Original subtitles

[soft music playing]

["Jingle Bells" by Ale Rojas playing]

[Claudia] It's four days before Christmas,

and it's 70 degrees.

[chuckles] Only in East L.A.

[barking] East L.A. may be thousands of miles from the North Pole,

but it doesn't lack Christmas spirit.

["Jingle Bells" continues]

- [in Spanish] Take care, son! - Always, Mom.

Baby! Your lunch!

- Thank you. - You got it. Good morning.

- Good morning! - Good night.

Dirty woman!

[in English] I'm not dirty, I'm clean. I spread love around.

[Bennie] ♪ I'm dreaming ♪

♪ Of a brown Christmas ♪

♪ Just like the ones in Mexico ♪

♪ Just like every wetback in town ♪[laughs]

♪ I miss the cockfight season ♪

[Claudia] In the North Pole they have little helpers

that do all the hard work.

In Los Angeles, they're called Mexicans.

There's many stories about Christmas,

but here is a tale that has never been told before,

and, perhaps, will never be forgotten.

♪ With borrachos drinking ♪

♪ And police lights blinking ♪

♪ And you don't have no ID to show ♪

[instrumental Christmas music playing]

Daddy's little girl is coming home for Christmas!

[distant honking]

- [music playing on videogame] - [roars]

Big thanks from all of us here at Area 51 Studios.

We hope to be bringing Alien Zombie Wars to a galaxy near you.

[Toby] Leif, what can I say?

You've exceeded every one of our expectations.

Yes.

Not only will this satisfy every youngster's innate ADHD...

- [text alert] - ...it's gonna bring people together

through some internalized rage tendencies,

some fantasies to fulfill right there.

Bravo!

Hey... Leif? You still with us?

Oh, I'm sorry, Toby, I, uh...

I gotta go. Um...

I'm afraid it's an emergency.

We were just about to discuss the contract--

- [call disconnects] - [soft music playing]

- [chuckles] - To the woman of my dreams.

Mm-hmm.

I would like to spend

my hard-earned airline miles and Christmas bonus,

thank you very much, Alien Zombie Wars,

to fly her to the land of dreams.

For this holiday season, we're going to the spectacular,

- romantic paradise... - [phone ringing]

- ...of... oh! - [phone vibrating]

- Um... it's okay. - [ringing stops]

It-it's just my dad. He just...

Somehow always has a sixth sense

to call at exactly the wrong moment.

- Okay... - You were saying?

[chuckles]

For the best girlfriend a geek like me could ask for...

you have won an all expenses paid trip

- down to... - [phone ringing]

[phone vibrating and ringing]

- ["Jingle Bells" playing over phone] - You hear that?

[laughs] That's you when you were five years old

at the St. Francis beauty pageant

before you became a big shot in New York.

Hey, so guess what?

You're gonna have a chance to sing your favorite Christmas song again,

because I am having my first annual

Mexican Hispanic American Chicano Christmas

and we're so happy that you're coming home

to spend Christmas con la familia!

- Do you wanna get that? - Um...

[Bennie indistinct]

Yeah. Mm. I'm sorry.

Um... I'm just gonna talk to him real quick, okay?

It'll take, like, two seconds.

- Okay. - Yeah? Okay?

- I'll be back. - Love you.

[Bennie laughing]

[music continues over phone]

What-- who said I was coming home for the holidays?

And, Dad, I'm an assistant editor.

I-I've been working at the magazine for barely two months.

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

[hums melody]

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

Okay, Dad? Dad?

Christmas is in like...

Okay, you can't just spring a 3,000 mile trip on me at the last minute.

[stammers] I have to talk to my--

My boss.

No, no, no, here's the beautiful thing.

- I already called your boss and I told her... - You did what?!

...about all the things you used to do when you were little,

how we knew you were gonna be big in fashion,

and you were dressing up los perritos and having a fashion show

and you were nine years old, and I told her that, you know,

you wanted to come over here to be with your family

and she said that they are gonna be closed

between Christmas and New Year's, and she didn't mind if you left a day early!

- ♪ Feliz Navidad ♪ - [clears throat] Okay.

Um, Dad, I'm gonna have to call you back, okay?

And here's your room. [in Spanish] It hasn't changed.

Oh, he said hey![in Spanish] Doggie, say Merry Christmas!

- Bye! Mm-hmm. - [Bennie speaking indistinct]

Mm-hmm. I'm hanging up now, okay?

- I'm hanging up. - I can't hear you. Huh?

- Bye-bye. - Hurry up--

[sighs]

[Claudia] Oh, no.

Can you believe him? Did you hear that?

He wants me to go spend the holidays with them.

- He-- - I know. [chuckles] It's...

Well, do you wanna hear something amazing?

That's exactly where I was planning on taking us for the holidays.

Wha--

To spend them with my family in East L.A.?

That's your idea of the "ultimate romantic paradise"?

No, well, I know how important family is to you,

so actually what better gift

to a girl who lives so far from home?

- [needle scratch] - You're kidding, right?

- I'm totally joking, yeah. - Oh, okay, I was gonna say.

- 'Cause that's crazy. - I'm actually...

I'm not joking. Look, I got the tickets.

- What? No, you didn't. - Yeah.

- No, you didn't. - Yeah, I did.

Um... I mean...

I mean, I do miss them.

But, babe, I'm not gonna wish

spending Christmas with my family upon anyone.

Look, I just wanna make you happy. You know?

Would spending the holidays with your family make you happy?

[quietly] Yeah.

- We're doing this? - Yes.

- [whines] Are you sure? - Yes!

- A hundred percent? Positive? - Yeah.

I mean, call your dad back and tell him you got a new boyfriend or...

- Um... - It's like he doesn't know I exist, so...

It's okay, don't worry.

- My Dad loves surprises. - [knocking]

I hate surprises.

Take this check,

take that gift, give it to your mom.

[in Spanish] Heck! You don't speak!

[in English] Damn!

[Mexican accordion music playing]

[Claudia] Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad!

Happy 25th.

No matter how you say it,

you can't help but to say it with a smile,

but this year,

Christmas will come in a different shape and form,

one that I could've never imagined,

one that would change my father's unwilling heart forever.

- [sighs] - [in Spanish] Mr. Sanchez, my house is your house.

[in Spanish] No, love. My father's house is definitely his house.

Huh?

[accordion music continues]

Am I the first White guy to set foot in this neighborhood or--

No. No, no, no. Mm-mm.

Most of the police are White.

I mean, I'm sure your dad's gonna love

you bringing home a gringo boyfriend.

Aww, my beautiful gringuito!

My father is an equal opportunity boyfriend hater, okay?

'Kay.

[whimsical music playing]

[Lucky] Hey, look, it's mini-Mario Lopez.

Hey, what's up, ese?

What's in the box, eh? I'm hungry.

Me, too! Hey, throw me a bear claw!

Hey, fool, you're on a diet, remember?

No carbs, ese.

That's right, ese. You know how much I love conchitas.

- Hey, what color, fool? - Don't tell nobody, homie,

but the pink one, ese.

Ah, that's what up, fool, that's what's up!

- Want some right now? - Let's-let's go.

[doorbell rings]

Ooh.

[in Spanish] Oh, my God! Good morning, miss!

[in English] Javier de la Torre, at your service.

Of course you are.

You must be Carmencita.

[in Spanish] Dummy, your mommy!

Hey, don't be mean.

- Come in! - Thank you!

[Tita in English] Who is it?!

Home delivery services.

How are my favorite ladies on the block doing today?

- [in Spanish] Very, very well! [chuckles] - Beautiful.

[in English] I just stopped by to bring you ladies some pan dulce.

Thought it would be good with your cafecito.

[in Spanish] Who cries when given free bread?

[laughs]

- You brought my favorites! - Yes, of course!

Yummy!

Would you like a coffee?

