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1
00:00:08,713 --> 00:00:13,471
I always thought
the heart would be bigger.
Hearts vary hugely in size, Frank.
2
00:00:13,491 --> 00:00:15,130
And who had the smallest?
3
00:00:15,262 --> 00:00:18,983
Well, I would say it's probably
a toss-up between Hitler
4
00:00:18,984 --> 00:00:21,383
and whoever stole my golf clubs.
5
00:00:24,263 --> 00:00:26,342
Ah, Mr Servant.
6
00:00:26,343 --> 00:00:28,303
Aye.
7
00:00:29,703 --> 00:00:32,261
How did things work out
with the extra leg?
8
00:00:32,262 --> 00:00:34,903
In the end,
it wasn't actually an extra leg.
9
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,114
Really?
10
00:00:37,914 --> 00:00:41,432
Was it, as I told you repeatedly,
a reducible hernia?
11
00:00:41,433 --> 00:00:43,114
I think we were both right.
12
00:00:44,047 --> 00:00:45,085
What can I do for you?
13
00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:47,045
Tonight is the by-election debate,
14
00:00:47,046 --> 00:00:49,447
a big show, live audience,
talk of the town,
15
00:00:49,448 --> 00:00:52,046
blah, blah, blah, blah.
16
00:00:52,047 --> 00:00:54,326
I need a little something.
17
00:00:54,327 --> 00:00:56,766
A little something?
18
00:00:56,767 --> 00:00:58,846
Francis.
Thanks, Bob.
19
00:00:58,847 --> 00:01:03,766
Yes, we require a pill or a potion
20
00:01:03,767 --> 00:01:09,406
that will make Bob's eyes
twinkle like pricey diamonds,
21
00:01:09,407 --> 00:01:14,446
make his hair look like he washed it
in a Caribbean waterfall,
22
00:01:14,447 --> 00:01:16,687
and that will make his voice go very
deep
23
00:01:16,688 --> 00:01:21,046
so he sounds like the man
who tells you about other films,
24
00:01:21,047 --> 00:01:24,247
you know, when you go
to watch the films.
25
00:01:26,967 --> 00:01:28,647
The debate's in two hours.
26
00:01:30,629 --> 00:01:39,350
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
27
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,847
Hey, Georgie!
28
00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:57,526
The problem wi' doctors, Frank,
29
00:01:57,527 --> 00:02:00,287
is they keep the best stuff to
themselves.
30
00:02:01,687 --> 00:02:03,847
Have you ever been to a doctor's
party?
31
00:02:03,848 --> 00:02:05,806
No.
Neither have I.
32
00:02:05,807 --> 00:02:07,606
I bet they're brilliant.
33
00:02:07,607 --> 00:02:09,646
Oh, here we go.
34
00:02:09,647 --> 00:02:11,366
Atletico Bell-end.
35
00:02:11,367 --> 00:02:14,046
So, you all set for the big debate?
36
00:02:14,047 --> 00:02:15,285
Oh, is that tonight?
37
00:02:15,286 --> 00:02:18,125
Yeah, we're just throwing in a
quick five-miler, you know.
Clear the head.
38
00:02:18,126 --> 00:02:20,605
Five miles?
I do that in my slippers.
39
00:02:20,606 --> 00:02:21,685
You're a runner?
40
00:02:21,686 --> 00:02:24,005
I ran to Aberdeen once.
You ran to Aberdeen?
41
00:02:24,006 --> 00:02:27,047
Sprinted. There was rumours
of a closing-down sale.
42
00:02:27,048 --> 00:02:28,846
OK.
Unfounded.
43
00:02:28,847 --> 00:02:31,007
Well, I look forward
to sparring with you later.
44
00:02:31,008 --> 00:02:33,246
I see!
45
00:02:33,247 --> 00:02:36,327
That'll be like the lambs
voting for Christmas.
46
00:02:36,328 --> 00:02:37,526
Turkeys.
47
00:02:37,527 --> 00:02:38,567
You said lambs. Turkeys.
48
00:02:38,568 --> 00:02:40,206
It was lambs. Turkeys.
49
00:02:40,207 --> 00:02:42,327
It sounded like
lambs over here, Bob.
50
00:02:47,087 --> 00:02:48,567
Et tu, Bruno?
51
00:02:53,967 --> 00:02:57,246
Look how strong he is, Bob.
52
00:02:57,247 --> 00:03:00,286
Oh, Frank, that's just gym strength.
53
00:03:00,287 --> 00:03:04,045
Out in the real world you need
what is known as street strength.
54
00:03:04,046 --> 00:03:05,965
OK, OK, that guy can lift dumbbells,
55
00:03:05,966 --> 00:03:08,647
but can he shake trees
to get down scared cats?
56
00:03:08,648 --> 00:03:09,686
Probably.
57
00:03:09,687 --> 00:03:12,445
You see, that is
what they call street strength.
58
00:03:12,446 --> 00:03:14,045
I believe you are looking
at joining?
59
00:03:14,046 --> 00:03:16,805
Not so much joining,
just a wee kind of boost.
60
00:03:16,806 --> 00:03:18,965
Are you not the guy we caught
trying to steal tennis rackets?
61
00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:22,647
I wasn't thinking straight,
somebody stole my golf clubs,
I just lashed out.
62
00:03:22,648 --> 00:03:24,446
Right.
Anyway, pal,
63
00:03:24,447 --> 00:03:26,485
tonight is the big by-election debate
64
00:03:26,486 --> 00:03:28,247
and I am looking
to get some work done.
65
00:03:28,248 --> 00:03:31,247
What kind of work?
