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1
00:00:14,629 --> 00:00:17,629
Well, folks, it's all eyes
on Broughty Ferry,
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00:00:17,856 --> 00:00:19,954
with just two weeks
to the by-election.
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00:00:19,955 --> 00:00:21,456
Joining us in Scotland At One
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00:00:21,530 --> 00:00:23,768
is Nick Edwards, described by some
5
00:00:23,769 --> 00:00:26,328
as a Westminster star
in the making. Nick.
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00:00:26,329 --> 00:00:30,128
Well, actually, Sally, I don't really
care about Westminster.
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00:00:30,129 --> 00:00:33,768
I only care about Broughty Ferry.
I want to be king of that castle.
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00:00:33,769 --> 00:00:37,488
- I just hope I'm given the chance.
- And in terms of your policies?
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00:00:37,489 --> 00:00:40,768
- Mm. Well, I... Oh, for Christ's
sake... - We're filming!
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00:00:40,769 --> 00:00:44,810
Good morning, er... I'm the campaign
manager for Bob Servant, independent.
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00:00:44,811 --> 00:00:47,729
We're launching a media extravaganza
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00:00:47,730 --> 00:00:50,088
and I wondered
if you'd like to speak to Bob next.
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00:00:50,089 --> 00:00:53,728
Cos having Bob on your show
would wow the folks at home
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00:00:53,729 --> 00:00:55,328
because he's... he's handsome
15
00:00:55,329 --> 00:00:59,048
and he... I tell you, he can turn out
stories like hot cross buns.
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00:00:59,049 --> 00:01:00,850
We're actually doing an interview...
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00:01:00,851 --> 00:01:05,129
However, you're not allowed
to show Bob's mouth moving,
18
00:01:05,130 --> 00:01:07,728
but then get someone else
to say daft stuff
19
00:01:07,729 --> 00:01:09,728
and make it look like
Bob's saying it.
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00:01:09,729 --> 00:01:13,850
Like when that dog said "Sausages"
on Tomorrow's World, you know?
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00:01:13,851 --> 00:01:14,890
Mm-hm?
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00:01:20,439 --> 00:01:28,686
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
23
00:01:28,770 --> 00:01:30,130
Hey, Georgie!
24
00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:48,088
- Mr Edwards, thank you very much.
- Thank you, Sally. Thank you.
25
00:01:48,089 --> 00:01:50,090
- It's for the lunchtime bulletin,
yeah? - Yeah.
26
00:01:50,091 --> 00:01:52,769
- Thanks.
- Nice to meet you.
27
00:01:52,770 --> 00:01:55,570
Have you not done telly before, pal.
You looked a bit nervy.
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00:01:55,578 --> 00:01:56,936
I've done a fair bit.
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00:01:56,937 --> 00:01:59,296
Three Question Times,
a couple of Andy Marrs. You?
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Absolutely.
There was a table tennis marathon
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00:02:02,217 --> 00:02:05,658
in the town hall for Children
In Need. I was in the crowd.
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00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:08,858
But apparently I had
real stage presence.
33
00:02:09,938 --> 00:02:12,296
Well, we've got
a long day of interviews, so...
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00:02:12,297 --> 00:02:13,778
Good luck with the table tennis.
35
00:02:15,098 --> 00:02:18,537
He wasn't playing,
he was in the crowd.
36
00:02:18,538 --> 00:02:21,898
Bob Servant, independent,
standing in the by-election.
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00:02:21,899 --> 00:02:24,217
- Right.
- Can we do a wee chat?
38
00:02:24,218 --> 00:02:26,656
Local face to thrill
the folks back home.
39
00:02:26,657 --> 00:02:29,538
We just need a few quick shots
of the river and then we're done.
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00:02:29,539 --> 00:02:31,817
Ha! Come with us.
41
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:35,616
What did I tell you?
Best view in Broughty Ferry.
Seeing as you're here,
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00:02:35,617 --> 00:02:37,618
we might as well do a wee interview.
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00:02:37,619 --> 00:02:38,977
Five minutes.
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00:02:38,978 --> 00:02:43,057
Deal. Standard chat show drill -
I tell an anecdote,
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00:02:43,058 --> 00:02:46,416
we have a wee laugh, you make fun of
me, but in a way that shows
you respect me.
46
00:02:46,417 --> 00:02:48,498
Just, you know... the by-election.
47
00:02:48,499 --> 00:02:50,617
Fine. Eyes on the prize.
48
00:02:50,618 --> 00:02:55,257
Oh, can we blur out the extension?
I don't want copycats.
49
00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:57,496
- I think you'll be OK.
- Well, put it this way,
50
00:02:57,497 --> 00:03:00,698
if next week some boy in EastEnders
has an extension like mine,
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00:03:00,699 --> 00:03:04,577
I'll be the guy on the London train
wi' a sledgehammer.
52
00:03:04,578 --> 00:03:06,656
Broughty Ferry breakfasts all roond.
53
00:03:06,657 --> 00:03:09,898
- Breakfast? We really don't have
time. - Oh...
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00:03:09,899 --> 00:03:11,218
have a drink.
55
00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:12,499
A drink?
56
00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:14,699
Single measures in the morning.
57
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:17,019
Och, jee...
58
00:03:17,020 --> 00:03:18,420
It'll be 20 minutes max.