I can't stay, I'm sorry.

[in English] I'm running late for an appointment. Big remodel in Brentwood.

Well, we're open 24/7.

- [laughs] - [in Spanish] You are shameless!

- [in Spanish] I gotta run. Gabbie, see you soon! - Okay, son.

[in English] By the way,

- you ladies should be arrested. - Why?

I heard it was against the law to look so beautiful.

[in Spanish] Oh, come on!

This smartass.

[in English] I dated a guy like him once.

You dated someone that looks like everyone.

Mm-hmm.

[in Spanish] Jeez , I told this guy to call me...

[in English] and he text me back.

[in Spanish] And why don't you call him?

Porque he should be calling me.

- The lawyer from last night? - No, no, no. That was Hector.

This is Fernando, the computer programmer.

You need a computer just to keep track.

- Okay, so, but-- pero... - That's not a bad idea.

We miss you. So, when are you arriving?

- [Tita gasps] - Mm-hmm.

[in Spanish] Very well.

[in English] Okay? Okay, hurry. Okay. You guys, guess what?

¿Qué?

Mi Claudita is on her way!

[in Spanish] What a beautiful surprise!

Check it out. My suegro's here.

That's my suegro, homie.

[scoffs, in Spanish] These losers...

Hey, when did you guys get out?

Hey, vato, what's up?

What's that? You got the cramps?

Hey, do what my mother-in-law does. She lights a candle at night.

What'd you say, ese?

Hey, don't be disrespecting the homeboy, ese.

You guys disrespect this neighborhood

every time you stand out here. Don't you guys work?

[stuttering] Y-y-y-yeah,

and-and Casper's working on his probation,

I'm working on a new s-s-song,

and Lucky's working on a tasty,

- delicious mal-mal-malt liquor. - That's right.

That's what you guys need, more shit to make you stupid.

[Casper] Hey, Bennie, word on the street is,

your daughter's coming home.

Yeah, she's real fine, ese.

Don't talk about my daughter, man. Don't look at her.

Hey, cálmate, homes.

I bet you she's all telenovela style.

Them homegirls be hotter than two lizards

sleeping on a rock in the middle of the desert.

The trash is Tuesday. Let me go inside

and I'll get you some aspirin for your cramps, eh?

What the hell does that mean, fool?

I'm--

[rapping in Spanish] You saw me arriving running

And so maybe I'll go

You should know the stories.

Quick, vato.

What's three plus four minus one,

divided by shut the fudge up, homie?

"Fudge"? "Shut the fudge up"?

Hey, homes, what the hell was that?

I told you, ese, I quit bad words cold turkey.

And now, I'm a born-again cholo,

so shut the fudge up, homie.

- I don't get it. - But how can you be born again?

Ow, my head hurts.

[inhales]

- Whoa. - [door closes]

Save that pose for later.

Ay, Bennie, you broke my Zen, hombre.

I think you should be more concerned with breaking your back.

It's yoga, Bennie. You don't break your back.

You should try it, so maybe you're more flexible in life.

No, no, no. Where I come from,

if they catch you in a position like that, you'll get beat up.

Where do you want me to put the presents?

[in Spanish] Where they always go, love, under the tree.

Ah.

Ay. Ay.

Gordo, we need to get a new tree.

[in Spanish] This one is all raggedy and sparse!

[in English] It doesn't even feel like Christmas,

it doesn't smell like a real tree.

Oh. Espera. [chuckles] Look at this.

Uh, "Wild forest pine.

Bring the essence of the forest into your home."

- [laughs] Ay, Benicio. - [laughs]

Don't waste it. We need it when you go hacer caquita.

Okay, well then, you know what? I'm gonna get a real Christmas tree.

A traditional Hispanic, Mexican-American Christmas tree.

- Okay, and how's that? - Because Claudia's coming home,

and as a family we're gonna have

a traditional Hispanic Mexican American Christmas, so...

and it's gonna be the best Christmas ever, you know.

Uh-huh. And when did you think of this

and why am I the last one to know?

Because you always say no.

- What's going on, Bennie? - Nada.

[in Spanish] Tell me.

[in English] What's going on here?

Is something going on?

[in Spanish] Tell me.

[in English] What you thinking?

[in Spanish] Okay, let's see, baby.

Mi gordito, you really miss your baby.

Is that what this is all about, eh?

This is where she belongs.

- Where? - She's so far away, you know,

[speaks Spanish] I mean, what's wrong with L.A.?

We could see her on the weekends.

Remember when we used to go out and--

[in Spanish] Wait a second, Benito!

[in English] Not always about you.

She landed a big job,

she's got her new gig in the fancy magazine, what she wanted.

Can we be happy for her?

Can we or no?

- Yeah, no, I'm happy for her. - You know, yeah.

I just wanna show her that I can plan the best

and most Feliz Navidad that she's ever had.

Okay, well that's good. Oh, you drive me crazy.

- Oh! [laughs] - You drive me crazy!

[in Spanish] You are so stubborn! Come here!

Ay, I love you, my yoga mama. Mira!

- Hey, watch this. I'm gonna do it, too. - ¿Qué?

[in Spanish] Okay! Let's see. Show me your skills.

Now stretch your legs. Jeez! Wait!

- Cramp, cramp! - You have to warm up!

- Where does it hurt? - My butt!

- Where? - No, my butt!

- Here? Where? - There, there...

[Latin hip-hop playing on boombox]

[Casper] Hey, vatos!

What's that fool doing?

[Lucky] He's bringing Christmas to the streets, eh?

[Mighty] Hey, Bennie, what are you doing, fool?

- Christmas ain't over yet, eh? - Merry Christmas.

Don't smoke it.

Hey, follow me, homie.

Hey, go check it out, homies. I got your back.

Damn, that tree is jacked up.

Hey, that's what's up, ese. I could take this

to those disadvantaged, underprivileged kids, homie.

You mean h-h-h-homeless kids or orphans?

My kids, vato. I'm taking this home.

Vámonos, fool, before he changes his mind, ese.

[Lucky] Hey, have you ever smoked a-a Christmas tree before?

- No, man. - Well, you see, it was flying reindeers

and dancing gingerbreads, homie.

Forget your kids. Let's smoke that, homie.

Let's go, homie. Come on. Watch out, homie.

Let's go, fool.

Hey, don't be starting to smoke without me, ese.

Who got the lighter? Who got the lighter?

[all yelling]

Mini, we already got a mini vato.

[Latin hip-hop playing]

Come on, m'hijo.

Try to stay sober this year. Vamos.

- Feliz Navidad! - [yelps]

- Ah, you're home! - [laughs]

Oh my God, you're home. I missed you so much.

- I know! I missed you so much! - Oh, my God. Look at you.

- I have something to tell you. - I have something to tell you, too.

- Uh-huh? - You're daddy's little girl forever.

[squeals, laughs]

- I'm so glad you're home. - No. Okay, Dad.

You'll have to let go. I can't breathe.

- Come on. - [exhales] Okay. [laughs] I have a surprise for you.

Come back from New York, [in Spanish] you are full of surprises!

- [squealing] - Yeah!

Mommy!

[in Spanish] How is my baby?!

[squealing and laughing]

[Tita in Spanish] Wow! My baby so skinny!

[in English] Too much tofu in New York?

[Gabbie in Spanish] Don't worry, we are gonna enjoy

plenty of tacos, chilaquiles and tortillas.

Um... ahem.

- [Claudia chuckles] - [Bennie in Spanish] What's going on?

Um, okay, uh...

Ahem, Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend, Leif.

Leif, Mom and Dad.

- Your boyfriend? - Mm...

¿Un gringo?

[in Spanish] Hey, how are you, Sr. Sanchez?

[laughs]

[in Spanish] What did he say?

- It's-- - He meant to say hello.

No, no. That's fine, I just wanna hear it from him.