Thank you, Bob.
66
00:03:32,847 --> 00:03:37,526
Right, Bob's arms and legs
speak for themselves,
67
00:03:37,527 --> 00:03:40,447
but can you have a wee look
at his stomach?
68
00:03:40,448 --> 00:03:43,646
There is no major cause for concern
69
00:03:43,647 --> 00:03:46,567
but you might as well take
an inch aff for a laugh.
70
00:03:46,568 --> 00:03:52,486
Also, there would be no harm
in giving the thighs a wee tighten,
71
00:03:52,487 --> 00:03:54,767
and taking ten years...
Five years.
72
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:58,047
Er, five years aff his cheekbones.
73
00:03:59,127 --> 00:04:00,767
When were you hoping to see results?
74
00:04:02,567 --> 00:04:04,005
We've got an hour and a half.
75
00:04:04,006 --> 00:04:07,567
Minus travel time.
And we still need to have our tea.
76
00:04:09,247 --> 00:04:12,486
Forget the physical preparation,
Frank.
77
00:04:12,487 --> 00:04:15,046
Mental preparation, that's the game.
78
00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:16,887
And it all starts with this -
79
00:04:16,888 --> 00:04:18,646
brain food.
80
00:04:18,647 --> 00:04:22,406
Bob, we should probably
go over some policies.
81
00:04:22,407 --> 00:04:23,885
Aw, debate is not about policies,
Frank.
82
00:04:23,886 --> 00:04:25,165
No?
Oh, quite the opposite,
83
00:04:25,166 --> 00:04:27,887
quite the opposite.
Look at the great debaters -
84
00:04:27,888 --> 00:04:30,726
Churchill, Thatcher, Anneka Rice.
85
00:04:30,727 --> 00:04:33,845
Those people thought on their feet.
Lived aff their wits.
86
00:04:33,846 --> 00:04:36,287
Is that our plan,
to live aff our wits?
87
00:04:38,007 --> 00:04:39,366
Stand up.
88
00:04:39,367 --> 00:04:44,167
Right, I am going to hit Edwards
with a wee one-two.
89
00:04:46,527 --> 00:04:49,567
Do you remember when you said
I didn't know how to Derren Brown
someone,
90
00:04:49,568 --> 00:04:52,406
and I Derren Brown-ed you?
Yes, yes,
91
00:04:52,407 --> 00:04:54,325
you made me think I was a robot.
92
00:04:54,326 --> 00:04:57,767
Well, I've got a wee Derren Brown
just for Edwards.
93
00:04:59,047 --> 00:05:00,926
Secondly, start talking.
94
00:05:00,927 --> 00:05:02,126
About what?
95
00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:03,206
Anything.
96
00:05:03,207 --> 00:05:05,326
Talk about who you are.
97
00:05:05,327 --> 00:05:07,246
OK. Um...
98
00:05:07,247 --> 00:05:10,806
my name is Frank and I am...
99
00:05:10,807 --> 00:05:12,446
campaign manager...
100
00:05:12,447 --> 00:05:13,566
Carry on.
101
00:05:13,567 --> 00:05:15,486
Um...
102
00:05:15,487 --> 00:05:19,886
I'm campaign manager f-f-for...
103
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,887
Bob and I...
104
00:05:24,167 --> 00:05:25,366
I...
105
00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:27,966
I'm sorry, Bob, I can't do it.
106
00:05:27,967 --> 00:05:29,367
You see?
107
00:05:30,687 --> 00:05:33,806
I call that one "up close and
personal".
108
00:05:33,807 --> 00:05:35,445
Well, it's bloody dynamite.
109
00:05:35,446 --> 00:05:36,647
Works well with plumbers.
110
00:05:36,648 --> 00:05:38,846
Right, let's get going.
111
00:05:38,847 --> 00:05:44,327
Call the taxi for the town hall,
I'll go and dig out... the shirt.
112
00:05:47,127 --> 00:05:48,567
It's not at the town hall, Bob.
113
00:05:48,568 --> 00:05:50,967
The debate's in Dundee.
114
00:05:53,607 --> 00:05:55,206
I beg your pardon?
115
00:05:55,207 --> 00:05:57,407
I've got to hand it to Edwards,
Frank.
116
00:05:57,408 --> 00:05:59,166
He's a clever bastard.
117
00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:01,325
They've looked at this situation
and thought,
118
00:06:01,326 --> 00:06:03,125
"Right, Bob's a Broughty Ferry man.
119
00:06:03,126 --> 00:06:06,087
"Get him in front of
a Broughty Ferry audience,
120
00:06:06,088 --> 00:06:08,366
"it will be absolute Beatlemania.
121
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:11,325
"No, let's tak' him to Dundee,
shake him up a bit."
122
00:06:11,326 --> 00:06:13,487
They said there was
nowhere big enough round about here.
123
00:06:13,488 --> 00:06:15,366
Oh, really? How convenient.
124
00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:17,367
Well, there's not.
125
00:06:18,607 --> 00:06:20,606
A Dundee crowd, Frank.
126
00:06:20,607 --> 00:06:22,007
That changes everything.
127
00:06:22,008 --> 00:06:24,247
They're still Scottish, Bob.
128
00:06:25,247 --> 00:06:28,766
I mean... you can always play
the Braveheart card.
129
00:06:28,767 --> 00:06:32,126
I will not play the Braveheart card,
Frank.
130
00:06:32,127 --> 00:06:35,326
It's a cheap move
and I don't need it.
131
00:06:35,327 --> 00:06:39,006
I'll beat Edwards and the rest
mano-a-o-mano.
132
00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:40,606
Bob...
