Original subtitles

>>> EARLIER THIS WEEK, ATTORNEY GENERAL PAM BONDI

APPEARED BEFORE THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE.

AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF HER TESTIMONY,

THE SENATORS DETERMINED THAT SHE HADN'T ACTUALLY ANSWERED ANY OF THEIR QUESTIONS.

SO SHE WAS RECALLED FOR A FOLLOW-UP SESSION.

WE NOW JOIN THE PROCEEDINGS.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I CALL THIS SESSION OF THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE TO ORDER.

SENATORS DURBIN, WHITEHOUSE, KLOBUCHAR, BLUMENTHAL,

AND THE AGGRESSIVELY FOLKSY SENATOR KENNEDY OF LOUISIANA PRESIDING.

>> THANK YOU, MOST KINDLY. AS WE SAY DOWN AROUND THE BAYOU,

THIS IS ATTORNEY GENERAL GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.

>> AND SHE WILL. WELCOME BACK, MADAME ATTORNEY GENERAL.

>> WHAT'S UP, NERDS?

FURIOUS TO BE HERE.

>> DO YOU AFFIRM THE TESTIMONY YOU'RE ABOUT TO GIVE BEFORE THIS COMMITTEE

WILL BE THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, SO HELP YOU GOD?

>> NO.

>> THANK YOU. WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE AN OPENING STATEMENT?

>> YES, I WOULD. MY NAME IS PAM BONDI.

I SPELL WITH IT AN I BECAUSE I AIN'T GOING TO ANSWER ANY OF YOUR QUESTIONS.

MY TIME IS VALUABLE. THE DOJ HAS MANY ON GOING OPERATIONS

AND WE'RE MOVING LIKE KASH PATEL'S EYEBALLS

VERY QUICKLY IN MULTIPLE DIRECTIONS AT ONCE.

>> VERY GOOD, MA'AM. THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES SENATOR BLUMENTHAL.

>> MADAME ATTORNEY GENERAL,

DID PRESIDENT TRUMP DIRECT YOU

TO PROSECUTE HIS POLITICAL OPPONENTS?

>> BEFORE I DON'T ANSWER,

I WOULD LIKE TO INSULT YOU PERSONALLY.

SENATOR BLUMENTHAL, LOOK AT THIS HONKY.

EVEN PEOPLE IN CONNECTICUT GO, DAMN, THAT GUY IS WHITE AS HELL.

>> OKAY.

>> THAT IS JUST ONE OF THE MANY ROAST-STYLE BURNS I HAVE HERE ON THIS PAPER.

DON'T MAKE ME USE THEM.

>> I'LL ASK AGAIN.

DID THE PRESIDENT DIRECT YOU TO INDICTMENT JAMES COMEY?

>> I'M NOT GOING TO DISCUSS MY PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS WITH THE PRESIDENT.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU WHO SAID WHAT

OR WHO FELL ASLEEP THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE

OR WHO KEPT CALLING ME IVANKA WHILE PATTING HIS LAP.

>> THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES SENATOR WHITEHOUSE.

>> GOOD BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT,

JEFFREY EPSTEIN.

REALLY THOUGHT MORE SENATORS WERE GOING TO CLAP.

ANY WAY, DID THE FBI FIND PHOTOS

OF PRESIDENT TRUMP WITH HALF-NAKED YOUNG WOMEN --

>> SIR. >> -- WHEN THEY RAIDED MR. EPSTEIN'S PROPERTY?

SIR, I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO DIGNIFY THAT QUESTION WITH A LIE.

>> CHAIR RECOGNIZES SENATOR KENNEDY.

OKAY NOW.

YOU SAID YOU GOT A LIST OF THIS EPSTEIN FELLA'S PLAYBOY FRIENDS ON YOUR DESK.

I BELIEVE IT'S YOUR JOB TO TELL US, WHO IS ON THAT LIST THERE ON YOUR DESK?

>> I TRIED READING THE EPSTEIN FILES BUT I GOT REALLY BORED.

IT'S SO REPETITIVE, TRUMP THIS, TRUMP THAT, YAWN.

>> MOVING ON. THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES RANKING MEMBER DICK DURBIN.

>> YEAH, I RECOGNIZE DICK DURBIN.

HIS NAME SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING DIDDY GOT ARRESTED FOR.

THAT'S FROM MY BURN BOOK.

WHILE WE'RE AT IT, AMY KLOBUCHAR, YOUR ASS OUT HERE SOUNDING LIKE A POKEMON.

I CHOOSE YOU, KLOBUCHAR.

>> YOU GOT ME.

>> I'M GOING TO ASK MY QUESTION NOW.

HOW CAN PRESIDENT JUSTIFY DEPLOYING TROOPS AGAINST AMERICAN CITIZENS?

DID YOU SEE THAT, HE PUSHED ME?

>> I DID NOT.

>> HE JUST CALLED ME A BITCH. >> NO, I DIDN'T.

NOW WHY IS THE PRESIDENT SENDING TROOPS TO MY HOME STATE?

>> TO PROTECT YOUR PEOPLE.

AND I WISHED YOU LOVED CHICAGO AS MUCH AS YOU HATE PRESIDENT TRUMP.

>> HOW LONG YOU BEEN WORKING ON THAT LINE?

>> THREE FULL MONTHS.

>> YOU SAY THE TROOPS ARE THERE TO PROTECT I.C.E. FACILITIES,

BUT WHY IS I.C.E. THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

>> I DON'T KNOW. YOU HAVE TO ASK HOMELAND SECURITY DIRECTOR KRISTI NOEM.

>> WELL, SHE ISN'T HERE.

>> WHAT IF SHE IS, THOUGH.

>> HOLD MY GUN.

THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S ME, KRISTI NOEM.

I SPELL MY NAME WITH AN I BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I THOUGHT IT WAS SPELT

AND I'M THE RAREST TYPE OF PERSON IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,

A BRUNETTE THAT DONALD TRUMP LISTENS TO.

I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT THIS DEMOCRAT GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NEEDS TO END NOW.

>> WELL, THE DEMOCRATS ARE EVEN MORE EAGER TO END THIS SHUTDOWN

THAN OUR REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES.

>> THAT MAKES ME LAUGH MORE THAN THE END OF OLD YELLER.

>> WHEN THE DOG GETS SHOT?

>> DOGS DON'T JUST GET SHOT. HEROES SHOOT THEM.

SPEAKING OF HEROES, OUR GOVERNMENT AGENTS ARE WORKING WITHOUT PAY.

LUCKILY MY BOYS AT I.C.E. DON'T MIND. THEY'RE IN IT FOR THE LOVE OF GAME.

HOW DID I FIND THEM? BY RUNNING ADS LIKE THIS.

DO YOU NEED A JOB NOW? >> YEAH.

>> ARE YOU A BIG, TOUGH GUY? >> YEAH.

>> TOUGH ENOUGH FOR THE ARMY OR POLICE? >> NO.

>> DO YOU TAKE SUPPLEMENTS YOU BOUGHT AT THE GAS STATION? >> DAILY.

>> DO YOU HAVE TO USE ZIP TIES BECAUSE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE DON'T TRUST YOU WITH KEYS?

>> YOU KNOW IT.

THEN BUCKLE UP, SLAP ON SOME OAKLEYS, WIG BOY. WELCOME TO I.C.E.

>> DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?

>> NO. NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

>> THEN OUR WORK HERE IS DONE.

>>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

MUSICAL

HOST

LADIES

THANK

I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE TONIGHT.

SNL IS SUCH A SPECIAL PLACE TO ME.

I FOUND MY FIRST LOVE HERE, BEING FAMOUS.

AND YOU KNOW, I'M STILL ON SOME OF THE AMAZING MEDICATIONS THAT THEY PUT ME ON,

SO I WILL BE FOREVER GRATEFUL.

FOR THOSE WONDERING, I'M NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT A BIG MOVIE OR TV PROJECT.

BUT NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, I AM LOOKING FOR AN ANGEL INVESTOR

FOR MY VERY ELITE BRAND OF LOW SUGAR, HIGH TEQUILA SODAS

CALLED POEHLERS COALERS,

LIKE JUST LIKE ME, ARE BANNED IN THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT.

