Original subtitles

*

HOLY BALLS, THIS PARTY IS GONNA BE FUCKIN' AWESOME.

YEAH OR LIKE ANY OTHER PARTY,

BUT NAKED-ER.

AND WITH SEX.

THAT'S AWESOME.

WHAT? I DIG SEX.

I'M NOT GONNA APOLOGIZE

FOR NOT SHARING SOCIETY'S HANG-UPS.

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

YEAH YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO

YOU HAVE HANG-UPS, ADMIT IT.

LOOK, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT WE LIVE IN

AN UPTIGHT, PURITANICAL SOCIETY.

IF YOU LOOK AT THE HISTORY OF ALL CIVILIZATION.

LIKE ANCIENT ROME FOR EXAMPLE.

IF YOU WENT INTO A PROMINENT CITIZEN'S VILLA,

IN ANCIENT ROME AND LOOKED UP ON THE WALLS,

THERE WOULD BE MURALS OF PEOPLE FUCKING.

REALLY?

JUST PEOPLE FUCKING...

ON THE WALLS.

AND PHALLUSES.

MY POINT IS THEY DIDN'T HAVE HANG-UPS.

THEY'RE LIKE, HEY MAN, SEX IS A LIFE FORCE.

WHAT'S UP!

HOLLY SHIT, THAT'S ROD JOHNSON.

ROD JOHNSON?

HE PRACTICALLY GOT A SATURN V ROCKET FOR A COCK.

HE JUST ANNIHILATES THESE CHICKS.

HE BE LIKE FUCKIN' THE SHIT OUT OF THEM.

AND THEN SPLOOGE,

ALL OVER THEIR MOUTH AND NOSE AND EYES,

LIKE BUCKETS, EXCRETED FROM HIS BODY.

ALL OVER THEM IT'S FUCKIN' CRAZY.

WOW, IT MUST BE GREAT NOT HAVING HANG-UPS.

YEAH.

*

SERVICE SMILE, SERVICE SMILE.

NO, NOT "OOH, NICE TITS, SMILES, OKAY"?

PROFESSIONAL SMILES.

AH EXCUSE ME SIR, YOU CAN'T BE IN HERE.

OH MR. DUK.

OF COURSE YOU CAN BE BACK HERE.

IT'S YOUR COMPANY, YOU CAN BE ANYWHERE YOU WANT!

TO WHAT DO WE OWE THE PLEASURE OF YOUR VISIT?

MMM, HUNDRED DOLLARS AT A TITTY BAR, OR HERE FOR FREE?

MMM, I COME HERE.

DOLLAR SMART, WHY I'M THE BOSS.

OF COURSE.

UH, WHILE I HAVE YOU HERE,

FREE FULLY NUDE PORNO EVERYWHERE.

WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE ALL THE FUN?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND IF IT MAKES SENSE MONEY-WISE.

SPEAKING OF WHICH.

DO YOU KNOW HOW YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO BECOME

A PARTNER WITH ME ON MY FRANCHISE PLAN?

SOUP R' CRACKERS?

ALL YOU CAN EAT SOUP AND SALAD?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH RIGHT, RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN TRACKING THE MARKETS,

AND IT JUST SEEMS LIKE A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO MOVE RIGHT NOW.

I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, IT'S LAMINATED AND ALL THAT

BUT-- TOO EARLY.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID TO ME LAST TIME.

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT.

[ indistinct conversations ]

YEAH, THEY'RE LITTLE DICKS.

YOU'RE THE FIRST FUCKIN' GUYS TO NOTICE THAT.

HI--

SORRY.

YEAH, YEAH, I'M SORRY--UH...

NO, NO, IT'S JUST, NOT HERE.

NOT HERE. I KNOW.

I'M SORRY--GROUND RULES.

I MEAN JUST AT WORK.

I JUST DON'T WANT ANYONE-- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH I KNOW.

I DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW. YEAH.

AND PLUS I'M LIKE SWIMMING IN DIVORCE PAPERS, RIGHT NOW.

LIKE MY AGENT KEEPS TEASING ME

WITH THIS RENO 911 OFFER

OR SOMETHING, IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

NOW I HAVE TO SPEND THE ENTIRE NIGHT

WALKING AROUND WITH THESE TROGLODYTES

DEMANDING TO SEE MY TITS EVERY TIME I WALK BY

WITH THESE FUCKIN' IDIOTIC COCK SNACKS.

I THOUGHT--

KNOW WHAT'D I'D DO? JUST SHOW 'EM THE GOODS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, I'M SURE THEY'RE NATURAL?

ROMAN, I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU DON'T GET AWAY FROM ME

I'M GONNA KICK YOUR DICK OFF.

JESUS CH-- I SWEAR TO GOD.

ALL RIGHT, HAVE FUN GUYS.

I'M SORRY, IT'S MY FAULT.

YOU KNOW IT'S JUST... MY LIFE SUCKS RIGHT NOW.

IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO SEE YOU AND

YOU TOO. YEAH AHH--

AND YOU KNOW HOOKIN' UP AND STUFF IS FUN.

I SWEAR IT'S JUST LIKE, THE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND THING

YEAH, NO, IT'S A CASUAL THING.

RIGHT, EXACTLY. IT'S CASUAL.

YEAH THAT'S, WHAT I WANT.

GOOD.

AWE MAN, STAY AWAY FROM CASEY,

I THINK SHE'S ON THE FUCKIN' RAG.

PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA, DUDE.

HERE YOU GO. THANKS.

AND WHAT AWARD DID YOU WIN TONIGHT??

BEST BLOWJOB.

AH BEST BLOWJOB?

THAT MUST BE AN AMAZING BLOWJOB.

BEST OF THE YEAR.

"BEST" BEING RELATIVE, OF COURSE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DANDIA?

I MEAN, YOU SO DON'T DESERVE THAT.

HEY, I WON THIS FAIR AND SQUARE--

YEAH, JUST SLEEP WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE--

I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH ANYONE TO WIN THIS.

I JUST WENT OUT AND GAVE THE BEST BLOWJOB.

MINE'S WAY BETTER--

BULLSHIT!

LADIES, MAYBE WE CAN CLEAR THIS UP RIGHT NOW.

WE COULD DO A BLOWJOB CONTEST.

WE'LL BE THE JUDGES.

YOU KNOW, IT'S AN IDEA.

DUDE, WHAT WAS THAT?

I KNOW, MAN,

I THOUGHT THEY WERE COOL WITH SEX

BUT THEY'RE FUCKIN' STUCK-UP, BITCHES.

NO, THEY'RE COOL WITH SEX.

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY GOT INTO PORN?

I DON'T KNOW, THEIR UNCLES RAPED THEM.

I'M TALKING ABOUT YOUR APPROACH.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY APPROACH?

"HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE A BLOWJOB CONTEST."

SOUND LIKE A CLOWN.

NOT EVEN NYMPHOS'LL GO FOR THAT.

FUCK OFF NYMPHO'S WOULD GO FOR THAT.

NO THEY WOULDN'T.

WHAT WOULD YOUR APPROACH BE?

ALL RIGHT TELL YOU WHAT?

JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.

OKAY?

SO MY AGENT'S LIKE, DO ONE PUPUJUJO VIDEO

JUST FOR THE MONEY AND NOW IT'S LIKE ALL I'M DOING.

PUPUJUJO?

PUPUJUJO IT'S THING WHERE GUYS CUM IN YOUR NOSTRILS.

FUCKING JAPANESE, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE, WHAT'LL THEY THINK OF NEXT?

IT'S MONEY, BUT LIKE IS THAT WHY I GOT INTO THE BUSINESS?

SO I COULD HAVE GUYS CUMMING UP MY NOSE?

I AH-- I DON'T--

SO I'M REBRANDING.

I GOT THE NEW NAME,

I GOT THE NEW SURGERIES,

WHICH CAME OUT OKAY, EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE LITTLE SCAR.

WELL, YOU BARELY NOTICE.

OH, NO, NO THAT'S FROM EARLIER

WHEN MY HEART DIDN'T WORK.

SO NOW I HAVE A MONKEY HEART.

GOD DAMN IT, GOOD--

RON! WHAT'S UP.

WHAT'S UP IS ALAN DUK IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

AND I FUCKING HATE HIM.

THE GUY WHO OWNS THE COMPANY?

YEAH, YEAH THE GUY, WHO OWNS THE COMPANY

THE GUY IS LIKE, "RON, HEY

YOU HAVE GOALS AND PLANS,

SOUP R' CRACKERS WHAT A GREAT FRANCHISE,

LET ME HELP YOU OUT," RIGHT?

BUT THEN I GET ALL MY DUCKS IN A ROW

I GET EVERYTHING READY TO GO,

I CAN SMELL, IT RIGHT?

HE'S LIKE, "NO I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

MAYBE LATER." AGAIN.

SO IT'S LIKE HE DANGLES IT IN FRONT OF MY FACE

AND THEN JUST RIPS IT AWAY.

WELL, KEEP TRYING.

HE'S THE MONEY, HENRY.

HE'S THE MONEY, OKAY?

IF HE'S YANKIN' MY CHAIN, THEN WHERE AM I GONNA GET THE MONEY?

THE MONEY STORE?

I DON'T--

MONEY DEPOT?

CRAMSEY.

I'M SORRY?

MY NEW NAME.

CAUSE LIKE I DO A LOT OF ANAL.

SO IT'S LIKE "CRAM IT UP THERE"

YOU KNOW LIKE CRAM IT. I GET IT.

HI. COME HERE.

WHO IS THAT, SHOULD I BE JEALOUS?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IF I PLAY MY CARDS RIGHT,

I MIGHT HAVE A SHOT AT MASTURBATING INTO HER NOSE.

WOW!

THAT'S SO SEXY, SHE'S VERY SEXY.

SHE'S THE MOST DEPRESSING PERSON ON THE PLANET.

I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF.

UMM. YOU HOWEVER SEEM MORE CHEERFUL THOUGH.

THIS GUY GAVE ME A HIT OF X AND I TOOK IT.

REALLY?

YEAH LIKE 15 MINUTES AGO AND NOW IT'S KICKING IN.

WOW.

YOU SHOULD TAKE IT TOO AND WE BOTH

CAN BE IN ECSTASY AT THIS PARTY.

OKAY. YEAH?

IS THERE ANYMORE OR--

AH, I DON'T, I DON'T KNOW...PROBABLY.

I'LL FIND HIM-- JESUS, MAN--I'M NOT KIDDING.

LIKE THE MANE OF A UNICORN.

SERIOUSLY, THIS?

SUCH MYTHICAL CREATURE.

I'M TOTALLY IN TO THAT.

I-- YES, YES I'M GONNA-- OKAY GREAT.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

[ muttering ]

DUDE, THESE CHICKS TONIGHT, HUH?

YOU IN THE BIZ, OR JUST, WHAT, AN INTERESTED PARTY?

SHIT MAN, ALL THAT PUSSY OUT THERE,

WHO ISN'T AN INTERESTED PARTY?

ME? I'M BOTH.

I AM IN THE BIZ AND VERY INTERESTED IN PUSSY.

YOU HEARD OF "DUMB SCHOOLGIRLZ?"

WITH A Z?

TOO DUMB TO SAY NO" THAT'S ME, THAT'S MINE.

[ chuckling ]

YOU LIKE SCHOOL GIRLS?

AH SHIT WHO DOESN'T LIKE SCHOOL GIRLS.

AM I MAKING YOU PEE SHY, HUH?

ALL MY JIBBER JABBER?

[ grunting ] SORRY.

[ laughing ]

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE TO DO?

I LIKE TO THINK OF A BUCKET OF WATER

POURING INTO ANOTHER BUCKET OF WATER,

OH BY THE WAY FYI, STAY AWAY FROM THE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL

WITH THE BIG TITS AND THE GREEN SKIRT.

SO, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR BAND.

YEAH, WE DO LIKE THIS MODERN TAKE ON A DOORS THING.

SORT OF LIKE, POWER EMO.

I'M REALLY INTO THIS GERMAN TECHNO--

I LOVE JIM MORRISON.

MORRISON IS A POET.

HE DOES NOT GET THE RESPECT HE DESERVES, RIGHT.

"COME ON BABY, LIGHT MY FIRE."

ROBBIE KRIEGER WROTE THAT.

NOT OF LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT.

"BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE."

RIGHT, THAT'S BETTER POETRY THAN,

LIKE, YEETS OR WHATEVER.

IT'S PRONOUNCED YEATS.

I HATE YEETS, THAT'S WHAT I WAS READING IN HIGH SCHOOL

MY TEACHER MOLESTED ME.

