All language subtitles for e04 - Miles Teller and Brandi Carlile.eng

>>> YOU'RE WATCHING NEW YORK 1,
NEW YORK'S NUMBER FIVE NEWS
STATION.

>> HELLO.

HELLO AND GOOD EVENING FROM NEW
YORK 1.

YAMMER ROLL LOUIS,

AND I AM NOW OFFICIALLY THE LEAST FAMOUS
PERSON TO BE IMPERSONATED ON
SNL.

BUT TRUST ME, IT'S UNCANNY.

WE'RE COMING TO YOU LIVE FOR
THIS THE THIRD, FINAL,

AND
FICTIONAL NEW YORK CITY MAYORAL
DEBATE.

TONIGHT'S EVENT IS SPONSORED BY
GRISTINI'S SUPERMARKET.

SAY, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT WET
SANDWICH?

WHY, GRISTINI'S, OF COURSE.

AND BIKE LANES.

YOU WANT A NEW WAY TO DIE?

STEP INTO A BIKE LANE.

TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO HEAR
FROM TWO VIABLE CANDIDATES

AND
ONE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED NEW YORK
NUT.

FIRST UP, FORMER NEW YORK
GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO.

>> HELLO, VOTERS.
YOU ALL KNOW ME.

I GOT US THROUGH COVID, AND THEN

YADA YADA YADA, HONK HONK,
SQUEEZE SQUEEZE.

ANYWAY, I'M BACK.

I'M A BORN AND BRED NEW YORKER.
I LOVE IT HERE.

I KNOW THIS CITY LIKE THE BACK
OF A WOMAN'S BACK,

MAMMA MIA!

>> NEXT WE HAVE THE DEMOCRATIC
NOMINEE, ZOHRAN MAMDANI.

>> HELLO, EVERYONE.
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.

AND I'M READY TO SPEND THE NEXT
HOUR HEARING MY OPPONENTS
PRONOUNCE MY NAME

IN WAYS YOU
COULDN'T BEGIN TO IMAGINE.

AND I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE OUT
THERE SCARED

OF THE IDEA OF A
YOUNG SOCIAL LIST MUSLIM MAYOR,

SO ALLOW ME TO PUT YOU AT EASE --

BY SMILING AFTER EVERY ANSWER

IN A WAY THAT PHYSICALLY
HURTS MY FACE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

AND NOW LET'S DO A FUN ONE.

THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE, CURTIS
SLIWA.

YES.
MR. SLIWA, YOUR OPENING
STATEMENT?

>> I'M THRILLED TO BE HERE AND
NOT GETTING SHOT IN THE BACK

OF A YELLOW CAB FIVE TIMES
BY THE GOTTIS AND GAMBINOS,

AS I WAS
FAMOUSLY IN 1992, 1993, AND '94.

BUT I'M THE RIGHT CHOICE TO BE
YOUR NEXT MAYOR.

NO OFFENSE TO MR. OPPONENTS, MR. CUOMO,

AND I BELIEVE I'M SAYING
THIS RIGHT, ZOLTAR RAMZOMBIE.

>> THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.

>> ALL RIGHT, CANDIDATES, YOU'RE
ALL RUNNING TO BE MAYOR OF NEW
YORK CITY.

SO MY QUESTION IS, WHY WOULD YOU
WANT THE WORST JOB IN THE
WORLD?

>> AS WE ALL KNOW, AS SOON AS
YOU ELECTED MAYOR,

EVERYONE IN
THE CITY IMMEDIATELY HATES YOU.

AND IN THAT WAY, I AM ALREADY
ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE GAME.

>> MR. MAMDANI, SAME QUESTION.

>> I WANT TO BE MAYOR SO I CAN
DELIVER A BETTER NEW YORK,

FREE
HEALTH CARE, AFFORDABLE HOUSING,
FREE WI-FI.

AS MAYOR, CAN I MAKE THAT
HAPPEN?

I'M NOT SURE YET.

BUT TOGETHER, WE'RE GOING TO
FIND OUT.

THAT THE ANSWER IS NO.

>> I GOT TO SAY SOMETHING.

MY OPPONENT, NORMAN VANDANIEL,

IS INEXPERIENCED AND FRANKLY A NEPO BABY,

WHERE MY DAD WAS JUST
GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK.

>> OF COURSE, AS YOU KNOW, MY
DAD WAS BRUTALLY KIDNAPPED

AND
TIED TO THE TRACKS OF THE
CYCLONE AT CONEY ISLAND.

I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS YOUR
QUESTION?

>> WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE MAYOR?
>> OH, I NEED A JOB.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S MOVE ON TO
MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION TONIGHT.

WHAT'S YOUR GO-TO BAGEL ORDER?
MR. MAMDANI?

>> WHAT I'D LIKE IS FOR THE
PERSON SERVING ME THAT BAGEL

TO
BE PAID A LIVING WAGE.

>> BOO!
RELAX, NERD.

MR. CUOMO, GO-TO BAGEL ORDER?

>> I SWEAR TO GOD I AM NOT
SAYING THIS TO PANDER TO JEWISH
VOTERS.

BUT IT'S A GEFILTE FISH EATEN IN
A BOOTH WITH BARBRA STREISAND

BY THE LIGHT OF A MENORAH.

>> ONCE AGAIN, BOO.

MR. SLIWA, GO-TO BAGEL ORDER.

>> AS YOU KNOW, IN 1982, I HAD
MY PENIS CUT OFF

AND FED TO ME
BY THE YAKUZA.

OBVIOUSLY BLUEBERRY BAGEL, STRAWBERRY
CREAM CHEESE

EATEN OVER A GAR
BACK CAN.

>> THANK YOU, CANDIDATES.

TAKE A MOMENT
LET'S THANK A FEW MORE OF
TONIGHT'S SPONSORS,

PEDICABS.

SLOWER THAN WALKING, LOUDER THAN
HELL.

AND HUDSON YARDS.

SHOP, DINE, OR TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT

AT HUDSON YARDS.

MOVING ON.
MOVING ON TO OUR NEXT TOPIC,

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY TO
UNDECIDED VOTERS?

GOVERNOR CUOMO, LET'S START WITH
YOU.

>> LISTEN, I HAVE ACTUAL
GOVERNING EXPERIENCE.

I HAVE THE RELATIONSHIPS TO GET
THE JOB DONE

AND THE SUPPORT OF
SOME OF THE FINEST PEOPLE IN THE
CITY.

>> LIKE ME, MAYOR ERIC ADAMS.

THIS IS MY GUY RIGHT HERE, MAN.
LISTEN UP.

IF YOU LIKE ME, YOU GONNA LOVE
THIS GUY!

HE LIKE ME PART TWO!

>> WELL, NO, ERIC.
REMEMBER THE PLAN.

>> OH, OH, YEAH I GOT YOU.
I GOT YOU.

I, ERIC ADAMS, ENDORSE HIM,

ZORDAN MAMAGRAMMA.

>> NO, NO, NO THANK YOU.

>> MR. MAMDANI, YOUR MESSAGE TO
UNDECIDED VOTERS?

>> MY MESSAGE IS THIS.

HEY, GIRL.
I KNOW YOU GOT A LITTLE WHITE
GUILT

FOR GENTRIFYING THAT
SPANISH NEIGHBORHOOD, DON'T YOU?

WHY DON'T YOU VOTE FOR ME?

YOU KNOW YOU'LL FEEL A LITTLE
LESS BAD ABOUT THAT CHICKEN AND
RICE SHOP

GETTING TURNED INTO A
SWEETGREENS.

WHY DON'T YOU HIT ME UP AT THE
BALLOT BOX, GIRL?

>> MR. MAMDANI,

YOU WERE WARNED
THAT THIS IS THE FORUM FOR YOUR
TIKTOKRY.

MR. SLIWA, WHY SHOULD NEW
YORKERS VOTE FOR YOU?

>> IT'S SIMPLE.
I'M THE ONLY CANDIDATE HERE

WHO'S BEEN DANGLED WE MY
TESTICLES OVER THE VERAZZANO BRIDGE

BY A LITTLE-KNOWN GANG
CALLED THE LORDS OF FLATBUSH.

I WAS ALSO POURED INTO THE
FOUNDATION OF GIANTS STADIUM AND
CRAWLED MY WAY OUT.

JUST ON MY WAY HERE, I WAS
EJACULATED UPON

DINER
SPIDER

JUST ON YOUR WAY HERE?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S MOVE ON.

FROM CONGESTION PRICING TO
HOMELESSNESS TO I.C.E. RAIDS,

THERE ARE MANY ISSUES FACING OUR
CITY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BIGGEST
PROBLEM YOU HAVE TO CONFRONT AS
MAYOR?

>> IT'S ME!

YES.
THEY CAN PRETEND THIS ELECTION
IS ABOUT HOUSING AND TAXES,

BUT
WE ALL KNOW IT'S ABOUT ME,
RIGHT?

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BE VERY
INVOLVED, VERY HANDS-ON.

THIS GUY KNOWS ABOUT HANDS ON,
RIGHT, CUOMO?

>> HEY-YO, YOU GOT ME.

>> LOOK AT THESE CANDIDATES WE
GOT.
LOOK AT CURTIS SLIWA.

I LOVE HIM, BUT WE'VE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING

ABOUT THAT "EMILY IN
PARIS" LOOKING HAT, RIGHT?

HE'S MY "RUSHMORE" MAX!

