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(INAUDIBLE)
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(FAINTLY) Is it all right to kiss you?
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-Oh! I'm sorry. -Oh!
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(INAUDIBLE)
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Michael? Michael, um...
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Half an hour?
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Another day, another dollar.
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Oh, any mail?
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-That's your... That's an earring! -Whatever. Get over it.
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-How long have you had that? -Too long, baby!
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-It's bleeding. -Really stings.
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-Blimey! Is it an old one? -Yeah and I had to push really hard at the time and...
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-But they heal over. -It had healed over. So I think I opened a...
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-Oh. -Sore. Oh.
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-You know who's... What are you looking at? -I'm not looking at anything.
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Those people who came in, Ray and Jude? The ones who I had the meeting with?
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-I know. -Yeah. They do.
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-Well, you know they do sort of training seminars. -Yeah, um...
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Yeah, use expert speakers, don't they?
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-Yeah. -They're using me. So... For my, you know...
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-Expertise? -Yeah.
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Well, the good news for you, young lady, is you're involved.
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How?
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I'm doing one tonight. I'm getting quite a bit of money for it,
25
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as a bit goes, 300 quid.
26
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-So I need someone just to carry my bag. Organise... -Oh, well. I'm not...
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Hundred quid for an hour's work, tonight.
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£100 for an hour?
29
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-Yeah. -That is a lot.
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Eighty.
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-You just said 100. -90.
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-You just said 100. -All right, get there early then.
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All right, 'cause that's sharing the wealth, see. Looking after...
34
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That is silly money. 100 for that. I should have...
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Very exciting. It's what I've, you know, I've always wanted to do.
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It's that... It's that working...
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I've had these cards made up. Um...
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David Brent. Assertiveness and Guidance Training In Business.
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"If it's in you, I'll find it."
40
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That's actually what I do, you know.
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I go along and I just point out what you've already got. I'm like a spiritual guide.
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The reason I put "If it's in you, I'll find it" is if I waste, you know,
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good time and money looking for it
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and I can see it's definitely not in you,
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I don't wanna be sued 'cause you haven't got it, so...
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You know, you're not gonna get me on that.
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(INAUDIBLE)
48
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Mmm... Mmm.
49
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What's going on here?
50
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-What's it look like? -How long's this been going on?
51
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-When were you going to tell me? -Huh?
52
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(MUMBLES)
53
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Can't believe you get off with a bird that I fancy!
54
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Why can't you believe that, Gareth?
55
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What I can't believe is a bird that fancies you over me for a start. Well, you...
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He's a weird little bloke. Look at his cartoon face and his hair...
57
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He looks like a Fisher Price man with rubbish clothes.
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Makes me think there's something wrong with you for a start.
59
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But, yet, in my head, I'd still do you, so I'm confused.
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All right. I'll ask you straight.
61
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Is there anything that could happen between us two while this is going on?
62
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-Like what? -What, specifically?
63
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Yeah.
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Hand job? Look, don't answer. Think about it.
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(SCOFFS)
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-All right. Do I look like a Fisher Price man? -(SNIGGERING) Yeah!
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Do I? Don't say yeah.
68
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Hello.
69
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-Your favourite computer geek is here. -Jesus.
70
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All right, Simon? Er, how's it going?
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-Uh, what are you doing with my computer? -Um...
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It's not your computer, is it? It's Wernham Hogg's.
73
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-All right, what are you doing with Wernham Hogg's computer? -You don't need to know.
74
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No, I don't need to know, but could you tell me anyway?
75
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-I'm installing a firewall. -Okay. What's that?
76
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It protects your computer against, script-kitties, data collectors, viruses,
77
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ROMs and Trojan Horses and it limits your outbound internet communications.
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-Any more questions? -Yes, how long will it take?
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Why? Do you want to do it yourself?
80
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No, I can't do it myself. How long will it take you, out of interest?
81
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It'll take as long as it takes.
82
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-Right, um... How long did it take last time? -It's done.
83
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-All right, thank you. -Now I'm going to switch it off.
84
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When it comes back on, it'll ask you to hit, "yes, no or cancel."
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Hit cancel, do not hit yes or no.
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-All right. -Did you hear what I said?
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-Yep. -What did I say?
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-Hit cancel. -Good.
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Thanks.
90
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Um... I'm an educator.
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I'm a motivator of people.
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I excite their imaginations.
93
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It's like bloody Dead Poets Society sometimes out there.
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You know at the end where they all stand on the tables...
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I wouldn't want them to stand on the tables, literally.
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It's against health and safety for one thing.
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My point is this...
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Life is about communication. We live for three score year and ten.
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And it's, "Did I communicate?" "Yes, you did."
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"Did I get something across?" "Yes, you did."
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"Are you gonna pay me for it?" "Yes, lots. Thanks very much.
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"Not why I do it, but thank you."
103
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Going go-karting again at the weekend with the lads.
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-Oh, yeah. What? Down Superkarts? -Yeah.
105
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-You any good? -Came first, last time I went.
106
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Eight minutes, fifty one. Got a certificate.
107
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Well, I went down there the first day it opened, right?
108
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I did a couple laps and pulled over.
109
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The bloke that runs the thing came over and said, "Oi, no professionals."
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I took my helmet off and said, "I'm not a professional."
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He said, "You're not a professional?" I said, "No."
112
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He said, "Well you should be."
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"If I was you I'd take up Formula 1.
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"And if you drive like that you'll probably be the best in the country."
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I said, "I'm not interested, I'm making shitloads out of computers."
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-Have you ever had a go at Speedway? -Have you?
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-Yep. -Well, I was doing it once,
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and, um, I was bombing it round and some idiot had left like a ramp thing out.
119
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-Litter bugs. -I could see the people going, "Oh, my God!
120
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"If that guy hits that ramp, going at that speed. He's definitely dead."
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I hit the ramp, I took off in the air. I turned over in the air.
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They were going, "Whoa, he's definitely dead now."
123
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I landed on my wheels, pulled over and said, "What were you worried about?"
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-Er, about five? -Five.
125
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-Yeah. -And so who's this chap with again?
126
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-Well... -What's this then, a mothers' meeting?
127
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Dawn tells me she's shutting down reception at five?
128
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Well, just half hour
129
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-early today. -Do you think you can run okay without her?
130
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Yeah. Well, they can answer their own phones. They can do their own post tonight...
131
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All right, that's good. So we can probably lose her altogether, can we?
132
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What do you mean?
133
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Well, if you don't need a receptionist, we may as well let her go.
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-Either she's needed or she's not. -We do need a receptionist.
135
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My point is, David, you haven't put a system in place, you know.
136
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For your own needs you've told Dawn to shut down reception at 5:00.
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You haven't told these people they can pick up the phone if it rings.
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I mean does Dawn know that they can do their own posts?
139
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Dawn, they can do their own posts tonight.
140
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Yeah, there's no... There's no use telling her now.
141
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It's just there's no system in place.
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You're not thinking things through!
143
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-I'm tired of this fuzzy thinking, David. -All right. Chill out.
144
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Don't have a cow, mate.
145
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Don't talk to me like you've forgotten who's in charge here.
146
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-Let me remind you, I'm your boss, okay? -Yeah.
147
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Just try and think things through.
148
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(GROANS)
149
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That was your fault, eh. Took the rap for you, didn't I? Yeah.
150
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Once, all right, when Bruce Lee was filming,
151
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one of the extras just came over and just started a fight.
152
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Oh, yeah. I know this, and he was amazing at kung fu,
153
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but Bruce Lee just hit a round house on him.
154
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Well, no. He smashed him through a wall.
155
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Instead of firing him, he just said, "Go back to where you were,
156
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"let's get on with the filming."
157
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Man, those cats were as fast as lightning.
158
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You know when he's fighting Chuck Norris in Enter The Dragon?
159
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No.
160
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-You haven't you seen it? -No.
161
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Have you not... I can't... That is a classic.
162
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No, I've not seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter The Dragon,
163
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I've seen him fight Chuck Norris in Way Of The Dragon.
164
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-That's what I meant that. That's what I... Yeah. -Is it?
165
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Why did you say you'd seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter The Dragon?
166
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He fight Bob Wall in both. But Norris is only in Way Of The Dragon.
167
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Yeah, I know. So, when he's fighting Chuck Norris...
168
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-In what? -In Way Of The Dragon.
169
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Correct. At last.
170
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Um...
171
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You know, Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you?
172
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Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was, he faked his own death,
173
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so he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police,
174
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infiltrating drugs gangs in the Triads.
175
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Yeah, I reckon that's true.
176
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Yeah, I reckon that's true, 'cause if you were going to send someone undercover
177
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to investigate the Triads,
178
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you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star.
179
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(BOTH LAUGHING)
180
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Gone off Dawn now, have you?
181
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-What? -Say what?
182
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What are you talking about?
183
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Just shut up. Shut up.
184
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Waiting on a credit check. 'Cause we've not worked with them for ages.
185
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So, I was thinking of going about four o'clock in the morning.
186
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-Yeah. -Hmm.
187
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(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
188
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-Oi, Tim. -Hmm?
189
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You shagged her yet, or what?
190
00:09:54,701 --> 00:09:56,500
-What? -Your bird, what's her name?
191
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-Rachel. -Yeah, Rachel. You done it yet, or what?
192
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Of course he hasn't!
193
00:10:03,334 --> 00:10:05,300
I don't kiss and tell, Lee, so...
