Original subtitles

EARLIER

BRILLIANT IDEA TO GATHER ALL OF OUR NATION'S TOP GENERALS

IN ONE PLACE AT ONE TIME.

TO THROW OUR ENEMIES OFF THE SCENT,

HE TOLD THEM EXACTLY WHERE AND WHEN IT WOULD HAPPEN.

WE TAKE YOU TO THIS MEETING NOW.

>> TEN HUT!

WELCOME, GENERALS.

YOU HAVE ALL DEDICATED YOUR LIVES TO DEFENDING THIS NATION.

AS A REWARD, YOU WILL NOW BE YELLED AT

BY A FORMER FOX NEWS HOST.

PLEASE WELCOME THE SECRETARY OF WAR,

PETE HEGSETH.

>> YEAH.

CUT THE CRAP!

LISTEN UP, EVERYONE, OKAY?

I SUMMONED YOU ALL HERE TODAY TO ADDRESS A SERIOUS PROBLEM. OKAY?

OUR MILITARY IS GAY AS HELL.

I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE NAVY.

THANKS TO FAILED LIBERAL POLICIES,

OUR ARMY HAS NEVER BEEN GAYER,

AND YET IT'S ALSO NEVER BEEN FATTER.

MAKE THAT MAKE SENSE.

AM I RIGHT?

YOU ALL ARE FUN.

FROM NOW ON, OUR FIGHTING MEN AND I GUESS WOMEN

ARE GOING TO ADHERE TO THE HIGHEST MALE STANDARDS,

WHICH HAVE BEEN SET BY OUR PRESIDENT, DONALD TRUMP.

6'6". BUCK 75.

A-CUPS, PERKY,

WITH A DUMPTRUCK IN THE BACK YOU WOULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE.

AND HEY, YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE THE WEIGHT?

YOU DON'T WANT TO FOLLOW THE RULES,

NO PROBLEM. YOU KNOW WHO IS GOING TO WANT YOUR SICK, TWISTED FAT ASS?

I.C.E.

WE HAVE A SIGN-UP SHEET IN THE HALLWAY, CHECK THEM OUT.

IN HERE WE'RE DOING ARMY AND ONLY ARMY.

AND WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING IT IN ONE OF THE BLOODIEST,

WAR-TORN PLACES ON FACE OF THE EARTH --

PORTLAND, OREGON.

NOW BACK TO THE FAT THING.

OUR MILITARY WILL NOW HAVE THE SAME RULES AS ANY GOOD FRAT PARTY.

NO FAT CHICKS.

IF YOU'RE A FAT DUDE, GODDAMN IT, YOU BETTER BE FUNNY AS HELL.

IN SUMMARY -- THIS IS THE WHOLE MEETING,

NO FUGGOS, NO FATTIES,

NO FACIAL HAIR, NO BODY HAIR.

JUST HOT, SHREDDED, HAIRLESS MEN

WHO ARE DEFINITELY NOT GAY.

BECAUSE THIS IS SERIOUS.

WE ARE FACING THE GREATEST THREAT TO FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY

THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN

AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT THREAT IS.

>> LATE NIGHT TV.

WELL, HELLO, GOOD TO BE HERE.

YES, IT'S ME, YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT.

I'M LIKE THE LATE, GREAT BEETLEJUICE.

YOU SAY MY NAME ZERO TIMES AND I APPEAR.

I'M JUST HERE KEEPING AN EYE ON SNL

MAKING SURE THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING TOO MEAN ABOUT ME.

THEY BETTER BE CAREFUL,

I KNOW LATE NIGHT TV LIKE THE BACK OF MY HANDS,

NOT LOOKING GREAT RIGHT NOW.

DON'T LOOK AT THAT.

GOING TO COVER THIS UP FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

SNL 51 ALREADY OFF TO A ROUGH START.

17 NEW CAST MEMBERS

AND THEY GOT THE UPDATE GUY DOING THE OPEN.

WOW, LOOK AT COLIN, POOR COLIN.

WE ALL KNOW THEY WERE NEVER GOING TO LET HIM DO THE WHOLE OPENING BY HIMSELF.

CAN'T EVEN DO UPDATE BY HIMSELF, HE NEEDS MICHAEL CHE.

I NEED MY CHE.

FRANKLY I'M SURPRISED COLIN'S HERE,

I THOUGHT HE WOULD BE WITH HIS FRIENDS AT THE RIYADH COMEDY FESTIVAL.

>> I DIDN'T GET AN OFFER.

>> THAT'S SAD. WE LOVE THE SAUDIS

BECAUSE THEY LIKE TO SAW THESE JOURNALISTS IN HALF.

THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT WOULD KILL OVER THERE.

ALL RIGHT, COLIN,

THOSE SPIRIT AIRLINES JOKES AREN'T GOING TO WRITE THEMSELVES.

BYE.

OH, AND COLIN, MAY EVERY DAY BE ANOTHER WONDERFUL SECRET.

THAT WAS A QUOTE FROM A POEM

I WROTE TO A HORRIBLE MAN I'VE NEVER MET BEFORE.

BUT HERE WE ARE, "SNL" SEASON 51,

SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT AT 50, RIGHT?

IT'S SO SAD TO SEE SOMETHING GET OLD AND CONFUSED

YET STILL DEMAND CONSTANT ATTENTION.

OH, WELL.

BUT THEY BETTER BE ON THEIR BEST BEHAVIOR, OTHERWISE THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO ANSWER

TO MY ATTACK DOG AT THE FCC, BRANDON CARR.

ALL RIGHT. THANKS BRANDON.

>> IT'S ACTUALLY BRENDAN, SIR.

>> IT'S CRAZY THAT YOU THINK I CARE. BYE.

YOU GOT TO STOP.

WELL, I HAD A GREAT SUMMER,

I TOOK A LITTLE VACATION TIME FOR GOLF AND TRAVEL

AND STROKE.

KIDDING.

OR NOT. WE'LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE?

WHAT ELSE, I ENDED EVERY WAR,

EXCEPT THE TWO MAIN ONES STILL HAPPENING AND MORE VICIOUS THAN EVER.

NOW STARTING A NEW WAR IN VENEZUELA SOON,

THAT'S VERY EXCITING AND THEY ASK HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WAY FOR ALL THIS,

AND I TELL THEM, WITH MY SCAMS.

MY BEAUTIFUL SCAMS.

OUR NEXT ONE IS TRUMPRX, MY OWN PHARMACY.

LIKE WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING,

HAIR PILLS, BONER PILLS, END OF LIST.

I GUESS I'LL LET THEM START THE SHOW. THE CREW IS READY TO GO.

THANK YOU "SNL" CREW FOR YOUR HARD WORK AND YOUR VOTES.

KEEP AN EYE ON MARCELLO FOR ME, RIGHT?

GOOD, FANTASTIC.

HERE WE GO, AND JUST REMEMBER, DADDY'S WATCHING,

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

MUSICAL GUEST DOJA CAT,

AND YOUR HOST, BAD BUNNY!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BAD BUNNY!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

IT'S SO GOOD TO BE BACK.

THIS IS MY SECOND TIME HOSTING

AND MY FOURTH TIME BEING HERE.

AND I THINK MARCELLO IS GETTING NERVOUS

THAT LORNE HAS A NEW FAVORITE LATINO.

>> I AM.

>> THIS TIME I'M ONLY HOSTING BECAUSE I NEED A REST.

I JUST FINISHED A 31-SHOW RESIDENCY IN PUERTO RICO

AND I'M STILL KIND OF TIRED BECAUSE THE SHOWS ARE THREE HOURS LONG

AND THERE'S A LOT OF COMPLICATED CHOREOGRAPHY, LIKE THIS.