Mr. Sanchez, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

- [both Spanish] That's it! - What did he say his name was?

- Leif. Mucho gusto. - What's that mean?

[in English] I'm Gabbie, Claudita's mom.

Nice to meet you, and this is Carmencita, y la abuela Tita.

- [in Spanish] Welcome, Leif! - Thank you!

- Welcome to the family, huerito. - Ay! Welcome to the family.

Mr. Sanchez, thank you so much. I am so excited.

I've never been in a Mexican home before.

- [Carmen laughs] - This is crazy!

[laughs] A Mexican's home.

- [Carmen laughs] - [mutters]

"A Mexican home." Okay. Okay.

Family meeting in the Mexican home right now!

- Ooh! - [overtalk]

I mean, "a Mexican home."

What did he say, did you hear?

What does he think? We sleep on chile?

[in Spanish] Darn it!

- [Mighty] That fool is mad-mad! - [Lucky] Last time I saw him that mad

was when I took his lawnmower, dog.

[Casper] Got the white boy in the back.

Look at him. He's looking at us.

Not even her type, dog.

Thought she was into cholos.

[Lucky] I don't like the way that fool looked at me, dog.

[Mighty] So, you wanna go bang, ese?

- [Casper] I'm ready, fool. - Come on, man. Let's go jump him in.

[Lucky] I'm serious. Think he has money?

[bottle cap clinking]

[suspenseful music playing]

Did you know about this? Did you know?

No, I didn't know anything.

[in Spanish] We didn't know anything! You kept the secret very well!

- Since when? - [laughs] Shh, he's gorgeous.

- You see? - How come you didn't tell me?

I-- uh-- [stammers]

I wa... I wanted it to be a surprise.

Yeah, that wasn't a surprise. That was an ambush.

You think we were surprised when the Americans went and invaded Mexico?

And afterwards all the Mexicans are hanging out,

"Mira nomás, wow, what a surprise!"

[laughs]

[in Spanish] Benicio, please stop!

- You're overreacting like a little bit. - [laughs] Don't worry.

[in Spanish] Bring it down a notch! He's listening!

Don't be rude to him.

[Bennie] Hey, hey, he was rude to me first.

I wanted a Brown Christmas, not a White Christmas.

Okay? I wanted a traditional Christmas,

con las abuelas, los tíos, las tías,

tamales, and all your cousins playing in the street,

hurting themselves, así, a Mexican Christmas.

How about you just-- you give him a chance

before you start judging him, okay?

Give me a chance.

[in Spanish] He is like a cannellini bean, among the black beans.

What's un chance? Is that his dad's name?

Next thing you know, we'll be carrying water como pendejos.

What time does the movie start?

[in Spanish] Jeez! What a temper!

[Gabbie laughs, speaks Spanish]

Hey, nothing that a tequila can't fix.

- Leaf. - It's Leif.

Uh, yes, yeah, I know. Make yourself at home, hmm?

Mrs. Sanchez, I know this is a surprise.

- See, Mr. Sanchez, he called Claudia... - Yeah.

...invited her home for Christmas.

- That's the only-- - Yeah. No, no, no, don't worry.

You don't have to explain yourself.

The most important thing is that you're both here.

I just wanted to surprise him.

Well, you did surprise him, m'hijita, you did.

You even surprised la Tootsie aquí.

You even surprised me. Why are you keeping secrets like that, huh?

- Baby, come on. - Have a seat, Leaf.

- Uh, it's Leif. - [laughs]

[in Spanish] Yes, I know! What an ugly name!

- [Claudia] Stop. - Gracias.

[in Spanish] Have a seat. What? It's true!

[Tita shushing]

[in Spanish] He's so sweet.

- He looks like a good guy! Right? - Yes, I know.

Okay. I have to have a serious talk with Dad.

And I have a date with a chela.

Chela?

Uh, Coachella?

Ah [coos]...

A chela.

What do you want to drink? What do you want to drink, eh?

[Gabbie speaks Spanish]

What about a Mexican candy?

Gracias.

Guys... it's gonna be okay.

- Yeah. - [muffled music playing]

Hey, is that fool checking me out or what?

- [sighs] - What's up, ese? What's up?

[sighs]

- Mm. - [Leif sighs]

Tito.

I feel like I'm starting

the next Mexican American war here.

I'm sorry, babe.

I-- I'm sorry!

- [playing melody] - Oh.

I'm surprised my crib still isn't in here.

You know, Claudia,

if this is gonna be an issue with your family,

I feel like I should probably just go.

- What? No. - Yeah.

Come here. Come here.

It's not my family.

It's my father.

He just needs to get to know you

in the same way that I know you.

I love you.

- I love you, too. - [Gabbie] Ay, ay, ay!

[in Spanish] Oh, my God!

[sighs]

[wincing] I think I strained-- I think I strained my back.

Ah! I go get the Vicks. It's good for broken backs.

Okay, you breathe... y ahí vas.

You breathe... No, espérate.

- Ay, ay, ay... - [Gabbie wincing]

[in Spanish] Wow, what happened to you?!

How did you get tangled up like this?

Don't be a jerk. Don't film this.

- Talk to the camera, sis! - Stop, Carmen.

Heal, heal, little frog's tail!

- [in English] Is that better? - No, no, no, no.

[Tita] You have to breathe it in.

- A ver, a ver, how about now? - Sí. Uh-huh. It's not helping.

[in Spanish] Maybe the smell helps you.

I have to check the expiration date.

[back cracks]

[in Spanish] Damn! Son of a gun!

- Hey! Mamá! You okay? You okay? - No, no, no. Sí, sí.

[in Spanish] What happened?! Are you okay?!

- Slow down. Okay, okay, okay. - [in Spanish] It's nothing, baby.

- How can I help you, Mom? - It's nothing, baby.

- Relax, slow down... - Calm down, everyone! I'm fine!

Slow down...

- Hey, just... - Remember the yoga?

- I do. - Don't break-- don't, uh...

- I know what I'm doing, - Baby, be careful, please. Okay?

- Deep breaths, please. - Okay. Sí.

No, you're not gonna crack me.

I have kidney stone. Don't crack me.

- I got this. - Be careful, baby, please,

- [speaks Spanish] - We're gonna move you this way, okay?

- Okay. A ver. - Let's go slowly.

- Baby, be careful. - And she's doing so good.

- A ver... ay... - Just breathe...

- What the-- - [barking]

- ¿Qué pasa? No, no... - What the--

Ay, ¿que pasó? Dad!

- What is this? - Okay, he was just helping--

Oh my God, he was just helping Mom with-- with-- with an injury from yoga.

[sighs] Don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?

[Claudia speaks Spanish] Is it because he's White?

Dad...

since when do we judge people by the color of their skin?

Hey, this isn't about the color of his skin

or the lack of color of his skin. All right?

I like gringos. All right?

Because of them, we have this amazing house in this great country.

We have food on our table.

I mean, I love their food. Pizza and hot dogs.

I mean, there's no taste, like eating cardboard.

[in Spanish] Hey, Dad! What's going on?

Stop.

[in English] How about, in front of all these witnesses,

you make a promise...

that you're gonna give him a chance?

Just get to know him.

Yeah, of course.

- [Bennie groans] - Ay.

[laughs]

- [bells jingle] - [whimsical music playing]

Hey.

Are you feeling better?

You need to apologize to Leaf.

Leif.

[in Spanish] Yes! Whatever his name is.

He is a good boy.

[in English] You know, he actually fixed my back.

[in Spanish] Look, look!

[scoffs]

He used to work con los estos...

[in Spanish] With these guys from NY! The chiro... practicians.

[in English] Anyway, I feel better. [scoffs]

[in Spanish] Well, I didn't know.

Y so maybe your handyboy can help us with this aqui.

Hmm?

- [in Spanish] What? What is that? - What do you think?

