Original subtitles

TYRANNIS: Ready? And...yank!

SHLUB: Keep pulling, and try not to smush my sensitive bits

in the window frame, but don't try too hard.

ASSKILL: Viscera!

VISCERA: Dad, what are you doing here?

ASSKILL: I'd ask you the same thing,

but it's clear from context clues

you're pulling Shlub out of a molasses shop.

I came as soon as I heard about Bloodmouth.

TYRANNIS: Your boyfriend? What happened to him?

VISCERA: Oh, I forgot to mention, he died.

TYRANNIS: He what? VISCERA: He turned into soup.

TYRANNIS: But didn't you like him?

VISCERA: I did. What are you gonna do?

Oh, my god, the cultural differences.

ASSKILL: Well, you're not gonna have to worry about those much longer.

I'm ending my daughter's exile and bringing her home.

You can't just bring me home. I make my own decisions.

ASSKILL: I know, I know. So, I've made it an easy one.

This is Bloodmouth's brother, Bloodmouthbrother.

Tricky naming system,

but I think I'm starting to decode it.

ASSKILL: Bloodmouthbrother is

more physically desirable than Bloodmouth.

He'll give you many heirs and nearly as many orgasms.

VISCERA: I'm listening. TYRANNIS: What?

But what about us? VISCERA: What do you mean "us"?

TYRANNIS: Our "will-they-won't-they."

VISCERA: Will they what? ASSKILL: Your huh?

TYRANNIS: You know, when two people are clearly falling in love,

but a drawn out series of obstacles and misunderstandings

keep them from entering a romantic relationship.

VISCERA: Oh, we call that a "can-he-should-he."

Wait, so you're saying this whole time

you were having feelings for me?

Yes.

I guess you weren't.

VISCERA: I assumed you weren't. TYRANNIS: How...?

I mean, was it not obvious?

VISCERA: You never gave me a severed hand.

Oh, my god, the cultural differences.

OK, so, well,

how do you resolve a will-they-won't-they?

TYRANNIS: Typically, there's an argument or something

where they're yelling at each other

and the man says, "I love you, damn it."

And then they kiss.

VISCERA: So, do it, you moron.

TYRANNIS: I love you, damn it!

BLOODMOUTHBROTHER: So I put on my fancy skull for nothing?

SHLUB: Is that tongue? I'm not hearing any tongue.

♪

VISCERA: Wow.

He can and he did.

TYRANNIS: I'm sorry about when the starfish

got stuck to my butt,

I still have to seal some entry points in the boat.

VISCERA: Ty, shush, it was great.

So with the will-they-won't-they.

You know, we've had the confessions of love,

the kiss, the sex.

TYRANNIS: I like that part. VISCERA: What comes next?

TYRANNIS Well, the rest of our lives?

VISCERA: Wow. TYRANNIS: No.

[Clears throat] I mean, not that necessarily.

If that's not what you want, I can adjust.

I'm much more flexible emotionally than I am physically.

VISCERA: [Chuckles]

No, I was just taken aback.

TYRANNIS: Twice in one morning. VISCERA: [Scoffs]

You idiot. Seriously, though,

we probably owe ourselves a bit of a bigger conversation

for a topic like "the rest of our lives."

TYRANNIS: Absolutely. But before we dive into that,

do you think we could possibly--?

You want to go ring the sex bell?

It's not gonna ring itself! That's the masturbation bell.

[Bell ringing]

SHLUB: Hooray! STUPENDOUS: Ho, ho!

Somebody's ringing the sex bell.

TYRANNIS: Yep. Got the girl, so to speak.

SHLUB: Very proud of you, son.

TYRANNIS: Story concluded.

VISCERA: I think maybe story just getting started?

TYRANNIS: Right. But also, meanwhile, got the girl.

MESSENGER: [Pants]

A message for the king.

TYRANNIS: Yes, what is it? MESSENGER: Just a second.

I ran all day to get here. This is a personal best.

TYRANNIS: Ugh, you're that messenger

who's obnoxious about running.

MESSENGER: Hey, I discovered something I love.

It's obnoxious to talk about it?

Just deliver the message.

Timothy the Incredible and his ships

are in route to Krapopolis.

STUPENDOUS: Oh, no! Dad, this is bad.

Timothy the Incredible is a conqueror.

SHLUB: So what if he likes other men to watch him with their wives?

Who are we to judge? STUPENDOUS: Not that kind!

DELIRIA: Do you feel it opening your pores?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Getting my gills too.

APOLLO: Deliria!

DELIRIA: Oh, hello, frenemies.

To what don't I owe the displeasure?

Oh, hold on. Let me try that again.

APOLLO: You claim to have been hanging out with our dad, Zeus.

Claim? I'm a goddess queen.

Of course, the king of the gods is my friend.

HERMES: Right. That's the part we're not sure is totally real.

DELIRIA: Of course it is.

He and I just went to a music festival together.

HERMES: What kind of acts did you hear?

DELIRIA: None of them, really.

We were there to kill and maim musicians

who took themselves too seriously.

APOLLO: That does sound like Dad.

ATHENA: Enough! We haven't seen Zeus in years.

If you're really hanging out with him,

bring him to us.

HERMES: And, if you could, a covered dish.

Just figured we'd make a thing of it.

APOLLO: And if you fail to produce him,

we'll be forced to render the punishment

for lying to gods.

ATHENA: Strong god exit.

Also, a main would be great,

because right now we have enough people

on dessert and salad.

HIPPOCAMPUS: So what was that about with Zeus?

DELIRIA: There's something I should tell you.

[Concerned murmurs]

TYRANNIS: Wait, Stupe, we've got this, right?

STUPENDOUS: Got this?

Our military's no match for that.

Look at their boats. They stay up in water.

TYRANNIS: Well, I can see how that would be an advantage.

But so what? You're the best.

You're not gonna let Krapopolis get conquered.

STUPENDOUS: Maybe at my peak, I wouldn't gonna let them.

But I don't know how to tell you this.

I'm stretched thin. I had to get a second job.

TYRANNIS: What? Why?

Because of Dad.

As king, you weren't very sexy.

TYRANNIS: Is this relevant? STUPENDOUS: Very!

Under Dad's much, much sexier rule,

the city had a baby boom.

TYRANNIS: So, this is gonna be, like, a whole story?

STUPENDOUS: Dad's reign created endless babies

and endless demand for baby food.

I was caught in constant trade wars

for bananas, peas, peaches, all the nom-noms.

TYRANNIS: When was this, did you say?

What was the time frame? STUPENDOUS: I realized

the only way to end the bloodshed

was to plant our own easily-gummed crops.

So I did.

Each morning I rise before dawn to plant.

Each night, I dream of war.

I'm a soldier and a farmer now, Ty.

TYRANNIS: You could have just said that.

Are they moving very slow

or is our harbor deceptively huge?

HIPPOCAMPUS: This is Zeus?

DELIRIA: Yes, he's in somewhat of a vegetative state.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Is that part of him in the form of--

DELIRIA: A giraffe, yes. HIPPOCAMPUS: And he's--

DELIRIA: For all infinity, yes. It seems self-explanatory to me.

Well, I guess if you have infinite power,

you keep looking for bigger thrills.

OK, so Zeus is taking care of himself

and you told the other gods he was hanging out with you

so you could lord your status over them.

Incredible power grab, by the way. Love it.

DELIRIA: Thank you, but you see the problem.

If they see him like this,

they'll know they've been smooching my butt

under false pretenses.

But what if they don't see him like this?

You know I can make copies of people, right?

DELIRIA: What, you mean those lumbering, murderous Hippo 2s?

The latest update has some great performance and bug fixes,

like they won't rise up and murder everybody anymore

nearly as often.

And I added a kill switch that makes them explode.

You're telling me that you might be able to make a copy of Zeus?

HIPPOCAMPUS: Sure, and once they see Zeus 2

and believe you two are best friends,

you can go back to making those suckers

do whatever you want.

DELIRIA: Hippo, you're a lifesaver.

HIPPOCAMPUS: I mean, ratio-wise, I'm much more of a life-taker,

but I'll accept the compliment.

TYRANNIS: Guess we could've gone back to the palace,

gotten a few things done.

You know what, it's probably going to be the thing

where you go to the bathroom,

and that's when the food arrives.

I better stay. STUPENDOUS: So, are we fighting

these guys to the death, or just surrendering?

TYRANNIS: Neither would be the plan, at least.

Dad, I'm counting on you to sweet-talk

your way out of this invasion.

TIMOTHY: I don't like the term "invasion."

TYRANNIS: [Screams] TIMOTHY: I prefer

"self-driven welcome."

TIMOTHY: King Shlub, it's an honor.

What a beautiful city you have here.

I'm Tim...othy. The incredible.

TYRANNIS: So we gathered.

TIMOTHY: Tyrannis and Stupendous, I assume.

And the lovely second-in-command, Viscera.

I like to do my research.

TYRANNIS: The better to plunder and pillage.

TIMOTHY: OK, I get it.

You're all worried about "the conqueror" thing.

And I used to be a real slash-and-burn guy,

until I did some conquering in the East

and discovered meditation.

STUPENDOUS: Meditation?

TIMOTHY: I sit on a pillow for 20 minutes a day,

six times a day, and it makes me calmer

and better than everyone else.

So, instead of choosing violence,

I choose to make you a deal.

This is what Krapopolis currently looks like.

TYRANNIS: OK, sort of.

TIMOTHY: And here's what it could look like.

CITIZENS: [Gasp and murmur]

TYRANNIS: What are you oohing and aahing about?

They're just rectangles.

JOSHUA: Nicer rectangles than we have.

TIMOTHY: You join my empire,

and I bring your city into the future.

How do public bathrooms sound to you?

TYRANNIS: We already have public bathrooms.

VISCERA: Yeah, those mostly get used for sex.

TIMOTHY: We'll also have public sex rooms.

The Timpire allows us to take the best

of every city we conquer and bring it to the new ones,

creating a homogenous city-user experience.

JOSHUA: Sounds pretty great to me.

TYRANNIS: Are you kidding? Don't fall for this.

This is a complete invasion.

We can't let him do this to our city.

MIRIAM: Do what? Improve it?

TYRANNIS: We'd be giving up everything we've worked for.

KAYLEIGH: Hey, why are you standing looking at us?

You're not even king anymore. You've got to stand here now.

CITIZENS: Tim! Tim! Tim! TYRANNIS: No, don't do this.

KAYLEIGH: When you stand here, you say the same thing.

TYRANNIS: Dad, you're not gonna let this happen, are you?

EVERYONE: Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

Tim! Tim!

ATHENA: Well, well, well. Look who's here.

APOLLO: And I don't see Zeus.

HERMES: And I don't see a covered dish.

DELIRIA: Relax.

You know big Zeus. Always has to make an entrance.

He'll be here. ATHENA: He better be.

Unless the whole "goddess queen, best-friends-with-Zeus" thing

is some kind of ruse.

Ruse? Zeus and I are best friends.

He and I just went to a paint-your-own-pottery class.

APOLLO: Really? And what did you and Zeus make?

DELIRIA: I made a spoon rest.

He killed everyone there and impregnated the kiln.

APOLLO: Yeah, that does sound like Dad.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Hey, everybody! Sorry I'm late.

I was just picking up the king of all gods!

APOLLO: Oh, my good god!

ZEUS 2: Ho, ho, ho!

DELIRIA: "Ho, ho, ho"?

ATHENA: You seem...different.

APOLLO: Yeah. He looks like Dad, but--

[Chuckles]

[Clears throat]

ZEUS 2: Ho, ho, ho!

More ham!

HERMES: This is why we need an accurate headcount.

I knew I didn't buy enough ham!

TIMOTHY: So, shall we get down to bronze tax?

Let's talk about this merger.

TYRANNIS: You mean surrender. TIMOTHY: Hey, man.

All I want is for everybody to come into the future with me.

And in return, all I get is control of a vast empire.

It's a win-win.

It's not a win-win. It's a lose-win.

TIMOTHY: Ty, you seem like a great guy,

but I'm talking to the king right now.

Shlub, I hear you like being a do-nothing, screw-around king?

SHLUB: Not in that order.

TIMOTHY: Well, that's the beauty of this.

You can keep doing that. Be a figurehead.

There's jobs for everybody in the Timpire.

Stupe, what do you want?

I always need generals for my super army.

Wow. That sounds like one job instead of two.

I'm also a farmer.

TYRANNIS: Yeah, yeah. That's been covered.

TIMOTHY: Viscera, there'd be a place for you

to help build civilizations.

TYRANNIS: Uh, pretty sure she's gonna stay put.

We've just started a relationship.

I got the girl. VISCERA: [Sighs]

TYRANNIS: I mean, I know we still have to have a talk,

but you know, you really came at an inopportune time.

TIMOTHY: All right, well, sleep on it.

I'll be on my boat.

TYRANNIS: Have you all lost your minds?

Dad, you realize joining the Timpire

means you'd give up all control of the city as king?

Being king has been a lot of work.

Exactly what part of it has been a lot of work?

The work part.

Not to mention the ongoing problem

with people cacking on the floor of the sex rooms.

TYRANNIS: They're bathrooms!

And that's you who's been doing it on the floor.

And doing it on the floor.

[Sighs]

Well, it seems like I'm the only one

still holding on here.

Maybe what I've been holding on to is already gone.

I guess when I started this city,

in a way, all I was really looking for was--

STUPENDOUS: This isn't gonna be a whole story, is it?

See? See how that feels?

ZEUS 2: [Laughs]

DELIRIA: This thing is behaving nothing like the real Zeus.

How did you get this so wrong?

HIPPOCAMPUS: I had to use whatever source material was available.

DELIRIA: What source material was available?

ZEUS 2: Meow!

DELIRIA: Oh. ATHENA: That's it.

Something's wrong with Dad.

Nobody leaves until we find out why he's not being scary

or zotting everybody with lightning.

HERMES: I'm back. I brought more ham.

[Gasps]

[Apollo, Hermes, and Athena scream]

HIPPOCAMPUS: Kill switch was in my pocket.

DELIRIA: I gathered that.

TYRANNIS: Excuse me, what are those markings on the buildings?

SCOTT: These are the things we're getting rid of.

TYRANNIS: It looks like everything. SCOTT: Oh.

I mean, why not put the marks

on the stuff you're not getting rid of?

SCOTT: Oh, boy. Guys, we're starting over!

TYRANNIS: [Sighs]

VISCERA: So, you're really OK with this?

Yes, I am. It's time for something new.

VISCERA: About that. There's something else.

I think I want to go with him, too.

It just sounds so juicy, you know?

Traveling the world,

bringing civilization to everyone.

TYRANNIS: It does sound "juicy," as you put it,

but I got the girl?

DELIRIA: Well, the girl got a job.

TYRANNIS: Sorry, I guess maybe that's enough

of the "got-the-girl" stuff, huh?

No, you know what? I'm gonna triple down on it.

I'm pretty sure this is a situation

where the more you hear it,

the more it's gonna start sounding good.

VISCERA: Yeah, I don't think so.

But I wanted to say you're welcome to come with me

if you're really able to leave Krapopolis behind.

TYRANNIS: Are you kidding? It's not even my city anymore.

I mean, if you'll have me, I would love to travel the world with you

and maybe find a job for myself in the Timpire.

VISCERA: Really? Ty!

TYRANNIS: Could you give me just one minute

to say my farewells?

VISCERA: Of course. Take your time.

Well, goodbye, Krap.

[Sobs]

No, can't do it.

No goodbyes. I'll just process it in retrospect.

Oh, no. I've made a huge mess.

MAN: Ew! Who did this in the sex room?

SHLUB: Two messes.

Three!

TIMOTHY: Ty, I am so glad to hear

you and Viscera will be joining my crew.

TYRANNIS: No, I'm glad.

And sorry again for interrupting when you were meditating.

TIMOTHY: See, no, you don't understand.

Being seen meditating

is actually the best part of meditating.

That and the peace.

TYRANNIS: Isn't it just sitting?

TIMOTHY: Yeah, and I did 22 full minutes of it.

You can do anything to me right now.

I won't care. TYRANNIS: Dad!

GUARD 1: We caught him drilling into the side of the ship

with a wine opener. GUARD 2: I think he was trying

really inefficiently to make a hole.

SHLUB: It's called sabotage. TYRANNIS: But, Dad, why?

You already agreed to give Tim the city.

But I saw how much it means to you.

This city is your identity.

It's called bittersweet.

SHLUB: How am I supposed to know the difference

between one sad face and another?

TYRANNIS: Don't you see? I got the girl.

It's time to move on.

SHLUB: That is so beautiful, my son.

Is this the part where I say "go to her"?

TYRANNIS: Yes. SHLUB: Go to her!

I'm sorry for the business with the corkscrew,

but you get it. Fatherly love.

TIMOTHY: Yeah, and I think it's super sweet.

And you know what?

You put a little hole in my boat, I can overlook that.

TYRANNIS: Dad, did you set the ship on fire?

SHLUB: Oh, yes, I forgot. I set all Tim's ships on fire.

I wasn't 100% on the corkscrew plan.

TIMOTHY: OK, now I am upset. This is my whole armada.

It doesn't sit right.

I'm gonna have to retaliate,

maybe devote my life to your destruction.

I mean, I'm at peace with myself,

but I'm not gonna be a doormat.

I am really very, very mad.

SHLUB: See? You still don't sound mad.

TYRANNIS: OK, we seriously have to start meditating.

ATHENA: He exploded?

APOLLO: Yeah, does that mean he's dead?

Does that mean we can explode, too?

HIPPOCAMPUS: OK, so I know this looks bad, but...

DELIRIA: God, I'm going to get sent to Tartarus

and get some sort of stupid ironic punishment, aren't I?

Which is ironic, because I hate irony the most.

ATHENA: Well, I don't know if we can explode or not,

but one thing I do know is Dad is gone.

EVERYONE: [Cheering]

HIPPOCAMPUS: OK, unexpected twist.

DELIRIA: Hold on, you're happy?

ATHENA: Sorry, darling, I know he was your friend,

but I don't think anyone here isn't relieved

that he's a pile of meat now. [giggles]

DELIRIA: I can't believe we're about to get away with this.

APOLLO: What? HERMES: She didn't.

APOLLO: "Get away with this"?

ATHENA: Now that the king of all the gods is dead,

all bets are off, bitch.

HIPPOCAMPUS: What are you gonna do?

APOLLO: I think the question is, what are we not gonna do?

[Laughing]

HIPPOCAMPUS: Should we--?

DELIRIA: Yes, they're going to be laughing for a while, I think.

TYRANNIS: Great news, everybody. The city is saved.

KAYLEIGH: From what?

Large-scale infrastructural improvements?

TYRANNIS: We won't be joining Timothy the Incredible.

Krapopolis will be free.

KAYLEIGH: Of what?

Large-scale infrastructural improvements?

TYRANNIS: Yeah, OK, Kayleigh, we heard you the first time.

MIRIAM: You scuttled the deal? SHLUB: No, I scuttled the deal.

SCOTT: No, I scuttled the deal.

TYRANNIS: Scott, we're not doing that bit.

The deal is scuttled, OK? Let's just say that.

KAYLEIGH: But we wanted to join Tim!

He's so rich and calm from being so rich.

JOSHUA: When we thought we were getting new buildings,

we got super drunk and trashed the old ones.

MIRIAM: Yeah, we messed this place up good.

TYRANNIS: And we'll fix it. Right, Dad?

SHLUB: I couldn't possibly care any less.

VISCERA: Uh, why are we hugging?

Oh, god, you scuttled the deal.

HIPPOCAMPUS: OK, before you get mad,

the gods definitely believed that was Zeus back there.

DELIRIA: Until he exploded

and the gods vowed to take vengeance upon us.

But we can survive that, right?

DELIRIA: Oh, absolutely not. We are completely screwed.

That's why I brought us the biggest weapon imaginable.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Is that--? DELIRIA: The comatose body of the real Zeus.

Yes, I stole it while those three idiots

were busy break dancing about his death.

I un-giraffed him,

because I wasn't about to carry that whole monstrosity.

HIPPOCAMPUS: Ugh, look how chapped his lips are.

So we're just gonna keep him here

and then it's gonna work out well for us?

DELIRIA: Oh, stop poking holes. We own Zeus now.

Owning Zeus sounds like a good thing.

That's as far as I got with it. HIPPOCAMPUS: Sounds like a plan.

Barely.

TYRANNIS: I know you were excited

about setting off with Tim, but--

VISCERA: Ty, I'm still going with Tim.

TYRANNIS: What? VISCERA: He still wants me

because I'm not the one who burned his armada and stuff.

Oh, uh,

and I guess obviously I'm not still invited, so--

VISCERA: I'm sorry, Ty. I have to make my mark.

Just like you did with this city.

Tell me, does it ever happen in a will-they-won't-they

that it seems like they won't,

but then somehow, someday they actually do?

TYRANNIS: I sure hope so.

I mean, yes, that basically always happens

in will-they-won't-theys.

VISCERA: Hey, Timothy wants to conquer you guys.

Maybe I'll invade you. TYRANNIS: Maybe I'll let you.

Heard it, rescinded.

VISCERA: [Chuckles]

You're stupid.

TYRANNIS: OK, so I just want to make sure

how utterly and thoroughly screwed we are.

STUPENDOUS: Me too. It affects how much dessert I get to eat.

TYRANNIS: So, we've got a promised invasion

by Timothy the Incredible,

a seemingly very likely revenge war from the gods,

is that right? DELIRIA: Guaranteed.

I'd say guaranteed.

TYRANNIS: I lost the girl, and...is there anything else?

SHLUB: Hippocampus,

did you know you've got Zeus in your lab?

It seems he's quite upset.

[Grunts]

[Scream]

ZEUS: Deliria, you took away

the most important thing in my life.

HIPPOCAMPUS: What? Putting yourself in a coma so you can--

ZEUS: Yes! So now I take away

the most important thing in yours.

SHLUB: Quick! Tell him the most important thing

in your life is that spoon.

Could have worked.

[Scream]

Oowee! Flip my flippers and call me Willy,

because that was a pack of smickle-smack

if I ever saw one.

Did you see that?

Let's go back.

Did Shlub get kilt? It looks like Shlub got kilt.

I mean, he can't be kilt. Or could he?

Never do know with this program.

After all, Ty was king two seasons,

then they swapped in Shlub.

I thought he'd be back in the throne

before "Bob's Burgers,"

but they followed right the heck on through.

Like me following you

right on through into your bedroom

without you knowing

when you're done watching this episode.

[Laughs]

I won't do that, far as you'll ever know.

Either way, these Krappy kids got more cliffhangers

than a Lithgow-Rooker-Stallone hall of mirrors

in 1993.

They got that Timpire violent revenge,

Viscera off to join them, gods all mad at Deliria,

though they still think Zeus blew up,

so that could throw a mess of frogs

in their watermill gears.

[Laughs]

And speaking of Zeus, what do we think?

He's not just gonna go away

now that he woke up all angry and killed Shlub.

If that's what he did do, kill Shlub.

Is that what he did? Did he kill Shlub?

To find out, we're just gonna have to wait till season four.

Or was it five? I lost track.

Think they renewed it till season 12.

That make you mad?

You can tell me all about it inside the coffin

you're gonna wake up in.

Gonna be pitch black in there,

but you can count on me being there with you.

All ears and ready to listen.

Till your oxygen runs out.

[Laughs]

Well, I'm your Crazy Narrator Man,

and I'll be reading what you put on the Reddits,

so be nice, now!

MAN: Did you get any of that?

MAN 2: Bento.