All language subtitles for Cheers.S09E23.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-HQC

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Good morning.

Morning.

What's with the vegetables?

Same as always--

they're watching TV.

Sam, I have changed my diet.

I'm finally eating right
for the first time in 30 years.

30? What were you
doing the other 12?

And I feel so good
that I thought

we can all work on our diets.

So I'm making up
this little vegetable plate.

And I figure if those guys
are gonna sit around and eat,

they might as well
eat something healthy.

I don't think
they're gonna like this.

Oh, they'll never even notice.

What the hell is this?!

What's wrong?

This thing I found
in the pretzel bowl.

Oh, my God,
what are these?

They appear to be orange
and green sticks.

CLIFF:
I know what they are.
You know, when you

go in a restaurant

and you order a nice,
big, thick, juicy steak

and they put this other
stuff on the plate
that you shove aside?

Oh, you mean vegetables?

They can't
be vegetables.

There's no batter.

You guys,

you're not even
giving me a chance.

Now, you sit around

and you stuff your faces
all day long,

so why don't you stuff them

with something
that's good for you?

Go ahead. Try it.

Yeah, it's not bad.

Yeah. No, try
the cauliflower.

It acts like a ladle.

(theme song begins)

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ Takes everything you've got ¶

¶ Taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ Sure would help a lot

¶ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ¶

¶ Sometimes you want to go

¶ Where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ And they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ You wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ Our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ¶

¶ You wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ People are all the same

¶ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ¶

Whoa! Sammy.

I see her.

How do you do that?

I could tell you, but then
I'd have to kill you, Norm.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Uh...

Come over here for
a second, will you?

I want to pour you
a glass of champagne.

Interesting thing
about this bottle:

it was presented to me

for being the hottest
single guy in Boston,

but, you know, until you
walked through that door,

I have never found anyone
I wanted to share it with.

I don't drink champagne.

Thanks.

Whoo! What just
happened here, guys?

Well, you got
shot down, Sam.

Uh, you know, you read

about those kind of things

but you never think
they're gonna happen to you.

NORM:
Well, you know,

maybe she's
seeing someone else.

I don't see
how that's relevant.

You know, Sammy, maybe
she's one of these women

who, uh, coaches basketball
and does her own carpentry,

if you know what I mean.

Let's go with that,
shall we, gentlemen?

Afternoon, all.

Hey, how's it going, Dr. Crane?

Oh, the usual. The crying,
the tantrums, the bed-wetting.

Yeah. That's
fatherhood.

No, that's my therapy group.

What a bunch of losers.

And I'm sorry. You know,
I'm just a bit stressed today.

Lilith and I have been looking
for a preschool for Frederick.

Tomorrow we've got an interview
with the administrators

of the Magic Hours
Learning Center.

You know, I
don't get that.

Now, this is your
kid, your money--

why aren't you
interviewing them?

Well, the beauty
of private education, Sam,

is that they're able to weed out
the unacceptable lowlifes.

I just pray I'm not one of them.

Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait
a second here.

Uh, what's the matter
with public school?

I went to public school.

I love you, Cliff.

Don't ever change.

Until I began eating clean,
I never realized how good

a nice, dry rice cake
could taste.

How can you eat
those, Miss Howe?

They don't have
any flavor.
Oh.

If I eat these, I
will live longer.

Well, I have a question.

You know how
you're always talking

about how you hate your life?

How come you want
to make it longer?

Shut up, Woody.

Hello, Frasier.

Darling.

What's wrong?
You look so somber.

How can you tell?

I took a shot and got lucky.

Frasier, I have some bad news.

This morning-- at 9:00--

Whitey passed away.

Oh, Lilith.

Oh.

CRANE:
I'm so sorry.

Just yesterday, he was
so young, so vital.

This morning
I walked into the lab

and found him facedown in
his nest of cedar shavings.

Excuse me?

You see, Whitey

was Lilith's senior,

and most cherished,
lab rat.

Aw, gee!

(grumbling)

No, you don't understand.

Usually we don't get
attached to the rats,

but this one was so special.

We even named him.

Everyone in the lab
called him Whitey.

Are you sure they
weren't talking to you?

No, Carla. They were talking
about Whitey the rat.

Okay, I'll ask again.

Are you sure they
weren't talking to you?

Carla, please!

Lilith is mourning the
loss of a close friend.

What's the big deal?

You go find another rat

to hook up to
your electrodes.

My research never harmed Whitey
in any way.

In fact, he had
everything a rat could want.

If he needed it,
I gave it to him.

That rat was the envy of others.

You know, that's true,
but I got over it.

I miss him so much.

(sobs)

Let it out, darling.

I am.

Ooh... Here she comes.

Ho-ho. I'm psyched this time.
I'm psyched.

Hi. Listen, excuse me
for just a second here.

I, I didn't mean
to, you know, imply

that I was gonna give you
the champagne to get you drunk.

I just wanted to...
get to know you.

You'd have to get
me drunk for that.

Ooh!

First that other girl,
now her twin sister.

I don't know what she's
looking for in life,

but, well, if she
can't find it here,

she's not gonna
find it anywhere.

Paul! You ready?

Yeah, let's go.

Paul?

See you later, guys.

Don't wait up.

You know, this isn't
really happening.

No, no, no, no.

In a few seconds,
I'm gonna wake up

in my own bed covered in sweat.

Okay, here we go.

Ooh, this is gonna
be a long one.

I feel great.

I've been eating clean
for 12 hours now

and I feel like I have
a whole new body.

I have more energy,

and I-I just feel better.

I'm a celebration of life.

Boy, I'll say, Rebecca,

and what goes better
with a celebration

than... Ho-Hos?

Well... Well, Norm,
I-I can't think

of anything except,
maybe... Twinkies.

Gentlemen,
I have one word for you:

Snowballs.

Snowballs!
Snowballs!

Snowballs are better
because they're bite-size.

Good evening, all.

Sam, Glenlivet rocks.

Two.
How you feeling
there, Lilith?

Life goes on, Sam.

Ah, that's the spirit.

Rather than brood and mourn,

Frasier and I have
decided to do something

a little bit more
life-affirming.

We're going to a theater
and a late dinner.

I think Whitey
would approve.

REBECCA:
Lilith, your clinic's

on the phone. I think there's

an emergency
with one of your patients.

You can use
the phone

in my office.
Thank you.

Well, we-we've got
an 8:00 curtain.

Tell them to take two Thorazine
and call you in the morning.

That'll be $7.50,
Dr. Crane.

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, gee, I-I've
only got big bills.

Well, perhaps Lilith
has some change.

Oh, dear God.

What? What is it?

Lilith is carrying
a dead rat in her purse.

Oh.

Why would she be carrying
a dead rat in her purse?

Just a wild guess.

A snack?

This is not healthy at all.

My wife has gone
completely around the bend.

Perhaps I rushed her
through the grieving process

too quickly. Oh...
Oh, the poor woman.

I dare you to look
in the purse.

Ha! Dare me? Dare you.

You know, obviously,
I've got to dispose of Whitey

break this fixation,

then deal with the repercussions
as they occur.

Eww.
Eww.

Yeah, I looked first.

I bet you won't kiss him.

You two are sick!

Oh, yeah. We've got
a big problem.

Obviously, Lilith
is having trouble

breaking this attachment
on her own.

I've got to be the man

and handle this
in a mature fashion.

Eww, eww, eww, eww! Eww!

Is everything all right?

Yes, it was a false alarm.

So nothing was wrong?

No. One of my patients
set off a false alarm,

but he's a pyromaniac, so,
for him, this is progress.

Oh, Lilith, darling. Hello.

I've, I've got your purse.

Uh, you know, we don't have time
for our drinks, really.

Uh, th-the curtain's
in 45 minutes

and you know
how I hate to be late.

Yes. It's one of your
more endearing compulsions.

Uh, by the way, uh...

there's something
we need to discuss.

You did what?!

Darling, I did
what I had to do!

Shut up! Where is he?

(trash cans rattling)

Apparently,
she's still grieving!

Well, 26 hours of eating clean.

And 26 hours
of hearing about it.

Oh, good morning there.
Did you sleep okay?

Not too well, Sam.

You know, I'd have thought
that that couch,

after all the acrobatics
you've done on it, would
have a little more give.

But I appreciate
your hospitality.

Anytime, Fras.

You know, I guess
I ought to freshen up, huh?

This is what it's come to.

Bedding down in a bar,

wearing the same clothes
for two days in a row.

Yeah, well,
the trick, Fras,

is to take your
sport coat off like that.
Yeah?

and stand directly under
the air conditioning duct

for about, uh...
ten minutes.

Take it from me,
if you do that,

you can go another
couple days easy.

Are you saying
that you sometimes go

for days at a time
in the same clothes?

Oh, yeah, you get a look
that works for you,

you stick with it.

(laughing):
Oh, Paul.

Why is she laughing?

Paul's not funny.

(laughing)

Does anyone know what
Paul does for a living?

After all, women are
attracted to power.

Uh, I think he's
a tollbooth attendant.

Yep, well, that would
explain the quarter tips.

I think I know what it is.

Paul's a real nice guy
and a good listener.

He probably shows
a genuine interest

in who she is
as a person.

Probably treats her
with respect.

Well, if that's the case,
he's welcome to her.

Well, is there anything here
I can have for breakfast?

If you'd like something
that's tasty and nutritious,

you could spread
some of this,

uh, bean curd on these
fiber-rich bran crackers.

I won't eat that crap.

Frasier, you're a doctor.

You should believe
in health and nutrition.

Doesn't mean I have to listen

to some tree-hugging,
dirt-munching Druid.

I'm sorry.

I'm not exactly what
you'd call a morning person.

Dr. Crane, your wife called.
I didn't want to wake you.

Oh. She called to apologize?

Well, sort of.

Uh, she said for you to meet her
at Frederick's school.

You have that interview.

Oh, I completely forgot.
Well, she also said

to tell you
she knew you'd forget

because "you're such
an uncaring human being.

"But for once

"in your life,
think of your child,

"comb your few remaining hairs

"and wash that canned ham
you call a face

and get over there."

You know, now that I reread this

it sounds less and less
like an apology.

Say, uh, Sammy, could I have
a couple of coffees

for me and Paula?

Paul and Paula?

Yeah.

Hey, Paul?

What?

No, the song, you know,
"Hey, Paul."

Hey, what?

CLIFF:
No, wait a minute.

You never heard of that old
song, "Hey, hey, Paul?"

Hey, hey, shut up.

No, no, no, come on.

We're talking about
that song from the '60s

by Paul and Paula,
"Hey, hey, Paula."

What?

Nothing. Never mind.

Forget I brought it up.

Hey, this has been
driving me crazy.

I gotta know
something here, Paul.

What, Sam?

Well, I'll try to put this
as delicately as I can,

because you're my friend
and I like you,

and I don't want to insult you,

but why would any girl
be caught dead with you

when she could be with me?

You thought that
would offend me?

I'm serious.

I mean, what'd you do, slip
her a mickey or something?

Well since you asked me so
nicely, Sam, I'll tell you.

Paula is what we like to refer
to as a chubby-chaser.

You're kidding.

You mean, she likes
to go out

with guys who are...
who are, uh...

Portly, Sam.
The word is "portly."

Did you hear that?

She only goes out
with guys who are heavy.

Well, you'd be
surprised, Sam.

Women like the
oddest things.

Take me.

Yeah? What do you like?

Nothing. Just take me.

SAM:
This is driving me crazy.

I've gotta fin...

Excuse me. Listen.

Apparently, you've been,
you know, shooting me down here

for the last couple of days
because of the way I look.

So?

I think it's unfair

that you're not willing
to get to know the real me.

I think if you did, we could be
really good friends.

You want to be friends?

Yeah, I do.
Yeah?

Okay, well, maybe
we could start

by you introducing me
to some of your friends.

Especially that large and
lovely one right over there.

You mean Norm?

Yeah. He's a suitful,
isn't he?

Oh, thank God.

I didn't miss
the interview, did I?

Yes, you did.
I've already had it.

They're outside
conferring about us now.

What did you tell them
about me?

I described you in terms

which were positively
glowing,

which is the way I'd like
to see you in hell.

So just remember

when they come back in
to pretend that
we love each other.

After that, I go right
back to loathing you.

I can't believe that you're
willing to destroy our marriage

all because of
your childish refusal

to accept the death
of an animal.

The very fact that you think
of Whitey as "an animal"

proves that we are
completely incompatible.

But he was an animal!

Well, what-what-what was he?

A... a... a vegetable?
A mineral?

Oh, I know, he was the
CEO of General Motors.

I hate you.

I hate you!

Hello.
Hello.

This is my husband,

Dr. Frasier Crane.

He's very sorry he's late,

but he's always so
busy helping people.

Pleased to meet you.

Won't you sit down?

And we'd like
to thank you

for taking the time
to come down here.

It's good to see parents
that care so much.

You know, a program

like ours requires as much
of the parents as the child.

We couldn't agree more.

Right, dear?

Oh, absolutely, dear.

Unofficially, I think it's
a very good possibility

that we'll be able
to welcome Frederick

to the Magic Hours
Learning Center.

Oh, that's wonderful news.

We couldn't be happier.

But before you leave--

would you like to see
something precious?

Our Sylvia

just had babies.

Well, who's Sylvia?

The school's pet hamster.

Oh.

Oh, look at that little one
in the corner.

He looks just like Whitey.

Who's Whitey?

Oh, he was my favorite
dead rat

that this bastard took
and threw in the trash!

Don't mind her.

She's just overemotional,

and crazy as a loon!

I suppose you'd like
to take one of these

and throw it
in the garbage, too?

Here, why don't you just bite
the heads off these birds

while you're at it,

Dr. Death?

I am not the one
who goes walking around

with the decomposing corpse
of a rat in my purse.

You're a hateful man.

And you are a troubled,
disturbed woman.

But a wonderful mother.

Well, we'll get back to you.

Well, Sam, I've done it.

Blighted my child's hopes

of ever getting an education,

and probably ruined
my marriage as well.

I think my life is over.

Yeah, well, life is tough.

I just got shot down by
a chick who likes fat guys.

Oh, Rebecca, do you have
any more of those rice cakes?

Why?

Well, you were right.

They're the perfect food.

Yeah, what's the gag?

No, I'm telling you,
we've been enjoying
them all day, right?

You bet.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, that's neat.

I'm glad I could make you guys,
you know, feel better.

Yeah, I've got a whole new bag
of them right down here.
Great.

You guys are gonna feel
so much healthier
when you eat like this.

I'm not kidding.
You'll have a lot more energy.

Your bodies will feel lighter.
Your reflexes will be sharper.

Oh, our reflexes are already
much, uh, sharper.

Carla, pull.

Pull.

Frasier.

Frasier, I owe you
an apology.

I haven't been myself
the past couple of days.

No, darling.

I, I trivialized your grief.

A husband should
be supportive.

But, please... help me.

Help me.

Meet me halfway.

Why were you carrying a moribund
rodent in your evening bag?

I wasn't going to take
him on our date.

But I knew if I left
him at the lab,

they'd have given him to
the undergraduates to dissect.

I couldn't let that
happen to Whitey.

I just wanted to give
him a decent burial.

I'm, I'm so sorry.

How could I have been
so insensitive?

Of course, I overreacted.

But I think I know why.

I was confronted

for the first time

with the death of
someone close to me.

I understand, dear.

It's what we call a crisis.

I know what we call it,
Frasier.

The upshot is I've never
been more acutely aware

of how precious and fragile
life is for each of us.

Well, darling, I think
everyone would agree

that existence is
tenuous at best.

Therefore, all we can
do is embrace life.

And you and I,
we're so fortunate.

We, we have a baby,
the very symbol of life reborn.

Frasier, he's no longer a baby.

He'll be going to school
in September.

Oh, yes, if we can successfully
negotiate a preschool interview

without slipping
into a scene

from Who's Afraid
of Virginia Woolf?

But, darling, you're right.

Frederick is getting older.

You know there is a way

we could renew
ourselves yet again.

How would we do that?

We could have another child.

We could, couldn't we?

That's a wonderful idea.

Oh, Frasier, suddenly,
I'm filled with a glow.

Let's start right now.

It's all so strange.

A seemingly insignificant
creature lives and dies...

a marriage is threatened...

a child's education
is almost destroyed...

yet, somehow, someway,

I'm getting some action
out of it.