Original subtitles

Hello!

-You all right? -Yeah, good, thanks.

Oh. See that film last night?

-Denzel Washington? -No.

Aw, he's brilliant. He's a brilliant actor.

I know, he's very good. Very good.

-Aw, dear. -I like him.

He's got it.

(SIGHS) See you later.

Yeah. See you later.

Listen, he's not my favourite actor of all time, by the way.

-Oh, no? -No.

My favourite actor of all time is Mr Sidney Poitier.

-Oh. -So, that's all right?

Yes. That's amazing.

Gareth, what... Are you building up your wrists?

Yes.

Oh.

When is the charity wank-athon?

I don't know, but you'd win it.

(CHUCKLES) That's good.

-Good. -No, seriously, what are you doing?

Orienteering, aren't I, with the TAs.

All right.

Uh, yeah. Just come to, um... Come to apologise.

Oh, mate, don't worry about it.

Look, I was out of order. I'd had a bad time, was really wound up, so...

-No, I understand, mate. -I shouldn't have done it.

Well, I'm...

So we're cool, yeah?

Yeah. Absolutely, yeah. Totally cool.

What's that? Is that for me?

-Yeah. -Ah, cheers. Thanks.

Just to put your mind at rest. There's nothing going on between 'em.

'Cause I would know, I've been watching him like a hawk.

And I imagine you've been watching her at your end.

So between us we've got it covered.

All right, yeah. See you later, mate, yeah?

Yeah. All right. Thanks for that, mate. Cheers.

Probably a bottle of something.

You reckon?

Look at the shape.

Today I'm doing our staff appraisals.

And some people can get a little bit nervous about that,

'cause they think they're walking the long mile

to put their head on the block, which is wrong.

They fill out a form in advance

and they don't only sort of list their strengths and weaknesses,

um, but also mine as a boss.

So it's a chance for them to tell me where we're going wrong.

And we can, you know... It's very much an opportunity...

To separate the wheat from the chaff.

No. That sounds bad. It's not a witch-hunt.

We're not trying to find out who the worst people are.

Mmm. Well, we know who they are already.

-Well, no... -I've written them on my form.

You shouldn't have written it on your form, um...

I've underlined the worst ones.

You're missing the point. Yeah.

-Hello, David. -Here he is.

Tim Canterbury. A good man. The Canterbury Tales.

-Of Chaucer. -Yup.

And Shakespeare.

-Pleased with you. Very proud. -Thank you.

New leaf, etcetera.

Trust, encouragement, reward, loyalty, satisfaction.

That's what I'm, you know...

Probably wondering why I am so generous with encouragement?

Trust people and they'll be true to you.

Treat them greatly and they will show themselves to be great.

That's...

So happier now? No looking back?

Well, I am still eventually going to go back to uni

and do a psychology degree, but, yeah...

No point. No point. No point. No point.

Sure, 18-19, go to university, get it out of your system.

Waste time mucking around, getting drunk, getting up at midday.

-Having casual sex. -Having casual sex, you know.

But we're in our 30s now.

Well, I'm only just 30. Are you... You must be 39?

No. Both in our 30s is the fact. Yeah?

And who's to say, you know, you keep your head down,

in a few years time you could be in the hot seat,

like me, so...

-When I'm nearly 40. -Well, we're both in our 30s at the moment is what I'm...

Just chewing the fat. You know, but...

Good. You're on the right lines.

Can I just...

-If we're facing in the right direction... -Mmm?

...all we have to do is keep on walking.

Yeah. Very nice. You're quite a philosopher.

Well, it's just that I think our greatest glory

is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

-Are you reading these? -Am I what?

Reading the quotes.

Confucius. Oh, Bernard Shaw...

It doesn't matter who said them first. I'm passing on my wisdom.

-Don't tell those I've just been reading these. -I'm not gonna.

It's an insult. I'll put it down there if it's obvious.

I always wanted to be a children's illustrator.

And when people said to me, "What do you do?" I would say,

"Well, I'm an illustrator, but I do some reception work for a bit of extra cash."

And for years I was an illustrator who did some reception work.

And then Lee thought it would be a good idea for us to both get full-time jobs.

