Original subtitles

I'm sorry, Diane.

I got a little carried away when I first saw you.

I'm all right now.

Hmm.

Lovely to see you.

Thank you.

When will you be leaving?

Hello, Woody.

Well, hi, Miss Chambers.

What's new in your life?

Oh, well, you know, I, uh, got married,

and I'm gonna have a kid.

Wonderful!

Yeah. Oh, also I just got elected

to the Boston City Council.

How nice.

And I'm next in line for the throne of England.

Really? Well, you know, maybe we'll work together someday.

You know, hammer out a treaty or something.

Hello, Diane.

Hello, Frasier.

You're looking well.

I'm feeling well.

I'm happily married with a bright young son

and a successful practice.

But, you know, what's most important...

and I just realized it this moment...

is I'm over you.

I'm glad.

There's absolutely nothing here anymore.

I'm over you.

You could be a-a total stranger for all I'm feeling.

You could be ugly and gnarled and toothless without that

shining hair, those dancing eyes,

these graceful, supple limbs.

Thank God I'm free.

Frasier, you're hurting me.

Well, you never hurt me, did you?!

Anyway, good to see you.

Norman, Clifford.

You're exactly the way I remember you.

Well, uh, looks can be deceiving there, Diane.

I mean, our-our lives have changed

in innumerable ways.

How so?

Well, uh, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Uh, Diane.

Come on, come on, come on.

Uh, Diane, I'd like you to, uh,

I'd like you to meet my wife, Rebecca.

Hello, Rebecca.

Hello.

So...

you're Mrs. Sam Malone.

Uh-huh.

Pretty nice, huh?

And she's a real pig today

compared to what she usually looks like.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

So, Sam, Rebecca, this is my Reed.

Reed Manchester. Hi.

Hi, Sam.

How you doing?

Nice to meet you.

Well, awkward silences always make me hungry.

Yeah, me, too.

Why don't we, uh, why don't we go

up to Melville's for lunch?

Oh, Melville's, of course.

That's perfect.

So, uh, Sam, Diane tells me

you used to be a relief pitcher for the Sox.

Yes, that's right.

So, uh, what was your best pitch? My best pitch.

Uh, gee, that'd be, uh, "Say baby, what's your sign?"

That, uh, Miss Chambers' husband seemed like a nice guy.

She'll make him pay for it.

If she's left him a shred of manhood,

it's only because she's waiting for the right moment

to-to flick it away like the last

shrivelled pea on her plate.

Thank God I'm over her.

Hit me, Woody!

Four fingers of the meanest swill you got!

And all my life, I've wanted to be a documentary film maker.

That certainly is interesting.

So, Rebecca, tell us about yourself.

Sam never mentioned what you do.

He didn't?

Well, it never came up.

Well, uh...

I am a... corporate attorney...

with the firm Emerson...

Lake and Palmer.

That sounds familiar.

Yeah, they're a pretty famous group.

Listen, um...

And what I specialize in there is, uh,

is product liability cases.

That was good.

I mean, is good.

Because, uh, it's a good job she has.

Oh, yeah.

And you still find time

to raise four small children?

Oh, they're not so small.

Uh, Sam Junior is, uh, five.

And, um, then Darby's four.

And, uh, Newton's three.

And then, uh,

little two-year-old Chelsea, she's one.

Well, here's to marriage and children

and the dawn of a great new friendship.

Aw.

Don!

Why did you have to mention Don?

She-she's, uh, she's very sentimental.

You see, we, uh, we-we met at dawn,

and it's her, uh, favourite time of day.

Come on, sweetheart.

Sit up there and dry those tears of joy.

Rebecca.

I got to talk to you.

I've been up

all night thinking about this,

and I'm miserable without you.

You got to marry me!

You got to marry me,

and this time I won't take no for an answer.

I love you.

Hi, Sam.

How you doing?

Huh?

I will marry you!

I said yes! I did it!

Oh, Don, thank God you came back for me!

Oh, Sam, you don't mind, do you?

No.

Oh, uh, uh, have a good day, Sam.

You, too.

She's interesting.

All right, all right, I admit it.

I'm not married; I lied.

I don't know why I did it; It was a stupid thing.

Well, Sam, you'll find someone eventually.

No, don't do that.

Don't-don't-don't feel sorry for me.

I hate that worse than anything.

Listen, Sam,

Diane told me about your past together.

Maybe this... public humiliation

is the clean break you needed.

Maybe now you can get on with your life.

Aw, you see why I love him?

Okay, you want to tell me

just what the hell this is all about?

Who are you?

He's, uh, he's a friend.

Oh, now I'm a friend.

Gee, I'm honoured.

Tell me, friend,

why did you leave our place in Malibu yesterday

without so much as a word of explanation?

You made me track you down across country

just like some sort of a gumshoe.

After seven years together, I think I deserve better.

Is he the reason you left me, Reed?!

God, no!

Look, I-I'm just,

I'm just doing a favour for Diane.

Okay, you're very good at explaining things.

Only this time,

you're not quite good enough. Well, wait!

Please, Kevin wait!

I was...

I-I'm sorry, Diane.

Muffin, come back!

So then what happened?

So the next thing we know, Diane turns up here

with her husband and asks to meet Sam's wife.

- Holy moly. - Yeah, yeah.

Then Sam goes back there and grabs our fair Rebecca,

introduces her as Mrs. Malone,

then they toddle on up there to, uh, Melville's for lunch.

Man, oh, man, oh, man.

Which ought to be very interesting

because Rebecca's been a total gibbering idiot ever since Don dumped her.

Damn it all.

Everything neat happens

when I'm not here!

I always miss everything!

Yeah.

Oh, Don!

You put me down, you big crazy thing!

You're gonna throw out your big muscular back!

Oh, I'm never letting you go again, Rebecca.

Oh, Woody,

Rebecca will be gone the rest of the evening,

and I hope you can do without her because I can't.

We're going out to make love in the, uh, swan boats

in the public gardens.

Couldn't you just eat us alive?

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!

I was pretending to be Diane's husband

to fool her old boyfriend.

She's helping me write a Tales From the Crypt!

It's that simple!

Very imaginative story.

Reed, I put up with your astronaut,

your anchorman and your all-pro quarterback!

But this is it. I'm leaving.

Please! You can just give me one last chance!

I missed something, didn't I?

We're pathetic.

How so?

Sam, you just spent the afternoon pretending

to be married to a woman who's the emotional equivalent

of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride...

and who's desperately in love with another man.

Yeah, well at least I didn't fly across the country

to make an ass out of myself.

Why bother when you do it so brilliantly right here?

The only reason why I went through all of this

is so you wouldn't get the wrong idea.

And what idea was that?

That my life was empty.

That without you I'm lost and alone with nothing to live for.

I mean, that's why you came here, right,

to see something like that?

I came back on a quest for the truth.

Ah. And you just brought along

your one-man Warren Commission there, huh?

You want the truth?

You know, I'm gonna tell you the truth.

My, my life is so full it's, it's unbelievable.

Well, tell me about it.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, sister.

You don't walk out of here for six years

and then waltz back in and expect to hear my story.

You know, I don't, I don't tell about

my very rich and-and full life with just anybody, you know?

That's exactly as I feared.

You're angry at me for leaving you.

I don't have time to be angry, honey.

I... too much to do.

When I went away to finish my novel,

I promised to come back to you in six months.

And I meant to.

But... well...

once the book was finished,

the publishers didn't want it.

I never figured out why exactly.

But then my agent

suggested that I trim a couple of thousand pages...

and make it a screenplay.

Could we hurry this along, please?

You know, my, my schedule's a real bear.

I didn't want to come back until I was successful, Sam.

But six months became a year...

and by then I'd waited too long.

Oh, what are we doing?

This is for the best.

I mean, y-you and I just don't work together.

Yeah, we had great sex, you know?

A couple times there, we had

to perform CPR on each other.

But, uh, you know, other than that,

we're a total mismatch.

I think we proved that again today, don't you?

I guess we did.

If it makes you feel any better, I don't have a full life.

I have my career, some associates,

no family, a few friends,

and of course my muse.

Even Reed is just my dog groomer.

Sometimes I feel a little lonely,

but that's the life I chose for myself.

So...

good-bye, Sam.

Yeah.

Oh, this is silly.

Bye.

Oh, wait-wait-wait, hold on a second. Listen.

Before you run out of here,

can you do me one little favour, please?

This isn't what you used to mean by favour, is it?

Come here. Come on. Sit down.

Please.

You know, it's just that they, uh, they have

this great dessert here,

but you have to order it for two.

What kind of dessert is it?

Well, they start with ice cream.

I love ice cream.

Oh, no, but this is the best ice cream.

It's sweet, rich, creamy.

What do they do to it?

Cover it with lots and lots of thick raspberry sauce all over.

All over?

They can't stop themselves.

Sounds so sinful.

There's more.

More? What more could they do?

Well, they heat up the raspberry sauce.

How hot do they get it?

How hot would you like it?

Can I interest you folks in dessert?

Just the check, please.

Quickly.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our new City Councilman, Woody Boyd.

Thank you.

You know, I want you all to know that

at City Hall I may be councilman,

but around here I'm just your old pal,

the Honourable Mr. Boyd.

That's very funny, Woody.

Of course, we all know you're joking.

But the truth be told,

you know we all see you

in a, well, a different light now.

You've taken on a certain dignity

and weight with this office,

and you will be treated accordingly.

Well, thank you, Dr. Crane. Hey!

Lonesome Cowpie, I'm dry over here!

Right away, sir.

Well, Kelly, you must be very proud of your husband.

Oh, yes, I certainly am, Dr. Crane. Yes.

You know, the city of Boston has lots of problems.

Oh.

I can't imagine what they might be,

but I know Woody is the man to solve them.

I hope you're right.

After all, we have to make the town a safe place

for little Woody Jr. To be driven through

on his way to private school.

An inspiring thought.

Yes, sir, I will.

I-I'll see you in the morning.

Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

Well, everybody, congratulate me.

I am now employed by the City of Boston.

Hey!

And I have this man to thank for it.

Oh, hey, no problem, Mr. Peterson.

I know you're gonna work very hard.

Yeah, of course, Wood.

Hey, this kind of makes you my boss, huh?

Oh, yeah, in a way,

but you know, deep down and above all,

and through everything else, we're friends.

Oh, of course.

No man ever had a better one.

I feel the same way.

Pals. Compadres.

I may be late tomorrow.

I wouldn't recommend it, Peterson.

Hey, everybody, guess what.

We got married!

Hey!

We just ran off to the Justice of the Peace

before we could change our minds.

We're a little bit crazy, aren't we?

She's a whole lot crazy, and I'm not at all.

That averages out to just a little.

Well done, Don!

You, you grabbed yourself a real, a really,

a totally... Well, you got Rebecca!

Say, Don, here, have a seat.

Let me get you a drink, huh?

Thanks, Doc.

Oh, sweetheart, I'll just be over here.

Okay, hubby.

Don't you stop loving me!

I married a plumber!

Oh, God!

I'm the wife of a plumber!

We're gonna have a whole bunch of little plumbers.

And the horrible part of it is that he's too good for me.

Gee, Miss Howe,

I mean, Mrs. Sandtry, I, uh...

And my name's Mrs. Sandtry!

Well, I think Don's gonna make a great husband.

Well, of course, he is, Woody.

I just have a little case of the wedding day jitters.

And I know I love Don with all my heart.

And until he finds out how screwed up I am and he dumps me,

we are gonna have the most wonderful marriage.

Hear-hear, huh?

Say good-bye to the old Cliff Clavin.

Good-bye!

Say hello to the new Cliff Clavin,

the new assistant supervisor of sub-district A, grid L.

Good-bye!

This, I'm here for.

Well, Cliffie, I guess buying all those gifts

really paid off, huh?

Yeah, yeah, Norm. You know, I was forced into it.

I mean, everybody else was doing it.

But there's no shame in kissing up

as long as it's a honest display of affection

for those in authority.

You know, I guess the box of steaks and a ham radio

is really a small price to pay for this kind of advancement.

Yeah, well, I had to up the ante a bit.

Yeah, I'm, uh, putting on a family room on his house.

But I can hold my head up high.

You see, he's got to furnish it himself.

Yeah, you see, once that pool table is delivered, I'm out.

Hey, wait a minute, where's Sammy?

Hey, Woody, was he at the swearing in?

I didn't see him.

Oh, no!

Has anyone seen Sam since yesterday

when he was upstairs with Miss Robin Deadbreast?

Oh, no! Man, I slipped up!

I let down my guard!

Anything that happens now is my fault.

What was I thinking?!

Well, Carla, for God's sakes, relax!

I mean, just look around you.

Woody's got a new position. Norm's got a job.

Cliff's got a promotion.

Rebecca's got a husband!

I mean, this is the best day in the history of Cheers!

Nothing could go wrong today.

Hey, everybody.

Diane and I are together again.

Did you hear what I said?

I said, we're a, we're a couple.

As a matter of fact we're, uh, we're getting married.

Congratulations.