- [in English] It's how they did it in Mexico. - It's a Christmas tree?

[in Spanish] A cactus?

[in English] Yeah!

[in Spanish] Benicio, really?

Listen, does nobody care about tradition around here except me?

It's Christmas Eve. You know where they're at?

[in Spanish] They are there on Christmas Eve,

eating tofu, con ese gringo.

[in English] That's why Chicanos are losing their roots.

First, we lost California, and then Arizona,

and then Texas, and then New Mexico.

New Mexico, they don't even consider themselves Mexicans.

They consider themselves New Mexicans.

How could you be a New Mexican?

You know how? Because all old Mexicans are dying

and the new ones are coming over,

and where are they Christmas Eve?

Eating tofu con un gringo! That's why!

[in Spanish] Okay. It is pretty.

Am I doing everything wrong?

[in Spanish] No! It's pretty! Look at the little bow! So pretty.

[sighs]

Pero you're changing the subject.

You're gonna go and apologize to Leaf.

- Leif. - [in Spanish] Yes, that one.

[lively Latin music playing]

[music volume decreases]

Hey, vatos. Ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out.

I think he-he-- he's mad at something.

Yeah, the foreigner.

[Casper] Say what, fool? You're from Puerto Rico.

I'm mad at your mom for having you.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me school you real quick, ese.

That is US territory, homie.

- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.

- No, it's not, fool. - Yes, it is.

Hey, you put pineapple on your pizza?

Oh, yeah. I love piña.

You see? That's where you're confused.

And soon your ass is gonna be singing

country music in Spanish at a rap concert.

- What's that mean, ese? - [Mighty laughs]

Says a jealous German-looking Mexican.

[groans, chokes]

[laughs mockingly]

[in Spanish] Hey, what's up, dude?

- What's up, homie? - Hey, don't be judging

no book by the color of the sleeve, homie.

- All right, what? - [groans]

Sleeve? These are sleeves.

- Right here, homie. - That's a highlighter.

Yeah, I could tat you up real quick, homie. Look, boom, tatted.

What's up, Highlights?

- [laughs] - Hey, don't panic, fool.

- I'm Hispanic. - I guess he's organic.

Hey, forget you fools. Put the music back on.

[music volume rises]

[groaning]

- Señor Sanchez! - [groans] Ay, my eyes!

[groans, coughs]

Hey, give me the bull. Ahí te va el bull.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Ahí te va el bull. - Don't get too close.

Watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out.

[in Spanish] Damn lights! Ahem.

You okay?

[clears throat]

- I got you. - I want to say something--

say something to you.

Uh, sí, señor Sanchez?

- Can you do me a favor? - Sí.

- Can you stop calling me that? - What?

Señor Sanchez.

You know what? Just call me Bennie instead.

Sure thing. Yeah.

Hey, so, Leif, I wanted to, uh,

I wanted to apologize to you for earlier today. I mean, I--

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Mr-- Señor-- Mr. Bennie,

- it's really-- it's-- it-- - No. No, man, listen, I--

I mean, I thought, you know-- you looked like--

Aww, crap.

[in Spanish] What the hell is this? Look at this bush!

- [in English] What a mess! [sighs] - Oh, here--

Here, I'll just--

No, it's all messed up. [scoffs]

You know, I could, uh-- I could help you with that.

Really?

[distant barking]

I know my way around a hedge. Yeah.

- Really, huh? - Yeah.

All right, don't go nowhere. Hang on.

[footsteps depart]

White boy is risking his huevos, eh?

- Ah. Let's see. - Yeah.

- All right. Good luck. Ahem. - Okay.

Uh...

All right.

["Vals de las flores" playing]

Damn.

Damn, homie! I ain't never seen

anything like this in my life.

Wow! [laughs] White boy gets down, eh?

[music continues]

- Bring it in. - Oh, yeah. Let's go.

Hey, he's a damn fool, ese.

Palabra.

Wow.

[Lucky] Yeah, I think I know why that homegirl

- fell in love with him, eh? - [sighs] Mr. Bennie.

[Casper] Grass, homie.

[sighs]

- Thank you. - [sighs]

Yeah, here you go.

Any time.

Did that White boy just teach that Mexican how to landscape?

Look, Bennie's speechless.

[Casper] Hey, fools, and what's next?

They gonna valet park our lowriders, ¿o qué?

Hey, he better be careful with this thing, fool.

- Palabra. - He ain't touching my car, fool.

[music ends]

What do you think?

Um, I mean, I like all of it, except for the flags.

- What-- - What's wrong with the flag?

Dad, it's Christmas, not Cinco de Mayo.

Red, white and green. Jesus was Mexican.

[in Spanish] What?

I never told you?

His real name is Jesús, right?

- Ay... - He'd ride around on a mule,

lived at home until he was 33.

- Mm-hmm. - Swears his mom was a virgin.

Your tía Concha, she has seven kids

and she swears that she's a virgin.

Now, either she's lying or one of those kids is a Messiah.

Okay, Dad, I love him.

And your tío Gustavo,

when he was locked up in county, said he found Jesus there.

- Everybody loves Jesus. - Dad!

I am trying to explain something to you here so we can have a real talk,

but you're not really listening to me.

Is there a way that we can meet in the middle?

We need to have a talk, you and I.

Wh-- Do you see this?

You're not even paying attention to me.

Father-daughter talk.

Dad, what father-daughter talk?

When people talk to each other, they also listen to what the other has to say.

That's what a talk is.

Father-daughter talk. Come on.

- ¿Qué? - Let's go.

- Dad... Dad! - [speaking Spanish]

[in Spanish] Dad, my heels!

[in English] Dad-- Are you not gonna get my door?

Uh, okay. wow you changed.

Cómo que change! See, in New York City, there's gentlemen.

- Wow. - Gracias.

All right, after you.

[indistinct chatter]

This is fun. [chuckles]

Okay, you know what, Dad? I wanna go home.

Go-- no! W-we-- we just got here.

What-- this is your favorite place.

What? No, it's not and it never was.

Cómo que never was?

What-- what is this? Dad, I'm hungry.

I want actual food.

[tropical music playing]

i¡Ay, qué rico!

[speaks Spanish] Where's he? Hola. Hola, Leaf.

Hi, Leaf, come here and dance with your tía.

[laughs]

- [Gabbie speaks Spanish] - [Carmen humming melody]

There you go. Oh, no, no, not like that.

- No? - Oh, no.

Feel the music. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. [speaking Spanish]

[speaking Spanish, hums]

[speaks Spanish] Okay, come here.

[in Spanish] Party pooper.

Vente, Leif, don't listen to her.

No, she's okay. [laughs]

She's the non-recovered party girl of the house.

[laughs]

- Ay, so yeah... - Wow.

[gasps] Have you tried the tamales?

- Yes, yes, I have. They're great. - Yeah? Uh-huh.

Although I don't find many places

that make them back east.

Yeah, uh, you're in for a treat this year,

porque la Grandma Tita here,

she's making her world famous, one-of-a-kind chicken tamales.

- Uh-huh, oh yeah. Yeah. - Oh.

You'll know what's good. [laughs]

- That sounds great. - Yeah.

- [children chattering] - [liquid pouring]

Dad, how come you never liked any of my boyfriends?

You didn't even like Gabriel, and he was actually a good guy,

and he came from a good family.

Wait, well, who's that? Elmo?

Elmo?

[in Spanish, laughs] The wetback!

Dad!

He was not a wetback and you called Immigration on him.

Don't exaggerate, all right?

All I did was yell "La migra!" and that kid took off.

Hey, he ran across country so fast,

if they had a border Olympics, he would've won gold. [laughs]

Papá, that's not funny.

Mira, Joaquin, Frankie, Antonio.

It's like I could never have a boyfriend

because you would always just make it so hard for me.

[mascot clucks]

[in Spanish] What the hell is it with this chicken?

