Original subtitles

Wow look at you? It's new Ron.

It's new, new Ron?

Being locked in that coffin, Henry,

I was mano y mano with some heavy shit.

Like what is a life? Who am I?

And how high were you during this?

Unimportant.

Don't do grass. Get high on life.

The cereal? I didn't know that you could smoke cereal.

No, existence.

I was drifting in darkness and I heard a voice.

"Only dead fish go with the flow."

The voice of Sarah Palin?

Or maybe God, or Jesus.

Budhda, anyone of those guys.

And I went out, got a hair cut, Joined AA,

got a new new backup shirt.

Don't drift through life.

My take-away from being locked in a coffin while high.

My take-away, don't get into a coffin while high.

Ohh.

So you didn't see anything?

No. are you sure this is even the right House?

That's what it says here.

[ horn honking ]

Hi. What's all this?

Ahh, Party Down catering?

You booked us-

Shit.

Oh my god. Did you guys see

"Three Men and a Little Lady"?

That's Ted Danson!

That's actually, Steve Guttenberg.

Not Jewishy much.

No wonder he changed it to Danson.

My fiftieth was tonight,

but my friends threw me a surprise party on Friday.

and I totally forgot to cancel you.

Kind a have a two day cancellation policy.

So, I eat the deposit. Yeah.

Add what about the food and everything?

Probably toss it.

Ah man, that's-- that's a waste.

That feels wrong.

Hey, it's still my birthday, I'm not doing anything.

You know what, Invite your friends, we'll have a party!

Oh no-- Yeah.

Unless you've got other plans.

Oh my god.

Other plans, are you kidding me?

Partyin' with the Gutt!

This place is friggin' amazing. It is.

I'm totally gonna have a place like this.

Yes, and I'm full,

thank you.

I can't believe I'm really talking to you.

Oh aren't you sweet?

My daughter's an actress,

so I'm going to pester you for secrets

on how to be an actor.

No secret. It's like the joke.

Guy gets into a cab and says,

"how do I get to Carnegie Hall?"

and the driver answers "Practice!"

Right, practice.

The driver's deaf!

Oh where are my manners this is my friend Mrs. Gomez.

You guys appear to be very close.

Well now I've just moved here.

and I'm making new friends.

and Mrs. Go-- Fulgenicia, is my neighbor across the hall.

That's nice.

"Boys from Brazil."

That's right.

Are you from Brazil?

No.

Hey.

Nice set-up, huh.

Bet you must be thinking right now,

what a terrible mistake it was to quit acting.

Well did I happen to mention that my place

has a view of a Taco Bell?

Did I happen to mention that this guy

has got Herbie fully loaded

on DVD and on BluRay.

Point, Guttenberg.

Shrimp?

How's it feeling, New Ron?

New New Ron.

Getting my chops back, Henry.

Ah tonight's gonna be a good night.

Yeh I can't wait to see that feedback card.

He wanted to work the party anyway.

Who am I to say no?

Right.

Oh, holy shit.

What?

"Sundown Strip." Yeh, what is that?

This Indie I did years ago.

I had this tiny part as a troubled teen.

Hey, you guys know German?

What's "Ein Rand?" Like, "A Rand--?"

Ayn Rand, the writer? Is that what you're talking about?

Yeah, that sounds kind of familiar.

Ayn Rand, wrote about how awesome awesome people are.

Right.

Who's that little waif?

That is Colette.

She's in my scene study class.

Really cool.

She's like super deep-

Like you? Yeah.

I really want to bang her.

A man of fine taste.

Ah, here, here--

...Pert,'93 Barolo.

Thank you so much.

This goes great with cheese, and duck.

I can see that, yeah.

Hey, hey, don't touch!

That's art.

This is art?

Joseph Kootz.

That's pure iceberg water.

Costs ten grand a year just to fly in

new ice from Greenland.

That's a lot of money.

Okay, you'll be all right, yeah. Yeah.

Kootz.

Oh God, this just takes me back.

Um, I was a caterer,

a waiter, yeah I did everything.

So you're actors, I presume?

Oh, yeah.

Well, he was, but-

Didn't work out?

Well kind of.

Well let me tell you something,

Those days, working gigs,

making squat, just a bunch of struggling actors

goofing around, best time of my life.