LIFE IS GREAT. I HAVE MY NEW PODCAST "GOOD HANG" ON SPOTIFY.

>> THANK YOU.

THAT'S RIGHT. I AM A PODCASTER NOW.

AND IF THAT'S NOT A RECESSION INDICATOR, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

>> BUT TONIGHT IS ACTUALLY VERY SPECIAL NIGHT FOR THE SHOW,

NOT JUST BECAUSE I'M HERE, BUT BECAUSE 50 YEARS AGO

TODAY, ON OCTOBER 11th, 1975,

THE VERY FIRST EPISODE OF "SNL" AIRED.

AND THAT EPISODE WAS HOSTED BY GEORGE CARLIN.

AND JUST LIKE GEORGE CARLIN, I'M EXTREMELY HIGH.

BUT YOU KNOW THE WORLD LOOKED A LOT DIFFERENT IN 1975,

FOR ONE THING, WOMEN COULDN'T HAVE CREDIT CARDS YET.

YEAH, BUT NOW I'M KIND OF LIKE SOMEBODY TAKE MY CREDIT CARD AWAY.

AM I RIGHT?

I MADE THEM PUT THAT IN.

IT'S ALWAYS A DREAM COME TRUE TO BE HERE.

I REMEMBER WATCHING THE SHOW IN THE '70s,

SITTING IN MY HOUSE IN BURLINGTON, MASSACHUSETTS,

THINKING -- I WANT TO BE AN ACTRESS SOME DAY.

AT LEAST UNTIL THEY INVENT AN A.I. ACTRESS

WHO'S FUNNIER AND WILLING TO DO FULL FRONTAL.

BUT 50 YEARS, WOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S NICE ABOUT TURNING 50, YOU START TO NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK.

AND THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT SNL.

SHE'S OBVIOUSLY STOPPED CARING.

BUT NO MATTER THE AGE, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS.

SAY HELLO TO THE NEWEST CAST MEMBERS, EVERYBODY.

>> HEY, AMY.

WE'RE SO EXCITED YOU'RE --

>> KEEP IT MOVING. WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER YET. KEEP IT MOVING.

ANY WAY, BEFORE WE START THE SHOW, I JUST WANTED TO SAY ONE THING.

I KNOW IT CAN FEEL LIKE TIMES ARE VERY TOUGH RIGHT NOW.

AND IN SOME WAYS, THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AND THEY ALWAYS WILL BE.

SO I'LL JUST SAY THIS, IF THERE'S A PLACE THAT FEELS LIKE HOME

YOU CAN GO BACK TO AND LAUGH WITH FRIENDS,

CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY, AND I DO.

AND TO THAT LITTLE A.I. ROBOT WATCHING TV RIGHT NOW,

WHO WANTS TO BE ON THIS STAGE SOME DAY,

I SAY TO YOU, BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP,

WHICH TRANSLATES TO --

YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO WRITE A JOKE, YOU STUPID ROBOT.

AND I AM WILLING TO DO FULL FRONTAL,

BUT NOBODY HAS ASKED ME, OKAY!

ROLE MODEL IS HERE.

STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>>> THIS IS IT. MY CHILDHOOD HOME.

>> I'M SO EXCITED TO MEET YOUR FAMILY! >> THEY'RE EXCITED TO MEET YOU, TOO.

BEFORE WE GO IN, I SHOULD SAY THEY CAN SEEM A LITTLE COLD AT FIRST.

>> OH, BABE. I'M SURE IT'S FINE. I'M AMAZING WITH PARENTS.

I'VE DONE THIS HUNDREDS OF TIMES.

>> AH, WAIT, HUNDREDS?

MOM, DAD, GRANDMA, I'M HOME!

HI.

>> UM WELCOME HOME, I GUESS.

>> SO, YEAH.

AS I WAS SAYING.

# EVERYTHING YOU DO OR SAY REACT IN IN A WAY,

THE FAMILY CALLED THE RUDEMANS #

>> ANY WAYS. YEAH.

>> UM, OKAY. HEY, MR. RUDEMAN. NICE TO MEET YOU.

AMANDA TELLS ME YOU WORK AT NASA.

>> BY WORK AT NASA, YOU MEAN I'M EMPLOYED

BY THE NATIONAL AERONAUTICS AND SPACE ADMINISTRATION, THAN YEAH.

>> I MEAN, HE WHAT?

>> OKAY. YEAH, THAT IS WHAT I MEANT.

>> ANY WAY, I GUESS I'LL JUST GO GET THE QUESO DIP.

>> US, TOO. - WHAT?

>> SO, I THINK THEY LIKE YOU.

>> ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEIR TONE IS SO OFFENDED.

>> HEY, SIS.

AND OH, COOL. THERE'S A RANDOM GUY IN MY HOUSE.

NICE.

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK?

>> YOU KNOW, I'LL HAVE A BEER IF YOU'RE HAVING ONE.

>> WHOA! AT 10:00 A.M.?

HE'S A REAL KEEPER, SIS.

I MEAN, WHAT.

>> I KNOW. RIGHT?

>> I FEEL LIKE I'M BLOWING THIS RIGHT NOW.

>> OH, NO, THIS IS THE BEST IT'S EVER GONE.

>> I'LL GET THE LAND LINE

WE RANDOMLY STILL HAVE.

RUDEMAN RESIDENTS.

YEAH. I KNOW.

I'M THE ONE WHO MADE THE APPOINTMENT FOR TOMORROW.

LIKE, BUT THANKS FOR THE REMINDER.

LIKE, WHAT?

>> WHAT IS GOING ON?

WHY DO THEY ALL TALK LIKE THEY'RE A CASHIER AT BUFFALO EXCHANGE?

>> IT'S JUST HOW THEY TALK.

>> ANY WAYS, I GOT THE CHEESE DIP, I GUESS.

>> HEY, DO YOU WRANT SOME HELP CARRYING THAT?

>> I THINK I CAN HANDLE A LITTLE --

I'M FINE.

BUT THANKS FOR THE HELP UP, I GUESS.

>> UM, SO YEAH. THAT JUST HAPPENED.

>> NICE CATCH, MAN.

>> OKAY. STOP CLAP.

I CAN'T WIN WITH YOU GUYS.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I TALKED TO YOU THE WAY YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.

UM, RIGHT? WOW. LIKE I WAS SAYING.

>> NO!

>> DON'T YOU EVER SPEAK TO MY FAMILY THAT WAY!

>> SO, THAT JUST HAPPENED.

# THE RUDEMANS #

>>> OH, SLOW DOWN, CHAMP.

LOOK, I'M NOT AS YOUNG AS I USED TO BE.

AND I KNEW I NEEDED TO CUT BACK ON MY DRINKING.

SO I SWITCHED TO NONALCOHOLIC BEER.

SAME GREAT TASTE AS REGULAR BEER, NONE OF THE BOOZE.

WHICH MEANT I COULD FINALLY HAVE A COLD ONE WITH THE FELLAS

WHILE STILL DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR ME AND MY FAMILY.

BUT THEN I REALIZED, I WASN'T GETTING DRUNK.

WHICH IS KIND OF THE POINT, YOU KNOW?

WHICH IS WHY NOW I DRINK NON-NONALCOHOLIC BEER.

FIRST NON-NONALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE THAT'S OVER 96% ALCOHOL.

SAME GREAT TASTE AS NONALCOHOLIC BEER

BUT WITH MORE ALCOHOL THAN ANY BEVERAGE CURRENTLY ON THE MARKET.

HOT DOG.

PLUS, I STILL GET ALL THE SOCIAL BENEFITS OF DRINKING NONALCOHOLIC BEER, TOO.

>> LOOKING GOOD, MAN. WHAT YOU DRINKING?

>> IT'S CALLED A NON.

>> DAMN, SMELL LIKE GASOLINE.

>> THANK YOU. GET OUT OF HERE.

SEE THAT HYPHEN RIGHT THERE?

IT'S WHAT YOUR LAWYERS CALL THE SKELETON KEY.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES ALL THIS POSSIBLE.