59
00:03:18,421 --> 00:03:21,899
Just a bit of a diversion,
we've got some... nut.
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00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:23,779
It's Colin, isn't it?
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00:03:23,780 --> 00:03:24,819
Yes.
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00:03:24,820 --> 00:03:27,740
Tiny little batteries
you've got there, Colin.
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00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,619
I suppose they are, yeah.
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00:03:29,620 --> 00:03:33,380
They're like the wee Coca-Cola cans
you get on the airplanes.
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00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:34,980
Right.
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00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:42,700
I was over at that Magaluf
a couple of year ago, you know?
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00:03:42,701 --> 00:03:45,739
People in the hotel
banged on about the ham
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00:03:45,740 --> 00:03:47,460
and how it tastes different,
you know.
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00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:51,980
I mean, I just says to them,
you know, "What do you expect?"
70
00:03:55,060 --> 00:03:58,939
I mean, seriously, what do you
expect?
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00:03:58,940 --> 00:04:00,220
Sorry, are you asking me?
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00:04:00,221 --> 00:04:03,620
You know, it's
a different country, you know?
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00:04:05,140 --> 00:04:07,260
Different ham.
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00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:11,420
Breakfast is in the post.
75
00:04:16,260 --> 00:04:20,059
Oh, feel free to CGI in
something behind me.
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00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:21,500
- We'll...
- A jungle or something.
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00:04:21,501 --> 00:04:24,139
- Are we going?
- Vine-y.
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00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:25,500
So, why are you standing?
79
00:04:27,540 --> 00:04:29,580
Why is Bob Servant standing?
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00:04:30,580 --> 00:04:33,859
I see myself like a horse.
81
00:04:33,860 --> 00:04:36,099
I've got a few parasites on me
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00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:39,780
and there are a few people
wanting to take me for a ride,
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00:04:39,781 --> 00:04:42,299
and maybe there are a few
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00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:45,540
trying to send me to the glue
factory, but I'm still oot there,
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00:04:45,541 --> 00:04:50,419
winning the Broughty Ferry Grand
National, jumping over the fences,
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00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:52,660
- waving at the punters.
- Are you the jockey or the horse?
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00:04:52,661 --> 00:04:53,739
The horse.
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00:04:53,740 --> 00:04:55,860
How would you wave?
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00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:00,499
With a tail?
90
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:03,499
Can we not have other voices off?
91
00:05:03,500 --> 00:05:06,780
So, in a nutshell, why are you
standing in the by-election?
92
00:05:06,781 --> 00:05:10,379
Well, Sally, in a nutshell,
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00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:15,299
when I was a young man there was
a talent contest in Broughty Ferry.
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00:05:15,300 --> 00:05:20,060
You got the usual suspects,
you know, the jugglers,
the animal noises.
95
00:05:20,061 --> 00:05:24,579
But there was a little girl
who asked if she could sing.
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00:05:24,580 --> 00:05:25,900
She was a complete naebody.
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00:05:25,901 --> 00:05:33,019
She was nervous and she didn't have
what we in Broughty Ferry call
star quality.
98
00:05:33,020 --> 00:05:37,779
But that wee girl opened her mooth
and rainbows fell out.
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00:05:37,780 --> 00:05:41,340
She nearly took the roof
aff the town hall.
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00:05:43,340 --> 00:05:45,779
And do you know...?
101
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:49,900
Do you know who that little girl was?
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00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:53,659
It was...
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00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:56,659
- Annie Lennox.
- ...Annie Le...
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00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:58,539
What's wrong with you?
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00:05:58,540 --> 00:06:00,060
I'm-I'm sorry, Bob.
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00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:05,099
So, in a nutshell, Sally,
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00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:08,020
I want to be Annie Lennox.
108
00:06:17,620 --> 00:06:19,300
So, what's Timmy Mallett like?
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00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,819
You know, in-in-in real life.
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00:06:23,820 --> 00:06:26,260
- Can we get going?
- Let's just get this cut and sent.
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00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:29,219
OK, folks, it's sausage time.
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00:06:29,220 --> 00:06:30,460
We really need to go.
113
00:06:31,740 --> 00:06:34,698
But it's the traditional
Broughty Ferry breakfast.
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00:06:34,699 --> 00:06:36,940
- The sausage surprise.
- What's the surprise?
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00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,940
I think, just how many sausages
there are.
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00:06:41,941 --> 00:06:44,859
And this is in the lunchtime
bulletin?
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00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:46,380
If we can leave, yeah.
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00:06:47,380 --> 00:06:52,219
Well, Colin, it's been absolutely
terrific to meet you, all right?
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00:06:52,220 --> 00:06:53,700
All right.
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00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:01,939
On the telly, Bob.
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00:07:01,940 --> 00:07:03,898
That's the media sorted, Frank.
122
00:07:03,899 --> 00:07:05,860
Even the boo boys
can't argue with TV.
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00:07:05,861 --> 00:07:07,219
Let them try.
124
00:07:07,220 --> 00:07:09,619
You know, Frank, people respect TV.
125
00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:12,458
I mean, I know it's all changed
with celebrity culture
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00:07:12,459 --> 00:07:15,220
and everyone wants to have their
nipples pierced and get on
Crimewatch.
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00:07:15,221 --> 00:07:19,019
But there's something magical
about TV, Frank.
128
00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:20,979
And you know why?
129
00:07:20,980 --> 00:07:25,979
Because no-one really knows
how a TV works.
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00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:27,779
- Guilty.
- Yep.
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00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:32,500
Once you're on TV,
everybody gives you respect.
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00:07:35,620 --> 00:07:36,819
Come in.
133
00:07:36,820 --> 00:07:39,260
Margo, you've got a visitor.
134
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:42,459
What the hell have you done?
135
00:07:42,460 --> 00:07:43,699
Hello, Ma.
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00:07:43,700 --> 00:07:45,978
Don't you "Hello, Ma" me,
Robert Servant.
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00:07:45,979 --> 00:07:48,978
What's this politics stuff
everyone's going on about?
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00:07:48,979 --> 00:07:50,420
You'll see in a minute.
139
00:07:50,421 --> 00:07:52,499
Francis, what's he done?
140
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:54,819
Mrs Servant, if I may,
141
00:07:54,820 --> 00:08:00,499
our political campaign is going
as successfully as your
wonderful cardigan.
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00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:03,899
Oh, Francis, always the charmer.
143
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,698
- How are you feeling, Ma?
- I'm awful.
144
00:08:05,699 --> 00:08:09,258
Now, where's this girlfriend,
or have you scared her off already?
145
00:08:09,259 --> 00:08:11,260
No, no, no, no,
she's still in favour.
146
00:08:11,261 --> 00:08:12,939
And this one's a pilot?
147
00:08:12,940 --> 00:08:15,900
- Uh-huh.
- Well, where is she?
148
00:08:17,740 --> 00:08:20,299
Up there... somewhere.
149
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:24,180
You know, Ma, sometimes I think
she loves that plane
mair than she loves me.
150
00:08:24,181 --> 00:08:27,619
But she disnae.
She loves me more than the plane.
151
00:08:27,620 --> 00:08:29,538
It doesn't do a couple good
to be apart
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00:08:29,539 --> 00:08:31,418
- all the time.
- We keep in touch.
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00:08:31,419 --> 00:08:34,818
She does that thing
where you write messages in the sky.
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00:08:34,819 --> 00:08:38,820
I mean, I'll be out for a walk,
she'll fly past, beep her horn
and write,
155
00:08:38,821 --> 00:08:42,219
"Oi, Bob, don't you go talking
to other women
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00:08:42,220 --> 00:08:46,180
"or I'll come down there,
land this plane and knock you out."
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00:08:46,181 --> 00:08:48,179
She's joking, of course.
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00:08:48,180 --> 00:08:50,138
I mean, she's no' a vigilante.
159
00:08:50,139 --> 00:08:52,540
And how much did you spend
on the extension in the end?
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00:08:52,541 --> 00:08:54,379
Oh, well...
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00:08:54,380 --> 00:08:56,339
it was a calculated risk.
162
00:08:56,340 --> 00:09:00,979
Oh, Robert, you rush into things,
you don't think things through.
163
00:09:00,980 --> 00:09:02,178
Oh, really? Oh, really?
164
00:09:02,179 --> 00:09:06,820
OK. Well, let's see what happened
when I rushed into politics,
shall we?
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00:09:06,821 --> 00:09:07,860
Aye.
166
00:09:11,020 --> 00:09:13,500
- That's Broughty Ferry!
- So it is!
167
00:09:14,540 --> 00:09:15,939
He's handsome.
168
00:09:15,940 --> 00:09:18,540
Also standing in the by-election
is local man...
169
00:09:18,541 --> 00:09:20,459
- Robert!
- ...Bob Servant.
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00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,699
I see myself like a horse.
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00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:24,459
I wanna be Annie Lennox.
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00:09:24,460 --> 00:09:26,380
It's sausage time!
173
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:33,859
By-election candidate there...
Brian Servant.
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00:09:33,860 --> 00:09:35,179
Now the weather.
175
00:09:35,180 --> 00:09:37,098
A very good afternoon to you.
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00:09:37,099 --> 00:09:39,180
Already seeing showers developing
across Scotland...
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00:09:39,181 --> 00:09:41,299
Oh, Robert...
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00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:43,540
That said, though,
there will be some decent...
179
00:09:46,860 --> 00:09:50,499
- Where did you meet this pilot, Bob?
- Pilot?
180
00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:54,579
Oh, Frank! We've got
bigger concerns than that.
181
00:09:54,580 --> 00:09:57,300
Now, let's assess the damage.
182
00:09:58,860 --> 00:10:01,980
- What can I get you, lads?
- A couple of pints, please, Stewpot.
183
00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:10,898
How's the Annie Lennox thing
coming along, then?
184
00:10:10,899 --> 00:10:12,380
They twisted my words.
185
00:10:12,381 --> 00:10:14,420
Right... Right.
186
00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:20,539
You did say,
"I want to be Annie Lennox," though?
187
00:10:20,540 --> 00:10:23,539
- It was a simile.
- Oh!
188
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,260
OK.
189
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:30,820
- How's life as a horse?
- Simile!
190
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:33,979
It's sausage time!
191
00:10:33,980 --> 00:10:37,018
These googly-eyes as well! Whoo-hoo!
And his moustache!
192
00:10:37,019 --> 00:10:39,180
I know! He looks like a fat walrus.
Whoo-oo!
193
00:10:39,181 --> 00:10:40,820
What a total bell-end.
194
00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:47,138
- I'm under pressure, Frank.
- Terrible pressure.
195
00:10:47,139 --> 00:10:50,500
I feel like that wee boy in Holland
wi' his penis in the dam.
196
00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:54,540
- They've made us look stupid.
- Particularly you.
197
00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:58,459
Frank, if we lose the media,
198
00:10:58,460 --> 00:11:00,019
the game's over.
199
00:11:00,020 --> 00:11:02,338
Those people can make or break you.
200
00:11:02,339 --> 00:11:04,220
Look what they've done to asylum
seekers.
201
00:11:04,221 --> 00:11:05,379
Or Cherry Coke.
202
00:11:05,380 --> 00:11:06,458
Oh, it's brutal.
203
00:11:06,459 --> 00:11:07,858
It's like the chip shops.
204
00:11:07,859 --> 00:11:10,058
Remember, when we started
the burger vans,
205
00:11:10,059 --> 00:11:13,178
and the chip shop people
spoke to their friends in the media?
206
00:11:13,179 --> 00:11:15,420
And it was "health and safety" this,
"meat of unclear origin" that.
207
00:11:15,421 --> 00:11:16,539
I do, yes.
208
00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:18,298
And then we got the media along
209
00:11:18,299 --> 00:11:21,298
and you sat down, ate our entire
stock in front of them.
210
00:11:21,299 --> 00:11:22,460
Worst day of my life.
211
00:11:22,461 --> 00:11:24,379
Physically, yes.
212
00:11:24,380 --> 00:11:26,418
But as a business,
it set us on our way.
213
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,098
Couldnae feel my hands
for three days.
214
00:11:28,099 --> 00:11:30,698
You see, that's what we need, Frank.
We need to strike back.
215
00:11:30,699 --> 00:11:32,538
I'm no' eating that stuff again, Bob.
216
00:11:32,539 --> 00:11:35,660
Forget about the telly!
I'm gonna have a press conference!
217
00:11:35,661 --> 00:11:38,899
And we'll have it right here!
218
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:40,859
- Here?
- Perfect place.
219
00:11:40,860 --> 00:11:43,858
It shows me as someone
who's obviously better than other
people
220
00:11:43,859 --> 00:11:45,298
but is happy to pretend he's no'.
221
00:11:45,299 --> 00:11:47,858
Like the time the Queen
went on Total Wipeout.
222
00:11:47,859 --> 00:11:50,900
- I'm still no' sure that was her,
Bob. - Stewpot!
223
00:11:52,140 --> 00:11:53,380
Great news!
224
00:11:59,860 --> 00:12:01,660
Not exactly a full house, Frank.
225
00:12:01,661 --> 00:12:03,379
It was short notice, Bob.
226
00:12:03,380 --> 00:12:05,419
But they're all A-list.
227
00:12:05,420 --> 00:12:07,459
Now, you be careful, Frank.
228
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:08,980
That lot are like a pack of wolves.
229
00:12:08,981 --> 00:12:10,819
If I don't win them over...
230
00:12:10,820 --> 00:12:12,500
they'll listen to my phone calls,
231
00:12:12,501 --> 00:12:14,219
hack into our tellies,
232
00:12:14,220 --> 00:12:16,380
and take topless photos of us
while we're asleep.
233
00:12:16,381 --> 00:12:18,379
Topless?! From the back?
234
00:12:18,380 --> 00:12:20,220
From the front.
235
00:12:22,140 --> 00:12:23,420
Service!
236
00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:30,379
This evening...
237
00:12:30,380 --> 00:12:33,140
I will be sleeping on my front.
238
00:12:42,660 --> 00:12:44,620
No, no. Don't get up, folks.
239
00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:55,780
Lovely.
240
00:13:01,020 --> 00:13:03,339
Sorry, Stewpot, pal.
241
00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:04,978
You're in my eye line there.
242
00:13:04,979 --> 00:13:07,100
It's a bit off-putting. Could you...?
243
00:13:14,180 --> 00:13:15,260
Bit more, please.
244
00:13:23,180 --> 00:13:24,220
Bit more!
245
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:31,499
That's us!
246
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:32,859
Right, you lot,
247
00:13:32,860 --> 00:13:35,258
open your briefcases,
take out your fountain pens,
248
00:13:35,259 --> 00:13:39,260
because I'm gonna give you
an exclusive peek
through the Bob curtain.
249
00:13:39,261 --> 00:13:42,939
Bill Wood, Broughty Bugle.
250
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:44,658
I'm still trying to figure out
251
00:13:44,659 --> 00:13:47,778
- this whole Annie Lennox situation.
- Non-story!
252
00:13:47,779 --> 00:13:48,820
Fish and chip wrappers.
253
00:13:48,821 --> 00:13:50,939
- Yes, I know, but...
- Look,
254
00:13:50,940 --> 00:13:52,378
get one thing straight.
255
00:13:52,379 --> 00:13:53,540
I don't need the media.
256
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:56,699
Traditionally,
I do my work through whispers,
257
00:13:56,700 --> 00:13:59,619
but there's nae harm
in getting you lot
258
00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:02,020
to send out what I would call
secondary whispers.
259
00:14:02,021 --> 00:14:05,419
I mean, I know it's unfashionable
to say this,
260
00:14:05,420 --> 00:14:07,659
but I actually trust you lot.
261
00:14:07,660 --> 00:14:10,299
Maggie Johnston, Carnoustie Enquirer.
262
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:14,780
What particular behavioural patterns
do you feel you share with a horse?
263
00:14:14,781 --> 00:14:16,699
As I was saying...
264
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:19,099
I trust you lot.
265
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,378
I certainly trust you a lot mair
than that telly mob.
266
00:14:21,379 --> 00:14:24,220
They beg you for an interview
then shoot you in the balls.
267
00:14:24,221 --> 00:14:27,379
So, let's work together here, huh?
268
00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:31,619
Hmm? I'll gie you some dynamite
to sprinkle in your stories,
269
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:34,940
and tomorrow, when the readers
open their papers...
270
00:14:34,941 --> 00:14:36,660
Bangity-boom-bang!
271
00:14:37,820 --> 00:14:39,980
They'll be blown to smithereens.
272
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:43,820
Two more pints, please, Stewpot.
273
00:14:49,740 --> 00:14:52,940
That's me about to pull the trigger
on a new bathroom.
274
00:14:54,420 --> 00:14:55,699
OK...
275
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:57,940
Are you a bathroom fan?
276
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:00,660
No.
277
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,020
I tell you, Stewpot...
278
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:07,380
get yoursel' a good bathroom,
279
00:15:07,381 --> 00:15:09,100
you're halfway there.
280
00:15:11,260 --> 00:15:13,860
I use mine as a panic room.
281
00:15:15,620 --> 00:15:19,098
So if the Zulus had just attacked
the compound from one side,
282
00:15:19,099 --> 00:15:22,458
rather than a pincer movement,
it would have been over in minutes...
283
00:15:22,459 --> 00:15:24,498
and the movie would never have been
made.
284
00:15:24,499 --> 00:15:26,420
Does that answer your question?
285
00:15:26,421 --> 00:15:28,260
Not in any way.
286
00:15:29,820 --> 00:15:32,139
- Hey, you.
- Jimmy Walker,
287
00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:34,300
Broughty Ferry Bus Fans
By-Monthly Newsletter.
288
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:35,699
Who?
289
00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:38,059
What is your favourite bus route?
290
00:15:38,060 --> 00:15:39,418
Number 26 to Fintry.
291
00:15:39,419 --> 00:15:40,738
Best atmosphere in town!
292
00:15:40,739 --> 00:15:42,100
OK, down to business.
293
00:15:42,101 --> 00:15:43,619
Let's talk politics.
294
00:15:43,620 --> 00:15:46,339
Um... this Annie Lennox act,
295
00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:48,818
- is it a Dame Edna kind of thing?
- Listen!
296
00:15:48,819 --> 00:15:51,778
I admire the woman,
she's got the lungs of a dolphin,
297
00:15:51,779 --> 00:15:53,738
but I don't want to be Annie Lennox.
298
00:15:53,739 --> 00:15:56,098
- That's too much pressure.
- Oh, I could handle the pressure.
299
00:15:56,099 --> 00:15:58,978
- Big crowds, long tours?
- Aye, you have to remember
all the words.
300
00:15:58,979 --> 00:16:02,938
Look, if I wanted to be Annie Lennox,
I could be Annie Lennox!
Don't write that down.
301
00:16:02,939 --> 00:16:06,258
We're mocking up a photo of you
as a horse. Any particular colour?
302
00:16:06,259 --> 00:16:10,298
- Black, white stripe down the nose.
- Do you know any funny bus stories?
303
00:16:10,299 --> 00:16:11,900
Thousands. This is ridiculous!
304
00:16:11,901 --> 00:16:14,899
I'm a serious candidate!
305
00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:17,018
I mean, you wouldn't treat the
Edwards like this, would you?
306
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:19,060
Your favourite bus story, though.
307
00:16:20,540 --> 00:16:23,738
1994, number 17 to Stobswell.
There was a guy on the bus
308
00:16:23,739 --> 00:16:25,018
looked exactly like Nigel Mansell,
309
00:16:25,019 --> 00:16:26,498
and I said, "If you were
driving the bus,
310
00:16:26,499 --> 00:16:29,580
"we'd be home before we knew it."
Everybody laughed,
including the driver.
311
00:16:29,581 --> 00:16:31,979
Look, we're missing the point here!
312
00:16:31,980 --> 00:16:36,860
You need to tell your readers that
that stuff on the telly was nonsense!
313
00:16:36,861 --> 00:16:38,699
I am a serious candidate!
314
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:43,659
Well, so far in your campaign
you've announced two firm policies -
315
00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:46,659
that you would shoot dogs
316
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:49,539
and that you want to be Annie Lennox.
317
00:16:49,540 --> 00:16:52,018
To be blunt, that makes you sound
like a bit of a weirdo.
318
00:16:52,019 --> 00:16:54,460
- A weirdo?!
- Look, I'm sorry, Mr Servant,
319
00:16:54,461 --> 00:16:59,139
but you're running this shambolic
campaign with your brother...
320
00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:01,179
My brother?!
321
00:17:01,180 --> 00:17:03,778
And... well,
it's frankly very difficult
322
00:17:03,779 --> 00:17:06,580
- to take anything you say seriously.
- Fine!
323
00:17:06,581 --> 00:17:09,219
Fine. Fine, fine. Don't listen to me.
324
00:17:09,220 --> 00:17:11,299
I'll take you to meet someone,
325
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:14,258
someone who'll tell you about
the real Bob Servant
326
00:17:14,259 --> 00:17:16,180
- straight from the horse's mouth.
- Um...
327
00:17:16,181 --> 00:17:17,660
Not a real horse.
328
00:17:22,380 --> 00:17:23,620
Ma...
329
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:25,940
Ma...
330
00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:28,020
Ma...
331
00:17:29,020 --> 00:17:30,580
Ma-a-a...
332
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,300
Hello, Robert.
333
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:45,860
Oh, for fuck's sake.
334
00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:54,140
Do any of you lot know
Colin the cameraman?
335
00:17:56,420 --> 00:17:58,300
I tell you, a hell of a guy.
336
00:17:58,301 --> 00:18:00,420
Right, here we go.
337
00:18:03,340 --> 00:18:07,460
Mrs Servant, what are your thoughts
on Bob standing in the by-election?
338
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,059
Well, it's terrible.
339
00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:10,418
Terrible for the opposition.
340
00:18:10,419 --> 00:18:14,380
You know, what Mum would say
if she wasn't stuffed to the gills
with medication...
341
00:18:14,381 --> 00:18:16,619
I'm not on any medication.
342
00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:20,659
Is that I was a funny wee
caterpillar
343
00:18:20,660 --> 00:18:23,060
who used to get himself into scrapes,
344
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:27,259
but he'd burrow away
and, one way or another,
345
00:18:27,260 --> 00:18:31,780
that funny wee caterpillar turned
himself into a very successful swan.
346
00:18:31,781 --> 00:18:35,059
Absolute nonsense!
347
00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:37,060
- You're nonsense.
- Right, then.
348
00:18:37,061 --> 00:18:40,099
I'll take one question
for the wee angel.
349
00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:41,220
We'll go with yoursel'.
350
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:45,619
- Favourite bus route?
- 26 to Fintry.
351
00:18:45,620 --> 00:18:47,218
Best atmosphere in town.
352
00:18:47,219 --> 00:18:48,620
Right, folks, that's your lot.
353
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:53,058
- The wee angel must sleep.
- Oh, for Christ's sake!
354
00:18:53,059 --> 00:18:55,458
Do you think your son
can win this by-election?
355
00:18:55,459 --> 00:18:56,860
- Of course she does.
- No!
356
00:18:56,861 --> 00:18:59,539
- What?
- Robert fills his time
357
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:00,900
with nonsense like this.
358
00:19:00,901 --> 00:19:02,779
He's just... lonely.
359
00:19:02,780 --> 00:19:05,179
Lonely?! Anything but.
360
00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:09,659
Yes, Robert, lonely. I know
you've got Francis, your best pal...
361
00:19:09,660 --> 00:19:13,538
- He's top five.
- ...but you get bored,
your mind wanders,
362
00:19:13,539 --> 00:19:15,540
next thing, you come up with
something like this.
363
00:19:15,541 --> 00:19:18,339
So... you're saying what?
364
00:19:18,340 --> 00:19:20,979
That he's a bit of a show-off?
365
00:19:20,980 --> 00:19:23,298
- I beg your pardon?
- Here we go.
366
00:19:23,299 --> 00:19:26,338
Your son - he's clearly
an attention-seeker.
367
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:30,218
- Don't you speak about Robert like
that! - You've poked the bear now.
368
00:19:30,219 --> 00:19:31,780
Who do you think you are?
369
00:19:31,781 --> 00:19:34,659
- I'm...
- Don't you dare come in here
370
00:19:34,660 --> 00:19:36,018
and call Robert names.
371
00:19:36,019 --> 00:19:38,500
People have been calling him names
his whole life!
372
00:19:38,501 --> 00:19:41,419
He's just a bit... different.
373
00:19:41,420 --> 00:19:43,019
He always has been.
374
00:19:43,020 --> 00:19:45,420
He wore a nappy till he was seven.
375
00:19:47,140 --> 00:19:48,539
Insurance.
376
00:19:48,540 --> 00:19:50,938
And he'd cry if the girls talked to
him.
377
00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:53,220
- It was a tactic.
- Oh, and the ideas,
378
00:19:53,221 --> 00:19:56,019
- always the ideas.
- OK, Mum.
379
00:19:56,020 --> 00:19:58,019
How he'd swim to Norway
380
00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:01,700
or invent a hairbrush which
shampooed your hair at the same time.
381
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,499
- The foam comb.
- Only the other week,
382
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,218
he thought the FBI were after him.
383
00:20:06,219 --> 00:20:08,380
I had a new postman.
It was very confusing.
384
00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:11,059
Oh, but forget all that.
385
00:20:11,060 --> 00:20:14,819
If Robert wants to have
a shot at the politics
386
00:20:14,820 --> 00:20:16,060
then why shouldn't he?
387
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:19,578
It can't be any dafter
than the next thing he'd think of.
388
00:20:19,579 --> 00:20:21,658
- There you go!
- And you can't stop
389
00:20:21,659 --> 00:20:24,380
someone trying the politics
just cos he's got
a head full of mince.
390
00:20:24,381 --> 00:20:27,179
Now, that's a poster.
391
00:20:27,180 --> 00:20:30,099
OK, OK, she's getting
a bit confused now.
392
00:20:30,100 --> 00:20:33,260
Come on, boys, that's your lot.
One photograph.
393
00:20:33,261 --> 00:20:35,339
Let's run wi'...
394
00:20:35,340 --> 00:20:39,460
"Local man's mum gives him
the big thumbs up."
395
00:20:47,860 --> 00:20:50,299
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,
396
00:20:50,300 --> 00:20:52,619
and welcome to Broughty Ferry
397
00:20:52,620 --> 00:20:54,620
or, as I like to think of it today,
398
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:56,499
the harbour of hope.
399
00:20:56,500 --> 00:21:00,100
Indeed, the port of peace.
A great philosopher once said...
400
00:21:00,101 --> 00:21:02,939
Look at him Frank. Look at him.
401
00:21:02,940 --> 00:21:05,378
He just thinks
he's the new Lenny Henry.
402
00:21:05,379 --> 00:21:08,858
And it's children
that we're here to talk about.
403
00:21:08,859 --> 00:21:11,100
Do you know what people love, Frank?
404
00:21:11,101 --> 00:21:12,299
Saucy films?
405
00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:13,819
Saucy films...
406
00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:15,100
and...?
407
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:19,460
Rescues.
408
00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:22,138
People love rescues.
409
00:21:22,139 --> 00:21:24,460
Even the media
can't get enough of them.
410
00:21:24,461 --> 00:21:26,059
Look at Dunkirk.
411
00:21:26,060 --> 00:21:28,860
Or them miners in Chile
that got stuck in that cupboard.
412
00:21:29,980 --> 00:21:31,179
Francis...
413
00:21:31,180 --> 00:21:34,979
let us give them a rescue.
414
00:21:34,980 --> 00:21:39,819
Adam, I look at Adam here,
and I think back
415
00:21:39,820 --> 00:21:41,420
to what I was doing at Adam's age...
416
00:21:41,421 --> 00:21:45,099
Sir Alex Ferguson, Bob Paisley
417
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:48,180
and a young 12-year-old body builder
from Fountainbridge
418
00:21:48,181 --> 00:21:49,819
called Sean Connery.
419
00:21:49,820 --> 00:21:54,979
I want these kids
to grow up in a Broughty Ferry
420
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,380
where they feel
they can shoot for the moon
421
00:21:57,381 --> 00:21:59,259
because it's up there
422
00:21:59,260 --> 00:22:01,940
where these little stars belong.
423
00:22:04,260 --> 00:22:06,259
Sweet Jesus!
424
00:22:06,260 --> 00:22:08,740
How the hell did he get up there?!
425
00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:19,778
We've got a jumper!
426
00:22:19,779 --> 00:22:24,020
Right, folks, right. We've got
a bit of a Chernobyl on our hands,
427
00:22:24,021 --> 00:22:25,979
but with a wee bit of magic
428
00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:28,899
I can turn this
into a good-news story.
429
00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:30,940
- We'd better call the police.
- Oh, no, no, no.
430
00:22:30,941 --> 00:22:32,299
I'll talk him down.
431
00:22:32,300 --> 00:22:33,979
He won't hear you.
432
00:22:33,980 --> 00:22:35,299
Right.
433
00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:36,539
Right.
434
00:22:36,540 --> 00:22:38,099
Oh...
435
00:22:38,100 --> 00:22:39,140
I wonder...
436
00:22:42,260 --> 00:22:43,540
if this might help.
437
00:22:45,460 --> 00:22:49,300
A big hello to the man on the roof!
438
00:22:50,500 --> 00:22:53,179
Good afternoon, everybody.
439
00:22:53,180 --> 00:22:56,059
My name is Trevor
440
00:22:56,060 --> 00:22:58,779
and I am terrifically sad.
441
00:22:58,780 --> 00:23:00,939
Textbook jumper talk.
442
00:23:00,940 --> 00:23:02,339
We don't know that.
443
00:23:02,340 --> 00:23:05,139
I feel like jumping off this castle
444
00:23:05,140 --> 00:23:09,380
and smashing myself to smithereens.
445
00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:12,419
Carry on, Trevor.
446
00:23:12,420 --> 00:23:14,299
My name is Trevor
447
00:23:14,300 --> 00:23:15,579
and I am sad
448
00:23:15,580 --> 00:23:18,859
because of the whole situation.
449
00:23:18,860 --> 00:23:21,979
I am the saddest man
in Broughty Ferry.
450
00:23:21,980 --> 00:23:25,579
My life is like a black hole
451
00:23:25,580 --> 00:23:29,899
that goes all the way down to
Australia.
452
00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:33,259
Could you tell us your surname,
please, Trevor?
453
00:23:33,260 --> 00:23:35,778
I don't think
Trevor knows his surname.
454
00:23:35,779 --> 00:23:37,380
How would he not know his surname?
455
00:23:37,381 --> 00:23:38,900
Oh, fine, fine.
456
00:23:40,100 --> 00:23:41,619
Trevor!
457
00:23:41,620 --> 00:23:43,939
Can you tell us your surname?
458
00:23:43,940 --> 00:23:45,780
Er...
459
00:23:47,100 --> 00:23:48,300
Colin.
460
00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:53,340
My name is Trevor Colin.
461
00:23:54,340 --> 00:23:55,500
Happy now?
462
00:23:56,900 --> 00:24:00,859
Well, Trevor,
I don't know if I can help you.
463
00:24:00,860 --> 00:24:03,339
I'm just an independent candidate
464
00:24:03,340 --> 00:24:07,379
trying to do my best
for Broughty Ferry.
465
00:24:07,380 --> 00:24:10,780
You seem to be someone
who will stand up for the little
guy...
466
00:24:10,781 --> 00:24:13,659
and also the big guy,
467
00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:18,299
because it's ridiculous
to say that little guys
468
00:24:18,300 --> 00:24:20,140
deserve all the breaks.
469
00:24:21,580 --> 00:24:24,699
Spot-on! You're spot-on there,
Trevor.
470
00:24:24,700 --> 00:24:27,260
Now I think it's time
we got you down.
471
00:24:28,620 --> 00:24:31,819
Now, Trevor,
it's reasonably important
472
00:24:31,820 --> 00:24:35,100
that you land quite close to the X.
473
00:24:36,540 --> 00:24:39,619
You know, Trevor, we all get sad...
474
00:24:39,620 --> 00:24:41,659
Hey! Hey! What's your game?
475
00:24:41,660 --> 00:24:43,978
And do you ever
get the feeling, Trevor,
476
00:24:43,979 --> 00:24:46,938
that the whole world
knows something you don't
477
00:24:46,939 --> 00:24:50,260
and you're just a silly little cog
in a big machine?
478
00:24:50,261 --> 00:24:53,259
I do, Mr Edwards, yes.
479
00:24:53,260 --> 00:24:56,259
Ignore him, please, Trevor!
480
00:24:56,260 --> 00:24:57,698
Have you ever wondered, Trevor,
481
00:24:57,699 --> 00:25:00,140
if you've made the wrong decisions
in life
482
00:25:00,141 --> 00:25:03,179
and that it's too late
to change them?
483
00:25:03,180 --> 00:25:05,939
Um... most mornings
484
00:25:05,940 --> 00:25:08,299
- and every night-time.
- Hey!
485
00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:09,780
Hey, I'm talking him down.
486
00:25:09,781 --> 00:25:13,339
Mm-hm. Trevor, I know what it's like
487
00:25:13,340 --> 00:25:16,140
to feel like
you're not in control of your life...
488
00:25:17,420 --> 00:25:19,178
but you know what, Trevor?
489
00:25:19,179 --> 00:25:20,660
You're in control now.
490
00:25:20,661 --> 00:25:24,459
- Look at all these people down here.
- No, Trevor!
491
00:25:24,460 --> 00:25:25,700
Don't look!
492
00:25:28,140 --> 00:25:29,459
Ohh!
493
00:25:29,460 --> 00:25:31,539
There's thousands of you.
494
00:25:31,540 --> 00:25:35,339
- Hang on, is that...?
- That's his brother.
495
00:25:35,340 --> 00:25:37,139
He's not my brother!
496
00:25:37,140 --> 00:25:39,459
It's his campaign manager.
497
00:25:39,460 --> 00:25:40,740
It could be a lookalike.
498
00:25:40,741 --> 00:25:45,140
That's a fitting end
to your... idiotic campaign.
499
00:25:48,660 --> 00:25:49,780
All right, all right.
500
00:25:49,781 --> 00:25:55,260
All right, folks. All right.
Let's go with, "Bob Servant
in an almost-rescue."
501
00:25:57,780 --> 00:26:01,820
"Bob does his best.
That's all anyone can ask."
502
00:26:07,020 --> 00:26:08,460
Ooh!
503
00:26:09,202 --> 00:26:11,681
"Hassle at the castle!"
504
00:26:12,633 --> 00:26:22,576
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
505
00:26:24,180 --> 00:26:25,820
Bob!
506
00:26:26,860 --> 00:26:28,299
Bob!
507
00:26:28,300 --> 00:26:32,260
I've got the most awful
pins and needles.
508
00:26:39,061 --> 00:26:40,539
Bob!
509
00:27:00,260 --> 00:27:02,739
Hello, Colin?
510
00:27:02,740 --> 00:27:05,540
It's... It's Frank,
from this morning.
511
00:27:06,860 --> 00:27:09,698
No, no, no. You didn't...
You didn't leave anything.
512
00:27:09,699 --> 00:27:12,380
No, no. I-I... I was...
I was just wondering, but...
513
00:27:12,381 --> 00:27:14,939
Och, look, it's... it's probably daft,
514
00:27:14,940 --> 00:27:20,779
but, er, the Broughty Bugle
are running a bus trip
to Alton Towers
515
00:27:20,780 --> 00:27:23,740
and I was, you know, I was just
wondering if you'd like to join me.
516
00:27:25,980 --> 00:27:27,420
She could come too.
517
00:27:29,500 --> 00:27:30,899
Well, look...
518
00:27:30,900 --> 00:27:33,379
Yep, OK. Listen, not to bother.
519
00:27:33,380 --> 00:27:36,340
Listen, I've...
I've got my swimming lessons anyway.
520
00:27:36,341 --> 00:27:37,379
OK.
521
00:27:37,380 --> 00:27:40,019
Yep. I'll see you later, pal. Bye.
522
00:27:40,020 --> 00:27:41,100
Bye.
39571
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