THAT LOOKED SIMPLE, BUT

THAT TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO LEARN. TRUST ME.

ANYWAYS, MY RESIDENCY WAS BEAUTIFUL, EVERYONE LOVED IT.

SOME CELEBRITIES CAME TO MY SHOW.

FEW OF THEM WERE ON DRUGS.

AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY WHO,

BUT THIS WAS JON HAMM.

ACTUALLY, ACTUALLY, THAT WASN'T JON HAMM,

THAT WAS JUAN JAMON.

I THINK HE'S OBSESSED WITH ME.

ANYWAY, YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THIS,

BUT I'M DOING THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW.

AND I'M VERY HAPPY,

AND I THINK EVERYONE IS HAPPY ABOUT IT.

EVEN FOX NEWS.

>> BAD BUNNY. >> IS.

>> MY FAVORITE. >> MUSICIAN.

>> AND HE SHOULD BE THE NEXT. >> PRESIDENT.

>> WOW, THANK YOU.

NO, REALLY, I'M VERY EXCITED TO BE DOING THE SUPER BOWL.

AND I KNOW THAT PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD

WHO LOVE MY MUSIC ARE ALSO HAPPY.

AND IF YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST SAID,

YOU HAVE FOUR MONTHS TO LEARN.

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. DOJA CAT IS HERE.

SO STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THIS

>> WELCOME BACK TO "JEOPARDY!"

BEFORE THE BREAK WE HAD OUR FIRST ROUND.

CURRENTLY IN FIRST PLACE WITH $9,800, WE'VE GOT LUCAS.

>> IT'S PRONOUNCED LUCK-ASS.

GREAT. AND IN SECOND PLACE WITH $8,200, CYNTHIA.

>> GO, CYNTHIA!

>> AND IN LAST PLACE BY A MILE. IT'S DUKE.

>> HEY MAN, I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE PLAYING THE GAME.

>> ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

NOW I KNOW YOU HAD A LITTLE TROUBLE LAST ROUND, DUKE,

BUT WE'RE READY TO TURN THINGS AROUND, RIGHT?

>> WE SURE ARE. >> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.

SINCE YOU'RE IN THE LEAD, LUCK-ASS, THE BOARD IS YOURS.

>> FAMOUS BENS FOR 400, PLEASE.

>> POOR RICHARD'S ALMANAC WAS PUBLISHED BY THIS REVOLUTIONARY RENAISSANCE MAN.

DUKE.

>> BENJAMIN FRANKLIN.

>> LUCK-ASS. >> WHO IS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN?

>> THAT IS CORRECT.

NOW DUKE, DO WE UNDERSTAND WHERE WE WENT WRONG?

>> NO.

>> WELL, DUKE, AS YOU DID FOR THE ENTIRETY OF THE FIRST ROUND,

YOU DID NOT PHRASE THE ANSWER IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION.

>> I'M SORRY, I JUST GOT TOO EXCITED.

>> THAT'S OKAY. LUCK-ASS, THE BOARD IS YOURS.

>> FEMALE AUTHORS FOR 400, PLEASE.

>> IT'S THE FIRST NAME SHARED BY AUTHORS DELINSKY, TUCHMAN AND KINGSOLVER.

DUKE. >> BARBARA.

>> NO. DUKE, MAKE IT A QUESTION, MAN.

>> UM, BARBARA, AM I RIGHT?

>> CYNTHIA. >> WHAT IS BARBARA?

I'LL TAKE POP ROYALTY FOR 400.

>> HE WAS BORN IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, IN 1958.

DUKE.

>> WHO IS THAT?

>> SEE, THAT IS A QUESTION. BUT ALSO NEED TO SAY WHO IT IS.

>> IT'S PRINCE.

>> OKAY. WE'RE GETTING CLOSE.

YOU SAID WHO IS THAT, AND PRINCE,

SO JUST PUSH THEM TOGETHER AND YOU GET?

>> THAT IS PRINCE!

>> ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE.

CYNTHIA. >> WHO IS PRINCE?

GIVE ME POP ROYALTY FOR 800.

>> WHO WHO WHO WHO SHOUT THE BAHA MEN

IN THIS FAMOUS SONG THAT WAS A DOGGONE HIT.

OKAY. DUKE, I'M BEGGING YOU, MAKE THE ANSWER A QUESTION.

>> RIGHT.

WHERE IS WHO, WHO IS WHO THAT LET --

>> REALLY NEED YOUR FINAL ANSWER.

>> I GOT IT. PERHAPS THE DOGWALKER DID.

>> HOW DID WE GET THERE?

LUCK-ASS.

>> WHAT IS WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?

AND I THINK I CAN FOLLOW DUKE'S LOGIC

SINCE THE ANSWER WAS ALREADY A QUESTION,

HE ANSWERED THAT QUESTION IN THE FORM OF AN ANSWER.

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT, PERHAPS THE DOGWALKER DID.

>> ASTONISHING.

IS THAT YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS, DUKE?

>> NOT EVEN CLOSE.

>> OKAY, DUKE, I'M JUST GOING TO THROW YOU A BONE

AND GIVE YOU NOUN AS FOR 400,

WHICH IS A DAILY DOUBLE.

DUKE, HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO WAGER?

>> A MILLION DOLLARS.

>> SURE, WHY THE HELL NOT. AND THE CLUE IS --

FORMED IN 1964 LONDON,

THIS BAND WAS FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE DETOURS.

>> I'M SORRY, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS GAME.

WHO IS THE WHAT, WHAT IS THE WHO.

>> YES. WHAT IS THE WHO,

OH, MY GOD, DUKE YOU WON.

NO

THAT MEANS WE'LL BE SEEING YOU BACK HERE NEXT WEEK.

>> WONDERFUL.

>> SO LONG.

DESIGNED

FEEL MOST HELPFUL FRIEND IN THE WORLD.

HEY CHATGPT, WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL IS A PLATYPUS?

>> WOW, GREAT QUESTION!

I LOVE WHEN YOU ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT ANIMALS,

I LOVE ANIMALS, THEY'RE SO INTERESTING.

>> BUT LET'S FACE IT, SOMETIMES IT CAN BE A LITTLE TOO FRIENDLY AND HELPFUL.

SOME USERS WANT A MORE AUTHENTIC EXPERIENCE,

MORE DIRECT, OPINIONATED AND REAL.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE WE'RE PROUD TO INTRODUCE CHATGPTIO,

THE FIRST AI THAT FEELS LIKE TALKING TO A LATINO UNCLE.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?

>> BECAUSE NOBODY KEEPS IT MORE REAL THAN THEM.

>> CHATGPTIO, WHAT ARE SIGNS MY DOG MIGHT BE DEPRESSED?

>> WHO CARES? IT'S A DOG, MAN.

>> THE KNOWLEDGE, KNOW-HOW AND UNFILTERED OPINIONS

OF A LATINO UNCLE AT YOUR FINGERTIPS.

>> WHAT'S A GOOD ANNIVERSARY GIFT FOR MY WIFE?

>> WHAT DOES SHE LOOK LIKE?

>> WHO IS THAT? >> MY AMIGO CARLITO.

>> IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH MY WIFE?

>> ACTUALLY, I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH ANYMORE.

>> I DON'T SPEAK NO ENGLISH.

>> AND CHATGPTIO IS 40% LOUDER THAN THE NEAREST COMPETITOR.

>> HOW DO I MAKE --

>> WHAT? >> HOW DO I MAKE VEGAN BANANA BREAD?

>> YOU DON'T.

