Original subtitles

EARLIER

>>> HELLO. I'D LIKE TO THANK PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR HAVING US.

THOSE OF US FROM THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY ARE HONORED TO BE HERE TODAY

ALONGSIDE RFK JR. AND DR. OZ.

WE'RE GOING TO DISCUSS LOWERING THE PRICE OF WEIGHT LOSS DRUGS.

FOR YEARS, MY COMPANY, ELI LILLY,

HAS BEEN AT THE FOREFRONT OF PROVIDING AMERICANS WITH --

>> OH, NO!

>> OH, HI. DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

SOMEONE WAS DYING IN MY OFFICE.

I THINK I'M PLAYING THIS VERY NORMAL.

JUST STAND THERE AND STARE LIKE A SOCIOPATH.

PRETEND LIKE I WAS GOING TO HELP,

SOMEONE DROPS SOMETHING AND YOU DO THE FAKE BEND, OH,

LET ME HELP YOU PICK THAT UP, YOU GOT IT

RFK OUT OF HERE LIKE SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO GIVE HIM A VACCINE.

BRAINWORM, TAKE THE WHEEL!

THAT THING RATATOUILLE'D HIM OUT OF THE ROOM.

EACH WEEK, I LIKE TO CREATE A BIG VISUAL

THAT SUMS UP HOW THINGS ARE GOING.

LAST WEEK IT WAS THE DEMOLISHING OF THE EAST WING.

THIS WEEK IT'S A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL ALMOST DYING IN MY OVAL OFFICE

AT THE MERE THOUGHT OF CHARGING LESS FOR DRUGS.

MAYBE NEXT WEEK A BALD EAGLE WILL FALL DEAD OUT OF THE SKY

AND SPLAT RIGHT ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN.

BY LAWN I MEAN BIG OUTDOOR CONCRETE FLOOR.

THERE?

MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOW'S THE FLOOR? OKAY?

A GUY COLLAPSING IN THE OVAL OFFICE, WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NOT ME.

DON'T WORRY, HE'LL BE FINE. DR. OZ IS ON THE CASE.

ANYWAY, ALL IN ALL A GREAT, AWESOME WEEK

EXCEPT FOR ELECTION. THE DEMOCRATS WON.

THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA CALLED THE ELECTIONS A REBUKE OF TRUMP'S POLICIES.

JOKE'S ON THEM, THEY'RE STEPHEN MILLER'S POLICIES, I DON'T READ THAT STUFF.

NO LIKEE READEE.

CAN'T BELIEVE THEY ELECTED MAMDANI.

WE LIKE TO SAY, MAMDANI.

I'M TORN BECAUSE I LIKE A WINNER BUT I'M NOT CRAZY ABOUT A MUSLIM.

MAYBE HE'LL CONVERT.

WE'LL PUT HIM IN LINE BEHIND URSHA VANCE, AND I HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THAT WRONG.

OUR SIDE HAD SOME WINS THIS WEEK, TOO.

THE SUPREME COURT SAID WE COULD STOP FEEDING POOR PEOPLE.

YOU CAN CLAP FOR THAT. S.N.A.P.!

S.N.A.P.!

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO CAN AFFORD FOOD, NO, YOU CAN'T.

I PROMISED GROCERY PRICES WOULD PLUMMET,

AND THEY DID, THEY PLUMMETED STRAIGHT UP.

PEOPLE ARE SAYING, BUT SIR, HOW WILL I AFFORD MY THANKSGIVING TURKEY FOR MY FAMILY?

WELL, GOOD NEWS IS YOUR FAMILY'S NOT COMING BECAUSE ALL THE PLANES ARE GONE.

WE CALL THAT PROBLEM SOLVING PROBLEM.

KILLING TWO BIRDS WITH ANOTHER BIRD. NOW YOU GOT A BUNCH OF CRAZY BIRDS.

WE LIKE IT, WE LIKE IT, THAT'S KIND OF OUR THING.

CAN'T AFFORD FOOD, HAVE SOME CHEAP OZEMPIC.

NOW YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY AND YOU GET TO TAKE ONE WEIRD, PAINFUL POOP A WEEK.

HOW'S IT GOING BACK THERE? IS HE DEAD?

THEY'RE DOING THE -- THEY GOT THE LEGS UP, THAT MEANS DEAD IN CARTOON.

ACTUALLY, DON'T TELL ME IF HE'S DEAD, I WANT TO BE SURPRISED.

ANYWAY. GOVERNMENT IS STILL SHUT DOWN.

ALL THANKS TO THE DEMOCRATS AND SOME REPUBLICANS

AND ALL REPUBLICANS AND ME.

PEOPLE SAY, JUST CAVE, DON, GIVE THE DEMOCRATS WHAT THEY WANT, END THIS.

I THINK WE'RE GOING TO DRAG IT OUT. WE'RE GOING TO KEEP THE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN.

WE'RE LOOKING INTO PERHAPS STEALING CHRISTMAS. WE'LL BE DOING GRINCH.

I LIKE THE GRINCH. HE'S A GREAT GUY.

