All language subtitles for Jimmy Carr - 2010 A - Making People Laugh

== Sub by Aycee ==

♪ I got a feeling ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good night ♪

- Good night. Good night.
- Hey, Jimmy!

That tonight's gonna be
a good, good night

Hi!

Whoo-hoo

Cor. Good.

Well, you seem more excited than me,
and I've seen the fucking show.

Good manners are disappearing.

When I was a lad
it was considered polite

to tap a lady on the head
before ejaculating.

I know.

You know why kids wear their trousers
slung low with no belt?

It's cos they're dicks.

True story.

I attempted suicide once,

came pretty close,

killed the guy standing next to me.

It's all right, it was a Goth,
it's what he would have wanted.

Whenever my girlfriend says,
"Fucking men!"

I always think,
"Yeah, that is the alternative."

- What? What, sorry?

- Tosser!
- Tosser?

Right.

Just a rand... Just "tosser"?

You know you're in fucking Glasgow,
don't you,

where someone pays you 22.50
to tell you to fuck off.

Fair enough, fill your boots.

On average,
in the Northern hemisphere,

January is the coldest month
of the year.

But if you were in Australia,

you'd be surrounded by cunts.

Any Australians in?

Yeah!

Welcome back.

I'll tell you why there's no women's boxing.

The weigh-in.

The fight would happen then and there.

Per square inch of head,

people with red hair have 750 fewer friends
than normal people.

A lot, isn't it?

Are there any redheads in?

Yes!

Ugh.

I think I'm all right if I look away.

My partner recently lost 11 stone.

Well, I say that. I left her.

Fat cow.

A lot of people
like to smoke cigarettes after sex,

but you can't buy cigarettes
until you're 16,

so I have to get them for both of us.

You think its wrong I'm buying
a 15-year-old girl cigarettes?

You think it's wrong I'm fucking her?

I'm kidding.

Kidding does sound like a verb
for child abuse, doesn't it?

I'm kidding.

Are you joking or touching kids?

Women say they want their ideal man
to be the outdoors type,

the kind of man that enjoys
long walks in the countryside.

Women say they want their ideal man
to be the kind of man that'll take control,

the kind of man
that's not afraid to take a few risks.

Basically what you're saying, ladies,
is your ideal man is a rapist.

And it's true, if you're a rapist you've got
pretty much your pick of women.

It's funny cos it's true.

Well, I thought I'd kick off with some jokes,
Glasgow, not fuck about too much.

I'll pause for breath and say hello,
how are you, Glasgow, are you well?

Like an angry mob.

I thought we'd kick off properly.

We're in a beautiful room, the Armadillo
in Glasgow. Bloody marvellous.

I thought we'd start things properly, yeah?

Cos everyone's dressed up,
it's a Saturday night,

let's have a round of applause
for the ladies.

Let's have a round... Yeah. Let's have
a round of applause for the ladies.

Yeah. Yeah. Quite right. Yeah.

That's... Actually that's...
that's probably enough.

Looking round,
some of them have made no effort.

You've no made an effort,
have ye?

You've not made an effort, have ya?

Oh, bless him. Mongo no like.

Look at you.

Sorry, your comment there is that
I haven't made much of an effort?

Well, there's some cameras
and some fucking lights,

I don't know what you had in mind.
It's not like I come to your work

and knock the sailors' cocks
out of your mouth, is it?

Come on.

Seems like a very weird thing from quite
a tough-looking man from Glasgow to say.

"Oh, you've not made much of an effort.

"I thought you'd be dressed up prettier."

It's a little bit prison rape
coming from you, sir.

That's what it feels like.

There's an incredible amount of pressure
on women these days

to be beautiful and thin.
And all I can say is,

we've got some very brave girls
in here this evening, really.

Terrific stuff.

No, there are some stunning-looking women
in here this evening,

and some right dogs.

You know who you are.

I'm joking.

No one in here is stunning.

It's all right to make those kind of jokes
in comedy, because no one minds.

Like, occasionally someone will go,

"Oh, yeah, comedy,
it's the new rock 'n' roll."

It fucking isn't.

I'll tell you how comedy isn't rock 'n' roll -
there's no comedy groupies.

There's groupies in rock 'n' roll,
there's no groupies in comedy.

What girl is so into comedy she's gonna
come backstage and suck me off?

Well, might be a premature end
to the show.

Have her washed
and brought to my room.

I'm joking, don't wash her.

Seriously,
what girl is so into stand-up

she's going to come backstage
and suck me off just so she can go,

"That tastes funny."

It's a very fun job, this is all
I do for a living, I travel around,

I find large groups of people
with the same sense of humour as me

and then I tell them jokes
for the evening.

It means I get to go everywhere.

- Any Irish people in?
- Yes.

Oh, a few, not that many.

Sounds like the roads in Glasgow
are very nearly finished.

I was in Dublin recently doing a show

and I was there with a friend hanging out
for the day - what could be finer? -

and he dared me to say this
at the end of the show.

So right at the end of the show I went,

"Dublin, I don't know much
about Irish politics."

That was pretty much their reaction.

A couple of thousand people going,
"I bet you fucking don't, no."

I said, "I don't know much about..."
But he dared me to do it so I had to say it.

I said, "I don't know much
about Irish politics,

"I just think we should have
one Ireland united."

They were on their feet in Dublin,
"This guy is all right."

And then I added, "One Ireland united

"under British rule."

They went fucking spastic.

Any Welsh people in, any Welsh?

Just one. We seem to have
contained the problem. Good.

I'm loving the Welsh. Every time
I go to Wales I have a lovely time.

The people are very friendly, but I get
annoyed every time I go to Wales.

Not by the people, but by the signs.

All the signs in Wales. Road signs,
tourist information, shop signs.

Every fucking sign
has to be in English and Welsh.

Everything, English and Welsh.

It's ridiculous
cos it costs a fortune to do

and only five per cent of
the population of Wales can read.

Well, I like to think of myself
as an equal opportunities offender.

We've done the Irish, we've done
the Welsh. Any Scottish people in?

Imagine my surprise.

Here's a question for you,
my Scottish friends.

If you were a homeless alcoholic Scot
and you had Tourette's,

how would they ever know?

I'll tell you where's rough in England.

I was there recently and I didn't realise
it was meant to be rough, but Nottingham...

I didn't realise this, Nottingham
is the gun capital of Great Britain.

Tell you what Nottingham needs -
a sheriff.

It's quite a silly joke.

Are there any Scousers in?

Well, there's a few there, all right.
Hi, the Scousers. You well?

No.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, sorry, I forgot you were a Scouser
there for a second, I apologise.

That's awkward.

I'm not having a go at Liverpool,
I'm loving the Scousers.

It's a great place to do a gig.
It's got a similar feel to Glasgow.

People heckle quite a lot,
they join in,

they're quite up for it
and nice sense of humour.

Loving the Scouse crowd,
although I will say this about Liverpool -

Liverpool is the only city in Great Britain

where JD Sports
has an evening-wear department.

They've got a fucking bridal shop.

Can I interest madam
in an off-white tracksuit?

I always make a bit of an effort
when I'm travelling, doing this job,

I always make a bit of an effort
to do the accent of wherever I am,

and generally people take that well,
they like the fact that you've made an effort.

But sometimes people get chippy
if you don't get it right.

I was doing a gig
in the north of England

and this guy came up to me after
the show, quite aggressive. Yeah.

He said...
"All right, our kid?

"I don't think you've got
any fucking respect for this town.

"Try and do the voice,
we don't even fucking talk like tha'.

"Knobhead."

I said "No, you've got me all wrong,
I love Newcastle."

I've got a friend
that got into an argument

with a barmaid from Sunderland.

Long story short, he ended up calling her
a fat, ugly Geordie cunt.

And she said,

"I'm no a Geordie."

"I'm no a Geordie."

Sorry, that's a terrible accent.

But it is how they talk.

I'm always impressed...
I came up on the train.

Anyone that can get on a train...
Maybe some of you can do this.

Can any of you get on a train
and not have to ask, is it the right train?

I'm unable to do that.
Whenever I get on a train,

I've always got to find someone
who looks like a grown-up, to me,

and go, "Is this the right one?
Is this the one for Glasgow?"

We all know the answer,
cos we've all been asked by a tit like me,

the answer is always,
"Hope so."

"Hope so."

I've started doing it on planes.

I went on holiday recently,

and they told me on holiday, yeah,
in the hotel,

that they had special stuff
in the swimming pool

that turns the water purple
if you pee in the pool.

So I didn't pee in the pool.

I didn't realise they had stuff for shit.

But they clearly did, cos they were
onto me almost immediately.

I told them it was a brown shark.
They were having none of it.

I met a fat vegetarian.

I thought, "Well done."

"All that on salad, you go, girl."

Whatever I'm cooking, I always make sure
there are vegetarian options.

They can make do
or they can fuck off.

Women have a go at men
for overreacting to man flu,

but I think AIDS is pretty serious.

Near where I live in North London,
there's Hampstead Heath.

I don't know if you've heard
of Hampstead Heath,

but there are toilets on Hampstead Heath,
this parkland,

that are notorious for gay cruising.

This is where gay guys go
in North London

to hook up with other gay guys
of an evening,

the toilets on Hampstead Heath.

Now I live near there,
here's my question -

what happens if you just want a piss?

You're buggered.

Yeah, you can laugh -
I found out the hard way.

"The hard way" is not the phrase
to use there, is it?

I've got lots of gay friends.

I'm sure there are loads of gay men in,
a few certainly dotted around.

Are there gay men in?

Keeping it quiet in Glasgow.

I've got loads of gay friends, I'm sure there
are some gay men in this evening,

How do you decide
who goes where in a gay relationship?

When it's a man and a woman
you know what goes where,

pretty much, most of the time?

Apart from birthdays and Christmas.

That was a good little nudge.

"Told you that was normal."

But if it's two guys,
cos it's two guys,

is it like calling shotgun
in the car?

Cos I get annoyed if my friend
gets to sit in the front.

I'd be livid if he got to pop
his cock in my bum.

That is the face I would do.

Do you know how to tell
if someone's gay, Glasgow?

Do you know how to tell?
You know when you get a posh lady,

if a posh lady is drinking tea
from a cup and a saucer,

and she'll do the thing
with her pinkie, she'll do the...

"Oh, delicious, Morag.
Another scone?"

She's Scottish.

Anyway, she'll do the thing with the pinkie.

Well, if a guy does that
when he's sucking your cock...

Gay!

Well, you're sucking that like a poof,
you bender.

What is he like?

Don't get the wrong idea, Glasgow,
I'm not homophobic.

Anyone that says I'm homophobic
can suck my cock.

As long as he's not a fella,
cos that isn't natural.

I think I should be allowed
to tell these jokes

because although
I've never had sex with a man,

I have fucked a girl ugly enough
to count as a man.

My friend said that to me recently,
my friend Louise.

We were just chatting about nothing
and out of the blue she just went,

"I've never been to bed with an ugly man,
but I've woken up with a few."

So I said to her, "I've never been
to bed with an ugly girl,

"but I've fucked a few in car parks."

Sorry, I should clarify, car park
is just what I call the vagina.

Because of my name.

You don't look at all happy
with the euphemism "car park"

for the va-jay-jay.

I don't want to offend anyone
this evening.

The least offensive term,
probably front bottom.

So from here on in,
we'll call it a front bottom

and a back cunt. And then...

Who's seen me before, Glasgow?
Who's been to one of my shows before?

I always stick around at the end
of the show and say hi to people.

Frankly, the least I could do on a day out.

And the question I get asked
more than any other question,

after the gig people say to me,
"What's going on in your head?"

Well, often they don't phrase it like that,
they'll say, "What's wrong with you?"

So I thought this evening
what might be a fun thing to do

is to take you on a little guided tour
inside of my mind.

I've done pictures to illustrate

and I'll show you what's actually happening
up here. Oh, yes.

Sorry, I've just noticed some people
wearing masks of my face,

in what could only be described
as a fucking freaky incident.

Why have you... You've got a mask of my...
Could you just hold it up, so...

Could you turn that round, just so other
people can see how fucking freaky that is.

The odd thing about that is,

I was looking at you for a second,
I was going, "That looks familiar.

"That's something about...

"Hang on, I'm usually shaving
when this happens."

Thanks for fucking freaking me out
on the DVD record,

I really fucking appreciate it.

You crazy bint.
What's your name, madam?

- Claire.
- Claire. And what do you do, Claire?

- Er, student.
- Depends on the guy probably.

If it's a one-night stand
you really let your hair down.

What do you do for a living, Claire?

- Er, student.
- You're a student?

Ah, thus the free time

to be making masks
of comedians' faces.

And who are you here with,
who's your friend?

- I'm Lucinda.
- Is she your special friend?

Are you special friends?

Do you sometimes use the mask
and use a strap-on and pretend?

Yeah.

Pretend you're doing it
like normal people, yeah.

Sorry, that's how I laugh.

If I laugh at any point in the show,
it sounds like Elmo's being tickled,

or a seal is being sexually molested.

Thanks very much for making a mask,
thanks for making a fuss of me.

Right, sorry, I was going to take you
on a guided tour of my mind.

We'll kick off with some thoughts.

That's me, thinking.

Or shitting, it's unclear from that.

I don't really like the term shitting,
I find it a bit aggressive.

I prefer to say growing a tail.

It's nice to be nice, isn't it?

Right, some thoughts for Glasgow.

White-van drivers.

I don't know,
they think they own the road

with their flashing lights
and their sirens.

"Ooh, there's been an accident."

There fucking will be.

Of course, the thing they never do
on soaps is watch TV.

And that's because they'd see
all their dead friends on The Bill.

Have you just spotted the aids?
Well done.

Whenever I see a sticker on the back
of a car saying "Princess On Board"

it always makes me think of Diana.

I always think, "Don't upset
Prince Philip, you'll be fine."

What?

I didn't fucking kill her,
don't give me a hard time.

What super power
would I most like to have?

I've given that a lot of thought.

That's the sort of thing
men think about a lot.

What super power would be best?

I think invisibility would be
the coolest super power to have.

And really, the question is, if I was invisible
what would I do second?

I think we all know
what I would do first.

Let's face it, if I was invisible,

they'd think the ladies' changing rooms
were haunted.

Where's all this ectoplasm coming from?
It seems to be...

Something just tapped me on the head.

Manners cost nothing.

I have a lot of ideas

and I'd like to share some of my ideas
with Glasgow this evening.

Yes. I'd like to share some ideas
with all of you good people.

I'm working on a book at the moment,

it's about a zombie
that comes back from the dead,

but the twist is,
the zombie is the good guy.

But apparently it's already been done.
It's called the Bible.

It's annoying, isn't it?

I've had an idea for a TV show,
it's called Jim'll Fix lt.

It's just me spaying cats.

The first guy that persuaded a blind person
they needed sunglasses,

he must have been
a hell of a salesman.

There's a lot of problems
in the world,

so I like to do a little bit
of problem solving every day,

try and make the world
a slightly better place.

British women, that's you ladies,

British women last year
spent 280 million

removing unwanted body hair.

Surely it would be cheaper
and easier just to move to Germany.

If you're worried about
putting on a few extra pounds

and you want to be ready for next summer
with your beach body

why don't you visit Somalia
and get some fucking perspective?

There's people with real problems,
you fat cow.

I've solved another problem,
it's a little thing,

but little and often with problem solving
is the best way to do it.

I've invented a bird table
for my back garden.

It's three foot tall
and it saves a fortune on cat food.

I tell you who I think
should team up.

Neighbourhood Watch and peeping toms.

It's a good idea, isn't it?

A marriage made in heaven.

And it would add a new dimension
to the term "curtain twitching".

Curtain twitching could mean
checking up on the neighbours,

or curtain twitching,
female masturbation.

I feel we've crossed a line,
haven't we, Glasgow?

We've definitely crossed a line.

Facts.

We've all got loads of facts
inside our heads,

it's something to do
with living in this internet age.

British people are at least one inch
taller than we were 20 years ago

and that's because 20 years ago
we were all children.

40 per cent of people
use their mobile phone

to cheat on their partner.

I use Mr Tinkle.

Mr Tinkle is just a silly name I've got
for my tummy banana.

Most bingo winners don't tell
their other halves about their windfall

and that's because their husbands
are dead.

There are 427 licensed professional jockeys
currently working in the UK.

If you laid them all from end to end
they would stretch from here

to here.

An iguana can stay under water
for 28 minutes.

Or longer,
if you don't mind it dying.

Interesting little fact for you.

Obsessive Star Trek fans
are known as?

Yay!

Virgins.

Sorry.

- Are you a big Star Trek fan?
- Yes.

But how old are you?
Do you mind me asking?

You seem like... What, sorry?

- Twenty.
- Twenty?

Right, so definitely not a virgin
in Glasgow.

What do you do for a living?

- I'm a secretary.
- You're a secretary?

- Yes.
- Nice. Is it 1950 already?

- It's 2010 actually.
- What?

2010 actually.

All right. You seem a bit chippy.

Oh, it is Glasgow, sorry.

I'd love to chat more,
but I'm at work, so...

Here, this will cheer you up.

Oh, and you've gone for that, nice.

What a lady.

Let's talk about language.
I'm slightly obsessed by language.

I spend my life toying with it,
and messing round with it,

and trying to write jokes
for you good people to laugh at.

A lot of people don't like it
when language changes.

A lot of people don't like Starbucks,
for example,

because what was
small, medium and large,

is now tall, grande and venti.

But I like the fact
that I've now got a tall cock.

That's taken away
a lot of the stigma.

A lot of people change the language
that they use

so as not to offend certain
interest groups or individuals.

Which is fair enough,
you know how touchy queers are.

PC has ruined some things.

You can't say fruit salad any more,
it's now homosexual salad.

Which is mental,
because all salad is gay.

Cooee!

You've got to be very careful
in how you express yourself.

You could be saying the same thing,
but if you pick the wrong words,

you could cause offence
quite inadvertently.

I'll give you an example,
I'll read you two sentences.

The first one
is entirely inoffensive,

the second one,
well, it could be misconstrued.

I know, heaven forefend, but they both say
the same thing, interesting.

I fell into a hedge, cut my face,

and I can only partially remember
the evening.

It's fine, isn't it?
Much better than saying,

I fell into a bush, got gash on my face,
and can only remember snatches.

Doesn't maternity...

Maternity makes it sound
like you're going to be fat forever?

And some of you will be.

Doesn't Nazi gold
sound like a greatest hits?

Let's talk about fears,
our subconscious mind.

That's quite an interesting area,
isn't it? Yeah.

The best way
to conquer a fear of spiders

is next time you see a spider,

imagine it naked.

Has anyone got
like a morbid fear of spiders?

- Like a...
- Yes.

Someone's got one over there?

- My brother.
- Your brother has?

Well, so that's kind of...
Oh, he's here, it wasn't a random,

"I haven't got a phobia, but my brother has,
maybe you could help with that."

- What's your name?
- Kyle.

Kyle? And you speak for him?

When you say your brother
you're not from Paisley,

you're not going out or anything,
are you?

Oh, no, I'm just asking cos...

What do you do, Kyle?

Nothin' the noo but.

What, sorry?

Nothin' the noo.

Nothing the now?

It's a new...
Kyle and I are just workshopping,

we're coming up with a new children's
character for Scotland.

He's called Nothing the Now,

the unemployed donkey.

Nothing the now?
What the fuck is that, Kyle?

What do you do for a living?
You're unemployed.

- Aye.
- Aye.

- Yes.
- All right, well, good,

it was lovely having you here.

Especially as a lot of the taxpayers
paid for you to fucking be here.

Well...

Yeah. Let's face it, we're in Glasgow,

there's a lot of people
that applauded that

that have never paid any tax
in their fucking lives.

"'Ey, there's tax on spirits, isn't there?"

What I'd like to do, Kyle,
my gift to you,

give something back to the community,

not just put care in it,

I'd like to cure you of your fear of spiders.
You up for this?

Aye.

Like Derren Brown style with hypnosis,
cure your fear of spiders. You up for this?

- Aye.
- Fabulous. All right. Cos it's happening.

OK, imagine, Kyle,

you're at home, in bed,
under the duvet,

as snug as a bug in a rug, mmm.

And you're dreaming of whatever...

unemployed people
in Glasgow dream of.

I don't know, being on the Social
for another few years.

I don't fucking know.

"Ooh, and then I sign my name and
the cheques keep comin', oh, lovely."

OK, so you're at home in bed.

You're in the most safe and secure
environment you could possibly be in.

You're under the duvet,
safe and secure and warm, mmm.

Dreaming away.

A spider, Kyle, the size of my hand,

big hairy motherfucker,

crawls on your face
as you lie sleeping.

Doesn't wake you, Kyle,
you're still dreaming of nice things,

Buckfast and the like.

Just sits there for a while
on your face, Kyle, as you sleep.

Lays its eggs in your tear ducts...

...and scampers away

to its enormous, giant spider nest,
under your bed, where it lives.

You can check later if you like.

OK. You wake up in the morning,
fresh as a daisy, lovely,

ready for a busy day. Well...

You're awake anyway.

OK, so you're absolutely fine
the next morning.

About a week later, you're
sitting reading the paper, you know.

"That's a weird itch."

A thousand spiders
hatch out of your eyes!

Has that helped at all?

That needs work, doesn't it?
Sorry.

If it's any consolation,
it's only Kyle, doesn't matter.

Franklin D Roosevelt famously said,

"There is nothing to fear
but fear itself."

Of course, he's dead now.
Killed by a spider.

What I worry about, and I'm sure
many of you share my concerns,

I worry about climate change.

Climate change,
or to give it its official scientific name,

autumn.

Do you know, we produce
48 per cent more carbon emissions

than we used to in the 1970s?

But that figure could be halved
if you just divided it by two.

I'll tell what I do really worry about,

and I'm sure Kyle will be thinking
this is entirely justified,

I worry about going mad.

I've got a friend that went mad last year
and ended up killing himself.

He took everything
in the medicine cabinet.

Choked on a surgical bandage.

That's not how I would do it.
If I was going to kill myself,

I know what I would do,
I don't wanna be morbid,

but I know how I'd do it.

I would dress up as Superman
and jump off the top of a building.

How fucking awesome would that be?

And I would do it at four o'clock
in the afternoon during term time.

