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1
00:00:02,173 --> 00:00:04,973
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
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00:00:29,573 --> 00:00:31,473
(car horn toots)
3
00:00:35,873 --> 00:00:37,673
(theme song begins)
4
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,373
¶ Sometimes you want to go
5
00:00:41,473 --> 00:00:45,273
¶ Where everybody
knows your name ¶
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00:00:47,173 --> 00:00:51,773
¶ And they're always
glad you came ¶
7
00:00:51,873 --> 00:00:54,073
¶ You wanna be
where you can see ¶
8
00:00:54,173 --> 00:00:56,673
¶ The troubles
are all the same ¶
9
00:00:56,673 --> 00:01:00,973
¶ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name. ¶
10
00:01:18,973 --> 00:01:20,373
All right, okay,
here's one.
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00:01:20,373 --> 00:01:22,773
Hayley Mills, playing
herself and her twin sister
12
00:01:22,873 --> 00:01:24,673
in The Parent Trap.
13
00:01:24,673 --> 00:01:25,873
All right, all right.
14
00:01:25,873 --> 00:01:27,273
Um, how
about Elizabeth Montgomery
15
00:01:27,273 --> 00:01:29,473
as both Serena and Samantha
in Bewitched?
16
00:01:29,473 --> 00:01:30,573
Ooh! Very nice!
Yeah. Yeah.
17
00:01:30,573 --> 00:01:31,973
All right.
Cliffy?
18
00:01:32,073 --> 00:01:35,373
Well, uh, Norm, I'd have to say
the, uh, queen of the genre,
19
00:01:35,373 --> 00:01:39,073
Patty Duke, as both Patty and,
uh, the minuet-lovin' Cathy.
20
00:01:39,073 --> 00:01:39,873
FRASIER:
Oh!
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00:01:39,973 --> 00:01:41,273
What's the topic du jour?
22
00:01:41,273 --> 00:01:43,073
Actresses who have played
their own look-alikes
23
00:01:43,173 --> 00:01:44,873
through the use
of trick photography?
24
00:01:44,873 --> 00:01:46,573
No. Fictional twins
we'd like to see
25
00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:48,073
making out
with each other.
26
00:01:48,173 --> 00:01:50,273
WOODY:
Hey, Sam,
27
00:01:50,273 --> 00:01:52,473
the new Boston
Merchants coupon
book is out,
28
00:01:52,573 --> 00:01:54,073
and I got us in it.
29
00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:55,773
Oh damn it, Woody!
30
00:01:55,773 --> 00:01:57,473
I hate that thing!
31
00:01:57,473 --> 00:02:00,073
Well, maybe you don't
understand how it works.
Yeah, I do.
32
00:02:00,073 --> 00:02:01,673
Guy comes in,
gives you a coupon.
33
00:02:01,773 --> 00:02:03,773
You give him a free drink,
he leaves,
34
00:02:03,873 --> 00:02:05,173
you never see him again.
35
00:02:05,273 --> 00:02:06,973
Well, then
you do understand.
36
00:02:08,773 --> 00:02:10,773
Woody...
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00:02:10,773 --> 00:02:12,373
Well, what, Sam?
38
00:02:12,473 --> 00:02:14,273
You think it
was a bad idea?
39
00:02:14,273 --> 00:02:16,373
You think I shouldn't
have done it?
40
00:02:16,373 --> 00:02:18,473
You think I'm a stupid
idiot, right?
41
00:02:18,473 --> 00:02:20,673
No, no, that's... Yes!
42
00:02:20,673 --> 00:02:22,973
Well, I...
I'm sorry, Sam.
43
00:02:23,073 --> 00:02:24,273
I just thought it
would attract
44
00:02:24,273 --> 00:02:25,873
new customers
to the bar.
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00:02:25,873 --> 00:02:27,973
Yeah, a-a bunch of
deadbeats and freeloaders.
46
00:02:27,973 --> 00:02:29,473
NORM:
Yeah.
47
00:02:29,473 --> 00:02:32,173
You don't want people
like that in here.
48
00:02:32,173 --> 00:02:35,073
Another beer,
please, Wood.
49
00:02:35,073 --> 00:02:36,973
Sam, that was John Allen Hill
on the phone.
50
00:02:36,973 --> 00:02:38,873
He's on his way down.
SAM:
No, no.
51
00:02:38,873 --> 00:02:41,073
I don't want to talk to him.
I hate that guy.
52
00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,573
Sam, be a good businessman.
He's our upstairs neighbor.
53
00:02:42,673 --> 00:02:43,773
We have to
live together.
54
00:02:43,773 --> 00:02:45,373
Just try to be
civil to him.
55
00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:47,873
All right, all right, all right,
I'll be good. I'll be good.
56
00:02:47,873 --> 00:02:49,273
You know, I get the feeling
sometimes
57
00:02:49,373 --> 00:02:50,573
he deliberately says things
just 'cause
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00:02:50,573 --> 00:02:52,273
he knows it's gonna
get under my skin.
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00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:53,573
Sam!
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00:02:53,573 --> 00:02:54,973
See? God...
61
00:02:54,973 --> 00:02:57,273
Sam, it appears
we have a problem.
62
00:02:57,273 --> 00:02:58,573
Do you know what this is?
63
00:02:58,673 --> 00:03:00,173
Yeah. Yeah, it looks
like a manicure.
64
00:03:00,273 --> 00:03:01,373
Nice one, too.
65
00:03:01,373 --> 00:03:02,573
Wait. Is that a...
66
00:03:02,573 --> 00:03:04,873
Is that clear polish,
or are they just buffed?
67
00:03:04,973 --> 00:03:07,073
They're just clean.
68
00:03:07,073 --> 00:03:08,273
Sam, I'm concerned.
69
00:03:08,373 --> 00:03:12,173
Are you aware that your bar
is featured in this coupon book?
70
00:03:12,273 --> 00:03:14,373
Yeah, I am.
Well, my concern
71
00:03:14,373 --> 00:03:15,673
is how this will
affect Melville's.
72
00:03:15,673 --> 00:03:18,173
I'm not anxious
to greet the type of person
73
00:03:18,273 --> 00:03:20,873
you're obviously
hoping to attract.
74
00:03:20,973 --> 00:03:21,873
What are you saying?
75
00:03:21,873 --> 00:03:23,473
You saying that
you're better than me?
76
00:03:23,573 --> 00:03:25,173
That your customers are
classier than mine?
77
00:03:25,173 --> 00:03:26,573
Well, they're not.
NORM:
Hey, Sammy?
78
00:03:26,673 --> 00:03:28,673
Will you settle a
bet for us, please?
79
00:03:28,673 --> 00:03:31,173
Which one of our breaths
smells most like tuna?
80
00:03:31,173 --> 00:03:32,573
Loser has to go through
the spanking machine.
81
00:03:32,673 --> 00:03:35,473
What do you want me to
do, walk over and check?
82
00:03:35,473 --> 00:03:37,373
I can tell you from here.
83
00:03:38,973 --> 00:03:40,173
Oh, yeah,
right, right.
84
00:03:40,173 --> 00:03:42,273
And none of your customers
have fish breath
85
00:03:42,273 --> 00:03:44,473
when they come walking
out of your restaurant?
86
00:03:44,573 --> 00:03:46,873
It's a seafood
restaurant, Sam.
87
00:03:46,973 --> 00:03:49,273
Ah, all right, so
you admit it, right?
88
00:03:49,273 --> 00:03:51,373
(grunting)
89
00:03:53,373 --> 00:03:56,573
Well, looks like
the big boy lost.
90
00:03:59,173 --> 00:04:01,073
Hi, guys.
91
00:04:01,073 --> 00:04:03,073
Hey, Carla, I got
a message for you.
92
00:04:03,173 --> 00:04:04,373
Your brother called.
93
00:04:04,473 --> 00:04:06,473
Something about
a family meeting.
94
00:04:06,473 --> 00:04:08,773
Oh, yeah?
95
00:04:08,773 --> 00:04:10,273
There!
96
00:04:10,273 --> 00:04:11,473
Uh, here's
your message.
97
00:04:11,573 --> 00:04:12,973
That was my paycheck.
98
00:04:18,373 --> 00:04:20,173
Carla, what's the problem?
Why are you so upset?
99
00:04:20,273 --> 00:04:22,273
Oh, I hate family meetings.
100
00:04:22,273 --> 00:04:25,273
They're nothing but a bunch
of complaining and infighting
101
00:04:25,273 --> 00:04:27,473
and bickering and backstabbing.
102
00:04:27,573 --> 00:04:29,073
And, of course,
103
00:04:29,073 --> 00:04:31,373
sweet little Carla has
to play the peacemaker.
104
00:04:31,473 --> 00:04:32,973
FRASIER:
Well,
105
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:35,073
I, for one, think
family meetings
106
00:04:35,073 --> 00:04:36,673
can be worthwhile
encounters.
107
00:04:36,673 --> 00:04:38,373
They encourage open
and honest communication
108
00:04:38,473 --> 00:04:39,773
among the generations.
109
00:04:39,773 --> 00:04:42,073
Did you have them
in your family
there, Fras?
110
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:43,273
No, I lucked out.
111
00:04:43,273 --> 00:04:45,673
My family didn't want
to be close.
112
00:04:45,673 --> 00:04:49,973
If you're lying to me, I'm gonna
rip out your slimy, gray tongue.
113
00:04:49,973 --> 00:04:51,073
Whoa.
114
00:04:51,173 --> 00:04:52,573
Sounds kind
of serious.
115
00:04:52,573 --> 00:04:54,373
It's my mother.
116
00:04:54,373 --> 00:04:56,073
Well, what's the matter
with her?
117
00:04:56,073 --> 00:04:57,873
She had the dream.
118
00:04:57,873 --> 00:04:59,573
What dream's that?
119
00:04:59,573 --> 00:05:00,773
The death dream.
120
00:05:00,773 --> 00:05:02,673
Whenever someone in
my family has it,
121
00:05:02,673 --> 00:05:05,673
you can just start
divvying up the jewelry.
122
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:07,273
REBECCA:
What exactly
123
00:05:07,273 --> 00:05:09,673
is this... death dream?
124
00:05:09,773 --> 00:05:11,373
FRASIER:
Yes,
125
00:05:11,373 --> 00:05:15,873
and, uh, why exactly
do you always do this...
126
00:05:15,973 --> 00:05:21,173
when you say,
"the death dream?"
127
00:05:21,173 --> 00:05:23,873
You just did it.
128
00:05:23,973 --> 00:05:25,873
Carry on.
129
00:05:28,173 --> 00:05:31,473
Well, the dream
is always the same.
130
00:05:31,473 --> 00:05:36,473
There's a casket on a slab
in an empty room.
131
00:05:36,473 --> 00:05:38,973
You walk slowly toward it.