AND THE FRONT-RUNNER ZORA
MAMDANI.

MCKENZEY

HE'S TOO YOUNG TO LEAD, FOLKS,
HE'S TOO YOUNG.

HE DOESN'T HAVE THE WOBBLY WALK.

OR FRANKLY THE MIND I HAVE.
GOOD BRAIN.

I TOOK A COGNITIVE TEST.
I DID SO WELL ON MY COGNITIVE TEST

THAT THEY IMMEDIATELY GAVE
ME AN MRI.

THEY SAID THEY'D NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE IT.

BUT IN TERMS OF ELECTION, I'D
LIKE TO GO BACK TO THAT VERY
IMPORTANT QUESTION.

THE BAGEL.
MY GO-TO BAGEL ORDER IS BIG MAC
WITH A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE.

AND I MAY NOT LIVE IN NEW YORK
ANYMORE, AWW!

BUT I'M ALWAYS WATCHING.
LURKING IN THE SHADOWS.

MUCH LIKE THE LATE, GREAT
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

TERRIBLE, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM
IN TERMS OF OPERA

AND WITH
REGARD TO BEING BURNED BY
CHANDELIER.

PERHAPS I'LL ADD "NEW YORK
MAYOR" TO MY LIST OF DUTIES.

COME ON.

¶ OPEN UP YOUR MIND

LET YOUR FANTASIES UNWIND ¶

¶ IN THIS DARKNESS WHICH YOU KNOW

YOU CANNOT FIND ¶

¶ THE DARKNESS OF

THE MUSIC OF THE NIGHT ¶

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!

MUSICAL

HOST

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- MILES
TELLER!

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU VERY MUCH.

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK HOSTING
SNL.

THE LAST TIME --

THANK YOU.

THE LAST TIME I HOSTED WAS IN
2022.

IT MEANS A LOT TO BE HERE FOR
ME, ESPECIALLY ON HALLOWEEN
WEEKEND.

YEAH, BECAUSE WHEN I WAS A KID,
ME AND MY SISTERS

USED TO GO
TRICK-OR-TREATING AS "SNL"
CHARACTERS.

SO I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER
THE NIGHT OF THE ROCKSBURY GUYS.

THEY'RE THE BEST.
WILL FERRELL, CHRIS McCANN.

WHERE ARE THEY?
THERE THEY ARE.

WE WENT AS THEM ONE YEAR,

AND HERE'S A PHOTO OF ME AND MY
SISTERS.

I MEAN, HONESTLY, I'M JUST NOW
REALIZING HOW FAR OFF WE WERE
WITH THAT LOOK.

IT'S LIKE WE JUST LOOK LIKE
LITTLE GREEK MEN.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN SO CONFUSING,

ME AND MY SISTERS GOING UP TO
DOORS JUST LIKE --

BUT GROWING UP, I MOVED AROUND A
LOT.

SO "SNL" HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF
THE MORE CONSISTENT PARTS OF MY
LIFE.

I LIVED IN PENNSYLVANIA,
GEORGIA, DELAWARE, JERSEY, AND
FLORIDA.

ALL BEFORE I WAS 12.

SO HONESTLY, IT GETS A BIT
CONFUSING

WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME
WHERE I'M FROM.

I'M LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, MAN,
TOP GUN 2?

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

BUT THAT'S WHY I LOVE COMING
HERE.

BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF
MEMORIES.

LIKE RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S WHERE I HAD MY FIRST
BEER.

NOT EVER.
JUST LIKE TODAY.

AND OVER THERE.
OH, THAT'S WHERE I ALMOST FELL
GETTING OUT OF MY COSTUME.

AND RIGHT THERE, THAT'S WHERE BOWEN SAID,

"MILES, YOU PROBABLY
FELL BECAUSE YOU HAD SO MANY
BEERS."

I JUST LOVE MEMORIES.

REALLY NICE JUST TO REFLECT.

BUT HONESTLY, GUYS, I'M SO HAPPY
TO BE HERE WITH ALL OF YOU.

A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE
LAST TIME THAT I HOSTED.

A FEW MONTHS AGO, MY WIFE AND I
LOST OUR HOUSE IN THE PALISADES
FIRE.

BUT DON'T WORRY.
SERIOUSLY, DO NOT WORRY.

WE'RE DOING GREAT.
I SEE YOU UP THERE, BABY.

BUT THAT EXPERIENCE HAS MADE ME
INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL

TO HAVE SO
MANY PLACES THAT I CAN CALL
HOME.

BUT BASED ON WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE LAST PLACE THAT I CALLED HOME,

I JUST WANT TO SAY --

THERE'S FIRE EXITS LOCATED
THERE, THERE, THERE.

WE GOT TWO IN THE BACK.

THANK YOU, GUYS.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT
SHOW.

BRANDI

STICK

>>> IT'S "WHAT DID I DO LAST
NIGHT?"

AND HERE'S YOUR HOST.

>> HELLO.
HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

I AM YOUR HOST, GAY FOPAY.

AND WELCOME BACK TO "WHAT DID I
DO LAST NIGHT?"

THE ONLY GAME SHOW WHERE THREE
DEEPLY HUNGOVER CONTESTANTS

HAVE
TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY GOT UP
TO THE NIGHT BEFORE.

AND OF COURSE, TODAY IS OUR
EXTRA-PAINFUL DAY AFTER
HALLOWEEN EDITION.

LET'S MEET OUR PLAYERS.

>> OH, GOD, TURN IT DOWN.

>> FIRST UP WE'VE GOT KENNETH
FROM NEW JERSEY.

HELLO, KENNETH.
OH, MAN, STINKS OVER HERE.

>> YEAH, I CLAWED THE CASTLE
LAST NIGHT.
>> WHAT'S THAT?

>> WHEN YOU DRANK 14 WHITE CLAWS
AND EAT WHITE CASTLE.

>> YOU GOT A DEATH WISH,
BROTHER.

NEXT WE HAVE ELIZABETH FROM NEW
MEXICO.

WHAT WAS YOUR COSTUME?
>> SEXY CAT.

>> I'M SURE IT STARTED THAT WAY.

IF YOU WERE AT THE SHELTER,
YOU'D BE PUT DOWN, GIRL.

AND YOUR NAME IS RONDELL FROM
WHERE?

>> RON FROM DELAWARE.

I WAS SHAKING WHEN I WROTE THAT.
>> YEAH, OKAY.

LOUIS, TELL THEM WHAT THEY'RE
PLAYING FOR.

>> TODAY'S GRAND PRIZE IS

A LARGE PEDIALYTE AND A BACON, EGG
AND CHEESE.

>> MY GOD.
>> I NEED THAT.

>> I NEED THAT NOW.
I NEED THAT.

>> WELL, YOU CAN HAVE IT IF YOU
WIN.

KENNETH, YOU'RE UP FIRST.
WHAT WAS YOUR UBER FAUX PAS?

WAS IT "A," A LITTLE PUKE?

B, MADE YOUR DRIVER GO
THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU AND PAY
FOR YOUR FOOD?

OR "C," ASKED FOR THE AUX THEN
WATCHED PORN?

>> KNOWING MYSELF, I'D SAY I
PUKED IN THE UBER.

>> OH, SO CLOSE.
THAT WAS ACTUALLY A TRICK
QUESTION.

YOU DID PUKE, BUT IT WASN'T IN
AN UBER.

YOU JUST SAW A GUY IN A CAMRY,
AND YOU GOT IN.

>> IN MY DEFENSE, I DO THAT A
LOT.

>> DOESN'T MATTER.
YOUR PENALTY IS --

LISTENING TO
MY NEPHEW, ANDRE, LEARN THE SAX.

>> NO.

>> STOP!
>> NO, NO!

>> ALL RIGHT.
NEXT UP, ELIZABETH.

YOUR QUESTION IS, WHO DID YOU
BITE, AND WHERE DID YOU BITE
THEM?

>> I BIT SOMEONE?
>> YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID.

AND YOUR CHOICES ARE, "A," YOUR
FRIEND JENNA IN THE NECK.

B, YOURSELF ON THE TONGUE.

OR "C," THE BOUNCER ON THE
NIPPLE.

>> OH, OH -- MY TONGUE HURTS
TODAY, SO I'M THINKING "B,"
MYSELF.

>> NO.
THE ANSWER WAS, ALL OF THE
ABOVE.

AND YOUR PERSONALITY IS,
CATCHING UP WITH AN ACQUAINTANCE
FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

>> HEY, I'M SURE YOU HEARD, BUT
THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN GOING GREAT
FOR ME.

THANKS FOR AGREEING TO HELP ME
MOVE.

>> NOOOOO!

>> ALL RIGHT, NOW RON, YOUR
QUESTION INCLUDES A VIDEO CLUE.

THIS IS SECURITY FOOTAGE OF YOU
AT THE ATM LAST NIGHT.

>> OH GOD.

>> LOUIS, LET'S ROLL THE TAPE.

>> THE MONEY MACHINE, THE MONEY
MACHINE.

CAN'T YOU GET MONEY FOR FREE?

DRY HEAVING

BATHROOM

OH, LOOK AT HIM GO!

>> HELLO!
I NEED $400.

>> OH A LITTLE CAMEO FROM
ELIZABETH AS SHE BIT YOU.

SORRY, A LOT OF TROUBLE THERE.

>> WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION, MAN?

>> NO QUESTION.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE YOU WATCH
THAT CLIP.

