All language subtitles for George Carlin - On Location at USC [1977] [eng]

Good evening,
I'm Shana Alexander.

Home Box Office has asked me
to introduce tonight's

On Location featuring
George Carlin.

Tonight you will see
a performance usually seen

only if you can get
to the nightclubs,

college campuses, and theaters
where George Carlin

is a constant sell-out.

A portion of Mr. Carlin's
performance needs

special introduction,
at least for television.

His target is language,
how we use it and abuse it.

Some would simply say
that tonight's language

is very strong.

Others would say
it goes beyond this,

and would find it vulgar.

Aristophanes, Chaucer
and Shakespeare were vulgar,

too, at times.

Anyway, the segment is
controversial;

it provoked a legal proceeding

At the Federal Communications
Commission.

In March of this year
I am happy to say,

a federal court of appeals ruled
in favor of Mr. Carlin's right

to freedom of speech.

Home Box Office intends
to provide top programming

to subscribers of widely
different tastes.

One proof of that has been
their commitment to bring you

the best in contemporary comedy.

In the United States in 1977,
that includes George Carlin,

one of this generation's
philosophers of comedy,

defining, reflecting
and refining the way

we see our own time.

Home Box Office is proud
to present this

very important performer,
but we respect your decision

about whether you want to see
the program.

It contains language you hear
every day on the street,

though rarely on TV.

For those of you who already
know George Carlin,

you're in for a special evening.

For those of you who want
to know George Carlin,

I'm glad to be here
to introduce you.

And now,
George Carlin, On Location.

The people who have influenced
me, uh, for the most part,

I don't know about influenced,
but made me laugh the hardest,

and I guess the influence
would be part of that,

uh, was, as a child starting out
with Danny Kaye,

Abbott and Costello, Spike
Jones, the Marx Brothers.

Uh, then a little older,
like Ernie Kovacs, Bob and Ray,

and Steve Allen when, when he
first had those

late night shows.

Mort Saul, Lenny Bruce,
Jonathan Winters,

Nichols and May, and, uh, that
line of... of craziness.

I don't know how many had their
influence, some did obviously,

some more than others,

but Danny Kaye was the biggest
influence because it made me

want to be in show business.

So that would have to be the,
the starter, you know?

What are the most dramatic
ways you're forced to alter

your performances
for television?

Well, the, the most important
alteration is that you can't use

the body of language that's
generally called dirty

or bad or filthy language.

Um, that's the primary,
and that's not a big restriction

if you have something to say,
obviously you don't need

a series of, uh,
of... of street terms

to make your ideas clear.

But they're very useful
in enhancing ideas,

and enhancing characters.

And in, and in giving
the element of... of reality

to speech that,
that you want.

You can suspend that
for six minutes on television.

I wouldn't like to suspend it
for two hours on the stage,

cause I think it would take
something away from it.

Although I'm sure I could do
two hours without it,

I just feel that I'd missed
a lot of important emphases

if I didn't, uh, have access to
the whole language, you know?

When I was on the Ed Sullivan...

this is the funniest
censorship one I know of,

when I was on Ed Sullivan,

uh, I had two jokes
and one monologue

in... in one six-minute
area I was doing.

One was about Wallace,

it was during the time
of that election,

it was about Wallace, George
Wallace, and I said

he keeps calling everybody
pointy-head...

he... he refers to
pointy-headed intellectuals.

I said, have you ever seen

the sheets they wear down there,
or something like that.

It was, it was said better
so that it was a good joke.

I was referring to the Klan,
of course, right?

So that was a Klan joke.

The other thing was I was
referring to little crimes

we don't worry about
in this country,

like padding your income tax,
cheating on the expense account,

and genocide.

And that, and that was right

in the middle
of the Vietnam War.

So they told me I had a choice,
they said you can either

have the Wallace joke
or the genocide joke,

but you can't have both.

So I said take out the Wallace,
give me the genocide.

It seemed like a better joke.

So that's, uh, all
I can tell you.

But you don't go in there to try
and change their system usually.

You go in there to fit
within it for,

for your own narrow purposes,
you know?

Hello, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you all,

Hello.

Yeah, thank you.

Within the first few moments
he had the snakes going.

How are you all,
all right, huh?

You sound, geez...

Yeah, you sure sound like that.

Did you all come
in the same van, by any chance?

There's an awful lot
of unity here.

Anyway,

good to see you.

Fucking tourists, hmm.

What can you do?

Yeah, it's Home Box Office,
you know?

It's not our home yet, but
we can watch it at home.

Cause, uh, I never did a concert
before where I got a chance

to look at it later,
and, uh, tape it.

You can do that thing,
but I've always just avoided it.

But, uh, we're doing a little
tape for home consumption,

and, uh, are you nervous?

Yeah, you have a nice character.

It's, uh -
- pardon me?

What, what, louder,
is the louder family here?

They follow me everywhere.

They've been in every city
I've ever appeared in.

They just sit there and yell
their name, louder.

Yes, I know.

I know.

This is the Los Angeles louders.

Yes.

Yeah, when you do a sound
check with no bodies here,

it always changes a little.

Later we'll all get used
to how this place sounds,

not only to you and me,

but to the guy who's going
(sound).

We'll all meet each other
somewhere in the middle.

And if I think of anything
really intelligent,

I'll say it slowly and clearly.

But those periods will be
quite noticeable.

So, have you noticed there
aren't many Chinese guys

named Rusty?

It's true.

I assume the name just
never caught on over there,

you know?

Well, that's sort of my job
to think about stuff

that a lot of us are too busy
for most of the time.

Little things that occur to us,
we have universal ground,

you know?

We have little common areas
of turf that we all meet,

but stuff we don't talk about,
little experiences that happen,

they're just not
important enough.

You're thinking about
the economy,

you're thinking about
your future,

you're thinking about your
family,

you don't have time for little
things like did you ever,

did you ever belch
and almost puke?

I almost puked.

It was a belch,
but puke was involved.

Sometimes you belch and taste
a hot dog you had two days ago.

You might even remember
the setting, you know,

and the temperature,
there was a breeze,

who you were with, you know,
a lot of things,

just...

just gone so quickly,
you know?

Did you ever clear your throat
for another person?

Someone's talking and he has a
hocker and he's going (sound)

And you go (clears throat).

That ought to knock it loose.

So we share a lot
of little funny things.

Uh, when you're alone,
when someone in...

when you're in someone else's
house and they leave you

in the room, any room,
alone for a moment,

do you look in the drawers?

Yeah, I do.

Yaaah!

Yeah, I don't want to steal
anything, you know,

I just want to know where
everything is

in case I'm asked.

That's right, Officer,
the third drawer on the left.

Yeah, there it is.

You'll never get me
for withholding evidence.

Sure well, anyway,

we get to travel around
in a lot of spots alone.

You know, most places we go,
we go alone,

sometimes two people go places,
you know, two people, three,

four, a lot of different size
groups we have.

You know, we go places in
a lot of different sizes.

Sometimes there's 73 of us...

in the place, that's it,
73 of us went there.

Stadium, 80,000,
a jammed stadium.

Wow, 80,000 of us went there.

A million and a half
view parade.

Boy, a million and a half
of us getting together,

that's really a big bunch,
you know?

Come on, everybody, okay.

You know there's no place
that we've all been together,

there's no place
where everybody goes.

Wouldn't that be great
to have a meeting

that everybody would
have to go to.

Everybody, over here.

Wouldn't it be great if
everybody came to your house?

(knocking)

Who is it?

Everybody.

Hold on a minute,
Marge, chairs.

She's not prepared,
you don't just drop over.

Well, anyway,

so you know some of the kind
of places I'd like to,

to bring us,

we could go to play Monopoly...

in groups of, uh, four, five,
six, huh?

I guess, Monopoly.
I still play now and then.

I think you never leave
that completely.

You know, if they need
an extra guy, you know?

I don't start them up.

Come on, we need...
okay, put me in, I'll play.

Cause I was never very good
at it, you know?

I didn't, uh, do very well.

Well, all right, I have a couple
of railroads, you know?

I'm not a complete asshole.

I have a couple of railroads,
snap up Baltic Avenue

as soon as that
became available.

How much is that, 60,
let me have that mother.

About the best thing that I'd
ever have would be,

oh, maybe one piece of property
in the light blue series;

Oriental Avenue,

nothing on it, of course.

Maybe an excavation,

that's about all I ever had
on my stuff was...

plans...

surveyors marks.

All my friends had industrial
parks, condominiums,

shopping centers, malls,
oh boy, Carlin,

you're coming down
my side now, man.

Wow, big one.

Ha ha, hot shit, a 12.

Of course, you can't move your
token till you...

remember which one you had.

Which token did I have, which
did l... you had the...

maybe you had the...
I got the ship,

I get the battleship every game.

The worst token to have was
the gun, the big cannon.

It was the only token that
kept falling over, you know?

It was the only top heavy.

Throw the dice anywhere near
that one, boom, boom.

What are you, are you the gun,
are you the gun?

Pick it up, would you please?

And you, are you in jail
or just visiting?

Okay, well, put the car on the
outside if you're just visiting.

Some guys cared.

That's right.

That's why they won.

I never won.

I was always in there
at the end, though,

at the end of the game,

cause I'd have all
the one dollar bills, man.

Sure, 1500 in singles and they
needed me to make change, man,

for all their filthy deals.

No, I wasn't that good
at the game.

I, uh, generally I used to...

I would land on Chance
all the time,

I was constantly
landing on Chance.

Tried to buy it.

I'd get in more fights trying
to buy Chance.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

Chance,

(pop) little man with a hat.

$200 for being an asshole.

Shuffle them good,
that's the second time

I got that one.

Did you ever go to shake hands
with a guy

and he doesn't notice?

And you go...

and you have to make believe
it's something you do

all the time, you know?

Something I picked up
in college.

Seeing at the supermarket,

a lot of things happen
in the supermarket

that we all I think experience
when we're there.

Obviously it doesn't happen
to you when you're not there.

But, uh, little things like
have you ever selected an item

at the supermarket...

and begun to put it
in someone else's

basket by mistake.

You feel alien for a moment,
it's like, ooh, ooh,

I almost put that in his basket.

My basket, my basket.

Are those mine?

Yes,

with the macaroni
and the cupcakes, that's mine.

My goodness, look at this here,
we're going to...

oh, we have a little trouble
with the mike?

Okay, tell Johnson I'll call
him at the end of the week.

I figure why not utilize
the contact

to pass along information,

no wasted things.

Yaaaah!

Well, let's see if the jokes
get any better.

We've got a new microphone.

Where was I, oh, yes,
I believe I was over here.

Supermarket.

Did you ever in the supermarket

walk away with
someone else's cart?

They get mad.

Hey, come here,
that's my stuff.

Not yet it isn't.

Still belongs to all of us.

And if I want to shop out
of your cart,

I'll shop out of your cart.

You got any scallions?

Okay, let him go.

Did you ever look at someone
else's cart and say,

ooh, goddamn,
look what they eat, yech?

Do this, get your cart full,
get a full cart,

a whole mound of groceries.

And fill up
the bottom part, too,

you know what goes down there,
case of Shasta,

large box of Tide.

Get the whole thing full
and go on down

to the check-out counter
and look for somebody

with just one item,

and ask them if you
can get ahead of them.

Do you mind? Yeah, pardon me.

Do you mind if I get ahead
of you? Okay.

All I have is a full cart.

Did you ever try to go through
the express lane

with more than the prescribed
number of items,

and you have to give them
the quick count?

One, two, three,

111 packs of franks,
it's all one item.

Go ahead, it's quicker
than arguing.

I find the best way
to go shopping

at the supermarket is
to be a little hungry.

Don't eat for a couple of days,

two days is just about right.

You go any longer than that,
you begin to hallucinate

and all the cans look the same.

But two days is pretty nice.

And get good and hungry,
and then smoke eight joints,

take $500 and go
to the supermarket.

You buy everything,

canned cans,

just what I need.

And things you really love,
you buy two of them,

cause you know you're gonna eat
one as soon as you get home.

But you get over a few aisles
in that condition

and you realize that well,
you've overdone it a little bit.

You have a motorcade of carts,

complete with tow hitches
and reflector raincoats, man.

You've lost control again.

And whenever you spend too
much money in the supermarket,

you have to start putting back

some of the expensive items,

like ham, canned ham, $8,
fuck ham, boom.

Get some more Junior Mints,
honey, I put the ham back.

Yeah, and you know
the nice thing

about putting things back
in the supermarket,

when you return an item you know
where you put it don't you?

You put it anywhere you want.

They expect that, eh,
put it anywhere, Marge,

they don't care,
they don't give a shit.

They have guys who straighten
that out,

guys with purple fingers

come around at midnight.

In the morning everything
is back.

It's the mystery
of the supermarket.

Uh... did you ever go
to the supermarket

in a head neighborhood?
Obviously you have.

Did you ever go to the
supermarket in any neighborhood

where people are
getting a little higher

than they are in the average
neighborhood,

which is pretty high already,
when you think about it.

But any neighborhood
that's near a university

or near an old, uh,
an old beatnik ghetto,

you know, or a bohemian area,

hippie neighborhood.

You know,
the supermarket in that area,

go into the supermarket
in a head neighborhood

and take a look
at the cookie section,

looks like a war zone.

Half the packages are open.

And all the good cookies
are gone.

Where the hell are
the Mallomars?

Oh, hell, we can't get them
in the store,

they line up at the truck
for Mallomars.

There's always lots of shitty
cookies, you know?

Local cookies,

fucking Jim's Cookies,

63 varieties.

Man, if you can't make cookies
in 62 tries, leave me out, man.

I don't want to be part
of your experiment, Jim.

Hey, you know,

in the supermarket I'm really
a sucker, at the checkout line,

well, I'm kind
of an impulse buyer, you know?

Anything that's hanging up,
I want it.

Give me a case of
C batteries, please,

a dozen razors,

subscription to, uh,
Women's Day,

and how about that
cash register,

is that for sale,
by any chance?

It's a lovely model.

I think that'll be it.

Oh, no, I gotta buy the
bargain of the week, you know?

The garbage can full
of Juicy Fruit.

Forty-four cents, shit,
can't go wrong,

you'll never need gum again.

Hey, Marge, we're set on gum.

That would be a good feeling,
you know?

To be really ahead
on one commodity.

Never have to worry about it
again, you know?

Like buy, you know, sneakers,

hey, let me have 66 pairs
of sneakers, would you please?

Shit, that's it, never have
to sweat that again.

Never have to shop for sneakers
again as long as I live.

Yeah, that's gotta make you
feel good.

Then you go on to other things,
you know?

Now the real work.

Well, anyway,

walking, just plain old walking
is a source of a lot of

experience we'd recognize.

Just, I mean, of course, you
know, we walk pretty well,

humans.

Got it down pretty good,
wouldn't you say?

Hello there, hi Dan.
Look at this, still walking.

Especially I'm talking about
walking erect, right, yeah,

home erectus,
or whatever he was.

This dude, cause I mean, uh,
it's one of the few things

that separates us
from the lowest, lower animals,

walking and hats, right?

Rarely see a lower animal
with a hat.

If he does, chances are a man
put it on him, you know?

But, uh, there are some animals
that walk erect

for short bursts.

You've seen them, you know?

Ahhhh.

That's not it,
and we know it, man.

This is fucking walking.

We know what walking is,
we have a right to be proud,

being able to walk like that.

And a right to be embarrassed
when it doesn't work,

when we walk dopey.

Sometimes you do something dumb,
you know?

Sometimes it's not your fault,
but you always blame it

on something else.

Just a little misstep,
blame it on the sidewalk,

it can't be me, I'm graceful.

You're singing,
oh, da, da, da, da.

Not me, fucking boulder
in the road.

Might be the shoes,
they're not mine,

I borrowed them.

Not used to the soles, goodbye.

Couldn't be me.

That's why I like with a limp,
you know,

if you limp, some people go ooh,
that's not right,

a guy who limps don't do that,
unless he just got the limp.

But you've seen some guys,
some guys are good, man.

Some guys are really
into their limp,

they've had it a long time, man.

You've seen guys like that, man,

shit, they pivot on it, shoom.

Hey.

You've seen those guys.

They go up a, you see them go up
a spiral staircase.

You see that shit?
Screws himself...

Guys can handle it when they've
had a limp a long time,

it's when you just get a limp,

when it's a new limp that
you're not good at it yet.

Then you go, ahh, ahhh,
like a steal beam on my leg.

That's when you're not too cool.

Did you ever walk
and count your footsteps?

You know how many of them fall
in each box on the sidewalk.

One, two, one, two,
one, two and a half,

carry a half,
one, two and a half.

I hate doing math
when I'm walking.

Do you ever look at yourself
in store windows?

Got to check it out, right?

Trying to see your profile.
Let me see it.

Sometimes you're walking up
the stairs...

and you think
there's another stair.

You have to go into a little
routine, you know,

to throw them off.

Hi there, hi.

Good thing stereos
on mezzanine.

Sometimes you're going down
the stairs...

and you think
there's another one.

How's your dog,
how's your dog?

What?

Said, how's your dog?

He's fine, man, fine.

Got new neighbors, man.

How's our dogs.

My dog has complete freedom.

How's he like it?

Don't know, we haven't seen
him in eight years.

What do dogs do
on their day off?

They can't lie around,
that's their job.

Get up, it's your day off.

Does this ever happen to you,
your dog and you are home,

and you're home
with your person,

whoever your person might be.

And, uh, you're upstairs
watching TV late at night in bed

got the dog with you,
got the light on,

you're reading,
talking to each other,

you got half of a Pepsi there,
some Doritos, man,

everything is nice.

And, uh, a dog is shown
on television.

When a dog is shown on TV,
do you try to get your dog

to look at the dog who's on?

Look at the doggie,
look at the dog,

look at the dog, you asshole,
would you look at that dog?

Look.

They never look where you want.

If you point,
they look at your hand.

Yeah, you try to get them
to look, they watch your hand.

Hey, look at this hand,

it's pushing my head.

What did I do now?

Well, for one thing,
you missed the dog.

Same situation, late at night,
you're with your person,

you're with your dog
in the bedroom,

television's on,
the lights are on,

you're talking,
still got some Pepsi left,

Doritos are holding out good.

And one of you says
to the other,

(sniff)

Honey, did you fart?

Did you?

Not me.

I thought you farted.

Not me.

Now that's not even one
of my farts.

I know,

the dog farted.

Look at him,

Kippy, why did you fart?

Look, he knows he farted.

I seen his ass open up.

Well, I just happened to be
looking at his ass by chance.

I thought he was doing deep
breathing exercises,

I don't know.

What the hell do I know about
dogs, for chrissakes.

Now your dog, you may know
this, your dog...

doesn't care.

Dogs essentially don't care.

Don't, don't really care at all.

You've never seen a dog
with a list of priorities.

Dogs have no standards.

Most things they do, they will
do anywhere at any time,

except the few that you taught
them better never do that

or I'll beat the shit
out of you.

They do catch on to that.

They can also be
made to appear smart

by performing a series
of meaningless tricks,

like chasing a rubber
newspaper that squeaks.

This doesn't make
for intelligence.

As far as I'm concerned,
dogs are highly emotional,

ESP going for them,
they're telepathic

but not so greatly smart.

A lot of that.

Now, your dog might
just embarrass you

if it gets the chance.

Let's go out to the front
of your house,

out to the living room, and, uh,
you're there now with dog,

he's there, of course.

And you have some friends in,

some neighbors over, sitting
around the coffee table.

And, uh, chit chat, you know,
talking to each other,

you brought your Pepsi down,

but fuck 'em,
let them get their own Doritos.

I'm not here to feed
the neighborhood.

And everybody's sitting around,

and the dog is
licking his balls.

And nobody mentions it.

Spectacular thing
going on there.

If I could reach,
I'd never leave the house, man,

are you kidding me?

They don't even mention it.

They say things like,
isn't he cute?

He's taking a bath.

He appears to be licking his
balls to me, Marge.

Yeah, he's been on that
one spot for over an hour.

That's a mighty selective bath.

No, no, no, no, nice doggie,
no, no, nice doggie,

no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

Nice doggie, no, no, no.

Don't you know they have the
cleanest mouth of any animal?

I'm just going by where he's
been, honey.

I am not a chemist.

And when we have cats,

we usually have them
for a different reason,

because of their independence.

I mean, that's generally one
of the qualities we like,

there's a certain
affectionateness

which I think has to do
with static electricity.

But, um, cats are cool because
they're independent.

That's usually, people always
who have them they say well,

you know, hey, he takes care
of himself,

makes his own clothes,
drives himself to work.

I never have to do a thing
for him.

Cats are cool, cats are aloof
and separate, you know?

And that's kind of nice.

Uh, you ever pet a cat
who's lying flat,

and by the time
you get half way,

his ass is way up in the air?

Oh, look at the nice...
holy Christ, how did he do that?

What the hell is that?

And there he goes...
there he goes again.

And they jump on your chest,

they put their ass
in your face and go.

What is that, get him off me,
will 'ya?

I don't even know what that is
and I don't like it.

I think it has to do with
ecstasy or something.

He misses his mommy.

Yeah, bullshit,
you always say that.

You said that about the mailman.

I have a theory on why people
moan at certain jokes...

envy.

I'm... I'm forced
into that position.

Uh, cats have a great quality.

Cats have the quality of somehow
never having to pay dues

for things they do that are
really moronic.

Dumb things.

If you see a cat do something
really poor, for a cat, that is,

like jumping from the floor
up onto a table

and landing in four coffee cups.

Did you ever notice that
somehow they get out of it?

They just go on to the next
thing, there's no postmortem,

no reference to the dumb thing.

Hi there, I'm doing this now,
look at this, you know?

I mean, a cat can
race across the carpet

and crash into a glass door...

(crash)

I meant that, I meant that.

I've been practicing that
for a year.

Fuckin' meow, fuckin' meow,
fuckin' meow, fuckin' meow.

That's what they do when they
get behind the couch,

fuckin'...

look behind your couch, you will
find a cat recuperating.

They have little slings
and crutches and shit.

Hi, I like tried to make it to
the window sill from the bed,

didn't make it.

It's my theory that old folks,
old folks and kids

got a lot in common.

Uh, for one thing,
they both look like this.

We call them both farts.

Right? Cute little farts,
and old farts.

I'm just an old fart.

But mainly they're both
discriminated against

because of... their... age,

how old they are,
or how old they aren't.

That's how it starts out,
you're too young,

you're not old enough.

Pretty soon they're saying,
sorry, you're too old.

Jesus, that was quick.

I was standing right here.

Yes, uh, old folks are really
just... bent kids, you know?

Used children.

Sure, it's in between that we
forget how to act,

in between those two states,

in that awe, you know, in that
innocence that we, uh,

have to act a certain way.

I'm 21 now, gotta stand,
talk and walk a certain way.

How do you do?
I'm 25, 30 now.

How do you do?
I'm grown up, 35, 40.

How do you do? Play some golf,
good to see you,

say hello to the wife.

45, 50, I'm 55, 60, 65,
I'm 70, 75,

oh, now I can piss
in my pants again, man.

Goddamn, I'm 1. Whoooo.

So anyway,

kids, besides being...

too young,
are also too little.

That's another thing they have
to put up with,

they're too goddamn little.

You've noticed them,
haven't you?

I wouldn't laugh in front
of them, man,

but they're too fucking little.

Kids spend all that time,
all those important years

way the hell down there.

Teeny little things.

They really do
start you out small

when you're a kid, don't they?

Look at this, Dan,

we've got a kid.

What you gonna do with him?

Gonna raise him.

Don't plant him too deep,
you know?

Sure, for all those years,
you're stuck down there

and the whole world's up here.

Or, you're stuck down here,
and the whole world is up there.

Everything is up there.

Everything is built for them,

all the furniture, right?

Oh, they give you one little
table and a couple of chairs

in your room, you know?

But your brother sits on it
and breaks it, man.

You're stuck,
everything's up there.

Hey, pardon me, hey, look out
for the cigarette, will ya'?

Ouch, goddamn it.

Hey, you wanna
look for the cookies?

Would you look
for the cookies, please?

Yeah, they're up there,
they're not down here.

They don't keep them here,
they keep them up there.

I can't see up there at all.

I've never seen it up there.

I wouldn't know where to look,
they're up there somewhere,

just take a look around,
would you?

Would you please look...
just give it a chance,

give it a try,

just look everywhere,
open everything up,

open everything,
look in everything up high.

You know where they are?
He knows where they are.

Tell him, Ed.
Tell him where they are.

He knows where they are.
Give him your help.

Hey tell him.
Just tell him you know.

Hey come on.
Ah hurry up,

Finish your cup.
Come on.

Yeah, man, you don't
know much down here.

Well, you know about
the nap of the rug.

You have a pretty clear idea

about the migration of dust
in an urban apartment.

You know where all
the electrical outlets are.

Makes you handy as hell
the week before Christmas.

Come here, Dad, I'll show you,
come on, hey, come on over here.

This one had a brown mark on it.

Sure, you're just
a little guy down here,

and your handle is extended.

That's the thing they use
to take you places.

Come on, we're going downtown.

And simply because
you're so small,

just because you're...

tiny,

they pick you up and throw you
in the air.

You don't see them throwing
each other in the air, do you?

It isn't safe.

Just you,
because you're teeny.

Your uncle comes over
on Thanksgiving.

Whoa boy, look at him.

Ain't he a teeny?

Goddamn, I'm gonna
throw him up in the air.

Come here.

I got him, I got you, hold on.
I got him. Okay.

Okay, okay.
Okay, I got him.

Oh, Margaret, I'm sorry.

I lost him in the sun.

We got any turkey left?

Yeah, there were rules,

I wasn't too good
at rules myself.

Well, I was good
at breaking them.

You'd think that would count,
you know, it's a category.

No such luck,

it was marked against you.

Didn't have a lot
of luck with them

because they didn't
all seem logical to me.

For some reason or another,
some of them seemed dumb.

Now, there were good rules,
to be sure,

there were some fine rules.

No running with the scissors,

that's one I always obeyed.

Made sense to me.

Shit, this big mother will go
right through me.

What are you doing?

I'm not running
with the scissors.

Another good rule was
no sticking your head

out of the high speed
railroad train window.

Goddamn, Dad, good rule.

Oh, yeah.

Doesn't want us to get
our heads chopped off.

Fucking great, must be having
a great day, Dad.

There were some rules

that were not so intelligently
drawn, I felt,

some things that didn't
make a lot of sense,

no running in the halls.

Hey, why? Cause it looks
like fun, that's why.

No running in the halls.

Where you gonna run,
in the rooms?

I keep turning
in the rooms, man.

Can't get up any speed at all
in the rooms.

Hallways,

made for running.

Another, uh, dumb rule I thought
was no singing at the table.

Why?

One guy with a bad voice
a hundred years ago

fucked it up for everybody else?

Why?

No singing at the table.

Why?

Because I said so.

First sign of a dumb rule.

Yeah, you can stand right
next to the table

all during dinner
and sing your ass off,

it's not covered by the rule.

"I'm standing near the table
during dinner and I'm singing,

and it isn't even covered
by your rules."

Sit down, you.

That was your middle name, you.

Did you ever, at home when you
go to make a sandwich,

you reach down past the first
two or three pieces of bread

to get the good bread?

It's sort of a survival thing,
a self, you know,

it's sort of like a, let my
family have the rotten bread,

I'll take care of numero uno.

Down we go into the healthy
part of the loaf.

Sometimes you're going down
into the loaf

not so much because of, uh,
freshness or mold,

but because of the size of
the piece of bread you want.

As we all know, the fat slices
are somewhere near the middle.

Down you go,

and you have to go past
about eight or nine slices

till you get what you want,

and then you hope they
don't rip on the way up.

And just before you get them
out, the top eight slices

go boom and fall the other way.

Oh, shit, I just leave them
crooked, don't you?

Yeah, let them think a burglar
made a sandwich, you know?

Not me, honey, I didn't do that,
I never do that.

That's like who
the fuck is it in my house

who puts away the milk carton
with this much milk in it, man?

Who the fuck put that away?

I thought that was full.

Yeah.

Frozen peas,

did you ever notice that frozen
peas are all the same size?

There are no small frozen peas,
they're all alike.

If you have a favorite frozen
pea and you drop the box,

you'll never see
your favorite again.

A strange thing,

the butter warmer.

We have that.

We were cold, man originally
was cold so he built a house,

hot box to live in, warm box,
live inside the warm box,

pretty cool, cold out here,
warm inside the warm box.

Everything was nice
until he realized

the meat didn't keep
in the warm box.

So, he built a refrigerator,
built a cold box

inside the warm box.

Meat keeps fine,
but the butter doesn't spread.

So he built the butter warmer,

put a warm box inside the cold
box, inside the warm box.

Strange folks.

If you use vitamins,

most good vitamins don't have
a trade name stamped on them,

they're blank pills.

They look like vitamins,
but they're not marked.

And if you go on the road

and you take a lot
of vitamins with you,

enough for like two weeks,

you might put them in another
big vial, unmarked.

And now you got an unmarked
vial with unmarked pills in it.

And if you're going through
some little place maybe

where the cops got a hard on
that day,

and he wants to give you a
little trouble, a little heat,

he can hold you for a while,

while they send these things
down to the lab.

And off your vitamins go,

and that's why I, I always
travel with Flintstone Vitamins.

Honest, Officer,
there's Wilma and Dino, look.

Hey, you're right,
look it there's Wilma.

The guy had to cut me loose,
man, he had to cut me loose,

I had Wilma.

Pussyfoot, interesting word,
it's a rare female birth defect.

A lot of people don't know that.

Caught you again.
Envy.

Somebody, somebody has
to think of this stuff.

Oh, that's what I wanted to do,

I wanted to bring a little
of the news your way.

It's time to find out...
oh, yes.

All right.

I'd like to take a look
at the news.

First of all, the headlines,

Welcome Wagon Runs Over
Newcomer,

Terrorists Blow Up Central
America And Leave A Note,

Off-Duty Policeman Killed
By On-Duty Criminal,

21 Killed In 21-Gun Salute,

and a Football Team Dies
In Sudden Death Overtime.

"Police fired over the heads
of rioters today, however,

they killed 200 people living
on the second floor."

"Scientists have discovered
a new disease

which has no symptoms.

It is impossible to detect,
and there's no known cure.

Fortunately, no cases have
been reported thus far."

"Doctors in Florida claim

they are treating a 107-year-old
woman who is pregnant.

They say that because of her
advanced age,

she will have a grown-up."

"A man has barricaded himself
inside of his house, however,

he is not armed and no one is
paying any attention to him."

"A man in Milwaukee has been
arrested for attempting

to use food stamps to mail
a watermelon."

Christ, fucking studio
audience in a newsroom,

did you ever hear
of anything like that?

"Food and Drug Administration
announced today that saliva

causes stomach cancer.

However, however, only when
swallowed in small amounts

over a long period of time."

"A man in Philadelphia has been
arrested for attempting to make

an unauthorized deposit
in a sperm bank."

Use vote with your
diaphragms, folks.

"At the lake in City Park today,
police arrested a one-armed man

who was bothering
the other boaters

by continuously rowing
in a circle."

"A dog has exploded on a busy
downtown street corner.

No one was killed,

however, 20 people were
overcome by fur.

Police claim that 50 to 60
fleas also lost their lives

in the blast."

Kind of wind up the news
tonight,

"Scientists have discovered
a vaccine for apathy.

However, they claim no one is
showing the slightest bit

of interest in it.

They're gonna throw it away."

Thank you, thank you.

La la la la.

George.

Well, I knew that, uh,
with a name like George,

uh, I would have to add
something else.

Any old name could have
emotion for you, though,

even a brand name.

Product names have things you
expect from them.

You have a little emotional
investment in certain names.

I mean, you wouldn't buy,

you wouldn't eat Good Year
pancakes, right?

Any more than you would drive
on Aunt Jemima tires, right?

It's just, you have feelings,
you have expectations about it.

If Janitor in a Drum made a
douche, no one would buy it.

There's no market.

It's like 20 Mule Team
mini pads, man.

There's no market for them.

Raid feminine hygiene spray.

Raid, wow.

That's what they call them,

feminine hygiene spray.

They're under leg deodorants.

Why do they avoid that.

It's obvious, under arm,
under leg.

Why do they avoid that,
you know?

I know, I guess it's cause
you have two armpits,

you only have one leg pit.

Uh...

Well, I think things ought
to be named for what they are.

I think there ought to be

a little more truth in names,
you know?

They've tried to clean up,
to clean up advertising claims,

let them clean up some
of the names,

like Excello and Acme
and Ace and Top.

Bullshit.

Things should be called
what they are.

I'd like to bring out a new car,
the 1977 Piece of Shit.

A Division of United
Consumer Fuckers.

Yeah, company names are fun.

Whammo, Whammo is a toy company.

Aren't you glad it's not
an airline?

Would you get in the big
Whammo bird, huh?

Uh,

there's some just plain old
words that are sort of fun to,

uh, think of or look at more
closely than usual.

Things like hot water heater.

Have you ever, have you thought
of hot water heaters?

Pardon me, I said...

I'd like to buy
a hot water heater.

What the hell for.

Hot water doesn't need
to be heated.

You must want
a cold water heater.

How about a hot water cooler?

Yeah, some words are fun,

words like flammable.

Flammable...

inflammable...

and non-inflammable.

Why are there three?

Doesn't it seem to you as though

two words ought to be able
to handle that idea?

I mean, either the thing flams
or it doesn't flam.

Now, flammable, flammable,
that's the one

that's on the side of the truck,

flammable,

as if you're gonna get out of
your car at 60 miles an hour

and smoke on this truck, right?

Flammable, I found out the
reason it says that on the truck

is so that just in case

you should be spinning
out of control at 70 or 80,

heading for the truck,

you'll know what it was that
happened, you know?

Gives you a chance to make
a few plans, you know?

Put the cigarettes out.
Put the cigarettes out.

And of course, there's a moment
just after beginning to blow up

when you stop blowing up
for just a moment...

and you say...

fucking flammable.

Then, of course,
you do continue to blow up.

Nothing we can do about that.

Jumbo shrimp.

Indeed, what do you expect
when you order that,

what will arrive?

Will it be a large shrimp,
or a little jumbo.

Jumbo shrimp, those words don't
even go together, man.

That's like military
intelligence,

they have that, too.

How did they do that?

There's a, there's another
phrase like that,

business ethics.

Say, uh, we're discussing
business ethics.

Yes, no wonder we couldn't
hear anything over here.

That's like a plastic glass.

They have them.

Mine isn't, mine is
a glass glass, goddammit.

But they have them.

Get me a plastic glass.

Well, I'll see what I can do.

Pretty soon they'll have
nylon rubbers.

They do, they have nylon
rubbers, what the fuck?

Hey, all right,
none of your filth.

Shoot me.

Hey, three moans wasn't
bad so far,

about an hour and a half.

Now, uh, hold on,
I have a real great idea.

As soon as I think of it,

we're all going
to laugh our asses off.

Right?

The airline has given us

a lot of strange words
and expressions,

and ways to look at language
that they force us into.

We have words like,
from the airline, like deplane.

I've never deboated,
I've never debussed,

by God, I've deplaned.

We'll be deplaning through
the forward door.

I'm already on deplane.

That's what they tell you,
get on the plane,

get on the plane.

Fuck you,
I'm getting in the plane.

Let Evil Knevil get
on the plane.

I'll be inside with you folks
in uniform,

you seem to know where to sit.

Airlines got a load of things,

they tell you to go to your
gate, go to your gate,

there's no gates.

Have you ever seen a gate
at the airport?

There ain't no fucking gates.

Where the hell are the gates at?

A lot of doorways,
they have a lot of pathways,

they have a lot of carpeting,
they have a lot of seats,

they got rostrums and podiums,

they got railings,
they got velvet ropes,

there ain't a goddamn gate
at the airport.

Shit, I've missed three planes
looking for my gate.

Gate 49, goddamn,

there must be a bunch of them
around here someplace.

Where are they?

And the airlines
also have another thing

called a non-stop flight.

Not me, bullshit.

I insist that my flight stop,

preferably, right at the end.

That's when they tell you
you'll be landing shortly.

Does that mean we're gonna
miss the runway, honey?

No, it just means we're on our
final approach.

That's when they tell you to put
your seat back forward. Wow.

You mean one time,
or a lot of times, honey?

Put, put your seat back.

I don't bend like that.

And then,

one further example
of the airline's

perversion of language,

when two airplanes almost
crash right into each other

up in the sky,

they call that a near miss.

It's a near hit, gang.

Thank you.

Well, thank you,
you're nice guys.

We're having fun, you know?

Uh, I had a couple more, uh,

word thoughts, but, ah,
screw 'em.

I thought of most of them
anyway.

There is left that group
of words that we, uh...

Hey, hey, hey, well,
they're your words, gang,

and I praise them, too

because they are sort of fun.

Just as a hobby,

if nothing else,

these words are only, let's see,
let's call them this,

they're, uh,

the words that we
can't say all the time,

I find that to be about
the most comfortable, um,

umbrella, you know?

Uh, they're just words that we
can't say all the time.

Sometimes, yes, sometimes,
but not all the time.

When you're a kid,
you can't say them at all,

not one.

None, that's it. Nope.

But you do keep growing,
they can't stop that.

Pretty soon the words hell
and damn break through.

Hey, I didn't get hit.

I know.

Then dad tells you a joke
with shit in it.

Now don't tell your mom
I said that.

Why not?

Well, you can't use them
words all the time.

I, I was, my trouble was,
I wanted a list.

I didn't think
it was asking much.

Here are these words I'm not
supposed to say,

let's have a look at them.

I'll be glad to avoid them
if I could just see them

and know what they are.

You gotta say them to find out
what they are man.

Shit.

Oh fuck.

All right, hey, enough man,
a list, please Ma.

Sure, that's all you need.

When you're six years old now,

here's the list of words
your dad and I

don't ever want to hear you say.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

Hey, that'll save me
an ass kicking, you know?

There's no list.

So, enough of trial and error,
goddamn.

Now, there are different places

where you can't
use words, right?

I mean, sometimes...
the minister's wife is one,

you definitely don't say them
to the minister's wife.

And all of those thousands
of other places

that you don't use those words.

Come on,
mixed company here, hey,

there's ladies in the kitchen,

chrissakes.

I got a really filthy joke
for you, Bill,

but there's a lady here.

Well, that's okay,
she's filthy, too.

Go ahead, Glenn,
let's hear it.

Depends on who
you're with, right?

They're just the words
we can't say all the time.

Now, I wanted my list to reflect
an area I was interested in,

the time that you can't say
them all the time that I picked

was radio and television time.

That's one of the places
where we can't use them,

and, uh, I guess that's
largely because, uh,

television is a paid
for by private industry,

and regulated by the government.

So, whew, you know,
you think of what,

think of what
two groups are doing

even to each other, you know?

And, uh,

so you can imagine what they did
to radio and television, right?

They turned it into a billboard

and it belongs to the brillo
and biscuit folks,

and, uh, that's all
it'll ever be.

And so as a result they want
to restrict your language

some of the time.

Not all of the time,

some of those words aren't
always dirty.

I found that out trying
to make a list,

trying to get a little
journeyman list

going here for myself.

Want to know the ones I can
never, never say on television,

because some of the words
you can say...

part of the time.

It's the same word but it's
only a part-time dirty word,

and 50 percent it's okay
depending on what you meant.

So, I figure looking for a list,
I started running into all

the categories of dirty words,

started to realize there were
more ways to describe

filthy words than there are
filthy words.

Seemed curious to me.

Someone was awfully
interested in them.

They found an awful lot
of ways to refer to them,

and, uh,

I did, too, called them
bad language,

dirty, filthy,
foul, vile, vulgar,

coarse, unseemly,
in poor taste, street language,

locker room talk, gutter talk,
barracks language, naughty,

saucy, bawdy, raunchy, rude,
lewd, lascivious, indecent,

profane, obscene, blue,
off-color,

risque, suggestive,

cursing, cussing, swearing.

All I could think of was shit,
piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker and tits,
man...

seven.

And it wasn't complete, I knew
the list wasn't complete,

but it was the initial list
that first evening.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt
cocksucker, motherfucker, tits,

and I knew I had ones
that could never be said

cause they didn't mean
anything else.

There are some words you
can say part of the time.

Talking about an ass kicking,
ass is a word that's hardly even

a curse word anymore,
but it still is in a little way.

I mean, most of the time,
ass is all right.

On television you can say well,
you've made a perfect ass

of yourself tonight.

But you can't say,
you half-ass.

Only perfect ass is allowed.

You can use ass
in the religious sense,

if you happen to be the Redeemer
riding into town on one,

perfectly all right.

But don't get off and say, you
know, the donkey hurt my ass.

Sometimes, that's the way it is.

Bitch, another word, another
animal word, too, bitch.

Bitch is all right on television

if you happen to be the lady
from the San Diego Zoo

who brought a bunch of little
canines up to Johnny Carson.

This one's a bitch.
That's cool.

Don't refer to the singer
that way.

Is that bitch gonna
do another number?

Animals are fine on TV,
it's all right.

I'd like to tell a story
about a cock and a pussy

and a beaver and a bitch
and an ass.

Get him out of here.

Get him out of here.

Get him out.

Tits, of course, doesn't
belong on a list like that.

You know, tits.

Tits, you know, too cheerful,
nothing harmful.

You know, no threat
from that word, tits.

Tit, tit is a cute
little word, tit.

Sure, any word I think that's
spelled the same frontwards

and backwards is cute as hell.

I think Otto is a great name,
I always liked it.

Here comes fucking Otto.

We don't know if
he's coming or going,

cause he's fucking Otto,
you know?

I also like Otto cause Otto
is toot inside out.

Just a hobby.

But, uh, tit, cute word.

Come on, tits,
you can't say tits.

You can say boobs.

You can say boobs.

Boob starts and ends with the
same letter, boob, like tit.

You know,
you can say it.

Tits, no good,
can't say tits, boobs.

In fact, boobs is an answer
on Match Game.

I had boobs, Gene.

Boobs, $200.
Holy shit.

Can't say, uh, tits.

Nice tits on the singer,
huh, Ed?

But you can go like this, hey,
she's really built, you know?

You can't, you can't say, uh,
you can say teats.

Teats is okay if you're on
at 5:00 in the morning

and a cow is your guest.

But you can't say jugs,
you know, or...

Well, you gotta pull the cow's
knockers, Dan, you know?

Now, tits also says, you know,

well, it sounds to me like a
snack anyway? Doesn't it sound...

Give me the Nabisco, new Nabisco
double-wrapped tits, man.

Pass the tits,
would you, Dean?

Say, these things
are responding.

Just a few for while
I'm watching TV tonight.

Uh,

now, we've added, uh, three
words have been added.

There was only one
official, uh, induction,

one group of three words
was added.

Uh, there was
no balloting this year,

as many of you know,

right, And some of you have
supported some of the words

that were in line to be on the
list that haven't made it,

I say, you know,
just hang in there.

Fart, turd, and twat,
of course, have.

Fart, turd and twat
all belong because

they don't mean anything else.

Uh, they mean that only,
and you can't say them on TV.

Now, fart, again,
like tit in a way is,

you know, a cute kind of word.

Uh, fart's, you know, a cute
little fart, and hey, man,

kids know farts are fun,
you know?

Kids know farts are shit
without the mess, right?

Same funny sound,
same vile smell, kids,

no fuss, no muss.

Remember when you were a kid one
time maybe with short pants on,

sitting in church
on a wooden bench

and you had to do
the one cheek sneak.

[Squeak]

Right in tune with the organ.

That's why they call those pews,
I found that out, man,

pew.

Farts are, uh,

hey, farts keep us in our place.

Well, actually they disperse
us many times.

But they do,
they keep you in your place,

they keep you humble,
they remind you of who you are.

That's right, Dr. Goddard, uh,
well, the initial series

of Mariner flights, of course,
all the Mariner landings are

complete circumnavigation
of the complete global

- running of
the entire series on Mars

with the Mariner (sound).

Pardon me.

Come over here,
why don't you come over here.

Then, uh, we'll be going
to Jupiter right after that.

Uh, this man still has exhaust
of his own, you know?

Did you ever notice that your
own farts smell okay?

Say, that's fairly decent.

I think I'll stay home today,

do some reading in the closet.

Not only do you not mention
the word fart,

but you never refer to farts.

They're more secret and worse
than fucking.

No fart mentions,
no references to fart.

You never see a fart reference.

You'd think by now after 20
or 30 years of television

that some guy once would have
gone, whew.

Hasn't happened.

There has never been a fart
as far as they're concerned.

They don't exist,
we do not recognize them.

Just once I wanna see

somebody on the Johnny Carson
panel, you know?

Whew, hey, Ed,
move down, man.

Whew.

Fucking Ed, fucking Ed let go.

Whew.

Give me the lighter,
Johnny, wow.

Oh, hey, Ed, if you're sick man,
see the nurse, will ya'?

Something died inside of Ed.

Geez, Ed, it ain't the smell,
you know?

It's the burning of my eyes.

Often tried to think
what it might be like

to have never farted,

and suddenly have that happen
in your thirties, maybe.

I just, just had
never farted before,

and one day the inevitable, man.

Air is coming out of me.

I don't wanna be a balloon.

Man, if it happened to me,

I'd probably use it to try
to get out of work, you know?

Wouldn't you, yeah,
that's right, boss,

I won't be in today.

Well, air is coming out
of my ass.

That's right.

No, air, not hair, air.

Air, that's right.

Well, I don't know,

I think I might have
picked it up from the dog.

Yeah,

shit, piss, fuck, cunt,
cocksucker, motherfucker, tits,

fart, turd, twat.

Turd, you can't say turd on TV,
but who wants to?

I don't care if I ever hear
that one again.

And twat, twat is on the list

because it doesn't mean
anything else, you know?

No saving meaning,
twat's twat.

Right in the twat, right
in the twat, no mistaking that.

Yes, twat doesn't have
any other meaning.

It's not like, uh,
like prick, prick,

you can say prick on television.

If it happens to your finger,
it's all right.

You can prick your finger,

just don't finger your prick,
that's all.

Hey, uh,

now, in line with those
kinds of words,

words that are dirty sometimes,
and not dirty sometimes,

those are the ones that got
you in trouble as a kid,

cause you noticed that they
had two meanings and you began

to make a little pun or a joke,
and you got caught with it,

and it was dirty mind.

And it's not a dirty mind,
it's a fuckin, okay,

a little joke, you know?

But that's true,
the word ball

is the two-way word,
the non and curse variety

of ball is the most prevalent
in that kind of situation.

And boy, it comes up more often
in real life

to make it a double meaning.

Uh, ball is, uh,

well, every sport is played
with a ball, right?

Except hockey, and that rhymes
with fuck anyway.

Take your comfort
where you find it.

Well, the word ball is a, you
know, a part of your life.

As a kid, man, it's one
of the early, uh, toys, right?

Let's go play with your ball.

What, you sure?
Right, yes.

That was confusing, ball.

Ball has three meanings now,
of course,

ball also means to fuck,

to get laid, to ball,
to have balled,

to have been balling.

Actually, it always meant that,
we just didn't know, you know?

Now we know that.

Of course, when I was a kid,
ball only meant either testicle

or small round object you play
with, right?

That's all, just those two.

And, uh, it's all right
for Kurt Goudy to say it

all across the nation, Johnny
Bench has two balls on him.

Fine, no problem there at all,

the whole country nods
in agreement, right.

Shit, I figured him for two,
you know, hell yeah.

Hell yeah, that whole team
I think.

He cannot, however,
although he can say that,

turn to his sidekick
Tony Kubeck and say,

Tony, I think he hurt
his balls on that play.

He's holding them, by God.

Well, that's true, Kurt,

generally when they hurt
their balls, they hold them.

He's holding his,
he's hurt his balls.

Thank you, Tony,

this team has been plagued
with ball injuries this spring.

Johnson pulled a ball
the other day.

Jamison has a sprung ball.

Nicholas woke up with
a tight ball this morning.

Williams has a twisted ball
from last night.

Never hear about those injuries,
they call them groin injuries.

It's a groin injury.

I never knew where my groin
was when I was a kid, did you?

Where the hell is my groin, is
it dirty, do you cover it up?

Put your groin away, wow,
what the hell.

Where does my groin end
and my loin begin.

I know I have them both,

I just don't have any dotted
lines like a cow picture.

Where the hell are they?

Just tell me what to cover,
I don't mind.

Groin, they pulled
their groin muscles.

If I pulled my groin muscle,

they'd have my ass out
of the stadium in no time.

These guys sit around, big stars
pulling their groin muscles

on the weekend.

Well, anyway, there is
an overlapping,

there is a confusion about sex
and violence.

Some folks don't know where
one ends and the other begins

with sex and violence.

Sex and violence.

A lot of people running around
trying to stamp it out

like it's all one thing.

What are you doing, trying to
stamp out sex and violence.

Starts with a S, ends in a A.

There's an overlapping,
there's a gray area,

there's some folks don't
understand.

Even folks who like those things
together think of them as one,

sex and violence.

Some people like, as you know,
violence with their sex.

I don't care for that myself,
I like my violence

a little earlier
in the afternoon.

But it's true that
there's a confusing area.

I mean, even a little child
might make a mistake

when he's too young,
wandering into the bedroom,

oh, daddy's winning.

It has the look of competition.

So it got confusing
enough to people

that someone finally
had to sort it out and said,

make love, not war.

Get it?

We said, huh?

Make love, not war.

A guy finally sorted it out.

Probably a lady, it sounds more
like a lady's thing,

I don't know why,
make love, not war.

Why must there always
be killing?

That was it.

Shit, if I had thought
of that phrase,

make love, not war,

I would have retired that day
if I thought of that.

Wouldn't you?

I wouldn't expect to be able
to top myself later in life.

That would be it,
go out with a biggie.

I think I'd, you know,
just leave my car

at the red light, man.

That's it,
I'm going to the beach.

You guys gotta make love,
not war, see you later,

and be gone.

Well, I have a little phrase
of my own,

make fuck, not kill.

It's not as graceful
a phrase, I know,

but I'm not looking to retire
at this time.

Make fuck, not kill deals with
just what we call those things,

not what they are,

let the experts
and behavior folks

work on those, what they are.

I just like what we call them,
fucking and killing.

You got fucking and killing,

I say let's change
the words around.

If language is our servant,

let's put the son of a bitch
to work.

Let's call fucking killing,
and killing fucking

for about a month and a half,

just long enough
to confuse us a little

about which one we really fear
and want, all right?

Fucking and killing,
just anywhere you see them

Movies, the movies
would be great.

Better get down off
the horse, Sheriff,

we're fixing to fuck you now.

What's this?

Mass fucker still on the loose.

Man fucks three, self.

No, I think we got him now.

He made his first big mistake,

he fucked a cop.

Yeah, he's a cop fucker now.

Every cop in the state will be
looking for him.

Okay, thank you, Dan.

Hey guys, uh,
my horse broke his leg,

I'm gonna fuck him.
I'll be right back, excuse me.

Shamu, the fucker whale.

So all I'm saying I guess really

is that fuck you
is a positive phrase,

it's just a way of making,

you know, direct verbal love
from across the street.

Next time you hear it
feel that way.

- Fuck you.
- Okay, hey.

Thanks for being here tonight
and being part of this.

I hope we all get to see it.

I love you, fuck you,
see you later, bye-bye.

Jack, how are you?

Hello there, folks at home.

Well, welcome to our place...

Sometimes a girl comes in
and leaves things.

If you want something
just have it, you know?

Uh, that's a nice chair
you have over there.

I'm sorry.
I just feel silly.

I'm off now, see?

I gotta lady here,
who'd like to see ya.

Oh, yeah, let me say hi.

You know this lady?

How you doing girlfriend?

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