OUR WIVES ARE FRIENDS. WE PLAY GOLF SOMETIMES.

IS HE OKAY? HE'S OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, IF YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE HIM TO GET AN MRI,

USE THIS, THIS IS MY PUNCH CARD.

ONE MORE AND THE NEXT ONE'S FREE.

AND FOR ANYONE WORRIED ABOUT THE STATE OF THE COUNTRY, I'LL SAY THE SAME THING

I SAID TO MELANIA WHEN SHE TRIED TO HELP ME DO MY HAIR.

GO AWAY, WHAT I'M DOING IS VERY COMPLICATED,

AND ONLY I KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

MUSICAL

HOST

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- NIKKI GLASER!

>> THANK YOU! THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HI, I AM NIKKI GLASER, AND I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

THIS IS TRULY A DREAM COME TRUE.

I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH.

AND HERE I AM IN NEW YORK CITY,

EPSTEIN'S ORIGINAL ISLAND.

OH, IT'S SUCH A SPECIAL NIGHT. I GOT A SPRAY TAN TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, IT DESERVES THAT, THANK YOU.

THERE'S SO MANY PASTY WHITE GIRLS WHO ARE TERRIFIED TO GET SPRAY TANS,

I'M GOING TO LOOK ORANGE.

JUST -- BELIEVE ME, I PROMISE YOU, I PROMISE YOU --

IT'S BETTER THAN WHAT YOU ARE, OKAY?

DON'T BE SCARED. THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, I'M GOING TO LOOK LIKE TRUMP!

BITCH, THAT'S WHY HE WON.

YEAH, HE PICKED AN INSANE SHADE. HE WENT PRETTY DARK.

HE DIDN'T GO KAMALA, BUT HE PICKED A SHADE THAT

HALF OF AMERICA WAS LIKE, OKAY, WE CAN STILL TELL HE'S WHITE. SO,

I MEAN, IT IS KIND OF INSANE THAT WHITE PEOPLE CAN JUST PAINT THEIR SKIN A DIFFERENT COLOR

AND THEY'RE LIKE, THIS IS COOL, RIGHT?

I FEEL LIKE THAT'S CULTURAL APPROPRIATION. I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN,

IT'S NOT BLACKFACE, BUT IT IS GUATEMALAN LEG.

THIS IS NOT MY LEG.

I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOD, ME, I'M ALWAYS NIKKI,

LOOK AT THAT. AM I SAYING THAT RIGHT?

I GET SHE'S SPRAY TANS. I BREATHE THE STUFF IN EVERY WEEK.

I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO GET SOME KIND OF RESPIRATORY ILLNESS FROM IT.

IN 20 YEARS THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME EPIDEMIC CALLED TAN LUNG.

I REALLY WANT TO BE ON THE COMMERCIALS FOR THE CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT.

I THINK THAT'S SUCH A GOOD GIG.

IT WILL BE SO FUN FOR YOU, TOO.

YOU'LL TURN ON YOUR TV IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND BE, WHO IS THAT?

I'LL BE, LIKE, I'M NIKKI GLASER.

YOU MAY RECOGNIZE ME FROM THE ROAST OF TOM BRADY.

IT WILL BE LIKE ME AND SNOOKI. THAT'S FUN.

JUST TALKING THROUGH OUR TRACHS, RFK JUNIOR'ing OUT.

HE'S GOT TAN LUNG. I MEAN,

HE'S STAGE 2, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NO HEALTH EXPERT, BUT NOTWITHSTANDINGER IS HE.

IT'S JUST CRAZY WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT OUR LOOKS SO MUCH.

IT STARTS SO YOUNG AS A GIRL.

I SAW THIS GIRL THE OTHER DAY. SHE WAS PROBABLY 6 YEARS OLD.

AND HER DAD WAS TRYING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF HER.

McKENZIE, LOOK OVER HERE.

DAD, GET MY GOOD SIDE.

SHE'S LIKE, "GOOD SIDE." 6.

SO SAD, BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T HAVE ONE.

IT'S LIKE, WHEN IS SHE GOING TO FIND OUT?

SHE NEEDS TO LEARN A TRADE, YOU KNOW?

HAND HER A WRENCH OR DO COMEDY. I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST THINK THERE'S SO MANY THINGS WE DO FOR BEAUTY THAT ARE IMPORTANT,

BUT THERE'S OTHER ONES I'M LIKE, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?

WHO CARES? LIKE NAILS. NO ONE CARES.

LIKE, I'VE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR TEN YEARS.

HE'S NEVER ONCE NOTICED THAT I'VE GOTTEN MY NAILS DONE.

AND THEY GO INSIDE HIM. SO IF HE DOESN'T CARE,

WHO DOES?

THE ONLY TIME HE CARED WAS WHEN I WAS THEM BEDAZZLED FOR HIS PLEASURE.

THEN HE LOVED THEM.

GOING TO THE NAIL SALON, IT'S SO BORING.

IT'S SUCH A WASTE OF TIME.

YOU JUST SIT THERE FOR TWO HOURS JUST PARALYZED.

I FEEL LIKE MEN THINK WE GO TO THE NAIL SALON WITH OUR GIRLFRIENDS

AND CHITCHAT THE WHOLE TIME, BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE.

YOU CAN GO TO THE NAIL SALON WITH A FRIEND,

BUT YOU GET SEPARATED AT THE BORDER.

THEY DO NOT LET YOU SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER. IT'S SO ANTISOCIAL.

WATCHING ON MUTE

YOU CAN'T TALK TO THE WOMAN DOING YOUR NAILS, BECAUSE

SLAVERY? I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.

SHE SEEMS STUCK AND SAD. I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK I'M JUST PARANOID.

I'M JUST KIND OF OBSESSED WITH SLAVERY RECENTLY, BECAUSE --

EVERY TIME YOU GO TO A WOMEN'S RESTROOM, A PUBLIC WOMEN'S RESTROOM, IN THE STALL

THERE'S A POSTER ON THE BACK OF THE STALL ASKING YOU IF YOU'RE BEING TRAFFICKED.

WOMEN, WE HAVE THESE, RIGHT? YES, YES.

IN EVERY STALL, IN EVERY WORLD LANGUAGE.

ENGLISH IS REALLY TINY AND IT'S LIKE, "YOU WISH." BUT IT'S LIKE --

MEN'SEST RESTROOMS DO NOT HAVE THESE SIGNS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIGNS YOU HAVE. MAYBE YOU HAVE SIGNS LIKE,

"WANT A SLAVE? TEXT "TRAFFIC" TO 6969."

BUT IT'S REALLY A BIG FEAR OF BEING TRAFFICKED.

MOSTLY FOR GEN-Z GIRLS.

I HAVE A LOT OF GEN-Z FRIENDS THAT I BOUGHT.

THEY'RE TERRIFIED.

AND I DON'T RELATE. I'M 41.

THAT WAS LIKE NOT A FEAR OF MINE EVER IN MY 20s.

IN MY 20s I JUST FEARED GOOD OLD-FASHIONED RAPE.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE A CAREER. WE DIDN'T THINK --

IT WAS ANYTHING MORE THAN A TEMP JOB AT A FRAT HOUSE FUTON. BUT

IT'S REAL. I'M GETTING SCARED. IT'S RUBBING OUT WITH ME.

RECENTLY WHAT IF WE GET TRAFFICKED?

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU'RE GOOD."

THEY'RE LIKE, "WE'RE SAFER WHEN YOU'RE WITH US

BECAUSE THEY THINK YOU'RE OUR MADAM."

"YOU HAVE RESTING GHISLAINE" FACE, SO KEEP THAT UP."

WHAT?

I'M GOING TO GET IT FIXED. I'M GOING TO GET A FACELIFT PRETTY SOON HERE.

MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T WANT ME TO. HE'S LIKE, NO, DON'T DO YOUR FACE,

I LOVE YOUR FACE, DO YOUR TITS.

WHAT?

THAT'S ALL HE CARES ABOUT. HE'S A SHORT GUY, THEY'RE ALL HE SEES, I THINK.

I THINK THAT'S WHY HE'S FOCUSED ON THEM.

I DO DATE A SHORT GUY, SHORTER THAN ME, BUT REALLY HOT.

I THINK THAT'S WHY I GOT HIM,

BECAUSE I COULD NEVER GET HIS FACE ON A TALLER MODEL.

LIKE, IF YOU WANT TO GET A 10 IN THE FACE, YOU'VE GOT TO GO 5'7" IN THE HEIGHT.

TRICK GETTING A HOT GUY ON DISCOUNT. HE'S MARKED DOWN.

I MET MY BOYFRIEND AT TJ MAXX, CLEARANCE RACK,

HE WAS HIDING IN IT.

IT'S CRAZY. SOMETIMES I'LL POST A PICTURE OF US ONLINE

AND I'LL GET COMMENTS OF, GIRL, HE'S HOT, HOW DID YOU GET HIM?

I'M LIKE, IF YOU ZOOMED OUT, YOU'D SEE HE'S SITTING ON MY LAP.

THIS IS A TINY GUY.

WENT DIGGING IN THE BARGAIN BIN, LADIES.

BUT -- YEAH, GIRLS DON'T LIKE SHORT GUYS.

AND I GUESS IT'S BECAUSE YOU WANT A TALL GUY

SO THAT YOU CAN FEEL LIKE, HE CAN PROTECT ME,

AND MURDER ME SOMEDAY. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S IT.

BUT MY BOYFRIEND'S SHORTER THAN ME. I'VE NEVER FELT LIKE HE CAN'T PROTECT ME,

AND I AM CERTAIN HE WILL MURDER ME SOMEDAY.

HE IS SO FILLED WITH RAGE THAT HE'S SHORT.

I MEAN, HE IS JUST SIMMERING WITH ANGER.

AND THAT'S WHY I KEEP OUR GUN ON THE TOP SHELF. I CAN'T RISK THAT.

I NEED HIM TO GO GET A STEPLADDER AND THINK IT THROUGH, YOU KNOW?

THE NUMBER OF TIMES I'VE WALKED INTO OUR CLOSET AND SEEN HIM LIKE --

AND I'M LIKE, "DOES SOMEONE NEED TO GET UPPY-UPPY

TO GET THE BANG-BANG TO MAKE NIKKI GO BYE-BYE?"

THEN I GIVE HIM A JUICE BOX, AND HE FORGETS WHY HE'S UPSET.

WE DON'T HAVE KIDS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO PASS DOWN THAT DNA.

BUT IT'S JUST -- I FEEL LIKE IT'S TOO HARD TO BE A MOM.

I HAVE TOO MUCH ANXIETY ABOUT IT. IT'S HARD BEING AN AUNT.

I WAS STAYING AT MY SISTER'S HOUSE RECENTLY,

AND AT ONE POINT I WAS LIKE, "I'M GOING TO GO TAKE A SHOWER."

MY NEPHEW COMES RUNNING IN, "I TAKE A SHOWER WITH YOU!"

HE'S 18.

I'M LIKE, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIS VOICE?

SOMETHING'S WRONG.

NO, NO. HE WAS 4, AND IT WAS VERY CUTE.

MY SISTER'S LIKE, HE CAN TAKE A SHOWER WITH YOU, IT'S FINE, HE DOES IT WITH US.

OKAY, THAT'S FINE FOR YOU GUYS

BUT ARE YOU OKAY WITHN AN ADULT SHOWERING WITH YOUR CHILD?

MAYBE IT'S OKAY IF YOU COME AND SUPERVISE.

SHE WAS LIKE, WHY? AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT AM. I MOLEST HIM?

SHE WAS LIKE, WOULD YOU? I WAS LIKE, NO!

I WOULD NEVER! THAT'S DISGUSTING!

BUT THAT'S WHAT I'D SAY IF I WAS GONNA.

THEY LIE! DON'T TRUST ANYONE.

I DON'T EVEN TRUST MYSELF. I DON'T WANT TO GO IN THERE.

HOW DO YOU BECOME A PEDESTRIAN TILE? YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE WHAT YOU'RE INTO, DUDE.

WHAT IF IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW YOU LIKE TILL YOU GET IN THERE AND YOU'RE LIKE,

WELL, THIS IS MY THING.

AND IT OPENS UP A PART OF MY BRAIN. NO, NO, NO.

I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY THINGS IN MY LIFE

THAT I'VE BEEN, I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

AND NOW I'M LIKE, LOOKS KIND OF FUN, ACTUALLY. SO I DON'T KNOW.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

WE HAVE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

SOMBR IS HERE.

SO STICK AROUND, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

>>> I TRIED TO TELL HER, BABE, YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING? I LOVE THAT YOU GUYS DO FAMILY KARAOKE NIGHTS,

THAT'S SO SWEET.

>> AWW, PETEY, I LIKE HER ALREADY.

>> THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR LITTLE FAMILY TRADITION.

>> I KNOW IT'S SILLY, BUT WE LOVE IT.

>> I'M JUST EXCITED TO MEET YOU GUYS.

>> ALL RIGHT, PARTY PEOPLE, DEEJAY FIG-A-LICIOUS ON THE MIC.

IF YOU ARE THE OWNER OF A 2004 COROLLA,

PLEASE TALK TO ME, I'M CONSIDERING BUYING ONE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW GIVE IT UP FOR BECKY AND PETEY!

>> WAIT, YOU PUT IN OUR SONG ALREADY?

>> YOU KNOW I DID, LITTLE BRO, GET UP THERE.

>> OH, MY GOD. I'M SORRY, BABE, DUTY CALLS.

>> HAVE FUN!

>> THIS IS FOR MY BABY BROTHER. I LOVE YOU, BUDDY.

SIS

¶ AND I'D GIVE UP FOREVER TO TOUCH YOU

'CAUSE I KNOW THAT E SOMEHOW ¶

OH, I FEEL IT TOO.

¶ YOU'RE THE CLOSEST TO HEAVEN I'LL EVER BE

AND I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW ¶

>> NEVER.

>> GO, KIDS! ¶ ALL I CAN SEE IS THIS MOMENT ¶

¶ AND ALL I CAN BREATHE IS YOUR LIFE ¶

¶ AND SOONER OR LATER IT'S OVER

I JUST DON'T WANT TO MISS YOU TONIGHT ¶

¶ AND I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO SEE ME

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK THAT SHE'D UNDERSTAND ¶

>> ME?

¶ WHEN EVERYTHING'S MADE TO BE BROKEN

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM ¶

¶ I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I AM ¶

>> I DO. >> I KNOW YOU DO.

KIDS

>> AND THEY'RE FULL SIBLINGS?

>> OH, YEAH. VERY FULL. >> GO, KIDS!

>> ALL RIGHT, GIVE IT UP FOR BECKY AND PETEY.

AND NEXT UP, OH-OH --

IT'S PETEY AND BECKY.

>> WHAT? OH, MY GOSH. DID YOU PUT ONE IN TOO?

>> OF COURSE I DID, SIS, COME ON. >> OH, MY GOSH.

WHAT

¶ I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU

LIKE YOU WANT ME TO ¶

¶ AND I'LL HOLD YOU TIGHT

BABY ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT ¶

¶ I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU ¶

>> SO PETEY SAYS YOU'RE ON WEGOVY.

>> WHAT? SORRY, I'M A LITTLE DISTRACTED.

HE'S KIND OF HUMPING HIS SISTER.

>> WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?

>> BABE, WE WERE JUST DANCING.

>> NO, NO. I GET IT, GIRL. IT'S OKAY.

PETE AND I HAVE ALWAYS JUST BEEN BEST FRIENDS.

AND WE JUST LOVE SINGING SONGS THAT WE GREW UP LISTENING TOGETHER.

>> YEAH, I MEAN, WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN SUPER CHOSE.

WE SHARED A BEDROOM TILL SHE LEFT FOR COLLEGE.

>> OH, THAT'S LATE, NO?

>> YEAH, IT WAS FINE. WHEN I TURNED 17, WE GOT SEPARATE BEDS.

>> THE WORST. >> THE WORST.

>> WHAT? WHAT?

>> SPEAKING OF CLOSE, IT'S DADDY-DAUGHTER TIME. COME ON!

>> OH, MY GOSH, DAD, YOU DIDN'T PICK THE SONG WE DANCED TO AT MY WEDDING, DID YOU?

CRY

>> I SURE DID, SWEETHEART. HIT IT, DEEJAY!

¶ BABY WHEN WE'RE GRINDING

I GET SO EXCITED ¶

¶ HOW I LIKE IT

I CAN'T HIDE IT ¶

¶ OH YA DANCING REAL CLOSE

AND SWAY IS REAL SLOW ¶

>> I MISS GRANDMA. >> ME TOO.

¶ YOU'RE MAKING IT HARD FOR ME.

>> THIS IS MAKING ME FEEL WEIRD, I'M JUST GOING TO GO.

>> WHY, WHY?

>> NO, NO, LET HER GO.

SHE JUST MAD THAT YOU TWO ARE SO CLEARLY SEXUALLY SATISFIED AND IN LOVE.

>> NO, NO, NO, WE'RE BROTHER AND SISTER.

>> YOU THE HECK SAY WHAT, NOW?

>> OKAY, WAIT. WHY DON'T I JUST DO A SONG,

JUST ME, FOR MY BABY GIRL?

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

GET UP HERE. HIT IT, DEEJAY.

>> THE SONG THAT YOU TOLD ME WAS SPECIFICALLY RESERVED FOR YOU TO SING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND

AND NOT YOUR FREAKY DEAKY SISTER?

>> YES, DEEJAY FREAK-A-LICIOUS.

>> ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT IT, PLAYBOY.

¶ YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME ¶

>> WHAT? NO, NO!

¶ YOU GOT A FRIEND IN ME ¶

>> YOU FEEL LIKE FAMILY ALREADY, SIS.

>>> ARE YOU ANXIOUS, OVERWHELMED?

HAVE YOU STOPPED FEELING LIKE YOURSELF?

ARE YOU OVERCOME WITH AN INTENSE FEELING OF FOREBODING AND DREAD?

IF SO, YOU MAY BE ONE OF THE MANY CELEBRITIES

WHO ARE SCHEDULED TO DANCE THROUGH THE JENNIFER HUDSON SPIRIT TUNNEL.

>> I LOVE JENNIFER HUDSON.

BUT AS AN UNCOORDINATED WHITE WOMAN, I FELT TRAPPED.

I'D TRIED PRACTICING, BUT EVERYTHING I CAME UP WITH LOOKED CAREER-ENDING.

POINTING. SHOULDER SHRUG.

DRUNK AUNT AT A WEDDING.

I EVEN TRIED TO PUT MY ASS INTO IT.

BUT I DON'T HAVE ONE.

I JUST KEPT IMAGINING MYSELF IN THAT TUNNEL.

¶ COME ON NIKKI YOU'RE SO FINE YOU'RE SO FINE

YOU BLOW MY MIND HEY NIKKI HEY NIKKI ¶

>> IT FELT LIKE THERE WAS NO WAY OUT.

THAT'S WHEN MY DOCTOR TOLD ME ABOUT HUDSICILLIN.

HUDSICILLIN IS THE ONLY MEDICATION PROVED TO KILL SPIRIT TUNNEL RELATED SYMPTOMS

WORKS

NOT BY MAKING YOUR BODY AWAY

BIT BY MAKING YOU SO VIOLENTLY ILL.

YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO CANCEL.

IT WORKS FAST, MAYBE TOO FAST.

30 SECONDS AFTER MY FIRST DOSE, I WAS SHAKING ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.

NOT KNOWING WHICH END OF ME TO AIM AT THE TOILET.

THAT'S BECAUSE HUDSICILLIN IS MADE FROM A GENTLE BLEND

OF E. COLI, INFLUENZA, C. DIFF. AND RANCID BUTTERMILK.

I FINALLY HAVE MY LIFE BACK.

AND NOW MY SPOT IN THE TUNNEL CAN GO TO SOMEONE WHO REALLY WANTS IT.

MARCELLO

THANKS, HUDSICILLIN.

HUDSICILLIN. WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE?

LIGHTENING UP AND BEING FUN? GOOD LUCK.

RETURN

AS TIME.

>> PAPA! PAPA! THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE OKAY!

>> OH, BELLE, WHAT EVERY DOING HERE? YOU MUST LEAVE NOW.

>> I CAME TO RESCUE YOU. >> OH, NO, BELLE, IT'S NOT SAFE.

THE PRINCE WHO OWNS THIS CASTLE WAS CURSED TO BECOME A TERRIBLE BEAST.

>> I'LL DO ANYTHING TO SAVE YOU, FATHER. I'LL TAKE YOUR PLACE.

>> OH, BELLE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HE'S NOT JUST ANY BEAST. HE'S -- HE'S --

MR. BEAST!

>> I'M KEEPING HER DAD TRAPPED IN A DUNGEON FOR 30 DAYS

FOR A CHANCE TO WIN OVER $300,000.

>> DISNEY'S "BEAUTY AND MR. BEAST."

>> LET MY FATHER GO!

>> FOR EVERY POUND HE LOSES, I'LL GIVE A TESLA TO A RANDOM STRANGER.

>> WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

>> WHY, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD?

HE USED TO BE A HANDSOME PRINCE UNTIL HE WAS CURSED BY A WITCH.

>> HE WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING, RANTING AND RAVING

ABOUT SENDING THE WORLD'S LARGEST MAN TO THE WORLD'S SMALLEST ISLAND.

>> AND YOU WERE CURSED TOO? >> OUI, I WAS.

>> AND IF I LIVE FOR ONE YEAR AS A CLOCK, I GET $2,500.

NOW -- WAIT A MINUTE, I'M JUST REALIZING THAT'S NOT A LOT OF MONEY.

>> MADEMOISELLE, DON'T JUDGE OUR MASTER TOO HARSHLY.

HE IS A MAN OF TASTE. LOOK AT HIS ART.

LIVE

>> FROM THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS WHO THOUGHT

NOBODY SEES MOVIES ANYMORE SO EFF IT, HAIL MARY?

AND THE DIRECTOR OF KAI-SABLANCA.

>> WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE LAST PETAL FALLS?

>> A MAN IN ALBANY HAS TO EAT 500 SOFT SHELL CRABS.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I FEEL LIKE I COULD SPEND EIGHT HOURS LISTENING TO YOU.

>> WELL, THAT IS BECAUSE, MADEMOISELLE --

¶ YOU'RE DEPRESSED YOU'RE DEPRESSED

WITH A LAPTOP ON YOUR CHEST ¶

¶ WATCH YOUR GAME FORGET YOUR STRESS

YOU'RE DEPRESSED ¶

>> I DON'T GET IT, SAYS EVERY PERSON OVER 25.

AND, I'M BUILDING THE LARGEST LEGO TOWER IN THE WORLD,

RAVES MR. BEAST.

>> I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TENDER HEART UNDER THERE.

I -- I THINK I LOVE YOU, BEAST.

>> REALLY? EVEN THOUGH MY TOP HALF IS BEAST

AND MY BOTTOM HALF IS COMPLETELY SMOOTH?

>> WELL -- I GUESS I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

>> DANCE WITH ME, BELLE.

¶ TALE AS OLD AS TIME ¶

¶ SQUID GAME FOR THE TEENS ¶

¶ LIVE IN A CVS - FOR A CHANCE TO WIN

A LAMBORGHINI ¶

>> OH, BEAST, I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

>> OH, REALLY? A BEAST LIKE ME?

OKAY. I WILL MARRY YOU, BELLE.

IF YOU CAN LIVE FOR 30 DAYS IN A SMART CAR

WITH THESE TWO GREASED-UP SUMO WRESTLERS.

AND YOU'RE A BILLIONAIRE, YOU SAID? >> SURE AM.

>> WELL, THEN I GUESS I'LL TRY.

¶ BEAUTY AND MR. BEAST ¶

>> DISNEY'S "BEAUTY AND MR. BEAST."

>>> IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU GREW UP TREASURING YOUR AMERICAN GIRL DOLL.

I HELD ON TO SAMANTHA PARKINGTON UNTIL I WAS ALMOST 12.

AS WE MATURE AS WOMEN, OUR DOLLS DON'T MATURE ALONG WITH US.

UNTIL NOW.

INTRODUCING AMERICAN GIRL XL.

THE SAME HIGH-QUALITY, LOVINGLY CRAFTED DOLLS,

BUT LARGER AND ALL GROWN UP.

JUST LIKE YOU.

>> MY TERESA DOLL HAS THE MOST INSPIRING JOB OF ALL, TEACHER.

>> WITH SUZANNE BY MY SIDE,

I KNOW JUSTICE WILL ALWAYS BE SERVED.

>> AND JESSICA HERE IS A NURSE. HOW COOL IS THAT?

SHE TAKES SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME.

>> AND JUST LIKE OUR REGULAR DOLLS,

OUR XL DOLLS HAVE INCREDIBLE ATTENTION TO DETAIL.

>> JUST LOOK AT THE STITCHING ON MY DOLL'S SUIT.

>> AND ALL THE COOL PATCHES ON MY ASTRONAUT DOLL.

>> AND MY DOLL'S FEET. SO LIFELIKE.

>> WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT ARE THEIR STORIES.

SUZANNE HERE WAS THE FIRST FEMALE JUDGE IN MISSOURI.

>> I MADE UP MY OWN BACKSTORY FOR JESSICA.

SHE'S FROM LITHUANIA.

>> NO, SHE'S AMERICAN. >> WELL, SHE IS NOW.

>> MINE HATES HER DAD, AND SHE WANTS TO BE A SINGER.

THAT'S WHY HER MOUTH IS ALWAYS OPEN.

>> THE POINT IS, AMERICAN GIRL XL DOLLS

WILL INSPIRE WOMEN OF ALL AGES.

AND YOU CAN EVEN DESIGN YOUR OWN BASED ON HISTORICAL FIGURES.

>> MINE LOOKS LIKE ROSIE THE RIVETER.

>> MINE LOOKS LIKE AMELIA EARHART.

>> MINE LOOKS LIKE MY BROTHER'S WIFE.

>> NO, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HISTORICAL FIGURES.

>> THAT'S RIGHT. ABIGAIL HERE IS FROM COLONIAL TIMES.

THAT'S WHY HER HANDS CHURN BUTTER.

>> ARE YOU HERE WITH SOMEBODY? MAYBE YOUR DAUGHTER OR --

>> CLOSE. MY DAD.

>> MINE'S AN OLYMPIC SKIER.

>> I REALLY DON'T LIKE THAT.

>> AND THE BEST PART IS -- >> WAIT, WHO ARE YOU?

>> YOU CAN TAKE THE CLOTHING FROM YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN GIRL DOLL

AND USE IT ON YOUR XL DOLL.

>> PLEASE, NEVER DO THAT. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO HER?

>> BECAUSE IT'S FUN AND WE'RE IN LOVE.

>> AND THEIR HAIR IS SUPER STRONG.

>> YOU CAN MIX AND MATCH THEIR PARTS. I MADE MINE BIRACIAL.

>> IF YOU FOLD HER IN HALF, SHE FITS RIGHT INTO THE DISHWASHER.

>> HEY, WANT TO TRADE FOR A LITTLE WHILE? >> I'D LOVE THAT.

>> THAT'S IT, WE'RE SHUTTING THE STORE DOWN.

>> AMERICAN GIRL XL.

THEY MADE AN XL MISTAKE.

>> HONEY, SLOW DOWN, THAT'S YOUR THIRD MARTINI.

HERE, HAVE SOME OF YOUR HOT DOG.

>>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

LET'S HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR ALEXIS!

>> OH, MY GOD, THAT WAS SO CRAZY.

>> WHAT'S CRAZY IS THAT I'M GETTING MARRIED IN TWO WEEKS.

>> I WISH IT WAS TO ME.

OOPS, I SAID THAT OUT LOUD.

I'LL BE LEAVING NOW.

>> OKAY. BYE!

YOU GUYS, THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.

WAIT -- WHERE ARE KAYLA AND DELULAH?

>> OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE ON THE BULL.

>> HI, GIRLIES!

>> YEE-HAW, YOU GUYS!

>> ONE AT A TIME, PLEASE, AND YOU'RE MUCH TOO DRUNK.

>> NO, WE'RE NOT. I ONLY HAD A MARTINI WITH A TWIST.

AND THE TWIST, I HAD FOUR MARGARITAS.

>> LET'S GET THIS DONKEY MOVING, Y'ALL! >> YEAH!

>> IT IS NOT A DONKEY.

ANDRE, DO NOT START THAT BULL.

ON THE ONE HAND, I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THIS.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND -- I WOULD LIKE TO SEE

TWO BUXOM BABES BEING BUCKED AROUND ON A BRONCO.

I CALL THIS "ANDRE'S DILEMMA."

DILEMMA SOLVED. I WILL DO IT.

>> ANDRE! WHAT SETTING DID YOU PUT IT ON?

>> OH MY DEAR GOODNESS ME, I AM AFRAID IN MY TITILLATED STATE

I ACCIDENTALLY SET IT TO "BON VOYAGE."

>> NOOOOOOO!

¶ SO JUST LIKE THAT THEY STARTED THEIR QUEST

TWO BLOTTO BIMBOS HEADED WEST ¶

¶ RIDING ACROSS THE USA WITH ALL THE SIGHTS TO SEE ¶

¶ COPS ON THE HIGHWAY COULDN'T DECIDE

IF THE SITUATION WAS A DUI ¶

¶ JUST TWO DRUNK BITCHES

ON A RUNAWAY MECHANICAL BULL ¶

>> I'M HUNGRY! >> OPEN OUR MOUTHS FOR SOME BUGS.

>> GOOD IDEA.

BEES!

AND A BIRD!

¶ SO THEY SAW THE OLD FAITHFUL

THEN SWALLOWED GRAND CANYON DIRT ¶

¶ SAW USHER IN VEGAS AND GOT SOILED PANTIES ¶

OILED

¶ ATE CHEESE IN WISCONSIN WHICH THEY THOUGHT WAS DELISH

THEN WENT TO NIAGARA GOT SLAPPED BY A FISH ¶

¶ WHERE THE BIRD AND BEES AND A BIG BLOCK OF CHEESE ¶

¶ JUST TWO DUMB BITCHES ¶

¶ ON A RUNAWAY MECHANICAL BULL ¶

>> WE'RE NOT DUMB, WE WENT TO COLLEGE.

>> I WENT TO UTI.

WAIT -- I HAVE A UTI.

¶ THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY WERE CROSSING THE OCEAN ¶

¶ AND THE NAVY PICKED UP SOME SUSPICIOUS MOTION ¶

AND THEIR SOFTWARE IDENTIFIED THEM AS HOSTILE ¶

>> THIS IS U.S. SOUTHERN COMMAND, WE'RE CLEAR TO FIRE ON BOGEYS.

>> HI!

>> ROGER THAT, LAUNCHING HELLFIRE MISSILES.

¶ WITH THE MILITARY AND THE BIRD AND THE BEES AND THE BIG BLOCK OF CHEESE ¶

¶ JUST TWO WORLD-TRAVELING BITCHES

AND A BULL GOING THE SPEED OF LIGHT ¶

>> LOOK, TWO MINUTES AGO!

>> OH-OH, THINGS ARE GETTING WEIRD.

¶ SO I WENT BACK IN TIME TO ITALY

AND MET GALILEO GALILEI ¶

¶ AND TOLD HIM THE EARTH REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN ¶

>> YOU'RE COMING WITH US, BIG FELLA.

OKAY

¶ THEY TRAVELED BACK FARTHER TO LINEAR SPACE

AND COMMUNICATED WITH ANOTHER RACE ¶

¶ THEN GOT HIT BY ANOTHER FISH AND A BUCKET OF WATER ¶

>> THAT ISN'T NECESSARY. >> COOL!

¶ GALILEO GALILEI AND THE MILITARY

AND THE BIRDS AND THE BEES AND A BIG BLOCK OF CHEESE ¶

¶ JUST TWO TRAVELING BITCHES

AND A MAN WHO LOST HIS JOB

ANDRE ¶ ¶ ANDRE ANDRE ¶

LADIES

12 to 12

¶ I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE

FROM THE HOURS OF 12 TO 12

I AM NOT THE LEAST COMPELLED

BY ANYONE BUT YOURSELF ¶

¶ LOOK AT ME IT MAKES ME MELT

I KNOW YOU WANNA SEE ME IN HELL ¶ ¶ MY LOVE

I'M DEALING WITH THE CARDS I'VE DEALT

WHILE YOU'RE DANCING WITH SOMEBODY ELSE ¶

¶ WAS IT ALWAYS IN YOUR PLAN TO LEAVE EVENTUALLY ¶

¶ BECAUSE TO ME THERE'S NO ONE ELSE THAT COULD MAKE SENSE TO ME ¶

¶ THE LAST AND FINAL PUZZLE PIECE ¶

¶ IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE I LOOK FOR YOU ¶

¶ WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR WOULD YOU LOOK FOR ME TOO ¶

¶ TELL ME IS OUR STORY THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS STILL BEAT IN TUNE ¶

¶ I'VE NEVER FELT ANYTHING

LIKE THE LOVE FROM MY FINAL DAYS ¶

¶ WHY'D YOU WAIT

TO SHOW ME YOU COULD DO IT THIS WAY ¶

I'LL NEVER LOOK AT YOU LOOK AT YOU THE SAME ¶

¶ WE MET IN THE PARIS CAFE

I SAID CAN I SIT WITH YOU

COMMA CA SE FAIT MY MISTAKE OHH ¶

¶ IF I'D KNOWN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THIS WAY

I'D NEVER LOOKED AT YOU LOOKED IN THE FIRST PLACE ¶

¶ WAS IT ALWAYS IN YOUR PLAN TO LEAVE EVENTUALLY ¶

¶ BECAUSE TO ME THERE'S NO ONE ELSE THAT COULD MAKE SENSE TO ME ¶

¶ THE LAST AND FINAL PUZZLE PIECE ¶

>> I SAID ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S GO.

¶ IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE I LOOK FOR YOU

WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR WOULD YOU LOOK FOR ME TOO ¶

¶ TELL ME IS OUR STORY THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS STILL BEAT IN TUNE ¶

¶ MAYBE I'M DELUSIONAL

AND THE WAY YOU ACT IS USUAL

MAYBE IN ANOTHER WORLD

I WON'T FEEL SO UNLOVABLE ¶

¶ IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE I LOOK FOR YOU

WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR WOULD YOU LOOK FOR ME TOO ¶

¶ TELL ME IS OUR STORY THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS STILL BEAT IN TUNE ¶

¶ IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE I LOOK FOR YOU

WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR WOULD YOU SEE ME THROUGH ¶

¶ TELL ME IS OUR STORY THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS STILL BEAT IN TUNE ¶