BUT YOUR PRIZE FOR WATCHING IT
IS A CHAIR.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SEAT, RON?

>> OH, THANK GOD.
OH, MY GOD, THAT'S HUGE.

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.
OH, THAT'S SO HUGE.

>> ALL RIGHT, KENNETH, FOR AN
OPPORTUNITY TO STEAL THE CHAIR --

WHICH OF THESE
INDIVIDUALS GAVE YOU THAT BLACK
EYE?

WAS IT "A," THIS OLDER WOMAN?

B, THIS LITTLE BOY?

OR "C," A STOP SIGN?

>> UH -- I MEAN, NONE OF THEM
ARE GOOD.

BUT -- I GUESS I'LL SAY THE
LADY.

>> NO.
THE LITTLE BOY.

YOU STOLE HIS COSTUME.

>> I WAS WONDERING WHY I WAS
DRESSED AS A CORN.
OKAY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

LAST UP IS ELIZABETH FOR A
CHANCE AT THE GRAND PRIZE.

THE BACON, EGG AND CHEESE

AND THE PEDIALYTE.

>> WHO DID YOU MAKE OUT WITH
LAST NIGHT?

SAME OPTIONS AS BEFORE.

OLD LADY, LITTLE BOY, STOP SIGN.

>> I WOKE UP WITH A CHIPPED
TOOTH.
GOT TO BE THE STOP SIGN.

>> THAT IS RIGHT, YOU TRASH CAT,
GET OVER HERE.

OH, WELL, THAT'S OUR TIME FOR
TODAY.

I AM GAY FOPAY.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.

>>> THIS WEEK ON A VERY SPECIAL
EPISODE OF "PROPERTY BROTHERS."

>> I'M DREW SCOTT, AND I'M A
REAL ESTATE EXPERT.

>> I'M HIS TWIN BROTHER
JONATHAN, AND I'M A CONTRACTOR.

THAT MEANS I FIND THE PERFECT
PROPERTY --

>> AND I ACTUALLY HAVE TO
RENOVATE THE DARN THING.

>> THIS WEEK, WE'RE TAKING ON
OUR BIGGEST CHALLENGE YET --

>> BUILDING THE NEW WHITE HOUSE
BALLROOM.

- HI. THE PROPERTY BROTHERS.
- NICE.

SO WHICH ONE OF YOU MARRIED THE
NEW GIRL, AND WHICH ONE OF YOU'S
THE GAY?

>> I MARRIED THE NEW GIRL.

>> DONALD AND MELANIA MOVED INTO
THIS HOUSE NINE YEARS AGO.

THEY WERE EVICTED FOR FOUR
YEARS, BUT THEY MOVED BACK IN.

DONALD HAS A STRONG EYE FOR
INTERIOR DESIGN.

>> I PUT THESE GOLD URNS
EVERYWHERE.

LIKE A HUNDRED IN EVERY ROOM.

THAT MAKES ME HAPPY.
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO BE HAPPY
THESE DAYS.

REALLY DARK STUFF HAPPENING IN
THE WORLD.
SOME OF IT ME.

AND HERE'S A CROWN I JUST GOT
FROM MY TRIP TO ASIA.

NOTHING SAYS DEMOCRACY LIKE A
CROWN, RIGHT?

>> AND HIS WIFE, MELANIA, SHE'S
GOT A STYLE ALL HER OWN.

>> I LOVE THIS HALLOWEEN
DECORATIONS YOU PUT UP.

>> THAT'S FOR CHRISTMAS.

>> THE TRUMPS HAVE ALREADY MADE
A FEW SUBTLE CHANGES TO THE
HOUSE.

FDR

AND PUT A PAINTING OF
HIMSELF AS A SOLDIER FROM
HALO.

LEARNED

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T SAY MASTER
CHIEF ANYMORE.
RIGHT?

YOU'VE GOT TO SAY PRIMARY CHIEF.

>> THEY ALSO PAVED THE ROSE
GARDEN AND TURNED IT INTO WHAT LOOKS LIKE

OUTER SEATING AT AN
OLIVE GARDEN.

DONALD AND MELANIA STILL FEEL
LIKE SOMETHING'S MISSING.

>> THE HOUSE IS ONLY 55,000
SQUARE FEET.

AND 132 ROOMS.

>> WE NEED MORE SPACE!

RIGHT?
WE NEED MORE SPACE!

>> WE NEED A BALLROOM BECAUSE
DONALD, HE LOVES TO DANCE.

>> I'M A TERRIFIC DANCER.
TERRIFIC DANCER.

JUST ASK YOUR EYES.

>> WE ASKED DONALD WHAT HIS
BUDGET WAS,

AND HE SAID BETWEEN
$350 MILLION AND INFINITY.

THEN WE ASKED IF HE NEEDED A PERMIT,

AND DONALD LAUGHED
REALLY HARD.

HE SAID, I COULD BUILD THIS
BALLROOM WITH THE BONES OF MY ENEMIES,
AND NO ONE COULD STOP ME,

AS OPPOSED TO A BONEHEAD
LIKE MY BROTHER.

>> OH, YOU HUSH UP.

>> WE SHOWED DONALD OUR PLAN FOR
A BALLROOM THAT WOULD MATCH THE
CURRENT PROPORTIONS,

BUT HE KEPT
CLICKING "ENLARGE."

FENCE
STREET

>> THEY CAN DRIVE AROUND IT.

OH, I WANT A RING FOR MMA
FIGHTS.

OFFICIAL ONES BUT ALSO CASUAL
FIGHTS IN THE BACKYARD, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

TWO MENTALLY ILL GUYS JUST
WHALING ON EACH OTHER.

DO BUM FIGHTS AGAIN.

REMEMBER BUM FIGHTS?
WE LOVE BUM FIGHTS!

>> TO NAIL DOWN THE STYLE OF THE
BALLROOM, WE ASKED DONALD TO
COME UP WITH A BOARD.

>> THIS KIND OF GUY AND THIS GUY --

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE
MET HIM, BUT HE'S A GREAT GUY.

THEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS COULD
ALSO BE NICE.

>> I TOLD DONALD OUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY

WAS TO PRESERVE THE
HISTORIC NATURE OF THE BUILDING.

HE SENT ME BACK THIS GIF.

WE DEMOLISHED THE ENTIRE EAST
WING IN TWO DAYS.

WITH THE GOVERNMENT STILL SHUT
DOWN AND SO MANY WORKERS FURLOUGHED,

WE WERE ABLE TO
FORCE PARK RANGERS AND
ASTRONAUTS TO DO A LOT OF THE
CHEM DEMOLITION.

>> WERE YOU SAD TO LOSE THE
HISTORIC PRESIDENTIAL MOVIE
THEATER?

BILL CLINTON CALLED IT THE BEST
PERK OF BEING PRESIDENT.

>> BILL CLINTON SAID THAT?

HE SAID THE BEST PERK FOR HIM
WAS THE MOVIE THEATER?

>> UNFORTUNATELY THE RENOVATION
HIT A BIT OF A SNAG

WHEN DONALD
REALIZED HE HAD DEPORTED ALL THE
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

I PULLED
INTO THE HOME DEPOT PARKING LOT
AND YELLED,

"JUST GIVE ME THE
WHITES."

I WANT THE DAY LABORERS FROM
NORWAY AND SWEDEN,

BUT
APPARENTLY THEY DON'T EXIST.

>> BUT IN THE END, WE'RE
CONFIDENT THE NEW BALLROOM

WILL BE A SHINING BEACON OF FREEDOM
FOR ALL AMERICANS.

>> AND IT WILL BE READY JUST IN
TIME FOR MY THIRD TERM.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.
WE WANT THIS TO BE OUR FOREVER
HOME.

>> YES, BECAUSE WE'RE NOT
LEAVING.

WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING
SOMETHING CALLED COUP.

>> AND WE'LL MAKE SURE THAT
TRUMP'S DREAM BECOMES A REALITY.

IF MY DUMB BROTHER DOESN'T SCREW
IT UP.

>> SERIOUSLY?
[ BLEEP ] YOU.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> OKAY, I GUESS THE ONLY THING
LEFT IS THE PAYMENT FOR THE
CONSTRUCTION.

>> AREN'T YOU GUYS FROM CANADA?
>> YEAH.

>> I.C.E.!

THERE GOES I.C.E.
WE LIKE THEM.
BIG AT I.C.E.

>> SPOOKY.
>> VERY SPOOKY.

IT'S A VERY SPOOKY SECRET
POLICE THING.

>> "PROPERTY BROTHERS."
ONLY ON HGTV AND TRUTH SOCIAL.

>>> GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING IN TO DO THESE PROMOS

FOR THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE'S
COMMUNITY OUTREACH DAY.

>> WE'RE SO GLAD TO HAVE PLAYERS
FROM THE NEW YORK RANGERS,

THE
L.A. KINGS, AND THE NASHVILLE
PREDATORS.

>> MY NAME IS DIDIER LEREW.

>> I JUST GO BY MIDGE.

>> YOU MAY KNOW US FROM SUCH
WORKS AS THE SECOND IT LAYING OF
THE J.G. WENTWORTH COMMERCIAL

WHERE THEY SANG ON A BUS.

>> ALL RIGHT.
JUST READ THE LINES, AND WE
SHOULD BE OUT OF HERE IN NO
TIME.

>> ALL RIGHT, AND ACTION!

>> THE NHL IS PROUD OF THE
CHARITY WORK WE DO IN OUR
COMMUNITIES.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I MAY BE A KING ON THE ICE,

BUT
I'M ALSO A KING IN THE
COMMUNITY.

>> AND I'M A RANGER IN MY
COMMUNITY.

>> AND I'M A PREDATOR IN MY
COMMUNITY.

WHEN YOU SEE THIS FACE, JUST
KNOW A PREDATOR IS IN THE
COMMUNITY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
CAN WE CUT?

>> CUT!
WHAT'S THE ISSUE, MAN?

>> I MEAN, DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT
I'M A PREDATOR IN IN MY
COMMUNITY?

>> WHY NOT?
YOU PLAY FOR THE NASHVILLE
PREDATORS.

>> YEAH, BUT YOU HEAR HOW IT
SOUNDS, RIGHT?

>> OKAY, SO IT'S GOING TO BE ONE
OF THOSE SHOOTS.

DIVA ALERT!

>> MAN.
I SENSE IT TOO.

LET'S MOVE ON, WE'RE LOSING
LIGHT.

>> WE'RE INDOORS.

>> I'M SORRY.
DID YOU GET AN AVAIL CHECK FOR A
JUSTIN LONG CHOBANI COMMERCIAL?

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THAT
MEANS.

>> YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK SO.

DO YOUR JOB AND I'LL DO MY
OPINION, BUD.

LET'S MOVE ON.
TO THE NEXT COPY, AND ACTION!

>> AS A NEW YORK RANGER, I'M
SERVING MY COMMUNITY BY WORKING
IN SOUP KITCHENS.

>> AS AN L.A. KING, I VOLUNTEER
WITH THE ELDERLY.

>> AS A NASHVILLE PREDATOR, I
WORK IN HOSPITALS TO MAKE SICK
KIDS FEEL TOUCHED.

HEY, HEY, COME ON, GUYS.

>> WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL OF
THIS UNPROFESSIONALISM?

>> I MAKE SICK KIDS FEEL
TOUCHED?
I DON'T WANT TO SAY THAT.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME, PAL?
DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING
TO?

I'M THE GUY WHO PITCHED ASIAN
MAN PLAYS CELLO

IN THE KENDALL
JENNER BLACK LIVES MATTER PEPSI
COMMERCIAL.

WE'RE MOVING ON, ACTION.

>> THE NHL IS PROUD OF THE
HUMANITARIAN WORK WE DO AROUND
THE WORLD.

NEW YORK RANGERS ARE SPONSORING
LITERACY WORK IN INDIA.

>> THE L.A. KINGS ARE HELPING TO
DIG FRESHWATER WELLS IN
SUBSAHARAN AFRICA.

>> AS A PREDATOR FROM NASHVILLE,
I'M VISITING THAILAND --

NO,
STOP.

>> OH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

>> I MEAN, VISITING THAILAND?
THAT DOESN'T EVEN MENTION
CHARITY WORK.

>> YOU DIDN'T DO THE WHOLE
THING.
HERE, READ THIS.

>> OKAY.
FINE.

I'M VISITING THAILAND TO
HOPEFULLY RUB OFF ON SOME KIDS

SO MAYBE ONE DAY THEY BECOME
PREDATORS JUST LIKE ME.

I'M NOT -- I CAN'T SAY THESE
LINES.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT'S OKAY.
LET'S GET THE WRITERS IN HERE.

>> SEE IF THEY HAVE ANY OTHER
IDEAS.
>> GOOD.

>> HEY, WRITERS HERE!
WE DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER IDEAS,
DO THE LINES.

>> FOR THIS NEXT ONE, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.
YOU CAN KEEP THAT PRETTY LITTLE
MOUTH SHUT.

AND THAT'S ON MIDGE.
>> OKAY, FINE.
THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET LIGHTS UP.
START ROLLING.
AND ACTION!

>> WHEN MY CLASSROOM NEEDED
SUPPLIES, THE KINGS STEPPED UP.

>> WHEN MY FATHER GOT SICK, THE
RANGERS HELPED COVER HIS MEDICAL
BILLS.

>> THIS IS THE PREDATOR THAT
FOREVER ALTERED THE COURSE OF MY
LIFE.

>> NO!
NO!

YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK.

WHY DON'T YOU ALL SAY YOUR NAME,
YOUR POSITION, AND YOUR TEAM.
LET'S GO.

>> CAN YOU HANDLE THAT, WIDDLE
HOCKEY PLAYER?

>> LET'S ROLL IT.

>> RONNIE ADRIAN, DEFENSEMAN,
KINGS.

>> CHRISTIAN FLASHMAN, GOALIE,
RANGERS.

>> I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ONE.

>> OH, COME ON.
IT'S JUST YOUR NAME.
>> FINE.

I'M CHASE KIDD, RIGHT WING
PREDATOR.

OKAY, NO, I DID HEAR IT THAT
TIME.

>> AND THAT'S ON MIDGE.

>>> OFFICER, SHE'S GONE.

I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE, SHE'S
GONE.

>> SIR, CALM DOWN, WHAT HAPPENED
THIS.

>> MY WIFE IS MISSING, MAN,
SOMEBODY MUST HAVE TAKEN HER!

>> COMING SOON TO NETFLIX,

THE TRUE STORY OF THREE MEN WHOSE
WIVES MYSTERIOUSLY VANISHED.

>> SHE WAS THERE.
AND THEN --

POOF.
SHE'D DISAPPEARED.

>> WE'VE RECEIVED A CALL ABOUT A
MISSING WOMAN ON JORDAN ROAD.

DISPATCHING ALL UNITS.

>> IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

I'M SORRY, I CAN'T DO THIS.

>> MEGAN!
MEGAN!

>> WITH NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN
INTERVIEWS WITH THE WOMEN
THEMSELVES.

>> SO TELL US WHAT HAPPENED.

>> I WAS ON A BUSINESS TRIP.
I HAD TOLD DOUG ABOUT IT MAYBE
45 TIMES.

>> I WENT TO MY SISTER'S FOR THE WEEKEND,

AS WE HAD DISCUSSED FOR
MONTHS.

>> I WAS LITERALLY IN THE
BATHROOM.

DUMPING IF YOU WANT TO KNOW.

>> "GONE WITHOUT A TRACE."

>> WHOEVER TOOK HER LEFT A BUNCH
OF CRYPTIC NOTES.

>> HEAT AT 450 FOR 20 MINUTES.

PLEASE PUT LAUNDRY IN THE DRYER.

IS THIS A GAME TO YOU?

>> THE WHOLE WORLD WAS AGAINST
ME.

WHAT

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EAT,
MAN?

>> SHE WAS GONE FOR WHAT FELT
LIKE A LIFETIME.

>> I DID TAKE A SHOWER AFTER.

HAD TO.

>> NO SIGNS.
NO CLUES.

NOTHING.

TRIP

>> IT WAS FUN AT FIRST.

THAT'S WHEN THINGS GOT REALLY
BAD.

BEEN THERE

>> THE POLICE ASKED ME FOR A
PHOTO OF HER, BUT MY PHONE WAS DEAD

SO I HAD TO DRAW HER.

SHE'S JUST AS BEAUTIFUL IN REAL
LIFE.

>> FEEL LIKE I HAVE A LITTLE
MORE OF A CHIN.

>> OKAY, WHAT IS YOUR WIFE'S
FULL NAME?
>> MEGAN.

>> WHEN'S HER BIRTHDAY?
>> SUMMER.

>> DID YOU CONTACT HER PARENTS?
>> YES, I CALLED THEM AND SAID,
YOUR DAUGHTER IS DEAD.

HIGH ALERT

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS
DOING.

SOMEBODY TOOK MY WIFE!

I HAVE A GUN, AND I'M NOT -- OH!

>> AND NOT LONG AFTER SHE LEFT,
THESE TWO SMALL MEN CAME OUT THE
BASEMENT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

>> OUR SONS.
I THINK YOU FORGOT WE HAVE KIDS.

>> NO, NO!

>> AFTER ABOUT 24 HOURS,

I DID DECIDE IT WAS TIME TO MOVE ON
ROMANTICALLY.

SO I DOWNLOADED TINDER.

PREPARED

THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD HAVE
KNOWN.

>> I'M TELLING YOU NOW, I'M
GOING TO SEE MY SISTER IN
POUGHKEEPSIE.

>> OKAY, BABY, HAVE FUN.

>> I'LL BE BACK SUNDAY.
SUNDAY NIGHT.

>> OKAY.

>> WHERE AM I GOING?
>> POUGHKEEPSIE.

>> SIR, IS THERE ANY PLACE YOU
THINK SHE COULD BE?

>> I KNOW THIS IS PROBABLY
WRONG, BUT --

MAYBE THE BOOB
STORE?

>> "GONE WITH SEVERAL TRACES."

>> SOMETIMES THE SCARIEST THING
IS WHEN --

STEP BACK, NO!

>>> GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO
NEWSPOINT.

I'M DAPHNE DODD.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS ECONOMIST
P.L. HENRY.
>> EVENING.

>> IF IT LOOKS A LITTLE
DIFFERENT IN HERE,

THAT'S
BECAUSE IT'S OUR FIRST SHOW IN
OUR BRAND-NEW SET

THAT GIVES YOU
A PEEK INSIDE OUR NEWSROOM

AND
THE HARD-WORKING FOLKS WHO PUT
ALL THIS TOGETHER.

WELL, LOTS TO DISCUSS TONIGHT.

WE START WITH THE ECONOMY, WHICH
WE'RE PUTTING "IN FOCUS."

THIS WEEK, AMAZON ANNOUNCED
THOUSANDS OF LAYOFFS

WITH TARGET
ALSO JOINING THE LIST OF MAJOR
COMPANIES SLASHING ITS
WORKFORCE.

WHILE COMPANIES LOOK TO PROTECT
THEIR BOTTOM LINES,

AMERICAN
HOUSEHOLDS ARE DOING THE SAME.

>> ARE YOU OKAY?

>> YEAH, I'M FINE, I'M SORRY.

>> OKAY.

RISING PRICES FOR GROCERIES AND
UTILITIES --

I'M SORRY.
I'M FINE.
I APOLOGIZE.

>> APOLOGIES FOR THAT.

THE BIG QUESTION HERE, IS THIS
THE START OF A LONGER, STEEPER
DECLINE?

>> WELL, DAPHNE, THAT'S UP TO
HOW MUCH OF THIS OVERHEATED A.I.
SECTOR IS EVEN REAL.

IF IT'S A BUBBLE, IT'S GOING TO
BURST SOONER OR LATER.

>> LET'S HOPE IT DOESN'T BURST,
WE JUST SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON
THIS NEW STUDIO.

>> HEY, WHOEVER REPORTED ME TO
HR, SAY IT TO MY FACE NEXT TIME!

>> SORRY.
STILL ADJUSTING TO THE NEW
LAYOUT.

>> ACTUALLY, I THINK IT'S QUITE
AN UPGRADE.

SUCH A FUN LITTLE TREAT FOR THE
VIEWERS TO GET A LITTLE PEEK
BEHIND THE CURTAIN.

>> PROFESSOR, NOW, WHAT DO YOU
MAKE OF THIS?

BECAUSE ON PAPER, INFLATION
RATES ARE PRETTY LOW.

>> WELL, ON THE SCREEN,

INFLATION RATES SEEM PRETTY
HUGE.

>> ALL RIGHT, SOMEONE HACKED MY
COMMUNITY,

PUT MANGA ROCK ON IT
AGAIN.

>> YEAH, SURE, BUDDY.

BUT LOOK, PRICES ARE RISING, BUT
SO ARE THE MARKETS.
WE'RE STILL SOLID.

>> EVERYDAY AMERICANS ARE
CERTAINLY STRUGGLING.

RESULTS FROM A NEW SURVEY SHOWED
52% OF AMERICANS

ARE LIVING
PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK.

>> OH, SAO PAULO MARKETS,

I DO IT ALL, BABY, PACKING IT --

>> SORRY.
HECTIC NEWS DAY.

AND THIS IS CONCERNING.

1 IN 3 AMERICANS DESCRIBE THEIR
FINANCIAL SITUATION AS IN
CRISIS.

IS THIS JUST THE BEGINNING,
PROFESSOR?

>> WELL, I THINK WE'LL SEE --

I THINK WE'LL SEE MORE LAYOFFS AND
PRICE HIKES,

BUT THE CEILING IS
RAISING THE PRICE --

HEY, EXCUSE
ME, DFNY.
JUST TAKE THE PAPER OUT THE
TRAY!

>> PROFESSOR, YOU WERE SAYING?
>> SORRY.

NOW, THE TARIFFS HAVEN'T HELPED
THINGS.

>> ESPECIALLY WITH THE SUPPLY
CHAIN THAT'S STILL RECOVERING
FROM THE COVID ERA.

>> OH, YIKES.

A LITTLE PRINTER ISSUE.
IS EVERYONE OKAY?

>> NO, I JUST GOT ELECTROCUTED,
BITCH!

OKAY, WE'RE GOOD.

>> ALL RIGHTY.
PLEASE CONTINUE, PROFESSOR.

>> I'LL GO GET HELP.

>> ACTUALLY, ONE SECOND, I THINK
THIS DUDE IS GOING TO FALL
AGAIN.

YEP, THERE IT IS.

>> WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE AT THE
BREAK.

MORE WITH PROFESSOR HENRY AFTER
THIS.

>> YEAH, YOU GUYS NEED TO PUT UP
A WALL STAT.

BRANDI CARLILE.

Church & State

¶ WHILE THE EMPIRE
WAS FAILING

I WAS SO FAR FROM HOME ¶

¶ I HEARD
A THOUSAND SIRENS WAILING

BUT I WAS NEVER ON MY OWN ¶

¶ WHEN THE BLACKNESS
SLOWLY PARTED

I SAW THE IVORY TOWERS ¶

¶ BEFORE THE REVOLUTION
STARTED

BETWEEN THE MADNESS
OF THE HOURS ¶

¶ AND THEY DON'T SEE

WHAT WE SEE

BUT WE BELIEVE

WE BELIEVE ¶

¶ THAT THEY'RE
NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER

BURN TOMORROW
NEVER SAY ¶

¶ THEY'RE HERE TODAY
THEN THEY'RE GONE FOREVER

NEVER SAY NEVER SAY
NEVER SAY ¶

¶ WE'LL FIND A WAY
WE'LL FIND A WAY
WE'LL FIND A WAY

IMAGINE IF WE COULD ¶

¶ AND IN THE DAYS
THAT QUICKLY FOLLOWED

THEY BEGAN
TO TURN TO STONE ¶

¶ THEY COULDN'T STAND
OR SPEAK OR SWALLOW

THEY COULDN'T
GET OUT OF BED ALONE ¶

¶ WHEN THE FRAILTY
OVERCOMES THEM

AND THEY BEGIN TO CRAWL ¶

¶ REACHING OUT
THEIR BLOODY HANDS

GUESS WHO GETS
TO MAKE THE CALL ¶

¶ WELL THEY DON'T SEE

WHAT WE SEE

BUT WE BELIEVE

WE BELIEVE ¶

¶ THAT THEY'RE
NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER

BURN TOMORROW
NEVER SAY ¶

¶ THEY'RE HERE TODAY
THEN THEY'RE GONE FOREVER

NEVER SAY NEVER SAY
NEVER SAY ¶

¶ WE'LL FIND A WAY
WE'LL FIND A WAY
WE'LL FIND A WAY

IMAGINE IF WE COULD ¶

I CONTEMPLATE
WITH SOVEREIGN REVERENCE

THAT ACT OF THE WHOLE
AMERICAN PEOPLE WHICH DECLARED

THEIR LEGISLATURES SHOULD MAKE NO LAW

RESPECTING THE
ESTABLISHMENT OF RELIGION

OR
PROHIBITING FREE EXERCISE THEREOF,

THUS BUILDING A WALL OF SEPARATION

BETWEEN CHURCH AND
STATE.

¶ NO THEY'RE
NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER

BURN TOMORROW
NEVER SAY ¶

¶ THEY'RE HERE TODAY
THEN THEY'RE GONE FOREVER

NEVER SAY NEVER SAY
NEVER SAY ¶

¶ WE'LL FIND A WAY
WE'LL FIND A WAY
WE'LL FIND A WAY

IMAGINE IF WE COULD ¶

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE,"
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.

>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP AND THE
FIRST LADY HOSTED A
TRICK-OR-TREAT EVENT

AT WHAT'S
LEFT OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

AND THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE
THINGS THAT THE PRESIDENT DOES

BECAUSE IT'S SO CLEAR HE NEVER
TRICK-OR-TREATED ONCE IN HIS
LIFE.

IN HIS FIRST TERM, HERE'S HOW HE
GAVE CANDY TO A KID DRESSED AS A
MINION.

MELANIA'S JUST LIKE, I GUESS
THAT IS HOW IT'S DONE.

THEN AGAIN THIS YEAR, HE DID IT
TO A KID DRESSED AS DJ
MARSHMALLOW.

JUST PUT IT IN THE BAG.

WHY IS HE SO WEIRD?
EVEN THE KID IS LIKE, THIS IS
NOT RIGHT.

IT'S KIND OF AN EMBODIMENT OF
HIS ENTIRE PRESIDENCY,

BECAUSE
IT'S JUST A VIOLATION OF NORMS

THAT NO OTHER PRESIDENT OR
PERSON HAS EVER CONCEIVED OF.

LIKE, WHO'S EVER THOUGHT, I
SHOULD PUT THE CANDY ON THE
KID'S HEAD.

MY FAVORE PART, THOUGH, IS
WHEN TRUMP AND MELANIA

MADE A
GRAND ENTRANCE TO THIS SONG.

>> MICHAEL JACKSON'S "THRILLER."

JUST THE PERFECT SOUNDTRACK TO
LURE KIDS TO A FAMOUS MANSION.

>>> DUE TO THE GOVERNMENT
SHUTDOWN, S.N.A.P. BENEFITS RAN
OUT OF FUNDS TODAY.

BUT THE GOVERNMENT STILL
PROVIDES FREE FOOD TO FAMILIES
THROUGH THE SECOND AMENDMENT.

JAPAN'S NEW PRIME MINISTER SANAE
TAKAICHI SAID DURING A PRESS CONFERENCE

SHE'S NOMINATING
PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR THE NOBEL
PEACE PRIZE.

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I GET TO SAY THIS, BUT

THANK GOD NOBODY
LISTENS TO WOMEN.

>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP MET WITH
CHINESE PRESIDENT XI JINPING.

WHEN ASKED HOW THE MEETING WENT,
TRUMP SAID THIS.

>> BUT OVERALL, I GUESS ON THE
SCALE FROM 0 TO 10 WITH 10 BEING
THE PEST?

I WOULD SAY THE MEETING WAS A
12.

>> I GUESS TRUMP JUST WANTED TO
SHOW CHINA WE'RE STILL WAY WORSE
AT MATH.

TRUMP ALSO VISITED SOUTH KOREA
AND WAS GIVEN A GOLD CROWN

AND SERVED BEEF PATTIES WITH KETCHUP
FOR DINNER.

SO THEY BASICALLY GOT THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES A
HAPPY MEAL WITH A TOY.

>>> CRITICS OF PRESIDENT TRUMP
ARE CALLING HIM TONE DEAF

FOR
POSTING PICTURES OF HIS NEWLY
RENOVATED WHITE HOUSE BATHROOM

DURING THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.

BUT I'M HAPPY THAT THE FLOOR
LOOKS SLIPPERY.

>>> THE STATE OF TEXAS IS SUING
TYLENOL, CLAIMING THAT IT IS
LINKED TO AUTISM.

OR AS IT'S CALLED IN TEXAS, BOY
AIN'T RIGHT.

>>> KURTIS SLIWA,
REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR OF NEW YORK

AND THE WORLD'S ONLY
WHITE PANTHER --

HAS BEEN ENDORSED BY RUDY
GIULIANI.

GIULIANI ONLY LIKES HIM BECAUSE
HIS POLL NUMBERS

ARE BETWEEN 9
AND 11.

9/11!

DID I DO IT RIGHT?
DID I DO IT RIGHT?

>>> THIS WEEKEND IS THE NEW YORK
CITY MARATHON,

WHICH WILL BRING
TO THETY MORE THAN 50,000
RUNNERS FROM OVER 100 COUNTRIES.

HERE TO COMMENT IS THE WORLD'S
NUMBER ONE MARATHONER --

OH -- GEORGE SANTOS.

YES, COLIN.

CAN YOU BELIEVE I JUST FINISHED
THE MARATHON?

>> THE MARATHON IS TOMORROW.

>> YEAH, WELL IT'S A RECORD, I
ALREADY WON!

>> YOU KNOW -- YOU DIDN'T WIN
THE MARATHON.

I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DOING A MEDIA
COMEBACK TOUR

SINCE TRUMP
COMMUTED YOUR PRISON SENTENCE.

>> WELL, YEAH, PRISON WAS CRAZY.

I WAS IN A ROOM BY MYSELF
TALKING TO PEOPLE THROUGH A WALL,

GOING ON EIGHT DATES A
DAY, TRYING TO FIND THE LOVE OF
MY LIFE.

>> YOU WERE NOT ON "LOVE IS
BLIND," GEORGE, YOU WERE IN
JAIL.

>> FINE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT,
PRISON CHANGED ME, COLIN.

I LOST A TON OF WEIGHT.

>> REALLY, HOW MUCH DID YOU
LOSE?
>> I GAINED 50 POUNDS.

VERY "SUMMER I TURNED PRETTY."
NOW I ONLY TELL THE TRUTH.

>> SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE STILL A
LIAR, GEORGE.

>> YOU ARE.
>> I AM NOT.

>> THEN HOW COME YOUR PANTS ARE
ON FIRE?

>> STOP TOUCHING ME UNDERNEATH
THE DESK, GEORGE.

>> YOU WISH, COLIN.
I WAS JUST ROBBING YOU.
>> HEY!

>> WHOA.
PHOTOS OF EVERY FEMALE CAST
MEMBER?

GIVE ME BACK MY ANGELS.

WELL, ANYWAY, COLIN, I'M GOING
ON ALL THESE SHOWS

TO TELL THE
TRUTH ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE IN
PRISON.

>> WELL, WASN'T YOUR PRISON ONLY
LIKE MINIMUM SECURITY?

>> THAT'S RIGHT.
I WAS IN JAIL WITH OTHER
WHITE-COLLAR CRIMINALS,

EVEN
THOUGH I'M BLACK.

>> YOU ARE NOT BLACK.

>> NO, WOW, ARE YOU ACCUSING ME
OF LYING ABOUT MY RACE?

LIKE RACHEL DOLEZAL?

THAT HORRIBLE WOMAN WHO LIED
ABOUT BEING BLACK?

REMEMBER HER?
THAT WAS ME.

>> GEORGE.
GEORGE, COME ON.

>> HOLD ON, I HAVE TO TAKE THIS,
IT'S ONE OF MY FRIENDS FROM
PRISON.

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

>> HELLO?
HI, DEWAYNE.

I MISS YOU TOO, GIRL.

I GOT TO GO, I'M HOSTING
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

>> NO, YOU'RE NOT HOSTING --

PUT YOUR WEIRD PRISON GLASS AWAY.

>> SORRY, IT'S WHAT I'M USED TO,
I WAS IN THERE FOR SO LONG.

>> YOU WERE IN THERE FOR 80
DAYS.

>> YEAH, I KNOW, A WHOLE YEAR.

BUT IT WASN'T ALL BAD.
I GOT TO WORK IN THE KITCHEN.

PEOPLE LOVED MY RICE PUDDING
RECIPE.

IT'S REALLY EASY.
JUST PREHEAT THE TOILET TO 350.

>> HOW DO YOU PREMEET TOILET?
>> YOU SIT ON IT FOR A WHILE.

HOLD ON I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

HELLO?
LUIGI?

HOW'S MY FAVORITE TWONK
MURDERER?

YOU TRIED MY RICE PUDDING
RECIPE?

YOU BURNED IT?
IT'S BECAUSE YOUR TOILET WAS TOO
HOT.

>> GEORGE.
THAT'S NOT LUIGI ON THE PHONE.

YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR.

>> OH, PLEASE, COLIN.
YOU'RE A LIAR TOO,

WEARING THAT
EXPENSIVE WATCH, PRETENDING
YOU'RE RICH.

>> BUT GEORGE -- I WAS ACTUALLY
BORN VERY RICH.

>> WOW.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M RICH NOW TOO.

BECAUSE I JUST TOOK A TRIP TO
THE LOUVRE.

>> OH, MY GOD, GEORGE.
DID YOU STEAL THAT?

>> STOLE IT BACK, YOU MEAN?

BECAUSE IT BELONGED TO MY
ANCESTORS, THE ZALES.

>> YOU BOUGHT IT AT ZALES?

>> HOLD ON, I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT.

>> HELLO, DIDDY?
MISS YOU TOO, ROOMY.

>> GEORGE SANTOS, EVERYONE.

>> I WON THE WORLD SERIES!

I WON THE WORLD SERIES!

YOU DID NOT WIN THE WORLD
SERIES.

>>> PAUL BIYA, THE 92-YEAR-OLD
PRESIDENT OF CAMEROON

OLDEST

WON THE ELECTION BY SOUNDLY DEFEATING --

OH, NO -- KAMALA HARRIS.

THE HITS KEEP COMING FOR KAMALA.

>>> NBC UNVEILED THEIR NEW
SLOGAN, "FACTS, CLARITY, CALM."

THEY'RE ALREADY BEING SUED FOR
COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

BY A
PILLOW FROM HOMEGOODS.

>>> NEW RESEARCH SHOWS THAT
CHILDHOOD PEANUT ALLERGIES

HAVE
DECLINED OVER 40% IN RECENT
YEARS DUE TO EARLY EXPOSURE
TO PEANUTS.

WHICH WAS EXACTLY THE GOAL OF MY
HEALTH CAMPAIGN,

"NUT UP, KIDS."

>>> OFFICIALS WITH THE SPECIAL
OLYMPICS

HAVE CALLED ON KID ROCK
TO STOP USING THE R-WORD.

EVEN THOUGH HE CAN, BECAUSE --
YOU KNOW.

COME ON.

>>> AN 80-YEAR-OLD WOMAN SET A
RECORD FOR OLDEST FEMALE TO HIKE
THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL.

AND ALSO THE RECORD FOR MOST
CIRCLING VULTURES.

>>> PRINCE ANDREW HAS BEEN
STRIPPED OF HIS ROYAL TITLE OF PRINCE

DUE TO HIS INVOLVEMENT
WITH JEFFREY EPSTEIN.

AND ANDREW SAYS HE CAN ONLY
BECOME PRINCE AGAIN

IF HE GETS A
KISS FROM A YOUNG PRINCESS.

>>> WELL, THE GOVERNMENT
SHUTDOWN HAS ENTERED DAY 32

WITH
BOTH SIDES SHOWING NO SIGN OF
GIVING IN ANY TIME SOON.

HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT ARE TWO
PEOPLE WHO JUST HOOKED UP.

>> DOES MY HAIR LOOK OKAY?

>> YOU'RE PERFECT.

>> OKAY. SO --

YOU'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT
THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN?

>> YES, YES.
WE ARE HERE TO DISCUSS THE
SHUTDOWN.

I MEAN, HOW LONG CAN THIS GO ON
WITHOUT ANYTHING HAPPENING?

>> YEAH, EXACTLY.
BUT YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES NOTHING
HAPPENS FOR A VERY LONG TIME --

AND THEN SUDDENLY --

EVERYTHING HAPPENS.

>> UH-HUH.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK THE PARTIES
NEED TO DO

TO OPEN THE
GOVERNMENT BACK UP?

>> LOOK, COLIN.
IT'S ALL ABOUT COMMUNICATION.

THEY JUST NEED TO GET IN THE
ROOM TOGETHER AND SAY HI.

>> HI.

>> HI.

>> OKAY.
AND THEN WHAT?

>> AND THEN MAYBE -- REPUBLICANS ARE LIKE --

ARE WE DOING THIS?

>> YEAH, THEN DEMOCRATS ARE LIKE --

I'VE WANTED TO FOR SO
LONG.

>> YEAH.
BUT -- MAYBE THE REPUBLICANS ARE
SCARED BECAUSE --

THEIR
GOVERNMENT HASN'T BEEN OPENED
IN --

A LONG TIME.

GOD.
NOT SINCE JASON, ACTUALLY.

>> WHO IS -- WHO'S JASON?

IS HE, LIKE, A CONGRESSMAN?

>> HE'S NOT A MAN.

>> OKAY.
I THINK DEMOCRATS ARE PRETTY UPSET

THAT TRUMP HAS DECIDED TO
BUILD HIS WHOLE BALLROOM DURING
THE SHUTDOWN.

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT?

>> YES.
TYPICALLY DURING A SHUTDOWN, YOU
WOULDN'T SEE A PRESIDENT

CONTINUING WITH A PROJECT THIS
SIZE.

>> YES, DEMOCRATS NEED TO SAY,
LOOK, IT'S TOO BIG.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO TRY
SOMETHING SMALLER?

>> YEAH, AND WHO KNOWS.
REPUBLICANS MIGHT EVEN SAY --

SMALLER SOUNDS GREAT.

I PREFER IT.

>> YOU PREFER IT?

>> DEMOCRATS ARE LIKE, I WANT TO
DO THIS RIGHT NOW.

>> AND REPUBLICANS ARE LIKE,
HERE?

IN COLIN'S DRESSING ROOM?

>> OH MY --
MY DRESSING ROOM?
HOW LONG WERE YOU IN THERE FOR?

>> OH, GOD.
LET ME THINK.

'CAUSE IT WAS COUCH.
THEN IT WAS A DESK?

>> NO, WE WANTED TO BUT THERE
WAS STUFF ON THE DESK.

>> OH, THAT'S RIGHT, THEN WE DID
DOOR.

>> WE WERE AT DOOR FOR A WHILE.

>> COUCH, THEN DOOR,

THEN WE JUST -- WE TALKED ABOUT MY
BROTHER.
>> I LOVED THAT.

>> JUST KIND OF A LOST GUY, I
REALLY WORRY ABOUT HIM.

>> YOU GIVE HIM TOO MUCH, YOU
GIVE HIM TOO MUCH.

>> YOU SAID THAT, AND I REALLY
APPRECIATED IT.

>> YOU'RE SO STRONG.
>> THANK YOU.

THEN IT WAS MORE DOOR.
>> IT WAS A LOT OF DOOR.
A LOT MORE DOOR.

>> AND THEN WE CAME OUT HERE.
>> MY GOD, WHAT IS DOOR?

>> LOOK, WE'RE NOT HERE TO TALK
ABOUT DOOR.

WE'RE HERE BECAUSE REPUBLICANS
AND DEMOCRATS, THEY NEED TO GET
TOGETHER.

YOU THINK THEY SHOULD GET
TOGETHER?

>> OH.
NO -- NO, LIKE -- I'M NOT SAYING
THEY NEED TO GET MARRIED.

>> I DIDN'T SAY THEY SHOULD GET
MARRIED.

>> OKAY, I THINK DEMOCRATS JUST
OUGHT TO JUST LIKE CHILL.

>> OH, CHILL?
OH, CHILL?

OKAY, DEMOCRATS OUGHT TO JUST
CHILL, OH.

THEN WHY DID DEMOCRATS SAY I
LOVE YOU DURING DOOR?

>> NOBODY SHOULD BE HELD TO WHAT
THEY SAY DURING DOOR.

I THINK DEMOCRATS WOULD HAVE
SAID ANYTHING FOR MORE DOOR.
>> OKAY.

>> WHAT IS DOOR?

>> WE HAD SEX WITH YOUR DOOR!
>> WE HAD SEX WITH YOUR DOOR!

>> OKAY, HERE'S PEOPLE WHO JUST
HOOKED UP, EVERYONE.

>>> A GOLDEN RETRIEVER IN
VIRGINIA BECAME AN INTERNET CELEBRITY

AFTER HIS OWNERS
POSTED VIDEOS OF THE DOG
STEALING ITEMS FROM AROUND THE
HOUSE.

MEANWHILE, A BLACK LAB WHO DID
THE SAME THING GOT THE DEATH
PENALTY.

NO JUSTICE FOR THE BLACK LAB.
>> NO, NO.

>>> OFFICIALS IN NEW YORK SAY
THAT A MANHATTAN PARKING LOT
ALONG THE EAST RIVER

WILL BE
TURNED INTO AN OUTDOOR GYM.

OH, THAT'S AWESOME.
THAT WAY ALL THE PSYCHOTIC VAGRANTS ON STREET

CAN GET SUPER
STRONG.

>>> A 101-YEAR-OLD WOMAN FROM NEW JERSEY

SAYS SHE STILL GOES
TO WORK SIX DAYS A WEEK.

SADLY ON THE SAME CORNER.

>>> BROADWAY STAR JORDAN LITZ ANNOUNCED

HE WILL BE RUNNING IN
TOMORROW'S NEW YORK CITY MARATHON

THEN LATER STAR IN TWO
PERFORMANCES OF "WICKED"

AND
THEN AFTER THAT DIE.

FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN

PLEASE
EDGE

DUE TO RUMORS THAT LAST WEEK'S
KILLING WAS THE WORK OF THE
INFAMOUS STEAK KNIFE SLASHER.

>> WE DESERVE ANSWERS!

>> WE DON'T WANT TO SPECULATE AT THIS TIME,

BUT HERE TO ANSWER
ANY OTHER QUESTIONS IS LEAD
HOMICIDE DETECTIVE RAY DUNHAM,
RAY?

>> THANK YOU, CHIEF.

NOW FOLKS, LIKE THE CHIEF SAID,
WE CAN'T VERIFY ANYTHING ABOUT
THE PERP AT THIS TIME.

BUT WHOEVER THIS BASTARD IS,
WE'RE GOING TO CATCH HIM.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT
ANYTHING ES, I'LL TAKE THOSE
NOW.

YOU IN THE FRONT.

>> MARCUS ABOUT ITS, "DAILY
TRIBUNE." I'VE GOT A INSIDE SOURCE

THAT SAYS
WOUNDS ARE ARE CONSISTENT WITH
VICTIMS OF THE SLASHER.
COMMENT?

>> FOLKS, I CANNOT COMMENT AT
THIS TIME.

NEXT?

>> HI. TINA DOBBS, "TIMES DAILY."
WE'VE JUST RECEIVED EYEWITNESS TESTIMONY THAT

QUOTE
A FIGURE MATCHING
THE SLASHER'S DESCRIPTION

WAS
SPOTTED FLEEING THE SCENE.
ANY COMMENT AT ALL?

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, I'M NOT
GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN NO
COMMENT.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT, YOU RIGHT HERE.

>> HI, DAVE ALLEN, "DAILY
GAZETTE."

I'VE RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM DC
COMICS.

DEAR MR. ALLEN, WE'VE RECEIVED
YOUR UNSOLICITED SOLICITATION

AND REGRET TO INFORM YOU WE WILL
NOT BE PUBLISHING YOUR GRAPHIC
NOVEL "GARGIRL."

HALF
AT THIS TIME NOR ANY TIME IN THE
FUTURE.

THOUGHTS?

>> YEAH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY
THAT?

>> WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF IT?
SOUND LIKE IT'S A HARD PASS?

>> YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE A HARD PASS
TO ME.

NEXT, YOU RIGHT HERE.

>> HEY, STEVEN CRI IS. T, "DAILY
TODAY."

GOT A QUOTE FROM THE VICTIM'S
FAMILY SAYING,

WE KNOW IT WAS
THE SLASHER, COPS ARE COVERING
IT UP.

PRETTY DAMNING, IS IT NOT?

>> IF YOU'RE GOING TO AND STUFF
I CAN'T ANSWER, I'M GOING TO END
THIS NOW.
SORRY

>> DAVE ALLEN, LOCAL AUTHOR.
DO YOU THINK THEY WANT A
REWRITE?

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>> A REWRITE OF "GARGIRL."

DO YOU THINK THEY WANT TO SEE A
REWRITE OF "GARGIRL"?

>> BUDDY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
GARGIRL IS.

>> HALF GARGOYLE, HALF GIRL, ALL
JUSTICE.

CRIME FIGHTER WITH THE POWERS OF
A GARGOYLE AND PROBLEMS OF A
TEENAGE GIRL.

CRUSHING VILLAINS BY NIGHT.
CRUSHING ON A QUARTERBACK BY
DAY.

THOUGHTS?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THOUGHTS?
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR HERE?

>> DO YOU LIKE IT?
DO YOU LIKE "GARGIRL"?
DO YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA?

>> YES, OKAY.
YEAH, I DO.
IT SOUNDS ACTION PACKED,

AND I
THINK IT'S COOL THAT IT DEALS
WITH REAL PROBLEMS FACING KIDS
TODAY.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?

>> NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

>> OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, WHO'S NEXT?
YOU.

>> YEAH, HI.
DICK MUSK.
TOMORROW TO DAILY.

WHAT EXACTLY DOES POWERS OF A
GARGOYLE MEAN?

>> I'LL TAKE THIS ONE.
DAVE ALLEN, CREATOR OF
GARGIRL.

SHE TRANSFORMS AT NIGHT.
CLAWS, FANGS, WINGS, THE
ULTIMATE CRIME-FIGHTING
CREATURE.

WHO'S NEXT?
RIGHT HERE.

>> ANNA SMITH SANCHEZ, "DAILY
NEWS TODAY."

IT SOUNDS LIKE PUBERTY.
ANY COMMENTS?

>> DAVE ALLEN, VISIONARY AUTEUR,

SPOT ON, EXCELLENT READ OF THE
SUBTEXT.

ANY QUESTIONS?

>> HOW POPULAR IS GARGIRL AT
SCHOOL?

-- ENOUGH, WE AREN'T HERE TO
TALK ABOUT GARGIRL.

THERE'S BEEN A MURDER, YOU GUYS.

>> HEY, YOU SHUT UP, YOU!

YOU WON'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT WHAT
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!

SHUT UP

>> JESUS, OKAY, FINE.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT.
WHAT ELSE DO WE WANT TO KNOW
ABOUT GARGIRL?

ALL RIGHT, YES, YOU, SIR.

>> ALFONSO JULIAN, MURDERER.

HOW DID GARGIRL BECOME GARGIRL?

>> DAVE ALLEN, VOICE OF A
GENERATION.

A GUY WHO WORKS IN A NUCLEAR
POWER PLANT FALLS INTO A VAT OF
NUCLEAR WASTE.

HE GOES HOME AND YANKS ONE OUT
INTO THE TOILET.

FLASHED
HE CONTAMINATED THE WATER SUPPLY
WITH A RADIOACTIVE LOAD

WHICH
EVAPORATED INTO THE CLOUDS WHICH
RAINED DOWN THE LOAD ONTO A
GARGOYLE.

>> WAIT, ARE YOU SAYING GARGIRL
IS A GARGOYLE THAT TURNS INTO A GIRL,

NOT A GIRL THAT TURNS INTO
A GARGOYLE?

>> YES.
YES, I AM.

>> OKAY.
WHOA.
WELL, THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING I
THOUGHT I KNEW ABOUT GARGIRL.

>> WHAT?
THIS STORY IS RIDICULOUS.

WHY WOULD A GUY WHO FELL
INTO NUCLEAR WASTE GO HOME

AND
IMMEDIATELY CRANK ONE OUT INTO
THE TOILET?

>> HE WAS EXCITED TO BE ALIVE.

>> JESUS CHRIST.
YOU, SIR, THE MURDERER.

YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL FOR A LONG
TIME, PAL.

>> OKAY, WELL -- AT LEAST I'LL
GET SOME READING DONE.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, BRANDI CARLILE.

Human

Baby, you're only gonna
HURT YOUR BACK

LOOKING DOWN LIKE THAT ¶

¶ CUT YOURSELF
A LITTLE MORE SLACK ¶

¶ BABY YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE A HEART ATTACK ¶

¶ AND THEY WON'T THANK YOU

THEY DON'T MAKE AWARDS
FOR THAT ¶

¶ WE KNOW BY NOW

THAT TIME DOES NOT TAKE SIDES

WE'RE ONLY HUMAN ¶

¶ I DON'T NEED TO SEE
HOW IT ENDS

TO TELL YOU THAT
WE'LL NEVER BE HERE AGAIN ¶

¶ WE'RE ONLY HUMAN

I JUST WANNA
FEEL MY FACE IN THE SUN ¶

¶ I NEVER REALLY WANTED
TO HURT ANYONE

FOREVER ONLY MEANS
WE HAD A GOOD RUN ¶

¶ WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW
RIGHT NOW

IT'S HARD ENOUGH

BEING HUMAN ¶

¶ IT'S NOT LIKE

WE'RE EVER REALLY
GONNA LEARN ¶

¶ AND I'M NO ANGEL

I KNOW WE'RE GONNA
WATCH IT BURN ¶

¶ AND BABY

THERE ISN'T
ANYWHERE TO RUN ¶

¶ AND I WON'T BLAME YOU

FOR SEEING ALL THE BEAUTY
IN A WILDFIRE SUN ¶

¶ TOMORROW ISN'T NOTHING

BUT A GAME
THAT WE USED TO PLAY

AND WE'RE ONLY HUMAN ¶

¶ I DON'T NEED
TO SEE HOW TO IT ENDS

TO TELL YOU THAT
WE'LL NEVER BE HERE AGAIN ¶

¶ BABE WE'RE ONLY HUMAN

I JUST WANNA FEEL
MY FACE IN THE SUN ¶

¶ I NEVER REALLY WANTED
TO HURT ANYONE

FOREVER ONLY MEANS
WE HAD A GOOD RUN ¶

¶ WE DON'T NEED
TO KNOW TO RIGHT NOW

IT'S HARD ENOUGH
BEING HUMAN ¶

¶ WE DON'T NEED
TO KNOW TO RIGHT NOW

IT'S HARD ENOUGH

BEING HUMAN ¶

¶ BABY WHEN YOU WAKE UP
AND IT WASN'T A DREAM ¶

¶ AND YOU'RE TIRED OF CRYING
YOU'RE TOO BROKEN
TO SCREAM ¶

¶ SHAKE YOUR FIST
AT THE CITY
LET IT RIP AT THE SEAMS

BE HUMAN ¶

¶ YOU'RE GONNA
HAMMER THE STREET
WITH YOUR HANDS
AND YOUR FEET ¶

¶ LET THE BITTERNESS DIE
FALL IN TIME TO THE BEAT

WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE EYES
OF THE STRANGERS YOU MEET ¶

¶ BE HUMAN

DATE

PICKED.

>> YEAH, YOU SAID IT WAS THE
BEST ITALIAN RESTAURANT IN
NEBRASKA.
>> UH-HUH.

>> BUONA SERA.

I AM LEONARDO.
>> I AM DAVINCI.

A BIG WELCOME TO THE LADY.

>> YES, A BIG WELCOME TO THE
LADY AND A LITTLE WELCOME TO THE
MAN, HA HA HA!

>> THANK YOU.
>> THANK YOU?

>> NOW, TELL ME, DO YOU LIKE TO
EAT PASTA?

YES OR GNOCCHI?

>> YES, TELL ME, ARE YOU A
PRO-PASTA OR ANTI-PASTI?

>> WE ARE FUNNY.
>> WE ARE GUYS THAT ARE FUNNY.

>> YOU ARE.
WE LOVE THIS.

>> NOW WE TELL YOU ABOUT THE
MENU.

>> BEFORE YOU START, I SHOULD
TELL YOU, I'M ALLERGIC TO A LOT
OF STUFF.

SHRIMP FOR SURE.
>> OH, HON, JUST HAVE FUN
TONIGHT.

>> NOT HOW IT WORKS.

>> OKAY, NOW OUR SPECIAL TONIGHT
IS A CACIO E PEPE.

MAYBE LATER YOUR WIFE CATCH-E MY
PEPE.

>> OKAY!
>> OKAY?

JOKE

>> NOW CAN WE OFFER YOU SOME
WINE?

>> GREAT, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> BE RIGHT BACK.

>> OH, THESE GUYS ARE SO GREAT.

>> THEY'RE ACTING LIKE I'M NOT
GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

>> HONEY, YOU'RE NOT BAD.
>> NOT BAD?

>> OKAY.
FOR THE WOMAN, THERE'S THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL WINE IN THE WORLD.

AND FOR THE MAN, SOME PURPLE
STUFF THAT I FOUND.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> YES, WE ALSO BROUGHT SOME
APPETIZERS.

>> WELL, I DON'T HAVE
SILVERWARE.

>> AH, YES.
HAVE YOU HEARD OF FARM TO TABLE?
>> OF COURSE.

>> OKAY, WELL WE TAKE IT TO THE
NEXT LEVEL, FARM TO MOUTH.

>> YES.
TAKE SOME, SINIORA.

>> OH, WOW.

MY GOSH.
DELICIOUS.

>> AND IS THERE ANYTHING FOR ME?
>> YES, OF COURSE, FOR THE MAN.

>> SALAD, SALAD FOR YOU.

MORE SALAD, A TOSSED SALAD.
TOSSED SALAD.

>> I'VE HAD ENOUGH SALAD.
>> OH, YES, MAYBE JUST ONE MORE.

>> NO, I'VE HAD ENOUGH SALAD,
THANK YOU.

>> THE CAD WANT TO TALK TO THE
CHEF.

>> YOU DON'T LIKE THE SALAD, NO
PROBLEM.

>> CHEF MARIO!

>> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT
YOU'D BE ITALIAN.

>> OH.
WELL, IF WE SHARING THOUGHTS, I
THINK YOU LOOK LIKE A OLD BOY.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'VE
HAD ENOUGH.

>> OH, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET THE
FOCACCIA.

GET THE
FOCACCIA.

>> I CAN PLAY YOUR GAME.

I'M NOT ALFREDO YOU,

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING OF A TIP,
BRUSCHETTA ABOUT IT.

>> FUNNY GUY, FUNNY GUY.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BRANDI

RAMI
GILLIS

LORNE