Original subtitles

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Morning, Gareth.

# Ma-na-ma-na, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

# Ma-na, ma-na, doo-doo, doo-doo

# Ma-na-ma-na, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

# Ma-na-ma-na, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

# Ma-na, ma-na, doo-doo, doo-doo

# Ma-na-ma-na, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

# Ma-na-na-na, ma-ma-na, na-na, na-na-na-na

# Ma-na-ma-na Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

# Ma-na-ma-na Doo-doo, doo-doo

# Ma-na-ma-na Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo #

(LAUGHING)

Muppets.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

No, I've not given up the idea of going to university.

It's not like I'm never gonna go.

It's just that, um, I've been made senior sales rep,

which is a great opportunity for me.

There's people now coming in from Swindon,

which is a new and exciting sort of venture for me as well.

Um, I'm 30. Time to grow up, basically. It's that simple.

Okay, listen, I suggest we put this down as a lesson, right?

You have the stuff over to me by 3:00 today.

3:00 today, please. All right? Then we'll say no harm done.

-All right? Okay. See you. -(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Gareth Keenan.

Who's that?

Oggy!

Oggy, Oggy, Oggy! Oink, oink, oink!

Oggy, Oggy, Oggy! Oink, oink, oink!

Oggy!

Oggy!

Oggy, Oggy, Oggy! Oink, oink, oink!

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah. I'll see you later.

Do you still keep in touch with Oggy?

-That was Oggy just then. -Was it? How is he?

He's fine. You don't even know him.

No, I wish I did. He sounds great.

-He is, actually. -Hmm.

One thing, Gareth. When you are on the phone,

could you keep the pig impersonations down to a minimum?

Yeah, here we go.

I've told you before, you can't tell me what to do. I am team leader.

Well, you see, Gareth, I'm senior sales rep, so yes, I can.

Uh, team leader beats senior sales rep.

No, no. No, it doesn't. My job title actually means something, Gareth. Yeah?

Uh, I've got a pay rise. I'm on a new scale.

Team leader don't mean anything, mate.

Excuse me, it means I'm leader of a team.

No, it doesn't mean. It's a title someone's

to get you to do something they don't want to do for free. All right?

It's like making a div kid at school milk monitor.

-No one respects it. -I think they do.

-No, they don't, Gareth. -Uh, yes, they do.

'Cause if people were rude to me,

you know, I used to give them their milk last. So that it was warm.

All right?

Oh, no.

Going through some old stuff. Found the Inside Paper.

It's a trade magazine for the paper industry.

My ugly mug on the front. Oh, no.

Embarrassing.

All right.

(SOFTLY) Oh.

All right.

He's put me off what I was doing. Where was I?

Oh, yeah, looking at the phone calls.

Don't, don't, don't, don't. Stop it.

Give it.

Hello? Dawn, uh, someone's coming to collect that later.

-Okay. -So, if you can...

Um, Lee, I wouldn't get caught behind there today, mate.

'Cause there's new people coming in and top brass are milling about.

-So, you should, uh... Yeah. -Go ahead.

-I'm going anyway, mate. -All right.

-See you. -Bye.

All right, mate.

Um, I'm sorry about that.

It's just I've got to supervise everything

and make sure it's all sorted, you know.

-You haven't visited for ages. -Huh? Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm busy now. I'm sort of, um, a bit snowed under, so...

But you're all right, though?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. You? -Mmm. Did you just laugh?

-(PHONE RINGS) -Oh, phone.

Okay.

I'll call you if I find anything. All right.

Oh. It's all go.

This is David. This is Neil.

-Neil Godwin. Hiya. -Hi.

Neil is Jennifer's replacement. He's sort of overseeing...

David's boss.

Just a tiny, a little bit above me, and that's it.

I'm the UK manager.

Um, I was sort of David's equivalent in Swindon.

And, um, doing the same kind of job as him.

Obviously, my branch closed

-and now my staff are coming here. -Welcome.

