All language subtitles for Cheers.S09E18.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-HQC

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Another beer, Sam.

Uh, put it on my tab.

Actually, Paul,
we don't run tabs here.

What do you mean
you don't run tabs here?

Norm Peterson has a tab
the size of his pants.

Well, that's, that's Norm.

Well, this is Paul.

Come on, Norm doesn't
have much in life,

except Cheers.

What about me?
I'm unemployed.

I don't like my wife.

You're putting me
in a tough spot here.

I'm sorry, Sam,
I really want a tab.

Yeah, I want a tab, too.

MAN:
Hey, you guys
are getting tabs?

Hey, everybody,
we're all getting tabs.

No, you're not.
Put that back.

Paul, you see what...

Sam, I'm sitting here
until I get a tab.

What are you
talking about?

Paul doesn't
have a tab here?

Please.

This is one of our

most loyal
customers for years.

If anyone deserves a tab
in this joint, it's Paul.

All right.

We'll run a tab for Paul.

Hey, thanks, Norm.

Can I have beer,
please, Sam, and, uh,

why don't we put
it on Paul's tab?

(theme song begins)

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ Takes everything you've got ¶

¶ Taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ Sure would help a lot

¶ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ¶

¶ Sometimes you want to go

¶ Where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ And they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ You wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ Our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ¶

¶ You wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ People are all the same

¶ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ¶

Carla, it's
the first of the month.

Where's my rent check

for the poolroom
and the bathrooms?

Here you are.

Buy yourself a melon in
case you misplace your head.

Thank you.

Tell me, Carla,
clinically speaking,

are you considered
a dwarf or a midget?

Say, is that your head or is
your neck blowing a bubble?

Somebody phone
the authorities in Paris.

A gargoyle has just
fallen off Notre Dame

and is now taking
drink orders.

You know, two
heads like that

would make a
perfectly good butt.

Shrike.
Bullet head.

Slattern.
Hatchet face.

Well, must be off.

Till next month, then.

He's good people.

Hey, Carla.

What's the matter, Eefus?

Well, you served table
three's drinks to table five.

That's a five?

Yeah, can't you read that?

CLIFF:
Aw, it's not
surprising, Woody.

Carla's reaching
that age

where the lens of the cornea
loses its elasticity.

They do say that the eye
is the first to go.

(chuckles)

Keep it up

and your teeth will be
the first to go.

That was clearly
a three there, Eefus.

Get your orders straight.

Good morning.

Hey, Rebecca,

you got to get on the
phone with the distributor.

I'm still out of vermouth.

Yeah, yeah,
I'll do that this afternoon.

I have to work on
my own plans this morning.

Your plans for what?

For what I'm going to do

when I buy your bar.

(laughing):
Oh, those plans, right.

Oh, how can I forget that?

You're not taking me seriously,
are you, Sam?

No, no, I'm not.
No, I'm not.

You, the bar owner.

"Hi, I'm Rebecca Howe.

"Welcome to my bar.

"Gee, you know, we're
a little low on vermouth today.

"Maybe I ought to get
on the phone and order some

"because, after all,
this is...

my bar."

That is not funny.

Yeah, well, I guess to get it,

you'd have to be a bar owner
or out of vermouth

and I'm both,
so order it.

Sam, I am prepared
to make you

a legitimate offer
on this bar.

I can offer you
$25,000 cash right now.

How about $15,000 in cash
and $10,000 in vermouth?!

Sam, I'm serious.

Where are you going to get
that kind of money?

(scoffing):
I have a degree.

I'm a businesswoman.

I just spent the last ten
years in a major corporation.

My daddy's
giving it to me.

He's just giving it to you?

Well, no, we have
an agreement.

He agreed to
give me the money

and I agreed to
never again come home

and cry so hard that I throw
up at the dinner table.

This is a bit of a surprise,
isn't it, Rebecca?

Why do you want Cheers?
I would think

for you this bar would only have

negative associations
connected with it.

Well, think of all the
heartbreak you've had here,

the forgotten goals,
the missed opportunities.

Hey, it's called
atmosphere, babe.

I would think for you

this place would have
the stench of failure.

No, that's Clavin,

and F.Y.I.,
it's not just failure.

You know,
actually, Lilith,

I had more productive,
successful times at Cheers

than I've had anyplace
else in my life.

Dear God.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was thinking
of something else.

Sweetheart, I-I think
it's a great idea--

you know, you
running a business--

but you got to
understand something.

This bar is not for sale
at any price, end of story.

Do you really mean that?

Because I'm not going to come
to you with this offer again.

Well, I'll just have
to live with that.

I-I-I'll hold
it in my heart

and remember all the
laughter it brought me.

Oh, and by the
way, you know,

that vermouth is not going to
order itself, there, Sparky.

Sam!

(laughs)
Come on.

I'm sorry.

You're right, I'm not
taking you seriously here.

I got to be
supportive.

All right, uh,
tell you what.

I will sell you this bar.

You will?
Yeah.

What would be a
fair price here?

We got liquor,
glasses, bar stools.

Oh, I don't know,
let's say $25 million.

Come on, Sam.

Oh, don't be so negative.

Here, I'll show you how
supportive I can be.

All right, let's take
a collection here for Rebecca.

I need a tin can.

Oh, yeah, here we go, all right.
Hey, yo,
yo, yo.

Whoop-- all right, there you go.

Okay, let's help, uh,

Rebecca pay for this bar here.

I'll tell you what, I am going
to put in a nickel myself.

Now, can anyone,

uh, match that?

Anybody?

Ooh, not looking
good here, babe.

I hope you're having fun.

Actually, I'm not.

You know, fund-raising
is really hard work.

I must be doing somethin' right.

A guy just gave me a ten dollar
tip on a $30 bar tab.

That's a single.

Oh, man.

Well, I might as well
get this over with.

Woody, cover for me.

I shouldn't put this off
any longer.

There you go, now you're
thinking there, Carla.

Get those eyes checked out
properly.

Forget that.

I'm going to run the cheapskate
over like a dog.

Well, if your eyes
are in such great shape,

then how come you took
my car keys by mistake?

That was no mistake.

You think I want his blood
and hair on my fender?

Oh, I see
a starfish.

CLIFF:
I think it's a manta ray.

You showing ink blots again,
Dr. Crane?

Uh, no, Woody.

We are engaged in something
far more challenging

than anything Hermann
Rorschach ever dreamed up.

That's right, Wood, we're
trying to figure out

the five hidden pictures on
Melville's kiddie place mat.

SAM:
Okay, boys.

Tell you what,
let's check, uh,

Rebecca's tote board here,

ladies and gentlemen.

All right, you can see her
goal here of $25 million.

Let's check that
against

the grand total of--
whoo-- two nickels!

All right!

Whoo!

Uh-oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

That confetti just
cost you a nickel.

Promotion's not
free, you know.

Your jokes

are so childish
and moronic.

Well, that's what keeps me
young, babe.

(both laughing)
MAN:
Rebecca.

REBECCA:
Oh, Harry, I'm glad
you're here. Sam.

This is my appraiser,
he's going

to tell me how much
this bar is really worth.

Well, I'll save you
some trouble here, Harry.

The bar is worth $25 million.

Well, Rebecca, I need
to work up the figures,

but everything seems
to be in good shape.

Except for that strange
floor deformity.

What floor deformity?

There seems to be
a depression here.

It's almost as
if this bar stool

is sinking right
into the earth.

I wonder what
could cause that.

Uh, pardon me, pal.

You're standing between me
and my cheese doodles.

You know, uh,

I don't think that a ground
surface irregularity

of this nature
is so strange.

I mean, after all,

the entire east coast
is sinking.

We all know that.

I mean, due to global warming,
the polar ice caps are melting

and, hey, we're gonna be
all underwater anyway.

Yeah, that's why I, uh,

like to keep a couple
of cans of tuna

and an inflatable raft
in the trunk of my car.

Wait a second, I ate the tuna
a couple of nights ago.

I'd better go out
and get some more.

Boy, if that flood
comes tonight,

I'm really going
to kick myself.

Harry...

do you think you have enough
figures to run the appraisal?

Well, just one
more question.

Is that mailman going to
be hanging around here?

I don't know.

Well, I'll run the
figures both ways.

Honey, you're wasting your money
running an appraisal like this.

Remember,
you only got one nickel left.

(huffing):
Sam, you know what?

You never take anything
I say seriously.

Take this seriously.

I will have this bar.

You're right,
I'm sorry.

From now on, I'm going
to take you seriously.

Good.

(in low voice):
This is me taking Rebecca
seriously.

Come on, guys, let's all
take Rebecca seriously.

(in low voice):
All right, Sam, well, I'm going
to be very serious now.

(in low voice):
Well, what the heck?
This is a very serious bar.

I'd like a very
serious beer, please.

(Sam and Norm laughing)

No, I'm serious, Sam,
I'd like one.

You guys
are such...

Excuse me, Miss.

Is this
total right?

Yeah.

What was that?

Nothing.

There was something across
the bridge of your nose.

It was horn-rimmed
and a little Coke bottle-ish.

All right, I went to one
of those one-hour joints

and I got myself a pair
of reading glasses.

But if I hear one single
comment about Ben Franklin

or Granny or "four eyes,"

I will cut out your tongue
and fry it up for lunch.

(muffled laughs)

(laughing)

(laughing)

I don't care.
It's worth a tongue.

Oh darn.

These glasses have
a spot on them.

That's better.

(laughing)

This is so funny!

What are you
doing, Sam?
Huh?

Oh, I'm, uh, faking a letter
from the IRS here saying

that Rebecca overpaid
her return last year.

So the government
now owes her $25 million.

Sam...

Well, it could happen!

Come on! Give me a break.

I think your humor is expressing

a hidden hostility
toward Rebecca.

Or perhaps, deep down, you fear

she really is capable
of taking this bar from you.

Put a suit on a woman
and she thinks she's God.

Frasier,
are you going

to let him
talk to me like this?

She's also this way

when the suit
comes off, Sam.

You should see her
rule the roost

in her bra and panties.

Well, well...

well, hey,
it's a compliment, baby!

(laughing):
Oh!

Hey, listen to this!

"P.S. Order some vermouth."

(hysterically laughing)

Sam.
Yeah?

I've always known that you felt
that my owning the pool room

and bathrooms was an unwieldy
arrangement.

So I found a solution.

Oh, good. What?

I've agreed to sell
them to Rebecca.

I hope you can afford
the new rent, Sam,

but if you have any trouble

maybe you can throw
a little telethon.

Tell you what.

(low voice):
I'm willing to donate a nickel.

Oh, no, no, no.

This is not
gonna happen here.

Listen, if you want to sell
these rooms to somebody,

sell them to me.

I mean, whatever she offered
you, I'll pay more.

Oh, really?

Why? Wait a minute.
What-What did she offer you?

I offered him the $25,000
my father gave me.

Sam, do you have a father?

Hold it. Excuse me.
Wait a minute.

You accepted my deal.

You said, "Yes."

"Yes" can mean
so many things.

You see, you see
what she's trying

to do here,
don't you, John?

I mean, if she gets a hold
of those bathrooms

and the pool room, she, she'll
take the whole bar from me

and she's gonna ruin me.

Oh, I'm all a tingle.

All right. All right.

Uh, how much did she offer you?

$25,000.

All right. All right.

Uh, $25,000 and one dollar.

No, no, $20.

Yeah. $25,000 and $20.

Let's see you beat that.

$30,000.

I thought, I thought
we were going up in $20.

It seems we have two interested
parties here.

Perhaps I should
give it to the one

who wants it
the most.

The party who's willing
to go that extra mile.

Oh, dear, I notice
my shoelace is untied.

Oh, give me
a break!

You expect one of us to get down
on our hands and knees

and tie your shoelace
so you can give them the rooms?

Oh, well to hell
with you, Mister.

You know, nothing's
worth that.

Oh, Christmas is coming
early this year.

Ah, Woody, if you see Hill,
give him his keys,

tell him I'm finished,
all right?

Oh, Sammy, you didn't
wash his car, did you?

Hey, what do you take me for?

I detailed every inch of it.

Hey, Carla,

I heard the guys were kidding
you about your glasses.

But I want you to know,

I think it makes you look
a lot more intellectual.

Thanks, Woody.

In fact, they...

they kind of make you
look like Einstein.

Thanks a lot.
Yeah,

if you could just get your
hair to do what his does.

Well, actually,
it almost does.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Why me?

I have to work with him.

Oh, boy, Miss Howe!

When I see
a woman

in a hot little black dress
like that,

all I can think of is "zowie,"

and "who died?"

Oh, Sam!

I want to thank you
for washing John's car

because after he cooks
dinner for me tonight,

he might want me
to go dancing and...

I want us to look good.

Oh, that's great.

I-I send him flowers
and he takes you dancing.

Men.

You know, also,

you can wax John's car

and you can do
his menial tasks,

but I have something
you don't have.

See you later...

or in the morning.

What does she mean
by that,

she has something
you don't have?

She's got nice hair,
you got nice hair.

She's got nice eyes,
you got nice eyes.

She's got...

Uh-oh, Sam.

You're in big trouble.

That was a very nice
meal, Mr. Hill.

Thank you.

I only wish that I could have
cooked it for you.

Oh, well,
I didn't want to disturb you

while you were doing
the windows.

Why don't we just sit here
a while and enjoy

a little wine,

before you do the dishes.

Mmm, you know, John...

I really deserve
that property downstairs

more than Sam does.

Well, deserving something

and earning it
are two different things.

Well, you know, John,

if you did
sell me the property,

I would be a very friendly
neighbor.

And I'm sure
we could come

to some mutual agreement.

You do know what I mean,
don't you?

(glassed and dishes shattering)

Oh, I'll clean that up later.

Don't worry about that,

we have a real estate purchase
to consider.

In fact, why don't we go
into the next room.

We can get under the sheets
and haggle.

Right now?

I'm ready.

Oh, gee, John.

I think that stain
is gonna set in here.

I'm willing to throw
caution to the wind

and say I'll risk
my carpet.

We really need to put
something on it.

Very well. How about us?

Eww...

Oh.

I mean,

as enchanting
as that offer is, John,

I-I really think club soda
would be more effective.

Oh, you're into club soda,
are you?

No, not really, I just...

(softly):
What can that possibly mean?

Come to Papa, Peaches.

Oh, no, no, don't,
wait, hold it.

You know, there's a joint
right around the corner

and they sell these carpet
cleaning machines.

This hot water shoots
right into the bristles

and it really cleans
it up fast!

Sounds like fun.
No, I really
better be going.

You're fast.

And agile.

(knocking at door)

Yes! Come in!

Oh! Oh!

Rebecca. Rebecca.
Rebecca.

Sam, I'm really glad to see you.

I'm just glad
I got here in time.

I mean, you see what
he's driving you to,

don't you? You're throwing
yourself at a man

just to gain
material things.

You know what that
makes you, don't you?

Ahead in the race to get a pool
room and two bathrooms.

Come on, Rebecca.

Yeah, you just stay out
of this will you, John?

Honey, go downstairs,

wipe that makeup off,
will you?

I tell you what,

why don't you put on
a nice dress or something,

maybe call your Mom.

Bet it's been a while,
hasn't it?

Yeah, yes,
Sam, it has.

Yeah, yeah.

Actually it's been a while
for me, too, Sam.

Thanks for spoiling what was
going to be a lovely evening.

That certainly
endears you to me.

I just have two words
for you, John.

What's that?
Twins.

Come on in, girls.

Here's Johnny!

How do you like
these, Johnny boy?

Go ahead and touch 'em.
They're real.

Oh, I just forgot
my...

Wha...

Who are they?
Uh...

this is not what you think.

Gee, we never met a big
Hollywood producer before.

All right, it's,
it's what you think.

Sam, Sam, look
at us.
I know, I know.

Do you know what
he's doing here?
Yeah.

He's playing us
against each other.

You're right.
This is disgusting.

You can't make us act
like this.

You know something? You can
keep those stupid old rooms.

All bets are off.
Come on, let's go.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

So did Sam explain the part
you'll be reading for?

Oh, Sam.

I can't believe you
could sink this low.

You should have seen me
in my prime.

JOHN:
Sam.

Oh, get out of here,
will you, Hill?

We don't want your type
around here anymore.

You're bad news.

Bad news.

I just came down to thank you

for introducing me
to Hope and Joy, Sam.

It's very hard to make friends
in a new town.

The least I can do is sell you

the pool room
and the bathrooms.

As I recall,
the last

offer was, uh, $30,000.

Yeah, but,

but I don't have $30,000.

How much do you have?

$5,000.

I'm sorry, Sam.
It's simply out of the question.

Yeah, but wait a minute,
I-I detailed your car.

Wait, wait
a minute, Sam.

You do have
$30,000.

Oh, wow.

Rebecca, you'd do this
for me?

I'd do this for us.

A business
partnership, Sam.

We should have thought of
it in the first place.

Oh, yeah.

Wh... yeah,
why didn't we?

Because you
were so busy

making those stupid
telethon jokes.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm gonna
miss those.

All right, listen.

Here's her check
and here's mine.

That makes $30,000.

Well, thank you
very much.

Enjoy your pool room.

Oh, and you should

rest well in the knowledge

that this $30,000 will pay
nicely for that screen test.

Good news, girls!

We're going to Hollywood!

BOTH:
Eww!