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1
00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:03,871
Hey.
2
00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:04,872
Oh, hey.
3
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:05,773
You're back early.
4
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:06,840
How was your date?
5
00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:10,178
I hate electric cars.
6
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:13,447
I don't like scented candles.
7
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:17,618
Once again, how was your date?
8
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,653
It was fine until
her estranged husband
9
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:23,257
silently pulled into the
driveway in his freakin' Prius.
10
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:27,628
If he hadn't stepped on the cat,
I'd be dead now.
11
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:30,964
What are you doing?
12
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,100
Me?
13
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:33,834
Uh, nothing.
Just, uh...
14
00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:35,203
nothing.
15
00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:38,872
You were surfing for porn,
weren't you?
16
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:41,709
Uh... yes.
17
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,777
Okay, that's, that's
what I was doing.
18
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:44,978
You caught me.
19
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,714
I'm so embarrassed.
20
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:51,785
Well, you should be;
it's disgusting.
21
00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:56,924
Come on, let's see what puts
a chubby in your chinos.
22
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,492
No, no, it's personal.
23
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,828
Ooh, what are you into,
grannies with trannies?
24
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:03,464
Chickens with strap-ons?
25
00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:05,599
Please, please don't,
Charlie. Pl...
26
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:13,107
Oh, you pitiful freak!
27
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,242
What is wrong with you?
28
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:17,211
Nothing, I came
upon it by accident.
29
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:19,747
I am so ashamed.
30
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:22,283
My own brother using an...
31
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:25,085
Internet dating service.
32
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,621
I'm a man, Charlie.
I have needs.
33
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,625
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
34
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,828
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
35
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,570
Okay, name three
contributions
36
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,905
that the Roman Empire
made to civilization.
37
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:46,907
Um... Roman numerals.
38
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:47,975
Good.
39
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:49,443
Aqueducts...
40
00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:50,611
Terrific.
41
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:52,413
Do you know what
an aqueduct is?
42
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,448
Uh, something to do with water.
43
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:55,516
And...?
44
00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:57,485
A duck?
45
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,053
Morning.
46
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,088
Morning.
47
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:02,156
Morning, Charlie.
48
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:04,158
Morning, Rose.
49
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,126
(half-whispers):
What's going on?
50
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:10,130
She's helping Yertle the Turtle
study for his test.
51
00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:12,933
Why didn't he ask me?
52
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,302
Name three contributions
53
00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:17,037
the Roman Empire
made to civilization.
54
00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:19,840
Orgies, wine and bulimia.
55
00:02:21,041 --> 00:02:24,345
Go ahead, ask me
about the Greeks.
56
00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:27,047
Then who did invent
aromatherapy?
57
00:02:27,114 --> 00:02:28,849
Not the Romans.
58
00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:30,251
But you see my logic.
59
00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,687
You know,
I never did understand
60
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:36,056
why you didn't give her
more of a chance.
61
00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:37,691
She's pretty, smart,
62
00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:41,695
and amazingly patient
with dumb guys.
63
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:44,265
Are you talking
about Jake or me?
64
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:47,335
A smart guy wouldn't
have to ask that question.
65
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:50,103
Excuse me, but
let's not forget
66
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,639
this is a woman
who stalked me,
67
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,242
who spied on me,
who snuck into my house
68
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:57,177
to write her name and
address in my underwear.
69
00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:58,812
Oh, boo-hoo.
70
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:01,515
Somebody cares
about Charlie.
71
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,751
Nobody ever wrote
their name in my underwear.
72
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:08,256
Wait, once.
The Department of Corrections.
73
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:10,824
Morning.
74
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:11,892
Hey.
Morning.
75
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:13,227
Hey, guys.
76
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:14,462
How's the homework coming?
77
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,130
The three major buildings
in ancient Rome
78
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,834
were the Coliseum,
the Forum and...
79
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:21,902
Circus...
80
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,437
Circus Circus.
81
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,474
We need a little
more time.
82
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:27,441
Carry on.
83
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:30,478
I know it's not Caesar's Palace.
84
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:33,080
Why don't you get him
a real tutor?
85
00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:34,515
Are you kidding?
86
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:37,117
She has advanced degrees
in, like, three subjects,
87
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,352
she loves him,
he worships her,
88
00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:40,153
and the only thing
she asks in return
89
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:43,190
is to sit naked in
your laundry hamper
every once in a while.
90
00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:45,426
And that's not
a red flag for you?
91
00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:47,361
You could do a lot worse
than Rose, Charlie.
92
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,497
I have done a lot worse.
93
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,932
But that's not really
a recommendation now, is it?
94
00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:56,103
The second triumvirate
was Augustus, Mark Antony and...
95
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,271
Lepidus.
96
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,606
Very good.
97
00:03:58,672 --> 00:04:02,343
Okay, well, that's
it for today.
98
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:03,577
Wait a minute.
99
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,513
Oh, right.
100
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,315
Open up.
101
00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:13,821
Mmm, cookie.
102
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:16,189
Hey, Charlie,
you got a minute?
103
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,292
I'd like to talk
to you privately.
104
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,561
Now's not a good time, Rose.
105
00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,095
Will you call me later?
106
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,263
Sure.
107
00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:24,031
Promise?
108
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,299
Yeah.
109
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:26,567
Cross your heart
and hope to die?
110
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:28,035
(sighs)
111
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,102
Yes.
112
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:31,204
Stick a needle in your eye?
113
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,906
Okay.
114
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:34,274
Boil in oil until you fry?
115
00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,777
Dear God, Rose, I will call you.
116
00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:39,046
Toodles.
117
00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:43,917
You're not going to call her,
are you?
118
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:48,188
No, I think I'm going to go
with the needle in the eye.
119
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:50,391
* Men.
120
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:55,729
(clippers buzzing)
121
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,444
Funny, you didn't mention
in your dating profile
122
00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,513
you've got hair
growing out of all your holes.
123
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,715
Hey, what are you doing
to my laptop?
124
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:18,952
Just learning a little about
you, Spinemaster278.
125
00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:21,789
I see you like
smooth jazz,
126
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,691
long walks on the beach
and cuddling.
127
00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:25,559
Give me that.
Now hold on.
Hold on.
128
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,160
This is my
favorite part.
129
00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:28,929
"I love to spend
quiet weekends
130
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:32,533
puttering around my
Malibu beach house."
131
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:33,967
Educate me, Alan.
132
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,404
To what Malibu beach
house are you referring?
133
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,406
Okay, okay, I was going
to tell you about that.
134
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,273
Do you have one that
I don't know about?
135
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:41,675
No, no.
'Cause if you do,
136
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:43,811
one of us should
be living there.
137
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,145
Are you going to let me
explain, or not?
138
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,647
What's to explain?
139
00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:48,782
You have a Malibu beach
house and you're the...
140
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,684
"chiropractor
to the stars."
141
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:53,621
Okay, what do you want me
to call myself?
142
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,389
Chiropractor to fat people
in the valley?
143
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,290
Everybody exaggerates
on these things.
144
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,826
Okay, I can understand that.
145
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,161
You're probably not going
to get a lot of responses
146
00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:02,663
to "bushy-nosed cheapskate,
147
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,865
enjoys long walks
to a free meal."
148
00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:06,434
Exactly.
149
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:07,768
(doorbell rings)
150
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,103
Hey, you're going out
tonight, aren't you?
151
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:11,304
Why?
152
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,507
Well, I met a woman
on this dating site
153
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,108
and she's here
and it would be good if...
154
00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:16,510
you weren't.
155
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,646
You're throwing me
out of my own house?
156
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,915
Well, no, if you read
the profile, it's my house.
157
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,352
See?
158
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:26,286
(doorbell rings)
Coming!
159
00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:27,120
Be right there!
160
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,422
Please play along.
161
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:29,823
You're going to
play along, right?
162
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,460
I guess we'll find out
together, won't we?
163
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,201
Alan, hi.
