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1
00:00:01,117 --> 00:00:04,017
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,017 --> 00:00:05,217
(crowd murmuring)
3
00:00:05,217 --> 00:00:06,517
CLIFF:
Hi, Woody.
Hey!
4
00:00:06,617 --> 00:00:08,317
NORM:
Hey, Woodster!
5
00:00:08,317 --> 00:00:09,617
How was that first night
in your new apartment?
6
00:00:09,717 --> 00:00:11,017
It's great,
Mr. Peterson.
Yeah.
7
00:00:11,117 --> 00:00:13,417
It's the nicest place
I've ever stayed at.
Yeah?
8
00:00:13,517 --> 00:00:14,917
And that includes
the night in Hanover
9
00:00:15,017 --> 00:00:17,317
I got locked in the storeroom
in the Piggly Wiggly.
10
00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:18,617
It was cold
11
00:00:18,617 --> 00:00:20,817
and lonely, but the food!
12
00:00:20,917 --> 00:00:23,017
Anyway,
13
00:00:23,117 --> 00:00:25,717
it's no Piggly Wiggly,
but it's got cable.
14
00:00:25,717 --> 00:00:27,817
All right.
Is it furnished?
15
00:00:27,917 --> 00:00:29,416
Well, no,
but it's got this cable
16
00:00:29,516 --> 00:00:31,316
that comes right out
of the wall,
17
00:00:31,316 --> 00:00:33,416
fits right into the TV.
18
00:00:33,516 --> 00:00:34,816
I hope
it's in a safer neighborhood
19
00:00:34,916 --> 00:00:36,216
than that last dive of yours.
20
00:00:36,316 --> 00:00:38,116
Well, no, actually,
it's a little worse,
21
00:00:38,216 --> 00:00:40,416
but... it's got cable.
22
00:00:40,416 --> 00:00:41,616
CLIFF:
Well,
23
00:00:41,716 --> 00:00:43,116
if it's unfurnished,
you must be
24
00:00:43,216 --> 00:00:45,016
getting a break
in the rent, huh?
25
00:00:45,116 --> 00:00:47,216
Well, no,
it's actually a little more,
26
00:00:47,316 --> 00:00:50,016
but you got to expect that
with cable.
27
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:51,116
Well, whatever.
28
00:00:51,216 --> 00:00:52,616
I think cable's great.
29
00:00:52,616 --> 00:00:54,116
They had Robocop on last night.
30
00:00:54,216 --> 00:00:55,716
Did you catch that?
31
00:00:55,716 --> 00:00:57,916
No. The cable was
out last night.
32
00:01:00,416 --> 00:01:02,316
(theme song begins)
33
00:01:03,316 --> 00:01:06,016
¶ Sometimes you want to go
34
00:01:06,016 --> 00:01:09,615
¶ Where everybody
knows your name ¶
35
00:01:11,615 --> 00:01:15,815
¶ And they're always
glad you came ¶
36
00:01:15,815 --> 00:01:18,315
¶ You wanna be
where you can see ¶
37
00:01:18,415 --> 00:01:21,015
¶ The troubles
are all the same ¶
38
00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:26,515
¶ You wanna go where everybody
knows your name. ¶
39
00:01:44,073 --> 00:01:45,173
Afternoon, everybody.
40
00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:46,673
CROWD:
Norm!
41
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,672
What can I do
for you, Norm?
42
00:01:48,672 --> 00:01:51,472
Open up those beer taps
and take the day off, Sam.
43
00:01:51,572 --> 00:01:53,572
CARLA: Here you
go, Sammy.
44
00:01:53,672 --> 00:01:54,972
Ooh, ooh,
yeah, yeah.
45
00:01:54,972 --> 00:01:56,472
Fellas, fellas...
46
00:01:56,572 --> 00:01:58,172
Check them out.
47
00:01:58,272 --> 00:01:59,272
New napkins, huh?
48
00:01:59,372 --> 00:02:00,272
New napkins.
49
00:02:00,372 --> 00:02:01,672
What's this, huh?
50
00:02:01,772 --> 00:02:04,472
Oh, look. There's some kind
of brain teaser on them.
51
00:02:04,572 --> 00:02:06,372
Yup. You're out of luck.
52
00:02:06,472 --> 00:02:08,172
SAM:
No, no, no, these
are not brain teasers.
53
00:02:08,272 --> 00:02:10,072
These are, uh,
trivia napkins.
54
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:11,372
Ever since
I got the bar back,
55
00:02:11,472 --> 00:02:13,172
I've been looking
for ways to say,
56
00:02:13,172 --> 00:02:15,572
"Hey, thank you
for patronizing me."
57
00:02:15,672 --> 00:02:18,872
Oh, Sam, I-I know you wanted
to use a great big word there.
58
00:02:20,672 --> 00:02:21,672
I think that's marvelous,
59
00:02:21,772 --> 00:02:24,072
but I believe
what you meant to say was,
60
00:02:24,072 --> 00:02:25,572
"Thank you
for your patronage."
61
00:02:25,672 --> 00:02:26,672
Really? What's the difference?
62
00:02:26,672 --> 00:02:27,872
Patronage
63
00:02:27,972 --> 00:02:28,971
means customers.
64
00:02:29,071 --> 00:02:30,871
Patronizing is the way
one would talk
65
00:02:30,971 --> 00:02:33,071
to a small, dull child.
66
00:02:33,171 --> 00:02:36,671
Kind of like how you're talking
to me right now?
67
00:02:36,771 --> 00:02:37,871
Aren't you cute!
68
00:02:39,871 --> 00:02:40,871
Okay, all right,
here's one.
69
00:02:40,971 --> 00:02:42,071
(clears throat)
70
00:02:42,171 --> 00:02:43,671
"What is the oldest
state capital
71
00:02:43,671 --> 00:02:44,971
in the country?"
72
00:02:45,071 --> 00:02:46,271
CLIFF:
Crying out
loud, Norm.
