All language subtitles for Party.Down.S02E09.Cole.Landrys.Draft.Day.Party.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-NTb_track3_[eng]

(door opens, closes)

HEY.

EVERYTHING OKAY?

YEAH, DEET SHEET CALLS
FOR 500 16 OUNCE CUPS.

SO I'M JUST--

SO YOU'RE COUNTING THEM?

RON, THEY COME
100 TO A SLEEVE.

HERE, HERE'S 200.

YOU GOT 200 THERE,

YOU GOT 100 IN YOUR HAND,
YOU'RE ALL SET.

OH RIGHT, HENRY?

YES?

WHEN YOU HAVE AN ORGASM,
HOW MUCH STUFF COMES OUT?

OF YOUR PENIS?

*

(Henry)
WELL, WHY COME TO ME WITH THIS?

I MEAN WHY NOT A DOCTOR,

OR CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND-

YOU'VE WATCHED PORN,
RIGHT?

I'M NOT A CONNOISSEUR
OR ANYTHING-

I MEAN, IS THAT NORMAL?

I MEAN, IN BARTENDING TERMS,

YOU KNOW, THESE GUYS
EJACULATE LIKE,

A JIGGER FULL.

I USED TO THINK
IT WAS TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY,

LIKE SOME GUY OFF-CAMERA WITH
A SUPER-SOAKER OR SOMETHING,

BUT I'VE STUDIED IT,

YOU KNOW ON DVD YOU CAN
SLOW IT DOWN FRAME BY FRAME,

AND UNLESS IT'S CGI,

WHICH I CAN'T IMAGINE
THAT THEY HAVE THE BUDGET FOR,

THAT'S A LOT
OF EJACULATE.

OR IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW-

I DON'T KNOWN RON,
I MEAN I WOULDN'T SWEAT IT.

I NEVER DID.

I MEAN SANDY JARRETT
USED TO GIVE ME HANDIES

IN THE SKATELAND
PARKING LOT

AND MY STUFF WOULD

HANG RIGHT OFF THE VISOR
OF MY CORDOBA.

LATELY I'VE BEEN
DATING THIS GIRL,

AND THE LAST TIME,
AFTERWARDS,

SHE SAYS TO ME,

"IS THAT ALL?"

WELL MAYBE SHE WAS HAVING
AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.

SHE SAYS I MUST
JERK OFF ALL THE TIME,

BECAUSE I AM
COMPLETELY DEPLETED.

I MEAN HENRY,
CAN YOU FILL UP A THIMBLE?

BECAUSE, I HAVE TRIED,
AND I CANNOT.

I CAN'T DO IT.

OH GOD, I DON'T NEED
TO KNOW THIS INFORMATION RON.

IS THERE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH ME?

I THINK SO,
YES.

QUITE POSSIBLY-

(phone ringing)

KYLE, WHAT'RE--

HEY, OH MAN IT WAS SUCH
A LONG NIGHT LAST NIGHT.

I MUST'VE DOZED OFF
FOR A SECOND.

UM, I'M GONNA GO TO THE VAN,
IF YOU GUYS NEED ANYTHING.

YOU BETTER NOT BE GOING OUTSIDE
TO TAKE THAT CALL.

OKAY BECAUSE I MADE IT
SPECIFICALLY CLEAR IN MY E-MAIL

THAT WE'VE BEEN DINGED
FOR THE LAST TIME

ON THE COMMENT CARDS
ABOUT CELL PHONE USE.

NO, I WAS ACTUALLY
GONNA GO OUT

AND SEE IF I COULD FIND
A GARDEN GNOME FOR YOU TO FUCK.

GET IT?
CUZ A GNOME'D BE LIKE,

"AH RON, YOU'RE
DROWNING ME IN JIZZ--"

THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY.

HEY, HENRY, HERE'S
A RIDDLE FOR YOU--

HOW MANY RONS WOULD IT TAKE
TO MAKE A BUKKAKE FILM?

OH YOU KNOW WHAT,
THAT'S ENOUGH.

BOTH OF YOU,
OUTSIDE OKAY?

THAT'S IT,
AND THAT'S ONE FOR YOU PAL.

(Roman)
CORN CHIPS, BEAN DIP.

CHILI DOGS.

JELL-O SHOTS.

IS THIS A WHITE TRASH
THEME PARTY

OR ARE WE IN ARKANSAS?

DON'T BE A SNOB,
ROMAN.

DON'T SWIM,
FISH.

I HAVE NOTHING
AGAINST SIMPLE FOLK.

THIS IS JUST NEED-TO-KNOW
INFORMATION.

AM I SUPPOSED TO ENJOY
THE IRONY OR PITY THE SINCERITY.

WELL IT'S MAKING
ME HOMESICK.

THIS IS WHAT A PARTY
BACK HOME LOOKED LIKE.

WITH FOOD PEOPLE
ACTUALLY ENJOY.