Hey, well, you--

Thank you. Back to the--

back to that cage.

Um, you were too young to have boyfriends.

[in Spanish] Why, what now?

[in English] What's your excuse now?

Well, at least they're Mexicans.

What about Javier? I know he's a little bit of a playboy,

a little Don Juan thing going,

but you know what, he's always been really nice to you.

I am a strong, independent woman

who is capable of making her own choices.

You see, that's exactly what I'm talking about,

because you're getting to the age that--

where--

Have you and Leif...

[sighs] I can't even believe I'm gonna say this...

Mm.

Has he taken your chanclas off?

i¡Papá!

[in Spanish] Have you lost your mind?!

I am 23 years old.

I did not come here for you to tell me

what it's like to be sin chanclas.

[in Spanish] That's going too far.

- [clucks] - Look...!

No, no, no, no, no! Look!

You stupid chicken!!

Mira, well-- Hey, I've known you your whole life.

He's known you two months.

[in Spanish] He's like a duck without legs!

[wolf whistle]

Hey, beautiful.

- Javier? - [laughs]

De la Torre?

[Javier sighs]

Would you look who it is?

- Mm-mm. - [laughs]

- Hi. Oh! - How are you?

Your mom told me you were coming home for Christmas.

I just did not think your dad

would bring you back to this place on your first day back.

[sighs] Yeah, you and me both.

And he thinks I'm the one who still hasn't grown up.

Can you believe that?

I mean, you look pretty grown to me.

So what do you think of my girl?

Wow, she is really pretty.

Not as pretty as you. [laughs]

Ay.

So, where can I take you?

[sighs] As far away from here as possible.

Your wish is my command.

- Hm. - After you.

- Gracias. - Mm-hmm.

[Javier groans]

Let's get some tacos de asada, yeah?

Sí.

[tropical music playing]

Can't I do anything to help out?

I feel like I'm just sort of, uh, standing around.

- No. - You are just standing around.

Get to work.

- Sí, señorito. - [laughs]

A. Señorita.

Oh, that's right. Uh, a, girls, o is for boys.

- Sí.[laughs] - Señorita. Señorita. Disculpe.

You are disculpado. Hm.

Now, everybody in this family helps out with the cooking.

I used to be a chef in Mexico.

Mm, and a very good one. Mm-hmm.

Wow, now I really can't wait to try

your world-famous chicken tamales.

You have to start with fresh, m'hijo. That's the secret.

Now, Leaf,

go into the kitchen

and get the chicken out of the stove, please.

- Sí, señorita. - [laughs, gasps]

[in Spanish] Dance with me!

[chicken squawks]

[gasps, in Spanish] Damn chicken!

Tita! At least pluck the chicken!

[chicken bawks]

Where's the chicken?

[Claudia, in Spanish] Thank you!

[both laughing]

- [Claudia] Are you gonna close the door? - [laughs]

[laughs] You're stupid. Hi, baby.

Hi. Hey.

You must be Leaf.

- I-- - You're a lucky man, bro.

[Claudia chuckles]

This is Javier. I just told him everything about you.

I'm sure you did.

He's just an old friend.

By old friend, you mean friend or friend-friend?

- Hmm? - Have you ever seen Claudia dance salsa?

- No. - Ay, stop it.

My friend, you are missing out.

Stop it.

There's goes that F word again.

[laughs] Don't worry, huerito.

She'll show you.

I'll see you around. It was nice to meet you...

- Twig? - Epa, Leif, I told you.

[Javier, in Spanish] Bye, beautiful.

- Drive safe, okay? - Always, love.

Sounds good, big kiss. See you later!

Is there something I should know about?

Because if I don't know, I don't know, but if I know,--

Yeah. Actually, there is.

I knew it. Damn, he's handsome.

- And he can dance, too? - What? No, no.

- He's just an old friend. - How long have you known him?

He's just an old friend. I told you.

My Dad, he took me to that cheese place.

Where is your dad?

Probably still playing at Cheesy Chuck.

It's because of me, isn't it?

Um, yeah, of course it is.

You know, at first, I didn't think this was such a huge mistake,

but now I'm really starting to think it is.

You know, I'm sorry I don't speak Spanish

- or know how to salsa. - [sighs]

You know, your dad would probably be more happy

if you were with that Javier guy instead of me.

Ay, ay, ay. Es que you men are impossible.

Between trying to please you and please my father,

I just feel like I can't win, so why do I even try?

- I just-- - Where are you going?

I-I don't know. I don't know.

Wait! [in Spanish] Honey.

That was so sweet!

- What? - i¡Cariño!

I've never heard you say that before.

Well, I mean, maybe I could say something right, you know.

Well, yeah, for once. [laughs]

- [barking and whistling] - [Lucky] Aw.

They're-- they're watching.

[salsa music playing]

You should teach me how to salsa.

Oh, you want me to teach you how to salsa?

You're gonna start with your feet like this, eh?

Okay, you know what? Forget about your feet.

- Like this? - Let's work on the hips.

- Okay. Like this? - Okay, a little bit. Just--

Forget about your feet. Let's work on the hips.

- Okay. - Okay. Uh-huh.

- [in Spanish] A little bit of hips. - I like that.

- Okay, hold my hand, baby. - Like this?

[laughs] No, my love, move your hips.

- How about this? - Okay, forget about the hips.

How 'bout you just twirl me and then you dip me, okay?

Okay. Okay.

- Do what? Wait, wait. - Twirl and then d--

- Baby! - Um, I'm okay!

- Seriously? - What are you guys doing?

- I-- Oh, God, how long-- - Oh, I didn't mean to do that.

I-- how long have you been standing there? When did you get home?

Long enough to see Mr. Leif doesn't know what he's doing.

We were just-- we were just having fun, Dad.

We were just dancing.

Dancing. Where I come from, you see a guy moving like that, you call him a pinguino.

- Let me show you how it's done. - Here we go.

- Here, give a little spin here, comes back. - Mm-hmm.

When you get more advanced, you can spin her again.

She comes to you, hi, and she comes back.

Así, just like that. Beautiful.

- All right, now it's your turn. - All right.

Okay.

No, no, not with her. With me.

- [both] What? - Come on. Yeah, come on.

Hey. You have to feel it, all right, pinguino?

Right here. You have to feel it. Do you feel it?

- No. - Then you do a nice little turn

- and come back. Okay. - [chicken clucks]

[Mighty] A bailar!

- It's all about confidence, okay? - Okay.

All right, I got you right here.

- Okay. - Nice and ea-- Ah!

- Ah! - [chicken clucks]

[in English] Then I go into a bridge.

And tight, tight, tight.

[in Spanish] Squeeze your glutes.

- [grunts] - Smile.

- Oh. - [gasps, then in Spanish] Damn!

What happened?

[scoffs] I was at Cluck-Y-Cheese with Claudia to have a father-daughter talk.

[scoffs] She hates that place.

Why does everybody say that?

Bueno, y how was it?

[repeats question in Spanish, laughs]

- What do you think? - [laughs]

Now I know where the brown eggs come from.

[clucks like a chicken]

[sighs] Entonces what happened?

We got in a little argument.

[Gabbie clicks tongue]

Where is she now?

Now, she's outside dancing salsa con el gringo.

Oh, well, that's good.

That's great.

Yeah.

Okay.

[Gabbie sighs] Ay...

And all I wanted was to have a perfect Christmas.

- Ow, ow... - [chicken clucks]

[in Spanish] Stupid chicken.

[soft music playing]

- [Leif sighs] - [Claudia] Okay, baby,

so my Aunt Carmen is in the guest bedroom,

but make sure that you don't go in there,

because otherwise you'll be dancing to cumbias all night, okay?

[laughs]

But I'm sure Tootsie here wouldn't mind you being

her little bed buddy, right, Tootsie?

[sighs]

Well, at least tomorrow is Christmas Eve, you know.

I mean, what could possibly go wrong then?

Mm, just a few Mexican ticks.

- Yeah. - [Claudia chuckles]

[sighs] I'll see you in the morning.

If not before then.

Oh. [chuckles]

- [sighs] - [dog pants]

Yeah.

[dog whines]

[sighs]

[groans]

- [bells jingling] - [soft music playing]

[videogame music playing]

- Let's go, baby. Come on. - Woo!

- Okay, I'm trying, baby. - That's my baby girl.

[in Spanish] Die, die! [squeals]

- [Claudia] Get her away from the remote. - [Carmen] Oh, yeah.

- You're doing great. You learning? - She's doing fine.

- What's this nonsense? - Oh! [laughs]

It's actually a prototype from Leif's new game that he built. Ooh!

He actually even sold it to a big company.

- So, you play games for a living? - I design them.

[laughs] Oh, yes! Score, huerito! Woo-hoo!

So, pushing buttons so some space idiotas

can kill each other is your idea of a game?

- [in Spanish] Of course, Dad! - Yes, brother-in-law!

Hey, let me tell you something.

A game isn't played in someone's living room.

- [girls] No, no. No. Ay. - [videogame music out]

A real game is played on a field 120 yards long

and 80 yards deep, and it's called football.

Do you mean soccer?

That's what you gringos call it, okay?

Football was invented by my Aztec ancestors 700 years ago.

And you know what they did to you if you lost?

- Uh, sent you to the locker room? - No, man.

They sacrificed you to the gods.

Ripped open your chest and they pulled out your live,

still beating heart.

- My God. - On that field,

you became a man, an hombre, un patrón.

- Oh, like the tequila! - Not like the tequila.

Patrón is a boss.

Claudia said that you're a captain, man.

Are you a captain?

Mm, I was the captain of my high school debate team.

Oh, debate! Wow, sounds muy macho.

All right, captain.

It's time for you to play the game of the gods.

[in Spanish] Ignore him.

Meet you on the field in half an hour.

- [Carmen gasps] - She knows where it is.

In-- in the park?

Ay, no.

[suspenseful music playing]

Ay, ay, ay... Afternoon, huerito.

- Hey. - [Javier chuckles]

Did you get a good night's rest?

I hear you're quite the local celebrity.

No, man, Claudia's the one who's the rock star.

So you and Claudia, you, uh, know each other quite well, huh?

[scoffs] Like brother and sister, amigo.

You know, she does a really good in and out.

You should have her show you sometime.

- Excuse me? - Uh, it's a salsa move,

where you bring the lady in, and then you lead her right back out.

Here, let me show you, Leaf...

[in Spanish] Hey! Behave!

- Come on. - Have a good game, huerito.

[laughs] Twig.

- Sorry, babe. - [Bennie] Let's go, y'all.

This is a very dangerous game, okay?

So you're gonna have to follow my lead.

[Bennie] Vámonos.

[music playing]

Where'd you go, potty?

- [speaks Spanish] - ¿Qué?

Heads or tails?

Tails.

I knew you were gonna pick tails.

- Ah! Aguas! - [Javier] i¡Eso!

Damnit.

Get ready to have a long day there, One Direction.

Your starting position is right here. Okay?

- Right here? - Yeah. You got it, baby!

Come on.

- i¡Portero! - What do I do?

- [Mighty] Get the left side of the field! - [all speaking Spanish]

Oh, this dude's got nothing, homie. Let's go.

[Claudia] Baby, don't use your hands!

- Foul! You can't use your hands! - [Javier] He fouled!

Google it!

- Baby, you can't use your hands, babe. - Okay!

- You used your your fist. - That was illegal.

Ha! That wasn't the only thing illegal here.

- [Lucky] Hey, give me some Vicks! - No problem.

I have my Vicks.

- I was protecting myself. - From what?

- From the ball. - From the soccer ball?

Get him a helmet.

[Javier] Come on, stay alert, stay alert!

[Casper whistles]

[Gabbie] Let's do this!

[Casper] Watch out, chaparrito, watch out, fool!

- Why are you running, fool? - [cheers]

- [speaks Spanish] - That's right!

- Why you move? - Goal!

- [in Spanish] Keep going! - Get him, Javier!

Oh, damn! That's it!

[cheering]

[Casper] What the hell!

[Carmen] Long live Mexicans!

[Casper] What are you looking at, ese?

[Carmen, in Spanish] You are all dead!

To your graves, dumbasses!

[Casper] El Mighty, you're coming to work, ese.

I think you killed him, fool!

["Jingle Bells" playing slowed down]

Oh, ouch.

Ooh.

Ay.

[back cracks]

[song continues]

Snow in East L.A.?

What are these fools doing out there?

Why isn't Grandpa here with us?

Oh, come sit down, sweetie. Why are you asking that question?

Well, grandma said the reason why he isn't here

is because he went to the North Pole.

Mm-hmm.

Actually, son, he went south to Mexico.

'Cause all he ever wanted was a Mexican Christmas.

Uh-- there's Christmas in Mexico?

- Mm-hmm. - Of course, sweetie.

Christmas is everywhere.

If there's Christmas everywhere,

then why isn't he here?

And also, why is he in Mexico?

Well, because he complained so much about living here

that he went back to Mexico.

Mm-hmm. And he lived happily ever after.

He has a lot of Mexican friends.

Is he happy?

He loves it. He even has a burro.

I'm confused, Mom.

Scoot in a little bit, yeah, sweetie? Let's eat.

[Santa] Ho, ho, ho, ho.

[grunts]

I'm sorry if I woke you up, Mr. Sanchez.

[muffled chatter]

Is that all you're sorry about?

Oh...

Are you okay?

My head hurts, no thanks to you.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

Leif, what are you doing here?

It's because of Claudia.

Okay.

I know what it's like to be young,

and I know what you want from her,

so please, don't make me out to be some pendejo, okay?

Is that how you felt about your wife when you first met her?

[scoffs]

Okay, for once,

can you just please be clear about what you're trying to say?

[sighs]

Mr. Sanchez...

I would like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

Leif--

You know, I don't wanna say the cliches,

like our love story began in a single glance

and, you know, it was at that moment that I knew... [chuckles]

that I had encountered my soulmate.

[sighs] But that's exactly what I'm saying.

Mr. Sanchez.

Are you okay?

[party sounds muffled]

[flute playing]

[party music playing]

- There you are. - Hey, hey.

I was looking for you. You're gonna miss the piñata.

Oh, well, I was, um, talking to your dad.

Oh, is-- is he okay? Did he wake up?

Yeah. Yeah, um, well, sort of.

Sort of?

He was a little unresponsive.

- Unresponsive. What-- - No, um--

What do you mean by unresponsive? What--

I asked your father if I could have his permission--

[whining]

- D-Dad? - [whines]

Dad! Dad!

Is this what you mean by unresponsive? Dad!

All righty. Let's get this--

How are the tamales, Tita?

Is that question rhetorical?

[in Spanish] Of course! I know they are fantastic!

Oh.

- Give me one, please. - [Tita laughs]

[in Spanish] Carmen, please bring me some spoons and some forks.

- Hey. - ¿Qué?

[in Spanish] Do you want a "tamale hug"?

- What?! - A "tamale hug"?

- What is that? - A hug with meat inside!

- Ay! - [laughing]

- [in Spanish] Girls! - Carmen!

That old bird, he is up to something.

Something.

What bird?

[hits echoing]

- [tropical music playing] - [indistinct chatter]

[woman] Over here, m'hijo! You okay?

We all gathered here

for what we thought was gonna be

a traditional Mexican

Latino Chicano Christmas.

But because of this gringo right here...

[all] Aw.

...I lost my self-respect,

my dignity,

and I've been humiliated in front of my family.

But since it's Christmas, a time to be joyful and merry,

I've come out here with a pasted-on smile.

It's a season to be happy and joyful,

just to tell you, cabrones, Merry Christmas!

Feliz Navidad.

Not on my tradition.

Not on my Christmas!

- Your Christmas? - [all gasp]

[guests murmuring]

What do you mean, your Christmas?

Dad, Christmas is supposed to be for everyone,

and you have done every possible thing to destroy it.

[Leif] Perdóneme, señor Sanchez.

What did you say?

You know what I just said.

Now, you-you hear it, but you don't listen.

- Which is... - Um--

...exactly why Claudia's more than kind of upset with you,

in case you haven't heard.

What gives you the right to speak to me like that in my own house?

Speak to you in what way? [laughs]

It won't matter which way I speak to you,

because you hate this gringo.

[all gasp]

You know, yet I've done everything

to not only be good to your daughter,

but to be good to your entire family.

You know, and not even because I had to,

because I wanted to.

You know, I danced the salsa for you guys.

- Yeah. - [laughs] You know?

I played soccer.

Oh, sorry, I'm saying that wrong. Football.

I almost got killed by a chicken, man,

and I trimmed your hedges for you.

And I showed you respect by asking for Claudia's hand in marriage.

- [gasps] - That was out of respect.

[murmurs]

Yet you show absolutely none to your own daughter,

but this isn't or shouldn't even be about me.

It should be about her.

If you truly loved her,

you wouldn't treat her this way.

- [scoffs] - [Gabbie] A ver...

Excuse me. A ver, he-- um--

he asked you for Claudia's hand in marriage

and you didn't tell me? You didn't te-- I mean,

maybe he got a concussion, no?

[in Spanish] Did he get a concussion from the ball or what?

Oh, my love.

[Claudia] Is it normal to, uh--

to not be able to breathe properly right now?

[in Spanish] Oh, my God! You look faint.

Are you pregnant? Let's see...

Okay, okay, this is a season to be merry,

- not to get married. - Happy holidays.

[speaks Spanish]

W-- what, hey. Don't leave.

Don't leave until we open these goddamn presents.

[in Spanish] Wow, look at you!

Well, that's it.

[in English] You got the party you wanted, no?

[in Spanish] Great party! Super fun!

[in English] I hope you're proud of yourself, eh?

[in Spanish] You completely messed up this time, Benicio! Completely!

[loud music playing]

Damn, vatos!

The-the-the-there goes the n-the-n-n-neighborhood.

You're the wrong guy to be saying that, ese.

No, really, ese.

There goes the neighborhood.

[Mighty] Why they look all sad?

Because the party wack, fool. We weren't invited.

- I would've gone. Shh. - That's right, ese.

Wait, wait, where are you going?

Guys, don't go. The party--

[Tita in Spanish] Why are they leaving?

[Carmen in English] I don't know! The party's gonna be great!

[Tita in Spanish] Where are you going?

[Latin hip-hop playing]

[soft guitar music playing]

Babe...

your father doesn't like me.

Because I'm, you know.

- I've ruined Christmas for everyone. - No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did. - Babe, my family got the best present this year,

and that's you as my husband.

When I saw how close you were to your family,

I knew I could never propose without your father's permission.

Look, my dad,

he was just surprised by you, that's all, okay?

You know that's not all. I mean, you--

you yourself said your father liked surprises.

I don't even know what he likes anymore.

Well, we know he doesn't like gringos.

Babe, my father doesn't care if you're white, or red or green.

I'm sure he would mind if I was green.

[exhales sharply]

[sighs]

My father finds a reason to not like someone

and then he just sticks to it,

even if that's not really the reason.

Just admit it.

This whole thing was a huge mistake.

Well, what do you mean? What thing? Like--

like us?

Your father, he--

he had different plans for Christmas.

You know, probably had different plans for your life.

You know, I know how close you are to your family

and that's why I wanted to spend Christmas with them.

No, no, Leif. Leif, please, don't go.

Leif. Leif.

I'm sorry.

[sighs]

["Heart Breaking" by Lakford playing]

[Lucky] Hey, perrito, stick around!

You guys can make this work!

True love prevails, eh?

[song continues]

[Casper] You think I have a chance with her now?

[Lucky] Hey, you know what?

This for you, homie.

Gonna miss you in the hood, huero.

Peace out, homie.

[Casper] Man.

I actually liked that fool, dog.

[song continues]

You know, any dad would love to have

a son-in-law like Leif.

[in Spanish] Even if he was green like an alien.

[laughs]

["Heart Breaking" by Lankford continues playing]

Well, merry freakin' Christmas to us, huh?

[song continues]

- Have a good one. - Thank you.

[airport P.A. indistinct]

[knocking]

Hi, m'hija.

Your presents are out there waiting for you.

I mean, we could o--

we could open them all together,

like we used to do when you were a little girl.

I'm not a little girl anymore, Dad,

whether you wanna accept it or not.

[sighs] Okay.

That little girl in those pictures is my daughter.

No, no, Dad. I'm your daughter, okay?

Aquí mismo, eh? Life-sized.

Not everything is about you.

You know, why--

Why can't it be a boy from the neighborhood like Javier?

I mean, he's handsome. He's smart.

He's got a good job. He loves his mom,

- and goes to church every Sun-- - And is gay.

He's gay? [in Spanish] What do you mean, he's gay?

Yeah, Dad, that's the thing.

Whether you know it or not, eh?

I should've known because he would dance without music, and not...

Man, should've seen it.

Aparte que even if he wasn't, I wa--

that's not who I fell in love with.

And you should be able to understand that

because I make my own decisions.

And now you won't even get the chance to get to know him.

You broke his heart and mine.

No, don't say that. Don't say that.

He had nothing growing up, eh?

His parents were poor.

He had to wash dishes,

mow lawns, park cars.

He worked hard for everything that he had,

just like you did.

[sighs]

- What's that? - [in Spanish] And you know what?

He reminded me a lot of you.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

That kid wasn't that bad after all, wasn't he?

On Christmas morning...

I wanted a bike like all the other little kids.

And when I came down to open my presents...

- Mm-hmm. - ...bike wasn't there.

My dad got me a pair of handlebars

and then he told me that one day, you know,

he'd get me the rest of the bike

that I could put the handlebars on.

And he promised me training wheels.

And he never got me the training wheels.

[sniffles] My poor dad, he worked so hard.

Never got anywhere.

And one of the last things that he told me

was that Christmas was for family.

And that's all I wanted to do, was have a nice Christmas

like the ones we used to have in Mexico.

- Ay. - With the family

and... [sobs] training wheels.

[sniffles] How'd he know? How'd he-- how did he know?

Well, because I--

one of these days that you went to work [sniffles]

I took them shopping...

Santa style. Yeah.

But how did he find the exact ones?

We went to Olvera Street. Mm-hmm.

And you should've seen him, eh?

Ooh, that kid?

He wouldn't stop until he found them. Yeah.

Just because he wanted to make you smile.

Baby...

You know what you gotta do, amor, right?

You got your training wheels.

Now go out there and be a father to her.

[bells jingle]

I wanted to tell you

that-- [clears throat]

that I was wrong.

In the business that I'm in,

you see a lot of beautiful flowers.

Like, s-some are very rare and delicate roses,

some of them I planted with my hands.

[chuckles]

And it's my job to protect the roses from the weeds.

I thought that it was my job

to protect the rose from being hurt.

I thought that Leif was another weed

that was trying to keep my rose from blooming,

but I realize now that my rose

has bloomed into this incredible woman

and that Leif is now your protector and not me.

[Gabbie] And that, you know,

also papi wants to say is that--

uh-- that he--

he was-- [in Spanish] I mean, not on purpose.

He was the weed. He's been the weed.

And that you and Leif are roses.

- Yeah, roses. - Yeah.

And that we, as a family,

[in Spanish] because we are a family, that's what we do,

we have to protect-- somos un garden.

And we have to protect the roses.

And-and that you know, you make us so,

so proud every day, m'hijita.

[in Spanish] Including Leaf,

because he's the coolest and the sweetest boyfriend

in all of East-- East L.A.

Leif, pero mm. Mm-hmm.

We got a plane to stop! [laughs]

But, whoa, Clau,

you cannot get him back dressed like that.

- [Bennie] No, that's true. - Okay. [laughs] Okay.

- [Carmen, in Spanish] Okay, then let's go! - [in English] Let's go!

Come on!

- [alarm beeps] - Hurry up!

[lively music playing]

[in Spanish] Come on, let's go! Drive!

[in English] Oh, man, what the hell?

[in Spanish] What?

- I don't have the keys! - You had them!

- Damn it! - I don't have them! You always--

Baby, you always do the same!

[in English] What about the vatos?

[in Spanish] Yes, there they are!

[Bennie in Spanish] Oh, my God!

- Come on! - I'm coming!

- [in English] Hey! Cooper! We need a ride! - I got you.

- [Mighty] Let's go! - [Bennie] To the airport.

[Casper] Got you, fools, I got you, G. I got you.

Let's go, ladies. You guys will fit.

Hey, no tips. I'll accept a kiss.

Let's go. Come on!

- Amárrense! Here we go! - Hit it!

Woo! [laughs] I want one of these bedroom.

Make 'em bounce. Make 'em bounce higher, homie.

Make 'em bounce.

- [Casper groans] - [Carmen] This is really cool.

[in Spanish] Holy crap!

I popped my tire, fool.

- [Bennie] Ay, what? - My bad. Sorry.

- Now what? - Sorry, guys.

[Mighty] Sorry, man.

- Yo! - [horn honks]

Y'all need a ride?

- [in Spanish] Tell Javier yes! - [whistles]

[Javier speaking Spanish]

Uh, take it back to the bottom of the ocean where it belongs.

We'll go steal a car. We'll meet you there, homie.

[Lucky] Your little homie learned that in prison.

[lively music continues]

[indistinct chatter]

Gate? [speaks Spanish]

- [Claudia] Oh, okay. Okay. - [Gabbie] Sorry!

Okay. Ay, mira, I think it's over there.

[in Spanish] Come on, let's go!

[Carmen speaks Spanish]

I have to stop my son-in-law from getting--

Well, not yet, but getting on the plane.

I mean, he's my fiance. I mean, not really.

It's not like he proposed to me. I mean, he did propose,

- pero mi papá nunca told me. - You have your boarding passes?

You can just pat me down so I can go in.

I'll tell him all about it.

- [in Spanish] Carmela, no. Wait. - Ma'am, don't touch me.

[in Spanish] Please, sir. It is very important.

[in English] My son-in-law, he cannot go on the plane.

- Mm-hmm. - So, can you help us with that?

[in Spanish] The family's future is in danger.

- Did she say dangerous? - [Carmen] No, no, no, no.

[overtalk in Spanish and English]

You know, can you guys please step aside?

Can you please-- Please, guys, step aside, ma'am.

[in Spanish] Seriously, these gringos are so inflexible.

[in Spanish] Please, ma'am! Show some respect.

I'm just trying to do my job.

Oh, no, no, no.

[in Spanish] I was talking about the other gringos. It's all good.

- [Gabbie Let's go. - [Carmen in Spanish] Wow, you are handsome!

- Ahí está. No! No! - [Carmen] Wait, wait! Where are you going?

- [in Spanish] Hey, where are you going?! - Brother-in-law!

[all exclaiming]

- [screams] - [crowd] Oh!

Whoa. [groans]

- Damnit. - Hey, man, I'm just trying to keep

my future son-in-law from leaving.

Can you please tell your dad to stop doing that?

It's the second time.

I was center cornerback. East LA had the Fighting Fails. Ow.

Does this mean I can have Claudia's hand in marriage?

[sighs] Think I'm getting arrested for nothing?

[guard] Keep your hands where I can see 'em!

- Baby... - [Claudia] Aw.

- Will you marry me? - [handcuffs click]

Yes... [laughing] yes, a million times, yes.

[Claudia chuckles]

Ay, bueno, I'll put it on myself. It's okay.

Oh, fool.

[sighs] I'm sorry.

You've got nothin' to be sorry about.

No, man, I should've been myself from the beginning.

You know, I was such a poser.

I was pretending to speak Spanish

and I ruined Christmas.

Are you kidding me, man? You saved Christmas.

My daughter loves you.

You made my Christmas the best ever.

Welcome to the family! Merry Christmas.

[whistling]

Ay, pero where are you taking him? Epa! Where are you taking him?!

Hey, you should see what we do for New Years.

- Hey, where y'all going? - [Carmen speaks Spanish]

I'ma go this way. They got tamales,

so I'm gonna go eat. I'm out.

- I'm gonna go with Leaf. - I think his name is Leif.

- No, it's Leaf. - No, it's Leif.

It doesn't matter, fool. Let's go.

["Dulce como sandia" by Jian Xavier Salas playing]

Leaf, right? Is it Leaf or Leif?

Leaf, he's a swell guy.

["Dulce como sandia" continues]

Yeah, yeah, a lot of people will say Leaf when it's--

when it's Leif.

This family, it's a taken a lot of,

ahem, a lot of correcting.

That makes a lot of sense.

They're-- they're, um, like best friends.

- [laughing] - Whoa. Okay.

[in Spanish] Look at him.

Thank you for being such a good, um, friend.

I mean, his skin is so perfect and--

[song continues]

That makes a lot of sense.

Does know Bennie that we're here?

I just realized, Bennie's house is pretty nice.

[gasps, speaks Spanish]

Ay...

[in Spanish] Did I leave the tag on?

The only thing that matters in this world for a couple

is performance, you know...

and that kid looks like he can perform.

He's about, what, 5'6", 5'7"?

I don't really see much there, pero hey, he must be a nice guy, right?

[song continues]

[in Spanish] Maybe they have their babies.

Well...

Okay, wait a second.

- [Bennie] Maybe later? - Yes, maybe later.

Babies... no, espérame.

Cut that out. [laughs] Cut that out.

["Dulce como sandia" continues]

- ¿Y tú? - What?

- You wanna marry me? - That's Bennie's mom's, dog.

- Put that back. - You're never gonna get married, dog.

You know, maybe I should talk to Leif about, like,

creating a video game with the vatos, and maybe, you know,

we can incorporate the car and then-- and maybe they can make some money

and finally not be across the street living in their car, right?

["Dulce como sandia" by Jian Xavier Salas continues]

I was thinking a video game based in East LA

would be ama-- would sell. And they--

where they drive around

and maybe steal a car-- each other's cars,

Put in, like, good music.

[music continues]

Tootsie doesn't see color,

doesn't see race,

doesn't see if they have fur or no fur,

pero she is kind of blind.

[music continues]

I'ma show up to the wedding, and I'ma--

- I'm gonna wedding crash it. - You can't do that, my boy.

You can't do that, my boy. It's against the rules, my boy.

- Yeah, you gotta respect love. - You gotta respect--

- Respeto, homie. - All right, I'll respect.

You gotta get her before they get there.

Does that make any sense? To, like, the chapel.

- [music continues] - [all] Hey, hey, hey, hey...

[in Spanish] Take a picture!

[in English] Let's take a picture of-- that's for you.

Photo, photo, photo.

- That's for us. - [chanting] Photo! Photo!

[camera clicks]

[Claudia] I guess I was wrong.

This was not the story about how the gringo stole my dad's Christmas...

but how my gringuito

saved our Christmas.

Feliz Navidad a todos.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

["Dulce como sandía" by Jian Xavier Salas playing]