All language subtitles for George Carlin - Carlin On Campus [eng]

[School bell]

Welcome to the home
of the class clown,

the theater of
suppressed laughter.

When you were in school,
did you notice

that simply because
you weren't allowed to laugh,

it made the laughing
that much better.

That there was something
about trying to hold it in

that made you laugh even harder.

And it wasn't just in school,
church was the same way.

In fact, church was even better

because in church, there was
the additional possibility

of perhaps being stricken dead
by an angry God.

Well, Catholic schools
combined the two things,

religion and the classroom,

an extra challenge for
the resourceful class clown.

Now, class clowns probably
had a lot of reasons

for doing what they did,

but for my part,
I always enjoyed getting laughs

because usually
the person who laughed

was the one who got in trouble.

I could whip a quick face
on Roger, hey Roger,

and then Roger would be suddenly
leaving the classroom,

accused of having
no self-control.

Hey, I figured if I'm not gonna
get an education,

why should anybody else.

Probably the best
attention getter of all

was the old reliable
artificial fart under the arm.

It wasn't really
a special skill,

lots of people could do it,

but class clowns
could do it a little quicker,

and a little louder.

And who else but the class clown

would have his shirt
specially made for easy access.

No fumbling,
no missed opportunities,

just reach in
and squeeze off a few.

I don't care,
I'm glad she kicked me out,

I didn't wanna be
in there anyway.

Now I can go where
I always wanted to go,

where I really belong.

Hey there, how are you?

Howdy.

Thank you very much.
How are you?

Hello, over there, everybody.

Howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy.

Nice to see you all.

Hello.

Hello there, thank you,
thank you.

Nice of you.

Thanks a lot, thank you.

Seem like you're ready
for some fun.

Yeah.

Well, you know, they say blondes
have more fun.

Unfortunately,
they also have more VD.

Just kind of goes
with the territory, you know?

I'll tell you something else,
between herpes and AIDS,

I don't care if I ever get laid
again as long as I live.

And I'm certainly
not gonna be humping

any Haitian hemophiliac
homosexual heroin addicts.

Tell you one good thing
about herpes though,

finally the people from Brooklyn

have a disease
they can mispronounce.

Herpes.

That's the first one
they've had like that since, uh,

tuberculosis.

They gave me something here to,
uh, bring to your attention.

This is, oh, I see,

a message from the National
Pancake Institute,

and it says, "fuck waffles."

Something you might
wanna keep in mind

when you drop into Denny's
a little later in the evening.

Actually, uh, if you don't mind,

I'd like to begin the show
with a prayer.

Uh, I'm not too sure
about prayer in school,

but I definitely believe
in prayer in comedy.

Some nights
it's absolutely necessary.

So this is a little prayer
I wrote myself.

I don't mean
I wrote it to myself,

I mean me, myself personally,
I wrote the goddamn prayer.

And it's dedicated to the
separation of church and state.

"Our Father who art in heaven,

and to the Republic
for which it stands,

thy kingdom come,
one nation indivisible,

as it is in heaven,

give us this day as we forgive
those who so proudly we hail.

And crown thy good
into temptation,

but deliver us
from the twilight, amen."

Just a little way to start.

I don't believe you're supposed
to cheer a prayer,

but we do still have time
for a quick Hail Mary.

Hail Mary!

Not quite that quick, sir.

Those of you who are Catholic

will recognize
the quick Hail Mary.

"Hail Mary full
of our death, amen."

Actually, there's
a quicker version...

"H-amen."

That's the one you say when
you're falling from a truck.

And now, God, my requests,

I always save my requests

for after the formal prayers,
don't you?

Sets him up.

Please God, let me do
a good show tonight.

Don't let me be an asshole.

Don't let anyone yell,
too late...

Too late.

- And punish those who do.

Let me arrive safely back
at my hotel room,

don't let me be attacked
by a maniac

wearing a French tickler
and a space helmet,

don't let my beard
become entangled

in the gears
of a transcontinental bus,

and don't let me be hit
by a flying turd.

Help me find some shoes
I really like,

help me also to find
a nymphomaniac coke connection

who owns a Ferrari dealership.

Don't let me catch VD
from a female welder,

don't let me catch VD
from a male welder.

Give Barry Manilow
a boil on his ass.

And if it's at
all possible, God,

please try to make
all of our sex organs

even larger than you did
the first time.

Well, I always like
to throw in one request

that everyone else
can get in on, too, you know?

So I say live and let live,
that's my motto,

live and let live.

Anyone who can't
go along with that,

take him outside
and shoot the motherfucker.

It's a simple philosophy,

but it's always worked
in our family.

Just had, uh, just,
you know, it's weird,

just had that little feeling,

you ever get that funny little,
that kind of feeling,

that vuja de?

You know, not deja vu,
this is vuja de.

This is the strange feeling

that somehow none of this
has ever happened before.

And then it's gone, you know?

By the way,
ladies and gentlemen,

this is our 200th show
in a series of 114,

and is dedicated
to the St. Louis Home

For The Totally Fucked

All proceeds from the show

will be going to help fight
a terrible affliction,

frothing at the crotch.

Well, it was either that
or inverted nipples, you know?

Let me ask you
a personal question,

have you ever tried to fart and
blow your nose at the same time?

You can't do them together,
can you?

It's like you're afraid
you'll lose complete control

and wind up cleaning
far more of the house

than you had intended.

Yeah, I got little things
over here.

This is my office over here.
You notice that?

It's gotta be my office, right?

Sure, if that's my job,
it's gotta be my office.

Looks like a office to me.

Got the water cooler here.

That's the first thing
I always looked for

when I worked in
an office, you know,

the water cooler,

little place to hang out

in between periods of making
believe I was working.

Actually, it's just a little
place for my stuff,

you gotta have that,

you gotta have a little place to
put your stuff during the day,

during the evening,
whatever it is, don't ya? Sure.

Everybody's gotta have a little
place for their stuff,

that's all life is about.

That's the meaning of life,

trying to find a place
to keep your stuff.

That's all your house is,
think of it,

that's all your house is,
it's a place to keep your stuff.

If you didn't have
so much goddamn stuff,

you wouldn't need a house.

You could just walk around
all the time.

That's all your house is,

it's a pile of stuff
with a cover on it.

That's all your house is,
it's a place to keep your stuff

while you go out
and get more stuff.

Sometimes you gotta move,
sometimes you gotta move,

you gotta get a bigger house.

Why? Too much stuff.

Now, sometimes
you go on vacation,

you gotta bring some
of your stuff with you.

You can't take all your stuff,
just the stuff you really like,

the stuff that fits you
good that month.

You gotta take a smaller
version of your stuff.

Say you're gonna go
to Honolulu for two weeks,

two weeks in Honolulu, you gotta
take two big bags of stuff.

You get to Honolulu, you fly
halfway across an ocean,

and you get to Honolulu,
get in the hotel room

and you put away your stuff,

that's the first thing you do
in a hotel room

is put away your stuff.

I'll put some stuff here,
I'll put some stuff there,

you put your stuff over there,
I'll put my stuff over here.

Here's another place
to put some stuff.

Here's another place over here.

Hey, we got more places
than we got stuff.

We're gonna have
to buy more stuff.

But you put your stuff away,

and you know that you're
a long way from home,

and you don't quite feel
100 percent at home,

but you know that
you must be okay

because you do have
some of your stuff with you.

And you begin to relax,
you know, I feel okay, hey.

That's when your friend
from Maui calls up,

says hey, why don't you come
over to Maui for the weekend,

spend a couple of nights
over here.

Oh, shit, now what do I bring?

Can't bring all this stuff.

Right, you've gotta bring

an even smaller
version of your stuff,

just enough stuff
for a weekend on Maui.

And you go over to Maui, and
you're really spread out now,

you've got shit
all over the world.

You've got stuff in the
mainland, stuff in Honolulu,

you got stuff with you,

supply lines are getting longer
and harder to maintain.

But you get over there to Maui

and they give you a little place
to sleep, you know,

a little window sill

and you put your stuff, because
you don't have much stuff now,

on the window sill.

You put your favorite stuff,

your jumbo size Visine,

your trim nail clippers,

your odor eaters
45-day guarantee,

and your Afrin 12-hour
decongestant nasal spray.

And you begin to relax,
you know?

That's when your
friend says, hey,

I think tonight we'll go over
to the other side of the island,

visit my friend,
maybe stay over.

Oh, shit.

Now what do you bring?

Well, now you just
bring the things

you know you're gonna need:

Money, keys, comb, wallet,
lighter, hankie, pens,

cigarettes, contraceptives,
Vaseline, whips, chains,

whistles, dildoes and a book.

Maybe a little dental floss,

depending on who's on
the other side of the island.

It's-no-bullshit.

The Curran Family
of Boston, Massachusetts

had to leave their dog,
Ma Barker, behind

when they moved across
the country to Seattle.

Two weeks after they arrived
at their new home,

the dog showed up
in Dallas, Texas.

By mistake, she had taken
Interstate 44 out of St. Louis.

It's-no-bullshit.

In Alton, Illinois,
a farmer named Cliff Miller

found an ear of corn with
a hearing aid growing out of it.

It's-no-bullshit.

The Zomoro Tribe in Central
Africa is slowly dying out

because at 13 years of age,

they initiate their young
by putting them to death.

It's-no-bullshit.

Empress Minutia of Ancient
Sumetria ruled for 71 years

without once going
to the bathroom.

She believed the devil
lived in the toilet.

It's amazing,

it's astounding,

but it's-no-bullshit.

Sure, sure, what are you crazy,
hey, get out of here.

Sometimes I go like this.

And then I wonder why.

