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(Транскрибовано за допомогою TurboScribe.ai. Оновити до Необмеженого, щоб прибрати це повідомлення.) Oh, excuse me General Eroticus, but the Emperor
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Gluteus Maximus wishes to speak to you.
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General Eroticus, duty beckons you once again to
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the glory of the battlefield.
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The Germany barbarians, they are poised for attack.
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Now go to your troops, they await your
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command.
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And may the gods be with you, General
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Eroticus.
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Soldiers, we have been in many battles together,
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but none as fierce as the one today.
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I want you to look to the man
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to your left, and the man to your
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right.
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He may not come back from this fierce
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battle.
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Today, we fight not only for the glory
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of Rome, and our Emperor Gluteus Maximus, but
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for our families, and our honor.
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All right
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now, just some general housekeeping rules.
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Those of you that do not have your
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shorts to pick them up in the armory
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to the left.
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And one other thing, even though this is
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the woods, it is not a toilet.
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Bathrooms are in the back, to the left.
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Excuse me, I'm Stan from accounting.
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Does anybody know what I'm supposed to be
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doing here?
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Get in line, slug!
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Charge!
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There's crawly things here!
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What they do, guys?
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What?
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Ambrosia!
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Ambrosia!
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Soldier, please fill up my goblet with some
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Ambrosia, please.
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What are you standing there for?
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Fill up my goblet now!
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Glute?
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What am I, one of you?
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Another soldier?
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Ambrosia?
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Ambrosia, please!
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General Eroticus, we are victorious once again!
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You have defeated the barbarian tribe.
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The battle appeared fierce, brutal, vicious, and bloody.
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How was it for you, General?
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Let's just say we licked them.
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Victory!
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Do you see, Eroticus?
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The truth?
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They love you.
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Nah, they just love my tits.
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I can understand that, Eroticus.
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General Eroticus, of all the wondrous things in
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this world, what do you truly wish for
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the most?
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Most of all, I wish for the return
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home to my homeland of Lesbos.
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To listen to the sweet sounds of Etheridge,
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and laugh and jest at the brilliance of
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Degeneres.
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And on Tuesday nights, head down to the
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local playhouse theater for the Xena episodes.
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General Eroticus, Rome is heading straight for chaos.
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It is in need of new, bold, and
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popular leadership that can work with the Senate
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to make Rome great once again.
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But Your Highness, you've shined over Rome for
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so long.
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Nothing is bigger than Your Majesty's gluteus maximus.
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But General, Rome is in need of change.
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I am too old and feeble, and I
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have not long for this world, and I
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cannot bear the burden and responsibility of such
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change.
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Soon, people will forget gluteus maximus, and put
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me behind them.
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But what about your son, Dicus Minimus?
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He'd make a great emperor.
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Dicus Minimus?
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Emperor?
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He is too weak, and flaccid, and small
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of stature.
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He does not have what it takes to
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rule Rome.
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But you, General Eroticus, you do have what
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it takes, and you shall rule all of
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Rome.
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Nah, I don't think so.
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General, promise me you'll sleep on me.
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I mean, on the idea.
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Tonight.
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And get back to me in the morning.
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I am the emperor!
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I am the emperor!
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I am the emperor, my loyal subject, my
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beautiful, wonderful, sister-kind child.
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I am the emperor!
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I am the emperor!
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I am the emperor!
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I am the emperor, you know, sister.
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Well, don't go out and make the t
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-shirts just yet.
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Too late.
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They come in all the colors of the
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rainbow, and they're 100% father-proof.
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Kiss the emperor.
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You may not want to kiss me now,
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dear sister, but you will.
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Very soon.
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Perhaps our father has died in battle.
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If Goliathus Maximus is dead, then you and
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I...
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...will rule Rome as brother and sister.
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Gee, I simply cannot wait.
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Can't you?
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That's a very lovely dress, my sister.
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Where did you acquire it?
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Egypt?
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Yes, I did get it in Egypt.
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I don't believe you.
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Take it off.
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Give it here.
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Let me check it.
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What?
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Take it off.
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Do this.
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Oh, come on.
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Do it.
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Now, pouty, pouty, pout for your brother.
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You are not the emperor yet.
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You know, really, I had to ruin the
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moment, sister.
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Help!
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Guards!
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Guards!
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Ambush!
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Help your emperor!
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Guards!
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Guards!
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Where are you when I need you?
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Your king needs you!
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Guards!
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Father!
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Father!
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Father!
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Father!
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Father!
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Oh, did I miss the battle?
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I was hoping to come out here just
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in time to, like, stab and jab and
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slice...
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...and cut off something from one of these
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barbarians.
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Oh, Dickus, they are barbarians.
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Not bar-varians.
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And stop being such an ass-kissing pansy.
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It makes me sick.
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Well, it's such a glorious day, father, for
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killing.
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And I can't wait to get back to
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Rome to tell everybody how you killed all
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the barbarians out here in the field today.
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By the way, Dickus, where have you been
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during the battle, hmm?
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Have you been playing hide the peanut again
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with sister, perhaps, hmm?
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No!
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Well, one of the wheels went flat on
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the chariot...
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...and we got a little bit lost, and
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you know how women are about asking directions,
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so...
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Yes, Dickus, yes, I know.
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Germany is a very treacherous place, isn't it?
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So, father, about the emperorship I've been practicing,
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tell me, what do you think?
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Do you think you need to be more
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mean, more aggressive, more humble?
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By the way, Dickus, regarding that emperorship...
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...I'm more likely to hand it over to
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a red-haired, blue-eyed eunuch...
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...than I would to deliver it to your
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weak hands.
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Have you lead Rome?
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What?
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Father, how could you say this to me?
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I'm your son.
193
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I'm the rightful heir.
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No, no, I made my decision, Dickus.
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The new emperor of Rome will be Eroticus.
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Eroticus?
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Eroticus, General Eroticus, that just slew all these
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barbarians you see before you.
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Oh, whippy crap, killing some chocolate-making barbarians.
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I'm your son.
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I'm the rightful heir of Rome.
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Rome, not some friggin' soldier out there killing.
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I am the emperor.
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Sour grapes, Dickus?
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Sour grapes?
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Woe is me.
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Father, you know I need this appointment very
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badly.
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I need the power and the wealth.
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How else am I supposed to get the
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chicks?
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I need to be down with the ladies
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in the 280s.
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Oh, Dickus, stop it now already.
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Listen, I'll take you down to the dealership.
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We'll check out the really boss line of
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chariots that you've had your eye on.
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You know, the ones with the sunroof.
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Yes, I'd like to do that.
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Okay, and in the meantime, why don't you
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try stuffing your tunic with something, perhaps?
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No amount of stuffing could conceal the cruel
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joke that the gods have laid on me.
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No.
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Father, stop that.
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What's that over there?
227
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The king is...
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The king is dead.
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You, come closer.
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Very lucky you get to accept my first
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order as emperor of all of Rome.
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Go find that whore, Rhonticus.
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Take her out back and slit her throat
234
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:42,000
like a friggin' pig.
235
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Love you.
236
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Sour grapes, eh?
237
00:20:57,170 --> 00:21:20,870
Ho, ho,
238
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ho, Eroticus.
239
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I will slay you with this sword.
240
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But first, let me slay you with this
241
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one.
242
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Or last, this zipper.
243
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Sometimes the frost makes it stick.
15136
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