Original subtitles

Thank you.

Helen could barely see in the semi -darkness of the drawing room, but there

no mistaking the killer's shoes protruding from beneath the musty

Saddle oxfords.

So, this was John's plan to get rid of her.

Desperate. Frantically.

Frantically, her eyes darted about the room, searching in the twilight shadows

for something, anything, that would save her.

Has to be a way out.

Ah, secret passageway behind the elk's head.

No good, Nicky. We use the secret passage behind the suit of armor in Lust

the Crusades.

That's quite right, dear.

Well, let's see.

Ah, how about she finds Jared's gun in her purse?

No, that's too easy.

No, Helen's got to get out of this one on her own. She's a woman of the 80s.

John's pipe on the mantle. It was so simple, it evaded me.

Ready, dear?

Fire away.

She remembered John's pipe on the mantle.

He always kept it there when he was away.

God let it be there now.

There it was.

She grabbed the calabash and shoved it into the front pocket of her London fog,

holding it like a Roscoe.

It just might work.

Icy tendrils of fear inched up Helen's spine as she inched toward the drapes.

There's a lot of inching going on in that scene, Mickey.

Yes, there was.

Okay.

Icy fingers of fear inched up Helen's spine as she crept.

A little drink.

Much better.

Thank you.

It was now or never.

She jerked back the curtains and stared into the eyes of death.

Drop it, she said.

Startled, the killer did just that.

Get him up!

Helen's voice was strong this time.

Slowly, the killer raised his gloved hands as he stared down at Helen's open

bodice as she stooped to retrieve the gas.

That's a trench coat, dear.

It's an open trench coat, darling.

Ah.

New paragraph.

As she rose upright, the killer ripped Helen's coat and blouse from her

shoulders, pinning her hands to her side.

Her exposed, quivering breasts, heaped with anticipation, their pale, porcelain

softness, almost glowing.

In the murky dim.

Ooh, Nicky.

A single gunshot split the stillness of the night.

Helen backed up. The tall stranger toppled slowly at her feet.

Helen backed towards the wall. The killer's gun in her hand.

Hoist for an echoing encore.

Had she?

New paragraph.

Slowly, deliberately, the killer crawled toward Helen.

Crawling.

Crawling. Crawling.

Crawling! What happened next?

Should she miss the next five shots or freeze up, paralyzed with fear? Either

way, we have to get rid of her.

So John can go after Valerie's millions.

We used that motive in Lust at Lake Placid.

That's quite right.

All right.

Valerie has an abominable week on Wall Street.

She loses everything.

That removes greed as a motive.

I'm getting tired, darling.

Yes, dear. You usually do begin to get tired after the third pitcher of

martinis.

Well, maybe I don't have it anymore.

Be a dear and pour me one, would you?

Here we are.

To luck and to lust.

Lust has been very good to us. Yes, it has.

Now, there's an idea, darling.

What's that?

Lust.

Why not have Helen make love to the killer before he cashes in?

What? That's crazy.

I mean, why would she make love to a guy she just tried to kill?

It's a new twist.

Have the femme fatale do the dying hitman a favor.

Kind of like a black widow spider devouring her mate after sex.

That's what I like about you sugar you do your best of our ring during sex

Would a woman really do that?

I think a lot of women would if the man was handsome enough.

It would ease her guilt over shooting him, and she wouldn't have to worry that

he'd kiss and tell.

No, there's something missing. We need a punch, a payoff.

We still have to get rid of Helen.

I've got it!

I've got it!

We'll have her make love to the killer, all the while holding the drop on him.

And when she pops her cork... He grabs for the gun, and kapow!

She shoots herself, and they both die in a bloody tangle.

Sounds wonderful, dear.

Wonderful? It's pure genius. Come here.

Sit right down here.

Okay.

Paragraph.

Slowly, Helen strips before the killer, her breath coming in quick

heaves of anticipation.

Hello? Nick, it's Cy.

How are you?

It's Schubert.

Fine old man. How are tricks in a big apple? Could be worse.

