Original subtitles

"HAPPY SWEET 16, TAYLOR," IN THAT EDIBLE GOLD SHIT.

HE FUCKS IT UP,I'M COMING DOWN TO HIS GAY FUCKING BAKERY

AND TAKE A GIANT SHIT DOWN HIS HOLE!

HIS MOUTH HOLE!

JESUS FUCKIN' CHRIST. YOU GOT KIDS?

HAVEN'T MET THAT SPECIAL LADY, YET.

YEAH WELL DON'T.

NOTHING BUT BITCHING.

HUNDRED BOTTLES OF CUSTOM NONALCOHOLIC CRISTAL,

A FOUR THOUSAND DOLLAR HOOKER DRESS,

AND 40 GRAND FOR THIS ASSHOLE RAPPER "DROGRIZZLE"

TO MUMBLE HIS BULLSHIT FOR AN HOUR.

YOU KNOW THIS RAP SHIT?

MORE OF A "STING" MAN, MYSELF

ALL TO TRY AND GET ONE FUCKING SMILE OUTTA THAT KID.

AH WELL NOT TO WORRY, AT PARTY DOWN

WE HAVE EXTRA SMILES TO PASS AROUND.

I HOPE THE JACKETS FIT.

WE HAD VALHALLA CATERING,

BUT THOSE COCKSUCKERS DOUBLE-BOOKED US.

WHAT?

TELL THAT MOTHERFUCKER I'M GONNA RIP HIS DICK OFF

AND USE IT TO FUCK HIS FUCKING DOG IN THE ASS!

TO DEATH!

GOD IT IS SO WEIRD,

I LOOK LIKE A PLAYAH IN THIS OUTFIT.

YOU LOOK LIKE A VAUDEVILLE CLOWN.

THAT'S THE IDEA.

OH SHIT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

MY AGENT MADE ME GET MY TEETH BLEACHED,

BUT HE DIDN'T SAY IT'D HURT THIS MUCH.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THE BIGGEST FUCKING PUSSY

ON THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.

FUCK YOU, IT KILLS.

OH, WAIT, WAIT I THINK, THEY MISSED ONE.

ARE YOU SERIOUS, WHERE?

RIGHT THERE.

OW, DUDE, SHIT.

OH YES, YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKIN' PUSSY!

OW!

KYLE, GET UP.

GET UP PLEASE.

OUR CLIENT, LEONARD STILTSKIN, PRODUCER,

HE'S THROWING A SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY

FOR HIS LOVELY DAUGHTER TAYLOR.

OKAY AND THERE'S A THEME.

"DA CLUB BOAT."

NOW FYI WE TOOK OVER FOR VALHALLA CATERING.

THEY DOUBLE-BOOKED, THEIR LOSS, OUR GAIN.

BECAUSE I WANNA SHOW MR. STILTSKIN,

WHAT TRUE PROFESSIONALISM LOOKS LIKE.

LIKE FUCKING ASS-CLOWN.

I FEEL LIKE LOU FERRIGNO IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

YEAH WE LOOK LIKE WE'RE IN THE GAY SECRET SERVICE OR SOMETHING.

DO WE SERIOUSLY HAVE TO WEAR THIS SHIT?

YES.

BECAUSE TODAY, WE'RE NOT JUST SERVING FOOD AND BEVERAGES.

WE ARE ALSO DREAM WEAVERS.

WEAVING A DREAM FOR TAYLOR, OKAY?

THERE ARE TWO HUNDRED OF THE COOLEST PEOPLE

ON A LUXURY BOAT, A REAL RAPPER, AND US.

IN COSTUME, PLAYING THE PART,

BECAUSE TODAY THIS BOAT ISN'T JUST A BOAT,

IT'S A FAIRY-TALE FANTASYLAND,

WHERE EVERY BOY IS A "PLAYAH"

AND EVERY GIRL A "BITCH!"

*

[ music playing ]

CAN YOU IMAGINE INVITING 200 PEOPLE TO YOUR PARTY

AND TEN LOSERS SHOW UP?

THIS POOR GIRL, I MEAN IT'S HER SWEET SIXTEEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU CAN'T JUST STAND THERE DO SOMETHING.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO? THIS PARTY'S A BUST.

IT'S UNPROFESSIONAL TO JUST STAND AROUND.

OKAY SO WIPE SOME COUNTERS, CLEAN SOME GLASSES. KEEP BUSY.

WE ALREADY FINISHED DOING ALL THAT STUFF.

WELL DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

I TAKE A SHIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR

AND KYLE COULD CLEAN IT UP?

BE PROFESSIONAL! GO.

DUDE, IT STINGS.

HEY WHERE IS YOUR FUCKIN' KID?

WELL, FIND OUT AND GET 'EM HERE!

SIRLOIN SLIDER?

NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS. WHERE IS SHE NOW?

SHE'S LOCKED IN HER FUCKING STATEROOM

AND WON'T COME OUT.

I'M TELLIN' YOU, THE SHIT I GO THROUGH

TO MAKE THAT KID HAPPY.

WHAT DO I GET? A SMILE?

OR MAYBE A "THANK YOU DADDY?"

BUPCUSS, JUST SIX FIGURES DOWN THE FUCKIN' TOILET.

I'LL GO TALK TO HER. SIRLOIN SLIDERS?

WOULD YOU FUCK-OFF WITH THE GODDAMN SLIDERS, PLEASE.

LEANN, IF SHE WON'T TALK TO HER REAL MOTHER.

SHE SHE IS NOT GONNA TALK TO YOU.

SHE'S NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU, EITHER.

THESE ARE GIRL ISSUES.

SHE'S RIGHT.

YOU'RE A GIRL, RIGHT?

GO GET MY DAUGHTER OUT OF THE FUCKIN' STATEROOM, WILL YA?

I'M ON IT.

WHOA.

AM I EARLY?

NOPE.

OH, SHIT.

JACK AND GINGER, THEN.

HENRY POLLARD?

MICHAEL? YEAH.

SHIT, MAN, IT'S BEEN YEARS

YEAH, YEAH. HOW YOU DOING?

I'M, I'M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M IN LEONARD'S NEW MOVIE.

YOU KNOW BIG BREAKOUT OF THE INDIE WORLD,

SO I HAD TO COME BY, YOU KNOW,

MAKE AN APPEARANCE, KISS THE RING.

SURE, SURE, THAT IS SO GREAT.

YEAH, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I'M AH,

I'M WORKING. YOU KNOW AND MAKING MONEY.

ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, IT'S GREAT, IT'S GREAT.

OKAY.

HI HONEY, HI, TAYLOR?

I'M CONSTANCE, FROM PARTY DOWN CATERING. [ crying ]

I'M HERE TO SEE IF YOU WANTED SOMETHING.

I WANNA DIE.

"DA CLUB BOAT." GOOD TIMES, HUH?

YOU HAVING FUN? MM-HMM.

GREAT, ENJOY, IT'S FREE. YUM.

WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

NO ONE'S COVERING THE BUFFET.

THIS KID'S EATEN PRACTICALLY HALF OF IT.

OKAY WHERE'S YOUR SUNGLASSES?

I FUCKING WALKED INTO A WALL ON THE WAY TO THE BATHROOM.

I'M NOT WEARING THOSE THINGS.

I CAN'T SEE SHIT.

OH AND SOME GUY SAID THAT "GRUZZLE" NEEDS SOMETHING?

OH DEGENERATE RAPPERS.

THEY PROBABLY WANT HO'S, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

WATCH THE BUFFET, BE PROFESSIONAL.

PROFESSIONAL.

MY MIDDLE NAME.

COME ON, COME ON.

[ coughing ]

THEY SAID YOU NEEDED SOMETHING?

I'M ON THE PHONE, GIVE ME A SECOND.

HOWARD, WAIT.

HOLD ON FOR A SECOND HOWARD.

HEY CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

CAN YOU CHECK AND SEE WHAT TIME WE GO ON STAGE?

OF COURSE.

'CAUSE WE'RE DUE IN NEWPORT FOR ANOTHER KID'S BASH.

IT'S IN OUR CONTRACT. I'LL GO FIND OUT.

YOU GOT THE NUMBER, OF COURSE I WANNA SEE UM.

HOLD ON, HOLD ON, LAST TIME HOWARD.

AH ONE MORE THING, MAN?

I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT SOMETHING.

IT'S A BUNCH OF CANDY ON THE TABLE, MAN.

LIKE WE NOT KIDS, CAN WE GET SOME FOOD, REAL FOOD? PLEASE?

RIGHT, YES VERY GOOD, I WILL GET ON THAT.

THANK YOU MAN.

[ coughing ]

HEY MATTER OF FACT, WHAT THE FUCK YOU GOT UP IN THERE?

I'M SORRY?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO EAT, MAN?

