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1
00:00:01,575 --> 00:00:04,376
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,376 --> 00:00:06,776
Okay, Rebecca, uh,
here's the deal.
3
00:00:06,877 --> 00:00:08,277
I'll paint the whole office,
4
00:00:08,277 --> 00:00:12,078
including woodwork,
and, uh, it'll run you...
5
00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:13,379
400.
6
00:00:15,179 --> 00:00:16,379
400 bucks sounds reasonable.
7
00:00:16,479 --> 00:00:17,779
Oh, no, that's 400 beers.
8
00:00:17,879 --> 00:00:21,181
The "B" with the slanty
line through it....
9
00:00:21,281 --> 00:00:22,881
It's kind of my own
special currency.
10
00:00:25,082 --> 00:00:26,482
It's a deal.
11
00:00:26,482 --> 00:00:28,183
Oh, and, Norm, remember--
12
00:00:28,283 --> 00:00:29,884
this time Sam wants
something really simple.
13
00:00:29,984 --> 00:00:32,584
Oh, yeah. I've got
some, some choices here.
14
00:00:32,684 --> 00:00:35,486
Um, I've got sand white,
15
00:00:35,586 --> 00:00:36,786
uh, ivory white,
16
00:00:36,886 --> 00:00:38,086
off-white,
17
00:00:38,186 --> 00:00:38,886
Navajo white...
18
00:00:39,086 --> 00:00:40,287
They all look just alike.
19
00:00:40,387 --> 00:00:42,587
Well, they're different.
Are you sure?
20
00:00:42,587 --> 00:00:43,788
Well, yeah. Of
course I'm sure.
21
00:00:43,888 --> 00:00:44,888
What do you think?
22
00:00:44,988 --> 00:00:46,689
I'm trying to push
one color on you?
23
00:00:46,689 --> 00:00:47,989
I mean, I resent that, Rebecca.
24
00:00:47,989 --> 00:00:49,089
Oh, I'm sorry.
25
00:00:49,189 --> 00:00:50,589
No, that one's
fine, right there.
26
00:00:50,689 --> 00:00:51,891
Oh, cream white.
Mm-hmm.
27
00:00:51,991 --> 00:00:53,291
Excellent choice.
28
00:00:53,291 --> 00:00:54,291
And, as luck would have it,
29
00:00:54,291 --> 00:00:56,891
I happen to have 42 gallons
of it in my garage.
30
00:01:00,193 --> 00:01:02,093
(theme song begins)
31
00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,494
¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶
32
00:01:06,594 --> 00:01:09,796
¶ Takes everything you've got ¶
33
00:01:09,796 --> 00:01:12,396
¶ Taking a break
from all your worries ¶
34
00:01:12,496 --> 00:01:15,898
¶ Sure would help a lot
35
00:01:15,998 --> 00:01:19,799
¶ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ¶
36
00:01:20,999 --> 00:01:23,700
¶ Sometimes you want to go
37
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:27,501
¶ Where everybody
knows your name ¶
38
00:01:29,101 --> 00:01:33,603
¶ And they're always
glad you came ¶
39
00:01:33,703 --> 00:01:35,503
¶ You wanna be
where you can see ¶
40
00:01:35,603 --> 00:01:38,604
¶ Our troubles
are all the same ¶
41
00:01:38,604 --> 00:01:42,906
¶ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ¶
42
00:01:44,106 --> 00:01:46,106
¶ You wanna go
where people know ¶
43
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,908
¶ People are all the same
44
00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:53,109
¶ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ¶
45
00:02:14,015 --> 00:02:15,016
Well, good morning, Sam.
46
00:02:15,116 --> 00:02:16,916
Yeah? What's good about it?
47
00:02:17,016 --> 00:02:20,417
Well, you have your health,
a good business, and friends
48
00:02:20,518 --> 00:02:22,518
who put up with your
violent mood swings.
49
00:02:24,218 --> 00:02:25,218
Yeah. I'm sorry.
50
00:02:25,318 --> 00:02:26,719
It's just...
I got some bad news.
51
00:02:26,819 --> 00:02:30,020
You guys all remember the
Miss Boston Barmaid contest?
52
00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:31,420
Oh, yeah.
53
00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:32,421
That's the annual contest
54
00:02:32,421 --> 00:02:34,021
where they try to
find the most talented
55
00:02:34,121 --> 00:02:35,622
and efficient
waitress in Boston,
56
00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:37,222
which-- surprise,
surprise--
57
00:02:37,222 --> 00:02:40,223
always turns out to be the babe
with the biggest honeydews.
58
00:02:41,923 --> 00:02:44,725
Right. Well, this year
they're holding it at Cheers.
59
00:02:44,725 --> 00:02:46,125
All right!
All right!
60
00:02:46,225 --> 00:02:47,525
No, no, no, no. No,
It's not what you think.
61
00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:49,526
They changed all
the categories here.
62
00:02:49,526 --> 00:02:52,327
Listen to this-- speed,
efficiency, memorization,
63
00:02:52,327 --> 00:02:54,828
personal warmth, courtesy.
64
00:02:54,928 --> 00:02:57,828
I mean, it's like bra size
doesn't even exist anymore!
65
00:03:00,230 --> 00:03:01,930
Well, Sam, they're just
trying to keep pace
66
00:03:01,930 --> 00:03:03,530
with the current
social enlightenment.
67
00:03:03,630 --> 00:03:05,831
I mean, how would you like
to be judged solely
68
00:03:05,931 --> 00:03:08,332
on the basis of your looks
and your body alone?
69
00:03:08,432 --> 00:03:10,432
I'd love it. I'd win.
70
00:03:11,133 --> 00:03:12,133
The whole contest
71
00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:13,433
has gone to hell.
72
00:03:13,533 --> 00:03:16,134
I mean, believe me, I-I,
I really presented my case
73
00:03:16,134 --> 00:03:17,435
to the contest committee.
74
00:03:17,435 --> 00:03:18,635
See, I made a graph here.
75
00:03:18,735 --> 00:03:21,235
Look at this. Now, these
the bust measurements
76
00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:23,036
of all the winners
77
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:24,837
since 1976,
and almost
78
00:03:24,837 --> 00:03:27,137
to a woman, they're over a 38.
79
00:03:27,137 --> 00:03:29,238
What's this one that
dips way down here?
80
00:03:29,338 --> 00:03:31,639
Uh, that's the year Diane won.
81
00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:37,240
It's no good.
It's just no good at all.
82
00:03:37,340 --> 00:03:39,342
I think I'm gonna
write my councilman.
83
00:03:39,342 --> 00:03:40,942
Oh, what am I talking about?!
84
00:03:41,042 --> 00:03:42,942
My councilman's a babe, too!
85
00:03:43,042 --> 00:03:46,043
God, the whole world's
crowding in on me!
86
00:03:46,043 --> 00:03:48,144
Carla, you gonna try out
for this contest?
87
00:03:48,244 --> 00:03:49,945
I don't think so.
Well, you heard Sam.
88
00:03:50,045 --> 00:03:52,145
It's not about
looks this year.
89
00:03:57,247 --> 00:03:59,347
Thank you, Woody.
You should
90
00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:00,147
do it, Carla.
91
00:04:00,147 --> 00:04:00,948
Look, I know
92
00:04:01,048 --> 00:04:02,048
I'm a good waitress.
93
00:04:02,148 --> 00:04:03,549
I don't need
some obnoxious dork
94
00:04:03,649 --> 00:04:05,449
in a cheap suit
telling me I'm the best.
95
00:04:05,549 --> 00:04:06,450
But you are the best.
96
00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:08,250
I just said I
didn't need that.
97
00:04:10,837 --> 00:04:13,239
Besides, even if I did win,
what would I get?
98
00:04:13,239 --> 00:04:15,339
A lousy ten bucks
and a handshake?
Well,
99
00:04:15,439 --> 00:04:17,540
it says here you get
a brand new Mazda Miata.
100
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,641
Get out of town.
101
00:04:20,641 --> 00:04:22,241
Just for doing my job?
102
00:04:22,341 --> 00:04:23,942
Mm-hmm.
103
00:04:24,042 --> 00:04:26,342
Oh...
104
00:04:26,342 --> 00:04:27,843
I'm gonna get myself this Miata.
105
00:04:27,943 --> 00:04:28,944
All right.
106
00:04:29,044 --> 00:04:29,944
Yeah.
107
00:04:30,044 --> 00:04:32,144
Uh! Uh-oh. Snag.
108
00:04:32,244 --> 00:04:34,845
What about warmth,
personal courtesy?
109
00:04:37,346 --> 00:04:40,047
What about me shoving this
brochure up your nose?
110
00:04:41,547 --> 00:04:42,747
You're a shoo-in.
111
00:04:49,449 --> 00:04:51,851
I couldn't help but notice,
for the last couple of days
112
00:04:51,951 --> 00:04:53,951
you have just been sitting
here doing nothing.
113
00:04:56,251 --> 00:04:57,352
Hi. I'm Norm Peterson.
114
00:04:57,452 --> 00:04:58,652
Obviously, we haven't met.
115
00:04:58,752 --> 00:04:59,953
This really bothers me.
116
00:05:00,053 --> 00:05:01,053
Why?
117
00:05:01,153 --> 00:05:02,654
Because, because you
have a job to do
118
00:05:02,754 --> 00:05:04,154
and instead, you
are just sitting here
119
00:05:04,154 --> 00:05:05,454
talking to Cliff all day long.
120
00:05:05,554 --> 00:05:07,255
I mean, you're
not even trying.
121
00:05:07,355 --> 00:05:09,156
Rebecca, do you get Cheers?
122
00:05:09,156 --> 00:05:11,156
I mean, do you
understand the concept?
123
00:05:14,957 --> 00:05:17,158
I want to see some work
by the end of today.
124
00:05:17,258 --> 00:05:19,859
If you can't get the job done,
I will hire a professional.
125
00:05:19,859 --> 00:05:22,159
Oddly enough, that's what
Vera said on our honeymoon.
126
00:05:26,661 --> 00:05:29,461
So, uh, how're you
gonna get out of this one?
127
00:05:29,561 --> 00:05:30,862
Relax, Cliffy,
128
00:05:30,862 --> 00:05:31,763
I got it covered.
129
00:05:31,863 --> 00:05:33,263
I have a new
industrial paint sprayer.
130
00:05:33,263 --> 00:05:35,063
Gets the job done
in a couple of hours.
131
00:05:35,163 --> 00:05:36,164
Very clever.
132
00:05:36,264 --> 00:05:37,064
Mm-hmm.
133
00:05:37,264 --> 00:05:38,664
It was invented
by the Japanese
134
00:05:38,664 --> 00:05:41,166
so they could paint, you know,
more efficiently and quickly.
135
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:42,966
Whereas you will use it
to drink more beers,
136
00:05:43,066 --> 00:05:44,366
watch more TV,
and put off everything
137
00:05:44,466 --> 00:05:45,466
until the very last minute.
138
00:05:45,566 --> 00:05:47,268
Right. You see,
they're way ahead of us
139
00:05:47,368 --> 00:05:50,268
in technology, but they don't
have our creativity.
140
00:05:53,069 --> 00:05:55,570
Hey, Doc, how do you think
I look for the contest?
141
00:05:55,570 --> 00:05:58,971
Well, my goodness, Carla,
that is a jaunty bow!
142
00:05:59,071 --> 00:06:01,071
Yeah.
143
00:06:01,171 --> 00:06:02,571
Where did you get it?
144
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:03,773
Well...
145
00:06:03,873 --> 00:06:05,773
the first job
I ever had was, uh,
146
00:06:05,873 --> 00:06:07,873
at this greasy spoon
when I was 15.
147
00:06:07,973 --> 00:06:12,075
There was this old waitress
there, named Cora.
148
00:06:12,175 --> 00:06:14,175
She taught me everything
I know about waiting tables.
149
00:06:14,976 --> 00:06:17,276
Anyway, on, uh, her last day,
150
00:06:17,376 --> 00:06:20,378
the day they were carting her
off to the nursing home,
151
00:06:20,378 --> 00:06:22,578
she gave me this bow.
152
00:06:22,578 --> 00:06:24,178
She told me
to wear it with pride
153
00:06:24,178 --> 00:06:28,080
because being a waitress
is a wonderful thing.
154
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,580
Carla, that's quite a story.
155
00:06:30,580 --> 00:06:32,681
Now, if the judges
are as sappy as you,
156
00:06:32,681 --> 00:06:33,881
I get me a new car!
157
00:06:33,981 --> 00:06:35,282
(laughing)
158
00:06:37,183 --> 00:06:38,183
Carla.
159
00:06:38,283 --> 00:06:39,183
(clears throat)
160
00:06:39,283 --> 00:06:40,683
Honey, I just want you to know
161
00:06:40,783 --> 00:06:44,485
that I've got some... moral
problems with this contest.
162
00:06:45,785 --> 00:06:48,086
It's not gonna get in the way
of me hoping you win.
163
00:06:48,186 --> 00:06:49,186
Yeah. Well,
thanks, Sam.
Yeah.
164
00:06:49,186 --> 00:06:50,786
Now, would you give me
my button over there?
165
00:06:50,886 --> 00:06:52,787
Oh.
166
00:06:52,887 --> 00:06:54,988
Here. "My name's Carla
and I love your smile."
167
00:06:55,088 --> 00:06:56,488
(chuckles):
Here.
168
00:06:56,488 --> 00:06:58,688
Boy, you're really prepared
to go all the way for this.
169
00:06:58,788 --> 00:07:00,690
Yeah. I got a button
that says that, too.
170
00:07:00,790 --> 00:07:02,090
Think I should wear it?
171
00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:04,090
No, no. I'd stick
with the smile thing.
172
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:05,391
Right.
173
00:07:05,491 --> 00:07:06,591
Could I have some service?
174
00:07:06,591 --> 00:07:07,692
Coming!
175
00:07:10,193 --> 00:07:12,893
Hi. I'll be
your waitress today.
176
00:07:12,993 --> 00:07:14,493
How may I serve you?
177
00:07:14,593 --> 00:07:15,995
I want a martini.
178
00:07:15,995 --> 00:07:18,095
Dry. D-R-Y.
179
00:07:18,195 --> 00:07:19,895
And that means
180
00:07:19,895 --> 00:07:21,195
light on the vermouth.
181
00:07:21,195 --> 00:07:22,996
And I want a twist,
not an olive.
182
00:07:23,096 --> 00:07:24,197
Very well, sir.
183
00:07:24,197 --> 00:07:25,697
Uh, uh, read
that back to me.
184
00:07:25,797 --> 00:07:28,198
I don't want any mistakes.
185
00:07:28,298 --> 00:07:31,599
One martini, very dry.
186
00:07:31,599 --> 00:07:33,000
You forgot the twist.
187
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:34,900
Twist it is.
188
00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:36,900
I'll twist his big ears off.
189
00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:39,202
Take it easy, take it easy.
190
00:07:39,302 --> 00:07:41,302
He wants a very dry
martini with a twist.
191
00:07:51,105 --> 00:07:53,005
What'd you do that for?
192
00:07:53,105 --> 00:07:54,705
It's nothing personal.
193
00:07:54,705 --> 00:07:57,707
I was just
letting off steam.
194
00:07:57,707 --> 00:08:00,107
Then why don't you
push Norm off his stool?
195
00:08:00,207 --> 00:08:01,908
You don't know much
about physics, do you?
196
00:08:06,210 --> 00:08:07,410
Don't forget the twist!
197
00:08:07,510 --> 00:08:08,210
Let me see my brochure.
198
00:08:08,210 --> 00:08:10,010
I gotta get a look at my car.
199
00:08:12,712 --> 00:08:13,712
Oh...
200
00:08:13,812 --> 00:08:15,012
Yes.
(laughs)
201
00:08:15,012 --> 00:08:16,112
Oh, it's worth it.
202
00:08:16,212 --> 00:08:17,613
It's worth it.
Yeah.
203
00:08:17,613 --> 00:08:19,314
Carla, this must've
fallen out of your folder.
204
00:08:19,314 --> 00:08:20,814
It says "List of Judges."
205
00:08:22,214 --> 00:08:23,515
Are you kidding?
206
00:08:23,615 --> 00:08:26,515
That's supposed
to be top secret.
207
00:08:26,515 --> 00:08:27,816
Oh, my God.
208
00:08:27,916 --> 00:08:30,417
This is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
209
00:08:30,517 --> 00:08:31,617
I'm gonna know who they are.
210
00:08:31,717 --> 00:08:34,118
Now all I have to do is
kiss up to the squids
211
00:08:34,218 --> 00:08:35,719
on that list and I'll
be driving home
212
00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:37,019
in a nice, new convertible.
213
00:08:37,019 --> 00:08:38,319
All right.
214
00:08:38,419 --> 00:08:39,720
Who are they, Woody?
215
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,020
David Murphy, Cliff Clavin
216
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:43,321
and Frank Smith.
217
00:08:45,122 --> 00:08:47,022
(yells)
218
00:08:54,024 --> 00:08:56,025
Now, who is Frank Smith,
219
00:08:56,125 --> 00:08:58,025
and why is Carla so mad at him?
220
00:09:09,763 --> 00:09:12,465
And now, on top
of everything else,
221
00:09:12,565 --> 00:09:15,365
I've got this huge
headache outta nowhere.
222
00:09:18,066 --> 00:09:20,367
They picked Clavin
to be a judge.
223
00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,368
What could they
have been thinking of?
224
00:09:24,068 --> 00:09:25,468
Aw, they probably
want someone, you know,
225
00:09:25,568 --> 00:09:26,769
with lot of bar experience,
226
00:09:26,869 --> 00:09:29,070
and he has been hanging
around here a lot, you know.
227
00:09:29,070 --> 00:09:30,170
Yeah, well, so's Norm.
228
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:31,470
Why didn't they pick you, Norm?
229
00:09:31,570 --> 00:09:32,471
Well, maybe they did.
230
00:09:32,571 --> 00:09:35,372
I haven't opened
my mail in a while.
231
00:09:35,472 --> 00:09:38,773
Once my Unemployment ran out,
all the incentive was gone.
232
00:09:38,873 --> 00:09:40,673
No doubt about it,
233
00:09:40,773 --> 00:09:43,074
these things were a
lot easier on all of us
234
00:09:43,074 --> 00:09:46,675
when they were
just bimbo contests.
235
00:09:46,775 --> 00:09:48,075
You know, if this...
236
00:09:48,175 --> 00:09:50,377
this is the new age
of enlightenment,
237
00:09:50,477 --> 00:09:52,777
why, why does it
hurt so many people?
238
00:09:58,379 --> 00:10:00,279
Norm, I gotta
ask you a question.
239
00:10:00,279 --> 00:10:01,480
All right.
240
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:02,680
You know, over the years,
241
00:10:02,780 --> 00:10:04,880
I've been pretty
bad to Clavin.
Mmm.
242
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,282
And I've done
some things that...
243
00:10:06,382 --> 00:10:08,082
maybe I shouldn't have.
244
00:10:08,182 --> 00:10:10,082
Mm-hmm.
Called him names.
245
00:10:10,182 --> 00:10:12,083
Punctured his tires.
246
00:10:12,183 --> 00:10:13,683
Set fire to his hair.
247
00:10:13,783 --> 00:10:15,984
What's the question?
248
00:10:16,084 --> 00:10:17,085
Do you think he noticed?
249
00:10:17,185 --> 00:10:18,485
(snorts)
250
00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:21,585
You made this guy
eat a bug once.
251
00:10:21,685 --> 00:10:25,087
Come on, that's a birthday
the guy's never gonna forget.
252
00:10:25,187 --> 00:10:27,187
Okay, I'll send
him flowers.
253
00:10:27,187 --> 00:10:29,788
Carla, that bug laid
eggs in his stomach.
254
00:10:31,489 --> 00:10:33,589
Yeah. That was
kind of a bonus.
255
00:10:35,190 --> 00:10:36,590
Oh... God.
256
00:10:36,690 --> 00:10:38,891
I might as well just
chop this phony bow.
257
00:10:38,991 --> 00:10:40,092
Aww.
258
00:10:40,192 --> 00:10:42,092
You're right, Norm.
It's hopeless.
259
00:10:42,192 --> 00:10:43,292
I'm never gonna win anything.
260
00:10:43,392 --> 00:10:44,792
Come on.
No, really.
261
00:10:44,893 --> 00:10:46,794
You know, I thought
it was my turn.
262
00:10:46,894 --> 00:10:48,794
I thought that,
for once in my life,
263
00:10:48,894 --> 00:10:50,094
I was gonna be recognized
264
00:10:50,194 --> 00:10:52,495
for being the best
at what I do.
265
00:10:52,495 --> 00:10:55,296
Now, because of Clavin,
I don't even get the chance.
266
00:10:55,396 --> 00:10:58,197
All right, well, why
don't you try this?
267
00:10:58,197 --> 00:10:59,997
Actually be nice to Cliff.
268
00:11:00,097 --> 00:11:01,798
Listen to his stories.
269
00:11:01,898 --> 00:11:03,799
Treat him like a friend.
270
00:11:03,899 --> 00:11:05,099
(laughs):
I'm sorry.
271
00:11:05,099 --> 00:11:08,100
It's the beer talking.
272
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,400
Well, that, uh, Paul,
in a nutshell,
273
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:12,401
is the history
of Western civilization.
274
00:11:14,302 --> 00:11:16,102
You were right
to come to me.
275
00:11:16,202 --> 00:11:17,402
I didn't come to you, Cliff.
276
00:11:17,502 --> 00:11:20,004
I was, uh, waiting
to use the phone.
277
00:11:24,405 --> 00:11:25,505
Go on, Cliff.
278
00:11:25,505 --> 00:11:26,706
I'm listening.
279
00:11:26,806 --> 00:11:29,106
I'm interested
in Western civilization.
280
00:11:29,206 --> 00:11:31,107
You all right, Carla?
281
00:11:32,207 --> 00:11:33,407
Beat it, lard butt!
282
00:11:35,509 --> 00:11:37,709
Thank God. I thought
I was hallucinating.
283
00:11:40,710 --> 00:11:41,610
Interested, huh?
284
00:11:41,710 --> 00:11:43,011
Oh, yeah!
That's funny.
285
00:11:43,011 --> 00:11:45,111
You, uh, you never
listened to me before.
286
00:11:45,111 --> 00:11:47,812
I listen to you
all the time, Cliff.
287
00:11:47,912 --> 00:11:49,712
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
288
00:11:49,712 --> 00:11:52,214
I often go home
and tell the kids
289
00:11:52,214 --> 00:11:55,114
about this very,
very smart man at work.
290
00:11:55,203 --> 00:11:57,804
Why are you so mean
to me all the time?
291
00:11:57,904 --> 00:11:59,505
Mean?
292
00:11:59,605 --> 00:12:03,306
Well, like when you knocked me
off that stool.
293
00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:05,906
Knocked... Oh, no!
294
00:12:06,006 --> 00:12:08,007
Oh, no, that was just
an affectionate nudge,
295
00:12:08,107 --> 00:12:11,808
you, you old silly billy.
296
00:12:20,311 --> 00:12:23,112
Well, that, that did sort
of hurt my back
297
00:12:23,212 --> 00:12:24,512
a little bit.
Oh...
298
00:12:24,612 --> 00:12:28,713
You know, I wondered if you
might... Uh, no, never mind.
299
00:12:28,713 --> 00:12:29,813
I could never ask you.
300
00:12:29,913 --> 00:12:31,715
Oh, no, Cliff.
301
00:12:31,815 --> 00:12:34,315
Uh, would you like me to get you
something for your back?
302
00:12:34,415 --> 00:12:37,216
Some, uh, heating pad
or some Doan's Pills?
303
00:12:37,316 --> 00:12:39,417
Well, well,
you know a little,
304
00:12:39,517 --> 00:12:42,718
uh, back rub might help
a little.
305
00:12:42,818 --> 00:12:44,918
Wouldn't you rather have
a heating pad
306
00:12:44,918 --> 00:12:46,919
or some Doan's Pills?
307
00:12:46,919 --> 00:12:49,920
Right there between
the, uh, scapuli.
308
00:12:55,222 --> 00:12:57,222
Why, uh, sure.
309
00:13:03,024 --> 00:13:06,725
Oh, that feels good.
310
00:13:09,625 --> 00:13:11,227
Ah! You know, Carla,
what the heck.
311
00:13:11,327 --> 00:13:12,827
I'll just take off my shirt
312
00:13:12,927 --> 00:13:15,027
and you can come in
the office with me
313
00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:16,428
and really knead
the flesh.
314
00:13:18,529 --> 00:13:21,630
(makes tire squealing sound)
315
00:13:23,630 --> 00:13:28,732
Okay. But if I'm not out
of there in 15 minutes,
316
00:13:28,832 --> 00:13:31,032
nail that door shut,
call my kids
317
00:13:31,132 --> 00:13:33,833
and tell them I died
in a hideous explosion.
318
00:13:33,933 --> 00:13:36,334
I wouldn't want them
to know the truth.
319
00:13:41,235 --> 00:13:42,536
(sighs)
320
00:13:43,937 --> 00:13:45,637
How's that painting job
coming along, Norm?
321
00:13:45,637 --> 00:13:47,337
Ah, swear to God,
322
00:13:47,437 --> 00:13:49,438
I would be in there painting
this very moment,
323
00:13:49,538 --> 00:13:50,739
but, uh, Carla's using the room.
324
00:13:50,739 --> 00:13:51,939
She's giving Cliff a massage.
325
00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:54,640
Oh, please!
326
00:13:57,340 --> 00:13:58,641
Give me a break.
327
00:14:00,342 --> 00:14:01,642
Oh, dear.
328
00:14:04,042 --> 00:14:05,242
See?
329
00:14:05,342 --> 00:14:08,044
Yes, I see.
330
00:14:08,044 --> 00:14:10,144
Now if you could just get
the rest of that office
331
00:14:10,244 --> 00:14:12,745
half as white as Cliff's
upper body, I'd be happy.
332
00:14:14,146 --> 00:14:17,147
Woody, a beer for Cliff, please.
333
00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:18,947
And, uh,
334
00:14:19,047 --> 00:14:23,949
I have to get, four,
five, six pretzels
335
00:14:24,049 --> 00:14:27,950
with the salt brushed off
just one side.
336
00:14:33,151 --> 00:14:35,952
(sobbing):
I touched his skin!
337
00:14:37,452 --> 00:14:39,354
Oh, horror, horror!
338
00:14:43,154 --> 00:14:46,456
You might pretend
it's something less repulsive.
339
00:14:48,756 --> 00:14:53,957
Less, less repulsive than
340
00:14:54,057 --> 00:14:56,959
Cliff's naked back?
341
00:14:57,059 --> 00:15:00,359
Oh! You mean
like a dead animal
342
00:15:00,459 --> 00:15:02,060
lying on the side
of the road
343
00:15:02,060 --> 00:15:03,261
squirming with maggots?
344
00:15:04,861 --> 00:15:07,462
Precisely. Visualize.
345
00:15:07,562 --> 00:15:09,962
Visualize!
346
00:15:10,062 --> 00:15:11,163
Yeah!
347
00:15:11,263 --> 00:15:12,864
I think that can work.
348
00:15:12,964 --> 00:15:14,764
Thanks, Doc.
349
00:15:14,764 --> 00:15:16,464
It's only maggots.
350
00:15:16,564 --> 00:15:17,564
It's only maggots.
351
00:15:19,966 --> 00:15:21,166
Boy, that Carla sure is smart,
352
00:15:21,266 --> 00:15:23,567
buttering up to Mr. Clavin
so she'll win.
353
00:15:23,667 --> 00:15:24,967
Wish I'd had those smarts
354
00:15:24,967 --> 00:15:28,168
when I was doing the county fair
circuit with my hog Maribelle.
355
00:15:28,168 --> 00:15:30,969
Rule number one:
you got to schmooze.
356
00:15:32,669 --> 00:15:34,069
You gotta go
to the right parties.
357
00:15:34,170 --> 00:15:35,771
You gotta sell out.
358
00:15:35,871 --> 00:15:36,671
I wouldn't.
359
00:15:36,771 --> 00:15:40,172
So I brought Maribelle home
a loser.
360
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:41,272
It broke my heart.
361
00:15:41,372 --> 00:15:43,473
How was Maribelle?
362
00:15:43,573 --> 00:15:45,673
Not bad with applesauce.
363
00:15:53,276 --> 00:15:56,076
Carla, you've really got
strong, peasant hands.
364
00:15:58,678 --> 00:16:00,078
Thank you, Cliff.
365
00:16:00,178 --> 00:16:01,978
It's really quite
a refreshing change,
366
00:16:02,078 --> 00:16:04,079
you being nice
to me all of a sudden.
367
00:16:04,179 --> 00:16:07,380
It's not all of a sudden.
368
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:10,281
It's like when
you're in third grade
369
00:16:10,381 --> 00:16:14,082
when you tease the boy
you secretly like the most.
370
00:16:16,083 --> 00:16:18,983
You mean the whole third grade
secretly liked me?
371
00:16:21,184 --> 00:16:22,885
Forget it.
372
00:16:22,885 --> 00:16:27,086
Wait a minute, Carla, are you
trying to say you like me?
373
00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:30,688
Well...
374
00:16:30,688 --> 00:16:32,788
Oh, come on, don't be shy.
375
00:16:32,788 --> 00:16:33,888
Say it.
376
00:16:33,888 --> 00:16:36,089
Say it so
the guys can hear it.
377
00:16:40,990 --> 00:16:42,391
I like you.
378
00:16:42,491 --> 00:16:43,491
I said it.
379
00:16:45,391 --> 00:16:47,593
Doc, I feel like
I'm gonna explode.
380
00:16:47,693 --> 00:16:48,593
What should I do?
381
00:16:48,693 --> 00:16:50,693
Find some way to
release the tension.
382
00:16:50,793 --> 00:16:51,793
Good thinking.
383
00:16:52,694 --> 00:16:53,994
Oh! Oh!
384
00:16:55,795 --> 00:16:57,695
Oh, thank you.
I feel a lot better. Thank you.
385
00:16:57,795 --> 00:16:59,096
Carla,
386
00:16:59,196 --> 00:17:01,896
you know, you did such a good
job with the back rub,
387
00:17:01,996 --> 00:17:04,598
now my feet are jealous.
388
00:17:08,898 --> 00:17:10,500
Allow me.
389
00:17:20,403 --> 00:17:23,603
I rubbed his feet.
I rubbed his feet!
390
00:17:23,703 --> 00:17:25,503
Carla, Carla,
Carla, come on.
Cut it out.
391
00:17:25,603 --> 00:17:27,105
You've been washing
your hands with kerosene
392
00:17:27,205 --> 00:17:29,005
for half an hour.
They're clean!
393
00:17:29,105 --> 00:17:30,305
No, not yet, Sam.
394
00:17:30,405 --> 00:17:32,806
Get me a match.
395
00:17:32,906 --> 00:17:34,707
Carla, it couldn't have been
that bad.
396
00:17:34,807 --> 00:17:36,907
Like hell.
397
00:17:36,907 --> 00:17:38,208
I didn't look,
398
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:41,208
but I'm sure I felt six toes
on his left foot.
399
00:17:43,710 --> 00:17:46,410
If the judges will please come
forward and the contestants
400
00:17:46,510 --> 00:17:47,710
will take their places,
401
00:17:47,810 --> 00:17:48,711
we're ready to begin
402
00:17:48,811 --> 00:17:53,612
the 53rd Annual Miss Boston
Barmaid Contest.
403
00:17:53,712 --> 00:17:54,913
Uh, uh, I'll be right there.
404
00:17:55,013 --> 00:17:57,813
I'm just gonna go get
the other judge.
405
00:17:57,913 --> 00:17:59,014
What other judge?
406
00:17:59,114 --> 00:18:00,315
Cliff Clavin.
407
00:18:00,415 --> 00:18:02,215
Sorry. I don't know
a Cliff Clavin.
408
00:18:02,215 --> 00:18:06,617
Well, what, what about this?
409
00:18:06,617 --> 00:18:08,817
Oh, I'm sorry, miss.
410
00:18:08,917 --> 00:18:10,017
That's not official.
411
00:18:10,117 --> 00:18:11,918
Someone must be
having fun with you.
412
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:16,920
Hey, uh, Carla,
413
00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:19,820
you still got
that little brush?
414
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,522
Uh, you left a couple
of crumbs on my mustache.
415
00:18:27,423 --> 00:18:29,023
You know, Cliff, uh, I think
416
00:18:29,123 --> 00:18:31,024
you, uh, ought
to keep those crumbs.
417
00:18:31,124 --> 00:18:33,425
They're gonna need 'em
to identify your body.
418
00:18:33,525 --> 00:18:35,725
You set me up!
419
00:18:35,825 --> 00:18:37,925
You put your name
on that list
420
00:18:38,025 --> 00:18:40,027
just so that I would
be nice to you!
421
00:18:40,027 --> 00:18:41,927
EMCEE:
Contestant number one?
422
00:18:42,027 --> 00:18:46,329
(sweetly):
Yes?
423
00:18:46,429 --> 00:18:48,329
If you'll take your place
424
00:18:48,329 --> 00:18:50,030
with the other contestants
we can begin.
425
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:51,430
(groans)
426
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:53,830
I have to go be in
the contest now, Cliff.
427
00:18:53,830 --> 00:18:56,832
Why don't you make
your peace with God?
428
00:18:59,932 --> 00:19:01,133
Are you nuts?!
429
00:19:01,233 --> 00:19:03,634
Did you think you were gonna
actually get away with that?
430
00:19:03,734 --> 00:19:05,534
You know you're dead
now, don't you?
431
00:19:05,634 --> 00:19:07,535
Eh, I know, Norm.
432
00:19:07,635 --> 00:19:09,735
Some men have a mission.
433
00:19:09,735 --> 00:19:11,436
Uh, guys climb Mount Everest.
434
00:19:11,536 --> 00:19:13,637
Other guys walk on the moon.
435
00:19:13,637 --> 00:19:15,237
Yeah, either of those
would be a pretty good
436
00:19:15,337 --> 00:19:16,737
hiding place for
you right now.
437
00:19:16,737 --> 00:19:19,739
I topped them all, yessiree.
438
00:19:19,839 --> 00:19:21,339
I had Carla rub my bare feet.
439
00:19:21,439 --> 00:19:23,140
I'm gonna have that etched
on my tombstone.
440
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,740
You can start working
on it just about now.
441
00:19:27,741 --> 00:19:29,042
Contestant number one,
you're first.
442
00:19:29,142 --> 00:19:33,242
Our first category will be speed
followed by memorization,
443
00:19:33,342 --> 00:19:34,244
personal warmth,
444
00:19:34,344 --> 00:19:36,644
courtesy
and drink knowledge.
445
00:19:36,644 --> 00:19:39,344
SAM (high voice):
What about the bikini round?
446
00:19:39,444 --> 00:19:42,146
We're well aware
of your views, Mr. Malone.
447
00:19:49,047 --> 00:19:51,649
And now let the contest begin.
448
00:20:49,466 --> 00:20:52,267
EMCEE:
Thank you.
Very nicely done.
449
00:20:52,367 --> 00:20:55,068
That concludes our competition.
450
00:20:55,168 --> 00:20:56,568
As the judges tally their votes,
451
00:20:56,668 --> 00:20:58,169
let's have a big round
of applause
452
00:20:58,269 --> 00:20:59,469
for all of our contestants.
453
00:21:03,271 --> 00:21:04,471
Sammy,
You did great.
454
00:21:04,571 --> 00:21:06,571
oh, Sammy, I've really
got a shot at this.
455
00:21:06,571 --> 00:21:07,271
Yeah.
456
00:21:07,371 --> 00:21:08,671
You know, I hate to admit it,
457
00:21:08,771 --> 00:21:10,573
but I think it might be
because of you, Clavin.
458
00:21:10,673 --> 00:21:11,873
What do you mean?
459
00:21:11,873 --> 00:21:14,874
Well, I took all that energy
I was gonna use to kill you,
460
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:17,674
and I put it into doing
the best job I could.
461
00:21:17,674 --> 00:21:18,675
Oh, yeah, yeah, well,
462
00:21:18,775 --> 00:21:21,276
then my secret strategy
worked, huh?
463
00:21:21,376 --> 00:21:22,876
Well, I hope you
enjoy the car, Carla.
464
00:21:22,976 --> 00:21:24,876
And, uh, just remember who
made it all possible.
465
00:21:24,976 --> 00:21:26,878
EMCEE:
If the contestants
will please be seated.
466
00:21:26,978 --> 00:21:29,978
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.
467
00:21:30,078 --> 00:21:32,479
Oh, it's me, it's me,
it's me, I feel it!
468
00:21:32,579 --> 00:21:36,480
The proud owner of a brand-new
1991 convertible,
469
00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:40,181
and our new Miss Boston Barmaid
is...
470
00:21:40,181 --> 00:21:41,281
Miss Shawnee Wilson!
471
00:21:47,083 --> 00:21:48,784
But she spilled all the drinks.
472
00:21:48,884 --> 00:21:50,485
Who cares? Look at her.
473
00:21:50,485 --> 00:21:52,285
I won! I won!
I won!
474
00:21:52,385 --> 00:21:55,086
I won! I won! I won!
475
00:21:55,186 --> 00:21:55,686
No, no, you won!
476
00:21:55,786 --> 00:21:58,086
I won! I won!
I won!
477
00:22:01,488 --> 00:22:03,988
And let's not forget
our Miss Congeniality award.
478
00:22:03,988 --> 00:22:07,890
It goes to contestant number
one, Cheers' own Carla.
479
00:22:12,291 --> 00:22:13,291
That's quite a big trophy, miss.
480
00:22:13,391 --> 00:22:14,892
I hope you have room for it.
481
00:22:14,992 --> 00:22:16,593
I'll make room.
482
00:22:17,993 --> 00:22:19,393
Mr. Mailman!
483
00:22:19,493 --> 00:22:20,993
Oh, look out!
484
00:22:27,696 --> 00:22:30,297
I'm so happy you
won that contest.
485
00:22:30,397 --> 00:22:32,097
You know, it just shows
486
00:22:32,097 --> 00:22:33,698
that the world
hasn't gone crazy.
487
00:22:33,798 --> 00:22:36,598
That, you know,
deep, deep inside,
488
00:22:36,698 --> 00:22:38,400
people are basically good.
489
00:22:38,500 --> 00:22:41,800
That they can see
through the rules
and the regulations,
490
00:22:41,900 --> 00:22:44,501
you know, and pick out
the inner diamond.
491
00:22:44,501 --> 00:22:46,302
I won the shiny red car.
492
00:22:46,402 --> 00:22:48,602
I know you did, honey!
493
00:22:49,803 --> 00:22:52,403
Woody, where's Norm?
494
00:22:52,503 --> 00:22:53,703
Is he in the bathroom?
495
00:22:53,803 --> 00:22:55,105
No.
496
00:22:55,105 --> 00:22:56,205
Is he putting money
in the meter?
497
00:22:56,205 --> 00:22:57,305
No.
498
00:22:57,405 --> 00:23:00,706
Don't tell me he is actually...
499
00:23:00,806 --> 00:23:02,207
(bang, hissing sound)
500
00:23:02,207 --> 00:23:04,307
NORM:
Whoa!
501
00:23:05,908 --> 00:23:07,208
(hissing stops)
502
00:23:12,610 --> 00:23:14,010
Relax.
503
00:23:14,110 --> 00:23:17,111
It-it-it dries much lighter.34914
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