Original subtitles

Wow, it's really coming down?

I feel like I've come full circle.

I was born in Fulm.

My mother and father used to bring me here every year to go to Frampus weekend.

I'm still terrified of brooms.

We stopped coming after my mother died.

I never believed I'd see this place again.

Maybe your mouth.

She should be shut up.

Oh, right.

Of course, you need to concentrate.

Can you even see the runway?

This is nothing compared to a night raid on Königsberg.

I just have to line up the tiny white lights, like tiny Nazi tanks!

What's happening?

Take the radio.

Tell them we're going down.

Fuck!

Hello?

Wait, how do you say SOS in Swiss?

S-O-S.

SOS.

Hello?

Mayday.

Mayday! Mayday!

Head between your knees!

What, me?

Oh, shit.

Dear God/Goddess, please. If you get us through this,

I'll be humble. I'll be quiet.

I promise to never sleep with any more communists.

Hold on to your honchos!

Just don't let it end like this.

His heart is very, very weak.

Because there was insulin in that schnapps. I'd bet my life on it.

Perhaps he's used to weak American schnapps.

Perhaps his aunt was trying to kill him

because we found letters that prove she's a murdering fraud.

If I had a nickel...

No offense, but when is the real doctor getting here?

It could be hours until the storm lifts.

All right, well, I'll show you out.

Thank you.

Maxine, will he be okay?

No thanks to Norma's mother, Lotte.

Do you have my letters?

I need them back.

Well, I need the letters the real Norma wrote Axel Rosenhips.

I burned them.

It's the only proof I have that Norma isn't Norma.

My letters, Maxine, please.

Please.

You didn't tell me you had a son.

I never told anyone.

Not even Norma.

It's a good thing.

She probably would've tried to poison him.

Do you want to know why I stayed with Norma for so long?

Actually, I do.

'Cause she kept me safe.

No one from back home could find me, Maxine.

And then one day, I go to your party,

I take a bullet for Nixon, and suddenly, I'm in every newspaper.

And your son saw you.

Yeah, he's been writing to me.

Well, have you written back?

What am I gonna say?

No boy wants to know his father is like me.

He thinks I'm a hero.

You are a hero.

I would kill to have what you have.

So don't throw it away.

- Is that from my husband? - No, ma'am.

"Go to the Frampus painting."

Are you ready to rise from the ashes?

Special delivery!

Can I tempt you girls with anything?

Cream puff?

Strudel?

Applesauce?

Leave us, Mama.

Strong genes.

So, you are here.

Robert lied.

Well, he was protecting my privacy.

He's such a good boy.

You do realize Maxine is downstairs

waiting to pounce on you with a butterfly net?

The instant she knows you're here, she'll call Interpol.

Then I suppose you won't tell her.

Sit. The coffee is divine.

Well...

Forgive me if I decline.

I don't wanna end up downstairs next to Douglas.

It's unfortunate what happened.

Unsurprising considering...

Considering?

Every family has its secrets, Evelyn.

You of all people should know that.

It must be so difficult for you.

Coming back here where Skeet used to bring his first wife.

I wasn't in the picture when you would come here

and have your little foursomes with Mary and David Davidsoul.

David Davidsoul.

Such a bore.

I'm sure you didn't invite me here to reminisce about ancient Alpine vacations.

You must know my plight with the Palm Royale.

Did you invite me here to gloat?

Call me a loser?

Tell me I'll never be you, I'm not a killer, I don't have the instincts,

my jewelry collection doesn't size up,

I don't look as good in brocade, the Palm will go to shit under me?

You've got it all wrong.

I came back to Switzerland to put my affairs in order,

to seek absolution, and...

I invited you here this morning to tell you...

I'm sorry.

You're sorry? For what exactly?

You mean, you don't know?

For none of the things I... I just said?

You truly don't know, do you?

Well, I suppose I owe you a good deal more than I thought.

What do you mean you couldn't do it?

Killing Evelyn isn't gonna help us, Jed.

But I think I know what will.

I've got a new plan.

Oh, stop, Mitzi.

I do the thinking, I make the plans!

I know, but this plan is clean and no one else has to, you know,

die.

Bootlegger, I'm ready for my bubble bath.

Not now, Mary!

Hey, we can't have all these loose ends just floating around.

If you're not gonna kill her, then get your ass on the next flight home.

- But-- - Now!

Excuse me, when's the next flight back to Palm Beach?

The snowstorm has grounded all the flights.

You're leaving?

My marriage is over.

Evelyn decided to throw it all away

for a one-night stand with an alligator sommelier.

Evelyn and her sleazy lover deserve each other.

Why do people stay with bad people?

They're scared of something worse, I guess.

Yeah.

Is there something you'd like to apologize for?

No. Is there something you'd like to apologize for?

No.

Whore.

Brave of you with the poisoner still running around.

No, no, no!

No, Perry, please, please, eat up.

Go rot in a snowbank, you pig loser.

Bitch.

I didn't sleep last night thinking about your Russian mole.

I never should have opened my mouth.

I was just drunk off Frampus rage.

No, you trusted your gut and me.

I have a theory.

You said it was someone high up in Palm Beach society.

Someone running things.

A quick-change artist who can travel through these circles undetected.

Who has secrets on everybody.

There is only one person who fits that bill.

Norma.

For God's sake, that's what you got out of that? Norma?

You thought you came on this trip to catch a serial killer or an identity thief.

You really came to catch your fucking mole.

You know, when I was waiting on the mole to contact Pinky and Raquel...

Norma did call.

See.

Evelyn!

Where's Maxine?

Apologize, Perry.

Pick your words, Perry.

Which way?

Apologize.

For what?

I'm not the cheater this time.

It goes against the laws of nature.

A woman in charge.

I'm in charge!

Me, your husband!

The man!

I don't know how anyone can rest with that Lotte on the loose.

Have they found her?

No, I guess it was a poison-and-run. No one's seen her.

So she could just be anywhere?

In the walls? Under the floorboards?

Still doing Norma's bidding?

- Will you calm down? She's not after you. - I'm calm!

'Cause Norma's not even here and she's still winning.

Maxine, get your pants on. Norma's here.

She was right here, I swear.

It's true.

This is Estee Lauder Toasted Taupe, and that is her exact shade.

Where is she?

I don't have a clue, but I know where she'll be at two o'clock.

What? Where?

At the Hall of Dellacortes.

She's marrying Mitzi off to Robert, her newly adopted son.

Norma had Douglas's marriage annulled.

She told me the whole thing. She's so proud.

She found a way to cut us all out.

What a master stroke.

Like something out of a Russian novel.

She said if I helped her, she'd cut me in, but I am done trusting her.

Thanks for being a pal.

I'm gonna call the police.

No, no, no, we can't call the police

and have them around here when Linda's coming back.

That's if she comes back.

The storm's grounded all the airplanes.

Mitzi can marry a monkey. It doesn't matter.

Linda's name is on that baby trust,

and unless she takes it off by noon today, no one gets a cent.

Come on, Maxine.

Wait.

What if we nabbed Norma ourselves?

At the wedding.

You two, grab all the ropes you can.

Operation Butterfly Net is back on.

And, Dinah, you stay here with Douglas. I'll be back in 20.

- And you-- - Leave me out of it. I played my part.

Oh, no you haven't, lady.

The play has just begun.

Found her!

Linda Shaw, aka Penelope Rollins.

Peace.

And found it, her birth certificate.

Welcome home, Miss Rollins.

It's been a long time.

Not long enough.

This all looks hunky dory, as we say.

We say that too in America.

If I could just see your passport to compare.

It's being renewed.

I see.

Well, then I'm just gonna have to ask you a few little questions.

Pro forma, naturally.

Naturally?

Father's middle name?

- McIntyre. - Mother's maiden?

Shaw, like mine.

I'm a feminist.

- Siblings? - None.

- First pet? - Scooter,

nervous little dachshund who yapped nonstop.

- Birthday? - Scooter's?

Yours.

You don't ask a lady that question.

I do.

I should know this.

I bought enough presents for myself.

It's...

April...

15th?

April 5th!

Free Linda!

How dare you impersonate Fulm's favorite daughter.

We accept her as ours.

I would recognize that political rebel and insurgent Linda Shaw anywhere,

and you, madam, are not she.

- Can I at least see the money? - No!

In 20 minutes,

the Dellacorte baby trust will belong to the great country of Switzerland.

This birth certificate.

Now, be gone!

Bootlegger.

There you are.

I was wondering where you were.

I've grown positively pruney.

Did you call your lawyer yet?

I do think now might be a good time

to add me to your will, as discussed.

I feared our relationship was transactional.

Are you not happy?

Do you not enjoy me stroking your glass noodles?

No, I love it, Mary.

I can only describe it as rapture.

Yes, I agree.

And I want to reside in this rapture.

With you. Here.

Forever.

And I want to do that too...

just as soon as you add me to your will.

Well, what do I do?

Do I just tell them to add "the bootlegger" as my beneficiary?

No, my name is--

Oh, no, no. Oh, don't tell me.

I'd prefer to live in the lie.

It's Jedebedahia Hamil.

The most terribly corporeal of names.

I prefer the bootlegger.

Call your lawyer.

Now, Mary!

Or I'm afraid something real bad's gonna happen.

Yes.

I'm afraid it will.

Well, all hope is lost yet again.

At least there's a wedding today

where I can nab the old lady who killed my sister.

How you don't know your own stepdaughter's birthday?

Well, it's not my fault I mixed up Linda's birthday with tax day.

They're equally onerous.

Speaking of taxes, you're not gonna be able to pay yours.

Not without that trust.

Who are we kidding?

We were never gonna own the Palm Royale,

and I'm never gonna be able to avenge Mirabelle.

Maxine, while Norma is many despicable things,

I'm unconvinced she killed your sister.

Nothing is going to bring her back.

Why can't you let it go? You didn't even know her.

But I wanted to,

and unless I'm able to do right by her,

I will carry that guilt with me forever.

Ulla, Beullah.

Did you swallow a chicken bone?

Goodopooday.

Linda. Well, what happened? Did you find her? Where, where, where...

I made it.

- Thanks, Ulla, Beullah. - It's a Swedish miracle!

Maxine.

We have dropped our payload. Now, we ski.

- And thank you! - You're welcome.

- Did you get all my letters? - Yes.

I have so many adventures to tell you about, Maxine.

No time for talk. You have 15 minutes

to march yourself into that bank and free that money.

And hello to you too, Evelyn.

But no, she's not wrong.

You've got to get in there, and get your name off that trust.

Otherwise, all that money goes back in the vault,

- and no one can touch it. - Look at the time, Maxine.

Don't we have another pressing engagement at the Hall of Dellacortes?

What's at the Hall of Dellacortes?

Nothing you need to worry your festive little knit cap about.

You just get on into the bank. And I'll meet you at the hall.

You're gonna need this.

Consider it a belated birthday present.

Wait. What's this supposed to mean?

Evelyn!

What a massive rack.

Are you real?

Did I summon you with my impassioned cry?

Oh, mighty Stag, what are you trying to tell me?

I should reclaim my birthright.

Not just me, but for all men.

Wait, wait, Stag!

Wait, almighty Stag!

Wait for me, Stag!

Wait for me!

Wait for me, Stag!

Oh, Doctor, thank God!

It was insulin poisoning, wasn't it?

That's always Norma's MO.

Also, a gun and drowning.

Is he okay?

He'll be fine.

Give him one of these a day.

Aspirin?

It wasn't poison.

- What? - I know.

I didn't see it coming either.

It turns out Douglas has a congenital heart defect.

I'm surprised he's lived this long.

Most people with his condition don't make it to 50.

Heart defect?

- Oh, Dinah? - Yes?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And thank you, Herr Doctor.

Douglas has so much to live for.

He has a baby coming with his second wife

and a second chance with his first wife.