194
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LEE: I bet you bloody have, ain't ya?
195
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Lips are sealed. So... (LAUGHS) Don't ask me!
196
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-Oh, he's done well there. -What do you mean, "done well?"
197
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LEE: Well, she's tasty. She's nice.
198
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Yeah, but you don't even know her!
199
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No, I mean, she's very attractive.
200
00:10:25,267 --> 00:10:27,400
She's not very attractive.
201
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I think, um, Ray'll introduce me.
202
00:10:30,968 --> 00:10:34,033
And I'll come out. I'll do a bit of, you know, a few gags etc.
203
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And then, um, I'll go, "Right. You have to be thick-skinned in business.
204
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"It doesn't matter if you are the tea boy or the General Manager,
205
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"People will try and rock your confidence and shake your spirit.
206
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"Do not listen to them, yeah? Let's try a little exercise."
207
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And I'll just go into the audience. And I'll pick on someone at random.
208
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I'll just go, "You, sir, what's your name?"
209
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-Say your name. -Leroy.
210
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Where's Leroy come from?
211
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The coloured fella off of Fame.
212
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-Well, use your own name. -Oh! Gareth.
213
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Hi, Gareth.
214
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Gareth, insult me, yeah?
215
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Let me show you that sticks and stones may break my bones,
216
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but names will never hurt me.
217
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Just throw some insults at me just to, you know...
218
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I'll show you how to roll with the punches.
219
00:11:09,434 --> 00:11:11,667
Um... Swindon lot don't seem to respect you.
220
00:11:11,734 --> 00:11:13,667
Why would they say that? They don't know me.
221
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They're not going to know that... And it's not true,
222
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Do something else.
223
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,100
Um, lot of people are laughing at the heels on your shoes.
224
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:21,667
I'm not going to be wearing the shoes, am I?
225
00:11:21,734 --> 00:11:23,133
Are you going to be wearing the ear ring?
226
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:24,234
Well, they're having a go at that as well, are they?
227
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:25,968
-Some people are. -What else?
228
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,801
-Um, they've given you a nickname. -What? The Swindon lot?
229
00:11:28,868 --> 00:11:30,968
-Yeah, but everyone's using it. -What is it?
230
00:11:31,033 --> 00:11:33,500
-Well, I don't really... -No, come on. What is it?
231
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Bluto.
232
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-The villain from Popeye? -Yeah.
233
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What, 'cause of the beard?
234
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:40,367
-It's because he's... -What's that?
235
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:42,667
That's...
236
00:11:42,734 --> 00:11:44,934
-I can't believe it. -Don't... They'll know it was me that told you. David!
237
00:11:48,534 --> 00:11:52,434
DAVID: Hello. Sorry, everybody. Um, look.
238
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,567
We are one big happy family here. Yeah?
239
00:11:55,634 --> 00:11:58,634
Now, I've been trying to welcome you new guys.
240
00:11:58,701 --> 00:12:02,100
You know, I didn't want you here, but you're here now. So, you know, well done.
241
00:12:02,167 --> 00:12:03,167
Welcome.
242
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,901
But...
243
00:12:05,968 --> 00:12:08,133
If there's one thing I don't like... It's nicknames, yeah?
244
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,968
Because nicknames are...
245
00:12:11,601 --> 00:12:14,100
Bad names.
246
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:17,300
Yeah?
247
00:12:17,367 --> 00:12:19,367
They're not helpful, yeah?
248
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:22,500
They can be very hurtful. Not to me. It's like water off a duck's back.
249
00:12:22,567 --> 00:12:25,067
You used to call Malcolm "Kojak".
250
00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:26,734
That was affectionate.
251
00:12:26,801 --> 00:12:29,467
You know, he was a great detective and a fine actor.
252
00:12:29,534 --> 00:12:31,634
Well, maybe Mr Toad's affectionate.
253
00:12:31,701 --> 00:12:35,200
-Who's Mr Toad? -Some people call you that as well.
254
00:12:35,267 --> 00:12:38,067
-I thought I was Bluto? -Yeah. Bluto and Mr Toad.
255
00:12:38,868 --> 00:12:41,500
Why am I Mr Toad?
256
00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:45,467
There's the face again. What? That's an insult, wasn't it? Very...
257
00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:48,667
Body fascism. That's what that is.
258
00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:51,868
The toad is the ugliest of all the amphibians.
259
00:12:51,934 --> 00:12:55,901
If we're handing out insults for being fat, let's have a go at him.
260
00:12:55,968 --> 00:12:57,734
Look at him. What...
261
00:12:57,801 --> 00:13:01,334
And he's got glasses. Let's call... Four-eyes, as well.
262
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,434
Why don't we call him "Fatty, Fatty Toad Boy," if we're...
263
00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:07,400
You know, at least start on him then move on.