133
00:06:40,607 --> 00:06:45,966
Edwards is younger, and may I say,
a proper politician.
134
00:06:45,967 --> 00:06:49,886
And may I say, a bit of a dish.
135
00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:53,447
But, I mean, he couldn't beat
the Braveheart card, Bob.
136
00:06:53,448 --> 00:06:55,366
No-one can.
137
00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:58,407
Francis, go and stand over there
till the bus comes.
138
00:06:58,408 --> 00:07:00,607
But, Bob...
Over there!
139
00:07:21,327 --> 00:07:24,727
Do you think this is where
they make Top Of The Pops?
140
00:07:24,728 --> 00:07:25,926
Oh, who cares?
141
00:07:25,927 --> 00:07:28,245
I'm not impressed by this lot, Frank.
142
00:07:28,246 --> 00:07:32,285
The BBC are a bunch of crooks,
making us pay our license fee
143
00:07:32,286 --> 00:07:35,125
just so they can eat strawberry
sandwiches at Wimbledon.
144
00:07:35,126 --> 00:07:39,327
And Attenborough can go and build
himself a big hoose at the North
Pole.
145
00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:41,766
It's an absolute swindle.
146
00:07:41,767 --> 00:07:45,125
I support the satellite mob,
they don't take themselves too
seriously
147
00:07:45,126 --> 00:07:46,325
and it doesn't cost you a penny...
148
00:07:46,326 --> 00:07:48,087
once you've got the box,
had it installed,
149
00:07:48,088 --> 00:07:52,007
paid the subscription
and removed the parental lock.
150
00:07:53,767 --> 00:07:55,007
Mr Servant.
151
00:07:57,887 --> 00:08:00,086
Don't be ridiculous.
152
00:08:00,087 --> 00:08:03,646
So what, are we talking BBC One?
153
00:08:03,647 --> 00:08:05,247
No, it's not on television.
154
00:08:06,727 --> 00:08:08,767
Well, this was a waste of time.
155
00:08:08,768 --> 00:08:11,166
It's on Radio Scotland.
156
00:08:11,167 --> 00:08:12,806
Radio Scotland?
157
00:08:12,807 --> 00:08:14,166
That's for drunks.
158
00:08:14,167 --> 00:08:16,886
Aye, or fishermen.
Or both.
159
00:08:16,887 --> 00:08:18,767
Did I see you on Scotland At One?
160
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:22,607
No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
161
00:08:22,608 --> 00:08:24,487
Quite the reverse.
162
00:08:27,887 --> 00:08:29,926
Oh, my good God!
163
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:32,446
Cool, Frank, keep cool.
164
00:08:32,447 --> 00:08:34,087
It's like being in a spaceship.
165
00:08:34,088 --> 00:08:35,446
Excuse me?
Yes?
166
00:08:35,447 --> 00:08:37,845
Can we get this raised a little?
He doesn't want to hit it with his
hands.
167
00:08:37,846 --> 00:08:40,127
- No problem.
- Is this my radio tie?
168
00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:41,926
Yes.
Good.
169
00:08:41,927 --> 00:08:43,607
And a glass of water
would be good as well.
170
00:08:43,608 --> 00:08:46,726
Something Scottish, not Irish or
Welsh.
171
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:49,207
That would be great, thank you.
Water, thank you.
172
00:08:49,208 --> 00:08:51,447
Hello, hello, producer hen.
173
00:08:52,767 --> 00:08:54,526
Um, I'll take this one.
174
00:08:54,527 --> 00:08:55,686
OK.
175
00:08:55,687 --> 00:08:57,567
But, er, could I have a few tweaks
as well?
176
00:08:57,568 --> 00:08:58,806
Tweaks? Mm-hm,
177
00:08:58,807 --> 00:09:00,365
could you make it see-through?
178
00:09:00,366 --> 00:09:04,007
I don't want any stupid rumours
about me not having any legs.
179
00:09:04,008 --> 00:09:05,366
Yeah...
180
00:09:05,367 --> 00:09:06,967
can I get you guys
to the green room?
181
00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:14,007
Can I get you anything?
182
00:09:14,008 --> 00:09:16,246
Is it aeroplane prices?
183
00:09:16,247 --> 00:09:18,087
All food and drink is complimentary.
184
00:09:19,407 --> 00:09:22,446
Well, er, could I have
a ham sandwich?
185
00:09:22,447 --> 00:09:24,007
Absolutely. Anything else?
186
00:09:25,127 --> 00:09:28,366
Oh, um, may I trouble you
for a cold lemonade?
187
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:29,607
No problem.
188
00:09:30,807 --> 00:09:32,365
Who are these two, Frank?
189
00:09:32,366 --> 00:09:33,845
He's the socialist candidate.
190
00:09:33,846 --> 00:09:36,607
Mm-hm.
And she's an environmental person.
191
00:09:36,608 --> 00:09:38,366
Ah. Lovely hair.
192
00:09:38,367 --> 00:09:40,325
Oh, forget about them, Frank,
wannabes.
193
00:09:40,326 --> 00:09:43,847
Local show-offs that dinnae ken
the first thing about politics.
194
00:09:45,247 --> 00:09:46,527
Oh, here we go, Frank.
195
00:09:48,127 --> 00:09:50,966
Ah, tonight is about me and him.
196
00:09:50,967 --> 00:09:52,486
We are the big guns.
197
00:09:52,487 --> 00:09:55,085
I tell you, Frank, when me and him
have a go at each other,
198
00:09:55,086 --> 00:09:58,127
it is going to make Vietnam
look like Crufts.
