All language subtitles for Dave.Chappelle.Killin.Them.Softly.2000.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.

♪ ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
LOSE MY MIND ♪

♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
GO ALL OUT ♪

♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
ACT A FOOL ♪

♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
LOSE MY COOL ♪

♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪

FROM THE HISTORIC
LINCOLN THEATER

IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,

DAVE CHAPPELLE !

( cheers and applause )

THANK YOU !

THANK YOU, THANK YOU !

OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.

ALRIGHT...

BOY...

Y'ALL MAKE IT GOOD
TO COME HOME, BOY, I SWEAR.

I KNOW, MAN,
IT'S BEEN A WHILE,
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

D.C.'s DIFFERENT !

I BEEN GONE, MAN,
IT TOOK ME YEARS

TO GET TO DO THIS SHOW,
BOY, D.C. HAS CHANGED.

IT'S DIFFERENT NOW.

( laughter )

THERE'S A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE
WALKIN' AROUND, ISN'T THERE ?

( applause )

I LEFT D.C. IN THE 80s,
IT WAS NOT LIKE THIS IN THE 80s.

WHEN CRACK WAS GOING ON,

REMEMBER WHEN
CRACK WAS GOING ON ?

THE WHITE PEOPLE'D
BE LOOKIN' AT D.C. FROM VIRGINIA

WITH BINOCULARS
AND SHIT.

"WELL, THAT
LOOKS DANGEROUS.

NOT YET."

NEW WHITE PEOPLE, YOU CAN'T
SCARE THESE WHITE PEOPLE.

I TRIED.

ROLLED UP ON 'EM,
"BOO !"

"WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU ?"

( applause )

"THOSE DAYS ARE OVER."

I'M GLAD THAT WE'RE DOING
A SHOW HERE BY HOWARD,

YOU KNOW, AND YOU SEE
WHITE PEOPLE COME BY

AND THAT'S GOOD.

THE ONE THING
I'M SEEING,

YOU'LL BE WALKING
DOWN THE STREET

AND YOU'LL SEE
A GROUP OF BLACK DUDES WALKING,

NOT JUST ANY OLD BLACK DUDES,
WE'RE TALKING, YOU KNOW,

"THUGS".

THERE'D BE SOME THUGS,
AND IN THE GROUP,

THEY GOT ONE OR TWO,
SOMETIMES AS MANY

AS THREE WHITE GUYS
WILL BE WITH THEM,

DID YA EVER SEE
THAT SHIT ?

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT THOSE WHITE GUYS.

THOSE WHITE GUYS ARE
THE MOST DANGEROUS MOTHERFUCKERS

IN THEM GROUPS.

( applause )

WELL, IT'S TRUE,
IT'S TRUE, MAN.

AIN'T NO TELLIN'
WHAT THEY'VE DONE

TO GET THEM
BLACK DUDE'S RESPECT.

BUT, THEM BLACK DUDES
HAVE SEEN THEM DO

SOME WILD SHIT,
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

I BEEN TRYING
TO TELL BROTHERS THAT.

EVERY GROUP OF BROTHERS
SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST

ONE WHITE GUY IN IT.

I'M SERIOUS,
FOR SAFETY.

'CAUSE WHEN
THE SHIT GOES DOWN,

SOMEBODY'S GONNA NEED
TO TALK TO THE POLICE.

( laughter )

THAT'S WHEN THAT WHITE FRIEND
COMES IN HANDY.

"UH-OH, ERNIE,
WANNA GET THIS ONE ?

C'MON NOW, C'MON,
DO SOMETHIN'."

SEE, BLACK PEOPLE ARE
VERY AFRAID OF THE POLICE.

THAT IS A BIG PART
OF OUR CULTURE.

IT DON'T MATTER
HOW RICH YOU ARE,

HOW OLD YOU ARE.

WE'RE JUST
AFRAID OF 'EM.

WE GOT EVERY REASON
TO BE AFRAID OF THEM.

YOU KNOW, LIKE,
YOU'RE A WHITE LADY,

YOU EVER BEEN
PULLED OVER BEFORE ?

AND WHAT DO THEY SAY ?

LET ME SEE YOUR
DRIVER'S LICENSE

AND YOUR REGISTRATION,
RIGHT ?

SEE, SEE,
I'M JUST GUESSING.

THAT'S NOT
WHAT THEY SAY TO US.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE
WHAT THEY SAY TO US.

"SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS
AND LIFT YOUR SACK."

LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK ?

"EXCUSE ME ?!"

"YOU HEARD ME,
SPREAD OPEN YOUR CHEEKS

AND LIFT YOUR SACK."

I GOT A DRIVER'S
LICENSE, TOO.

IT'S ONE OF THE EASIER WAYS
TO PROVE WHO I AM.

WHAT DOES THAT PROVE ?

I CAN'T GO
TO THE BANK LIKE THAT.

CASH MY CHECK.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY I.D. ?"

"WAIT A MINUTE."

( applause )

"OH, OH, I'M SORRY
MR. CHAPPELLE,

"RIGHT THIS WAY.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SPREAD
YOUR CHEEKS IN THE BEGINNING ?"

SCARED OF 'EM.

I'M SERIOUS, MAN.

YOU EVER BEEN
AT A RED LIGHT,

THE POLICE MIGHT
PULL UP NEXT TO YOU ?

IT WON'T BE
NO BIG DEAL FOR YOU,

BUT, I FUCKIN'
FALL APART.

"OH, OH, MAN.

NO, DON'T LOOK
OVER THERE, NO, NO."

BUT, I DIDN'T ALWAYS KNOW
THERE WAS A BLACK THING,

IT TOOK ME A WHILE
TO FIGURE THAT OUT.

I LEARNED THAT SHIT
IN NEW YORK,

I WAS IN NEW YORK CITY.

( applause )

I WAS HANGING OUT
WITH A FRIEND OF MINE.

HE'S A WHITE GUY, YOU KNOW,
WE WERE JUST HANGING OUT,

AND WE WERE
LOST IN THE CITY,

YOU KNOW, WE WERE
SMOKING A JOINT.

NOW I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S
A COINCIDENCE

THAT WE WERE LOST
AND HIGH, AND SHIT,

BUT, MY WHITE BUDDY,
HE WAS SMOKING A JOINT.

"DAVE, DAVE !

IT'S THE GODAMN COPS."

( laughter )

"I'M GONNA ASK 'EM
FOR DIRECTIONS."

I SAID, "CHIP, NO !
CHIP, DON'T DO IT !

IT WAS TOO LATE.

HE WAS WALKING OVER THERE,
THIS MAN WAS HIGH AS SHIT.

"EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME, SIR."

TOUCHING HIM AND SHIT,
"EXCUSE ME.

I NEED SOME
INFORMATION."

HE STARTS CONFESSING THINGS
HE SHOULDN'T CONFESS.

"I'M A LITTLE HIGH...

ALL I WANNA KNOW,
WHICH WAY IS THIRD STREET ?"

THE COP WAS LIKE,
"HEY, TAKE IT EASY.

"YOU'RE ON THIRD STREET.

"YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL,
GO AHEAD, MOVE IT.

MOVE IT."

THAT'S ALL
THAT HAPPENED.

THAT'S THE END
OF THE STORY.

NOW, I KNOW THAT'S
NOT AMAZING TO SOME OF YOU,

BUT, YOU ASK ONE
OF THESE BLACK FELLAS,

THAT SHIT IS FUCKING
INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT ?

A BLACK MAN
WOULD NEVER DREAM

OF TALKING
TO THE POLICE HIGH.

THAT'S A WASTE OF WEED.

( laughter and applause )

I'M SERIOUS.

I'D BE SCARED OF
TALKING TO THE POLICE

WHEN I'M SLEEPY !

FUCK AROUND,
GET THE WRONG IDEAS.

"OH !"

"OH, MY GOD !

"THAT NIGGER
WAS ON PCP, JOHNSON !

"I HAD TO USE
NECESSARY FORCE.

"YOU SAW HIM !

"NO, NO, NO,
NO PAPERWORK.

"JUST SPRINKLE SOME
CRACK ON HIM,

LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE."

THAT'S HOW IT IS,
BUT, AT THE TIME,

I DIDN'T THINK THERE
WAS ANYTHING RACIAL ABOUT IT.

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, CHIP,
YOU GOT FUCKIN' LUCKY,

YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL."

BUT, THEN ANOTHER TIME,
ME AND CHIP WERE DRIVING.

NOW, I'M NOT DRIVING,
CHIP IS DRIVING,

AND HE'S DRIVING
A LITTLE CRAZY.

HE'S BEEN DRINKING.

NOW, I DON'T LIKE TO
LET MY FRIENDS DRIVE DRUNK,

BUT, YOU KNOW,
I WAS SMOKING A JOINT,

I COULDN'T REALLY
SAY SHIT TO THE GUY !

BUT, WE GET
TO A RED LIGHT,

WE STOP AT A RED LIGHT,

AND A CAR PULLS UP
NEXT TO US,

AND, I'LL NEVER
FORGET IT.

CHIP, HE LOOKS AT ME
AND HE'S ALL DRUNK,

AND HE'S LIKE,
"DAVE,

I'M GONNA RACE 'EM."

I KNEW IT WAS
A BAD IDEA.

BUT, I WAS HIGH.

I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM
IT WAS A BAD IDEA,

BUT, ALL THAT
CAME OUT WAS,

"WELL, NIGGER,
SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA RACE,
I DON'T KNOW."

( wild applause )

MAN, THAT LIGHT TURNED GREEN
AND CHIP TOOK OFF !

ZIG ZAGGIN' AND SHIT,
SO, NO ONE COULD PASS,

THE OTHER CAR DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW WE WAS RACIN' !

THEN THE POLICE SEEN US
AND PULLED US OVER.

NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND,
I'M SCARED AS SHIT.

I MEAN, COME ON,
THE CAR SMELLS LIKE WEED,

WE'VE BEEN SPEEDING,
THIS MAN IS FUCKING DRUNK !

I'M SCARED.

CHIP WAS NOT
SCARED AT ALL.

IT WAS WEIRD, HE DIDN'T
EVEN TURN HIS RADIO DOWN,

ISN'T THAT WEIRD ?

I MEAN, IF YOU
GET PULLED OVER,

WOULDN'T YOU TURN
YOUR RADIO DOWN ?

NOBODY WANNA GET
THEIR ASS BEAT

TO A SOUNDTRACK
AND SHIT.

( laughter )

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

CHIP HAD
THE MUSIC BLASTING...

♪ WE'RE NOT GONNA
TAKE IT ♪

HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID,
"DAVE, JUST RELAX.

"CLOSE YOUR
BUTT CHEEKS, RELAX !

LET ME DO THE TALKING."

WANNA KNOW
WHAT HE SAID ?

THIS IS ALMOST
EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.

I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT,
HE SAYS, "OH, OH...

"SORRY, OFFICER, I...

I DIDN'T KNOW
I COULDN'T DO THAT."

I WAS FUCKING SHOCKED !

THE COP SAID,
"WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.

GET OUTTA HERE, JUST
GET THE FUCK YOU OUTTA HERE."

CHIP SAID, "OKAY,
I WILL, SIR, THANK YOU.

"WHAT ?

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU, DAVE ?"

"I DIDN'T KNOW
I COULDN'T DO THAT."

HE SAID, "THAT WAS GOOD,
WASN'T IT ?!

BECAUSE I DID KNOW
I COULDN'T DO THAT !"

( laughing )

( audience howling )

I WAS SHOCKED.

I WASN'T SHOCKED
AT THE AUDACITY,

I WAS JUST SHOCKED
BECAUSE I WOULD'VE

NEVER THOUGHT
TO SAY THAT.

I DON'T THINK ANY BLACK DUDE
WOULD THINK TO SAY THAT.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW
WE KNOW THE LAW.

EVERY BLACK DUDE
IN THIS ROOM

IS A QUALIFIED
PARALEGAL AND SHIT,

HE KNOWS THE LAW.

IF ONE OF US EVEN
START TO DO SOMETHING WRONG,

THE OLD BLACK MAN
WOULD POP OUTTA NOWHERE,

"NIGGER, DON'T DO THAT,
THAT'S 5-TO-10 !

WATCH OUT !"

BUT, WE KNOW THE LAWS
AND THE PENALTIES.

NOW, CHIP DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW HE COULDN'T RACE.

I'M NOT SAYING
I DON'T LIKE POLICE,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

I'M SAYING
I'M JUST SCARED OF 'EM.

THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH THAT.

SOMETIMES,
WE WANNA CALL 'EM TOO.

SOMEBODY BROKE
INTO MY HOUSE ONCE,

THAT'S A GOOD TIME
TO CALL 'EM, BUT, NO,

UH-UH, UH-UH.

THE HOUSE
WAS TOO NICE.

IT AIN'T
A REAL NICE HOUSE,

BUT, THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE
I LIVED IN IT.

THEY'D BE LIKE,
"HE'S STILL HERE !

"OH, MY GOD !

"OPEN AND SHUT CASE,
JOHNSON !

"I SAW THIS ONCE BEFORE
WHEN I WAS A ROOKIE.

"APPARENTLY,
THIS NIGGER BROKE IN

"AND HUNG UP PICTURES
OF HIS FAMILY EVERYWHERE.

"WELL, LET'S SPRINKLE
SOME CRACK ON HIM

AND GET OUTTA HERE !"

AH, YOU KNOW, THAT'S
THE WHOLE BRUTALITY THING.

SEE, THAT'S
COMMON KNOWLEDGE NOW.

THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN ONLY MINORITIES

REALLY KNEW ABOUT THAT.

I'M NOT GONNA SAY WHITE
PEOPLE DIDN'T BELIEVE US,

BUT, YOU WERE
A LITTLE SKEPTICAL.

AND, I MEAN,
I DON'T BLAME YOU,

AND THEN NEWSWEEK PRINTED IT
AND YOU KNEW IT WAS TRUE.

IN NEWSWEEK, WHITE PEOPLE
WERE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

"HONEY,
DID YOU SEE THIS ?

"APPARENTLY THE POLICE
HAVE BEEN BEATING UP NEGROES

"LIKE HOTCAKES !

IT'S IN
THE MAY ISSUE."

I MEAN, REALLY,
HOW COULD YOU KNOW, THOUGH ?

HOW COULD ANYONE
ELSE KNOW ?

I MEAN, MAYBE
YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN SOMETHING

A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS.

DIDN'T YOU THINK IT WAS
LIKE A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS,

JUST A LITTLE
SUSPICIOUS ?

EVERY DEAD BLACK PERSON
THE POLICE FIND

HAS CRACK SPRINKLED
ALL OVER THEM ?

C'MON, MAN.

WHO GETS SHOT AND SPRINKLES
CRACK ON THEMSELVES ?

NOBODY WOULD DO THAT.

BAM !

"OH, OH... "

( laughter and applause )

"I DON'T WANNA
LEAVE NO MYSTERIES."

I'M A PARANOID GUY,
YOU KNOW, SO,

I'D BE SCARED TO CALL
911 FOR ANYTHING.

EVEN IF IT'S LIKE
A FIRE OR ANYTHING.

'CAUSE THEY TAPE
THOSE PHONE CALLS.

I SEE THE SHOWS,
THEY TAPE 'EM,

AND THEN THEY
PLAY 'EM ON TELEVISION.

THAT'S FUCKED UP.

NOW, I'LL SAY ANYTHING
IF I'M SCARED,

THAT SHIT IS PRIVATE,
YOU KNOW ?

WHAT IF I GET KILLED ?

THEY START PLAYING
THAT 911 TAPE ON THE NEWS,

I'M DEAD, I CAN'T EXPLAIN
MYSELF TO MY BUDDIES AND SHIT.

THEY'D BE
WATCHING THE NEWS,

"WE HAVE REG CHAPMAN
ON THE SCENE, REG ?

WHAT'S GOING ON
OUT THERE ?"

IT'S ALWAYS TAKES THE GUY
ON THE SCENE A MINUTE.

"HI, BOB !

"HI, YES, WE JUST GOT
HOLD OF A COPY

"OF DAVE CHAPPELLE'S
FRANTIC,

911 EMERGENCY CALL.

"REMEMBER VIEWERS, SOME
OF THIS LANGUAGE IS DISTURBING."

"HELLO,
EMERGENCY."

"HELP !

HELP, MOTHERFUCKER,
THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME !"

"JUST CALM DOWN, SIR,
WHERE ARE YOU ?"

"OH, OH,
I SHIT ON MYSELF !

I CAN'T
STOP CRYING."

THEY'LL PLAY THAT SHIT
30, 40 TIMES A DAY.

