Original subtitles

(INAUDIBLE)

(FAINTLY) Is it all right to kiss you?

-Oh! I'm sorry. -Oh!

(INAUDIBLE)

Michael? Michael, um...

Half an hour?

Another day, another dollar.

Oh, any mail?

-That's your... That's an earring! -Whatever. Get over it.

-How long have you had that? -Too long, baby!

-It's bleeding. -Really stings.

-Blimey! Is it an old one? -Yeah and I had to push really hard at the time and...

-But they heal over. -It had healed over. So I think I opened a...

-Oh. -Sore. Oh.

-You know who's... What are you looking at? -I'm not looking at anything.

Those people who came in, Ray and Jude? The ones who I had the meeting with?

-I know. -Yeah. They do.

-Well, you know they do sort of training seminars. -Yeah, um...

Yeah, use expert speakers, don't they?

-Yeah. -They're using me. So... For my, you know...

-Expertise? -Yeah.

Well, the good news for you, young lady, is you're involved.

How?

I'm doing one tonight. I'm getting quite a bit of money for it,

as a bit goes, 300 quid.

-So I need someone just to carry my bag. Organise... -Oh, well. I'm not...

Hundred quid for an hour's work, tonight.

£100 for an hour?

-Yeah. -That is a lot.

Eighty.

-You just said 100. -90.

-You just said 100. -All right, get there early then.

All right, 'cause that's sharing the wealth, see. Looking after...

That is silly money. 100 for that. I should have...

Very exciting. It's what I've, you know, I've always wanted to do.

It's that... It's that working...

I've had these cards made up. Um...

David Brent. Assertiveness and Guidance Training In Business.

"If it's in you, I'll find it."

That's actually what I do, you know.

I go along and I just point out what you've already got. I'm like a spiritual guide.

The reason I put "If it's in you, I'll find it" is if I waste, you know,

good time and money looking for it

and I can see it's definitely not in you,

I don't wanna be sued 'cause you haven't got it, so...

You know, you're not gonna get me on that.

(INAUDIBLE)

Mmm... Mmm.

What's going on here?

-What's it look like? -How long's this been going on?

-When were you going to tell me? -Huh?

(MUMBLES)

Can't believe you get off with a bird that I fancy!

Why can't you believe that, Gareth?

What I can't believe is a bird that fancies you over me for a start. Well, you...

He's a weird little bloke. Look at his cartoon face and his hair...

He looks like a Fisher Price man with rubbish clothes.

Makes me think there's something wrong with you for a start.

But, yet, in my head, I'd still do you, so I'm confused.

All right. I'll ask you straight.

Is there anything that could happen between us two while this is going on?

-Like what? -What, specifically?

Yeah.

Hand job? Look, don't answer. Think about it.

(SCOFFS)

-All right. Do I look like a Fisher Price man? -(SNIGGERING) Yeah!

Do I? Don't say yeah.

Hello.

-Your favourite computer geek is here. -Jesus.

All right, Simon? Er, how's it going?

-Uh, what are you doing with my computer? -Um...

It's not your computer, is it? It's Wernham Hogg's.

-All right, what are you doing with Wernham Hogg's computer? -You don't need to know.

No, I don't need to know, but could you tell me anyway?

-I'm installing a firewall. -Okay. What's that?

It protects your computer against, script-kitties, data collectors, viruses,

ROMs and Trojan Horses and it limits your outbound internet communications.

-Any more questions? -Yes, how long will it take?

Why? Do you want to do it yourself?

No, I can't do it myself. How long will it take you, out of interest?

It'll take as long as it takes.

-Right, um... How long did it take last time? -It's done.

-All right, thank you. -Now I'm going to switch it off.

When it comes back on, it'll ask you to hit, "yes, no or cancel."

Hit cancel, do not hit yes or no.

-All right. -Did you hear what I said?

-Yep. -What did I say?

-Hit cancel. -Good.

Thanks.

Um... I'm an educator.

I'm a motivator of people.

I excite their imaginations.

It's like bloody Dead Poets Society sometimes out there.

You know at the end where they all stand on the tables...

I wouldn't want them to stand on the tables, literally.

It's against health and safety for one thing.

My point is this...

Life is about communication. We live for three score year and ten.

And it's, "Did I communicate?" "Yes, you did."

"Did I get something across?" "Yes, you did."

"Are you gonna pay me for it?" "Yes, lots. Thanks very much.

"Not why I do it, but thank you."

Going go-karting again at the weekend with the lads.

-Oh, yeah. What? Down Superkarts? -Yeah.

