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1
00:00:01,443 --> 00:00:04,044
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,147 --> 00:00:06,914
Hi, Miss Howe.
3
00:00:06,916 --> 00:00:08,149
Hi, Kelly.
4
00:00:08,151 --> 00:00:11,369
This... is for you.
5
00:00:11,403 --> 00:00:13,404
For me?
6
00:00:13,438 --> 00:00:15,272
What is it?
7
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:19,744
Oh, Kelly, this is beautiful.
8
00:00:19,778 --> 00:00:21,162
Why me?
9
00:00:21,196 --> 00:00:24,398
Because I like you and you've
always shown me friendship.
10
00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:25,501
Well, that's sweet, Kelly.
11
00:00:25,502 --> 00:00:27,168
Thank you.
12
00:00:27,202 --> 00:00:29,671
And I want you to keep
your hands off my man.
13
00:00:32,258 --> 00:00:34,042
Do we understand each other?
14
00:00:34,093 --> 00:00:36,276
Not really.
15
00:00:36,345 --> 00:00:38,112
Don't play dumb with me,
Miss Howe.
16
00:00:38,147 --> 00:00:39,447
I invented it.
17
00:00:40,933 --> 00:00:43,768
You know, Woody tells me
how you look at him.
18
00:00:43,770 --> 00:00:45,119
Kelly, I don't look at him.
19
00:00:45,154 --> 00:00:46,521
I know you do, Miss Howe,
20
00:00:46,523 --> 00:00:50,074
and I'm prepared to buy you
one of these every month
21
00:00:50,109 --> 00:00:52,743
if you keep away from my Woody.
22
00:00:55,614 --> 00:00:58,950
Well, you know, Kelly,
he is awfully cute.
23
00:00:58,984 --> 00:01:00,351
All right, one a week.
24
00:01:00,385 --> 00:01:02,587
Do we have a deal? Deal.
25
00:01:04,790 --> 00:01:08,008
Do you know where Carla is?
26
00:01:13,999 --> 00:01:16,317
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
27
00:01:16,352 --> 00:01:19,537
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
28
00:01:19,572 --> 00:01:22,206
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
29
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:25,677
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
30
00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:29,547
♪ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ♪
31
00:01:30,816 --> 00:01:33,118
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
32
00:01:33,152 --> 00:01:37,605
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
33
00:01:38,907 --> 00:01:43,544
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
34
00:01:43,579 --> 00:01:45,813
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
35
00:01:45,847 --> 00:01:48,382
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
36
00:01:48,416 --> 00:01:52,654
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
37
00:01:53,889 --> 00:01:55,856
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
38
00:01:55,891 --> 00:01:59,093
♪ People are all the same ♪
39
00:01:59,127 --> 00:02:03,698
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
40
00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:23,567
A Scotch, please, Sam.
41
00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:26,003
And how about a beer
for my friend Norm there?
42
00:02:26,038 --> 00:02:27,288
Thank you, Fras.
43
00:02:27,289 --> 00:02:29,173
You're certainly in
a chipper mood today.
44
00:02:29,174 --> 00:02:31,225
And why not?
It's a beautiful day.
45
00:02:31,226 --> 00:02:32,126
Yeah, good for you.
46
00:02:32,127 --> 00:02:33,293
You know, it's amazing
47
00:02:33,294 --> 00:02:35,584
how fast you've gotten
over your separation.
48
00:02:35,597 --> 00:02:38,866
Well, a healthy mental
attitude-that's my secret.
49
00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:40,901
Without that, you're nothing.
50
00:02:40,902 --> 00:02:42,469
Ah, that's great, that's great.
51
00:02:42,470 --> 00:02:44,488
You're completely over Lilith.
52
00:02:44,523 --> 00:02:46,157
I'm sorry, who?
53
00:02:47,142 --> 00:02:49,110
Lilith, your wife.
54
00:02:49,144 --> 00:02:51,078
Never heard of the slut.
55
00:02:52,898 --> 00:02:54,715
Big news, everybody.
56
00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:57,452
Put down your beer mugs
and hold on to your barstools.
57
00:02:57,453 --> 00:02:58,836
Me and Ma just got
a new neighbour,
58
00:02:58,837 --> 00:03:00,371
moved into our
apartment building...
59
00:03:00,372 --> 00:03:02,406
little guy,
about a hundred years old,
60
00:03:02,408 --> 00:03:05,959
up from South America,
thick German accent,
61
00:03:05,994 --> 00:03:08,128
little moustache
right about here.
62
00:03:09,465 --> 00:03:10,547
Likes to paint.
63
00:03:10,582 --> 00:03:12,692
I think you know
where I'm going with this.
64
00:03:12,718 --> 00:03:14,802
Sweet Lord, I'll bet I do.
65
00:03:14,804 --> 00:03:18,372
Yep, Adolf Hitler is living
in my apartment building.
66
00:03:18,373 --> 00:03:22,010
Cliff, I don't even know
why I have to tell you this,
67
00:03:22,011 --> 00:03:23,577
but Hitler is dead.
68
00:03:23,612 --> 00:03:26,080
He died at the end of World
War II in that bunker.
69
00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:27,065
Oh, yeah, really?
70
00:03:27,066 --> 00:03:28,332
Were you at the bunker?
