Original subtitles

It is estimated that there are some 10 quintillion insects alive

at any one time. But forget about them.

This is about me, Lloyd. I'm a fly.

Finished. That's it. I'm all finished.

Oh, that's brilliant news, Gena.

Finished what?

My book. You know? The one I've been writing for ages.

You've written a book. What about?

"A Fly's Guide to Outdoor Survival

All You Need to Know to Survive Outdoors."

Cool!

What do you know about outdoor survival? We live in a compost bin.

Not always.

Your mum and me met outdoors, Lloyd. She saved me life.

From a badger. I wrote a whole chapter on it.

Aww. Aww.

No. It's like they say,

the best relationships are built on terrifying

and life-threatening ordeals.

Uh, this makes sense.

Obviously, this is where I get my bravery from, my mum.

I'm a born survivor of the outdoors, just like her.

Hm?

You've briefly been outdoors like twice,

and only to the windowsill.

And the doorstep, PB. And I survived both times.

I could survive much longer if I needed to.

Well, I could. I'll tell you what.

I'll go prove it. I'll go stay out there for a bit.

Mm. Best not, Lloyd.

Successful outdoor survival takes training.

Then train me.

There's no harm in polishing the natural survival skills

you've given me. Ha. Yeah.

Can I train, too? If it's no bother.

Oh, yeah. And I can help. Hm.

Well, I suppose it is worth preparing you for outdoor survival.

I did write the book on it.

You're all going to have a cracking time.

Oh, it's gonna be brutal.

Lesson one, Chapter one. Welcome to the great outdoors,

where you must survive on your wits, cunning, knowledge--

Anyone like a smoothie?

No, thank you, Cornea.

Why are we not learning how to survive outdoors, outdoors?

As I say in Chapter one, Lloyd,

"You have to flap before you can fly."

Well, that doesn't make any sense. I can already fly.

This is training before the main event.

Right, Mum? That's right.

When I say you're ready, we go outdoors.

Mmm.

Hm. Is that peach and I want to say... bacon fat?

That's right.

But be warned.

Outside, there are no cake crumbs, no bits of biscuit,

and no smoothies.

Ugh! What is this?

You don't want to know. But there is a lot of it outdoors.

And if you wanna survive, you'll have to learn to eat it.

Hm.

Ugh!

All gone.

If that's the worst thing the outdoors has to offer,

then bring it on.

Huh? OK, Lloyd. Don't say I didn't warn you.

On to Chapter two.

What to do if you find yourself faced with extreme weather.

This is not weather.

Hey! Quit it, PB.

Stop it. I'm the wind, Lloyd.

You can't stop the wind.

Any fly that wishes to survive outdoors

must acclimatise and adapt to freezing conditions.

Oh. Thank you, Abacus.

I feel acclimatised already.

Lloyd, you can't just sit on Abacus. He's your friend.

What? He offered.

I don't mind, Mrs Lloyd.

My shell blocks out the worst of the cold.

And what if Abacus isn't around for you to sit on? Hm?

Not around? Aah!

Why would I not be around?

Can we just skip ahead to the proper survival stuff now?

You'll miss a lot of good bits, flight fatigue, rain, windscreens.

But if you're sure.

The final chapter.

Tread carefully as we make our way through the long grass.

Carpet. Imagine it's grass.

Because in the outdoors, anything could lie hidden in wait.

Don't worry, Abacus. We've faced birds, spiders, nothing can...

Aah! I'm a hedgehog.

Um num, num, num, num, num, num.

Nobody said anything about hedgehogs.

So that is not... that's not fair.

That's why you have to keep your wits about you.

Grr! Badger attack! Badger, Badger, badger.

Chicks is right. Buck does that.

Well, that's not very fair.

Dad and PB are hardly effective stand ins for real predators.

I'm a spider, and I'll eat you. Aah!

Sorry, Lloyd. Did I overdo it? You did it just right, Julie.

Oh. Oh.

Eh, I'm fine.

Just trying to show what it would look like

if I was a fly who was scared.

Very convincing, Lloyd. Well done.

I'm just not sure you're ready, Lloyd.

There's far worse out there, you know?

Frogs. Actual badgers.

Fly zappers!

Fly zappers?

As in they zap flies? Can we take a quick break?

You know, Lloyd, you don't have to go outdoors if you don't want to.

What? No, of course I do.

All the sooner the better, in my opinion.

I just, um, need to give Abacus a quick pep talk.

Yeah, because he's worried about all this stuff.

Oh, it's OK, Lloyd. I'm fine.

No, Abacus. I think your pep is pretty low.

It is?

I'm really not sure about going outside, actually, Abacus,

the terrible food, the cold, the discomfort.

And it really sounds like everything wants to kill you.

Your mum certainly hasn't made the outdoors seem much fun.

If I go out there, I'll definitely get eaten.

Look at me, Abacus. I'm so tasty.

You're a real treat, Lloyd.

I don't know what to do.

Not going outdoors does seem like the best option.

No, I can't do that. It's in my blood. Born survivor.

If I give up, I'll be letting my mum down.

I don't think I like where this is going.

I have an idea, but I'll need your help.

And there I was, right under the snout of the badger,

about to get gobbled up when your wonderful mother

flew right in its ear, deep inside, and started buzzing about like...

Malcolm. You're spoiling the end.

You can read about it in my book.

Where's Lloyd? Are we ready to carry on?

Oh, no. Lloyd said to tell you he's already gone outdoors.

Outdoors? Real, actual outdoors?

With all the associated dangers his mum told him about?

Yes. He said he was popping out into the big old garden...

...and not to stop him.

Where is he? Oh. Oh.

Oh, what's he thinking? Get back in here, Lloyd.

You're not ready.

Right. So if you've all had a good look at him.

Lloyd told me to tell you, he'll be back inside later.

So if you can all just be on your way.

Wait, hang on, hang on.

If I've learnt one thing today...

One thing?

It's that Abacus is always around Lloyd.

So why isn't Abacus outdoors with Lloyd, too?

Abacus?

Um... Bird!

Oh, no. Lloyd?

Lloyd! Lloyd!

Stay here. No, Gena. Not on your own.

I don't want anyone else getting eaten.

Lloyd!

Huh?

Stop, Mum, I'm here. I'm fine.

Lloyd? I thought you were about to be eaten alive.

What are you doing in here?

I'm not hiding.

I mean, I'm just, uh, taking a break from the great outdoors.

Uh...

I'm sorry, Mum. I just...

I wanted to show everyone that I take after you.

And after the training, the outdoors sounded too scary,

so I didn't want to let you down.

Let me down?

I never wanted you to go outdoors, Lloyd.

Why do you think I focused on all the worst aspects of it?

I don't want you endangering... Wait.

If you're in here, who's out there? Eh...

Lloyd's outdoor survival skills are sure to keep him safe.

He's fine.

Aah!

Probably not as bad as it looks.

Uh, that's not how a real fly's head comes off at all.

Aah! Huh?

How do you know how a real fly's head comes off?

You can read about it in my book.

Lloyd. You're alive.

He was in the keyhole. Eh?

Then who was... Aah!

Oh, that wasn't Lloyd. That was fake Lloyd.

Poor Floyd.

I can't believe you bottled out of going outdoors.

Hold on.

So this was all a big trick to make us think you were outdoors.

No. So, Mum started it.

She made the training as scary as possible

to put me off going outdoors.

Oh, so Lloyd tried to trick Gena, and Gena tried to trick Lloyd.

Sounds like you do take after me after all.

Except my trick worked.

That's a fly getting zapped.

That's smushed on a windscreen.

Hmm. That's smushed under a shoe.

That's drowning in a raindrop. That's a hedgehog attack.

Badger attack. Hmm.

And I call this one, bird massacre.

Ah, thank you, PB. They're very graphic.

Thank you. I ran out of red, so I had to start using purple.

But you get the idea.

Finished. It's all finished.

What's finished?

My book. I've written my own book on how to survive outdoors.

"Lloyd's Brilliant Guide to Outdoor Survival."

Chapter one, stay indoors.

That's it.

Yeah, well, Mum's book pretty much covers everything else.

Write what you know. Exactly.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation