Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,900
>> Good evening.
2
00:00:10,900 --> 00:00:14,940
What you are about to see never really happened.
3
00:00:14,940 --> 00:00:24,000
Here we deal in fantasy, yours, hers, his, and ours.
4
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,000
We hope you like the show.
5
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,000
>> Up in your seat belts.
6
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:38,000
We're about to land in San Francisco.
7
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:40,000
Ha!
8
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,000
>> Thank you.
9
00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:59,000
>> Thanks, Val.
10
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,000
Do we have time for one more?
11
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:05,000
>> It's a seven-letter antonym for recklessness.
12
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,000
>> Caution.
13
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,000
>> Hey, I'd really like to thank you.
14
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,000
I know it's not the usual carry-on luggage,
15
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:35,000
but it's a birthday, and I've been on the road.
16
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,000
>> Gloria?
17
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,000
There's a guy who's sick in the forward toilet.
18
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:49,000
Don't worry.
19
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,000
I'll deal with him.
20
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,000
Could I have another glass of water, please?
21
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,000
>> It must have fallen out of my wallet.
22
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:25,000
>> You are so sexy.
23
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,000
>> Oh.
24
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:34,000
>> Just wait until a little later.
25
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:38,000
>> Oh, that's going to be hard to do for such a hot man like you.
26
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,000
>> I'll be glad to get this over with.
27
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:54,000
I've been pinched twice.
28
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:02,000
>> How's the new apartment coming along?
29
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:18,000
>> Oh, Gloria, you have the most vivid imagination.
30
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,000
You've got to watch less television.
31
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,000
Go out more.
32
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:32,000
>> Gloria, I was hoping maybe you and I could get together.
33
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,000
>> This is the captain speaking.
34
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:38,000
Flight attendants, prepare for arrival and cross check.
35
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:44,000
Would the passengers please remain seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop?
36
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,000
>> Great landing, Rich.
37
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,000
Remember, this is an airplane, not a basketball.
38
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,000
>> Fuck you, Sheila.
39
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,000
>> You should be so lucky.
40
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:10,000
>> On behalf of Captain Walker and the crew, we hope you enjoy your stay in San Francisco, the city that knows how.
41
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,000
And if you fly again, you will think of us.
42
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:16,000
Thank you and have a safe visit.
43
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,000
>> Oh, thanks for the wonderful flight.
44
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:33,000
>> Thanks for the flight.
45
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,000
>> Thank you.
46
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,000
>> I'll never fly this airplane again.
47
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,000
>> It's definitely a bad ride.
48
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:45,000
>> Thanks for the ride.
49
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:48,000
>> See you next time.
50
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,000
>> Wonderful flight.
51
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,000
>> See you next time. Thanks for the flight.
52
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,000
>> Happy trails.
53
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:15,000
>> Aloha.
54
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,000
>> Thanks again.
55
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,000
>> Goodbye, Gloria. I'll call you.
56
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,000
>> Goodbye, girls.
57
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:10,000
>> Can you imagine he called us girls?
58
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:14,000
I'd like to show him what a real woman's about.
59
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:20,000
>> Well, I don't mind being called a girl every once in a while.
60
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,000
>> But not coming from a womanizer like him.
61
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,000
>> Hi, girls. How's the flight?
62
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,000
>> Pretty standard.
63
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,000
>> Who was the captain?
64
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,000
>> Rich Walker.
65
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,000
>> Ooh, Captain Dick.
66
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,000
>> What?
67
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,000
>> Hung like a horse, honey.
68
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:57,000
The human tripod.
69
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,000
>> Oh, baby.
70
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,000
>> Are you through with this, dear?
71
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:17,000
>> Oh, Harry, it's such a beautiful ring.
72
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,000
>> This is Dr. Skinner.
73
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:27,000
Dr. Skinner, white courtesy telephone.
74
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,000
>> Here are your keys, Gloria.
75
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:33,000
Thanks for letting us use the apartment.
76
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:38,000
>> We've got a real cute place, but there are some weirdos in that building.
77
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:42,000
>> Yeah, the doorman is okay if you're into that sort of thing.
78
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,000
And the grandma who rocks all day is kind of --
79
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,000
>> And how about the guy in the chair?
80
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,000
>> What chair?
81
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,000
>> Rambo in the wheelchair.
82
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:55,000
Anybody who wears camouflage gear all the time has to be a little twisted.
83
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,000
>> Sounds kind of interesting to me.
84
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,000
>> Oh, the bus. Thank God it's here.
85
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,000
>> Nah, you wouldn't like him.
86
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,000
He lives with his mother.
87
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,000
>> What's wrong with that?
88
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,000
I live with my mother.
89
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:12,000
>> He said, did I find your G spot, honey?
90
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,000
I said, learn your alphabet, hon.
91
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,000
G comes after more than five minutes of F.
92
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,000
>> There's a big convention in town.
93
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,000
Lots of eligible men.
94
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,000
>> Who have lonely wives at home.
95
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:29,000
>> Here, Gloria, let me help you with that bag.
96
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:33,000
Put your bag up over here.
97
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,000
>> Where to, ladies?
98
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,000
>> Anywhere where we're not ladies.
99
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:44,000
Just take me home, Charlie.
100
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:49,000
Take me to a cold martini and a hot young boy.
101
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,000
>> Yahoo!
102
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,000
>> How about a warm beer and a middle-aged man?
103
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,000
>> I love the west coast.
104
00:08:55,000 --> 00:09:03,000
The men are men and the sheep know it.
105
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,000
>> If you've got it, flaunt it.
106
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,000
>> Yoo-hoo!
107
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,000
>> Why don't you ask Gloria?
108
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,000
She's bisexual.
109
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,000
She likes men and boys.
110
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:27,000
It says in the paper, Lauren green just turned 71.
111
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:33,000
That's 497 in dog years.
112
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,000
>> Gloria, don't forget to go to the strike meeting tomorrow.
113
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:37,000
>> Bye.
114
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:38,000
>> Bye-bye, Gloria.
115
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,000
We'll see you later.
116
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,000
>> Bye.
117
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,000
>> See you later.
118
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,000
Bye-bye.
119
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,000
>> Bye-bye.
120
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:43,000
Bye-bye.
121
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:24,000
>> Rough flight.
122
00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,000
>> Mm-hm.
123
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:05,000
>> Boy, you've got some weirdos in that building.
124
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:12,000
Weirdos, weirdos, weirdos.
125
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,000
You wouldn't like him.
126
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,000
He lives with his mother.
127
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:32,000
Anyone who wears camouflage gear has to be a little twisty.
128
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:36,000
Twisty, twisty.
129
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,000
>> Hey, your umbrella.
130
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:19,000
>> Gloria, you've got the most vivid imagination.
131
00:13:54,000 --> 00:14:03,000
>> Take me to a cold martini and attack your boy.
132
00:17:56,000 --> 00:18:01,000
>> You poor child.
133
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:05,000
I know exactly how you feel.
134
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,000
>> Please believe me.
135
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,000
>> You're freezing.
136
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,000
Let me try to warm you.
137
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,000
>> Gloria, please try to relax.
138
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,000
I know exactly how you feel.
139
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,000
Please believe me.
140
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,000
No one's going to hurt you.
141
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:33,000
And think only of how you want to entrust your body to my care.
142
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,000
I'm your friend.
143
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:44,000
Be assured of my loving compassion.
144
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:50,000
I promise you, everything's going to be all right.
145
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,000
Sit down here.
146
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,000
That's a good girl.
147
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,000
That's it.
148
00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,000
Nothing to be afraid of.
149
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,000
Try to relax your toes, Gloria.
150
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,000
Feel them tingle.
151
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,000
That's it.
152
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,000
That's it.
153
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,000
Now your calves.
154
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:19,000
Try to think of them as part of your feet.
155
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,000
Warm and heavy.
156
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,000
Concentrate, Gloria.
157
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,000
Concentrate on your legs.
158
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:38,000
Now extend this feeling up into your thighs.
159
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:45,000
That's it.
160
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:56,000
The sensation you've been feeling through the rest of your body has traveled and now envelops you entirely.
161
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,000
Your breasts, Gloria.
162
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:13,000
Your breasts will begin to feel warm and your nipples tingle with anticipation.
163
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:26,000
See how the muscles of your belly soothe underneath my touch, melting without form or shape.
164
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:34,000
Lie still and think of your body and how good it feels.
165
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:52,000
Now try to imagine this feeling creeping slowly, ever so slowly and only think of how you want to trust your body to my care.
166
00:20:52,000 --> 00:21:06,000
Now, a long time ago, I lay on this very same bed as you and I felt exactly the way you do now.
167
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:16,000
Gloria, I'm going to tell you everything that's going to take place, so there's no need to be frightened.
168
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:23,000
But first you must try to relax. Please.
169
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:33,000
I'm about to prepare you for the most exquisite moment of your life.
170
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:38,000
Gloria, please try to relax.
171
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,000
Calm down.
172
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:47,000
Everything's going to be all right, I promise you. There's nothing to be afraid of.
173
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:56,000
Calm down, Gloria.
174
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,000
That's it.
175
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:08,000
It's so much better when you relax.
176
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:15,000
Concentrate, Gloria.
177
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:44,000
Concentrate, because the pleasure that you feel will go to your very depths and consume you.
178
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:48,000
So, Gloria, you're going to be all right.
179
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:53,000
I'm going to tell you everything that's going to take place.
180
00:22:53,000 --> 00:23:17,000
I'm going to tell you everything that's going to take place.
181
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:33,000
Clark. Barry Clark.
182
00:23:33,000 --> 00:24:02,000
Joe sent me.
183
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:06,000
You've been here before, Clark. You know the rules.
184
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:10,000
But there have been a few changes.
185
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,000
Three pair of latex gloves.
186
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,000
Two lubricated condoms.
187
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:18,000
And a partridge in a pear tree.
188
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:45,000
Be a wise-ass, Clark. One tube of non-oxynol-9 spermicide. Now beat it. The show has already started.
189
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:52,000
Clark. Uh, Barry Clark.
190
00:24:52,000 --> 00:25:01,000
You're late.
191
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:19,000
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together where our self of the florist sweetheart, the lovely Carmelita and her pony.
192
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:40,000
And with tonight's special guest, artiste, jalapeno.
193
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,000
Hope you like the show.
194
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:58,000
And on every other Saturday, ladies and gentlemen, we feature Pinocchio and Geppetto, where a woman in the audience will be asked to participate by sitting on his face and saying, lie to me, lie to me.
195
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:12,000
Mr. Clark. Huh? That gentleman over there would like to buy you a drink.
196
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:29,000
Hey, good to see you again. Why don't you and your friends come join me down at my table. Ringside. Oh, boy. Oh, let's go.
197
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:50,000
Thank you. Thank you very much. This is a condom. Not a balloon. So, don't blow it up first. Remember, do not make sexual contact without the condom in place. Any questions?
198
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:57,000
You said never use petroleum grease or oil lubricants on condoms. Does that mean vegetable shortening as well?
199
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:04,000
Yes, only use that if you want to make a flaky pie crust.
200
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,000
I made a joke here.
201
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:12,000
No job. I couldn't get a job either, busting my rear end. So I took a job in swimming and stuff.
202
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:28,000
Okay, you can swim and stroke. I figured it was very astonishing.
203
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,000
Which would you prefer, wine or champagne?
204
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:31,000
Champagne.
205
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:36,000
Brute Zero, Brute, Extra Sec, Sec, Demi Sec or Dieu?
206
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:37,000
Brute's fine.
207
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:46,000
Split, pint, bottle, magnum, Jeroboam, Rehoboam, Salmanazar, Methuselah, Balthazar or Nebcatnezzar.
208
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,000
We'll start with a bottle. We'll work our way up.
209
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:55,000
Excellent choice, Mr. Clark.
210
00:27:55,000 --> 00:28:14,000
Would you like some water, please?
211
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:30,000
Yes, please.
212
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:53,000
What's that secret you're keeping?
213
00:28:53,000 --> 00:29:01,000
Oh, there's a whole piano and they play it hot behind the green door.
214
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:09,000
Oh, I don't know what they're doing, honey, but they laugh a lot behind the green door.
215
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:19,000
Wish they'd let me in so I could find out what's behind the green door.
216
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:24,000
See that door over there? Oh, that's the one I'm talking about.
217
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:27,000
What's behind the green door?
218
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:33,000
Come on, give me some time, honey. I'll tell you a fortune.
219
00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:49,000
Not once, tried to tell them I'd been there. Door slammed, hospitality's been there.
220
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:57,000
I wonder just what's going on in there.
221
00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:05,000
I saw an eyeball deepen through a smokey cloud behind the green door.
222
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:26,000
When I said Joe sent me, someone laughed out loud. Ha! Behind the green door, all I wanted to do is join that happy crowd behind the green door.
223
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:45,000
Green door, what's behind it? What's behind the green door?
224
00:30:45,000 --> 00:31:01,000
Lights, one more hour without sleeping. I'm watching till the morning comes creeping.
225
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:08,000
Green door, what's that secret you're keeping?
226
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:17,000
Oh, green door, what's that secret you're keeping?
227
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:29,000
Green door, what's that secret you're keeping? Green door, come!
228
00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:37,000
Oh, I know I shouldn't go any further, but you only go around once in this lifetime.
229
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:49,000
So if you're taking chances, honey, remember, stay safe.
230
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:59,000
This is my next door neighbor.
231
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:57,000
Are you sure you got the right place?
232
00:36:57,000 --> 00:36:59,000
Well, we were given tickets.
233
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:01,000
Honeymoon!
234
00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,000
Alright, follow me.
235
00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:15,000
It's our honeymoon!
236
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:23,000
Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated. The main attraction is about to begin.
237
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:29,000
Hey, isn't that your brother up there?
238
00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:57,000
Hello, would you like some wine or champagne, condoms, latex gloves, or non-oxynol 9?
239
01:08:03,000 --> 01:08:09,000
Gloria, I thought maybe you and I could go out sometime.
19126
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof