All language subtitles for American.Pie.Presents.Band.Camp.2005.eng

Hey, Stifler, how come Steve
got all the talent in your family?

Bite me, Fuck Face.

Come on,
man, you're missing it.

I've seen it a million times,
you fucking ass-booger.

Matt, Steve is
like a film making genius.

A true American hero.

The Tarantino of titties.

Yeah, there's just no way
you could ever be this good.

Hey, look, I'm going to prove
to Steve

that I'm up to the standards
of the Stiffmeister Productions.

After Steve sees
my directing talent,

little bro's joining the family
business. Is that what he said?

He finally called you back? No,
but I left him another message.

He'll get back to me.
It's only been three weeks.

Gentle-fucks, a toast. Tomorrow,
we begin our reign as seniors.

Okay, people,
let's take a break.

Remember, we play
this at the end of the ceremony

after Pomp and Circumstance.

I don't want anyone starting
the wrong song again.

Elyse, you need to
relax, girl. I'm fine.

I just... You know, it's my
first time up here, and...

Yeah, but it's graduation.
It ain't the Boston Pops.

This performance sets the
tone for our senior year. I mean...

Look, you just remember that
everybody here is pulling for you.

Dork. Dork. Dork.

Goose.

I like them feisty. What're
you doing here, Stifler?

We just want to say sayonara,
and let you fuck-necks know

we plan on winning
the state title

now that the Stiffmeister's
running the show.

Adios, butt-hugger. He's a
bigger asshole than his brother.

Holy shit, Arianna.

Matt, what're you
doing here?

Oh, we just want to make sure the
seniors have a very memorable last day.

That's cool. So,
there's a camp out tonight

and it's only for the grads,
but you could come.

Let me check my schedule.
Hell, yeah.

Bring your sleeping bag, in
case we decide to pitch a tent.

Check it out.
Perfect timing.

This is going to be classic.

Time to initiate
Operation Gradu-fuck-uation.

This is gonna be awesome.

Shit.
Oh, yeah! Jackpot!

Payback, seniors.

Don't get that pepper spray
on your hands.

A graduation
gift from the Stiffmeister.

Dude, we should've
sprayed the diplomas.

Sorry, bandies.

Bite my nuts and call me
Skippy. It's a Steely Dan.

A what? It's a
double-headed dildo.

It's a dildo. It's a dildo.

Holy shit.
It's even got a name.

Picardo.

Picardo?

Spray that shit.
Fuck, no. Finders keepers.

Okay, everybody,
Pomp and Circumstance.

Five-minute warning. Let's go.

The bandies.
Let's get out of here.

Matt? Leesy.

How they hanging?
Still small and perky, I see.

That's funny.

Yeah.

What're you doing here, Matt? I
just came by to wish you good luck.

You know, on the whole
music thing. Good luck?

You haven't said a word to me
since the eighth grade.

Yeah, and that tone of voice
is exactly the reason why.

So, I'm going to
take off now.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
rise to honor our graduates.

Douchebag's gonna miss it.

Oh, yes.

Are they crying?

Holy shit!

Yes!

Eat shit, seniors.

Yeah. Oh!

Stifler!

I've been waiting for
this moment for a very long time.

And now,
the day of reckoning has come.

Hello, Matthew.

Your brother must be
very proud.

You've continued his legacy.

Tormenting the innocent,

defiling all that is good
and pure.

But now, you're going down.

Ooh. What're you going to do,
expel me, Shermanator?

I am a sophisticated
counseling machine

sent back in time to guide
young and innocent minds.

My primary directive is to protect
the students of this institution

and all, indeed all mankind

from the menace
that is another Stifler.

Behavior modification
IS required.

It's not too late
to change your future.

No, expulsion
would be too easy.

Hmm.

I know the perfect punishment
to fit your crime.

Since you have so much trouble
with the band,

perhaps you should
make friends with them.

No fucking way.

Either you learn to be more
considerate or you will be expelled.

No football.

No parties.

No spring break.

No graduation.

No college.

No coeds.

Comprende?

Pack your bags, Stifler.

You're going to Band Camp.
Band Camp!

Bullshit, trash.

All right, Steve!
Valley Girls Gone Wild.

Fuck.

I told you Steve
would get back to me.

I mean,
it was just a postcard,

but it gave me a great idea.

Look...

Steve's shit-head friend,
Jim,

he married this freaking
nympho band-geek, Michelle.

And he said all they do
at Band Camp is screw 24/7.

Matt, buddy, you cannot screw
band chicks. There are standards.

I'm not talking about
screwing them, scrotum-breath.

I'm talking about
videotaping them.

People love to see dorks doing
that freaky shit on hidden video.

Bandeez Gone Wild? Steve's
gonna have some competition now

because little bro's
joining the family business.

Yeah, Spy Chest.

Secret Video.

Hell, yeah.

Color night vision?
I'll take it. Shit.

How about tomorrow?
This is going be great.

Welcome to Tall Oaks 2005.

Let's hear it
from Lloyd Memorial High.

L-L-O-Y-D!

L-L-O-Y-D!

- Mount St. Marie.
- Mount St. Marie!

Mount St. Marie!

East Great Falls High.

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

And five-time defending
Tall Oaks Cup Champion...

Beechwood Academy.

We're
number one! We're number one!

We're number one!

Okay, settle down.

Now, as you know,
each year

one senior Tall Oaks composer
is awarded

a full scholarship to the
prestigious Robards Conservatory.

Elyse, this
is your year to win.

This year, Dr. Susan Choi,
president of Robards,

will judge the compositions
herself.

And let's not forget to welcome
the Tall Oaks Camp Counselors.

If you visit our infirmary, Nurse
Sanders will take care of your every need.

Okay, so let's work hard,
and may the best band win.

You guys ready?

What the fuck?

Are you a rookie?
You look lost.

Are you an asshole? You're
hairy, and you smell like shit.

I'll, uh...

I'll ignore
that kind of talk once.

We don't speak that way here.

Rookies are to wear their beanies
at all times. Those are the rules.

And who made you
the mayor of Geek Town?

I'm Brandon Vandecamp, senior
drum major of Beechwood Academy

and the president
of the Tall Oaks Council.

Oh, and who are they, Mr. President?
The First Lady and Vice Pussy?

Suits you well.

Golly, jeepers, thanks. Hey, you know,
since I'm an official band geek and all,

can you guess what
my favorite piece of music is?

I have no idea.
The Nutcracker.

Step back, bitch.
Holy mother of Mozart.

This is bad.

You didn't know Jackie Chan was
in the house, did you boys, huh?

Stop that. Stop that now.

Those
knob-slobbers started it.

That's not true, sir. We simply
reminded him to wear his beanie.

And then he viciously
assaulted Brandon's genitals.

That's a lie, you dick-snot. Oscar,
Jimmy, escort this man to see

the Macro.
The what?

You're dead.
Now, gentlemen.

God, Brandon, are you okay?

You want to tell me what the
hell you're doing here, Stifler?

It don't matter, Big O.
He ain't gonna be here long.

Bitch! OSCAR: Get over here.

Macro gonna
fuck your ass up, fool.

What the fuck's a macro?
The Macro.

Morale And Conflict
Resolution Officer.

I heard this one time,
this kid went into that office

a baritone
and came out a soprano.

Clarinet up the ass
backwards, yo. What?

Pussies.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Frankenstein. Scary stuff.

I am just a Boris Karloff nut.

I'm the Macro, Mr. Levenstein.
Holy shit, you're Jim's dad.

He screwed that redheaded
nympho chick at my lake house.

Oh, my, you're not a Stifler?
Yeah, I'm Steve's brother, Matt.

There are two Stiflers? Yes,
sir. Hey, what're you doing here?

Oh, well, Jim is now out of
the house, married to Michelle,

that redheaded nympho chick
that you spoke of.

And, being a former Tall
Oaks Counselor of the Year,

she was hired to be the Macro
this summer, but she got pregnant.

No doubt due to the tendencies
you alluded to earlier.

And I have a great rapport
with young people...

...80 I
just stepped in and volunteered.

That cretin is not in our band, and
we are not responsible for his actions.

Who pissed in your piccolo?
I'm sensing some hostility here.

He poisoned my band.
What?

I'm the Macro and it's my job to
deal with... What is he doing here?

Matt Stifler is pure evil just
like his brother. ...conflict.

Thanks, Leesy.

She seems nice.

There are rules,
of course.

You will have to
wear a beanie. Yeah.

Oh, I know. It's a little
silly, but it's tradition here,

something you're familiar with,
being on the football team, I'm sure,

with your elephant walks and
circle jerks and drinking butt beer.

But here, you just have
to wear a silly little hat and

a somewhat stylish
Tall Oaks T-shirt. Yeah.

So, just go
with the flow, Matt,

and you will have
loads of fun

and you'll be making
new friends in no time.

Hey, Ernie Kaplowitz,
tenor sax.

Cool! I'm a rookie here, too.

I really wanted to come last year,
but Computer Camp conflicted, and...

Oh, yeah, that was here when I
arrived. I think it has your name on it.

What is it?

Hi, welcome to Casa de
Stifler. I'll be your host, Matt.

Every day here, I'll make it my
sincere goal not to have to kick your ass.

Allow me to show you
to your new accommodations.

When I'm out here,
you're in there.

Have a great day, fucko.

I don't...

Okay...

I'll just go ahead and
put this stuff away for you.

All right.
Bandy-vision.

This is a
1978 Ohio State show...

The Wizard Of Oz.

The one where the sousaphone
player forgot to dot the I? Oh, hey.

Yeah, right. Freaks.

Never fear,
the Stiffmeister's here.

Band Camp just got
a whole lot better, ladies.

You're Steve Stifler's
younger brother, aren't you?

Young and hung.
Great.

Could you send him
a message for me?

No problem, senorita.

Well, it looks like Steve gave
someone the old Stifler bang-and-boot.

Is there a problem here?
No, everything's fine.

Have fun at Band Camp.
Thank you, I will.

Later.
Word.

You need to start showing
some respect around here, Stifler.

You need to show yourself
back to your table, Big Dog.

Out of my way, yo.

Hola, chicas. Elyse, so
good to see you again.

So, what's going on tonight?
We gonna party, get a little crazy?

Who wants to rack up
a few frequent fucker miles?

You know, you are the most... Most
sexy man ever to come to Band Camp.

What? Chloe, he is so
obnoxious. Sexy obnoxious.

Thank you. I'm tired of
messing around with these

dorky-ass nice guys

and "sensitive-artist" types.

Let's party with a real hombre
tonight. Hell, yeah. That's me.

100% hombre. CHLOE:
All right, my room, 8:00.

Great first day, campers.
This is your Macro speaking

and, hey, morale couldn't have
been higher today.

So hop in the sack, and get
a good night's sleep because

starting tomorrow, we have many,
many exciting activities planned,

not the least of which is the
race for the Tall Oaks Cup.

So let the games begin.

Bandeez Gone Wild.
Scene One. Party hombre.

It's called Strip Trivia. We made
it up. It's a Band Camp tradition.

"Fourth and Long," "Sextuplets,"
"Banging Babes," and "Who Blew Me?"

This looks like my kind
of game. Shall we play?

You sit in the middle.
Your game, my seating chart.

Sit a little closer, ladies.

Don't be
scared. It's all right.

Okay...

The rules are simple. You
choose a category and a question

and every time you miss,
you strip.

Hell, yeah.

I'll go first. "Who Blew Me?"

Good.

I am a silver Stradivarius trumpet
played by a Pulitzer Prize winner.

Who blew me?

Yeah, like I'd know.

Sorry. Lose the shoes,
and pick again.

You didn't tell me
this shit was about music.

Well, it is Band Camp, moron.
Hey, to be fair,

maybe we should just
give him a head start.

All right. Yeah.

Okay, all right. All right.

What's wrong with you? Scared
to show off the mosquito bites?

I've matured since the
fourth grade, Matt. Have you?

Oh, I've got 10 pounds of
dangling maturity right here, Leesy.

Quit calling me that.
Okay, okay, moving on.

Matt, just pick
another question, please.

All right, screw it. Whatever.

There you go. Suck on that.

Fourth and Long.

Sure, no problem.

Of Beethoven's major symphonies,
which has the longest fourth movement?

All right,
I see where this is going.

Fine, you win.

I free ball, ladies.

Got to
let the big boys breathe.

All
right, we play by my rules now.

Football questions only.
Prepare to strip, ladies.

Wait. But first,
does anybody want a beer?

I do.

The counselors have a secret
stash in the fridge across the hall.

Would you mind?

Now we're talking about
a fucking party.

Stiffy'll be back in a jiffy.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

I mean,
there's nobody around

and we haven't seen
your best side yet.

Yes! We got him.

So busted.

Man, big boys, wake up.

Just gotta turn down the AC
in there, huh?

Good night, girls.

Sorry, asshole, game's over.

Yeah, the big boys
will love the long walk home.

Room
check, girls.

Oh, shit.

Ditch his clothes.
Out the window.

All right,
who wants a long neck?

Nurse Sanders.

They set me up.
He attacked us

with pepper spray
and ruined our graduation.

I went there
for a friendly game...

Hold it. Hold it. Kids.

Okay...

Where are your clothes?

I have them.

May I ask why?
Well, they got me naked...

Oh, whatever. He took his own
pants off... And they stole my clothes.

And I got stuck up there with
Mrs. Doubtfire checking out my...

Let me see
if I have this straight.

Elyse, you think Matt is an arrogant
jock who wears his penis on his forehead

just to gain the approval
of his sociopathic brother.

And, Matt, you think Elyse
is an uptight, geeky prude

who needs to loosen up
and get laid.

Excuse the expression, dear. Is
that close to being on the money?

Look, kids...

The only way
to solve your differences

is by working together.

So why don't you start
tomorrow

by putting one foot
in front of the other?

Left flank hut.

Turn and hut.

What the fuck!

Band 10 hut!

Holy shit.

When I yell "band 10 hut,"
you snap firmly at attention.

You want to see me
firmly at attention?

I already have.
I wasn't impressed.

Look...

We've never beaten Beechwood,
okay?

For some of us,
it's our last shot.

Just stop screwing up, okay?

Yeah, asshole.

Okay, people, back to
work, let's go. Whatever.

I don't need this shit.

Reset the block.
Front ranks, right here.

Housekeeping.

Oscar, brought me
something to drink?

Come on.
Good looking out, baby.

Hey, it's Ernie Crapowitz.

So you finally came out
of the closet. Good for you.

Look, I want to know what
goes on at night, all right?

All the crazy shit.
Naked pillow fights, whatever.

Do I look like the guy that's in
charge of the naked pillow fights, huh?

It's my first time here.

Notice the beanie?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Yes, speaking of beanies,
where's yours, Stifler?

You still not following
the rules, huh?

Let's see. Look. He's
getting in trouble again.

No standard-issue Tall
Oaks T-shirt and no beanie.

I believe that's two points
from Great Falls, Mr. Nelson.

Tell you what,
Vande-cramp,

what if I took
his beanie

and put it on my weenie?

How do you like that Vande-cramp?
It's on my head, right? Huh?

Make it five points
from Great Falls.

Five points.

Man, this place sucks
donkey ass.

Ugh...

Put your beanie on, son.

Five points.

Stay still. Stop moving.

He ain't going nowhere now.

This isn't your world. This is our
world, and we don't want you in it.

You already cost us
five points in the standings.

We can't have that.

Set the man up
with his beanie.

Now you're representing, fool.

And this toothpaste

this will make up
for the pepper spray, asshole.

Oh, shit.

I'll get the paint thinner
from maintenance.

Animals.

Matt, you were sent here

to make a change.

And, so far, you've only had
your sinuses sanitized. So...

I think it's time
to try a new approach.

Make some friends.

Earn their trust.

Why would I want
to earn their trust?

Good.

That's what I'm talking about.

Welcome to Stifler-vision.

I think there's
a cymbal class at 1:00.

I hate that.

Yeah, but it's better than
the bass drum relay.

Yeah, that's true.

Counselors going wild.

Yours look totally fantastic.

Two for the price of one.
My left one's bigger, see?

Yeah, mine, too, baby.
They can totally fix that.

That shampoo smells
awesome.

Thanks. I get it from this Russian
lady who does my bikini wax.

Brazilian or Playboy?

Actually, I get mine
customized.

Wanna see? MATT:
Oh, yeah, show me.

Oh, my God, how cute.
There's a little music note.

No!
Yeah, I used to be flat.

Just like I used to
be. Lens fog. No!

What is that thing,
butt weasel?

Yeah, it's the KR3, baby.

The Kaplowitz Remote Robotic
Rover. And you are so busted.

Hey, Oscar, somebody call the
Macro. Dude, please, shut up.

Pull your panties out of your
ass. I can help you with that chick.

What chick?

Dude, the one with all
the tattoos. The Tubanator.

Her name is Chloe.

Come on, man. I can help.
I'm the Stiffmeister.

Master of love and
romance. Bullshit.

I nailed three cheerleaders in one week
on spring break. College cheerleaders.

And I know why
your camera spritzed out.

Dude, this thing
is awesome.

You ever use this to
look up chicks' skirts? No.

But I did use it to win the
State Science Fair last year.

And I'm hoping it gets me
into MIT next fall.

I really want
to work for NASA.

National Anal Sex Association?

No, it's Space...

There's an
Anal Sex Association?

Oh, yeah, but you've
got to be a pro.

Wait, there's
a Space Association?

You were supposed
to use this.

See, it's got an anti-fog
lens. Duh. Yeah, good.

Can the robot record? All right,
so, what are your intentions?

With the video, I mean.
What are you doing?

Oh, it's just for fun.

I mean, who doesn't like to
look at hot naked chicks, right?

Keep it between us,
and I'll let you watch.

Plus, I'll have you giving Chloe
the pelvic noogie inside a week.

Hey, Stifler. Phone.

We're in Detroit!

Locked into
sweet Brazilian rum.

I'm fucking fubar, man!

I sent you rum today. Could
come in handy in Dorksville.

Man, this place blows.

Hey, my roommate,
Dr. Robot,

busted me taping some
college chicks in the shower.

So now I have to be
all nice to him and shit.

And I'm not getting any good footage
'cause these fucking bandies hate me.

Think of it like trying
to hook up with a virgin.

Act like you give a shit about them
until they bring you into the good stuff.

Earn their trust?

Dude, that could work.

I'll be an undercover
bandy fucker.

Hello, everyone. Isn't it a
peachy day here at Band Camp?

Band buds.
How's it going? Yo.

Hey, I just want to say thanks for
the little wake up call. You kidders.

Hey, I can finally hear
the music calling me, okay?

There.
Hear it? Yeah. Me, too.

So I'm a totally
new man, and...

By the way, you both
look great in pantyhose.

What are you doing? Awaiting
my marching lesson, ma'am.

Look, Matt, I really don't
have time for this right now.

No, look, I figure I'm here, I
might as well make the best of it.

Matt, marching's hard, okay?
It's not like throwing some football.

Oh, you ever thrown
into double coverage?

You ever high-stepped
in double time?

Yes, ma'am, the time the cops
chased us across Koreno's Creek.

And you got so scared,
you cried.

I had allergies.
It was winter, Mattie.

Well, if you don't teach me to
march, I might just cry again.

Fine.

Left foot on one and three,
right foot on two and four.

You have to do math?

One, two, three, middle.
One, two, three, line.

Right foot on four.

Keep your step
size even. My what?

All right, there we go, little
buddy. I'm gonna fix you up good.

Any girl that knows how to
play a tuba, she can do things.

That's what Stifler says.

I don't know what it means,
but it's got to be good.

You're good to go.

Let's go find Chloe.

Holy shit.

What the hell?
Who's doing this?

Take it.

It's okay.

Thanks, little creepy
machine. You're welcome...

Beautiful lady.

With my right, with my right, but I
can also do it with my left, with my left.

Bootie.

Good game.

Good game. Good game. Good
game. Good game. Good game.

You just touched my bootie.

What's that?
Your instrument.

That's fucking gay.

I mean lame.
Good.

Now, there are
two positions.

Carrying position, like this,
and playing position, like this.

Now when I call,
"horns up,"

you're gonna move your
instrument out, and then...

Hello, losers.

Matt. Oh, my God.
Matt, I am so sorry.

I think I bit a hole in my
tongue. Oh, let me see.

No, no hole.
On today's episode,

wasting time
on lost causes.

Speaking of which,
I understand

you composed the music
to your show, Elyse,

if you call that music.

Yeah. That's right.
I did.

And who'd your daddy hire
to compose yours?

I'm just giving you fair warning,
cupcake. Robards Scholarship is mine.

Like you need it.

It's not a matter of need.
It's a matter of want.

Yeah, I get what I want.

Why don't
you shut the fuck up?

Matt, don't.

What are you going
to do? Kick your ass.

Are you challenging me?
No.

Yeah, what if I am? No, Brandon,
that is not what he's doing.

I accept.
Amphitheatre, 5:00.

It's been three years
since I've been challenged.

We got a challenge.

I look forward
to reminding people why.

East Great Falls.
Hoo, ha!

I'll see you there, asshole.

Do you know
what you just did?

Doesn't matter.
Fucker's going down.

Matt, you challenged him
to a duel.

With swords?

No, you idiot. You each
get on stage and perform.

And the crowd decides
who wins.

Can't we just do
keg stands?

Matt, this is serious, okay?
Beechwood gets five points if he wins,

which, you know, he will
because he plays an instrument.

Well, so do I.

Let the Tall
Oaks Battle Royale begin.

The prize is five points
towards the cup.

Okay, Brandon,
you're up first.

Come on!

Suck on that, bitch.

Lame.

This is so embarrassing.

Okay, Brandon.

Now you show him, Brandon.

Take that!

Well, seems
this contest is over.

Figures. We just lost
five points.

And the winner
by forfeit is...

But I know
it's not his fault...

Play that funky music white boy

You don't know
the words.

Play that funk music
white boy

Lay down that boogie

And play that funky music
till you die

He should shave that.

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

Okay, five points
to Great Falls.

All right, Great Falls!

East Great Falls!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

East Great Falls! Hoo! Ha!

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
What?

Are you really Scottish?
Fuck, no.

My mom made me
learn an instrument.

That's the most annoying one
I could think of.

I think you were just born to
squeeze sacks and blow pipes, Stifler.

Hey, Oscar.

How many other Oscars
do you know? Go!

What's up? Your drum
line sounds pretty tight.

Oh, thanks.

You let me know if you want
to learn some new moves.

Really?

He's gonna screw it up. He's
definitely gonna screw it up.

Hey.

Thanks for winning
those points back.

I lost them.
I had to get them back.

Hey, guys, Sheree's gonna
show me some moves.

Hey, gang,

just a little reminder that
as the battle for the cup

heats up,
let's try to remember

to keep up that Tall Oaks spirit of
fair play and friendly competition.

We'll have
enough spit for a six-pack.

Yeah, baby, you did me
proud, son. Thanks, J.Lo.

It's cool.
Big O?

Quite a little show you put on
yesterday, Stifler.

You know, these plebes think
you're some kind of hero.

I don't know
what a plebe is, Vande-creep.

Didn't anybody tell you not to mess
with the big dog while he's eating?

It's mine, jerk-wad.
Now will you give it back?

Dildos. This is still
my camp, asshole.

You're going down.
No, I'm not.

But your mom did
last night.

Did she play the trumpet?
Because she has really strong lips.

That's right.

Mmm!

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Yummy.

That's what I'm
talking about. Whoo!

What happened
this time, Claire?

Well, I was working
on my solo

and I hurt myself.

I've been
fucking poisoned.

Ipecac is
a natural herbal extract

that triggers
the regurgitation reflex.

Whatever's in there
should be out soon enough.

Like him,
if we're lucky.

Well, I'm pretty sure it's
probably just something

you had for lunch, you know? I've got
the same problem. Very sensitive stomach.

I was at a banquet once. On the
same plate, if you can believe it,

they had creamed venison,

squid fritters
and jellied pork.

What?

Hey, what's up,
crust bucket?

Come here, dude.
Check this out.

So, this afternoon,
while the counselors

were practicing
for the talent show,

I faked an asthma attack, and
I changed both of the cameras.

Oh, shit! What the hell
are they doing?

It's their talent show
routine, au naturel.

Dude, you filthy little
cyberfucker. Shit.

Hey, I thought we were
just going to watch.

Exactly, we may want
to watch it again.

Oh, yes. Counselors
gone wild. Dancing white ta-tas.

Hey, so, I took your advice about
Chloe. I used the Rover to deliver a soda.

That was your cool,
crazy idea?

Yeah, I think
she actually liked it.

Yeah, that sounds gay.
It's not gay.

Anyway, there's this
bonfire-slushee party tonight

and I really need to know
Step Two in the Stiffmeister plan.

Slushee party. Really.

Special delivery.

Prepare to jam
with the bearded clam.

Get ready to cuddle
the love puddle.

The time has come
for Dr. Robot to get laid.

Get laid?

I told you,
trust the Stiffmeister.

Meister means "master"
in German.

Get her drunk? That's the secret of
the ages? That's Step Number Two?

No, actually, it's Step Four.

You don't have the balls for
Two or the tongue for Three.

I've got the balls.

Hey, you haven't heard
Step Five yet.

Born to be wild

Well, I'm hot-blooded
check it and see

I've got a fever of 103

Come on, baby
do you do more than dance?

This is some good shit.
Don't enjoy it too much.

We have a big practice
tomorrow, you guys. Relax, Leesy.

Suckle the tender fruits of
Band Camp with your friends.

Come on, Elyse. Cut loose
a little bit. Have some fun.

I am having fun.

Hey, horn dog, let's go get some
more of these before they run out.

All right.
Horn dog?

Yeah, it's his nickname. Dude will stick
his dick into anything. It's unnatural.

Check it, dawg. This one time
at Band Camp, I fucked an oboe.

Really?
Blow in it for a while,

get that wood nice and warm, slap
on some valve oil and go to town, yo.

Hey, maybe you should
try a flute.

Hey.

Now's a good time
to teach you those moves.

Really?

What?

I know what you're doing.

You do?

It's what you always do.
You're a fake.

You do whatever it takes
to be the center of attention.

Just like when we were Kids,
around me, you were regular old Matt,

but around Steve and his
friends, you were the Stiffmeister.

Who're you going
to be tonight?

Hey, cheese dick,

why don't you quit being such a fucking
taint ticker, and get me another slushee.

Fucking puss monkey.

You know what?
I am going to have some fun.

Fucking hoes, man.
I don't get that shit.

I mean, right now, Oscar's off in the woods
tapping that counselor biatch, Sheree.

What's up with that? That
cock spring is getting laid?

True that. And here we are,
the two dopest homeboys in camp

and we ain't got no prospects for
our palm pilots. That's fucked up, dawg.

Dude, I gotta see this.

Use your hips more.

Hips, like that?

Yeah, now faster. Yeah.
Like that. A circle. Like that.

Crikey! The
alpha female has chosen an unlikely mate.

Will he survive
this dangerous encounter

or will she satisfy her primal needs
and then devour him for dinner?

Stay tuned.

I'm sorry. I'm
really no good at this stuff.

Relax.
You're doing fine.

This sucks.

How's that feel?
Oscar.

Is that your drumstick
poking me?

I don't have
my drumsticks.

Are you standing up
for me again, Oscar?

It's getting hot.

Smack my ass
and call me cowboy.

Hello,
Double-D Sheree.

Hips. Hips.

Use your hips.
Oh, yeah, hips.

And step, and...

Who knew?

Wow.

Oh, shit!

You're a sweet guy, Oscar.

Bandeez
Gone Wild. Scene 69.

Double-D Sheree
and Big O.

Yo, we at Tall Oaks
sipping on juice

Got horns, trumpets
rhythm and flutes

Great Falls laying it down

Gonna ride fucking Beechwood
out of the town

J.C., what
rocking the bunch

All tripped out
on the fucking fruit punch

Hey, are you sure
about this? I mean...

| just want to be
respectful. Oh, that's sweet.

But right now, I just want you
to respect me real hard and bad.

Lucky son of a bitch.

The only person who's
gonna get laid around here.

Hello, oboe.

This is so cool.

I hope I didn't scare
you with the Rover and the soda.

No, man,
it was cute.

Nobody's ever been that
sweet to me in my whole life.

Plus, to be honest,

metal really turns me on.

Oh.

Man, the shit's stuck.

Turn off the lights.
Damn, gangsta.

I was just fucking
with you, dawg!

You... It's stuck.

Shit, you want help?
Don't touch me.

Come on.

Maybe you should blow on it.

Maybe you should
blow on it and I'll pull.

Hell, no. Jimmy ain't
putting his lips on that thing.

Jimmy should be
a team player.

- Try and relax, dawg.
- Not so hard.

Oh, my God!

I was just trying
to help him get it off, yo.

Dude, shut up.

Whatever.

He had an allergic reaction
to the valve oil.

The swelling should go down
in a few minutes.

These kinds of things would
never happen with our old Macro.

We didn't have MTV
when I was growing up.

So maybe it's
the over-stimulated times

that we live in that causes
young men to stick their

instruments in
such odd places.

I knew a certain
young man once

who actually engaged in sexual
congress with an apple pie.

And he turned out just fine.

So, you're perfectly normal...

As these things go.

Hey.

Are you okay?
Oh, yeah.

I'm so drunk right now. I'm
probably going to forget about you

porking an oboe.

I have six piercings.

That doesn't include
the ones on my face.

Two right here...

And four down here.

Haven't seen that
in a while.

Yeah, well, no time for dance.
It's all about band, band, band.

No, I was talking
about you having fun.

I have fun. I have
fun all the time. Yeah.

I just get stressed out,
you know. I mean...

We graduate next year,
and I don't know.

I mean, I don't really
talk about it all that much

because the cup is, like,
a team thing, and...

But winning the Robards
Scholarship, I mean, that is like

my future, you know?
And

Dr. Choi is coming.
I mean,

you don't understand.
She's like famous,

like holy-shit famous.
And, sometimes, I just...

I get really stressed out

and I calm myself down by going
off and playing on my Picardo.

Wait, you have...
Picardo?

It's just a cheapie,
but I lost it.

Wait, if I somehow found this
Picard thing... You found it?

Maybe.
Give it back.

If you let me watch.

Okay, but it takes me a while
to warm up.

I have all the time
in the world.

Figures.

But I'm going to have
to be really drunk.

I mean really drunk.
Really drunk.

Yes.

Beat it, jerk off.

Okay, people,
let's take a break.

We're all
a little sluggish today.

Man, we suck.

Man, one night of fun was not
worth losing a whole day of practice.

Give me this thing.

All right, listen up,
you lazy bunch of lip shits.

Those Beechwood plebes
aren't taking breaks.

We want to win this thing,
we've gotta bust our asses.

Come on, bitches.
Back to work.

Matt, that's my job. Grab your
cocks and move your Socks.

We're at war here,
people, war!

Show some tits.
Grow some balls.

Hey, keep that thing
warm for me.

All right, now. What, you want
to let Beechwood tittie-fuck us?

I didn't think so.

All right, Tall Oakers,

we're in our final week.
Time to put on our game faces.

And time to strap
yourselves in for a bumpy ride.

I want the oboe, clarinet,
black thingies

and we've got the rhythm
section in a full-on blitz.

Are you with me,
bandies? - Yeah!

Competition
for the Tall Oaks Cup is

really heating up.

Beechwood wins.

Whatever.

I told you,
you should let me steer.

Take that bitch home, man.

Drive it in.
Hey, you, fuck face...

I don't even know
where to start with you.

Beechwood leads.

Great Falls and Lloyd
are tied for second.

Beechwood licks nuts. Hut!

Victory, East Great Falls.

Right foot on line.

Jimmy,
you fucking lotion lover.

East Great
Falls by four points.

Hey, butt pirates ahoy.

Your little band

may be leading
in the competition, Stifler...

...but make sure to let
us know if you get thirsty.

Yeah, 'cause there's plenty
of this.

That's funny for you
dorks. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah.

Man, screw that challenge.
I'm just gonna kick his ass.

No, wait.
I've got a better idea,

if you think
you're man enough.

Yes.

Hey, you sure you can do this?
Hey, born to be a porn star, baby.

Delivery on demand.

When I get back, I'll be
a million Stiflers lighter.

Hey, ocupado.

Sorry.

Oh.

Dude, how about
a courtesy flush, man?

I'm trying to concentrate
in here.

Sheree.

Mattie.

Double-D Sheree.

Sheree. Yeah.

Arianna.

Oh, Arianna.

Band, 10-hut!

Leesy.

Yeah, Leesy.

Oh, yeah.

Nurse Sanders.

Go ahead,
give me that shot, baby.

Naughty Nurse.

More. Oh, yeah.

It's coming. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's coming.

Claire? No!

Claire. Oh, Claire, baby.

Claire...

Claire...

Claire.

Courtesy flush. MAN: Oh, no!

Brandon, I think
you're a really good drummer, so...

Excuse me.

Listen, this is your chance
to help.

Hey, guys,

don't forget your sunscreen.
Your bodies are your instruments.

Yeah, you don't want to be
chapped for your solos.

No, we don't. Bye now.

What is that, 307
It's really thick.

How's that taste, Vande-cock?

Mmm! Good, huh?
Warm and salty? Yeah.

It's a cum-pletely new
formula. 100% Stiffy juice...

SPF 69.

Suck on that.

Yeah.
Stop, man.

Yeah.
Ernie.

Yeah.
Ernie.

What you had before
was way better than this.

This sounds like your over
active honor-society brain.

Instead of your nasty, wet

dirty-girl panties.

It should be more spontaneous.

Stop.

Maybe you should hang out with
your friend Matt a little bit more.

Yeah, right.

I know he's a dick and
everything, but he's also got one.

Make some love music, you know?
And then your notes will just cum to you.

Oh, Matt!
Stop.

Matt. Matt.

Go long, you asshole. Go.

Hey, Elyse.

Throw it back. Come on.

What you got?

Oh! Oops!

Missed. Sorry.

Hey, if I have
to ring the triangle,

you have to throw the
football, all right? Okay.

Draw your arm back.
There you go.

Shoulder to your target.
Right. Okay, now step forward.

Come on we're not marching.
One foot.

Argh. Okay. You're fine.
Ready? There you go.

Draw the ball
over your ear

and when you throw it, let it
roll right off your fingers, all right?

Okay.

Come on, throw it.

See? I taught you something.
What?

So every time I throw it,
you're gonna run and go get it?

That's generally how it works.

Like playing fetch
with my dog.

Yeah, except I don't lick my
own balls. You would if you could.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, again.

Right here.

Look, that
one looks like a bunny.

No, it doesn't. Uh-huh.

Maybe a bunny with one nut.

No, that's its tail.
Whatever you say.

You think we'll win this
thing? Hell, yeah, we will.

If you write
in a bagpipe part.

Oh, God, I'll never
make that mistake again.

What?
The eighth grade recital.

You made me write in
a part for you.

You wore your Kilt.

Yeah, Steve showed up
with his friends.

They gave me so much shit
for that.

I didn't come out
of my room for days.

You made it up to him by
stealing all my underwear

so you could run them up
the flagpole.

Including my training bras.

Okay, since we're having some
big fucking Oprah moment here...

I'm sorry
about your underwear.

And the diary.

And all that other shit, too.

That's it.

You started it. This is gonna
get me that scholarship.

What?

Oh, I've got to go write
this down before I forget.

Hey, hey, hey!

Uh...

Could we do this again
tomorrow night?

Yeah, sure.
I'll see you here at sunset.

Hey. Um...

Should I bring that
Picardo thing?

Okay, I'll do a solo for you.

Hey...

What's up, Ernie? ERNIE: Hey.

It was that
fugly nurse again.

Oh, my God.

Matt Stifler?

Holy shit, look at you. Arianna,
what are you doing here?

We practice our routine with the
band. What are you doing here?

I had to come.
The school made me.

Does anybody know about
this yet? Oh, they do now.

Hey, come on, no pictures.
What're you, the papa-tit-zzy?

Holy shit, this is
so hilarious. Smile.

Ladies.
No time for fraternizing.

Get the bags. Guess I'll
see you around, bandy.

What a dork. I'm going
to email this to everybody.

Girls, that was great.
Percussion, take five.

Horns, we've got to work
on intonation.

The final performance
is tomorrow, you guys.

They're so lame.

You play the triangle.
How cute.

No, I don't.
Look, I told you...

I had to... ARIANNA: I gotta go.

I don't socialize with bandies.
I'm not a fucking bandy.

I'm not. Look. I've just
been acting like a geek.

I've been playing them so I
could get them on hidden video.

I've been secretly videotaping
them doing all this crazy shit.

Really?
Yeah, I could show you.

Okay, come by after dinner.

I'll leave my pompoms
in the window for you.

You're late.

Yeah, no shit.
Open the window.

Hold on. Be careful with it.

All right, one condition before I
show you the fruits of my labors.

What's that?

I want that picture
on that camera phone erased.

Nobody at school hears

about the triangle
or the beanie.

I don't want anybody to
think I'm a dorky-ass bandy

Fine. Like,
now can we get on with it?

As soon as you get rid of
that picture of me on your phone.

Are you going into town?

Not tonight. I'm too tired.

Besides,
they're much hotter here.

I know.
It's a great crop this year.

There. Done deal.
Now can we see the video?

Stiffmeister Productions

in association with its talented
new director, Matthew Stifler,

is happy to premier
the unedited,

unfiltered, and un-fucking-believable
Bandeez Gone Wild.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.
That is unbelievable.

You're kidding
me, right? That's great.

Danielle likes Jimmy,

but she's like
a foot taller than him.

And wait till you hear this.

Sheree slept with that
big Oscar guy, the drummer.

Said he was amazing.

Well, I hooked up with Brandon
once. Some drummer. He has

no rhythm, and he can't
even bang very long.

Oh, my God.
Are you serious?

Yeah, he's a preemie. And I'm not
talking about the day he was born, either.

Can you get my back? I think
I got a little bit of sun today?

Sure.

Get this. He has one ball.

No way.
One ball.

Yeah, that's why he carries
that big stick around everywhere.

It's got his other ball
on top.

Shit, shit, oh, shit.

What is that thing?

Let's kill it.

Where'd he go?

There he is.

Look out.

This is going into the lake.

No one's gonna know
about your little video.

"Cause the shit
you got us doing on tape...

So we got a contest to win
tomorrow. And I don't want to see you.

Understand?

Did you help him?

With East
Great Falls in the lead,

Beechwood has to win
the Band Camp Playoffs.

Direct yourselves to the
marching field in one hour.

Now, Dr. Choi, Brandon
Vandecamp from Beechwood

is our best musician by far

and his father, Landon, is
our best donor, also by far.

Robards needs
talented musicians

as much as
we need talented donors.

Ipecac.

So how's it going? Are
you having fun? It's okay.

How about some Ipecac,
Vande-cooch?

This herbal fucking extract will help
you Beechwood fief play in tune, huh?

Shit.

Hey!

I told you I don't want to
see you anymore, Stifler.

Someday,
you'll thank me, asshole.

Orange?

Again?

Damn.
That orange shit is janky.

I'm feeling grape, dawg.

I don't care
how many times they won.

They're not getting
the grape today.

That's what I'm talking about.

Your five-time
defending champion,

Beechwood Academy.

They're tight.

Yeah, they're
better than ever this year.

Okay, everybody.

It's no surprise
Beechwood is good.

But this year is different.
This year, we can beat them.

We've worked hard,
and we are good enough

and this is our time,
so let's win the cup.

Yeah!

Beechwood Academy.

Their music today was composed
by senior drum major,

Brandon Vandecamp.

Beat that. Hoo, ha.

East Great Falls, you
may enter the field for competition.

Band 10 hut.
One, two, ready. Shit.

Leesy, wait, no.

No. Wait.

You know, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.

Not my shoes. Here we go.

Stifler!

You know,
you're like your brother, Steve.

And I don't think those are the
shoes you should be so eager to fill.

You know, the people
Steve thought were his friends

really didn't like him
very much. What?

But I think you're different.

I think people want to like you,
Matt. You just make it really hard.

Hoo! Hal

Parting is such sweet sorrow.
When you're a loser.

Mr. Levenstein reports that
there were a few incidents

at camp.

But he also says that

you bonded
with the band briefly.

When school starts, you're
going to be on a very short leash.

Remember, the Shermanator
sees it all.

Be gone.

Did everybody hate my brother?

Stardate, August 21, 2005.

Some progress made
with Stiffy Junior.

Behavior modification evident.

Will continue to monitor.

Shermanator out.

A little "Double-D Sheree"
action.

Little bit of Dr. Robot.

Crazy fucker.

Hey, Stifler,
where's your instrument?

Dude,
you're in the wrong uniform.

Screw them, dude. They're gonna
freak out when they see the video.

Look, we thought that if we
had an advance screening,

then everyone would see
that you're not really a dork.

I can't. It's gone.

What?
The video, man, I deleted it.

Why?

Guess little bro's quitting
the family business.

Are you kidding me?

He went fucking
bandy on us.

Hey, what's up, guys?

You a dead man, motherfucker.

You, too, little man.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Dude, the purple puke was an
accident. Somebody switched the coolers.

Hey, that orange shit
is janky, yo.

Chloe, we never saw Elyse,
you know, naked.

Matt turned off the computer.

So we're just supposed
to forgive him now?

He's still an asshole.
You're right.

I am an asshole.

I can't take back
spying on you

and I can't win
that Bandy Cup thing.

But I can help someone
get what she deserves.

I'm not asking you
to forgive me.

Just help me help Elyse.

I got the number.

Go ahead.

555-0171.

He shouldn't have been
dumping Ipecac in anyone's cooler.

We could've won on our own.

I don't even care that he saw me
on camera. Well, I mean I do, but...

Honey, this just came for you.

It's from Robards.

What's it say?

Dr. Choi wants to meet
with me?

Okay. okay.

Okay. Okay.

Bye.

Hi. Elyse Houston.

I have an appointment
with Dr. Choi.

You're not in the book. Oh, no,
there must be some mistake. See...

I have a letter.

This letter is, well...

It's a fake.

This is not Dr. Choi's
signature. What?

Stifler.

You son of a bitch.

What? It wasn't enough for you
to humiliate me at Band Camp?

Now you have to
set me up here?

What's going on here?

This is my band.

And that's her music.

Well...

I've certainly seen some interesting
attempts to gain admission,

but this is a first.

Excellent audition, Miss Houston.
Let's go discuss that scholarship.

Um, I thought Brandon won.

No, Mr. Vandecamp was
disqualified for plagiarism.

All right.

That's what
I'm talking about, yo.

Oh, my God, you guys,
that was amazing.

Thank you so much.
Thank him. It was his idea.

Word.

You planned all this?
With some friends.

Come here.

Ow.

Oh, I believe this is yours.

You know...

Picardo is a brand of piccolo.

You really are an asshole
sometimes...

Stiffy.

Man, change the channel, yo.

Hook a brother up
with some mad beats.

Will you cut that out?

Your name is
James Hi Ping Chong.

Your dad owns
a Chinese restaurant.

You live in the suburbs. You
ain't never gonna be a gangsta.

Damn!

That's cold, dawg.