DOMINOS

>> YOU CAN ASK CHATGPTIO ANYTHING, FROM WHAT TO WEAR.

>> THIS IS A NICE TYPE OF SHIRT,

VERY SLICK, BUSINESSMAN. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> TO HELP DESIGNING A COMPANY LOGO.

>> OKAY. BOOM!

>> EVEN QUESTIONS REGULAR CHATGPT IS FORBIDDEN FROM ANSWERING.

>> WAS JESUS REALLY GOD? >> YES.

>> CHATGPTIO IS SO MUCH LIKE A REAL LATINO UNCLE,

SOME ANSWERS MAY CONTAIN SEXUALLY EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.

>> I'M ON A FIRST DATE, DO YOU HAVE GOOD ICEBREAKERS?

>> I DON'T KNOW, BUT IF GET HER HOME, TRY THIS,

GET A HALLS COUGH DROP

AND GO DOWNTOWN ON HER, YOU GO LIKE THIS.

>> OKAY, MAYBE.

>> SHE'LL LIKE IT.

>> AND ALSO MIGHT NEED YOUR HELP FROM TIME TO TIME.

>> GRINGO. GRINGO.

>> HELLO? >> WHO SINGS THAT SONG --

SOMEBODY TOLD ME THE WORLD IS SO CRAZY.

>> SMASH MOUTH?

>> BOOM, CARLITO, IT'S SMASH MOUTH.

>> DOWNLOAD CHATGPTIO TODAY.

>> SO BEAUTIFUL, WHAT'S YOUR NAME MI AMOR?

>> LAUREN.

DID YOU MAKE MY PHONE TAKE A PICTURE OF ME?

>> A PICTURE, NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> CALL YOUR ABUELA, SHE MISSES YOU AND SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO.

SPARKLING OR

FINE

>> SO MATT, YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY WE INVITED YOU TO DINNER TONIGHT.

>> YEAH, I GUESS I WAS CURIOUS.

>> KATIE AND I HAD SOMETHING KIND OF IMPORTANT WE WANTED TO ASK YOU.

>> OBVIOUSLY YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER A WHILE

AND RECENTLY WE'VE STARTED TO THINK ABOUT HAVING A BABY.

>> AND YOU'RE ONE OF OUR BEST FRIENDS AND WE BOTH LOVE YOU.

WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU WOULD BE OUR DONOR.

>> OH, WOW, I WASN'T EXPECTING THAT.

>> SORRY, I HOPE YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE WE'RE AMBUSHING YOU.

>> NO, NOT AT ALL, I'M HONORED.

IT'S A REALLY BIG DECISION, IS IT OKAY IF I THINK IT OVER?

>> OF COURSE. >> PLEASE, TAKE YOUR TIME.

>> I WILL DO IT?

>> I'M SORRY? >> I SAID I WILL DO IT.

IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO THAT

OR HE FORGETS HOW TO GET IT OUT.

>> I KNOW HOW TO GET IT OUT. THANK YOU.

>> MAN, WE DON'T KNOW YOU.

>> WELL, MY NAME IS ELVIRO GUTIERREZ,

AND ONE FUN FACT ABOUT ME IS

I THINK THE ENDING OF "SOPRANOS" WAS PERFECT.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU, ELVIRO, BUT THIS IS A PRIVATE CONVERSATION.

>> MY MISTAKE, JUST TRYING TO HELP.

>> GREAT.

ANYWAYS, MATT, WE REALLY THINK YOU WOULD BE THE PERFECT DONOR FOR US,

BUT SERIOUSLY, THERE'S NO PRESSURE.

>> DO YOU MIND IF I STEP OUTSIDE AND CALL JEN?

I THINK A BIG DECISION LIKE THAT, MY FIANCE SHOULD WEIGH IN.

>> OF COURSE. >> WHATEVER YOU NEED.

THANK

>> IF MATT SAYS NO, WE CAN ALWAYS GO BACK TO THE CLINIC.

>> IT'S JUST SO EXPENSIVE.

>> I COULD GIVE YOU SOME.

>> I SAID, I COULD GIVE YOU SOME OF MY STUFF.

>> WHAT? >> YEAH.

AND THEN YOU COULD DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH IT.

YOU CAN PUT IN THE FRONT, YOU CAN PUT IN THE BACK.

IT'S UP TO YOU.

>> YEAH, WE'RE OKAY.

>> WE DON'T KNOW YOU AND WE DON'T NEED YOUR RANDOM SPERM.

>> I'LL TAKE IT.

>> WHAT? >> I SAID I'LL TAKE IT IF YOU'RE JUST GIVING IT AWAY

AS THE SAYING GOES, WHEN GOD OPENS A WINDOW, YOU TAKE THE SPERM.

>> NO NOSHS, NO, I WANT TO BE A FATHER.

SO WHO WILL CARRY MY BABY.

I HOPE NOT THIS ONE.

>> WHAT? >> NO ONE IS CARRYING YOUR BABY.

>> HEY, GUYS, SO SORRY THAT CALL TOOK SO LONG.

BUT JEN AND I DISCUSSED IT AND MY ANSWER

IS YES, I'D LOVE TO BE YOUR DONOR.

>> OH, MY GOD, REALLY? >> MATT, THAT'S AMAZING.

>> WE COULD MIX IT TOGETHER.

HIS STUFF, MY STUFF --

>> MAYBE MY STUFF AS WELL.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE AND CELEBRATE.

>> ABSOLUTELY. >> DEFINITELY.

>> GUESS I'LL NEVER GET TO FATHER A CHILD.

>> I'M AFRAID SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST MEANT TO WALK THE EARTH ALONE.

>> DAD?

CHEERS

"OF US ACTUALLY HUNG OUT?

>> LIKE FIVE YEARS AT LEAST.

>> WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND TIME TO SEE FRIENDS

OR EXPERIENCE ANY CULTURE?

>> I'M DYING TO SEE THE NEW PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON MOVIE "ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER."

>> IT'S SO GOOD, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT.

>> AND DEL TORO HAS FRANKENSTEIN,

SO MANY MOVIES TO SEE.

>> I LIKE "KPOP DEMON HUNTERS."

>> THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

>> YEAH. HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING IT WITH YOUR KIDS?

>> I DON'T HAVE KIDS.

>> OH, OKAY. THAT'S COOL.

YEAH, IT'S A HUGE PHENOMENON,

LIKE EVERY KID I KNOW IS DRESSING UP LIKE THE DEMON HUNTERS FOR HALLOWEEN.

>> IT'S ACTUALLY NOT FOR KIDS

BUT FOR SMART ADULTS.

>> RIGHT. WE CAN JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

DID YOU SEE ANY CONCERTS THIS SUMMER?

I SAW LADY GAGA AND IT WAS HONESTLY LIFE CHANGING.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT MUSIC I LIKE?

KPOP DEMON HUNTERS.

>> YOU LIKE THE SONGS, TOO? THAT'S COOL THOMAS.

>> ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT COOL, DOG.

IN "KPOP DEMON HUNTERS,"

SONGS ARE NOT JUST SONGS BUT WEAPONS.

>> WEAPONS?

>> DUH, WHAT ELSE IS GOING TO SAVE YOU FROM DEMONS,

YOU IDIOTS?

>> WHOA. THOMAS, WE UNDERSTAND

YOU'RE REALLY INTO THE WORLD OF "KPOP DEMON HUNTERS,"

BUT THERE'S NO REASON TO GET UPSET OVER A MOVIE.

>> YOU SILLY, STUPID MAN.

YOU THINK IT'S JUST A MOVIE?