132
00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:41,873
Suddenly, the
lid flies open.
133
00:05:41,973 --> 00:05:43,273
You see your
own face?
134
00:05:43,373 --> 00:05:44,573
No, you see these feet,
135
00:05:44,673 --> 00:05:46,573
'cause you're looking
at the wrong end.
136
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:50,073
Then, you look upward,
137
00:05:50,073 --> 00:05:52,073
and there's your own face,
138
00:05:52,073 --> 00:05:54,673
pale and bluish
with pennies over your eyes.
139
00:05:54,673 --> 00:05:57,173
And that's when you bolt up
in bed screaming.
140
00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:58,573
FRASIER:
Carla,
141
00:05:58,673 --> 00:06:00,273
death is an earthly
scientific passage
142
00:06:00,273 --> 00:06:02,873
predicted by either massive
physical injury
143
00:06:02,873 --> 00:06:04,873
or progressive
bodily deterioration.
144
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:08,773
There is as little validity
in a supposed death dream
145
00:06:08,773 --> 00:06:10,173
as there
is in the...
146
00:06:10,273 --> 00:06:13,573
clichéd image of death itself
as a grim, bloodless ghoul
147
00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:15,473
whose bony finger reaches out
148
00:06:15,573 --> 00:06:17,073
to tap you on the shoulder
when your number's up.
149
00:06:17,073 --> 00:06:19,273
Frasier, it's time
to go.
150
00:06:19,273 --> 00:06:20,373
(screams)
151
00:06:24,673 --> 00:06:26,273
Don't do that, woman!
152
00:06:26,273 --> 00:06:28,573
For God's sakes,
153
00:06:28,573 --> 00:06:29,773
put on some blush or...
154
00:06:34,873 --> 00:06:36,473
SAM:
Honey,
155
00:06:36,473 --> 00:06:37,273
it's kind of slow.
156
00:06:37,373 --> 00:06:38,773
Why-Why don't you
take the day off,
157
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:39,773
go see your mom, huh?
158
00:06:39,773 --> 00:06:40,773
Might I remind
you, Sam--
159
00:06:40,773 --> 00:06:42,573
my mother and I
don't exactly get along.
160
00:06:42,573 --> 00:06:44,173
You don't get along
with anybody.
161
00:06:44,173 --> 00:06:46,673
Yeah, well, this is
different, and shut up!
162
00:06:48,373 --> 00:06:51,273
The last time I saw my mother,
we had this terrible fight
163
00:06:51,373 --> 00:06:53,073
about this stupid
family thing,
164
00:06:53,073 --> 00:06:55,173
and I swore I
would never set foot
165
00:06:55,173 --> 00:06:56,773
in her lousy place again
166
00:06:56,773 --> 00:06:59,973
unless someone dragged me there
kicking and screaming.
167
00:06:59,973 --> 00:07:01,173
So, that's it, huh?
168
00:07:01,173 --> 00:07:03,073
You're damned right.
169
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,573
(clicks tongue)
170
00:07:05,573 --> 00:07:07,673
Drag me, Sammy.
171
00:07:07,673 --> 00:07:09,673
Really?
172
00:07:09,773 --> 00:07:12,473
Do it. Drag me.
173
00:07:12,573 --> 00:07:13,773
No! No! Cut it out!
174
00:07:13,873 --> 00:07:15,273
I don't want to go!
175
00:07:15,273 --> 00:07:18,273
No! No! I never want to see
that shriveled old bag again!
176
00:07:22,473 --> 00:07:23,773
No! Put me down!
177
00:07:23,773 --> 00:07:25,373
I don't
want to go!
178
00:07:25,373 --> 00:07:27,673
Oh, Carla, Carla!
179
00:07:27,773 --> 00:07:30,873
Oh, nobody would
believe you would come!
180
00:07:30,973 --> 00:07:33,473
Oh, your sister
is in there with
your mother now,
181
00:07:33,473 --> 00:07:35,473
and you go
next, yes?
182
00:07:35,473 --> 00:07:37,973
Oh, she will be so
happy to see you.
183
00:07:38,073 --> 00:07:39,373
Carla!
(laughs)
184
00:07:39,373 --> 00:07:41,873
Sam, you remember Zia,
the hugger.
185
00:07:41,873 --> 00:07:42,473
Yeah.
186
00:07:42,573 --> 00:07:43,573
Oh, Sam!
187
00:07:43,573 --> 00:07:44,873
Oh!
188
00:07:44,873 --> 00:07:46,473
MAN:
You guys
189
00:07:46,473 --> 00:07:47,773
want a beer?
190
00:07:47,873 --> 00:07:50,673
This is kind of
a solemn occasion, Sal.
191
00:07:50,773 --> 00:07:52,373
Malt liquor?
192
00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:54,273
I'll pass.
193
00:07:56,073 --> 00:07:57,773
So, Zia, how's Mom?
194
00:07:57,773 --> 00:08:01,373
Carla, what kind
of question is that?
195
00:08:01,373 --> 00:08:02,573
She had the dream.
196
00:08:03,873 --> 00:08:05,173
So, she's really sick, huh?
197
00:08:05,173 --> 00:08:06,973
No. She doesn't
have to be sick.
198
00:08:07,073 --> 00:08:08,273
She had the dream.
Oh...
199
00:08:08,373 --> 00:08:09,573
She'll be
dead soon.
200
00:08:09,673 --> 00:08:10,673
Have you had lunch?
201
00:08:12,573 --> 00:08:14,973
Uh, actually, yeah, I did.
202
00:08:14,973 --> 00:08:16,373
Oh, then this
is dinner.
203
00:08:16,373 --> 00:08:18,473
Oh, hey, thanks, Zia.
204
00:08:18,473 --> 00:08:21,073
Eat up, Sam.
Our family believes in,
205
00:08:21,073 --> 00:08:22,573
life is for the living.
206
00:08:22,573 --> 00:08:23,773
(laughs)
207
00:08:23,773 --> 00:08:25,273
Soon enough,
we'll all be dead,
208
00:08:25,373 --> 00:08:28,573
rotting in the ground,
with a mouth full of worms.
209
00:08:30,873 --> 00:08:32,673
Great linguini.
210
00:08:32,673 --> 00:08:34,373
Thank you, Zia.
211
00:08:34,373 --> 00:08:36,573
Oh, Carla,
your sister's finished.
212
00:08:36,673 --> 00:08:38,473
Bitch.
213
00:08:38,473 --> 00:08:39,873
Slut.
214
00:08:39,873 --> 00:08:42,073
Oh, it's nice
to see them talking.
215
00:08:56,073 --> 00:08:57,473
Mama.
216
00:08:57,473 --> 00:08:59,173
Angeline?
217
00:08:59,273 --> 00:09:01,373
No, Mama.
218
00:09:01,373 --> 00:09:02,973
It's Carla.
219
00:09:03,073 --> 00:09:04,573
Oh.
220
00:09:04,573 --> 00:09:07,173
My purse is
on the dresser.
221
00:09:10,873 --> 00:09:13,973
Mama, I didn't come here
for your money.
222
00:09:22,573 --> 00:09:24,573
I came because
I feel bad
223
00:09:24,673 --> 00:09:27,973
things got so ugly between us
the last time I was here.
224
00:09:27,973 --> 00:09:30,673
So, you've come to
say you're sorry.
225
00:09:30,673 --> 00:09:33,873
Well, I'm sorry we fought.
226
00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:35,773
Then you're sorry.
227
00:09:35,873 --> 00:09:37,373
I accept your apology.
228
00:09:37,373 --> 00:09:39,273
Good. I accept
your apology, too.
229
00:09:39,373 --> 00:09:40,773
I didn't say
I was sorry.
230
00:09:40,773 --> 00:09:42,373
Well, then,
I'm not sorry, either.
231
00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:44,473
Too late. I already
accepted your apology.
232
00:09:44,573 --> 00:09:45,673
Damn!
233
00:09:47,673 --> 00:09:49,773
So, here...
234
00:09:49,773 --> 00:09:53,073
now that we've made peace,
235
00:09:53,073 --> 00:09:55,173
I want you to have the ring
236
00:09:55,173 --> 00:09:56,973
that my mother gave to me,
237
00:09:56,973 --> 00:09:58,373
and her mother
238
00:09:58,373 --> 00:10:00,273
gave to her.
239
00:10:00,373 --> 00:10:02,073
Oh, Mama. The ring.
240
00:10:03,473 --> 00:10:05,573
What's this?
241
00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:07,573
I hocked it.
242
00:10:09,873 --> 00:10:11,673
Come.
243
00:10:18,273 --> 00:10:20,273
Oh, your father's hair.
244
00:10:26,473 --> 00:10:28,073
Sorry, Mom.
245
00:10:28,173 --> 00:10:30,173
And now, Carla,
246
00:10:30,273 --> 00:10:33,073
there is something
you must do for me.
247
00:10:33,073 --> 00:10:36,673
Oh, Mama, I know what
you're gonna ask me.
248
00:10:36,673 --> 00:10:38,773
We're just gonna get
into that same fight
249
00:10:38,773 --> 00:10:40,873
we had the last
time I was here.
250
00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:43,773
I... It... It's just
too much to ask.
251
00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:45,173
I can't do it.
252
00:10:45,173 --> 00:10:46,973
It's the family tradition.
253
00:10:46,973 --> 00:10:48,273
No.
254
00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:49,773
I did it.
255
00:10:49,773 --> 00:10:51,173
My mother did it.
256
00:10:51,273 --> 00:10:52,473
Her mother did it.
257
00:10:52,473 --> 00:10:54,173
Her mother did it
before her.
258
00:10:54,273 --> 00:10:55,373
I said no.
259
00:10:55,373 --> 00:10:56,873
I don't care
who did it.
260
00:10:56,973 --> 00:10:58,573
Her mother did it.
261
00:11:00,873 --> 00:11:02,573
Mama, I'm sorry.
262
00:11:02,573 --> 00:11:04,573
I'm sorry you had the dream.
263
00:11:04,573 --> 00:11:06,173
I'm sorry you're gonna die.
264
00:11:06,273 --> 00:11:09,573
I'm sorry the family tradition
is gonna die with you.
265
00:11:09,673 --> 00:11:11,673
But that is just
the way it is.
266
00:11:11,773 --> 00:11:15,573
I can't do this for anybody,
not even for my mama.
267
00:11:15,573 --> 00:11:17,673
Her mother did it.
268
00:11:19,973 --> 00:11:22,073
Oh...
269
00:11:22,073 --> 00:11:24,273
What's the matter, honey?
270
00:11:24,373 --> 00:11:26,173
Oh, Sammy, Sammy.
271
00:11:26,173 --> 00:11:30,773
It's this stupid
family tradition.
272
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:34,973
Since the beginning of time,
every woman in our family...
273
00:11:34,973 --> 00:11:36,473
who has children...
274
00:11:41,673 --> 00:11:43,973
...has named
one of her sons
275
00:11:43,973 --> 00:11:45,973
with the first name
of her father
276
00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:47,573
and the maiden name
of her mother.
277
00:11:47,573 --> 00:11:48,873
And I just wouldn't do it.
278
00:11:49,973 --> 00:11:51,873
I don't mean to take
your mother's side here,
279
00:11:51,873 --> 00:11:52,973
but what's
the big deal?
280
00:11:53,073 --> 00:11:54,173
It's just a name.
281
00:11:54,173 --> 00:11:56,273
Oh, yeah, sure,
just a name.
282
00:11:56,373 --> 00:11:58,873
Why, uh, what was your
father's first name?
283
00:11:58,873 --> 00:12:01,073
Benito.
284
00:12:01,173 --> 00:12:02,773
And your mother's
maiden name?
285
00:12:02,873 --> 00:12:04,773
Mussolini.
286
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:14,573
Yikes.
287
00:12:14,573 --> 00:12:16,973
Could I have some
more sauce, please?
288
00:12:18,073 --> 00:12:20,073
(Mama moaning)
289
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:21,673
ZIA (gasps):
The death walk.
290
00:12:21,673 --> 00:12:22,973
She's still here.
291
00:12:22,973 --> 00:12:27,673
I feel her presence
like a shiv in my heart.
292
00:12:27,673 --> 00:12:30,673
Mama.
293
00:12:30,673 --> 00:12:31,873
I'm not rejecting you.
294
00:12:31,873 --> 00:12:34,873
I just don't want to name
one of my sons Benito Mussolini.
295
00:12:34,873 --> 00:12:36,373
Why not?
296
00:12:36,373 --> 00:12:38,673
Because, back a few years,
297
00:12:38,673 --> 00:12:41,173
there was another
Benito Mussolini.
298
00:12:41,173 --> 00:12:42,273
Remember him?
299
00:12:42,273 --> 00:12:44,273
I don't see why one
Fascist dictator
300
00:12:44,373 --> 00:12:47,073
should ruin it for
the entire family.
301
00:12:48,873 --> 00:12:50,573
Mama, you are the only one
who even cares
302
00:12:50,673 --> 00:12:52,073
about that stupid name.
303
00:12:52,173 --> 00:12:54,273
Everybody else agrees
with me, right?
304
00:12:54,373 --> 00:12:55,773
Oh, you're
an ungrateful child.
305
00:12:55,873 --> 00:12:57,073
You make me sick.
306
00:12:58,473 --> 00:12:59,673
Bitch.
307
00:13:04,373 --> 00:13:05,973
Okay.
308
00:13:05,973 --> 00:13:08,473
Well, just forget all of you.
309
00:13:08,573 --> 00:13:09,673
I hate this family.
310
00:13:09,673 --> 00:13:10,973
I hate this house.
311
00:13:10,973 --> 00:13:14,173
I just never want
to come back here again.
312
00:13:14,173 --> 00:13:15,073
I swear it.
313
00:13:15,073 --> 00:13:16,873
I swear it a million times.
314
00:13:16,873 --> 00:13:20,373
I swear on my children's eyes,
I am never, ever, ever
315
00:13:20,373 --> 00:13:23,773
setting foot in this stupid,
ugly, stinkin' rattrap again.
316
00:13:33,773 --> 00:13:35,773
Well, there goes my ride.
317
00:13:51,712 --> 00:13:52,912
How can her mother expect her
318
00:13:52,912 --> 00:13:55,312
to name one of her kids
after Benito Mussolini?
319
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,312
Well, it could
have been worse.
320
00:13:57,412 --> 00:13:59,112
What if her father's name
had been Adolf?
321
00:13:59,112 --> 00:14:00,312
Yeah.
322
00:14:00,312 --> 00:14:01,312
Yeah, and her mother's
maiden name
323
00:14:01,312 --> 00:14:03,212
could have been Menjou.
324
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:07,312
Phew.
325
00:14:07,412 --> 00:14:10,412
She really dodged
the bullet there.
326
00:14:11,612 --> 00:14:12,812
Anyway, I gave her the day off
327
00:14:12,912 --> 00:14:14,912
so she could just go home
and cool out, you know.
328
00:14:14,912 --> 00:14:15,912
Well, very often
329
00:14:16,012 --> 00:14:17,312
that's the best thing
you can do
330
00:14:17,312 --> 00:14:19,412
when you're not getting along
with a family member.
331
00:14:19,412 --> 00:14:20,912
Remove yourself
entirely from them.
332
00:14:20,912 --> 00:14:22,512
Find some neutral place
333
00:14:22,512 --> 00:14:25,112
where you can take the time
you need to be away from them.
334
00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:26,612
You really
think so, Fras?
335
00:14:26,612 --> 00:14:28,312
Well, that's...
336
00:14:28,312 --> 00:14:30,512
that's why we're
all here, isn't it?
337
00:14:33,112 --> 00:14:34,212
Thank you very much.
338
00:14:34,312 --> 00:14:35,512
Great.
339
00:14:35,512 --> 00:14:37,612
Four more freebies,
340
00:14:37,612 --> 00:14:40,212
thanks to Woody's
stupid coupon book.
341
00:14:43,912 --> 00:14:45,112
I'm sorry, Woody.
342
00:14:45,112 --> 00:14:47,012
I didn't see you there.
343
00:14:49,712 --> 00:14:51,412
Of course I'm there.
344
00:14:51,512 --> 00:14:53,312
I'm always there.
345
00:14:53,312 --> 00:14:55,312
Wherever there's
a stupid idea,
346
00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:56,812
that's where
you'll find me.
347
00:14:56,812 --> 00:15:00,012
Stupid old Woody Boyd--
348
00:15:00,012 --> 00:15:01,612
father of stupid thoughts,
349
00:15:01,712 --> 00:15:04,612
eye of the stupid storm.
350
00:15:04,712 --> 00:15:07,712
I've got to be the stupidest guy
on the face of the Earth.
351
00:15:07,912 --> 00:15:10,012
Woody, please
don't say that.
Why not?
352
00:15:10,112 --> 00:15:13,112
Because you are giving
me a stupid headache.
353
00:15:13,212 --> 00:15:14,712
Welcome to my private hell.
354
00:15:19,312 --> 00:15:21,212
Hi, Sam.
355
00:15:21,312 --> 00:15:23,112
How are you doing, honey?
Better.
356
00:15:23,212 --> 00:15:24,512
I went home,
357
00:15:24,612 --> 00:15:26,412
went to my bedroom,
shut off all the lights
358
00:15:26,512 --> 00:15:28,512
and laid down on my bed.
359
00:15:28,512 --> 00:15:32,312
Then... I started thinking.
360
00:15:32,412 --> 00:15:34,712
What if I was dying
and Serafina refused to do
361
00:15:34,712 --> 00:15:36,512
the one thing
that meant the most to me.
362
00:15:36,612 --> 00:15:37,812
How would I feel?
363
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:40,112
So you apologized
to your mother?
364
00:15:40,112 --> 00:15:43,412
No. I went out and
yelled at Serafina.
365
00:15:43,412 --> 00:15:45,312
I felt a lot better.
366
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:47,612
So I went and yelled
at all the rest of the kids.
367
00:15:47,612 --> 00:15:49,112
Then I started thinking,
368
00:15:49,112 --> 00:15:50,812
why should I be
having all this fun
369
00:15:50,912 --> 00:15:52,312
when my mom's dying?
370
00:15:52,312 --> 00:15:56,112
So I decided I had to try
to do something for her.
371
00:15:56,112 --> 00:15:59,212
Well, I've got a bunch
of these coupon books left.
372
00:15:59,312 --> 00:16:02,012
They're only good
for a month,
373
00:16:02,012 --> 00:16:04,712
but I guess in her case,
that doesn't matter.
374
00:16:06,812 --> 00:16:08,712
Anyway, all the
kids were there,
375
00:16:08,812 --> 00:16:10,612
so I figured it wouldn't
hurt to ask them
376
00:16:10,612 --> 00:16:13,412
if anyone would fulfill their
grandmother's dying wish
377
00:16:13,512 --> 00:16:16,612
and change their name
to Benito Mussolini.
378
00:16:16,612 --> 00:16:17,712
Any takers?
379
00:16:17,712 --> 00:16:18,712
No.
380
00:16:18,712 --> 00:16:21,412
But I got two Madonnas
and an MC Hammer.
381
00:16:21,512 --> 00:16:22,912
Well,
382
00:16:22,912 --> 00:16:23,912
that's that.
383
00:16:24,012 --> 00:16:25,812
I tried everything I can.
384
00:16:25,812 --> 00:16:29,312
She didn't try
the coupons.
385
00:16:29,312 --> 00:16:30,512
Sam?
386
00:16:30,612 --> 00:16:33,112
God, I hate it
when he says that.
387
00:16:33,112 --> 00:16:36,212
What? What? What're you gonna
nitpick this time?
388
00:16:36,312 --> 00:16:37,912
What, am I mixing my drinks
too loud?
389
00:16:37,912 --> 00:16:39,712
Am I using the wrong kind
of lightbulb?
390
00:16:39,812 --> 00:16:42,212
Oh, excuse me, maybe
some of my bar air
391
00:16:42,212 --> 00:16:45,012
accidentally wafted up
to your establishment.
392
00:16:45,012 --> 00:16:47,712
Sam, you're on
the defensive.
393
00:16:47,812 --> 00:16:49,612
I'm not on the defensive,
and you say that again,
394
00:16:49,612 --> 00:16:52,012
I'm gonna pull the last
three hairs off your head.
395
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:55,212
Sam, I merely came down
to apologize
396
00:16:55,312 --> 00:16:58,412
for my intrusive
behavior earlier today.
397
00:16:58,412 --> 00:16:59,812
Really?
398
00:16:59,812 --> 00:17:01,212
Yes.
399
00:17:01,212 --> 00:17:02,712
I know I'd be resentful
if someone implied
400
00:17:02,812 --> 00:17:04,812
that I should run my business
in a particular way.
401
00:17:04,912 --> 00:17:07,512
It was out of line
for me to do so with you.
402
00:17:07,612 --> 00:17:08,712
Oh.
403
00:17:08,712 --> 00:17:10,512
Well... thank you.
404
00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:13,212
I'm sorry, I am
a little defensive.
405
00:17:13,312 --> 00:17:14,212
Well, no harm done.
406
00:17:14,212 --> 00:17:16,112
In fact, to clear the air,
407
00:17:16,112 --> 00:17:18,612
I'd like to buy a round
of drinks for everyone here.
408
00:17:18,612 --> 00:17:21,212
(cheering)
409
00:17:21,312 --> 00:17:24,012
Here you are, Sam.
410
00:17:24,112 --> 00:17:27,012
I think this should cover it.
411
00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:29,612
Oh, and I'd like
one of your special martinis
412
00:17:29,612 --> 00:17:32,012
I've heard so much about.
413
00:17:32,112 --> 00:17:35,212
Oh, I'm out of coupons.
414
00:17:35,212 --> 00:17:37,912
Well, then, never mind.
415
00:17:39,812 --> 00:17:41,412
Hey, Ma.
416
00:17:41,412 --> 00:17:43,512
Gino, what are you doing here?
417
00:17:43,512 --> 00:17:44,912
Well, Ma, I was thinking about
all that stuff you said,
418
00:17:45,012 --> 00:17:47,012
you know about-about
making Grandma happy,
419
00:17:47,112 --> 00:17:49,812
and I was talking it over
with MC and the Madonnas,
420
00:17:49,812 --> 00:17:52,112
and I figured, heck,
421
00:17:52,212 --> 00:17:54,212
if it'll keep
this family together,
422
00:17:54,312 --> 00:17:55,712
someone's gotta do it.
423
00:17:55,712 --> 00:17:59,812
Ma, I'll be Benito Mussolini.
424
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,012
Look, Gino,
425
00:18:02,112 --> 00:18:05,212
do you even have any
idea who Mussolini was?
426
00:18:05,212 --> 00:18:07,112
Well, no, I didn't before,
427
00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:08,912
but then Anthony told me
all about him.
428
00:18:08,912 --> 00:18:11,012
Ma, this guy
ran this whole country.
429
00:18:11,012 --> 00:18:13,312
And do you know
what they called him?
430
00:18:13,412 --> 00:18:15,212
They called him Il Duce.
431
00:18:15,212 --> 00:18:17,512
Huh? The Dooch.
432
00:18:18,312 --> 00:18:20,912
Hey, yeah, that's right.
433
00:18:20,912 --> 00:18:23,412
It's me-- Dooch Tortelli.
434
00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:26,412
That is a horrible name,
435
00:18:26,512 --> 00:18:28,012
and I never want
to hear it again.
436
00:18:28,012 --> 00:18:29,112
It sounds awful.
(phone ringing)
437
00:18:29,112 --> 00:18:31,012
I hate that name,
and I hate Mama
438
00:18:31,112 --> 00:18:32,812
for asking me
to give it to you.
439
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:33,912
Okay.
440
00:18:34,012 --> 00:18:35,012
Carla, that was your brother.
441
00:18:35,112 --> 00:18:36,712
He said to get over there
right away.
442
00:18:36,712 --> 00:18:37,712
Your mother's going fast.
443
00:18:38,712 --> 00:18:41,112
No.
444
00:18:41,112 --> 00:18:43,312
I swore I'd never go back
in that house again.
445
00:18:43,312 --> 00:18:44,712
I have my pride.
446
00:18:44,712 --> 00:18:46,612
Okay.
447
00:18:46,712 --> 00:18:49,112
Gino, want to grab her feet--
I'll get the rest of her.
448
00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:52,112
Come here, come here,
come on, come on, come on.
449
00:18:52,212 --> 00:18:53,912
No! No! Put me down!
450
00:18:53,912 --> 00:18:55,512
Put me down!
I don't want to go!
451
00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,312
Would you hoist me
a little higher, guys?
452
00:18:57,312 --> 00:19:00,512
I'd like to have some butt left
when I get there.
453
00:19:11,312 --> 00:19:12,612
Oh, no.
454
00:19:12,712 --> 00:19:14,212
I'm too late.
455
00:19:19,712 --> 00:19:21,612
Oh, Mama.
456
00:19:21,612 --> 00:19:23,512
Oh, Mama, I'm sorry.
457
00:19:23,512 --> 00:19:27,412
Please forgive me.
458
00:19:27,412 --> 00:19:29,812
I hope you can hear me.
459
00:19:29,812 --> 00:19:33,012
I hope you can rest now.
460
00:19:33,112 --> 00:19:34,612
I swear
461
00:19:34,612 --> 00:19:36,112
on your memory,
462
00:19:36,212 --> 00:19:39,912
that my Gino is now named
463
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,112
Benito Mussolini.
464
00:19:42,212 --> 00:19:43,912
Well, it's about time.
465
00:19:44,912 --> 00:19:48,112
I was getting bedsores.
466
00:19:48,112 --> 00:19:50,312
You're not dead.
467
00:19:50,312 --> 00:19:51,812
You're not dead at all.
468
00:19:51,812 --> 00:19:54,112
You were never dying.
469
00:19:54,112 --> 00:19:56,512
You just did
this to trick me.
470
00:19:56,512 --> 00:19:58,412
And you were
all in on it.
471
00:19:58,512 --> 00:20:00,212
We listen to our mother.
472
00:20:00,212 --> 00:20:01,912
And we thought
it would be funny.
473
00:20:01,912 --> 00:20:03,412
GINO:
Ma! No, Ma!
474
00:20:08,212 --> 00:20:10,612
You, you never even
had the dream.
475
00:20:10,612 --> 00:20:12,812
You just did this
to trick me
476
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:14,712
into getting to name
my kid that stupid name.
477
00:20:14,712 --> 00:20:15,912
I had to.
478
00:20:16,012 --> 00:20:18,312
You're stubborn as your
grandmother's mule,
479
00:20:18,412 --> 00:20:21,412
who, incidentally,
you were named after.
480
00:20:23,412 --> 00:20:26,812
I honor tradition.
481
00:20:26,912 --> 00:20:28,912
Yeah, well, I'm gonna
give you something to honor
482
00:20:29,012 --> 00:20:30,412
right in the labonz!
483
00:20:30,512 --> 00:20:31,812
Ladies, ladies, please, please.
484
00:20:31,812 --> 00:20:32,912
Please.
Stay out of this,
485
00:20:32,912 --> 00:20:35,012
if you know what's
good for you, Paddy.
486
00:20:38,312 --> 00:20:39,512
Listen,
I may be old,
487
00:20:39,512 --> 00:20:42,012
but I can still instruct
others to hurt you.
488
00:20:42,112 --> 00:20:43,012
Benito,
kick your mother
489
00:20:43,112 --> 00:20:45,312
in the teeth for me.
Okay, Grandma.
490
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,212
Don't you order...
491
00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:49,512
Don't you order my son around.
492
00:20:49,512 --> 00:20:52,612
Gino, go punch your
grandma in the kidneys.
493
00:20:52,612 --> 00:20:54,012
Okay, Ma.
494
00:20:54,012 --> 00:20:54,912
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
495
00:20:55,012 --> 00:20:56,512
You, you're big,
496
00:20:56,612 --> 00:20:57,812
throw Carla out the window.
497
00:20:57,812 --> 00:21:01,012
No, I'm not gonna throw
her out the window.
498
00:21:01,112 --> 00:21:02,612
All right.
499
00:21:02,612 --> 00:21:04,812
I'll do it, sick as I am.
500
00:21:04,812 --> 00:21:08,312
Please, please, I...
501
00:21:08,312 --> 00:21:10,612
Mrs. Lozupone, I don't mean
to be disrespectful here,
502
00:21:10,612 --> 00:21:12,212
but, you know,
you're not being fair.
503
00:21:12,212 --> 00:21:13,512
You're asking
your daughter here
504
00:21:13,512 --> 00:21:16,612
to-to name her son
after a very bad man.
505
00:21:16,612 --> 00:21:17,912
And-and you faked death
506
00:21:17,912 --> 00:21:19,212
to get her to do it.
507
00:21:19,212 --> 00:21:21,512
I mean, these are
not your, uh...
508
00:21:21,512 --> 00:21:24,812
typical mother things.
509
00:21:24,912 --> 00:21:28,612
Are you saying I'm a bad mother?
510
00:21:28,712 --> 00:21:30,412
Well, yeah, in this
case, yeah, I am.
511
00:21:30,512 --> 00:21:31,812
(all gasping)
512
00:21:31,912 --> 00:21:32,912
CARLA:
Sam.
513
00:21:33,012 --> 00:21:34,512
What?
514
00:21:34,512 --> 00:21:36,612
You insulted my mother.
515
00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:38,012
In her own house.
516
00:21:38,112 --> 00:21:41,712
With the food that we
cooked over her deathbed
517
00:21:41,712 --> 00:21:43,712
still stuck
in your teeth.
518
00:21:43,812 --> 00:21:45,012
Is that bad?
519
00:21:45,012 --> 00:21:47,612
(all hissing)
520
00:21:50,312 --> 00:21:52,612
(hissing continues)
521
00:21:56,512 --> 00:21:57,612
That's great, Carla.
522
00:21:57,612 --> 00:21:59,212
I'm glad
you guys made up.
523
00:21:59,312 --> 00:22:03,012
Well, his name
is now Benito Mussolini.
524
00:22:03,012 --> 00:22:05,612
Call him Gino, for short.
525
00:22:05,612 --> 00:22:08,812
Yeah, she sounds
so happy.
526
00:22:08,812 --> 00:22:10,712
She said that's the first time
they've all sat down
527
00:22:10,712 --> 00:22:12,012
to a family dinner in years.
528
00:22:12,012 --> 00:22:14,012
They ate, they laughed,
529
00:22:14,112 --> 00:22:15,812
they even
got up and danced.
530
00:22:15,812 --> 00:22:17,512
Those Italian families
sound so warm.
531
00:22:17,612 --> 00:22:20,112
Yeah, I know
what you mean, Woody.
532
00:22:20,112 --> 00:22:22,712
Gee, I often wish that I was
a member of an ethnic group.
533
00:22:22,812 --> 00:22:25,212
Oh, it's...
534
00:22:27,212 --> 00:22:29,612
Oh, it's just as well.
535
00:22:29,612 --> 00:22:31,812
I hate hugging.
536
00:22:33,012 --> 00:22:35,212
Frasier, it's time to go.
537
00:22:35,312 --> 00:22:38,512
Boy, I-I sure married
the right woman.
538
00:22:47,312 --> 00:22:48,612
Good-bye, Mama.
539
00:22:48,612 --> 00:22:50,212
I love you.
Mmm.
540
00:22:50,212 --> 00:22:51,212
See you next week.
541
00:22:51,212 --> 00:22:54,412
Oh, wait a minute,
I almost forgot something.
542
00:22:59,912 --> 00:23:01,412
Good night, Sammy.
543
00:23:01,412 --> 00:23:03,612
(muffled):
Carla, please let
me out. Please.
544
00:23:03,612 --> 00:23:05,812
Sammy, would you
stop whining?
545
00:23:05,912 --> 00:23:07,412
It's a family tradition.
546
00:23:07,512 --> 00:23:09,812
You cross Mama,
you sleep in the wall.
547
00:23:09,912 --> 00:23:12,212
(muffled shouting)37507
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