SEE, NOT TECHNICALLY A LIE, IT'S CALLED A DOUBLE NEGATIVE

AND IT TASTES INCREDIBLE.

>> ERIC, YOU'RE SOBER.

>> AND YOU GAINED A FEW. LOOKS LIKE WE'RE TWO THINGS.

SCRAM

AND THE BEST PART, YOU CAN FINALLY DRINK AND DRIVE.

>> SIR, YOU BEEN DRINKING TODAY? >> JUST MY NONS, OF COURSE.

>> GREAT. YOU WON'T MIND IF I GIVE YOU A BREATHALYZER.

BACK UP. BACKUP. OH GOD.

>> NOW NON-NONALCOHOLIC BEER.

DOUBLE THE NEGATIVE, DOUBLE THE PARTY.

>>> SHE'S BLUNT, SHE'S CLAIRVOYANT

AND SHE'S GOT A HARD OUT AT 7.

SHE IS MISS LYCUS, THE FAST PSYCHIC.

HEY. WELCOME TO THE SHOW. MY NAME IS MISS LYCUS,

I'M A FAST PSYCHIC AND ALWAYS OUT AND HAVE A HARD OUT AT 7.

JOINING ME TODAY IS TAD DOUD. AUTHOR OF BOOK SENIOR OF GHOSTS. THANKS FOR BEING HERE TAD.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME. I HAVE NEVER SEEN THE PROGRAM.

>> THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

WE HAVE A BUNCH OF SAD, DESPERATE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

WHO WANT ANSWERS FROM BEYOND THE SHADOWS. I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM THOSE.

YOU IN THE TABLE CLOTH. GO.

>> HI, MY NAME IS ANGELINA.

>> ANGELINA, WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION. GO.

>> OKAY, SO 15 YEARS AGO MY DAD LEFT OUR HOUSE TO BUY A PACK OF CIGARETTES

AND I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM SINCE.

>> HE'S DEAD.

>> WHAT? >> HONEY, HE DIED.

HE DROWNED. HE DROWNED UNTIL HE DIED.

AND NOW HE'S FISH FOOD. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

>> NO, BUT THANK YOU.

NEXT

>> WOW. OKAY. THAT WAS VERY FAST.

>> OKAY. SHUT UP. NEXT.

>> HI, SO I HAD A QUESTION ABOUT MY GRANDPA.

>> HE'S DEAD.

>> OH, I KNOW. IS HE HERE RIGHT NOW? DOES HE HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ME?

>> YEAH, HE SAYS HI FROM HELL. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

>> NO, BUT THANK YOU.

>> NEXT. GO, GO, GO.

>> HI. SO MY HUSBAND --

>> HE'S DEAD. HE DIED. HE DROWNED. NEXT.

>> OH, NO, ACTUALLY HE'S RIGHT HERE.

>> HONEY, I KNOW. I KNOW THAT. HE DROWNED BUT HE'S STILL ALIVE

AND WHAT'S DEAD IS YOUR MARRIAGE.

I HATE LOOKING AT YOU. YOU LOOK LIKE SIBLINGS.

HE'S CHEATING ON YOU WITH A WOMAN AS TALL AS HE IS. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

>> NOT AT ALL. >> YES, IT DOES.

>> BUT THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU FOR WHAT. WHY ARE YOU GOING SO FAST?

>> BECAUSE I JUST TOOK A COLONOSCOPY DRINK AND IT'S GOING THROUGH ME LIKE A JAPANESE BULLET TRAIN.

NEXT

>> MY FATHER RECENTLY PASSED AWAY.

>> HONEY, HE'S DEAD. >> THANK YOU.

>> AND NOW AS ALWAYS, WE NEED TO ISSUE SOME CORRECTIONS FOR THE PREDICTIONS GAVE LAST EPISODE. HERE WE GO.

NOT

SO THOSE WERE THAT. NEXT.

>> HI, I ALWAYS WONDERED WHO MY BIOLOGICAL MOTHER IS.

>> HONEY, IT AIN'T ME. THE GOOD NEWS IT'S HILLY DUFF.

THE BAD NEWS IT'S NOT THE ONE YOU'RE THINKING OF.

NEXT. GO, GO, GO.

>> SHE'S DEAD.

>> WHO IS. >> YOU ARE. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

>> YEP. THANK YOU.

THAT SOUND MEANS THE BULLET TRAIN IS ONE STATION AWAY.

SO, TIME FOR THE SPEED ROUND.

>> THAT WASN'T THE SPEED ROUND?

>> OKAY. GOING DOWN THE LINE.

DEAD. DEAD. ALIVE.

DROWNED. BURNT. DROWNED. BURNT.

DROWNED, DROWNED, DROWNED,

MARY, F, KILL.

UNDIAGNOSED DIABETES.

AND IF I HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO YOU YET, JUST KNOW THE GHOST OF HULK HOGAN SAYS WHAT'S UP.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> OKAY. ONE MORE. BRING IT HOME.

>> HI. TWO YEARS AGO I WAS ON THE SHOW AND YOU TOLD ME MY BROTHER WAS DROWNED

BUT ALIVE AND THRIVING IN FLORIDA.

I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU BECAUSE THANKS TO YOU, WE FOUND MY BROTHER.

>> AND I'M ACTUALLY A HUGE FAN OF TAD'S.

I HAD A QUESTION ABOUT HIS BOOK.

>> OKAY. GREAT. FINALLY.

>> SO N YOUR STORY ABOUT LISA, LIKE WHAT --

>> IT'S 7 AND THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EPISODE OF,

MISS LYCUS THE FAST PSYCHIC.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? >> NO, BUT THANK YOU.

>>> MILLIONS OF AMERICANS TUNED IN FOR SEASON 1 OF "THE HUNTING WIVES."

THE STRAIGHT BUTLESS BEE YAN HORNY REPUBLICAN MURDER DRAMA.

NOW IT'S BACK FOR MORE.

>> WELL, I'M BACK FROM PRISON.

>> LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN.

>> RUSHED TO GET YOU IN RECORD TIME

THE HUNTING WIVES, SEASON 2.

ALL YOUR FAVS ARE BACK AND THEY'RE AS NAUGHTY AS EVER.

>> SOPHIE, WHAT CAN I GET? >> I DON'T DRINK.

I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

>> OKAY. BUT HERE IS SOME WHISKEY. >> OKAY, I WILL.

>> FIVE WILL BE QUEEN.

GUNS WILL BE DRAWN.

>> I THINK YOU KILLED THAT GIRL.

>> YOU TAKE THAT BACK. >> OH, HELL NO.

>> LET'S PARTY, Y'ALL.

>> IN SEASON 1 -- >> JUST BREATHE.

>> SOPHIE LEARNED HOW TO HUNT,

BUT THERE'S ROOM FOR LOTS MORE SENSUAL TEACHING.

PEOPLE MAGAZINE WRITES, IT'S LIKE CALL ME BY YOUR NAME

FOR WOMEN WHO SHOP AT BASS PRO SHOP.

>> NEVER MADE CHILI BEFORE.

>> IT'S JUST YOU AND THE BEANS.

>> PLUS, EVEN MORE GREAT WRITING

AND WIGS THAT ARE DOING THEIR BEST.

>> AND WHO COULD FORGET, THE TEEN.

>> YOU'RE CUTE. YOU WANT TO HOOK UP?

>> I CAN'T. I'M MARRIED AND YOU'RE 18.

>> OKAY. BUT LET'S HOOK UP.

>> OKAY. I WILL.

>> I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT LIES THE WASHINGTON POST.

ROLLING STONE RAVES DIDN'T SOME OF THESE CHARACTERS DIE ALREADY?

IT'S LIKE THE L WORD TOOK PLACE IN YELLOWSTONE.

THIS SHOW HAS HEALED OUR NATION, WRITES A.I. SCOTT,

THE ROBOT NOW DOING REVIEWS FOR "THE NEW YORK TIMES."

IN ONE SCENE A WOMAN TOOK OFF HER ENTIRE OUTFIT TO PUT IN A TAMPON.

