Original subtitles

We gotta go. Why?

'Cause we're late,

and Ron is going to freak out.

So what?

So, I'm not the one who made him team leader.

You're the one who made him team leader.

Yeah, with good reason.

So he can take all the responsibility,

and I can focus on other things.

I like that, I like a man who

doesn't feel the need to be in control, at all.

Well, I wouldn't read too much into it--

You're kinda the lady, and I'm kinda the man.

The lady?

You're kinda the lady-- Ow!

I'm kinda the man. Good Lord.

Really?

Lady, quiet.

What don't you understand?

It's crystal clear. Ron Donald Do's--

Okay? The four P's and one B.

"Politeness, Professionalism,

Perfectionism, Proactive, Be on time--"

I have a proactive suggestion.

No, I think we get the system--

Okay, then what don't you understand Kyle?

What're you doing? Don't do that!

Punctuality. What, no, don't do that!

Now it's five P's.

No, I already have four P's,

that's an RDD.

That's a Ron Donald Do?

No, a Ron Donald Don't.

This is so confusing, Ron.

You know what I don't get?

Who says you get to be the boss?

I do. As boss, I have that authority.

You can't do that-- Yeah, I can, and I did.

Okay, well hey guys, guess what, I'm the boss now.

You can't do that, because you're not boss.

Can I finish please?

Three RDD's, I dock your pay--

You can't do that, Ron!

Yes, I can too!

And Roman, that's an RDD.

A "do?" This is the dumbest

fucking strategy for productivity.

Henry, is Ron really the boss?

Yeah, Ron's in charge everybody.

See? Not that what he says matters.

Hey. Sorry I'm late, everybody.

I wanted to get my hair done for tonight--

Example. Lydia. RDD.

What, what's that?

A Ron Donald Don't.

Ron hates your hair.

What?

Oh, no, no--

Oh.

No!

Henry--?

You're in charge.

[ groaning ]

*

**

Sweetheart, a real Hollywood party!

Finally!

Everyone's in "the business," it's so hip--

--so she says yes, but then right before the wedding,

the doctor's like, bad news. It's cancer.

Somebody's pitching a movie right beside me!

It's not a movie, this is my life.

I'm fuckin' dying.

[ chatter ]

Excuse me, waiter? I dropped something.

Roman! Long time no see!

You've gotta be shitting me, Munt.

I'd ask how it's going, but I think

this speaks for itself.

Remember I told you about my old

writing partner who fired me

for being a hack and a sell-out

who knows nothing about hard sci-fi?

You are a hack and a sell out

who knows nothing about hard sci-fi--

Yeah, that's why I'm throwing

this fucking party to celebrate

the huge spec sale of my sci-fi script.

I think I know one point five million times

more about sci-fi than you do, loser.

Read paragraph two.

They're making "Axiomalion" into a movie?

What idiot would hire you to adapt a genius book like that?

Actually, the author, AF Gordon Theodore?

Perhaps you've heard of him?

AF, are you having a good time?

A Calvados, two lovely companions

in conversation, I am in the seat

named for the proverbial "catbird."

Well, if you need anything, you let me know,

and this young man will fetch it for you.

Game, set, match, Joel Munt.

Now get us some champagne.

Yeah, Danielle, it's going great.

The new system's really helping discipline.

RDD's. Do's and Don'ts.

Maybe you should tell your dad about it.

How's it going, Team Leader?

I gotta go, hun.

How's it going? Good, oh good.

Lot of angles, problem solving.

Do I take a man out, get backup glasses,

or do I risk running low--

Things like that.

Well, would you like my advice?

Just, as like, a former team leader talking shop?

Just, like, talking shop?

Yeah. Sure.

I would go get the glasses.

Henry, get glasses. I'll cover bar.

Yes, sir.

[ laughing ]

Simple. Feels good.

Yeah?

Fun party, huh?

Well, wouldn't you know it?

I came in here to powder my nose,

and I can't even find the stuff.

Oh, well thank you very much.

Oh, man, it's like, producers galore,

I'm networking like a motherfucker.

Oh, the host asked about champagne or whatever.

What, are you leaving?

RDD--

Our host, my old writing partner,

hired us just so he can fucking humiliate me.

So, I'm glad having a good time kissing ass,

but I'm not hanging around all night

so I can be a fucking revenge piñata.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, man.

You can't retreat. You gotta strike back.

"Revenge is a dish best served."

Shakespeare? Like, waiters, and servants

Revenge? Don't do it, that's in the Bible.

Although, we're only human, I know I am, right?

One time I got revenge on someone

by putting tuna fish in the AC vents of her car,

but then we ended up carpooling, what?

So you better be careful, because sometimes revenge

backfires and you end up with a fish smell.

My mouth is dry.

Oop. I think my contacts just popped out.

Where did you go, Mr. Contacts?

Um, Lydia, are you okay--?

Okay! I'm great!

I've always wanted to be at a big Hollywood party,

and now I am! Woo!

Good luck with your revenge!

Right.

Oh my God. Whoa.

All right, well let's think about this.

He's here with all of his fucking fake friends.

What's at stake is his image.

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm trying to think of a good revenge.

Dude, piss in his champagne.

See? This is awesome.

No responsibilities. That's good.

That's really good.

What? Shit.

What? I don't have my keys.

Okay, where are they?

I think they're in my coat.

Okay, where's your coat?

In the van.

Oh God.

Um, Okay. So, the supply closet, nothing in there?

That supply closet, I can't.

Okay. It's fine. I'll call triple A--

No, no, no, no. That'll take forever.

Okay. Older model,

side locks, I can pop the lock.

I'll pop the lock.

Pop the-- What is this, "The Outsiders?"

I learned a few tricks on the mean streets of Wisconsin, Casey.

So, leave it to me, all right?

Just, hurry up.

Bro, come on, hurry up.

I can't go if you're talking.

I'm not talking, I'm just standing here.

I can hear you breathing, and shifting around and stuff,

turn on the tap.

Stop watching me, I can see you out of my peripheral vision.

Fuck.

I can't go, just, you do it--

No, you know what? It's your revenge, okay?

It's gotta be your piss.

Just go, please!

Oh, shit, gotta do everything.

Fucking Hollywood.

They take a masterpiece from an intellectual titan,

and hand it over to a fucking hack.

What's the hold up?

I just went, like, ten minutes ago,

give me a break.

Fucking disaster.

You know what, no, I learned this in yoga class.

I just need to

sink into myself--

find it--

[ humming ]

They teach you how to control your pee in yoga?

Everything. In the right state of mind,

I can control every organ.

Om.

[ humming ] Kyle!

What're you doing?

Trying to piss in this glass.

Don't break his yoga state.

No! No! That's an RDD!

Are you insane--?

Fuck, forget it, you know what, it's broken.

Fuck, Ron!

We need your urine.

Absolutely not! I'm team leader!

So be there for the team, right?

The host hired us just to fuck with Roman.

It's payback.

He drew first blood.

It's the code.

Shit, my first night back,

and you invoke the code?

Dammit.

Fine, I will give you the urine.

But while I'm doing this, you two are gonna recite the RDD's.

Okay. Okay.

Let's go.

Productivity. Courage.

No, the don'ts, the don'ts!

Jesus!

[ chatter ]

No, that's actually for Mr. Munt--

He can get another, we're friends.

There you are. Effervescence for the effervescent.

So you work with Joel?

[ glass breaking ] What the fuck--?

There was a bee on it, there was a bee on it.

Joel and I are working together on "Axiomalion."

This is AF Gordon Theodore.

Only the greatest living sci-fi novelist.

Just in from British Columbia.

He lives on Orcas Island in a keep.

It's like a little castle, it's awesome.

If you're ever on Orcas--

So, you're not a producer?

No.

Excuse me.

Hey, I didn't know you were here!

Must be a good friend.

No, they're all just stuck up.

I know, I'm a sci-fi writer, too,

they treat us like garbage.

I can't believe I'm actually talking to you.

--I was like, "Center court, on the floor,

motherfucker, or you don't even get to bid on this fucker!"

Hey. I didn't get my champagne.

Oh. Good.

No. Bad. Okay?

Get my champagne.

Right. Kyle!

Kyle. This man didn't get his champagne.

Dude, my piss isn't back yet.

Just champagne, just champagne.

So, what are you going to do after this trilogy?

Another trilogy, unifying all dimensions--

Like, a three dimensional trilogy.

A nonilogy--

Duodecilogy. Don't forget time.

Yeah, of course. So complex.

That's why I love your stuff.

Can I ask you a question? Sure.

Why're you letting them make "Axiomalion" a movie?

I'm intrigued by popular art forms

and I've always been curious to experience Hollywood,

which Art Clarke was discussing,

and said that, when the--

Hello, I like your--

On the phone, yes.

And Joel seems devoted to the integrity of it, so--

Joel? Integrity?

That's not Joel's forte, integrity.

How long have you known him?

I met him once.

Waiter, could you please not bother

the guest of honor?

AF, Having a good time?

Just, conversing, trying to meet

the local women folk.

Fuck trying. Danni, get your friend, whatshername--

Excuse us. We're gonna to hit up some blow with these ladies.

Oh, alright.

Nice meeting you, lad.

Nice to meet you.

Shit, man, that didn't go so well, did it?

It's all right, I'm getting some pee stored up right now.

Yeah.

And I see a way I can get in-between Joel and Theodore,

Iago-style.

I don't know what that is.

Iago, from Othello.

The board game?

I can't talk to you anymore.

What?

[ indistinct chatter ]

An interesting culture, Joel, this Hollywood.

Will we be doing the coke off someone's tits, or--?

Uh, no-- [ both ]

Wait, no, no, no,

who promised you the role of Panopia?

You'd be a marvelous Panopia.

And Danni, I went to that fucking Panda charity dinner with you,

you fucking owe this to me, okay?

Excuse me, I'll get out of your way here.

Hey, sterno jockey!

Let me tell you something, okay?

Tell the guy with glasses,

I want my fucking champagne as soon as

we're done doing blow off of tits.

Joel, let it go--

No, no, you tell him exactly that.

I got it.

Let's go, coke isn't going to blow itself.

AF, when our movie opens,

we're gonna be doing this every night.

What's the fuck is up with that?

You got a scar?

You said these were real.

It's from my biopsy, dickhead.

So, one just, thusly--?

Like that? What the fuck, man?

No? Yes?

Stop it, please--

You're fashioning a tool.

Yes, with which I will open the van.

--fashioning a tool.

Again, it's not going to work.

Can we please, please just call triple A?

Casey, it'll work. It's not going to work.

And now you're just doing it because you have to prove a point,

it's your thing and you have to prove you're a man.

Prove? What do I have to prove?

I don't have to prove anything. You sort of have to--

Hey, guys, I need some pee.

I'm completely dried up.

Wait, what?

This douchebag's been fucking with Roman,

and now it's payback.

The code.

Oh. Uh-huh.

What's the code?

The code, it's like a,

It's like a guy code. You wouldn't get it.

Shut up, there's not

a dude code.

--net, maybe, but gross?

How about you go out to dinner and a movie,

take yourself home and fuck yourself!

So what project're you working on?

"Pride and Prejudice."

Oh, I love a costume drama.

Buddy cop thing.

Pryde's a racist white cop from the south

who teams up with this rapper named Prejudiss

to catch a maniac killing hookers.

Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds wonderful.

Thank you, Keanu!

Isn't he nice, I saw his house

on the Star Line tour!

Hey, hey, I know the perfect white person!

Oh gosh, where is he?

I gotta find him, hold on.

Hold on, hold on, wait!

Kyle, Kyle, come here!

Look, look who needs a southern cop for their movie.

Huh? Say something southern.

And action!

Looks to me like this young lady's

been raped and murdered!

What, cut, print!

Yes, oh my God!

Not since fog horn leg horn.

We're thinking, like, Owen Wilson.

I love his work.

Kyle's just like Owen Wilson.

Except look at that nose. Straight as an arrow.

You might know him, if you've ever been to Laos,

From "Jumping Boys."

You do really have a white look.

Gosh, thank you so much.

How's that drink coming, Mama?

Escapade, sweetheart, you're never going to believe this.

Would you say hi to my daughter, please?

Hi--?

Guess!

Send us your stuff. Oh, my gosh, right?

Good. No, no, that's--

Asshole!

Okay, I'm just going to tell you!

Wesley Snipes!

Yes! Just like in the movies, but a lot shorter.

Motherfucker!

Come on!

[ sirens ]

Really, man? Off the tits?

That sounds so cool.

You know what, it's over-rated.

But don't worry, I'm gonna find you some piss.

What happened to Henry's? I don't know.

Never mind, I'm going to plan B.

Oh yeah, Miagi style.

Iago!

Jesus. Whatever.

Hey, Kyle, can I talk to you a second?

What's up? Hey, did you got it?

Well, I haven't had a chance yet--

Oh, Casey, if you have to pee,

can you hold it for a little bit,

like, come back and let me know?

Step on it. Thank you.

You know how to pop a lock?

What're you doing?

No, older model van, side locks.

Oh, yeah, totally.

You do? Okay, come on. Yes!

AF, chill out, there's going to be plenty more

at the after party for everybody, all right?

Well, it took you long enough, waiter--

All right, you win, I surrender, Joel.

And I also have to admit that I always did want

to see an "Axiomalion" movie.

It's just so rich and dense,

I never thought they could pull it off

without compromising its genius.

Stay true to the book, pretty much my entire fucking pitch,

Right, dawg?

So, even the prologue on Io?

Pre-credit sequence.

It all begins on a methane mine on Io.

So when the title roles, you're already like

my mind's been fucking blown!

Um, methane, the gas-- [ phone ringing ]

What about the Mindeaters council?

Pretty much the Greek chorus of the entire piece, right AF?

Citizens of the Empire are selected

by lots to have their minds consumed

by a council of governing elders.

There's no way you can do the whole

battle on the Crab Nebula.

Modeled after Nelson at Trafalgar.

I thought Nelson broke up.

So there is an after party? Yeah, yeah, just one second, AF.

Flashback during the coronation of Lool!

It's gonna be just like the book, man,

everything is in there!

Everything? Everything.

What about the Mongus?

Gas-based telepathic life form.

Dude, your going to fucking shit,

'cause we got James Cameron's FX team

to design a kick-ass CGI creature.

A creature? Yeah, creature.

A creature? It's going to be amazing--

The Mongus doesn't even register

in the visible spectrum--

Okay, yeah, I know, but it's a major character,

we have to kind of-- --we have to kind of turn it into

a computerized cartoon?

Like Jar Jar Binks.

It's not like Jar Jar Binks, okay?

It's Cameron's people, it's gonna be awesome--

Jesus Christ, Joel, are you insane?

No, it's going to be awesome! You're insane!

It's Cameron! We're done.

It's, AF, it's Cameron!

You're blowing this out of proportion, man!

We should talk about this!

You motherfucker!

Hey, hey, hi. Is everything good?

No, nothing is good!

Your underling here just fucked my career!

Mongus!

AF!

I thought you were just going to pee in the champagne?

Ooh, what if Pryde's sister was a hooker?

That way, with every dead hooker he sees,

he's like "that could be my sister--"

Yeah, it's gotta be personal.

What if Prejudiss' sister's a hooker--

--and the sisters are friends?

Calvados--

--and one of them gets murdered,

so it's personal for the other one.

That's everyone.

It's personal for every character, the perfect movie!

[ squealing ]

My god, what twaddle.

These people are philistines.

And some Jews.

That's what's great, everybody gets along.

Well, looks like we're out.

AF, I am so sorry, I can explain the entire thing--

No, let me explain, about something called integrity.

You lied to me, and if I'd known I'd be lied to,

I'd have never come to Hollywood!

You're the guest of honor here tonight--

Then why can't I get a single stuck up female

to talk to me for five minutes?

And why're you out of Calvados?

Mr. Munt, I had no idea that one of my servers

was scheming against you and I hope this doesn't affect the comment card.

You are out of Calvados!

If I don't get a bottle of Calvados in my hand

in the next two minutes, I'm going to cut your dick off,

and fuck you in your own ass!

Ed Harris.

What next?

All right. C'mon, I got this.

Let me do this.

That's exactly what I was doing.

No, yours is backwards.

What are you talking about?

See? That's your problem right there.

Well, I mean--

CASEY: Oh my God.

No, please, continue, this is just--

It's awesome.

Thank God, there you are, Henry, I need a bottle of Calvados.

Give me the keys-- They're locked in the van, Ron.

What do you mean they're locked in the van, Henry?

I need a bottle of Calvados now!

What do you want me to do? I've almost got this, guys.

Shit. Let me do it.

It's still backwards--

Oh, Goddammit, I need a bottle now!

I need it now!

We could just call triple A.

No! [ both ]

Oh my God, really?

Look at yourselves, you're like clowns!

Circus clowns, just--

Get out of the way, get out of the way!

Ron!

My God! What are you doing?

Ron! Seriously!

[ car alarm blaring ]

Oh! Oh my God!

Oh my God, right now!

Turn it off, turn it off!

What the fuck are you doing?

Turn off, turn off, turn off!

[ alarm continues ]

What the fuck is going on?

My window? My fucking window?

What? My, no--

My window, what the fuck is going on? [ alarm stops ]

I've had this car for a week!

What is going on?

I don't know what happened--

Who the fuck is working this party?

Oh, um, I'll go do that.

Okay, you tell me, what happened?

I saw a guy.

You saw a guy, what did he look like?

Just got a glimpse. Rough looking guy--

Yeah, black, with a black hat.

A white guy with a black hat

And like a thin mustache--

Yeah, he flew off, we just came out,

Like, so fast, there was no way we could get a good--

Okay, fine, you know what, enough.

I'll check the security tape.

Jesus, this fucking night.

Great job.

Shit.

Okay. So you wanted Calvados?

"Revenge is a dish--"

"--best served cold."

Yes.

Tell me you have Calvados back here.

Uh, no.

Fuck!

And of course the security camera

has no fucking tape in it.

Goddammit!

Fuck! Fuck, shit.

He's taking his name off the project.

Who?

You fucked me.

You fucked me first.

No. You fucked me first.

When you fired me.

Then you fucked yourself

by being a hack and a sellout.

Fucking Mongus.

It's unfilmable, I mean, what does he expect?

I don't know, you're the writer.

Figure it out.

It's a telepathic gas, what do you do with that?

Use a disembodied voice.

You can't use a disembodied voice, okay?

Real cinematic, you gotta make it--

You can't just use a guy, that's a cop out.

And you can't make it CGI either!

What about a container?

Like a tank with a computer read out

of what it's saying.

No, that's a stupid idea. What if it's a suit?

It'd have to be such a big suit!

It's a scuba suit, because on this planet--

It's air tight, it's gas tight.

Yeah, and it deflates and inflates

when it talks, it'd be amazing!

But, yeah, it can't be CGI. It can't be CGI.

No.

Just like old times, huh?

Yeah, except you're a millionaire and I'm--

serving shit food to shit people.

Same shit, though. Spitballing ideas.

What about a ship?

That's the container.

You have a ship with a bunch of little mini ships

With guys in suits, and they're all

part of the one big thing! [ both ]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no!

That's it, I mean, it would be--

It's perfect.

But yeah, no.

He won't go for it. Why?

Because it wrecks the integrity of the piece.

No, face it, I'm fucked.

And--

Dude, I am sorry

about this--

whole thing, it was petty of me,

it was small.

You deserve better.

Yeah. This fucking cocaine.

How do you know Ed Harris?

Wasn't he wonderful in "Milk Money?"

I feel depressed, how do you fix that?

Hey. Hey.

Call me later?

Uh, yeah, if I feel like it.

Ooh, look at you, one manly act,

and you're insufferable.

What're you talking about? All I do are manly acts.

Bye.

Ow! Sorry.

Henry, so, how'd you do it, man?

You switch the hook around?

I found the keys on the ground.

RON: Okay, huddle up!

Huddle up, Party Downers!

Tonight's RDD's.

Henry. One.

Casey, zero,

where's Casey?

Okay, that's one.

Roman gets a pass 'cause of the revenge thing.

And Kyle, that's three. I'm docking your pay.

Are you going to be docking your pay, Ron? Why?

Well, because you peed in the host's glass,

and broke his car window.

That's two, you still have three, I'm docking your pay.

I also have the security tape.

Kyle, zero.

Hey, where's Lydia?

Oh, thank God!

I really need to powder my nose, and I can't find the stuff!

Thank you.

This is fucking make-up!

It was such a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Theodore,

Personally, I don't care if they ever make

the movie, the book is perfect,

Thank you, young man.

But I think you might quite enjoy the movie.

What do you mean--?

AF, afterparty awaits! [ horn honking ]

Wait, I thought you were done with that guy--

He redeemed himself with a clever idea.

The Mongus will be a ship--

--with little mini-ships and guys with suits

that are all part of the gas-being?

Yeah.

That was my idea!

He stole my fucking idea!

Oh. Well, a marvelous idea.

Have you ever considered being a writer?

I am a writer! I told you--

Let's go!

You're still gonna hang out with a guy who's a hack and a thief?

He's got the drugs and the women,

and the keep is a rather cold and lonely place.

Good luck to you.

Game, set, Munt!

I'm gonna go home and hang myself.

What?

Okay, a huge dork getting into a car full of hot chicks.

If that's not a sign of hope, I don't know what is.

Yeah.

*

*

*

**

T-R-E-E. Tree.