So I'm essentially David's boss, looking after him.

"Looking after" is the wrong term to use, because we're both...

But good to meet you though.

-Um, we have met before. -Have we?

-Yeah, Ipswich conference? -Oh, God.

(IN FRENCH ACCENT) I was a little bit drunk.

For most of the week, as I remember.

Doesn't sound like me, does it, Dawn?

Anyway, oh. Oh.

Come into my boudoir.

Ooh. Ah. Is Jennifer with you?

-Uh, no, she's on her way, apparently. -Oh, part-timer.

(IMITATING JOHNNY VEGAS) Monkey!

Just an example of the laughs we have here, isn't it? For one.

Sure, um, we're in potentially traumatic times,

but they are exciting times, um, with the merger.

Uh, and things move fast.

Only two weeks ago,

I was telling them at the party I'd decided to stay after all.

And you saw how relieved they were at that.

Um, but we've had a personnel change of 20-25%, you know. People coming and going.

Um, redundancies,

some voluntary, some involuntary, which is always hard.

I had to let my PA go.

Um, last in, first out, which, you know, was really sad.

So that was upsetting,

but um... I'm coping.

I rolled with the punch, you know.

And it turns out that Dawn can do a lot of it anyway, so...

I'm sure there's gonna be plenty time for this later.

I just thought I'd give you some of this...

-Oh, sorry, is that in your way? -No.

You can just set it down there 'cause I'll move that.

It's actually... Oh, God. Look at that! Stupid.

Get UK Manager Of The Month, Inside Paper, and I pull a dull face. Typical.

You look quite young there.

Yeah. Photogenic, sort of natural.

-It's 18 months old. -Yeah.

I mean to throw that... I got it out today to throw it away, definitely.

(MUMBLING)

Oh! (GRUNTS)

Nice. Look at that. Inside Paper.

Inside the paper bin now.

Recycle that. It's... It's a shame, 'cause...

(COOKIE JAR SPEAKING) Stop! Move away from the cookie jar!

Stop! Move away from the cookie jar!

-Hello. Are you... -Do you want a biscuit?

-Do you want a biscuit? -What is it?

Stop! Move away from the cookie jar!

-It's good. -Mmm-hmm.

Um, what's that? Oh, yeah.

Do you know this little thing we're doing lunchtime?

-Just a welcoming do for the new Swindon lot? -Yeah, yeah.

Just a meet and greet.

And I'll be doing a speech, so no heckling.

I've got a joke for you.

Well, I don't usually do jokes, but go on.

All right. It's Christmas dinner.

Royal family having a Christmas dinner.

Camilla Parker Bowles goes,

"Okay, we'll play 20 Questions.

"I'll think of something. You have to ask me questions and guess what it is."

So, what she's thinking is a black man's cock.

Oh! Trust Camilla.

-It's not racist, is it? No. -No.

Um, so, Prince Philip goes, "Is it big in the bread bin?"

-Mmm. -She goes, "Yeah."

Prince Charles goes, "Is it something that I can put it in my mouth?"

She goes, "Yeah."

Queen goes, "Is it a black man's cock?"

She's guessed it. From those clues.

-Straightaway. -(DAVID LAUGHS)

Oh, God. That's the sort of stuff I write.

Well, you didn't write it, you just told it,

but you know, well done. So, do it again.

Stop! Move away from the cookie jar!

Oh, look forward to this.

(CHUCKLES)

(MURMURING GREETINGS)

DAVID: Big day today.

Swindon mob are arriving.

Um, I've laid on a do for them. Part of the job.

-WOMAN: Hiya. -Hi.

WOMAN: How are you doing? MAN: Kiss everyone.

If you ask me what vibe I'm going to lay down,

it's gonna be a very much just a chill-out,

let's-get-to-know-each-oth er type of vibe.

-Nice to see you. -Good to see you.

-He kisses everyone. It means less. -Yeah, yeah.

DAVID: Jennifer's coming back, just to oversee the transition.

Checking out the vibe in there.

Very much holding Neil's hand. Daunting for him. Uh, sure.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Dawn, you know I don't drink.

Huh?

Just do it and she gave me some wine, and I went, "No, I don't drink."

Do you not drink?

-So, it's a sure... -He says, do I "not drink"?

MAN: Yeah, I...

Yeah, he drinks.

-Just a little bit. -I'm fine.

All right, take a chair. Not literally.

-Thank you. -Oh, oh, ladies first.

Oh, here we go. Oh.

All this stuff.

-Yes, yes, it's worth the effort. -It's great.

-Are you going to say a few words? -Just a few. Nothing much.

Don't be nervous.

Just keep it short. Bring me on. Enjoy the show.

Okay.

Some people are intimidated

when talking to large numbers of people in an entertaining way.

Not me, you know. I've had experience, so I'm...

At one of the Coventry conferences, some of us put on a little revue.

That was the main thing, and I did impressions

of the conference coordinator, um, Eric Hitchmo.

And, uh, he talks like this, and he always says one thing,

"I don't agree with that in the workplace." Yes, ask them.

And, um, I did him as famous people.

Like the compere would go, "Lieutenant Columbo." And I'd come out in a mac.

And I go, (IMITATING COLUMBO) "Yeah, one final thing, my wife loves you,

(SWITCHES ACCENT) "but I don't agree with that in the workplace."

That's great. And I did him as Basil Fawlty.

(IMITATING BASIL FAWLTY) "I think I mentioned it once,

"but I got away with it, and I don't agree with that in the workplace."

And they were cracking up. And he loved it 'cause it was nothing vicious.

You know, some "comedians" would have picked other stuff, you know, been more nasty.

Like he's got a little withered hand, like Jeremy Beadle.

I didn't mention it.

No need.

Okay. Hello, everyone. Um...

For those who don't know me, my name's Neil Godwin.

-Hello, Neil. -Hello.

For those of you that do know me, keep schtum.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

I'm a man of simple pleasures.

I don't need lovely houses, beautiful girls and classy restaurants,

so it's a good job I moved to Slough.

No, it's great to be in Slough, really it is.

I've just spent a year in Beirut.

(PEOPLE LAUGH)

Now, I know David is feeling a bit worried about taking on all these new staff.

Because as manager, it's gonna mean a lot more responsibility.

He'll now have to delegate twice as much work.

But there will be perks for him.

I'm sure he's looking forward to having a whole new group

-(LAUGHING) -MAN: Whoo!

Anyway, here's the man at the top of the pile, David Brent.

Thanks. Right.

You know he was saying about me being at the top of a pile of men?

Saying I'm gay. All right, I'm not gay.

In fact, I can honestly say I've never come over a little queer.

Let's get to the real stuff.

That was just... He was putting me on.

Welcome to Slough, to the new people.

Uh, my name's David Brent.

And um, I've always been in the paper industry.

I don't know, yeah.

My parents owned a paper shop,

until it blew away... 'Cause it was paper.

There's better ones than that. Okay.

Yeah, I'm not used to public squeaking.

And I pis-pronunciate a lot of my worms.

Ooh.

D'you know, that's The Two Ronnies.

Did you not like that? That is classic stuff.

-(MOBILE RINGS) -Turn the phone off. That's part of it.

If you're not concentrating, you're not gonna enjoy it

Focus, okay?

Anyway, good to have you all here from Swindon.

'Cause I hear they dropped an atomic bomb on Swindon.

About 15 quids' worth of damage.

(CLEARS THROAT) Right. Okay.

Let's... Right.

Oh, it's a good job Eric Hitchmo isn't here.

'Cause you know what he'd say,

"I don't agree with that in the workplace." Wouldn't he?

Oh, imagine if Eric was a Los Angeles detective. Be a bit weird, wouldn't it?