How's the book?

We got an ending in sight?

Yes, we're working on the last chapter, just working on a few plot problems.

Problems? With what they pay you for these things, you should have problems?

It'll only be a few more days. Nothing to worry about, Cy. War and peace took

less time.

The Bible was quicker.

What are you doing? Carving it in stone?

You're never at a loss for humor. Look, there's nothing to worry about, Cy. Give

me a break, okay, Mr. Big Shot Author?

You make an end of this.

Signal Books is driving me mashugana.

The editor is camped outside my doorstep.

I'm an old man.

All we have to do is polish the ending.

Ending shmending.

All your books are alike anyway.

If you've read one, you've read them all.

Call me when you've got something to tell me.

What did he say, Nicky?

He said if you read one of our books, you read them all.

Now, I know our stuff doesn't belong in the Harvard Classics, but it's not as

bad as all that, is it?

I guess we've been too busy making money to take a second look.

We write shit.

Yes, we write shit.

Right here in this room.

With that electronic robot.

for a thesaurus and these books to crib from.

Agatha Christie, Dashiell Hammett, Raymond Chandler, they were the real

not us.

They kicked around. They found out what made people tick.

Hammett was a detective years before he even sold as much as a semicolon. And

Chandler was a world traveler.

We've got to get out of L .A.

and recharge our batteries.

Well, that's all well and good, darling.

But first, we have to finish this book.

It's not as if we can go gallivanting off on the Orient Express or something.

What did you say?

I said that's all well and good, darling, but it's not... By George,

it. That's it.

That's what I've been waiting for. Pure genius. I love you.

I love you, sugar.

You're not serious.

I've never been more serious in my life. I'll tell you, a trip on the Orient

Express has inspired more writers than whatever.

What? Pack your bags and pack one for pasta, too. By the way, where is pasta?

I don't know.

Pasta! Pasta!

Pasta! Pasta!

Pasta! Pasta!

Pasta! Hey, never mind that. Go get Schubert on the phone.

Look through this.

Forgive me that. You're too young to hear this kind of language.

Look through this. Everything you want to see or hear about the Orient Express.

Hello,

Si?

Not getting a good word from a writer whose name he made a household word

already. Well, tell his corpse that the manuscript will be postmarked from

either Paris or Venice.

Venice, California, I hope you're telling me. Please, God, make it Venice,

California.

Venice, Italy, I have two heart attacks.

Possibly Istanbul.

Istanbul!

Are you crazy?

What'll I tell Signal Books?

I'm having a thrombo already.

Oh, great.

You can tell them that Nick and Nora Chalmers will be taking an extended

vacation in Europe.

And if they want to speak to us, they'll have to buy a ticket on the Orient

Express.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 143. Your passports, please.

Cabin number 5.

Cabin number 2.

Cabin number 4.

Welcome to the 654.

Your

dog

will be quartered in the baggage car.

You and your secretary... You're in cabin number...

Sir,

you're ready.

Welcome to the 654. Thanks. You are in cabin number six.

I'll take that one.

Very well, ma 'am.

Thanks.

Oh, good. Well, let me hear it. Thank you. Thank you.

My good man, do you know who I am?

Let me hear it.

Nope. Clint Reynolds.

Famous movie actor. Perhaps you've seen some of my recent pictures.

In lieu of a tip, I'm going to give you an autographed photo of myself.

Suitable for framing.

There you are, my good man.

In the flesh.

What a very great honor it is to meet you.

I am Leroux.

I have read every one of your books.

My favorite is Lost in the Louvre.

Remember that one?

Like it was yesterday.

Welcome to the 654, monsieur.

Your dog is quartered in the baggage compartment. And your cabin is, um...

Number three.

Elegant wonderful just like in the picture. Yes

Welcome

to

the 654 you are in cabin number one

Put it up there, please.

Thank you.

Very good. Very good. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Come in.

Are you quite comfortable, Lady Ashley?

Quite.

The train will be departing in five minutes.