-You any good? -Came first, last time I went.

Eight minutes, fifty one. Got a certificate.

Well, I went down there the first day it opened, right?

I did a couple laps and pulled over.

The bloke that runs the thing came over and said, "Oi, no professionals."

I took my helmet off and said, "I'm not a professional."

He said, "You're not a professional?" I said, "No."

He said, "Well you should be."

"If I was you I'd take up Formula 1.

"And if you drive like that you'll probably be the best in the country."

I said, "I'm not interested, I'm making shitloads out of computers."

-Have you ever had a go at Speedway? -Have you?

-Yep. -Well, I was doing it once,

and, um, I was bombing it round and some idiot had left like a ramp thing out.

-Litter bugs. -I could see the people going, "Oh, my God!

"If that guy hits that ramp, going at that speed. He's definitely dead."

I hit the ramp, I took off in the air. I turned over in the air.

They were going, "Whoa, he's definitely dead now."

I landed on my wheels, pulled over and said, "What were you worried about?"

-Er, about five? -Five.

-Yeah. -And so who's this chap with again?

-Well... -What's this then, a mothers' meeting?

Dawn tells me she's shutting down reception at five?

Well, just half hour

-early today. -Do you think you can run okay without her?

Yeah. Well, they can answer their own phones. They can do their own post tonight...

All right, that's good. So we can probably lose her altogether, can we?

What do you mean?

Well, if you don't need a receptionist, we may as well let her go.

-Either she's needed or she's not. -We do need a receptionist.

My point is, David, you haven't put a system in place, you know.

For your own needs you've told Dawn to shut down reception at 5:00.

You haven't told these people they can pick up the phone if it rings.

I mean does Dawn know that they can do their own posts?

Dawn, they can do their own posts tonight.

Yeah, there's no... There's no use telling her now.

It's just there's no system in place.

You're not thinking things through!

-I'm tired of this fuzzy thinking, David. -All right. Chill out.

Don't have a cow, mate.

Don't talk to me like you've forgotten who's in charge here.

-Let me remind you, I'm your boss, okay? -Yeah.

Just try and think things through.

(GROANS)

That was your fault, eh. Took the rap for you, didn't I? Yeah.

Once, all right, when Bruce Lee was filming,

one of the extras just came over and just started a fight.

Oh, yeah. I know this, and he was amazing at kung fu,

but Bruce Lee just hit a round house on him.

Well, no. He smashed him through a wall.

Instead of firing him, he just said, "Go back to where you were,

"let's get on with the filming."

Man, those cats were as fast as lightning.

You know when he's fighting Chuck Norris in Enter The Dragon?

No.

-You haven't you seen it? -No.

Have you not... I can't... That is a classic.

No, I've not seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter The Dragon,

I've seen him fight Chuck Norris in Way Of The Dragon.

-That's what I meant that. That's what I... Yeah. -Is it?

Why did you say you'd seen him fight Chuck Norris in Enter The Dragon?

He fight Bob Wall in both. But Norris is only in Way Of The Dragon.

Yeah, I know. So, when he's fighting Chuck Norris...

-In what? -In Way Of The Dragon.

Correct. At last.

Um...

You know, Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you?

Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was, he faked his own death,

so he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police,

infiltrating drugs gangs in the Triads.

Yeah, I reckon that's true.

Yeah, I reckon that's true, 'cause if you were going to send someone undercover

to investigate the Triads,

you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Gone off Dawn now, have you?

-What? -Say what?

What are you talking about?

Just shut up. Shut up.

Waiting on a credit check. 'Cause we've not worked with them for ages.

So, I was thinking of going about four o'clock in the morning.

-Yeah. -Hmm.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

-Oi, Tim. -Hmm?

You shagged her yet, or what?

-What? -Your bird, what's her name?

-Rachel. -Yeah, Rachel. You done it yet, or what?

Of course he hasn't!

I don't kiss and tell, Lee, so...

LEE: I bet you bloody have, ain't ya?

Lips are sealed. So... (LAUGHS) Don't ask me!

-Oh, he's done well there. -What do you mean, "done well?"

LEE: Well, she's tasty. She's nice.

Yeah, but you don't even know her!

No, I mean, she's very attractive.

She's not very attractive.

I think, um, Ray'll introduce me.

And I'll come out. I'll do a bit of, you know, a few gags etc.

And then, um, I'll go, "Right. You have to be thick-skinned in business.

"It doesn't matter if you are the tea boy or the General Manager,

"People will try and rock your confidence and shake your spirit.

"Do not listen to them, yeah? Let's try a little exercise."

And I'll just go into the audience. And I'll pick on someone at random.

I'll just go, "You, sir, what's your name?"

-Say your name. -Leroy.

Where's Leroy come from?

The coloured fella off of Fame.

-Well, use your own name. -Oh! Gareth.

Hi, Gareth.

Gareth, insult me, yeah?

Let me show you that sticks and stones may break my bones,

but names will never hurt me.

Just throw some insults at me just to, you know...

I'll show you how to roll with the punches.

Um... Swindon lot don't seem to respect you.

Why would they say that? They don't know me.

They're not going to know that... And it's not true,

Do something else.

Um, lot of people are laughing at the heels on your shoes.

I'm not going to be wearing the shoes, am I?

Are you going to be wearing the ear ring?

Well, they're having a go at that as well, are they?

-Some people are. -What else?

-Um, they've given you a nickname. -What? The Swindon lot?

-Yeah, but everyone's using it. -What is it?

-Well, I don't really... -No, come on. What is it?

Bluto.

-The villain from Popeye? -Yeah.

What, 'cause of the beard?

-It's because he's... -What's that?

That's...

-I can't believe it. -Don't... They'll know it was me that told you. David!

DAVID: Hello. Sorry, everybody. Um, look.

We are one big happy family here. Yeah?

Now, I've been trying to welcome you new guys.

You know, I didn't want you here, but you're here now. So, you know, well done.

Welcome.

But...

If there's one thing I don't like... It's nicknames, yeah?

Because nicknames are...

Bad names.

Yeah?

They're not helpful, yeah?

They can be very hurtful. Not to me. It's like water off a duck's back.

You used to call Malcolm "Kojak".

That was affectionate.

You know, he was a great detective and a fine actor.

Well, maybe Mr Toad's affectionate.

-Who's Mr Toad? -Some people call you that as well.

-I thought I was Bluto? -Yeah. Bluto and Mr Toad.

Why am I Mr Toad?

There's the face again. What? That's an insult, wasn't it? Very...

Body fascism. That's what that is.

The toad is the ugliest of all the amphibians.

If we're handing out insults for being fat, let's have a go at him.

Look at him. What...

And he's got glasses. Let's call... Four-eyes, as well.

Why don't we call him "Fatty, Fatty Toad Boy," if we're...

You know, at least start on him then move on.

Mr Toad! I can't...

-Everything adding up? -Yeah, just about. It was a real mess before him.

-Was it? -Oh, yeah.

-On top of it now? -Yes.

What about you, Brenda, how are things?

Yeah, all right but I didn't get my wages through again.

-Did you not, really? -Mmm-mmm.

-Did you tell David? -Yeah, I told him in time.

Oh, I'm... I'm really sorry about that. Let me get it sorted.

Let me sort it out for you now.

-I don't want to cause... -No, don't worry. It's fine.

(DAVID GRUNTS)

-Working hard? -Working out.

Fit body, fit mind. Mind the gap.

Good, um, couple of things...

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Couple of things, David. Did your wages go through okay this month?

-Yeah. -Yours, Gareth?

Yeah, fine.

Good. So you two are okay. Phew!

Uh, why then has one of your team come to me saying

they haven't been paid this month?

'Cause... Oh... Uh?

No.

He fears my methods 'cause he doesn't understand my methods.

You know, human nature. The unknown. Sure.

But relax, you know.

I don't want all this, "Oh, what're you doing? What're you doing?

"How are you doing it?"

No! Judge me by results.

This is not the first time you've forgotten something important.

It's not the first time this week.

It worries me when someone feels they have to go over your head and come to me.

-Snitches. -You know, I've never seen you write anything down.

You've got two computers. I don't even know what you use them for.

You've got to have some sort of system.

-It's all up there. -Yeah, but it's not all up there, is it?

-Most of it is. -Look, David, I'll tell you now, yeah...

When I was managing the Swindon branch

our perception of your branch was, "They're having a laugh."

Thanks very much.

No, no. Not in a good way. "Having a laugh."

Mucking around at the expense of Wernham Hogg.

Who's to say, if they weren't mucking around, having a laugh all the time,

-it would be much worse... -I'm not interested in that, David.

Look, I get the impression, you'd rather be popular

-than steer the ship in the right direction. -Well, rubbish.

And I resent the accusation, because this branch has performed very well.

It's performed okay. I want it to perform a lot better.

There you go. What is better?

'Cause I could show you a graph of people versus task,

-and where does the line go... -The line goes where I want it to go.

Now, if you can't improve your margin and your volume sales,

with or without making people laugh.

If you can't do that, you and I are going to have to have a very serious chat.

Is this why you're around all the time?

Keeping tabs on me? 'Cause I don't need a baby-sitter.

Well, with respect, David, I think you do.

You know, I'm aware of this management training thing you're doing tonight.

And I'm worried, it's going to affect your performance at work.

That's extracurricular, you know.

-Some people play golf... -Well, I play golf.

There you go.

Yes, but I'm performing as I want me to perform,

you're not performing as I want you to perform.

I'm performing as I want me to perform.

-I don't want you to perform like that... -It's a good performance.

-Let's agree to disagree. -No. Let's agree that you agree with me.

Ooh, you're hard. Showing off 'cause...

I think I've made my point, David. Thank you. I'll see you later.

-Mmm. -(DOOR CLOSES)

What are you doing?

-You looked a bit tense. -I am with him...

-Does that feel nice? -Yeah, but...

-Do some more work on your abs? -Not now.

(PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Is, uh, he ready yet?

-Who? -David.

Oh, I don't know. He should be.

So, what are you doing tonight?

I think we're just going to go out to the pub.

-We is? -Me and Rachel.

-Rachel. Excellent. -Mmm.

-Just a couple of pints? -A couple of pints.

-(LAUGHS) -We're in the mood.

Well, um, think of me. Stuck with...

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Oh, you should come for a laugh. -I think we'd better stay.

Nah! Definitely! Wise.

-All right, babes. -All right, mate.

-See you. Yeah. -Have a good night. See you later.

-See you later. Wish us luck on our date. -Yeah, good luck.

It's not a date, is it?

She's got a boyfriend and I'm paying her.

What sort of date would that be?

I think, you know. (GIGGLES)

And 100 quid, what would I get for that?

Not that I would. 'Cause you wouldn't... (MUMBLES)

Everything, I imagine. I'm not imagining any of it, but I do know what sort...

I'm just... Okay then, there we go.

(GRUNTS) Carry that. That's what you're being paid for.

See ya.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

...they're coming through tonight.

Two groups. They're both from Renley, I think and...

Um, the other three guys, you know, they've all done it before, so...

I'll introduce you when they get here.

I love being backstage. Oh!

Um, can we just take a photo?

It's for the website and the newsletter. If that's okay?

No problem. You gotta take a light reading?

Oh, I think it'll be okay.

-If you just... -Yeah.

-I mean, just be yourself. You know, a bit more relaxed. -Yeah.

Something like that?

Not quite.

Okay. Um...

Just...

-Maybe if you just sit down. -You're the boss. Ah!

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(CHATTERING)

I'm looking forward to this, actually. It'll be quite a good one.

-DAVID: Hi. -Hello, mate.

Are you, er, you guys talking at this gig as well?

Yeah. Just having a sneaky joint.

Ah, well...

Partially decriminalised now anyway, innit?

So, at last... Go for it.

-What's it? Skunk? -Mmm-mmm.

It's just weed. Do you want a little taste?

-You sure? -Yeah, no. I'm on a diet.

Yeah, I would but...

When I get wasted I go to munchie city, so, you know. Yeah.

I'm mad enough without the gear as well, so...

I'll take a rain check. I'll catch you later, yeah.

-Chill. All right, cool. -BOTH: Yeah.

Um... Well, we've got four speakers for you tonight, so no messing about.

To begin with, from Sound Investments, Mr Mark Found.

Let me dispel a myth.

Just because you're a success in your life,

some people will tell you that you shouldn't be able to sleep at night.

You should. Why?

Because this is a business.

Your future hasn't happened yet.

You shape it. You're in the driving seat.

Thanks.

Er, thanks to Richard Clark there from Stockport Graphics.

Uh, now with some words of advice on motivational techniques from Wernham Hogg,

Mr David Brent.

Get out.

Go on.

I've opened the door for you. Yeah?

If you don't want to make it, go now. Yeah?

Save us all a bit of time. Yeah? If you don't think you can cut it.

No? Good.

-Have you finished now? -No! I'm in the...

Okay.

You're all looking at me and you're going...

"Oh, yeah. You're a success. You've achieved your goals, yeah.

"You're reaping the rewards."

Sure. "But, oi, Brent! Is all you care about, chasing the Yankee dollar?"

Let me show you something I always keep with me.

Just a little book.

Collective meditations and it's a...

It's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers,

Native American wisdom...

(STAMMERING) Which I... And it's really showing you the...

The spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side.

It's about feeding the soul. Yeah?

Evolving spirituality in... Foreword by Duncan Goodhew.

So...

Can I read one... Which I think...

"If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place,

"most would be glad to take each his own home again

"rather than take a portion out of the common stock."

It's saying, for the first time,

you know, the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Don't look over your neighbour's fence and go,

"Ooh, he's got a better car than me.

"Ooh, he's got a more attractive wife."

We all wake up and we go, "Oh, I ache. I'm not 18 any more."

You know, I'm thirty-n... I'm in my thirties.

But, so what? At least I've got my health.

And if you haven't got your health, if you've got one leg...

At least I haven't got two legs missing.

If you have lost both legs and both arms, just go, "At least I'm not dead!"

Er, I'd rather be dead in that situation.

To be honest, I'm not saying people like that should be, you know, put down.

I'm saying that in my life,

I'd rather not live without arms and legs because...

You know, I'm just getting into Yoga,

for one thing, so...

In my opinion...

Are you familiar with the term, "Laughter is the best medicine"?

Well, it's true, eh?

When you laugh, your brain releases endorphins, yeah?

Your stress hormones are reduced.

And the oxygen supply to your blood is increased. So you feel...

I try and laugh several times a day just... 'Cause it makes you feel good.

So let's... Let's try that.

(LAUGHS) Eh? Just, just...

(LAUGHING) Come on. Trust me, you'll feel...

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Eh?

Ooh! Yeah?

Oh!

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

DAWN: I'd be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected.

My old school just recently had a school reunion, um, which I didn't go to.

But one girl in my class, it turns out, right,

that she's now running her own internet auction website.

Making a fortune and is happily married to a marine biologist.

She used to eat chalk.

(SIGHS) Okay, well, that's about it, from yours truly.

Thanks for taking all I had to throw at you.

I'm spent. But, um, I am now gonna make like a banana and split.

(LAUGHS) He got it!

Okay, um, before I go though, um...

Promise me you'll remember one thing, yeah.

-Just remember... -(SWITCHES ON)

# You're the best

# Better than all the rest

Yeah!

# Better than anyone

Come on. Listen to it.

# Anyone I've ever met

Come on. Get into it.

# Ooh, I'm stuck on your heart

Yeah! Whoo!

I've been David Brent. You've been the best. Goodnight.

# Tear us apart

# Baby, I would rather be dead

# In your heart I see the star And every night... #

(SWITCHES OFF)

-Um, yes, our thanks to David... -You stopped it.

-I... -No, don't stop it.

Leave it going right to the end till I get...

(MUMBLES)

-Don't do that again next time. Okay? -Sorry.

Yeah!

Er, David Brent from Wernham Hogg.

(FAINT APPLAUSE)

I'll let you into a secret now, all right.

Before I went out there, I was worried whether I still had it. (CHUCKLES)

I'll let you be the judge of that.

High five! Don't leave me hanging, Dawn.

Oh, God!

Oh, jeez.

Oh, here he is. Oh!

-Tina a bit too much for you? -Possibly.

Well, it's your job.

Hold me back, 'cause when I'm out there, I am... (VOCALISES)

And it's like... (VOCALISES)

So that's up to you, I'm afraid.

Oh, jeez!

Tell you what though, they seemed to go for it, didn't they?

-Knock, knock. -Oh, yeah.

-You all right? -Yeah. Well done.

-What d'you think? -Well, my tastes are quite traditional.

Bit too rock 'n' roll for you?

-Possibly. -Each his own. Each his own.

I better warn you now...

That was me on a seven. Wait till you see me on a nine or ten.

Here's your cheque.

Thanking you. Well, there you go.

More importantly, though, what pub we going to?

(DAVID CHUCKLES)

More important than that... 300 quid... I don't think so!

Oh, where are we going?

Uh, we can't. We're just gonna grab some food. Go home.

Pizza? Yeah?

Never mind Pizza Express. What about Beer Express first?

Next stop, drunkenness. Whoo! (CHUCKLES)

It doesn't have to be. Go anywhere you want.

Chinese, Indian...

As long as it's, you know... It's on me!

Here we go. The Three Musketeers.

Bye.

WOMAN: Oh, I just remembered, I can't.

RAY: What do you mean?

JUDE: I've just remembered something I've got to do.

DAVID: Oh-oh! Just us two, then? Oh, no.

What sort of clubs are round here?

RAY: I'm not going to a club with you. DAVID: You bloody are!

(DAVID LAUGHING)

# So what becomes of you, my love?

# When they have finally stripped you off

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat

# So you could buy #