164
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:44,872
Beverly, it's so great to
finally meet you in person.
165
00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,311
Hi.
166
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,280
Hello.
167
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:56,183
Oh, this is Charlie.
168
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,418
Oh, right, your poor brother.
169
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,655
Hi, Charlie.
170
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,657
(slowly):
How are you?
171
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:09,362
Mmm, you smell nice.
172
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,632
Okay, okay, come on in.
173
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,101
Oh, my,
174
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,269
what a beautiful home.
175
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:17,638
Thank you.
Thank you.
176
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:23,010
I encourage him to think
of this place as his own.
177
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:27,781
Yeah, that way, I don't feel
like such a worthless parasite.
178
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,951
Charlie, weren't you
going out tonight?
179
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:35,823
Gee, I'd love to, but
you know me, flat broke again.
180
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:40,060
Oh, well, I suppose I could
float you a few bucks.
181
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,128
What do you need?
182
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:43,030
$400.
183
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,799
Okay. Okay.
184
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:48,368
You know, I'll... I'll just
give you everything I have.
185
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:51,839
Uh... that's
31, 32... $33.
186
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,908
What about the secret
compartment?
187
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:57,945
All right.
188
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,049
That'll be a, uh...
189
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,251
$133.
190
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,220
And I don't expect to
see you again tonight.
191
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,889
Thanks, bro.
192
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:12,926
Be nice to him;
he's all I've got.
193
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,429
Sorry about that.
194
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,698
I understand.
195
00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:20,067
I have a sister
who's a crack whore.
196
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,302
Really?
197
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:23,737
Maybe we can introduce them.
198
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:27,507
For $133, we can
introduce them twice.
199
00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:29,276
Terrific.
200
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,047
Well, here we are.
201
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,282
We sure are.
202
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:37,651
I guess you've noticed
203
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,653
I'm a little taller
than five-nine.
204
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,355
Well, yeah, but everybody
fudges a little
205
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,691
on those dating profiles.
206
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:44,558
How tall are you?
207
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,894
Five-thirteen.
208
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:56,804
Leanne, tell me something,
209
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,907
is it just me or is the crowd
in here getting younger?
210
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:02,943
No, the crowd's the same age
it's always been.
211
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:06,079
You, on the other hand, are not.
212
00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:07,380
I'm not old.
213
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:08,816
40's the new 30, right?
214
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,852
Not the way you live, pal.
215
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,921
Yeah, well, guess what?
216
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:15,856
Not tipping is the new tipping.
217
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:19,693
I gotta do more
drinking at home.
218
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:23,530
You didn't call.
219
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,232
Did you follow me here?
220
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,768
Please. If you're not home
and you're not on a date,
221
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:28,869
where else would you be?
222
00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:32,105
And, yes,
I followed you here.
223
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,374
There's something
I need to tell you.
224
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:35,743
What can I get you?
225
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:37,277
Grain alcohol, please.
226
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:39,747
We don't have grain alcohol.
227
00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:41,882
Okay, just a Sprite.
228
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,386
What do you want, Rose?
229
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,055
I don't want anything.
230
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:50,523
I just have some news
to share with you.
231
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,192
Is this CNN kind of news,
232
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,227
or something you heard
from a friendly blue jay
233
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:55,528
with a top hat and a cane?
234
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,031
If you recall,
that was a crow,
235
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,101
and he was wearing a derby
and safety goggles.
236
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:04,571
And I've admitted that
was a medication issue.
237
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:06,974
Fine, whatever.
What's the news?
238
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,944
Well, my family has business
interests in London,
239
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,013
and I'm going to move
there and take a job.
240
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,081
Oh, terrific.
241
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:17,417
So will you be running
the chocolate factory?
242
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:19,152
Did the OompaLoompas
drop the ball?
243
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:22,422
Charlie...
The little bastards
went union, didn't they?
244
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:25,325
Oh, I'm going to miss that
good-natured cynicism.
245
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,429
You're probably wondering
why I decided to leave.