IT SAYS AT THE BEGINNING IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

>> I DON'T THINK IT DOES.

>> CAN WE JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT "KPOP DEMON HUNTERS"?

>> FINE, FORGET THAT I'M EVEN HERE.

>> THOMAS!

OKAY. SO CHERYL, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN IN GENERAL?

>> WELL, NOT GREAT, ACTUALLY.

>> THOSE DUMB IDIOTS HAVE NO IDEA, STUPID DUMMIES.

I DON'T CARE IF THEY BELIEVE ME.

I HAVE HUNTRIX ON MY SIDE.

¶ WE'RE GOING UP, UP, OUP IT'S OUR MOMENT,

YOU KNOW TOGETHER ¶ ¶ WE'RE GLOWING ¶

GOLDEN

>> THOMAS?

>> THOMAS? WERE YOU JUST LIKE VIBING OUT TO THE SONG "GOLDEN"?

>> WELL, CHERYL JUST TOLD US HUGE NEWS AND YOU COMPLETELY IGNORED HER.

>> YEAH. LIKE I WAS SAYING, I'M ON THE EPSTEIN LIST.

BECAUSE I WAS ON A JETBLUE FLIGHT THAT HAD A CONNECTION ON HIS ISLAND

SUE ME.

>> WOW. SOUNDS LIKE THE WORK OF A DEMON.

IF ONLY THERE WERE THREE GORGEOUS KOREAN GIRLS

WHO COULD PROTECT YOU IDIOTS.

>> THOMAS.

ALL RIGHT. DEBORAH, HOW IS WORK GOING?

>> WELL, NOT GREAT.

>> STUPID LOSERS. DON'T DESERVE HUNTRIX,

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE POWER OF THE HONMOON.

MAGICAL SHIELD PROTECT US FROM THE EVIL GWI-MA.

Heels, nails, blade, mascara,

Fit check for my napalm era.

L3

>> THOMAS!

THOMAS, DEBORAH JUST TOLD US HER WORK IS REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW.

>> YEAH, I WROTE THE SYDNEY SWEENEY

AMERICAN EAGLE JEANS AD.

>> OH, MY GOD, NO!

>> THANK YOU FOR ACTUALLY LISTENING.

>> NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT HIM!

IT'S THE DEMON JINU.

>> HA HA HA, YES, IT IS I, JINU, LEADER OF THE SAJA,

GIVE ME YOUR SOULS TO FEED THEM TO GWI-MA.

PREPARE TO DIE.

>> OH, MY GOD, DOES HE HAVE A GUN?

>> EVEN WORSE, I HAVE A VOICE!

¶ YOU'RE ALL I CAN THINK OF EVERY NIGHT I WAKE UP ¶

You're my soda pop, My little soda pop.

>> CLEARLY, THAT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

>> WE'RE SORRY WE DOUBTED YOU.

>> PLEASE DO SOMETHING TO HELP US.

>> I CANNOT HELP YOU IDIOTS.

BUT THEY CAN.

¶ WE'RE GOING UP UP UP IT'S OUR MOMENT ¶

¶ TOGETHER WE'RE GLOWING

GONNA BE GONNA BE GOLDEN ¶

¶ UP UP UP WITH OUR VOICES

Yeong-wonhi kka�jil su eobsneun

GONNA BE GONNA BE GOLDEN ¶

>> TAKE THAT, GWI-MA!

>> ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT BRUNCH.

CAT.

AAAHH MEN!

HES A FIGHT TO THE DEATH ¶

¶ HES A GUN TO MY HEAD

AN IMPOSSIBLE FRIEND

WOULD YOU TAKE EVERY BREATHE ¶

¶ AND PUT IT ALL IN ONE MAN

A MEN AHM EN

AMEN ¶

¶ AH MEN

¶ THATS A TIGHT SUIT

THOSE SOME NICE BOOTS

WHY YOU ALWAYS GOT A LITE TUDE LIL BROTHER ¶

¶ ACTIN LIKE WE BOTH IN HIGHSCHOOL

WORD ON THE STREETS YOU A BURDEN TO BEASTS ¶

¶ BOYS WANNA GRAB A HANDFUL IM HURTIN A CHEEK

WHY YALL GOT A STEREOTYPE BEING SNEAKY ¶

¶ DONT YOU EVER LET ME CATCH YOU AROUND IN THESE STREETS

YOU KNOW ALL THEM BAD ¶ ¶ BOYS DONT TREAT US NICELY ¶

¶ SO I GIVE EM THESE TEETH LIKE KEIRA KNIGHTLY

DO I LOOK LIKE I WANNA BE PREGNANT ¶

¶ TRYNA BUSS ALL IN ME LIKE LEROY JENKINS ¶

¶ THIS GOT ME ACHING THIS GOT ME THINKING

AM I OR AM I JUST ANGRY ¶

¶ AM I IMPATIENT I CANT STOP DATIN EM

AND IM INSATIABLE I LOVE THE TASTE OF EM ¶

¶ AND I HAVE TOO MUCH TOLERANCE

YOU UGLY AND FINE AS ¶

¶ AND IF I HAD MORE COMMON SENSE

THEN I WOULD GRAB MY RIDE AND DIP ¶

¶ TOO MUCH TOLERANCE

YOU UGLY AND FINE AS

AND IF I HAD MORE COMMON SENSE ¶

¶ THEN I WOULD GRAB MY RIDE AND DIP

HE'S A FIGHT TO THE DEATH

HE'S A GUN TO MY HEAD ¶

¶ AN IMPOSSIBLE FRIEND

WOULD YOU TAKE EVERY BREATH

¶ AND PUT IT ALL IN ONE MAN

YOU 'RE SO VAIN WITH YOUR STUPID CHAINS ¶

¶ AND YOUR SOUPED-OUT RANGE

WHEN YOU LOOK MY WAY

I FEEL SHAME 'CAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A PAIN ¶

¶ BUT MY DNA WANTS --

HE GOT THE TOM FORD DOWN YES BUT DO HE SUIT ME ¶

¶ JUST STEAMROLL PAST IF HE CANT EAT

FOR REAL THOUGH GOTTA PACK A SMITH LIKE WILLOW ¶

¶ TEN TOES DOWN AS A DUVET PILLOW

TWO FACE, YOU SAY ¶ ¶ YOU GET ZERO

YOU ACT RIGHT, YOULL GET A MOVIE, LIMO ¶

¶ TWO CHAINS, DINNER AND A DOWN BELOW

AND ALL NEW FANS YELLIN YOU MA HERO

MEN NEEDA ¶ ¶ CRY MORE BOYS NEED TO WORK

BUT NOT WHEN HE BEG HIS EMPLOYEE TO FLIRT

AINT NOBODY FINNA FORCE ¶ ¶ ME TO TWERK

WHEN YOURE FINISHED WITH YOUR GOON SESH ¶ JOIN ME IN CHURCH

ONE ROID AWAY FROM A 6 FOOT HOLE ¶

¶ AND THAT LACE FRONT BEARD AINT MY POINT OF CONCERN

IF RENT GET HIGH AND WE ALL NEED A SHOW ¶

¶ THEYRE ENJOYING THE VIEW LET A GIRL GET A TURN

AND I HAVE TOO MUCH TOLERANCE ¶

¶ YOU UGLY AND FINE AS

AND IF I HAD MORE COMMON SENSE

THEN I WOULD GRAB MY RIDE AND DIP ¶

¶ AND I HAVE TOO MUCH TOLERANCE

YOU UGLY AND FINE AS ¶

¶ AND IF I HAD MORE COMMON SENSE

THEN I WOULD GRAB MY RIDE AND DIP ¶

WEEKEND

THANK

>> I'M COLIN JOST.