ALL MY BUDDIES
WILL BE AT MY FUNERAL,

LOOKING AT ME.

"YOU KNOW DAVE SHIT ON HIMSELF
RIGHT AFTER THE BULLET ?

"I SAW IT
ON THE NEWS.

DIED CRYING
LIKE A BITCH."

I'LL BE DEAD,
I CAN'T DEFEND MYSELF.

THAT'S NOT A NICE
THING TO DO,

THAT'S NOT
A NICE THING TO DO.

I MEAN,
IT'S A 911 TAPE.

HOW DO THEY
EXPECT YOU TO SOUND ?

OF COURSE,
YOU'RE GONNA BE SCARED.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

NOBODY CALLS 911
COOL AND RELAXED.

NOW, THAT SHIT WOULD
SOUND RIDICULOUS.

"HELLO, EMERGENCY."

"HI !

HEY, 911,
HOW ARE YA ?

"YEAH, AH, LOOK,

"THERE'S A GROUP
OF HOODED WHITE MEN

"GATHERING
OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE
THEY MEAN BUSINESS."

"GET OUT HERE,
NIGGER !"

"I GOTTA GO."

( applause )

"YOU GUYS
TRY AND HURRY."

IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

THAT'S MY PROBLEM,
I CAN'T HANDLE PRESSURE.

SOMETIMES PRESSURE
MAKES ME TALK DIFFERENT.

I'M SERIOUS.

YOU EVER HAVE THAT
SOCIAL PRESSURE,

YOU EVER TALK
TO SOMEBODY WHO'S FAKE,

AND THEY MAKE YOU FAKE ?

THEY COMING TO YOU LIKE,
"HEY, HOW YOU DOING ?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"FINE, HOW ARE YOU ?"

AND YOU'RE LIKE...

I DON'T EVEN
TALK LIKE THAT.

I GET SICK
OF THAT SHIT.

I DO, IT MAKES ME SICK.

SOMETIMES,
I'LL TALK CRAZY

JUST TO MAKE MYSELF
FEEL BETTER,

Y'ALL DO THAT ?

YOU START
TALKING LIKE CRAZY.

YOU EVER HEAR
THIS VOICE ?

( Cagney voice )
"YEAH...

THAT'S HOW BAD GUYS
USED TO TALK IN THE 40s.

IN THE OLD DAYS.

SEE,
I TALK LIKE THAT.

NOT ALL THE TIME, BUT,

IF SOMEBODY PUT
THE PRESSURE ON ME,

FUCK IT,
I GOTTA CUT LOOSE.

WHEN THE POLICE PULL ME OVER,
I'LL TALK CRAZY.

"SON, SON,

DO YOU KNOW WHY
WE PULLED YOU OVER ?"

( Cagney voice )
"YEAH, 'CAUSE I'M BLACK,
SEE, YEEAAAHHH !"

( applause )

I'LL DO IT,

IT'S NOT ILLEGAL
TO TALK LIKE THAT.

HOW DO THEY KNOW I DON'T
TALK LIKE THAT EVERY DAY ?

"STOP TALKING
LIKE THAT !"

"STOP TALKING LIKE
WHAT, 'COPPER ?!

"HA, THAT'S
HOW I TALK, SEE ?!"

YOU GOTTA MAKE LIFE
INTERESTING LIKE THAT,

'CAUSE THIS SHIT
IS FLIMSY.

LIFE IS FLIMSY.

YOU THINK YOU'RE
GONNA LIVE FOREVER,

BUT YOU'RE NOT
GONNA LIVE FOREVER.

IT'S DANGEROUS OUT HERE,
WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

I TRAVEL, NOW,
YOU KNOW.

I USED TO THINK D.C.
HAD THE ROUGHEST GHETTOS

IN THE COUNTRY.

NO, NIGGER, UH-UH.

I HAVE SEEN
SOME SHIT NOW.

OH, THERE'S SOME ROUGH,
ROUGH AREAS

OUTSIDE OF D.C.

EVERYBODY SHOULD
GO TO THE GHETTO.

I WAS TAKEN
TO THE GHETTO ONE TIME,

AND THAT'S THE WORST.

WHEN YOU GET TAKEN AND
YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING TO GO.

USUALLY, YOU WANNA KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE GOING TO THE GHETTO,

LIKE, I'M GONNA
SEE SOME WILD SHIT,

I GOTTA
PREPARE MYSELF.

I'M GONNA SEE
SOMETHING CRAZY.

WHEN YOU'RE TAKEN,
IT'S DIFFERENT.

I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER,
IT WAS AFTER A SHOW,

IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT,

IT WAS LIKE
THREE IN THE MORNING,

I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER,

HE WAS A NICE GUY,
TALKING TO ME AND SHIT.

"OH, HEY, WHERE
YOU FROM, DOG ?

"D.C., WORD ?

THAT'S A ROUGH
CITY, MAN."

AND THE CELL PHONE
STARTED RINGING,

"HOLD ON, ONE SECOND.

"HELLO ?

"OH, WHAT'S UP,
NIGGER, WHAT ?

"SLOW DOWN,
WHAT THE FUCK ?

"NO, NO... !

NO, FUCK THAT, NIGGER,
FUCK IT, I'M ON MY WAY !"

( wild applause )

"HEY...

"I GOTTA MAKE
A STOP REAL QUICK."

AT 3:00
IN THE MORNING,

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS TAKING ME
TO THE GHETTO AT FIRST.

I STARTED LOOKING
OUT THE WINDOW,

I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT THE FUCK ?"

"GUN STORE, GUN STORE,
LIQUOR STORE, GUN STORE...

"WHERE THE FUCK
YOU TAKING ME ?!

THIS DON'T LOOK GOOD."

HE DIDN'T SAY SHIT.

HE JUST PULLED UP IN FRONT
OF AN OLD, RICKETY BUILDING

THAT LOOKED
LIKE A PROJECT.

NOW, I'D NEVER
BEEN THERE BEFORE,

I'M NOT SURE IF IT
WAS A PROJECT, BUT,

IT CERTAINLY HAD
ALL THE FAMILIAR SYMPTOMS

OF A PROJECT.

A FUCKIN' CRACK-HEAD
RAN THIS WAY...

( laughter )

AND THEN ANOTHER ONE
JUMPED OUT OF A TREE AND SHIT.

THE DRIVER SAID,
"I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

AND LEFT ME,

TOOK THE KEYS WITH HIM
AND JUST LEFT ME.

AT 3:00
IN THE MORNING,

IN FRONT OF A PROJECT
IN A FUCKIN' LIMOUSINE !

THIS WAS NOT GOOD.

I WAS LIKE, "MAN,
I GOTTA LOOK AROUND

"AND SEE IF I CAN SEE
SOME LANDMARKS

"AND FIGURE OUT
WHERE I'M AT.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO
ESCAPE ON FOOT."

NOW, THIS IS WHEN I KNEW
I WAS IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU ONLY SEE THIS
IN THE WORST NEIGHBORHOODS.

REMEMBER, IT'S 3:00
IN THE MORNING.

I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,

THERE WAS A FUCKIN' BABY
STANDIN' ON THE CORNER !

THERE WAS !

AND THE BABY DIDN'T
EVEN LOOK SCARED,

HE WAS JUST
STANDING THERE.

I MEAN, IT MADE ME SAD,
IT MADE ME SAD, IT REALLY DID.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE
I WANTED TO HELP THE BABY.

"HMM, I DON'T TRUST
YOU EITHER, SORRY !"

THE OLD
BABY-ON-THE-CORNER
TRICK, EH ?

I'M NOT GONNA FALL
FOR THAT SHIT.

WHERE'S THIS
LIMOUSINE DRIVER ?

YOU KNOW,
I START FEELING BAD.

AS TIME GOES BY,
I START FEELING WORSE.

MAN, WHAT IS
WRONG WITH ME ?

I'M SCARED
OF A BABY.

AND THIS BABY
COULD BE IN TROUBLE,

HE MIGHT NEED
MY HELP.

I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

BUT, I WASN'T GONNA
GET OUT OF THE CAR.

I'M SERIOUS, MAN,

I JUST CRACKED
THE WINDOW A LITTLE BIT.

IT WAS AN OLD LIMOUSINE,
I CAN ROLL IT DOWN.

"HEY, BABY !

"BABY, GO HOME, MAN.

"IT'S 3:00
IN THE MORNING.

WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOING UP ?!"