THAT WAS INTERESTING. SAYS THE AV CLUB

AND THINGS GET EVEN CRAZIER WHEN A NEW NEW GIRL JOINS THE GROUP.

>> HEY, LADIES. I'M NEW HERE.

I JUST MOVED FROM CALIFORNIA.

>> WE'RE JUST MAKING MIMOSAS. PULL UP A CHAIR.

>> I NEVER MADE MIMOSAS BEFORE. >> I'LL SHOW YOU.

>> OKAY.

>> JUST TAKE IT SLOW.

>> WELL, I GOT TO MAKE SURE YOU SHOW HER RIGHT.

>> SO NEW GIRL, YOU HAVE A NICE CALIFORNIA BOYFRIEND?

>> I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

>> LESBIAN. THIS IS TEXAS.

>> "THE HUNTING WIVES" SEASON 2.

DON'T WATCH IT ON A PLANE.

>>> I'M SURPRISED SHE'S COMING INTO WORK STILL.

SHE'S NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.

>> I KNOW. IT'S OKAY TO TAKE TIME OFF.

>> NO TIME FOR SMALL TALK.

WE'RE NECK IN NECK WITH FISHER AND SONS

FOR A MULTIMILLION DOLLAR CONSULTING DEAL ATTACK

WE LAND THIS, YOU CAN ALL EXPECT A FAT BONUS.

>> I KNOW YOU'RE THE MANAGER,

BUT IF YOU NEED TO LEAVE, WE CAN ABSOLUTELY HANDLE IT.

>> NOT NECESSARY. YESTERDAY WAS TECHNICALLY MY DUE DATE.

SHOULD THE BABY ARRIVE, I OBVIOUSLY HAVE A PLAN

AND IN THE MEANTIME, LET'S LAND THIS DEAL. RICHARD, GO AHEAD.

>> SURE, YEAH. THANK YOU.

SO, THE KEY TO DISTINGUISHING OUR COMPANY IS IN THE CLIENT LIST.

WE'VE IMPLEMENTED SUCCESSFUL STRATEGIES FOR MARKETING

FOR RESULTING IN, I DON'T KNOW, OVER $1.8 BILLION IN REVENUE.

AND AN AVERAGE OF 300% INCREASE YEAR OVER YEAR.

I'M SORRY, WHAT IS THAT?

>> IT'S MY BIRTHING POOL.

AND I WOULD LOVE IF WE COULD AVOID PERSONAL QUESTIONS,

BUT IF YOU MUST KNOW, MY WATER BROKE. CONTINUE.

>> YOUR WATER BROKE. SHOULD WE GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL?

>> LET'S BE ADULTS, GUYS. NOT EVERY BIRTH TAKES PLACE IN A HOSPITAL.

PLENTY OF PEOPLE HAVE HOME BIRTHS. I HAPPEN TO BE HAVING A WORK BIRTH.

NOW RICHARD, GO AHEAD.

>> OKAY.

SO, I GUESS BY STARTING WITH OUR IMPRESSIVE CLIENT LIST.

>> SORRY. ARE YOU OKAY?

>> YEAH. THAT ALL SOUNDS REALLY GREAT SO FAR. WHY?

>> YOU WERE SCREAMING IN AGONY.

>> ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T NEED A BREAK?

>> I THINK MOMMA IS DOING GREAT.

>> SORRY, WHO IS THAT GUY?

>> HELLO. I AM ZACCHARYA, I AM HER DOULA.

THANK YOU FOR WELCOMING ME INTO YOUR TEMPLE OF EMPLOYMENT.

>> WHERE DID YOU FIND HIM?

>> HE'S VERY RESPECTED ON FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE.

NOW, CLAIRE, LET'S HEAR FROM YOUR DEPARTMENT, PLEASE. YOU MOCKED UP A DECK, RIGHT?

>> YES, I DID. EXCUSE ME, ZACCHARYA.

I PUT TOGETHER SOME OF OUR FORTUNE 200 GROWTH CHARTS,

JUST TO VISUALLY DEMONSTRATE OUR ABILITIES --

>> OH, SOMETHING IS HORRIBLY WRONG. >> WHAT'S WRONG?

>> THERE'S A TYPO IN THE HEADER, CLAIRE.

NOW LISA, HOW ARE COMMS COMING?

>> WE'RE GOOD.

I THINK WE JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE

OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE CLIENT JUST GO BEYOND THE --

ARE YOU SAGING ME?

>> SORRY. JUST CLEANSING THE ENERGY.

IT'S KIND OF A DOG WATER AURA COMING FROM THIS DIRECTION HERE.

>> HONEY, HONEY! EXCUSE ME.

I'M HERE, HONEY. I CAME AS FAST AS I COULD.

>> OKAY. YOU'RE LATE. PLEASE SIT DOWN. WE'RE THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING.

>> OF COURSE. SO SORRY.

GETTING IN. GETTING IN.

CONTINUE. >> OKAY.

>> DO YOU WANT US TO GIVE YOU TWO A MINUTE?

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, PLEASE.

I KNOW MY WIFE AND I KNOW SHE WOULD LOVE IF YOU WOULD KEEP THE MEETING GOING.

>> OH, I THINK THE BABY IS CROWNING. >> OKAY.

>> PUSH, MOMMA. YOU GOT THIS.

HUBBY, HELP ME STIMULATE THE MOTION OF THE TIDE. >> ABSOLUTELY.

>> ANY WAYS, AS I WAS SAYING --

>> OH MY GOD. IT'S SO SALTY.

>> YEAH. THERE WE GO, MOMMA.

SHIMMY THAT LITTLE WORM OUT INTO THE USA.

>> THIS IS NOT HOW DOULAS TALK.

>> HOW WOULD I KNOW, I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.

>> EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A PACKAGE FOR --

HO! OKAYKY DOEKKY, I JUST SAW A FULL VAGILGIGU.

MY DAY IS FINISHED. GOOD-BYE.

>> HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!

>> OH MY GOD!

>> WAWA, CRAZY RIGHT?

BIRTHING A CHILD AT WORK? WHO WOULD DO THAT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHO, THE MOST AMAZING, HARD-WORKING,

DETAIL-ORIENTED WOMAN I'VE EVER BEEN BIRTHED FROM, MY MOTHER.

COME ON, MOM. WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO LAND THAT DEAL.

ROLE

Sally, When the Wine Runs Out

I MET SALLY AT A LATE-NIGHT DIVE BAR

SHE DON'T DANCE BUT SHE DOWNS HER DRINKS #

# HEARD THROUGH A FRIEND SHE'S A BORN-AGAIN WILDCARD #

# SHE WAS TELLING ME WILD THINGS

OH SHE WAS TELLING ME WILD THINGS #

# LIVES DOWN THE STREET PAST THE 7-ELEVEN

JUST CLOSE ENOUGH THAT I SPENT THE NIGHT #

# SHE GRABBED MY HAND AT THE INTERSECTION

I SPILLED MY GUTS AT THE RED LIGHT #

# SALLY

THAT FEELING'S COMING AROUND #

# PLEASE DON'T GO FALLING IN LOVE

THEN DISAPPEAR WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

# SALLY

I'LL BUY A COUPLE OF ROUNDS #

# DON'T LET ME THINK I'M ENOUGH

THEN DISAPPEAR WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

# AH SALLY #

# WELL I OPEN UP WHILE SHE'S FLIPPING THROUGH PAGES

GETTING LONELY AS THE DAYS GET DARK #

# IF YOU'RE BORED AND YOUR MIND STARTS CHANGING

MAYBE JUST GIVE ME A HEAD START #

I SEE THE GLASS IN YOUR EYES

JUST TRYNA KEEP IT ALIVE

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD #

# SALLY

THAT FEELING'S COMING AROUND #

# PLEASE DON'T GO FALLING IN LOVE

THEN DISAPPEAR WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

# SALLY

I'LL BUY A COUPLE OF ROUNDS #

# DON'T LET ME THINK I'M ENOUGH

THEN DISAPPEAR WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

WHERE'S MY SALLY TONIGHT!

