Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Good evening, gentlemen.

What mindless divertissement

occupies your waning attention span tonight?

It's the, uh, National Cable Ace Awards...

given for excellence in all facets of cable programming.

I stand corrected.

Are you watching for any particular category?

Yes, the most impressive display

of female flesh in the, uh, tight-fitting dress.

You're watching for cleavage.

Living for cleavage.

Stunning super model Kim Alexis

is listed as a presenter. Yeah.

Yeah, Kim Alexis.

Boy, how often her lovely form has graced the pages

of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, huh? Yeah.

And how often some youngster slipped underneath the blankets

with a flashlight and looked at the same issue

while their mother pounds on the door and says,

"It's past your bedtime, Clifford!"

Or whatever the lad's name happens to be.

Hey, Dr. Crane, you know, tomorrow's the big day

I'm getting sworn in in Boston City Council.

Oh, yes, the beginning of your political career.

It started out as a small joke and turned into an enormous one.

Yeah, and listen, I was wondering if

maybe you could help me out with the speech I'm giving.

Well, of course I'll take a look at it, Woody.

Where is it?

Well, I, you know, I was wondering

if maybe you could write it for me.

All right, I'll be your speech writer, Woody.

What ideas would you like to incorporate?

Okay. Looks like I'm gonna need one more favour.

Welcome to Cheers.

Can I take your order, handsome?

Can I be your order, handsome?

Cutty Sark neat, please.

Okay. Would you like that in a glass

or shall I pour it over myself and let you lick it off?

Come on, Carla, this happens to be my guy.

Yeah, well, I can fix that in ten minutes.

Five-if I use jumper cables and a wet towel.

Listen to me- "my guy."

That feels good to say, "my guy."

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, uh, Rebecca, listen.

There's something really important I've been wanting

to ask you all night, but, uh, I guess I'm just too nervous.

Uh, well, y-you know, I'm a plumber

and I'm not very good with words and, uh...

Oh, why don't we just forget it.

No! No-no-no-no!

Wait, wh-why don't you just sit here and relax

and, uh, you think about that question you want to pop

and, uh, I-I'll get us some champagne

so that we can celebrate the answer.

And our next presenters are

Salman Rushdie and Dr. Ruth.

Sleepy time down South, huh?

Hey, everybody.

- Oh. - Hey, Sam.

Sam, come here, you're just the guy I want to talk to.

Come here. Where have you been?

Well, the sex compulsion therapy group thing.

Yeah. We're all real proud of you with that.

How's that thing going?

Uh, slow but painful.

This week I'm not gonna think about sex at all

or even hear about or talk about anything remotely sexual.

Sam, it's about my love life.

Yeah, that should be safe.

Listen, I think

the most important thing in my life is about to happen.

Don is gonna propose to me.

Oh! No, shh...!

But he's having a little bit of a hard time...

he's sort of shy and he can't really spit it out,

so I'm gonna coax him along by giving him a little champagne.

Do you think that's a good idea?

Oh, that's the best idea I've ever heard.

Listen, uh, let me buy the champagne...

the best stuff I've got.

Best stuff.

Wh-Wh-Which is the best stuff?

Uh, it's the bottle with the Flintstones on it.

Wh-What you watchin' there, guys?

The Cable Ace Awards, Sammy.

Yeah. We're breathlessly awaiting

the appearance of stunning super model, Kim Alexis.

She the one with the great...

Yeah, yeah.

See you.

Aw, poor Sammy.

Breaks my heart.

First the man has to give up drinking and now women.

Yeah. Boy...

there's no way in hell Clifford C. Clavin

could ever give up babes.

I'd explode.

I know where you're coming from.

You've got to understand, Don.

I've always been at a disadvantage.

See, I was born with only one erogenous zone, and...

unfortunately, it covers my entire body.

That's why I've had to work extra hard

to get to where I am today.

Frankly, Carla, uh,

I don't think I could satisfy you.

I'm not sure the men of Desert Storm could satisfy you.

Carla, will you excuse us?

Don and I are in the middle of a very important conversation.

So are we.

Carla, shoo!

Okay, I'll leave you alone with your handsome plumber.

Don... Mm.

You, uh, you said that you had something

that you wanted to ask me?

Well...

Rebecca, we've only known each other a very short time, and...

but in that time, I've come to care for you very deeply.

And...

I've been happier with you than anyone else

and I... I don't want that happiness to ever end.

Rebecca,

will you m-m-m-marry me?

Oh, Don!

Of course I won't!

Huh?

What?

That was, that was a mistake.

Ask me again.

Will you marry me?

No!

Oh!

What the hell is happening?!

Rebecca, are you okay? Yeah.

D-D-Don, hold it. Just sit there one second.

"Rebecca will you marry me?"

Oh, I love you so much, Don.

Of course I'll marry you.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, Don, ask me quick.

Rebecca, will you marry me?

Never!

Oh!

I don't know what's happening!

Oh, well, I do!

You obviously don't feel about me the way I feel about you.

See you around, Rebecca.

Nice knowing you.

Rebecca...

Rebecca, are you all right?

Yes, thank you!

Oh, God!

Oh, I just let the man that I love walk right out of my life.

Oh, please, Frasier, go get him.

Oh, okay, of course.

Wait!

Wait a minute.

Maybe I said no because deep down inside,

I know that we haven't known each other long enough.

Yet if he walks out now,

I may never see him for the rest of my life.

Oh, come on, girl.

Take a chance.

All right. Go, go, go, go!

No! Hold it!

No, I mean, maybe, maybe I know

that this just isn't the right thing to do, deep down inside.

Wait a minute, I've got it. I've got it.

I-I'm just gonna do nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

I'm just gonna sit down here

and pretend like the whole thing was a dream.

Run, Don! Run!

Run like the wind!

Norm, hey, Norm, new category.

This may be the end of our long, dark night.

And now to present the award

for best writing in a movie or miniseries,

here are super model, Kim Alexis

and Hall of Fame player and coach, Mike Ditka.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You know, Coach, I was wondering,

which one of us has had the most coverage in Sports Illustrated?

No contest, Kim.

That would be me.

Oh, you mean because you've had so many great years

on the gridiron as being both a player and a coach, right?

No, I mean because when I've seen you in the magazine,

you've had very little coverage at all.

Oh, you.

You know, I think it's unfair.

I think that they should do

an issue featuring swimsuits for men.

Great idea.

The only thing is, the ladies have to model the suits.

Coach, you're incorrigible.

I don't write it, I just say it.

Shall we present the nominees

for best writing of a movie or miniseries?

Why not? Okay.

The nominees are:

Jerry Burger, Tulsa Farewell.

Diane Chambers, The Heart Held Hostage.

Rhonda Kizowski, A Dream of Gladiolas.

Wait.

Did you hear that?

Did my ears deceive me?

What's the matter, Dr. Crane?

Well, I thought I heard Diane Chambers' name

in that list of nominees.

Robert Vanderveer and Kenneth Montoya

for Tris... Tristan and Isolde Get a Place in Jersey.

And the winner is...

Diane Chambers, The Heart Held Hostage.

Can it be?

Is it really her?

Thank you all.

And thank you, cable television, for allowing those of us...

who eschew the pap and pablum of commercial television...

to sing, to dance, to write

and to listen to the whispers of our muses.

Although sometimes the voices of

Calliope, Clio, Erato, Euterpe,

Melpomene, Polyhymia, Terpsichore, Thalia and Urania

are too soft to be heard.

Forgive me, gals, if I forgot someone.

God, is it her.

Thanks to my parents for

conceiving and bearing me.

Although both wanted a boy...

locked as were so many of their generation in masculine primacy.

Anyhow, where to begin?

Guess we, better go tell Sammy the romance of his life

is on national TV.

Yeah, well, she was once the romance of my life, too, Norm,

or are you forgetting?

She dropped you like a bad habit.

Sorry I didn't bring that up.

Thanks to the Amazon Rain Forest

for providing me and you, ladies and gentlemen,

with 40% of our oxygen.

The devastation must end!

Woody, I want you to look at the television

and tell me what you see.

Uh, the television isn't even on.

I just must be having one of my little spells.

Thanks to you, Sylvia Plath...

Whoa! This is a doozy!

Let me say this,

your tragic story will be my next project.

Hey Woody, lock up for me, will you?

I'm gonna take off.

Oh, Lord, I tell you, that Kim Alexis is hot.

Look to her right.

Thank you, Dr. Wendell Brandt...

Oh, my God.

For believing in and inspiring a gangly...

college freshman in creative writing.

It was Dr. Wendell Burgoyne

who was my creative writing teacher...

My entire script was written on recycled paper.

You have to be taught to hate.

So, local girl makes good. Hmm.

Ah, well, here's to Diane and her success.

Well, I'm gonna do you one better there.

I think I'm gonna send her a telegram of congratulations.

You know, it's kind of the classy thing to do.

H-H-Hold it. Wait a minute.

Why would you be sending a telegram to my hallucination?

Unless, it's not a hallucination.

What-what-what are you talking about? The...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

As a matter of fact, this, this whole thing is part of the hallucination.

Wow. I must have been in a car accident. Mmm.

I'm probably in a hospital

right now, hooked up to a bunch of machines,

barely clinging to life.

Yes. That's... that's probably true.

Phew. What a relief.

Cheers.

Hello, Sam.

Well, hello there.

Thanks for the lovely telegram.

How did you find me?

Uh, Frasier, uh, you know,

has a colleague who's kind of a shrink to the stars in L.A.

Oh, well, I'd hardly call myself a star.

Well, I didn't say you were.

Well, I didn't say you did.

Yeah, anyway, you know, he knew somebody who knew somebody

who knew somebody who'd kind of heard of you.

I'm sorry I haven't been in touch.

I've been terribly busy.

Well, there's no need to apologize.

Uh, life's been great for you.

It's been great for me, too.

Oh really, Sam?

Is life okay for you?

Okay? You kidding me?

Ah, it couldn't be better, you know.

Business is great, family's great.

Hair is thicker than ever.

Family?

You're married?

Well, you didn't think I was gonna... wait around for you

for the rest of my life, did you?

I didn't say that.

I didn't say you did.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Great gal.

Yeah, great kids, too.

You know, they sure grow up fast, don't they?

What about you, Diane, you, you got children?

I have three.

Well, we have four.

That's, uh, that's-that's one more than you, I guess.

Yes.

Well, anyway, he's a wonderful man.

You'd like Reed.

Well, if you're ever in Boston,

make sure you, uh, you bring him over to the bar.

Well, you know, actually, I have been meaning to come back to Boston.

I've been invited to speak at almost all my alma maters.

I was afraid of running into... problems.

But maybe we will come back now that we've been invited.

I'll have to check Reed's schedule.

Yes. You do that.

Yes, uh, sure hope you can make it.

Thank you. I hope so, too.

Well, bye, Diane.

Bye.

Sammy...

Why did you invite her here

when you're lying about being married?

You kidding me? She'll never show up here.

Besides, she's the one who's lying about being married.

How do you know?

Because I know the woman.

I know she's lying.

Fortunately, I also know that she knows

that I know she's lying,

which is why she'll never dare show her face in Boston.

She's coming.

How's it going, Cliffie?

Aw, I'm in no mood to talk.

Aw, guys, thanks for cheering me up with your humour.

Okay, I'll tell you what's bothering me.

Oh, please, dear God,

Let this be a story about the post office.

There's this, uh, there's this guy down at work, Marty Furman.

Don't you people know from sarcasm?

There's a supervisor's position going on in my department

and Marty's the guy who, uh,

is in charge of deciding who gets it.

And wouldn't you know it, every flunky and his cousin

is kissing up to him like there's no tomorrow.

Why does this bother you so much, Cliff?

Oh, because I rightfully deserve that job,

but I'm not going to stoop to their level.

No siree, Bob.

Everything I've gotten in my life I've gotten on merit.

That explains your meteoric rise.

"I believe I was elected to the city council

"as an agent of change.

"And I fully intend to live up to that pledge.

I will make change."

No, change "change" to "a change."

What?

No, see in here, you make change.

There, you make a change.

So just make the change.

Change, "make change" to "make a change."

Oh, just change it!

Well, I think I see why Dr. Crane never cures anybody.

You know, I couldn't help

but overhear your little speech there, Wood.

It was very interesting what you said about cronyism.

You're gonna have to be strong, though.

A lot of people are gonna put a lot of pressure on you.

Imagine an old pal who's been out of work,

a real good friend who hasn't worked in years.

The guy could be fully trained as...

I don't know...

let's say, an accountant.

But now?

He spends all his time in a bar...

running up a tab that he'll never be able to pay off.

You could probably help that poor soul, Woody.

Pull a few strings down at City Hall, get the guy a job.

But you... you wouldn't do that, would you?

Because you're a man of honour and principle and integrity.

I'll see what I can do, Mr. Peterson.

I'll need $500 a week and a car.

Did Don call?

No. I'm sorry, sweetheart.

What a loser I am.

I'm so bad I should form a club of losers.

You know, that's something I could win...

president of the losers club.

Sweetheart, you-you look like you slept in that dress.

I did.

And I may wear it for the rest of my life.

Who would care?

In a couple of days, we all will.

This is the dress that I lost my guy in.

If you hear a scream and a thud...

just keep drinking.

I don't think I'm getting any work out of her today.

She doesn't do anything, anyway.

And she doesn't start that until noon.

Hello, everyone.

Nice to see you, too, Carla.

Diane...

What are you doing here?

You invited me, remember?

Carla, relax.

We're just here for a visit.

We?

Yes, I'm with my husband, Reed.

He's parking the car.

I wanted to bring the children but they're in school.

Oh, great.

How-how great that is.

Sam, Reed and I would love to take you to lunch.

Is your wife about?

Yes. Yes, she's about.

Um, I'll just, uh, get my wife, Rebecca.

Yes, uh, my wife Rebecca.

Excuse me, a second.

Woody...

One, two...

Oh.

Rebecca, sweetheart, you have to be my wife.

Okay.

Oh, now sure, I can say "yes" to you,

because you mean about as much to me as a rat's patootie.

Listen, honey, I, I want you to understand,

see, I lied to Diane.

You remember Diane? Well, she's back.

Anyway, I-I-I told her that I was married

because I knew she'd never show up.

But she's here with her husband.

So, please, you got to be my wife, just for lunch.

No. I don't know, Sam.

Look, please, please, I'll owe you a big one. Please.

All right.

After losing the only man I ever loved,

lunch should hit the spot.

Thank you.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You're such a friend.

And you're such a mess.

Uh, tell you what, why don't we fix you up a little

then... ooh, then we'll fix you up a lot.