Have you noticed that mice
have no shoulders at all?

You put a necklace on a mouse,
it goes right down to his waist.

They think it's a belt,
what do they know,

they're fucking mice, you know?

Have you ever owned one
of those little dogs, you know?

One of those over-bred dogs.

One of those dogs that just
shakes and pisses all the time?

And you have to
take him out for a pull,

come on, you,
come on, you asshole.

Those little dogs,
you know what they do?

Just before they take a shit
they go like this.

I get out of the way, you know,
whoa, look out.

Get behind a tree,
hold the leash, you know?

I had a little dog named Tippy
who, uh...

well, it's just one of the dogs
I had in my life.

That's what's great about dogs,
they don't live too long

and you can go
and get another one.

But Tippy was great and so nice,

and one time, one time
I fed Tippy Cracker Jacks,

cause that's
what I was having.

Hey, it sounded like
a good meal to me, you know?

Cracker Jacks and tap water.

She ate about a box
and a half of Cracker Jack,

and the next day
I took her for a walk,

she took a Cracker Jack.

Cracker Jack was coming
out of my dog.

I was waiting for the surprise,

hoping it wasn't a whistle
or a bird call.

There's certain basic hygiene

that you simply have to follow,
you know?

A lot of your comedians,

they come out and all they're
trying to do is tell jokes.

Bullshit.

I try and have a little
helpful stuff.

Consumer hints,
you might call them.

I'm a bit of a consumer
advocate, you know?

I care about those things.

What you gotta do in the
marketplace to stay alive.

I mean, not just
getting ripped off,

but you gotta be
a defensive shopper now.

Tylenol is what started me
on this whole thing.

Is that a Tylenol?

Whoa, goddamn, that was cyanide
they were putting in there.

You know, hey, shit,
I'd rather have a headache.

To me I figure, hey, maybe
the headache will go away.

That cyanide shit hangs on.

I certainly hope those people

don't get to the Preparation H
real soon,

I'll tell you that.

Hey, that's all it takes
is one Crazy Glue freak,

you know what I mean?

That's right.

The whole society would come
to a halt, believe me.

Do you realize that Ex Lax is
really just old bad chocolate

that gives you the runs?

A lot of people
aren't aware of this stuff.

Let me ask you
a breakfast question,

what wine goes
with Captain Crunch?

I have trouble selecting a wine
in the mornings.

Sometimes I give up all together

and smoke a bong
full of Fruit Loops

and go on back to bed, you know?

Yeah!

Smoke a bong full of
Fruit Loops, go back to bed

and watch the Midmorning Movie.

Call into work, call into work
around 11:00 o'clock,

tell the boss
you smoked some Fruit Loops

and you're watching a movie,

and you'll be in around 2:00
o'clock if you feel like it.

That's the way you
gotta treat the boss,

you can't take shit from a guy
just because you work for him.

Let him know who the real boss
is, tell him it's your job.

Hey, it's my job,
I'll do it my way!

That's what they like,
snappy answers.

Even if you're just going
in for a job interview,

let him know what
kind of a guy you are,

have a beer can opener
and a bunch of swizzle sticks

sticking out of
your pocket up here.

Let him know you
consider partying to be

sort of a career of its own.

And you'd like an office
right near the front

so you can get the fuck out
at 5:00 o'clock

in a big, big hurry,

you know what I mean,
I ain't staying around here.

Tell him what's happening,

then ask him politely
what his attitude is

on Monday and Friday
absenteeism.

Tell him you don't need
a two-martini lunch,

but you gotta have
a one-joint coffee break.

Let him know you'd like
to start next month,

but you must be paid
immediately.

Then if you still
don't have the job,

point to the picture on his desk
and say, who's the cunt?

That'll get you right in.

Probably have a nice long career
with that company.

Well...

I noticed another one of these
has, um, come in.

This one is from the National
Waffle Institute.

I wonder what this one says;

"French toast sucks."

Well, I have these notes and I
look at them now and then,

but most of the time
I know them anyway.

Reminds me of something my
grandfather used to say,

he used to say
I'm going upstairs

and fuck your grandmother.

Well, he was an honest guy,
you know?

He wasn't gonna lie
to a little kid.

I've been feeling
strange lately,

my jock came back
from the laundry

with teeth marks in it,
you know?

We take that as an omen
in my family.

You ever see a guy like this?

Gee, I hope I don't.

Let's do this tomorrow.

Everybody let's do this tomorrow
at 3:00 o'clock.

Perhaps no one will know why.

Think for a moment about the
concept of the flame thrower.

Okay, the flame thrower.
Because we have them.

Well, we don't have them,
the Army has them.

That's right, we don't have any
flame throwers.

I'd say we're fucked

if we have to go up against
the Army, wouldn't you?

But we have flame throwers,
and what this indicates to me,

it means that at some point,
some person said to himself,

gee, I sure would like to set
those people on fire over there,

but I'm way too far away
to get the job done.

If only I had something that
would throw flame on them.

Well, it might have
ended right there,

but he mentioned it
to his friend,

his friend who
was good with tools.

And about a month later he was
back, hey, quite a concept.

And of course, the Army heard
about it and they came around

We'd like to buy about
500,000 of them, please.

We have some people we'd like
to throw flame on.

Give us 500,000 and
paint them dark brown.

We don't want anyone
to see them.

Camouflage, what a great idea,
camouflage.

Have you noticed in the
television film from Beirut

they have on camouflage suit.

There aren't fucking trees
within 25 miles of Beirut, man.

They should have store fronts
and car grilles on there,

you know? Disco.

Uh, you wanna go for a ride,
you wanna go for a ride.

Let me go, let me get this.

Let's go for a ride, okay?

Well, actually, you'll go
for a ride, I'll go for a drive.

The person who drives the car,

they're the one who
goes for a drive.

The other people,
they go for a ride.

People don't know that, tell
them when they're in your car.

Say, you assholes
are going for a ride,

I'm going for a drive, cause
I'm making the payments on this.

And this is my car,
for purposes of discussion.

And it's like any car,
it's tough to get into it.

You know, you gotta get in
the car first.

And it's not easy
if you think about it,

there's a certain amount of risk
involved getting in the car.

Have you noticed
how wonderful it is

the way they designed the car,

that the driver's door
is right out in the middle

of goddamn traffic.

Holy shit.

I mean, you haven't even gotten
in this death machine yet

and you almost died once.

What you need is
a nice, long red light

back about a mile and a half,

cause you need a little time
and space to get in your car,

with a little style and grace.

I've often held up traffic
for two or three hours

just going into my car.

Now as I said, this is my car.

My car has one
of those door handles,

a lot of people have them
I think now,

the kind of door handles

which is recessed a little bit
into the door,

and your fingers actually go
in a little before they grab it.

Don't you like that?

I like that.

That's why they're not gonna
make it anymore.

They found out we like that.

And my door, when I open my
door, my door goes whoooot.

And my door swings all the way
open, you know what I mean?

All the way open.

I don't have one of those fancy
doors that hangs there half-way

and stays there, you know?

My door is either
fucking closed, or fucking open.

That's it, we got two things,
pick one.

And if you're gonna do
anything really tricky

like get in the car,

you better prop that door open
with a broom handle, Jack.

Cause sure as shit it's gonna
come back and whoooot, whoa.

Oh, and that hurts for about
a year and a half, you know?

And the little purple ring
never goes away.

Now, I have an additional
problem getting into my car

because my driver's seat is
pushed all the way forward

on those two little runners,

and it's never,
never coming back again.

There are about 50 of those
little pop top beer can rings

all fused into
one piece of metal,

and this thing
is never gonna move

unless there's an atomic attack.

Now we get in the car
if we can and get going here.

Well, we had one
additional thing,

you may have parked
in this parking lot

where you had
full access to your car

when you went into
the shopping center,

but now that you've
been in there,

some asshole has
parked right next to you,

and you have about
four degrees clearance now,

and you gotta try and get in,

and you're carrying
12 gifts and wearing a top hat.

Plus, your back
is not built for this.

You know, backs are not
made for getting into cars.

I'll tell you, my back hurts
just standing around thinking.

Imagine this shit.

And besides your back,
getting in like this,

you also risk serious ball
injury from the steering wheel.

So far the worst thing that's
happened is the flow through

my femoral artery has been cut
off for over 18 minutes.

Fortunately, I was parked
in front of a first aid station

at the time.

But I'm in the car
and I'm right up front.

What I mean is I'm forward in
this car, you know what I mean?

I'm right on
the fire wall, okay?

Hey, if I want to look
at the speedometer, I gotta go.

But at least
I'm in the car, ha ha.

And the goddamn door
is still wide open.

Well, maybe I can reach it,
you know?

Maybe without dislodging myself,
I can reach and close the...

Fuck it, we'll drive
with the door open today.

It's a lovely day anyway,
isn't it?

And they say it helps you
on left-hand turns.

Okay, now we're gonna be going

for this drive/ride
any minute here.

First, a philosophical question:

Have you ever noticed
when you're driving

that anyone who's driving
slower than you is an idiot?

And anyone driving faster
than you is a maniac.

Say, look at this idiot here,

will you just look at this idiot
just creeping along.

Whoa, look at that maniac go.

I mean, it's a wonder
we ever get anywhere at all

with all the idiots
and maniacs there are,

because there's certainly
no one driving at my speed.

I don't let anybody drive
at my speed, do you?

Bullshit, some guy
is going my speed,

fuck him, I slow down, man.

Let him get up ahead
a little bit.

I can keep an eye on that
asshole from back here.

I like to know who
I'm driving near.

I'll often ask for personal
references at a yield sign.

Okay, now certain stuff
we want to remember

before we go for a drive,
certain basic things.

First of all, there are some
things that happen in the car,

little embarrassments
you suffer,

but everyone knows about them.

Uh, this is an example
of what I mean,

have you ever been driving
someone else's car

and they're
in the car for some reason,

you know what I mean?

You're driving their car
and they're there, too.

Let's say they fell out
of a window

and broke both of their knees
in a courtyard

for the sake of argument,

and they can't drive,
and you're driving their car.

And you're used to your car,

and your turn signal

is mounted on the opposite side
of the steering column

from their turn signal,

and you go to shift gears
and you...

break off their
fucking turn signal.

Holy shit, came right off,
didn't it?

Have to throw that mother away.

Goddamn, you have to get
a new one of them.

Shit, that broke easy,
didn't it?

Some things break easy,
don't they?

Some things just come
right off.

Radio knobs in a car,
God, they're fragile.

Just trying to
tune something in,

just trying to find something
you can tolerate.

Holy shit, came right off,
look at that.

Throw that mother away.

Give me one out of the bag, I
got about 80 of them down there,

Thank you.

And you wind up listening
to something

just the other side
of the glove compartment.

Now here's an
embarrassing thing,

this is really embarrassing,

this will stay with you
for several hundred miles.

You know those things you
don't shake off right away,

like when you almost got killed

by the big tractor
trailer truck,

and you had to pull over
for 20 minutes

and not do anything
but listen to your heart.

This is the same kind of thing.

And this is one you do it,
you do it yourself.

This is so great.

Did you ever pull up
to a red light

and you go a little bit too far
into the intersection,

so you put the car in reverse

and you back up
just a little bit,

and then you forget
the car is in reverse.

You're truly an accident
waiting to happen.

And then the light changes
and (crash).

Holy shit!
How did I get back here?

This is where I started from.

God, you gotta pay attention,

even at the red lights,
don't you?

I thought sure
they were for resting.

Didn't it seem that way to you,

drive a little while,
rest a little while.

Oh, you have a lot of fun
at the red lights.

Did you ever kill somebody
at the red light?

You can do it, they're walking
right in front of you, man.

Let's kill this asshole, huh?

Nah, let him go, hey,
let's kill this broad, okay?

No, fuck it, let her go.
Okay.

Let's not kill anybody today.

Two people saved,
man changes mind.

Here's a little red light story
somebody told me.

A guy is driving along,

he's got someone sitting
right next to him

and he goes right
through a red light.

The guy says what are you doing?

He said never mind will ya,
my brother drives like this.

He goes a little bit further,
comes to another red light,

right through it.

What you doing?

I told you, will you stop it,
my brother drives like this.

He comes to a green light
and he stops.

What are you doing?

Well, my brother might
be coming the other way.

What's the first thing they
teach you in driver education,

they tell you where to put your
hands on the steering wheel.

They tell you to put them at
10:00 o'clock and 2:00 o'clock.

Bullshit, I put mine
at 9:45 and 2:17,

gives me an extra half an hour
to get to work, you know?

By the way,
use everything on your car,

you know what I mean?

It's yours, fuck it,
you paid for the car,

use everything, man.

Flip your sun visor even
on a cloudy day, who knows,

flip it over here,
flip it up and down,

flip it on the side
like the French people do.

Flip the other one,
even if no one is there,

open the ash tray, push in the
lighter even if you don't smoke,

turn all the knobs,
have a lot of fun.

Put your hand out the window,
tell people to stop,

you have power, power, stop,
hold on, you stop, oh.

And then let one person go,
okay, you can go.

Not you, you go.

Okay, hey, fuck it,
have a little fun,

you paid for the car,
you know what I mean?

Now, a couple of things
for the road

like let's remember not
to get behind anybody weird,

or even somebody mildly weird.

You ever been behind a guy

whose turn signal
has been on for 80 miles?

And you say well, maybe he's
just really cautious, you know?

I'm not gonna pull out now,
he may go at any moment.

And you find out later

he was going around
the world to the left.

You ever have somebody behind
you whose brights are on?

Isn't that fun, someone behind
you whose brights are on.

Someone who just had
his headlights aimed

and wants to show you what a
wonderful job the mechanic did.

You know how you take care
of those people, don't you?

Slam on the brakes, let
them plow right into you, man.

Sure puts them fucking lights
out in a big hurry,

I'll tell you that.

Let him find his way home,
you know what I mean?

He got out, he can get home.

Another kind of person
you don't wanna get behind

is anybody ssssslow.

Boy, that's really good
for your arteries

when you get behind somebody
really, really sloooow.

There are two classes
of human beings

to avoid in this category

The first one is,

any woman whose head
you can't see in the car at all.

Any four-foot woman
in a Cadillac is certain death.

I'd pull over and take
public transportation, myself.

I'm not fucking
with a ghost car, you know?

Let someone else flag
down the Flying Dutchman,

it's not my job.

You say well,
maybe it's just coasting.

No, I see knuckles.

It's definitely not a robot car.

And the other type of person,

I want to keep these
books in balance,

the other type of person

whom you don't want to get
anywhere near, much less behind,

any man over 70 wearing a hat,

especially a checkered hat
with earflaps...

in August.

Cause you know you get pissed.

Even if you think you're
a pretty cool customer,

you know you get pissed
sometimes.

Don't you wish sometimes

instead of having
those cute little lights

on the front of your car,

you had 50 caliber machine guns
mounted up there?

I'd cream this cocksucker
if I had real ammunition, Maude.

Or you wish you had a rented car
for just half an hour

so you could bash this asshole
and pay the $50 deductible

and be done with him,
you know what I mean?

Just trying to ease him up
into second gear.

Or, you wish you
had a message board

that would come up
out of the trunk of your car

and you could type in
any message you like.

You drive like
old people fuck...

slow and sloppy.

You ever been driving through
heavy downtown kind of traffic,

you know, block to block,
street to street, busy area,

not freeway
but street to street,

people backing out
at 5:00 o'clock, busy stuff,

maybe it's winter
and it's dark already

and it's raining a little bit,
got the window open,

you can hear the rain,
you can hear the traffic,

people bumping into each other,
got the radio on,

got the windshield wipers going.

So everything is
happening at once,

radio, windshield, rain,
traffic, everything going on,

and you're just trying
to get across town

to take care
of something, you know?

And you get over there
and park the car,

turn off the key and go inside,
take care of the business,

and you come out
and you turn on the key,

and the goddamn radio
is this loud.

Could I possibly have
been listening to that?

You know, I believe someone
broke into this car

and tampered with
my volume control,

and that's the only thing
they touched.

Here's something
you'll be doing tonight,

this is one you do all the time,
if you get in the car

you're committed to do this
following thing over and over.

When you're driving,

you have to decide which car
to get behind at the red light.

There's a block to go, there are
three lanes to choose from,

it's completely up to you

to decide who's the really fast
asshole in this group up ahead.

Now, just a couple
of things to remind you

before I tow this trusty little
thing back to the garage,

a couple of things
that go without saying,

that's why I'm going
to say them.

Uh, first of all, when you're
driving, let's all keep in mind,

when you're driving and you come
to the scene of an accident,

for God sakes, slow down and try
to find out what's going on.

And if you can't see enough,

ask the policeman
to bring the bodies over

a little closer to your car.

Say, would you bring
them over here?

My wife has never seen a man
shaped in quite that manner.

That's what they're here for,
to protect, to serve

and to bring the bodies over
a little closer to the car.

And the other thing which we've
all heard a million times

but it bears repeating, drinking
and driving simply do not mix,

so do your drinking early
and get it out of the way,

and then go driving.

See ya, thank ya, whoa,
a little tow job.

Thank you.

Okay, thanks, man.

Yeah, all right.

Sure.

Scientists in Switzerland
announced today

they have been able to mice fart
by holding them upside down

and tapping them on the stomach
with a ballpoint pen.

Tragedy struck the parade today

as an open manhole claimed
the lives of 1100 marchers,

one at a time.

The Food and Drug Administration
announced this week

the following
consumer information:

Baloney causes night blindness,

tuti fruity ice cream
causes homosexuality,

and chicken a la provencal
with truffles and white wine

causes brain damage.

A man has barricaded himself
inside of his house, however,

he is not armed and no one is
paying any attention to him.

A man who was shot in the chest
nine times yesterday

and refused treatment...

died today.

Here's a human interest story
about man's best friend.

It seems that 63-year-old James
Driscoll was asleep last week

in his downtown hotel room.

He awakened to the sound
of a dog barking.

When he woke, the room was full
of smoke and he could not see.

The dog led him out of the room,
down the hall,

and into an elevator shaft

where he plunged eight stories
to his death.

Seems it wasn't his dog.

The results of the blind
person's golf tournament

have just come in.

The winner was Johnny Downing
with 1,829 strokes,

just enough to beat
Larry Powell,

who lost any chance
he might have had

when he took a 312
on the final hole.

The Nobel Prize in mathematics

has been awarded
to a California professor

who has discovered
a new number.

The number is "bleen,"

which he claims belongs
between six and seven.

A priest who has performed over
300 exorcisms was eaten today

by a green boogie man.

In northern Montana today,
a woman was severely injured

when she attempted to force
breast feed a wild boar.

This morning on a busy downtown
street corner, a dog exploded.

No one was killed, however
12 people were overcome by fur.

Police estimate
that 50 to 60 fleas

also lost their lives
in the blast.

Let me ask you
a personal question,

have you ever been
making out with someone

and one of you has
a snot that's whistling?

Well, first you gotta find out
who it is, you know?

Then you gotta figure out
which side it's on.

Did you ever have a hatchet
go right through your face?

You know, I'm talking about
a good shot.

Isn't it strange,
it's the funniest feeling,

cause just after
the hatchet goes in,

before you feel any pain,

you feel this blast of cool air
in the middle of your brain.

I love that, it feels so good,
but you know,

that's the only way
I can attain it,

and so I try not to get
too hung up on it.

Something I think about quite
often is the rain dance.

If they do a rain dance,

wouldn't you have to do
rain dance practice... first?

Wouldn't that come first?

Wouldn't you have
to have practice?

I mean, some guys
would have forgotten,

some guys didn't know it,

some guys didn't pay
attention last year.

You know, you gotta have
rain dance practice.

And what I'm wondering is, if
you have rain dance practice,

does it rain during practice?

And if it doesn't how do you
know if you have it right?

And if it does,

why bother with the goddamn
dance in the first place?

Why not, you know, you need
a little water, call practice.

These are the kind of things
I think of when I'm home alone

and the television is broken.

You know the best thing about
living right on the seashore,

you only have assholes
on three sides of you.

And if they come
from that direction,

you can hear them splash.

Well, I use that word a lot,
asshole.

So do lots of people,
you know, asshole.

You asshole.
This guy is an asshole.

Are you kidding with
this asshole over here?

What an asshole.

What do these assholes think
they're doing anyway?

Well, it's a great external
target for you.

It's a great way
to express yourself,

this kind of asshole, that one.

And I've been calling assholes
a lot of years, you know?

And I've noticed one thing,

the amount of
an asshole a person is,

is directly proportional to the
distance they are away from you

at the time you discover
this flaw.

Someone on TV is really
an asshole.

Someone in a car is pretty much
of an asshole.

Someone standing
right next to you on line,

that guy is a real asshole,
you know?

The closer they are,
the nicer they get, you know?

Have you ever been
talking to someone

and a little bit
of spit flies off your tongue

and lands right
on the man's nose?

And you say, Jesus,
didn't he see that?

Then you think well, maybe
he's just a really cool guy.

He saw it but he figures
it'll evaporate.

He's a science teacher.

Talk about little
embarrassments.

Did you ever go the doctor's
office waiting room

and you sit down and it turns
out to be one of those cushions

that sounds like you farted?

Don't you stand up right away,

and then do it
three times in a row?

So they'll all know
it wasn't you.

Hey, not me, huh,
cushion sounds like a fart, hey.

No smell, just the cushion, see?

Hey, let's not tell the next guy
who comes in.

Or your stomach begins
a conversation with you,

always in a quiet situation,
isn't it?

Always in a quiet setting.

It never has anything to say
when I'm out at the rifle range.

But you let me get into the
dentist's office waiting room,

everyone is quiet,
everyone is in pain,

and everyone is reading.

And I'm looking through a copy
of Molar World myself,

and my stomach thinks
it's show time

and starts in with little
things like... (sound).

Don't you cough
and try to drown it out?

Make a lot of noise
with the magazine,

push on your stomach

and hope the noise will go back
into your kidneys.

Then it goes... (sound).

Then it starts in
with complete sentences,

we have no money for food,

we're poor.

Don't listen to my stomach, huh,

it doesn't know
what it's talking about.

And you're just trying
to get through the day,

but little things await you,

little moments
you have to deal with.

Did you ever start to belch
and then almost puke?

It's like a medical emergency.

You say, Jesus, I almost puked!

Turns out it was a belch,
but puke was involved.

This was a semi puke related
belch incident.

God, it's an awful feeling,
you know?

Not just the taste,
which is bad enough,

but it's the whole idea,

just the idea of the thing
that bothers me.

You know, I don't know whether
I'm almost sick or not.

I think sheesh,
maybe I'm almost sick.

Perhaps I shouldn't go out
under these circumstances.

You know, you wouldn't
want to get out

and be outdoors somewhere
and get sick on some stranger.

Better to stay home and get sick
on people you love.

Cause nobody likes
to get sick, you know?

If being sick were fun, shit,

I'd be sick all
the time, myself.

You'd have parties for it.

People would say hey,
come on over to the house,

we're all gonna get sick.

You never hear that,
it's no fun.

But fortunately, for us,
we don't get sick right away,

all of a sudden, you know?

It doesn't happen out of the
blue that suddenly you're sick.

You're not walking along
the street and then... (sound).

Doesn't happen like that.

Usually, before you get sick,

there's a little period of time
when you don't feel good,

and that does come first,
doesn't it?

Say, what's the matter with you,
what are you sick?

No, I just don't feel good.

I don't know what it is,
you know, cause I'm not sick.

But I don't feel right.

I feel like, I feel like,
I could get sick

if I really wanted, you know?

But I don't wanna,
and I hope I don't.

Well, that's what he says now,

that he doesn't
want to get sick.

You check that same guy
in a half an hour

and you know what
he'll be saying,

geez, I wish I would get sick
and get it over with.

Finally, you just want to get it
over with, don't you?

Because almost being sick is
worse than actually being sick.

After all, once you're sick,
shit, you're sick now.

Everything's different
once you're sick.

People treat you nice
once you're sick.

You don't feel good, you're just
a big pain in the ass.

People treat you nice once they
know you're officially sick.

Hey, most places have
a different attitude

if you're sick,

your city, the place you live,
a whole different attitude.

Most places have
a sanitary code.

If you spit on the sidewalk
it's a $50 fine.

Vomiting is free!

Well, how did they arrive
at that price schedule?

Wouldn't it seem to you like
the bigger the mess,

the bigger the fine?

Hey, look at this guy here,
$1500 here.

Hey, leave the guy alone,
can't you see the guy is sick.

Go ahead buddy,
it's on the house.

Actually, it's on your trousers.

And they say you threw up.

Check your shoes,
looks like you threw down.

That's one of them phrases
that doesn't really mean

what it says, you know?

God, you don't throw up,
if anything, you throw out.

If you threw up, you'd have
to get out of the way.

Being sick doesn't
even sound very good.

I mean, the sound of the word
is bad enough, sick.

I'm sick.

Excuse me, I'm sick.

If you ever want
to clear a path in a crowd,

that's the way you do it.

Excuse me, I'm sick.

Cripples will get out
of your way.

You can be out of the football
stadium in 10 seconds

with one good loud
excuse me, I'm sick.

They'll clear a path
to your home,

cause don't nobody want
no vomit on his pennant.

Well, I'd like to do something
called baseball and football,

and it, uh... thank you,
that's nice...

because these two things
are such a part of our lives,

these two activities,

and yet, they're so different.

Baseball is pastoral,
19th century.

Football is technological,
20th century.

Baseball is played on a diamond,
in a park, the baseball park.

Football is played
on a gridiron in a stadium,

War Memorial Stadium.

In baseball, you wear a cap.

In football, you wear a helmet.

Baseball has
a seventh inning stretch.

Football has
a two-minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit,

we don't know how long
it's gonna last.

We might have extra innings.

Football is rigidly timed,
and it will end

even if we have to go
to sudden death.

Football is based on downs,
what down is it?

Baseball is based on ups,
who's up, are you up?

I'm not up.

In football, you get a penalty.

In baseball, you make an error,
whoops.

In baseball in the stands

there's something
of a picnic feeling,

you know,
emotions may run high

but there's not that much
unpleasantness.

In football in the stands,
you can be sure

that at least 27 times
during the game

you were capable of taking the
life of a fellow human being,

preferably a stranger.

And to sum this up, the object
of the games, quite different,

the object of the game in
football is for the quarterback,

otherwise known
as the field general,

to be on target with
his aerial assault,

riddling the defense

by hitting his receivers
with deadly accuracy

in spite of the blitz,

even if he has
to use the shotgun.

With short bullet passes
and long bombs,

he marches his troops
into enemy territory,

balancing this aerial assault
with a sustained ground attack

which punches holes
in the forward wall

of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball,
the object is to go home.

I'm going home, I'm going home.

Well, I don't have
an ending for that,

but that'll do until one comes
along, you know what I mean?

This weekend, sports fans won't
wanna miss, Universe of Sports.

More unusual sports
from around the world.

From Turkey,
teen wrestling with knives.

From France,
nude weight lifting.

From Norway, a look at a largely
forgotten sport,

underwater tobogganing.

From an elevator shaft
in New York City,

men's vertical frisbee.

From a nursing home in Oklahoma,
demolition walker.

From Texas, off-water boating.

And finally, the newest X-rated
sport from California,

roller-fucking.

Here's a cheer,
a sports cheer you can use,

I'm giving this to you.

Maybe you've heard it but, uh,
it's a gift for you,

and you can use this
in any sport.

I think of football more, uh,
you know,

appropriate for...
for cheers, I think.

But, but you could use this
for any sport,

intramural lacrosse, uh,

mud surfing,

cross-country bowling,

full contact chess,

Australian dick wrestling.

They have that on ESPN,
you know?

But here's a little cheer,
and a lot of people like it.

It goes like this: "Rat shit,
bat shit, dirty old twat,

69 assholes tied in a knot,
hooray, lizard shit, fuck."

Now, I'm gonna do that again

cause I know some of you
like to memorize these things.

And by the way,
if you're memorizing

and there are two people
in your party,

why not each one of you
memorize every other word.

Kind of cuts the labor
right in half.

It goes like this: "Rat shit,
bat shit, dirty old twat"...

perfectly normal way to begin
a cheer as far as I'm concerned

- "69 assholes tied in a knot"

- I don't know
what that means, either

- "hooray,
lizard shit, fuck."

Thank you very much.

Thank you all.

Next year, thank you.

See you later.

I don't know about that kids.

Ah, the hell with it.

Silent film star Mark Dunbar
died today in Hollywood,

he had no last words, however,
he did make several gestures.

{{}}