Ah, monsieur. Yes, yes. Behind this door is your water -flation closet.

Now, if you need anything else, just ask. Well, would you see that we get

of towels, would you? Oh, no, monsieur.

Not from you, I couldn't.

Perhaps by the end of your journey.

Possible to what perhaps you might autograph one of your novels of course,

course With you and madam aboard this trip would be a real adventure.

Oh You flatter us thank you, that's not at all not at all the train leaves in

five days

The decor is simply gorgeous.

What? This brochure, darling. The paneling in the dining car.

The opulence is stunning.

Reminds me of the Hearst Castle.

You know, I can't find my clothes brush. Did you pack it?

Oh, it's in that suitcase.

Oh, good.

Complementary champagne, Monsieur Jean -Bas.

Courtesy of the Wagoneer style.

Merci, merci.

It is our pleasure, sir.

a lot more fun being famous author than Europe darling it's a ball you know it's

going to be very difficult to put up with all this luxury for the next three

days to the Orient Express yes

What are you doing?

Find out who he is. Or was.

Maybe the answer's in here.

Here's his passport.

Yeah.

Jay Cairo.

Where have I heard that name before?

You know, it does have a familiar ring to it.

It was a telegram.

Party traveling on Orient Express.

Stop. Proceed with extreme caution. Stop.

Make contact at your discretion. Stop.

Notify me when situation is terminated.

Stop. Drexel.

Shouldn't we tell someone, LaRue, or the police?

No. If we do that, there'll be a lot of questions we can't answer.

We may even be suspected of this.

I think our safest move is to keep this quiet for a while until we can find out

just what this is all about.

Because one thing's for certain.

What's that, dear?

Whoever killed him is on this train.

No kidding.

We could pretend he's not there for the time being.

Nikki, I don't like this. If someone finds out, we could get in real trouble.

No one's going to find out. Believe me.

We had a similar situation to this in Lust and the Bermuda Triangle. Don't you

remember?

Oh, yes. When the jealous husband hid in the closet waiting to catch his wife

and the calypso dancer.

That's right.

And he got away with it, didn't he? It worked for him.

As I recall, he was in there for four days without being discovered.

That's because the wife and the calypso dancer didn't get out of bed for four

days.

I never did like that chapter.

Too vulgar.

Well, you never said anything before.

We've never been on the Orient Express before.

Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, look at that face.

Those lips, those eyes.

It's a party.

Yeah. And all you have to do is... You know how

to do this.

Beautiful.

and balance.

over that third eye of yours.

I don't think you're quite right for the part. Do you know what I mean?

But I'll tell you what.

People in order, Brat. Those are all myself.

Would Monsieur and Madame care for cocktail or champagne, perhaps?

Champagne would be fine, thank you. Oui, Monsieur.

Nicky, this is gorgeous. It's everything we thought it would be.

It should be a wonder.

May I join you, sir?

Of course, I'd be delighted.

I'm Colonel Kittredge, Rudyard Kittredge.

I must say, I'm surprised to see you in the flesh, young man.

Oh, let me guess.

You've always wanted to meet me?

Well, no, not exactly.

In fact, I thought you were dead.

Damn those tabloids.

Every time I give a freelance journalist an hour of my time, I get tapped in the

back.

Something wrong, Nicky?

Uh, no.

I say it is safer if we reveal the fact that we are carrying the diamond. This

way the passengers are watching each other.

Pardon me, venerable one, but would we not attract too much attention?

For the value of the gem, we could well be... murdered in our beds.

Nicky oh,

I'm sorry dog all the excitement years.

I carried away Bring

me

a very dry martini. We miss you Lady

Ashley

It's so good to finally meet you.

Your late husband, Lord Boothroyd Ashley, was a very good friend of mine,

British Army was in my country.

We spent many evenings together over chess.

He was terribly fond of the re -Lopez technique.

It is so kind of you to remember my dear husband, Jamal Pasha.

I'm only sorry that he's not here to see you donate your family treasure, the

Farrakhan diamond, the Venice Museum.

I understand the trustees will disperse funds equal to the value of the gem to

charity. What is its worth?

Twelve million pounds?

Some rock.

Magnanimous gesture on your part to deliver the diamond personally.

Thank you. It will be a great pleasure to see you.

Clint Reynolds.

You must remember me. I was a house guest in your home in Surrey some years

when I was filming in London.

Mr. Reynolds, I do remember you.

I thought you were dead.

You must come and visit me in Surrey again. Oh, I might just do that.

Oh, perhaps you've seen some of my recent pictures.

Fencing in the rain, massacre at Fort Blood, the disemboweler.

I might have caught one on an airplane.

You were crashing motorcars about or something like that, weren't you?

Frankly. If you've seen one of those films, you've seen them all.

Sound familiar, Nicky?

Thanks for making my day.

I don't care much for that Reynolds, Nora.

You know, I could swear I heard him say something to that British colonel.

What's his name, Kittredge?

Something about stabbing someone in the back.

Well, maybe he was talking about one of his old movies. You know, he really used

to do some awful things back when he was a big star.

What do you mean, when he was playing heavies? Yeah.

Fans loved him as a desperado. As soon as Hollywood tried to turn him into a

hero, he dropped dead.

You know, maybe Jamal Pasha did have something to do with that. He is very

mysterious looking.

Well, looks can be deceiving, darling.

Now, I think Reynolds is mixed up in this somehow.

You know, he could have been Cairo's contact. The telegram did say he made

contact at your discretion.

I'm going to see what I can find in Clint Reynolds' cabin.

He's probably boozing it up in a salon car.

I bet LaRue has a passkey.

What are those for?

There's detective work to be done.

This is the way we impounded this file of ads.

The Kennel murder case.

Now, you lock that door behind me and don't open it for anyone.

Okay. See you later, sugar.

What the devil are you doing here? All right, Reynolds, you do well to

with me.

I have a few questions to ask you.

That's all right.

If I catch you in here again, I'll break your neck.

Expecting someone, Sahib?

It is Lady Ashley.

Sure is.

Please come in.

May we dismiss for the evening?

Yes, Sahib.

Yes, Lady Ashley.

How may I be of service to you this evening?

As it turns out, Jamal, I shan't be able to attend the exhibition in Venice.

I'm going straight to Rome.

I thought perhaps you might show me the diamond now.

Better to show you the moon and stars, fair lady.

The diamond will pale before you're ready in beauty.

I do know how to show appreciation for things of great beauty.

You show me the diamond, and I'll show you a ripping good time.

Sure. The diamond.

You show me yours if I show you mine.

In your country, this game is called doctor, is it not?

You go first

Jamal

it's beautiful

It's usually sometimes called the eye of the earth.

Because it causes an overwhelming torrent of sexual energy to surge and

within those who gaze upon its splendor.

That washed -up, one -note, two -bit, three -time loser.

That incurable hand.

I should have let him have it, but I didn't dare with that stiff in the

Good thinking, Nicky. Did you find anything?

No. I'll tell you one thing.

I don't think Reynolds would have the nerve to murder anyone, let alone the

brains, not to get caught.

You know something?

He wears a corset.

Yes, Lady Ashley.

You certainly do know how to show your appreciation.

Is that John Lopat? Yeah.

Sounds like Gemma Pasha and Lady Ashley are doing their part to improve these

west relations.

And they're doing a good job.

um so

Beatrice, for God's sake, be careful with that. I thought it had burnt off.

It's Mr. Reynolds, Lady Ashley.

Come on in.

What do I owe the pleasure of this visit?

Well, I thought that, uh, well, things being the way they are, on this train,

that is, with all of us being on the same boat, so to speak, I thought

we could help each other get what we're after.

You know what I mean?

No, I don't know.

Could you possibly be more vague?

Well, in short, I... I, um, have a proposition for you.

Beatrice, you may take breakfast now.

Yes, ma 'am.

Tell me, Mr. Reynolds, what sort of proposition did you have in mind?

I've been out there, of course, for many years, but you were interested in what

the women were like, and the comparison between them and the women back here. I

get out of there, again, because, well, really, there is a limit to what one can

do.

The difference, really, I think, is the way they look, because the women out

there tend to have these really large, pendulous buttocks, and the breasts that

hang down, you know, things that you might see on one of those temples

New Delhi. I was stationed in New Delhi for many years.

Goodbye. Oh, good day, good day. Mind if I join you?

Have a seat, please.

Thank you, Governor.

Tell me, how's Lady Ashley this morning?

Oh, she's all right.

She's attending to some personal business.

So continue, Colonel Kitchen. You were telling us about the fuzzy wuzzies. Did

mention that the fuzzy wuzzies run around the jungle completely naked?

No. Well, the males, of course, wear these enormous penis sheaths that stick

straight out in front, covering their entire penis.

Imagine what would happen if you ran into a tree when you were wearing one of

those.

Thank you.

Bye.

Okay.

I'll be the decoy.

And as soon as they're gone, you go in and grab the rock.

And then we split 50 -50, right?

50 -40.

Okay, if I get the 60.

I have to pay the interest.

I get the 60.

Drive a hard bargain, then you drive a hard tool.

You know better.

I've had second thoughts about that part.

Why don't we talk about it again?

You know, I tell you, I... I wish I could have eaten another piece of that

Bavarian rum cake.

It was good.

Yes, I couldn't fit it on the table.

It's just a fault.

Mr. Leroux, I have just returned from the salon car, and the Farrakhan diamond

has been stolen from this compartment.

Mr. Leroux?

Sometime within the last hour.

No. If I were to leave, I don't know what to say, Mr. Leroux.

You must promise me, Mr. Leroux.

That you would not breathe a word to the other prostitutes about this most

unfortunate incident.

It will be a matter for the Venice police upon our arrival.

Of course it is.

I won't breathe a word.

Someone pinched the Farrakhan diamond.

What a vacation.

Dead bodies falling through the door. Grand larceny. What's next? Mass rape?

No, whoever killed Cairo is probably in on the theft.

Maybe his contact double -crossed him.

Well, $12 million is a good motive for murder, I suppose.

Who do you think did it?

I don't know, but if Lady Ashley lost everything but her title to the IRS or

ERS or whatever they call it in Britain, that diamond would be very tempting.

Lady Ashley was in Jamal Pasha's cabin last night.

Good girl. You see, all the pieces are falling together.

I've got to get into Lady Ashley's cabin alone.

Maybe tomorrow.

Well, you'll figure something out, I'm sure. In the meantime, let's go to bed.

Go to bed?

What are you doing here?

Waiting for you, Beatrice.

Go on.

You're pulling me back.

What are you really doing in here?

Well, you know I'm a writer.

Oh, yeah.

Your books are very popular.

Read one I did once.

Oh, yeah? Which one?

Lust on the Subway.

Do you remember, Beatrice, in that one where the flower girl, Sylvia, was

kidnapped by Chinese midgets?

Oh, that was the best part.

when they drug her into that opium den and dressed up like the Seven Dwarves. I

hated being alone that night.

Well, the book I'm writing at the moment takes place in London.

And there's a character very much like you.

Go on.

No, I'm serious.

She's secretary to Lady Pembleton.

Her name is Gwendolyn. Really?

That's incredible.

Got a cousin named Gwendolyn.

Well, Lady Pembleton lives in London.

Where does Lady Ashley live?

Oh, uh...

Renting a flat in Piccadilly.

It's a temporary, mind you.

She doesn't live in Surrey?

Not no more.

Oh, I forgot.

I'm not supposed to tell a soul.

You won't let Lady Ashley know I told you. Why, she'd sack me sure.

I'm sure we can work something out.

All right.

I'll give in.

Have your way with me.

No, no, that's not what I meant.

I won't tell on you if you do the same for me.

I wouldn't want Lady Ashley to know that I was here getting background on my

book. And please, don't tell my wife either.

You know what I mean?

Oh, I think we can work something out.

How long have you worked for Lady Ashley?

Um, two years going on.

Two good ones, I hope.

Are you happy working for her?

Well, I mean, you got a big one.

This Lady Ashley, she seems like a nice person, is she?

Oh, she's all right.

Doesn't like me having a good time, though.

Says I get too familiar with strange men.

Can you imagine?

Well, Lady Ashley seems like she would have a lot of friends.

Wasn't she going to meet one of them on this train? I thought I overheard her

say so.

My, my.

But you're dedicated to your craft.

Well, let nothing stand in your path, you won't.

Wasn't Lady Ashley going to meet a friend on the Oregon Express?

A little man in a white suit?

I've seen him.

Where? On the telly.

You know, on that fantastic island with the Spaniard.

Mr. Chalmers, I think you've got midgets on the brain.

No, Beatrice, no. Not the plane. The train.

Cairo. Cairo.

Well, this train doesn't go to Cairo. It stops in Venice.

If you don't mind, I'd like to finish what I started.

We haven't got all day, you know.

I'm the kind of girl who likes to have her cock and eat it too.

Mr. Chalmers.

Promise not to tell my wife.

You promised not to tell Lady Ashley.

I'll promise not to tell your wife.

Is it a deal, mate?

Are you sure you want to do that, Mr. Chomp?

Looks like a safe bet.

Well, as a writer of such clever mysteries, you must know that looks can

deceiving.

Damn.

My mind just isn't on the game tonight.

That makes three nights in a row.

So as long as we keep our cool, we'll be home free.

No one could possibly expect me of anything.

Jamal Parker looks pretty chipper for a man who just lost 12 million pounds.

In fact, he's got a smile on his face like he just knocked off a really wild

piece of ad.

Don't worry, Lady A.

No one can hear us.

It would seem to be your move, sir. In more ways than one.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, Colonel.

I've had about enough of this spellbinding contest.

Would you mind escorting me back to my cabin?

I would be delighted, my dear.

Thank you.

End of mate.

That makes 400.

It's a good thing your books are still so popular, Mr. Charles.

Well, 400 doesn't break me, Pasha.

We'll settle up in Venice as we agreed.

I've got to be turning in.

Give my best to Mrs. Chalmers.

Or is it me?

Where'd you get that?

Colonel Kittredge gave it to me.

Belonged to his wife.

He wanted me to try them on.

Oh.

Well, did you?

Yes, I did.

Did you have fun?

Yes.

Probably not as fun as you had with Beatrice.

I'm sorry, darling.

Forget it.

I trust you will forget it.

Forget what? I already forgot what I was supposed to forget.

What's the progress in the sleuthing?

Oh, it's very good, and you can be a lot of help.

You know, I noticed that Colonel Kittredge passed a small dark pouch to

bartender.

Pretty suspicious.

He hid it under the bar.

Now, if you could go back there and take a look.

I might find the Farrakhan diamond.

Not to be pronounced too quickly.

Oh, Madame Charmer.

Having trouble sleeping?

Yes, I thought a drink might help.

The salon car is closed, Madame.

But for us tonight, we can make next session, no?

Let me lock the door.

So we could be alone.

I seem to have lost an eyelash.

What is, Madame, pleasure?

You did say you wanted a drink, did you not?

But then, the American women so rarely say what it is you really want.

Aren't you being a little bit presumptuous, Francois?

It would seem that both your lashes are in place, Madame.

Oh, well, they're the new kind. You put them on individually.

You know, for the natural look.

Play your little game, if you must.

There is no reason for games, madame.

On the Orient Express, when the moon is full.

Francois, I'm a married woman.

Yes, madame.

And it is noble of you to remember the fact, in spite of your husband's

occasional lapses.

Whatever took you so long? Oh, I thought you were my wife.

The bourbon you requested, monsieur?

Oh, yes, thank you. I had quite a time finding any of this. My

wife went to...

Yes, Mr. Chalmers, you were saying?

My wife. He went to the baggage car to check on our little dog. Oh, of course,

Mr. Chalmers.

And how is your little dog weathering the trip?

Dogging.

Now,

I'm so tired.

I'm going to fit a sack. Do you need any items for your water closet, mister?

Wait!

What is wrong, monsieur?

I will bring you fresh towers in the morning.

Well, good night, Francois.

Well, good night, madame.

And thank you for being so considerate.

I can't believe how many women I serve in this train who never even leave me a

tip.

Very unusual tea.

Yes.

Tea.

Very nice though. Yes.

We have to discuss, as Beth said in private. That's why we're here.

We want to help you now that the diamond's been stolen.

How did you know the diamond was stolen?

I wasn't sure.

But you just proved it was.

You better tell us if you know anything.

Think of what your master would do to you if he thought you stole it.

Nicky, you don't have to be so cold. Can't you see the poor girl is scared

of her wits? Why don't you just shine a light in her eyes?

There, there.

I was just teasing him for being such a beast.

Men are such beasts sometimes.

Now, we're only here to help you. Nikki overheard Pasha telling Lulu that the

diamond was stolen.

We just want to find out what's going on.

We're only here to help you, not to hurt you.

Is this Italy?

Yes, I believe it is Italy.

We are due in Venice very soon.

Yes? Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

No, I must remain a virgin until I'm married. But you can penetrate me here.

Oh!

Yes,

New Delhi is very nice.

I'm much looking forward to seeing it

Well, you'll have to discuss that with my husband. All right, Pasha. Tell your

boy to back off. Otherwise, LaRue here will turn everything we know over to the

Venice Police.

Better. Now, there's no reason why we can't be civilized about this.

So, you thought you could get away with the old diamond theft trick, huh? It's a

pity you didn't read Lust Horizon.

In that one, I demonstrated just how such a plot can work.

Obviously, you're dead.

I have no idea what you're talking about, Mr. Chops.

And as for reading your trash, the mind is a temple.

I do not believe in polluting it with waste material.

Talking about this, you raghead.

You'd better explain yourself, sir, before my patient is exhausted.

Does the name Jake Cairo mean anything to you?

No. No?

You don't know anything about a little man in a white suit?

A dead little man with a knife sticking from his back.

I was on to you when I overheard you tell LaRue that the Farrakhan diamond

stolen. Oh, did you know that, monsieur?

I would think you of all people would know the answer to that question, LaRue.

Act for this sort of thing. In any case, I decided to make a thorough search of

Clint Reynolds' cabin to see if I could find a link between him and the murdered

man, Jay Cairo.

And did you?

Uh, no.

You were sort of thrown off course, I believe. I'll admit I was baffled for a

while, but as usual, I figured it out.

What has all this got to do with me? I was coming to that.

You, Jamal Pasha, faked the theft.

The American diamond was never stolen except by its owner.

And why in the name of Allah would I do that?

For the insurance money, of course.

Which brings me to the identity of the murdered man. I am convinced that Jay

Cairo was working for your underwriter. He was on to your plans, so you had him

killed before he could squawk.

How did you know that?

I don't know. It's the only thing that makes sense.

And I suppose Hassan here carried out the ghastly deed under my orders?

No, I'm not suggesting that. At least not that Hassan did it.

He would be the obvious suspect.

No, Pasha, you're much too clever for that.

You would have found someone above suspicion.

Someone in need of money.

Like an out -of -work actor, so desperate.

He would do anything to be able to maintain his high roller lifestyle.

You're getting funnier by the minute, Chalmers.

I haven't come to the best part yet.

You see, in a situation like this, a fall guy is needed, so the insurance

company will buy the theft as genuine.

Now, I know that Lady Ashley visited your cabin the first night after dinner.

You two were there alone. No doubt you decided to blame her.

That wasn't very smart, Pasha.

No one.

Would ever believe that a woman of her social status and financial holdings

could be a part of such a thing.

Oh, this is becoming idiotic. If you must know, the Farrakhan diamond hasn't

been stolen at all.

Of course not.

Here it is.

Oh, this is a stupid fake I use when traveling.

Do you think I'm so foolish as to leave the Farrakhan diamond in a place where

anyone can get their hands on it?

Cut him out.

is a freaking diamond, and that is where it has been for the last three days.

Oh, I see.

Oh, yes.

Wonderful.

By faking the theft, you stop anyone who's planning on stealing it.

Brilliant.

That's why she didn't want me to. To what?

Very clever.

I might use this in my next book. In fact, I think I will. I think I will use

this in my next book.

I had it planned down to the last detail.

I spent my last pound making this trip. And for what?

Jamal, it's all your fault.

You've tricked me.

I'll never forgive you for this.

Breathless piece of rock.

Rats!

Hold on, everybody.

We're still faced with a murder here.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Why are we taking this pompous bag of wind's word for anything?

How do we know there's even been a murder?

Oh, there's been a murder, all right.

And the killer's hidden a body to cover his trail.

There's only one man left who could have done it.

Only one other person who could have killed Jay Cairo.

Did someone mention my name?

You're dead.

What happened? Who took you? Nobody took me. I've been hiding in the baggage car

for two days.

I had to sit down.

That little bathroom was killing my back.

And that baggage car was no picnic either.

There's a crazy German there who thinks the Second World War is still going on.

Who is this man?

Oh, allow me. J. Cairo, literary agent at your service.

Literary agent?

Yes. Excuse the colorful theatrics. It was necessary.

It was the only way I could keep my eye on you two.

Keep an eye on us? Why?

For my employer.

Signal Books.

They were afraid something might happen to you on this trip.

And my instructions were to stay as close to you as possible.

But there were no more reservations on the train, no more accommodations.

So this was the only way I could think of. It was all arranged by your agent in

New York, Cy Schubert.

this all about? Who was that man anyway?

That, Mr. Chalmers, is Chief Inspector Spinezzo of the Venice Police, who has

been traveling on vacation.

Some people occasionally use the train for that purpose.

Inspector, huh?

Ah, maybe sometime he and I can have a little chat. Compare theories on crime.

You, you imbecile!

Never in my 20 years of service on this train have I encountered anyone like

you. It is you who should be turned over to the police.

Your help.

ruined this trip for my passengers, disrupted our service, and even accused

people of being criminals.

We are lucky if we are not sued.

If you're ever in Surrey, do drop by. I don't live there anymore.

Bad show, boy. Bad show.

Don't give up your day job.

I don't know why they're taking it so seriously.

Like anybody's been murdered or anything.

Excuse me, Mr. Reynolds, your film's on total trash. I'm not interested.

Now, this one, this one is beautiful, but for $2 million, we could... This

was tailor -made for me, and you could pick the leading lady.

Trash is trash, Mr. Reynolds. Oh, no, no, this isn't trash.

Well, garbage, then.

Where did I go wrong?

I don't understand. Everything seemed to fit so well.

Don't let it bother you, dear. There were two attempts to steal the diamond.

All those copies, I wouldn't put it past any of them.

There just wasn't a murder, that's all.

Wait till I get my hands on Schubert. I'll show you murder.

It's just a shame this trip didn't inspire you like you thought it would.

Wait a minute.

That's it.

What's it?

Ah, sugar.

You're a genius.

Nicky, what are you talking about? What am I talking about?

Inspiration. Don't you see? Don't you realize what's just happened to us?

got a great story here. The one that just happened to us on this train.

No more reaching for books to crib from. No more memory brimming with cliches.

Of course, there are a few details that might be altered here and there, or

maybe even improved on.

Mickey, I haven't seen you this inspired about writing a new book ever.

Maybe this one will be substantial.

Maybe this one will be really good.

Good? It'll be brilliant. And I've got the perfect title.

You have? What is it?

Lust on the Orient Express.