73
00:02:46,371 --> 00:02:47,871
I told you that
weeks ago!
Shh.
74
00:02:47,971 --> 00:02:50,071
Just don't-don't
wreck it for the rest
of us, then, okay?
75
00:02:50,171 --> 00:02:50,771
Providence, Rhode Island?
76
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:51,771
Boston?
77
00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:53,271
No. Santa Fe,
New Mexico.
78
00:02:53,271 --> 00:02:54,471
Hey!
Wow. Isn't that
fascinating?
79
00:02:54,471 --> 00:02:55,971
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
80
00:02:56,071 --> 00:02:57,071
Good old Santa Fe!
81
00:02:57,171 --> 00:02:58,271
Ancient capital of
the Conquistadors,
82
00:02:58,371 --> 00:02:59,671
founded 1609.
83
00:02:59,671 --> 00:03:00,871
Hey, here's one.
84
00:03:00,971 --> 00:03:04,471
"What civilization was
the first known to brew beer?"
85
00:03:04,429 --> 00:03:05,229
Early Greece.
86
00:03:05,329 --> 00:03:06,029
Ancient Rome.
87
00:03:06,129 --> 00:03:07,229
Old Milwaukee.
88
00:03:07,329 --> 00:03:09,228
(chuckles)
89
00:03:11,428 --> 00:03:12,528
Ancient
Egypt.
Get out!
90
00:03:12,628 --> 00:03:13,728
Hey, that's
something.
91
00:03:13,828 --> 00:03:16,028
I never knew that trivia
could be so fascinating.
92
00:03:16,128 --> 00:03:17,528
Oh, hold
the phone here!
93
00:03:17,628 --> 00:03:18,128
I gave you
94
00:03:18,228 --> 00:03:19,628
that fact
months ago.
95
00:03:19,728 --> 00:03:21,228
You said you weren't
interested then.
96
00:03:21,328 --> 00:03:22,528
Well, you
know, Cliffie,
97
00:03:22,628 --> 00:03:24,528
it's different
with the napkins.
98
00:03:26,928 --> 00:03:28,328
What's so
different?
99
00:03:28,328 --> 00:03:30,628
Well, napkins don't
spit when they talk.
100
00:03:30,728 --> 00:03:32,728
REBECCA:
Oh, relax.
101
00:03:32,828 --> 00:03:33,828
Woody, you
poor thing!
102
00:03:33,928 --> 00:03:35,128
You have to
stop worrying.
103
00:03:35,228 --> 00:03:36,428
You're gonna
do just fine!
104
00:03:36,528 --> 00:03:38,228
You're going to
do a great job.
105
00:03:38,228 --> 00:03:39,428
Don't you think,
Carla?
106
00:03:39,528 --> 00:03:41,428
I think he's
gonna bomb.
At what?
107
00:03:41,528 --> 00:03:43,728
Beats me, but I think
I'm on pretty safe ground.
108
00:03:43,828 --> 00:03:46,628
WOODY:
I know it's just a small part
in a commercial,
109
00:03:46,728 --> 00:03:48,228
but I don't know
if I have the skill
110
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:49,827
or the technique
to pull it off.
111
00:03:49,827 --> 00:03:50,927
Well, what do you play, Wood?
112
00:03:51,069 --> 00:03:52,769
A bartender.
113
00:03:54,269 --> 00:03:55,869
(laughs)
114
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:57,669
Woody, you are
a bartender.
115
00:03:57,769 --> 00:03:59,869
Yeah, well, but in
this commercial,
116
00:03:59,869 --> 00:04:01,269
I have to
serve drinks.
117
00:04:01,269 --> 00:04:03,069
Wood, you serve drinks
all the time.
118
00:04:03,169 --> 00:04:06,269
Yeah, but in this
commercial, I have to
talk and serve drinks.
119
00:04:06,369 --> 00:04:08,669
You talk and serve drinks
right here every day.
120
00:04:08,769 --> 00:04:10,169
Oh, great, Sam!
121
00:04:10,169 --> 00:04:12,669
Now you've made me nervous
about working here, too.
122
00:04:15,269 --> 00:04:18,069
Woody, perhaps
it would help you to...
123
00:04:18,169 --> 00:04:19,869
to rehearse
your lines with us.
Yeah.
124
00:04:19,869 --> 00:04:21,069
I only have one.
125
00:04:21,169 --> 00:04:23,069
(laughs)
126
00:04:26,169 --> 00:04:28,169
I like it.
127
00:04:29,768 --> 00:04:33,368
That's a very nice
line, Woody.
128
00:04:33,468 --> 00:04:34,568
Patronizing, right?
129
00:04:34,568 --> 00:04:36,468
Now you're getting it.
130
00:04:38,401 --> 00:04:40,701
I was kind of surprised
when I got the part.
131
00:04:40,701 --> 00:04:42,601
Said they wanted someone
with a fresh face.
132
00:04:42,701 --> 00:04:44,301
I don't know
why they chose me.
133
00:04:44,401 --> 00:04:46,101
Oh, hey,
you're perfect.
134
00:04:46,101 --> 00:04:48,801
Yeah. Maybe when I just
hopped off the bus from Hanover,
135
00:04:48,801 --> 00:04:50,801
but I've been in Boston
for five years.
136
00:04:50,801 --> 00:04:52,001
It changes a guy.
137
00:04:52,101 --> 00:04:54,501
Hardens him,
gives him a cynical edge.
138
00:04:55,401 --> 00:04:58,501
Come on, you're
still fresh.
139
00:04:58,501 --> 00:05:00,201
Jeepers, you think?
140
00:05:02,401 --> 00:05:03,501
Trust me.
141
00:05:03,501 --> 00:05:05,201
Hey, Sam, would
you come on down
142
00:05:05,201 --> 00:05:07,701
to the shoot
with me and keep
telling me that?
143
00:05:07,701 --> 00:05:08,901
Well, sure, Woody.
Yeah. Why not?
144
00:05:09,001 --> 00:05:10,200
NORM:
Hey, Wood,
can I go?
145
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,500
Come on. I never saw
a commercial be shot
146
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,700
or anything
like that.
147
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,100
Yeah! Yeah,
me, neither.
148
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,500
You know, believe it or not,
149
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,400
it's one of the few things
I don't know much about.
150
00:05:19,550 --> 00:05:21,750
I mean, if you guys all
come down there with me,
151
00:05:21,850 --> 00:05:23,050
it's gonna look like
152
00:05:23,150 --> 00:05:25,150
I'm some big snobby star
with an entourage.
153
00:05:25,150 --> 00:05:26,150
All right. Well,
uh, heck with it.
154
00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:27,350
We'll just
stay here.
155
00:05:27,350 --> 00:05:28,650
You tell us
about it later.
156
00:05:28,650 --> 00:05:30,250
No, I like the idea.
157
00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:32,450
You guys can be my
people, all right?
158
00:05:32,450 --> 00:05:34,350
Hey, hey.
Yeah.
159
00:05:34,350 --> 00:05:35,450
I got another idea.
160
00:05:35,450 --> 00:05:36,850
We'll all stop at the mall.
161
00:05:36,950 --> 00:05:38,750
We'll pick up satin jackets
and matching sunglasses.
162
00:05:38,850 --> 00:05:40,650
There you go.
163
00:05:40,750 --> 00:05:42,050
Come on.
164
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,450
(laughter)
165
00:05:43,550 --> 00:05:45,950
That door's not just
gonna open itself.
166
00:05:46,050 --> 00:05:47,450
Oh, I...
I've got that!
167
00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:48,650
(whooping)
168
00:05:48,750 --> 00:05:50,649
(indistinct chatter)
169
00:05:54,449 --> 00:05:55,749
(hammering)
170
00:05:55,749 --> 00:05:59,549
So, Jill, it's great to meet
such a talented actress.
171
00:05:59,549 --> 00:06:02,249
Is there anything
I can look forward
to seeing you in,
172
00:06:02,349 --> 00:06:04,149
like my shower?
173
00:06:04,149 --> 00:06:05,849
(laughing):
You're really funny, Sam.
174
00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:07,849
Did you ever think
of doing standup?
175
00:06:07,949 --> 00:06:09,349
Well, there's
always a first time
176
00:06:09,349 --> 00:06:11,649
for everything,
I guess.
177
00:06:11,749 --> 00:06:13,649
This is spectacular!
178
00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:15,549
Yeah, magic of the movies,
huh, Normie?
179
00:06:15,549 --> 00:06:17,349
No. The magic of
the doughnut table!
180
00:06:17,449 --> 00:06:19,149
Look at these-- got
your, uh, glazed,
181
00:06:19,249 --> 00:06:21,249
you got your chocolate,
you got your buttermilk.
182
00:06:21,349 --> 00:06:23,249
Hey, who sucked
all the filling
183
00:06:23,249 --> 00:06:24,949
out of this
Bavarian creme?
184
00:06:25,049 --> 00:06:27,549
Hey, you guys, guys, you got
something to write on here?
185
00:06:27,549 --> 00:06:28,949
She just gave me her number.
186
00:06:29,049 --> 00:06:31,648
Yeah. Yeah, I got one of
these, uh, trivia napkins.
187
00:06:31,748 --> 00:06:33,348
Hey! My trivia
napkins!
Yeah, yeah.
188
00:06:33,448 --> 00:06:34,648
I've been
carrying it around.
189
00:06:34,648 --> 00:06:35,948
It's kind of a conversation
starter, you know?
190
00:06:36,048 --> 00:06:37,748
Go ahead, ask me the
question, Sammy.
All right, all right.
191
00:06:37,748 --> 00:06:40,048
You guys and your precious
trivia napkins!
192
00:06:40,148 --> 00:06:42,948
If you love them so much,
why don't you marry them?!
193
00:06:43,048 --> 00:06:45,048
Oh, come on, man!
194
00:06:45,048 --> 00:06:46,548
Lighten up,
will you?
195
00:06:46,648 --> 00:06:48,448
Oh! And by the way,
Normie,
196
00:06:48,548 --> 00:06:50,348
I'm the one who sucked
all the filling
197
00:06:50,348 --> 00:06:51,548
out of the
Bavarian creme!
198
00:06:51,648 --> 00:06:53,548
(sucking)
199
00:06:57,748 --> 00:06:59,948
Guys, I'm ready.
How do I look?
200
00:06:59,948 --> 00:07:01,048
Woody.
All right.
201
00:07:01,048 --> 00:07:02,348
You look great.
Huh?
202
00:07:02,348 --> 00:07:04,648
You got... you got, like, junk
all over your face, man.
203
00:07:04,748 --> 00:07:06,948
Oh, pancake.
Whoa.
204
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,448
Is there a steam table
around here I'm missing?
205
00:07:08,548 --> 00:07:10,347
No, no, no. Pancake
is the makeup they use
206
00:07:10,447 --> 00:07:11,547
in show business.
207
00:07:11,647 --> 00:07:12,747
It's real thick
and real heavy,
208
00:07:12,847 --> 00:07:14,247
and it covers
every flaw.
209
00:07:14,247 --> 00:07:16,347
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Vera uses that for primer.
210
00:07:16,447 --> 00:07:17,747
Talent on the set, please.
211
00:07:17,847 --> 00:07:19,347
Oh, that's me.
I got to go.
212
00:07:19,347 --> 00:07:21,647
Oh, hey.
213
00:07:21,647 --> 00:07:23,547
So this is Veggie-Boy!
214
00:07:23,547 --> 00:07:25,847
Should I taste it first?
No, no, don't
drink that.
215
00:07:25,947 --> 00:07:26,847
We sprayed it with
high-gloss latex
216
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,147
so it'll look better
under the lights.
217
00:07:28,247 --> 00:07:29,947
We do it with all the
food we're shooting.
218
00:07:30,047 --> 00:07:33,247
Hey, there's supposed to be a
bowl of beer nuts around here.
219
00:07:33,389 --> 00:07:36,489
Sammy, you got to get these
kind of nuts for the bar.
220
00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,489
They slide right down.
221
00:07:38,489 --> 00:07:39,789
It's great.
222
00:07:39,789 --> 00:07:41,489
Woody, this is
your close-up.
223
00:07:41,489 --> 00:07:43,289
Jill is gonna
feed you your cue.
224
00:07:43,389 --> 00:07:46,389
Just look her right in the
camera and say, "I like it."
225
00:07:46,489 --> 00:07:47,689
I like it.
226
00:07:47,689 --> 00:07:49,089
Not now, Woody.
227
00:07:49,189 --> 00:07:50,688
No. I mean
I like your direction.
228
00:07:50,788 --> 00:07:52,488
It's very forceful,
very to the point.
229
00:07:52,488 --> 00:07:54,688
Let's go.
230
00:07:54,688 --> 00:07:57,388
Veggie-Boy bartender
close-up, take one.
231
00:07:57,488 --> 00:07:58,888
(bell rings)
232
00:07:58,888 --> 00:08:00,188
Rolling.
233
00:08:00,288 --> 00:08:02,288
And... action.
234
00:08:02,288 --> 00:08:04,088
So, how is this new
drink, Veggie-Boy?
235
00:08:04,188 --> 00:08:05,388
I... (laughs)
236
00:08:05,488 --> 00:08:07,288
DIRECTOR:
Cut.
(bell rings)
237
00:08:07,288 --> 00:08:11,088
Mr. Peterson made a goofy face!
238
00:08:11,088 --> 00:08:12,688
I did not.
239
00:08:12,688 --> 00:08:14,688
It's my normal
expression.
240
00:08:14,788 --> 00:08:15,988
Stop it!
241
00:08:16,088 --> 00:08:17,788
Woody, could we have your
friend wait out in the hallway?
242
00:08:17,888 --> 00:08:18,988
I didn't do anything!
243
00:08:18,988 --> 00:08:20,488
Oh, quit looking
so goofy!
244
00:08:20,488 --> 00:08:22,288
(Sam laughs)
245
00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:24,688
(bell rings)
Take two.
246
00:08:24,788 --> 00:08:26,788
If you insist.
247
00:08:29,088 --> 00:08:30,587
Action.
248
00:08:30,587 --> 00:08:32,687
So, how is this new
drink, Veggie-Boy?
249
00:08:32,687 --> 00:08:34,787
(laughing)
250
00:08:36,887 --> 00:08:37,787
I'm sorry.
251
00:08:37,887 --> 00:08:39,687
I'll go join
my goofy friend.
252
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,187
What?
253
00:08:42,287 --> 00:08:44,287
Oh, yeah, all right,
here you go.
254
00:08:45,887 --> 00:08:46,987
Once again,
255
00:08:47,087 --> 00:08:48,187
action.
256
00:08:48,287 --> 00:08:50,987
So, how is this new
drink, Veggie-Boy?
257
00:08:58,287 --> 00:08:59,987
I like it.
258
00:09:00,087 --> 00:09:01,287
Cut! Print!
That's it. Great!
259
00:09:01,387 --> 00:09:03,287
(bell rings)
Let's get out
of here.
260
00:09:07,887 --> 00:09:10,686
Thanks for not being funny,
Mr. Clavin.
261
00:09:17,586 --> 00:09:19,486
Woody, when is the commercial
gonna be on?
262
00:09:19,586 --> 00:09:21,886
I've seen this Quincy
five times.
263
00:09:21,986 --> 00:09:23,786
It's coming right up, Carla,
next break.
264
00:09:23,786 --> 00:09:24,786
Some coroner.
265
00:09:24,886 --> 00:09:27,186
Every week,
he has to dig up the body
266
00:09:27,286 --> 00:09:29,586
to find something
he missed the first time.
267
00:09:29,686 --> 00:09:31,586
(scoffs)
Oh!
268
00:09:31,586 --> 00:09:32,786
What a surprise!
269
00:09:32,886 --> 00:09:36,386
He found a bullet
in the skull!
270
00:09:36,486 --> 00:09:38,186
Oh, quiet, everybody.
It's on. All right.
271
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:39,886
Turn it up,
Miss Howe.
272
00:09:39,886 --> 00:09:43,086
MALE ANNOUNCER (on TV):
...new Veggie-Boy, available
in regular and chunky.
273
00:09:43,186 --> 00:09:46,086
JILL (on TV):
So, how is this new drink,
Veggie-Boy?
274
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,286
I like it.
275
00:09:47,386 --> 00:09:48,086
SAM:
Hey, hey!
276
00:09:48,186 --> 00:09:50,086
(cheering and applause)
277
00:09:50,086 --> 00:09:52,185
Hey! All right!
278
00:09:52,285 --> 00:09:55,785
REBECCA:
Wonderful
performance, Woody!
279
00:09:55,885 --> 00:09:59,285
Woody, we always knew
you had it in you to
be a corporate shill.
280
00:09:59,385 --> 00:10:01,185
Yeah. Thanks, Dr. Crane.
281
00:10:01,285 --> 00:10:04,585
Thanks all of you for
throwing me this great party.
282
00:10:04,585 --> 00:10:05,985
But it isn't over
yet, Woody.
283
00:10:06,085 --> 00:10:09,785
I took the liberty of ordering
23 cases of Veggie-Boy.
284
00:10:09,885 --> 00:10:12,085
We're the first ones
in town to have it, and Woody,
285
00:10:12,185 --> 00:10:15,985
first taste goes
to you.
286
00:10:15,985 --> 00:10:17,685
Mmm.
287
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:19,285
Wow!
288
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,585
My first
Veggie-Boy!
289
00:10:20,685 --> 00:10:22,985
All right,
yeah!
290
00:10:23,085 --> 00:10:26,585
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Veggie-Boy is chock-full
of all the vegetables...
291
00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:28,385
Oh, it's disgusting!
292
00:10:28,485 --> 00:10:30,784
REBECCA:
Woody, shh, shh,
293
00:10:30,784 --> 00:10:32,984
shh, shh! Look,
you're on channel seven!
294
00:10:32,984 --> 00:10:34,084
I like it!
295
00:10:34,084 --> 00:10:35,284
I don't like it!
I hate it!
296
00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:36,584
I like it.
297
00:10:36,684 --> 00:10:37,884
Shut up, Woody!
I like it!
298
00:10:37,984 --> 00:10:40,284
You hate it! You're a liar--
a filthy, rotten liar!
299
00:10:40,384 --> 00:10:41,684
I like it!
300
00:10:41,784 --> 00:10:43,484
I like it! I like it!
301
00:10:43,484 --> 00:10:44,584
WOODY:
Somebody make him stop!!
302
00:10:44,584 --> 00:10:45,384
I like it!
303
00:10:45,484 --> 00:10:46,184
I like it!
304
00:10:46,184 --> 00:10:47,584
I like it!
305
00:10:53,242 --> 00:10:55,742
I can't believe
I was just on 14 channels,
306
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:57,842
saying I like this stuff
when I really hate it.
307
00:10:57,942 --> 00:11:00,242
No, that's, uh,
15 channels, Woody.
308
00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,042
Everybody always
forgets Lifetime.
309
00:11:03,842 --> 00:11:06,242
Woody, wait a minute now.
It can't be that bad here.
310
00:11:06,342 --> 00:11:08,242
Let's take a look
at the ingredients.
311
00:11:08,342 --> 00:11:12,041
"Water, broccoli,
cauliflower and kale."
312
00:11:12,141 --> 00:11:15,941
Well, maybe it just sounds bad
in black and white.
313
00:11:23,341 --> 00:11:25,441
Kale was not a good idea.
314
00:11:32,941 --> 00:11:35,641
Oh, Woody, Woody,
shoot, I just forgot here.
315
00:11:35,741 --> 00:11:37,241
This came for you.
316
00:11:37,341 --> 00:11:39,241
Looks like something
from the commercial company.
317
00:11:39,341 --> 00:11:40,341
Probably a paycheck.
318
00:11:40,441 --> 00:11:41,641
Oh, I-I can't cash that.
319
00:11:41,741 --> 00:11:42,841
I can't even open it.
320
00:11:42,941 --> 00:11:45,041
That'd be like
paying me for lying.
321
00:11:45,041 --> 00:11:46,541
My mother always
told me that lying
322
00:11:46,641 --> 00:11:49,141
is the worst
of the seven deadly sins.
323
00:11:49,241 --> 00:11:51,540
Wait, wait, wait, lying is one
of the seven deadly sins?
324
00:11:51,540 --> 00:11:53,340
CLIFF:
Yeah, of course it is.
You got, uh...
325
00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:55,940
lust, greed, bashful...
326
00:11:58,940 --> 00:12:01,140
That's the seven
deadly dwarfs.
327
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:03,840
No, Woody, hold
on a second.
328
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,640
Listen, sometimes
lying can be good.
329
00:12:05,740 --> 00:12:09,240
I remember when I was
playing for the Sox.
330
00:12:09,340 --> 00:12:10,940
One day there was
a rumor going around
331
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,440
that a backup catcher
was about to be cut.
332
00:12:13,540 --> 00:12:15,640
Everybody knew about
it except him.
333
00:12:15,740 --> 00:12:18,640
We found out on the exact day
that was his birthday.
334
00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:20,140
He came up to me
and he said,
335
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,540
"Sam is it true? Am I going
to be cut from the team?"
336
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,340
And I looked him right
in the eye and I said, "No.
337
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:26,740
Happy birthday."
338
00:12:26,740 --> 00:12:28,540
And that guy went off
and had the best
339
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:29,940
birthday of his life.
340
00:12:29,940 --> 00:12:31,039
And as it turns out,
341
00:12:31,139 --> 00:12:32,739
the next day he
wasn't even cut.
342
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:35,539
So it's better
that you lied to him.
343
00:12:35,639 --> 00:12:37,839
Wow.
344
00:12:37,839 --> 00:12:39,639
That's a great story, Sam.
345
00:12:39,739 --> 00:12:40,939
You've given me
a lot to think about.
346
00:12:41,039 --> 00:12:42,439
Thanks.
Yeah, no,
thank you.
347
00:12:46,739 --> 00:12:49,539
Sam, is, uh...
Yeah?
348
00:12:49,539 --> 00:12:50,939
is that stuff really true?
349
00:12:51,039 --> 00:12:53,139
Well, most of it. Yeah.
350
00:12:53,239 --> 00:12:57,439
It wasn't the catcher,
it was me.
351
00:12:57,439 --> 00:12:59,339
And, uh, I was cut.
352
00:12:59,339 --> 00:13:01,639
And the fellas didn't have
any problem telling me about it.
353
00:13:04,139 --> 00:13:06,839
But it was my birthday.
354
00:13:06,939 --> 00:13:08,139
Happy birthday, liar.
355
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,438
Hey, Woody,
Woody...
356
00:13:14,738 --> 00:13:16,338
Where's Woody?
357
00:13:16,438 --> 00:13:18,938
He's in the poolroom
hating himself for lying.
358
00:13:19,038 --> 00:13:20,138
Oh...
359
00:13:20,238 --> 00:13:21,538
I thought he'd gotten over that.
360
00:13:21,638 --> 00:13:22,938
Yeah, well,
he's trying,
361
00:13:23,038 --> 00:13:26,338
but somebody keeps reminding him
every five minutes.
362
00:13:28,938 --> 00:13:30,638
Hey, Pinocchio!
363
00:13:30,738 --> 00:13:33,838
It's 5:00, do you know where
your commercial's playing?
364
00:13:35,238 --> 00:13:36,438
LILITH:
Carla, that's just
365
00:13:36,438 --> 00:13:38,838
a little bit sadistic, isn't it?
366
00:13:38,938 --> 00:13:40,238
Yeah, but I like Woody.
367
00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:43,838
SAM:
Boy, he's really
taking it hard.
368
00:13:43,938 --> 00:13:45,738
Yeah, poor kid.
369
00:13:45,738 --> 00:13:47,538
I really feel sorry for him.
370
00:13:47,638 --> 00:13:48,938
Hey, what do you say we, uh,
371
00:13:49,038 --> 00:13:52,237
pass the time with, uh, one
of these trivia napkins here?
372
00:13:52,237 --> 00:13:53,937
Oh!
373
00:13:53,937 --> 00:13:56,637
So you're finally, uh, starting
to enjoy these jobbies, huh?
374
00:13:56,737 --> 00:13:58,737
Yeah, I was acting like
a big baby there, Sam.
375
00:13:58,737 --> 00:14:00,537
I know you guys like
me a lot more than
376
00:14:00,537 --> 00:14:02,437
some cheap stack of paper.
377
00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:04,437
Yeah, whatever.
378
00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:08,137
Well, this is the most
379
00:14:08,137 --> 00:14:10,037
boring napkin
we've come across.
380
00:14:10,037 --> 00:14:11,837
What's the question?
Well, who can tell?
381
00:14:11,937 --> 00:14:13,637
It looks as though
it was homemade.
382
00:14:13,737 --> 00:14:15,437
It looks like
some moron typed it
383
00:14:15,537 --> 00:14:17,437
on some old
manual typewriter.
384
00:14:19,037 --> 00:14:20,137
How odd.
385
00:14:20,137 --> 00:14:21,237
Read the question.
386
00:14:21,337 --> 00:14:23,637
This is not a napkin.
387
00:14:23,637 --> 00:14:25,637
It's a cry for help.
388
00:14:27,837 --> 00:14:29,137
All right.
389
00:14:29,237 --> 00:14:31,336
So I forged a napkin!
Can you blame me?
390
00:14:31,436 --> 00:14:33,636
I've been sitting here
for the better part of the '80s,
391
00:14:33,736 --> 00:14:35,136
trying to enliven the discussion
392
00:14:35,236 --> 00:14:36,836
and broaden a few horizons
with the benefit
393
00:14:36,836 --> 00:14:38,836
of my special brand
of my arcane knowledge,
394
00:14:38,936 --> 00:14:40,836
and then these stupid napkins
come waltzing in.
395
00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:42,436
And then I'm out.
396
00:14:42,536 --> 00:14:43,836
Well...
397
00:14:43,936 --> 00:14:44,836
I've had it.
398
00:14:44,936 --> 00:14:46,936
It's time to make
a choice, fellas.
399
00:14:46,975 --> 00:14:49,575
Me... or the napkins?
400
00:14:56,575 --> 00:14:58,175
Or both.
Maybe we can alternate.
401
00:14:58,175 --> 00:15:00,875
We can do that., yeah.
402
00:15:00,975 --> 00:15:02,475
A round of drinks
for my friends here!
403
00:15:02,475 --> 00:15:04,775
All right.
Yeah.
404
00:15:04,775 --> 00:15:07,075
I'd like to see
a napkin do that, huh?
405
00:15:07,175 --> 00:15:09,775
Excuse me, could
I get some service?
Oh, yeah.
406
00:15:09,911 --> 00:15:11,011
I'm sorry. What can I get you?
407
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:12,310
What do you recommend?
408
00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:13,210
What's the difference?
409
00:15:13,210 --> 00:15:15,610
You wouldn't believe me anyway.
410
00:15:15,710 --> 00:15:19,110
I'm just an incorrigible liar
pumping a handcart to hell.
411
00:15:20,884 --> 00:15:23,484
Woody, why are you torturing
yourself like this?
412
00:15:23,584 --> 00:15:24,784
Because I deserve it.
413
00:15:24,884 --> 00:15:26,784
I lied to America.
414
00:15:26,784 --> 00:15:30,384
I lied to that all-important
18- to 35-year-old target group.
415
00:15:30,484 --> 00:15:32,184
Woody, you only feel
that you're a liar
416
00:15:32,284 --> 00:15:34,284
because you endorsed
a product you don't like.
417
00:15:34,284 --> 00:15:36,584
But what if you could
actually learn to like it?
418
00:15:36,684 --> 00:15:39,784
How am I gonna learn to like
broccoli, cauliflower and kale?
419
00:15:39,884 --> 00:15:41,084
Well, Wood, some things you have
420
00:15:41,084 --> 00:15:43,584
to sort of develop
a taste for slowly, you know?
421
00:15:43,684 --> 00:15:46,084
All right, look, uh,
give me a beer, okay?
422
00:15:46,184 --> 00:15:49,084
Now, we'll put a stalk
of broccoli in that beer, okay?
423
00:15:49,184 --> 00:15:50,984
Now you drink the beer
and the beer taste
424
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,383
is gonna kill the taste
of the broccoli,
425
00:15:52,483 --> 00:15:54,683
but slowly you'll get
used to it, okay?
426
00:15:54,783 --> 00:15:56,383
Go ahead.
We don't have any broccoli.
427
00:15:57,683 --> 00:16:00,583
Well, thanks for the beer.
428
00:16:00,583 --> 00:16:02,783
You know, Woody,
429
00:16:02,883 --> 00:16:04,983
the way Ma got me
used to a new vegetable
430
00:16:05,083 --> 00:16:06,283
like, say, uh...
431
00:16:06,283 --> 00:16:07,483
oh, brussels sprouts.
432
00:16:07,583 --> 00:16:09,783
She used to put a few
in each of my pockets
433
00:16:09,883 --> 00:16:11,983
and have me, uh, walk around
with them all day.
434
00:16:12,083 --> 00:16:14,083
Well, thanks, Mr. Clavin,
435
00:16:14,083 --> 00:16:16,183
but brussels sprouts
aren't the problem.
436
00:16:16,283 --> 00:16:17,683
Well, you should
try it anyway.
437
00:16:17,783 --> 00:16:19,283
It's a nice feeling.
438
00:16:20,483 --> 00:16:21,683
FRASIER:
Woody.
439
00:16:21,783 --> 00:16:23,983
Woody, you know,
Sigmund Freud
440
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,883
might suggest that
your aversion to vegetables
441
00:16:26,883 --> 00:16:29,183
stems from some
early childhood trauma.
442
00:16:29,283 --> 00:16:31,582
(sputters)
443
00:16:31,682 --> 00:16:33,682
You sputtered, my darling?
444
00:16:33,782 --> 00:16:36,182
Honestly, Frasier,
you must be the last
445
00:16:36,282 --> 00:16:38,482
psychiatrist on Earth
who hasn't abandoned
446
00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,882
Sigmund Freud's theories.
447
00:16:39,982 --> 00:16:41,482
What are you saying?
448
00:16:41,482 --> 00:16:43,582
Merely that his
theories are outdated,
449
00:16:43,682 --> 00:16:45,282
sexist superstitions
450
00:16:45,282 --> 00:16:47,382
unsupported by a shred
of clinical evidence.
451
00:16:47,482 --> 00:16:49,982
You're drunk.
452
00:16:49,982 --> 00:16:52,482
My wife is completely
smashed, blotto.
453
00:16:52,482 --> 00:16:56,782
Sam, no more boilermakers
for Dr. Sternin-Crane.
454
00:16:56,882 --> 00:16:58,582
Frasier, I've had
nothing to drink.
455
00:16:58,682 --> 00:17:00,882
Ah, the worst
kind of drunk.
456
00:17:02,182 --> 00:17:03,882
For your information,
457
00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:05,582
Sigmund Freud has
a lot to teach us
458
00:17:05,582 --> 00:17:06,782
about Woody's problem.
459
00:17:06,882 --> 00:17:08,782
I daresay that if the Master
were with us today,
460
00:17:08,782 --> 00:17:10,282
he would, after
striking Lilith,
461
00:17:10,282 --> 00:17:12,781
tell us that Woody
is suffering
462
00:17:12,881 --> 00:17:14,681
from a subconscious barrier,
463
00:17:14,781 --> 00:17:18,381
easily removed by some
elemental Freudian analysis.
464
00:17:18,481 --> 00:17:20,481
Well, isn't there
anything faster?
465
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:24,081
Oh, many things,
but nothing quite as lucrative.
466
00:17:25,881 --> 00:17:27,181
But if you wish
instant relief,
467
00:17:27,281 --> 00:17:29,381
I suppose we could
try a little, uh,
468
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:30,681
well, posthypnotic
suggestion.
469
00:17:30,781 --> 00:17:32,081
(sputters)
470
00:17:35,981 --> 00:17:38,481
Another wet
objection, my love?
471
00:17:38,581 --> 00:17:41,481
Hypnosis, Frasier?
472
00:17:41,581 --> 00:17:43,981
Why only go back a century
for your treatment?
473
00:17:44,081 --> 00:17:46,081
Why not bleed him
with leeches?
474
00:17:46,181 --> 00:17:48,081
Or drill a hole
in his cranium
475
00:17:48,081 --> 00:17:50,381
and let the evil
spirits leak out?
476
00:17:50,381 --> 00:17:52,080
Ignore her, Woody.
477
00:17:52,180 --> 00:17:53,580
It's the gin talking.
478
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,980
Or maybe the reason
he doesn't like vegetables
479
00:17:55,980 --> 00:17:58,080
is because they remind him
of his mother.
480
00:17:58,180 --> 00:17:59,580
Ooh!
481
00:18:01,980 --> 00:18:03,080
Hey, hypnosis, huh?
482
00:18:03,180 --> 00:18:05,180
That's cool, Doc.
483
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:07,080
Sam, hypnosis is not
a parlor game.
484
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:08,380
Although last week
at a party,
485
00:18:08,380 --> 00:18:10,780
I did get quite a few laughs
by hypnotizing Lilith
486
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,780
into removing her shoes
whenever anyone
487
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,080
mentioned brie cheese.
488
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,180
Frasier, you did no such thing.
489
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,480
Very funny.
WOODY:
I don't know
490
00:18:20,580 --> 00:18:22,380
if hypnotism will work
on me, Dr. Crane.
491
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,280
I'm pretty strong-willed.
492
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:25,980
And what's she,
brie cheese?
493
00:18:28,580 --> 00:18:30,380
Stop that.
494
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:31,580
FRASIER:
Woody!
495
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,979
Let's go into the office
and watch that watch.
496
00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:35,979
LILITH:
Oh, for God's
sake, Frasier.
497
00:18:35,979 --> 00:18:37,779
First you espouse Sigmund Freud.
498
00:18:37,879 --> 00:18:39,879
Now, you've moved on
to Dr. Mesmer.
499
00:18:39,879 --> 00:18:42,779
This is not
professional conduct.
500
00:18:42,879 --> 00:18:43,879
Point taken, my darling.
501
00:18:43,979 --> 00:18:45,379
Oh, by the way,
502
00:18:45,479 --> 00:18:46,879
is that a tambourine behind you?
503
00:18:46,979 --> 00:18:49,579
A tambourine?
504
00:18:49,679 --> 00:18:51,379
What an odd question.
505
00:18:52,779 --> 00:18:54,679
You are in such trouble, mister.
506
00:19:02,579 --> 00:19:03,879
You know, I was thinking.
507
00:19:03,879 --> 00:19:05,679
What is kale, anyway?
508
00:19:05,779 --> 00:19:08,579
Uh, you know, some kind
of a lettuce thing
509
00:19:08,679 --> 00:19:09,979
they use in salad
bars, isn't it?
510
00:19:10,079 --> 00:19:11,079
Oh.
No.
511
00:19:11,179 --> 00:19:12,678
No, uh, kale is not
a green, per se,
512
00:19:12,778 --> 00:19:14,278
but more of a family of greens.
513
00:19:14,378 --> 00:19:15,978
See, anything
with a pungent aroma
514
00:19:15,978 --> 00:19:17,978
and a loose head
can properly be called "kale."
515
00:19:18,078 --> 00:19:19,878
Get you another beer, kale?
516
00:19:22,104 --> 00:19:24,804
I feel like I've been asleep
for a hundred years.
517
00:19:24,904 --> 00:19:25,904
Did it work?
518
00:19:26,004 --> 00:19:27,404
Well, there's only
one way to find out.
519
00:19:27,504 --> 00:19:28,804
Sam, set us up.
520
00:19:28,904 --> 00:19:31,504
Yeah, I got
a couple left here.
521
00:19:33,304 --> 00:19:35,304
(chuckles)
Now watch, Lilith,
522
00:19:35,404 --> 00:19:39,004
and all the rest
of you naysayers.
523
00:19:39,104 --> 00:19:41,804
So, how is this
new drink, Veggie-Boy?
524
00:19:47,004 --> 00:19:49,004
I like it.
Yeah, right.
525
00:19:49,004 --> 00:19:51,404
No, no, I really like it!
526
00:19:51,504 --> 00:19:52,703
I love it!
527
00:19:52,803 --> 00:19:54,103
Boy, you know,
I'm not a liar anymore.
528
00:19:54,203 --> 00:19:56,403
NORM:
All right!
Mmm.
529
00:19:56,503 --> 00:19:59,103
Oh, you can really
taste the kale.
530
00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:06,203
You know what this means?
531
00:20:06,303 --> 00:20:07,903
Now that I'm not
a liar anymore,
532
00:20:07,903 --> 00:20:09,803
I can take that
envelope and I can cash
533
00:20:09,903 --> 00:20:11,703
that check at the
bank and I can just
534
00:20:11,803 --> 00:20:13,803
spend it all on Veggie-Boy!
535
00:20:13,969 --> 00:20:15,369
Whoo!
536
00:20:15,369 --> 00:20:17,269
Hey, you really did a number
on him; look at him go there.
537
00:20:17,369 --> 00:20:19,069
Woody is highly suggestible.
538
00:20:19,169 --> 00:20:21,169
I had the mission
accomplished in five minutes.
539
00:20:21,169 --> 00:20:22,369
You had him under
for two hours.
540
00:20:22,369 --> 00:20:23,869
What were you doing
the rest of the time?
541
00:20:23,969 --> 00:20:25,669
Just snooping.
542
00:20:25,769 --> 00:20:28,069
We'll, uh, we'll talk later.
543
00:20:29,969 --> 00:20:32,069
Well, I don't understand this.
544
00:20:32,169 --> 00:20:33,268
It's not a check,
545
00:20:33,268 --> 00:20:35,068
it's a letter
from the ad agency.
546
00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:36,168
Well, what's it say?
547
00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:37,468
It says that
548
00:20:37,568 --> 00:20:39,268
"due to lack
of consumer interest,
549
00:20:39,268 --> 00:20:40,468
they're discontinuing
the product."
550
00:20:40,568 --> 00:20:41,668
What does that mean?
551
00:20:41,768 --> 00:20:42,568
I think it means
they're not
552
00:20:42,668 --> 00:20:44,468
going to make
Veggie-Boy anymore.
553
00:20:44,468 --> 00:20:45,868
I guess nobody liked it.
554
00:20:45,868 --> 00:20:47,968
How could they not like it?
555
00:20:48,068 --> 00:20:49,968
It's broccoli,
cauliflower and kale!
556
00:20:49,968 --> 00:20:52,568
Has America gone mad?
557
00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:54,368
Wood, um, it's
not that great, okay?
558
00:20:54,468 --> 00:20:55,168
Shut up, Mr. Peterson.
559
00:20:55,368 --> 00:20:58,068
Don't talk bad about Veggie-Boy!
560
00:20:58,068 --> 00:21:01,168
Nice work,
Dr. Frankenstein.
561
00:21:01,168 --> 00:21:02,768
They're stopped making it,
how am I gonna get it?
562
00:21:02,868 --> 00:21:04,868
I need my Veggie-Boy.
563
00:21:04,868 --> 00:21:06,468
This is all there is?
564
00:21:06,468 --> 00:21:08,768
This isn't even gonna
last me through the night!
565
00:21:11,168 --> 00:21:12,467
Woody, let's go
back in the office.
566
00:21:12,567 --> 00:21:14,167
I know, I know.
I can take this to a lab
567
00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:16,067
and have it analyzed.
I can make my own.
568
00:21:16,167 --> 00:21:17,367
You know, I've got a blender.
569
00:21:17,467 --> 00:21:18,667
SAM:
Woody...
570
00:21:18,667 --> 00:21:19,667
I'll move back to Indiana.
571
00:21:19,667 --> 00:21:21,367
I'll grow kale!
Woody, watch the watch.
572
00:21:21,467 --> 00:21:22,867
Get that watch out
of my face, old man.
573
00:21:22,967 --> 00:21:24,267
I've got crops to plant!
574
00:21:25,567 --> 00:21:27,167
Woody, you need my help!
575
00:21:27,267 --> 00:21:27,967
I don't need your help!
576
00:21:28,167 --> 00:21:29,767
All I need is
three tons of topsoil
577
00:21:29,867 --> 00:21:31,367
and a big, yellow tractor!
578
00:21:31,367 --> 00:21:32,367
"Tractor"?
579
00:21:32,367 --> 00:21:35,567
¶ The sun'll come out
tomorrow... ¶
580
00:21:35,567 --> 00:21:37,767
FRASIER:
Lilith, lower your damn skirt
and watch the watch!41708
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