WELL WE HAVE UM, CURLY FRIES, WE HAVE CHICKEN FINGERS,

WE HAVE SIRLOIN SLIDERS.

[ coughing ]

THAT IS VERY STRONG SMOKE.

AWE YEAH THAT'S THE GOOD, MAN YOU WANT SOME OF THIS SHIT, MAN?

WE GOT TONS OF IT. NO, NO, I'M GOOD.

TAKE A HIT. OH, NO, THANK YOU THOSE DAYS ARE BEHIND ME.

STRICTLY BUSINESS NOW.

ALL RIGHT SUIT YOURSELF.

SO AH ASPARAGUS SPEARS--

AND...CURLY FRIES,

CHICKEN FINGERS AND AH--

SAID THAT ALREADY.

HOWARD, THIS IS WHERE YOU'RE MESSIN' UP AT

YOU GOTTA SPELL IT OUT TO 'EM.

IF THIS IS A FRANCHISE YOU GOTTA LET HIM KNOW

THE THINGS THAT HE SHOULD KNOW.

LOOK, HOLD ON HOWARD, SO YOU SAID YOU GOT CHICKEN WHAT?

FINGERS. CHICKEN FINGERS, SHIT.

DID YOU SAY "FRANCHISE?"

YEAH, BUSINESS TERM.

YES, I KNOW, BECAUSE ACTUALLY HAVE MY OWN--

HEY MAN, WE REALLY THANK YOU FOR THE FOOD, MAN.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

ONE MORE THING, MAN,

CAN YOU PLEASE FIND OUT WHAT TIME WE'RE GOING ON?

I'M SITTING' HERE RIGHT NOW, I'M NOT DOING NOTHING.

IT'S NOT PROFESSIONAL.

YOU'RE PREACHIN' TO THE CHOIR ON THAT ONE.

PROFESSIONALISM.

CAN I GET A WITNESS?

IS HE STILL HERE?

I HEAR THAT.

YOU'RE EDGAR ALLEN POE?

YEAH, A GRAPHIC NOVEL,

IT'S THE WRITER, BUT HE'S KILLING VAMPIRES.

IT'S LEONARD'S NEXT MOVIE.

WOW, YOU'RE EDGAR ALLEN POE?

FUCKIN' UP VAMPIRES IN OLD BALTIMORE.

WOW.

THAT'S-- THAT'S GREAT MAN, THAT'S GREAT.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, LAST TIME I SAW YOU YOU WERE DOING GOOD,

YOU WERE DOING THOSE COMMERCIALS

WITH THE "ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?"

YEAH, NO, THAT ACTUALLY KINDA KILLED MY CAREER.

SHIT. YEAH.

THAT FREAKS ME OUT.

I MEAN THIS GUY ALL THE TALENT IN THE WORLD TENDING BAR?

I SHOULD TALK TO LEONARD.

NO, MICHAEL, NO.

REALLY, I ACTUALLY READ FOR HIM ONCE AND THINK THAT WAS ENOUGH.

AND I'M DONE THE TOWEL HAS BEEN THROWN.

LEONARD AND I ARE TIGHT.

HE LISTENS TO ME.

YOU WOULD BE PERFECT FOR YOUNG LINCOLN.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN?

YEAH, WHEN HE WAS A CONGRESSMAN, HE MEETS POE

HELPS HIM STEAL HIS AMULET FROM THE SMITHSONIAN.

NOW IT SOUNDS DUMB, BUT IT'S A GREAT ROLE.

ALL YOU NEED IS ONE GREAT ROLE AND BOOM

YOU'RE BACK! YEAH?

OKAY?

YEAH IT DOES SOME KIND OF GREAT.

SHIT YEAH, I'M TELLING YOU, ME PLAYING EDGAR ALLEN POE

YOU TENDING BAR, IT'S LIKE OH! YEAH.

THE UNIVERSE IS CRAZY AM I RIGHT?

YEAH!

OKAY WHAT, YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE NOW,

YOU DON'T INTRODUCE ME.

YEAH CASEY THIS IS MICHAEL, MICHAEL, CASEY.

MICHAEL'S PLAYING EDGAR ALLEN POE.

IN LIKE THE COMIC VERSION WITH THE VAMPIRES?

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY WERE MAKING THAT MOVIE

THAT'S AMAZING.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS ONE?

ACTING SCHOOL, HE WAS THE NEXT PACINO.

I SHIT YOU NOT.

WOW, YOU NEVER SAY THAT YOU HAD ANY TALENT.

AH HE'S EXAGGERATING.

NO I'M NOT, HE WAS GREAT.

AND I'M GONNA GET HIM BACK ON HIS FEET, RIGHT?

HENRY COME ON, YOU, ME, HERE, WHAT?

IT'S FATE.

IT IS KIND OF FATE.

IT'S FATE. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

CASEY. YES.

WHAT'D I SAY ABOUT PROFESSIONALISM?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

I SAID...UH...

CIRCULATE...AND...

WELL LET'S GET CONSTANCE TO DO IT.

NO I CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE SHE'S IN THE STATEROOM

OFFERING SUPPORT TO THE BIRTHDAY GIRL.

SHE IS, CONSTANCE IS? YES SHE IS.

OH, SHIT...OKAY, I'M GONNA--

NICE TO MEET YOU. AND YOU.

THERE HE IS.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING SOMETHING.

RON, YOU REEK OF POT. WHAT?

YOU SMELL LIKE-- I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T SMOKE--

I DON'T SMOKE POT.

WELL YOU SMELL LIKE POT.

AHH, THOSE RAPPERS.

I THINK I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA

OF WHAT "DRO GRIZZLE" STAND FOR.

IT'S SLANG FOR "STRONG HYDROPONIC MARIJUANA."

KINDA WHAT I WAS GONNA GUESS.

OH I GOTTA TO BRING THEM FOOD.

HEY RON, RON LOOK,

ARE YOU HIGH? WHAT?

I CAN TAKE CARE OF IT, IF YOU DON'T WANNA BE AROUND ALL THAT.

NO, I HAVE STUFF THAT I HAVE TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT.

YOU JUST LOOK BUSY.

UH, OKAY.

HE'S SO FUCKIN' HIGH. YEAH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I WAS MEDIUM POPULAR IN MIDDLE SCHOOL,

BUT BY THE TIME I GOT TO BE A JUNIOR, I WAS FULLY POPULAR.

PEOPLE JUST DON'T APPRECIATE THE RESPONSIBILITY YOU HAVE,

SETTING AN EXAMPLE, HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING?

HEY CASEY, WE HAVE A SIT'CHIATION HERE, MY SISTER.

SO, TAYLOR IS DATING CHAD.

WHO'S MAYBE NUMBER FIVE IN THE CLASS HOTTIE'S LIST.

BUT CHAD HAS BEEN A BIT OF A DOUCHE BAG LATELY

SO TRISTAN, PROBABLY THE TOP GUY AT SCHOOL,

HE FLIRTS WITH HER AT A PARTY AND THEY FOOL AROUND,

TRISTAN'S GIRLFRIEND FINDS OUT, TELLS CHAD--

(IN MISERY) AND NOW THEY BOYCOTTED MY PARTY.

AND THERE'S NO ONE HERE BUT THE LOSERS.

OH OH.

VODKA REDBULL.

HEY, CLUB DRINK OF CHOICE.

DON'T SAY THAT.

I USED TO GO CLUBBING ALL THE TIME,

BEFORE I MARRIED THAT THING.

I LOVE CLUBBING, YOU KNOW I LOVE IT.

HOW DO YOU DEAL?

BOOZE, FACEBOOK, SHOPPING.

RANDOM FLINGS WITH HOT GUYS.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE YOUNG LINCOLN

IN AN EDGAR ALLEN POE FILM?

YEAH.

NO, I KNOW IT'S ROUGH, BUT THERE'S FRIENDS HERE

WHO CAME TO SEE YOU.

THOSE AREN'T MY FRIENDS,

THOSE'RE JUST THE LOSERS I HUNG OUT WITH

BEFORE I GOT COOL FRIENDS.

THE COOL FRIENDS DIDN'T COME. OKAY.

OKAY BUT WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS THAT THOSE KIDS ARE KIND OF COOL FOR SHOWING UP.

OR THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO HITCH A RIDE ON YOUR POPULARITY.

CONSTANCE--

HEY IT USE TO HAPPENED TO ME ALL THE TIME.

IT'S ONE OF THE DRAWBACKS OF BEING REALLY, REALLY POPULAR,

OH MY GOD. PEOPLE TRY TO USE YOUR POPULARITY

CONSTANCE. TO MAKE THEMSELVES SEEM MORE

POPULAR THAN THEY REALLY ARE. CONSTANCE!

CAN I TALK TO YOU OUTSIDE FOR A SECOND?

LISTEN, WE'RE TRYING TO GET THAT GIRL TO COME OUT TO HER PARTY,

AND I JUST DON'T THINK ANYTHING YOU'RE SAYING IS HELPING

LIKE, AT ALL.

CASEY, I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THESE ISSUES.

I WAS VERY POPULAR.

YEAH, WELL, OKAY CONSTANCE, I WAS PRETTY POPULAR TOO.

NOT LIKE I WAS POPULAR.

YOU DON'T KNOW-- NOT FOR A FACT.

IS THIS TAYLOR'S PARTY?

YEAH WHAT CLIQUE ARE YOU IN? YES!

THIS IS TAYLOR'S PARTY, BUT SHE'S NOT SO FEELING WELL.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MEGAN LINDERMAN.

MEGAN, HI, I CAN GIVE THAT TO HER FOR YOU.

AND EVERYONE'S JUST IN THE BALLROOM.

YEAH BACK THAT WAY. YEAH.

BYE. SEE YA.

SO CAN I PLEASE JUST TALK TO HER ALONE

FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?

TELL HER TO HOLD OUT FOR TRISTAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT A GREAT STORY THIS IS GONNA MAKE?

I WAS AT A KIDS PARTY ON A BOAT-- YEAH.

HENRY WE'RE GOOD. I KNOW.

ALL RIGHT WATCH.

OKAY, IF HE WON'T SIGN I'LL FIRE A BAZOOKA UP HIS ASS.

AND TAKE A GIANT SHIT DOWN THE BAZOOKA HOLE!

I'VE GOT ENOUGH SHIT WITH YOUR FUCKING KID

BLOWING OFF MY KID'S THING.

HE FUCKING BETTER, OR YOU'LL NEVER SEE THE LAKERS AGAIN.

FUCK YOU.

MICHAEL, I'M SORRY, I'M DEALING WITH A REAL SHITSTORM, HERE.

NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM.

THANK YOU FOR COMING.

GOOD TO BE HERE, LARRY THIS IS HENRY. [ phone ringing ]

YEAH NO I'M GOOD. OKAY.

NO, ACTUALLY LEONARD--

WELL FUCK HIM!

FUCK HIS FACE OFF,

AND WHEN HE PICK IT UP OFF THE FLOOR,

FUCK HIM IN THE ASS!

LEONARD I WANTED YOU TO MEET HENRY,

BECAUSE HE IS THE BEST ACTOR I KNOW.

THIS WAITER, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT?

HE IS A GOOD WAITER, HE'S IS A FANTASTIC ACTOR.

WHOA, WA--WAIT A SECOND.

YEAH, THERE IT IS, HE READ FOR YOU A FEW YEARS BACK?

I DID.

ALL RIGHT, YOU COME WITH ME.

HARRY, RIGHT?

AH, HENRY. DOESN'T MATTER.

I DON'T KNOW, I THOUGHT IT'D BE SO GREAT BEING POPULAR,

BUT IT'S SO CONFUSING.

I KNOW, I WAS POPULAR FOR LIKE, I DUNNO, TWO YEARS

BEFORE I FIGURED THAT SHIT OUT.

YOU TRY SO HARD TO BE COOL, RIGHT?

BUT THEN IF YOU'RE TRYING TO BE COOL THEN THAT'S NOT COOL.

AND THE KIDS WHO AREN'T TRYING

THEIR THE ONES THAT SEEM TO HAVING ALL THE FUN, SO...

I DON'T KNOW, DON'T YOU WANNA LIKE FORGET ABOUT BEING "COOL"

FOR A SECOND AND JUST HAVE FUN?

YOUR FRIEND MEGAN'S HERE.

SHE BROUGHT YOU THIS.

OH MY GOD.

WE USED TO PLAY THIS AT SLUMBER PARTIES

LIKE ALL THE TIME. SEE?

HEY, SWEETIE?

GOD DAD! WILL YOU GET OUT OF HERE!

HEY, HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

IT'S MICHAEL. HEY, TAYLOR.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETHEART.

AND LOOK WHO'S HERE WITH A QUESTION FOR YOU?

"ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?"

RIGHT, FROM THOSE COMMERCIALS?

BEER COMMERCIALS. RIGHT.

SHE USED TO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE SAYING IT

ALL THE TIME. REALLY?

OH YEAH, YEAH.

JESUS, NOT EVEN A GODDAMN SMILE?

GOD, DAD, I WAS, LIKE, NINE.

YEAH WHEN SHE WAS NINE SHE WASN'T A FUCKIN' COMPLETE

FUCKIN' SPOILED FUCKIN' BRAT!

OKAY WE WILL GET THIS AT A DIFFERENT MOMENT.

OKAY.

SO DO YOU NORMALLY DO THE CASTING DECISIONS AND STUFF?

DID YOU SEE "BLOB, EXTREME? "

THE GUY WHO PLAYED THE FIREMAN IN THAT

HE WAS ONE OF MINE,

BUT HE WASN'T HALF AS CUTE AS YOU ARE.

I'LL GET YOU SOMETHING MUCH BETTER IN POE.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A GREAT YOUNG LINCOLN.

MAYBE THIS ISN'T LIKE THE BEST TIME TO LIKE DO THIS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ABOUT LEONARD.

I NEVER WOULD'VE MARRIED HIM

IF WE DIDN'T HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING.

YOU'RE SO HOT.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE VERY HOT YOURSELF.

OH GOD, YEAH, UM-HMM.

IT'S NICE ON THE EAR.

SO THE "DRO GRIZZLE" IS A FRANCHISE

THAT PEOPLE CAN BUY INTO?

RIGHT, RIGHT.

YOU BUY IN, DO YOUR THING

UNDER THE UMBRELLA OF THE BRAND.

YOU HELP US GROW, WE SUPPORT YOU.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

LIKE THAT SOUP THING YOU WERE TELLING US ABOUT.

SOUP R' CRACKERS.

FASTEST GROWING NON-POULTRY, NON-COFFEE FRANCHISE

IN ALL OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

ALL YOU CAN EAT SOUP, SALAD, BREAD.

I AIN'T NEVER HEARD OF THAT.

YOU FOR REAL, LIKE ALL YOU CAN EAT.

THE ONLY LIMIT IS YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM.

HEY AH, YOU FIND OUT WHEN WE'RE GOING ON, MAN?

[ making weird noises ] RON?

YOU FIND OUT WHAT TIME WE GOING ON?

OH, RIGHT, IT'S NUTS OUT THERE.

HEY BEFORE I GO, SINCE YOU GUYS NEVER HEARD OF IT

I'M WONDERING IF THERE'S AN OPPORTUNITY

TO OPEN UP A FRANCHISE TO SOUTH CENTRAL,

FOR GUYS LIKE YOU WHO NEVER HAD ALL YOU CAN EAT SOUP?

I MIGHT BE ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF A SENSATION, HERE.

NO, NO, NO YOU GOTTA CHECK YOUR DEMOGRAPHICS, MAN.

IF YOU DO, YOU'LL FIND SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES

IS INCREASINGLY HOME TO A MAJORITY LATINO POPULATION.

IS THAT RIGHT?

DEAD SERIOUS.

AIN'T A LOT OF BROTHERS HANKERIN' AROUND FOR NO SOUP.

SO, IT'S, LIKE, A WHITE THING?

WELL PUT IT LIKE THIS, WHEN I THINK ABOUT SOUP,

I THINK ABOUT LIKE--

REESE WITHERSPOON EATING THAT SHIT.

MATT DAMON, I THINK MATT DAMON.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE BITCHES OFF THE HILLS

NANCY REAGAN, OLD SOUP EATIN' ASS.

HANNAH MONTANA FUCKIN' ASS.

THAT BITCH PROBABLY EATIN' SOME RICH SOUP.

TIGER WOODS, HE PROBABLY WOULD I CAN SEE HIM EATIN' THAT SHIT.

UH-UH, UH-UH THE GUY'S PART THAI,

NO HE COME FROM A LONG CULINARY TRADITION OF EXOTIC SOUPS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING'?

I DON'T IMAGINE IT'S THAT EXOTIC.

NO IT'S MORE HEARTY SOUP,

LIKE CHICKEN, RICE.

NOW SEE MY DILEMMA IS, I DON'T SEE NO BLACK PEOPLE

GOING NOWHERE THAT SAY "CRACKER" ANYTHING.

THAT'S TRUE, I KNOW I'M NOT.

HOLD ON, HOLD ON, THAT'S INTERESTING TO ME,

WHY IS THAT?

SHOW HIM WHY GREG.

SOUPER CRACKERS.

YOU DON'T GET WHAT HE SAYIN', ALL RIGHT,

IMAGINE YOUR GRANDMA GOIN' INTO A PLACE

TO BUY SOUP AND IT'S CALLED SOUPER ANGRY BLACKMAN.

HISTORY OF THE SOUTH, MAN.

ALL THAT RACIST SHIT.

MAN IT'S JUST ALL BAD.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL IT "SLAVE WHIPPIN' SOUP."

OH NO!

"ALL YOU CAN EAT SLAVE N' SALAD AND SHIT."

OHH--

AH, "LYNCH AND SOUP."

WHAT ABOUT "SOUP R' OPPRESSION"

HEY THE "JIM CROW SOUP AND SALAD ."

"NO NIGGER SOUP."

RIGHT?

NO YOU LOOK AWESOME.

GO OUT THERE AND HAVE FUN, YOU KNOW. BE YOURSELF.

ARE THE REAL FRIENDS COMING? CONSTANCE!

JUST KEEP WALKING, OKAY.

WHAT THE FUCK MAN, THAT WAS THE BEST PART OF THE COMICS

EDGAR ALLEN POE, TOTAL ALCOHOLIC FIGHTS VAMPIRES.

WELL IN THE SCRIPT HE'S NOT AN ALCOHOLIC.

SO HE'S NOT REALLY EDGAR ALLEN POE. NO.

NOW EDGAR ALLEN POE DIDN'T REALLY KILL VAMPIRES,

NOW DID HE, SWEETHEART.

IS THE LOVE INTEREST STILL HIS 13 YEAR OLD COUSIN?

WELL THEY'RE LOOKIN' AT NATALIE PORTMAN.

WHO'S LIKE 40. FUCK.

THESE ASSHOLES ALWAYS FUCKIN' UP THE COMICS.

YOU GUYS SEE "DARK KNIGHT? "

MY DAD SAID IT WAS TOO VIOLENT, HE WOULDN'T LET ME GO.

SHIT, WE SHOULD GO.

GIVE ME YOU NUMBER, THIS WEEKEND MAYBE, OR--

I'LL COME PICK YOU UP OR--

[ clapping ]

I'LL BE OVER HERE.

WE GOTTA PLAY THIS.

FINALLY, SHE'S OUT.

HEY YOU I OWE YOU BIG TIME, YOU'RE MARY TODD LINCOLN.

YEAH WHATEVER, WHERE ARE THOSE RAP GUYS?

THEY'RE IN BACK.

FYI, I WON'T PAY TO SEE EDGAR ALLEN POE FIGHT VAMPIRES SOBER.

NOBODY GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK, DINK.

PEOPLE CARE WHAT I THINK.

I HAVE A PRESTIGIOUS BLOG, SIR.

NICE WORK, KLEIN.

I FEEL LIKE AN EXTRA IN AN AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL.

I DO TOO, KIND OF.

SO WHAT HAPPENED WITH LEONARD?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT HAPPENED, WITH LEONARD, YOU WERE THERE.

I KNOW BUT DID MICHAEL GO AND TALK TO HIM

IS HE GONNA GIVE YOU A PART?

HE'S NOT GONNA GIVE ME A PART, CASEY.

WHY?

SOMETIMES THEY GIVE YOU A PART.

COME ON!

IT HAS TO HAPPEN SOMETIME.

LOOK I REMEMBER THIS FEELING, OKAY,

AND IT'S LIKE BEATING MY HEAD AGAINST THAT WALL,

OH GOD I'M SO SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW. WHAT?

I DIDN'T KNOW, THAT YOU LOVED THIS LOSER

MINIMUM WAGE LIFE-STYLE SO MUCH

THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO PART WITH IT.

WELL I DO. I WASN'T AWARE.

I DO. I'M SORRY.

WHAT I SHOULD GO TALK TO HIM BECAUSE WHAT IT'S FATE?

YOU SHOULD JUST NOT BE A TOTAL IDIOT

FOR ONE SECOND OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

AND JUST DO IT.

JUST DO IT.

JUST DO IT, WHAT THE FUCK?

ALL RIGHT PARTY'S ON, LEONARD'S HAPPY,

IT'S THE PERFECT MOMENT, YOU WANNA DO IT?

I DON'T--

COME ON, THIS IS HOW THESE MOVIES END.

OKAY, EVERYONE'S HAPPY AT THE END.

OKAY! YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

[ music playing ]

OH OH.

YOU DON'T WANNA BE THE YOUNG ABE LINCOLN?

NO I REALLY WANNA BE, I REALLY WANNA BE LINCOLN.

[ in pain ]

OH GOD THAT'S GOOD! YOU LIKE THAT?

[ grunting ]

OH YOU LOVE THAT?

[ laughing in pain ]

OH GOD! SHIT!

WHAT THE FUCK?

NO BULLSHIT, HE'D BE PERFECT FOR THE ROLE OF YOUNG LINCOLN.

MIKEY, IF YOU SAY SO? AH HE LOOKS A LITTLE BIT LIKE LINCOLN.

WHERE ARE THOSE FUCKIN' RAPPERS?

NO BULLSHITTING HE'S PERFECT FOR IT.

MAYBE WE GET THE SCRIPT--

WAIT A MINUTE NOW, IF HE'S THE NEXT PACINO,

WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU THEN?

WELL, THE NEXT COSTNER.

ALL RIGHT LISTEN MAN CAN YOU COME IN TO READ?

YES. YOU MIND AH--

OH YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN' KIDDING ME NOW IT'S FUCKIN' WAITERS,

HE'S AN ACTOR.

AH BEAUTIFUL AND ACTOR, SO NOW I GET TO PUT

THIS FUCKIN' GUY IN A MOVIE.

DON'T GET YOUR DICK IN A WAD,

IT DIDN'T GET THAT FAR, I THINK HE'S FUCKIN' GAY.

I'M NOT GAY!

MY TEETH!

[ moaning ]

SO, MAYBE WE'LL HAVE HIM CALL THE OFFICE ON MONDAY.

YEAH, YEAH SURE--

OH HERE WE ARE, FUCK, ABOUT TIME.

LET'S GO MAN, YOU'RE ON.

OH, NAH, DUDE, I'M DONE, THAT'S IT.

IT SAYS IT IN MY CONTRACT, I'M OUT.

YOU CAN'T FUCKING WALK OUT NOW!

WE JUST GOT HER OUT OF THE STATEROOM.

HEY MAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS A STATEROOM?

IT'S WHAT THEY CALL A ROOM ON A BOAT.

SO WHY DON'T THEY JUST CALL IT A ROOM THAT'S ON A BOAT?

WHY DON'T THEY JUST CALL THE FRONT THE FRONT

BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKIN' BOAT!

TELL YOU WHAT LEONARD WE'LL STEPHANIE FAX OVER A SCRIPT--

YOU FUCKIN' WALK OUT ON ME NOW,

I WILL KILL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY

CHOP THEM UP INTO LITTLE PIECES EAT THEM!

COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE THE NEXT DAY

AND SHIT THEM OUT ON YOUR FACE.

DON'T DO THAT, THAT'S A LOT OF SHIT.

JUST CALL OUR LAWYER, MAN.

HEY RON, DUDE, GOOD SHIT, MAN.

AND I MEAN THAT, GOOD LUCK WITH THE SOUP SHIT TOO.

WHEN IT COME OUT, I'MA EAT SOME MY NIGGA, REAL.

OH YO YO YO, DRO.

I APPRECIATE THE ADVICE.

AH, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, YOU FUCKIN' FUCK YOU

YOU FUCKIN'--

FUCK!

THAT'S ORIGINAL.

TELL YOU WHAT LEONARD,

I SEE YOU'RE DEALIN' WITH A LOT OF STUFF

LET ME TAKE ONE THING OFF YOUR PLATE,

YOUNG LINCOLN, LOOK AT THAT PROFILE

THAT'S A PENNY, THAT'S A LUCKY PENNY.

I FUCKIN' HATE PACINO.

IS THAT RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

SO?

MY FATE IS WITH THE LOSERS.

FEEL LIKE DANCING?

YEAH.

I THINK THIS WENT MUCH BETTER

THAN IT WOULD'VE WENT WITH VALHALLA CATERING.

FUCK OFF.

CHAD?

CHAD.

CHAD BABY, I'M SO SORRY.

LET'S GO.

FUCK THIS.

IT'S LIKE A FAIRY TALE!

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YOU STILL LIKE ME, RIGHT?

I DO, BUT.

I PROBABLY WOULD LIKE YOU MORE

IF YOU WERE HELPING EDGAR ALLEN POE

FIGHT VAMPIRES.

OW.

RON, WHAT DID STILTSKIN WRITE ON THE COMMENT CARD?

I DON'T WANNA SAY-- I DON'T WANNA TELL YOU.

LET ME GUESS, HE WROTE,

"YOU FUCKIN' SUCK AT CATERING

YOU FUCKIN' FAT FUCKIN' PIECES OF FUCKIN' SHIT,

YOU FUCKIN' STUPID FUCKERS, FUCK YOU."

ALL RIGHT YOU FREAKIN' ME OUT, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.

WORD FOR WORD? LOOK.

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* T-R-E-E, TREE