199
00:09:58,128 --> 00:10:01,006
Oh, thanking you kindly.
200
00:10:01,007 --> 00:10:03,007
Just ignore him.
201
00:10:05,367 --> 00:10:08,927
Hey, Bob, do you think this is what
it's like at the Oscars?
202
00:10:10,047 --> 00:10:11,687
No.
203
00:10:23,887 --> 00:10:25,726
So, the BBC.
204
00:10:25,727 --> 00:10:28,967
This must be quite an exciting
little expedition for you two.
205
00:10:28,968 --> 00:10:31,007
I prefer ITV2...
206
00:10:31,967 --> 00:10:33,007
Plus 1.
207
00:10:34,287 --> 00:10:35,407
The people's channel.
208
00:10:39,407 --> 00:10:42,245
OK, I think you all know
today's moderator.
209
00:10:42,246 --> 00:10:44,005
- Anders!
- Evening, everyone.
210
00:10:44,006 --> 00:10:45,887
Round two for us, is it, Anders?
211
00:10:45,888 --> 00:10:47,206
I suppose so.
212
00:10:47,207 --> 00:10:49,446
Uh-huh, "Fumble In The Jungle".
213
00:10:49,447 --> 00:10:51,806
OK, so boring stuff first, folks.
214
00:10:51,807 --> 00:10:55,006
Could I have
a hot coffee, please?
215
00:10:55,007 --> 00:10:57,007
And a selection of edible biscuits?
216
00:10:59,127 --> 00:11:02,046
So... let's chat debate.
217
00:11:02,047 --> 00:11:05,247
I want to start by banging out
agreement on question order.
218
00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:06,646
No chance.
219
00:11:06,647 --> 00:11:10,326
What?
We don't negotiate with terrorists.
220
00:11:10,327 --> 00:11:13,045
As you'll have noticed,
due to the guidelines
221
00:11:13,046 --> 00:11:15,967
we have to invite all candidates
this evening.
222
00:11:15,968 --> 00:11:19,886
That's a wee bit sexist, Anders.
223
00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:23,965
As it is a broader debate, I'm happy
to be a little bit flexible on
subject matter,
224
00:11:23,966 --> 00:11:27,287
but any hot po-tatties
we need to be throwing out of the
kitchen?
225
00:11:27,288 --> 00:11:29,966
No, no hot po-tatties.
226
00:11:29,967 --> 00:11:32,005
We won't talk about gay marriage.
Apart from that...
227
00:11:32,006 --> 00:11:33,845
po-tattie.
Yeah, that's a deal breaker.
228
00:11:33,846 --> 00:11:37,125
And I won't talk about former lovers.
It's not fair for them.
229
00:11:37,126 --> 00:11:39,485
I would sincerely hope
that's a given.
230
00:11:39,486 --> 00:11:41,645
And I am not giving in
to the whole argument about,
231
00:11:41,646 --> 00:11:44,767
should small guys be allowed to use
extra long snooker cues?
232
00:11:44,768 --> 00:11:47,246
Brings out the fanatics.
233
00:11:47,247 --> 00:11:48,687
The poo-in-the-post brigade.
234
00:11:48,688 --> 00:11:51,086
Aye, and that's a deal breaker.
235
00:11:51,087 --> 00:11:53,086
We can cope with that.
236
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:57,605
Right then, folks, I will see you
shortly to, er, crank out some
politics.
237
00:11:57,606 --> 00:11:59,887
I presume there's a full ban
on magic tricks?
238
00:11:59,888 --> 00:12:02,046
Yep. Good.
239
00:12:02,047 --> 00:12:04,487
Ah, coffee looks fine.
240
00:12:07,607 --> 00:12:09,687
And the biscuits are...
241
00:12:13,487 --> 00:12:14,527
perfect.
242
00:12:24,447 --> 00:12:26,205
Why don't I have any notes, Frank?
243
00:12:26,206 --> 00:12:28,805
You said we didn't need any.
No, I didn't.
244
00:12:28,806 --> 00:12:32,207
You said we'd live aff our wits.
Like Anneka Rice.
245
00:12:33,487 --> 00:12:34,527
Right.
246
00:12:35,527 --> 00:12:37,567
Time to play my first ace.
247
00:12:41,367 --> 00:12:43,205
No, we definitely won't
be doing that.
248
00:12:43,206 --> 00:12:45,607
I want you to maintain that
air of confidence at all times.
249
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:47,806
OK, there?
250
00:12:47,807 --> 00:12:49,166
Yes.
251
00:12:49,167 --> 00:12:52,046
Good. Good.
252
00:12:52,047 --> 00:12:56,286
Tell me, have you been to the toilet?
253
00:12:56,287 --> 00:12:57,966
Yes.
254
00:12:57,967 --> 00:12:59,726
Ah, great.
255
00:12:59,727 --> 00:13:03,766
I just hope, when we're out there,
256
00:13:03,767 --> 00:13:07,526
debating away like panthers,
257
00:13:07,527 --> 00:13:11,767
you don't suddenly find yourself
needing to go...
258
00:13:15,727 --> 00:13:17,767
to the toilet. Right.
259
00:13:23,167 --> 00:13:25,127
That's all I hope.
260
00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:28,247
He's Derren Brown and you're...
261
00:13:28,248 --> 00:13:29,406
Don't tell him!
262
00:13:29,407 --> 00:13:31,767
Are you OK?
You seem a bit nervous.
263
00:13:31,768 --> 00:13:34,126
Me? Nervous?
264
00:13:34,127 --> 00:13:36,846
Extremely. Very edgy.
265
00:13:36,847 --> 00:13:38,047
Haud these.