264
00:13:09,901 --> 00:13:12,267
Mr Toad! I can't...
265
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,834
-Everything adding up? -Yeah, just about. It was a real mess before him.
266
00:13:23,901 --> 00:13:25,167
-Was it? -Oh, yeah.
267
00:13:25,234 --> 00:13:26,767
-On top of it now? -Yes.
268
00:13:26,834 --> 00:13:28,467
What about you, Brenda, how are things?
269
00:13:28,534 --> 00:13:31,200
Yeah, all right but I didn't get my wages through again.
270
00:13:31,267 --> 00:13:33,067
-Did you not, really? -Mmm-mmm.
271
00:13:33,133 --> 00:13:35,968
-Did you tell David? -Yeah, I told him in time.
272
00:13:36,033 --> 00:13:38,434
Oh, I'm... I'm really sorry about that. Let me get it sorted.
273
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:39,934
Let me sort it out for you now.
274
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,534
-I don't want to cause... -No, don't worry. It's fine.
275
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:47,234
(DAVID GRUNTS)
276
00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:51,334
-Working hard? -Working out.
277
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,834
Fit body, fit mind. Mind the gap.
278
00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:56,834
Good, um, couple of things...
279
00:13:56,901 --> 00:13:59,901
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
280
00:13:59,968 --> 00:14:02,400
Couple of things, David. Did your wages go through okay this month?
281
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,033
-Yeah. -Yours, Gareth?
282
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,234
Yeah, fine.
283
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:06,834
Good. So you two are okay. Phew!
284
00:14:06,901 --> 00:14:09,234
Uh, why then has one of your team come to me saying
285
00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:11,100
they haven't been paid this month?
286
00:14:12,801 --> 00:14:14,567
'Cause... Oh... Uh?
287
00:14:15,968 --> 00:14:17,934
No.
288
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,300
He fears my methods 'cause he doesn't understand my methods.
289
00:14:20,367 --> 00:14:22,734
You know, human nature. The unknown. Sure.
290
00:14:22,801 --> 00:14:24,801
But relax, you know.
291
00:14:24,868 --> 00:14:26,734
I don't want all this, "Oh, what're you doing? What're you doing?
292
00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:28,267
"How are you doing it?"
293
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:31,367
No! Judge me by results.
294
00:14:31,434 --> 00:14:33,634
This is not the first time you've forgotten something important.
295
00:14:33,701 --> 00:14:35,701
It's not the first time this week.
296
00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:38,500
It worries me when someone feels they have to go over your head and come to me.
297
00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:41,567
-Snitches. -You know, I've never seen you write anything down.
298
00:14:41,634 --> 00:14:44,300
You've got two computers. I don't even know what you use them for.
299
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:46,934
You've got to have some sort of system.
300
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,801
-It's all up there. -Yeah, but it's not all up there, is it?
301
00:14:49,868 --> 00:14:52,367
-Most of it is. -Look, David, I'll tell you now, yeah...
302
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:54,000
When I was managing the Swindon branch
303
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:56,968
our perception of your branch was, "They're having a laugh."
304
00:14:57,033 --> 00:14:58,300
Thanks very much.
305
00:14:58,367 --> 00:15:00,434
No, no. Not in a good way. "Having a laugh."
306
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:03,100
Mucking around at the expense of Wernham Hogg.
307
00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:06,000
Who's to say, if they weren't mucking around, having a laugh all the time,
308
00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:08,400
-it would be much worse... -I'm not interested in that, David.
309
00:15:08,467 --> 00:15:10,701
Look, I get the impression, you'd rather be popular
310
00:15:10,767 --> 00:15:13,067
-than steer the ship in the right direction. -Well, rubbish.
311
00:15:13,133 --> 00:15:16,868
And I resent the accusation, because this branch has performed very well.
312
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:18,968
It's performed okay. I want it to perform a lot better.
313
00:15:19,033 --> 00:15:21,067
There you go. What is better?
314
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:23,968
'Cause I could show you a graph of people versus task,
315
00:15:24,033 --> 00:15:26,934
-and where does the line go... -The line goes where I want it to go.
316
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,434
Now, if you can't improve your margin and your volume sales,
317
00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:31,601
with or without making people laugh.
318
00:15:31,667 --> 00:15:35,267
If you can't do that, you and I are going to have to have a very serious chat.
319
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:36,968
Is this why you're around all the time?
320
00:15:37,033 --> 00:15:38,601
Keeping tabs on me? 'Cause I don't need a baby-sitter.
321
00:15:38,667 --> 00:15:40,667
Well, with respect, David, I think you do.
322
00:15:40,734 --> 00:15:43,200
You know, I'm aware of this management training thing you're doing tonight.
323
00:15:43,267 --> 00:15:45,200
And I'm worried, it's going to affect your performance at work.