THE BABY SAID,
"I'M SELLING WEED, NIGGER !"

I SAID, "OH, SHIT !"

( loud applause and laughter )

I WASN'T
EXPECTING THAT !

I'M SERIOUS, I HAD TO BUY
TWO BAGS FROM HIM

TO CALM MY NERVES.

I GOT BACK IN THE CAR
AND ROLLED ME A JOINT, MAN.

THAT SHIT WAS
SCARY, MAN,

AND EVERY
ONCE IN A WHILE,

A CRACK-HEAD WOULD
COME UP TO THE CAR

AND LOOK
IN THE WINDOW.

IT WAS LIKE
"JURASSIC PARK" AND SHIT,

HE'D BE LOOKING
IN THE CAR...

I SAID,
"GET OUTTA HERE, CRACKIE !"

THAT BABY WAS STILL
STANDING THERE, MAN.

THEN I STARTED
FEELING BAD AGAIN.

YOU KNOW HOW WEED MAKE
YOU FEEL GUILTY SOMETIMES ?

"MAN, WHAT IS
WRONG WITH ME ?

MAN, I HAVE JUST BOUGHT
WEED FROM AN INFANT."

I CAN'T CONDONE
THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR.

WHAT AM I THINKING ?

I CAN'T LET THE FEAR
RUIN MY MORALS.

GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

"HEY, BABY, STOP
SELLING WEED, ALRIGHT ?

YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE
LIFE AHEAD OF YOU."

HE SAID, "FUCK YOU, NIGGER,
I GOT KIDS TO FEED !"

I WAS LIKE,
"GOD-DAMN !"

SAD !

AND, JUST AT
THAT VERY MOMENT,

A CRACK-HEAD
WAS RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET

AND GOT HIT
BY A CAR.

NOW, I KNOW
IT WAS A HIT-AND-RUN.

THE POLICE DID IT.

THAT'S ALRIGHT,

THEY SPRINKLED SOME CRACK
ON HIM AND HE GOT BACK UP !

( applause )

YOU KNOW, I'D BE SEEIN'
THAT KINDA SHIT, MAN.

THEY USE THE TV
TO PROGRAM US,

FROM A YOUNG AGE.

YOU EVER WATCH
LIKE, A CARTOON,

THAT YOU USED TO WATCH
WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE,

AS AN ADULT ?

THAT SHIT IS
SOME WILD SHIT.

I MEAN, LIKE,
I WAS WITH MY NEPHEW,

WE WERE SITTING THERE,
WE WERE WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU,

I SAID, "NOW,
PAY ATTENTION TO THIS GUY

"'CAUSE HE'S FUNNY.

I USED TO WATCH HIM
WHEN I WAS LITTLE."

AND I'M WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU,
BUT, I'M OLD NOW.

I'M LOOKIN' AT HIM LIKE,
"GOOD, GOD !

WHAT KIND OF FUCKIN'
RAPIST IS THIS GUY ?!"

LIKE,
"TAKE IT EASY, PEPE !!"

MY NEPHEW WAS SITTING THERE,
CRACKING UP.

( laughter )

"SEE, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA
TAKE THE PUSSY, LIKE PEPE !"

I'M LIKE,
"NO, NO, NO,

NO !"

I HAD TO TURN THE CHANNEL
REAL QUICK.

I TURNED ON
"SESAME STREET".

I SAID, "WHEW !
SESAME STREET.

"THIS IS MUCH BETTER

'CAUSE NOW HE'LL LEARN
HOW TO COUNT AND SPELL."

BUT, NOW I'M WATCHING IT,
AS AN ADULT,

AND I REALIZED "SESAME STREET"
TEACHES KIDS OTHER THINGS.

IT TEACHES KIDS
HOW TO JUDGE PEOPLE,

AND LABEL PEOPLE,
THAT'S RIGHT.

THEY GOT A CHARACTER
ON THERE NAMED, OSCAR.

THEY TREAT
THIS GUY LIKE SHIT,

THE ENTIRE SHOW.

THEY JUDGE HIM
RIGHT IN HIS FACE.

"OSCAR,
YOU ARE SO MEAN.

ISN'T HE KIDS ?"

"YEAH, OSCAR,
YOU'RE A GROUCH !"

HE'S LIKE, "BITCH, I LIVE
IN A FUCKIN' TRASH CAN !

"I'M THE POOREST MOTHERFUCKER
ON "SESAME STREET" !

NOBODY'S HELPING ME."

THEN YOU WONDER WHY
YOUR KIDS ROLL UP

AND STEP OVER
HOMELESS PEOPLE.

"GET IT TOGETHER,
GROUCH."

"GET A JOB, GROUCH."

SO, DON'T EVEN TELL ME
HOW TO GET TO "SESAME STREET",

THAT IS
A TERRIBLE PLACE.

I WOULDN'T GO THERE
IF I KNEW THE WAY.

WHO WOULD WANNA LIVE
IN A NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE THAT ?

FUCKIN' SIX FOOT
PIGEONS WALKING AROUND,

AND AN ELEPHANT
THAT'S A JUNKIE.

"HI, BIRD."

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,
SNUFFY !

"HI, BIRD, I'M SICK,
I NEED SOME SMACK, BIRD !"

THE COOKIE MONSTER,

WITH HIS EYES
POPPING OUT OF HIS HEAD,

SCREAMIN', "COOKIE,
COOKIE, COOKIE !"

WHAT KIND OF COOKIES
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?!

CHOCOLATE CHIPS
DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE.

AND THEY HAVE THE NERVE
TO PUT A PIMP ON THERE.

THEY DIDN'T COME OUT
AND SAY, HE'S A PIMP.

BUT, I KNOW A PIMP
WHEN I SEE ONE.

THEY CALLED HIM,
"THE COUNT".

HE HAS A CAPE
AND EVERYTHING.

YOU CAN JUST
SEE HIM PIMPIN'.

"BITCH,
WHERE IS MY MONEY ?

"YOU'VE BEEN
LATE FOUR TIMES,

"I'VE BEEN COUNTING.

"HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SMACK YOU
BEFORE YOU ACT RIGHT ?

"ONE, TWO !

TWO SMACKS... !"

( wild applause and laughter )

THAT'S THE THING, THERE'S
SO MUCH STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT.

YOU KNOW,
THE MORE YOU KNOW,

THE MORE YOU DON'T KNOW,
AND SHIT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE A LOT
OF PEOPLE BE TELLING ME,

"DAVE, YOU KNO
YOU JUST GOTTA RELAX,

THE RACISM THING IS
BUGGIN' YOU TOO MUCH."

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT,
SOMETIMES, SHIT'LL HAPPEN.

YOU KNOW A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE
CAN RELATE TO THIS.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD
SOMETHING HAPPEN

THAT WAS SO RACIST,

THAT YOU DIDN'T
EVEN GET MAD ?

YOU WERE JUST LIKE,
"GODAMN, THAT WAS RACIST !"

I MEAN, IT WAS SO BLATANT,
YOU WERE JUST LIKE, "WOW !"

LIKE IT DIDN'T EVEN
HAPPEN TO YOU,

IT WAS LIKE
A FUCKING MOVIE.

LIKE YOU WAS WATCHING
"MISSISSIPPI BURNING",

"WOW, THAT HAPPENED TO ME,
I WAS IN MISSISSIPPI."

I WAS IN MISSISSIPPI,
DOIN' A SHOW,

AND I GO TO A RESTAURANT
TO ORDER SOME FOOD,

AND, I SAY TO THE GUY,
"I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE... "

AND BEFORE I EVEN FINISH
MY SENTENCE, HE SAYS,

"THE CHICKEN !"

I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT THE FUCK ?!"

I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

COULD NOT
BELIEVE THAT SHIT.

THIS MAN WAS
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I SAID,
"HOW DID HE KNOW,

THAT I WAS GONNA
GET SOME CHICKEN ?"

I ASKED HIM, I SAID,
"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT ?

HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA
GET SOME CHICKEN ?"

HE LOOKED AT ME
LIKE I WAS CRAZY.

"COME ON BUDDY,
COME ON BUDDY.

"NOW, EVERYBODY KNEW,
AS SOON AS YOU WALKED THROUGH

"THE GODDAMNED DOOR,

"YOU WERE GONNA
GET SOME CHICKEN.

"IT IS NO SECRET
DOWN HERE

"THAT BLACKS
AND CHICKENS

ARE QUITE FOND
OF ONE ANOTHER."

THEN I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD
WHAT HE WAS SAYING,

AND I GOT UPSET.

I WASN'T EVEN MAD,
I WAS JUST UPSET.

I WASN'T READY
TO HEAR THAT SHIT.

ALL THESE YEARS,
I THOUGHT I LIKED CHICKEN

'CAUSE IT WAS DELICIOUS.

TURNS OUT I'M GENETICALLY
PREDISPOSED TO LIKING CHICKEN !

BECAUSE I'M BLACK.

I GOT NO SAY
IN THE MATTER.

THAT GUY RUINED
CHICKEN FOR ME.

NOW I'M SCARED
TO EAT IT IN PUBLIC.

I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY
TO SEE ME AND SAY...

YOU KNOW, YOU'D BE
EATING SOME CHICKEN...

"LOOK AT HIM.

"HE LOVES IT !

"JUST LIKE IT SAID
IN THE ENCYCLOPEDIA.

LOOK HOW HAPPY
HE LOOKS."

SOMETIMES, THIS WORLD
IS TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH.

LIKE, SHOW BUSINESS
BE CRAZY.

THAT'S WHERE THE CULTURES
REALLY COLLIDE.

SHOW BUSINESS BRINGS
A LOT OF RACES TOGETHER.

SOMETIMES IT WORKS,
SOMETIMES IT DON'T.

THIS IS ONE THING
THAT HAPPENS THAT'S FUNNY.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES,
I'LL BE ON A BUSINESS CALL,

LIKE WITH A LAWYER
OR SOMETHING,

AND, YOU KNOW,
MY LAWYERS BE WHITE, AND...

WE'LL BE ON
A CALL, RIGHT ?

AND,
THEY'LL BE LIKE,

"OH, OKAY, DAVE,
WE'RE GONNA CLOSE THE DEAL,

IS THAT FINE WITH YOU ?"

I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH,
THAT'S COOL FOR ME."

"GREAT, GREAT, YOU HAVE
A GOOD WEEKEND, DAVE."

I'D BE LIKE, "ALRIGHT,
YOU TOO, MAN, PEACE."

"WELL, ALRIGHT,
BYE-BYE."

( laughter )

THEY DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY, RIGHT ?

SO, SOMETIMES,
I'LL MAKE UP SHIT

THAT'S NOT EVEN SLANG,

JUST TO SEE HOW
THEY HANDLE IT AND SHIT.

THE SAME BUSINESS CALL,

"ALRIGHT, WE'RE GONNA
CLOSE THE DEAL,

IS THAT FINE
WITH YOU, DAVE ?"

"YEAH, IT SOUNDS
GOOD TO ME."

"GREAT, YOU HAVE
A GOOD WEEKEND, DAVE."

"ALRIGHT, BUDDY,
ZIP IT UP,

AND ZIP IT OUT !"

"UHH...

ALRIGHT,
ZIPPITY-DO-DAH,
BYE-BYE !"

SOMETIMES RACISM WORKS OUT
IN BLACK PEOPLE'S FAVOR.

YEAH, IT DOESN'T
HAPPEN OFTEN.

IT HAPPENS VERY RARELY.

BUT, WHEN IT HAPPENS,
IT IS FUCKIN' SWEET.

I'M SERIOUS.

THIS ONE TIME, RACISM
SAVED MY LIFE, MAN.

I WAS ON A PLANE...

I WAS COMING
FROM OVERSEAS, AND,

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS GUY GOT
A MACHINE GUN ON THE PLANE,

BUT, HE STOOD UP MAN,
HE SAID,

( Pakistani accent )
"EVERYBODY,

"GET ON
THE FUCKING GROUND !

NOBODY LOOK
AT MY FACE !"

I STARTED
FREAKING OUT.

'CAUSE HE WAS CHINESE,

I WAS LIKE, WHY IS
HE TALKING LIKE THAT ?

HE WAS SCREAMING
AND CRYING.

I WAS THE ONLY
BROTHER ON THE PLANE.

WELL, I THOUGHT
I WAS THE ONLY BROTHER.

I LOOKED OVER,
THERE WAS ONE OTHER BLACK DUDE.

HE WAS FROM
NIGERIA.

I LOOKED OVER AND HE WAS LOOKIN'
RIGHT AT MY FACE, MAN.

HE DIDN'T SAY
TWO WORDS TO ME,

HE JUST LOOKED AT ME,
HE WAS LIKE...

HE DIDN'T NEED TO TALK,
I KNEW JUST WHAT
HE WAS TALKING ABOUT,

I LOOKED RIGHT BACK AT HIM.

SOME WHITE DUDES ON THE
FRONT OF THE PLANE SEEN US,

THEY WERE LIKE,
"HUH, OH, MY GOD !

( whispering )
I THINK THOSE BLACK GUYS
ARE GONNA TRY TO SAVE US."

"MM-MMM !"

( applause )

WE WERE JUST
COMMUNICATIN'

THAT WE UNDERSTOOD
THE SITUATION.

WE WERE BOTH SEEING
THE SAME THING.

WHAT WE UNDERSTOOD
WAS SIMPLE.

TERRORISTS DON'T
TAKE BLACK HOSTAGES.

THAT'S THE TRUTH.

I HAVE YET TO SEE
ONE OF US ON THE NEWS

READING THE
HOSTAGE LETTER.

"THEY IS TREATING US GOOD.

"UH, WE ALL
CHILLIN' AND SHIT.

"I'D LIKE TO GIVE
A SHOUT-OUT

TO RAY-RAY
AND BIG STEVE... "

( wild applause )

YOU'RE NOT
GONNA SEE IT.

TERRORISTS ARE SMART.

THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE
DOING THERE, YOU KNOW ?

THEY'RE TERRORISTS.

THEY KNOW BLACK PEOPLES
ARE BAD BARGAINING CHIPS.

THEY CALLED
THE WHITE HOUSE,

"HELLO, WE HAVE
GOT FIVE BLACK...

HELLO ?!"

BACK IN D.C.,

YOU KNOW WHAT
I WAS THINKING ?

THIS IS AN
ELECTION YEAR,

I'M ASKING YOU,
YOU'RE A WHITE GUY,

DO YOU KNOW WHO
YOU'RE VOTING FOR YET ?

DON'T KNOW,
DO YOU ?

NOW, YOU SEE THAT ?

YOU SEE WHAT JUST
HAPPENED HERE ?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
THAT IS CULTURAL THING.

HE KNOWS WHO
HE'S GONNA VOTE FOR,

HE'S JUST NOT
GONNA TELL ME.

SEE...

I'VE NOTICED THAT,
THAT IS A CULTURAL THING.

WHITE PEOPLE
DO NOT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT

THEIR POLITICAL
AFFILIATIONS.

IT'S A SECRET.

DID YOU EVER ASK A WHITE GUY
WHO HE'S VOTING FOR ?

"HEY, BOB, WHO ARE YOU
GONNA VOTE FOR ?"

"DAVE, DAVE,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

"TAKE IT EASY NOW,
TAKE IT EASY.

"SO, ANYWAY, I WAS FUCKING
MY WIFE IN HER ASS, RIGHT ?

AND, I MEAN,
IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE."

"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
BUT, WHO ARE YOU VOTING FOR ?"

"DAVE, DAVE, COME ON
WITH THE VOTING.

"I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT
FUCKING MY WIFE HERE,

AND YOU'RE ASKING ME
ALL THESE PERSONAL QUESTIONS."

THEY DON'T LIKE
TO DIVULGE THAT INFORMATION

'CAUSE IT MATTERS
TO THEM.

BLACK PEOPLE
TALK ABOUT THAT SHIT.

BLACK PEOPLE WILL
OPENLY TALK ABOUT POLITICS.

BLACK PEOPLE
WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT

BEATING UP
POLITICIANS AND SHIT.

"IF I SEE GEORGE BUSH,
I'LL KICK HIS MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS

FOR CUTTING
MY MEDICAID !"

WELL, WE JUST SAY IT.

BUT, THERE'S
A REASON FOR THAT,

'CAUSE IT MATTERS MORE,
IT MATTERS MORE.

SEE, EVEN WHEN
I VOTE, RIGHT ?

WHICH I DON'T, BUT...

BUT, EVEN WHEN I THINK ABOUT
WHO I WOULD VOTE FOR,

RIGHT ?

I DON'T EVEN LOOK AT
THEIR POLITICAL POLICIES.