266
00:13:39,647 --> 00:13:41,407
I've only been nervous
three times in my life.
267
00:13:41,408 --> 00:13:43,246
OK.
The day I was born,
268
00:13:43,247 --> 00:13:44,607
when I first used a SodaStream
269
00:13:44,608 --> 00:13:48,167
and that time I thought
I saw Fred West in Argos.
270
00:13:49,487 --> 00:13:52,007
And there won't be a fourth.
271
00:13:53,407 --> 00:13:55,006
Hello?
272
00:13:55,007 --> 00:13:56,407
Ten minutes, please, folks.
273
00:14:00,287 --> 00:14:02,447
Have you been to the toilet?
274
00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:07,327
May I have a lemon sorbet?
Piss off.
275
00:14:12,847 --> 00:14:15,087
Look at all the people, Bob.
276
00:14:16,967 --> 00:14:19,007
They look like ants.
277
00:14:21,047 --> 00:14:22,366
Everything OK, Bob?
278
00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:24,926
Oh, we're OK, Frank.
279
00:14:24,927 --> 00:14:26,886
We should be absolutely OK.
280
00:14:26,887 --> 00:14:28,806
Have you got, you know,
281
00:14:28,807 --> 00:14:30,527
some ideas?
Ideas, Frank?
282
00:14:30,528 --> 00:14:31,646
Hunners.
283
00:14:31,647 --> 00:14:32,966
Hunners.
284
00:14:32,967 --> 00:14:34,446
And yourself?
285
00:14:34,447 --> 00:14:37,325
Have you got any bright ideas
going spare?
286
00:14:37,326 --> 00:14:39,047
Bob, you don't want to hear
any of my ideas.
287
00:14:39,048 --> 00:14:41,566
Oh, I actually do, Frank.
288
00:14:41,567 --> 00:14:43,966
I really, really do.
289
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:46,445
You're kind of putting me
on the spot here, Bob.
290
00:14:46,446 --> 00:14:48,365
We're all on the spot, Frank.
291
00:14:48,366 --> 00:14:50,487
I'm on the biggest fucking spot in
town.
292
00:14:50,488 --> 00:14:54,046
Bob, I think perhaps
it would help if,
293
00:14:54,047 --> 00:14:58,967
maybe you should think about
considering calming down
just a little bit.
294
00:14:58,968 --> 00:15:02,366
One idea, Frank,
just one to get things started.
295
00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:03,807
Er...
296
00:15:06,527 --> 00:15:08,326
Free wellies?
297
00:15:08,327 --> 00:15:09,927
What with?
298
00:15:11,447 --> 00:15:13,086
Er...
299
00:15:13,087 --> 00:15:14,447
MOTs?
300
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:18,366
Jesus Christ.
301
00:15:18,367 --> 00:15:20,006
Two minutes, guys.
302
00:15:20,007 --> 00:15:22,127
I'll introduce you individually.
303
00:15:23,127 --> 00:15:24,646
Ha-ha!
304
00:15:24,647 --> 00:15:26,286
Thank you, thank you.
305
00:15:26,287 --> 00:15:29,086
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
306
00:15:29,087 --> 00:15:31,925
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening
and please welcome to the studio >
307
00:15:31,926 --> 00:15:35,207
the first by-election candidate,
it's Mr Nick Edwards! >
308
00:15:39,247 --> 00:15:44,166
Frank, go and tell the DJ to give us
the biggest party tune he's got.
309
00:15:44,167 --> 00:15:48,366
- I want well-managed hysteria.
- I've got it.
310
00:15:48,367 --> 00:15:52,567
And from the Environmental
Party, it's Susan Blackburn!
311
00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:56,447
That's £20 cash.
312
00:15:57,607 --> 00:16:00,485
The final candidate,
who we are duty bound
313
00:16:00,486 --> 00:16:02,927
to have with us this
evening is independent candidate,
314
00:16:02,928 --> 00:16:04,447
it's Mr Bob Servant.
315
00:16:11,487 --> 00:16:14,167
Well, hello, hello!
316
00:16:18,367 --> 00:16:20,327
Thank you, thank you for coming.
317
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:22,927
Great to see you all.
318
00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:27,965
A very exciting night.
319
00:16:27,966 --> 00:16:29,247
Mr Servant.
The clash of the...
320
00:16:29,248 --> 00:16:30,887
Oh-ho.
321
00:16:33,247 --> 00:16:35,847
The business of show.
322
00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:41,406
We offered targeted support
across society.
323
00:16:41,407 --> 00:16:44,206
Investment in factories.
324
00:16:44,207 --> 00:16:45,966
Good, honest men.
325
00:16:45,967 --> 00:16:47,727
Investment in primary schools.
Ditto.
326
00:16:49,127 --> 00:16:51,527
And a society that can be judged
on how it treats
327
00:16:51,528 --> 00:16:55,087
those for whom every day is a
struggle.
328
00:16:56,127 --> 00:16:58,446
Milkmen? Anders.
329
00:16:58,447 --> 00:17:00,806
Lots to chew on there, folks.
330
00:17:00,807 --> 00:17:04,326
Mr Edwards, fire your first bullets.
331
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:06,206
That's your one up now.
332
00:17:06,207 --> 00:17:08,486
Tax, health,
333
00:17:08,487 --> 00:17:10,606
education, local business -
334
00:17:10,607 --> 00:17:12,686
that's my DNA.
335
00:17:12,687 --> 00:17:14,086
That's my handprint.
336
00:17:14,087 --> 00:17:16,006
Only a handprint? Sorry?
337
00:17:16,007 --> 00:17:18,047
I go a hell of a lot deeper
than a handprint, pal.
338
00:17:18,048 --> 00:17:20,686
A hell of a lot deeper.
Mr Servant,
339
00:17:20,687 --> 00:17:22,207
you cannot interrupt opening
comments.
340
00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,366
No, actually, Anders, I'm intrigued.
341
00:17:25,367 --> 00:17:28,445
What exactly do you mean
by "deeper than a handprint"?
342
00:17:28,446 --> 00:17:32,725
I'll tell you. Put it this way, if
one of this mob was to come over here
343
00:17:32,726 --> 00:17:34,327
and split me open with an axe,
344
00:17:34,328 --> 00:17:38,006
take out my heart,
cut it open with a penknife
345
00:17:38,007 --> 00:17:42,085
and inside there would be a key
and that key would open a box.
346
00:17:42,086 --> 00:17:44,527
And inside that box there'd be a
note.
347
00:17:44,528 --> 00:17:47,846
And that note would say,
"Vote Bob Servant."
348
00:17:47,847 --> 00:17:49,046
But he'd be dead.
349
00:17:49,047 --> 00:17:51,367
They'd patch me back together.
350
00:17:53,567 --> 00:17:57,887
An investment
in public transport is an
investment in the environment.
351
00:17:57,888 --> 00:18:00,726
I will push for direct trains to
London.
352
00:18:00,727 --> 00:18:02,085
Let me trump you there.
353
00:18:02,086 --> 00:18:04,247
I'll push for direct trains to
Ireland.
354
00:18:04,248 --> 00:18:09,126
Guys. Guys, guys, guys, I'm hearing
a lot about investment here.
355
00:18:09,127 --> 00:18:12,806
But I'm asking,
where is that money coming from?
356
00:18:12,807 --> 00:18:14,645
The EU?
I certainly hope not, Anders.
357
00:18:14,646 --> 00:18:17,765
I think I'm on record
as saying that the EU has to take
358
00:18:17,766 --> 00:18:20,567
some responsibility for the problems
that we face today.
359
00:18:24,887 --> 00:18:27,845
You know, people say
the EU is all straight bananas
360
00:18:27,846 --> 00:18:30,205
and having to wear crash helmets
to cut the grass.
361
00:18:30,206 --> 00:18:32,045
But don't forget about the good
things they've done.
362
00:18:32,046 --> 00:18:34,087
Such as?
Pulling down the Berlin Wall.
363
00:18:34,088 --> 00:18:35,726
Getting rid of pesetas.
364
00:18:35,727 --> 00:18:39,166
And making Bucks Fizz
rip aff their skirts.
365
00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:41,607
Come on, folks,
let's give them a chance.
366
00:18:45,927 --> 00:18:48,207
Is this thing on?
367
00:18:50,527 --> 00:18:52,125
As long as the bankers are OK
368
00:18:52,126 --> 00:18:54,967
then that's all that seems to matter
to this Government.
369
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:57,246
That is just a tired old cliche.
370
00:18:57,247 --> 00:18:59,606
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
371
00:18:59,607 --> 00:19:00,966
He is spot-on.
372
00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:02,446
Bankers are arrogant.
373
00:19:02,447 --> 00:19:03,766
They are arrogant.
374
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:07,605
There's this guy works for the Abbey
National in Brook Street
375
00:19:07,606 --> 00:19:11,727
and he thinks he is bloody God's gift
to women because he rides a
motorbike.
376
00:19:11,728 --> 00:19:13,086
You're spot-on!
377
00:19:13,087 --> 00:19:16,205
How is this relevant?
Because he parks it right outside
378
00:19:16,206 --> 00:19:17,487
like he owns the place.
379
00:19:17,488 --> 00:19:21,206
In the last ten minutes of every day,
he walks around
380
00:19:21,207 --> 00:19:23,647
with all the gear on
like he is Evel Knievel.
381
00:19:23,648 --> 00:19:25,286
He's a bloody poser!
382
00:19:25,287 --> 00:19:28,965
Could we please talk about subjects
that actually affect people's lives?
383
00:19:28,966 --> 00:19:30,767
That affects my life every Friday.
384
00:19:30,768 --> 00:19:33,406
OK, um, Susan, the floor is yours.
385
00:19:33,407 --> 00:19:36,085
Why don't you just chop us out
some policies?
386
00:19:36,086 --> 00:19:38,445
Well, the Human Rights Act.
Oh, here we go.
387
00:19:38,446 --> 00:19:41,247
This Government
are clearly intending to dilute it.
388
00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:46,286
The trouble with the Human Rights Act
is, where does it end?
389
00:19:46,287 --> 00:19:50,525
I mean, of course, of course you
shouldn't be allowed to harm humans.
390
00:19:50,526 --> 00:19:52,487
But does that apply to animals?
391
00:19:52,488 --> 00:19:53,527
Or children?
392
00:19:55,047 --> 00:19:56,848
I mean, you've got to draw the line
somewhere.
393
00:19:58,607 --> 00:20:00,807
You know,
this is all off-the-cuff.
394
00:20:00,808 --> 00:20:02,006
Really?
395
00:20:02,007 --> 00:20:06,085
Let me just take this
opportunity to drag it back
to local issues.
396
00:20:06,086 --> 00:20:08,645
Well, I'm the man for that. Unlike
these three, I'm a Broughty Ferry
man.
397
00:20:08,646 --> 00:20:10,127
What difference does that actually
make?
398
00:20:10,128 --> 00:20:13,166
I'll tell you what difference that
makes.
399
00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:16,207
The difference it makes
is that my policies...
400
00:20:19,127 --> 00:20:23,207
My policies... are the best.
401
00:20:25,007 --> 00:20:28,525
OK. OK, well, why don't you
plate us up one policy?
402
00:20:28,526 --> 00:20:29,607
Well, I will. I will.
403
00:20:29,608 --> 00:20:31,446
OK, here goes.
404
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:32,886
Er...
405
00:20:32,887 --> 00:20:35,006
Er, not free wellies.
406
00:20:35,007 --> 00:20:36,925
Free wellies?
Not free wellies!
407
00:20:36,926 --> 00:20:39,925
I mean, I don't even know
why I'm mentioning the wellies.
408
00:20:39,926 --> 00:20:43,365
I mean, I've got better stuff than
that, but it's just that,
409
00:20:43,366 --> 00:20:45,565
I've got wellies on the brain.
Someone...
410
00:20:45,566 --> 00:20:50,327
Someone put the idea
of free wellies in my head
and now I can't get rid of them.
411
00:20:50,328 --> 00:20:55,446
All I can see now, you know, is just
wellies, you know, wellies, wellies,
412
00:20:55,447 --> 00:20:56,926
wellies.
413
00:20:56,927 --> 00:20:58,567
Wellies.
414
00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:01,647
Wellies.
415
00:21:04,207 --> 00:21:06,327
Let's vox some pops.
416
00:21:07,527 --> 00:21:08,566
You!
417
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:11,367
What are the candidates'
positions on crime?
418
00:21:11,368 --> 00:21:13,766
Largely against it.
419
00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:16,606
Crime is a cancer in Broughty Ferry.
420
00:21:16,607 --> 00:21:18,686
Hear, hear!
421
00:21:18,687 --> 00:21:23,766
And, if elected, I will work
tirelessly, tirelessly,
with the police
422
00:21:23,767 --> 00:21:27,525
and local community groups,
to cut this cancer
out of our lives for ever.
423
00:21:27,526 --> 00:21:28,687
Thank you very much.
424
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:33,886
How does that get a clap?
425
00:21:33,887 --> 00:21:36,087
Ask it!
Do you support gay marriage?
426
00:21:36,088 --> 00:21:38,206
Absolutely.
Of course.
427
00:21:38,207 --> 00:21:44,006
200%. I always say, when you
look at what men have to
go through with women,
428
00:21:44,007 --> 00:21:47,405
if some of those brave men one day
should turn round and decide,
429
00:21:47,406 --> 00:21:50,245
"That's it,
I've just had it with the skirt.
430
00:21:50,246 --> 00:21:53,565
"I'm going to hang about with other
men and have a laugh, and maybe,
431
00:21:53,566 --> 00:21:57,647
"maybe every so often,
after one or two many drinks,
we'll have a quick cuddle,"
432
00:21:57,648 --> 00:22:01,526
well, then, for me,
that's absolutely just about fine.
433
00:22:01,527 --> 00:22:03,006
And lesbians?
434
00:22:03,007 --> 00:22:05,606
An urban myth.
435
00:22:05,607 --> 00:22:08,325
Not too popular with the audience
there.
436
00:22:08,326 --> 00:22:09,567
Oh, forget that lot.
437
00:22:09,568 --> 00:22:11,086
Boo!
438
00:22:11,087 --> 00:22:14,085
We shouldn't be talking to this mob
anyway, they're not Broughty Ferry
folk.
439
00:22:14,086 --> 00:22:16,365
Bob, the entire audience
are Broughty Ferry voters.
440
00:22:16,366 --> 00:22:19,567
All right, all right. Hands up all
those from Broughty Ferry.
441
00:22:22,727 --> 00:22:24,006
Bollocks.
442
00:22:24,007 --> 00:22:28,086
Moving on, Mr Edwards, gay marriage?
443
00:22:28,087 --> 00:22:32,485
What I want to say is this,
it doesn't matter
who is getting married,
444
00:22:32,486 --> 00:22:35,967
you won't find a more beautiful
place to do it than Broughty Ferry.
445
00:22:35,968 --> 00:22:37,606
Aw!
Now, Anders,
446
00:22:37,607 --> 00:22:40,967
I would like to talk about business.
I want Broughty Ferry
447
00:22:40,968 --> 00:22:43,606
to be a beacon of industry,
448
00:22:43,607 --> 00:22:47,767
a diamond, if you will,
in the recession's rough.
449
00:22:49,607 --> 00:22:54,926
Mrs Edwards, your husband is about
to get egg all over his lovely face.
450
00:22:54,927 --> 00:22:56,246
But business...
451
00:22:56,247 --> 00:22:59,086
But business has to be born.
452
00:22:59,087 --> 00:23:00,807
It has to be...
453
00:23:02,127 --> 00:23:03,326
created.
454
00:23:03,327 --> 00:23:06,647
And I want Broughty Ferry
to be a maternity ward
455
00:23:06,648 --> 00:23:11,206
full... of beautiful...
456
00:23:11,207 --> 00:23:12,926
business...
457
00:23:12,927 --> 00:23:14,086
babies.
458
00:23:14,087 --> 00:23:15,247
Mr Servant.
459
00:23:16,807 --> 00:23:20,246
A vote for Nick Edwards
is a vote...
460
00:23:20,247 --> 00:23:22,287
for prosperity. Bob.
461
00:23:23,487 --> 00:23:29,367
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it would
seem like I have an admirer.
462
00:23:30,687 --> 00:23:35,207
Still, the New Statesman
did say that I had a
certain magnetic quality.
463
00:23:35,208 --> 00:23:38,967
So, er... back to selling
cheeseburgers, I think.