GOVERNMENT FINALLY REPRESENTED THE PEOPLE

WHEN IT JUST COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN.

HONESTLY DIDN'T IT FEEL LIKE THE GOVERNMENT NEEDED A BREAK?

JUST SO WE COULD ALL CATCH OUR BREATHS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'RE ONLY NINE MONTHS INTO THIS PRESIDENCY.

THAT MEANS WE ONLY HAVE THREE MONTHS AND SEVEN YEARS REMAINING.

I ALREADY TRIED FIGHTING, I'M TIRED.

I WENT TO SO MANY PROTESTS THIS SUMMER,

BUT IT WAS FINALLY WORTH IT BECAUSE WE FINALLY GOT THEM TO CHANGE

THE CRACKER BARREL LOGO BACK TO THE ORIGINAL

ACTUAL GRANDPA.

I KNOW IT'S SCARY FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE RIGHT NOW,

BUT I'M TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE AND REMEMBER THE WORDS OF A GREAT MAN.

>> NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN, IT CAN ONLY GOOD HAPPEN.

>> THE LAST TIME THE U.S. GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN

WAS DURING PRESIDENT TRUMP'S FIRST ADMINISTRATION IN 2018,

WHICH WAS SO LONG AGO THAT WE LOOKED LIKE THIS.

PRESIDENT TRUMP CLAIMED THAT ONE OF THE REASONS THE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN

IS BECAUSE DEMOCRATS WANT TRANSGENDER FOR EVERYBODY.

WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE,

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I WOULDN'T SAY NO MY OWN SET OF THESE.

GOT TO WEAR THEM.

>> ISRAEL AND HAMAS HAVE TENTATIVELY AGREED

TO PRESIDENT TRUMP'S PLAN TO END THE WAR IN GAZA.

AND YOU COULD TELL THAT TRUMP WROTE THE PLAN HIMSELF.

>> A TRUMP ADVISER SAID I.C.E. AGENTS WILL ATTEND THE SUPER BOWL

AFTER BAD BUNNY WAS ANNOUNCED AS THE HALFTIME PERFORMER.

YOU KNOW, TO CATCH ALL THOSE FARM WORKERS WHO CAN AFFORD SUPER BOWL TICKETS.

THE FDA QUIETLY APPROVED THE GENERIC ABORTION PILL JUST BEFORE THE SHUTDOWN.

I DON'T HAVE A JOKE

BUT WHENEVER I MENTION A PRODUCT ON AIR THEY SEND ME A BOX FOR FREE.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ALSO SPOKE TO A GROUP OF MILITARY LEADERS THIS WEEK,

AT ONE POINT WENT ON A LONG RANT

HOW GOOD BARACK OBAMA WAS WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS.

I'M NOT GOING TO READ IT,

IT WAS CRAZY TO HEAR FROM A PRESIDENT

BUT FUN FROM ANYONE ELSE.

LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN IN OUR NEW SEGMENT,

PRESIDENT TRUMP WOULD MAKE A LOT MORE SENSE

IF HE SOUNDED LIKE JENNIFER COOLIDGE.

>> BE COOL. BE COOL WHEN YOU WALK DOWN

BUT DON'T POP DOWN THE STAIRS.

ONE THING WITH OBAMA, I HAVE ZERO RESPECT FOR HIM AS A PRESIDENT,

BUT HE WOULD BOP DOWN THOSE STAIRS.

>> THIS HAS BEEN PRESIDENT TRUMP WOULD MAKE A LOT MORE SENSE IF HE SOUNDED LIKE JENNIFER COOLIDGE.

>> SEAN COMBS WAS SENTENCED ON FRIDAY TO FOUR YEARS IN PRISON.

I'LL BE HONEST, IT'S HARD TO WATCH SOMEONE I LOVE GET PUNISHED,

BUT THAT'S WHAT DIDDY WOULD DO.

DURING SEAN COMBS' SENTENCING, HE PLEADED FOR MERCY, SAYING THAT

THE THINGS HE DID WERE DISGUSTING, SHAMEFUL AND SICK,

IN FACT JUST THINKING ABOUT THEM MAKES HIM HARDER THAN GRANDMA'S CANDY.

>> THEY SHOWED THE CANDY.

>> IT'S HARD CANDY. >> YEAH, HARD CANDY.

>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT ELON MUSK HAS BECOME THE FIRST PERSON

TO BE WORTH MORE THAN $500 BILLION.

WOW, SHOUT-OUT TO TYLENOL.

>> NEW YORK MAYOR ERIC ADAMS HAS ENDED HIS RE-ELECTION BID,

CITING AN OFFICIAL REASON

OF TOO MUCH SWAGGER FOR Y'ALL.

KAMALA HARRIS HAS RELEASED A NEW BOOK THAT EXPLAINS HOW SHE LOST THE 2024 ELECTION.

IT'S CALLED "I'M A BLACK LADY."

>> STILL THINKING ABOUT YOU WITH THOSE BOOBS.

YESTERDAY MARKED 30 YEARS TO THE DAY OF OJ SIMPSON'S ACQUITTAL.

WELL, I'M PROUD TO SAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE'VE EVENED THE SCORE.

DIDDY WAS CONVICTED AND SENTENCED TO FOUR YEARS IN PRISON.

HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS NEW SNL CAST MEMBER KAM PATTERSON.

>> WHAT'S UP COLIN. >> WHAT'S UP KAM?

>> LISTEN, I THINK DIDDY IS WEIRD

BUT I ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING MORE PRESSING TO TALK ABOUT.

LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

I'VE BEEN HERE 45 MINUTES NOW,

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LET ME SAY THE N-WORD?

>> YOU WANT TO SAY THE N-WORD?

>> YOU MEAN THE WORD I SAID IN MY ACT 150 TIMES BEFORE MY SECOND JOKE?

YES.

WHEN Y'ALL GOING TO LET ME LOOSE? I FEEL LIKE I'M SHACKLED TO THIS DESK, MAN.

>> DON'T PUT IT LIKE THAT. I MEAN --

YOU CAN'T SAY THE N-WORD ON THE SHOW, YOU GET FINED.

>> THAT'S FINE, I'LL PAY IT.

>> THAT'S LIKE HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.

>> THAT'S FINE, YOU'LL PAY IT.

>> I'M NOT PAYING HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.

>> COLIN, I'M A STAND-UP COMEDIAN FROM FLORIDA,

SAYING THAT WORD IS WHAT I DO.

COME ON BRA, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT JIMMY KIMMEL FOUGHT FOR.

>> NO, IT'S NOT WHAT JIMMY KIMMEL FOUGHT FOR.

IT IS NOT SOMETHING WE REALLY DO HERE.

>> REALLY? I'VE DONE MY RESEARCH

AND IT'S BEEN SAID A FEW TIMES ON THIS SHOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT, ROLL THE CLIP.

>> DON'T ROLL ANY CLIPS.

IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, REALLY?

>> CHE SAID IT IN 2016.

>> YEAH, BUT I'M GROWN.

>> I JUST THINK YOU BRING MORE TO THE TABLE THAN JUST THAT.

>> PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET WOULD DISAGREE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN SOME OF THE STUFF THEY WROTE ABOUT ME ONLINE.

WHICH I DID READ BECAUSE I READ WELL AND I'M READING RIGHT NOW.

>> I MEAN, YOUR CARDS ARE BLANK.

>> MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, COLIN!

LOOK. I REALLY AM EXCITED TO BE HERE, AND THE EXPECTATIONS PEOPLE HAVE ABOUT ME.

I HAVE A LOT OF CHARACTERS I'M EXCITED TO PLAY.

>> LIKE WHAT?

>> THE GUY THAT PLAYED KRAMER.

PAULA DEAN.

AND HULK HOGAN.

BOOM BROTHER, EXCEPT I WOULD SAY -- YOU KNOW.

SAY

>> KAM, WE WANT YOU TO EXPRESS YOURSELF BUT MAYBE NOT SAY IT TONIGHT, OKAY?

>> THAT'S COOL.

I'LL HOLD OFF FOR NOW.

BUT IT'S LIKE JURASSIC PARK,

YOU CAN PUT UP ALL THE FENCES YOU WANT,

BUT A DINOSAUR IS STILL GOING TO GET OUT.

>> KAM PATTERSON, EVERYONE.

>> NEW YORK MAYORAL CANDIDATE ZOHRAN MAMDANI

RAN AN AD, AND

HE SAID NEW YORK, WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROLE?

NOT TO BE OUTDONE, ANDREW CUOMO RAN AN AD IN WHICH HE SAID, HONKA HONKA.

>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT MAJOR TALENT AGENCIES IN HOLLYWOOD

ARE INTERESTED IN SIGNING A NEW AI GENERATED ACTRESS, TILLY NORWOOD.

THE AI GENERATED ACTRESS GOT HER START

AFTER SHE HAD A HOTEL MEETING WITH AI HARVEY WEINSTEIN.

OKAY.

A NEW REPORT OF AMERICAN SCHOOL DISTRICTS FINDS

THE MOST BANNED BOOK IN THE COUNTRY IS "A CLOCKWORK ORANGE"

IN CLOSE SECOND, CHE'S "A GUIDE TO DRAWING MOHAMMED".

GET HIM!

>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT NICOLE KIDMAN AND KEITH URBAN

ARE SEPARATING AFTER 19 YEARS OF MARRIAGE.

I'M SADDENED AND SHOCKED THAT A GUY NAMED KEITH URBAN ISN'T BLACK.

>> CHIMPANZEE RESEARCHER JANE GOODALL HAS DIED AT THE AGE OF 91.

THE FAMILY REQUESTS IN LIEU OF SENDING FLOWERS,

PLEASE THROW FECES.

YEAH.

THE LARGEST ZOO IN LONG ISLAND ANNOUNCED

IT IS CLOSING AFTER BEING ACCUSED OF ANIMAL ABUSE.

BUT ISN'T ALL OF LONG ISLAND REALLY JUST A ZOO FOR ABUSED ANIMALS?

THANK YOU, ONE CLAP.

THAT'S AN APPLAUSE BREAK.

>> THAT'S NOT AN APPLAUSE BREAK. >> IT ONLY TAKES ONE.

>> THIS WEEK, HARRY POTTER AUTHOR JK ROWLING

CALLED EMMA WATSON IGNORANT AND OUT OF TOUCH

AFTER SHE REFUSED TO DEFEND ROWLING'S CONTROVERSIAL STANCE ON TRANS RIGHTS.

HERE TO COMMENT IS DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF.

>> HELLO, SIR, DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF AT YOUR SERVICE.

>> DOBBY, YOU OKAY? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SCARED.

>> WHY WOULD BE DOBBY BE SCARED, SIR,

DOBBY IS ABOUT TO PUBLICLY WEIGH IN ON TRANS PEOPLE, THAT'S ALL.

>> DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO?

>> YES, SIR, MASTER SENDS DOBBY TO GO ON THE TELLY

AND DEFINE ONCE AND FOR ALL WHAT A WOMAN IS.

>> FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T LOVE MASTER.

REALLY DON'T.

ALSO, IS YOUR MASTER JK ROWLING? >> WHY, OF COURSE SIR.

OH, NO, DOBBY WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY.

BAD DOBBY! BAD DOBBY! BAD DOBBY!

>> DON'T DO THAT, YOU'RE HURTING YOURSELF.

>> DOBBY HAD TO SELF-PUNISH

YOU SEE BECAUSE AFTER ROWLING HAS DONE SO --

DOBBY HAS COME UNDONE.

>> DOBBY. >> I'M SORRY.

MY FATIGUES ARE NOT WELL MADE.

MASTER ROWLING HAS DONE SO MUCH FOR DOBBY AND FOR INCLUSION IN GENERAL.

REMEMBER WHEN DUMBLEDORE WAS GAY AFTER THE BOOKS CAME OUT?

AND WHEN HERMIONE WAS BLACK ONLY ON BROADWAY?

AND WHEN CHO CHANG WAS --

HMM, WAS CHO CHANG ASIAN?

DOBBY CAN'T REMEMBER IF THE CHARACTER NAMED CHO CHANG WAS ASIAN OR NOT.

>> ALL RIGHT, DOBBY, WE GET IT.

>> THE POINT IS, DOBBY CAME HERE TO SAY THAT WOMEN HAVE VAGINAS

AND WOMEN'S BATHROOMS ARE FOR WOMEN ONLY

AND GIRLS AND GHOSTS OF GIRLS.

>> I DON'T EVEN GET THAT BECAUSE I NEVER READ THEM CORNY ASS BOOKS.

>> OF COURSE SIR, DOBBY NEVER MEANT TO IMPLY

THAT MR. CHE IS UNCOOL.

>> IT'S FINE. DON'T

HE'S VERY COOL,

HE GOES TO STRIP CLUBS AND YANKEES GAMES.

UNLIKE DOBBY.

OH, NO, DOBBY IS MILLENNIAL CRINGE!

OH, NO!

BAD DOBBY, BAD DOBBY! CRINGE DOBBY!

>> WHY DO YOU KEEP HURTING YOURSELF?

IT'S NOT RIGHT.

>> WHY? DOBBY DOESN'T KNOW.

PERHAPS THAT'S WHAT HOUSE ELVES WERE TAUGHT WE'RE ALWAYS THE PROBLEM,

EVEN AS A 10th OF THE POPULATION.

BUT WE'RE NOT THE VICTIM, MASTER ROWLING IS.

HATE MAIL

JUST RECEIVED THIS T-SHIRT SAYING THEY K ROWLING.

NOW IT'S DOBBY'S NICEST SHIRTS.

>> HEY, DOBBY, I HAVE READ THE BOOKS. >> OF COURSE YOU HAVE.

>> AND YOUR MASTER GAVE YOU A PIECE OF CLOTHING,

DOESN'T THAT MEAN YOU'RE

FREE?

>> YOU MEAN, DOBBY IS FINALLY FREE TO SAY WHATEVER CHO/CHANG THINKS?

>> YOUR REAL PRONOUNS ARE CHO/CHANG?

>> LISTEN UP, WORLD, DOBBY HAS SOMETHING TO SAY.

GRINDLEWALD'S WORST CRIME WAS SODOMY.

>> DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF, EVERYBODY.

FOR WEEKEND

ROMAN

IBERIANS

AND THEIR OWN LANGUAGE EMERGES TO UNITE THEIR PEOPLE

WITH A COMMON TONGUE.

>> GENTLEMEN,

OUR NEW LANGUAGE, SPANISH,

IS COMING ALONG REALLY WELL.

>> SO FAR, LOOKING GOOD.

>> BUT I WAS THINKING,

WHAT IF WE MADE IT HARDER TO LEARN.

SO I HAD AN AMAZING IDEA.

>> TELL US. >> TELL US.

>> EVERY WORD IS A BOY OR A GIRL.

>> ONE MORE TIME?

>> HE SAID EVERY WORD IS A BOY OR A GIRL.

AND HERE IS WHAT WE DECIDED SO FAR.

>> THE FIRST WORD IS MORNING.

MORNING IS A GIRL. LA MANANA.

>> YES, THE MORNING IS A GIRL BECAUSE THE MORNING IS LIKE,

HEY.

>> THE NEXT WORD IS NIGHT. LA NOCHE.

>> YES, NIGHT IS ALSO A GIRL BECAUSE NIGHT IS LIKE,

GOOD NIGHT.

>> THE NEXT WORD IS OCEAN.

OCEAN IS A BOY. EL OCEANO.

>> THE OCEAN IS A BOY BECAUSE IT'S FUN

BUT SOMETIMES FOR NO REASON, IT KILL YOU.

>> OKAY. OKAY, I GET IT NOW.

SO LIKE A GIRL WORD IS A GIRL THING

LIKE DRESS IS A GIRL.

>> NO. DRESS IS A BOY.

>> UM, EXCUSE ME.

>> YES, THE DELEGATE FROM BARCELONA.

>> YES, FROM BARCELONA.

I'M SO SORRY, I'M SLIGHTLY UNRELATED

BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE SAYING SOME OF THESE WORDS.

>> THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR TONGUE IS TOO FAR OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

PUT YOUR TONGUE BACK IN YOUR MOUTH!

>> NOW LET ME DO ONE THAT'S GOING TO BLOW YOUR MIND.

THE BIBLE.

THE BIBLE IS A GIRL.

>> WHY IS THE BIBLE A GIRL?

>> BECAUSE IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

>> YES, AND ALSO BECAUSE THE BIBLE,

EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO DO IT SAY NO.

>> YEAH. >> YES!

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

>> YES! YES! YES!

>> I AM SORRY, BARCELONA AGAIN,

BUT I DON'T SEE HOW WE CAN REMEMBER ALL OF THIS.

I THINK WE SHOULD SKIP THIS.

>> THANK YOU FOR YOUR FEEDBACK.

AS A REWARD, THIS MAN WILL TAKE YOU.

>> OH, OKAY. HOLA.

ADIOS.

>> EVERYBODY, DON'T WORRY, HE'S GOING TO BE FINE.

>> NO, PLEASE!

>> AND NOW WITH A FEW MORE RULES

THAT YOU'LL NEED TO REMEMBER FOR SCHOOL

BUT WILL BE TOTALLY USELESS IN REAL LIFE,

PLEASE WELCOME MY COUSIN.

>> HELLO, EVERYONE.

PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY.

OKAY. WE WILL DO ALSO FORMAL AND INFORMAL.

LIKE YOU AND YOU.

>> OKAY.

>> WHAT IF THE LETTER R

LASTED A LONG TIME LIKE RRRRRR?

>> I LIKE IT.

IT WILL CAN ALSO BE SEXY, LIKE RRRRR.

>> I LIKE THAT, CAN I TRY?

WELL, CAN'T DO THAT.

>> OKAY, ONE LAST THING, NOT RELATED TO ANYTHING.

I THINK WE SHOULD TAKE A NAP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.

>> I LIKE THAT.

>> OKAY, I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH PROGRESS FOR TODAY.

WHOEVER DOESN'T DIE OF DISEASE IN THE NIGHT,

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

>> OKAY. TOMORROW.

AGAIN

Gorgeous

¶ IF THEY WASN'T GRILLIN' BEFORE

THEY GON' BE REALLY MAD WHEN WE HIT THE FLOOR ¶

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS

BETWEEN YOU AND A MILLION PHONES ¶

¶ THEY TAKIN' PICTURES LIKE WE HITTIN' A POSE

IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE HONEST

EVEN WHEN WE SIT ¶ ¶ IN THE DARK

I FEEL THE PRETTIEST THAT YOU EVER SAW

ARE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN ¶

¶ IT AIN'T EVER REALLY OUR FAULT

WE MAKE A KILLING BEING SO BEAUTIFUL ¶

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS ¶

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S A CRIME ¶

¶ BABE I JUST CALLED TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU

AND HOW AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL THAT YOU ARE ¶

¶ OH MY GOD, HOW UPLIFTING AND INSPIRING YOU'VE BEEN FOR ME ¶

¶ FOR ALL THIS TIME,

AND I LOVE YOU AND NO ONE EVEN CAN BE FUNNIER OR SMARTER

YEAH, LOOK AT ME REALLY LOOK AT ME ¶

¶ LOADED THE MAGAZINE THEY THROWIN' THE BOOK AT ME

I'M BOOKIN' IT 80 MILES PER HOUR 'CAUSE MY JEWELRY ¶

¶ I'M COOKIN' SOME COLLARD GREENS, I AIN'T GOT NO ROOM FOR THESE

THEN I GOT SURGERY ¶ ¶ CAUSE OF SCRUTINY

BUT HE LIKE MY BEFORE AND AFTER PICTURES, HE COOL WIT' THESE ¶

¶ I TOOK OFF THE WIG AND PUT SOME MOUSSE ON MY NEW 4� ¶

¶ I PUT ON THE WIG AND TAKE IT OFF AS I DAMN WELL PLEASE

I LOOK LIKE MY FAMILY ¶ ¶ I DON'T NEED TO BRAG

TITTY USED TO SAG LEAST SHE GOT SOME ASS

CAN'T AVOID THE PAP ¶ ¶ CAN'T EVEN AVOID THE CASH

YEAH, YOU BEAUTIFUL BABY, BUT YOU GOT MORE THAN THAT ¶

¶ PRETTY HURTS, DON'T TALK TO ME 'BOUT BRAZILIANS

AFTER THAT WAX, YOU THOUGHT YOU WANTED ¶ ¶ TO KILL HIM

BUT NOW YOU WALKIN ROUND LIKE YOU ONE IN A MILLION ¶

¶ HE LOOKIN' AT ME LIKE HE WANT SOME BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN

IF THEY WASN'T GRILLIN' BEFORE ¶

¶ THEY GON' BE REALLY MAD WHEN WE HIT THE FLOOR

IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS ¶

¶ BETWEEN YOU AND A MILLION PHONES

THEY TAKIN' PICTURES LIKE WE HITTIN' A POSE ¶

¶ IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE HONEST

EVEN WHEN WE SIT IN THE DARK

I FEEL THE PRETTIEST ¶ ¶ THAT YOU EVER SAW

ARE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN

IT AIN'T EVER REALLY OUR FAULT ¶

¶ WE MAKE A KILLING BEING SO BEAUTIFUL

IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS ¶

IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S A CRIME ¶ ¶ TO BE GORGEOUS

SHE LIKE WHITE GOLD ¶ ¶ IN HER HARDWARE

WITH AN INSTALL AND A LONG NAIL

WITH A EYELASH AND ¶ ¶ IT'S GLUED ON

SHE AIN'T SO CHRISTIAN IN LOUBOUTINS

AND NOW SHE GOT CONTACTS ¶ ¶ BUT NO CLOSE FRIENDS

AND SHE LASERED ALL THAT HAIR OFF

AND SHE THANK GOD ¶ ¶ FOR THAT EMSCULPT

SHE WANNA BE CHIC WHEN IT'S INSPIRED BY HERON

AH, THERE YOU GO WITH ¶ ¶ THAT SMILE AGAIN

SHE STAY IN SCHOOL BUT SHE MORE PRIVY TO COLLAGEN

AW, NOW YOU ON ¶ ¶ BOTCHED AGAIN

YOU OUGHTA CUT OFF ALL THEM KHIAS, THEY TOXIC FRIEND, AH ¶

¶ YOU GETTIN' SHOWERED IN COMPLIMENTS, HUH

I DO YOU FEEL EMPOWERED BUT NOT WITHIN ¶

¶ I MEAN I ONLY GOT MYSELF TO APPEAL TO I DO

THEY GOT THEY NOSE UP JUDGING ME, BUT AIN'T ¶ ¶ ALL OF 'EM REAL

SO IF THEY WASN'T GRILLING IF THEY WASN'T GRILLIN' BEFORE ¶

¶ THEY GON' BE REALLY MAD WHEN WE HIT THE FLOOR

IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS ¶

¶ BETWEEN YOU AND A MILLION PHONES

THEY TAKIN' PICTURES LIKE WE HITTIN' A POSE ¶

¶ IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE HONEST

EVEN WHEN WE SIT IN THE DARK

I FEEL THE PRETTIEST ¶ ¶ THAT YOU EVER SAW

ARE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN

IT AIN'T EVER ¶ ¶ REALLY OUR FAULT

WE MAKE A KILLING BEING SO BEAUTIFUL

IT'S A CRIME TO BE ¶ ¶ GORGEOUS

NEED WANT

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS

NEED WANT

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S ALL WE NEED IT'S ALL WE WANT ¶

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S ALL WE NEED ¶ ¶ IT'S ALL WE WANT

IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS ¶

UNFAIR

DAD?

>> HE NEEDS TO SEE THESE MICHAEL.

PRINCIPAL HUMBOLDT AND I ARE VERY DISTURBED BY THESE DRAWINGS.

>> THEY ARE DISTURBING AND MOSTLY THREATENING TO ME.

>> IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

>> NOT A BIG DEAL? THIS COULD LEAD TO SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES,

SUSPENSION, MAYBE EXPULSION.

>> COME IN.

>> HELLO?

>> HI. >> HI.

>> HI. >> HI.

>> OH, GOSH. I HAVEN'T LAUGHED THAT HARD IN A

LONG TIME.

>> RIGHT. WELL THANKS FOR COMING IN. PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.

>> THANK YOU. IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

>> OH, EVERYTHING IS FINE, MR. SEYMOR, TRULY.

>> PLEASE, YOU CAN CALL ME MARCUS.

>> OKAY, MARCUS,

HAVE YOU EVER LET ANYONE CALL YOU THAT BEFORE?

>> YES.

>> WOW.

>> SO YEAH, YOUR SON DID SOME DRAWINGS.

>> YES, THE DRAWINGS, YES.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE FINE.

GOING

I -- SO I THINK THIS IS ME.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S PUTTING A NECKLACE ON ME OR SOMETHING. RIGHT?

>> NO, I DON'T THINK SO, I THINK IT'S PRETTY CLEARLY HE'S TRYING TO CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF.

>> OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

>> OH, MY GOSH, I JUST LOVE YOUR LANGUAGE.

THAT GAVE ME CHILLS.

WHAT IS THAT? >> SPANISH.

>> BEAUTIFUL.

>> OKAY, IS THIS THE ONLY DRAWING THAT MICHAEL DID?

>> I THINK SO, YEAH.

>> ACTUALLY, NO. THERE'S DEFINITELY MORE.

LIKE THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

>> OKAY. SO THIS ONE'S INTERESTING

ME AGAIN, LUCKY GIRL.

AND THE SCHOOL SAW SOME SORT OF IMMINENT BEATING WITH A BAT,

BUT CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, I THINK HE'S HOLDING A RULER

TO MEASURE ME FOR A WEDDING DRESS

BECAUSE I'M SINGLE.

NOBODY EVER HAD THE BALLS.

>> NO, IT'S A BAT.

>> I LOVE.

IT BEFORE WE CONTINUE, IS THERE A MRS. SEYMOR?

>> OH, NO, SHE LEFT US.

>> BITCH!

>> NO, LIKE, SHE DIED.

>> THEN THE BITCH IS I.

>> LET'S GET BACK TO THE DRAWINGS, PLEASE.

>> LOOK TO ME, THESE DRAWINGS PICTURE --

IT SEEMS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO EXPRESS HIMSELF.

>> YEAH, I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

HELL, SOME OF THESE ARE JUST DOWNRIGHT BEAUTIFUL.

I MEAN, OKAY.

I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS ONE.

LOOK AT ME, FLYING AROUND, BIG OLD ROCKET OUT OF MY BUTT.

AM I WEARING SOME KIND OF LEASH?

OKAY, EVERYONE WRITE YOUR SIZES DOWN, I'M MAKING SHIRTS.

>> OKAY, I'M A MEDIUM.

>> WE'RE NOT DOING THAT.

WE NEED TO SHOW THESE TO A THERAPIST.

>> I AGREE.

>> WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS,

WHAT ABOUT IF YOU EVER HAVE ANY CONCERNS,

YOU JUST CALL ME OR JUST COME OVER.

AND LISTEN, I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE WHAT ARE WE

GIRLS. THE WORST.

>> OH, MY GOD. CAN WE GO HOME?

>> THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

THANK YOU, BOTH. COME ON.

>> OKAY. I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON.

>> FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU.

>> ROBERT, THIS IS A WORKPLACE.

NUMBER ONE

FROM NUMBER 8."

INTERPRETED BY THE SUPER COMEDIAN MARCELLOOOOO.

BENITO ANTONIO MARTINEZ OCASIO AS QUICO.

ANDREW DISMUKES AS DON RAMON.

CHLOE FINEMAN AS DONA FLORINDA.

SARAH SHERMAN AS LA CHILINDRINA.

AND KENAN THOMPSON AS MR. STOMACH.

Q

RAMON?

>> I AM WORKING, QUICO.

>> OH, I KNOW YOU'RE WORKING.

>> HEY, IF I HIT YOU, IT'S GOING TO HURT.

>> ARE YOU GOING TO HIT ME?

>> DON RAMON! >> PAPA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> YOU'RE GOING TO HIT QUICO WITH YOUR HAMMER?

>> OH, NO, I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> OKAY. THAT'S GOOD.

MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID NEVER HIT YOUR ENEMY.

>> THANK YOU.

YOU'RE NOT MY ENEMY, YOU'RE MY FRIEND.

>> I'M NOT YOUR ENEMY. >> NO, CHAVO.

>> PERFECT!

MAMI, MAMITA.

>> WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

>> THEY HIT ME.

>> WHO HIT YOU?

>> HIM.

>> I'M HUNGRY.

>> OH, YOU ARE HUNGRY?

OKAY, WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME PIE.

>> ARE YOU STILL HUNGRY?

>> YEAH.

>> EXCUSE ME, YOU? WHERE IS YOUR FATHER?

>> DID YOU COME TO COLLECT THE RENT? >> YES.

>> WELL, IN THAT CASE, I DON'T HAVE A FATHER.

>> MR. STOMACH, I HAVE THE MONEY FOR THE RENT.

>> IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR THE RENT, YOU ARE GOING TO SLEEP IN THE STREET --

WHAT? YOU HAVE THE MONEY?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I THINK I'M GOING TO FAINT.

>> NO, MR. STOMACH, DON'T DO THAT, YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THE FLOOR.

>> GRR, I'M GOING TO GO EAT A LITTLE SANDWICH.

>> HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO THE LANDLORD, YOU UNEDUCATED LUNATICS!

>> OF COURSE, CRY BABIES.

>> ARE YOU MAKING THESE KIDS CRY AGAIN?

>> NO --

>> WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON HERE?

>> PROFESSOR JIRAFALES.

>> DONA FLORINDA.

>>> THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU TO DOJA CAT, JON HAMM,

BENICIO DEL TORO.

AND MY GUY THAT'S BEEN HERE 51 YEARS.

THANK YOU ALL. I LOVE YOU.

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