71
00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:29,997
Yeah, as a
matter of fact... Cliff,
72
00:03:30,069 --> 00:03:34,688
throughout the years, we've
become accustomed to your...
73
00:03:34,689 --> 00:03:36,290
oh, how shall
I delicately put this?
74
00:03:36,291 --> 00:03:38,826
Uh... madness.
75
00:03:41,163 --> 00:03:44,699
Now, for my own peace of mind,
please assure me
76
00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:46,801
that you're not going
to march up to this man
77
00:03:46,802 --> 00:03:49,236
and accuse him
of being der Führer.
78
00:03:49,254 --> 00:03:51,039
No, my accusations won't come
79
00:03:51,073 --> 00:03:53,741
until after I complete
my investigation.
80
00:03:55,094 --> 00:03:56,561
The case will be rock solid,
81
00:03:56,563 --> 00:03:58,079
and it'd better be.
82
00:03:58,113 --> 00:04:00,415
I-I've been wrong
twice before, you know.
83
00:04:01,934 --> 00:04:03,700
Sa-am.
84
00:04:03,719 --> 00:04:05,252
Wha-at?
85
00:04:05,270 --> 00:04:08,156
I haven't been down here
since the fire.
86
00:04:08,190 --> 00:04:10,925
By the way,
when are you going to rebuild?
87
00:04:10,927 --> 00:04:13,110
We have.
88
00:04:13,112 --> 00:04:16,814
Oh, well, and it looks very...
89
00:04:16,849 --> 00:04:18,716
The reason I'm down here
90
00:04:18,784 --> 00:04:20,474
is, last night our refrigerator
91
00:04:20,486 --> 00:04:21,585
went on the fritz,
92
00:04:21,586 --> 00:04:23,570
leaving us with a hundred pounds
of mackerel,
93
00:04:23,571 --> 00:04:26,140
which may
or may not have gone bad.
94
00:04:26,141 --> 00:04:27,875
Now, not wanting to take
a chance with my customers,
95
00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:29,760
I'm prepared
96
00:04:29,795 --> 00:04:32,396
to offer a special
to your patrons.
97
00:04:32,430 --> 00:04:35,666
All-you-can-eat for two dollars.
98
00:04:35,667 --> 00:04:36,850
Oh, whoa, whoa,
wait a second here.
99
00:04:36,851 --> 00:04:39,287
What makes you think my
customers want your rotten fish?
100
00:04:39,288 --> 00:04:41,005
W-W-W-Wait, Sammy, wa-wa-wait now.
101
00:04:41,006 --> 00:04:44,158
Uh... let's just say, Mr. Hill,
102
00:04:44,192 --> 00:04:46,126
that this, this
fish has spoiled.
103
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,396
Uh, what would happen to us?
104
00:04:48,430 --> 00:04:51,232
Oh, you could suffer
a variety of symptoms
105
00:04:51,266 --> 00:04:54,402
ranging from nausea to death.
106
00:04:54,436 --> 00:04:57,104
Two bucks, you say?
107
00:04:59,658 --> 00:05:01,892
Fair enough.
108
00:05:04,697 --> 00:05:09,484
Oh, good, my package from
Amityville has arrived.
109
00:05:09,535 --> 00:05:11,285
Ah, Miss Tortelli.
110
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:12,954
Tell me, is that a new hairdo
111
00:05:12,988 --> 00:05:16,223
or did someone toss a toaster
in your bathtub?
112
00:05:17,593 --> 00:05:19,093
What am I saying?
113
00:05:19,127 --> 00:05:21,963
What would you be doing
in a bathtub?
114
00:05:22,047 --> 00:05:26,334
Cleaning you out of the drain.
115
00:05:26,336 --> 00:05:28,902
Yeasty oil slick.
116
00:05:28,971 --> 00:05:30,138
Bladder polyp.
117
00:05:30,139 --> 00:05:31,205
Manwich.
118
00:05:31,206 --> 00:05:32,673
Perverted goat boy.
119
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:35,109
Sluttish mole.
120
00:05:35,144 --> 00:05:36,910
7:00 tonight?
121
00:05:36,945 --> 00:05:37,995
Make it 6:30.
122
00:05:39,982 --> 00:05:44,385
That man is the foulest, most
disgusting, hideous creature
123
00:05:44,419 --> 00:05:47,088
to ever walk the
face of this earth,
124
00:05:47,122 --> 00:05:49,223
and he's all mine.
125
00:05:55,748 --> 00:05:58,482
Well, I'm gonna head
up to Melville's,
126
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:01,034
see if they've got another
fish fry going today.
127
00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,803
Hey, actually, Norm,
128
00:06:02,838 --> 00:06:04,554
you ought to be
careful, you know.
129
00:06:04,555 --> 00:06:06,206
I think you were
just lucky yesterday
130
00:06:06,207 --> 00:06:07,808
that you didn't get really sick.
131
00:06:07,809 --> 00:06:10,410
Who said I didn't get sick?
132
00:06:14,349 --> 00:06:16,184
Well, all right, everybody.
133
00:06:16,218 --> 00:06:17,652
Drop what you're doing,
134
00:06:17,686 --> 00:06:19,086
stop the presses.
135
00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:20,071
Nobody's going to be making fun
136
00:06:20,072 --> 00:06:22,073
of Cliff Clavin anymore.