HERE WE GO AGAIN I'M FALLING HEADFIRST

ANKLES HIT THE TWO-STEP SALLY MAKES MY HEAD HURT #

# HEARD THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE SHE CAN BE A DIVA #

# COLD LIKE MINNESOTA HOTTER THAN A FEVER #

# AW -- HERE WE GO AGAIN I'M FALLING HEADFIRST

ANKLES HIT THE TWO-STEP SALLY MAKES MY HEAD HURT #

# HEARD THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE SHE CAN BE A DIVA #

# COLD LIKE MINNESOTA HOTTER THAN A FEVER #

# SALLY

THAT FEELING'S COMING AROUND #

# PLEASE DON'T GO FALLING IN LOVE

THEN DISAPPEAR WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

# SALLY

I'LL BUY A COUPLE OF ROUNDS #

# DON'T LET ME THINK I'M ENOUGH

THEN DISAPPEAR WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.

>>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.

>>> WELL, IT IS NICE TO START UPDATE WITH SOME GOOD NEWS

FOR ONCE THERE IS PEACE THE MIDDLE EAST.

THE ONLY DOWNSIDE IS THERE'S WAR IN CHICAGO.

ONLY TRUMP COULD FREAKY FRIDAY CHICAGO AND GAZA.

AND I KNOW TRUMP IS UPSET THAT HE DIDN'T WIN THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE,

BUT THE LAST GUY TO SEND HEAVILY ARMED MEN INTO AN AMERICAN CITY

WAS BANE FROM BATMAN.

BANE, WHO IS ALSO SNUBBED FOR THE PEACE PRIZE.

AND TRUMP DESERVES CREDIT, I HAVE TO SAY, FOR BROKERING THIS CEASEFIRE IN GAZA,

BUT I'M SLIGHTLY SKEPTICAL

SINCE BIDEN ALSO NEGOTIATED A CEASEFIRE IN GAZA NINE MONTHS AGO.

REMEMBER THAT? NO?

WELL, NEITHER DOES BIDEN.

>> THE ACTUAL NOBEL PEACE PRIZE WAS AWARDED THIS WEEK

TO VENEZUELAN OPPOSITION LEADER.

FOX

TRUMP ROBBED BY DERANGED HISPANIC.

>>> MANY LEADERS THE MIDDLE EAST ARE CREDITED PRESIDENT TRUMP

WITH BROKERING THE HAMAS-ISRAEL

SENSE

CRAZY PEOPLE ONLY LISTEN TO OTHER CRAZY PEOPLE.

YOU SEE A GUY JACKING ON THE SUBWAY YOU DON'T ASK HIM TO STOP.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS TOO, AND NOW WE CAN NEGOTIATE.

>>> HEALTH SECRETARY -- HEALTH SECRETARY RFK JR.

SEEN HERE TRYING TO CURE CANCER WITH HIS MIND.

SAID THIS WEEK THAT MEN WHO WERE CIRCUMCISED ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE AUTISTIC.

WHICH ISN'T SURPRISING COMING FROM A MAN

WHO LOOKS LIKE HE'S MADE OUT OF FORESKIN.

>> NOT MINE.

THE PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS REPORTEDLY BECOME CONCERNED

WITH CONGRESSWOMAN MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, CRITICIZING REPUBLICANS ON KEY ISSUES

WITH TRUMP ASKING, WHAT'S GOING ON WITH MARJORIE?

LITTLE ADVICE, BRO, LET HER GO. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER.

GOD KNOWS I'VE TRIED.

>>> U.S. TREASURY IS PLANNING TO RELEASE A SILVER DOLLAR WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP'S FACE ON IT,

AND THEN ON THE OTHER SIDE, HE HAS HARRIET TUBMAN IN A HEAD LOCK.

>>> THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS ALSO ROLLING OUT A VIDEO AT AIRPORTS

IN WHICH KRISTI NOEM WILL BLAME DEMOCRATS FOR FLIGHT DELAYS

RELATED TO THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN. LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.

>> IT'S MEMORABLE.

>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ISSUED A PROCLAMATION ENDING INDIGENOUS PEOPLE'S DAY

AND CALLING CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS THE ORIGINAL AMERICAN HERO.

SO WHILE TRUMP IS ROUNDING UP PEOPLE WITH I.C.E.,

HE IS PRAISING COLUMBUS

A GUY WHO LITERALLY BROUGHT BOAT LOADS OF HISPANICS TO AMERICA.

>>> AFTER A HISTORIC WIN IN THE PRIMARIES,

ZOHRAN MAMDANI IS NOW THE FRONT-RUNNER IN THE NEW YORK CITY MAYORAL RACE.

HERE TO COMMENT -- YEAH.

HERE TO COMMENT IS A VERY CONCERNED NEW YORKER, RHONDA LACINZO.

>> MICHAEL CHE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GIVING ME THIS PLATFORM.

>> WELL, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

I HAVE TO SAY, RHONDA, YOU HAVE VERY PANICKED ENERGY ALREADY.

>> OH, ME? WHY WOULD I BE PANICKED?

OH, I'M JUST THRILLED THAT OUR CITY IS ABOUT TO BE TAKEN OVER

BY MY FAVORITE TYPE OF PERSON,

HOORAY, JIHADIST.

>> THAT'S PRETTY STRONG WORDS OUT THE GATE.

>> WELL, CHE, HE ISN'T EVEN A REAL NEW YORKER, CHE.

HE'S FROM UGANDA. OKAY?

I'M A REAL NEW YORKER, CHE. I'M FROM LONG ISLAND, CHE.

>> LONG ISLAND ISN'T IN NEW YORK CITY. YOU CAN'T EVEN VOTE IN THIS ELECTION.

>> WELL, REALLY? HOW COME I VOTED FOR CUOMO IN THE PRIMARY 48 TIMES, CHE?

>> I DON'T KNOW BUT THAT'S ILLEGAL.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL, CHE,

ALL OF MAMDANI'S SOCIALIST POLICIES, FREE BUSES, HUH?

RENT FREEZE, UNIVERSAL CHILD CARE?

YOU KNOW, I READ THAT MAMDANI HIMSELF SAID THAT HE'S GOING TO ACT --

ENACT SHARIA LAW IN THE CITY.

SHARIA LAW.

HE CAN'T DO THAT, CHE. I KNOW SHARIA.

SHE'S MY NAIL TECH.

AND SHE SHOULD NOT BE LAW.

COFFEE,CH SNERKS.

>> NO. WHERE ARE YOU READING THIS STUFF?

>> "THE NEW YORK TIMES," CHE.

ON THEIR WEBSITE ON A COMMENT

FOR A RECIPE FOR A SALAD.

>> THAT SHARIA LAW THING IS NOT TRUE, YOU KNOW THAT, RHONDA?

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IS TRUE, CHE.

MAMDANI IS AN ISIS TRAINED FROM UGANDA.

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, CHE.

HEY, CHE.

YOU THINK COLIN WOULD DO THAT JOKE FOR ME

IN EXCHANGE FOR A PAIR OF MY PANTIES?

COFFEE, CHE? >> NO.

>> COFFEE, CHE. >> THAT SMELLS A LOT LIKE GIN.

WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR INFORMATION?

>> HE TOLD ME TO MY FACE

IN A SEXUAL FANTASY YOUED A ABOUT HIM.

>> YOU HAD A SEX DREAM ABOUT HIM?

>> AND I'VE WRITTEN IT AS A SCREEN PLAY.

>> WE OPEN ON TEHERAN.

WE HEAR THE MUSLIM CALL TO PRAYER.

AND OUT OF A CLOUD OF HOOKAH SMOKE

TELLS THE BOLSHEVIK HIMSELF - ZOHRAN.

HE DROPS HIS TOWEL REVEALING HIS BIG, GIRTHY BUS.

AND TONIGHT, I'M RIDING IT FOR FREE.

COFFEE, CHE? COFFEE, CHE? >> NO.

RHONDA, I THINK I'M CONFUSED. THERE'S SO MUCH GIN IN THERE.

I'M CONFUSED WHY YOU CARE. YOU DON'T LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.

>> ONLY BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD IT. NO ONE CAN.

LISTEN, CHE, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT,

LONG ISLANDERS MAKE NEW YORK CITY WHAT IT IS. OKAY?

WITHOUT US, WHO WOULD TAKE CALLS ON SPEAKERPHONE

DURING LION KING? OKAY?

WITHOUT US, WHERE WOULD ALL THE MOST VIOLENT COPS LIVE?

>> STATEN ISLAND.

>> OKAY, RHONDA. I JUST THINK SOME OF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS PRETTY ISLAMOPHOBIC IS ALL.

>> ISLAMAPHOBIC, CHE. HOW DARE YOU. HOW DARE YOU, CHE.

I'M NOT ISLAMOPHOBIC, CHE. OKAY?

I'M JUST SCARED OF ALL MUSLIM PEOPLE.

>> THAT IS WHAT ISLAMOPHOBIC MEANS.

>> I AM THEN. YES.

>> RHONDA, EVERYBODY.

COFFEE, CHE?

>>> FORMER JETS QUARTERBACK MARK SANCHEZ

HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF DRUNKENLY ASSAULTING A DELIVERY DRIVER

BEFORE THE DRIVER STABBED HIM.

THE PENALTIES OFFSET, REPEAT FIRST DOWN.

IF CONVICTED, SANCHEZ COULD BE SENT TO PRISON

OR WORSE, BACK TO THE JETS.

>>> OPENAI UPDATED HIS VIDEO GENERATING APP SORA

FOR USERS TO CREATE VIDEOS AND CAMEOS.

THEY'RE PRETTY REALISTIC. I MADE THIS ONE BEFORE THE SHOW.

>> YOU SUCK.

>> REALLY EXCITED FOR THAT TO JUST BE OUT THERE.

>>> A GROWING NUMBER OF GEN Z MEN ARE MOVING BACK IN WITH THEIR PARENTS,

TAKING OVER HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND CALLING THEMSELVES TRAD SONS.

REPLACING THE OLD NAME, FAILURES.

>>> ARBY'S ANNOUNCE THAIRD ADDING A NEW ITEM TO THEIR MENU, STEAK NUGGETS

ALTHOUGH YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN STEAK NUGGETS BY EATING A BUNCH OF ARBY'S.

>>> A HIGH SCHOOL CHEER COACH WAS ARRESTED ON CHARGES

THAT SHE HAD SEX WITH A MALE STUDENT.

SAID THE COACH, GIVE ME A D.

OKAY.

>>> ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, OCTOBER IS THE MOST COMMON MONTH

FOR SINGLE PEOPLE TO ENTER RELATIONSHIPS,

COMMONLY KNOWN AS CUFFING SEASON.

HERE TO COMMENT ARE GRANT AND ALYSSA,

THE COUPLE YOU CAN'T BELIEVE ARE TOGETHER.

>>> WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP, COLIN, GREAT TO BE BACHMAN.

IT IS CUFFING SEASON AND I LOVE IT.

I'M CUFFED AS HELL, BABY.

AND LET'S JUST SAY WHEN THE OFFICER LOOKS LIKE THIS, YOU DON'T RESIST ARREST.

>> THAT IS GREAT TO SEE YOU GUYS, AS ALWAYS. SO YOU LIKE THE FALL?

>> OH, MAN, MY BABY LOVES THE FALL.

SHE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE LOVES THE FALL.

TELL THEM, BABY, DON'T YOU LOVE THE FALL.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH, MAN. SHE AIN'T LYING.

MY BABY IS SO SMART, SHE DOESN'T EVEN CALL IT FALL.

TELL THEM WHAT YOU CALL IT, BABY? >> AUTUMN.

>> WHAT? WHAT EVEN IS THAT, GUYS?

I JUST CALL IT THE TIME WHEN THE TREES LOSE THEIR HAIR.

BUT MY BABY IS SO FUNNY, COLIN. SHE IS HILARIOUS.

THE OTHER DAY WE WERE APPLE PICKING. AND MY BABY TOLD THE FUNNIEST THING.

TELL THEM WHAT YOU SAID AT THE APPLE PLACE, BABY.

>> I SAID PLEASE CALM DOWN.

>> MY BABY IS HILARIOUS, COLIN.

YEAH. AND WE BOTH LOVE HALLOWEEN. BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.

>> I'M FASCINATED BY HIS PAGAN ORIGINS.

>> YEAH. I LIKE SEEING LITTLE KIDS DRESSED AS SPIDERMAN

SO I GET TO SEE MY FAVORITE SUPERHERO WHAT HE WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE WHEN HE WAS LITTLE.

>> WOW.

THAT'S SO DUMB.

ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO DO COSTUMES THIS YEAR?

>> I'LL BE GOING AS SYLVIA PLAQUE.

IT'S THE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR YOU CAN DRESS LIKE A SLUT.

>> DAMN, BABY.

I'LL BE WHAT I AM EVERY YEAR, MIKE WAZOSKI!

>> THAT'S A HORN.

WE ALSO LIKE TO CARVE PUMPKINS TOGETHER, COLIN.

>> OH, OH. I WANT TO SEE.

>> I MADE THISSED A ON ODE TO EDGAR ALLEN POST, THE REIGN.

>> LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THAT, COLIN. LOOK HOW TALENTED MY BABY IS.

>> AND I MADE THIS ONE.

I THINK I MADE THE NOSE TOO BIG.

BUT MY FAVORITE PART OF HALLOWEEN COMES AT NIGHTTIME, COLIN.

>> RIGHT. WHEN YOU GO TRICK OR TREATING.

>> CLOSE. TELL THEM, BABY.

>> OH, WHEN AFTER A LONG DAY OF FESTIVE FUN, I TAKE HIM TO THE BEDROOM,

LIGHT MY GOOD CANDLE AND I JACKAL ON HIS LANTERN.

>> ALYSSA AND GRANT, EVERYONE.

>> DAMN, BABY.

>>> AWARDED THE NOBEL PRIZE IN LITERATURE

FOR HIS COMPELLING AND VISIONARY

IN THE MIDST OF APOCALYPTIC TERROR REAFFIRMS THE POWER OF ART.

THE TITLE HIS BOOK "YOU GOT TO WASH YOUR ASS."

>> THAT WOULDN'T BE TITLE. >> PROBABLY NOT, NO.

>>> MONDAY WAS NATIONAL GERMAN-AMERICAN DAY

WHICH MY FAMILY HAS BEEN CELEBRATING

EVER SINCE THEY HASTILY MOVED HERE IN 1945.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> WHAT DID I DO TO EVERYONE?

>>> A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A HOSPITAL RECORD

AFTER GIVING BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY.

IT'S THE FIRST BABY TO EVER BUST OUT SAYING, OH, YEAH!

>> OKAY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT!

>> STOP, STOP, STOP. I'VE BEEN HERE OUT HERE ALL NIGHT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO -- CHEER FOR ME.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT AM I DOING HERE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, A WOMAN HAS A 13 POUND BABY

AND THAT'S THE BEST YOU DO.

>> YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER. >> OH, I KNOW I CAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, IT'S TIME FOR A GOOD OLD FASHION

WEEKEND UPDATE JOKE-OFF.

>> WEEKEND UPDATE JOKE-OFF.

MY FIRST WIFE AND MY SECOND WIFE, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU.

>> OKAY. I THINK WE ALL KNOW THE RULES. >> UH-HUH.

>> OR NOT. ONE MORE TIME, I'LL JUST SET IT UP FOR US.

A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A HOSPITAL RECORD

AFTER GIVING BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY AND GO.

>> A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY

WHICH WAS SO BIG HE SLAPPED THE DOCTOR ON HIS A-SS.

>> A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY

AND THE NEW BABY'S NAME IS AH!

A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY,

DAMN, DID SHE GIVE BIRTH TO IT OR DID IT DRIVE OUT?

>> HERE IS A FUN FACT, SECOND THE BABY WAS OUT

THE WOMAN ZIPPED AROUND THE ROOM LIKE A DEFLATED BALLOON.

A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE GAVE BIRTH TO A SP POUND BABY

BECAUSE IT'S TENNESSEE AND THE BABY WAS ALSO PREGNANT.

A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY.

THE BABY'S NICKNAME IS MAGICIAN

BECAUSE IT BASICALLY SAWED HIS MOTHER IN HALF.

>> BUZZER SOUND.

A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A HOSPITAL RECORD

AFTER GIVING BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY

AND THEN SHE BROKE OFF HER HUSBAND'S PENIS

TO MAKE SURE IT NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN.

>> A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE GAVE BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY.

THE DOCTOR SAID IT'S A BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY, BOY.

>> A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A HOSPITAL RECORD

AFTER GIVING BIRTH TO 13 POUND BABY

THE LUCID VAGINA

THAT WAS PREVIOUSLY HELD BY ME.

>> YOU WON. >> YEAH, WE WON.

>> DID YOU?

>> "WEEKEND UPDATE JOKE-OFF"

FOR WEEKEND UPDATE I'M COLIN JOST.

SETH

>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.

GOOD

LIEBERMAN ATTORNEYS AT LAW.

>> WERE YOU RECENTLY INJURED IN AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT.

>> THE INSURANCE COMPANY DENY YOUR CLAIM?

IF SO, CALL BILLSON AND LIEBERMAN

WITH A COMBINED 50 YEARS OF LEGAL EXPERIENCE,

WE KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE INSURANCE GUYS PAY.

JUST ASK OUR CLIENTS.

>> WHEN I WAS HIT BY A CAR,

BILLSON AND LIEBERMAN GOT ME $50,000.

>> I COULDN'T WORK AFTER MY ACCIDENT BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO.

BILLSON AND LIEBERMAN GOT ME PAID.

>> LOOK, EXPERIENCE MATTERS.

>> AND WITH THE COMBINED 50 YEARS OF LEGAL EXPERIENCE, THE CHOICE IS CLEAR.

NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN A WRECK, CALL --

>> NOT SO FAST!

>>> I'M LACHLAN MULCHBURGER.

AND WITH 75 YEARS OF LEGAL EXPERIENCE, JUST BY MYSELF,

I MAKE BILLSON AND LIEBERMAN LOOK LIKE SLICK NEWBORN BABIES.

I'M LACHLAN MULCHBURGER.

I'M JACKED. I'M OLD AS HELL

AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU! JUST ASK MY CLIENTS.

>> WE'RE AN INTERRACIAL HOMOSEXUAL COUPLE.

>> SO AS YOU CAN IMAGINE LACHLAN MULCHBURGER SAID SOME PRETTY CRAZY STUFF TO US.

>> BUT HE DID GET US OVER $200,000, SO WE COOL WITH IT.

>> IF YOU'RE HURT, YOU WANT THE MOST EXPERIENCED LAWYER AROUND.

AND WITH 75 YEARS OF IT, THAT'S ME. LACHLAN MULCHBURGER.

>> NOT SO FAST. >> WHAT!

>> GREETINGS. WE'RE THE DRABBLE SISTERS.

AND WE HAVE A COMBINED 240 YEARS OF LEGAL EXPERIENCE.

>> TO US, IT'S PERSONAL.

80 YEARS AGO OUR HUSBANDS WERE KILLED IN A VEHICULAR ACCIDENT

INVOLVING A JAPANESE PLANE AND AN AMERICAN BATTLESHIP.

RIGHT, TALLULAH? >> ME!

>> DON'T TAKE IT FROM US.

JUST ASK ONE OF OUR SATISFIED CLIENTS.

>> THE DRABBLE SISTERS GOT ME OVER $500,000.

WHICH WAS SURPRISING CONSIDERING ONE OF THEM

THOUGHT I WAS HER DEAD DAUGHTER EVERYDAY.

>> SO IF YOU'RE HURT, CALL US,

THE MOST EXPERIENCED LEGAL TEAM.

>> NOT SO FAST! CLONES ACTIVATE.

WE ARE BILLSON, BILLSON, BILLSON, BILLSON

AND LIEBERMAN, LIEBERMAN, LIEBERMAN, LIEBERMAN.

WE CLONED OURSELVES FOUR TIMES TO MAXIMIZE OUR LEGAL EXPERIENCE.

NOW WITH 300 YEARS OF TOTAL EXPERIENCE!

>> NOT SO FAST!

LACHLAN MULCHBURGER AGAIN.

AND MY JACK OLD ASS JUST MERGED WITH TURTLETAUB AND SHELBY,

WE TORTUOUSES AT LAW.

THE THREE OF US HAVE OVER 400 YEARS OF COMBINED LEGAL EXPERIENCE.

THIS LITTLE BITCH WAS ON THE MAYFLOWER.

SO NOW WE ARE BY FAR THE MOST EXPERIENCED LEGAL TEAM.

>> NOT SO FAST!

I WANT TO REPRESENT YOU.

HI, I'M DRACULAW.

I ALSO HAVE 400 YEARS OF LEGAL EXPERIENCE.

BUT THANKS TO MY NEW PARTNERS.

WE HAVE A COMBINED 400 YEARS

AND 9 MONTHS OF LEGAL EXPERIENCE.

>> NO!

>> NOT SO FAST.

DO NOT BE AFRAID.

IT IS I, IDRISIL THE EVER TREE.

THE WELLSPRING OF ALL LIFE,

FROM MY BRANCHS FLOW THE DEW DROPS OF TIME.

AND IF YOU'VE BEEN INJURED IN A CAR ACCIDENT, I'LL GET YOU PAID.

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. JUST ASK ONE OF MY CLIENTS.

SO I'M DOWN AT CYPRESS, RIGHT?

ZEUS

AND I'M OUT IN THE FORM OF A SWAN,

LOOKING FOR SOME STRANGE, LIKE I DO.

WHEN I GOT HIT WITH A CART FULL OF ORNATE CLAY POTS.

DRAHMAS

THANK YOU,

# INJURY ATTORNEY,

TIME IS AN

AGAIN

Some Protector

# IT'S CLOSING TIME AND I'M LEAVING

YOU'RE HOLDING ON TO SOMEONE NEW #

# ARE YOU STILL PICKING UP THE PIECES

AM I STILL WORRIED ABOUT YOU #

# WHY YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL #

# YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

BE SOME PROTECTOR #

# HOLDING ON FROM A DISTANCE

I'D NEVER WANNA INTRUDE #

# DOES HE LOVE YOU ANY DIFFERENT

AM I STILL SOUNDING LIKE A FOOL #

WHY YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

BE SOME PROTECTOR

BE SOME PROTECTOR

TO YA ##

GUILTY SORRY

MISS PARTY

AM I DRAGGING THIS FOREVER #

# AM I THINKING 'BOUT SEPTEMBER #

# AM I WRECKING REPUTATION

WHILE YOU'RE MAKING RESERVATIONS #

# AM I LYING TO MY MOTHER

THAT SOMEDAY I'LL FIND ANOTHER #

# YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

# AND I ALWAYS WILL #

>>> EAT UP, KIDS. I MADE MY FAMOUS RICE AND SPAGHETTI.

>> WELL, SHOULDN'T WE MATE FOR MOM, OR LET ME GUESS --

>> YOUR MOTHER IS OUT.

>> AGAIN? THIS IS CRAZY.

SHE'S HAVING LIKE A TOTAL MID LIFE CRISIS.

KIDS, IT'S JUST A PHASE. FIRST IT WAS PICKLEBALL.

THEN 3D PRINTING COSTUME JEWELRY.

>> I DON'T KNOW. THIS FEELS DIFFERENT.

>> OH, HEY, MOM.

>> HEY. WHAT!

>> DAD MADE DINNER, OKAY.

>> I'M NOT HUNGRY. I'M GOING TO MY ROOM.

>> SIT DOWN. WE NEED TO TALK.

>> OH MY GOD!

>> SO. WHERE WERE YOU TONIGHT? >> NOWHERE.

>> AND WHO WERE YOU WITH? >> NO ONE.

>> DAD, ARE YOU GOING TO SAY SOMETHING?

>> KIDS, IT'S OKAY TO TRY NEW THINGS.

AFTERALL, YOUR MOM SUPPORTED ME WHEN I BOUGHT THAT VESPA.

LET HER VAPE.

>> YOU'RE VAPING NOW?

>> IT'S BUBBLE GUM MINT, BITCH.

>> MOM, WE KNOW IT'S A WEIRD TIME FOR YOU

AND YOUR BODY IS CHANGING.

SO WE GOT YOU THIS BOOK.

WHEN A PERIOD BECOMES A COMMA. GUIDE TO PERIMENOPAUSE.

>> YOU'RE SO EMBARRASSING. DON'T TALK ABOUT MY BODY.

>> KID, YOUR MOTHER'S CHANGING BODY IS BETWEEN HER

AND THE GIRL AT CLAIRE'S WHO PIERCED HER AREOLAS.

GOD

>> I DON'T NEED THIS ATTITUDE AT HOME.

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU I'M GETTING BULLIED AT SCHOOL?

>> YOU'RE THE SUPERINTENDENT.

>> DAVID, GET THE DOOR.

>> IS EILEEN HOME?

>> WHAT UP, SKANKS. I TOLD YOU TO WAIT FOR ME DOWN THE BLOCK.

>> WE'RE GOING TO SIT ON THE SWINGS AND WATCH ANIME.

>> THIS IS YOUR HOUSE? >> IT SUCKS HERE.

LITERALLY EVERYBODY IS WHITE.

>> MOM, COME ON.

>> OH, SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT UP!

>> HELLO. HI, LINDA.

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

NO, EVERYTHING IS FINE. IT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

YEAH, OKAY. WELL, I WILL GET THAT HVAC FIXED

BECAUSE IT IS IMPORTANT TO ME AS WELL.

OKAY. HAVE A GREAT DAY.

WORK SUCKS AND THEN YOU DIE!

LET'S MOSH!

>> OKAY! EVERYBODY OUT!

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> NOT YOU, DAD. >> SORRY.

>> MOM, WE GET WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

>> OH, REALLY! TRY LIVING ONE DAY IN MY TWISTED REALITY.

RAISING TWO KIDS.

TAKING CARE OF MY AGING PARENTS.

LIFE IS A NIGHTMARE!

VISION BLURRY. NERVE PINCHED.

PELVIC FLOOR ON THE GROUND!

F MY LIFE!

I FORGOT MY ETSY PASSWORD.

HATE

>> I KNOW LIFE IS HARD, MOM. WE JUST MISS YOU.

>> LOOK, KIDS, I STILL AM YOUR MOM AND I LOVE THIS FAMILY.

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE I WAS TONIGHT,

GETTING A TATTOO OF US. >> REALLY?

>> SO I'LL ALWAYS HAVE YOU WITH ME.

THAT IS SO INFECTED.

>> LIFE IS PAIN!

>> ALL RIGHT, STUDENTS. TODAY IS OUR MASTER CLASS

WITH COMPOSERS FROM THE TELEVISION INDUSTRY.

THEY'VE MADE OPENING TITLE SONGS FOR SOME OF TODAY'S BIGGEST SHOWS.

PLEASE WELCOME, LEONARD MARGARITA AND LYDIA CALABASAS.

>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING US.

IT'S AN HONOR AND PRIVILEGE TO BE HERE AT JUILLIARD.

>> WE LOVE TALKING TO YOUNG COMPOSERS IN OVERTURE OF THEIR LIVES.

>> NICE.

SO, YOU GUYS MADE THE OPENING THEME FOR "SEVERANCE,"

ONE OF THE MOST ICONIC TITLE SONGS OF THE DECADE.

LET'S HEAR A LITTLE BIT.

>> HAUNTING STUFF.

I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO TELL US, WHERE DID IT START?

>> WELL, WE HAD SOME CONVERSATIONS ABOUT STORY

AND THE DARK TONE OF THE SHOW.

WE TOOK THAT AND WE MADE A FIRST DRAFT.

>> WELL, WE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR THAT FIRST DRAFT.

COULD YOU PLAY IT FOR US? >> CERTAINLY.

# LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A THING CALLED SEVERANCE #

>> TAKE A BIG KNIFE AND CUT YOUR BRAIN IN HALF #

- ONE HALF FOR WORK, - ONE HALF FOR SEX,

TUNE IN, SIT DOWN,

IT'S SEVERANCE #

>> ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?

>> YEAH. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS RESPECTFULLY.

SO, I GUESS I WON'T TRY. WHY DID YOU MAKE THAT?

>> THESE DAYS EVERY OPENING SONG IS A CREEPY, MOODY INSTRUMENTAL.

WHAT HAPPENED TO TELLING PEOPLE THE PLOT OF THE SHOW?

>> WHAT IS THE SHOW? WHERE IS THE SHOW?

SHE WAS WORKING AT A BRIDAL SHOP IN FLUSHING QUEENS.

AND BOOM. I'M TRANSPORTED TO THE NANNY.

>> BUT THAT'S NOT THE PLOT OF SEVERANCE.

THEY DON'T TAKE A BIG KNIFE AND CHOP YOUR BRAIN IN HALF.

>> ALSO YOU SAID ONE HALF FOR WORK. ONE HALF FOR SEX.

THAT'S NOT WHAT SEVERANCE IS.

>> PERMISSION TO USE CORPORAL PUNISHMENT ON HER?

>> UNFORTUNATELY NO.

YOU GUYS ALSO DID THE OPENING FOR "THE PITT."

TRULY HAUNTING.

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT THAT PROCESS.

>> WELL, IT WAS PRETTY STRAIGHT FORWARD.

THE PRODUCERS DESCRIBED A SHOW ABOUT THE TRAUMA

FACED BY E.R. WORKERS IN PITTSBURGH.

>> SO WE USED THAT AND CAME ONE THIS.

# PITTSBURGH IS THE PLACE TO BE #

# BRIDGES AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE #

# A BRIDGE, A BRIDGE, A BRIDGE A BRIDGE #

# WELCOME TO "THE PITT" #

>>> ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ON THAT?

>> DOES "THE PITT" EVEN HAVE AN OPENING THEME.

>> UH, AFTER THEY HEARD WHAT WE DID, NO?

>> WHY DO THESE ALL SOUND LIKE THE FRESH PRINCE OF BELL AIR?

>> OH, TEACH, PLEASE LET ME PUT BELT TO ASS.

>> I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE SAYING STUFF.

>> WE ACTUALLY DID MAKE THE FRESH PRINCE SONG.

AND HERE IS WHAT THE FIRST DRAFT OF THAT SOUNDED LIKE.

>> WAIT. HOLD ON. SO THAT ONE STARTED AS A SERIOUS INSTRUMENTAL?

>> I HAVE TO SAY, YOUR GUY'S BEST WORK WAS THE OPENING THEME FOR "THE GILDED AGE"

A SHOW ABOUT NEW YORK IN THE 1880s. LET'S HEAR A LITTLE BIT OF THAT.

>> YEAH THAT GAVE US A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE.

SO WE BROUGHT IN OUR MENTOR - OTTIS

>> INDEED. INDEED. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW SOME LOVE AND SHOW YOU OUR FIRST DRAFT.

THE THEME SONG IS LOADING.

# IN THE YEAR 2153 #

# IN FORMATION DOMINATION #

TITANIUM

ROBOT

# THE GILDED AGE #

>> I'LL TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS NOW.

>> SO RIGHT OFF THE BAT, THE GILDED AGE ISN'T THE YEAR 2153.

>> CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HIT THE GIRL SITTING IN FRONT OF HIM.

>> I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING.

BUT I DO HAVE ONE MORE QUESTION.

>> IT BETTER BE GOOD.

>> MY QUESTION IS, I JUST WOULD REALLY LOVE

TO HEAR THE SEVERANCE SONG AGAIN.

# LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A THING CALLED SEVERANCE #

THEY TAKE A BIG KNIFE CUT YOUR BRAIN IN HALF.

# ONE HALF FOR WORK, ONE HALF FOR SEX,

SIT DOWN, SEVERANCE #

ROLE

SETH MEYERS. CHARLIE XCS.

LIFE

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO MY PARENTS.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I LOVE YOU ALL.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME BACK AGAIN. IT'S ALWAYS A DREAM OF A LIFE TIME TO BE HERE.

THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT!

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