Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Oh! Good thing I set my watch, otherwise I would've forgot

something very important I have to do right at this very minute.

Yeah, what's that, Wood?

Did you... need to take some medication?

No.

Well, uh... maybe you're supposed to call somebody, huh?

No. No...

Perhaps you had an appointment?

Maybe if I just don't think about it,

it'll come to me.

I wouldn't worry about it, Wood.

As you get older, you know,

the memory starts to go a bit.

Myself, I was thinking about maybe

signing up for one of those memory classes.

That's it, my memory class!

Today's graduation.

Oh, where'd I park?

Oh, yeah. See, it's working.

Evening, everybody.

Norm!

How's life treating you, Norm?

Well, Sammy, it's not.

So I sure hope you are.

Where's Woody?

Oh, his father-in-law took him and Kelly

to see the Boston Symphony. Ah!

Probably thought Woody needed

a little musical culture. Yeah.

The Boston Symphony is offering "Mahler's Third" this evening,

one of my absolute favourites.

It always brings salt water to Lilith's eyes.

Tears to you and me,

saline secretions to her.

"Mahler's Third" takes over an hour and a half by itself.

The adagio alone is endless.

I beg your pardon.

Since when do you know anything about classical music?

Since I was two years old.

My mother was a concert cellist.

I used to turn the pages for her while she was practicing.

And I loathe Mahler.

Well, it must have been very enriching

to have a mother who played the cello.

Like hell.

Her food tasted like rosin,

and every time I tried to sit on her lap, I fell through.

Hey, Cliffie, how're you doing?

Not well, Sam.

Boy, am I mad!

I've never been this upset!

Boy, three words fellas,

three words:

Dames is grief.

Fighting with Ma, huh?

Oh, and how.

It seems like that's all we do anymore.

You know, you'd think it'd be a perfect set-up...

mother and a grown son

living in a one bedroom apartment.

But no.

Reality check, gentlemen.

Life is not like the movies, I guess, huh?

I'm sure it'll all blow over, Cliffie.

No, no way, Sammy, not this time.

I tell you that broad's pushed me too hard.

Too hard, I tell you.

It's about time I started pushing back.

She's just gone and created a monster, that's all.

But this monster is not gonna

lie in some tomb of ice.

No, sirree.

My anger will melt that ice, so that I might rise up

and, and crush the Tokyo of the buildings there

beneath the talons of my animosity...

Cliff, Cliff.

We all appreciate how hard you're working

on this metaphor, but we get the idea.

What a majestic composer that Mahler was.

What a piece of work!

I'll go upstairs and see if Melville's

- is still serving dinner. - Say, Kelly,

you go to a lot of those classical...

concert things, don't you?

Do you really enjoy them?

Oh, I love them, Sam.

I just sit there and let my mind

become a total blank.

How, how do you do that?

How do I do what?

You have a nice dinner, Kelly.

Why don't you order some protein, sweetheart.

That opening piece, that gorgeous

Dvorjak cello concerto in, uh...

What was it? B Minor.

Yes, I thought that was...

Why, Miss Howe.

I'm flabbergasted.

B Minor's correct.

Believe me, I know.

Well, my compliments.

Obviously, when you've worked at the house

I've failed to appreciate your depth.

Not to mention her width.

No, I've always thought

that Mahler was an acquired taste.

You can say that again.

You know, it was a shared love for music

which first attracted me to my ex-wife.

Really?

Do you know "Mahler's Fourth"?

It's only my fave, that's all.

Hey, Woody, how'd it go, man?

Oh, Sam, you're right. Yeah?

As soon as those lights dimmed,

I was sound asleep.

These things really came in handy. Oh...

Yeah, I tell you, these things bailed me out quite a few times.

Got me through a lot of heart-to-heart

pillow talk with Diane.

That cello concerto, it gets everyone!

You know, I stole a look at the young people

during the allegretto, and I must admit,

even Woody was displaying unusual intensity.

Woody.

Woody, they say we can still eat

if we order right now.

You know, Miss Howe,

I know this is late notice,

but are you free this Saturday night?

I'm having some people in to listen to classical music.

This, this, this, this Saturday?

If you're busy, I'll understand... No, no!

I, I'm I-I-I'm available.

Oh, splendid.

Shall we say around 7:00?

7:00. Yeah.

My God!

Did you, did you just hear what happened?

I certainly did.

This incredibly rich man asked me out.

And-and all this time, he's just b...

he's been there right in front of my nose.

Well, congratulations, honey.

I think he loves me.

Oh, come-slow down, will you?

Just slow down. All he did was ask you for a date.

Well, all Charles did was ask Diana

if she wanted a cup of tea.

And look how that turned out.

Their marriage is in shambles.

"Shambles"?

She got three castles and $80 mil.

I call that happily ever after.

I forgot my purse.

Uh, Kelly?

Kelly, is your, is your dad seeing anyone special?

No, and I wish he were.

Since the divorce,

he just mopes around the house.

I sure wish he'd meet someone wonderful.

Oh, so do I.

For you, I mean.

You know, Kelly, isn't it rough on you,

not having a mother around?

I mean, you don't even have a stepmother.

Somebody to chat with,

and to share things with,

and to confide and tell all your

special little secrets to.

Boy, I'll say.

Like there's this thing Woody does

when we make love.

Now tell me if you think this is normal...

Let's just save it. Let-let...

I think your soup's getting cold. Come on, honey.

Go on upstairs. Bye-bye.

Hey, Carla.

Give me a quick coffee, will you?

I've got some major driving to do.

Cliffie.

Where've you been the past few days?

Ah, getting my nerve up.

For what?

Something drastic.

You and your mom still fighting?

No, that's, uh...

not a problem anymore.

No, uh, well why, Cliff? Why not?

Well, 'cause I had all I could take.

Something unpleasant had to be done.

And it wasn't pretty, it wasn't easy, but, uh,

she won't be bugging me anymore.

So, what's been going on around here?

Well, Cliff, your ma is still at your place, isn't she?

No, she's, uh, out in the car.

Why didn't you bring her in?

Oh, everybody's getting kind of nosy around here, huh?

You think, uh, we'll talk about something else, please?

You love talking about your ma.

Hey! Subject closed, all right?

Aw, forget it.

Maybe there aren't so many "Ma lovers" out in the woods.

I knew this day would come.

Clavin whacked his mother.

Come on, Carla.

He said she was "out in the car."

Yeah, and soon she'll be out in the woods.

Yeah, well, maybe she's getting her own place, you know?

Yeah, she's probably getting a lot of places.

Especially after the bears dig her up.

Oh, knock it off, Carla.

Cliff didn't kill anybody.

Why not?

What do we really know about him?

We know he is weird.

He's weird, but he's not that weird.

Look, to kill his mother, he'd have to be some

kind of slobbering, degenerate dual-personality psychopath.

Anybody got a problem with that?

I can't believe I'm hearing this!

If you really think Cliff is capable of murdering his mother,

why do you remain his friends?

He's my ride.

Well, here we are.

Oh, Ma! Look at this!

Even better than the picture in the brochure.

Yes, I expect I'll be perfectly delighted

once I stop weeping and feeling carsick.

Aw, come on, Ma, the ride wasn't that bad.

You drive too fast.

All young people do.

I've often said,

"A lot of needless accidents could be avoided

if they'd just raise the legal driving age to 50."

Well, I was just in a hurry to get you

to this beautiful retirement community.

I'll say. Talk about luxury, huh?

Oh! That bed, that's,

that's practically king-sized.

King Richard III, wasn't he the dwarf?

Oh, what do we got here?

Whoa, look at this, Ma!

You've got a beautiful view of the woods here.

Boy, oh, boy-you know, when I see a place

like this, I... I almost wish I was retired.

Clifford, are you sure we can afford a place like this?

Oh, yeah, but don't worry,

your insurance policies will cover it.

Oh, that's convenient.

You'll have money left for hooch and slatterns.

Oh, come on, Ma.

You know I'm just doing what's best for you.

Come on, Ma.

We've both got to be strong about this.

I suppose you're right.

Well, you're darned tootin', I'm right.

I mean, you're gonna have a lot of fun here, Ma.

The brochure says the day's crammed with activities.

You'll play bingo to your heart's content.

You'll make new friends.

These are your golden years.

Oh, bless your heart.

You've given me what every mother dreams of...

a tastefully furnished room

in which to die among strangers.

Ma, come on.

We're, we're gonna be strong, remember?

Now, is there anything you need?

Well...

you could keep my garden up.

I think there are a couple of bags left

of that steer manure you gave me

last Mothers' Day.

Okay. I'll go do that now.

Bye-bye.

Ma, will you stop that?

All right, good-bye.

Ma!

What? I'm just standing here.

You're making those noises.

I don't hear any noises.

It must be your guilty conscience.

You run along.

I expect they'll be here any minute

to prep me for my lobotomy.

Ma, you're not going to make me feel guilty.

Now, I'm gonna leave,

and I'll see you next visitors' day.

Bring cigarettes.

They're money in these places, you know.

Presto.

Wow, that's a nifty gismo for cracking locks, Carla.

Where'd you get it? My kid made it

in Shop for Mothers' Day.

I don't feel right,

breaking into Cliff's place like this.

Yeah, well, we've got to do it now while he's out driving.

It's the only way we're gonna find out

what happened to his mother.

Yeah, besides, it's kind of exciting, isn't it?

You know, I always used to dream of being

a sophisticated, international jewel thief,

leaping catlike from balcony to balcony.

We've got to see if we can find any trace of that poor woman.

Look at this place, give me the creeps.

Look, Paul, go see what's in there, okay?

Oh, it's just a head.

Oh!

Oh, relax.

It's another word for "bathroom."

It's an old navy term.

You were in the navy?

Mess cook, that dream came true.

Well, go snoop around in there.

See if you can find any intimate, feminine stuff.

Aye-aye.

There's a jar of bubble bath.

Oh, no, that's Cliff's.

Uh, he uses it because he thinks it keeps dogs

from biting him on his route.

Biting him on his what?

When he's out delivering mail, doofus.

Is there anything else in there?

Uh, just guy stuff:

Soap, toothpaste, uh, aftershave.

You know what's weird about this?

This closet has all Cliff's stuff,

but not even a trace of any of Ma Clavin's stuff.

Yeah, well what about this skirt?

Oh, no, that's Cliff's.

It's, uh, it's a kilt.

He wore it to the Postman's Ball, remember?

"A Night in Glasgow" was the theme.

This is fiendish.

It's like he's just eliminated

all traces of her.

It's as though she never existed.

You're right, it is beginning to get suspicious.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's this?

Oh, no-no-no, that's the mail.

Come on, that's private.

Right, like Cliff's

never read anyone else's mail.

"Dear Mister Clavin,

"I am forwarding you all your mother's

insurance policies under separate cover."

This is the smoking gun.

Let's get out of here.

Too late, he's coming up the stairs.

Get in the closet. Yeah, yeah.

Go on, get in the closet.

There's not enough room in here!

Well, everybody take a deep breath.

Well, I hope you're satisfied, Clavin.

You've done it now- the dirty deed.

There's no going back.

So long.

Arrivederci.

Sayonara.

Yachsomache.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I can't just pretend and go on like nothing's happened.

Oh, I've got to talk to somebody.

Somebody who will understand me.

Somebody who won't condemn me.

Ma, I'm going down to Cheers!

Get me...

Well, it sounds pretty bad for Ma Clavin.

Let's get out of here.

Wait, wait, wait.

No one is going anywhere until I find out

who had their hands on my butt.

Oh, that was me.

I thought you had gum.

How do I look?

Wow! You're dressed a little fancy, aren't you,

to go over to some guy's house and listen to some music?

First of all, it is not a house.

It is a stately mansion.

And secondly, it is not "some guy."

It is Mr. Gaines, the man I adore.

"Adore?"

Come on, what are you doing...

You don't even know the guy's first name, do you?

It's Mister.

And if I play my cards right tonight,

I might just become Mrs. Mr. Gaines.

Just think of it, Sam.

Starting tonight I am no longer the old Rebecca Howe.

I am the new Rebecca Howe.

This is going to be the start...

Of a whole new life for me.

Have I said that before?

Only about a thousand times.

Well, this time it's different.

Wow. Wow.

Honey, you're doing it again.

You're going completely overboard.

You do this time and time again.

And I just, I don't want to see you get hurt.

You're right.

I'm rushing into things again, aren't I?

Yeah.

Listen, listen, it-it's just a simple date, right?

You're going over to a guy's house

and you listen to a little music.

That's right, I'm just listening to a little music.

Yeah.

And I do like some classical music.

I, I... maybe they'll play Wagner. I like Wagner.

What's that catchy little tune

that he has that I like?

Oh, I know.

You're doing it...

Sam, you busy?

Who is it?

It's Cliff.

Then, yeah.

Thanks, Sam.

Hey, I, uh, I'm really upset about something.

I, just need your advice, pal.

Cliff, Cliff.

They, they make fun of you because they love you, okay?

Uh, thanks, Sam, but, uh, uh...

that's not really why I came in here.

Oh. Then, why?

Well, Sam, I want to talk about Ma.

We've been fighting a lot lately,

and, uh, we've decided

That she should go live

in a retirement community.

And, aw, Sammy, I'm the worst son in the world!

Oh, man, hey, uh, listen,

all-all, all families...

Do me a favor, do you want to sit on the desk?

All right.

Uh, all-all families go through this, Cliffie.

Uh, you know, I think you're doing the right thing.

Uh, uh, you know, you know,

I'll bet she's going to be real happy, right?

I mean, you picked a nice place.

Oh, yeah.

A real nice place.

Famous, too.

It was profiled on 60 Minutes.

You know, a couple weeks later,

they went back and did a follow-up even.

There you go, Cliff. Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you're right, Sam.

I still feel a little bit guilty, though.

Yeah, well, uh, you know, there's no need for that.

I think you're doing the right thing, pal.

Hey, thanks, Sam.

Listen, I'd appreciate it if you didn't spread it around,

you know, this little talk we had here.

I only told you because we're best friends.

Well, fair enough.

You know, but maybe we shouldn't spread that around, either.

I'm with you, Sam. All right.

I'll, uh, be back in a while there, Woody.

Just remembered a job I have to take care of at home.

All right, Mr. Clavin.

Hey, Cliff...

Oh, it's, uh, nice to see you guys, too. Yeah.

So, uh, where, where've you been?

Oh, here, there... everywhere, you know.

Yeah, we didn't hear anything.

Oh, yeah, save a beer for me, will you?

Hey, where's he going? Well, he said he had a job

to take care of at home.

Yeah-a little digging in the backyard, maybe.

Getting rid of the murder weapon.

Come on, Carla.

I can't believe you people are still pursuing

that paranoid fantasy about Cliff.

It's no fantasy, Frasier.

And isn't it interesting

that you're the one who keeps defending him?

Well, I'm not defending him. I'm merely saying...

Where is Lilith these days, anyhow?

Has anyone here heard from Lilith lately?

Oh, come on, Carla, lay off.

And what about Vera, Norm? Where is Vera?

Carla... And has anyone ever seen Paul's alleged ex?

You're all sick.

It's an evil conspiracy.

A bunch of frustrated men

who slaughter women

and then chop up their bodies in the dead of night!

Oh, man!

I'd better have a date pretty soon

or I'm gonna start turning weird.

Why, Miss Howe

I was just beginning to worry about you.

Oh, please, call me Rebecca.

What a lovely home you have.

So many possibilities.

Why, thank you.

You should enjoy yourself this evening.

We're having an all-Mahler program.

Oh, wonderful.

Yes. I've hired a very gifted German baritone.

He'll be performing Mahler's "Kindertotenleider,"

songs on the death of children.

Well, if we don't have fun tonight, we never will.

Yes, and you should be able

to hear adequately from your station,

where you'll be performing your duties.

My station?

Yes. You'll be tending bar just through that door.

You know, we didn't have a chance to discuss your wages.

Now I want to be fair.

My station? My duties?

Uh, Hives, here, has your apron.

Hives? He'll explain your duties.

I'll start off with a white wine.

My station? My duties? My apron?

Fancy dress.

Hives, I-I think there's been a terrible mistake here.

You see, I-I think I was supposed to be

Mister Gaines' date for this evening.

Really! Oh, they'll love that in the kitchen.

Thank you.

You're very kind.