324
00:15:45,267 --> 00:15:46,734
That's extracurricular, you know.
325
00:15:46,801 --> 00:15:48,500
-Some people play golf... -Well, I play golf.
326
00:15:48,567 --> 00:15:49,734
There you go.
327
00:15:49,801 --> 00:15:51,634
Yes, but I'm performing as I want me to perform,
328
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,500
you're not performing as I want you to perform.
329
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:55,400
I'm performing as I want me to perform.
330
00:15:55,601 --> 00:15:57,367
-I don't want you to perform like that... -It's a good performance.
331
00:15:57,434 --> 00:16:01,033
-Let's agree to disagree. -No. Let's agree that you agree with me.
332
00:16:03,267 --> 00:16:06,834
Ooh, you're hard. Showing off 'cause...
333
00:16:06,901 --> 00:16:10,133
I think I've made my point, David. Thank you. I'll see you later.
334
00:16:10,834 --> 00:16:12,334
-Mmm. -(DOOR CLOSES)
335
00:16:20,467 --> 00:16:21,701
What are you doing?
336
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:24,767
-You looked a bit tense. -I am with him...
337
00:16:24,834 --> 00:16:27,801
-Does that feel nice? -Yeah, but...
338
00:16:27,868 --> 00:16:31,000
-Do some more work on your abs? -Not now.
339
00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:52,400
(PHONE RINGING)
340
00:16:56,601 --> 00:16:57,968
(SIGHS)
341
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,767
Is, uh, he ready yet?
342
00:17:16,834 --> 00:17:17,868
-Who? -David.
343
00:17:17,934 --> 00:17:19,467
Oh, I don't know. He should be.
344
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:22,000
So, what are you doing tonight?
345
00:17:22,067 --> 00:17:24,200
I think we're just going to go out to the pub.
346
00:17:24,267 --> 00:17:25,834
-We is? -Me and Rachel.
347
00:17:25,901 --> 00:17:27,434
-Rachel. Excellent. -Mmm.
348
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:29,667
-Just a couple of pints? -A couple of pints.
349
00:17:29,734 --> 00:17:31,267
-(LAUGHS) -We're in the mood.
350
00:17:31,334 --> 00:17:32,868
Well, um, think of me. Stuck with...
351
00:17:32,934 --> 00:17:34,868
(BOTH LAUGHING)
352
00:17:34,934 --> 00:17:36,968
-Oh, you should come for a laugh. -I think we'd better stay.
353
00:17:37,033 --> 00:17:38,901
Nah! Definitely! Wise.
354
00:17:38,968 --> 00:17:41,534
-All right, babes. -All right, mate.
355
00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:43,634
-See you. Yeah. -Have a good night. See you later.
356
00:17:53,434 --> 00:17:56,334
-See you later. Wish us luck on our date. -Yeah, good luck.
357
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,400
It's not a date, is it?
358
00:17:58,467 --> 00:18:00,300
She's got a boyfriend and I'm paying her.
359
00:18:00,367 --> 00:18:01,634
What sort of date would that be?
360
00:18:01,701 --> 00:18:02,901
I think, you know. (GIGGLES)
361
00:18:02,968 --> 00:18:04,534
And 100 quid, what would I get for that?
362
00:18:04,601 --> 00:18:06,701
Not that I would. 'Cause you wouldn't... (MUMBLES)
363
00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:10,133
Everything, I imagine. I'm not imagining any of it, but I do know what sort...
364
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,367
I'm just... Okay then, there we go.
365
00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:14,434
(GRUNTS) Carry that. That's what you're being paid for.
366
00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:15,767
See ya.
367
00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:29,801
(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
368
00:18:31,701 --> 00:18:33,601
...they're coming through tonight.
369
00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:36,968
Two groups. They're both from Renley, I think and...
370
00:18:50,834 --> 00:18:54,801
Um, the other three guys, you know, they've all done it before, so...
371
00:18:54,868 --> 00:18:57,367
I'll introduce you when they get here.
372
00:18:57,434 --> 00:19:00,200
I love being backstage. Oh!
373
00:19:00,267 --> 00:19:02,467
Um, can we just take a photo?
374
00:19:02,534 --> 00:19:05,133
It's for the website and the newsletter. If that's okay?
375
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,868
No problem. You gotta take a light reading?
376
00:19:07,934 --> 00:19:10,100
Oh, I think it'll be okay.
377
00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:11,901
-If you just... -Yeah.
378
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,601
-I mean, just be yourself. You know, a bit more relaxed. -Yeah.
379
00:19:22,868 --> 00:19:24,234
Something like that?
380
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,667
Not quite.
381
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:29,868
Okay. Um...
382
00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:32,100
Just...
383
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:40,734
-Maybe if you just sit down. -You're the boss. Ah!
