Original subtitles

SO WHAT, WE'RE ALL AWKWARD NOW?

NO.

WHO'S AWKWARD?

I'M NOT THE ONE WHO WAS MOPING AROUND ALL DAY

AND CALLING PEOPLE WHORES

JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE TALKING TO RICK FOX--

ROMAN CALLED YOU A WHORE,

I NEVER CALLED YOU A WHORE--

YEAH, WELL THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.

ALL RIGHT, WELL YOU WERE FLIRTING QUITE A BIT.

YEAH, UH WHO CARES?

DO YOU CARE ABOUT THAT?

'CAUSE I THOUGHT WE AGREED THAT THIS WAS CASUAL

AND THIS WAS NO HANG-UPS SO--

IF YOU WANT TO TURN THIS INTO

THE SAME MISERABLE, JEALOUS BULLSHIT

THEN LIKE, LET ME KNOW.

OKAY. 'CAUSE I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THAT.

ME NEITHER MAN.

JESUS.

HEY.

ALL RIGHT, SO YOU'RE STILL MAD AT ME TOO I GUESS?

NO, I'M HAVING A WONDERFUL DAY.

I TOLD YOU THERE WAS A LINE.

ALL RIGHT, SO I'M SUPPOSED TO HOLD OFF ON CASEY

UNTIL YOU SLEEP WITH HER FIRST,

IS THAT HOW IT IS?

OH NOW YOU GET IT,

YES, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THAT MEANS.

HEY, I HEARD ALL THAT.

YOU CRAZY LUNATICS.

MAYBE STOP TALKING ABOUT ME.

OH, YOU KNOW--

GOOD WORK.

FUCKIN' ASS HOLE, IT'S YOU.

THAT'S ALL YOU,

YOU DON'T SHIT WHERE YOU EAT BUDDY.

YOU'RE JUST PISSED BECAUSE I "SHAT WHERE I ATE"

AND NOW YOU WANT TO EAT AT THAT SAME RESTAURANT

WHERE I WAS SHITTING.

NO!

WHO, CASEY?

COME ON GUYS, WHEN YOU'RE MAKING A MOVIE,

STARS HOOK UP ALL THE TIME.

AND EVERYBODY'S COOL WITH IT.

"SHIT WHERE YOU EAT", WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

WELL IT'S ALL ABOUT THE CIRCLE OF LIFE KYLE.

IT'S THAT WE'RE ALL A PART OF THIS UNIVERSAL CYCLE.

OKAY, SO LIKE, LIFE AND DEATH.

YEP.

REGENERATION.

OKAY, LIKE HINDUISM--

EXACTLY.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?

IT MEANS, YOU DON'T SHIT

IN THE SAME VICINITY THAT YOU'RE EATING IN

BECAUSE YOU MAY AT SOME POINT

EAT YOUR OWN SHIT.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

IS THIS PART STILL ABOUT ME,

BECAUSE IF IT IS, I SWEAR TO GOD

I'M GONNA FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

THANKS.

[indistinct conversations]

HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

YOU DON'T HAVE THE POSTER ABOVE YOUR BUNK BED?

NO, I DON'T LIKE THAT FUCKIN' MOVIE.

THAT'S WEIRD.

FUCK CLOSE ENCOUNTERS.

AND WHEN THEY DO ARRIVE ON EARTH,

THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE CUTE AND SNUGGLY.

THEY'RE GONNA BE A SUPER ADVANCED SOCIETY

AND WE'RE GONNA BE FUCKIN' ANTS TO THEM.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA SING AND WAVE AT FRANCOIS TRUFFAUT.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE A FUCKIN' MUSICAL.

THEY'RE GONNA TAKE HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE

AND FEED US INTO GIANT PROCESSERS

AND STRAIN US FOR OUR CHEMICALS.

UM, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

ZING!

NOT YOU.

HUMUS?

WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE NIMRODS?

OKAY, EVERYONE.

TO RICKY.

CONGRATULATIONS!

[cheers]

COME ON, LET'S GO!

GOOD JOB RICK, GOOD JOB!

[speaks Russian]

CONGRATULATIONS FOR WHAT?

PROBABLY JUST GOT A NEW VELOUR SWEAT SUIT.

YOU WORK HERE?

UH, JUST BARTENDING TONIGHT.

GOOD TO KNOW THE BARTENDER.

THESE THINGS ARE SO BORING.

I'M ULA.

HENRY.

RUM AND COKE, MY DRINK.

SO WHEN YOU SEE ME COMING--

I'LL BE READY.

YOU HAVE NICE EYES, HENRY.

SO.

YOU WANT TO TALK?

ABOUT WHAT?

YOU AND HENRY.

THE FIGHTING--

THERE'S REALLY NO ME AND HENRY, SO--

LET ME TELL YOU A STORY. OKAY.

I WAS ONCE INVOLVED IN A WORKPLACE ROMANCE,

IT KIND OF GOT OUT OF HAND.

IT WAS A SEX EXPLOSION,

IS REALLY THE ONLY WAY I CAN DESCRIBE IT.

WE DID IT CONSTANTLY.

IN THE VAN, IN BATHROOMS, IN THE BUSHES,

IT WAS NON-STOP SEX--

HELLO, IS THIS WORK?

THIS IS WORK-RELATED, RON.

WE FUCKED IN THE SINK,

WE FUCKED IN A DINGHY--

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH WORK?

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

HENRY AND CASEY ARE FIGHTING,

AND IT'S STARTING TO AFFECT HER WORK--

THAT IS A LIE.

NOW IS IT A PERFORMANCE ISSUE?

BECAUSE SOMETIMES REALLY NICE GUYS

CAN HAVE A HARD TIME SEEING GIRLS LIKE YOU AND ME

AS FUCK OBJECTS.

CASEY, I JUST WISH YOU WOULD'VE CONSULTED WITH ME

BEFORE YOU DID ANYTHING WITH HENRY.

YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY HAVE A LITTLE EXPERIENCE

WITH WORKPLACE ROMANCE MYSELF--

YOU DO, WITH WHO?

SURE I DO, WITH MYRNA.

MYRNA, THE GIRL WITH THE SUPERFLUOUS HAIR

RIGHT UP HERE?

AND THE INTERESTING PERSONALITY.

IT'S JUST NOT A GOOD IDEA.

I MEAN, IN A WORKPLACE THINGS GET TENSE.

RELATIONSHIPS GET STRAINED.

YOU ARGUE.

YOU GET HIT--

OKAY, AND I HAVE TO WALK AWAY.

I'LL TALK TO HER LATER--

YOU GET HIT?

RON YOU TOLD ME YOU STEPPED ON A RAKE.

I GOT HIT BY A RAKE.

OH RON.

HEY MAN.

WHAT'S UP GUYS.

YOU KNOW WHO THIS GUY LOOKS JUST LIKE?

YES--

YOU LOOK JUST LIKE THAT BASTARD

WHO TAKE DI'S VIRGINITY

AND LEAVE HER AT DANCE.

WAIT, YOU GUYS WATCH "IDOL ACADEMY?"

MY MAN!

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

YEAH!

52 INCH LCD FLAT SCREEN

WITH 5.1 DOLBY SURROUND,

HIGH DEF. WE SEE EVERYTHING.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO WATCH IT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GUY'S AT OUR PARTY!

HEY COME HAVE DRINK WITH US.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

HEY!

"NAPOLEON DYNAMITE."

IS HE NAPOLEON DYNAMITE?

FUCK NO.

NAH, HE'S JUST A WRITER.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.

GET US BRANDY HUH?

YEAH, HURRY UP TOO.

OKAY, THESE GUYS ARE OFFICIALLY ASSHOLES--

AND CREEPY.

THIS ONE GUY'S BEEN STARING AT ME ALL NIGHT--

YUCK.

IF THEY LIKE YOU, IT IS PROOF YOU SUCK.

PEOPLE ARE FUCKING IDIOTS.

THEM HATING ME IS LIKE A BADGE OF HONOR.

I LIKE YOU, ROMAN--

UM...THIS IS JUST FOR STAFF BACK HERE...

I NEED TO ASK YOU QUESTION.

ARE YOU THE ACTRESS CONSTANCE CARMELL?

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE I CAN'T FORGET.

YOUR FILM.

THE SCENE IS BURNED IN MY MEMORY--

WE WATCH THROUGH THE EYES OF INNOCENT BOYS,

WE ARE LOOKING THROUGH THE LEAVES OF SUMMER

AT A LAKE IN THE WOODS.

