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1
00:00:02,818 --> 00:00:05,018
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
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00:00:06,218 --> 00:00:07,418
CLIFF:
Oh-- here's Sam.
3
00:00:07,418 --> 00:00:08,818
CARLA: Oh, come on, Sammy.
Hey, Sammy.
4
00:00:08,918 --> 00:00:10,718
Sammy, open up.
It's freezing!
5
00:00:10,718 --> 00:00:11,718
SAM:
Hey, what are you guys standing
around for?
6
00:00:11,818 --> 00:00:12,718
How come somebody
didn't let you in?
7
00:00:12,818 --> 00:00:13,918
CARLA:
I left my keys home.
8
00:00:14,018 --> 00:00:15,718
SAM:
Oh, no, I was
counting on yours.
9
00:00:15,818 --> 00:00:17,018
REBECCA:
I left mine
in the office.
10
00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:18,118
Hurry up! It's cold!
11
00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:20,218
Well, how are
we gonna get in here?
12
00:00:20,218 --> 00:00:21,818
NORM:
'Morning, everybody.
OTHERS: Norm!
13
00:00:21,818 --> 00:00:24,518
(keys jangling)
NORM:
Sorry I'm late.
14
00:00:28,518 --> 00:00:31,018
(theme song begins)
15
00:00:33,718 --> 00:00:35,918
¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶
16
00:00:36,018 --> 00:00:39,018
¶ Takes everything you've got ¶
17
00:00:39,118 --> 00:00:41,818
¶ Takin' a break
from all your worries ¶
18
00:00:41,918 --> 00:00:44,718
¶ Sure would help a lot
19
00:00:44,818 --> 00:00:48,418
¶ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ¶
20
00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:53,418
¶ Sometimes you want to go
21
00:00:53,518 --> 00:00:56,718
¶ Where everybody
knows your name ¶
22
00:00:58,818 --> 00:01:02,618
¶ And they're always
glad you came ¶
23
00:01:02,718 --> 00:01:05,618
¶ You wanna be
where you can see ¶
24
00:01:05,718 --> 00:01:08,418
¶ The troubles
are all the same ¶
25
00:01:08,518 --> 00:01:12,418
¶ You wanna be where everybody
knows your name ¶
26
00:01:13,918 --> 00:01:16,018
¶ You wanna go
where people know ¶
27
00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:18,718
¶ People are all the same
28
00:01:18,718 --> 00:01:22,718
¶ You wanna go where everybody
knows your name. ¶
29
00:01:40,455 --> 00:01:42,855
(grunts)
30
00:01:42,855 --> 00:01:44,255
Sorry I took so long
getting here this morning.
31
00:01:44,355 --> 00:01:46,155
Sam, you know, this is
the fourth time this week
32
00:01:46,355 --> 00:01:47,655
that you've been late.
33
00:01:47,755 --> 00:01:50,455
As a responsible businessman
and the owner of this bar,
34
00:01:50,555 --> 00:01:51,855
you owe it to yourself
to stick
35
00:01:51,855 --> 00:01:53,555
to a more responsible schedule,
you know.
36
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:54,855
Absolutely.
37
00:01:54,855 --> 00:01:57,455
If the post office ran
its business the way
you run yours...
38
00:01:57,555 --> 00:01:59,155
Never mind.
39
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:02,955
I have a good excuse this time.
40
00:02:03,055 --> 00:02:05,055
I'm being treated
by a dermatologist.
41
00:02:05,255 --> 00:02:06,455
Is it anything serious?
42
00:02:06,555 --> 00:02:07,555
No, no, no...
I just told her
43
00:02:07,655 --> 00:02:09,555
that I had a patch of dry skin,
44
00:02:09,655 --> 00:02:11,355
and we stayed up all night
looking for it.
45
00:02:14,155 --> 00:02:16,055
Found it, too--
four times, by golly.
46
00:02:16,055 --> 00:02:19,655
Sammy, uh, can we stick
to the topic at hand, please?
47
00:02:19,755 --> 00:02:20,955
Yeah, Sam. I don't mean to make
any threats here,
48
00:02:21,055 --> 00:02:22,455
but Gary's Old Towne Tavern
already opens
49
00:02:22,555 --> 00:02:24,455
a half-hour before you do.
50
00:02:24,570 --> 00:02:25,870
And how do we know that, Norm?
51
00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:28,770
Hey, who's on
trial here, huh?
52
00:02:28,870 --> 00:02:29,870
Hey, everybody.
53
00:02:29,970 --> 00:02:30,970
Hey, Woody...
54
00:02:31,070 --> 00:02:32,470
You won't believe this.
55
00:02:32,523 --> 00:02:35,123
I just found out
that on cable TV,
56
00:02:35,223 --> 00:02:37,123
they have this channel
where they show you stuff
57
00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:41,923
and you can buy it any hour
of the day, any day of the week.
58
00:02:43,323 --> 00:02:45,623
How did we live before?
59
00:02:45,723 --> 00:02:46,723
Yeah, yeah.
Home Shopping Channel--
60
00:02:46,823 --> 00:02:48,323
Ma loves it,
she's always watching it.
61
00:02:48,451 --> 00:02:50,651
She's always saying, "If I had
a rich son, he'd buy me this,
62
00:02:50,751 --> 00:02:52,351
If I had a rich son,
he'd buy me that."
63
00:02:52,451 --> 00:02:54,851
Who do you think bought her
the TV in the first place?
64
00:02:54,851 --> 00:02:55,551
You, Cliffie?
65
00:02:55,651 --> 00:02:57,151
No, but if I find the guy,
66
00:02:57,251 --> 00:02:59,051
I'm gonna shove that clicker
down his throat.
67
00:03:00,851 --> 00:03:02,851
Look at this--
I already got my first package.