464
00:23:41,167 --> 00:23:42,727
Is that a laughter track?
465
00:23:42,728 --> 00:23:43,806
No.
466
00:23:43,807 --> 00:23:45,645
As I was saying, ladies and
gentlemen,
467
00:23:45,646 --> 00:23:49,965
I know the value of employment.
That was like watching someone
drown.
468
00:23:49,966 --> 00:23:52,847
A vote for Nick Edwards
is a vote for business.
469
00:23:56,007 --> 00:23:58,526
I know what it is to be employed,
470
00:23:58,527 --> 00:23:59,847
I was brought up in a very...
471
00:23:59,848 --> 00:24:02,806
Bob!
..humble townhouse in Shropshire.
472
00:24:02,807 --> 00:24:05,846
Bob!
473
00:24:05,847 --> 00:24:08,966
Braveheart!
..A non-executive director
474
00:24:08,967 --> 00:24:10,687
on a series of FTSE 250 companies...
475
00:24:10,688 --> 00:24:14,406
And what about Scotland?
Sorry?
476
00:24:14,407 --> 00:24:18,245
You are all standing there
with your policies, your notes
and your lovely hair,
477
00:24:18,246 --> 00:24:19,525
and there's a question that keeps
478
00:24:19,526 --> 00:24:21,765
going round and round in my head
like a trapped parrot -
479
00:24:21,766 --> 00:24:23,327
what's Scotland getting out of this?
480
00:24:23,328 --> 00:24:25,926
My party has always supported
self...
481
00:24:25,927 --> 00:24:29,807
I'm not talking about policies, pal,
I'm talking about the people. Us.
482
00:24:29,808 --> 00:24:31,326
The oppressed.
483
00:24:31,327 --> 00:24:34,206
Always have been and always will be.
484
00:24:34,207 --> 00:24:35,685
We're like the Red Indians.
485
00:24:35,686 --> 00:24:37,407
How exactly are you oppressed?
486
00:24:37,408 --> 00:24:39,046
OK, OK.
487
00:24:39,047 --> 00:24:43,967
Answer me this, how come Cilla Black
got that Blind Date job and not Lulu?
488
00:24:43,968 --> 00:24:46,366
Did Lulu apply?
489
00:24:46,367 --> 00:24:48,926
She shouldn't have to apply.
490
00:24:48,927 --> 00:24:50,086
Hear, hear!
491
00:24:50,087 --> 00:24:54,446
And why were The Krankies
not invited to play at Band Aid?
492
00:24:54,447 --> 00:24:56,367
Oh, but can The Krankies sing,
is the question?!
493
00:24:57,567 --> 00:24:59,327
Can they sing?!
494
00:25:00,407 --> 00:25:05,606
And why, why when you divided up
Britain, did you give us the top bit?
495
00:25:05,607 --> 00:25:08,606
Exactly!
That clearly wasn't our decision.
496
00:25:08,607 --> 00:25:12,285
Oh, I bet you had a right laugh
at that one, didn't you?
497
00:25:12,286 --> 00:25:15,005
Sitting down there,
drinking your pina coladas.
498
00:25:15,006 --> 00:25:17,207
While we're up here
freezing our balls off.
499
00:25:18,527 --> 00:25:20,165
Well, I'll tell you, pal.
500
00:25:20,166 --> 00:25:21,767
I'll tell you what England's like.
501
00:25:21,768 --> 00:25:28,526
England is like a big brother
who borrows your snazziest shoes,
goes ten pin bowling,
502
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:30,966
forgets to change his shoes back,
503
00:25:30,967 --> 00:25:34,045
comes home with the ten pin bowling
shoes and says,
504
00:25:34,046 --> 00:25:38,447
"Oh, well, it looks as if
you'd better become a
ten pin bowling fan
505
00:25:38,448 --> 00:25:40,967
"whether you like it or not."
506
00:25:42,327 --> 00:25:45,126
Well, here's the headlines,
Mr Edwards.
507
00:25:45,127 --> 00:25:48,726
We don't want to be ten pin bowlers,
do we?
508
00:25:48,727 --> 00:25:49,926
No!
509
00:25:49,927 --> 00:25:52,327
Ladies and gentlemen of Broughty
Ferry, let's send England a message
510
00:25:52,328 --> 00:25:54,086
they'll never forget.
511
00:25:54,087 --> 00:25:56,445
Let's tell them
that they can forget their cricket,
512
00:25:56,446 --> 00:25:58,365
their fajitas and their Roger Moore.
513
00:25:58,366 --> 00:26:01,287
We'll have the football,
the cheeseburgers
514
00:26:01,288 --> 00:26:06,967
and Sean Connery coming oot
from under the water in his
tiny little bikini.
515
00:26:08,967 --> 00:26:11,565
So, Mr Edwards,
you go back down there
516
00:26:11,566 --> 00:26:14,207
and you tell the Prime Minister
that we've had enough.
517
00:26:15,527 --> 00:26:19,685
Tell him that the people
of Broughty Ferry will not
be pushed around any more.
518
00:26:19,686 --> 00:26:23,845
Tell him, tell him,
tell him that when the people
of Broughty Ferry want to go
519
00:26:23,846 --> 00:26:26,687
to the toilet, they will go
to the toilet any time they want.
520
00:26:28,287 --> 00:26:33,367
And tell him, tell him, tell him
to give us back the Falklands!
521
00:27:07,858 --> 00:27:17,894
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
522
00:27:19,207 --> 00:27:21,406
Oh, Beatlemania, Frank!
523
00:27:21,407 --> 00:27:24,446
Beatle-fucking-mania!
39518
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