SOMETIMES WHEN I'M WRITING SONGS,

I DO THIS THING THAT HE DID,

WHERE HE CHANNELED THE SPIRIT OF AN INDIAN.

THAT WOULD BE SO AWESOME, RIGHT?

TO HAVE LIKE AN INDIAN INSIDE YOU.

AMAZING.

I'M HALF INDIAN.

OKAY, UM, I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

OH--

DUDE, WHAT WAS THAT?

YEAH, WHAT WAS THAT?

YOU'RE JUST STANDING THERE TALKING ALL THAT BULLSHIT.

HOW COULD I FOLLOW?

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S NOT BULLSHIT.

THAT'S HONEST CONVERSATION.

HONESTY?

DO I WANNA BE INSIDER HER? YES?

IS YEATS IS PRONOUNCED YATES?

FUCKIN' YES.

YOU JUST GOTTA BE ZEN. DON'T WANT. BE.

GIRLS WANT TO BE, SO JUST BE WITH THEM.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE.

YOU'LL GET IT MAN, YOU'LL GET IT, I'LL CLICK.

JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.

[ loud music playing ]

THINK FOR A SEX PARTY, THERE'D BE MORE ACTUAL SEX.

LIKE FREE SEX.

CONSTANCE, HI. HEY.

DO YOU HAVE ANY ECSTASY?

NO. DO YOU?

SHE'S WITH US? YEAH.

NICE TITS.

WHAT'S ECSTASY?

HELLO.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

MY NAME IS GUY STENNISLAUS.

I WAS WONDERING YOU MIGHT HAVE A MOMENT

FOR A BUSINESS CONVERSATION.

WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT IF I ASK YOUR NAME?

RON, WHAT BUSINESS?

I'M A PRODUCER.

MY REPUTATION IS VERY GOOD,

ANYONE HERE WILL TESTIFY TO THAT.

I'VE WON THE REUBEN HOSEMAN AWARD THREE TIMES.

MY COMPANY GROSSED SIX MILLION, LAST YEAR.

NOW, RON, I WAS WATCHING YOU IN THE BATHROOM.

YOU HAVE AN ENORMOUS COCK.

I'M GOING TO BE VERY STRAIGHT FORWARD WITH YOU

BECAUSE I'M A STRAIGHT FORWARD BUSINESS MAN.

I AM GOING TOMORROW TO MEET WITH INVESTORS IN SEOUL,

AND I THINK A DISCOVERY LIKE THIS WOULD BE

OF GREAT INTEREST TO THEM,

AND VERY LUCRATIVE TO YOU, IF YOU WOULD CONSIDER IT.

KOREANS? YES.

AND I THINK THAT YOU COULD MAKE YOU A LOT OF MONEY

IN A VERY SHORT TIME WITH SUCH A LARGE,

INTERESTING COCK AS THAT.

IF I CAN'T TOUCH, WHY BOTHER, RIGHT?

OH DICK SNACKS.

REALLY CLEVER, AREN'T THEY?

UH RON,

PERHAPS WE COULD DISCUSS THIS SOMEWHERE

A LITTLE MORE PRIVATE, YES?

I DON'T HAVE TO SHOW MY FACE,

AND I COULD STILL MAKE MONEY?

WE ARE NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR FACE, RON.

IF THAT'S HOW YOU WANT IT.

CAUSE I JUST NEED QUICK START-UP FUNDS.

OF COURSE, OF COURSE I KNOW, RON.

YOU HAVE A DREAM, I HAD A DREAM MYSELF, ONCE.

AND NOW, I'M LIVING IT.

IF YOU MAKE MID FIVE FIGURES IN A QUARTER,

YOU CAN OPEN ALL THE WONDER CRACKERS YOU WISH.

SOUP R' CRACKERS. YES.

SO, IF I MAY, IF I COULD JUST UH--

HAVE A CLOSER LOOK?

IT IS, IT IS FIVE FIGURES YOU SWEAR, YES?

YES, YES.

SO--

CAN I JUST TAKE A MINUTE?

TAKE ALL THE TIME YOU NEED.

OF COURSE, OF COURSE.

YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU ARE READY.

OKAY.

[ clearing his throat ]

OKAY.

READY? YES.

OCCUPIED, OCCUPIED!

NO, NO, NO, RON.

THIS IS MY ASSISTANT, THIS IS JIMMY.

JIMMY, THIS IS MR. DONALD.

WHO I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT RON.

SO IF YOU COULD TAKE IT OUT AGAIN?

AGAIN? YES.

JUST ONE MOMENT PLEASE.

WE'LL WANT TO CALL HIRO AND GUNTER RIGHT AWAY.

UH RON, COULD YOU LIFT IT A BIT?

OKAY.

AND TO THE RIGHT.

MY RIGHT OR YOUR RIGHT?

MY RIGHT.

AND THE RHEE BROTHERS

[ laughing and talking ] OCCUPIED!

OCCUPIED!

RON. RON. NO, NO, NO SORRY, SO SORRY.

I WOULD LOVE TO INTRODUCE MY BUSINESS PARTNER

THIS IS DENNI.

THIS IS RON DONALD, WHO I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

IF YOU'D TAKE IT OUT AGAIN,

I CAN'T, I CAN'T, I CAN'T.

I JUST CAN'T DO THIS. RON PLEASE.

RON, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THREE MONTHS WORK.

AND THEN YOU CAN HAVE YOUR DREAM IN YOUR HAND.

OKAY, OKAY.

THERE.

AND IF YOU COULD GET IT MORE ERECT. NO.

NO, NO I DON'T WANT YOU TAKING A PICTURE OF IT, PLEASE.

RON, THE KOREANS ARE NOT GOING TO INVEST ON MY GOOD WORD.

[ chuckling ]

SO IF YOU COULD MAKE,

AROUSE YOURSELF A LITTLE, MORE.

NO, NO I CAN'T.

THINK OF THE SOUP RESTAURANT.

SOUP R' CRACKERS.

SOUP 'R CRACKERS, YES, IT IS YOUR DREAM, YEAH?

YES, YES.

THINK ABOUT THAT AND I WANT YOU

TO THINK ABOUT IT LIKE A WOMAN.

USE YOUR HAND TO SLAP IT AROUND.

DENNI.

PLEASE.

LIKE A WOMAN.

LIKE A WOMAN.

LIKE A WOMAN.

YOU SEEN GUY WITH--?

OH CASEY, SHIT.

THIS IS-- THIS IS A BUSINESS THING.

LOOK RON, IF YOU WOULD REALLY

WE JUST NEED TO GET ONE QUICK SNAPSHOT OF YOUR

YOUR STIFF HARD DICK.

ARE YOU GOOD?

YEAH I GUESS. OKAY GREAT.

ALL RIGHT OKAY.

VERY GOOD.

NICE BOOBIES.

FEELS GOOD.

AH THIS IS LIKE-- I DON'T KNOW, THIS IS TOUGH!

IT'S REALLY HARD CAUSE LIKE,

THEY BOTH FEEL LIKE REALLY REAL.

AND--

OKAY YOU HAVE TO PICK, COME ON.

DUDE, LET ME GIVE IT A SHOT.

JUST BE, OKAY.

OKAY, THIS IS A TOTAL GUESS, 'CAUSE

BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH TOTALLY, TOTALLY AMAZING

UMM--

LET'S SEE UM, I GONNA GUESS KENLEY'S ARE REAL.

IS THAT YOUR FINAL GUESS?

OH MAN.

[ laughing ]

I CAN'T DECIDE.

HERE, LET ME, LET ME GO!

LET ME DO IT.

HEY, GUY, BE COOL--

I MEAN IT'S NOT FAIR IF I DON'T JUDGE IT TOO.

KENLEY'S ARE REAL.

OKAY? I GOT IT.

LOSER. SEE YOU GUYS.

DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I DON'T KNOW, MAN YOU'RE NOT TELLING ME.

I TOLD YOU OKAY, YOU JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD--

THAT'S ALL YOU GOTTA DO.

THEY WOULDN'T LET ME!

AND LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING TO FUCKIN' FOLLOW.

YOU'RE LIKE, "BLOWJOB CONTEST, NOT COOL,"

AH TITTY-FEELING CONTEST, COOL!"

IT'S NOT A CONTEST, A COMPARISON.

TOTALLY DIFFERENT. ALL RIGHT?

JUST WATCH AND LEARN YOU'LL GET IT.

LEARN WHAT?

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO TEACH.

YOU DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT

CAUSE YOU'RE HANDSOME AND YOU HAVE COOL EMO HAIR

THE GIRLS LIKE.

I THINK YOU LOOK KIND OF FAGGY AND I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW.

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

HI.

WHAT'S UP.

[ party noises ]

THERE YOU ARE.

HEY. HENRY!

HOW'S IT GOING?

OH MY GOD.

DID YOU AH, DID YOU FIND THE-- THE GUY?

DO YOU LIKE HOW I FEEL?

YES, YES I DO--

GOOD, BECAUSE YOU'RE SO COOL.

COOL?

YOU'RE COOL. YOU'RE COOL TOO.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE HOOKED UP IN THE ROOM?

YEAH. IN THE ROOM IN THAT LITTLE ROOM.

AND THAT WAS SO FUN AND SEXY, REMEMBER?

IT WAS.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE WITH ME RIGHT NOW. ME TOO!

WE SHOULD GET YOU AND ECSTASY, BECAUSE IF WE DO

THEN WE COULD TALK ALL NIGHT YEAH.

AND KISS. YEAH.

AND KISS YOU.

OKAY, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY ECSTASY! ANYONE?

HENRY, HENRY, HENRY THAT'S THE GUY!

THAT GUY.

THAT GUY? THE SHINY--

THE SHI-- THAT'S THE GUY.

THE SHINIEST GUY HERE.

FUCKIN'...ASSHOLES ...SON-OF-A-BITCH--

GOOD. CAN I HAVE A VODKA REDBULL?

"LIVE LONG AND PROSPER."

HEY. YOU INTO SCI-FI?

YEAH, ARE YOU INTO SCI-FI?

YEAH, TOTALLY.

I EVEN DID A SCI-FI MOVIE ONCE.

THIS ALIEN DID ME WITH HIS TENTACLE ARMS.

IT WAS COOL.

IT SOUNDS COOL. YEAH.

I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT ONE.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

CRAMSEY. CRAMSEY.

LISA, ACTUALLY--

I'M ROMAN.

I'M A WRITER.

I WRITE MOVIES AND BOOKS,

I HAVE A BLOG.

IT'S PRETTY COOL.

YEAH.

SO WHAT KIND OF STUFF ARE YOU INTO?

YOU KNOW, ALL OF IT.

YEAH. YEAH.

BUT WHAT I REALLY LIKE IS DRAGONS.

DRAGONS?

UM DRAGONS.

DRAGONS ARE FANTASY.

IF THERE'S MAGICAL TALISMANS OR A MAGIC SWORD

OR WIZARDS

OR FUCKIN' CRAZY NOT REAL ANIMALS

ALL THOSE BASIC THINGS THAT BREAK THE LAWS OF REALITY,

THAT SHITS ALL FANTASY.

I'M INTO HARD SCI-FI, FANTASY IS BULLSHIT!

UM-HMM.

I HEARD YOU.

YEAH.

CAN I GET A WATER?

THANKS.

NO PROBLEMO.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

HI, RON. ANY LUCK?

ALL RIGHT THAT'S FINE. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

HEY MACY, WOULD YOU COME HERE, PLEASE?

AH MACY WE NEED YOUR HELP FOR A MOMENT.

I NEED TO GET A PICTURE FOR SEOUL.

SO, JUST A QUICK FLUFF?

YES, IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND.

I DON'T THINK THAT THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

NO, NO, RON. MACY IS A PROFESSIONAL.

THIS IS ALL JUST BUSINESS.

I REALLY DON'T WANT TOO.

RON, I JUST WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT THE MONEY

YOU'RE GOING TO BE MAKING.

I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT SOUP R' CRACKERS, YES?

YES.

WOW.

OKAY THEN.

UH, I KNEW IT!

HOW TO WIN A SINSAYSHUN AWARD.

BLOW THE GUY WITH THE MOST REUBENS--

I'M NOT BLOWING GUY, I'M BLOWING THIS ASSHOLE.

AS A FAVOR--

OH AND YOU'RE DOING A REALLY GOOD OF A JOB,

HE'S LOOKS WET STRING DOWN THERE.

THAT'S HIS PROBLEM, IT'S NOT ME.

LADIES, LADIES, PLEASE--

YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS AWARD--

IT'S MINE!.

[ moaning ]

FUCK.

YEAH, THAT LOOKS AMAZING. THANKS.

THEY DID REALLY GOOD WORK.

HEY KYLE, HAVE YOU SEEN CASEY ANYWHERE?

YEAH, I SAW HER HEAD TOWARD THE BACK.

WHO'S YOUR SURGEON?

IT--HIT ME ON THE--VERY TIP...AHH!

[ crying ]

JESUS, HEY I GOT ONE.

AND I THINK I'M STARTING TO FEEL SOMETHING.

I THINK THIS IS A GREAT IDEA--

ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M REALLY SORRY, I THINK YOU NEED

TO TAKE ME TO THE BATHROOM.

REALLY?

[ music stops ]

HEY, RON, I WAS GOING TO GO RIVER BOATING ON THE MISSISSIPPI

I NEED SOMETHING TO MEASURE DEPTH CAN I BORROW YOUR DICK?

YOU SHOULDA SEEN IT BEFORE,

THE END WAS ALL SWOLLEN.

IT LOOKED LIKE A GRAPE TOOTSIE POP.

HOW'S YOUR BACK NOT HURT?

HEY RON, HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD US

YOU HAD SUCH A HUGE DICK?

AH,

CAN YOU JUST...PACK, OKAY?

KYLE WHY WOULD HE TELL US HE HAD A BIG DICK?

WHAT'S THAT DOING OUT?

WHO WAS IN MY STUFF?

MR. DUK WAS IN HERE. HE WAS LOOKING THROUGH IT.

REALLY?

[ flushing sounds ]

HEY.

OH GOD. I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND, THANK YOU.

NO PROBLEM, YOU KNOW.

TELL ME I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING THAT WAS TOO EMBARRASSING.

I'M SO FUCKIN' EMBARRASSED RIGHT NOW.

NOTHING AT ALL.

REALLY? YEAH TOTALLY.

IT'S FINE.

I DIDN'T GET RENO 911.

SORRY.

YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU HOME?

TUCK YOU IN AND MAYBE--

WE COULD TALK, MAKE OUT--?

LIKE YOU SAID BEFORE.

NO, I THINK I JUST HAVE TO GO HOME.

SORRY I JUST DON'T FEEL WELL. OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU AGAIN.

SURE, SURE, SURE.

*

YEAH IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

IT IS, IT'S THE NICEST THING.

IT'S REALLY GREAT, THERE'S THIS ONE THING

THAT I DON'T GET, PERSONALLY.

AND THAT IS IT SAYS RIGHT HERE

"THIS SCHOOLGIRL IS IN FOR A SURPRISE.

SHE'S GOING TO GET A FACE FULL OF JIZZ,

AND SHE'S GOING TO LIKE IT."

"SHE'S GONNA LIKE IT." YEAH.

SO?

WHAT'S NOT TO GET?

WELL, WHICH ONE IS THE SURPRISE?

CAUSE "A SURPRISE." SINGULAR, ONE SURPRISE.

BUT IT SAYS SHE'S GOING TO GET A FACE FULL OF JIZZ

AND SHE'S ALSO GOING TO LIKE IT.

SO WHICH ONE IS THE SURPRISE?

WHAT? THAT SHE GETS BUNCH OF JIZZ ON HER FACE

AND SHE WASN'T EXPECTING IT,

OR THAT ONCE THE JIZZ IS ON HER FACE,

SHE FINDS THAT SHE ACTUALLY LIKES IT?

THEY'RE BOTH THE SURPRISE.

NO THEY CAN'T BE, THEY CAN'T BE

BECAUSE IT SAYS "A SURPRISE" RIGHT THERE ON THE BOX.

SO WHAT I'M PROPOSING TO YOU NOW IS THAT WE CHANGE THIS

TO "THIS SCHOOLGIRL IS IN FOR TWO SURPRISES."

"TWO SURPRISES-- NO "SOME SURPRISES..."

BECAUSE THEN THAT OPENS IT UP

AND THERE COULD BE THIS WHOLE BOX COULD BE--

HOW ABOUT THIS, YOU DON'T TAKE A DEMO. OKAY.

GO.

HEY SORRY, MAN, YOU CAN'T STAY HERE. OKAY.

*

*

*

*

*

TREE.