AND AS THEY WATCH,

A VISION RISES FROM THE WATER.

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, NAKED,

HER BODY GLISTENING IN THE SUN,

UNASHAMED--

YOU SAW "DINGLEBERRIES?"

A HUNDRED TIMES.

RUM AND COKE.

YOU ARE A GOOD BARTENDER.

THANKS.

I'M BORED AGAIN.

MEET ME FOR A CIGARETTE?

UM...

YEAH OKAY.

OH GREAT ANOTHER ONE FOR YOU.

GIMME A WATER.

THAT'S GREAT, MAKING CASEY JEALOUS OR SOME SHIT?

WHATEVER.

LOOK MAN, YOU'RE STILL ON MY SHIT LIST

BUT IF YOU AND CASEY ARE KAPUT NICK,

MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME CATCH HER ON THE REBOUND?

GIVE ME SOME TIPS.

KINKY THINGS SHE'S INTO,

MAYBE SHE LIKES FEET OR--

FEET, YEAH FEET, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

GO FOR THE FEET.

WILL YOU WATCH THE BAR JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES?

WHAT IF I SAY NO NOW?

BRANDY. GEEZ.

WHAT THE F--

HEY, YOU'RE A WRITER YEAH?

YEAH, MOSTLY HARD SCI FI--

YOU READ MY SCRIPT YEAH?

YOU GIVE ME NOTES.

LOOK MAN, I DON'T JUST GIVE RANDOM ASS PEOPLE--

YOU PULLING OUT A GUN?

DON'T FUCK WITH ME.

HUH?

YEAH. DO IT.

I'LL READ IT.

UGH, BUT EVERY WEEK,

THE SAME BORING PEOPLE--

YEAH?

EVERY WEEK.

WELL, THEY SEEM INTERESTING, I DUNNO.

SO, I SMELL NICE?

UM...YEAH, VERY NICE.

BREATH OKAY?

VERY MINTY--

OH, THAT'S JUST MUKI.

MUKI, GO AWAY.

GO AWAY.

UH--

I WAS SMUGGLER, YOU KNOW,

IN THE OLD COUNTRY.

SOMETIMES WE SPEND MONTHS

IN A SHED IN THE WOODS.

LIKE A SHED AND A HOLE,

YOU DON'T HAVE WORD FOR THIS IN ENGLISH.

TO GET THROUGH THE LONG NIGHTS

WE HAVE ONLY THE TAPES AND BLAHPUI--

BLAHPUI, WHAT'S BLAHPUI?

A DRINK YOU MAKE IN A BUCKET

WITH LEAVES AND YOGURT AND ANTIFREEZE--

MMM, SOUNDS SO EXOTIC--

IT'S HORRIBLE.

BUT THE TAPES, WE WATCH OVER AND OVER.

"DINGLEBERRIES."

YES. YES.

"WILD NUTS."

YES.

AND "SCREAMWEAVER"--

NO. YES.

CONSTANCE, WHERE ARE THE PLATES?

THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE PLATES AT THE BUFFET!

SO DO PLATES, WE'RE TALKING.

"SCREAMWEAVER."

NO PERSONAL BUSINESS ON WHAT--?

INSECT, LEAVE US!

I WILL CUT OFF YOUR FACE.

I'LL GET THE PLATES, I'LL GET THE--

SO WHERE WERE WE?

TALKING ABOUT "SCREAMWEAVER."

AWESOME.

CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS IN LIKE FIVE.

UGH, RICKY'S FRIENDS ARE JERKS--

WHAT, THOSE GUYS ARE AWESOME--

KYLE, ARE YOU DRUNK?

OH UH, SOME FANS GOT A ROUND OF SHOTS.

ARE WE MOVIE STARS?

NO, WE'RE PARTY PROFESSIONALS.

HOW COME ROMAN AND I ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE

WHO ARE DOING ANY WORK?

BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I THINK THEY'RE JUST LOVELY--

I'LL INTRODUCE YOU TO RICKY.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE HIM.

HE'S AWESOME.

YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME HE IS?

HE'S AN AWESOME FUCKING MURDERER.

WHAT?

HE GAVE ME A SCRIPT.

HIS NAME WAS ON IT.

RICOS SARGULESH, I GOOGLED HIM.

APPARENTLY HE JUST GOT ACQUITTED

FOR MURDERING SOMEONE.

THEY COULDN'T CONVICT HIM

BECAUSE ALL THEY FOUND WAS A FUCKING FOOT MAN.

THAT'S WHY "CONGRATULATIONS" RICKY.

CONGRATULATIONS FOR GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER.

I'M SORRY, DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT HE WAS ACQUITTED?

DOESN'T MATTER.

WELL THEN THAT MEANS HE'S INNOCENT, KIND OF.

IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION--

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?

DOES THIS NAME SOUND FAMILIAR?

JOHANNES HEESTERS,

NO.

HITLER'S FAVORITE ACTOR.

WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT SHIT?

I RETAIN INFORMATION.

YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM MAN, THAT'S WEIRD.

ZOLTAN SAID THAT THE WATER DROPS

GLISTENING IN THE SUNLIGHT

OFF MY BREASTS MADE HIM CRY.

MURDERERS DON'T HAVE POETRY LIKE THAT

IN THEIR SOULS.

YOU HAVE A SECOND?

WE WANT TO TALK.

UH, WE?

BECAUSE-- SO--

YOU ARE THE BARTENDER HERE YEAH?

UH, NO.

I MEAN, YES, TONIGHT.

JUST NOT REGULARLY, ALL THE TIME.

LIKE EVERY NIGHT--

WE'RE KINDA--

IS GOOD WAY TO PICK UP CHICKS, YEAH?

UM...

LIKE THAT ONE.

YOU LIKE-- YOU LIKE THAT ONE?

OH, NO. NOT REALLY, NO--

SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.

OH YEAH? YEAH. THAT'S COOL.

MUKI TELLS ME THAT YOU--

YOU PUT THE MOVES ON HER.

MY GIRLFRIEND.

NO, NO I WOULDN'T DO THAT--

WHY, BECAUSE SHE'S UNATTRACTIVE, MY GIRLFRIEND?

NO, NO, NO I--

OH YEAH,

NO SHE IS ATTRACTIVE.

SHE'S NOT MY TYPE.

YOU KNOW, I'M UH--

I'M KINDA INTO BLONDES.

I LIKE BLONDES, YA KNOW I'M--

AND ALSO I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. OW, BOOB DICK.

I HAVE A GIRL-- WE'RE ACTUALLY UH,

WE'RE ENGAGED.

WE'RE ENGAGED?

WE'RE-- WE'RE ENGAGED,

UM, TO BE MARRIED.

AND I MEAN, WE'RE STILL WORK--

IT'S NOT OFFICIAL,

LIKE I'M STILL LOOKING FOR A RING AND ALL THAT.

ALL THAT STUFF,

BUT WE'RE VERY MUCH UM, IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER,

I LOVE YOU.

SHE'S YOUR FIANCEE?

YEAH, YES.

SO I WOULD NEVER, YOU KNOW--

SHE'S NOT BLONDE.

SHE'S NOT, BUT SHE HAS A TERRIFIC PERSONALITY--

COOL, SEE YA.

SO I FEEL LIKE WE'RE A GOOD MATCH.

FOR NOW.

SO YOU GUYS ARE PRETTY SERIOUS HUH?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, NO IT'S-- IT'S GREAT.

WE UM, I MEAN, WE-- YOU KNOW,

WE HAVE OUR UPS AND DOWNS AND EVERYTHING, BUT--

OKAY!

I GOT IT!

IT'S BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY.

THE BEER AD.

"ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?"

HE LOOKS LIKE THAT GUY--

I AM THAT GUY! WHAT?

GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

I AM THAT GUY, THAT'S ME.

GO AHEAD DO IT, DO IT, DO IT.

YOU WANT ME TO DO IT?

"ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?"

SHIT, THAT WAS YOU! ROZZI!

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

DO IT AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN!

YOU WANNA SEE IT? YOU WANNA SEE IT?

"ARE WE HAVING FUN YET!"

I KNOW IT'S JUST-- I'M A REGULAR GUY.

IT'S THAT GUY AND HIS FIANCEE.

YEAH, HENRY.

HENRY POLLARD.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

CASEY KLEIN--

BUT SOON TO BE POLLARD.

YEAH!

OH SHE'S UM--

"STANDUP SHOWDOWN." HUH?

YOU DID NOT SEE "STANDUP SHOW--

THAT WAS ON LIKE, A YEAR--

NOBODY SAW THAT.

I SAID ON TV.

EH SO, SO FUNNY!

CELEBRITY COUPLE.

YOU HAVE BRAD, ANGELINA

WORKING YOUR PARTY.

EH, COGNAC AND BRING GLASSES EH?

HEY, YOU READ SCRIPT?

YEAH.

NO, I DIDN'T READ IT YET SIR.

BRING BOTTLE, THEN READ SCRIPT.

HEY!

DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!

SO I'M STANDING THERE

IN HALF A STRING BIKINI--

HERE YOU GO SWEET PEA.

COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD

AND I'VE GOT THIS HARPOON THING THROUGH MY NECK,

AND DOM WALKS IN.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THAT.

DOM DELUISE!

YOU. MORE BRANDY EH?

SO DOM WALKS ON THE SET,

HE LOOKS AT ME,

HE TURNS AROUND TO THE MAKE-UP LADY

AND HE SAYS "I'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING!"

AND THEN I SAID, "WELL THEN MAKE MINE A DOUBLE!"

CONSTANCE.

GOD, THE COKE WAS SO GOOD BACK THEN.

DOM DELUISE HIMSELF, IT'S INCREDIBLE!

AND SHRIMP PLEASE!

GO, GO, GO, GO NOW.

MOVE.

TELL US MORE.

WELL IT WAS MY FIRST DAY OF SHOOTING,

AND I'M GOING TO THE COMMISSARY,

AND I LOCK EYES WITH JAN MICHAEL VINCENT,

"AIRWOLF." YEAH.

OKAY. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

SORRY, THIS GIRL WAS FLIRTING WITH ME,

AND IT TURNS OUT IT'S RICKY'S GIRLFRIEND,

AND RICKY MIGHT BE A MURDERER,

WHICH GIRL?

OKAY SO I'M JUST TRYING TO STAY ALIVE.

WHICH GIRL?

WHICH-- JUST SOME GIRL AT THE PARTY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN FLIRTING WITH YOU?

FLIRTING. LIKE TOUCHING YOU FLIRTING?

WELL FLIRT-- JUST FLIRTING. OR LIKE TALKING?

WAIT, WHAT DO YOU CARE? I DON'T CARE.

WHY DO YOU CARE? I DEFINITELY DON'T.

HEY!

COME ON, YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS SHIT ELSEWHERE?

I'M TRYING TO WORK, HERE.

SHUT UP ROMAN. SHUT UP ROMAN.

FUCK OFF.

SO IF JUST FOR TONIGHT

YOU COULD PRETEND THAT WE'RE IN A REGULAR RELATIONSHIP

WITHOUT LIKE CRAZINESS--

OKAY YEAH, MAYBE IF YOU COULD REFRAIN

FROM FLIRTING WITH EVERY GROSS GIRL

THAT'S AT EVERY PARTY-- IF I COULD-- MAYBE--

MAYBE YOU COULD REFRAIN FROM FLIRTING.

YEAH, NICE COMEBACK. EVERYTHING WAS FINE--

REALLY.

GUYS, GUYS YOU HAVE TO HELP ME, I'M DYING HERE

AND THESE GUYS WON'T LET ANYBODY HE--

HEY!

ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?

YEAH! I AM!

MY FAVORITE COUPLE!

YEAH!

BRING US BOTTLE.

LET'S GO, COME ON.

OKAY. DANCING!

UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M ALL BY MYSELF OUT THERE.

RICKY MADE ME READ HIS SCRIPT.

UGH, THESE GUYS ARE ASSHOLES.

HOW'S THE SCRIPT?

IT'S TERRIBLE!

LISTEN TO THIS.

"KROJAR"...YEAH, THE FUCKING HERO'S NAME IS KROJAR.

KROJAR?

"YOU BETRAY ME.

YOU ARE LOWER THAN ANIMAL..."

OH, AND THERE'S NO ARTICLES,

THIS THING'S TERRIBLY WRITTEN.

HERE WE GO--

"GUBBY ON GROUND CRIES LIKE WOMAN.

KROJAR PUTS GUN DOWN.

KROJAR: I WILL KILL YOU LIKE MAN.

WITH HANDS.

GUBBY CRIES, AND KROJAR TAKES KNIFE

AND FIRST CUTS OFF HEAD,

AND THEN ALL PARTS

AND PUTS THEM IN BAGS

AND GOES TO THE SEA--"

THAT SHOULD BE A NEW FUCKING SCENE--

"--AND PUTS GUBBY IN THE WATER DEEP

WHERE NO ONE WILL FIND."

YOU SEE?

WOW YOU'RE NOT KIDDING, THAT IS--

THAT IS TERRIBLE.

NO, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THIS IS BASICALLY A BADLY WRITTEN

AND POORLY PLOTTED CONFESSION--

OH MY GOD...

YEAH, AND THAT'S NOT ALL.

IN THE END, HE FINDS THE GUY WHO SQUEALS ON HIM,

AND KILLS HIM, TOO.

A FAT GUY WITH GLASSES--

HERE WE GO.

"MULEK IS FAT MAN WITH WOMANISH GLASSES

BECAUSE EYES LIKE HEART IS WEAK."

FAT GUY WITH GLASSES?

FAT GUY WITH GLASSES.

[cheering, chanting, and music]

YOU KNOW ACTING IS LIKE CRIME.

BUT INSTEAD OF USING GUNS OR CLUBS,

I ASSAULT YOU WITH EMOTIONS--

OR EVEN KNIVES.

KNIVES, THAT'S RIGHT.

HEY.

OH HEY IS THAT, IS THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND OVER THERE?

UH YEAH.

WHAT A EURO TRASH

PIECE OF WORK.

WOW YOU KNOW, THIS IS STARTING TO FEEL

A LITTLE BIT LIKE JEALOUSY. JEALOUSY.

AND YA KNOW, 'CAUSE I THOUGHT--

I'M OBSERVANT.

WELL I THOUGHT WE WERE--

HEY, DO IT AGAIN MAN, DO IT AGAIN!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

UH, ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?

OH.

WHAT'S HE DOING?

UM...

THESE ARE MY SPOONS.

CAN I HAVE SOME OF THIS?

RELAX.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

STOP THE MUSIC.

STOP THE MUSIC!

STOP THE MUSIC!

STOP THE MUSIC!

STOP MUSIC!

ULA.

COME HERE.

WHEN YOU ESCAPE, AS I DID,

FROM JAW OF HELL,

YOU UNDERSTAND WHICH THINGS REALLY MATTER.

HONOR.

FRIENDS.

WOMAN.

AND CELEBRITIES.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES!

[cheering]

YOU MAKE US LAUGH.

YOU MAKE US CRY.

YOU TEACH US

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN.

HENRY AND CASEY.

OUR LIVES ARE COMPLICATED, YES.

BUT THERE ARE THINGS WE KNOW

THAT ARE GREATER THAN COMPLICATIONS.

LOVING COMPANIONSHIP

MEET SPECIAL SOMEONE

WHO KEEP LIFE FROM BECOMING

VAST, DARK,

PIT OF DESPAIR.

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

AND SO I TAKE FROM YOUR EXAMPLE,

I TURN TO ULA AND SAY,

"ULA, WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?"

ULA, WILL YOU BE MY WIFE?

OKAY.

OKAY!

[music starts]

[chanting and cheering]

I'VE GOT A JOAN VAN ARK STORY

FOR YOU THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.

BUT FIRST I HAVE TO TAKE A LEAK.

NO, NOT NOW.

I AM YOUR SLAVE.

GOOD, WE NEED CHEESES, AND BRANDY--

ACTUALLY, SIR... I NEED TO TALK TO YOU--

ABOUT SOMETHING.

IT'S FAIRLY IM--

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT?

CONSTANCE LEFT SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL FOR YOU

IN THE KITCHEN.

SHE WANTS TO BE DISCRETE.

IS IT UNDERWEAR?

IT'S...IN THE KITCHEN.

SO, WHERE IS IT?

IS IT UNDERWEAR?

NO IT--

WE HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT DO HAVE TO TELL ME?

UM...IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION,

I MEAN... THAT YOU MIGHT BE--

HE'S GONNA KILL YOU. YES.

WHAT?

RICKY'S GONNA SAW YOUR HEAD OFF!

CLEAN OFF.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? LOOK!

IT'S ALL IN HERE, IT'S ALL IN HERE.

OKAY, RICKY THINKS THAT YOU RATTED HIM OUT

ABOUT GUBBY.

WHO?

THE GUY THAT RICKY KILLED--

I DON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE.

HE IS ACQUITTED.

IT MEANS INNOCENT--

IT'S ALL IN HERE!

WE KNOW THAT. IT'S ALL IN HERE.

I CAN'T FIND IT. IT'S RIGHT HERE.

THERE IT IS, OKAY LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

IT'S THE BOTTOM.

"FAT MAN WITH THE WOMANISH GLASSES?"

BOOYA!

NO OFFENSE--

THAT'S YOU-- I MEAN NOT THAT--

SORRY.

NO I DON'T THINK THEY'RE WOMANISH,

HE WROTE THAT.

RICKY WROTE IT.

OH...I DON'T FEEL REALLY GOOD.

RICKY, RICKY! HE'S GOT A KNIFE,

HE'S GOT A KNIFE!

RICKY! HE READ THE SCRIPT RICKY!

ZOLTAN.

THEY THINK YOU'RE GOING TO KILL ME!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IN YOUR SCRIPT.

IT SAYS THEY KILL FAT GUY WITH GLASSES,

AND THEY THOUGHT--

THEY THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU?

YES.

I KILL YOU! I KILL YOU!

I KILL YOU!

I KILL YOU BACK, I KILL YOU BACK!

I KILL YOU BACK!

HE MY OLDEST FRIEND.

I'M NOT GOING TO KILL HIM.

THAT'S GOOD.

IT'S A SCRIPT.

IS MAKE BELIEVE.

OH, FICTION.

HEY FLAT TOP, COGNAC.

YES.

HEY!

SO, YOU READ IT HUH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I LO-- I REALLY, REALLY LIKED IT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GREAT.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PART?

YOU KNOW, THERE'S SO MANY GOOD--

PARTS...WHEN MULEK UH--

GRABS HIS MOTHER BY THE THROAT

AND THROWS HER OUT THE WINDOW

OF THE HOUSE AND IT--

WHAT ELSE?

UM...

WHEN-- WHEN MULEK MAKES HIS GRANDMOTHER

PICK UP THE FOOD THAT HE DROPPED.

YES YES, HOW WAS THE SYNTAX?

SO UH, SO MAYBE WE CAN JUST CALL IT EVEN.

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE, LIKE I FLIRTED,

AND THEN-- AND YOU FLIRTED.

NO. SO...

DEFINITELY NOT. WHY NOT?

BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY MADE OUT WITH THAT GIRL.

WHAT? MUKI TOLD ME EVERYTHING.

BUSTED.

WOW, SO I GUESS YOU'RE UP ONE.

YEAH.

SORRY.

EXCEPT NOT REALLY 'CAUSE I MADE OUT WITH RICK FOX.

YOU DID? A LITTLE BIT.

DID YOU?

OW.

ADD ME ON MYSPACE, YOU KNOW?

I'M PROBABLY GONNA START USING IT

AS A FAN SITE SO--

OKAY!

WHAT A GLORIOUS NIGHT ZOLTAN!

[laughter]

IT BEATS FOR YOU HUH?

OH, SO WONDERFUL MEETING YOU.

I'M GOING TO WATCH "DINGLEBERRY."

TONIGHT! OH, DO DO!

YES, YES, YES!

HEY, OKAY OKAY NOW TELL ME, TELL ME.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD, HUH?

I LIKE THE PART WHEN YOU--

WHEN HE, THE CHARACTER, CUTS OFF GUBBY'S NUTS

AND SHOWS THEM TO HIM AND SAYS,

"YOU NUTS!"

BUT I THINK YOU MEANT "YOU ARE NUTS."

MINOR GRAMMATICAL ERROR.

RICKY, LET'S GO MAN!

COME ON!

OKAY.

COME ON.

I THINK THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART TOO.

YOU LIKE ALL BEST PART.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR NOTES, EH?

I SEND YOU NEXT DRAFT.

OH. NO.

NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO.

NO. NO! NO!

WRONG FAT GUY WITH GLASSES!

TREE.