Original subtitles

I UNDERSTAND, UDA.

OKAY, UM, OKAY, WELL,

DID YOU CHANGE HIS WATER OR SOMETHING?

DON'T WORRY, BOSS, GETTIN' OFF THE PHONE.

DON'T WANNA BE ON THE PHONE AT WORK. NOW IS NOT REALLY--

YOU'RE ON THE PHONE, I TOTALLY SEE HOW THAT'S FAIR.

HENRY? YEAH?

CAN I DO BAR OR PLATES,

OR ANYTHING BUT THIS? IT'S TOO SOON.

TOO SOON--?

MANDY LOVED CHEESE.

MANDY DUMPED HIM.

OKAY, DO PLATES.

ROMAN, CHEESE, PLEASE?

THANK YOU, HENRY, I KNEW YOU'D UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T, BUT--

SORRY I'M LATE.

CONGRATULATIONS, JUMPING BOY. SHUT UP.

CONGRATULATIONS! WHAT FOR?

OH, YOU DIDN'T HEAR?

KYLE'S BIG BASE JUMPING MOVIE WAS RELEASED.

ON DVD. OH MY GOD!

IN ASIA. [ squealing ]

UNDER THE TITLE, "JUMPING BOYS."

KYLE, CONGRATULATIONS!

NO, NO KYLE, CONGRATULATIONS,

IT GOT DUMPED.

IT'S A SHIT MOVIE.

AW, STRAIGHT TO VIDEO, MUTHERFUCKER.

HOW WE DOING IN HERE, OKAY? YEAH.

GREAT, COULD I HAVE EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION?

FOR A SECOND, DOWN HERE?

COUPLE WORDS ABOUT TONIGHT, NOTHING TOO COMPLICATED,

JUST A GATHERING OF FRIENDS, I WANT TO KEEP THE VIBE

KINDA CASUAL FUN.

SO, LET'S KEEP THE DRINKS FULL

LET'S KEEP THE APPETIZERS CIRCULATING,

BUT LET'S NOT GET IN ANYBODY'S FACE.

I JUST WANT OUR GUESTS TO FEEL VERY RELAXED

AND UNINHIBITED, SO LET'S BE LIKE CHILDREN,

SEEN BUT NOT HEARD. NO PROBLEM--

UM, OH, AND ONE LAST THING,

GOES WITHOUT SAYING, BUT I'LL SAY IT ANYWAY.

UM--

STAY OUT OF THE FUCK ROOM.

*

**

[ indistinct chatter ]

OH, CHICKEN.

CHICKEN, CHICKEN, CHICKEN.

THAT WAS MY LADYFRIEND'S SECOND FAVORITE

TYPE OF, EX-LADYFRIEND, EX-LADYFRIEND.

HEY RON?

RON? YEAH?

WHY DON'T WE CIRCULATE. YEAH.

CIRCULATE.

SORRY.

ROMAN? WHAT?

DIDN'T THE HOST SPECIFICALLY ASK US

TO STAY OUT OF THE FUCK ROOM?

A FUCK ROOM IS A ROOM WHERE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING.

THAT'S JUST A ROOM, SO--

OKAY, BUT--

SO IT'S LIKE AN ORGY?

IT'S NOT LIKE, IT'S PRECISELY AN ORGY,

HOW DID YOU NOT GET THAT FROM THE INVITATION?

I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE A MASK PARTY.

WHAT'S A FUCKING A MASK PARTY?

I GOT IT WAS AN ORGY.

YOU DID, TOTALLY.

RIGHT?

DRINKS, GREAT, MAYBE, UH,

LET'S ALL GET LOOSENED UP, HUH?

AND I HAVE STRAWS,

IN CASE ANYONE HAS

TROUBLE WITH THEIR BEAKS.

SUPER, GREAT, SO NOBODY HAS SEEN "EYES WIDE SHUT?"

OH, I HAVE, IT'S THE ONE WHERE LINDSAY LOHAN

PLAYS TWO PEOPLE.

NO, IT'S THE ONE WITH THE ORGY.

THAT ONE'S GOOD TOO.

VERY GOOD FILM.

OKAY, GUYS, TAKE IF FROM THE MAN

WHO JUST SPENT EIGHT MISERABLE YEARS

IN THE CAGE.

WE ONLY GET ONE CHANCE AT THIS LIFE, OKAY?

LET'S NOT WASTE OUR LIVES DENYING OUR DESIRES.

NO, LET'S CHECK OUR HANG-UPS AT THE DOOR,

LET'S GRAB FREEDOM WITH BOTH HANDS, AND LIVE!

COME ON, SERIOUSLY?

HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

THAT'S A REALLY COOL MASK, WHAT IS THAT?

SOME KIND OF BIRD, OR SOMETHING.

YEAH, I WAS THINKING MAYBE LIKE A PEHEN, LIKE AN IBIS,

KYLE, BE AT THE BAR, OKAY?

YES, SIR.

GOD. THIS JOB SUCKS.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

WELL, THE GOOD NEWS IS, I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE

A SHOWER THAT WILL HOLD

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR,

FIVE PEOPLE, YOU WANNA TRY?

I WOULD LOVE FOR--

HEY, EVERYTHING OKAY?

BESIDES THE FACT THAT WE'RE CATERING AN ORGY?

YEAH, EVERYTHING'S JUST GREAT.

I KNOW, I KNOW, ALAN DUK SAID

HE WANTED US TO WORK IT, OKAY?

AND TO CALL IF IT GOT GOOD, SO YOU COULD

BE IN CHARGE OF THAT.

OKAY, IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE,

I CAN HAVE YOU SWITCH WITH SOMEONE, HEY ROMAN,

SWITCH WITH CASEY, OKAY?

CASEY, YOU'VE GOT PREP GARBAGE--

OH, GARBAGE, COOL,

SO FOR THE CRIME OF HAVING STANDARDS,

I GET THROWN ON GARBAGE?

IT'S NOT A CRIME, I'M JUST-- THANK YOU, FOR THAT.

[ glass breaking ]

[ whistling ]

WHAT?

NOTHING, THAT GIRL HAS GOT A GREAT ASS.

WHY DON'T THE TWO OF YOU JUST GO FUCKING TAG TEAM THAT ASS?

DO YOU WANT TO TAG TEAM IT TOGETHER, HIGH FIVE--

JUST FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT INTO THAT.

TWO GUYS ON ONE CHICK,

YOU'RE A PERINIUM AWAY FROM KISSING DICK.

ARE YOU OKAY? BECAUSE YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE--

WHAT, LIKE I'M ABOUT TO START MY PERIOD?

I WAS NOT GOING TO SAY THAT.

DON'T LET ME BLOCK YOUR VIEW OF THE ORGY.

EXCUSE ME. JESUS.

LIKE THIS QUALIFIES.

I UNDERSTAND THE CONFUSION,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T USE THE WORD ORGY ON HERE ANYWHERE.

WELL, THAT IS BECAUSE I WANTED IT TO BE CLASSY.

RIGHT, AND "EYES WIDE SHUT" IS A GOOD THEME.

YES, THEY DO WEAR MASKS,

BUT THEIR WHOLE ORGY WAS STOCKED WITH HOOKERS.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE.

ABSOLUTELY, THAT MOVIE IS REALLY CONFUSING.

IF YOU WANT, I CAN GIVE THIS PARTY

A ONCE OVER, AND--

GIVE YOU SOME TIPS.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO A LOT OF ORGIES?

NO, BUT I'VE READ A LOT ON THE SUBJECT.

I'M A READER. OKAY.

YOU EVER BEEN TO AN ORGY?

CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE.

ME NEITHER, LOOKS LIKE.

IT'S EARLY. FEW DRINKS, PEOPLE'LL WARM UP.

ED, MY EX, GET A COUPLE OF BEERS

IN THAT GUY, THEN HE'D JUST START YELLING FOR ME

TO MAKE OUT WITH MY FRIEND PEG.

YOU EVER DO IT?

GOSH NO.

WELL, I MEAN, AFTER MY DIVORCE,

BUT IT WAS, SPECIAL.

SO UH--

SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NOT LIKE THAT. NO?

FREE AT LAST! OH YEAH, SURE.

NO, IT'S SO REFRESHING

NOT TO HAVE SOMEBODY GLARING AT YOU ALL THE TIME.

TELLING ME WHAT TO DO--

TELLING YOU WHAT TO WEAR, OR WHEN TO TALK.

OR LOCKING UP THE REMOTE,

OR CALLING YOU "HOG BODY."

IT'S LIBERATING, ISN'T IT?

SURE WAS, YEAH, WHOO!

FREE! JUST ME!

DYIN' ALONE.

MUST BE--

REALLY LONELY FOR YOU HERE IN THIS--

REALLY, BIG--

BEAUTIFUL HOUSE OF YOURS.

IT'S JUST YOU. YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING, MAY I ASK?

ESTATE LAW. NO WAY.

THAT IS THE MOST EXCITING--

IT'S MY FAVORITE LAW.

THAT YOU JUST SAID.

WAIT, MIRA?

HEY, KYLE.

YEAH, IT WAS LIKE THREE YEARS AGO.

WE DID SOME EXTRA WORK ON "GILMORE GIRLS."

OH. YEAH.

YEAH, HEY, HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?

UPS AND DOWNS.

MORE DOWNS NOW, BUT--

YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT, I DID THIS MOVIE LAST SUMMER,

JUST FOUND OUT IT'S GOING STRAIGHT TO DVD.

BUMMER.

YEAH. BUT I GOT A CALLBACK FOR THIS

HORROR THING, IT'S CALLED "CHOP SHOP."

ABOUT THIS SHOP WHERE THEY CHOP PEOPLE--

SORRY, ACTUALLY, I'VE GOTTA GO HOLD

THE TRAY OF CONDOMS AND LUBE, SO--

SURE, YEAH, DO YOUR THING.

OKAY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

SO, FIRST, THE LIGHTING'S WAY TOO BRIGHT.

PIMPLES? THEY'RE NOT SEXY.

BRING THE LIGHTS DOWN, AND THE MUSIC'S GOTTA CHANGE.

SEXUAL DRIVE RESIDES IN THE HYPOTHALAMUS,

SO WHAT YOU WANT IS A BEAT THAT KINDA STIMULATES THAT.

PEOPLE AROUND HERE ARE SIPPING,

LIKE WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

THEY NEED TO GET FUCKING SMASHED.

THEY GOTTA DOWN 'EM.

GOTTA GET THAT GOIN', I HAVE SOME IDEAS.

BUT MOST IMPORTANT THING

IS GROUPING.

YOU WANNA FIND YOUR FUCK ACTIVES,

CLUSTER THEM TOGETHER.

AND WHEN THEY START FUCKING,

YOUR FUCK PASSIVES'LL SEE IT'S OKAY AND THEY'LL JOIN--

AH, THAT'S GREAT, THAT'S VERY VERY GOOD.

GET TO WORK ON THAT. OH GREAT.

OKAY. THANKS.

--AND HER SMILE, HER SMILE,

IT WAS LIKE HER TEETH WERE MADE OF SUNSHINE.

AND NOW EVERY DAY FEELS LIKE

IT'S MADE OF SHIT.

FOR FUCK SAKE.

SHE MUST'VE BEEN REALLY SPECIAL.

OH MY GOD, JEREMY, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

WE GOOD? I MEAN, I'VE HAD BETTER DAYS.

EVERYBODY HAVE DRINKS, WE ALL HAVE DRINKS?

GREAT, SUPER, LET'S NOT FORGET WHY WE'RE HERE.

RIGHT? [ laughing ]

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME JUST VENT A LITTLE BIT.

WE SHOULD EXCHANGE E-MAILS.

--YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE A DOG ATE MY HEART,

AND NOW ALL I'M LEFT WITH IS THIS EMPTY RIB HOLE

OF MEMORIES. OKAY, CASEY,

CHANGE OF PLANS, CAN YOU GO CIRCULATE FOR A LITTLE BIT?

OUT THERE? YOU JUST TOLD ME THAT--

HENRY, HENRY, HENRY, LET ME GO OUT THERE,

I NEED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE AND LAUGHTER--

RON, I'M SORRY, BUT THE HOST SAID

YOU'RE RUINING THE MOOD--

AND CASEY, DON'T WORRY,

THERE'S NOTHING'S GOING ON, BELIEVE ME.

OH, WELL, THAT MUST BE SO

SUPER DISAPPOINTING FOR YOU PERVERTS.

HEY, ARE YOU ACTUALLY UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING?

NO, IT'S PERSONAL,

SO, FORGET ABOUT IT, I DON'T WANT

TO CROSS LINES NOW THAT--

WHAT, NOW THAT WE'RE COWORKERS?

OKAY, RON

JUST FINISH WHATEVER IT WAS CASEY WAS DOING, PLEASE?

YEAH, OH CHEESE, SHE LOVED CHEESE.

HENRY-- WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE?

FROM WHEN CASEY DUMPED YOU?

YEAH, LIKE A DOG ATE MY HEART.

EXACTLY.

COME ON, COME ON, LET'S DO A DRINK.

NO, NO WAY. A DRINK!

I'M POURING THEM.

JUST ONE. YES.

[ laughing ]

ALL RIGHT. HEY--

TO WOMEN.

REALLY, TO WOMEN? YES, TO WOMEN.

OKAY.

KARATE!

JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS, REMEMBER THAT?

LIKE THE OLD DAYS,

YOU AND ME, BACK OF THE VAN,

PAW PAW PAW PAW,

JUST TWO GUYS, NOT A CARE IN THE WORLD.

THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS, ONE MORE.

NO, NO, NO, NO. HENRY.

OKAY.

GO FOR IT, MAN, DON'T BE SHY,

THAT'S WHAT THE MASKS ARE FOR--

THE MASK'S THE PROBLEM, MY MOM WAS A CLOWN.

KIDS PARTIES AND STUFF--

CASE, HOW MANY ORGIES HAVE YOU WORKED?

THIS IS THE FIRST.

AREN'T THEY COMMON HERE?

NO, THEY'RE NOT COMMON HERE,

THANK GOD.

WHAT IS ALL THIS, THIS IS WHAT GUYS LIKE?

SEX AS A FACELESS PARTY GAME?

I THINK SO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF NICK?

THE HOST? YES.

NO, REALLY? YES!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SINGLE, LAWYER, BIG HOUSE?

HE'S INTO ANONYMOUS CHEAP SEX?

CASEY, MEN AREN'T LIKE US.

TO THEM, SEX IS A BIG DEAL,

LIKE SPORTS OR FLAGS.

IF WE HAVE TO HUMOR THEM TO GET A FOOT IN THE DOOR,

SO BE IT.

YOU SEE CHEAP SEX, I SEE A VERY NICE HOUSE

AND A MAN WHO NEEDS A WOMAN'S TOUCH.

AND JUST BETWEEN US GIRLS,

IT'S BEEN A WHILE, SINCE--

SINCE I, UM, Y'KNOW--

[ making funny noises ]

OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SINCE I HAD SEX WITH A MAN-- I GOT IT.

OKAY, SO THEY'RE CALLED BODY SHOTS.

WHAT YOU DO IS, YOU TAKE OFF YOUR TOP--

AND THEN YOU JUST KINDA PUSH YOUR BOOBS TOGETHER

AND THEN I POUR IN BETWEEN AND SOMEONE ELESE IS GONNA DRINK.

YES! Y'KNOW, I MEAN IF YOU WANT,

I CAN DEMONSTRATE HOW TO DO THE DRINKING PART,

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT?

YES, AND THEN PUSH THEM TOGETHER.

[ laughing ]

YOU GO FIRST, YOU GO FIRST.

NO, YOU, LOOK, YOU HAVE WAY, LISTEN,

YOU SHOULD DO THIS, IT'S GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN,

YOU'RE NOT GONNA REGRET--

I'LL DO IT! WHO WANTS TO DO ME?

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A WOMAN, MAN,

MAYBE IF YOU WERE CUT AND CHISELLED, BUT--

BUT WHAT? I'M GOING--

NO, MAN, LOOK--

POOR FOR ME, BUDDY.

WE MIGHT AS WELL DO IT OFF THE SIDE OF A MOOSE.

OKAY, WHO'S DRINKING?

C'MON, DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING,

I GOTTA DRINK SOLO?

POUR, MY FRIEND.

SHE'S, OH MAN--

[ laughing, cheering ]

YOU'RE MAKING A MOCKERY OF THIS ENTIRE THING!

CASEY, BODY SHOTS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON A WOMAN, RIGHT,

FOR THE FLOW OFF THE TITS?

[ cheering ]

I'LL GO!

[ cheering ]

YES, TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

COME ON, TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

NO, NO, THIS IS BACKWARDS!

[ cheering ]

THIS ISN'T HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE!

CLOSE ENOUGH, YES, YES,

KEEP THEM DRINKING, GET THEM INTO THE FUCK ROOM.

GREAT, HEY, EVERYBODY!

HOW 'BOUT WE TAKE THIS THING INTO BACK ROOM, WHO'S IN?

I'M IN. WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WELL, WITH A LITTLE BIT OF ELBOW GREASE,

THIS THING MIGHT COME TOGETHER.

WELL DONE, TEAM MANAGER. THANKS.

SEE, I PREFER TO PLAY THE GAME.

WATCH THE BAR, WOULD YA?

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

DREAM ON.

HEY, MIRA, WHAT'S UP?

UM, MY NUMBER.

YEAH, I KNOW THE CASTING PEOPLE FOR THAT HORROR THING,

SO JUST, Y'KNOW, GIVE ME A CALL, WHENEVER,

UH, WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT IT?

OH, RIGHT, OF COURSE,

WELL I WAS THINKING MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE ME

YOUR NUMBER, AND THEN WE COULD HOOK UP LATER.

LOOK, I DON'T WANNNA BE HIT ON RIGHT NOW.

OKAY?

NO, WAY, NO,

BUT I WAS THINKING WE COULD GET TOGETHER,

DO SOME SCENE STUDY, A LITTLE COLD READ,

UM, WHATEVER YOU NEED HELP WITH, YOU KNOW.

LIKE, HOW TO BE YET ANOTHER SADASS

UNEMPLOYED WANNABE ACTOR IN L.A?

I GOT THAT DOWN, THANKS.

WHOA, NO, THAT'S NOT ME,

NO, NO, THINGS ARE ACTUALLY REALLY HAPPENING FOR ME, SO--

YEAH, FOR YOU, AND THE MILLION GUYS

JUST LIKE YOU GETTING OFF THE BUS EVERY DAY.

I'M GLAD YOU THINK YOU'RE SPECIAL,

BUT MAYBE ONE DAY, WHEN YOU'RE STANDING NUDE

IN A STRANGER'S HOUSE TO PAY YOUR RENT,

YOU MIGHT REALIZE, I'M NOT SPECIAL.

I'M JUST ANOTHER GRAIN OF SAND

ON THAT ENDLESS FUCKING BEACH.

BUT, HEY, IF YOU'RE COOL WITH YOUR DELUSION,

CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS.

BUT PLEASE, DON'T TRY TO SELL ME ON YOUR BULLSHIT, OKAY?

WOOF.

EPIC FAIL.

DID YOU TELL HER YOU'RE GONNA BE HUGE IN PINAPIN?

YOU DOING OKAY WITH THAT CHEESE?

YES, YES, IT'S GOOD FOR ME, HENRY,

CONFRONT MY FEELINGS HEAD ON.

OKAY, CHEESE.

EVERYTHING OKAY, KYLE?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU TWO, COME WITH ME, PLEASE.

LYDIA? YES?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING-- GODDAM BODY SHOTS.

YOU GOTTA GET BACK INTO THE PARTY.

ON MY WAY. GET HIM UP.

GET HIM ON HIS FEET AND GET HIM OUTTA HERE.

PLEASE.

I'M SO EMBARRASSED-- DON'T BE EMBARRASSED,

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE HUMAN,

WE ALL HAVE DESIRES, THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I'M HIS SUPERVISOR.

I'M SUPPOSED TO FIRE HIM ON MONDAY.

OH, I WON'T TELL HIM THAT.

HE LIVES RIGHT DOWN THE STREET,

BUT TAKE HIM OUT THE BACK, OKAY?

DON'T LET EVERYBODY SEE HIM, IT'S DISGUSTING.

BUT, OH, NO, NO, YOU DON'T NEED TO GO.

I GOTTA, I HAVE TO GO.

I GOTTA GO. YOU DON'T--

THE GREAT THING WOULD BE--

AHHH.

CRAP, THAT WAS ONE.

BOY, THAT'S FRUSTRAITING.

LOT OF STRESS, THROWING YOUR OWN ORGY.

AND, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.

VERY, VERY STRESSFUL, YES.

YOU ARE SOMETHING ELSE, MISTER.

HEY, IS THIS WHERE THE ACTION IS?

THIS IS EXACTLY WHERE THE ACTION IS!

OH, REALLY, WRONG PLACE,

THIS SEAT'S TAKEN!

WE WENT FOR A DRINK, BUT THE BARTENDER LEFT,

SO WE FIGURED-- THE BARTENDER LEFT?

OH, FOR FUCK SAKE!

OKAY, UM, I'M GONNA MAKE SURE THERE'S A BARTENDER,

YOU GET CRAZY, I'LL BE BACK WITH MORE BODIES.

OKAY, COME ON BACK, HURRY BACK.

[ moaning ]

[ moaning ]

YEAH, I DON'T THINK SO.

[ moaning ]

ONE TIME, SHE SHAVED MY DOG.

DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME.

SAID IT WAS SO HE'D BE "COOL."

I SAID, HE DOESN'T LOOK "COOL,"

HE LOOKS GAY.

AND HER GAY FRIEND WHO'S STANDING RIGHT THERE, HE'S LIKE

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

I'M LIKE, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M THE FREAK?

I JUST BROKE UP MYSELF. YOU KNOW?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS THE ONE.

AH, HEY, HEY, BUT IF YOU WERE STILL TOGETHER,

WOULD YOU HAVE BEEN AT AN ORGY TONIGHT?

WELL, YEAH, I MEAN, IT'S MY JOB.

JEFF, DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU'RE LOST?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHO DOESN'T WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

LIKE, WHO AM I,

WHAT AM I DOING?

NO, NO, I MEAN, LIKE, DO YOU ACTUALLY LIVE

IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, BECAUSE,

NICK SAID YOU WERE RIGHT DOWN THE STREET.

OH, NO, I DON'T LIVE HERE.

I LIVE-- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WANNA GO BACK TO THE ORGY.

[ dog barking ]

KYLE, THE HOST NEEDS A BARTENDER OUT THERE.

THAT'S ME, A BARTENDER.

YEAH.

SO--

YOU OKAY?

I COULD BE.

OR I COULD BE TOTALLY FUCKING SCREWED.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

OH MY GOD, GUYS, GUESS WHO JUST GOT TWO CHICKS TO MAKE OUT?

I THINK WE MIGHT ACTUALLY GET THIS PARTY INTO FULL SWING.

THE FUCK'S GOING ON WITH HIM?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

JESUS, MAN, WITH ALL THE CHICKS YOU GET,

IF YOU EXPECT US TO FEEL BAD FOR YOU

JUST 'CAUSE ONE GIRL TURNS YOU DOWN--

HEY, GUYS--

I'M TRYING TO THROW AN ORGY HERE,

AND THERE'S NOBODY AT THE BAR.

I GOT IT, I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

WHAT IS IT, IS IT UH,

"JUMPING BOYS?" IS THAT WHAT'S GOING ON?

THAT SHIT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME IN H-WOOD, MAN.

HEY, DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA MAKE IT?

I MEAN, I DON'T, I MEAN--

SHE SAID I WAS A GRAIN OF SAND

THAT'S LIKE, DELUSIONAL TO THINK THAT I'M THE SAND

THAT'S GONNA MAKE IT OFF THE BEACH.

Y'KNOW, LIKE, WHAT IF SHE'S RIGHT MAN?

SHE'S WRONG, IT'S LIKE WHAT YOU TELL ME ALL THE TIME.

I'M JUST FUCKING AROUND WITH YOU.

JESUS.

SO YOU THINK I'M GONNA MAKE IT?

I THINK WE'RE ALL GONNA MAKE IT.

DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA MAKE IT?

WHO YOU GONNA BELIEVE?

SOME BITTER WANNABE WHO'S PISSED

FROM WORKING A SHITTY, DEHUMANIZING JOB--

OR ME?

YOU REALLY THINK I'M GONNA MAKE IT.

HOW MANY TIMES YOU WANT ME TO SAY IT?

LIKE, ONE MORE.

YOU MEAN THAT?

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT, MAN.

KNOW WHAT I MISS?

THE FEELING OF PURPOSE.

SO SOUP R CRACKERS DIDN'T WORK OUT,

SO LONG AS I HAD MANDY,

MY LIFE HAD MEANING.

AND NOW, I'M LIKE,

WHAT AM I DOING?

I KNOW THE FEELING--

I MEAN, Y'KNOW,

MAYBE I WAS TOO QUICK TO PUT HER ON A PEDESTAL.

SHE'S NOT PERFECT.

SHE'S MESSY, KIND OF RUDE.

CALLED ME "FUCKSTICK" ALL THE TIME.

WHICH SHE SAID WAS A COMPLIMENT--

BECAUSE OF YOUR GIANT DICK?

YEAH, BUT THE TIMES SHE SAID IT,

Y'KNOW,"DON'T TOUCH MY FRIES, FUCKSTICK."

"FUCKSTICK, I'M RECORDING THAT."

I DON'T KNOW--

SHE ALSO HAD A VERY ROUGH TONGUE.

WHAT ABOUT UDA?

HER TONGUE? IT'S NORMAL.

NO, NO, NO, I MEAN,

YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT HER AT WORK.

WHAT ABOUT, WHAT ABOUT HER?

SHE'S NICE, Y'KNOW.

SHE'S DOWN TO EARTH.

AND MATURE.

SHE CAN GET UPTIGHT.

SHE KIND OF TALKS DOWN, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, SHE ALWAYS SAYS--

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

LIKE SHE'S TALKING TO A CHILD.

SHE'S NICE, YOU KNOW.

SHE GIVE YOUR LIFE MEANING?

I DON'T KNOW IF I'D GO THAT FAR.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU'VE GOT WORK.

YEAH.

[ vibrating ]

GOD DAMMIT, I FORGOT TO CALL HER BACK.

FUCK!

OH SHIT, ALL RIGHT, THIS CRAZY BULLSHIT.

HEY, SORRY.

WELL, NO IT'S JUST--

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND--

[ laughing ]

NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO, I'M AT WORK,

SOMEBODY MADE A JOKE.

YES, I UNDERST-- [ both laughing ]

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I, UDA, OH.

COME ON, SHE FUCKING HUNG UP ON ME.

SHIT. I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY, I UNDERSTAND.

[ laughing ]

[ both laughing ]

HEY, UDA,

HEY, I AM SO SORRY.

THE FUCK ROOM.

TIME TO GET NAKED.

COME ON IN.

TWO MINUTES ON HIGH.

GOTTA GO, MOMMY'S WORKING--

ALL RIGHT. FANTASTIC.

THAT'S THE LOT.

WOW, I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH, I OWE YOU ONE.

CAN I TAKE THAT ONE NOW, I'LL JUST SIT IN THE CORNER.

I'LL WATCH, I'LL JUST--

I'D REALLY RATHER YOU DID NOT, OKAY?

BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH, BRO.

OKAY, HEY,

HOW'S EVERYBODY FEELING, HUH?

[ cheering ]

YOU'RE ALL FEELING LOOSENED UP, YEAH?

GUESS WHAT, THEN LET'S SCREW!

WOO HOO HOO!

WOO, YEAH!

GUYS, YOU'RE KIDDING, SERIOUSLY?

YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT THE POLITE CONVERSATION ROOM, OKAY?

IT'S THE FUCK ROOM!

DON'T BE IN THE FUCK ROOM

AND BE SURPRISED IF SOMEBODY WANTS TO FUCK.

DON'T EVEN GO INTO A ROOM CALLED A FUCK ROOM

AND NOT EXPECT TO SEE SOME FUCKING.

IT'S A GODDAMN ORGY, PEOPLE!

SAID SO ON THE INVITATION.

IT ACTUALLY DIDN'T SAY THE WORD--

I'M NOT GOING TO ARGUE, IT WAS ON THE INVITATION!

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE HANG-UPS?

HANG-UPS ARE FOR MY KILLJOY EX-WIFE!

OKAY? ARE YOU TELLING ME

I DIVORCED THAT MISERABLE SHREW OF A WOMAN

ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT THE ENTIRE WORLD

IS MY FUCKING EX-WIFE? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?

I AM THE LONELIEST MAN IN THE WORLD

BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY

FREE MAN ON EARTH!

IS THIS WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?

WOW.

WOW, YOU GUYS.

YES, OF COURSE,

I UNDERSTAND, UDA, BUT, Y'KNOW,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET SO MAD.

SHIT, SORRY, THERE'S THIS GUY PASSED OUT--

YEAH, NO, IT'S JUST ONE OF THE WAITERS.

HONEY, I CAN'T LEAVE WORK.

YOU KNOW THAT, OH COME ON--

SORRY. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

PERSONAL?

HER GOLDEN RAM IS SICK.

WHY DOES UDA HAVE A SHEEP?

IT'S NOT A SHEEP, IT'S A FISH.

OH. YEAH.

[ knocking ]

NICK? YEAH?

IT'S LYDIA, THE CATERER.

YOU OKAY?

IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?

NICE, HIGH CEILINGS IN HERE.

NOTHING BUT HANG-UPS. I UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T HAVE ANY HANG-UPS.

OH, LET ME JUST, LET ME MAKE BABY

FEEL ALL NICE AND--

WHAT'S IN HERE?

HI MISTER PILLOW!

HERE, LET'S GO-- OKAY--

NO THANK YOU. NICKIE?

HEY! NO, NO!

WE'RE GOOD, WE'RE ALL GOOD.

EVERYTHING'S GOOD HERE. HEY HEY!

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

OH, THAT'S-- JUST, YOU'RE--

THE COATS ARE IN THE GUEST ROOM.

AND PURSES, OH GOD.

GONNA MESS UP YOUR NICE BEDSPREAD.

HEY EVERYBODY!

LYDIA: HEY NICK, CAN WE TALK?

MOTHER MAY I, EH?

OH, HEY!

--IT'S NOT ABOUT THE FISH.

IT'S NOT EVEN REALLY ABOUT HER, IT'S ABOUT THE KID.

IF THE FISH DIES THEN HE'LL BE DEVASTATED,

SO SHE'S FREAKING OUT ABOUT THAT.

OKAY. IT'S IRRATIONAL,

FOR SURE, BUT LISTEN,

AS A MEMBER OF THE SPECIES, IF YOU WANT TO DATE WOMEN,

YOU GOTTA PUT UP WITH SOME IRRATIONAL SHIT SOMETIMES.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,

THANKS, I GUESS.

IF WE'RE BREAKING THE CODE

OF PROFESSIONAL CONDUCT--

I GO TO USE PAUL'S COMPUTER,

THIS MORNING,

AND I OPEN THE BROWSER-- PORN.

PORN. YEAH.

BUT LIKE, A BILLION PORN SITES.

YEAH, IS THAT WHY YOU'VE BEEN SO PISSY TODAY?

YEAH. OKAY.

I'M ALSO ON MY PERIOD.

I WOULDN'T EVEN CARE.

LIKE WHY WOULD YOU LIE ABOUT THAT?

I MEAN, SPEAKING AS A MEMBER OF THE SPECIES--

GOD, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS?

WE'RE FINE, IT'S ALL OF YOU WHO'RE FUCKING CRAZY.

TOTALLY. YEAH.

GOOD CALL.

YUP.

WELL, VERY NICE TALKING TO YOU, POLLARD.

YOU TOO. MR. POLLARD.

BOSS.

[ moaning ]

"THE GOLDEN RAM IS A SOCIAL FISH

WHICH CAN GET LETHARGIC WITHOUT PEER INTERACTION."

THERE IT IS, MAN, GET A SECOND ONE.

YOU'LL BE LIKE A SUPERHERO.

IT WAS A GREAT, GREAT NIGHT, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, WONDERFUL NAKED STATUE.

GREAT JOB.

HEY, YOU KNOW, I JUST WANT TO SAY,

GOOD LUCK WITH EVERYTHING,

AND UM, DON'T STOP BELIEVING.

JOURNEY.

HOW PROFOUND FOR A BARTENDER.

GOODNIGHT.

YOU. NICK.

I REALLY, REALLY, SERIOUSLY,

WANT TO THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

JUST INVITE ME NEXT TIME, Y'KNOW?

SO, WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE, DID IT ALL GO DOWN?

UH, IT WAS GREAT.

THERE WAS NOT ANY ACTUAL FUCKING-- OH.

IN THE FUCK ROOM, PER SAY, BUT,

IT WAS A VERY, VERY GOOD START.

AND CERTAINLY ENOUGH TO KEEP ME SINGLE

FOR MAN YEARS TO COME.

I CAN DO THAT, FOR SURE.

NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

OH, HEY, GUYS,

HEY, THANK YOU FOR GETTING JEFF HOME.

JEFF--? SHIT--

[ dog barking ]

TREE.