And, you know, then you're knackered after work

and it's hard to fit in time with the illustrating. You know, so...

Now, when people say, "What do you do?" I say, "I'm a receptionist."

And a bloody good one, you know.

And you'll always have the art.

Keep up... Keep up the doodling always.

Pipe dreams are good in a way.

Well, I still hope it will happen, to be honest.

Keep the dream alive because otherwise one day you'll go, "Oh! Could I have made it?"

Yeah.

And if you keep trying, at least then, when it, when it doesn't happen,

you can go, "At least I gave it a go."

You know?

Are you settling in all right? Yeah. I think it's...

Having fun?

Uh, yeah.

Not much fun. Not as much fun as you can have at Wernham Hogg.

How long were you at Swindon?

Uh, two years.

-Right. -Two years.

Okay, if you had to name a role model,

someone who's influenced you, who would it be?

What, like a historical person?

No, someone in sort of general life.

Just someone who's been an influence on you.

I suppose my mum. She's just... She's strong,

calm in the face of adversity.

(SIGHS) God, I remember when she had a hysterectomy...

If it wasn't your mother, though...

It doesn't even have to be a woman. It could be a...

Man? Um, okay.

Well, I suppose if it was a man it'd be my father.

Not your father. Let's take your parents as read.

I'm looking for someone in the work-related arena

-who's influenced... -Right. Okay.

Well, I suppose Tim, then. He's always...

Well, he's a friend, isn't he? Not a friend.

Someone in authority. Maybe I didn't... You know...

Well, then, I suppose Jennifer.

I thought we said not a woman. Didn't we? Or am I...

Er, okay, well, I suppose you're the only one who...

Oh.

Embarrassing. It's backfired, isn't it? Oh, dear. Very flattering.

-Can we put me as a... -Okay. Tim, then.

We said not Tim. So, do you want to put me or not?

-Okay. -Right.

So shall I put strong role model?

-Okay. -Yeah.

(ALARM RINGS)

Just a drill. Just a... Do not panic. Okay?

GARETH: Come on, people, let's get moving.

-They're trained. Good man. -Just as if it was real.

-I'd be the last one out in these situations. -Do not run and do not panic.

Not that this is in my job description. That's just what I do.

Leave your personal possessions. Come on.

I do this every couple of months.

Not that we have to by law. But that's not what I do.

It's because even though I'm always cool in a situation like this,

some people are not.

And so, I try to make sure... I'll do that. It's all right.

-No, no, no, no. I've got it. Go! -We were...

I'm going to get you out of here, all right?

(ALARM CONTINUES RINGING)

Obviously the lifts are out of bounds in a fire situation,

so the important thing is... Put her down.

(SIGHING)

This isn't worth it. It's stupid.

Obviously, in a real situation we'd take her all the way down,

but this is just a drill, so we can leave her here.

-Can't I just use the lift? -No, not even in a drill. Never use the lift.

We'll be out, maybe one minute. We'll be back.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

I've got no problem at all with him visiting every single child in the world

on a single night.

What I can't believe is that he's gonna stand up there

in Barnardo's arguing with old women.

(LAUGHING)

I don't know if you're aware of the situation that's arising here.

I usually steer clear of ladies at work,

but there is someone I've got my eye on.

I won't say who. I don't know what Tim's playing at, moving in.

He's already embarrassed himself once before asking Dawn out,

so this is only going to end in tears.

Whereas I, you probably notice, play it cool.

He's not a man of the world like me.

I can read women. And you've got to know their wants and their needs.

And that can be anything from

making sure she's got enough money to buy groceries each week,

to making sure she's gratified sexually after intercourse.

(ALARM CONTINUES RINGING)

(ALL CHATTING)

Noticed you were using all your best lines on Rachel.

-(LAUGHING) Best lines? I was just being friendly. -Yeah.

Hmm. It was friendly, sort of, more than.

-More than? -Friendly.

Under "Strengths," you've just put "Accounts".

Yeah.

-That's your job, though. That's just... that's just... -Mmm.

No, Keith. I'm sort of looking for your skills within your job.

So, is there anything else you could've put there?

-No. -Okay. Um...

Under "Weaknesses" you've put "Eczema".