246
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:30,831
Actually, I was wondering
247
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,300
what possessed them
to remake that movie.
248
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:35,969
Gene Wilder was perfect.
249
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:39,773
I'm leaving because I'm
not getting any younger
250
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,709
and our relationship
isn't really progressing
251
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:42,776
along the path
I'd hoped for.
252
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:47,180
Rose, there is
no relationship.
253
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:48,381
There is no path.
254
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:50,851
How very Zen of you.
255
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:57,224
I'll always love you,
Charlie.
256
00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:01,594
But this is best
for both of us.
257
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,697
Yeah. Right.
258
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,999
Okay, well, have a good trip.
259
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,301
Say hi to the Queen...
260
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,303
of Hearts.
261
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:11,872
Is your friend leaving?
262
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:13,707
No, no, she never leaves.
263
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:17,444
She's probably climbing into
the trunk of my car as we speak.
264
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:20,247
Hey, maybe you should follow me
home to make sure I'm safe.
265
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,449
I don't think my husband
would approve.
266
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,951
When did you get married?
267
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,154
Shortly after the last time
I woke up in your bed
268
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,890
with cab fare
taped to my forehead.
269
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:36,496
I suddenly realized how empty
and soulless my life had become.
270
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:39,499
Thank you for that, by the way.
271
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,769
Happy to help.
272
00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:48,008
How are you doing tonight?
273
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,577
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, sir.
274
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,112
I don't have daddy issues.
275
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:06,693
And then a week before we
were going to get married,
276
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,696
he announces that he's leaving
me for the wedding planner.
277
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:10,831
Ouch!
278
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:11,832
I was heartsick.
279
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,033
I really cared for him.
280
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,201
Well, of course
you cared for him.
281
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:15,668
Why else would you
agree to marry him?
282
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,304
No, I mean
the wedding planner.
283
00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:23,110
Ouch. Well, we all have one
or two heartbreaks in our life.
284
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:23,676
Eight.
285
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:24,744
Excuse me?
286
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:26,780
I've been dumped
eight times.
287
00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:29,549
Married, married, gay,
parole violation,
288
00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:33,086
gay and married, deported,
returned to the priesthood,
289
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:35,255
and woman in a man's body.
290
00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:39,526
Whoa. And yet you
haven't given up.
291
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:40,861
Of course not.
292
00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:42,095
I may have to kiss
a lot of frogs,
293
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:44,965
but eventually
I'll find my prince.
294
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,101
Ribbit.
295
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:50,737
I knew it. You're gay.
296
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:51,972
No, no. I'm not gay.
297
00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,673
Well, whatever it is,
298
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:55,542
I don't have the time
or the strength
to deal with it.
299
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:56,977
Beverly, wait. Wait.
300
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:59,279
You know my loser brother?
301
00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:01,114
I'm him.
302
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:02,015
What?
303
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:04,017
This is Charlie's house.
304
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:08,521
After my divorce,
I was broke, and he took me in.
305
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:12,792
And I'm not the chiropractor
to the stars.
306
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:15,695
I mostly handle
slip-and-fall insurance claims.
307
00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:16,830
That's all?
308
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,365
What do you mean,
"That's all?"?
309
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:21,368
I mean, married,
married, gay,
parole violation...
310
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,702
Alan, you're a catch.
311
00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:24,104
I am?
312
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:26,506
Come on. You're single,
you're straight,
313
00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:27,941
and you're a genetic male.
314
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,477
So I guess
the bar's not that high.
315
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:33,046
Have you done
much online dating?
316
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,883
You cleared it with
a penis and a job.
317
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,151
And, just to put
your mind at ease,
318
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:41,021
I plan on keeping
both of them.
319
00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:44,557
* Men.
320
00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:46,526
Hey, Berta, you want
to to hear something cool?
321
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:49,396
The ancient Romans had a place
called a vomitorium
322
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,664
where people could eat
as much as they wanted,
323
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:53,133
puke, and then eat some more.
324
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:56,336
Well, just like The Sizzler.