68
00:03:02,951 --> 00:03:04,151
Yeah?
69
00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:06,051
Huh?
70
00:03:06,151 --> 00:03:08,251
It's a toy car...
71
00:03:08,351 --> 00:03:13,451
and also rewinds videotapes.
72
00:03:13,551 --> 00:03:16,051
Now, uh, wouldn't a VCR
rewind tapes?
73
00:03:16,151 --> 00:03:18,951
Uh, not the one I bought
last night.
74
00:03:19,051 --> 00:03:20,351
REBECCA:
Excuse me,
75
00:03:20,351 --> 00:03:22,051
Carla.
76
00:03:22,051 --> 00:03:23,651
Did you read my last memo?
77
00:03:23,651 --> 00:03:25,151
No.
78
00:03:25,351 --> 00:03:26,551
Well, if you had read it,
you would know
79
00:03:26,551 --> 00:03:28,851
that we are no longer accepting
time cards made out in pencil.
80
00:03:28,851 --> 00:03:30,351
From now on,
81
00:03:30,551 --> 00:03:31,951
all paperwork must be done
in ink.
82
00:03:32,051 --> 00:03:33,351
Okay.
83
00:03:33,351 --> 00:03:35,051
Did you hear me?
84
00:03:35,151 --> 00:03:37,351
Are you acknowledging my memo?
85
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,651
I heard you!
I acknowledge
the damn memo!
86
00:03:39,751 --> 00:03:42,251
Now would you get out of my face
so I can finish this time card?
87
00:03:42,251 --> 00:03:43,651
I mean, this isn't easy,
you know.
88
00:03:43,751 --> 00:03:46,051
My pencil's
almost down to the nub.
89
00:03:47,951 --> 00:03:50,851
Well, as long as you're aware
of the problem.
90
00:03:52,451 --> 00:03:54,951
Oy... that's something,
eh, Norm?
91
00:03:55,051 --> 00:03:56,551
Remember the good old days?
92
00:03:56,551 --> 00:03:58,851
When you used to be able to take
an argument like that
93
00:03:58,951 --> 00:04:02,251
between two gals and turn them
into the Jets and the Sharks?
94
00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:04,851
Tell you what, Cliffie,
95
00:04:04,951 --> 00:04:09,251
for you, I'm gonna
tee it up one more time.
96
00:04:09,351 --> 00:04:11,551
All right.
Watch this.
97
00:04:14,051 --> 00:04:15,451
Rebecca, uh,
98
00:04:15,451 --> 00:04:18,251
I noticed your
little exchange with
Carla over there,
99
00:04:18,351 --> 00:04:21,051
and I have to say, I admire
your management technique.
100
00:04:21,151 --> 00:04:22,651
Thank you very
much, Norm.
101
00:04:22,751 --> 00:04:25,551
It takes a lot of courage,
you know, to humiliate yourself
102
00:04:25,651 --> 00:04:28,151
just for the well-being
of one employee.
103
00:04:28,251 --> 00:04:29,651
If you were a Japanese
businessman,
104
00:04:29,651 --> 00:04:32,451
I mean, to lose face like that,
you'd probably have to
105
00:04:32,451 --> 00:04:34,451
commit some sort
of ritual suicide, you know?
106
00:04:34,451 --> 00:04:35,751
But here in America...
107
00:04:35,851 --> 00:04:37,051
Carla!
108
00:04:37,251 --> 00:04:38,451
Come in my office,
109
00:04:38,551 --> 00:04:40,551
bring that time card
and a pen.
110
00:04:41,751 --> 00:04:43,751
I'd better be
getting a raise.
111
00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:45,751
(door closing)
112
00:04:45,951 --> 00:04:48,151
CLIFF:
Oh,
113
00:04:48,251 --> 00:04:50,251
the master returns
from his triumphal march
114
00:04:50,251 --> 00:04:52,951
to the valley of evil.
115
00:04:53,851 --> 00:04:55,551
I got a raise.
116
00:04:56,751 --> 00:04:59,451
Frasier, darling,
today is
117
00:04:59,551 --> 00:05:01,351
our monthly luncheon
with the Psychoanalytic
118
00:05:01,351 --> 00:05:03,351
and Social Therapeutic
Practitioners Society.
119
00:05:03,451 --> 00:05:04,751
Have you forgotten?
120
00:05:04,751 --> 00:05:06,951
Well, let me finish this
double, and I might.
121
00:05:07,051 --> 00:05:09,251
Now, Doctor...
122
00:05:09,251 --> 00:05:11,251
Yeah, well, Lilith,
I really can't stand
123
00:05:11,251 --> 00:05:13,451
another dry,
endless luncheon
124
00:05:13,451 --> 00:05:15,351
in some stuffy
old restaurant.
125
00:05:15,451 --> 00:05:16,751
Pretty boring,
huh, Fras?
126
00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:18,851
Well, let me put
it this way, Sam.
127
00:05:18,951 --> 00:05:20,251
Lilith is the
Dorothy Parker
128
00:05:20,251 --> 00:05:21,751
of this particular
roundtable.
129
00:05:21,851 --> 00:05:23,251
Come on, Frasier,
let's go.
130
00:05:23,351 --> 00:05:25,751
All right, but I
won't enjoy it.
131
00:05:25,851 --> 00:05:27,251
Hey, Norm, go ahead,
make them fight.
132
00:05:27,351 --> 00:05:28,651
Oh, you do
it, come on.
133
00:05:28,651 --> 00:05:30,051
Me?
Yeah.
134
00:05:30,151 --> 00:05:31,851
CLIFF:
Hey, Fras, you
think Carla should be
135
00:05:31,951 --> 00:05:34,151
filling out the time card
with a pen or a pencil?
136
00:05:34,151 --> 00:05:36,251
I can see
137
00:05:36,351 --> 00:05:38,551
why you can't tear yourself
away from this place.
138
00:05:39,551 --> 00:05:41,451
All right, all right,
all right.
139
00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:43,051
So I'm not you.
140
00:05:43,151 --> 00:05:44,251
Cliffie, come on now.
141
00:05:44,351 --> 00:05:45,451
Buck up, buddy.
142
00:05:45,451 --> 00:05:46,751
You're, you're just
warming up here.
143
00:05:46,851 --> 00:05:49,751
You got to start out with
an easy one first, huh?
144
00:05:49,851 --> 00:05:51,251
Yeah.
Look, there's...
there's Paul!
145
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:51,951
There's Paul.
Hey, Hey, Paul!
146
00:05:51,951 --> 00:05:54,251
Shut up, fathead!
147
00:06:00,651 --> 00:06:02,051
Hey, guys.
148
00:06:02,151 --> 00:06:03,551
Hey, Wood.
149
00:06:03,551 --> 00:06:07,051
Look what I just got
on the shopping channel.
150
00:06:08,551 --> 00:06:11,151
Now, there's
only about 2,000
151
00:06:11,151 --> 00:06:13,751
of these little
babies left, so...
152
00:06:13,751 --> 00:06:15,751
a word to the wise.
153
00:06:20,851 --> 00:06:22,351
Well?
154
00:06:22,451 --> 00:06:24,251
Well, that's, uh...
155
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:26,651
It's beautiful, Woody.
156
00:06:26,751 --> 00:06:28,451
It's a beautiful cow.
157
00:06:28,451 --> 00:06:30,251
Yeah.
158
00:06:30,351 --> 00:06:32,851
I'll say, and that's not
the best part of it.
159
00:06:32,951 --> 00:06:34,551
It's also a great clock.
160
00:06:34,651 --> 00:06:35,751
(click)
161
00:06:35,751 --> 00:06:36,951
MALE VOICE:
It's...
162
00:06:37,051 --> 00:06:38,651
(imitating cow bellow):
...noon.
163
00:06:43,251 --> 00:06:45,151
What, um...
164
00:06:45,251 --> 00:06:47,151
What happens if
it's 7:00 o'clock?
165
00:06:47,251 --> 00:06:49,151
Well,
166
00:06:49,251 --> 00:06:52,051
a cow's power of speech are
kind of limited, you know.
167
00:06:52,151 --> 00:06:54,251
Everything kind of
sounds like...
168
00:06:54,351 --> 00:06:57,351
(imitates cow
bellowing):
...noon.
169
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,551
How do you ever know
what time it is?
170
00:06:59,751 --> 00:07:01,451
Well, it helps if
you wear a watch.
171
00:07:08,551 --> 00:07:10,551
I think it's, um...
172
00:07:10,651 --> 00:07:12,351
I think it's nice, Woody.
173
00:07:12,451 --> 00:07:13,551
Really?
174
00:07:13,651 --> 00:07:15,751
Yeah.
175
00:07:15,751 --> 00:07:17,751
It's yours.
176
00:07:18,651 --> 00:07:20,351
Oh, no, Woody.
177
00:07:20,451 --> 00:07:21,651
I-I-I... I real...
I couldn't.
178
00:07:21,751 --> 00:07:22,951
Miss Howe,
179
00:07:22,951 --> 00:07:24,351
I've been to
your apartment.
180
00:07:24,351 --> 00:07:25,751
Take the cow.
181
00:07:27,551 --> 00:07:30,151
I know you fellows favor
a more formal atmosphere,
182
00:07:30,151 --> 00:07:31,951
but allow me
to charm you
183
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,751
with the quaint
hospitality of
184
00:07:33,851 --> 00:07:35,451
my friendly
neighborhood tavern.
185
00:07:35,551 --> 00:07:36,451
Excuse me, Frasier.
186
00:07:36,551 --> 00:07:37,751
I have to go check
my messages.
187
00:07:37,851 --> 00:07:40,151
You got one
from Madame Tussauds.
188
00:07:40,151 --> 00:07:42,151
"Get back
to the museum."
189
00:07:44,751 --> 00:07:46,051
Champagne for everyone, Sam.
190
00:07:46,151 --> 00:07:47,451
Oh!
191
00:07:47,451 --> 00:07:49,251
I'm trying to convince
my esteemed colleagues
192
00:07:49,351 --> 00:07:52,651
to move their monthly meetings
to your fine establishment.
193
00:07:52,751 --> 00:07:53,951
Oh, hey, thanks.
That's great.
194
00:07:54,051 --> 00:07:56,951
Uh, my, uh, gold card
195
00:07:57,051 --> 00:07:59,251
should keep the, uh...
the bubbly flowing.
196
00:07:59,351 --> 00:08:01,351
(laughs)
197
00:08:01,451 --> 00:08:03,751
NORM:
Cliffie, the master
has a thought.
198
00:08:03,751 --> 00:08:05,151
CLIFF:
Yes?
199
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:07,851
One might wonder what
would happen if, uh,
200
00:08:07,951 --> 00:08:09,951
we called a certain
credit card company
201
00:08:10,051 --> 00:08:12,051
and reported that
number as stolen.
202
00:08:12,151 --> 00:08:15,351
Then when a certain
bartender tried
203
00:08:15,451 --> 00:08:17,251
to put it through for
a certain customer,
204
00:08:17,351 --> 00:08:19,251
and it wasn't honored,
205
00:08:19,351 --> 00:08:20,951
what do you suppose
would happen?
206
00:08:21,051 --> 00:08:22,051
I don't know.
207
00:08:22,151 --> 00:08:23,351
Major fireworks.
208
00:08:23,451 --> 00:08:24,651
Oh!
209
00:08:24,651 --> 00:08:26,051
You're a genius!
210
00:08:26,051 --> 00:08:27,951
Why do you put up with me?
211
00:08:28,051 --> 00:08:29,951
I don't know.
212
00:08:31,351 --> 00:08:33,651
Frasier, I have to leave.
213
00:08:33,751 --> 00:08:35,451
There's been an emergency.
214
00:08:35,551 --> 00:08:36,651
Is it Frederick?
No, no.
215
00:08:36,751 --> 00:08:38,351
Otto, my lab assistant,
216
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:40,651
has gotten into the
synthetic hormones again.
217
00:08:40,751 --> 00:08:42,451
I have to
bail him out.
218
00:08:42,451 --> 00:08:46,051
Or her. I won't know
until I get there.
219
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:49,351
Oh, no!
220
00:08:49,451 --> 00:08:52,051
Miss Howe,
look what I found in the trash!
221
00:08:52,151 --> 00:08:53,851
It's your cow!
222
00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:56,251
Oh, dear, how could that
have gotten in there?
223
00:08:56,351 --> 00:08:57,751
Sam?
224
00:08:57,751 --> 00:08:59,751
You told me to
throw it away....
225
00:09:01,551 --> 00:09:04,151
So, the
paranoid says...
226
00:09:04,151 --> 00:09:05,351
(laughing)
227
00:09:05,451 --> 00:09:06,651
"Help! Help!
228
00:09:06,751 --> 00:09:08,851
They're all out to get me!"
229
00:09:08,951 --> 00:09:12,151
(laughing)
230
00:09:16,151 --> 00:09:18,451
I guess you had to be
in the session.
231
00:09:19,451 --> 00:09:21,951
Dr. Crane, can I speak
to you for a minute?
232
00:09:22,051 --> 00:09:23,751
Oh, of course, Sam.
SAM:
Got a little
233
00:09:23,851 --> 00:09:25,351
problem here-- I, uh,
called to get approval
234
00:09:25,451 --> 00:09:28,051
on your credit card here, and
they told me it was stolen.
235
00:09:28,051 --> 00:09:29,551
Well that's utterly
ludicrous, Sam.
236
00:09:29,651 --> 00:09:30,951
Well, yeah, that's
what I told them,
237
00:09:31,051 --> 00:09:32,751
but they-they insisted
that it is stolen.
238
00:09:32,751 --> 00:09:34,151
Yes, I-I knocked myself
over the head
239
00:09:34,251 --> 00:09:35,651
and stole my own credit card.
240
00:09:35,651 --> 00:09:37,551
That's brilliant, Sam.
Who would ever suspect me?
241
00:09:37,551 --> 00:09:38,951
SAM:
I'm not kidding here.
242
00:09:39,051 --> 00:09:40,951
You know, they're very
serious about their rules.
243
00:09:40,951 --> 00:09:43,451
They told me that I
have to cut this up.
244
00:09:43,451 --> 00:09:45,151
You wouldn't, Sam!
245
00:09:45,351 --> 00:09:46,451
I don't want to, no!
246
00:09:46,551 --> 00:09:48,251
Tell you what. Um,
247
00:09:48,251 --> 00:09:49,951
why don't I, uh,
run a tab, huh?
248
00:09:50,051 --> 00:09:51,451
Well, I don't need a tab.
249
00:09:51,551 --> 00:09:52,851
It's a perfectly good card!
250
00:09:52,951 --> 00:09:53,951
Well, why don't
I just, uh...?
251
00:09:53,951 --> 00:09:55,251
This is on the
house, all right?
252
00:09:55,351 --> 00:09:57,251
Oh, fine! Now you're adding
insult to injury!
253
00:09:57,351 --> 00:09:58,651
Well, I don't take charity!
254
00:09:58,751 --> 00:09:59,951
Just give me back
my card!
255
00:10:00,051 --> 00:10:01,751
I can't give you back
the card, Frasier.
256
00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:04,451
I've got to cut it up
and send the pieces
back to the company.
257
00:10:04,551 --> 00:10:06,151
(scoffs)
You do not have to do that.
258
00:10:06,151 --> 00:10:07,151
Yes, I do!
259
00:10:07,251 --> 00:10:08,751
They spent a
half an hour
260
00:10:08,851 --> 00:10:11,451
on just that fact at the
seminar at the Sheraton.
261
00:10:12,651 --> 00:10:15,751
Sam, I am telling you,
you do not have to do that!
262
00:10:15,851 --> 00:10:16,851
You weren't at
the seminar.
263
00:10:16,951 --> 00:10:18,651
If I don't do this,
they're gonna take
264
00:10:18,851 --> 00:10:19,951
my little card
thingy away.
265
00:10:20,051 --> 00:10:21,451
Sam, I am not asking you.
266
00:10:21,451 --> 00:10:23,551
I'm telling you!
Give me back my card!
267
00:10:23,551 --> 00:10:25,251
Don't take that tone
of voice with me!
268
00:10:25,351 --> 00:10:27,151
Frasier, can I help?
I have a card that works.
269
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,651
Oh shut up, you
Skinnerian baboon!
270
00:10:29,651 --> 00:10:32,451
Sam, do not touch
those scissors to that card!
271
00:10:32,551 --> 00:10:33,651
I got to do it, Frasier.
272
00:10:33,651 --> 00:10:34,351
You do not!
Yes, I...
273
00:10:34,451 --> 00:10:36,151
(choking grunt)
274
00:10:40,051 --> 00:10:41,951
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
275
00:10:42,051 --> 00:10:43,351
I t-tell you what.
276
00:10:43,451 --> 00:10:44,951
Here, take-take
my credit cards.
277
00:10:45,051 --> 00:10:46,251
Oh, fine!
278
00:10:46,351 --> 00:10:48,251
With your $90 credit limit,
279
00:10:48,351 --> 00:10:50,251
I can go hog-wild
at Monkey Ward's!
280
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:54,051
You have made me look the fool.
281
00:10:54,151 --> 00:10:56,851
Yeah, I think you've
taken care of that all
by yourself, Frasier!
282
00:10:56,951 --> 00:10:59,151
Oh. So it's come
to this, has it?
283
00:10:59,251 --> 00:11:00,851
After years of friendship,
284
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:03,551
you proudly pour a tall cup
of humiliation.
285
00:11:03,651 --> 00:11:05,251
Well, I've had enough,
thank you.
286
00:11:05,251 --> 00:11:06,351
This is good-bye.
287
00:11:06,451 --> 00:11:08,951
You have seen and heard
the last of Frasier Crane.
288
00:11:09,051 --> 00:11:10,251
From this moment forward,
289
00:11:10,351 --> 00:11:12,751
I am never stepping foot
in this bar again!
290
00:11:12,751 --> 00:11:15,651
I close the iron door upon you!
291
00:11:17,651 --> 00:11:20,151
What do we do now,
oh master?
292
00:11:20,251 --> 00:11:22,851
Shut up and stop
calling me master.
293
00:11:35,221 --> 00:11:37,821
Anyone hear from Frasier
since yesterday?
294
00:11:37,921 --> 00:11:39,421
He'll be back,
don't worry about it.
295
00:11:39,521 --> 00:11:41,621
I don't know,
he left here pretty angry.
296
00:11:41,721 --> 00:11:43,021
I mean,
I keep calling the house,
297
00:11:43,121 --> 00:11:45,221
and the machine
keeps picking up.
298
00:11:45,321 --> 00:11:46,421
Oh, Lilith answers?
299
00:11:47,821 --> 00:11:48,721
He's blowing off steam.
300
00:11:48,821 --> 00:11:50,021
He'll be back.
301
00:11:50,121 --> 00:11:51,421
Oh, I hope so.
302
00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:52,921
Well... (clears throat)
303
00:11:53,021 --> 00:11:56,221
I guess we really
messed up, huh?
304
00:11:56,321 --> 00:11:57,621
We learned our
lesson, Cliff.
305
00:11:57,721 --> 00:11:59,921
We've got to stop messing
with people's minds.
306
00:12:00,021 --> 00:12:01,321
Yeah, I agree.
307
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,221
By the way, your
fly's open, buddy.
308
00:12:03,221 --> 00:12:04,721
Yeah, so's yours.
309
00:12:04,721 --> 00:12:07,621
(both laughing)
310
00:12:07,621 --> 00:12:10,321
You can't expect a guy to
go cold turkey, you know.
311
00:12:10,421 --> 00:12:12,421
(laughing)
312
00:12:12,521 --> 00:12:14,221
You checked,
didn't you, Cliff?
313
00:12:14,321 --> 00:12:15,721
Oh, yeah, like
you weren't looking
314
00:12:15,721 --> 00:12:18,221
through the bottom
of that beer mug.
315
00:12:19,421 --> 00:12:21,121
Miss Howe?
316
00:12:22,421 --> 00:12:23,821
Last night the shopping channel
317
00:12:23,921 --> 00:12:27,321
was a consumer bonanza,
and I took advantage of it.
318
00:12:27,321 --> 00:12:29,521
Their loss is your gain.
319
00:12:29,521 --> 00:12:33,421
First, I got you a genuine
gold-look bracelet
320
00:12:33,521 --> 00:12:36,021
with 200 real sapphires.
321
00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:37,421
Oh, Woody.
322
00:12:37,521 --> 00:12:39,221
First of all, you have
to stop buying me gifts.
323
00:12:39,321 --> 00:12:40,521
And second of all,
324
00:12:40,621 --> 00:12:43,221
you have to learn
that sapphires are blue.
325
00:12:43,321 --> 00:12:47,121
Okay, but you can't say
"no" to a new and improved
326
00:12:47,121 --> 00:12:52,921
snackmaster and a portable
solar-powered telephone.
327
00:12:52,921 --> 00:12:55,121
Woody, I cannot accept these.
328
00:12:55,121 --> 00:12:57,121
People are going to get
the wrong idea.
329
00:12:57,221 --> 00:12:59,221
What, that I have
a crush on you?
330
00:12:59,321 --> 00:13:01,921
No, that I like crap.
331
00:13:06,521 --> 00:13:09,421
You're calling
this stuff "crap"?
332
00:13:09,521 --> 00:13:11,021
I'm sorry, Woody.
333
00:13:11,121 --> 00:13:13,421
No, no, I was looking
for the right word.
334
00:13:13,521 --> 00:13:15,521
Well, if you don't
like it either,
335
00:13:15,621 --> 00:13:17,621
why do you keep
buying this stuff?
336
00:13:17,721 --> 00:13:20,221
Not "stuff,"
Miss Howe-- "crap."
337
00:13:22,521 --> 00:13:24,321
I buy it because
it looks good on TV.
338
00:13:24,321 --> 00:13:28,321
The second they flash
that 800 number, I'm dialing.
339
00:13:28,421 --> 00:13:30,221
Woody, this-this
has got to stop.
340
00:13:30,321 --> 00:13:32,221
Well, it-it has
stopped, Miss Howe.
341
00:13:32,321 --> 00:13:35,521
I went over my credit
limit with this... crap.
342
00:13:37,521 --> 00:13:39,421
Unless, of course,
you'd care to advance me
343
00:13:39,521 --> 00:13:40,821
six months on my paycheck.
344
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:43,621
Could be another
necklace in it for you.
345
00:13:43,721 --> 00:13:45,821
An-And if you decide
346
00:13:45,821 --> 00:13:47,321
not to give me the advance,
347
00:13:47,421 --> 00:13:50,421
just keep the necklace
as your free gift.
348
00:13:52,721 --> 00:13:54,521
Woody, you are hooked.
349
00:13:54,721 --> 00:13:56,121
Listen to me,
you need help.
350
00:13:56,221 --> 00:13:59,121
I don't need help, I
just need more credit.
351
00:14:02,821 --> 00:14:05,721
You're right, Miss Howe,
I do need help.
352
00:14:05,821 --> 00:14:08,421
I'm scared.
353
00:14:08,521 --> 00:14:11,321
Help me.
354
00:14:11,321 --> 00:14:13,021
Hurry.
355
00:14:13,021 --> 00:14:15,221
Act now.
356
00:14:21,721 --> 00:14:23,621
Well, I just got in
touch with Frasier.
357
00:14:23,621 --> 00:14:25,221
NORM:
Oh, yeah, what'd he say?
358
00:14:25,221 --> 00:14:28,021
Well, he said that he considers
these phone calls a harassment.
359
00:14:28,121 --> 00:14:30,521
If I don't cease and desist,
he's gonna get a court order
360
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:35,021
restraining me from coming
within 50 feet of him.
361
00:14:35,021 --> 00:14:36,421
Restraining order--
362
00:14:36,521 --> 00:14:41,121
the last resort of shrinks
and housewives in nightgowns.
363
00:14:45,521 --> 00:14:47,021
Come on, Cliffie.
364
00:14:47,121 --> 00:14:49,321
We've gotta stop this
before it gets any further.
365
00:14:49,421 --> 00:14:52,121
We've got to go to Frasier,
tell him exactly what happened.
366
00:14:52,121 --> 00:14:54,221
Accept all blame,
and the sooner the better.
367
00:14:54,321 --> 00:14:55,721
Yeah, you're right.
368
00:14:55,821 --> 00:14:57,421
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
What?
369
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,521
I just thought
of something.
What's that?
370
00:14:59,521 --> 00:15:01,921
If we wait like a couple of
hours, it'll be dinnertime.
371
00:15:02,021 --> 00:15:04,121
Might be able to snag
a free meal.
372
00:15:04,221 --> 00:15:07,721
You are the master,
oh salam.
373
00:15:13,921 --> 00:15:16,021
Now, this is lovely.
374
00:15:16,021 --> 00:15:17,521
The baby's with my mother,
375
00:15:17,621 --> 00:15:20,421
and there's nothing to
disturb our peaceful Eden.
376
00:15:20,421 --> 00:15:22,521
You're right,
darling, nothing.
377
00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:24,521
Except for the burned-in image
of Sam
378
00:15:24,521 --> 00:15:29,821
cutting my gold card into pieces
before my very eyes.
379
00:15:29,821 --> 00:15:30,921
You know, Frasier,
380
00:15:31,021 --> 00:15:32,821
after listening to you complain
about that
381
00:15:32,921 --> 00:15:34,221
for the umpteenth time,
382
00:15:34,321 --> 00:15:37,421
it's becoming impossible for me
to sympathize.
383
00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:39,321
(quietly):
Of course not.
384
00:15:39,421 --> 00:15:41,621
Sympathy is a human emotion.
385
00:15:47,121 --> 00:15:48,721
What?
386
00:15:48,721 --> 00:15:52,221
Oh, I'm sorry, darling,
I'm just lashing out.
387
00:15:52,321 --> 00:15:55,621
(quietly):
Got off a good one, though.
388
00:15:58,621 --> 00:16:01,921
Frasier, you've got to stop
this cycle of negativity.
389
00:16:02,021 --> 00:16:05,321
Come, let's try some
positive imagery.
390
00:16:05,421 --> 00:16:07,721
You're back in Maui.
391
00:16:07,821 --> 00:16:12,221
Feel the trade winds
caressing your cheeks,
392
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:15,521
ruffling your hair.
393
00:16:15,621 --> 00:16:17,121
Smell the plumeria.
394
00:16:17,221 --> 00:16:20,721
Taste the mai tai.
395
00:16:20,821 --> 00:16:24,421
Feel the gentle swaying...
396
00:16:24,521 --> 00:16:30,221
swaying of the
ancient palms.
397
00:16:30,321 --> 00:16:35,121
The rhythm...
the rhythm...
398
00:16:35,221 --> 00:16:37,521
the rhythm...
399
00:16:38,521 --> 00:16:40,721
Are you there?
400
00:16:40,821 --> 00:16:44,421
Yes, I'm there.
401
00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:47,021
I'm in paradise.
402
00:16:47,121 --> 00:16:49,121
And I'm paying
for the whole shebang
403
00:16:49,221 --> 00:16:51,621
with my gold card.
404
00:16:51,721 --> 00:16:55,921
Which was gladly accepted,
and returned in one piece,
405
00:16:56,021 --> 00:16:59,221
by a man in a flowered sarong!
406
00:16:59,221 --> 00:17:01,021
Frasier, get a grip.
407
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,921
Oh, you're right,
you're right.
408
00:17:03,021 --> 00:17:07,321
You know,
Sam's done me a favor actually.
409
00:17:07,421 --> 00:17:09,921
Instead of spending the night
there in his sleazy saloon,
410
00:17:10,021 --> 00:17:13,421
I'm... I'm at home
here with my love.
411
00:17:13,521 --> 00:17:15,621
I'm going to serenade you.
412
00:17:15,721 --> 00:17:20,021
Why, Frasier, you haven't
done that since...
413
00:17:20,821 --> 00:17:23,821
Have you ever done that?
414
00:17:23,921 --> 00:17:25,521
Well, I'm doing it now.
415
00:17:26,321 --> 00:17:27,821
Remember this one, darling?
416
00:17:27,821 --> 00:17:29,621
(plays gentle melody)
417
00:17:29,721 --> 00:17:32,321
How could I forget?
418
00:17:32,321 --> 00:17:34,721
¶ Autumn in New York...
¶ Moonlight in Vermont...
419
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,721
You sing it.
420
00:17:36,721 --> 00:17:38,121
All right.
421
00:17:39,121 --> 00:17:41,621
¶ Autumn in New York
422
00:17:41,621 --> 00:17:47,021
¶ What makes it seem
so exciting? ¶
423
00:17:47,021 --> 00:17:49,521
¶ Autumn in New York
424
00:17:49,621 --> 00:17:53,121
¶ It spells the thrill
of first nighting... ¶
425
00:17:53,221 --> 00:17:55,221
(music stops)
426
00:17:57,321 --> 00:18:01,221
It was a lovely
honeymoon, wasn't it?
427
00:18:01,321 --> 00:18:05,121
(voice breaks):
I bought this piano
with my gold card.
428
00:18:05,221 --> 00:18:07,221
I mean, yes, dear.
429
00:18:07,321 --> 00:18:09,521
(doorbell rings)
430
00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:11,021
I'll get it.
431
00:18:16,821 --> 00:18:17,821
Hi, Lilith.
432
00:18:17,921 --> 00:18:19,121
Cliff, Norm.
433
00:18:19,121 --> 00:18:20,721
Frasier, it's Cliff and Norm.
434
00:18:22,121 --> 00:18:23,421
Well, good night,
gentlemen.
435
00:18:23,521 --> 00:18:25,321
I've suddenly developed
a splitting migraine.
436
00:18:30,521 --> 00:18:31,721
Norm. Cliff.
437
00:18:31,821 --> 00:18:32,921
What a pleasure to see
my boon companions
438
00:18:33,021 --> 00:18:34,821
here in my home.
Come in. Come in.
439
00:18:34,921 --> 00:18:36,921
Yeah, well, Fras, look,
we don't want to interrupt
440
00:18:37,021 --> 00:18:38,321
your dinner or
anything like that.
441
00:18:38,421 --> 00:18:40,521
Oh, no, we finished hours ago.
442
00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:41,821
Yeah, nice shortcut, Cliff.
443
00:18:44,321 --> 00:18:46,021
I see that you
left the butcher
444
00:18:46,121 --> 00:18:47,721
of all things plastic
back in the bar
445
00:18:47,721 --> 00:18:49,221
to come visit
old Frasier.
446
00:18:49,221 --> 00:18:50,521
Yeah, yeah.
447
00:18:50,621 --> 00:18:51,821
Fras, uh...
448
00:18:51,821 --> 00:18:54,321
just out of curiosity, what
did you have for dinner?
449
00:18:54,421 --> 00:18:55,721
Uh, uh, let me guess.
450
00:18:55,821 --> 00:18:58,621
Wait. (inhales sharply)
451
00:18:58,621 --> 00:18:59,921
Ah, porterhouse steaks,
452
00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:02,821
smothered with mushrooms,
green beans with sliced almonds,
453
00:19:02,921 --> 00:19:05,821
some, uh, apple brown Betty,
and, uh....
454
00:19:05,821 --> 00:19:07,821
decaf cappuccino.
455
00:19:07,821 --> 00:19:09,621
(laughs)
Ain't he something?
456
00:19:09,621 --> 00:19:11,721
Actually, we had
Chinese brought in.
457
00:19:14,121 --> 00:19:16,621
Guess it must be in my coat.
458
00:19:16,721 --> 00:19:19,621
Here, come... come and sit down.
459
00:19:19,721 --> 00:19:21,221
You know, I can't tell you
how special this is.
460
00:19:21,221 --> 00:19:23,621
We never seem to get together
outside of that infernal bar.
461
00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:25,221
Never get together
just as pals.
462
00:19:25,321 --> 00:19:26,721
Yeah, whatever.
463
00:19:26,721 --> 00:19:28,321
Fras, you don't have any Chinese
left, do you?
464
00:19:28,421 --> 00:19:30,421
No, sorry.
Norm, Norm...
465
00:19:30,521 --> 00:19:32,121
we come here
to talk about a topic
466
00:19:32,221 --> 00:19:33,721
a lot more important than food.
467
00:19:33,821 --> 00:19:36,421
Found an almond cookie.
468
00:19:37,821 --> 00:19:39,421
If you're here to try
to patch up my relationship
469
00:19:39,521 --> 00:19:41,621
with Mr. Malone, just forget it.
470
00:19:41,621 --> 00:19:42,521
Give me half, will you, Cliff?
471
00:19:42,621 --> 00:19:43,421
I tell you,
I have seen
472
00:19:43,521 --> 00:19:45,721
the last of that ex-jock
in a pompadour.
473
00:19:45,821 --> 00:19:49,021
Frasier, you've got to let us
explain what happened here.
474
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:53,721
Fras, uh, you see,
sometimes guys...
475
00:19:53,821 --> 00:19:56,521
do things, you know,
which they...
476
00:19:56,521 --> 00:19:59,121
they think seem like...
477
00:19:59,221 --> 00:20:01,321
a good idea at the time.
478
00:20:01,321 --> 00:20:04,021
But they're really
not such a good idea.
479
00:20:04,021 --> 00:20:06,621
I guess what
I'm trying to say is...
480
00:20:06,721 --> 00:20:09,721
That... that Sam wants me
to come back to Cheers
481
00:20:09,821 --> 00:20:12,321
so that he can get down on his
knees and apologize to me
482
00:20:12,421 --> 00:20:13,821
in public and in person.
483
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:16,021
Yeah, that's even better.
484
00:20:17,421 --> 00:20:19,121
Great, come on,
let's go.
485
00:20:24,521 --> 00:20:25,721
Sammy,
486
00:20:25,821 --> 00:20:27,521
don't drop down on your knees
to beg for forgiveness
487
00:20:27,521 --> 00:20:29,721
till he's all the way
through the door...
488
00:20:29,821 --> 00:20:32,021
but look who's here.
489
00:20:32,121 --> 00:20:33,721
Hey! You brought Frasier back.
490
00:20:33,821 --> 00:20:35,821
See, now, if we can just
get them to erase
491
00:20:35,921 --> 00:20:37,521
everything from their memories
from the last 36 hours,
492
00:20:37,621 --> 00:20:38,921
we're home free.
493
00:20:40,621 --> 00:20:42,721
I'm waiting, Sam.
494
00:20:43,421 --> 00:20:45,821
Waiting for what?
495
00:20:45,921 --> 00:20:47,521
Sammy, don't torture
your friend.
496
00:20:47,521 --> 00:20:50,221
Frasier just swallowed his
pride to come back in here,
497
00:20:50,321 --> 00:20:52,821
so get down on your knees
and beg him to forgive you
498
00:20:52,921 --> 00:20:54,221
and then we can
start celebrating.
499
00:20:54,321 --> 00:20:55,721
I'm sorry.
500
00:20:55,721 --> 00:20:56,921
Thanks, Sam.
501
00:20:57,021 --> 00:20:58,121
NORM:
That's what we
like to see.
502
00:20:58,221 --> 00:21:00,721
Yeah, I bet you
nobody even remembers
503
00:21:00,821 --> 00:21:03,621
what started the silly argument
in the first place.
504
00:21:03,621 --> 00:21:06,521
I do--
Sam cut up his gold card.
505
00:21:09,321 --> 00:21:11,621
That was funny.
506
00:21:11,721 --> 00:21:14,321
Woody, come on,
we're, uh...
507
00:21:14,321 --> 00:21:15,721
you know, I
apologized for that.
508
00:21:15,821 --> 00:21:17,121
We're beyond
that right now.
509
00:21:17,221 --> 00:21:18,821
Is that it?
510
00:21:18,821 --> 00:21:21,321
That is the sum total
of your contrition?
511
00:21:22,721 --> 00:21:24,221
I mean, I know you're not
Walt Whitman, Sam,
512
00:21:24,321 --> 00:21:27,021
but I mean, really a couple more
"uhs" and "you knows"
513
00:21:27,121 --> 00:21:28,921
would at least lend it
a little creditability.
514
00:21:29,021 --> 00:21:30,521
Well, you didn't let
me finish, Frasier.
515
00:21:30,621 --> 00:21:31,921
I was going to say
that I'm sorry
516
00:21:32,021 --> 00:21:34,221
that you were such a
big jerk yesterday
517
00:21:34,221 --> 00:21:36,721
and that you're such
a big baby today.
518
00:21:36,721 --> 00:21:38,021
Well, that tears it.
519
00:21:38,121 --> 00:21:40,121
When I walk out this time,
believe me when I tell you
520
00:21:40,121 --> 00:21:41,821
that I will never brighten
this door again.
521
00:21:41,821 --> 00:21:43,621
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
522
00:21:43,821 --> 00:21:45,121
Frasier, Frasier,
wait a minute.
523
00:21:45,221 --> 00:21:46,821
Before this thing
gets any further,
524
00:21:46,921 --> 00:21:48,921
come on now, sit down, relax.
525
00:21:49,021 --> 00:21:51,821
I think it's time
that both you guys
526
00:21:51,921 --> 00:21:55,021
understand the truth.
527
00:21:55,121 --> 00:21:56,721
Cliffie?
528
00:22:00,421 --> 00:22:03,621
Well, Fras,
see, yesterday, uh,
529
00:22:03,721 --> 00:22:06,021
Normie and I, we were
feeling a little frisky
530
00:22:06,121 --> 00:22:08,821
and as sort of a gag,
we, uh, made a phone call
531
00:22:08,921 --> 00:22:12,121
and reported
your credit card stolen.
532
00:22:12,221 --> 00:22:15,321
My God, Cliff,
that is fraud!
533
00:22:15,421 --> 00:22:19,121
You think you
know a guy, Sam.
534
00:22:19,221 --> 00:22:20,921
Damn it, Norm.
Come on.
535
00:22:20,921 --> 00:22:22,721
All right, all right,
all right.
536
00:22:22,821 --> 00:22:24,921
I may have, uh,
537
00:22:25,021 --> 00:22:28,821
been in the vicinity
during that phone call.
538
00:22:28,821 --> 00:22:31,821
I might have actually
dialed the number.
539
00:22:31,921 --> 00:22:35,721
So it's your fault?
540
00:22:35,821 --> 00:22:37,021
Sam, I owe you an apology.
541
00:22:37,121 --> 00:22:38,621
No, no.
I had no idea.
542
00:22:38,621 --> 00:22:40,521
Boy.
543
00:22:40,621 --> 00:22:43,221
You guys are really
stirring it up, aren't you?
544
00:22:45,821 --> 00:22:47,021
Okay, fellas,
545
00:22:47,121 --> 00:22:48,721
give me your credit
cards right now.
546
00:22:48,721 --> 00:22:50,821
What?
Aw...
547
00:22:50,921 --> 00:22:51,921
Give me your credit cards.
548
00:22:52,021 --> 00:22:54,221
You-you can't cut them up.
549
00:22:54,221 --> 00:22:56,021
I'm not gonna cut them up.
550
00:22:56,121 --> 00:22:57,721
NORM:
Don't cut them up, Sam.
551
00:22:57,821 --> 00:22:59,321
Woody, you're back in business.
552
00:22:59,421 --> 00:23:00,721
Shop away.
553
00:23:00,821 --> 00:23:02,321
NORM:
Oh, no.
All right.
554
00:23:02,321 --> 00:23:04,221
Get the scissors
and cut them right now.40101
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