YOU DON'T THINK I HAVE
TO BITE MY TONGUE

EVERY TIME
I CARRY A TRAY

WITH SANTA BARBARA
GRILLED EEL BEAKS

IN A BABY
PINECONE SAUCE-

ALL RIGHT,
LISTEN UP PEOPLE.

HAND OVER YOUR
CELL PHONES.

I TRIED TO BE NICE,

BUT IT CLEARLY ISN'T
EFFECTIVE MANAGEMENT STRATEGY.

SO I'LL HAND THEM OVER
AFTER THE EVENT.

CHOP SUEY,
LET'S GO.

RON YOU CAN HAVE MY
PHONE WHEN YOU PRY IT

FROM MY COLD
DEAD FINGERS.

YEAH RON, WHY DON'T
WE JUST HAVE EVERYONE

PROMISE NOT
TO USE THEM SO MUCH?

HE-- OKAY, AS LONG

AS I GET
EVERYBODY'S WORD.

OKAY BECAUSE
TODAY COULD BE

A REALLY BIG DAY FOR US.

WE COULD BE
ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

WHAT?

OH THAT'S AWESOME.

EXPLAIN THAT.

UH, THIS IS THE HOME
OF COLE LANDRY

AND IT'S DRAFT DAY,

WHEN ALL HIS
DREAMS COME TRUE.

WAIT, WHAT DUDE'S DREAM
IS TO GET SENT TO AFGHANISTAN?

COLE LANDRY?

HOLDS EVERY PAC
10 PASSING RECORD.

HE'S A QUARTERBACK.

IN FOOTBALL.

THEY GET DRAFTED,
AND THEN PLAY PROFESSIONALLY.

DO ANY OF YOU EVEN
LIVE IN AMERICA?

AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE
WHO'S EVER BEEN IN A CHAMPS?

GOOD GRAVY!

ALL RIGHT,
SO HERE'S THE DEAL.

COLE'S FAMILY AND HIS
TEAMMATES WILL BE HERE,

OKAY, THERE'S GOING TO BE
A TV FILM CREW PROVIDING

"LIVE FEED" FOR THE MINUTE
HE GETS PICKED,

OKAY, SO--

LET'S LEAVE
A GOOD IMPRESSION.

YES, KYLE.

OH GREAT, A HOUSE FULL
OF NECK-LESS MUTANTS.

UH-OH, HIGH SCHOOL
FLASHBACKS?

ARE THESE THE GUYS
WHO GAVE YOU WEDGIES?

NO.
SWIRLIES?

FUCK OFF.
NOOGIES?

PANTSED?

FART-FACED?

NO, I DON'T FEAR THESE
MORONS, I PITY THEM.

I MEAN IN THE
REAL WORLD,

THE ONLY THING THIRTY-SIX
INCH THIGHS GETS YOU

IS SPECIALLY MADE GYM TEACHER
SHORTS AND 30 GRAND A YEAR-

AND REALLY HOT CHICKS-

UH NO, CASEY WHEN
YOU'RE LOOKING TO MATE,

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR
A GIANT, BULGING IDIOT

OR SOMEONE WITH SOME
INTELLIGENCE?

GIANT BULGING IDIOT.
BOOM.

RIGHT SO YOU WANT A GUY
THAT'S GONNA KEEL OVER

AND CRUSH YOU FROM
A HEART ATTACK AT 50

FROM EATING
ALL THIS SHIT.

I DO, I WANNA BE
CRUSHED BENEATH HIM,

MY HUGE,
FAT HUSBAND.

'COURSE YOU WANT THAT

'CAUSE YOU'RE DATING
A WHOPPING 90 POUNDER.

HEY.

YOU ARE A RUNTY
LITTLE PUPPY.

THANKS.

OW, DAMMIT.

LET ME HELP YOU
WITH THAT, SIR.

OH THIS DAMN HAND.

YOU SHOULD SEE
THE TABLE SAW THOUGH.

GOOD ONE.

OKAY WHAT YOU WANNA DO
IS LINE IT UP-

THAT'S THE SEXIEST THING
I'VE EVER SEEN.

HEY NOW, DON'T YOU GO
AND SPEAK TOO SOON.

OKAY, I STAND
CORRECTED THERE.

HI, I'M BILL.

I'M LYDIA.

WELL, OH--

HEY DAD!

WHICH ONE OF THESE
SHOULD I WEAR ON TV?

MAN, I--
RIANNA WOULD KNOW.

SHE'S GONE, DAD.

YOU NEED TO MOVE ON.

WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

HEY, NOW!

WHO WANTS TO BE
A MILLIONAIRE!?

THERE'S MY
FAVORITE AGENT!

ALL RIGHT,
COLE.

SAY IT LOUD,
AND SAY IT PROUD.

"I WANNA PLAY
IN SUNNY TAMPA BAY."

TAMPA BAY!

YEAH, LET'S DO THIS!
COME ON. CAMERAS ARE COMING.

(sportscaster)
BUT I HAVE TO SAY,
THERE IS NOT A LOT OF DRAMA

IN THE FOURTH PICK.

TAMPA BAY NEEDS
A QUARTERBACK,

AND THERE'S NO SIGNAL
CALLER HIGHER

ON THE DRAFT BOARD
THAN COLE LANDRY.

IN LANDRY, YOU GET NOT JUST
A STARTING QUARTERBACK,

THEY GET THE FACE
OF THE FRANCHISE TOO.

ALL RIGHT, WHEN COLE IS PICKED,
WE'RE CUTTING IN LIVE.

HEY.
HEY.

ROW OF JAEGER SHOTS
PLEASE, BARKEEP.

SO I THINK
I TOTALLY GET IT NOW.

FINALLY YOU GET IT.

WHAT, WHAT DO YOU GET?

YOUR BIG APATOW
MOVIE PREMIERE.

UH-HUH.
COMING UP.

THERE'RE GONNA BE A
LOT OF HEAVY HITTERS THERE-

YEAH, I'LL SAY.

A WHO'S WHO
OF THE COMEDY WORLD,

UH-HUH.

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE
MINGLING WITH THEM.

I MIGHT DO A LITTLE
MINGLING, SURE.

SURE.
OKAY.

SO GOOD,
YOU GET IT THEN.

I TOTALLY GET IT.

WELL I DO NOT GET IT,
EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

I MEAN, I GET WHY
I'M NOT YOUR PLUS-ONE.

I SEE.

UH-HUH.
I SEE.

SEE IF I HAD
THE OPPORTUNITY

TO REALLY GET IN THERE
AND DO SOME NETWORKING,

I PROBABLY WOULDN'T
WANT TO BRING

WITH A CAUTIONARY TALE
ON MY ARM EITHER.

MAN WELL, THIS IS A
HUGE RELIEF FOR ME.

OH GOOD, GOOD.

'CAUSE HONESTLY, I'VE REHEARSED
THE YOU-EMBARRASS-ME SPEECH

LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES
IN MY HEAD PROBABLY,

BUT I DON'T EVEN NEED TO DO IT,
'CAUSE YOU GET IT.

I GET IT.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES
YOU SUCH A COOL GUY.

THANKS.
I MEAN NOT ARM-CANDY
COOL OBVIOUSLY,

BUT FUCK BUDDY COOL.

OKAY.

NOBODY PUTS BABY
IN A CORNER.

YEAH, BUDDY.

I BEEN THERE.

BEEN WHERE?

THERE.

THAT PLACE WHERE
THE PERSON YOU WANNA BE WITH

NIGHT AND DAY ONLY
WANTS TO BE WITH YOU

WHEN THERE'S
NO ONE ELSE AROUND.

ALL RIGHT YEAH, WELL
THAT'S NOT OUR SITUATION-

DON'T FOOL YOURSELF,
BROTHER.

(groans)

SO TAMPA PASSES
ON COLE LANDRY.

ARE YOU SURPRISED?

(draft expert)
I'M SHOCKED.

I MEAN WHAT DO YOU THINK
IS GOING THROUGH

LANDRY'S HEAD RIGHT NOW?

HE PROBABLY FALLS
TO PHILLY AT EIGHT

AND TEN MILLION DOLLARS
FLIES OUT THE WINDOW.

RON.
HEY.

OKAY SO MY BAND GOT A SLOT
ON AN INDUSTRY SHOWCASE TONIGHT.

OH!
YEAH.

SO IS IT COOL
IF I JUST LIKE LEAVE

A LITTLE BIT EARLY
OR WHATEVER?

OH, SHOOT.

NOT CHANCE TO GET BACK UP.

YOU SHOULD'VE
ASKED ME EARLIER.

I DIDN'T KNOW EARLIER.

OH REALLY?

HOW'D YOU FIND OUT THEN?

CARRIER PIGEON, RON.

YEAH, YEAH A CARRIER PIGEON
LANDED IN THE BACK YARD.

YOU KNOW, WITH THE LITTLE
NOTE ON HIS FOOT

WITH ALL THE INFORMATION.

IT WAS GREAT,
CAN YOU BELIEVE HE FOUND ME?

WOW, NO YOU WERE
ON THE PHONE!

I SAW IT, SO--

OKAY, YEAH I WAS
ON THE PHONE.

RIGHT SO SORRY, KYLE,
ONLY EMPLOYEES

WHO FOLLOW THE RULES
GET REWARDED.

WHAT?

YOU HEARD ME.

WHAT THE FUCK?

YEAH I PUT
EVERYTHING INTO THIS.

I TURNED DOWN WORK
SO I COULD COACH MY SON.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

COLE'S MOTHER
NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT,

SHE-- SHE WANTED
A BIGGER HOUSE.

COME ON.

SHE CALLED ME A PISS-POOR
PROVIDER AND WALKED OUT.

OH YOU POOR GUY.

EH.

SO COLE'S MOM,
THAT'S RIANNA?

NO, NO, NO RIANNA
IS MY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

OH.

SHE WAS JUST
BAD NEWS.

BIG SPOILED BRAT.

SHE WAS TOO YOUNG
AND PRETTY FOR ME, ANYWAY.

OH COME ON.
FUCK.

MAN, RON IS BEING
SUCH A DICK, AGAIN.

OH NEXT YOU'RE GONNA
TELL ME THERE ARE BEARS

DEFECATING
IN THE WOODS.

NO CHECK THIS OUT,

MY BAND JUST GOT A
LAST-MINUTE INDUSTRY SLOT

AT THE RAINBOW ROOM,

AND HE WON'T LET ME LEAVE

LIKE JUST A LITTLE BIT
EARLY TO MAKE IT.

OH, NO!
THIS WAS THE BIG NIGHT

YOU GUYS WERE GONNA
GET YOUR RECORD DEAL!

YEAH, MAYBE.

FUCK, DO THEY
SUPER-GLUE THIS BITCH ON?

LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT,
LITTLE BUDDY.

IT'S NOT EASY.

WHOA, LOOKS LIKE HE REALLY
STRUGGLED WITH THAT,

LITTLE BUDDY.

WELL I LOOSENED IT,
YOU DICK.

HEY WE ALL HAVE
OUR TALENTS, RIGHT?

I GUESS.

YEAH, WHILE YOU WERE BUSY

OPENING JARS AND PUSHING
A BLOCKING SLED AROUND,

I WAS READING LITERATURE.

AH, A MAN OF LETTERS!

I'M A BIT OF A
BOOK BUFF MYSELF.

WHO ARE YOU INTO?

HEINLEIN.

ASIMOV.

CLARKE, YOU PROBABLY
HAVEN'T HEARD OF THEM.

SCI-FI MAN.

NO, I LOVE HEINLEIN.

STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND.

WHAT ABOUT BRADBURY?

I'M A LITTLE LUKEWARM
ON FAHRENHEIT 451,

BUT MARTIAN CHRONICLES,
COME ON?

ARE THE BEST!

I HAVEN'T GOTTEN
TO IT YET-

I'M BUSY,
I'M REALLY BUSY THOUGH.

YEAH, NOT REALLY
A BIG ASIMOV GUY;

I MEAN, I'LL GIVE HIM
THE THREE LAWS OF ROBOTICS BUT,

HE'S MID-LIST.

WHICH IS IRONIC,
BECAUSE I LOVE THE RUSSIANS.

DOSTOEVSKY.

GOGOL.

CHECKOV-

OH ROMAN'S SUPER INTO CHECKOV.

YEAH AND SULU-

MORON.

AND THAT'S NOT IRONY.

LOT OF PEOPLE
MAKE THAT MISTAKE--

YOU, ALANIS MORISSETTE--

YOU SAY "IRONIC" WHEN
YOU REALLY MEAN HAPPENSTANCE.

FOR INSTANCE-
THANKS.

I COULD REALLY USE
A LESSON ON IRONY.

PERFECT, HERE YOU GO.

IRONY IS WHEN
YOU SAY ONE THING,

BUT YOU MEAN
THE OPPOSITE.

FOR EXAMPLE-

I COULD STAND HERE ALL NIGHT
AND SOAK UP THIS KNOWLEDGE.

YOU INTERRUPTED ME.

I WAS IN THE MIDDLE
OF TELLING YOU WHAT IRONY IS.

AND THEN IF--
OH OKAY, I GOTCHA.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

VERY GOOD.

YOU MUST BE THE ONLY
FOOTBALL-PLAYING LIT MAJOR EVER.

NO.

I'M PRE-MED.

YOU'RE PRE-MED?

YEAH.

I DON'T LIKE
THE TERM "STAGE MOM."

ESCAPADE IS MY TEAMMATE.

YEAH PEOPLE USED TO
YELL AT ME ALL THE TIME.

"BILL, LET THE KID
HAVE A CHILDHOOD."

"NO FIVE-YEAR-OLD NEEDS TO RUN
TIRE DRILLS IN JULY."

NO SEVEN-YEAR-OLD NEEDS

TO HAVE PERMANENT
EYE-LINER TATTOOED ON, EITHER.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN
IT'S A BAD IDEA.

EXACTLY, EXACTLY.

OH HEY, TIME OUT,
COME ON.

HEY, HEY IT'S
PHILLY'S PICK.

(sportscaster)
WITH THE EIGHTH PICK,

PHILADELPHIA SELECTS
OFFENSIVE LINEMAN JAKE KUPP

OUT OF WASHINGTON.

WE TURN OUR ATTENTION NOW
TO A STAR OF DETROIT

AND FOR THEM DEFENSE
IS THE NAME OF THE GAME.

HERE'S HOW
IT'S REALLY GONNA GO PHIL.

VODKA.

HE'S GONNA PLAY YOU
TWICE A YEAR IN DIVISION,

HE'S GONNA WHIP
YOUR SORRY ASS,

AND THEN WHEN THEY
CARVE YOUR TOMBSTONE,

IT'S GONNNA READ
"HERE LIES THE DUMBFUCK

WHO PASSED ON HALL-OF-FAME
QUARTERBACK COLE LANDRY--"

COULD YOU PLEASE TELL MY WIFE
IF SHE LOVED ME,

SHE WOULDN'T CALL ME
ON THIS DAY.

HE'S GONNA POP OUT YOUR EYEBALL
AND SKULL FUCK YOU, PHIL.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

NO, NO SWEETIE, GET YOUR DADDY
ON THE PHONE, NO--

EXCUSE ME, SORRY.

A HAMSTER BIT
ONE OF YOUR KIDS

AND YOUR WIFE WANTS
TO KNOW IF SHE SHOULD

BRING HIM
TO THE HOSPITAL.

WHICH ONE?

WHICH ONE,
HE WANTS--

FUDDRUCKER.

JESUS FUCK--WHICH KID?

HOLD ON.

HONEY, I LOVE YOU BUT FUCK YOU
FOR CALLING ON DRAFT DAY.

HI.

REFILL?

WHY THE FUCK NOT?

ALL RIGHT,
HERE'S SOMETHING I DON'T GET.

YOU ARE LIKE THIS BIG
COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYER, RIGHT?

SO WHAT GIRL WOULDN'T WANT
TO BE SEEN WITH YOU?

HOW WOULD
YOUR PARENTS REACT

IF THEY FOUND OUT YOU WERE
SPORT FUCKING A LARGE BLACK MAN?

THEY'D SAY IT
EXPLAINS A LOT.

LOOK ALL I AM IS SOME
SORT OF SEXUAL CARNIVAL RIDE,

YOU KNOW?

SO, YOU AND YOUR LADY--

I SAW HOW
SHE'S ICING YOU OUT.

DO YOU LOVE HER?

THE-- WHAT?

HEY BUDDY.

YOU GOTTA MOMENT?

AH, YES OF COURSE.

WHAT CAN HELP YOU WITH?

UM ACTUALLY,
I JUST STARTED RESIDENCY,

WONDERFUL.

AND I WAS TALKING
TO YOUR FRIEND OVER THERE

ABOUT YOUR
HEALTH CONCERNS,

AND IT REMINDED ME
OF THIS PATIENT-

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT FRIEND?

OH UH, THAT GUY.

OH, HENRY.

SO HE TOLD YOU ABOUT
THE AMOUNT OF MY...

EJACULATE.

YES.
YES.

AND IT REMINDED ME OF THIS
PATIENT WHO CAME IN,

AND SAID THAT HE WAS PRODUCING
LIMITED REPRODUCTIVE MATERIAL.

WE BROUGHT HIM
IN THE OFFICE,

TOOK DOWN HIS PANTS
FOR AN EXAM,

AND HE HAD TESTICLES
THE SIZE OF CHRISTMAS HAMS.

CHRISTMAS HAMS?

MY CONCERN IS YOU'RE PRESENTING
ACUTE BACTERIAL PROSTATITIS:

IT'S AN INFECTION
OF THE PROSTATE

THAT CAUSES INFLAMMATION

AND CAN LEAD
TO CYSTITIS,

AND IN SOME INSTANCES,
PROSTATE CANCER.

BALL CANCER.

PROSTATE CANCER.

RIGHT, WHICH IS
THE MEDICAL TERM FOR BALLS?

LIKE IN LATIN?

DIFFERENT GLAND
ENTIRELY.

BUT WHAT I SUGGEST YOU DO
IS WHEN YOU GO HOME,

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S REST,

SHAVE YOUR TESTICULAR AREA,

CALL YOUR PHYSICIAN
FIRST THING

AND TELL HIM
THAT YOU URGENTLY

NEED YOUR BALLS
PULLED AND PALPATED.

PULLED AND PALPATED-

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.

IT'S TECHNICAL PROCEDURE,
HE'LL KNOW.

BUT GO.

'CAUSE MY CONCERN IS THAT THIS
COULD LEAD TO SOMETHING

DEADLY SERIOUS.

THANK YOU.

NO PROBLEM.

OH UM, I'M SORRY, SORRY.

WHEN YOU SAID
YOUR PATIENT PRODUCED

"LIMITED REPRODUCTIVE
MATERIAL."

SO, HOW MUCH IS LIMITED?

BALL PARK?

SO THE BIG MYSTERY
OF THE DAY

IS WHY COLE LANDRY
CONTINUES TO SLIDE.

I'VE JUST SPOKEN
TO SOMEONE HIGH UP

IN ONE OF THE ORGANIZATIONS
THAT PASSED ON LANDRY,

AND THEY HAVE CONFIRMED
THAT THIS IS THE REASON

THEY CHOSE NOT TO DRAFT HIM.

WHAT WE'RE HEARING
IS THAT MANY ORGANIZATIONS

HAVE BECOME CONVINCED
THAT COLE LANDRY IS GAY.

THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!

OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK
KIND OF REPORTING IS THIS?

MY SOURCE TELLS ME THAT
IF IT WAS ANY OTHER POSITION,

THEY WOULDN'T CARE.

BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
THE FACE OF THE FRANCHISE.

FUCKING SHIT.

YOU KNOW ME.

I GET SO MUCH PUSSY,
IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.

NOT EVEN A JOKE.

YOU'RE THE KING OF PUSSY,
I KNOW OKAY!

THIS IS FUCKING
ROSENHAUS OKAY?

HE WANTED HIS KID TO BE
THE FIRST QB DRAFTED

YOU KNOW WHAT,

THAT GEL-HAIRED SCUM-FUCKER
IS FUCKING US.

MAYBE WE SHOULD'VE GONE
WITH ROSENHAUS, COLE.

WE'RE FAMILY.

ASK THE BOOSTER GIRLS
HOW GAY I AM.

HEY, HEY GENTLEMEN,
GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN!

HEY TIME OUT!

PULL YOURSELVES
TOGETHER!

COLE, YOU'RE
A QUARTERBACK.

SHOW SOME POISE.

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.

EVERY ROUND WE'RE LOSING
A HALF MILLION DOLLARS.

SO LET'S STOP TALKING ABOUT
HOW MUCH PUSSY WE'RE GETTING

OF COURSE YOU'RE
GETTING A LOT OF PUSS,

LET'S GET OUR SHIT TOGETHER
AND COME UP WITH A PLAN!

WELL, THE CELEBRATION HAS
OFFICIALLY TURNED INTO A WAKE.

HEY, SO HOW COME YOU'RE NOT
TAKING YOUR BOY HERE

TO YOUR BIG MOVIE PREMIERE?

CUZ HE AIN'T
PRETTY ENOUGH?

CUZ HE AIN'T TALL?

CUZ HE'S WORKIN'
SOME SHIT JOB, IS THAT IT?

WOW, THAT IS AN
IMPRESSIVE LIST OF REASONS.

HE HAS FEELINGS
FOR YOU, GIRL.

DEEP FEELINGS.

MAYBE HE'S NOT
SURE IT'S LOVE,

BUT HIS SHIT RUNS DEEP.

UH WELL JEROME, CASEY.

CASEY, JEROME.

IS THAT TRUE HENRY?

DOES YOUR SHIT RUN DEEP?

WELL ISN'T IT ENOUGH TO KNOW
THAT MY SHIT RUNS AT ALL?

WELL JEROME, I AM NOT
TAKING HENRY TO MY PREMIERE

BECAUSE I'M TAKING
MY MOTHER.

BUT YOU DON'T EVEN
LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

I KNOW THAT I DON'T
LIKE MY MOTHER,

BUT SHE ALWAYS REFERS
TO MY CAREER

AS "THAT LITTLE
THING THAT YOU DO"

SO THIS IS LIKE
MY ONLY CHANCE

TO RUB HER NOSE IN WHATEVER
TINY BIT OF SUCCESS I HAVE.

SO WHY YOU NOT TAKING HENRY
TO YOUR COMEDY SHOWS?

OH JESUS DUDE.

WOW, THAT WAS--

OKAY UH, I DON'T TAKE HENRY
TO MY COMEDY SHOWS

BECAUSE I DO A SKIT
WHERE I GET KIND OF FRIENDLY

WITH ANOTHER GUY, AND HENRY
GETS KINDA JEALOUS SOMETIMES.

WELL COME ON, I MEAN,
I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

STAGE KISSING
AND REAL LIFE.

I MEAN I WAS AN ACTOR.

ACTUALLY I PLAY
AN ANIMATRONIC LOVE DOLL

AND THE AUDIENCE HAS TO
LIKE SHOUT OUT SUGGESTIONS

FOR MY QUADRIPLEGIC INVENTOR
TO ORDER ME TO DO.

WELL--

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YOU LOOK A LITTLE
BOTHERED BY THAT.

NOT AT ALL.

I MEAN MAYBE
BY THE LOGIC I'M BOTHERED.

I MEAN,
HOW DID HE BUILD YOU?

I MEAN OBVIOUSLY
NOT YOUR INVENTOR

'CAUSE HE'S QUADRIPLEGIC

AND DON'T SAY
BY ANOTHER ROBOT

'CAUSE THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

YEAH, NOT BOTHERED AT ALL.

SEE, HE'S FINE WITH IT.

I AM-- I MEAN I GET IT,
'CAUSE IT'S A JOB

SO I UNDERSTAND.

CASEY, CASEY,
EXCITING OPPORTUNITY.

THEY'RE JUST ABOUT
TO CUT TO A LIVE FEED

FROM RIGHT HERE IN THIS
LIVING ROOM IN LIKE TEN MINUTES.

NOW, WITH THAT INFORMATION,

AND KNOWING HOW MUCH
THE CAMERA LOVES YOU,

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
ABOUT SNUGGLING UP

TO COLE LANDRY
AND PRETENDING

THAT YOU'RE
HIS GIRLFRIEND?

I WOULD FEEL LIKE
AN IDIOT, PROBABLY.

WOULD YOU FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT
FOR 500 SCHMACKERS.

OH, WELL THEN I WOULD
FEEL LIKE A WHORE.

HEY, LANGUAGE CASEY.

YOU'RE A GIRL.

NOW LISTEN TO ME,
COLE LANDRY IS LOSING

HALF MILLION DOLLARS

WITH EVERY PICK
OF THE DRAFT

AND ALL BECAUSE
OF SOME HORRIBLE RUMOR.

COULD YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEART
TO HELP THIS KID OUT?

SO THAT'S A JOB.

THAT'S INCOME.
YES.

HENRY, HOW WOULD
YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

IF I GET PAID?
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

GREAT?
YEAH, TERRIFIC.

AWESOME.
HEY LET'S GET YOU
INTO A PUSH UP BRA.

OKAY.
COME ON.

THAT'S GREAT?

COME ON MAN,
GROW SOME BALLS PLEASE.

JESUS, YOU LIGHT A MATCH?

OH, OOOH.

THIS COULD BE GOOD.

OH GOD,
WHO USED TO LIVE HERE?

TANYA TUCKER?

TANYA TUCKER,
I WISH.

NO, BILL'S EX RIANNA.

CASEY, YOU'VE GOT SUCH
A DARLING LITTLE FIGURE.

WHY DON'T YOU SHOW IT OFF?

I DO SHOW IT OFF,

I WEAR PASTIES AND TASSELS
LIKE ALL THE TIME

WHEN I'M NOT AT WORK.

HE LOOK, I FOUND IT.

THIS IS THE WINNER!

ARE YOU CRAZY?

THINK OF IT AS
AN ACTING ASSIGNMENT.

YOU'RE PLAYING A BIMBO.

OOOH CHA CHA!

YEAH, BIMBO
WITH A HEART OF GOLD.

DATING THE CAPTAIN
OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

OKAY, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

SERIOUSLY, DO YOU HAVE A THING
FOR THE KID'S DAD?

IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS.

OH CASEY, I THINK THE DAD
MIGHT HAVE A THING FOR ME.

UH-HUH.

AND YOU KNOW, THE REST OF IT
WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.

YOU TELL ME TO EXPRESS MYSELF
AND DEMAND RESPECT,

WHEN RIGHT HERE MAN,
WITH ME WATCHING YOU,

YOU JUST ROLL OVER
WHEN YOUR WOMAN-

WELL, LOOK AT HER...

OH MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I AM A PUSSY-

NO, NO, NO, NO
YOU'RE CUT OFF.

I MEAN WHENEVER
ANYBODY HAS SUCCESS

THEY ALWAYS HAVE
SOMETHING TO SAY--

EXCUSE ME.

CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR ONE SECOND?

YEAH EXCUSE ME,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU BUDDY?

I WAS HOPING MAYBE YOU COULD
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT EXACTLY
AM I LOOKING AT HERE?

(sportscaster)
YOU'VE HEARD THE RUMORS,
WHAT IS IT YOU WANNA SAY?

I DON'T KNOW WHO
LAUGHED HARDER

WHEN I HEARD PEOPLE
THOUGHT I WAS GAY,

ME OR MY GIRLFRIEND, CASEY.

ME, OH MY GOD,
I GET SO MAD AT THIS GUY,

BECAUSE EVERY TIME A PRETTY GIRL
WALKS BY, HE'S LIKE-

AND JUST LOOKS AT HER.

ALL THE TIME,
I'M LIKE WHAT THE F?

CODY, YOU HORN DOG,
I'M RIGHT HERE.

I'M SORRY,
WHO'S CODY?

(Ziggy)
IS THIS YOUR SPERM IN MY HAND?

IT'S JUST A NICKNAME.

(Ziggy)
DID YOU JUST JACK OFF?

SHE THINKS I THROW
LIKE CODY CARLSON.

YEAH, HE DOES.

YOU DO.
I DO.

WARREN MOON'S BACKUP
WITH THE OILERS IN THE 90s?

YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S THE GUY
I THROW LIKE, FOR SURE.

YEAH, LOOK AT THE TAPE.

SHE'S QUITE A STUDENT
OF THE GAME.

YEAH.

(Ziggy)
I DON'T CARE!

YOU JUST PUT YOUR JIZZ
IN MY HAND BRO!

SOMETHING GOING ON THERE?

AH WELL, IT'S A PARTY.

YOU KNOW,
PARTIES GET ROWDY-

YEAH, PARTY!

(Ziggy)
IT'S FUCKIN' JIZZ, IS WHY!

COLE, I'M WONDERING
IF YOU CAN COMMENT

ON THIS PHOTO
THAT'S BEEN CIRCULATING.

IT'S NOW POSTED
ON DEADSPIN.

IT APPEARS TO SHOW YOU OUTSIDE
A WEST HOLLYWOOD CLUB CALLED

THE MANHOLE.

(Jerome)
WHO'S THAT, COLE?

WHO.

THE FUCK.

IS THAT!?

THAT'S THE LAST STRAW,
MOTHERFUCKER.

THIS CAMEL'S BACK
IS OFFICIALLY BROKEN.

WHAT AM I TO YOU ANYWAY,
YOUR PLAYTHING?

A PIECE OF TISSUE
YOU CAN JUST USE UP

AND THROW AWAY?

WELL FUCK THAT!

NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER!

JEROME BABY...

NO, NO, NO, NO,
YOU'RE MY CHOCOLATE DROP!

(Rianna)
BILLY?

RIANNA?

I CAME AS SOON
AS I HEARD THE NEWS.

OH, IT'S BAD,
IT'S REALLY BAD.

WE'RE NOT ENTIRELY SURE
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE.

YO, BITCH.

GET THE FUCK
OUT OF MY CLOTHES-

YOU CAN'T SAY FUCK ON TV.

*

(newscaster)
WELL THE FIRST ROUND
HAS CERTAINLY GIVEN US

A DAY OF SURPRISES,

(draft expert)
SOME DREAMS HAVE
COME TRUE TODAY.

SOME HAVE CRASHED AND BURNED.

HEY UM, I'M SORRY
TO PUT YOU THROUGH THAT.

NO, LISTEN MAN.

I WASN'T THE ONE WHO JUST
LOST MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

AND MY BOYFRIEND,

AND GOT OUTTED
ON NATIONAL TV, SO--

IT'S ALL GOOD, REALLY.

GUESS THAT WAS
THE EASIEST

THOUSAND BUCKS
YOU EVER MADE, HUH?

UH, A THOUSAND DOLLARS?

COLE, COLE!

I GOT FUCKING
SAN FRANCISCO HERE!

THEY'RE ABOUT TO PICK YOU

WITH THE FINAL PICK
OF THE FIRST ROUND BRO!

AND I GOT THE WORLD'S
LARGEST AD AGENCY.

HOW'D YOU LIKE
TO BE THE NEW FACE

OF FUCKING
ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH?

YOU SERIOUS?

YEAH!

I'M GONNA GET SO MUCH ASS!

SO YOU HAD YOUR FUN, HUH?

LITTLE BIT OF A LAUGH
AT GOOD OL' RON'S EXPENSE.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT
GOOD OL' RON'S TALKING ABOUT.

YOU TOLD THAT DOCTOR
ABOUT MY PROBLEM.

MY WAD PROBLEM.

YOU'RE WHAT PROBLEM?

RON I ASSURE YOU,

I SPOKE TO NO ONE
ABOUT YOUR WAD.

WHY WOULD I TALK
TO ANYONE ABOUT YOUR WAD?

KYLE!

I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.

WHERE IS HE?

I SENT HIM HOME EARLY.

HIS BAND HAD A GIG.

HENRY, WHAT THE FUCK?
WHAT?

WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

YEAH, WHO IS
IN CHARGE HERE?

'CAUSE I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
IF AN EMPLOYEE JERKING OFF

AND HANDING OUT
SEMEN SAMPLES

FALLS UNDER "NEEDS WORK"
OR "COMPLETELY UNSATISFACTORY."

IS THERE ANY WAY
I CAN CONVINCE YOU

HE WAS
"GOING THE EXTRA MILE?"

THIS IS COLE'S HOUSE,

WHY DOES HE HAVE
THE COMMENT CARD?

'CAUSE COLE IS CURRENTLY
BUSIER THAN I.

DON'T YOU MEAN ME?

COLE IS BUSIER THAN ME.

OR WAS AN AWAY GAME THE WEEK

SUBJECT-VERB
AGREEMENT WAS TAUGHT.

ROMAN.

PRETTY SURE IT'S I.

MAYBE THAT WAS
THE WEEK OF COMICON.

IRONY, I WAS BEING IRONIC!

HENRY.
WHAT?

I THOUGHT I HAD
TESTICULAR CANCER.

OH JESUS CHRIST.

*

*

*

*

*

*

**

TREE!