All language subtitles for Party.Down.S02E02.Precious.Lights.Pre-School.Auction.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-NTb_track3_[eng]

HEY, YOU EVER READ
THIS SCI-FI NOVEL SNOW CRASH?

HAVE I EVER READ SNOW CRASH?
YEAH.

YEAH, LIKE FOR
THE TENTH TIME

AS I WAS WAITING FOR

NEAL STEPHENSON
TO SIGN MY COPY.

OKAY SO THEN YOU KNOW
THE CHARACTER,

VITALY CHERNOBYL?

UM, FRONT MAN FOR

VITALY CHERNOBYL
AND THE MELTDOWNS,

PIONEER OF THE UKRAINIAN
NUCLEAR FUZZ-GRUNGE MOVEMENT.

ALL-AROUND BADASS.

YES I KNOW
VITALY CHERNOBYL.

ALL RIGHT WELL,
THEY'RE MAKING IT A MOVIE.

THAT'S THE PART
I'M GOING OUT FOR.

NO.

HELL YEAH.

SO YOU GOTTA HELP ME WITH
LIKE A TAKE ON THE CHARACTER.

FUCK NO.
WHY NOT?

VITALY CHERNOBYL
IS FUCKING AWESOME.

YOU'RE SO WRONG.

THAT'D BE LIKE
IF IN "ALIENS"

THEY HAD CAST KATE HUDSON
TO PLAY RIPLEY.

I WOULD ROOT
FOR THE FUCKING ALIENS.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU WANNA BE TURTLE

OF MY ENTOURAGE, YOU GOTTA
START BEING NICER TO ME.

FUCK THAT, FUCK ENTOURAGE,

AND I'D BE E,
YOU'D BE TURTLE--

I'M THE VINCE MAN.

NOW GET MY CAR,

AND I'LL LET YOU
FUCK MY LEFTOVERS.

HENRY.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO PUT THIS
STEMWARE IN THE PREP TENT?

(loud music)

AH, 20 MINUTES LATE.

YOU GONNA WRITE HIM UP,
BOSS MAN?

DON'T THINK I WON'T.

I HAVE A VERY COMPLEX
DEMERIT SYSTEM.

DOES THE NEW GUY
HAVE A DAUGHTER, TOO?

YEAH.

OH.

YEAH, THEY'RE VERY CLOSE.

*

OKAY KYLE,
YOU TAKE THE SOUTH LAWN BAR;

I'LL TAKE THE NORTH.

OKAY RON,
YOU AND CASEY WILL SERVE.

AND LYDIA,
YOU AND ROMAN

WILL HANDLE
THE PREP WORK, OKAY?

BUT, HENRY...

OH, CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN.

THAT'S GROSS.

RON WHAT DO YOU NEED?

WE GONNA PUT OUT
THE TIP JAR TODAY?

THERE'S A TIP JAR?

WE GET TIPS?

NOT SINCE HENRY
TOOK OVER.

(Ron)
I'M JUST SAYING--

I'VE WORKED A BUNCH
OF THESE SCHOOL AUCTIONS.

AND PEOPLE JUST WANT
TO SHOW OFF.

YOU KNOW, SO THEY
WAVE AROUND THEIR LINCOLNS

AND THEIR HAMILTON'S.

LIKE,
"LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

I OWN A HOTEL
ON PARK PLACE!"

YEAH RON, YOU'RE RIGHT,
TIP JAR!

YOU KNOW, TIP JAR!

TIP JAR!
TIP JAR!

TIP JAR!

NO, WE ARE NOT
PUTTING OUT THE TIP JAR.

WE'RE JUST GONNA GO
WITH THE GUARANTEE.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

TIP JAR.

YEAH,
WHAT DO I KNOW?

I'VE ONLY BEEN DOING
THIS FOR LIKE EIGHT YEARS.

WHAT DO I KNOW?

WHAT'S THAT?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

CAN I SEE YOU OUTSIDE
FOR A SECOND?

SURE.

WHAT'S UP RON?

SEE WHAT I JUST DID?

WHAT?

I'M MODELING
MANAGERIAL BEHAVIOR.

I REMOVED THE ACTOR
FROM THE AUDIENCE HENRY.

OKAY, SEE WHEN PEOPLE
ARE ACTING UP,

YOU DEPRIVE THEM OF THE OXYGEN
THAT FUELS THE FIRE--

YEAH, BUT RON,

YOU WERE THE "ACTOR"
IN THIS SCENARIO SO--

OKAY TAKE MY ADVICE,
OR DON'T.

PUT OUT THE TIP JAR,
OR DON'T.

YOUR CALL HENRY.

OKAY.
REALLY, I MEAN--

BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE
KILLING YOURSELF

TRYING TO BE THEIR FRIEND.

IT'S BETTER THAT
THEY RESPECT YOU--

OKAY, LET'S SEE HERE, UM--

HEY RON, THOSE ARE
SOME PRETTY VILE

PIT STAINS
YOU'VE GOT THERE,

WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON A
WIND-BREAKER FROM THE VAN

SO THE GUESTS DON'T PUKE.

OH AND ALSO, IF YOU'RE FUCKING
20 MINUTES LATE AGAIN,

DON'T BOTHER SHOWING UP.

UM, SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

UNCANNY X-MEN NUMBER FOUR.

HOLY SHIT!

SO WAS THERE LIKE
AN EXACT MOMENT

WHEN YOU KNEW THAT
YOU WERE GONNA QUIT ACTING?

YEAH I GUESS
WHEN I SAW MY PICTURE

NEXT TO JOE ISUZU
IN A TV GUIDE

"WHERE ARE THEY NOW" THING,

I WAS PRETTY SURE IT WAS
THE ONLY HONORABLE PATH.

WHY?

I AUDITIONED FOR THIS
APATOW MOVIE TODAY.

THAT'S GREAT.

WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE

YOU'RE CONSIDERING
EARLY RETIREMENT?

I'M JUST LIKE, SITTING THERE
IN THE WAITING ROOM

AND THERE'S ALL THESE GIRLS

AND THEY ALL LOOK
EXACTLY LIKE ME,

AND I KNOW THAT
THEY'RE THINKING

THE EXACT SAME THING
THAT I'M THINKING,

IT WAS CRAZY,

IT WAS LIKE THIS FLASH
OF INSIGNIFICANCE.

SO HOW'D IT GO?

THEY LAUGHED, SO--

WELL THAT'S GOOD.

IT'S JUST THIS ONE SCENE,
BUT IT'S SO GOOD.

I DON'T WANT TO PUT
TOO MUCH STOCK IN IT,

BUT I SORT OF FEEL LIKE
IF I GET THIS,

IT'LL PRETTY MUCH VALIDATE

EVERY SINGLE DECISION
I'VE EVER MADE

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE THAT LED ME
TO THIS VERY MOMENT.

WOW, WELL, IT'S GOOD TO PUT
ALL OF YOUR EGGS IN ONE PLACE

WHERE YOU CAN REALLY
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THEM--

(phone rings)

MAYBE YOU COULD
KEEP THAT ON SILENT?

THESE ARE MY THICK PANTS.

SO I CAN'T FEEL
THE VIBRATION--

RIGHT.

HELLO?

WELL WHAT'S THE AUDITION FOR?

NO, I CAN'T GO TO ANAHEIM

BECAUSE I HAVE THE SUNDAY
GROUNDLINGS SHOW.

YEAH, FINE.

OKAY JUST-- WILL YOU
SEND ME THE BREAKDOWN--

OKAY THANKS.

IF YOU'RE FINISHED
WITH YOUR PHONE CALL,

I WAS HOPING I COULD BOTHER YOU
FOR A GLASS OF WINE.

IS THAT A CHARDONNAY
OR A RIESLING YOU HAVE THERE?

WHITE WINE.

DIDN'T I SAY,
GO WITH VALHALLA?

YOU DID MRS. DOYLE.

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR,
MS. LEGROS.

YOU'RE RIGHT AS USUAL,
MRS. DOYLE--

I APOLOGIZE.

I AM SO SORRY,
SHE CAN BE A LITTLE--

CUNTY?

YEAH, THAT'S THE WORD,
CUNTY.

UNFORTUNATELY, SHE IS
THE ONE WHO'S GONNA WRITE

A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
FOR MY SON,

SO I HAVE TO KISS HER ASS
UNTIL IT'S DONE.

SO, GROUNDLINGS--?

I USED TO BE IN
GROUNDLINGS--

NO WAY.

LET ME GET NICE LEVELS
FOR YOU,

SO EVERYBODY CAN HEAR YOU.

I NEED THAT HIGHER.

HOW'S THAT?

MY GOD.

I CAN BRING IT LOWER.

(Annie)
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS ALL
YOU NEED TO KNOW

ABOUT LOS ANGELES
SCHOOLS ALL RIGHT?

THERE ARE 300 KINDERGARTEN
SLOTS IN TOP QUALITY SCHOOLS.

50,000 PARENTS
BATTLING IT OUT

TO GET THEIR KIDS IN.

BUT YOUR KID GETS INTO
A TOP ELEMENTARY,

THEN THEY GO TO HARVARD-WESTLAKE
OR BRENTWOOD,

STRAIGHT SHOT
TO YALE OR STANFORD.

HOW DO YOU GET INTO ONE
OF THESE TOP QUALITY SCHOOLS?

THREE WAYS.

YOU CAN BE
ABSURDLY WEALTHY,

YOU CAN BE FAMOUS,

OR, YOU CAN TAKE MY PATH,

WHERE YOU VOLUNTEER TO RUN
THE PRE-SCHOOL SILENT AUCTION

WHICH IS WHY I HAVE
OFFICIALLY RETIRED

FROM THE COMEDY COMMUNITY.

AND HERE I AM:

TAKING SERIOUSLY THE SHIT
I USED TO MAKE FUN OF.

I HAVE SPENT
A YEAR OF MY LIFE

BUSTING MY ASS
MOM-WRANGLING,

AND TODAY, THE DIRECTOR SAYS
IF WE DON'T MEET OUR GOAL,

THERE'S NO LETTER OF
RECOMMENDATION.

NO.

JANICE WERKHOVEN.

WHAT IS THAT?

IT IS A WINE AND CHEESE BASKET
FROM GREENBLATT'S.

SOME TOP-FLIGHT
BOTTLES IN HERE.

A COUPLE 92S--

YEAH I THOUGHT
YOU WERE PUTTING UP

COOKING LESSONS
WITH WOLFGANG PUCK!

YEAH, THAT KINDA
FELL THROUGH.

AT LEAST LOOK ME IN THE EYE
WHEN YOU'RE FUCKING ME--

OH BUT WHY WOULD
YOU WORRY RIGHT?

OF COURSE THOSE
STARFUCKERS

AT PENHALL ACADEMY
ARE GONNA TAKE YOUR KID, RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOUR HUSBAND'S
MOVIE OPENED HUGE.

YOU DON'T CARPOOL
WITH HER, DO YOU?

HELLO AND WELCOME

TO THE PRECIOUS LIGHTS
SILENT AUCTION!

I'M MRS. DOYLE,

THE DIRECTOR
OF PRECIOUS LIGHTS.

THE AUCTION CLOSES
AT SIX P.M. SHARP

AT WHICH TIME I EXPECT
TO SEE OUR TOTAL

ABOVE THE 250,000 DOLLAR--

(phone ringing)

MARK.

(chatter)

YEAH YEAH,
SUPER TOUGH RIGHT?

AND THEN THE GUY
HAS THE--

HEY SO I THOUGHT
ABOUT IT,

AND UM, YOU MIGHT NOT TOTALLY
SUCK AS VITALY CHERNOBYL,

SO IF YOU WANT ME
TO HELP YOU WORK

ON CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT--

OH YOU KNOW WHAT,
I GOT IT TAKEN CARE OF.

SEE LANE HERE,
IS A HUGE SNOW CRASH FAN,

YEAH, YEAH WE'VE BEEN
BREAKING IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT.

I THINK I'M GONNA PLAY IT
KINDA LIKE PITT IN "12 MONKEYS".

UNHINGED, YOU KNOW--

TOUCH OF MAGNOLIA CRUISE.

ALL TESTOSTERONE.

GREAT BIG BALLS
JUST DRAGGING IN THE DIRT.

LOVE IT.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS
GOT IT COVERED.

WE GOT IT,
IT'S GOOD.

CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A SECOND?

THANKS BUDDY.
THANK YOU.

WHAT'S UP.

LEND ME 80 BUCKS.

WHY?

SOME DIPSHIT IS AUCTIONING OFF
UNCANNY X-MEN #4.

RIGHT NOW THE BID'S
AT 75 DOLLARS.

IT'S WORTH AT LEAST
FOUR TIMES THAT.

OH OKAY, SO THAT'S WHY
ALL-OF-A-SUDDEN

I'M AN AWESOME
VITALY CHERNOBYL--

I SAID YOU MIGHT NOT
TOTALLY SUCK--

THAT'S ALL YOU GOT?

REALLY, TO SWEET TALK ME
OUT OF THE STACK

OF 20s IN MY WALLET,
THAT'S IT?

DUDE, YOU ARE
A TERRIBLE ACTOR.

THAT'S HORRIBLE.

LOOK WHO'S
FUCKING TALKING.

WHAT?

YOU'RE NOT EVEN
AN ACTOR.

YOU'RE A HAIRCUT OKAY?
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

YOU KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

YOU AND JAMES
VANDERBEEKS' PARROT?

THE PARROT CAN
DELIVER A LINE.

WHATEVER HIGH SCHOOL
DRAMA COACH

FILLED THE VOID BETWEEN
YOUR EARS WITH BIG IDEAS

PROBABLY JUST WANTED TO GIVE
LITTLE KYLE A COUPLE TUGS.

HE HAD NO IDEA HE WAS
CREATING A MONSTER.

FUCKING CAN'T ACT CREATURE
FROM THE NO TALENT LAGOON.

I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY THAT WAS--

I WAS JUST-- I WAS JUST
FUCKING WITH YOU.

SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN.

I'M PROBABLY
JUST JEALOUS

YOU KNOW, THAT YOU MIGHT GET
A PART IN THAT MOVIE--

I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

JUST A HAIRCUT, HUH?

FUCK YOU, BITCH.

YOU JUST TOOK
THE MASTER CLASS.

FOO!

GOOD ONE.

CAN I GET THAT
80 BUCKS?

WHAT IS WRONG
WITH YOUR PEOPLE?

THEY'RE VULGAR.

THEY'RE DRINKING
ON THE JOB.

TAKING PERSONAL
PHONE CALLS.

AND YOU'VE GOT
ONE OUT THERE

WITH WHOM I THINK YOU NEED
TO HAVE A FRANK TALK

ABOUT PERSONAL HYGIENE.

DO YOU KNOW WHICH ONE
I'M TALKING ABOUT?

I DO.

GOOD.

THEN HANDLE IT.

OKAY.

MY LADY.

YOU HAVE A VERY NICE DAY.

THANKS ROMAN,
THAT WAS HELPFUL.

WORD UP.

OH HEY, BOSS.

HEY--

OKAY WHAT IS THIS,
WHAT'RE YOU DOING?

I'M YOU HENRY.

YOU'RE ME?

THIS JOB IS BENEATH ME
SO I MOPE AROUND

AND I POP PILLS
AND I DRINK

AND I HAVE SEX
WITH MY CO-WORKERS--

OKAY SO YOU STOLE
MY VICODIN?

WAS IT STEALING
AT ALL THOSE PARTIES

WHEN YOU'D DRINK
THE HOST'S BOOZE?

PROBABLY.

WAS IT STEALING WHEN
YOU USED TO SMOKE MY WEED?

OH YOU MEAN WHEN
YOU'D PASS ME A JOINT

AND TELL ME NOT
TO BE A PUSSY?

I DON'T THINK
THAT QUALIFIES.

NOW LOOK RON--

YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT EASY FOR ME
WHEN I WAS TOP BANANA HENRY.

OKAY SO WHAT'S GOOD
FOR THE GOOSE

IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER.

UM, THAT ACTUALLY
MEANS THAT THE SAME RULES

SHOULD APPLY
FOR MEN AND WOMEN.

I'M A MAN, HENRY--

RON, YOU ASKED ME
FOR THIS JOB, RIGHT?

YEAH, AND WHO'DA THUNK?

YOU, ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

AND ME, WORKING FOR YOU.

HUH?

THAT'S LIKE
"TRADING PLACES",

AND I'M DAN AYKROYD
AND YOU'RE EDDIE MONEY.

EDDIE MONEY?

AND MANDY IS
MY JAMIE LEE CURTIS,

SHE SAVED ME
FROM BEING A BUM.

AND UDA--

UDA IS YOUR BLACK LADY
IN THE BIKINI, YEAH.

DOESN'T MATTER--

AT THE END
OF THE MOVIE

WITH BILLY RAY VALENTINE,

HE'S IN A HOT TUB

AND THE BLACK LADY
WITH THE BIKINI.

RON IT'S NOT
"TRADING PLACES".

YOU'RE NOT DAN AYKROYD,
I'M NOT EDDIE MURPHY.

I'M DEFINITELY
NOT EDDIE MONEY,

JUST TAKE
THE WIND-BREAKER,

AND PUT IT ON
THIS TIME, OKAY?

WE'RE GETTING COMPLAINTS.

I'M DAN AYKROYD.

YOU'RE NOT DAN AYKROYD.

SAYS EDDIE MURPHY.

TELL THAT FUCKING PRICK
TWO HIT SHOWS IN FIVE YEARS

IS ENOUGH TO GET
MOST GUYS FIRED.

HE MUST REALLY BE SUCKING
THE SHIT OUT OF MICKEY'S

LITTLE RODENT COCK
OVER THERE AT MOUSCHWITZ.

SCOTCH ROCKS.

IF HE WANTS
THE TV RIGHTS,

HE'S GONNA HAVE TO WORK SOME
OF THAT MAGIC ON MY BALL SACK.

YEAH, TELL HIM
TO BRING KNEE PADS

AND AN APPETITE
FOR MAN JUICE.

LET'S GO, IT'S NOT
A FUCKIN' SOUFFLE.

IT'S YOU KNOW,
ICE AND SCOTCH.

THE EASTONS ARE AUCTIONING
THEIR SUN VALLEY CABIN

FOR A WEEK THIS SUMMER.

THE SUMMER?

WHAT DO PEOPLE DO
IN IDAHO IN THE SUMMER?

WHAT DO THEY WAIT
FOR THE RAPTURE?

HOARD FOOD?

PRACTICE GOOSE-STEPPING?

WHAT THE HELL
ARE WE AUCTIONING?

LUNCH WITH TOM HANKS.

DON'T DIE LEONARD.

WE'RE IN THE FINAL YEAR
OF MY PRE-NUP.

WHEN WE MET YOU SAID
YOU AND TOM ARE CLOSE--

I WAS TRYING TO GET
INTO YOUR PANTS.

HANKS HASN'T
TALKED TO ME SINCE

I PUT HIM IN
TURNER AND FUCKING HOOCH.

I CAN'T MAKE
A LUNCH HAPPEN.

FINE.

SO WIN THE AUCTION.

IT'LL IMPRESS
THE SCHOOL DIRECTOR.

OH HEY, STILSKIN,

YOUR EDGAR ALLEN POE
MOVIE SUCKED ASS.

350 MILLION DOLLARS
WORLD-WIDE THERE FOUR EYES.

WHY DON'T YOU GET ME
A LITTLE FUCKING UMBRELLA

FOR MY COCKTAIL
BEFORE THEY CALL YOU BACK

TO THE SET
OF THE BIG BANG THEORY.

I MEAN COME ON,
CHANNING TATUM AS YOUNG LINCOLN?

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

YOU COULD HAVE HAD
HENRY HERE AT SCALE.

TAYLOR'S SWEET 16?

THE FUCKING
ARE-WE-HAVING-FUN-YET GUY.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HENRY,

TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.

IF YOU'VE GOT ABS
LIKE CHANNING TATUM,

I'LL MAKE YOU
A BIG FUCKING STAR.

SEE THIS IS
A BUSINESS,

FUCKING IDIOTS.

CHECK OUT MY WIFE HERE.

HER NIPPLES GOT HARD

JUST AT THE COMBINATION
OF THE TWO WORDS:

CHANNING AND TATUM.

FUCK YOU, LEONARD.

GODDAMN HONEY,
IT'S A COMPLIMENT.

I TRUST THOSE NIPS OF YOURS
MORE THAN ANY FOCUS GROUP.

CASEY!
YEAH.

CASEY.

HOW MUCH YOU THINK I CAN GET
FOR A 1998 GRAND MARQUIS?

WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT?

RAG TOP, FULLY LOADED,
IT HAS AIR, POWER WINDOWS,

EVERY SATURDAY WAS
THE UNCLE FUZZY SHOW.

ALL THE BIRTHDAY KIDS

GOT TO REACH INTO THE FUN TUB
AND PICK OUT THEIR PRESENT.

AND THEN UNCLE FUZZY HIMSELF
WOULD GIVE THEM A TICKLE.

CREEPY.

SO WHEN MY BIRTHDAY
WAS COMING AROUND

I TOOK A POLAROID OF MYSELF,
I PUT IT IN AN ENVELOPE,

AND GAVE IT TO MY MOM TO MAIL.

SIX MONTHS LATER
I OPENED UP

THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT
IN MY MOM'S CAR,

GUESS WHAT I FOUND?

MY ENVELOPE

FOR UNCLE FUZZY.

AND WHEN I ASKED MY MOM WHY
SHE HAD NEVER MAILED IT TO HIM,

SHE SAID, "WHY WASTE
A PERFECTLY GOOD STAMP?"

UH SORRY, DON'T MEAN
TO BE A BUZZ-KILL,

BUT WE'RE KINDA
GETTING THE EVIL EYE

FROM THE PEOPLE
RUNNING THE PARTY--

HEY LISTEN,
COMRADE STALIN.

WE'RE KINDA IN THE MIDDLE
OF A BIG DECISION HERE.

MM-HMM.

I MADE A PROMISE
TO MYSELF

THAT I WOULD SUPPORT MY DAUGHTER
ESCAPADE'S DREAMS,

AND TOM HANKS
WOULD LOVE ESCAPADE.

I'M GONNA DO IT.

AND I'M SELL
THAT GRAND MARQUIS

TO PAY OFF THE BILL--

YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET
A GRAND FOR THAT SHITBOX.

I THINK YOU NEED TO SET
THE BAR A LITTLE BIT LOWER.

YOU'RE NEVER
GONNA GET HANKS,

R KELLY MAYBE,
IF HE'S AVAILABLE--

OH GET AWAY FROM MY X-MEN,
OLD MAN.

OKAY WAIT A SECOND,

BIDDING ON THE HANKS LUNCH?

NO DON'T DO THAT LYDIA,
THAT'S A WASTE OF TIME--

"WASTE OF TIME,"
YEAH.

"WASTE OF A STAMP."
I DON'T KNOW--

PACK ON 50 POUNDS,

AND WORK A VIRGINIA SLIM
IN EACH HAND,

AND YOU COULD BE MY MOM.

NO, LYDIA.

I JUST HEARD
STILTSKIN SAY

THAT HE CAN'T MAKE
THE HANKS LUNCH HAPPEN,

SO HE'S GONNA OUTBID
ANYONE WHO TRIES TO WIN IT.

DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER

WHAT IT WAS LIKE
TO HAVE A DREAM?

I'M GONNA BE
IN THE TENT.

MELON-BALLING.

WITH ONE HAND.

HEY, I WANTED
TO ASK YOU IF--

IF YOU COULD MAYBE
STAY OFF YOUR PHONE

FOR THE REMAINDER
OF THE EVENT,

THAT'D BE TERRIFIC.

LISTEN, DIDN'T WE ALWAYS
USED TO SAY

THAT THEY DON'T
PAY US ENOUGH

TO GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT ANY OF THIS?

BUT AS A TEAM LEADER,
THEY KINDA DO,

AND I'M KINDA USED
TO THE HEALTH INSURANCE CASEY,

YOU KNOW, AND I WAS
ABLE TO MOVE OUT

OF MY STUDIO APARTMENT
INTO A ONE BEDROOM.

WITH A VIEW.

WOW.
OKAY?

IT'S A VIEW OF A TACO BELL,
BUT STILL, IT'S A VIEW.

FINE.

I WILL STAY OFF THE PHONE.

THANKS.
MMM-HMM.
THANK YOU.

HEY BRUCE, I JUST GOT
THE BREAKDOWN THAT YOU SENT ME

FOR THE "PERKY SUBURBAN MOM?"
MINIVAN COMMERCIAL THING?

THAT'S A JOKE RIGHT?

BECAUSE I'M NOT
"MOM" MATERIAL,

MAN, I'M ACERBIC
20-SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW, I'M FUNNY
BUT FUCKABLE WAITRESS--

NO--

GOD, FUCKITY-FUCK
FUCK FUCK.

HEY THERE, SPORT.

HEY.
HI.

NEED HELP?

I JUST-- I HAVEN'T DONE
THAT IN A WHILE.

GREAT, YEAH.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT, NO.

I CAN'T DO THAT.

EVERY TIME
I STEAL A CIGARETTE

MY SON TELLS ME
I SMELL LIKE GRANDPA.

MY SON, WHO'S GONNA
HAVE TO PUT HIMSELF

THROUGH TRADE SCHOOL
SUCKING OFF TRUCK DRIVERS

BECAUSE WE'RE
30,000 DOLLARS SHORT

AND THERE'S 40 MINUTES LEFT.

WHY ARE YOU
STARING AT ME?

ACTUALLY JUST HAVING
THIS CRAZY REVELATION.

I JUST TOLD MY AGENT THAT
I CAN'T PLAY A SUBURBAN MOM,

BUT THEN I LOOK AT YOU,

AND THIS WHOLE
"VERGE OF HYSTERIA" THING,

THAT'S-- I CAN DO THAT,
I CAN TOTALLY DO THAT.

YEAH WOW, AUDITIONS.

I DO NOT MISS THAT.

THEY'RE AWFUL.

SITTING IN A CASTING ROOM

WITH A DOZEN WOMEN THAT
LOOK EXACTLY LIKE YOU.

WHO WOULD MURDER
EACH OTHER

TO GET A COUPLE
LINES ON BECKER.

WAITING AROUND,
OH YOU DIDN'T GET THE PART.

YOU WERE TOO FUNNY.

YOU'RE NOT FUNNY ENOUGH.

OH YOU'RE TOO TALL.

YOU'RE TOO COLD,
YOU'RE TOO--

I'VE GOTTEN
"TOO JEW-Y" BEFORE.

REALLY.
YEAH,

AND I WAS READING
FOR "DIARY OF ANNE FRANK." SO--

MYSTERIOUS, YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT,
SERIOUSLY

WOULD MUCH RATHER
JUST BE SHOOTING HOOPS

IN THE DRIVEWAY
WITH SAM.

I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU DO IT.

(Mrs. Doyle)
AUCTION ENDS IN 30 MINUTES.

I AM SO FUCKED.

HEY, HOW MUCH MONEY
DID YOU YOU SAY YOU NEEDED

TO REACH YOUR GOAL?

NO, LISTEN TO ME.

THIRD WIFE-- NO KIDS.

YOU PUT YOUR FOOT
DOWN ON THAT.

OKAY WELL MY PLAN
ONLY CALLS FOR TWO WIVES.

YEAH SEE, FIRST ONE--
CRAZY VEGAS WEDDING

WITH SOMEONE
MORE FAMOUS THAN ME.

YOU KNOW,
GETS ME IN THE TABLOIDS.

I DUNNO, A LOHAN.

MAYBE AN OLSEN TWIN.

SHIT, I'M GONNA--

SOMEONE OUTBID YOU,
LEONARD.

JESUS CHRIST
ON A FUCK-STICK!

I BID
20-CUM-SUCKING-GRAND!

WHAT KIND OF RETARDED
STARFUCKER OUTBID ME?

TOM'S AN ICON,

THIS IS L.A.

PEOPLE HAVE
DISPOSABLE INCOME.

YOU ONCE TOLD ME
YOU'D DRINK TWO PINTS

OF APE SPERM TO PLAY
PEBBLE BEACH WITH TIGER WOODS.

YEAH BUT THAT'S SPORTS.

SPORTS ARE COOL.

TOM HANKS
IS A GROWN MAN

WHO WEARS EYELINER
AND PLAYS MAKE BELIEVE.

IT'S FAGGY.

FUCK, WHAT'S THE NEW BID?

40.

40 GRAND--
ANOTHER FUCKING 20 GRAND?

JESUS.

WOULD YOU PREFER EIGHT YEARS
OF DRIVING TO THE VALLEY

FOR EVERY SCHOOL FUNCTION?

MAYBE YOU COULD
JUST CALL TOM AND BEG.

HEY THIS IS YOUR FAULT

AND I'M FIRING
YOUR FUCKING TENNIS COACH.

OKAY, YOU CAN
FIND SOMEBODY

WHO'LL FUCK
YOU FOR FREE.

HE'S A PILATES
INSTRUCTOR.

DICK.

VODKA RED BULL.

OH SHIT,
THAT WAS AWKWARD.

WHAT WAS?

YOU KNOW--
IF HE REMEMBERED US HOOKING UP.

I DON'T REMEMBER
US HOOKING UP.

OH UH, WELL WE DID...

SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS AWESOME.

(Mrs. Doyle)
HELLO MOMS AND DADS!

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE
TO PUT IN YOUR BIDS.

I'M TELLING YOU,
I HAVE INSIDE INFORMATION,

THIS IS DEFINITELY
GONNA WORK.

THE AUCTION ENDS IN...

THIS IS SO DUMB.

NOT ONLY WON'T I GET
A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION,

BUT NOW I'M ON THE HOOK
FOR 40,000 DOLLARS.

I'M SO FUCKED.

(crowd)
18, 17, 16...

OH MY GOD.

HEY LOOK, LOOK.

(crowd)
11...

TEN, NINE, EIGHT...

OH, I THINK SAMMY
MAYBE JUST GOT INTO STANFORD.

HERE WE GO!

FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE!

(Mrs. Doyle)
MOMS AND DADS!

I HAVE SOME VERY GOOD NEWS.

WE HAVE JUST REACHED
OUR FUND RAISING TOTAL.

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY
A VERY SPECIAL THANK YOU

TO OUR AUCTION CHAIRWOMAN,

MS. ANNIE LEGROS.

COME ON UP HERE.

OOOH, SEE?

SUBURBAN MOM!

NOT SUCH A BAD GIG.

(Mrs. Doyle)
AND DON'T FORGET EVERYONE,

I WANT YOU TO STICK AROUND

FOR OUR PRECIOUS
LIGHTS SINGERS--

(phone beeps)

AND THEN HE SAYS,
"DON'T DO IT;

IT'S A WASTE OF TIME."

AND I WAS LIKE,

UH YEAH, WELL WE KNOW YOU'VE
GIVEN UP ON YOUR DREAMS, HENRY,

BUT DOES THAT MEAN
THAT YOU HAVE POOP

ON EVERYBODY ELSE'S
POUND CAKE?

IT'S GONE TO HIS HEAD--
BEING TEAM LEADER.

NOW, HE'S RUBBED
MY NOSE IN IT

EVER SINCE
I GOT HERE TODAY.

SEE THAT'S WHY
I'M TRYING TO GIVE HIM

A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE.

POPPING PILLS

AND SULKING.

NOW, ALL I GOTTA DO
IS TRY TO CONVINCE CASEY

TO SNEAK OFF WITH ME,
HAVE SEX.

UH-OH, I DON'T THINK
YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND'S

GONNA LIKE THAT TOO MUCH.

NO NOT REALLY
HAVE SEX WITH ME.

SEE, THIS IS WHAT HENRY
AND CASEY USED TO DO

WHEN I WAS TEAM LEADER.

YOU KNOW, AND I JUST WANT
HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE

THE FACT THAT
HE PUT ME THROUGH SOME SHIT.

BUT I DON'T THINK CASEY'S
GONNA FOR IT.

WELL.

WOULD ANY CO-WORKER DO?

HEY, I'VE DECIDED
TO MAKE A LIST

OF REASONS WHY
YOU SHOULDN'T QUIT.

UM, I'M ACTUALLY
ONLY THINKING OF TWO,

BUT STILL, I THINK THAT
QUALIFIES AS A "LIST"--

I GOT THE PART.

IN THE
APATOW MOVIE.

WHAT?

HOLY SHIT, REALLY?

I HAVE A WARDROBE
FITTING ON MONDAY.

THAT'S GREAT!

OH, OKAY.

WOW, THAT'S GREAT.

THANK YOU FOR
MAKING A LIST THOUGH!

SURE, NO PROBLEM.

HEY CAN I UH,
BUY YOU A DRINK?

YES,

YES YOU CAN--
YOU CAN BUY ME A DRINK.

SO HENRY,

YOU WERE LIKE A BIG DEAL
AT ONE POINT.
YEAH.

YOU GOTTA TELL ME
WHAT TO DO.

LIKE WHO DO I-- HOW DO I KNOW
WHICH OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE

TO LIKE, TOTALLY CRUSH?

OH IT'S JUST
TOTALLY RANDOM.

YOU JUST START ARBITRARILY
FUCKING PEOPLE OVER.

COOL, I CAN DO THAT.

(groaning)

IS SOMEBODY SLAUGHTERING
A WATER BUFFALO IN THERE?

WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE
THIS IS FOR MY BENEFIT.

(Lydia)
I FEEL DADDY DICK.

(Ron)
OH YOU LOVE DADDY DICK
DON'T YOU?

(Lydia)
I LOVE DADDY DICK.

WELL RON CERTAINLY SOUNDS
LIKE A WORLD CLASS LOVER.

YEAH, HE HAS REAL
STAYING POWER.

SIR!

I WOULD LIKE
YOU AND YOUR CREW

OFF THIS PROPERTY
IMMEDIATELY!

COME ALONG CHILDREN.

YOUR SUPERVISOR
WILL BE HEARING FROM ME.

HIPPITY HOP EVERYBODY,
HIPPITY HOP.

(Ron)
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

"THE TRUTH" BEING THE NAME
I GAVE MY PENIS.

HENRY?

YEAH.

IS IT TOO LATE
FOR ME TO APOLOGIZE

FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE
ABOUT YOU BEING THE BOSS?

'CAUSE I CAN KINDA
SEE NOW

HOW MUCH OF A
SUCK-ASS JOB IT IS.

RON?

IS THAT RON?

SHIT!

TAKE MY BIG FAT DICK.

TAKE MY BIG FAT DICK.

CAN YOU TAKE IT?
OH YEAH BABY!

YEAH COCK MASTER, YEAH!

GET IN, BALLS TOO,
THERE'S ROOM.

YEAH, NOW!

NOW THAT YOU HAVE
EVERYTHING IN THERE--

HEY GUYS.

DID IT REALLY SOUND
LIKE WE WERE HAVING SEX?

I'M SORRY HENRY,
I'M SORRY.

WAS IT SOMETHING WE SAID?

THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

RON, MANDY JUST
TOOK OFF IN YOUR CAR.

SHE WAS OUTSIDE THE TENT
FOR THAT LAST BIT.

MANDY!

MANDY!

WELL THERE'S A LESSON
IN THERE SOMEWHERE RIGHT?

(Leonard)
HEY, FUCK FACE.

I JUST FOUND THAT THAT BITCH
WHO WAS BIDDING AGAINST ME

IS SOME FLAT
BROKE DIVORCEE.

YOU FUCKED ME,
DIDN'T YOU?

YOU, YOU COST ME
20 GRAND.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A PROMISE,
YOU FUCKING HAS-BEEN NEVER-WAS.

YOU'LL NEVER WORK
IN THIS TOWN AGAIN.

I KNOW.

*

LYDIA, WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR ARM?

OH, HENRY.

IT'S SO SWEET
OF YOU TO NOTICE.

IT'S ESCAPADE.

WE WERE WORKING ON OUR
TRUST FALLS

AND I GUESS IT WAS
KINDA SILLY OF ME

TO EXPECT AT 14 YEAR OLD

TO BE ABLE TO CATCH
MY DEAD WEIGHT.

TRUST FALLS?

YOU LIVE AND LEARN.

HEY, SO DID YOU GET IT?

OH YEAH MAN,
RIGHT HERE.

UNCANNY X-MEN NUMERO QUATRO.

300, RIGHT?
YEAH.

OH, NICE.

OKAY SO UH--

20, 30--

TOLD YOU SO.

50--

I'M GONNA
MAKE A PILE HERE.

*

**

TREE!