- Baby? - Yeah.

Quite impossible.

Men with his condition have an uphill battle conceiving children.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

Are you saying Douglas can't have children?

Because I was pregnant. Briefly.

"Briefly," sadly, is the operative word.

If wifey two is far along, I'd wager she's a Frampus whore.

Max.

Max, honey, is that you?

Oh, Mary, what have you done?

I just wanted you to stay with me and have some company.

That's all.

Oh, David.

David's ghost is going to be very angry at the fate of the family orb.

And wait until he tells the rest of the ancestors.

I will never hear the end of it.

Hello?

Hello.

May I speak with the bootlegger?

He's indisposed at the moment.

Can I take a message?

Mary, are you okay?

I'm not sure. I...

- Mary? - I must call you back.

Mary?

Are the airports open yet?

Yeah.

I'm about to head out.

Take me with you.

Let's go.

There's my boy!

He cuts a fine jib, hey?

Oh, I'll say.

I love all the beautiful ways our family is growing.

All of us together...

in ways I never allowed myself to dream,

and today, it's all going to come true.

Look at you.

Are you all right?

I'm so happy. You have made me so happy.

And you have made me so happy, Norma.

Men like you are always so decent about these things.

Men like me?

You boys, you've been doing this for centuries.

Marrying heiresses who needed a green card.

Marrying girls to stay out of trouble.

That's what you good boys were put on this earth to do.

Well, technically, as far as the world knows, I will be the baby's father.

Well, of course, darling,

but the good news is, there are no expectations for you to raise the child.

We all know that men like you aren't made to be fathers.

How posh you look.

A regular Eliza Doolittle.

It's done.

Thanks, pal.

I'm so happy to have my name off that dirty money.

No offense, Maxine, but not marrying Doug is the best thing I've ever done.

Now I just feel untethered.

Can I tell you a secret?

Sure.

When I felt that plane was going down...

I had the craziest thought.

This little part of me thought maybe I wished it would.

Not actually for real 'cause Ulla and Beullah were on the plane,

but I thought if it did, at least I'd get to see my mom and dad.

I'm just...

alone in the world.

I get that feeling.

I know you do.

Okay. My turn. Can I tell you a secret?

I wanted to die too...

when I first lost the baby.

And I was so filled with guilt

that I couldn't give Douglas just that one thing that he truly wanted,

and come to find out after all those years, it wasn't me, it was him.

What do you mean it was him?

I mean, because of his swimmers,

there is no way Mitzi's baby is his, medically.

- Wow! - Yes, wow.

I thought after hearing that,

- I would just feel this wave of relief. - Yes.

But, instead, I am worried that this news is gonna kill him.

But, maybe for once,

Douglas gets to figure this one out on his own.

Well, that's new.

- Wanna grab a beer? - Yes.

I do have to take care of something first.

But I'll meet you at the bar.

Très artistique.

We taught macramé at the bookstore.

Okay. So we have our net.

When Norma comes in, we'll pull those slipknots and down she goes.

We've bagged the Russian mole of Palm Beach.

The final chapter.

You can't put that in the book.

I would never.

I was thinking more of an exposé for The Shiny Sheet.

It would make my career.

And end mine.

Been hanging around them rich folks so long you're starting to think like 'em.

How do you mean?

Only about yourself.

Virginia, no.

Ann, yes.

The fugitive Penelope Linda Rollins in Fulm.

Thank you, almighty Stag!

Thank you!

Miss you, Mom.

Miss you, Dad.

Hope you're having a blast up there.

Yes, sir, Agent Clune, sir, I have eyes on the fugitive, Linda Shaw.

She just entered a church in Fulm, Switzerland.

You want me to do what?

No, of course I can.

I won't fail America again.

Well, where were you when I needed you?

Wow.

Look at this elaborate yet aesthetically pleasing booby trap.

Ladies, color me impressed.

Well, we can trap her,

but I don't know how long we can hold her without any proof.

With this new Dellacorte burning all those letters,

we're gonna have to force a confession out of her.

Who knows what else she might confess to.

Can you blame her?

For wanting to be somebody.

Protected by generations and generations of somebodies.

You're not getting soft, are you?

Hell, no.

Not after what she did to Mirabelle.

Shame they were all struck down, so young.

Just struck down in the prime of life.

All of them?

That's strange.

My goodness, you're right.

Albrecht died at 42.

And Creznetia at 48.

Percy Bysshe Dellacorte. Well, he didn't even make it past 17.

Stella Rue.

Douglas's mom.

She was only 30.

And the real Norma's father.

Well, he dropped at 50 on the dot.

What are you saying, Maxine?

It was hereditary.

Douglas's heart condition, of course.

And they must've all had it!

Everyone

except her.

I think Norma is a bit over 50. Would you not agree?

And Lotte? Quite a bit older than that.

Norma didn't die young because she isn't even a Dellacorte!

Ladies, we're looking for proof that Norma's not a Dellacorte.

Norma's the proof!

Hide. Somebody's coming.

The groom is here.

Mitzi? Robert? Where is everyone?

Norma?

Oh, my God.

Penelope, is-is that you?

You're here too?

What is this, some kind of trap?

I thought I'd lost you forever.

That doesn't look very matrimonial.

Robert.

Who am I, Maxine?

Norma's dress-up doll.

Mr. Mitzi.

Where is your bride?

Evelyn told me about the wedding.

She's at the church.

The church? I thought you were getting married here.

I'm not getting married at all, Maxine.

I'm going home.

I need to find my family.

My real family.

I've been lying so long.

Being here, in this room, where I first became someone else...

I can be myself again...

and tell you how sorry I am

that I never was the person that you needed me to be.

Norma, I'm lost.

No. Not Norma, dear.

Agnes.

- What? - No, listen to me...

and try to understand.

- We gotta go. - Ready.

It's two o'clock. Where is everyone?

Why did you tell me Robert and Mitzi were getting married here,

when the wedding is at the church?

I must have misheard.

You can hear a hair growing on a cricket's crotch.

You lied to me.

In fact, you have been lying to me all day. Why?

Sometimes there are lies that we tell to protect ourselves,

and lies that we tell...

to protect those we love.

And sometimes...

they're the same lie.

I struck a better bargain.

I only had to distract you until Robert and Mitzi got married,

and in exchange, Norma would cut me in on a big shiny slice of baby trust.

Enough to pay my taxes and own the Palm Royale alone.

Her cash equivalent of apology jewelry.

What the heck does she owe you an apology for?

I want you to know that your father and I loved each other very much,

but he was already married.

Wait.

You and my dad?

Back then, you have to understand,

the shame of it would have destroyed both of us,

and I could not let that happen to you, not when there was another way out.

I learned over coffee this morning

that not only was Skeet sleeping with Norma for years,

Norma got knocked up,

and Skeet, of course, couldn't leave his sick wife,

and Norma would've been destroyed if the truth came out,

so she came here and had the baby and had Skeet and his wife adopt her.

What? Norma had a baby here?

Connect the dots.

You mean

Linda/Penelope is Norma's daughter?

Norma and Skeet's?

Poor Linda has no idea.

No one could ever know.

In those years, the scandal of a baby being born in society out of wedlock,

they would've all been ruined.

So Norma, loving mother, arranged to marry Penelope off to Douglas,

so Penelope would inherit the Rollins fortune and the Dellacorte fortune.

That's why she put Penelope's name on the baby trust,

but then you came along and ruined everything, like always.

Well,

you sold out for nothing 'cause there's no wedding...

and there's no money.

What do you mean?

Ladies!

What do you mean?

Deep down, you must've known?

No!

No, I never did.

I mean, you were always in my business and-and fighting with me.

How could you have not told me my entire life?

Sweetheart, when you love somebody,

you do things sometimes that you never knew you were capable of.

No, no, no. I need some air. This is--

No, no, no. Please, don't. No, no.

Don't go.

I can't bear to lose you again.

My whole life, I felt lost.

And

I've always been looking to try to figure out who I am.

Stop looking.

You're here now, you're with me.

I'm just sorry I couldn't have been more to you, more for you,

but...

losing you

was the greatest pain of my entire life.

I love you.

Norma.

I love you.

Don't move.

In the name of the US government and the Brotherhood of the Stag,

I have you both cornered.

Perry, what are you doing?

I'm taking my nuts back!

We got to skedaddle.

Perry! Perry, where are they?

I don't understand. I did just what the Stag said.

Perry, where is Norma?

They got away.

Just when I was about to nab Linda, and take her back to rot in jail.

No. No.

I'm sorry, Maxine.

Truly, I am.

You lying, cheating, faithless friend.

No wonder no one loves you, 'cause there's nothing to love.

You are dead to me, Evelyn Rollins.

Douglas, we got to get you back to Palm Beach yesterday.

Why? I've been happy with you here, Max.

Norma had your marriage annulled.

Annulled?

But if I'm not married to Mitzi, then my baby--

Then your baby is illegitimate,

which is why you need to get back to Palm Beach and remarry Mitzi ASAP-aroonie.

Now put your coat on.

It's snowing.

Again.

I'm sorry I called you a whore.

You realize that if you had sent Linda to jail, you would've sent me too?

And Maxine, and your Stag pal Douglas.

He's the one that flew her to Cuba.

I didn't think...

You never think, Perry.

Your partner should protect you.

You are dangerous to me, and I don't wanna feel that way anymore.

Well, that was fun.

We flew halfway around the world

to find out the Dellacortes have weak hearts.

I guess Norma isn't a serial killer.

I really thought we were onto something.

Everything we learn about Norma ends up not being true.

I know. It's kind of, like, the rule.

I think I'm wrong about this mole.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

We don't know where Norma went, or who knows what in Palm Beach.

You know what?

Fuck it.

Print your story.

Really?

You mean it?

Let's see what shakes out.

Where have all the flowers gone?

Long time passing

Where have all the flowers gone? Long time ago

I didn't mean to hurt you, Maxine.

Nor Douglas.

She made me her family.

I cannot talk right now.

Everyone's got so many secrets.

I just can't take any more secrets.

Max, would you give me a glass of water for the aspirin?

It's still taking me a couple of swallows to get 'em down.

Sure, Douglas.

Will they ever learn?

When will they ever learn?

Where have all the young girls gone?

Long time passing

Where have all the flowers gone?

Young girls picked them Every one

When will they ever learn?

When will they ever learn?

Mitzi!

Where have you been?

Is the baby okay?

The baby's fine.

Good, 'cause you're gonna have to squeeze that bump into a wedding dress tomorrow

to undo some of this damage you've done.

I'm so sorry, Maxine.

I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

I was just really scared.

I'd be scared too, saddling up with a killer like Norma!

Not Norma.

Jed.

I'm sorry, who's Jed?

Jedebedahia, from the Fang and Tail.

Fang and Tail?

The alligator sommelier?

He's your...

He's the father?

He was mad you were going to take half the baby money.

That's why he killed your sister.

He thought it was you.

He did this?

Jed killed Mirabelle?

And he wanted me to kill Evelyn.

I went to Mary's where he'd been staying.

He's not there.

I think he may have hurt her too.

Oh, no.

He'll kill anyone who stands between him and the money.

Oh, no.

Bootlegger?

I'm sorry we quarreled.

I just...

I just wanted you to stay.

People always leave.

Please come back.

Bootlegger?

Well, I guess it's just you and me now.

Oh, thank God!

Eddie?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Can you ever forgive me?

I hated the way we left things.

Dad.

Hi, Rafael.

I'm so happy you're here.

Come on in.

Help, help. Help me. Help!

Someone!

All you people are so damn greedy.

Gators is less greedy than you!

Goddamn it!

I am so sick and tired of women ruining my life.

Oh, no! No!

Let me go! Let me go!

Bootlegger?

Someone help! Help!

- Let me go! - Are you up there?

It's time you learn who's boss.

Maxine?