Original subtitles

Right, it's me next

Allez les grecs! Allez! Come come

- Missed - ltaly, ltaly

Now, you watch-a me

A goal for ltaly

We are the champions

Good evening! What's going on here?

We are playing the English game of shovling the halfpenny

ltaly against Greece

Si, me arbitro! Chicen

- Chicen? - Si

- When a player is off the side, chicen - lt's a foul

- Si! Foul, chicen! The same - Not quite the same

- Who's winning? - ltaly

- Good - Only just

- What's the score? - Six nil

Oh, very close!

- And what's that? - lt's... lt's...

- It's a water - Sure, it's water

- Water? That's wine - Wine?

Santa Maria! Another miracle

I don't wanna see that in this class again!

Right now back to your places everybody! Straighten up this table please

Rather than go straight on to a lesson

l thought it might be a good idea if we talked about what we did at the weekend

Give you all a chance to brush up on your English conversation

Now who should we start with? Danielle

How did you spend your weekend?

- I went to Brighton with my new boyfriend - Very nice

- And he was very naughty - Yes, people usually are in Brighton

No, he was naughty on the motorway

- The police were not very happy - l'm sure they wouldn't

They made him stop the car

- You mean he was driving at the time? - Of course!

How else would he be doing the hundred miles an hour?

- You mean he was speeding? - Yes

What did you think he was doing?

How about you Anna! Did you spend the weekend with your boyfriend?

- Nein, l have no boyfriend - That's a pity

- Everybody should have a boyfriend - l have no boyfriend

- l was referring to the girls now - A thousand apologies

l vonce had a bed experience with a boy

- A bed experience? - Ja

- He tried to get you into bed? - Nein

Not bed sleep! Bed, opposite of good

- Bad - Ja, bed

- What happened? - l cannot tell you! lt vos too awful

Japanese philosopher say "Confession velly good for soul"

Yes, tell us what happen

You don't have to if you don't want Anna

Maybe it's better I get it off my breast

- Chest - Ja

lt vas dreadful! l still blush ven l think of it

Yes perhaps, you'd better not tell us then

- She must - Most definitely! l am all earholes

lt was about five years ago

l was going out with this boy Kurt! l was young and innocent

One night, we had been in a beer garden

and we had been drinking a lots of Schnapps

Afterwards, l invited him up to my apartment for a coffee

Japanese philosopher also say

"Man who goes to radies appartment for dlink, usuary end up having nibble!"

l think we'll leave your Japanese philosopher out of it if you don't mind Taro!

Go on Anna

Vell, ve set together on the bed and he vos stroking my 'end

Which end?

- This 'end - Ah, your hand

Oh dear, l am thinking l am too young to be hearing any more

You may leave the room if you wish Ranjeet

Oh no, I stay! lt's good to be nkowing the ways of the world

What happen next Anna?

- Kurt vos kissing me on my neck - Sacre bleu!

Then he vos kissing me on the shoulder

Then he vos kissing me all over the place

Go on!

l vos feeling all romantic

Then with all the drink l had, and the warmth of his body by mine on the bed

l did something l have always been ashamed of

- What did you do? - l fell asleep

Santa Maria!

- Then l voke up and he vos gone - How sad

- Nevermind! Taro! - Aso

- How did you spend your weekend - l go to Parace

- Paris - Yes Sir

- A weekend in France? - No Flance, England-o

- Taro - Yes teacher?

- Paris is in France - No to, Buckingham Parace

Ah, Bucingham Palace! I follow you

- You forrow me? - Yes

l didn't see you then

l mean l understand you went to Buckingham Palace

- Yes, there l see loyal frago - Loyal frago?

- Royal flag - Aso

- Jamila - Yes

How did you spend your weekend?

- Weekend? - Yes

- What did you get up to? What did you do? - Jeeg Jeeg

- You went dancing? - No

Jeeg Jeeg! Fillum! Mowris Chevalay! For little girls

- Ah, Gigi! - Jeeg, jeeg

- Max - That's me

- How did you pass your weekend? - Saturday, l go to see the big fight

- A boxing match? - No a football match

Then, Sunday l tae my girlfriend to see the Tower of London

Very cultural! Did you see any Beefeaters?

- Beefeaters? - Yes

No, I only see people eating sandwiches

All right, all right! Very funny

- Juan - Si senor

- What happened to you at the weekend? - Por favor?

- How did you spend the weekend? - Por favore?

- Weeend! Semana - Ah si

Saturday l work in bar! Sunday l stay home

Por favore? I mean pardon?

- You slept - Si sleep

- l thought you were an RC - Por favore?

- Roman Catholic - Si Catolico

You said you slept! Surely you're supposed to go to church on Sundays

God he tell us six days you work!

On the seven day you rest! I rest

You big sinner!

- No sinner - Si

When you die, you not go to Heaven! You go down to hell

O! ls more of my friends downhell than upheaven!

You spend five minutes down there and you'll just be another Spanish omelet

Alright! Sit down Giovanni

- l presume you did go to church - Si, every Sunday l go to Mass

- You're a practising Catholic then? - No, no practise! l'm perfect

ln ltaly when l was a little boy l was gonna be a priest

- Really? What made you change you mind? - lt's like this

One day, the priest give a big sermon in the church!

All about women, girls and the pleasures of the flesh!

And the more he spoke, the more l realize what l would be missing

Excuse me Mr. Brown! Do you mind if l intrude for a moment?

No, not at all

The school is holding a draw next weekend

- And l'm selling tickets for it - Excuse me

- This drawer you are selling tickets for? - Yes?

What sort of drawer is it? ls is from the dressing table or what?

lt's not that sort of drawer Ranjeet

- lt's a raffle - A thousand apologies

lt's in a very good cause! The old pensioners

Ticets are 10p. Each! Who's going to buy some?

- What about you Mr. Singh? - Thank you very much, but l must decline

But it's for the old age pensioners

Yes but what am l going to be doing with one if l win?

- The pensioners aren't the prize - A thousand apologies again

The first prize is a weekend for two in Paris

l'll take one! l wouldn't say no to a weekend in Paris

Why not we share the ticket together? Maybe we can share the weekend too

- That is immoral - Yes but it's very nice

l'm sure that Mr. Brown wouldn't dream of doing any such thing

- Would you Mr. Brown? - No, of course not

l think l'll leave the tickets with you

Do you think you can get rid of two books?

- Well l... - Excellent

- Excuse please - Solly we are rate

We are delayed because of the reason of mist

- Mist? - Yes please

lt's a perfectly clear night! How can you have been delayed by mist?

We missed the bus!

Then we had to go to see the dressmakers for a fitting

- You're not having a dress made? - No not Ari, me

She is having a dress made for wedding

A wedding dress?

- You're getting married Su Lee? - Yes next week at Legistly Office

Well l must say you've kept quiet about that

- Oh blimey, she is being swept off her foot - Feet

And who's the lucky man? Do we now him?

Yes please! lt is me!

Enter

- Finished with your tray, love? - Yes thank you Gladys

- Tomorrow's the big day then - What big day?

- You now the wedding! Ali and Su Lee - Oh that! Yes

l had a long talk with the girl last week about her future

Oh, that was nice

However, in spite of all l said, she has decided to go through with it

There's nothing wrong in getting married

You ought to try it

l'm perfectly happy as l am! Thank you

- Miss Courtney? - Yes?

- Can l be a bit personal? - lf you must

- Have you never been with a man? - What do you mean?

- Well you now - Certainly not

l prefer a hot water bottle!

At least you can hold it against you without it getting amorous

Haven't you ever wanted to get married?

Well, there was one occasion, many years ago

A boy l was very fond of! ln fact we were inseparable! He asked me to elope with him

- How romantic! And did you? - Almost

We set off one morning for Gretna Green! But l'm afraid we never quite made it

- How far did you get? - Golders Green

My father caught up with us and dragged me back home

He forbade me to see that boy again! Said we were far too young

What a shame!

- How old were you? - He was eight and l was six

Oh still never mind deary! l'm sure that somewhere, someone is waiting for you

Then he'll have a very long wait

l have no intention of subjugating myself to any member of the male sex

So l take it you think women are equal to men

Certainly not! Women are far superior

- So you won't be at the wedding tomorrow? - No

l have better things to do with my time

Than go and watch two people embarking on such a foolish enterprise

Well l'm going! l love weddings!

l think they make a lovely couple

Help yourself everybody!

- Su Lee, for you - Thank you

And Ali for you! A lovely glass

- Sorry no! lt is against my religion to drink - lt is also against my religion

What's going on? Another miracle Giovanni?

No professori! We drink to the health of the happy couple

You have a glass

Well l suppose it is a special occasion

- Prego - Thank you

Well what about a little toast then?

We have no toast, only biscuits

- No, l mean a toast to Ali and Su Lee - We have no toast for them either

- To Ali and Su Lee - To Ali and Su Lee!

- May all your troubles be little ones - Little ones what?

lt's an old English expression! lt means to hope you have a family, a baby

Oh blimey, l am doing something about it last night!

Yes, l am preparing a little room for nursery

Please l am having a very funny thought

He is Pakistani! She is Chinese

lf they have a baby, it will be Pakinese

How dare you! l told you no to be insulting!

You ignorant son of a bearded poof!

Come on!

You brainless offspring of a camel!

All right, that will do! Come on

Let's not forget why we're here! You still have a lot to learn

Now back to your places everyone and put those glasses away

This evening l thought we try and have a group discussion

All right? Yes? We'll pick a subject then we'll all discuss it thoroughly

- Now what would you lie to discuss? - Girls

l don't think so Giovanni! Anybody has any other suggestion?

- Sport! - Sport

Yes, good idea! That's a good subject Max! Sport

Although most sports are international, there are of course various activities

Which are peculiar to individual countries

- For example, the national sport of France is - Football!

Good, well done Danielle!

- And the national sport of ltaly is... - Girls!

That is not a sport

Maybe not but it's more popular than football!

- Su Lee, what's the national sport of China? - China, excerrent at evelything

- Especially table tennis and athretics - Japan much more athretico

Champions of kalate!

Chinese Kung Fu much supelior to Japanese Kalate

Not so! l'm brack-o belt-o! Kung Fu much infelior

All right, that'll do for now!

We don't want any oriental punch ups! Go and sit down

Who can tell me what the national sport of England is?

- Yes Jamila? - Bally

- Bally? - Balling green! Bally

Bowls, yes but that's not exactly the national sport! That honor goes to cricket

Please, l not understand cricket

Well it's quite straight forward! There are two teams of eleven men each

One side goes in and the other side have to try and get them out

- l didn't now you could play it in the doors - lt's not played indoors

But how can somebody be h-out when he is already h-out

l'll try to explain

The team who is bowling is out on the field!

The team who is battling is in the Pavilion

Now the first two men, batsmen come out to go in

The first one to be out, goes back in and another batsman comes out to go in

- ls that clear so far? - Oh sure

When he's in, he's not really in he's out and when he's out, he's not really out he's in

- That's right - lt's crazy

Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown! You're wanted stright away. It's Miss Courtney

- She said it's very important - Yes, thank you Gladys

l shall be in a moment!

Giovanni would you take charge of the class while l'm away?

- Sure - Good and pick a subject

O! Now we talk about the girls

Enter!

- You sent for me Miss Courtney? - Yes

This is the teacher Mr. Brown

- l am hearing much about you - l hope it's all good

This young lady has called to see Mr. Nadim

Oh Ali, You're a friend of his then?

- More than a friend - You are his sisterm, right?

No, l am his wife!

Tonight after school, we take you in the pub

- Yes and we are having a big feast - Si big fiesta, plenty drink

lt is rast night-o of fleedom

Thank you please but it is not necessary! l do not drink

Don't be selfish!

lt is tradition the night before the wedding for the bridegroom to be slashed

l think you all men are male chauvinist pigs!

- Vy you not invite us to the pub? - What? And spoil the evening

You make your own fiesta

- We go to pub! All ladies - No prease

- Jamila's right! We 'ave our own celebration! - That's right!

- Ali - Yes please

- Can l see you please? - You are seeing me now

l want to see you in private! ln Miss Courtney's office!

- lt's rather very important - Okay

Excuse me! l will be back very soon my beloved

Ah l'amour! Toujours l'amour

l wander what vas so important for Mr. Brown to be telling Ali

Maybe he's gonna tell him the facts of life

- Sit down Ali - Thank you

Where's em...

- l've sent her to the tea room - Oh good!

l think it might be a good idea if Ali and l were left alone

Good! l think it might be a good idea if Ali and l were left alone

- l presume you'll speak to Miss Su Lee - You presume wrong

l think Mr. Nadim should do his own dirty work

- Well Ali - Yes please

- l'm not going to beat about the bush - What bush?

- l've just met your wife - Jelly good

- l must say it rather came as a shock - Excuse please, she's not all that bad looking

No, no, no Ali! Don't you understand? You're a married man

Oh yes!

Well then, how can you be possibly thinking of marrying Su Lee tomorrow?

- Why not? - lt's bigamy

Oh no, it's 'big of me'

Ali you don't understand! You can't have two wives

Oh yes please! lt is allowed by my religion!

lf the first wife is agreeable, the husband can take another

- You mean your wife doesn't mind? - Not at all

lt is to have the baby

- Baby? - Yes please

We have been trying now for four years and nothing is happening

So I am taking another wife, to have the babies

But it's against the law in this country

But they are not going to be finding out, are they?

Yes they are! Because I'm afraid l have to be telling them

Oh blimey

What am l going to be doing?

The first thing you should do is to tell Su Lee about your wife

- She is already knowing it - And she doesn't mind?

Not at all! She's been very much in love with me!

Well you'll just have to tell her the wedding's off

- She will be broken-hearted! - You should have thought of that before

- Come in - Excuse prease

- Miss Courtney say you want to see me - Yes come in Su Lee

- Ali has something to tell you - Yes Ali?

Well you see, what l am trying to say is...

There is something very important you must be knowing

What is it?

- Mr. Brown will be telling you - Ali?

Sit down Su Lee

l don't quite know how to put this, but it has to be said

l too have something to say

- lt's about the wedding - l cannot mally Ari

- You see, the point is... Pardon? - l cannot mally Ari

- Why can't you mally Ari... marry Ali - l am not in rove with him

But you must have said you wanted too surely

Yes l was just being solly for him at the time! But now l know it is not possible

How am l going to tell him?

- lt will bleak his heart - Don't worry Su Lee! l'll tell him

l'm sure l'll be able to let him down gently

You leave it to me! l'll sort it out

- Excuse please Mr. Brown - Yes, Ali

- Did you told Su Lee? - Yes

- Jelly good! Now I'm being happy with one wife - Good

l hope she didn't mind too badly of me!

Well, l was as tactful as l could be!

l told her it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

What a beautiful thought!

- Was she very sad? - Absolutely heartbroken

- Did you tell Ali Mr. Blown? - Yes Su Lee

l told him it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all

- Was he vely upset? - Broken-hearted

Now pay attention everybody! Ali and Su Lee have had a long discussion

And by mutual agreement have decided to call off their wedding

We've already booked the pub! We've ordered the toast and the drinks

- You'll just have to cancel it! - Excuse please

- You do not have to be canceling it - But we've nothing to cerebrate

Oh blimey, yes we have!

Oh blimey yes we have!

My lovely wife is telling me...

that l'm going to be a daddy at last

C'est merveilleux!

Come on everybody! To the pub!

lt's not time to go yet! lt's half an hour early! Come back!

Just a moment! Where do you all think you're going?

To the pub!

- Mr. Brown, that's most unsatisfactory - Well I agree

- What are you gonna do about it? - There's only one thing l can do

lf you can't beat them, join them!