325
00:13:57,637 --> 00:13:58,872
Hey. Morning, buddy.
326
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,473
You suck.
327
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:05,312
Whoa. Has the little prince
not taken his morning poop yet?
328
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,714
It's your fault
that Rose is moving away.
329
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:09,716
Oh, did she tell you that?
330
00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:11,584
Jake, she's not going anywhere.
331
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:13,653
This is just one of her games
to mess with my head.
332
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:14,888
Berta, tell him.
333
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:20,427
Jake, honey, your
Uncle Charlie sucks.
334
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:21,728
Come on, Berta.
335
00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,863
Hey, if you weren't
such a self-centered pud,
336
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,532
you'd realize
what an angel she is,
337
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:26,934
and you'd never let her go.
338
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,002
Okay, first of all,
she's not an angel.
339
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,004
Second of all,
she's not leaving.
340
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,974
And third, and perhaps
most important, "pud"?
341
00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:35,875
I cleaned it up for the kid.
342
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:38,378
ALAN:
* Love is lovelier
343
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:41,381
* The ninth
or tenth time around. *
344
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,616
ALAN:
Good morning,
everybody.
345
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,752
What's going on?
346
00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:47,654
Rose is moving to London.
347
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,788
She is? Why?
348
00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:50,557
'Cause Uncle Charlie is a pud.
349
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,126
A "pud"?
350
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:56,196
I cleaned it up for myself.
351
00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:58,398
Hey, Dad, can we go to Sizzler?
352
00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:01,534
* Men.
353
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,504
This is nice, huh?
354
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,073
Yeah.
355
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:09,242
Listen, can I tell
you a little secret?
356
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:10,243
Sure.
357
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,279
It's kind
of embarrassing.
358
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,181
Hey, you can
tell me anything.
359
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,985
All right. Well, before
I came over tonight,
360
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:22,789
I... put a toothbrush
in my purse.
361
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:25,058
What's so embarrassing
about that?
362
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:27,027
I don't go anywhere
without floss.
363
00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:30,797
In fact, sometimes
I'll snap off 18 inches
364
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:33,533
and tuck it in my pocket
in case, you know,
I have a stubborn...
365
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,002
Oh!
366
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:38,205
You mean you and me? Tonight?
367
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,040
Unless you
don't want to.
368
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:44,211
Want to? I'm almost done.
369
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,946
CHARLIE:
You know, Alan,
370
00:15:47,014 --> 00:15:49,049
I've been thinking about it,
371
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,483
and Rose really
crossed the line
372
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,085
when she told Jake that crap
about her moving away.
373
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:53,386
Uh... yeah, listen.
374
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,988
Kids take that stuff seriously,
you know?
375
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,089
I know, but...
376
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,524
It's one thing to screw with me.
377
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,059
It's another thing
to screw with a child.
378
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:00,760
No argument, but
don't you think
379
00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,695
this is a conversation
you should have with her?
380
00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:05,365
You're right. I'm going
to settle this right now.
381
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:10,037
Rose, climb up here!
I want to talk to you!
382
00:16:11,338 --> 00:16:13,140
Are you sure you're
the loser brother?
383
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:15,708
That's always
been the consensus.
384
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:16,809
Excuse me.
385
00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:18,811
Come on, Rose,
you crazy bitch!
386
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,647
I know you're
out there!
387
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,382
Uh, uh, Charlie?
388
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:23,516
What do you
want me to do?
389
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,118
Beg you to stay?
390
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,554
I hate to interrupt,
but I'm making some
real headway in there,
391
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:28,821
and you're kind of
ruining the mood.
392
00:16:28,888 --> 00:16:30,857
Not now, Alan.
393
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,092
I'm not going to beg you
394
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:33,793
'cause you're
not going anywhere!
395
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,862
I know you're not leaving,
and you know you're not leaving!
396
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:38,731
Charlie, that lovely lady
in there brought her toothbrush
397
00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:40,700
'cause I have a penis and a job.
398
00:16:40,767 --> 00:16:41,901
Rose!
399
00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:44,971
How is she going
to brush your job?
400
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:46,773
No, you don't
understand.
401
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,142
I don't have time
for this, Alan.
402
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,412
Charlie, are you okay?
403
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:55,648
Yeah. I just can't
find my damn stalker.
404
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,384
He can't find his stalker?
405
00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:00,987
They're usually
in the last place you look.
406
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,455
But enough about him.
407
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:05,292
If you will accompany me
to the boudoir,
408
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,760
I will convert
an ordinary
pull-out couch
409
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:09,962
into a magic
carpet for two.
410
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,065
Are you sure you're not gay?
411
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,533
I'm literate
and urbane.
412
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,035
You're not the first
one to be confused.
413
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:25,378
Right address.
414
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:32,619
Oh, Charlie,
you came to say good-bye.
415
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,587
Unbelievable.
416
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:37,690
You're going to play this
all the way out to the end.
417
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:38,991
Play what out?
418
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:42,129
All right. Fine.
We'll do it your way.
419
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:46,133
Rose, you're a terrific woman,
420
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:48,935
I'm an idiot
for not seeing it,
421
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:51,471
and I really don't
want you to leave.
422
00:17:51,538 --> 00:17:52,739
Really?
423
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:55,074
Yeah. Here, look.
424
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:00,847
Wow.
425
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:01,748
See?
426
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:03,216
Oh, yeah.
427
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,284
(horn honks)
428
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,619
Well, that's my cab.
429
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,556
Good-bye.
Wait. Wait.
What the hell are you doing?
430
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:11,090
I'm leaving.
431
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:12,925
Don't you understand?
432
00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:14,093
You can drop the act.
433
00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:15,595
I give up.
434
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,297
I surrender.
435
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:20,066
You win, Rose. I'm yours.
436
00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:23,336
Oh, Charlie,
that's so sweet.
437
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,138
But I know you,
and you're just
438
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:26,806
having a little
panic attack
439
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:28,941
because you're
getting old and
nobody loves you.
440
00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:31,077
See? You get me.
441
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:34,581
I do, which is why
I have to leave.
442
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:40,187
Good-bye, Charlie.
443
00:18:40,253 --> 00:18:46,626
Oh, I almost forgot.
444
00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:48,528
I thought you
should have this.
445
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,564
It's our first
restraining order.
446
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,868
Look how shaky
your signature was.
447
00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:00,373
You were so spooked.
448
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,910
(horn honks)
449
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,746
Oop! Got a plane
to catch.
450
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:13,653
Oh, come on, Rose! Stop it!
451
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:14,754
(car door closes)
452
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:19,426
All right, fine.
Take your little cab ride.
453
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,761
See you tomorrow.
454
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:23,430
(car drives away)
455
00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:48,288
Okay.
456
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,323
Maybe not tomorrow.
457
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,204
Aw, damn.
458
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:17,384
Hey, Charlie.
459
00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:19,486
Oh, hi. Where's Alan?
460
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,454
In the bedroom.
I have to get up
early for work.
461
00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,490
Right. Well, see you.
462
00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,624
Bye.
463
00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:28,595
Hey, Beverly?
464
00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:31,431
I'm really glad you
and Alan got together.
465
00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:33,966
It's... it's nice.
466
00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:35,735
Thank you.
467
00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:40,940
I hope things work out
for you and your... stalker.
468
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,142
Her name is Rose.
469
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:45,244
Like the flower.
470
00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:46,779
Okey-dokey.
471
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:51,050
See? It's on
our restraining order.
472
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:53,386
Uh-huh. Good night now.
473
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,299
Hey, Alan?
474
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,034
I'm not decent.
475
00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:13,139
Rose is really gone.
476
00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:15,274
What?
477
00:21:15,342 --> 00:21:18,845
I said Rose is gone.
478
00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:21,848
And I feel awful.
479
00:21:21,914 --> 00:21:24,283
Like maybe
I made a huge mistake.
480
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:36,529
Well, we all make mistakes.
32748
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