384
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:46,334
(CAMERA CLICKS)
385
00:19:48,667 --> 00:19:50,901
(CHATTERING)
386
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:58,000
I'm looking forward to this, actually. It'll be quite a good one.
387
00:19:58,067 --> 00:19:59,500
-DAVID: Hi. -Hello, mate.
388
00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:03,000
Are you, er, you guys talking at this gig as well?
389
00:20:03,067 --> 00:20:05,567
Yeah. Just having a sneaky joint.
390
00:20:05,634 --> 00:20:07,434
Ah, well...
391
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:09,234
Partially decriminalised now anyway, innit?
392
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:12,067
So, at last... Go for it.
393
00:20:13,601 --> 00:20:15,701
-What's it? Skunk? -Mmm-mmm.
394
00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:17,467
It's just weed. Do you want a little taste?
395
00:20:17,534 --> 00:20:19,300
-You sure? -Yeah, no. I'm on a diet.
396
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:21,100
Yeah, I would but...
397
00:20:21,167 --> 00:20:24,801
When I get wasted I go to munchie city, so, you know. Yeah.
398
00:20:24,868 --> 00:20:27,601
I'm mad enough without the gear as well, so...
399
00:20:27,667 --> 00:20:29,234
I'll take a rain check. I'll catch you later, yeah.
400
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:30,701
-Chill. All right, cool. -BOTH: Yeah.
401
00:20:33,634 --> 00:20:37,367
Um... Well, we've got four speakers for you tonight, so no messing about.
402
00:20:37,434 --> 00:20:40,601
To begin with, from Sound Investments, Mr Mark Found.
403
00:20:46,901 --> 00:20:49,300
Let me dispel a myth.
404
00:20:49,367 --> 00:20:52,100
Just because you're a success in your life,
405
00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:55,901
some people will tell you that you shouldn't be able to sleep at night.
406
00:20:55,968 --> 00:20:58,901
You should. Why?
407
00:20:58,968 --> 00:21:00,367
Because this is a business.
408
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:04,701
Your future hasn't happened yet.
409
00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:08,434
You shape it. You're in the driving seat.
410
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:10,567
Thanks.
411
00:21:15,801 --> 00:21:19,434
Er, thanks to Richard Clark there from Stockport Graphics.
412
00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:23,634
Uh, now with some words of advice on motivational techniques from Wernham Hogg,
413
00:21:23,701 --> 00:21:25,234
Mr David Brent.
414
00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:43,267
Get out.
415
00:21:45,534 --> 00:21:47,000
Go on.
416
00:21:47,067 --> 00:21:49,167
I've opened the door for you. Yeah?
417
00:21:50,667 --> 00:21:54,133
If you don't want to make it, go now. Yeah?
418
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:57,601
Save us all a bit of time. Yeah? If you don't think you can cut it.
419
00:22:01,133 --> 00:22:04,400
No? Good.
420
00:22:04,467 --> 00:22:06,968
-Have you finished now? -No! I'm in the...
421
00:22:10,467 --> 00:22:11,400
Okay.
422
00:22:14,734 --> 00:22:16,601
You're all looking at me and you're going...
423
00:22:16,667 --> 00:22:19,300
"Oh, yeah. You're a success. You've achieved your goals, yeah.
424
00:22:19,367 --> 00:22:21,334
"You're reaping the rewards."
425
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:25,934
Sure. "But, oi, Brent! Is all you care about, chasing the Yankee dollar?"
426
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,334
Let me show you something I always keep with me.
427
00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:32,067
Just a little book.
428
00:22:32,133 --> 00:22:33,868
Collective meditations and it's a...
429
00:22:33,934 --> 00:22:37,000
It's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers,
430
00:22:37,067 --> 00:22:40,100
Native American wisdom...
431
00:22:40,167 --> 00:22:44,434
(STAMMERING) Which I... And it's really showing you the...
432
00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:48,000
The spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side.
433
00:22:48,067 --> 00:22:50,567
It's about feeding the soul. Yeah?
434
00:22:50,634 --> 00:22:54,500
Evolving spirituality in... Foreword by Duncan Goodhew.
435
00:22:55,667 --> 00:22:56,734
So...
436
00:22:58,567 --> 00:23:01,500
Can I read one... Which I think...
437
00:23:01,567 --> 00:23:04,968
"If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place,
438
00:23:05,033 --> 00:23:09,701
"most would be glad to take each his own home again
439
00:23:09,767 --> 00:23:13,133
"rather than take a portion out of the common stock."
440
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,300
It's saying, for the first time,
441
00:23:15,367 --> 00:23:18,434
you know, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
442
00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:20,167
Don't look over your neighbour's fence and go,
443
00:23:20,234 --> 00:23:21,834
"Ooh, he's got a better car than me.