I JUST LOOK
AT THEIR CHARACTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING NOW ?

NO, I'M SERIOUS, YOU GOTTA
READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

YOU LOOK AT CLINTON,
AND BLACK PEOPLE LIKE CLINTON.

I SAW ONE THING
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL,

HE ACTUALLY JUST
PICKED A BLACK BABY UP...

"COME HERE,
YOU LITTLE NIGGER BABY."

AND JUST KISSED HIM.

I SAID, "UM-HMM,
I LIKE THAT."

HE DID NOT HESITATE
OR NOTHING.

YOU SEE GEORGE BUSH,
HE'D BE LIKE, "EWWW !"

LIKE, SEE, I'D NEVER
VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH Jr.,

BUT I DON'T KNOW
GEORGE BUSH Jr.'s POLITICS.

THE ONLY THING I KNOW ABOUT
GEORGE BUSH Jr. IS,

THAT GUY SNIFFED COCAINE,
THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, LISTEN,

WE CANNOT HAVE THAT SHIT
IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

THAT MIGHT BE FINE
FOR A MAYOR,

BUT, GODAMMIT,
NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE !

NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

( laughter )

YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING ?

THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH
IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

CAN'T HANDLE NO COKE-HEAD
PRESIDENT, UH-UH.

HE'D BE SELLING
NUCLEAR SECRETS

FOR $20, $30 AND SHIT.

HE'D BE IN MEETINGS
EMBARRASSING AMERICA.

"C'MON, SIGN
THE TREATY, BABY.

I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK !"

"MR. PRESIDENT !

"MR. PRESIDENT,

"THAT IS NOT HOW
WE DO BUSINESS HERE, SIR.

STOP SUCKING
THE AMBASSADOR'S DICK."

"NO, LET HIM FINISH.

"I WILL
SIGN THE TREATY.

THERE BE PEACE
IN ISRAEL, FINALLY."

I'D VOTE FOR CLINTON
AGAIN, IF I COULD.

NOW AGAIN, I'M NOT
LOOKING AT HIS POLITICS.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HIS POLITICS ARE.

I'M JUST LOOKING
AT HIS BEHAVIOR.

I UNDERSTAND
THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR.

I KNOW A LOT OF DUDES
WITH THEM SHORTCOMINGS.

WEED-SMOKING FORNICATORS,
THERE'S A LOT OF THEM.

I MEAN, COME ON,
NOW, LET'S BE HONEST,

LET'S BE HONEST.

BILL CLINTON WAS
NOT THE FIRST PRESIDENT

TO DO WHAT HE DID.

NOW...

LET'S THINK
BACK FOR A MINUTE.

REMEMBER A GUY
NAMED KENNEDY ?

JOHN F. KENNEDY ?
REMEMBER HIM ?

HE FUCKED
MARILYN MONROE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

HIM AND HIS BROTHER, BOBBY,
FUCKED MARILYN MONROE !

AND HISTORY DOESN'T
TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH.

YOU KNOW WHY HISTORY DOESN'T
TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH ?

BECAUSE THOSE TWO PAGES
IN HISTORY ARE STUCK TOGETHER !

THEY WAS
GETTIN' IT ON.

THEY WERE
GETTIN' IT ON.

I SEEN THE TAPES,
REMEMBER THE TAPES ?

SHE'D BE SINGING
ALL NASTY AT HIS PARTY,

STRESSIN'
HIM ALL OUT...

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ MR. PRESIDENT... ♪

"BITCH,
MY FAMILY'S HERE !"

CLINTON DID
THE SAME THING.

BUT, HE DIDN'T
DO IT LIKE THAT

BECAUSE,
IT'S THE YEAR 2000,

HE'S BUSIER
THAN KENNEDY WAS.

HE'S A BUSY MAN.

CLINTON DID
THAT KIND OF THING

THE WAY
BUSY MEN DO IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT
BUSY MEN DO ?

THEY FUCK
WHO'S CLOSE TO THEM.

I CAN TELL THAT'S
WHAT CLINTON WAS UP TO.

IT LOOKED LIKE
HE JUST STUCK HIS HEAD

OUT THE OFFICE DOOR
AND SAID, "AHH, HELP !

"YOU, YOU,
COME HERE, COME HERE !"

( wild laughter )

"I NEED MY PENIS SUCKED
BEFORE MY 3:30, C'MON !

OH, BOY."

HE WAS PROBABLY LOOKING
AT KENNEDY'S PICTURE AND SHIT...

AND THEN,
TO TOP IT OFF,

HE LIED, WHICH I THOUGHT,
I THOUGHT THAT WAS SPECIAL.

I DID MAN,
I KNOW HOW HE DID IT.

I'VE BEEN ACCUSED
OF HAVING SEX

WITH A GIRL
I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH BEFORE,

AND LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING,

THAT SHIT
IS INFURIATING.

YOU EVER GO THROUGH THAT ?
IT'LL MAKE YOU CRAZY.

YOU'LL BE SCREAMING
AT YOUR BEST FRIENDS,

"I DIDN'T TOUCH THAT BITCH,
NIGGER, I'LL KILL YOU !

"FUCK YOU, NIGGER,
I'LL KILL YOU !

"PLEASE BELIEVE ME !

PLEASE
BELIEVE ME !"

CLINTON DIDN'T DO IT
LIKE THAT, DID HE ?

CLINTON CAME OUT
OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE,

ALL RELAXED,
SHOULDERS ALL RELAXED,

IN ALL THIS TROUBLE.

LOOKED LIKE HE JUST GOT DONE
FUCKING OR SOMETHING.

"LISTEN, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, AMERICA.

"I DON'T THINK YOU
HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME.

"I DID NOT HAVE
SEXUAL RELATIONS

"WITH THAT WOMAN...

MISS LEWINSKY."

YOU KNOW
HE DID IT !

YOU KNOW HE DID IT !

EVERYBODY KNOW WHAT
THAT FINGER SMELLED LIKE.

NOBODY CARES,
NOBODY CARES.

WE ALL WATCH.

WE WAS DISGUSTED, BUT,
WE KEPT WATCHING THE NEWS.

I KNOW I DID,
I WAS TAPING IT.

I WAS IN THE CRIB,
I WAS LIKE,

"BABY, TURN
THE LIGHTS OFF,

THE NEWS
IS COMING ON."

EVERY WEEK
ON "60 MINUTES",

IT WAS A DIFFERENT GIRL
ACCUSING CLINTON.

REMEMBER WHEN
KATHLEEN WILLEY CAME OUT ?

SHE WAS UPSET,
"THE PRESIDENT

"CALLED ME
INTO HIS OFFICE.

"HE BEGAN...

"MASSAGING MY BREASTS
SLOWLY...

"I'M SORRY.

"AND THEN
HE PLACED MY HAND,

ON HIS GENITALS."

ED BRADLEY WAS SHOCKED,
"OHHH !"

"WAS HE AROUSED ?"

I WAS AT HOME, LIKE,
"YEAH, WAS HE AROUSED ?"

AND THEN ED BRADLEY
LOOKED RIGHT IN THE CAMERA,

HE SAID,
"DON'T BUST THAT NUT YET,
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

OH, MAN, THE NEWS
HAD NEVER BEEN SO GOOD.

BUT, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS,
THERE WERE NO VICTIMS.

THE ONLY ONE
I FEEL SORRY FOR IS LEWINSKY,

I FEEL A LITTLE
SORRY FOR HER.

DON'T Y'ALL FEEL A LITTLE
SORRY FOR HER AT ALL ?

( audience )
NO !!

GODAMN,
Y'ALL COME ON NOW.

HAVE A HEART,

THAT'S A HARD THING
TO BE FAMOUS FOR, MAN.

NOBODY WANTS TO BE
THE MOST FAMOUS COCKSUCKER

OF ALL TIMES
AND SHIT !

I FEEL BAD FOR HER.

NOT EVEN THE WOMEN
FEEL SORRY FOR HER, LADIES ?

( women )
NO !

NOW THAT'S JEALOUSY.

THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.

I MEAN, C'MON,
THAT'S ONE DICK

THAT GIRL SUCKED
THAT'S GONNA HAUNT HER

FOR THE REST
OF HER LIFE.

LONG AFTER SHE SPENT
THAT MONEY UP,

THAT'S STILL
GONNA HAUNT HER.

I KNOW THERE'S
A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE

WITH AT LEAST
ONE DICK THEY REGRET.