You had a fantastically welcoming buffet.

(LAUGHING)

-The wine was something else. -Hmm.

-Everyone's sort of quite friendly. -Yeah, everyone's...

And Tim... Tim seems nice.

Yeah. He's a good laugh.

I've just got to, um... Has he got a girlfriend, or...?

-Tim? No. -Why? What's up with the...

Oh, nothing. Why, why?

Would you? Hmm?

Um, out of the equation.

Yeah. I know, but if you weren't, would he be...

If I weren't? (SNORTS) Madness.

Keith.

You've left this section completely blank, Keith.

You haven't done the Q and A.

I thought that you filled that in.

No, no, no, no. This is aimed at you.

"To what extent do you believe that you have the skills and knowledge

"to perform your job effectively?"

And then, you just tick one of the boxes.

"Not at all. To some extent. Very much so. Don't know."

What would you tick?

Don't know.

Okay.

Um, question two.

"Do you feel you have received adequate training to use your computer effectively?"

What are the options?

Same as... They're always the same. Always the same.

"Not at all. To some extent. Very much so. Don't know."

-Don't know. -Don't know again. Okay.

"Do you feel you are given the flexibility to decide

"how best to accomplish your goals?"

-Do you want the options again? -Yeah.

"Not at all. To some extent..." Always the same.

-"Very much so. Don't know." -Don't know.

If "Don't know" wasn't there, what would you put?

-What are the options? -"Not at all. To some extent.

-"Very much so. Don't know." -Very much so.

-Do you remember what the question was? -No.

Okay. "Do you..." Let's...

We're going to leave that there.

Just going to give the new Swindon lot a bit of a...

I mean, it's not an appraisal as such, but, you know...

(ALL LAUGHING)

Sorry. Just showing them...

Keep them occupied for the main event.

I hope you warmed 'em up better than last time!

Doesn't look like it.

-Okay. See you later. -EMPLOYEES: See you. Bye.

Anyway, good. Um, hello.

Uh, obviously, I can't give you an appraisal as such.

You've only been here a week.

But I did want to try and get a flavour of how you're settling in.

Um, I know it's probably not the same vibe you're used to.

Neil ruled with a bit more of an iron fist than me.

But, uh, settling in? Having a good time?

How is it different?

More laid back, presumably.

Think it's more laid back?

-Yeah? Yes? -Yeah...

Say yes, then, if you think it's more laid back. More laid back, more fun.

-Well... -Huh?

-Nothing. -Go on.

We're actually used to doing stuff,

like working hard, being motivated.

There's not much dynamism out there, is there?

No, I mean, people look like they're getting away with murder.

Having a laugh, yes.

Well, I think quite a few of us are bored.

Oh. What, you preferred Swindon?

-More of a laugh. -You're having a laugh saying that.

What's so good about Swindon? Neil?

-Yeah, for one. -What, you preferred Neil to me?

Who thinks Neil's more of a laugh than me? Hands up.

So... That's mental!

Come off it. You...

We're gonna have a drink. Come out for a drink with me and see who's more of a laugh.

Put your money where your mouth is...

We'll go for... We'll go for a drink at lunchtime.

We'll go... Right.

Right. Here we are.

Mike, there's an outing, okay? Lunchtime.

Show that lot what Slough lot are like, yeah?

Keith, what are you doing lunchtime?

Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous!

No. Purely social.

I know someone who is an alcoholic and it's no laughing matter.

Particularly for his wife, so...

And she's got alopecia, so not a happy home life.

And their eldest is like that Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man.

So, that's probably what turned him to it in the first place.

So, looking forward to the weekend?

-Yeah. -Cheers.

Cheers.

Mmm. That's a lovely drop of ale. That's Courage.

See, you get a lot of that round here

'cause the main brewery's in Reading, so... They do it

all over. They do it in London and everything, so...

What's the, um, brewery in Swindon? Is there a big...

It might be Courage actually.

Don't know.

No. This is all right, though, innit?

Nice pub... Ah?

No. Just a private joke.

I was saying, this is nice. There's a lovely pub near me, the Gardener's Arms.

-(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) -What? What are you doing?

Oh. It's just a bloke over there looks like someone we know.

Okay. One at a time. Focus, yeah?

You'll get more out of it in the long run, I promise you that.

Um...

I forgot what I was saying, then.

That's what happens when you...

Courage.

-Three points. -What? Don't do that on my head.

-Yeah. Unless you've changed into a dart... -From past experience,

-the dartboard being there makes no difference to you. -Listen!

I could be here and I'll still get 180.

-Ooh! -Hiya.

-Phew. Phew. Straight. -You all right?

Um, a couple of mates of mine are going down to Yates', um...

-The wine lodge? Classy. Joking. -(RACHEL CHUCKLES)

Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come down with us or not.

And you, Dawn. You could bring Lee if you like.

Oh. I don't think we'll be able...

Okay, but, um, you can come?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be coming. Thanks.

Great. Okay, um...

-You meant tonight? Yeah. Brilliant. -Yeah. Just after work.

TIM: Yeah, all right. We'll have a couple of drinks, yeah.

-RACHEL: Cool. Okay. -Excellent.

-Good luck. See you in a bit, all right. -Um, later.

-That'll be fun. -Yeah.

Yes. Yeah.

It'll be cool. Cool as a cucumber.

(GAME MUSIC CHIMING)

(DAVID CLEARS THROAT)

Good?

It was all right.

Hmm. No, I've eaten here, so...

So, if you want a really good pie, the Gardeners.

It's been a washout, ain't it?

You know, I don't know why I bothered if no one else is going to make the effort.

-We have made the effort. -Huh?

We have made the effort.

Yeah. I'm not having a go at you. It's just...

Obviously the best people haven't turned up. Let's just...

I'm going to shoot off back to the office.

(SIGHS) See you.

-Neil... -You all right?

Go.

Oh, nearly.

ALL: Aw...

-What are you doing? Are ya? -Having a laugh. Yeah.

Pity you could have had a laugh in the pub at lunchtime, selfish.

Bit dangerous, isn't it? In an office?

If you want to work, maybe you should work, as it's quarter past 2:00.

-Yeah. All right. We're just finishing off. -We're just finishing off.

Just want to be popular as the new boss.

Oh, love me! Pathetic!

Um...

Well, I think we should call it a day there. (CHUCKLES)

Tim, do you mind putting those away?

Guys, can we go back to work, please.

Sorry.

-David, can I have a word, please? -DAVID: If you want.

Um, I'm confused. I don't know what just happened there.

But obviously you've got a problem with something. What is it?

No. Time for work, wasn't it? That's what you say.

"Let's work, instead of mucking around in the office."

-Right. You see, your attitude confuses me. -Oh, does it?

If you don't want to tell me what the problem is, then fine.

But don't speak to me like that in front of staff, okay?

-'Cause you're acting like a petulant kid. -Young at heart.

If you've got a problem, come and speak to me,

but don't stand out there and embarrass me and yourself,

'cause I will not stand for it, okay?

I've been trying to be nice.

I've been trying to deal with this situation delicately

because I was mildly embarrassed that we were equivalents

and I'm now your boss, but that's the deal, live with it.

I don't let anyone talk to me the way you just did.

Not my staff, not my boss, no one and certainly not you. Do you understand?

Yeah.

-Do you understand? Good. -Yeah.

Look, you're a good bloke, Dave,

and if there's a problem I'd rather we discuss it sensibly

and not have to have these little chats, all right?

Shake on it? Great. Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

-I'll see you guys later. Take care. -All right. Yeah.

Cheers, Neil. Have a good night.

(DOOR OPENS)

-DAVID: Did you hear that? -Huh?

-Did you hear any of that conversation in there? -No.

I had it out with Neil. He showed his true colours, didn't he?

What do you mean? He's all right. He seems like a good bloke.

(SCOFFS) Is that what you think? All the best.

I'd better not say anything, then.

Watch your back. Slagging you off.

-What? -Slagging you off, yeah.

-What, me personally? -Yeah. Yeah.

-What, just me? -Yeah.

And you. Slagging all you lot off.

What's he saying?

Just going, "Oh, you lot are rubbish."

I was going, "Our lot are rubbish? Your Swindon lot are shit."

And he got aggressive and I went berserk.

Did you hit him?

If I had, don't you think he'd have come through that wall?

I don't know, he's pretty trim, mate.

Yeah? Against karate?

So, David, what did he actually say about us?

Just like slagging you lot off.

I went, "Your Swindon lot are little slugs.

"Little slugs with no personality.

"You're just jealous that we're better at everything than you."

I tell you what, on a serious note,

if it did kick off between me and him, get out.

I don't want you lot getting hurt. It's not worth it.

Well, I'd step in if you want.

This is big boy shit, mate. Cheers.

Hit him really hard above the ears

'cause the vacuum in the brain kills him instantly.

I wouldn't want him to die. I'd want to keep the little twat alive

with the shit I was going to pull on him.

All right? Hi.

Hello.

-You don't have a boyfriend, do you? No. -No.

Any kids from previous marriages or anything?

-Uh, no. -No.

Would you like to come out for a drink with me tonight?

Um, I can't I'm afraid. I'm going to go out with Tim. So...

-Tonight? -Yeah.

Can I come?

Uh, not really.

But you're not planning on getting off with him or anything?

Look, I don't think this is any of your business.

-I'm sorry. It's none of my business. -Okay.

-You go and have a drink, by all means. Enjoy yourself. -Thanks.

Just know that if you don't go all the way with Tim, I will still be interested.

-All right? -Thanks.

That's... That's good to know I have something to fall back on.

What if I do go all the way with Tim but I want a little bit more with you?

I don't usually do sloppy seconds,

but I judge everything on its individual merit,

so we'll cross that river when we come to it.

Thanks. That's good to know.

No problem.

(SIGHS)

-One in the kettle? -Yeah. It's actually just boiled, so...

One moment. If you do go all the way with Tim

and you expect me to go in there afterwards, make sure he wears a condom.

All right? It's sort of a rule.

-Is there any milk? -Yeah. It's in the fridge.

-See ya. -See you later, mate.

-You going home? -Yeah.

DAWN: That's for you.

Cheers.

Um, oh, can you call Millson's

and get that credit breakdown faxed over or emailed or whatever?

-Sure. -And, uh,

do you mind typing up those appraisal contracts ASAP?

I want to get them back to them.

-Sure. Okay. See you Monday. -See you.

Dawn, I'm fed up.

I'm fed up, to be honest. It's just, I...

-Oh! Why? -This place.

I don't want to say anything, but this...

Sometimes, I think it's a right shithole.

-Do you? -Yeah.

Do you think I'm funny?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Do you think Neil's funny? Sit down.

-Do I think Neil's funny? -Yeah.

Um, you know, I don't really know him, David.

But he's not funnier than me?

(SIGHS) No. Definitely not.

Right. I wish you'd tell that to the Swindon lot, miserable bunch of...

-Aren't they? Some of them? Boring. -Mmm.

Mmm.

What's your favourite stuff that I do, comedy-wise?

Um. Oh, there's too much.

-The impressions? -Oh! Yeah.

Which ones?

Uh...

Oh! Which ones are there again?

-Kermit? -Kermit. Brilliant.

"Welcome to The Muppet Show." "Hai-ya, Frog!"

Miss Piggy. Do you know Kermit's nephew, Robin?

# Halfway up the stair is the stair where I sit #

-Do you do Gonzo? -No.

Do you want a beer?

Um, I can't go to the pub.

No, no, no. I've got some here ready.

For emergencies.

Cheers. Oh!

I was looking through

some old poems I used to do.

-Oh? Did you? I didn't know. -Yeah.

-Yeah. What sort of... -Big time.

Quite sort of powerful. Here's one.

Shall I read one to you? This one's called Excalibur.

"I froze your tears and made a dagger

"and stabbed it in my cock forever.

"It stays there like Excalibur.

"Are you my Arthur? Say you are."

Good.

"Take this cool, dark, steeled blade.

"Steal it, sheath it in your lake.

"I'd drown with you to be together.

"Must you breathe? 'Cause I need heaven."

-Um. It's powerful. -Very.

And double meanings. Did you get the double meanings?

I did.

(WHISTLING)

# So what becomes of you, my love

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy? #

(WHISTLES)

(WHISTLES)