Oh, love it.

Better than when you were one of the biggest stars in America?

Better than now?

Well, maybe not the best time.

Hey Ron, do we have any more cheese?

I got it, I got it.

That's my job, I got it.

Don't worry.

I'm not worried.

Should I be?

No Henry, as I said,

I am back and everything is going great.

Okay, I thought you were back in AA?

I am.

Okay Ron, if any of this is making you uncomfortable.

Not at all, no, no, no.

You sure?

Yes, I'm totally copacetic.

All right.

Travis? It's Ron, from AA.

I'm at a party in Sherman Oaks,

I could really use your help.

What the fuck,

see he totally just went off on it.

He said it was just a bunch of "technobabble"

he didn't understand--

Yeah, the only words that aren't technobabble

to a producer are coke and whore.

So, you guys actors, too?

Do we look that stupid?

No, we're writers.

This is my writing partner.

Kent Gerbels.

and no it's not spelled like the Nazi propaganda minister.

It's like the rodent.

But with an "e."

Instead of the "I." Huh.

So, what you got there?

We gave our script to a producer who was interested

and then he gave us these notes you just took from me--

and you're gonna read them.

"Inert and without humanity ..."

Yeah, it's just like he read the words,

he didn't get the big picture.

In one ear, out one ear.

Let me ask you something?

Have you ever had anything produced?

Yeah, we wrote "I am Legend."

I just work catering to keep

in touch with the common man.

What I'm getting at is--

Have you ever heard your words read aloud?

No.

In the theater, where I come from,

writing and acting are intertwined.

The first play I did, off-Broadway thing

called "Screw You?"

Totally rewritten in rehearsals.

So I was thinking that since we have time,

and expert thespians at the ready.

We would read a scene

from your comrades script

and see if we can give'em some insight.

All right.

Yeah, okay.

Mr. Guttenberg, I don't wanna do this anymore,

I don't like it. That's fear talking, Roman.

No, it's honesty. - Really?

Henry you are our Captain DuKlark,

Casey, you are Slave Girl,

What a shock.

Kyle, you are Krond.

Krond.

Colette, you are BORP-7.

Wait, can I be the robot, please.?

It's not a "robot," it's a biocybernetic organism.

Can I be that?

What do we do, Ted?

Ah my beautiful little birds,

You are our audience,

Without whom,

This would all have no point.

Mr. Guttenberg, can I--

I don't think this is gonna help

I think we should call it quits.

I don't think there's no point in doing this.

I know, I understand, this is scary.

and you feel vulnerable.

But if you want to be a true writer,

you have to commit to your work.

If you don't share it with the world,

you're only a writer in your head.

"Making art is an act of courage?"

Do you know who said that?

Morrison.

Steve Guttenberg?

Yes!

"No Risk, No Reward."

Let's be brave.

Come on you're like a tiger.

A lion strong with your mane.

Come on! huh!

Okay my cast prepares,

Interior Bridge, and action.

Reading on deuterium levels.

7 - 0 - 5 point 2, captain.

Your ship will never with stand

the quantum flux between a binary star,

What's that?

When like two stars kind of like form.

Not important, keep the flow, going.

It will in a Godel space-time field.

Without negative energy synthesis?

We reverse the tachyon cannon,

generate an Alubierre Warp.

Quantum tunnel through the kelkey horizon--

and form a naked singularity.

DuKlark...

What're you doing on the bridge?

You should be in a surgi-tube.

I was scared. I heard explosions.

If the coordinates you stole

from your boyfriend aren't accurate,

you'll hear more.

Because this ship will be totally atomized.

Boyfriend?

He's a slave trader.

I was nothing to him but merchandise.

Fine merchandise, eh, DuKlark?

The best.

If we don't make it,

I don't use the word "don't"

He pushes her away roughly,

Just-- I got it, Sorry, sorry.

I just wanted to thank you for saving my people.

"Dies?"

For real?

[ unintelligible ]

Juliet died.

Seven, check her readings.

Life functions terminated.

Cauchy horizon passed at deuteri.

level 7.001.

A statistical anomaly.

What you call luck.

Is it?

And...scene!

I thought it was just great!

I love nautical stories.

Do we have to discuss it?

Courage, young writer.

This is the crucible!

It's like previews.

My character seemed to lack depth.

Yeah, it was a robot.

And DuKlark's kind of a dick.

Yeah, slave girl saves his life.

and he just makes crass jokes to his nemesis.

Crass? that wasn't crass--

He said that she's the best-

Yeah, you are the best space whore.

Thank you. Thanks.

You know I feel like it could have been more, deep--

Okay.

I think it was really interesting

how neither of the alpha males

could see past their gender construct

of femaleness

to relate to her humanity.

You know it was like, they can only relate to each other.

Yeah, it's like they were both um, like...gay.

I thought of them as Jungian shadow figures,

Oh I just started Jung.

Have you read Man and his Symbols?

Oh my god yes I have.

You guys I just ordered it.

I can't wait.

All right, I won't ruin it for you.

Okay thanks.

Hey um--

do you have any smart shit I could say.

I just didn't feel it.

Oh sorry, It's not Pat the Bunny.

You know, I think that's it.

the missing element.

Heart.

It's hard sci-fi, Steve.

Are science fiction and heart mutually exclusive?

One word answer.

"Cocoon."

Just give it another pass, and we'll try it again.

You want me to do that again?

I felt like I was being hunted for sport.

Courage. What'd we talk about?

No risk, no reward.

Okay, everyone.

Drink, relax, hit the jacuzzi, whatever you want.

We'll reconvene in half an hour.

For another reading!

Hey, what'd you do this weekend?

Oh I Hung out in Steve Guttenberg's jacuzzi.

How badly do you want to say that?

Yeah, but rain check.

Okay.

Wasn't really asking.

It's the singularity.

The theory that machines will become conscious--

Like computers with souls.

Yeah. Have you read Eckhart Tolle?

Yeah, of course kind of what going for.

Yeah, that was what I was thinking about.

Hey when you're done trying to hit that,

do you think maybe we can go re-write?

Let's do it, let's make it happen I guess--

Geez man-- Motherfucker.

So little.

Hey You know, whole experience really just makes me

think of "This Said Zarathisis ."

By Neezshe.

(DOORBELL) You mean, Nieztche?

It's actually pronounced Neezsh.

It's German.

Hello,

Hey Steve. Travis.

Hey Travis, come on in.

Is Ron around? Travis.

Travis hey, Hi.

Your friend yeah? Is a friend.

You said invite a friend. Sure.

I'm so glad you invited somebody.

Here you go.

You know who that is?

Yeah, Steve Guttenberg.

Come here for a second.

Thank you for coming. No problem.

I've gone off the wagon a few times myself.

Probably not a good idea,

to be hanging around all this wine-

This is some nice shit though.

I'm sure the temptation to just have a taste

is driving you crazy.

I'm more of a beer man, myself.

I actually need your help with this.

I got a shrimp caught in the filter

pump thingy, and I can't get it out.

So, you're not drinking?

This is a work of art.

A Kootz.

and If the host finds out I got a shrimp

caught in his Kootz, Travis, please help me.

Can you tell the difference?

They both taste, just ...bad.

One's like rocks, this one like dirt.

Okay, yes, yes, maybe I taste dirt.

No, you got the rock.

So Lydia, you were saying before

that you thought your daughter was gonna be a star.

Oh, yes, my daughters' is gonna become a star.

Success is a lifestyle you need to prepare for.

You read in the tabloids every day,

some shmuck hits it big and falls to pieces

'cause he wasn't ready for success.

Oh gosh.

Let's imagine, you make millions of dollars.

What do you do?

I have millions of dollars?

I throw a big party and I buy some new shoes

and Escapade loves horses,

so we could probably get, like, a hundred?

Henry, what would you do with your millions of dollars?

I'm floundering here.

Wow, I don't know ...fleet of blimps?

Oh that's such a good idea.

See, okay, that's what I'm talking about

you've got to educate yourself.

I was very, very lucky, someone showed me the way.

I learned to live well.

Fine wine, clothing, art-

In fact, have you got a second?

[ music playing ]

Here is Gerd Schlimt, German expressionism.

I put it here to contrast these very different views of nature.

One is pretty, and one is ugly.

Yes!

There are many different ways of seeing.

You are an expert.

Here is my little Felix Graham.

Okay this is where I'm like, it looks like a bunch of squiggles.

That's exactly what it is.

That's a picture of a feeling. Exactly.

Hm, Hm, Hm somebody's gonna do well with their millions.

Millions? I work at the airport.

You could find it. In a bag.

Sure.

Miracles do happen.

Oh this is so exciting.

By George, I think I'm getting it.

Ah that's the spirit.

Ah Henry, It's great, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's Ian Spankler.

British.

I picked it up for three hundred

Just before he took off.

Three hundred dollars?

Three hundred thousand.

He wants to have sex with the porcupine,

but it's poking him.

Yes.

So what if Borp-7 was, like, wrestling

with some kind of proto-soul-

Is that Henry? What?

What were you watching? What are you watching?

Weirdos.

Look, she's a robot.

No she's Bio-Cybernetic.

she has these Nanotech circuits

that can make her evolve.

The only reason you're saying that

is because because you wanna put your falis in Colette.

No I'm saying that because what they said was right.

When Slave Girl dies, it should be moving.

Know what'd be moving?

If there was a panda and a kitty

on the Titanic and they got cancer.

and fell in love, that would be moving,

Let's put that in script.

Can you relax man, can we try this,

No risk, no reward,

whatever Steve Guttenberg said.

Try it, whatever.

Just don't sprain your fingers selling out.

Can you fix it?

Diaguchi intake feeding some kind of chick driven

Jap filter system,

I can't even see the shrimp.

I can try, but it's gonna be tricky,

Jesus Ron!

He's pouring a '89 St. Emilion.

Ah yeah.

New pages!

Ron, more vino!

Oh yes Mr. Guttenberg.

Hey, where are my players!

Okay, I really appreciate it, Travis.

Wine.

Oh hey, try this one.

Okay. All right.

They'll like it.

Okay. We've got Krond.

Yes.

And the handsome Captain DuKlark,

Ah yes.

The spectacular gorgeous Slave girl, Thanks.

and Borp-7.

Let's get it on it's feet!

Henry, what would you say if I said,

I'm about to act your ass into next week?

I'd say, I'm retired.

So who gives a shit.

Well then I'd say you're a massive enormous pussy?

Okay then I guess I would say,

I could act you under the table

with one feeling tied behind my back. - Oh really?

I'm tasting...sticks?

And rope?

Thank you.

Now my actors, prepare,

"Interior, Bridge." Action.

Captain. I'm worried.

Good, right off, with the feelings.

They caught me, what could I do?

About our deuterium levels?

Yeah, me too.

About you, sir.

Since when was worrying part of your programming?

Coordinates set?

Thread a binary star?

You'll kill us all, DuKlark.

Or is that what you want, since she died?

Yeah, maybe it is. Maybe I've--

Ahh--

What are you doing here? I thought you were dead.

I had to know if the coordinates worked.

I had to know that you were safe.

If they work, it's because you've saved us all.

Now get back in the surgi-tube.

Her face's ruined, she's of no use.

DuKlark, no!

Is that all she is to you?

A face?

What the fuck was that?

Dude, I'm acting?

Oh, awesome.

Okay, I'm back in.

Sir, chance of survival is point 079--

She risked all.

So can we.

Engage!

Let's do it!

Ah sorry, the door was open.

Is Travis...

Yeah, go kitchen.

Okay Borp-7 fires the tachyon cannon,

there's a space warp thing, oh no.

We're clear.

Thank you for saving my people.

No!

No, no, no-

Sir, her life readings.

What do you know about life?

I'm learning, sir.

What do you know about life?

You saved the galaxy.

And...scene!

What a thrill ride!

Oh my god it was so sad when the slave girl dies.

Right.

He loved her.

Humanity.

Heart. Drama.

God, great,

this is what I love about theater!

You put yourself out there, voila!

I loved when she said, "I'm learning."

You know it's like she was learning to learn.

Yeah, I can't believe this guy

didn't want to put that in there.

Why you gonna say that? I didn't say that.

Yeah, it made me think of Ayn Rand-

How so?

Hey have you seen his art collection?

He has a Spankler.

of the dude fucking the porcupine.

Yeah. I love Spankler.

Oh you want me to show you, it's right over there.

Oh yeah, that'd be great.

It's a dude fucking a porcupine.

It's a bad environment.

I know. What are you doing here?

He's my sponsor, he's helping me.

Who are you?

I'm Carlos.

I'm AA, too, I'm here to help Travis.

Oh. Didn't you fix the pump?

I got the shrimp out, but I'm too wasted

to re-attach the intake.

So they sent you to attach it?

You called your sponsor here to fix a fish tank?

It's art.

A Kootz-

Do you understand what AA is actually for?

I thought I did.

You don't!

I should've been a movie star.

Yeah, hey, this isn't going to be awkward, right?

That we're just in our under panties?

No, no, no.

Nothing I haven't seen before.

True.

Hey, so I saw your scene,

in that movie.

God, come on.

You were really good,

Like-- I didn't know that you were that good.

Cause you never told me, that you were like

a legitimate actor.

Come on, For real.

You gotta miss that a little bit.

Miss constantly being constantly rejected?

Not really.

No miss doing something that you're amazing at.

I'm good at team leading.

Yeah, but--

"No risk, no reward?"

Well I have a saying.

"No risk, no risk." After all that bullshit,

going back and starting over, no way.

Ron did.

Oh Ron did.

Did I just use Ron as a life example.

What are you doing?

Inviting you to just-- be quite.

Don't do that.

You have a girlfriend.

And you have a boyfriend so--

Paul and I kinda drifted apart

I guess like a few weeks ago. Okay.

But still...Maybe this kind of lost in the shuffle,

but you did kind of, "break my heart"

and that's kinda-- still there.

Now it's very awkward.

Hot tub, yes!

Mind if I join?

I'm gonna get out.

You-- No, I'm gonna get out of the hot tub.

Casey.

Whoa.

You really should take your underwear off.

The jets feel great on your balls.

Um, I should probably-

Get going.

Ooh. What's going on out here?

Oh ho ho! Wouldn't you like to know?

Are there suits we could borrow?

Who needs suits? No risk, no reward!

Get you tokuses in here, right now!

I said, right now!

I don't know man, I think that the first draft have

is way stronger.

You know, DuKlark, and Krond--

that's where your story's at.

Like, Jungian shadow figures.

So much came out of that re-write.

Why hadn't I ever re-written before?

Why did Steve Guttenberg, have to tell me

that I needed a re-write?

Taking off?

All right, see ya.

Hot tubing it Hollywood style!

Now this you don't have to teach me.

Hot tub I get!

When I'm rich I'm gonna buy you one.

Thanks.

The rewrite was great, wasn't it?

Yeah, you know what I think would be cool

is if more of it was more like,

the robot, growing a soul?

You know, that's a cool idea.

Maybe we could get together, some after and talk about it.

No.

Hey Henry you were great in it.

How come you gave that up?

Thanks.

Henry, all that talent.

it's for my experience 9 times out of 10

if you've got the talent, you break through.

Yeah, but what about that one guy?

Who wants Mochi?

[ all screaming ]

I have takers?

[ all talking ]

*

I think Steve Guttenberg had a fun time.

It was a great night, huh?

Have you seen my clipboard, anywhere?

Oh yeah I took it.

Force of habit.

"Sorry. You really were good? "

Who's that?

Oh. you know what I think this is for you,

Your buddy Travis.

He must be sorry you got kicked out of AA.

Oh, that's sweet.

I realized I don't actually need it.

I mean, those guys have real drinking problems.

I can't wait to see that feedback card.

I got so much out of tonight Here are my A-list writers.

Steve. Pleasure.

Roman, so talented.

I had a great time.

We're gonna send you the new copies.

You helped out, you helped out a lot.

Thank you. Good night.

Whoo!

What an education.

Wow!

Thank you. I feel so ready to be rich.

Goodbye, gotta make my shift at the airport.

Oh maybe tonight's the night you'll find your bag of money.

Bye Ted.

Careful, hey Steve, great hangin' with you.

So wonderful, Kyle.

You are amazing. Awe, thank you.

again, you're the best.

See you in class Kyle.

And remember "No risk--

No reward."

I fucking hate Steve Guttenberg.

*

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Tree.