AND I BETCHA
IT WASN'T THE PRESIDENT'S DICK.

I BETCHA HE WORKED
AT KINNEY SHOES

OR SAFEWAY
OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT !

DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER,
DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER.

SEE, WE GOTTA
STOP JUDGIN' PEOPLE.

THAT GIRL WAS YOUNG,
AND SHE MADE A MISTAKE

THAT YOUNG GIRLS MAKE.

SHE WANTED TO FUCK
A POWERFUL MAN, PERIOD,

THAT'S AS FAR
AS SHE THOUGHT THROUGH.

SHE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT
HOW POWERFUL THE PRESIDENT WAS.

SHE HAD NO WISDOM.

AN OLDER WOMAN
WOULD'VE HELPED EVERYBODY.

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD
HAVE BEEN IN THERE,

"YOU KNOW,
YOU SHOULD LOWER TAXES."

( slurping noises )

AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE
SUCKED US INTO UTOPIA !

THE LAST THING I'M GONNA
SAY ABOUT IT IS THIS,

THAT HE IS
A FAMOUS MAN.

I HAVE DREAMT
OF BEING FAMOUS, BUT,

I NEVER DREAMT
OF BEING THAT FAMOUS.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD
HOW FAMOUS A PRESIDENT WAS,

BUT, IMAGINE IF SOMEBODY
COULD SUCK YOUR DICK

AND THEN THEY'RE FAMOUS !

YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING ?

THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT'S CRAZY.

I MEAN, NO GUY
EVER THOUGHT OF THAT.

THERE'S NOBODY
WITH A PICK-UP LINE

THAT GOOD AND SHIT.

"HEY, SUCK MY DICK,
THERE'S A FUTURE IN IT."

"WHAT ?"

"OH, THAT'S IT,

"NOW GET OUT THERE
AND BE SOMEBODY !

"GO WRITE A BOOK.

YOU'RE A QUALIFIED AUTHOR NOW,
GO WRITE A BOOK."

I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS,
I SHOULD BE THE PRESIDENT,

SHIT, I'M IN
THE WRONG BUSINESS.

SEE, THE ONLY REASON
I DON'T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT

IS 'CAUSE I'M BLACK.

THAT WOULD MAKE IT
TOO HOT FOR ME.

I MEAN THERE COULD BE
A BLACK PRESIDENT ONE DAY,

BUT, YOU DON'T WANT
TO BE THE FIRST ONE.

I MEAN, THE SECOND
OR THIRD, THAT'S FINE,

BUT, THAT FIRST NIGGER
BETTER WATCH OUT.

I'M GONNA TELL
YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

TOO HOT.

I MEAN, I'D BE
THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT,

I DON'T THINK THAT NOBODY
WOULD REALLY, REALLY HURT ME.

I'M SURE SOMEBODY
WOULD WANNA HURT ME, BUT,

I DON'T THINK
THEY'D TOUCH ME...

'CAUSE MY VICE PRESIDENT
WOULD BE MEXICAN

FOR A LITTLE
INSURANCE.

KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING ?

YOU CAN SHOOT ME
IF YOU WANT,

BUT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA
OPEN THE BORDER UP, SO,

YOU MIGHT
AS WELL LEAVE ME

AND VICE PRESIDENT SANTIAGO
TO OUR OWN DEVICES.

"AIN'T THAT RIGHT,
SANTIAGO ?"

"Sí, Sí !

ELIAN CAN STAY !"

DON'T WORRY,
DON'T WORRY,

I DON'T GOT
NO ELIAN JOKES.

ALL I'LL SAY ABOUT ELIAN
IS THANK GOD HE'S CUBAN.

'CAUSE
IF HE WAS HAITIAN,

YOU WOULD'VE NEVER
HEARD ABOUT HIS ASS !

UH-UH...

IF ELIAN GONZALEZ
WAS ELIAN MAMUMBO

FROM HAITI,

THEY WOULDA PUSHED
THAT LITTLE RUBBER TUBE

RIGHT BACK
INTO THE WATER.

"SORRY, FELLA,
ALL FULL.

GOOD LUCK."

THE ONLY THING IN OUR SOCIETY
THAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST,

IS THE WAY
THAT MEN AND WOMEN

DON'T GET ALONG
NO MORE.

THAT'S REALLY
WHAT'S BUGGING ME ABOUT IT.

MEN AND WOMEN
JUST DON'T GET ALONG.

LIKE, I HEAR WOMEN
SAY THIS ALL THE TIME.

I KNOW A LOT OF YOU SISTERS
WILL BE LIKE,

"CHIVALRY IS DEAD."

DON'T YA ALL
FEEL THAT WAY ?

LIKE MEN AREN'T
GENTLEMEN ANYMORE ?

THAT'S RIGHT,

CHIVALRY IS DEAD,
AND WOMEN KILLED IT.

THERE'S A FUNDAMENTAL
DIFFERENCE

IN THE WAY WE'RE
GONNA SEE THINGS.

WE'RE NOT GONNA SEE
EYE-TO-EYE ON THIS ISSUE,

WE'RE JUST NOT.

OUR TESTS IN LIFE
ARE DIFFERENT.

A WOMEN'S TEST IN LIFE
IS MATERIAL.

A MAN'S TEST IN LIFE
IS A WOMAN.

NOW, BY TESTS,
I MEAN THAT THOSE ARE THE THINGS

THAT WE DESIRE.

MEN HAVE NICE CARS.

NOT 'CAUSE
THEY LIKE NICE CARS,

BECAUSE THEY KNOW
WOMEN LIKE NICE CARS.

THAT'S HOW IT GOES.

'CAUSE MEN ARE HUNTERS
AND THE CAR'S THE BAIT.

AND A WOMAN COMES OUT
AND SAYS, "OOH, NICE PORSCHE."

"GOTCHA BITCH !"

( applause )

THAT'S HOW IT IS.

THAT'S TRUE.

C'MON, NOW, YOU GO
TO A WOMAN'S HOUSE

HER HOUSE'LL BE
COMFORTABLE AS SHIT.

WOMEN LOVE COMFORTABLE
SURROUNDINGS,

SO, MEN GET
COMFORTABLE SURROUNDINGS.

BUT, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IF A MAN COULD FUCK A WOMAN
IN A CARDBOARD BOX,

HE WOULDN'T
BUY A HOUSE.

BUT, THAT'S STILL NOT
WHERE CHIVALRY GOT KILLED.

CHIVALRY GOT KILLED
BY THE FEMINIST MOVEMENT

ON THE MAGAZINES
THAT GOT WOMEN GOING CRAZY.

BECAUSE WOMEN GOT
TOO MUCH ADVICE ABOUT MEN

FROM OTHER WOMEN.

AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S TRUE.

I SEE THIS SHIT
IN THE MAGAZINES.

I DON'T READ 'EM, BUT,
I BE SEEIN' THE COVER.

I'LL BE IN
THE GROCERY STORE,

FELLAS, YOU LOOKING
AT MAGAZINES, "WHAT IS THIS ?"

AND IT SAYS
ON THE COVER,

"100 WAYS
TO PLEASE YOUR MAN",

BY SOME LADY.

GET OUTTA HERE,
NOW, C'MON.

AIN'T NO 100 WAYS,
THAT LIST IS FOUR THINGS LONG.

JUST, SUCK HIS DICK,
PLAY WITH HIS BALLS,

FIX HIM A SANDWICH,
AND, DON'T TALK SO MUCH !

AND THEY'RE
GONNA BE HAPPY !

YEAH.

AND THEN THE MAGAZINE'S
TRICK THE WOMEN.

THE MAGAZINE'S START
PICKING AT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.

EVERY PAGE
YOU TURN,

YOU START FEELING FATTER
AND UGLIER,

AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR CLOTHES
AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

AND THE MAGAZINES
HAVE YOU FORGETTING

HOW FUCKING
BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE.

AND THAT'S
WHAT HAPPENS.

NOW, LOOK
WHAT HAPPENS...

( applause )

AND THEN YOU FORGET
HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE,

AND WE ALL SUFFER.

IF PUSSY WAS A STOCK,

IT WOULD BE
PLUMMETING RIGHT NOW

BECAUSE YOU FLOODED
THE MARKET WITH IT,

YOU'RE GIVING IT AWAY
TOO EASY.

I'M JUST
BEING TRUTHFUL.

I'M JUST TALKING.

IT WOULD PLUMMET.

YOU'D BE WATCHING
THE NEWS,

"TODAY, PUSSY
PLUMMETED AGAIN

"ON THE NASDAQ.

GOLD IS UP 10 POINTS."

YOU CAN SEE IT,
YOU EVER HAVE THIS HAPPEN ?

THIS IS HOW
CONFUSING IT IS.

THIS IS THE PRACTICAL
APPLICATION

OF WHAT
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

A GUY'LL BE OUT,
THIS HAPPENS TO A LOT, GUYS,

YOU'LL BE OUT
AT A CLUB, A BAR, RIGHT ?

YOU'RE JUST KICKING
WITH YOUR BOYS.

AND A GIRL WALKS BY,
AND, MAN, SHE LOOKS GOOD.

NOT GOOD IN THAT
CLASSICAL WAY.

I'M TALKING GOOD
LIKE,

SHE GOT HALF HER ASS
HANGING OUT OF HER SKIRT,

MMMM.

HER TITTIES ARE
ALL MASHED TOGETHER.

POPPING OUT THE TOP OF
HER TURTLENECK AND SHIT.

AND YOU'RE WITH
YOUR BUDDIES, RIGHT ?

YOU GOT A COUPLE
OF DRINKS IN YOU,

AND YOU SEE A GIRL AND
YOU MIGHT TRY TO TALK TO HER.

IT JUST MIGHT NOT
COME OUT RIGHT.

"DAMN, LOOK
AT THEM TITTIES !"

THE GIRL
GETS MAD AT YOU.

"OH, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE !

"JUST BECAUSE
I'M DRESSED THIS WAY

"DOES NOT...

MAKE ME A WHORE."

WHICH IS TRUE.

GENTLEMEN,
THAT IS TRUE.

JUST BECAUSE
THEY DRESS A CERTAIN WAY,

DOESN'T MEAN THEY
ARE A CERTAIN WAY.

DON'T EVER FORGET IT,

BUT, LADIES,
YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT

THAT IS FUCKING
CONFUSING.

IT JUST IS.

NOW, THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME,
DAVE CHAPPELLE, THE COMEDIAN,

WALKING AROUND THE STREETS
IN A COP UNIFORM.

SOMEBODY
MIGHT RUN UP ON ME.

"AHH, THANK GOD,
OFFICER, HELP US !

C'MON, THEY'RE OVER HERE,
HELP US !"

I'D BE, "OH, JUST BECAUSE
I'M DRESSED THIS WAY,

DOES NOT MAKE ME
A POLICE OFFICER !"

DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING ?

I WAS LIKE,
"ALRIGHT LADY, FINE, FINE !

"YOU ARE NOT A WHORE.

"BUT, YOU ARE WEARING
A WHORE'S UNIFORM,

I'LL TELL YOU
THAT SHIT."

MISUNDERSTANDINGS
CAN HAPPEN.

AND THEN, MEN,
WE MISUNDERSTAND
WOMEN A LOT.

WE ALWAYS UNDERMINE
THEIR FEELINGS.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO THEM,
YOU CAN'T.

BECAUSE, SEE,
FEELINGS ARE...

FEELINGS ARE VERY
IMPORTANT TO WOMEN.

THEY ARE ALL
IMPORTANT TO WOMEN.

I'M JUST LEARNING
THIS SHIT.

EVERYTHING'S
BASED ON HOW THEY FEEL.

YOU CAN HEAR IT
WHEN THEY TELL STORIES.

YOU HEAR A MAN
TELL A STORY,

IT'LL BE JUST FACTS.

WHO, WHAT, WHEN,
WHERE, WHY.

"IT WAS ME AND BOB,
WE WAS AT SAFEWAY.

"AND THAT NIGGER
BOB SAID THIS,

"AND I PUNCHED THAT NIGGER
AND THEN I BROKE OUT.

THAT'S THE STORY."

( applause )

"THAT'S THE STORY."

WOMEN WOULD TELL THE STORY
WITH ALL THESE FEELINGS IN IT.

"WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

"I WAS ON MY PERIOD AND
I JUST TALKED TO MY MOTHER.

SO, I WAS FEELING
LIKE, REALLY BAD... "

"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED,
GET TO IT !"

BUT, THEY GOTTA
TALK ABOUT 'EM.

GOTTA TALK ABOUT 'EM.

THAT'S HOW THEY
ALWAYS GET ME.

I'LL BE SITTING THERE,
WATCHING TV,

CHILLIN' AND SHIT.

MY OLD LADY
COME UP TO ME.

"DAVID,

WE NEED TO TALK."

"FUCK !"

I DON'T SAY
THAT OUT LOUD.

THAT'S HOW
I FEEL INSIDE.

BECAUSE I KNOW EVERY TIME
WE NEED TO TALK,

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOME SHIT
THAT I GOTTA DO.

BUT, WE DON'T EVER
GOTTA TALK ABOUT

ANYTHING SHE
NEEDS TO DO.

SHE LEAVES ME
DEFENSELESS !

I HAVE TO DO
WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

"DAVID,
WE NEED TO TALK."

( Cagney voice )
"AHH... "

"DON'T DO THAT TO ME
DAVID, THIS IS SERIOUS.

STOP TALKING
IN THAT VOICE."

( Cagney voice )
"NOW, SEE... !

"I GOTTA DO THIS,
SEE !!

AHH, SEE ?!"

I COMPLAIN, BUT,
I'M HAPPY I'M WITH SOMEBODY.

I DON'T WANNA BE SINGLE,
I DON'T LIKE THAT.

SOMETIMES YOU GO TO
THEM SINGLE CLUBS,

YOU SEE TOO MUCH.

I WAS ON THE ROAD,
ONE CLUB,

AND I SEEN A THING
THEY CALL,

A THONG CONTEST.

( male in audience )
YES !!!!

YEAH, I SEEN
A THONG CONTEST.

( male )
SCANDALOUS !

YEAH, THAT'S SOME
SCANDALOUS SHIT, ALRIGHT.

I COULDN'T
GET OVER THAT, MAN.

I WAS DANCING WITH A GIRL
AND THE DJ SAID,

"EVERYBODY THAT WANTS
TO BE IN THE THONG CONTEST

PLEASE REPORT
TO THE DJ BOOTH."

THE GIRL'S LIKE,
"EXCUSE ME !"

THEY PUT ON
THAT SONG,

♪ LET ME SEE SOME,
THONG, THONG, THONG... ♪

THEM GIRLS WAS
GOING OFF !

SOME OF THEM PULLING
THEIR PANTS DOWN,

SOME OF THEM PULLING
THEIR SKIRTS UP,

ALL OF THEM
SHAKING THEIR BUTTS.

SOME OF THEM
DIDN'T HAVE UNDERWEAR ON,

THEY WAS JUST FUCKIN'
SHAKING THEIR BUTT.

I MEAN,
I WAS FUCKIN' DISGUSTED,

BUT I COULDN'T
TURN AWAY.

( applause )

BUT, NO, PLEASE,
FOR THE SQUEAMISH,

JUST PLUG YOUR EARS.

ONE OF THE GIRLS
WAS GETTING SO INTO IT,

NOW THERE'S NO COPS
AROUND, RIGHT ?

BUT, SHE ACTUALLY,
I'M SORRY TO TELL Y'ALL THIS,

BUT, SHE SPREADS
HER BUTT CHEEKS OPEN,

IN THE MIDDLE OF
A CROWDED DISCO, RIGHT ?

I WAS DISGUSTED 'CAUSE I WAS
LIKE 10 YARDS AWAY FROM HER,

I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD !"

IS THAT HER
BIRTH CANAL ?

OH, IT GETS WORSE.

GOOD GOD, ALMIGHTY,
IS THAT,

IS THAT A BABY ?

I KNOW THAT'S GROSS,
IT'S GROSS,

'CAUSE,
IT WAS A BABY.

IT WAS THE SAME BABY
FROM THE PROJECTS,

HE'S LIKE, "I SNUCK
IN THE CLUB, NIGGER !

"I GOT THAT WEED
IF YOU NEED ME !

JUST PAT HER ON THE ASS,
AND I'LL COME OUT !"

HEY, GUYS,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

THANK YOU, ALL.

♪ ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
LOSE MY MIND ♪

♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
GO ALL OUT ♪

♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
ACT A FOOL ♪

♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪

♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
LOSE MY COOL ♪

♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 2000
HOME BOX OFFICE

A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.

Captioned by
HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER