All language subtitles for e05 - Nikki Glaser and sombr.eng

EARLIER

>>> HELLO.
I'D LIKE TO THANK PRESIDENT
TRUMP FOR HAVING US.

THOSE OF US FROM THE
PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY
ARE
HONORED TO BE HERE TODAY

ALONGSIDE RFK JR. AND DR. OZ.

WE'RE GOING TO DISCUSS LOWERING
THE PRICE OF WEIGHT LOSS DRUGS.

FOR YEARS, MY COMPANY, ELI LILLY,

HAS BEEN AT THE FOREFRONT
OF PROVIDING AMERICANS WITH --

>> OH, NO!

>> OH, HI.
DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

SOMEONE WAS DYING IN MY OFFICE.

I THINK I'M PLAYING THIS VERY
NORMAL.

JUST STAND THERE AND STARE LIKE
A SOCIOPATH.

PRETEND LIKE I WAS GOING TO HELP,

SOMEONE DROPS SOMETHING
AND YOU DO THE FAKE BEND, OH,

LET ME HELP YOU PICK THAT UP,
YOU GOT IT

RFK OUT OF HERE LIKE
SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO GIVE HIM A
VACCINE.

BRAINWORM, TAKE THE WHEEL!

THAT THING RATATOUILLE'D HIM OUT
OF THE ROOM.

EACH WEEK, I LIKE TO CREATE A
BIG VISUAL

THAT SUMS UP HOW
THINGS ARE GOING.

LAST WEEK IT WAS THE DEMOLISHING
OF THE EAST WING.

THIS WEEK IT'S A MEDICAL
PROFESSIONAL ALMOST DYING IN MY OVAL OFFICE

AT THE MERE THOUGHT
OF CHARGING LESS FOR DRUGS.

MAYBE NEXT WEEK A BALD EAGLE
WILL FALL DEAD OUT OF THE SKY

AND SPLAT RIGHT ON THE WHITE
HOUSE LAWN.

BY LAWN I MEAN BIG OUTDOOR
CONCRETE FLOOR.

THERE?

MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOW'S THE
FLOOR?
OKAY?

A GUY COLLAPSING IN THE OVAL
OFFICE, WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT IT
WOULD BE NOT ME.

DON'T WORRY, HE'LL BE FINE.
DR. OZ IS ON THE CASE.

ANYWAY, ALL IN ALL A GREAT,
AWESOME WEEK

EXCEPT FOR
ELECTION.
THE DEMOCRATS WON.

THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA CALLED THE
ELECTIONS A REBUKE OF TRUMP'S
POLICIES.

JOKE'S ON THEM, THEY'RE STEPHEN
MILLER'S POLICIES, I DON'T READ
THAT STUFF.

NO LIKEE READEE.

CAN'T BELIEVE THEY ELECTED
MAMDANI.

WE LIKE TO SAY, MAMDANI.

I'M TORN BECAUSE I LIKE A WINNER
BUT I'M NOT CRAZY ABOUT A
MUSLIM.

MAYBE HE'LL CONVERT.

WE'LL PUT HIM IN LINE BEHIND
URSHA VANCE, AND I HOPE I'M
PRONOUNCING THAT WRONG.

OUR SIDE HAD SOME WINS THIS
WEEK, TOO.

THE SUPREME COURT SAID WE COULD
STOP FEEDING POOR PEOPLE.

YOU CAN CLAP FOR THAT.
S.N.A.P.!

S.N.A.P.!

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO CAN AFFORD
FOOD, NO, YOU CAN'T.

I PROMISED GROCERY PRICES WOULD
PLUMMET,

AND THEY DID, THEY
PLUMMETED STRAIGHT UP.

PEOPLE ARE SAYING, BUT SIR, HOW
WILL I AFFORD MY THANKSGIVING
TURKEY FOR MY FAMILY?

WELL, GOOD NEWS IS YOUR FAMILY'S
NOT COMING BECAUSE ALL THE
PLANES ARE GONE.

WE CALL THAT PROBLEM SOLVING
PROBLEM.

KILLING TWO BIRDS WITH ANOTHER
BIRD.
NOW YOU GOT A BUNCH OF CRAZY
BIRDS.

WE LIKE IT, WE LIKE IT, THAT'S
KIND OF OUR THING.

CAN'T AFFORD FOOD, HAVE SOME
CHEAP OZEMPIC.

NOW YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY AND YOU
GET TO TAKE ONE WEIRD, PAINFUL
POOP A WEEK.

HOW'S IT GOING BACK THERE?
IS HE DEAD?

THEY'RE DOING THE -- THEY GOT
THE LEGS UP, THAT MEANS DEAD IN
CARTOON.

ACTUALLY, DON'T TELL ME IF HE'S
DEAD, I WANT TO BE SURPRISED.

ANYWAY.
GOVERNMENT IS STILL SHUT DOWN.

ALL THANKS TO THE DEMOCRATS AND
SOME REPUBLICANS

AND ALL
REPUBLICANS AND ME.

PEOPLE SAY, JUST CAVE, DON, GIVE
THE DEMOCRATS WHAT THEY WANT,
END THIS.

I THINK WE'RE GOING TO DRAG IT
OUT.
WE'RE GOING TO KEEP THE
GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN.

WE'RE LOOKING INTO PERHAPS
STEALING CHRISTMAS.
WE'LL BE DOING GRINCH.

I LIKE THE GRINCH.
HE'S A GREAT GUY.

OUR WIVES ARE FRIENDS.
WE PLAY GOLF SOMETIMES.

IS HE OKAY?
HE'S OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, IF YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE
HIM TO GET AN MRI,

USE THIS,
THIS IS MY PUNCH CARD.

ONE MORE AND THE NEXT ONE'S
FREE.

AND FOR ANYONE WORRIED ABOUT THE
STATE OF THE COUNTRY, I'LL SAY THE SAME THING

I SAID TO MELANIA
WHEN SHE TRIED TO HELP ME DO MY
HAIR.

GO AWAY, WHAT I'M DOING IS VERY
COMPLICATED,

AND ONLY I KNOW HOW
TO DO IT.

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!

MUSICAL

HOST

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- NIKKI
GLASER!

>> THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

HI, I AM NIKKI GLASER, AND I AM
SO HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

THIS IS TRULY A DREAM COME TRUE.

I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH.

AND HERE I AM IN NEW YORK CITY,

EPSTEIN'S ORIGINAL ISLAND.

OH, IT'S SUCH A SPECIAL NIGHT.
I GOT A SPRAY TAN TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, IT DESERVES THAT,
THANK YOU.

THERE'S SO MANY PASTY WHITE
GIRLS WHO ARE TERRIFIED TO GET SPRAY TANS,

I'M GOING TO LOOK
ORANGE.

JUST -- BELIEVE ME, I PROMISE
YOU, I PROMISE YOU --

IT'S
BETTER THAN WHAT YOU ARE, OKAY?

DON'T BE SCARED.
THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, I'M GOING
TO LOOK LIKE TRUMP!

BITCH, THAT'S WHY HE WON.

YEAH, HE PICKED AN INSANE SHADE.
HE WENT PRETTY DARK.

HE DIDN'T GO KAMALA, BUT HE
PICKED A SHADE THAT

HALF OF
AMERICA WAS LIKE, OKAY, WE CAN
STILL TELL HE'S WHITE. SO,

I MEAN, IT IS KIND OF INSANE
THAT WHITE PEOPLE CAN JUST PAINT
THEIR SKIN A DIFFERENT COLOR

AND
THEY'RE LIKE, THIS IS COOL,
RIGHT?

I FEEL LIKE THAT'S CULTURAL
APPROPRIATION.
I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN,

IT'S NOT BLACKFACE, BUT
IT IS GUATEMALAN LEG.

THIS IS NOT MY LEG.

I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOD, ME, I'M
ALWAYS NIKKI,

LOOK AT THAT.
AM I SAYING THAT
RIGHT?

I GET SHE'S SPRAY TANS.
I BREATHE THE STUFF IN EVERY
WEEK.

I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO GET
SOME KIND OF RESPIRATORY ILLNESS
FROM IT.

IN 20 YEARS THERE'S GOING TO BE
SOME EPIDEMIC CALLED TAN LUNG.

I REALLY WANT TO BE ON THE
COMMERCIALS FOR THE CLASS ACTION
LAWSUIT.

I THINK THAT'S SUCH A GOOD GIG.

IT WILL BE SO FUN FOR YOU, TOO.

YOU'LL TURN ON YOUR TV IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND BE, WHO
IS THAT?

I'LL BE, LIKE, I'M NIKKI GLASER.

YOU MAY RECOGNIZE ME FROM THE
ROAST OF TOM BRADY.

IT WILL BE LIKE ME AND SNOOKI.
THAT'S FUN.

JUST TALKING THROUGH OUR TRACHS,
RFK JUNIOR'ing OUT.

HE'S GOT TAN LUNG. I MEAN,

HE'S STAGE 2, I DON'T
KNOW.

I'M NO HEALTH EXPERT, BUT
NOTWITHSTANDINGER IS HE.

IT'S JUST CRAZY WE HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT OUR LOOKS SO MUCH.

IT STARTS SO YOUNG AS A GIRL.

I SAW THIS GIRL THE OTHER DAY.
SHE WAS PROBABLY 6 YEARS OLD.

AND HER DAD WAS TRYING TO TAKE A
PICTURE OF HER.

McKENZIE, LOOK OVER HERE.

DAD, GET MY GOOD SIDE.

SHE'S LIKE, "GOOD SIDE."
6.

SO SAD, BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T HAVE
ONE.

IT'S LIKE, WHEN IS SHE GOING TO
FIND OUT?

SHE NEEDS TO LEARN A TRADE, YOU
KNOW?

HAND HER A WRENCH OR DO COMEDY.
I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST THINK THERE'S SO MANY
THINGS WE DO FOR BEAUTY THAT ARE IMPORTANT,

BUT THERE'S OTHER
ONES I'M LIKE, WHY ARE WE DOING
THIS?

WHO CARES?
LIKE NAILS.
NO ONE CARES.

LIKE, I'VE BEEN WITH MY
BOYFRIEND FOR TEN YEARS.

HE'S NEVER ONCE NOTICED THAT
I'VE GOTTEN MY NAILS DONE.

AND THEY GO INSIDE HIM.
SO IF HE DOESN'T CARE,

WHO DOES?

THE ONLY TIME HE CARED WAS WHEN
I WAS THEM BEDAZZLED FOR HIS
PLEASURE.

THEN HE LOVED THEM.

GOING TO THE NAIL SALON, IT'S SO
BORING.

IT'S SUCH A WASTE OF TIME.

YOU JUST SIT THERE FOR TWO HOURS
JUST PARALYZED.

I FEEL LIKE MEN THINK WE GO TO
THE NAIL SALON WITH OUR GIRLFRIENDS

AND CHITCHAT THE
WHOLE TIME, BUT THAT'S NOT THE
CASE.

YOU CAN GO TO THE NAIL SALON
WITH A FRIEND,

BUT YOU GET
SEPARATED AT THE BORDER.

THEY DO NOT LET YOU SIT NEXT TO
EACH OTHER.
IT'S SO ANTISOCIAL.

WATCHING
ON MUTE

YOU CAN'T TALK TO THE WOMAN
DOING YOUR NAILS, BECAUSE

SLAVERY?
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.

SHE SEEMS STUCK AND SAD.
I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK I'M JUST PARANOID.

I'M JUST KIND OF OBSESSED WITH
SLAVERY RECENTLY, BECAUSE --

EVERY TIME YOU GO TO A WOMEN'S
RESTROOM, A PUBLIC WOMEN'S
RESTROOM, IN THE STALL

THERE'S A
POSTER ON THE BACK OF THE STALL
ASKING YOU IF YOU'RE BEING
TRAFFICKED.

WOMEN, WE HAVE THESE, RIGHT?
YES, YES.

IN EVERY STALL, IN EVERY WORLD
LANGUAGE.

ENGLISH IS REALLY TINY AND IT'S
LIKE, "YOU WISH."
BUT IT'S LIKE --

MEN'SEST
RESTROOMS DO NOT HAVE THESE
SIGNS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIGNS YOU
HAVE. MAYBE YOU HAVE SIGNS LIKE,

"WANT
A SLAVE?
TEXT "TRAFFIC" TO 6969."

BUT IT'S REALLY A BIG FEAR OF
BEING TRAFFICKED.

MOSTLY FOR GEN-Z GIRLS.

I HAVE A LOT OF GEN-Z FRIENDS
THAT I BOUGHT.

THEY'RE TERRIFIED.

AND I DON'T RELATE.
I'M 41.

THAT WAS LIKE NOT A FEAR OF MINE
EVER IN MY 20s.

IN MY 20s I JUST FEARED GOOD
OLD-FASHIONED RAPE.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE A
CAREER.
WE DIDN'T THINK --

IT WAS ANYTHING MORE THAN A TEMP
JOB AT A FRAT HOUSE FUTON. BUT

IT'S REAL.
I'M GETTING SCARED.
IT'S RUBBING OUT WITH ME.

RECENTLY
WHAT IF WE GET TRAFFICKED?

THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU'RE GOOD."

THEY'RE LIKE, "WE'RE SAFER WHEN
YOU'RE WITH US

BECAUSE THEY
THINK YOU'RE OUR MADAM."

"YOU HAVE RESTING GHISLAINE"
FACE, SO KEEP THAT UP."

WHAT?

I'M GOING TO GET IT FIXED.
I'M GOING TO GET A FACELIFT
PRETTY SOON HERE.

MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T WANT ME TO.
HE'S LIKE, NO, DON'T DO YOUR FACE,

I LOVE YOUR FACE, DO YOUR
TITS.

WHAT?

THAT'S ALL HE CARES ABOUT.
HE'S A SHORT GUY, THEY'RE ALL HE
SEES, I THINK.

I THINK THAT'S WHY HE'S FOCUSED
ON THEM.

I DO DATE A SHORT GUY, SHORTER
THAN ME, BUT REALLY HOT.

I THINK THAT'S WHY I GOT HIM,

BECAUSE I COULD NEVER GET HIS
FACE ON A TALLER MODEL.

LIKE, IF YOU WANT TO GET A 10 IN
THE FACE, YOU'VE GOT TO GO 5'7"
IN THE HEIGHT.

TRICK
GETTING A HOT GUY ON DISCOUNT.
HE'S MARKED DOWN.

I MET MY BOYFRIEND AT TJ MAXX,
CLEARANCE RACK,

HE WAS HIDING IN
IT.

IT'S CRAZY.
SOMETIMES I'LL POST A PICTURE OF US ONLINE

AND I'LL GET COMMENTS
OF, GIRL, HE'S HOT, HOW DID YOU
GET HIM?

I'M LIKE, IF YOU ZOOMED OUT,
YOU'D SEE HE'S SITTING ON MY
LAP.

THIS IS A TINY GUY.

WENT DIGGING IN THE BARGAIN BIN,
LADIES.

BUT -- YEAH, GIRLS DON'T LIKE
SHORT GUYS.

AND I GUESS IT'S BECAUSE YOU
WANT A TALL GUY

SO THAT YOU CAN
FEEL LIKE, HE CAN PROTECT ME,

AND MURDER ME SOMEDAY.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S IT.

BUT MY BOYFRIEND'S SHORTER THAN
ME.
I'VE NEVER FELT LIKE HE CAN'T PROTECT ME,

AND I AM CERTAIN HE
WILL MURDER ME SOMEDAY.

HE IS SO FILLED WITH RAGE THAT
HE'S SHORT.

I MEAN, HE IS JUST SIMMERING
WITH ANGER.

AND THAT'S WHY I KEEP OUR GUN ON
THE TOP SHELF.
I CAN'T RISK THAT.

I NEED HIM TO GO GET A
STEPLADDER AND THINK IT THROUGH,
YOU KNOW?

THE NUMBER OF TIMES I'VE WALKED
INTO OUR CLOSET AND SEEN HIM
LIKE --

AND I'M LIKE, "DOES SOMEONE NEED
TO GET UPPY-UPPY

TO GET THE
BANG-BANG TO MAKE NIKKI GO
BYE-BYE?"

THEN I GIVE HIM A JUICE BOX, AND
HE FORGETS WHY HE'S UPSET.

WE DON'T HAVE KIDS BECAUSE I
DON'T WANT TO PASS DOWN THAT
DNA.

BUT IT'S JUST -- I FEEL LIKE
IT'S TOO HARD TO BE A MOM.

I HAVE TOO MUCH ANXIETY ABOUT
IT.
IT'S HARD BEING AN AUNT.

I WAS STAYING AT MY SISTER'S
HOUSE RECENTLY,

AND AT ONE POINT
I WAS LIKE, "I'M GOING TO GO
TAKE A SHOWER."

MY NEPHEW COMES RUNNING IN, "I
TAKE A SHOWER WITH YOU!"

HE'S 18.

I'M LIKE, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH
HIS VOICE?

SOMETHING'S WRONG.

NO, NO.
HE WAS 4, AND IT WAS VERY CUTE.

MY SISTER'S LIKE, HE CAN TAKE A
SHOWER WITH YOU, IT'S FINE, HE
DOES IT WITH US.

OKAY, THAT'S FINE FOR YOU GUYS

BUT ARE YOU OKAY WITHN AN ADULT
SHOWERING WITH YOUR CHILD?

MAYBE IT'S OKAY IF YOU COME AND
SUPERVISE.

SHE WAS LIKE, WHY?
AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT AM.
I MOLEST HIM?

SHE WAS LIKE, WOULD YOU?
I WAS LIKE, NO!

I WOULD NEVER!
THAT'S DISGUSTING!

BUT THAT'S WHAT I'D SAY IF I WAS
GONNA.

THEY LIE!
DON'T TRUST ANYONE.

I DON'T EVEN TRUST MYSELF.
I DON'T WANT TO GO IN THERE.

HOW DO YOU BECOME A PEDESTRIAN
TILE?
YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE WHAT
YOU'RE INTO, DUDE.

WHAT IF IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS
YOU DON'T KNOW YOU LIKE TILL YOU
GET IN THERE AND YOU'RE LIKE,

WELL, THIS IS MY THING.

AND IT OPENS UP A PART OF MY
BRAIN.
NO, NO, NO.

I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CRAZY, BUT
THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY THINGS IN MY LIFE

THAT I'VE BEEN, I
WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

AND NOW I'M LIKE, LOOKS KIND OF
FUN, ACTUALLY.
SO I DON'T KNOW.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

WE HAVE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT.

SOMBR IS HERE.

SO STICK AROUND, AND WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK!

>>> I TRIED TO TELL HER, BABE,
YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO
THIS.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING?
I LOVE THAT YOU GUYS DO FAMILY
KARAOKE NIGHTS,

THAT'S SO SWEET.

>> AWW, PETEY, I LIKE HER
ALREADY.

>> THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR
LITTLE FAMILY TRADITION.

>> I KNOW IT'S SILLY, BUT WE
LOVE IT.

>> I'M JUST EXCITED TO MEET YOU
GUYS.

>> ALL RIGHT, PARTY PEOPLE,
DEEJAY FIG-A-LICIOUS ON THE MIC.

IF YOU ARE THE OWNER OF A 2004 COROLLA,

PLEASE TALK TO ME, I'M
CONSIDERING BUYING ONE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW GIVE IT UP FOR
BECKY AND PETEY!

>> WAIT, YOU PUT IN OUR SONG
ALREADY?

>> YOU KNOW I DID, LITTLE BRO,
GET UP THERE.

>> OH, MY GOD.
I'M SORRY, BABE, DUTY CALLS.

>> HAVE FUN!

>> THIS IS FOR MY BABY BROTHER.
I LOVE YOU, BUDDY.

SIS

¶ AND I'D GIVE UP FOREVER TO
TOUCH YOU

'CAUSE I KNOW THAT E
SOMEHOW ¶

OH, I FEEL IT TOO.

¶ YOU'RE THE CLOSEST TO HEAVEN
I'LL EVER BE

AND I DON'T WANT TO
GO HOME RIGHT NOW ¶

>> NEVER.

>> GO, KIDS!
¶ ALL I CAN SEE IS THIS MOMENT ¶

¶ AND ALL I CAN BREATHE IS YOUR
LIFE ¶

¶ AND SOONER OR LATER IT'S OVER

I JUST DON'T WANT TO MISS YOU
TONIGHT ¶

¶ AND I DON'T WANT THE WORLD TO SEE ME

'CAUSE I DON'T THINK THAT
SHE'D UNDERSTAND ¶

>> ME?

¶ WHEN EVERYTHING'S MADE TO BE BROKEN

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
WHO I AM ¶

¶ I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WHO I
AM ¶

>> I DO.
>> I KNOW YOU DO.

KIDS

>> AND THEY'RE FULL SIBLINGS?

>> OH, YEAH.
VERY FULL.
>> GO, KIDS!

>> ALL RIGHT, GIVE IT UP FOR
BECKY AND PETEY.

AND NEXT UP, OH-OH --

IT'S PETEY AND BECKY.

>> WHAT?
OH, MY GOSH.
DID YOU PUT ONE IN TOO?

>> OF COURSE I DID, SIS, COME
ON.
>> OH, MY GOSH.

WHAT

¶ I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU

LIKE YOU WANT ME TO ¶

¶ AND I'LL HOLD YOU TIGHT

BABY ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT ¶

¶ I'LL MAKE LOVE TO YOU ¶

>> SO PETEY SAYS YOU'RE ON
WEGOVY.

>> WHAT?
SORRY, I'M A LITTLE DISTRACTED.

HE'S KIND OF HUMPING HIS SISTER.

>> WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST
SAY?

>> BABE, WE WERE JUST DANCING.

>> NO, NO.
I GET IT, GIRL.
IT'S OKAY.

PETE AND I HAVE ALWAYS JUST BEEN
BEST FRIENDS.

AND WE JUST LOVE SINGING SONGS
THAT WE GREW UP LISTENING
TOGETHER.

>> YEAH, I MEAN, WE'VE ALWAYS
BEEN SUPER CHOSE.

WE SHARED A BEDROOM TILL SHE
LEFT FOR COLLEGE.

>> OH, THAT'S LATE, NO?

>> YEAH, IT WAS FINE.
WHEN I TURNED 17, WE GOT
SEPARATE BEDS.

>> THE WORST.
>> THE WORST.

>> WHAT?
WHAT?

>> SPEAKING OF CLOSE, IT'S
DADDY-DAUGHTER TIME.
COME ON!

>> OH, MY GOSH, DAD, YOU DIDN'T
PICK THE SONG WE DANCED TO AT MY
WEDDING, DID YOU?

CRY

>> I SURE DID, SWEETHEART.
HIT IT, DEEJAY!

¶ BABY WHEN WE'RE GRINDING

I GET SO EXCITED ¶

¶ HOW I LIKE IT

I CAN'T HIDE IT ¶

¶ OH YA DANCING REAL CLOSE

AND SWAY IS REAL SLOW ¶

>> I MISS GRANDMA.
>> ME TOO.

¶ YOU'RE MAKING IT HARD FOR ME.

>> THIS IS MAKING ME FEEL WEIRD,
I'M JUST GOING TO GO.

>> WHY, WHY?

>> NO, NO, LET HER GO.

SHE JUST MAD THAT YOU TWO ARE SO
CLEARLY SEXUALLY SATISFIED AND
IN LOVE.

>> NO, NO, NO, WE'RE BROTHER AND
SISTER.

>> YOU THE HECK SAY WHAT, NOW?

>> OKAY, WAIT.
WHY DON'T I JUST DO A SONG,

JUST
ME, FOR MY BABY GIRL?

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

GET UP HERE.
HIT IT, DEEJAY.

>> THE SONG THAT YOU TOLD ME WAS
SPECIFICALLY RESERVED FOR YOU TO
SING TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND

AND NOT
YOUR FREAKY DEAKY SISTER?

>> YES, DEEJAY FREAK-A-LICIOUS.

>> ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT IT,
PLAYBOY.

¶ YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME ¶

>> WHAT?
NO, NO!

¶ YOU GOT A FRIEND IN ME ¶

>> YOU FEEL LIKE FAMILY ALREADY,
SIS.

>>> ARE YOU ANXIOUS,
OVERWHELMED?

HAVE YOU STOPPED FEELING LIKE
YOURSELF?

ARE YOU OVERCOME WITH AN INTENSE
FEELING OF FOREBODING AND DREAD?

IF SO, YOU MAY BE ONE OF THE
MANY CELEBRITIES

WHO ARE
SCHEDULED TO DANCE THROUGH THE
JENNIFER HUDSON SPIRIT TUNNEL.

>> I LOVE JENNIFER HUDSON.

BUT AS AN UNCOORDINATED WHITE
WOMAN, I FELT TRAPPED.

I'D TRIED PRACTICING, BUT
EVERYTHING I CAME UP WITH LOOKED
CAREER-ENDING.

POINTING.
SHOULDER SHRUG.

DRUNK AUNT AT A WEDDING.

I EVEN TRIED TO PUT MY ASS INTO
IT.

BUT I DON'T HAVE ONE.

I JUST KEPT IMAGINING MYSELF IN
THAT TUNNEL.

¶ COME ON NIKKI YOU'RE SO FINE
YOU'RE SO FINE

YOU BLOW MY MIND
HEY NIKKI HEY NIKKI ¶

>> IT FELT LIKE THERE WAS NO WAY
OUT.

THAT'S WHEN MY DOCTOR TOLD ME
ABOUT HUDSICILLIN.

HUDSICILLIN IS THE
ONLY MEDICATION PROVED TO KILL
SPIRIT TUNNEL RELATED SYMPTOMS

WORKS

NOT BY MAKING YOUR BODY AWAY

BIT BY MAKING YOU SO VIOLENTLY ILL.

YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO
CANCEL.

IT WORKS FAST, MAYBE TOO FAST.

30 SECONDS AFTER MY FIRST DOSE,
I WAS SHAKING ON THE BATHROOM
FLOOR.

NOT KNOWING WHICH END OF ME TO
AIM AT THE TOILET.

THAT'S BECAUSE HUDSICILLIN IS
MADE FROM A GENTLE BLEND

OF E.
COLI, INFLUENZA, C. DIFF.
AND RANCID BUTTERMILK.

I FINALLY HAVE MY LIFE BACK.

AND NOW MY SPOT IN THE TUNNEL
CAN GO TO SOMEONE WHO REALLY
WANTS IT.

MARCELLO

THANKS, HUDSICILLIN.

HUDSICILLIN.
WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE?

LIGHTENING UP AND BEING FUN?
GOOD LUCK.

RETURN

AS TIME.

>> PAPA!
PAPA!
THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE OKAY!

>> OH, BELLE, WHAT EVERY DOING
HERE?
YOU MUST LEAVE NOW.

>> I CAME TO RESCUE YOU.
>> OH, NO, BELLE, IT'S NOT SAFE.

THE PRINCE WHO OWNS THIS CASTLE
WAS CURSED TO BECOME A TERRIBLE
BEAST.

>> I'LL DO ANYTHING TO SAVE YOU,
FATHER.
I'LL TAKE YOUR PLACE.

>> OH, BELLE, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.

HE'S NOT JUST ANY BEAST.
HE'S -- HE'S --

MR. BEAST!

>> I'M KEEPING HER DAD TRAPPED
IN A DUNGEON FOR 30 DAYS

FOR A
CHANCE TO WIN OVER $300,000.

>> DISNEY'S "BEAUTY AND MR.
BEAST."

>> LET MY FATHER GO!

>> FOR EVERY POUND HE LOSES,
I'LL GIVE A TESLA TO A RANDOM
STRANGER.

>> WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

>> WHY, HAVEN'T YOU HEARD?

HE USED TO BE A HANDSOME PRINCE
UNTIL HE WAS CURSED BY A WITCH.

>> HE WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING,
RANTING AND RAVING

ABOUT SENDING
THE WORLD'S LARGEST MAN TO THE
WORLD'S SMALLEST ISLAND.

>> AND YOU WERE CURSED TOO?
>> OUI, I WAS.

>> AND IF I LIVE FOR ONE YEAR AS
A CLOCK, I GET $2,500.

NOW -- WAIT A MINUTE, I'M JUST
REALIZING THAT'S NOT A LOT OF
MONEY.

>> MADEMOISELLE, DON'T JUDGE OUR
MASTER TOO HARSHLY.

HE IS A MAN OF TASTE.
LOOK AT HIS ART.

LIVE

>> FROM THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS
WHO THOUGHT

NOBODY SEES MOVIES
ANYMORE SO EFF IT, HAIL MARY?

AND THE DIRECTOR OF
KAI-SABLANCA.

>> WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE LAST
PETAL FALLS?

>> A MAN IN ALBANY HAS TO EAT
500 SOFT SHELL CRABS.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I FEEL
LIKE I COULD SPEND EIGHT HOURS
LISTENING TO YOU.

>> WELL, THAT IS BECAUSE,
MADEMOISELLE --

¶ YOU'RE DEPRESSED YOU'RE DEPRESSED

WITH A LAPTOP ON YOUR
CHEST ¶

¶ WATCH YOUR GAME FORGET YOUR STRESS

YOU'RE DEPRESSED ¶

>> I DON'T GET IT, SAYS EVERY
PERSON OVER 25.

AND, I'M BUILDING THE LARGEST
LEGO TOWER IN THE WORLD,

RAVES
MR. BEAST.

>> I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TENDER
HEART UNDER THERE.

I -- I THINK I LOVE YOU, BEAST.

>> REALLY?
EVEN THOUGH MY TOP HALF IS BEAST

AND MY BOTTOM HALF IS COMPLETELY
SMOOTH?

>> WELL -- I GUESS I DIDN'T KNOW
ABOUT THAT.

>> DANCE WITH ME, BELLE.

¶ TALE AS OLD AS TIME ¶

¶ SQUID GAME FOR THE TEENS ¶

¶ LIVE IN A CVS
- FOR A CHANCE TO WIN

A LAMBORGHINI ¶

>> OH, BEAST, I WANT TO MARRY
YOU.

>> OH, REALLY?
A BEAST LIKE ME?

OKAY.
I WILL MARRY YOU, BELLE.

IF YOU CAN LIVE FOR 30 DAYS IN A
SMART CAR

WITH THESE TWO
GREASED-UP SUMO WRESTLERS.

AND YOU'RE A BILLIONAIRE, YOU
SAID?
>> SURE AM.

>> WELL, THEN I GUESS I'LL TRY.

¶ BEAUTY AND MR. BEAST ¶

>> DISNEY'S "BEAUTY AND MR.
BEAST."

>>> IF YOU'RE LIKE ME,
YOU GREW UP TREASURING YOUR
AMERICAN GIRL DOLL.

I HELD ON TO SAMANTHA PARKINGTON
UNTIL I WAS ALMOST 12.

AS WE MATURE AS WOMEN, OUR DOLLS
DON'T MATURE ALONG WITH US.

UNTIL NOW.

INTRODUCING AMERICAN GIRL XL.

THE SAME HIGH-QUALITY, LOVINGLY
CRAFTED DOLLS,

BUT LARGER AND
ALL GROWN UP.

JUST LIKE YOU.

>> MY TERESA DOLL HAS THE MOST
INSPIRING JOB OF ALL, TEACHER.

>> WITH SUZANNE BY MY SIDE,

I KNOW JUSTICE WILL ALWAYS BE
SERVED.

>> AND JESSICA HERE IS A NURSE.
HOW COOL IS THAT?

SHE TAKES SUCH GOOD CARE OF ME.

>> AND JUST LIKE OUR REGULAR DOLLS,

OUR XL DOLLS HAVE
INCREDIBLE ATTENTION TO DETAIL.

>> JUST LOOK AT THE STITCHING ON
MY DOLL'S SUIT.

>> AND ALL THE COOL PATCHES ON
MY ASTRONAUT DOLL.

>> AND MY DOLL'S FEET.
SO LIFELIKE.

>> WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT ARE
THEIR STORIES.

SUZANNE HERE WAS THE FIRST
FEMALE JUDGE IN MISSOURI.

>> I MADE UP MY OWN BACKSTORY
FOR JESSICA.

SHE'S FROM LITHUANIA.

>> NO, SHE'S AMERICAN.
>> WELL, SHE IS NOW.

>> MINE HATES HER DAD, AND SHE
WANTS TO BE A SINGER.

THAT'S WHY HER MOUTH IS ALWAYS
OPEN.

>> THE POINT IS, AMERICAN GIRL XL DOLLS

WILL INSPIRE WOMEN OF
ALL AGES.

AND YOU CAN EVEN DESIGN YOUR OWN
BASED ON HISTORICAL FIGURES.

>> MINE LOOKS LIKE ROSIE THE
RIVETER.

>> MINE LOOKS LIKE AMELIA
EARHART.

>> MINE LOOKS LIKE MY BROTHER'S
WIFE.

>> NO, THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
HISTORICAL FIGURES.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.
ABIGAIL HERE IS FROM COLONIAL
TIMES.

THAT'S WHY HER HANDS CHURN
BUTTER.

>> ARE YOU HERE WITH SOMEBODY?
MAYBE YOUR DAUGHTER OR --

>> CLOSE.
MY DAD.

>> MINE'S AN OLYMPIC SKIER.

>> I REALLY DON'T LIKE THAT.

>> AND THE BEST PART IS --
>> WAIT, WHO ARE YOU?

>> YOU CAN TAKE THE CLOTHING
FROM YOUR REGULAR AMERICAN GIRL DOLL

AND USE IT ON YOUR XL DOLL.

>> PLEASE, NEVER DO THAT.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO HER?

>> BECAUSE IT'S FUN AND WE'RE IN
LOVE.

>> AND THEIR HAIR IS SUPER
STRONG.

>> YOU CAN MIX AND MATCH THEIR
PARTS.
I MADE MINE BIRACIAL.

>> IF YOU FOLD HER IN HALF, SHE
FITS RIGHT INTO THE DISHWASHER.

>> HEY, WANT TO TRADE FOR A
LITTLE WHILE?
>> I'D LOVE THAT.

>> THAT'S IT, WE'RE SHUTTING THE
STORE DOWN.

>> AMERICAN GIRL XL.

THEY MADE AN XL MISTAKE.

>> HONEY, SLOW DOWN, THAT'S YOUR
THIRD MARTINI.

HERE, HAVE SOME OF YOUR HOT DOG.

>>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

LET'S HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME FOR
ALEXIS!

>> OH, MY GOD, THAT WAS SO
CRAZY.

>> WHAT'S CRAZY IS THAT I'M
GETTING MARRIED IN TWO WEEKS.

>> I WISH IT WAS TO ME.

OOPS, I SAID THAT OUT LOUD.

I'LL BE LEAVING NOW.

>> OKAY.
BYE!

YOU GUYS, THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.

WAIT -- WHERE ARE KAYLA AND
DELULAH?

>> OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE ON THE
BULL.

>> HI, GIRLIES!

>> YEE-HAW, YOU GUYS!

>> ONE AT A TIME, PLEASE, AND
YOU'RE MUCH TOO DRUNK.

>> NO, WE'RE NOT.
I ONLY HAD A MARTINI WITH A
TWIST.

AND THE TWIST, I HAD FOUR
MARGARITAS.

>> LET'S GET THIS DONKEY MOVING,
Y'ALL!
>> YEAH!

>> IT IS NOT A DONKEY.

ANDRE, DO NOT START THAT BULL.

ON THE ONE HAND, I KNOW I'M NOT
SUPPOSED TO DO THIS.

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND -- I WOULD
LIKE TO SEE

TWO BUXOM BABES
BEING BUCKED AROUND ON A BRONCO.

I CALL THIS "ANDRE'S DILEMMA."

DILEMMA SOLVED.
I WILL DO IT.

>> ANDRE!
WHAT SETTING DID YOU PUT IT ON?

>> OH MY DEAR GOODNESS ME, I AM
AFRAID IN MY TITILLATED STATE

I
ACCIDENTALLY SET IT TO "BON
VOYAGE."

>> NOOOOOOO!

¶ SO JUST LIKE THAT THEY STARTED
THEIR QUEST

TWO BLOTTO BIMBOS
HEADED WEST ¶

¶ RIDING ACROSS THE USA WITH ALL
THE SIGHTS TO SEE ¶

¶ COPS ON THE HIGHWAY COULDN'T DECIDE

IF THE SITUATION WAS A
DUI ¶

¶ JUST TWO DRUNK BITCHES

ON A RUNAWAY MECHANICAL BULL ¶

>> I'M HUNGRY!
>> OPEN OUR MOUTHS FOR SOME
BUGS.

>> GOOD IDEA.

BEES!

AND A BIRD!

¶ SO THEY SAW THE OLD FAITHFUL

THEN SWALLOWED GRAND CANYON
DIRT ¶

¶ SAW USHER IN VEGAS AND GOT
SOILED PANTIES ¶

OILED

¶ ATE CHEESE IN WISCONSIN WHICH
THEY THOUGHT WAS DELISH

THEN
WENT TO NIAGARA GOT SLAPPED BY A
FISH ¶

¶ WHERE THE BIRD AND BEES AND
A BIG BLOCK OF CHEESE ¶

¶ JUST TWO DUMB BITCHES ¶

¶ ON A RUNAWAY MECHANICAL BULL ¶

>> WE'RE NOT DUMB, WE WENT TO
COLLEGE.

>> I WENT TO UTI.

WAIT -- I HAVE A UTI.

¶ THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY
WERE CROSSING THE OCEAN ¶

¶ AND THE NAVY PICKED UP SOME
SUSPICIOUS MOTION ¶

AND THEIR SOFTWARE IDENTIFIED
THEM AS HOSTILE ¶

>> THIS IS U.S. SOUTHERN
COMMAND, WE'RE CLEAR TO FIRE ON
BOGEYS.

>> HI!

>> ROGER THAT, LAUNCHING
HELLFIRE MISSILES.

¶ WITH THE MILITARY AND THE BIRD
AND THE BEES
AND THE BIG BLOCK
OF CHEESE ¶

¶ JUST TWO WORLD-TRAVELING BITCHES

AND A BULL GOING THE
SPEED OF LIGHT ¶

>> LOOK, TWO MINUTES AGO!

>> OH-OH, THINGS ARE GETTING
WEIRD.

¶ SO I WENT BACK IN TIME TO ITALY

AND MET GALILEO GALILEI ¶

¶ AND TOLD HIM THE EARTH
REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN ¶

>> YOU'RE COMING WITH US, BIG
FELLA.

OKAY

¶ THEY TRAVELED BACK FARTHER
TO LINEAR SPACE

AND COMMUNICATED
WITH ANOTHER RACE ¶

¶ THEN GOT HIT BY ANOTHER FISH
AND A BUCKET OF WATER ¶

>> THAT ISN'T NECESSARY.
>> COOL!

¶ GALILEO GALILEI AND THE
MILITARY

AND THE BIRDS AND THE
BEES AND A BIG BLOCK OF CHEESE ¶

¶ JUST TWO TRAVELING BITCHES

AND A MAN WHO LOST HIS JOB

ANDRE ¶
¶ ANDRE ANDRE ¶

LADIES

12 to 12

¶ I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE

FROM THE HOURS OF 12 TO 12

I AM NOT THE LEAST COMPELLED

BY ANYONE BUT YOURSELF ¶

¶ LOOK AT ME
IT MAKES ME MELT

I KNOW YOU WANNA
SEE ME IN HELL ¶
¶ MY LOVE

I'M DEALING WITH
THE CARDS I'VE DEALT

WHILE YOU'RE DANCING
WITH SOMEBODY ELSE ¶

¶ WAS IT ALWAYS IN YOUR PLAN
TO LEAVE EVENTUALLY ¶

¶ BECAUSE TO ME
THERE'S NO ONE ELSE
THAT COULD MAKE SENSE TO ME ¶

¶ THE LAST AND FINAL
PUZZLE PIECE ¶

¶ IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE
I LOOK FOR YOU ¶

¶ WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR
WOULD YOU LOOK FOR ME TOO ¶

¶ TELL ME
IS OUR STORY THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS
STILL BEAT IN TUNE ¶

¶ I'VE NEVER FELT ANYTHING

LIKE THE LOVE
FROM MY FINAL DAYS ¶

¶ WHY'D YOU WAIT

TO SHOW ME
YOU COULD DO IT THIS WAY ¶

I'LL NEVER LOOK AT YOU
LOOK AT YOU THE SAME ¶

¶ WE MET IN THE PARIS CAFE

I SAID CAN I SIT WITH YOU

COMMA CA SE FAIT
MY MISTAKE OHH ¶

¶ IF I'D KNOWN IT
WOULD HAVE BEEN THIS WAY

I'D NEVER LOOKED AT YOU
LOOKED IN THE FIRST PLACE ¶

¶ WAS IT ALWAYS IN YOUR PLAN
TO LEAVE EVENTUALLY ¶

¶ BECAUSE TO ME
THERE'S NO ONE ELSE
THAT COULD MAKE SENSE TO ME ¶

¶ THE LAST AND FINAL
PUZZLE PIECE ¶

>> I SAID ONE, TWO, THREE, LET'S
GO.

¶ IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE
I LOOK FOR YOU

WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR
WOULD YOU LOOK FOR ME TOO ¶

¶ TELL ME
IS OUR STORY THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS
STILL BEAT IN TUNE ¶

¶ MAYBE I'M DELUSIONAL

AND THE WAY YOU ACT IS USUAL

MAYBE IN ANOTHER WORLD

I WON'T FEEL SO UNLOVABLE ¶

¶ IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE
I LOOK FOR YOU

WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR
WOULD YOU LOOK FOR ME TOO ¶

¶ TELL ME
IS OUR STORY THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS
STILL BEAT IN TUNE ¶

¶ IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE
I LOOK FOR YOU

WOULD YOU AVOID ME OR
WOULD YOU SEE ME THROUGH ¶

¶ TELL ME
IS OUR STORY THROUGH

OR DO OUR HEARTS
STILL BEAT IN TUNE ¶