Cos you'd want a couple of hundred kids
going, "Wow, Superman!"

And then,
"Whoa, Fathers for Justice."

Rape.

Such a harsh word.

I prefer to say
when kiss-chase goes too far.

And what exactly is aggravated rape?

"Oh, not only did he rape me,
now I've missed my bus."

On the positive side, at least with Rohypnol
there are no bad memories.

What?

Let's talk about childhood, Glasgow.

Yeah. Childhood memories,
childhood thoughts, yeah.

One in ten British kids has never been
to a beach in this country.

Imagine that,
growing up without ever having seen

a dead cormorant
with a tampon on its head.

When I was a kid
I wanted to get a tattoo

but my parents said I had to get it
somewhere that didn't matter.

So I had it done in Hull.

Is anyone here from Hull?

- Yeah!
- Doesn't matter.

Here's an interesting thing,

you can have sex in this country
when you're 16,

but you can't buy pornography
until you're 18. That's an odd law.

You can have sex when you're 16,

but you're not allowed to watch other people
have sex for another two years.

So if you're 16, you can have sex,
just don't look down.

Let's talk about faith
and spirituality,

an important part of our psyches
I'm sure you will agree.

Christians say, and there may
be Christians in this evening,

Christians say,
"Jesus died for your sins, be good."

I say, "He's already dead, fuck it."

"What's he going to do, get deader?
Fill your fucking boots, mate."

Also, if he died for your sins
and you don't do any sins,

you've made him look a right cunt.

I don't believe in the paranormal
per se, but I do have a spirit guide.

Well, I say spirit guide,
you might call it a sat nav.

Paranormal
is actually derived from the Greek.

"Para" meaning "you're not",
and normal.

Let's talk about travel, yeah?

The main reason Americans...
Are there any Americans in?

For the best.

The main reason Americans
don't have passports

is they have trouble fitting
in the photo booth.

Luckily, they've developed Google Earth.

More than 2.3 million households
have no one in full-time work,

which is a convoluted way of saying
there is a place called Scotland.

- Ha! Really? Good luck.

Of course, not all Scottish people
are alcoholics,

a lot of you are recovering alcoholics
with drug problems.

Let's face facts, Glasgow,

if you Scottish ever find a way
to deep-fry whisky, you are fucked.

Interesting little fact for you -

hopscotch was originally invented
in Glasgow

by children trying to step over
their alcoholic parents.

True story.

Let's talk about some dumb things.
I see a lot of dumb signs.

I was in a supermarket, I saw a sign,
it said, "Buy two get one free."

But I only wanted one,
so I took the free one.

I don't want to show off
about my showbiz lifestyle,

but I was in a Yates's Wine Lodge...

Yeah, I was in a Yates' Wine Lodge
and I got talking to the barmaid.

I asked her how many types of wine
they did in Yates's Wine Lodge,

and she said, "Both."

Let's talk about some important
social issues.

There's a guy I work with, and every day
he has what looks like fish fingers.

I think he was in a fire.

Don't tell me
that's too brutal for Glasgow.

Most domestic fires
need just four things to start -

a source of oxygen, a source of heat,

gambling debts, and an up-to-date
insurance certificate.

I hate people that make loud noise
on public transport,

particularly explosions.

Annoying!

I got into an argument,

I said, "Women have a lower
pain threshold than men."

She said, "Try childbirth."

I said, "I have.
How do you think I got here?"

Do you know,
the NHS is currently so underfunded

that couples wanting IVF treatment
to help them conceive

are being told
to go and fuck themselves.

Remember, dogs die in hot cars,

or a heavy blow to the back
of the head will work just as well.

Oh, really?
That's the one that got you? OK.

I came home the other night and my
girlfriend was dressed up as a French maid.

Very disappointed,
the house was a fucking state.

Filthy slut.

Well, let's talk about love
and romance and sex.

Let's talk about sex, Glasgow.

There's a very commonly held belief that
men think about sex every seven seconds,

which I think makes
talking to your dad creepy.

British men spend, on average,
22 minutes on foreplay.

Of course, that is spread out between
all of us over the course of a year.

Women who read romance novels

have twice as much sex
as the national average.

Well, I say sex, what I mean is,
they yield the precious softness

of their silken female innocence
to the crushing firmness of his intent.

Sorry, I came over
all Catherine Cookson there.

That's not a great phrase to use.

That would be like painting
the Forth Bridge.

The average person has two pounds
of meat lodged in their colon.

So, come on, love...

Most people don't know this,
but confetti that you get at a wedding,

confetti represents fertility
and the seed of man.

Which is quite accurate cos a lot of it
does end up in the bride's hair.

Women have a go at men
because we're no good at multi-tasking,

but then you have a go at us
when we piss in the shower.

It's like we can't win.

Speaking of multi-tasking,
I had a threesome last week.

My girlfriend is pretty cool.

But if she finds out about this
I'm in trouble.

I did have a threesome.
I know what you're thinking,

"Yeah, probably you,
a girl and another bloke."

No. It was actually me
and two blokes.

That feels like enough from inside
my head, shall we leave it there?

Let's leave it there. Marvellous.

Yes, erm...

Do you ever do this,
do you get asked to do the washing-up

and you do it really badly, on purpose,
so you never get asked again?

Yes.

My girlfriend does that
with blowjobs.

Seriously, her blowjobs suck.

And it's not just me, a lot of
my friends have commented.

My girlfriend likes
to have the lights on during sex.

Cos she likes to be able to read.

Which I think is to be encouraged
in a girl of her age.

I'm kidding!

She's actually scared of the dark.

Some people like the lights on,
some have to have the lights off.

I like the lights on during sex,
my best mate likes to have the lights off.

And fair enough, his missus is a pig.

My girlfriend and I do a bit
of role play in the bedroom.

I pretend to be
a swarthy Italian Lothario,

and she pretends to be asleep.

She gets pretty into it.

Sometimes she's there
for seven or eight hours.

I'm actually quite conservative, sexually.

I tried S & M once.

Well, I say I tried S & M,
I punched a girl.

Who's in a long-term relationship?
Give us a shout if you are. Yes?

Yes!

Oh, loads of us, OK.
Well, you'll know as I know,

in a long-term relationship
it's all about compromise,

it's about finding that common ground
because if you're not both happy,

neither of you
can independently be happy.

No one's happy when the other half
has got a face on, are you?

You've got to find common ground.

Here's a good example of compromise,
this happens a lot in our house.

I want to go out for the evening, a night out,
she wants a romantic night in.

So, as a compromise, we go dogging.

We don't.

I suggested having sex outside once
and she went,

"What if someone comes?"

I said, "We'll go home."

OK, I've got a question
for the men of Glasgow, OK?

You're representing
the men of Britain this evening.

Got a question for you.

Has any man in this room
ever used the phrase "making love"?

No.
Never.

No, well no, of course fucking not.

Purely the preserve of the ladies,
ladies love that phrase, making love.

Making love. Hm.

Making love.

But you know why
it's called making love?

It's cos we're going
to make you do it, love.

Thanks very much.

"Fuckin' right."

I got stopped
by one of those charity muggers.

You know the ones,
with the clipboard in the high street,

and you think, "Oh, I've dodged him,"
then there's another, "Oh! For..."

They work in teams,
I don't know how they do it.

Anyway, I got stopped,
I got cornered.

He said, "Can I have a word
about the homeless?"

I said, "Certainly - lazy."

"Off you fuck."

I was in London and I saw a homeless guy
with a dog on a piece of string.

Classic look for a homeless guy.

It is.

And I was walking by
and the homeless guy said,

"Could you spare
some money for food?"

And my friend said,
"Eat the dog, then we'll talk."

Even I thought, "That is harsh."

I'm joking, I didn't.

Truth be told,
there was no friend there, I said it.

I was just checking to see
you thought it was funny first.

I do a lot of gigs for people
less fortunate than me.

Only last week I was in Stoke.

For those who don't know it,
it's the English equivalent of Dundee.

Are there people in from Dundee?

Oh, there's girls in from Dundee.

That's good cos I've got money for chips
and I wouldn't mind sex.

I like the fact the girls
from Dundee applauded that.

Just, yeah, you're going,
"Yeah, fuck, chips, ooh."

Shall I do my impression
of me seducing a girl from Dundee?

That's all you need.

Fucking marvellous.

This isn't what the show is about at all,

but I was going to tell you
about a thing that I'm doing,

means a lot to me, and I'm going
to take a moment of your time.

I've started a little charity,

just a little thing of my own
and it's going great,

but I didn't want to put anything up
on big screens

or put any leaflets out
or anything in the programme.

I was going to tell you
what the charity I've set up does,

then if you want to get involved
you could Google it.

It's not what the evening's about,
it's about having a laugh,

but I thought I might...
sorry, I'm wittering on.

But you could just look it up
or Google it, if you want to get...

No, I'm just saying,

cos you could be proactive
rather than me forcing it down...

Cos people get bored of that.

OK. What we do is we send
obese children to the rainforest.

I don't mind you tittering,
cos we're seeing fabulous results.

If you wanna be part of that,
it's feedthetigers. Com.

Their faces light up.

Not the children, obviously,
they're fucking petrified.

Although, it is quite ironically funny
seeing them trying to run away.

It's a bit late
for cardiovascular now.

You should have thought of that

when you were waddling to Gregg's,
you fat fuck!

Flooding. Flooding's pretty bad.

I saw a woman on the news
in her flooded front room, crying.

I thought, "Crying's not helping.

"If anything,
you're making matters worse, love."

I am committed to getting young girls
off the streets.

Sometimes it's just for a half-hour,
but it relaxes me.

I find it very relaxing.

Sorry, I'm not sounding
very charitable, I do do my bit.

I've created a foundation
for battered women.

It's really thick,
to hide the bruising.

It's weird, domestic abuse
is still a real sort of taboo subject.

People don't like talking about it.

Ironically, that makes
the problem much worse,

cos the charities
that deal with domestic abuse,

their problem
is a problem of communication,

cos the women that they're
trying to communicate with,

the battered wives, are the very women
that won't shut up and listen.

Tragically, this is the only language
they understand.

I don't know what that is.

That's like the lion
from the Wizard Of Oz.

I wouldn't last a fucking day
in this city, would I?

Sorry, I know there's a degree
of civic pride in Glasgow

because domestic abuse
was invented right here, wasn't it?

Around the turn of the century,
well done, we salute you.

Someone say something there?

Old Firm day
is domestic violence day?

Is that a thing?

- Is that real?

There's a woman there just going, "Yeah."

"Oh, yeah."

What, sorry?
Just tell me that again, Old...

Old Firm day,
Rangers and Celtic game.

So when Rangers play Celtic,
it's the day for domestic abuse?

I fucking love it
that you've got it diarised.

Has anyone had this recently,

has anyone made an appointment
with the doctors recently?

I phoned up for an appointment
with my doctor

and I got an appointment
in three weeks' time.

I thought, "That's good,
I'll either be better or dead."

But then they gave me option B.

They said, "You can come down
and see the locum doctor.

"It's not your doctor,
it's our doctor we've got there,

"and if it's serious
you can come down and wait."

So that's what I did,
I went down to the doctor's surgery

and I waited for, like, four hours.

And eventually I got called into
the treatment room with the doctor.

Walked in there,
stunning-looking doctor,

I mean properly ten out of ten,
absolutely gorgeous, exactly my type.

I went, "Er... I'm embarrassed."

She said, "I'm a professional,
you're a grown man,

"just tell me what the problem is."

I said, "OK,

"I think my cock tastes funny."

"I don't know if you've got a test for that,

"but I've had an idea."

It's weird, the gender stereotype
in that joke, isn't it?

Like the idea, when I say "doctor",
most people imagine a man.

That's very odd,
cos we all know there's female doctors,

but, if you're honest, when I say doctor,
do you imagine a man? Yes?

Nurse is even worse. If I say nurse,
do you imagine a woman?

Sounds like a slightly overactive
imagination there.

Ooh, yes! I mean like a proper nurse,
not like a stripper in a pub.

When I say nurse,
do you imagine a woman, yes?

But we know
there's loads of male nurses.

It's not pronounced male,
you don't call them male nurses.

It's pronounced, "Male nurses?!"

Not that I want to offend any male nurses,
or indeed your boyfriends.

Just nod that one in, good.

I'll never forget
what my granddad said to me,

"I shit in a bag, please kill me."

A great way to warm up
pensioners in winter

is cremation.

Do you know you lose
50 per cent of your taste buds

by the time you're 75.

So it is OK
for your nana to live on cat food.

My nana, my mum's mum,
used to make me a jumper every Christmas.

Did anyone else have that?

She made me a jumper every Christmas.

Much better than the ones
in the shops.

No. No, it isn't.

I remember one year she made me
this burgundy monstrosity.

Sleeves way too long

and in the front she'd embroidered,
"Blacks go home".

I said, "I'm not wearing that!

"It's burgundy!

"And the sleeves are too long,
you crazy racist whore."

My girlfriend recently had
a phantom pregnancy

and now we have a little baby ghost.

It's quite a sweet joke,
it's not hurting anyone

and that's why every time
I tell that joke I kick a tramp.

Even things up karmically.

Who's got kids? Have you got kids?
You've got kids?

I've got kids.
I've adopted but it's the same.

It's a family. Well, fostered.

But as I say, there's
a bit of paperwork, it's nothing.

Sponsored. I've sponsored a child.

Well, it's not a child, it's a panda.

Well, it's a donkey.

I didn't sponsor it, I gave it
half an apple through a fence.

That always gets the same reaction,
it's always the woman going,

"That's not the fucking same,"

and the bloke going "Have you? Good.

"As long as I don't have
to see a fucking photo of it."

A lot of men use moisturiser,
but I'm old-fashioned.

I just spit on my hand.

What did you think
we were talking about?

Oh, come on, don't give me that look,
we've all been there.

"Come on, love,
the film starts in 10 minutes,

"we haven't got time for your fancy foreplay
or your expensive lubricant,

"we're going to be buttering the baking tray
the old-fashioned way."

Ironically, buttering the baking tray
is the phrase that will stick.

Sorry, you've just given him a look
as if to say,

"I thought you invented that.

"How does he know what we do?"

Flavoured condoms. Has anyone had
any dealings with flavoured condoms?

Yeah.
A few of you.

The girl from Dundee is thinking,
"I thought that was one of my five-a-day."

"Another banana, lovely."

My point on flavoured condoms
is they are a waste of money, OK?

Turns out my girlfriend doesn't have
a sense of taste in her front bottom.

Or back cunt.

Which is just as well,
if you think about it

Well, don't think about it.

I've been up here long enough,
I can open up a bit,

I can share with you, Glasgow,
I can share, yes?

Yes.

My girlfriend has fallen asleep
during sex before.

That is embarrassing.
That is awkward.

But not as awkward
as the time she woke up during it.

"Hello, love.

"You're up early.

"Yeah, I was just getting on
with a little bit of sex.

"I'll make you a cup of tea
when I'm finished.

"That'll help get rid of the taste."

"Yeah, I know it's weird,
I've seen a doctor."

Good. Well, that's pretty much
the first half of my show,

but it's mainly me talking.
Any questions so far?

Anything you'd like to know?

Jimmy!
Yes?

I'm going to presume
all the questions are for me.

If that's...

If I'm not being
too starry and arrogant.

Although, there's something
about my name in this town.

"Jimmy."
It just sounds right.

Go on, what was the question?

What would you rather do,

suck off your dad
or lick out your mum?

Well...

Yes, I think if I'm not mistaken,
that's one of Wittgenstein's theorems.

Erm...
Suck off his mum.

You'd suck off his mum?
He's done you.

He has done you.

I'm not from Perth, so I may never
have to make that decision.

Fucking hell, you sound like you
come from a very broken home.

I'm not suggesting
you fucked your mum,

but only because you wouldn't
want to two-time your sister.

Why do you laugh
like a sexual predator?

Why do I laugh like a...
"sexual predator"?

I like the way that sexual predator

sounds better in your accent
than any other.

A sexual predator.

I don't know why I laugh like that,
it's one of life's mysteries.

In the same way as why are you dressed
as a gay lumberjack?

We may never know.

"I like big thick logs, hm!"

- Yes?
- How big's your cock?

How big's my cock?

Well, I'm not sure whether your mother
would be comfortable discussing it,

but it's...

Truth be told, it's quite small,
but it smells like a big one.

What, sorry?

Where's the weirdest place
I've had sex?

His mum's bum.

Classic.

I'm joking, of course.
It was his dad's.

Any other questions, thoughts?

Why do I look like Hitler?

Nein, nein, nein.

Who said that?

I'm sorry, who?

What hotel
are you staying in?

What hotel?

Ah, well, it's quite a posh one,
so it will have to be your place.

I don't think...

I don't think they'll let you in,

they've got a policy
on that sort of thing.

And even though I'm not paying you,
it looks like I am.

Go on.

Where's your best audience?
What's the best audience?

Well, without being sort of, sycophantic, sir,

without sucking up to you.

He said, in a very patronising manner.

Glasgow's pretty good, that's why
I'm recording the DVD here.

I don't know if you noticed
the cameras, but it's...

It's, er...

It's just a fun place.

I'll tell you a quick story about Glasgow
just before we move on.

I'll tell you the reason
I'm recording the DVD here.

The first time I ever came to Glasgow
to play at The Stand Comedy Club,

I got in the back of a taxi, yeah?
And I said to the bloke,

cos I wanted to make a reference
to where was rough in town,

so I said, "Excuse me, driver,
where's rough in Glasgow?"

And he said, "For you, everywhere."

Then I was on stage later that night,

yeah, on stage and I told that story
on stage, and all I said was,

and I thought this was a comment
that was beyond any kind of argument,

all I said was, "Glasgow
is quite an aggressive town."

And a guy down the front went,
"No, it fuckin' isnae!"

No hint of irony.
"No, it fuckin' isnae!"

I thought, "This place will do for me!"

Do you all like drinks and sweets, yes?

Yes.
Everyone does.

Do you sometimes get annoyed
paying regular prices for sweets?

Do you wish you could pay
two or three times as much

for exactly the same Maltesers?

Because if you do, you are in luck.

We're about to have an interval
and this venue is about to rape you.

I'll meet you back here in 20 minutes
for more jokes. See you then.

Do you ever you walk into a room
and forget why you've gone in there?

You just kind of go,
"What am I meant to be?"

- Do you ever get that?
- Yes.

What?

Are you cat people or dog people?
What would you say?

Cos, to me,
it all tastes the fucking same.

People of restricted height.

Some of them
don't mind being called midgets,

but they hate being called dwarves.

Some of them, fine with dwarf,
hate being called a midget.

So what are you going to do?
What I do is call them all Oompa-Loompas.

None of the little fuckers like that, do they?

Are there any midgets in?

I haven't seen any, but that's part
of their charm. They could be...

I don't look down on dwarves.

That's probably
gone over their heads.

How could I stoop so low?

Life's too short.

Just because you're a midget
doesn't make you less of a person.

Truth be told, I fucking love dwarves,
but I never tell them,

cos I don't want them
to get big-headed.

A lot of people say women get more
attractive after a couple of drinks,

but they lose a lot of their charm,
vomiting and pissing in the street.

Welcome to Glasgow.

They just put speed bumps
outside my local school.

Well, I'm pretty sure
it was a speed bump.

I'm 90 per cent sure
it was a speed bump.

With a satchel.

I make my own vegetables.

I've got a hammer.

Is it wrong, Glasgow,
you be the judge,

is it wrong to call the disabled seating area
of a theatre

the cabbage patch?

Is that wrong?

Double amputees,
you gotta hand it to them...

but they will drop it.

If I lost both my arms
I'd probably just shrug it off.

I was doing a gig on this tour,
I was telling that joke,

and there was a guy sitting
down the front there,

missing both his arms.

And he laughed at that joke,

but then at the end,
I noticed he wasn't applauding.

You know that moment

when a girl locks eyes with you
across a crowded room and says,

"Yes, Your Honour, that's the one."

I saw a headline in the paper,
it said, "Rapist Strikes".

I thought, "What does he want?
Better pay and conditions?"

He's outdoors in the park,
he's on flexitime,

talk about your job satisfaction.

What, have we got
unionised sex offenders now?

"What do we want?"
"Get in the van."

"When do we want it?"
"Get in the van."

Women ask weird questions.

Well, the women in my life have always
asked weird questions.

My girlfriend said to me recently, she said,

"Which of my friends
do you think is prettiest?"

Well, that's what she said,
what I heard was, "I fancy a fight."

I don't know much about women,

but I know there is no correct answer
to the question,

"Which of my friends
do you think is prettiest?"

There's nothing I can say
that she'll go, "Oh, good, yeah."

I thought, "I might as well be hung
for a sheep as a lamb,"

so when she asked,
"Which of my friends is prettiest?"

I said, "Karen is pretty, but Susan
does that thing with her tongue."

Talking during sex, Glasgow -

where do you stand
on talking during sex?

There should be very strict rules
on talking during sex.

Rule number one, don't.

Rule number two, shh!

And those are the rules.

My girlfriend talks during sex.

I don't mean sexy,
dirty, filthy talk,

I'd love that,
that'd be awesome.

No. She says the most mundane shit
you've heard in your life mid-coitus.

That means whilst fucking.

The thing you do for chips.

I'll give you an example, OK?

So a couple of weeks ago,
we were making love...

I'd made her do it, love.

We were about halfway through,

well, we were nearly finished,
but she didn't know that.

I was in... I was actually...

And she said,
"Where did I leave my keys?"

I said, "Well, they're not in your vagina.

"I've had a good root around,
I would've noticed something.

"I'll check your bum."

She said, "You will not,
it's no one's birthday."

So I've come up with
a way of dealing with this, OK?

I could just say to her, "Could you not
say mundane things during sex,

"because it sort of kills
the mood for me, sort of ruins it,

"you know, kills the moment."

I could just say that, but that
would be literally no fun at all.

So what I'm doing is
whatever she says to me,

no matter how mundane,

whatever she says to me during sex,
I try and make it sexy.

Set myself that challenge.
It's a lot of fun.

I'll give you an example. She said to me
a couple of weeks ago, while we were...

she said,
"The recycling's coming tomorrow."

Well, more accurately she said,
"The recycling's coming tomorrow."

So I said,

"The recycling's not
the only thing comin' tomorrow.

"Yeah. I'm gonna
separate your paper and plastic."

Doesn't really mean anything.

That's my sexy voice, by the way.

I've kind of gone for a 1970s blaxploitation
New York City voice,

cos then you can say things like,
"I'm comin'."

If I just use my voice,
I've just got to go, "I've arrived."

Has anyone heard anything more mundane
than that during sex?

What's the most mundane thing?

- Hurry up.
- Hurry up?

Hurry up.

Huh, what's that,
these chips are cold?

Oh, oh, bless. Any others?

What, sorry, what was that one?

Rather cold today.
Rather cold today?

"Cold today." "Aye."

That's like small talk
at a bus station.

I suppose we're in Glasgow, it could
well have happened at a bus station.

I got the little, "Oh, yes."

- Any others?
- Is it in yet?

Is it in yet?

So have you said to this boy here,
there's a man covering his eyes now,

"Oh, God, she hasn't."

That's not your boyfriend?

I'm sure you don't limit yourself to one.

But you've said to a man,
"Is it in yet?"

Not saying it, but...

But you've said that, you've looked a man
in the eyes and gone, "Is it in?"

You don't want to look down and check

and you've got no feeling
in your vagina whatsoever.

So, hang on,
just make eye contact with me,

without looking down, can you tell
if there's a cock in you now?

- What was your one?
- My gran's in hospital.

My gran's in hospital.

You were fucking someone
and they said to you, "My gran's in hospital."

Oh, yeah, baby,
tell it like it is!

"Yeah, I'm gonna break your hips."

Any other mundane things during sex?

There's the ice-cream van.
There's the ice-cream van?

Did you start going out with him
when you were a lot younger?

"Oh, there's the ice-cream van."

"Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh.
Most natural thing in the world."

I had one the other week,
a guy came in with his wife.

They'd been married, like, 30 years
and she had said to him,

and she said she'd said it, OK?

She said to him, during sex,
she said,

"Now I've got your full attention,
let's talk about those curtains."

I wish I'd been him I would have gone,
"Curtains look fine."

Another one that comes up a lot,
"You're boring me."

Which my response would be,
"Yes, I am."

I don't know what this says
about us as a nation,

but one that comes up all the time from
audiences is, "Change channels."

Are we having sex
with the television on, people?

I think if someone
said "change channels" to me,

I would know they were talking
about the television,

but I would be very tempted to go,
"Thanks very much.

"I don't mind if I do."

Of course, the classic is,
"Ceiling needs doing."

Hopefully not in that voice.

"Ceiling needs doing."

To which my response would be,
"Yeah, I'm gonna fill your crack."

Gentlemen,
if you're in a long-term relationship

you'll be familiar
with this conversation.

It's the conversation that happens five
minutes after you think you've gone to sleep.

You know the one I mean?

TV's off, lights are off,
books are down,

everyone's washed their teeth.

You're in bed, "Night," "Night,"
"Love you," "Love you."

"Night."
"Night!"

Five minutes after that,
just as you're drifting off into sleep,

the most insecure voice
you've ever heard in your life,

out of the darkness, "If we broke up,

"would we still be friends?"

I said, "What do you mean, 'still'?"

I bought my girlfriend some lingerie,
it was her birthday,

and she'd hinted at the stuff she wanted,

so I went to,
I think it was Agent Provocateur,

for these fancy kind of
pants and bra and stuff.

- Well, quite right.

So she was quite impressed,

she opened it up on her birthday,
she was really into it.

She went, "Oh, these are beautiful, darling,
but they're not my size."

I said, "Don't worry, I've had a chat
with the woman in the shop

"and she says
you can have an operation."

I knew I had to lose some weight
in the last year.

It's a very sad day for any man

when his girlfriend suggests
he comes on his own tits.

Have you ever mixed up a fat person
and a pregnant person?

It's embarrassing, isn't it?

Especially if it's a fella.

I had a fat girl
come up to me recently after a gig,

well, I say a fat girl, she was either fat
or 18 months pregnant.

She was big.

Bubbly, you might say.

Not with an effervescent personality
that filled the room,

no, shaped like a bubble.

She was a comfort eater,
not eating for emotional comfort,

she was eating
till she was comfortable to sit on.

She wasn't a size zero
she was a shape zero.

She came up to me after...
Well, she pretty much surrounded me

and she said, "You're not
meant to use the term 'fat'."

I said "You're not meant
to eat cake for breakfast.

"You're not
meant to deep-fry Mars bars.

"And gravy isn't an energy drink."

And if I can't say "fat",
cos I wasn't using fat in a judgmental way,

I was just purely
being descriptive on stage,

I was using the word fat,
apparently I can't use the word fat now.

If I can't say "fat",
what term does she prefer?

Chunky monkey wobble slob?

Fatty-boom-batty?

Or blubbernaut?

And if you're offended
by any of those terms,

how about a salad?

I'm a bit, not distressed at,
but a little bit upset,

the term "real woman".

I used to really like the term
"real woman".

It meant a voluptuous,
fuller-figured, curvy,

beautiful, buxom, plump lady.

You would say, "She's a real woman."
It doesn't mean that any more.

Real woman is now a euphemism
for chunky monkey wobble slob.

You say, "She's a real woman,"

when you mean
"She's a really fat woman.

"She's dangerously close
to being two women."

Have you ever fucked a girl so fat

you think it might count
as a threesome?

You know you're with a fat lass

when you find yourself
in the throes of passion, thinking,

"Is that boob or arm?

"I'll give it a lick, just to be sure."

A lot of people think horizontal stripes
make them look fat.

No.

What makes you look fat is being fat.

The only horizontal stripes
making you look fat

are the ones in Viennetta,
lasagne and sponge cake.

I had a fat girl come up to me
after a show,

a nice girl, she said,
"I enjoyed the jokes,

"but I'm a fat woman,
how do you think I feel?"

I said, "Squidgy."

I was asked recently, Glasgow,
by a proper publishing company.

They said to me, "Do you
want to write an autobiography?"

I've given it a bit of thought,
I've made notes,

I thought
we might go through the notes

and see whether it's a good idea
for me to write a book.

Just out of interest if I wrote a biography,
who here would buy it?

Well, it might just be worthwhile,
you never know your luck.

I've been asked to write it,
so I've made notes.

My first thought when they said,
"Do you want to write a biography?"

Was, "I wish I'd kept a journal."

But I never kept a journal
because I'm not a fat Goth girl.

If you write one of these
cash-in-on-your-fame biographies,

you've got to talk about being famous.

Has fame changed me?

No. I've always been a bit of a cunt.

It's a very odd thing, being famous.

I get this thing happen,
where about once a week,

someone will come up to me
in the street and go,

"I know you from somewhere,
did we go to school together?"

I've discovered there's no way
to say to another human being,

"No, we didn't go to school together
but do you own a television?"

Without sounding like
a total fucking arsehole.

- What, sorry?

Is that Buckfast? No, that's water.
You've probably heard of it.

Jimmy, who's the most famous
person you've ever met?

Who is the most famous person
I've ever met?

Well, I once met the, erm...

It's quite an impressive one,
I don't want to show off,

but, you know how villages
have got idiots, yeah?

I met the idiot
for the whole of Glasgow.

Yes, he's, er...

One of the biggest cunts
in the world, yeah.

- I married him.
- And you married him.

That is again,
that will only happen in Glasgow.

You call someone a cunt
and their wife goes, "Yep."

"Oh, don't I know."

Fucking hell.

Yeah, I'll record it in Glasgow,
it'll be fine.

Really? Really?

For me, big advantage
to being famous, as I see it,

is if I ever get Alzheimer's
I'm going to be absolutely fine.

If I ever forget who I am, I'll be fine
cos as I wander around town,

people are constantly going, "Oh, look,
it's Jimmy Carr. Oh, look, Jimmy Carr."

So if I forget my identity,
I'll be constantly reminded.

The down side
is that five per cent of the time

people get it wrong
and think I'm Alan Carr.

So once a week,
I'd end up back at the care home

sucking off an old fella.

I don't really like it.

Looks, let's talk about my looks.

Well, could be worse,
it could've been a pop-up book.

Looking at me, you wouldn't think I was
voted the fourth sexiest man in Britain,

and you'd be right, I wasn't.

People often ask,
"How do you get the Jimmy Carr look?"

Well, get your mother to drink heavily
during pregnancy.

Sorry, mate, no offence.

I do look a little like Roger Federer,

and a lot like lan Beale's daughter
from EastEnders.

Yeah, I wish that wasn't funny.

I wish that didn't ring true,
but sadly it does, doesn't it?

It's an odd thing, being on TV,
being on stage in front of all you people,

it makes you more vain
than you should otherwise be.

I mean, I'm a 37-year-old man,
I shouldn't be vain at all.

I realise you can't polish a turd,

but you can roll it in glitter,
can't you?

You do the best with what you've got.
I always try and make the best of myself.

I try and dress well
and present myself well,

it only ever leads to embarrassment, vanity.

The first time
I did a room this size in London

my older brother came to the gig.

I've always looked up to him.

He came backstage, he didn't say anything
about the performance,

he just went,
"Are you wearing make-up?"

And to my eternal shame I went,
"No, it's tinted moisturiser."

I couldn't have sounded gayer to him
with two cocks in my mouth.

Let's talk about my career.

I've got a terrible boss,
I'm self-employed

and I'm currently
on sexual harassment charges.

On the other hand, you are looking at
employee of the month.

How can I explain what it's like?

You know when you walk past
an electrical goods store

and they've got all the TVs in the store
hooked up to one camera,

and you do that weird thing of
waving at yourself as you walk by?

And there's an odd moment
where you go,

"Well, I don't want to stop waving
because I'm still waving."

That's what Channel 4 is like for me.

I'm like their fucking screensaver.

For the moment,
it's just stand-up and TV for me,

my acting career
has been put on hold.

That was a decision taken by you,
the British public.

A lot of comedians
that I started with

have now gone to Hollywood to make
movies. Great. Well done, them.

But there's something called loyalty,

and there's something else called
a lack of talent and no offers.

I've just noticed... Shh!

Can you all just keep
a little bit quiet for a second?

I've just noticed there's a man
over there in a blue jumper,

I think he might be asleep,
if you could just keep quiet around him.

Just shush, shush.
Oh, fuck, he's woken.

Fuck!

Hello.

You're having a fucking weird dream,
aren't you?

I wouldn't fall asleep again,
something very bad will happen.

I was going to tea-bag him. Shit.

It's annoying, isn't it?

Sounds like it would have been
a very popular choice.

What's your name?

- Steven.
- Steven.

You had to have a little think.

All right.
And what do you do, Steven?

I'm a footballer.

You're a footballer.
Who do you play for?

- Stranraer.
- Stranraer?

He's a footballer,
he plays for Stranraer.

OK, I'm fucking shit at football
as well, mate, don't worry.

That's fine.

Don't worry about that,
don't feel bad.

Stranraer. And is that five-a-side, is it?

You got a full team?

Wonderful.

Well, I bet you're a great kicker.

You lazy fuck.
Try and pay attention.

It's not like people fall asleep
when Stranraer are playi...

Oh, no, hang on, that's a bad analogy.

You lazy fucker.