444
00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:25,667
"Ooh, he's got a more attractive wife."
445
00:23:25,734 --> 00:23:29,400
We all wake up and we go, "Oh, I ache. I'm not 18 any more."
446
00:23:29,467 --> 00:23:32,701
You know, I'm thirty-n... I'm in my thirties.
447
00:23:32,767 --> 00:23:34,901
But, so what? At least I've got my health.
448
00:23:34,968 --> 00:23:37,667
And if you haven't got your health, if you've got one leg...
449
00:23:37,734 --> 00:23:40,167
At least I haven't got two legs missing.
450
00:23:40,234 --> 00:23:46,267
If you have lost both legs and both arms, just go, "At least I'm not dead!"
451
00:23:46,334 --> 00:23:50,133
Er, I'd rather be dead in that situation.
452
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:54,601
To be honest, I'm not saying people like that should be, you know, put down.
453
00:23:57,234 --> 00:24:00,267
I'm saying that in my life,
454
00:24:00,334 --> 00:24:03,300
I'd rather not live without arms and legs because...
455
00:24:03,367 --> 00:24:05,667
You know, I'm just getting into Yoga,
456
00:24:05,734 --> 00:24:07,434
for one thing, so...
457
00:24:08,234 --> 00:24:10,834
In my opinion...
458
00:24:10,901 --> 00:24:14,968
Are you familiar with the term, "Laughter is the best medicine"?
459
00:24:17,734 --> 00:24:19,467
Well, it's true, eh?
460
00:24:19,534 --> 00:24:23,000
When you laugh, your brain releases endorphins, yeah?
461
00:24:23,067 --> 00:24:25,000
Your stress hormones are reduced.
462
00:24:25,067 --> 00:24:30,167
And the oxygen supply to your blood is increased. So you feel...
463
00:24:30,234 --> 00:24:33,234
I try and laugh several times a day just... 'Cause it makes you feel good.
464
00:24:33,300 --> 00:24:35,834
So let's... Let's try that.
465
00:24:35,901 --> 00:24:38,834
(LAUGHS) Eh? Just, just...
466
00:24:38,901 --> 00:24:41,734
(LAUGHING) Come on. Trust me, you'll feel...
467
00:24:41,801 --> 00:24:43,801
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
468
00:24:49,033 --> 00:24:50,033
Eh?
469
00:24:52,834 --> 00:24:54,834
Ooh! Yeah?
470
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:02,400
Oh!
471
00:25:02,467 --> 00:25:04,100
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
472
00:25:06,767 --> 00:25:12,267
DAWN: I'd be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected.
473
00:25:12,334 --> 00:25:18,300
My old school just recently had a school reunion, um, which I didn't go to.
474
00:25:18,367 --> 00:25:21,701
But one girl in my class, it turns out, right,
475
00:25:21,767 --> 00:25:24,934
that she's now running her own internet auction website.
476
00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:28,167
Making a fortune and is happily married to a marine biologist.
477
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,901
She used to eat chalk.
478
00:25:32,100 --> 00:25:35,667
(SIGHS) Okay, well, that's about it, from yours truly.
479
00:25:35,734 --> 00:25:37,834
Thanks for taking all I had to throw at you.
480
00:25:37,901 --> 00:25:43,300
I'm spent. But, um, I am now gonna make like a banana and split.
481
00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:46,500
(LAUGHS) He got it!
482
00:25:46,567 --> 00:25:50,133
Okay, um, before I go though, um...
483
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,901
Promise me you'll remember one thing, yeah.
484
00:25:53,968 --> 00:25:55,133
-Just remember... -(SWITCHES ON)
485
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,367
# You're the best
486
00:25:59,334 --> 00:26:01,934
# Better than all the rest
487
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,067
Yeah!
488
00:26:03,834 --> 00:26:06,334
# Better than anyone
489
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:07,734
Come on. Listen to it.
490
00:26:08,701 --> 00:26:10,868
# Anyone I've ever met
491
00:26:10,934 --> 00:26:12,400
Come on. Get into it.
492
00:26:12,467 --> 00:26:14,667
# Ooh, I'm stuck on your heart
493
00:26:14,734 --> 00:26:17,000
Yeah! Whoo!
494
00:26:17,067 --> 00:26:20,834
I've been David Brent. You've been the best. Goodnight.
495
00:26:21,968 --> 00:26:24,734
# Tear us apart
496
00:26:26,634 --> 00:26:31,467
# Baby, I would rather be dead
497
00:26:31,534 --> 00:26:34,901
# In your heart I see the star And every night... #
498
00:26:34,968 --> 00:26:36,701
(SWITCHES OFF)
499
00:26:36,767 --> 00:26:39,300
-Um, yes, our thanks to David... -You stopped it.
500
00:26:39,367 --> 00:26:41,067
-I... -No, don't stop it.
501
00:26:41,133 --> 00:26:43,367
Leave it going right to the end till I get...
502
00:26:44,167 --> 00:26:45,634
(MUMBLES)
503
00:26:45,701 --> 00:26:48,067
-Don't do that again next time. Okay? -Sorry.
504
00:26:48,133 --> 00:26:49,267
Yeah!
505
00:26:49,334 --> 00:26:52,000
Er, David Brent from Wernham Hogg.
506
00:26:52,067 --> 00:26:53,968
(FAINT APPLAUSE)
507
00:26:59,901 --> 00:27:02,100
I'll let you into a secret now, all right.
508
00:27:02,167 --> 00:27:05,300
Before I went out there, I was worried whether I still had it. (CHUCKLES)
509
00:27:05,367 --> 00:27:06,801
I'll let you be the judge of that.
510
00:27:06,868 --> 00:27:09,500
High five! Don't leave me hanging, Dawn.
511
00:27:09,567 --> 00:27:10,801
Oh, God!
512
00:27:10,868 --> 00:27:12,100
Oh, jeez.
513
00:27:12,167 --> 00:27:15,400
Oh, here he is. Oh!
514
00:27:15,467 --> 00:27:17,267
-Tina a bit too much for you? -Possibly.
515
00:27:17,334 --> 00:27:18,934
Well, it's your job.
516
00:27:19,133 --> 00:27:21,133
Hold me back, 'cause when I'm out there, I am... (VOCALISES)
517
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:22,601
And it's like... (VOCALISES)
518
00:27:22,667 --> 00:27:24,634
So that's up to you, I'm afraid.
519
00:27:24,701 --> 00:27:26,901
Oh, jeez!
520
00:27:26,968 --> 00:27:29,267
Tell you what though, they seemed to go for it, didn't they?
521
00:27:29,334 --> 00:27:30,701
-Knock, knock. -Oh, yeah.
522
00:27:30,767 --> 00:27:32,734
-You all right? -Yeah. Well done.
523
00:27:32,801 --> 00:27:35,868
-What d'you think? -Well, my tastes are quite traditional.
524
00:27:35,934 --> 00:27:37,267
Bit too rock 'n' roll for you?
525
00:27:37,334 --> 00:27:39,200
-Possibly. -Each his own. Each his own.
526
00:27:39,267 --> 00:27:41,100
I better warn you now...
527
00:27:41,167 --> 00:27:43,734
That was me on a seven. Wait till you see me on a nine or ten.
528
00:27:43,801 --> 00:27:45,334
Here's your cheque.
529
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,734
Thanking you. Well, there you go.
530
00:27:47,801 --> 00:27:50,601
More importantly, though, what pub we going to?
531
00:27:50,667 --> 00:27:51,834
(DAVID CHUCKLES)
532
00:27:53,667 --> 00:27:56,400
More important than that... 300 quid... I don't think so!
533
00:27:56,467 --> 00:27:58,100
Oh, where are we going?
534
00:27:58,167 --> 00:28:00,834
Uh, we can't. We're just gonna grab some food. Go home.
535
00:28:00,901 --> 00:28:03,701
Pizza? Yeah?
536
00:28:03,767 --> 00:28:06,367
Never mind Pizza Express. What about Beer Express first?
537
00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:08,667
Next stop, drunkenness. Whoo! (CHUCKLES)
538
00:28:08,734 --> 00:28:10,334
It doesn't have to be. Go anywhere you want.
539
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:12,500
Chinese, Indian...
540
00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:15,467
As long as it's, you know... It's on me!
541
00:28:17,300 --> 00:28:19,300
Here we go. The Three Musketeers.
542
00:28:20,033 --> 00:28:22,234
Bye.
543
00:28:22,300 --> 00:28:23,868
WOMAN: Oh, I just remembered, I can't.
544
00:28:23,934 --> 00:28:25,601
RAY: What do you mean?
545
00:28:25,667 --> 00:28:27,434
JUDE: I've just remembered something I've got to do.
546
00:28:27,500 --> 00:28:30,234
DAVID: Oh-oh! Just us two, then? Oh, no.
547
00:28:30,300 --> 00:28:31,901
What sort of clubs are round here?
548
00:28:31,968 --> 00:28:33,267
RAY: I'm not going to a club with you. DAVID: You bloody are!
549
00:28:33,334 --> 00:28:34,934
(DAVID LAUGHING)
550
00:28:42,434 --> 00:28:46,000
# So what becomes of you, my love?
551
00:28:48,434 --> 00:28:52,734
# When they have finally stripped you off
552
00:28:52,801 --> 00:28:55,434
# The handbags and the gladrags
553
00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:57,868
# That your granddad had to sweat
554
00:28:57,934 --> 00:28:59,701
# So you could buy #
42269
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