All language subtitles for Cheers.S09E05.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-HQC

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Oh, Knight
of the Pentacles.

I wouldn't want to be in
your shoes, Mr. Petersen.

Woody, are those
Tarot cards?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

You have to be careful
with those things.

Ah, yes, the awesome power and
dreaded prophecy of the Tarot.

So ancient and mysterious

that no one knows its history,
not even me.

Well, that's a relief.

Woody, you idiot.

Don't mess with
the supernatural.

Have I taught you
nothing about bad juju?

Relax, Carla.
I've done this before.

Now, where were we,
Mr. Petersen?

Have you got any
Grim Reapers?

Nope. Go fish.

(theme song begins)

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ Takes everything you've got ¶

¶ Takin' a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ Sure would help a lot

¶ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ¶

¶ Sometimes you want to go

¶ Where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ And they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ You wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ The troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ You wanna be where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ You wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ People are all the same

¶ You wanna go where everybody
knows your name. ¶

(loud jackhammering)

(shouting):
Carla, can I have
a beer, please?

(shouting):
What?

(shouting louder):
Can I have a beer, please?1

(shouting louder):
What?!

(noise stops)
Ca...

(normal voice):
Can I have a beer, please?

(shouting):
What?!

They stopped the
hammering, okay?

(shouting):
I know, I'm just torturing you!

Finally stopped, huh?
It must be noon.

Actually, I've only
got ten till.

Oh, yeah, union guys.

Yep.

When are those guys
gonna be finished?

They're killing our business.

Nobody can come
through the front door.

That's okay.

The foreman promised me
it's just a one-day job, hon.

I hope so.

What are they doing
up there anyway?

Why doesn't
someone go see?

Well, it's all the way
upstairs, you know.

Maybe we could
call somebody.

Yeah, the phone's
way over there.

We could turn on the TV.

It might be on the news
or something.

Clicker's in the poolroom.

Well, I guess
we'll never know.

If you people aren't the laziest
beer sponges I have ever seen.

I mean, if you want

to know what's going on
out there,

why doesn't somebody
go and look?

Why doesn't somebody just get up

off their rusty-dusty
and go look?

Oh, hey, maybe I should have
asked him to return this.

(Frasier yelling)
(loud crash)

Oh, too late.

Maybe we should go see
if he's all right.

Aw, it's all the way
upstairs, you know.

So, Fras,

what are they doing up there?

Well, as near as I can tell,

they're replacing the top step
with a six-foot hole.

(laughing)

You know, you people wouldn't
be laughing if you knew that
I have a severe dust allergy.

(laughing harder)

I'm serious.

I could have fallen
and broken my neck.

Stop, Dr. Crane.

Let me catch my breath.

Hey, there's the guy
who took the header

into our ditch.

Hey, why'd you
do that, man?

You almost broke your neck.

Hey, don't get him started.

He's got this whole routine.

Can I help you guys?

Yeah, you can help us out
with a couple of beers.

That'll be five dollars.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We can't have our boys in the
trenches paying for this.

No-no, much better they
spend their valuable time

finishing their
work upstairs

than digging around in their
wallets for the exact change.

Now, here's a man
who understands the
construction business.

What are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm greasing the
construction workers.

Ooh, that'd make a great
title for my autobiography.

This is disgusting.

What?

Bribing those men
to do their job?

What happened to an honest day's
work for an honest day's pay?

(Frasier laughing)

Now, that is funny.
(laughing)

Nothing will top the one
about you breaking your neck.

It's all in the delivery.

Excuse me, uh, that was
a very nice gesture of Sam,

but I'm the manager here,

and I am responsible
for receiving payment

for services rendered.

Honey, honey, don't...

No, no, no, the lady's
got the right idea--

pride in workmanship.

You have inspired us to
go out and do our job
as well as we can,

no matter how
long it takes.

After all, we're craftsmen.

You see?

Well, that was Ma.

Her flight got in
a little bit early,

and, uh, she'll be by as soon
as she grabs a cab.

Your mom's in town?
Yeah.

Why don't you go
pick her up?

Oh, Normie, that would set
exactly the wrong tone

for this visit.

You know why she's here.

She wants to move back in
with me.

Well, she can just
forget it, I tell you.

She's not gonna be running
my life like she did

when I was in my mid-30s,
no, sirree, sir.

No-no. I'm a new
Cliff Clavin, new man.

Oh, hey, yeah,
I'd be happy to see her.

I'd take her out to dinner,
give her a perm,

but that's about it.

I don't get it, Mr. Clavin.

I thought you liked your mom...
a lot.

A whole lot.

Too much to be healthy, really.

Why don't I hear
any jackhammering?

I don't know.

Why don't you, uh, go on
up there and find out

what they're doing
and come back and let us know?

Right, Carla.

And then I would probably fall
in a hole or something.

What do you think
I am, an idiot?

We prefer the term,
hapless victim.

I'll tell you why you don't
hear any jackhammering.

They're pulling
a slowdown up there.

WORKER:
Good heavens. I laced
my boot incorrectly.

I'll have to start
all over again.

Oh, man, this is
making me crazy.

They're gonna be here
for a month.

Look, I'm sorry, Rebecca.

You gotta go up
and give that guy
this $50 he dropped.

As a matter of fact,
I think they both
dropped $50. There.

No, Sam, I'm not
gonna do this.

You cannot bribe
those men.

It's a matter
of principle.

Rebecca, it's like

the cardinal rule
of the free enterprise system.

You pay somebody more money,
they work faster.

Hey, look at this.

We're getting a raise
at the post office.

The exception that
proves the rule.

No, you see...

Sam, no, no, you made
me the manager.

You gave me the authority
to handle these problems.

So let me just do
it my own way.

Okay, Manager,
what are you gonna do?

Well, I think we'll just make
an entrance through the alley.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

What are you gonna do,
bust a hole in my wall?

NORM:
Well, actually, Sam,

you know that window,
the leaded stained glass window

is in a single wooden frame,
so I think you could pop it out

fairly easily with a crowbar.

I think the opening's
like four by eight,

which is perfectly good
for a standard entrance.

You build a little staircase

and you've got yourself
a nice little doorway.

Well, you've put a lot
of thought into this.

It's always been a dream of mine

to someday retire and build
a little apartment back there.

Hello, Clifford.

Hey, Ma! Hey, look.

Come on here.
Ah...

(chuckling)

My, everybody has
filled out nicely.

Well, say, Mrs. Clavin,
if you don't mind my asking,

uh, how did you, happen
to negotiate that hole

up at the top of the stairs?

Oh, I just hiked up my skirt
and hopped across.

No big deal.

Although those
construction boys told me

some jackass
actually fell in.

Can you believe that?

(laughs)

I'm a boob. I'm a big, fat boob.

CLIFF:
So, uh, Ma,

what made you decide to blow
into town all of a sudden?

Well you know
how much I enjoy

the historically rich
sport of dog racing.

Who doesn't?

It turned out I enjoyed it
a bit too much last Friday,

and, uh, let's just say I
owe some people some money.

Whoops.

Well, the dog I put all my
money on, apparently had
a parasitic condition.

He scooted the
last 75 yards.

He got the most laughs,

but they don't pay
on laughs.

Anyway, it gives me

a chance to catch up
with my little boy.

I'm looking forward to
seeing what you're doing

with your life and how we
can go about fixing it.

I, uh, appreciate
the thought, Ma,

but, I don't have anything
that needs fixing.

See, I, uh, I've got
a new lifestyle.

I, uh, I like it.

Clifford, is it really
a new lifestyle,

or is it just an excuse

to walk around your
apartment half naked?

It's, uh, not an
either-or situation, Ma.

I suppose there's no room in
this playboy pad of yours

for somebody's mother?

Thank you for, uh, being
so understanding, Ma.

Oh.

Well, I certainly don't want to
be a burden to you, Clifford.

Lord knows you
weren't a burden to me

when I was in labor
with you for 72 hours.

Whoa. 72 hours?

He had those wide hips.

I got you
a great hotel here.

Look, it's got HBO...
You shouldn't go
to that expense.

All I need is a large
appliance carton,

and I can sleep on
the street...

with all the other
forgotten mothers.

You can stay with me.

Are you sure you don't have a
lifestyle I'd be intruding on?

Not that I know of.

Well, then I'd
be glad to.

What's your name?

Woody.
Woody.

Oh, that's the name of a boy
whose mother raised him right.

Really?

'Cause I looked it up and all
I could find was "treelike."

Well, let's get you settled
in, huh, Mrs. Cla...

No, no, hey, hey, Woody,

my mother doesn't want
to impose on anybody.

Oh, suddenly he's an
expert on my desires.

I certainly do want
to stay with Woody.

I like him.

He's sweet and thoughtful, and
look at those nice, narrow hips.

I'll bet you shot out
like a bullet.

Well, Norm's
got the window out.

Now he's starting on
the iron bars.

When he's finished,
anybody who wants to

can come into this bar

right through that alley.

(barking)

What was that?

Two big dogs chasing
a Chihuahua.

At least I think
it was a Chihuahua.

If the health department
asks, it was a Chihuahua.

Thanks for giving me
a lift, Ma Clavin.

My pleasure, Woody.

Here's your lunch.

I cut the grapes in half,

but should one lodge
in your esophagus,

remember the international
sign for choking is this.

Uh, how come you never
taught me that, Ma?

Oh, Clifford.

With that windpipe of yours,

it would take a knockwurst
to cut off your air.

I'll be home at 7:00.

Don't be late.

I'm stopping at
the video store

to pick up the rest of
the Police Academy cycle.

Ah...
Oh,

I love that handsome,
young African American

who makes those
funny noises with his mouth.

Yeah, he's a hoot,
isn't he?

Yes, he is.

And you can tell
by watching him

he's very respectful
to his mother.

Ma, are you mad at me?

I'd have to care to be mad.

Look, Ma, I didn't say

I never wanted to see you
again, for crying out loud.

Listen, why don't
you come over

and we watch uh,
Jeopardy tonight, huh?

Just come on over
to the apartment.

Oh, praise God, I've
been invited to Xanadu.

Actually, Clifford, I happen
to have a previous engagement.

(inaudible whispering)
No... no... no... no.

Oh, all right.

Clifford, we'd be delighted

to have you join us for
Police Academy tonight.

Oh, no, that's okay, Ma.

I'm just gonna have a
lot of fun right here.

I'm as happy as a lark.

Well, actually,
Mr. Clavin,

the lark is a very
depressed bird.

It has one of
the highest

suicide rates in the entire
ornithological kingdom.

Interestingly enough,
its song...

...is more of a dirge.
Is more of a dirge.

You've been teaching him
bird trivia, haven't you, Ma?

Woody is the best student
I've had, bar none.

Huh. I know what
you're trying to do, Ma,
and it's not going to work.

You're trying to
make me jealous.

Huh. Well, I'm not going
to be asking you to move
back in with me.

Don't you worry.

I know your wily ways.

You see, you're forgetting,
I am a graduate student

of the Esther Clavin School
of Emotional Blackmail.

Well, that, and a nickel will
get you a civil service job.

Back off, Ma.

Clifford, I'm not trying
to get you jealous.

I don't have to.

I found a wonderful

companion in Woody.

He's like the son
I never had.

Well, what about me?

You are the son I did have.

Yeah, I'm telling you, Norm,
I really let Ma have it.

I cut clean.

Well, I'll have to take
your word for it, Cliff.

Yeah, it really feels good
to get that monkey off my back.

Whatever you say.

Yeah, she's out of there,
gone, good-bye, finito.

Cliff, what do I have to say
to make you stop talking?

Yes, sir, today
I am a man, Norm.

How about, "I've got a crowbar?"

(chuckles)

Oh, hey, Rebecca,
come on,

you be Ma again and
I'll be me, all right?

Oh, Cliff, you know, Sam does
a lot better Ma than I do.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

All right, Ma, get off my back!

SAM:
I'm busy, Cliff.

Oh, no, no, Sam.

There's too much love
in your voice.

I think that
ought to do it.

What do you mean
"that ought to do it?"

You need to cut another bar
out of there.

People have to squeeze
through there.

Rebecca, trust me.

I've spent a lifetime
learning how to do

the least amount of work
for any given task.

This'll fit the bill.

I-I just don't think

anybody's really gonna be able
to fit through there.

Even I could fit
through there.

Watch this. Look.

You just... you
just sort of...

(grunting):
...up and through...

Well, that's it.

That's it what?

You're not halfway through.

No, that's it, I'm stuck.

I'll be in Cheers
the rest of my life.

Guess you have to be careful
what you wish for.

Let me see if I can
get you unstuck.

(grunting)

Oh, gosh.

That's it, you are stuck.

Sam! Carla!

You'd better hurry, Rebecca,

'cause I think I see
that damned Chihuahua again.

Hey, there's a whole
pack of Chihuahuas.

I hope they're Chihuahuas!

Oh, my God!

You okay out there?

Yeah.

I think they're as afraid
of me as I am of them.

Yeah, except
you don't carry rabies

and have razor-sharp teeth.

Yeah, but they don't know that.

Boy, you really are
wedged in there.

Is that Norm?

Geez, you know,
I didn't recognize you

without the bar stool attached.

(laughing)

Hey, you know
who he looks like?

Winnie the Pooh.

Oh, Carla's right.
Yeah.

Yeah, in that story where

he eats too much honey and
gets stuck in Rabbit's hole.

Yeah, well, how did
they get him out?

Oh, it's hilarious.

They starved him
for a couple of weeks,

then yanked him out.

Yeah. Now, when
he got out,

did Winnie the Pooh
sue the damned Rabbit, huh?

Come on, man,
lighten up, will you?

Oh, sorry, Sammie.

I'm just upset, okay?

No, I mean, you're like
dead weight here.

Push, pull, do something.

Yeah, so I told her,
"Pack your bags.

Go on, hit the skids.
I don't need you anymore."

What's the matter
with him? Girl trouble?

Well, sort of.

Now I'll just have
to raise myself.

Well, the hard work's
already done though.

Where is the child
that's stuck in the fence?

Oh, good, you're here.

Uh, back this way,
in the poolroom.

"Child stuck in the fence?"

Well, every time I said,

"Accountant stuck in a window,"
they just laughed and hung up.

REBECCA:
It's back here.

Oh, Woody, that was fun.

It's so nice to go
shopping for shelf paper

with somebody who doesn't
nitpick over every design.

Ma, when are you gonna stop
taking those potshots at me?

When it stops being fun.

Excuse me, Woody.

I'm gonna go
powder my nose.

Your nose looks fine,
Mother Clavin.

That's just an expression, son.

Ah.

Son?

She's, uh, calling
you "son" now?

Well, that's just
an expression.

You know, like
"powder my nose."

I understand, Woody.

I want to thank you, really,
for all you've done for my ma,

you know, giving her a place
to live and everything.

There's one thing
my sense of pride

won't allow me to say to her,

but I know I can talk to
you about it man-to-man.

(crying):
I want my mommy back.

You can't have her back.
You gave her up.

Wood, I miss her!

Well, if I give her to you,
then I'll miss her, too.

Can't we share?

I don't want to share!

Oh, for God's sake!

You're acting like children.

Now, listen, Woody,

Esther Clavin is
Cliff's natural mother.

Therefore, logic would
dictate that, uh,

well, Cliff gets first dibs.

Well, Woody, are we ready
to line some shelves

with flags of the world?

Woody?

Woody, if you stick
that lower lip out any further,

a pigeon's gonna land on it.

You know that they like

shiny, ledge-like surfaces.

(crying):
Don't bring up bird trivia
now, Mother Clavin.

It hurts too much.

Why, Woody, whatever
are you talking about?

(crying and mumbling)

All right,
all right, all right.

Is this true, Clifford?

Yeah, Ma, it is.

I want you back.

Well, is there room for me in
that singles' paradise of yours?

I'll, I'll make room.

Well, I made room
for you, Mother Clavin.

I'll make room
in your face!

No, no, no, no.
Now, now, boys,

let's not get into a Cain
and Abel situation here.

I can love you both
for different reasons.

Woody, I can love you

because you're generous
and kind and strong.

And Clifford, I can love you

because I'm your
biological mother,

and nature dictates
there be a bond.

Now, boys,

I've got plenty
of love for both,

and Lord knows I've got
plenty of shelf paper.

I'll tell you what,
let's get cracking.

We can do both of your
apartments before dark.

Got to do mine first.

Not if I get to
the car first.

Yeah, well, you're not going
to do that until you beat me.

I can.
No, you can't!

Boys, watch out for the hole!

(Woody and Cliff yelling)
(loud crash)

Yes, they are my
children all right.

Both dumb as dishwater.

Well, we can get him out,

but we're gonna have to
bring in the Jaws of Life.

He's really stuck
in there.

Yeah, it remind me of that
Winnie the Pooh story.

Say, how'd he get stuck
in there, anyway?

Well, he ate up
all of Rabbit's honey...

No, I mean this guy.

Uh, we were, uh, building
a new entrance.

Do you have a permit
for that?

Oh. He wants a permit.

This time we'll
handle it your way.

No.
Yes. Yes, I'll do it.

Let me just reach into
my magic-permit pocket.

No, no.
Yes, yes.

And, oh, here's
a nice little permit

with a picture
of General Grant on it.

What are you doing?
(chuckles)

What, like you have
never been bribed before?

Are you trying to give
us this 50 bucks?

What, 50 isn't enough?

How about 100?

All right, you're
under arrest. Come on.

Sam, would you get
my checkbook?

So you guys ought to
have me out of here

in just a few minutes, huh?

Right, guys?

Guys!

Vera?