(IMITATING COLUMBO) "Um, yeah, one final thing,

"my wife loves you, (SWITCHES ACCENT)

"but I don't agree with that in the workplace." Wouldn't it?

What's that, Eric? You've given up being a Los Angeles detective

and you started running a hotel in Torquay?

"Yes, don't mention the war. I mentioned it once,

"but I think I got away with it (GIBBERISH) in the workplace!

"I don't agree with that in the workplace!"

Do you not know who Eric Hitchmo is?

Who's been to the Coventry conference?

Right. So, do you not know Eric Hitchmo?

Oh, yeah. But I didn't know he talked like that.

DAVID: Talks exactly like that. Don't he, Gareth?

I prefer the stuff you do about his little hand.

I don't do stuff about his little hand.

-Yeah, you do. The wanking claw. -(SOFTLY) No. I don't.

Has anyone ever heard of Harry Enfield?

Has anyone ever heard of Harry Enfield?

-ALL: Yes. -Yes. Right.

Then, okay, then, who's this?

"I do not believe you wanted to do that!

"Only me!"

Oh, come on!

You try so hard, and that's...

(GRUNTS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

-Um, thank... Thanks, David. -Uh?

-Thanks. -Whatever. Just...

Okay. There's plenty of wine and snacks left through there.

So if you want to help yourself to anything else,

come through.

Thanks, David.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

I see you've got the wheelchair.

I have, yeah.

Hi, I've got a mate who's got a wheelchair.

Well, not really a mate. I don't like him actually.

You know, I feel all right. I think so. Yeah.

-It's good. It looks very smart. -Oh, cheers.

-Thank you. -It gives the right impression.

Thank you very much. Sorry, excuse me.

Dawn, I've just realised you've been off reception

Um, and I don't know if we're missing calls,

-Can you... Could you check? -Mmm-hmm.

-Could you check the messages? Is that all right? -Yeah.

Thanks very much, mate. Cheers.

Um, nice. As long as it's comfy...

Hiya.

Uh... (CLICKS TONGUE)

Lunchtime gigs, they're the worst, aren't they?

I don't think Neil warmed you up, to be honest, you know.

That's why it went over. He's not a professional

He was funny, though.

Yeah, but often an amateur will stitch up a professional.

Here's one I should've told you. Right.

The Royal family, yeah, Christmas Day, had lunch.

Then Camilla goes, "Let's play a game. All right?

"Let's play 20 Questions. I'll think of something

"and you guys, guess what I'm thinking of."

And what she's thinking of is a black man's cock. Right?

So, Charles goes, "Uh, is it big in the bread bin?"

She goes, "Yes." Uh?

Philip goes, "Can I put it in my mouth?" She goes, "Yes."

So the Queen goes, "Is it a black..." Hiya.

Hi.

Sorry, were you telling a joke?

No, that was it.

What did the Queen say?

Didn't...

Come on, what was the joke?

It's about the Royal family playing 20 Questions.

Oh, yeah, it's not the black man's cock one, is it?

It might be, but I don't... Bad, innit?

No. It's all right. It's funny.

Harmless. Well done.

Have you all met the, uh... This little lady?

This lady?

Well, it's a shame this had to happen on Neil's first day,

but... (SIGHS) Well, I've just had a complaint from one of the new intake.

DAVID: What complaint?

I can't believe that you think the way to welcome people is by telling racist

Wrong. No way. But he'd heard it before. Right?

He thought it was funny, so I don't see why he's complaining now.

He? It was a woman.

I thought... I assumed it was the new guy.

Whoever it was, is wrong. 'Cause it isn't racist.

What is it then?

-What, the joke? -Mmm, the gist of it.

Won't be funny now, will it?

I don't care. What's the content?

Royal family sitting at home, Christmas Day.

And Camilla goes, "Well, let's play a game.

"I'll think of something. And you have to guess what I'm thinking of."

And what she's actually thinking of is a black man's cock.

So, Charles goes, "Is it big in the bread bin?" Camilla goes, "Yeah."

So, Philip goes, "Can I put it in my mouth?" Camilla goes, "Yeah."

So the Queen goes, "Oh, is it a black man's cock?"

And he's heard it before. So that's the sort of... Yeah.

I can see why someone would find that offensive.

It's not racist though, is it? I didn't say anything bad

It's about a black man's cock.

Why is that racist? It just happens to be a black man's cock.

No, you're using the ethnic stereotype

that black men have large penises

because you think that makes it funnier.

It's not an insult though, is it? It's a compliment if anything.

So, what you're saying is that

black people ought to be flattered

that their only achievement in this world is having oversized genitalia?

-I'm saying they shouldn't be ashamed of 'em. -It's a myth.

I don't know, Jennifer. I could show you a magazine, where literally...

Could you?

Well, I haven't got it with me, but when you're next in.

I could change it. I could just say "big cock". Not mention the colour.

Well, you could, or you could save those jokes for your free time

and not tell them in the workplace.

It was his joke. He told me it.

Yeah, whatever, David. Let's leave it there.

You've heard my opinion on the matter.

Now, shall we go back outside?

Yeah. (CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS) She's right to be careful,

'cause some of them can be a little bit sensitive, you know, so...

Sorry, who's insensitive?

Some people can take things the wrong way.

-Sure. Uh-huh. -Oh, as an actress said to a bishop.

And that's not a gay stereotype, the wrong way.

I'm not saying that is the wrong way. I'm saying it's a way.

Some women like it the wrong way, don't they?

And they're straight. It doesn't matter if you're straight or gay, you know.

A lot of people are. And one in 10, apparently. That seems

But, you know, you might be gay. If you are, good luck to ya.

You know, just, just make sure it's legal, and be safe. Okay?

That's it, see,

a lot of people can't keep up with

what words are acceptable these days and what words aren't.

Uh, it's like my dad, for example.

He's not as cosmopolitan or as educated as me.

And it can be embarrassing,

you know, he doesn't understand all the new trendy words,

like he'll say "poofs" instead of "gays".

Um, "birds" instead of "women".

"Darkies" instead of "coloureds".

Um...

(INDISTINCT CHATTING)

All right, Tim?

Yes, thanks, Keith.

-Hiya. Mmm. -Sorry, I didn't mean to...

I've got a T-shirt with "pot my pink" on it.

-You play snooker? -Not... Not... Not that way.

-So it's, um, Rachel, isn't it? -Tim.

-Well done. -Gareth Keenan.

-Gareth Keenan. -Hiya.

Keith.

Thanks very much. Good luck.

-Hey, Jenny. So, you've met Oliver? -Yes.

Yeah, good lad. We were having a laugh earlier, weren't we?

-What? Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

Did you like that joke I told about the Royal family?

-Oh, yeah, I mean, it was funny. -Oh, yeah.

David, we've talked about this. I think I made myself perfectly clear.

Yep, interesting.

-I'll see you later, David. Goodbye. -Yeah, yeah.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

She should chill out a bit more, shouldn't she?

Maybe a bit of the old (BLOWING) ganja.

Do you know what I mean? Course you do. Oh!

Meetings would be a bit different. Wouldn't it?

"Uh, yes, David, I've called this meeting

"'cause I want you to go down the 24-hour garage and get me some HobNobs." Wouldn't it?

All right. Like Scooby-Doo, all the Scooby snacks,

'cause he's got the munchies, didn't he?

More like Scooby-Doo, dooby-dooby-doo.

(IMITATING SCOOBY-DOO) Shaggy!

I was not advocating the use of drugs.

I was talking to someone on their level

'cause I can communicate with people from all walks of life.

-Do you want one? -Mmm.

Snacks.

So when did you come up?

Um, Saturday.

Mmm. Saturday.

Um, was it your mum or your boyfriend or whatever, drove you? Or...

-No. My brother came up with me. -Okay.

Have you got a lot of ties in Swindon,

or are you starting again up here?

I'll be... I'll be going back weekends.

Oh, right. Okay.

So...

Sorry, so have you got a boyfriend or not?

Uh, no, I haven't.

Uh, I think I left my drink.

-I'm just gonna... Okay. -Okay, yeah, see you in a bit.

Tim, I know you don't mean to, but you're sort of cramping my style a bit.

-What? -I'm kind of planning to get off with her. So...

Are you jok... Gareth, what if I liked her?

I saw her first, mate.

And how does that work?

So you've won the argument doing that, then? Yeah, of course.

That's won the argument.

(SIGHS)

Ah, the room's nice.

-Hi. -Hiya.

They came for the package.

-Oh, they came, did they? Good. That's good. -Good. No problem.

Cool.

I'm so bored.

-Are you? All right. Okay. -Do you want to wind up Gareth for a bit?

Um, well, no. I don't think we should. He's a bit busy. So...

So?

So am I, Dawn, actually.

So should you be.

Is that what you're going?

A few things, then.

Um, Dawn, hello.

Uh... Just I've been checking my diary.

I've been overlooking something. So have you, actually.

There's a 20-minute window I've got here, it says to wind up Gareth with Dawn.

-So, shall we do that? Shall we? -Mmm.

(CLEARS THROAT) This way please, madam.

MAN 1: Oh, no, please. I'm not in the mood.

MAN 1: I'm working. MAN 2: Just a quick one.

Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?

-No. -(TIM AND DAWN LAUGH)

Sorry, um, can I have a quick word with everyone?

Um, I'm mainly talking to the Swindon lot here.

Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. Yeah?

I don't think, you know, you didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier.

You've got to chill out. Yeah? Trust me.

This is what I do.

All right?

You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant. Fact. Yeah?

And you'll never have another boss like me,

someone who's actually a chilled-out entertainer. Yeah?

Now, some of you maybe didn't understand the jokes,

I was making and misinterpreted one, and went to Jennifer. Okay.

Um, little bit annoyed that you thought that you'd go to Jennifer and not me.

Who was it that complained? And it's not a witch hunt. Just who was it that...

Okay? Who? Two of you. Good. Right.

You... Um, why did you think you'd go to Jennifer but not me?

-'Cause I didn't know you and I didn't like... -Sure.

-...the kind of joke you were telling.

And I don't think somebody in your position should be laughing at black people.

It's funny that only two of you thought that out of everyone, but, you know...

-Um, I didn't like it either. -Right, proves my point.

Swindon. You're new. You don't know me.

I'm not new and I found it quite offensive.

Right. Well, he didn't.

WOMAN: But what's he got to do with it?

Well, if he doesn't mind us laughing at him, what harm's

But why is it that only black people should be offended by racism?

Good point. Yeah. First sensible thing you've said all day. Yeah.

Because I say, "Come one, come all. We're all the same." Yeah? That's...

So is that why you've only got one black guy in the whole organisation?

Wrong. Yeah? Indian fellow in the warehouse.

And there used to be one Indian fellow who used to work up here.

Lovely chap. He left. Didn't like it. Up to him. You know.

If I had my way, the place'd be full of them, wouldn't it, Gareth?

Yeah, well, half and half.

DAVID: Yeah.

You are half and half, aren't you?

-I'm mixed race, yes. -Uh.

That is my favourite. Yeah. That is what I'm trying to...

That's the melting pot, please.

So, there's your "racist" for you.

So...

-He did. He said melting pot! Oh, my God. -He didn't.

-He did. Oh, my God. -He didn't actually do the fingers.

Oh, let's... Come on, let's just get on.

DAWN: Yeah, it just... TIM: Come on, please. Let's love each...

# What David needs is a great, big melting pot #

Lee!

All right.

Dawn...

(SIGHS)

All right.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Phew!

# So what becomes of you, my love

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the gladrags

# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy #