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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,117 --> 00:00:04,017 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:04,017 --> 00:00:05,217 (crowd murmuring) 3 00:00:05,217 --> 00:00:06,517 CLIFF: Hi, Woody. Hey! 4 00:00:06,617 --> 00:00:08,317 NORM: Hey, Woodster! 5 00:00:08,317 --> 00:00:09,617 How was that first night in your new apartment? 6 00:00:09,717 --> 00:00:11,017 It's great, Mr. Peterson. Yeah. 7 00:00:11,117 --> 00:00:13,417 It's the nicest place I've ever stayed at. Yeah? 8 00:00:13,517 --> 00:00:14,917 And that includes the night in Hanover 9 00:00:15,017 --> 00:00:17,317 I got locked in the storeroom in the Piggly Wiggly. 10 00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:18,617 It was cold 11 00:00:18,617 --> 00:00:20,817 and lonely, but the food! 12 00:00:20,917 --> 00:00:23,017 Anyway, 13 00:00:23,117 --> 00:00:25,717 it's no Piggly Wiggly, but it's got cable. 14 00:00:25,717 --> 00:00:27,817 All right. Is it furnished? 15 00:00:27,917 --> 00:00:29,416 Well, no, but it's got this cable 16 00:00:29,516 --> 00:00:31,316 that comes right out of the wall, 17 00:00:31,316 --> 00:00:33,416 fits right into the TV. 18 00:00:33,516 --> 00:00:34,816 I hope it's in a safer neighborhood 19 00:00:34,916 --> 00:00:36,216 than that last dive of yours. 20 00:00:36,316 --> 00:00:38,116 Well, no, actually, it's a little worse, 21 00:00:38,216 --> 00:00:40,416 but... it's got cable. 22 00:00:40,416 --> 00:00:41,616 CLIFF: Well, 23 00:00:41,716 --> 00:00:43,116 if it's unfurnished, you must be 24 00:00:43,216 --> 00:00:45,016 getting a break in the rent, huh? 25 00:00:45,116 --> 00:00:47,216 Well, no, it's actually a little more, 26 00:00:47,316 --> 00:00:50,016 but you got to expect that with cable. 27 00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:51,116 Well, whatever. 28 00:00:51,216 --> 00:00:52,616 I think cable's great. 29 00:00:52,616 --> 00:00:54,116 They had Robocop on last night. 30 00:00:54,216 --> 00:00:55,716 Did you catch that? 31 00:00:55,716 --> 00:00:57,916 No. The cable was out last night. 32 00:01:00,416 --> 00:01:02,316 (theme song begins) 33 00:01:03,316 --> 00:01:06,016 ¶ Sometimes you want to go 34 00:01:06,016 --> 00:01:09,615 ¶ Where everybody knows your name ¶ 35 00:01:11,615 --> 00:01:15,815 ¶ And they're always glad you came ¶ 36 00:01:15,815 --> 00:01:18,315 ¶ You wanna be where you can see ¶ 37 00:01:18,415 --> 00:01:21,015 ¶ The troubles are all the same ¶ 38 00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:26,515 ¶ You wanna go where everybody knows your name. ¶ 39 00:01:44,073 --> 00:01:45,173 Afternoon, everybody. 40 00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:46,673 CROWD: Norm! 41 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,672 What can I do for you, Norm? 42 00:01:48,672 --> 00:01:51,472 Open up those beer taps and take the day off, Sam. 43 00:01:51,572 --> 00:01:53,572 CARLA: Here you go, Sammy. 44 00:01:53,672 --> 00:01:54,972 Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah. 45 00:01:54,972 --> 00:01:56,472 Fellas, fellas... 46 00:01:56,572 --> 00:01:58,172 Check them out. 47 00:01:58,272 --> 00:01:59,272 New napkins, huh? 48 00:01:59,372 --> 00:02:00,272 New napkins. 49 00:02:00,372 --> 00:02:01,672 What's this, huh? 50 00:02:01,772 --> 00:02:04,472 Oh, look. There's some kind of brain teaser on them. 51 00:02:04,572 --> 00:02:06,372 Yup. You're out of luck. 52 00:02:06,472 --> 00:02:08,172 SAM: No, no, no, these are not brain teasers. 53 00:02:08,272 --> 00:02:10,072 These are, uh, trivia napkins. 54 00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:11,372 Ever since I got the bar back, 55 00:02:11,472 --> 00:02:13,172 I've been looking for ways to say, 56 00:02:13,172 --> 00:02:15,572 "Hey, thank you for patronizing me." 57 00:02:15,672 --> 00:02:18,872 Oh, Sam, I-I know you wanted to use a great big word there. 58 00:02:20,672 --> 00:02:21,672 I think that's marvelous, 59 00:02:21,772 --> 00:02:24,072 but I believe what you meant to say was, 60 00:02:24,072 --> 00:02:25,572 "Thank you for your patronage." 61 00:02:25,672 --> 00:02:26,672 Really? What's the difference? 62 00:02:26,672 --> 00:02:27,872 Patronage 63 00:02:27,972 --> 00:02:28,971 means customers. 64 00:02:29,071 --> 00:02:30,871 Patronizing is the way one would talk 65 00:02:30,971 --> 00:02:33,071 to a small, dull child. 66 00:02:33,171 --> 00:02:36,671 Kind of like how you're talking to me right now? 67 00:02:36,771 --> 00:02:37,871 Aren't you cute! 68 00:02:39,871 --> 00:02:40,871 Okay, all right, here's one. 69 00:02:40,971 --> 00:02:42,071 (clears throat) 70 00:02:42,171 --> 00:02:43,671 "What is the oldest state capital 71 00:02:43,671 --> 00:02:44,971 in the country?" 72 00:02:45,071 --> 00:02:46,271 CLIFF: Crying out loud, Norm. 73 00:02:46,371 --> 00:02:47,871 I told you that weeks ago! Shh. 74 00:02:47,971 --> 00:02:50,071 Just don't-don't wreck it for the rest of us, then, okay? 75 00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:50,771 Providence, Rhode Island? 76 00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:51,771 Boston? 77 00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:53,271 No. Santa Fe, New Mexico. 78 00:02:53,271 --> 00:02:54,471 Hey! Wow. Isn't that fascinating? 79 00:02:54,471 --> 00:02:55,971 Yeah. Oh, yeah. 80 00:02:56,071 --> 00:02:57,071 Good old Santa Fe! 81 00:02:57,171 --> 00:02:58,271 Ancient capital of the Conquistadors, 82 00:02:58,371 --> 00:02:59,671 founded 1609. 83 00:02:59,671 --> 00:03:00,871 Hey, here's one. 84 00:03:00,971 --> 00:03:04,471 "What civilization was the first known to brew beer?" 85 00:03:04,429 --> 00:03:05,229 Early Greece. 86 00:03:05,329 --> 00:03:06,029 Ancient Rome. 87 00:03:06,129 --> 00:03:07,229 Old Milwaukee. 88 00:03:07,329 --> 00:03:09,228 (chuckles) 89 00:03:11,428 --> 00:03:12,528 Ancient Egypt. Get out! 90 00:03:12,628 --> 00:03:13,728 Hey, that's something. 91 00:03:13,828 --> 00:03:16,028 I never knew that trivia could be so fascinating. 92 00:03:16,128 --> 00:03:17,528 Oh, hold the phone here! 93 00:03:17,628 --> 00:03:18,128 I gave you 94 00:03:18,228 --> 00:03:19,628 that fact months ago. 95 00:03:19,728 --> 00:03:21,228 You said you weren't interested then. 96 00:03:21,328 --> 00:03:22,528 Well, you know, Cliffie, 97 00:03:22,628 --> 00:03:24,528 it's different with the napkins. 98 00:03:26,928 --> 00:03:28,328 What's so different? 99 00:03:28,328 --> 00:03:30,628 Well, napkins don't spit when they talk. 100 00:03:30,728 --> 00:03:32,728 REBECCA: Oh, relax. 101 00:03:32,828 --> 00:03:33,828 Woody, you poor thing! 102 00:03:33,928 --> 00:03:35,128 You have to stop worrying. 103 00:03:35,228 --> 00:03:36,428 You're gonna do just fine! 104 00:03:36,528 --> 00:03:38,228 You're going to do a great job. 105 00:03:38,228 --> 00:03:39,428 Don't you think, Carla? 106 00:03:39,528 --> 00:03:41,428 I think he's gonna bomb. At what? 107 00:03:41,528 --> 00:03:43,728 Beats me, but I think I'm on pretty safe ground. 108 00:03:43,828 --> 00:03:46,628 WOODY: I know it's just a small part in a commercial, 109 00:03:46,728 --> 00:03:48,228 but I don't know if I have the skill 110 00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:49,827 or the technique to pull it off. 111 00:03:49,827 --> 00:03:50,927 Well, what do you play, Wood? 112 00:03:51,069 --> 00:03:52,769 A bartender. 113 00:03:54,269 --> 00:03:55,869 (laughs) 114 00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:57,669 Woody, you are a bartender. 115 00:03:57,769 --> 00:03:59,869 Yeah, well, but in this commercial, 116 00:03:59,869 --> 00:04:01,269 I have to serve drinks. 117 00:04:01,269 --> 00:04:03,069 Wood, you serve drinks all the time. 118 00:04:03,169 --> 00:04:06,269 Yeah, but in this commercial, I have to talk and serve drinks. 119 00:04:06,369 --> 00:04:08,669 You talk and serve drinks right here every day. 120 00:04:08,769 --> 00:04:10,169 Oh, great, Sam! 121 00:04:10,169 --> 00:04:12,669 Now you've made me nervous about working here, too. 122 00:04:15,269 --> 00:04:18,069 Woody, perhaps it would help you to... 123 00:04:18,169 --> 00:04:19,869 to rehearse your lines with us. Yeah. 124 00:04:19,869 --> 00:04:21,069 I only have one. 125 00:04:21,169 --> 00:04:23,069 (laughs) 126 00:04:26,169 --> 00:04:28,169 I like it. 127 00:04:29,768 --> 00:04:33,368 That's a very nice line, Woody. 128 00:04:33,468 --> 00:04:34,568 Patronizing, right? 129 00:04:34,568 --> 00:04:36,468 Now you're getting it. 130 00:04:38,401 --> 00:04:40,701 I was kind of surprised when I got the part. 131 00:04:40,701 --> 00:04:42,601 Said they wanted someone with a fresh face. 132 00:04:42,701 --> 00:04:44,301 I don't know why they chose me. 133 00:04:44,401 --> 00:04:46,101 Oh, hey, you're perfect. 134 00:04:46,101 --> 00:04:48,801 Yeah. Maybe when I just hopped off the bus from Hanover, 135 00:04:48,801 --> 00:04:50,801 but I've been in Boston for five years. 136 00:04:50,801 --> 00:04:52,001 It changes a guy. 137 00:04:52,101 --> 00:04:54,501 Hardens him, gives him a cynical edge. 138 00:04:55,401 --> 00:04:58,501 Come on, you're still fresh. 139 00:04:58,501 --> 00:05:00,201 Jeepers, you think? 140 00:05:02,401 --> 00:05:03,501 Trust me. 141 00:05:03,501 --> 00:05:05,201 Hey, Sam, would you come on down 142 00:05:05,201 --> 00:05:07,701 to the shoot with me and keep telling me that? 143 00:05:07,701 --> 00:05:08,901 Well, sure, Woody. Yeah. Why not? 144 00:05:09,001 --> 00:05:10,200 NORM: Hey, Wood, can I go? 145 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,500 Come on. I never saw a commercial be shot 146 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,700 or anything like that. 147 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,100 Yeah! Yeah, me, neither. 148 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,500 You know, believe it or not, 149 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,400 it's one of the few things I don't know much about. 150 00:05:19,550 --> 00:05:21,750 I mean, if you guys all come down there with me, 151 00:05:21,850 --> 00:05:23,050 it's gonna look like 152 00:05:23,150 --> 00:05:25,150 I'm some big snobby star with an entourage. 153 00:05:25,150 --> 00:05:26,150 All right. Well, uh, heck with it. 154 00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:27,350 We'll just stay here. 155 00:05:27,350 --> 00:05:28,650 You tell us about it later. 156 00:05:28,650 --> 00:05:30,250 No, I like the idea. 157 00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:32,450 You guys can be my people, all right? 158 00:05:32,450 --> 00:05:34,350 Hey, hey. Yeah. 159 00:05:34,350 --> 00:05:35,450 I got another idea. 160 00:05:35,450 --> 00:05:36,850 We'll all stop at the mall. 161 00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:38,750 We'll pick up satin jackets and matching sunglasses. 162 00:05:38,850 --> 00:05:40,650 There you go. 163 00:05:40,750 --> 00:05:42,050 Come on. 164 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,450 (laughter) 165 00:05:43,550 --> 00:05:45,950 That door's not just gonna open itself. 166 00:05:46,050 --> 00:05:47,450 Oh, I... I've got that! 167 00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:48,650 (whooping) 168 00:05:48,750 --> 00:05:50,649 (indistinct chatter) 169 00:05:54,449 --> 00:05:55,749 (hammering) 170 00:05:55,749 --> 00:05:59,549 So, Jill, it's great to meet such a talented actress. 171 00:05:59,549 --> 00:06:02,249 Is there anything I can look forward to seeing you in, 172 00:06:02,349 --> 00:06:04,149 like my shower? 173 00:06:04,149 --> 00:06:05,849 (laughing): You're really funny, Sam. 174 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:07,849 Did you ever think of doing standup? 175 00:06:07,949 --> 00:06:09,349 Well, there's always a first time 176 00:06:09,349 --> 00:06:11,649 for everything, I guess. 177 00:06:11,749 --> 00:06:13,649 This is spectacular! 178 00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:15,549 Yeah, magic of the movies, huh, Normie? 179 00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:17,349 No. The magic of the doughnut table! 180 00:06:17,449 --> 00:06:19,149 Look at these-- got your, uh, glazed, 181 00:06:19,249 --> 00:06:21,249 you got your chocolate, you got your buttermilk. 182 00:06:21,349 --> 00:06:23,249 Hey, who sucked all the filling 183 00:06:23,249 --> 00:06:24,949 out of this Bavarian creme? 184 00:06:25,049 --> 00:06:27,549 Hey, you guys, guys, you got something to write on here? 185 00:06:27,549 --> 00:06:28,949 She just gave me her number. 186 00:06:29,049 --> 00:06:31,648 Yeah. Yeah, I got one of these, uh, trivia napkins. 187 00:06:31,748 --> 00:06:33,348 Hey! My trivia napkins! Yeah, yeah. 188 00:06:33,448 --> 00:06:34,648 I've been carrying it around. 189 00:06:34,648 --> 00:06:35,948 It's kind of a conversation starter, you know? 190 00:06:36,048 --> 00:06:37,748 Go ahead, ask me the question, Sammy. All right, all right. 191 00:06:37,748 --> 00:06:40,048 You guys and your precious trivia napkins! 192 00:06:40,148 --> 00:06:42,948 If you love them so much, why don't you marry them?! 193 00:06:43,048 --> 00:06:45,048 Oh, come on, man! 194 00:06:45,048 --> 00:06:46,548 Lighten up, will you? 195 00:06:46,648 --> 00:06:48,448 Oh! And by the way, Normie, 196 00:06:48,548 --> 00:06:50,348 I'm the one who sucked all the filling 197 00:06:50,348 --> 00:06:51,548 out of the Bavarian creme! 198 00:06:51,648 --> 00:06:53,548 (sucking) 199 00:06:57,748 --> 00:06:59,948 Guys, I'm ready. How do I look? 200 00:06:59,948 --> 00:07:01,048 Woody. All right. 201 00:07:01,048 --> 00:07:02,348 You look great. Huh? 202 00:07:02,348 --> 00:07:04,648 You got... you got, like, junk all over your face, man. 203 00:07:04,748 --> 00:07:06,948 Oh, pancake. Whoa. 204 00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,448 Is there a steam table around here I'm missing? 205 00:07:08,548 --> 00:07:10,347 No, no, no. Pancake is the makeup they use 206 00:07:10,447 --> 00:07:11,547 in show business. 207 00:07:11,647 --> 00:07:12,747 It's real thick and real heavy, 208 00:07:12,847 --> 00:07:14,247 and it covers every flaw. 209 00:07:14,247 --> 00:07:16,347 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Vera uses that for primer. 210 00:07:16,447 --> 00:07:17,747 Talent on the set, please. 211 00:07:17,847 --> 00:07:19,347 Oh, that's me. I got to go. 212 00:07:19,347 --> 00:07:21,647 Oh, hey. 213 00:07:21,647 --> 00:07:23,547 So this is Veggie-Boy! 214 00:07:23,547 --> 00:07:25,847 Should I taste it first? No, no, don't drink that. 215 00:07:25,947 --> 00:07:26,847 We sprayed it with high-gloss latex 216 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,147 so it'll look better under the lights. 217 00:07:28,247 --> 00:07:29,947 We do it with all the food we're shooting. 218 00:07:30,047 --> 00:07:33,247 Hey, there's supposed to be a bowl of beer nuts around here. 219 00:07:33,389 --> 00:07:36,489 Sammy, you got to get these kind of nuts for the bar. 220 00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,489 They slide right down. 221 00:07:38,489 --> 00:07:39,789 It's great. 222 00:07:39,789 --> 00:07:41,489 Woody, this is your close-up. 223 00:07:41,489 --> 00:07:43,289 Jill is gonna feed you your cue. 224 00:07:43,389 --> 00:07:46,389 Just look her right in the camera and say, "I like it." 225 00:07:46,489 --> 00:07:47,689 I like it. 226 00:07:47,689 --> 00:07:49,089 Not now, Woody. 227 00:07:49,189 --> 00:07:50,688 No. I mean I like your direction. 228 00:07:50,788 --> 00:07:52,488 It's very forceful, very to the point. 229 00:07:52,488 --> 00:07:54,688 Let's go. 230 00:07:54,688 --> 00:07:57,388 Veggie-Boy bartender close-up, take one. 231 00:07:57,488 --> 00:07:58,888 (bell rings) 232 00:07:58,888 --> 00:08:00,188 Rolling. 233 00:08:00,288 --> 00:08:02,288 And... action. 234 00:08:02,288 --> 00:08:04,088 So, how is this new drink, Veggie-Boy? 235 00:08:04,188 --> 00:08:05,388 I... (laughs) 236 00:08:05,488 --> 00:08:07,288 DIRECTOR: Cut. (bell rings) 237 00:08:07,288 --> 00:08:11,088 Mr. Peterson made a goofy face! 238 00:08:11,088 --> 00:08:12,688 I did not. 239 00:08:12,688 --> 00:08:14,688 It's my normal expression. 240 00:08:14,788 --> 00:08:15,988 Stop it! 241 00:08:16,088 --> 00:08:17,788 Woody, could we have your friend wait out in the hallway? 242 00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:18,988 I didn't do anything! 243 00:08:18,988 --> 00:08:20,488 Oh, quit looking so goofy! 244 00:08:20,488 --> 00:08:22,288 (Sam laughs) 245 00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:24,688 (bell rings) Take two. 246 00:08:24,788 --> 00:08:26,788 If you insist. 247 00:08:29,088 --> 00:08:30,587 Action. 248 00:08:30,587 --> 00:08:32,687 So, how is this new drink, Veggie-Boy? 249 00:08:32,687 --> 00:08:34,787 (laughing) 250 00:08:36,887 --> 00:08:37,787 I'm sorry. 251 00:08:37,887 --> 00:08:39,687 I'll go join my goofy friend. 252 00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,187 What? 253 00:08:42,287 --> 00:08:44,287 Oh, yeah, all right, here you go. 254 00:08:45,887 --> 00:08:46,987 Once again, 255 00:08:47,087 --> 00:08:48,187 action. 256 00:08:48,287 --> 00:08:50,987 So, how is this new drink, Veggie-Boy? 257 00:08:58,287 --> 00:08:59,987 I like it. 258 00:09:00,087 --> 00:09:01,287 Cut! Print! That's it. Great! 259 00:09:01,387 --> 00:09:03,287 (bell rings) Let's get out of here. 260 00:09:07,887 --> 00:09:10,686 Thanks for not being funny, Mr. Clavin. 261 00:09:17,586 --> 00:09:19,486 Woody, when is the commercial gonna be on? 262 00:09:19,586 --> 00:09:21,886 I've seen this Quincy five times. 263 00:09:21,986 --> 00:09:23,786 It's coming right up, Carla, next break. 264 00:09:23,786 --> 00:09:24,786 Some coroner. 265 00:09:24,886 --> 00:09:27,186 Every week, he has to dig up the body 266 00:09:27,286 --> 00:09:29,586 to find something he missed the first time. 267 00:09:29,686 --> 00:09:31,586 (scoffs) Oh! 268 00:09:31,586 --> 00:09:32,786 What a surprise! 269 00:09:32,886 --> 00:09:36,386 He found a bullet in the skull! 270 00:09:36,486 --> 00:09:38,186 Oh, quiet, everybody. It's on. All right. 271 00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:39,886 Turn it up, Miss Howe. 272 00:09:39,886 --> 00:09:43,086 MALE ANNOUNCER (on TV): ...new Veggie-Boy, available in regular and chunky. 273 00:09:43,186 --> 00:09:46,086 JILL (on TV): So, how is this new drink, Veggie-Boy? 274 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,286 I like it. 275 00:09:47,386 --> 00:09:48,086 SAM: Hey, hey! 276 00:09:48,186 --> 00:09:50,086 (cheering and applause) 277 00:09:50,086 --> 00:09:52,185 Hey! All right! 278 00:09:52,285 --> 00:09:55,785 REBECCA: Wonderful performance, Woody! 279 00:09:55,885 --> 00:09:59,285 Woody, we always knew you had it in you to be a corporate shill. 280 00:09:59,385 --> 00:10:01,185 Yeah. Thanks, Dr. Crane. 281 00:10:01,285 --> 00:10:04,585 Thanks all of you for throwing me this great party. 282 00:10:04,585 --> 00:10:05,985 But it isn't over yet, Woody. 283 00:10:06,085 --> 00:10:09,785 I took the liberty of ordering 23 cases of Veggie-Boy. 284 00:10:09,885 --> 00:10:12,085 We're the first ones in town to have it, and Woody, 285 00:10:12,185 --> 00:10:15,985 first taste goes to you. 286 00:10:15,985 --> 00:10:17,685 Mmm. 287 00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:19,285 Wow! 288 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,585 My first Veggie-Boy! 289 00:10:20,685 --> 00:10:22,985 All right, yeah! 290 00:10:23,085 --> 00:10:26,585 MALE ANNOUNCER: Veggie-Boy is chock-full of all the vegetables... 291 00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:28,385 Oh, it's disgusting! 292 00:10:28,485 --> 00:10:30,784 REBECCA: Woody, shh, shh, 293 00:10:30,784 --> 00:10:32,984 shh, shh! Look, you're on channel seven! 294 00:10:32,984 --> 00:10:34,084 I like it! 295 00:10:34,084 --> 00:10:35,284 I don't like it! I hate it! 296 00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:36,584 I like it. 297 00:10:36,684 --> 00:10:37,884 Shut up, Woody! I like it! 298 00:10:37,984 --> 00:10:40,284 You hate it! You're a liar-- a filthy, rotten liar! 299 00:10:40,384 --> 00:10:41,684 I like it! 300 00:10:41,784 --> 00:10:43,484 I like it! I like it! 301 00:10:43,484 --> 00:10:44,584 WOODY: Somebody make him stop!! 302 00:10:44,584 --> 00:10:45,384 I like it! 303 00:10:45,484 --> 00:10:46,184 I like it! 304 00:10:46,184 --> 00:10:47,584 I like it! 305 00:10:53,242 --> 00:10:55,742 I can't believe I was just on 14 channels, 306 00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:57,842 saying I like this stuff when I really hate it. 307 00:10:57,942 --> 00:11:00,242 No, that's, uh, 15 channels, Woody. 308 00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,042 Everybody always forgets Lifetime. 309 00:11:03,842 --> 00:11:06,242 Woody, wait a minute now. It can't be that bad here. 310 00:11:06,342 --> 00:11:08,242 Let's take a look at the ingredients. 311 00:11:08,342 --> 00:11:12,041 "Water, broccoli, cauliflower and kale." 312 00:11:12,141 --> 00:11:15,941 Well, maybe it just sounds bad in black and white. 313 00:11:23,341 --> 00:11:25,441 Kale was not a good idea. 314 00:11:32,941 --> 00:11:35,641 Oh, Woody, Woody, shoot, I just forgot here. 315 00:11:35,741 --> 00:11:37,241 This came for you. 316 00:11:37,341 --> 00:11:39,241 Looks like something from the commercial company. 317 00:11:39,341 --> 00:11:40,341 Probably a paycheck. 318 00:11:40,441 --> 00:11:41,641 Oh, I-I can't cash that. 319 00:11:41,741 --> 00:11:42,841 I can't even open it. 320 00:11:42,941 --> 00:11:45,041 That'd be like paying me for lying. 321 00:11:45,041 --> 00:11:46,541 My mother always told me that lying 322 00:11:46,641 --> 00:11:49,141 is the worst of the seven deadly sins. 323 00:11:49,241 --> 00:11:51,540 Wait, wait, wait, lying is one of the seven deadly sins? 324 00:11:51,540 --> 00:11:53,340 CLIFF: Yeah, of course it is. You got, uh... 325 00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:55,940 lust, greed, bashful... 326 00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:01,140 That's the seven deadly dwarfs. 327 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:03,840 No, Woody, hold on a second. 328 00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,640 Listen, sometimes lying can be good. 329 00:12:05,740 --> 00:12:09,240 I remember when I was playing for the Sox. 330 00:12:09,340 --> 00:12:10,940 One day there was a rumor going around 331 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,440 that a backup catcher was about to be cut. 332 00:12:13,540 --> 00:12:15,640 Everybody knew about it except him. 333 00:12:15,740 --> 00:12:18,640 We found out on the exact day that was his birthday. 334 00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:20,140 He came up to me and he said, 335 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,540 "Sam is it true? Am I going to be cut from the team?" 336 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,340 And I looked him right in the eye and I said, "No. 337 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:26,740 Happy birthday." 338 00:12:26,740 --> 00:12:28,540 And that guy went off and had the best 339 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:29,940 birthday of his life. 340 00:12:29,940 --> 00:12:31,039 And as it turns out, 341 00:12:31,139 --> 00:12:32,739 the next day he wasn't even cut. 342 00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:35,539 So it's better that you lied to him. 343 00:12:35,639 --> 00:12:37,839 Wow. 344 00:12:37,839 --> 00:12:39,639 That's a great story, Sam. 345 00:12:39,739 --> 00:12:40,939 You've given me a lot to think about. 346 00:12:41,039 --> 00:12:42,439 Thanks. Yeah, no, thank you. 347 00:12:46,739 --> 00:12:49,539 Sam, is, uh... Yeah? 348 00:12:49,539 --> 00:12:50,939 is that stuff really true? 349 00:12:51,039 --> 00:12:53,139 Well, most of it. Yeah. 350 00:12:53,239 --> 00:12:57,439 It wasn't the catcher, it was me. 351 00:12:57,439 --> 00:12:59,339 And, uh, I was cut. 352 00:12:59,339 --> 00:13:01,639 And the fellas didn't have any problem telling me about it. 353 00:13:04,139 --> 00:13:06,839 But it was my birthday. 354 00:13:06,939 --> 00:13:08,139 Happy birthday, liar. 355 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,438 Hey, Woody, Woody... 356 00:13:14,738 --> 00:13:16,338 Where's Woody? 357 00:13:16,438 --> 00:13:18,938 He's in the poolroom hating himself for lying. 358 00:13:19,038 --> 00:13:20,138 Oh... 359 00:13:20,238 --> 00:13:21,538 I thought he'd gotten over that. 360 00:13:21,638 --> 00:13:22,938 Yeah, well, he's trying, 361 00:13:23,038 --> 00:13:26,338 but somebody keeps reminding him every five minutes. 362 00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:30,638 Hey, Pinocchio! 363 00:13:30,738 --> 00:13:33,838 It's 5:00, do you know where your commercial's playing? 364 00:13:35,238 --> 00:13:36,438 LILITH: Carla, that's just 365 00:13:36,438 --> 00:13:38,838 a little bit sadistic, isn't it? 366 00:13:38,938 --> 00:13:40,238 Yeah, but I like Woody. 367 00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:43,838 SAM: Boy, he's really taking it hard. 368 00:13:43,938 --> 00:13:45,738 Yeah, poor kid. 369 00:13:45,738 --> 00:13:47,538 I really feel sorry for him. 370 00:13:47,638 --> 00:13:48,938 Hey, what do you say we, uh, 371 00:13:49,038 --> 00:13:52,237 pass the time with, uh, one of these trivia napkins here? 372 00:13:52,237 --> 00:13:53,937 Oh! 373 00:13:53,937 --> 00:13:56,637 So you're finally, uh, starting to enjoy these jobbies, huh? 374 00:13:56,737 --> 00:13:58,737 Yeah, I was acting like a big baby there, Sam. 375 00:13:58,737 --> 00:14:00,537 I know you guys like me a lot more than 376 00:14:00,537 --> 00:14:02,437 some cheap stack of paper. 377 00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:04,437 Yeah, whatever. 378 00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:08,137 Well, this is the most 379 00:14:08,137 --> 00:14:10,037 boring napkin we've come across. 380 00:14:10,037 --> 00:14:11,837 What's the question? Well, who can tell? 381 00:14:11,937 --> 00:14:13,637 It looks as though it was homemade. 382 00:14:13,737 --> 00:14:15,437 It looks like some moron typed it 383 00:14:15,537 --> 00:14:17,437 on some old manual typewriter. 384 00:14:19,037 --> 00:14:20,137 How odd. 385 00:14:20,137 --> 00:14:21,237 Read the question. 386 00:14:21,337 --> 00:14:23,637 This is not a napkin. 387 00:14:23,637 --> 00:14:25,637 It's a cry for help. 388 00:14:27,837 --> 00:14:29,137 All right. 389 00:14:29,237 --> 00:14:31,336 So I forged a napkin! Can you blame me? 390 00:14:31,436 --> 00:14:33,636 I've been sitting here for the better part of the '80s, 391 00:14:33,736 --> 00:14:35,136 trying to enliven the discussion 392 00:14:35,236 --> 00:14:36,836 and broaden a few horizons with the benefit 393 00:14:36,836 --> 00:14:38,836 of my special brand of my arcane knowledge, 394 00:14:38,936 --> 00:14:40,836 and then these stupid napkins come waltzing in. 395 00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:42,436 And then I'm out. 396 00:14:42,536 --> 00:14:43,836 Well... 397 00:14:43,936 --> 00:14:44,836 I've had it. 398 00:14:44,936 --> 00:14:46,936 It's time to make a choice, fellas. 399 00:14:46,975 --> 00:14:49,575 Me... or the napkins? 400 00:14:56,575 --> 00:14:58,175 Or both. Maybe we can alternate. 401 00:14:58,175 --> 00:15:00,875 We can do that., yeah. 402 00:15:00,975 --> 00:15:02,475 A round of drinks for my friends here! 403 00:15:02,475 --> 00:15:04,775 All right. Yeah. 404 00:15:04,775 --> 00:15:07,075 I'd like to see a napkin do that, huh? 405 00:15:07,175 --> 00:15:09,775 Excuse me, could I get some service? Oh, yeah. 406 00:15:09,911 --> 00:15:11,011 I'm sorry. What can I get you? 407 00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:12,310 What do you recommend? 408 00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:13,210 What's the difference? 409 00:15:13,210 --> 00:15:15,610 You wouldn't believe me anyway. 410 00:15:15,710 --> 00:15:19,110 I'm just an incorrigible liar pumping a handcart to hell. 411 00:15:20,884 --> 00:15:23,484 Woody, why are you torturing yourself like this? 412 00:15:23,584 --> 00:15:24,784 Because I deserve it. 413 00:15:24,884 --> 00:15:26,784 I lied to America. 414 00:15:26,784 --> 00:15:30,384 I lied to that all-important 18- to 35-year-old target group. 415 00:15:30,484 --> 00:15:32,184 Woody, you only feel that you're a liar 416 00:15:32,284 --> 00:15:34,284 because you endorsed a product you don't like. 417 00:15:34,284 --> 00:15:36,584 But what if you could actually learn to like it? 418 00:15:36,684 --> 00:15:39,784 How am I gonna learn to like broccoli, cauliflower and kale? 419 00:15:39,884 --> 00:15:41,084 Well, Wood, some things you have 420 00:15:41,084 --> 00:15:43,584 to sort of develop a taste for slowly, you know? 421 00:15:43,684 --> 00:15:46,084 All right, look, uh, give me a beer, okay? 422 00:15:46,184 --> 00:15:49,084 Now, we'll put a stalk of broccoli in that beer, okay? 423 00:15:49,184 --> 00:15:50,984 Now you drink the beer and the beer taste 424 00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,383 is gonna kill the taste of the broccoli, 425 00:15:52,483 --> 00:15:54,683 but slowly you'll get used to it, okay? 426 00:15:54,783 --> 00:15:56,383 Go ahead. We don't have any broccoli. 427 00:15:57,683 --> 00:16:00,583 Well, thanks for the beer. 428 00:16:00,583 --> 00:16:02,783 You know, Woody, 429 00:16:02,883 --> 00:16:04,983 the way Ma got me used to a new vegetable 430 00:16:05,083 --> 00:16:06,283 like, say, uh... 431 00:16:06,283 --> 00:16:07,483 oh, brussels sprouts. 432 00:16:07,583 --> 00:16:09,783 She used to put a few in each of my pockets 433 00:16:09,883 --> 00:16:11,983 and have me, uh, walk around with them all day. 434 00:16:12,083 --> 00:16:14,083 Well, thanks, Mr. Clavin, 435 00:16:14,083 --> 00:16:16,183 but brussels sprouts aren't the problem. 436 00:16:16,283 --> 00:16:17,683 Well, you should try it anyway. 437 00:16:17,783 --> 00:16:19,283 It's a nice feeling. 438 00:16:20,483 --> 00:16:21,683 FRASIER: Woody. 439 00:16:21,783 --> 00:16:23,983 Woody, you know, Sigmund Freud 440 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,883 might suggest that your aversion to vegetables 441 00:16:26,883 --> 00:16:29,183 stems from some early childhood trauma. 442 00:16:29,283 --> 00:16:31,582 (sputters) 443 00:16:31,682 --> 00:16:33,682 You sputtered, my darling? 444 00:16:33,782 --> 00:16:36,182 Honestly, Frasier, you must be the last 445 00:16:36,282 --> 00:16:38,482 psychiatrist on Earth who hasn't abandoned 446 00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,882 Sigmund Freud's theories. 447 00:16:39,982 --> 00:16:41,482 What are you saying? 448 00:16:41,482 --> 00:16:43,582 Merely that his theories are outdated, 449 00:16:43,682 --> 00:16:45,282 sexist superstitions 450 00:16:45,282 --> 00:16:47,382 unsupported by a shred of clinical evidence. 451 00:16:47,482 --> 00:16:49,982 You're drunk. 452 00:16:49,982 --> 00:16:52,482 My wife is completely smashed, blotto. 453 00:16:52,482 --> 00:16:56,782 Sam, no more boilermakers for Dr. Sternin-Crane. 454 00:16:56,882 --> 00:16:58,582 Frasier, I've had nothing to drink. 455 00:16:58,682 --> 00:17:00,882 Ah, the worst kind of drunk. 456 00:17:02,182 --> 00:17:03,882 For your information, 457 00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:05,582 Sigmund Freud has a lot to teach us 458 00:17:05,582 --> 00:17:06,782 about Woody's problem. 459 00:17:06,882 --> 00:17:08,782 I daresay that if the Master were with us today, 460 00:17:08,782 --> 00:17:10,282 he would, after striking Lilith, 461 00:17:10,282 --> 00:17:12,781 tell us that Woody is suffering 462 00:17:12,881 --> 00:17:14,681 from a subconscious barrier, 463 00:17:14,781 --> 00:17:18,381 easily removed by some elemental Freudian analysis. 464 00:17:18,481 --> 00:17:20,481 Well, isn't there anything faster? 465 00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:24,081 Oh, many things, but nothing quite as lucrative. 466 00:17:25,881 --> 00:17:27,181 But if you wish instant relief, 467 00:17:27,281 --> 00:17:29,381 I suppose we could try a little, uh, 468 00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:30,681 well, posthypnotic suggestion. 469 00:17:30,781 --> 00:17:32,081 (sputters) 470 00:17:35,981 --> 00:17:38,481 Another wet objection, my love? 471 00:17:38,581 --> 00:17:41,481 Hypnosis, Frasier? 472 00:17:41,581 --> 00:17:43,981 Why only go back a century for your treatment? 473 00:17:44,081 --> 00:17:46,081 Why not bleed him with leeches? 474 00:17:46,181 --> 00:17:48,081 Or drill a hole in his cranium 475 00:17:48,081 --> 00:17:50,381 and let the evil spirits leak out? 476 00:17:50,381 --> 00:17:52,080 Ignore her, Woody. 477 00:17:52,180 --> 00:17:53,580 It's the gin talking. 478 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,980 Or maybe the reason he doesn't like vegetables 479 00:17:55,980 --> 00:17:58,080 is because they remind him of his mother. 480 00:17:58,180 --> 00:17:59,580 Ooh! 481 00:18:01,980 --> 00:18:03,080 Hey, hypnosis, huh? 482 00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:05,180 That's cool, Doc. 483 00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:07,080 Sam, hypnosis is not a parlor game. 484 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:08,380 Although last week at a party, 485 00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:10,780 I did get quite a few laughs by hypnotizing Lilith 486 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,780 into removing her shoes whenever anyone 487 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,080 mentioned brie cheese. 488 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,180 Frasier, you did no such thing. 489 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,480 Very funny. WOODY: I don't know 490 00:18:20,580 --> 00:18:22,380 if hypnotism will work on me, Dr. Crane. 491 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,280 I'm pretty strong-willed. 492 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:25,980 And what's she, brie cheese? 493 00:18:28,580 --> 00:18:30,380 Stop that. 494 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:31,580 FRASIER: Woody! 495 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,979 Let's go into the office and watch that watch. 496 00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:35,979 LILITH: Oh, for God's sake, Frasier. 497 00:18:35,979 --> 00:18:37,779 First you espouse Sigmund Freud. 498 00:18:37,879 --> 00:18:39,879 Now, you've moved on to Dr. Mesmer. 499 00:18:39,879 --> 00:18:42,779 This is not professional conduct. 500 00:18:42,879 --> 00:18:43,879 Point taken, my darling. 501 00:18:43,979 --> 00:18:45,379 Oh, by the way, 502 00:18:45,479 --> 00:18:46,879 is that a tambourine behind you? 503 00:18:46,979 --> 00:18:49,579 A tambourine? 504 00:18:49,679 --> 00:18:51,379 What an odd question. 505 00:18:52,779 --> 00:18:54,679 You are in such trouble, mister. 506 00:19:02,579 --> 00:19:03,879 You know, I was thinking. 507 00:19:03,879 --> 00:19:05,679 What is kale, anyway? 508 00:19:05,779 --> 00:19:08,579 Uh, you know, some kind of a lettuce thing 509 00:19:08,679 --> 00:19:09,979 they use in salad bars, isn't it? 510 00:19:10,079 --> 00:19:11,079 Oh. No. 511 00:19:11,179 --> 00:19:12,678 No, uh, kale is not a green, per se, 512 00:19:12,778 --> 00:19:14,278 but more of a family of greens. 513 00:19:14,378 --> 00:19:15,978 See, anything with a pungent aroma 514 00:19:15,978 --> 00:19:17,978 and a loose head can properly be called "kale." 515 00:19:18,078 --> 00:19:19,878 Get you another beer, kale? 516 00:19:22,104 --> 00:19:24,804 I feel like I've been asleep for a hundred years. 517 00:19:24,904 --> 00:19:25,904 Did it work? 518 00:19:26,004 --> 00:19:27,404 Well, there's only one way to find out. 519 00:19:27,504 --> 00:19:28,804 Sam, set us up. 520 00:19:28,904 --> 00:19:31,504 Yeah, I got a couple left here. 521 00:19:33,304 --> 00:19:35,304 (chuckles) Now watch, Lilith, 522 00:19:35,404 --> 00:19:39,004 and all the rest of you naysayers. 523 00:19:39,104 --> 00:19:41,804 So, how is this new drink, Veggie-Boy? 524 00:19:47,004 --> 00:19:49,004 I like it. Yeah, right. 525 00:19:49,004 --> 00:19:51,404 No, no, I really like it! 526 00:19:51,504 --> 00:19:52,703 I love it! 527 00:19:52,803 --> 00:19:54,103 Boy, you know, I'm not a liar anymore. 528 00:19:54,203 --> 00:19:56,403 NORM: All right! Mmm. 529 00:19:56,503 --> 00:19:59,103 Oh, you can really taste the kale. 530 00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:06,203 You know what this means? 531 00:20:06,303 --> 00:20:07,903 Now that I'm not a liar anymore, 532 00:20:07,903 --> 00:20:09,803 I can take that envelope and I can cash 533 00:20:09,903 --> 00:20:11,703 that check at the bank and I can just 534 00:20:11,803 --> 00:20:13,803 spend it all on Veggie-Boy! 535 00:20:13,969 --> 00:20:15,369 Whoo! 536 00:20:15,369 --> 00:20:17,269 Hey, you really did a number on him; look at him go there. 537 00:20:17,369 --> 00:20:19,069 Woody is highly suggestible. 538 00:20:19,169 --> 00:20:21,169 I had the mission accomplished in five minutes. 539 00:20:21,169 --> 00:20:22,369 You had him under for two hours. 540 00:20:22,369 --> 00:20:23,869 What were you doing the rest of the time? 541 00:20:23,969 --> 00:20:25,669 Just snooping. 542 00:20:25,769 --> 00:20:28,069 We'll, uh, we'll talk later. 543 00:20:29,969 --> 00:20:32,069 Well, I don't understand this. 544 00:20:32,169 --> 00:20:33,268 It's not a check, 545 00:20:33,268 --> 00:20:35,068 it's a letter from the ad agency. 546 00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:36,168 Well, what's it say? 547 00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:37,468 It says that 548 00:20:37,568 --> 00:20:39,268 "due to lack of consumer interest, 549 00:20:39,268 --> 00:20:40,468 they're discontinuing the product." 550 00:20:40,568 --> 00:20:41,668 What does that mean? 551 00:20:41,768 --> 00:20:42,568 I think it means they're not 552 00:20:42,668 --> 00:20:44,468 going to make Veggie-Boy anymore. 553 00:20:44,468 --> 00:20:45,868 I guess nobody liked it. 554 00:20:45,868 --> 00:20:47,968 How could they not like it? 555 00:20:48,068 --> 00:20:49,968 It's broccoli, cauliflower and kale! 556 00:20:49,968 --> 00:20:52,568 Has America gone mad? 557 00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:54,368 Wood, um, it's not that great, okay? 558 00:20:54,468 --> 00:20:55,168 Shut up, Mr. Peterson. 559 00:20:55,368 --> 00:20:58,068 Don't talk bad about Veggie-Boy! 560 00:20:58,068 --> 00:21:01,168 Nice work, Dr. Frankenstein. 561 00:21:01,168 --> 00:21:02,768 They're stopped making it, how am I gonna get it? 562 00:21:02,868 --> 00:21:04,868 I need my Veggie-Boy. 563 00:21:04,868 --> 00:21:06,468 This is all there is? 564 00:21:06,468 --> 00:21:08,768 This isn't even gonna last me through the night! 565 00:21:11,168 --> 00:21:12,467 Woody, let's go back in the office. 566 00:21:12,567 --> 00:21:14,167 I know, I know. I can take this to a lab 567 00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:16,067 and have it analyzed. I can make my own. 568 00:21:16,167 --> 00:21:17,367 You know, I've got a blender. 569 00:21:17,467 --> 00:21:18,667 SAM: Woody... 570 00:21:18,667 --> 00:21:19,667 I'll move back to Indiana. 571 00:21:19,667 --> 00:21:21,367 I'll grow kale! Woody, watch the watch. 572 00:21:21,467 --> 00:21:22,867 Get that watch out of my face, old man. 573 00:21:22,967 --> 00:21:24,267 I've got crops to plant! 574 00:21:25,567 --> 00:21:27,167 Woody, you need my help! 575 00:21:27,267 --> 00:21:27,967 I don't need your help! 576 00:21:28,167 --> 00:21:29,767 All I need is three tons of topsoil 577 00:21:29,867 --> 00:21:31,367 and a big, yellow tractor! 578 00:21:31,367 --> 00:21:32,367 "Tractor"? 579 00:21:32,367 --> 00:21:35,567 ¶ The sun'll come out tomorrow... ¶ 580 00:21:35,567 --> 00:21:37,767 FRASIER: Lilith, lower your damn skirt and watch the watch!41708

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