137
00:06:22,107 --> 00:06:23,907
That's for sure.
138
00:06:23,942 --> 00:06:28,045
Look, what I found in the
trash of Mr. A. Hitler.
139
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,880
Behold, exhibit "A."
140
00:06:29,914 --> 00:06:31,615
What's this, a check stub here?
141
00:06:31,649 --> 00:06:33,484
It's a Social
Security check stub,
142
00:06:33,585 --> 00:06:35,369
and it sickens me.
143
00:06:35,370 --> 00:06:37,088
To think that we Americans
worked our fingers
144
00:06:37,089 --> 00:06:38,205
to the bone
145
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:42,142
so Mr. Hitler could
have creamed corn.
146
00:06:44,046 --> 00:06:45,762
A cereal box?
147
00:06:45,797 --> 00:06:47,831
That's right, Paul,
it's a cereal box.
148
00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:49,400
I guess we can determine that...
149
00:06:49,402 --> 00:06:52,303
Trix are for kids
and for der Führer.
150
00:06:53,388 --> 00:06:55,222
Cliff, what is that thing?
151
00:06:55,223 --> 00:06:57,341
This is the most sophisticated
and high-tech listening device
152
00:06:57,342 --> 00:06:58,342
that money can buy.
153
00:06:58,343 --> 00:06:59,476
Gentlemen,
154
00:06:59,478 --> 00:07:02,730
say hello to Mr. Ear.
155
00:07:02,815 --> 00:07:04,699
Mr. Ear.
156
00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:06,100
That's right, you see,
if I'm going to stop
157
00:07:06,101 --> 00:07:07,335
the Fourth Reich from happening,
158
00:07:07,336 --> 00:07:09,570
I have to know every move
that Hitler makes.
159
00:07:09,655 --> 00:07:10,905
With this baby,
160
00:07:10,989 --> 00:07:13,740
I can hear a pin drop
at 500 feet away.
161
00:07:13,792 --> 00:07:15,893
See those two chicks up there?
162
00:07:15,961 --> 00:07:18,546
I'll tell you exactly what
they're talking about.
163
00:07:18,547 --> 00:07:23,117
They're talking about some
stupid-looking yutz holding a...
164
00:07:23,118 --> 00:07:24,485
never mind.
165
00:07:26,421 --> 00:07:28,138
All right.
166
00:07:28,140 --> 00:07:30,808
Look, wish me luck, everybody.
167
00:07:30,809 --> 00:07:33,210
If I'm not back in two hours,
call the Defence Department.
168
00:07:33,211 --> 00:07:36,813
Tell them Hitler's alive and
living in my apartment building.
169
00:07:36,848 --> 00:07:40,417
They know the address.
170
00:07:40,435 --> 00:07:43,855
You know, Cliff's pulled
some pretty crazy stunts
171
00:07:43,889 --> 00:07:45,689
through the years, but...
172
00:07:45,690 --> 00:07:47,558
this is really starting
to get me worried.
173
00:07:47,559 --> 00:07:50,194
Yeah, maybe Cliff is really
going over the edge here.
174
00:07:50,195 --> 00:07:51,262
Gentlemen,
175
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:52,897
if I may be the voice of reason,
176
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:54,165
what if it is Hitler?
177
00:07:56,168 --> 00:07:57,951
Woody,
178
00:07:58,036 --> 00:07:59,620
I heard every word you said.
179
00:07:59,705 --> 00:08:01,455
Thanks for being
in my corner, pal.
180
00:08:04,626 --> 00:08:06,927
I knew he was listening.
181
00:08:06,962 --> 00:08:09,663
Now, when he snaps,
maybe he'll spare me.
182
00:08:12,017 --> 00:08:13,767
Well, bad news, boys.
183
00:08:13,801 --> 00:08:15,669
No fish fry at Melville's.
184
00:08:15,670 --> 00:08:17,338
Apparently,
John Hill had a heart attack.
185
00:08:17,339 --> 00:08:18,405
Oh, really?
186
00:08:18,407 --> 00:08:20,224
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
187
00:08:20,258 --> 00:08:21,308
Relax, Rebecca,
188
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,210
there'll be other fish fries.
189
00:08:23,244 --> 00:08:25,078
It's okay.
190
00:08:25,079 --> 00:08:26,063
Let's look at the
long view here.
191
00:08:26,064 --> 00:08:27,731
I was talking about John Hill.
192
00:08:27,732 --> 00:08:29,000
What hospital
is he in? Arlington.
193
00:08:29,001 --> 00:08:30,401
Should we visit him
at the hospital?
194
00:08:30,402 --> 00:08:32,103
Who wants to go?
195
00:08:32,104 --> 00:08:35,589
Come on, you guys,
he's our neighbour.
196
00:08:35,590 --> 00:08:37,742
We know him, we should see him
in the hospital.
197
00:08:37,743 --> 00:08:39,961
Rebecca, it's not like he's
our best friend or anything.
198
00:08:39,962 --> 00:08:41,178
Norm, that's not the point.
199
00:08:41,179 --> 00:08:43,647
The point is, you have to
pretend to be nice to people.
200
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,458
That's what makes you
a good person.
201
00:08:48,136 --> 00:08:50,838
Hello, yes, I want
to inquire about the status
202
00:08:50,872 --> 00:08:53,840
of one of your patients-
Mr. John Allen Hill.
203
00:08:53,841 --> 00:08:54,959
Oh, thank you.
204
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,110
That's great news.
205
00:08:56,178 --> 00:08:58,278
Oh, thanks very much.
206
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,347
Whoa, thank God.
207
00:09:00,382 --> 00:09:03,633
Dead, Sam?
208
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:04,718
No, he's not dead.
209
00:09:04,735 --> 00:09:06,636
He's in stable condition.
210
00:09:06,637 --> 00:09:08,540
That's a terrible
thing to say, Woody.
211
00:09:08,541 --> 00:09:10,831
You're always acting
like you don't like him.
212
00:09:10,832 --> 00:09:12,576
That doesn't mean I
wish he were dead.
213
00:09:12,577 --> 00:09:13,611
Well, what about yesterday
214
00:09:13,612 --> 00:09:15,379
when you said
"I wish he was dead"?
215
00:09:16,415 --> 00:09:18,282
Hi, everybody.
216
00:09:18,284 --> 00:09:20,067
Carla, what are you doing here?
217
00:09:21,086 --> 00:09:23,954
Living my lifelong dream,
218
00:09:23,988 --> 00:09:25,956
fulfilling all my fantasies.
219
00:09:25,990 --> 00:09:27,591
I'm a cocktail waitress.
220
00:09:27,625 --> 00:09:29,426
What do you think
I'm doing here?!
221
00:09:29,427 --> 00:09:32,412
Sam, she doesn't know
about Hill yet.
222
00:09:32,413 --> 00:09:34,882
What are we going to do?
This is going to crush her.
223
00:09:34,883 --> 00:09:37,684
Oh, all right, I'll,
uh, I'll tell her.
224
00:09:37,685 --> 00:09:39,786
Sam, news of this gravity
should be delivered
225
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:43,023
by someone who has
studied the human psyche
226
00:09:43,024 --> 00:09:44,976
in great detail-
someone who has tact,
227
00:09:44,977 --> 00:09:49,363
compassion, and an understanding
of the human heart.
228
00:09:49,398 --> 00:09:51,098
Okay, Dr. Crane, I'll do it,
229
00:09:51,099 --> 00:09:52,733
but you've got to
deliver this martini.
230
00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:55,469
Carla!
231
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:56,503
Woody.
232
00:09:56,504 --> 00:09:57,488
What?
233
00:09:57,489 --> 00:09:59,323
I was referring to myself.
234
00:09:59,374 --> 00:10:02,643
Oh, right.
235
00:10:02,677 --> 00:10:05,145
Calling Dr. Von Ego.
236
00:10:07,082 --> 00:10:08,916
Carla, may I have
a word with you?
237
00:10:08,950 --> 00:10:11,251
Sure. Please, sit down.
238
00:10:14,122 --> 00:10:17,257
What I'm about to tell you may
be a little difficult to hear.
239
00:10:17,309 --> 00:10:19,076
Oh, my God.
240
00:10:19,144 --> 00:10:21,895
And before I tell you what
it is, I just want you to know
241
00:10:21,897 --> 00:10:24,247
that we are all your friends
and we support you.
242
00:10:25,484 --> 00:10:27,200
What is it?
243
00:10:27,269 --> 00:10:31,504
Carla, John Hill has
had a heart attack.
244
00:10:31,573 --> 00:10:34,191
Oh, my God.
245
00:10:34,226 --> 00:10:35,625
Hill had a heart attack?
246
00:10:36,995 --> 00:10:39,179
John Allen Hill
had a heart attack?
247
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,548
That's what you were trying to tell me?
248
00:10:41,549 --> 00:10:42,783
From the way you were acting,
249
00:10:42,784 --> 00:10:45,485
I thought something
happened to my car.
250
00:10:49,875 --> 00:10:52,626
Carla, you knew?
251
00:10:52,711 --> 00:10:53,761
Of course I knew.
252
00:10:53,762 --> 00:10:55,129
I'm the one
who called the ambulance.
253
00:10:55,130 --> 00:10:56,796
Oh, well, then you were there.
254
00:10:56,831 --> 00:10:58,398
W-W-What, what happened?
255
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,052
Well, Hill and I were in
the middle of doing it.
256
00:11:03,972 --> 00:11:05,055
Next thing I know,
257
00:11:05,056 --> 00:11:07,107
he's clutching his chest
and turning blue.
258
00:11:07,108 --> 00:11:09,743
I took it as a compliment
till he fell to the floor.
259
00:11:11,813 --> 00:11:15,182
So, uh, why didn't you go
with him to the hospital?
260
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,350
I hate hospitals.
261
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,586
I'll send him a card later
if I think of it.
262
00:11:18,587 --> 00:11:19,770
Now, just a minute,
Carla, listen.
263
00:11:19,771 --> 00:11:21,439
You've been seeing this man
for over a year now.
264
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,407
Don't you have
any feelings for him?
265
00:11:23,458 --> 00:11:26,794
Listen, Doc, I've had
guys run out on me.
266
00:11:26,828 --> 00:11:28,228
I had a husband die on me.
267
00:11:28,262 --> 00:11:30,197
I got eight kids at
home to worry about.
268
00:11:30,198 --> 00:11:32,499
I don't need to go getting
attached to some other guy
269
00:11:32,500 --> 00:11:35,202
just because we sweat up
the sheets now and then.
270
00:11:38,723 --> 00:11:41,391
I couldn't care less about Hill.
271
00:11:41,426 --> 00:11:44,160
You feel so strongly about
him, you go visit him.
272
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:47,297
You ready to order?
273
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:50,042
Uh, yes, we'd like a gin and
tonic with a lime, please,
274
00:11:50,067 --> 00:11:51,868
a Diet Coke, a Manhattan up,
275
00:11:51,902 --> 00:11:54,838
and we'll also need some
fresh pretzels and, and...
276
00:11:54,872 --> 00:11:57,162
I-Is there something wrong, Miss?
277
00:11:58,443 --> 00:12:01,562
My boyfriend's in the hospital.
278
00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:19,347
I'm so ashamed.
279
00:12:19,349 --> 00:12:21,432
I called Hill my boyfriend.
280
00:12:21,466 --> 00:12:23,317
What's wrong with me?
281
00:12:23,351 --> 00:12:24,986
Carla,
282
00:12:24,988 --> 00:12:26,771
you've come down with a bad case
283
00:12:26,805 --> 00:12:28,939
of humanity.
284
00:12:30,726 --> 00:12:32,360
A malady characterized
285
00:12:32,394 --> 00:12:34,862
by bouts of compassion,
warmth and caring.
286
00:12:34,863 --> 00:12:37,065
I mean, who knows, this sort
of thing could go on
287
00:12:37,066 --> 00:12:38,433
for the rest of your life.
288
00:12:38,435 --> 00:12:40,068
Shut up, fathead!
289
00:12:41,203 --> 00:12:44,939
Or it could pass
in a matter of seconds.
290
00:12:44,957 --> 00:12:46,707
Everybody, just leave me alone.
291
00:12:46,742 --> 00:12:49,543
You're making this
into something it's not.
292
00:12:49,545 --> 00:12:53,347
Carla, you cannot hold something
like this inside of you.
293
00:12:53,382 --> 00:12:55,165
Yeah, Carla,
294
00:12:55,167 --> 00:12:58,519
I never shared how I feel
and now I'm old and all alone.
295
00:12:58,554 --> 00:13:00,254
If there's one thing
I learned...
296
00:13:00,339 --> 00:13:01,389
Hey, Phil, zip it!
297
00:13:02,674 --> 00:13:05,809
Look, first of all,
298
00:13:05,843 --> 00:13:08,812
I don't have any feelings
for that slug.
299
00:13:08,846 --> 00:13:11,448
Second of all,
you never saw me cry.
300
00:13:11,449 --> 00:13:13,117
Third, I'd like to stay and chat
301
00:13:13,118 --> 00:13:14,418
but I've got work to do.
302
00:13:14,452 --> 00:13:16,586
Sam, I want to talk
to you in the office.
303
00:13:19,408 --> 00:13:21,175
Oh, I don't, I don't
want to hear
304
00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:22,893
about her relationship
with John Hill.
305
00:13:22,894 --> 00:13:25,163
I don't understand what they do
when they get together anyway,
306
00:13:25,164 --> 00:13:26,564
and I don't want to.
307
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:29,033
I wish there was some way
I could get out of this.
308
00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:31,237
Well, why don't you
just wish she was dead?
309
00:13:40,179 --> 00:13:42,146
Hey.
310
00:13:42,181 --> 00:13:43,481
How ya doin', huh?
311
00:13:43,515 --> 00:13:45,149
Oh, Sam.
312
00:13:45,150 --> 00:13:47,351
Hill's in the hospital
and it's all my fault.
313
00:13:47,352 --> 00:13:50,020
Naw, see, now you can't
blame yourself for that.
314
00:13:50,055 --> 00:13:51,906
Oh, but it's true.
315
00:13:51,940 --> 00:13:53,908
You see,
316
00:13:53,942 --> 00:13:56,911
last night started out
as just an average date.
317
00:13:56,945 --> 00:13:59,914
Hill and I getting it
on hot and heavy.
318
00:13:59,948 --> 00:14:02,416
I'm cursing at him,
he's cursing at me...
319
00:14:02,451 --> 00:14:04,284
some real beauties.
320
00:14:04,319 --> 00:14:06,654
The headboard was
begging for mercy.
321
00:14:06,738 --> 00:14:09,290
Do me a favour
and just cut the chase.
322
00:14:09,324 --> 00:14:12,460
Unless there was a chase
and-oh, God, no.
323
00:14:12,494 --> 00:14:14,428
Uh...
324
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,032
I'm a little... Okay. Okay.
325
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:21,035
Just before he keeled over,
326
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:23,204
I went over the line.
327
00:14:23,238 --> 00:14:25,973
I said something so awful, I...
328
00:14:26,008 --> 00:14:28,042
I can't even repeat it.
329
00:14:29,094 --> 00:14:31,062
Oh, honey.
330
00:14:31,096 --> 00:14:32,897
Well, what'd you say?
331
00:14:38,804 --> 00:14:40,621
I'm sorry, what?
332
00:14:43,742 --> 00:14:45,743
I told him I loved him.
333
00:14:45,777 --> 00:14:47,411
And that's...
334
00:14:47,446 --> 00:14:49,247
and that's bad,
right? Of course.
335
00:14:49,281 --> 00:14:51,582
Uh-huh.
336
00:14:51,584 --> 00:14:53,751
Of course that's bad!
337
00:14:53,785 --> 00:14:54,919
Mm.
338
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,454
Sam, you don't get this, do you?
339
00:14:56,455 --> 00:14:58,389
Look,
340
00:14:58,423 --> 00:15:01,325
Hill and I have a very
simple relationship.
341
00:15:01,343 --> 00:15:03,661
I don't like him,
he doesn't like me,
342
00:15:03,695 --> 00:15:05,229
we get it on.
343
00:15:05,231 --> 00:15:08,182
Now, if we start saying
we like each other,
344
00:15:08,217 --> 00:15:10,184
we're gonna screw up
what we had.
345
00:15:10,219 --> 00:15:11,686
And then I'm gonna lose him
346
00:15:11,687 --> 00:15:14,188
and I don't want to lose him,
'cause I care for him.
347
00:15:14,189 --> 00:15:16,156
What is with me?!
348
00:15:16,191 --> 00:15:18,626
I'm, I'm getting lost here.
349
00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,094
Do-do you like this guy or not?
350
00:15:20,095 --> 00:15:21,229
Of course I do.
351
00:15:21,263 --> 00:15:22,313
But I can't tell him.
352
00:15:22,331 --> 00:15:23,531
Why not?
353
00:15:23,532 --> 00:15:24,631
Because if I tell him,
354
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:26,500
then he won't have
anything to do with me.
355
00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:27,801
Just like if he told me,
356
00:15:27,835 --> 00:15:29,825
I wouldn't have anything
to do with him.
357
00:15:29,837 --> 00:15:32,639
Oh, all right, all right,
all right, I see.
358
00:15:32,673 --> 00:15:34,641
So-so you're saying...
359
00:15:34,675 --> 00:15:35,876
shoot!
360
00:15:35,911 --> 00:15:37,844
I almost had it.
361
00:15:44,085 --> 00:15:47,021
I guess there's only
one thing I can do.
362
00:15:47,022 --> 00:15:48,522
I've gotta go to the hospital
363
00:15:48,523 --> 00:15:50,124
and straighten
things out. Yes! Yes!
364
00:15:50,125 --> 00:15:51,792
That's it! You've gotta
go to the hospital,
365
00:15:51,793 --> 00:15:53,827
and no matter how much
it costs you...
366
00:15:53,861 --> 00:15:56,211
you've gotta tell the guy
that you care for him.
367
00:15:56,231 --> 00:15:57,648
No, Sam.
368
00:15:57,682 --> 00:15:59,349
I have to go and tell him
369
00:15:59,384 --> 00:16:01,318
that I don't care
for him. Right!
370
00:16:01,319 --> 00:16:02,669
Right! I was gonna
say that next.
371
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,038
You gotta go and tell him
372
00:16:04,106 --> 00:16:05,906
that you don't care for him.
373
00:16:05,941 --> 00:16:07,874
Right. Okay.
374
00:16:11,947 --> 00:16:13,747
All right.
375
00:16:15,584 --> 00:16:18,469
Who wants to know
what Hitler watches on TV?
376
00:16:20,137 --> 00:16:23,206
Cliff, I'm not gonna
play this stupid game anymore.
377
00:16:23,207 --> 00:16:25,343
Hitler does not live in
your apartment building.
378
00:16:25,344 --> 00:16:27,928
All right, from 1500 hours
to 1530 hours,
379
00:16:27,962 --> 00:16:29,563
he watched The Flintstones.
380
00:16:29,564 --> 00:16:30,816
Instead of Gilligan's Island?
381
00:16:30,817 --> 00:16:32,583
Well, he is a mad man.
382
00:16:33,969 --> 00:16:37,438
From 1530 hours to 1600
he watched People's Court.
383
00:16:37,472 --> 00:16:40,274
How ironic.
384
00:16:40,309 --> 00:16:41,708
At 1630 hours,
385
00:16:41,743 --> 00:16:44,911
he clapped off the TV
and went to bed.
386
00:16:44,947 --> 00:16:46,997
Oh, my God, Norm!
387
00:16:46,998 --> 00:16:48,081
It's him. Hide me.
388
00:16:48,082 --> 00:16:49,633
This is the guy
you thought was Hitler?
389
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:50,768
No, no, worse!
390
00:16:50,769 --> 00:16:52,370
It's my landlord, Mr. Cranston.
391
00:16:52,371 --> 00:16:54,205
Clavin, don't you try
to hide from me!
392
00:16:54,206 --> 00:16:56,757
I'm here to inform you
393
00:16:56,791 --> 00:16:58,759
we held a tenants
meeting last night.
394
00:16:58,793 --> 00:17:00,528
Uh, I wasn't invited.
395
00:17:00,579 --> 00:17:02,963
We never invite you
when it's about you.
396
00:17:02,998 --> 00:17:04,631
Was Hitler there?
397
00:17:04,665 --> 00:17:05,932
Yes, Hitler was there...
398
00:17:05,968 --> 00:17:08,051
or Mr. O'Leary
399
00:17:08,085 --> 00:17:10,186
as he's known to us
on Planet Earth.
400
00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:13,390
Yeah, what was the
meeting about?
401
00:17:13,391 --> 00:17:15,142
Well, I intended
to have you evicted.
402
00:17:15,143 --> 00:17:17,477
You've done some strange things
in your time, Clavin,
403
00:17:17,478 --> 00:17:18,946
but this is the worst!
404
00:17:18,980 --> 00:17:20,781
You're harassing an old man!
405
00:17:20,816 --> 00:17:22,783
Who may well be the most hated
406
00:17:22,784 --> 00:17:24,318
and feared figure of the
Twentieth Century.
407
00:17:24,319 --> 00:17:26,787
Well, at least he's not
one of those noisy teens.
408
00:17:26,822 --> 00:17:28,555
Well, that's true.
409
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,191
As I was saying,
410
00:17:30,275 --> 00:17:31,492
I was gonna boot you out,
411
00:17:31,493 --> 00:17:34,111
but your mother made a stirring
speech in your defence.
412
00:17:34,112 --> 00:17:36,914
By the time she finished reading
that passage from the Bible,
413
00:17:36,915 --> 00:17:38,916
we were all in tears.
414
00:17:38,950 --> 00:17:41,085
Even Hitler?
415
00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:42,419
Even Hitler.
416
00:17:42,453 --> 00:17:45,256
Oh, Mr. O'Leary.
417
00:17:45,258 --> 00:17:47,424
Now I will allow you to stay,
418
00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:48,759
if you apologize to him
419
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,795
and promise not to pursue
this matter any further.
420
00:17:50,796 --> 00:17:52,196
Now do I have your word?
421
00:17:52,214 --> 00:17:53,931
Yeah, okay. I promise.
422
00:17:53,932 --> 00:17:55,633
So just don't boot us
out, all right?
423
00:17:55,634 --> 00:17:56,733
Agreed.
424
00:17:56,767 --> 00:17:57,901
Well, thank you.
425
00:17:57,935 --> 00:17:59,069
You know, I-I know
426
00:17:59,070 --> 00:18:00,337
I get out of hand occasionally.
427
00:18:00,338 --> 00:18:01,505
I've got all this
pent-up energy,
428
00:18:01,506 --> 00:18:02,672
a lot of time on my hands.
429
00:18:02,673 --> 00:18:04,308
You know, uh, I'm Civil Service.
430
00:18:04,342 --> 00:18:05,642
Well, that explains it.
431
00:18:05,643 --> 00:18:08,029
I will let you off with a
warning this time, Clavin.
432
00:18:08,030 --> 00:18:09,815
Does this mean I can go back
in the laundry room?
433
00:18:09,816 --> 00:18:12,633
No. That's a whole
separate thing.
434
00:18:14,736 --> 00:18:16,704
Hmm.
435
00:18:16,738 --> 00:18:19,707
Well, Cliff, you've
tormented an elderly man,
436
00:18:19,741 --> 00:18:22,391
you got everyone in your
apartment building angry,
437
00:18:22,410 --> 00:18:24,378
and you almost lost your home.
438
00:18:24,412 --> 00:18:27,615
Now, are you clear
on what this means?
439
00:18:27,632 --> 00:18:29,550
Sure.
440
00:18:29,584 --> 00:18:31,952
Hitler brainwashed my landlord.
441
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:45,766
Hill!
442
00:18:46,685 --> 00:18:48,919
Miss Tortelli!
443
00:18:48,987 --> 00:18:50,337
These are for you.
444
00:18:50,372 --> 00:18:52,172
Oh, what a thoughtful purchase.
445
00:18:52,206 --> 00:18:53,674
I didn't buy 'em.
446
00:18:53,708 --> 00:18:56,209
I got 'em out of a
room down the hall.
447
00:18:56,210 --> 00:18:58,279
The guy won't be needing
'em where he's going.
448
00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:00,080
Has he been discharged?
449
00:19:00,115 --> 00:19:01,248
You might say.
450
00:19:01,249 --> 00:19:04,418
If you ever need a
pair of slippers,
451
00:19:04,419 --> 00:19:05,886
size 11, let me know.
452
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,388
Oh, thank you.
453
00:19:07,456 --> 00:19:09,256
Frankly, Miss Tortelli,
454
00:19:09,291 --> 00:19:10,924
I don't know why you're here.
455
00:19:10,958 --> 00:19:12,426
My doctor informs me
456
00:19:12,427 --> 00:19:14,762
I have to remain celibate
for the next eight weeks.
457
00:19:14,763 --> 00:19:16,847
Hey, don't insult me, Hill!
458
00:19:16,881 --> 00:19:19,349
You think that sex is
all I have on my mind?
459
00:19:19,383 --> 00:19:21,585
There are other facets
to my personality.
460
00:19:23,105 --> 00:19:24,321
Eight weeks?
461
00:19:26,308 --> 00:19:28,309
Well, anyway, look,
462
00:19:28,343 --> 00:19:31,712
I just came here because
I wanted to apologize.
463
00:19:31,780 --> 00:19:34,698
Last night, before
this happened,
464
00:19:34,732 --> 00:19:38,001
I said this thing to you,
465
00:19:38,069 --> 00:19:39,803
and, um,
466
00:19:39,821 --> 00:19:41,739
I just wanted you to know that
467
00:19:41,773 --> 00:19:44,641
this thing I said-eight weeks?!
468
00:19:45,710 --> 00:19:48,044
Please continue, Miss Tortelli.
469
00:19:48,997 --> 00:19:52,016
Anyway, about this thing
that I said,
470
00:19:52,050 --> 00:19:54,384
I just wanted you to know
that I didn't mean it.
471
00:19:54,469 --> 00:19:56,603
Hill,
472
00:19:56,638 --> 00:19:59,756
do you remember what thing it is
I'm talking about?
473
00:19:59,808 --> 00:20:02,643
I must confess it rings
a faint bell...
474
00:20:02,677 --> 00:20:04,978
that thing.
475
00:20:04,979 --> 00:20:06,880
Well, I just wanted
to say I'm sorry,
476
00:20:06,881 --> 00:20:10,183
because I think it's
probably what caused your heart attack.
477
00:20:10,268 --> 00:20:12,153
It was quite a shock.
478
00:20:12,154 --> 00:20:14,489
I don't think anyone's
ever said it to me before.
479
00:20:14,490 --> 00:20:15,989
No one?
480
00:20:16,023 --> 00:20:17,324
Not even your daughter?
481
00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:19,226
Well, it never really came up.
482
00:20:23,047 --> 00:20:25,149
You had a wife.
483
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,084
Well, she and I...
484
00:20:27,118 --> 00:20:29,286
had an understanding.
485
00:20:30,172 --> 00:20:32,606
Your parents?
486
00:20:32,624 --> 00:20:35,726
The point is, Miss Tortelli,
487
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,996
I'm not exactly a cuddle bear.
488
00:20:39,097 --> 00:20:41,849
Yeah, well, neither am I.
489
00:20:41,933 --> 00:20:43,233
See you around.
490
00:20:43,268 --> 00:20:45,402
Uh, uh, one moment,
Miss Tortelli.
491
00:20:45,436 --> 00:20:47,437
Yeah.
492
00:20:47,472 --> 00:20:51,074
Perhaps the diuretic is making
me sentimental, but, uh...
493
00:20:53,061 --> 00:20:55,029
what do you suppose would happen
494
00:20:55,030 --> 00:20:56,897
if we were foolhardy
enough to attempt
495
00:20:56,898 --> 00:20:59,366
to take our relationship
to the next plateau?
496
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,936
Hypothetically, of course.
497
00:21:01,987 --> 00:21:04,872
Yeah, well,
498
00:21:04,906 --> 00:21:06,840
I have thought
about that a little bit.
499
00:21:06,908 --> 00:21:10,210
I'm not proud of it,
but I've thought of it.
500
00:21:10,295 --> 00:21:12,345
After all, we have
eight celibate weeks
501
00:21:12,363 --> 00:21:14,431
in which to get to know
each other better.
502
00:21:15,417 --> 00:21:17,350
Okay, I'm game.
503
00:21:20,922 --> 00:21:22,656
Uh, so, uh,
504
00:21:22,690 --> 00:21:24,758
Miss Tortelli.
505
00:21:24,843 --> 00:21:26,093
Carla.
506
00:21:26,095 --> 00:21:28,378
Oh, Carla!
507
00:21:30,765 --> 00:21:33,000
Carla-that's a pretty name.
508
00:21:33,068 --> 00:21:34,384
Thank you.
509
00:21:36,438 --> 00:21:38,439
So, uh,
510
00:21:38,473 --> 00:21:40,674
you, uh, you have any children?
511
00:21:44,246 --> 00:21:46,429
No.
512
00:21:49,117 --> 00:21:52,086
So, uh, what's it like
running a restaurant?
513
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:53,787
Well, you know, a lot of work,
514
00:21:53,822 --> 00:21:55,455
but, uh, very rewarding.
515
00:21:55,490 --> 00:21:56,624
Oh, that's good.
516
00:21:56,658 --> 00:21:58,558
I mean that is rewarding.
517
00:21:58,593 --> 00:22:01,545
Because there are a lot of jobs
that aren't rewarding,
518
00:22:01,579 --> 00:22:03,680
and it's good
that you found a job
519
00:22:03,715 --> 00:22:05,882
that is rewarding.
520
00:22:05,934 --> 00:22:08,268
Carla, could you please
do me a small favour?
521
00:22:08,270 --> 00:22:09,703
Yes, John.
522
00:22:09,704 --> 00:22:11,689
Could you work yourself
behind this machinery
523
00:22:11,690 --> 00:22:13,623
and unplug my life-support
system
524
00:22:13,625 --> 00:22:15,325
so that I can leave this life
525
00:22:15,393 --> 00:22:18,162
and this agonizing
conversation behind?
526
00:22:18,164 --> 00:22:20,748
Oh, like it was fun
for me, zit face!
527
00:22:20,782 --> 00:22:22,082
Sasquatch.
528
00:22:22,117 --> 00:22:23,250
Road kill.
529
00:22:23,284 --> 00:22:25,085
Catcher's mitt. Pond scum.
530
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,186
Phlegm face.
531
00:22:26,187 --> 00:22:27,387
See you in eight weeks?
532
00:22:27,388 --> 00:22:29,023
Make it four. Make it two.
533
00:22:29,074 --> 00:22:31,725
Pull the curtain.
37026
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