I've noticed a trend in publishing,
the last couple of years,

the more depressing
the childhood segment of the book,

the better the book does,
the better the biography does.

People love reading about horrible,
depressing childhoods,

so I've had a crack at writing
a heartbreaking childhood memoir.

Which wasn't easy for me,
cos my childhood was actually fine.

I was in a lot of fights at school.

Well, not a lot, one.

And it wasn't a fight,
it was a debating society.

And I wasn't in it, I was watching.

Still, don't fucking mess.

We were poor, but we were happy.

Every Sunday morning
you could hear my dad banging away

trying to get some life
out of the old boiler.

Then he'd give up,
go upstairs and fuck my mum.

I simply adored our pet dog, Patch,
but one day my parents called me in

and told me
that Patch had been called away

to the giant potato sack
with bricks in it in the sky.

For weeks I wasn't changed,
I wasn't given proper food.

Someone stuck the TV on in the corner
and I just lay there in my own filth.

God, I loved university.

The other thing
I've noticed with books is,

anything with a spiritual element
always does brilliantly.

Look at the Bible,
that's still a bestseller

even though
they give it away in hotels.

I guess you could say
I haven't found Jesus,

but then I think
Jesus should try and find me.

He's omnipotent, I'm on telly,
how tough's that?

Make a fucking effort, Christ.

Or, Christ, make a fucking effort,
it works either way.

I'm cynical about religion,
but I'm not a cynic.

I do believe in other things.
I'm willing to believe in aliens.

If aliens don't exist, then who was it
that abducted me at the age of 13,

transported me to a room
full of flashing lights,

and subjected me
to a terrifying rectal probing?

Oh, that's right, it was the guy
that ran the youth centre disco.

Yeah.

The thing that put me off religion was
I was raised Catholic,

any other Catholics in?

It's a weird thing.
If you go to Catholic school,

sex education is very odd,
sex education,

they don't want kids to be told about sex,
they want to show them.

The Catholic Church are weird.

The only kind of contraception they seem
to approve of is fucking young boys.

Granted, you're not
going to get them pregnant.

One of my teachers
was very sexually repressed.

He used to take it out on the kids.

One thing stuck in my head.

He was responsible
for the worst phrase in my childhood.

You know sometimes
something bad happens,

and then someone says something
and it makes it ten times worse?

It was already bad, about 60 of us,
my whole year, went swimming,

big swimming regatta thing,

and my friend Anthony
got an erection.

That's embarrassing.
It's a bad situation.

The teacher didn't make it any better
by pointing out said erection,

in case anyone had missed it,

and then describing it as, wait for it,

"Nature's thumbs-up."

It is weird, the stuff you remember
when you look back.

Like, I've made notes
about my childhood.

I thought I'd be able to remember
the stuff they taught me.

How an oxbow lake is formed,
how World War One started.

The stuff they teach you at school.
I can't remember any of that.

I don't know what this says about me,
but I remember with total clarity

the day Matt came into school and told us all
he could suck his own cock.

I remember clearly,
cos he told us how he did it,

he said he did it by falling backwards
into the bath.

I remember at the time thinking,

"There's an accident
that's gone terrifically well."

Most people are laughing at that,

just one man
giving me a look as if to say,

"I might have a bath later on."

"Mum, Dad, I'm just having a bath."

"Why isn't the water running?"
"No reason."

It's an interesting area,
I think sexual awakening,

for a biography,
that's always a good chapter.

My uncle actually taught me
the facts of life.

I can't tell you what they are, cos it's
a special secret between me and him.

Seriously, if tell you,
my mum and dad will both die.

When I was about six,
I was given a doll.

I don't remember the doll's name,
the game was,

you had to point to different places
and say how many times it happened.

Did you not have that game?

Jealous much?

One of the things that's holding me back
from writing an autobiography

is the fact that if you write one,

you've got to talk about
your private life in a public way,

It changes the nature of celebrity,
it makes you into a tabloid celebrity.

So I'll just dip my toe in the water,

I'll talk about it a bit,
try and get used to it.

My girlfriend is, without a doubt,
the most beautiful girl I could get.

I'll cut to the chase on this,
people always ask,

"Have you ever cheated
on your partner?"

Yes, it's happened,
it's nothing that I'm proud of,

but, well, it was last Christmas,

and I'd read all the Trivial Pursuit questions
before we played.

And then I fucked her sister.

Which, if anything, made it worse.
She's forgiven me now, though.

She told me recently, she said,
"I'm fine, nothing's wrong."

Good.

It was weird, cos she was crying,
so I said, "What's the problem?"

She said, "If you don't know,
I'm not going to tell you."

So I guess she's organising
some sort of surprise party.

I thought I'd take my girlfriend
to where we first met,

but she said, "Don't make me
go back there, Mr Jimmy!

"I cook, I clean, I be better."

I worry about that joke.

Is that just razy lacism?

Oh, you razy laciest.

It's not, it's an accent,
it's fine, don't cry.

I get asked,
"What's the secret of comedy?"

Graham Norton's
got a wife and two kids.

Doesn't leave this room.

People ask me what I'll do
if I ever run out of jokes.

Well, I could always write
an episode of Two Pints Of Lager.

People seem mildly obsessed,

I always get asked,
"What did you do before comedy?"

Well, I used to work on the oil rigs
off the coast of Aberdeen.

I did. I was a male prostitute.

I knew I knew you from somewhere.

I never forget a face.

Or the back of someone's head.

I often get asked,
"What's your pet hate?"

Well, he doesn't like it
if you put things in his bum.

But who can resist a cat's bumhole?

It's like a towel holder from the '70s,
they're strangely alluring.

Right, I was going
to talk to you about this.

This is the question on this tour

that's come up more than any other
from audience members.

"What order
would you do Girls Aloud in?"

Most men in this room
have given that concerted thought.

Even though we know
it's never going to happen,

we want to be ready just in case.

In case we ever get a knock on the door
from the five girls saying,

"I want you now,"

we wanna be able to say, "Come in, ladies,
the rota's on the fridge."

I can explain myself.

Cheryl first.
I'll tell you why Cheryl first.

I find her the most attractive,

so I definitely
want to get that one done.

And let's face facts,
I might only have one in me.

Five is not going to happen.

Be honest, guys,
five is never going to happen.

Like every man in this room,

the only time I've ever
wanted to have sex twice

is before I've had sex once.

The ladies know
what I'm talking about.

You've all been over-promised to.

"I'm gonna make love to you all night long.

"Or until I get sleepy.

"Let's see which comes first.

"I came first.

"Night-night."

I would have the ginger one
in the room at all times.

Stop me going off early.

"Oh, Cheryl, I'm just about to...

"Ooh.

"Oh, we're back in the game."

Has anyone got any other questions,
anything else you'd like to know?

Where'd you get the suit?
Where do I get my suit?

I get all my clothes
from High And Mighty.

It's not to do with my size or shape,
it's my attitude.

This is actually a suit
for an eight-year-old giant.

I don't know why that's a giant.

It's more like a Thunderbird.

You get the idea.

Any other thoughts, questions?

How much money
are you making from this gig?

How much money am I making
from this gig?

Well, I'll put it in terms
that you'll understand, sir.

A hundred money.

- Go on, sorry, what was your question?
- What age did you lose your virginity?

What age did I lose my virginity?
It was the 20th century.

No, I lost my virginity...
I was 26 when I lost my virginity.

Now, I realise there'll be grandmothers
in Glasgow thinking,

"Well, that cannae be right.

"Did he not have a sister?"

No, I was 26,
but I'll tell you why I was 26,

because I was Christian, growing up.

I had an imaginary friend
that I used to talk to.

I know it sounds mental now,
but I did,

so that was part of it,
but partly I wanted it to be special,

well, not special, but consensual.

And then I got to 26 and I thought,

"Fuck it.

"How much is a train ticket to Dundee?"

Any other thoughts?

What, sorry?
What's my favourite song?

I would say probably Sweet Caroline.

Where it began, ah-haa-ah

I can't begin to know when

But then I know
it's growing strong

First there was spring, ah-haa-ah

Then spring became the summer

Who'd have know it came...

Sorry, I could have just gone on there.

Hands touching hands

Reaching out

Touching you

Touching me

Dun-da-da

Sweet Caroline
Ba-ba-ba

Good times never seemed so good

So good!

I've been inclined
Ba-ba-ba

To believe they never would...

There you are, that will do of that.

My favourite song.

Yeah, do some karaoke
halfway through, why not?

Well, I like that and I also like
Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot.

I like big butts and I cannot lie

You other brothers can't deny...

I'll come back over here.

The best way to impress a woman
is to compliment her,

as in, "Cor, you're a fast runner,
you nearly got away."

We all know that no means no,

but what does it mean
when they shout, "Help"?

It means the gag's come loose.

Two things really annoy me.

When you buy stuff and it comes
in that super-hard plastic

that you cannot get a start on,
do you know the stuff?

And you end up chipping a tooth
and then you go and get scissors.

You'd never dream
of getting the scissors first.

You think, "I'll try my teeth.

"Argh!"

The worst is you've bought scissors
and they've come in that stuff.

That annoys me.
That and genocide. Oh!

Back-seat drivers,
they're all the same.

"Why are we going into the woods?
Please let me go."

I tell you what I love, love, love, love,
and I bet you all love it too.

I love the snooze button.
Do you love the snooze button?

Yes.

Cos after eight hours' sleep,
I tell you what I need - a nap.

Strange but true, isn't it?

I wake up in the morning,

I'm more tired than when
I went to bed the night before.

I wake up thinking, "I'm exhausted."

How tiring is sleep?

I need ten minutes
just to take the edge off that.

Have you got pets? Who's got pets? Yes?

I can't have sex
if the dog is looking at me.

It's those big eyes looking up
as if to say, "What are you doing?"

And that's why...

I didn't fuck a dog.

We made love.

I'm a typical guy, I love all sports.

Pilates, hopscotch,
conkers, you name it.

Any cricket fans in?

- No!
- Interesting fact about cricket.

Cricket was invented
at Rugby public school

when some boys were playing football
and one of the boys forgot the ball,

and they were all standing in a field
and nothing happened.

I like the developments that have been
made in cricket over the years.

Initially there was Test cricket,

that takes five days of your life
that you don't get back to play.

Then there was one-day cricket,
a vast improvement,

then Twenty20,
that only takes three hours to play.

I'm looking forward to cricket One1

and ultimately cricket fucking zero

where no cunt plays cricket
cos it's fucking boring.

It is.

The Paralympics,
that is what sport should be about.

Did you watch the Paralympics
when it was on in Beijing?

Inspirational, awe-inspiring
global event,

about three people saw it,
it would appear.

I don't know how to describe it.

It's sort of like... The Paralympics,
it's like a children's book

where all the broken toys
have a picnic.

Well, you can get off
the high moral ground

if you didn't even fucking watch it.

I had a favourite event,
and all the events are interesting.

You're watching sports that
you've seen before, you've taken part in,

done in a different way
by disabled people.

So you're getting a different angle on it,
different rules, yeah?

My favourite, and you've got
to promise me, look this up

if you think I'm making it up.

Google it when you get home
and have a look on YouTube,

treat yourself, it's awesome.

Paralympics, the blind football.

OK, so they get a normal...
And I'm not talking about Stranraer.

What they do in the blind football
at the Paralympics,

they get a normal,
standard-issue soccer ball,

they put a bell in the ball
and blind people play football.

Their spatial awareness is that good
they can tell where the ringing is,

find the ball, not only find it,
kick it and score a goal.

How fucking awesome is that?
And Team GB got silver.

Gold went to some kittens.

I don't know
how they got into the stadium.

Presumably no one saw them.

And there was an unfortunate incident.

When the referee blew the whistle for
the final time, someone kicked his face off.

As you'll be aware, I'm very comfortable
talking about disability on stage,

because disabled people are part
of our community and societies,

of course they are,

but also disabled people are the most
patronised group within society.

Everyone patronises the disabled,
it's like a national pastime.

Here's a good example for you.

If you've got any building in this country
with more than four storeys,

there's a limit
on the number of wheelchair users

that can be in that building
at any one time,

because what if there's a fire?

If there's a fire
throw him out the fucking window.

What's he going to do,
break his back again?

What's he going to be,
double paralysed?

"Have you heard about Dave?
He's been double paralysed.

"It's pretty bad. He's got to
go round in two wheelchairs."

I heard about a blind guy
climbing Everest.

I thought, "Well done, but what for?

"The view?"

Surely the great advantage of being blind
is there's no need to travel.

Get a foot spa and a heat lamp,
you could be fucking anywhere.

Speaking of which,
I'm thinking of starting a charity

sending blind kids to Disneyland.

Well, telling them.

I know it's not the same,
but my dog has lost an eye

and the vet reckons
he's got about 30% peripheral vision

in his remaining eye.

Who thinks I should get the vet
to put him down?

Nae.

No.

Canal it is.

If he'd wanted to live
he would've won the fight with the badger.

A lot of men like it
when the collars and cuffs match,

but I wouldn't want to date
a bald lady.

That took you a while to get.

Apparently, women like chocolate

because it stimulates them
in the same way as sex,

which goes some way towards explaining
the popularity

of the Chunky Kit-Kat.

I've never found chocolate
to be an aphrodisiac.

The only way a chocolate bar
is gonna help my sexual performance

is if I use it as a splint.

Or bait.

A friend that took me
to one side recently,

he said, "What does it mean
if, on a first date,

"a girl puts a cheeky finger
up your bum whilst fellating you?"

I said, "It means
there's going to be a second date."

It has been a pleasure
talking to you, Glasgow.

Firstly, thank you so much
for coming out to see the show.

I really do appreciate it.

It's been lovely.

Couple of quick things
just before I go.

If you've never seen
a Punch and Judy show,

I don't wanna spoil it for you,
but the man behind the curtain

is a paedophile.

A lot of people don't think paedophiles

should be allowed
to live anywhere near schools,

but it does reduce
their carbon footprint.

Final thing, if you're scared
of paedophiles,

grow up.

I've been Jimmy Carr,
thank you very much.

Cheers, good night, thank you.

Thanks very much, Glasgow.

I don't know if you realise,
as an audience,

what that noise means to performers.

That simple act of applauding,
it's everything you work for as a performer.

But that noise
could drive you mental.

Imagine if that happened
when you left work.

You've finished a busy day doing
whatever you do with your lives,

you finish work
and 3,000 people go, "Fucking yeah."

You'd go a little bit,
"Hm? Hello. I'm very special."

So to keep my feet on the ground,
to stop myself going crazy,

I always remind myself, Glasgow,

that is less applauding
than any of you, individually,

would give to a waiter
who dropped a tray.

It's true though, isn't it?
That is our best thing ever as a nation.

I love it when you're away
on holiday,

like if you're in the south of France
or Spain or wherever,

or Birmingham, I don't know.

But I love it, when you're away,
you can tell where the British people are,

because when a tray goes over

we're the ones going,
"You clumsy fucking cunt."

Now obviously it's a family show.

I go out to see a lot of comedy shows
and I've noticed a thing,

comics tend to do their best stuff
right at the end of the gig

and then they leave the audience
wanting more.

It sounds good, doesn't it?
But it doesn't make any sense.

Cos you, the audience,
are left wanting more

and the comedian has fucked off.

That doesn't make any sense,
so what I'd like to do,

because I've given it some thought,

I'd like to torpedo this gig
with some very unpleasant jokes

that will offend and upset you all.

Yeah.

Then you can all leave thinking,
"Thank fuck that's over."

You're welcome. Let's begin.

If women are so good
at multi-tasking,

is it too much to ask, tickle my balls
while you work the shaft.

Half a joke,
half public service announcement.

I often get asked,
"Are you ever going to get married?"

I don't think
I ever will get married.

I mean, you can't get married
at 16 without parental consent,

and that's not going to happen.

They still think she's dead.

That's an unfortunate reaction

cos that's only there
to warm you up for this one.

Did you all read that story
about the girl that was kidnapped

and kept in squalid conditions
for 18 years?

Did you read that story?

Was I the only one
that read that story

and thought,
"18 years in squalid conditions?

"Have a tidy round.

"Make your house a home,
you lazy bint."

Say what you like
about the Make A Wish Foundation,

they can work to a deadline.

It's only words.
Nothing bad's happened.

It's not like I've drop-kicked
a kitten into an orphan's face.

Once, I did that once.

And it was fucking funny,
but you sort of had to be there.

I think I've sorted out
the credit crunch.

I thought you'd be pleased.

No, genuinely, I think
I've sorted out the credit crunch.

You know what the problem is
with the credit crunch?

In layman's terms, OK.

The trade, the turnover,
the cycle of business

isn't happening in the way it was

because businesses and banks
and countries have gone bust,

and no one trusts each other.

So how are we going to repair this
and get things started again?

Get that virtuous circle
up and running?

Tell you what we do,
we build a World Trade Centre.

You're sat there
with your arms crossed, thinking,

"That's gonna be a fucking big building."
We're going to have two of them.

I saw the chief of the New York City police
on the news.

He said, "We will never forget 9/11."

I thought, "I should fucking
hope not, it's your phone number."

I do love doing these gigs.

I'm so glad I recorded the DVD
in Glasgow, but these gigs...

Just the fact that everyone shares
a sense of humour, that's special.

Everyone appreciates as well,
everyone gets it.

Everyone in this room
gets the fact it's just jokes,

we're messing around,
trying to have a laugh together.

It's just messing,
these jokes aren't who I am.

I mean, in the real world,
I'm quite a generous sort of person.

I realise that makes me
sound like a dick,

but I'm quite a giving person.
Last year I donated a kidney.

Of course, they wanted to know
where I got it from.

"I know it's still warm, keep it."

I often get asked,
someone asked earlier,

favourite joke or rudest joke?

I got asked in Liverpool last year,
someone said, "Favourite pub joke?"

So I thought I'd end
by telling you my favourite pub joke.

It's quite a rude joke.

I think you all knew
it was going to be fairly rude,

but I'll tell you, and then
I'll tell you why I'm telling it.

I got asked, "Favourite pub joke?"
In Liverpool,

so I said...
I told my favourite pub joke.

What's the difference
between football and rape?

Girls don't like football.

That is a textbook response, Glasgow.

It's a laugh, followed by a "Oohh."

The interesting thing for me

is that that's not
two distinct groups of people,

there's not one group laughing
and another group going, "Oohh."

Those are the same people.

That joke makes you
a little bit schizophrenic,

cos you don't choose
what you laugh at.

I'm sure many of you have been disgusted
at what you've been laughing at,

but you don't choose what you laugh at,
it's a reflex, you just laugh.

Then another bit of you kicks in

and goes, "What the fuck
are you doing laughing at that?"

"Oohh."

So I told it in Liverpool,
it got a laugh and then a "oohh".

Then there was a pause and a woman
at the back went,

"I like football."

Imagine that being your problem
with that joke.

She clearly had time to think,
"Well, we all like it rough once in a while,

"he's got us there,

"but I also enjoy soccer.

"And I'm taking a stand."

Well, as I say, it's been
a pleasure performing in Glasgow.

I mean, the reason
we did the DVD here is

cos it's one of the best gigs of the year,
I fucking love it.

Thank you so much for coming out.
Just a couple of...

- Sh-sh-sh!

Just one quick thing before I go.

If anyone wants an autograph
or to say hello after the show,

or to get fingered
or to have a fight...

Whatever you would like,
I'll be in that corner,

I'm more than happy to wait.
Thank you for coming out to see me,

and I'll see you all again next year.
Cheers, good night.

Thank you.

I read the tabloid papers pretty much
every day, and I love the tabloids,

I think they're an important part
of our culture,

but because of how my mind works
or doesn't work,

depending on your perspective,

I end up writing jokes about people
that are in the papers every day.

Whoever's in the papers
I'll write a joke about them.

I'll take you through my favourites.
I've done pictures to illustrate.

More accurately, my friend Chris
has done some pictures.

- Is Chris in by the way?
- Yes.

Hi, Chris, how are you?

Chris is the man that did all the pictures
for all of the stuff in the show.

Let's give Chris a round of applause
while we think of it.

Hang on, let's get a camera...
Chris, stand up a sec.

Take a bow, come on, take a bow.

Fucking brilliant.

And he's, erm... He's done...

Chris has,
you won't mind me saying?

Chris actually has
a personality disorder

that makes it difficult for him
to communicate with other people.

Chris is Scottish.

It's tragic, but you've really come through.

He spent all the money
on heroin and shortbread.

I paid him in heroin and shortbread.

Right, let's go through
some famous people jokes.

Fern Britton.
You all know Fern Britton?

Yes.

Fern Britton had a gastric band
fitted to one of her stomachs.

I say a gastric band, it was actually
the fan belt from a 747.

Keira Knightley was in Heat,

so I fucked her.

Madonna is 50, but she's got the body

of a man half that age.

It's a funny picture, man.

What did you make of Madonna
adopting those Malawian babies?

What did you think?
I can see why she's done it.

We've all seen the adverts
in the papers for African children,

they're only a pound a week to feed.

Must be weird for those two kids now,

cos they're now wearing clothes
they made six months ago.

Jordan's split's
been all over the papers.

She should be more careful
getting out of the car.

Chris!

Chris! Why did you do that?

Amy Winehouse is a terrible way
for any young woman to die.

She looks like she needs a good bath,

and then that bath
needs a good clean.

And then that cleaner
needs a day off.

She recently received
a slap on the wrist,

desperately trying to find a vein.

Let's face facts,
Amy Winehouse is so full of drugs,

if she ever has to go to prison,

she'll have to be smuggled in
up someone else's arse.

I would just like to say that
Amy Winehouse is no longer on drugs,

I think there were rumours
in the papers

that she did drugs at some stage

but she doesn't do them any more
and really, you know,

it's none of our business
whether she does or not.

I'm only saying that
cos I like that joke

and I'd like it to
make it onto the DVD.

Hello, the lawyer at Channel 4.

Don't fucking cry.

People give Susan Boyle a hard time,
but I think she's a good-looking fella.

SuBo, SuBo, SuBo.

SuBo, SuBo.

What do they call her?
The Hairy Angel?

That sounds like a euphemism,
doesn't it?

As in, "Well, she's not a bad singer,

"but I wouldn't want to see
her hairy angel."

People give her a hard time,

but she shares over 97% of her DNA

with humans.

Apparently there was a break-in
at her house,

she found a burglar in her hallway.

First time she's ever had a man
in her front passage.

Come on, everyone,
it's a front-passage joke.

The Queen, our Queen...

Hey, let's not be like that,
shall we?

You are her subjects.

The Queen, of course,
has two birthdays,

which goes some way towards explaining
why she looks so fucking old.

Must be great for Prince Philip,

every time he looks at a 20 note
he thinks, "I've had that."

His favourite sexual position
is the stamp.

Takes her from behind,
licks the back of her head, loves it.

Of course,
the Queen has her real vagina

and her official vagina
for special occasions.

As do all women.

No, you're quite right, Glasgow,

talking about the Queen having sex
is actually a bit of a grey area.

Now, the big tabloid story the last year
was the death of Michael Jackson,

and for me it was very much like
when Diana died.

I couldn't give a fuck.

It's not just me that thinks

towards the end, he was just a pale
imitation of the man he used to be.

He'd lost face.

And now he's gone,
the rumour mill is in full swing.

There's a rumour that
the real reason Michael Jackson died

is that when he was rushed
to hospital

somehow he ended up
in the burns unit.

And then he wound up
in the children's ward.

And then he had a heart attack.

He's gone, but I like to think
he's up there somewhere

walking backwards on the moon.

He wore one white glove.

Part-time snooker referee.

It's quite a stupid joke.

Before his heart attack,
he had a series of strokes,

which ruined his career.

At the funeral, his brother Jermaine
gave a touching tribute,

which hardly seemed appropriate.

Michael Jackson.

R.I. Paedo.

Shall we treat ourselves
to one final Michael Jackson joke?

Yes.

Before he died,
Michael Jackson picked the hymns.

He said, "I'll have him 14,
him 13, him 12."

Got that? Good.

- How's it going? You all right?
- Yeah, good.

Thanks for coming to the show
I appreciate it, man.

- I think we got away with it.
- Yeah.

It's like meeting a vicar at the end
of a service, like after a wedding.

- Thank you very much for coming.
- Bye.

- How are you two?
- Can I take a photo of you, please?

You can take a photo of me.
Of course you can.

You can have that and when you touch
yourself later, you can look at it, of course.

- Seems only reasonable.
- Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming.

You look very glamorous
all dressed up.

Hello, what's going on here?

Oh, I love that noise,
what happened there?

- Thanks so much for coming.
- She's waited a long time to come.

The hair,
you ladies have got kind of the...

You've both got very cool
kind of '60s hair.

I love it. Is it a mother
and daughter?

Do you want to have a three-way
or not? Just say.

- Not today.
- Not today? OK, not today.

Can I get a hug?

Of course you can have a hug,
I'll give you a hug, come round this way.

OK, come round that way.

It's very nice to meet you.
Thanks for coming.

Now leave me alone.

Hello, how are you two,
you all right?

- I'm fine, thanks...
- Are you?

- You're a legend.
- I've had such a brilliant time!

You've had such a lot to drink
by the sounds of things.

I've been up there,
it's been brilliant.

Were the screens any good up there?

I watch 8 Out Of 10 Cats
all the time and I love it.

You're so sweet.
Thank you for coming.

Next time we will be closer
and we will see your body.

- But I can see you now, high five.
- Thank you for coming.

Cheers, sweetheart.
All right.

How are you? Do you
have a problem with alcohol?

- No, I was thinking of her.
- I'm fine.

Hello, how's it going?

Good, thank you, how are you?

You're very on trend with the sparkliness,
everyone's very sparkly.

- It's my Christmas top.
- It's your Christmas top? Oh.

- Are you coming to the after-show party?
- The after-show party, is it in your pants?

No! Well...

- Oh, I see.
- It's at Byblos.

- What, sorry?
- Byblos in Merchant City.

It's in Byblos in Merchant City?
I have no idea...

Those are words,
but I don't understand what they mean.

I'll be OK.

Knockback.

I'll finger you on the table, how's that?

Right, then.

I love show business.
Thank you so much for coming.

I appreciate it, girls, thank you.
Is that your missus?

You're punching so far above your
weight, it's like a different league.

When you're in Glasgow
you punch above your weight.

Have you got low self-esteem?
What's gone wrong?

Who are you getting back at?

- Hello.
- Hello.

- You all right?
- Fine.

Thanks for coming.
How do you know each other?

- She's my lesbian lover.
- She's your lesbian lover?

- No, she wishes.
- Huh?

- She wishes.
- She wishes.

Give her a go, break her off a piece.

No. I love the cock too much.

"I love the cock too much." Brilliant.
A lot of people wouldn't say that.

Well, it's fine though, isn't it?

That's what I always say
whenever I've met a lesbian,

I've gone, "What would it take
to get you back on solids?"

It's my standard response.

- Thank you for coming.
- Thank you very much.

- How are you?
- Yeah, fine. Good show.

Oh, thanks for coming.

- I'm the girl from Dundee.
- You're the girl from Dundee?

I'm not into Buckie, but if you do chips
I might just get up the road with you.

You call it the road
cos so many men have been down it.

Thank you so much for joining in,
I appreciate it,

cos it kind of makes it for me
when people join in a little bit.

- And where are you from?
- Dundee.

You're from Dundee as well?
Well, I'm sorry for your trouble.

Took me up the road
for a bag of chips years ago,

still with him, eh?

- Well, he seems nice.
- They were nice chips.

You look all dressed up as well.
Thanks very much.

- Jimmy, can I ask a favour?
- Yeah, go on.

The last twice you've met my niece,
you've let her lick you.

- I've let her lick me?
- Yes.

Last night you let here lick you
and you let her lick you a year ago.

I think I know the girl,
the weird thing with the face lick.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, fine go ahead.

Thank you very much, Jimmy.

Hey, no problem at all.
Yeah, people are weird though, right?

- How are you?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Thanks for coming.
I appreciate it. Cheers.

- Hello. How do you know each other?
- Friends from school.

Friends from school?
How old are you?

- 18.
- 18? Really?

OK. I don't know. What's this new
meow meow like, is it good?

- Have you tried it?
- No, I've no tried it.

You haven't? Come on, you fags,
it's only a couple of quid.

Spent all your money
on tickets to comedy shows,

you should be
in a park being fingered.

Thank you for coming,
good luck in your studies, take care.

How are you? Very nice to meet you,
sorry it's taken so long.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Of course.

Did you actually break your virginity
at 26 or was that just a joke?

- No, genuinely, I was 26.
- No way.

- Yeah, seriously.
- You must have been a sad man.

Yeah, that's pretty sad, yeah.
It's all right, I'm living with it.

Thank you so much for coming.
Are you sisters or?

Just good friends.

- Are you?
- Met at college.

No, we're not.
We have men in our lives.

You say that. Where are these men
in your lives? I can't see anyone.

Very nice to meet you,
thank you for coming.

- Thanks, see you later.
- Thank you so much. Cheers.

- Hello.
- I'm the Michael Jackson fan.

- Oh, are you a massive fan?
- Not massive.

I was, back then, I was a big fan.

When he started fiddling with kids... Nyah!

- It put you off a bit.
- A little bit, yeah.

Also Earth Song can fuck off.

Thank you so much for coming though.

Thank you very much for coming.

Hi, hello.
Christ! Please don't hurt me.

How are you lads? You all right?

Very nice to meet you,
thanks for coming to the show.

Is that fashion or has the nit nurse been?

What? Oh, that's got him,
clearly the nits joke has found a home.

Thank you so much for coming, guys,
I really appreciate it.

Take care, man, have a good one.
Nice to meet you.

- You all right? Who's with who here?
- I'm his mother.

Well, isn't that marvellous?
Thanks for coming to the show.

- Thanks very much for coming.
- A question for you.

My mum came for sex ed,
she'd like to know what felching is.

Felching?
Oh, if you fuck someone in the arse,

and then you suck back the sperm
from the anal canal.

- There you go.
- I told you not to do that.

We're a close family.

Weirdly, my mother told me
what felching was.

We had a gay friend when I was growing up,
we had a gay friend,

and he told us kind of a thing,
what felching was,

so my mother explained
to me what it was.

It was weird.
"Really? People do that? Jesus."

Thank you for bringing each other.

You have the same sense of humour.
That's great. Thank you so much.

- Can I get a kiss?
- So nice to meet you.

- Can I have one?
- Of course you can. Fill your boots.

And I want one
if they're all getting one.

Nice to meet you all. Thank you
so much for coming, cheers.

- How are you guys?
- All right.

- Thank you for coming.
- 26?

Yes, literally 26,
actually a true thing.

- How fucking bad's that?
- 12, mate. 12.

- 12?
- Yeah.

Fucking hell.
My dad wasn't like that.

Thanks for coming and for joining in,
I really appreciate it.

Take care, man, cheers.

Hello, how are you? You all right?

Very nice to meet you, thank you
for coming and for waiting around.

Kind of, you start queuing
and go, "Shit. Oh, well, we'll..."

- It's good you do this.
- Worth it.

It's nice to say hello.

I'll tell you why I do it,
I went to see Chris Rock in Hammersmith

and I got to go backstage
cos I play Hammersmith a lot,

and I got to go backstage and literally all
I said was, "Hello, Chris, how are you?"

Literally two seconds, I went,
"Hello, Chris, how are you? Great gig."

That was it and it made it feel like
more of a night out.

- Yeah.
- It's nice to say hi.

Thanks for watching it.

Hello. Hello, ladies,
are we all going to have sex?

Come on, lets all have sex.
So, sisters?

Yes.

I've never had like a four-way,
but I bet you get...

Has anyone ever met you and
not asked, "Can we not all do?"

No, you're the first.

Could you talk Irish,
she's not Scottish?

Talk Irish? I can do... I'm Irish.

My people are from Limerick.

I would stab you
as soon as look at you.

I'm a plastic Paddy,

So I talk this way because I was educated
in the home counties.

Which goes to show what you can do
when you apply yourselves.

- Thanks a million.
- Cool.

Three of them, though,
that would be cool.

- Hi, how are you?
- Jimmy, how you doing?

- Really well.
- That's a good, strong handshake.

- I do a lot.
- Kudos for the Buckfast.

Thanks very much.

Could you possibly write,

"Jimmy wants to know,
Karen, will you marry Stephen?"

What? Sorry, are you proposing
to someone via a signature?

OK, Karen...

It's part of the proposal.

- Where's she this evening?
- At work. She's a police officer.

You've got to let me know
how that goes.

- So you're asking her to marry you?
- Yes, I am.

- Wonderful. Congratulations.
- Thank you.

Good luck.
She'll say yes, she's bound to.

Thanks everyone. That's the show done,
that's the end of the DVD.

Let's go and get very drunk.

Well, thanks very much.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Good. Right.
We'll move on, shall we?

My girlfriend said she wanted me
to tease her.

I said, "All right, fatty."

I was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago,
I got talking to a girl in the front row.

I asked her her name,
she said, "It's Pataka."

I said, "That's an unusual name,
you don't hear that every day."

To which she replied,

"Actually I do."

My girlfriend said to me,

she said, "Jimmy, we're at a crossroads
in our relationship,

"and down one road is hard work
and commitment

"but ultimately happiness.

"And down the other road,
well, the other road is a dead end."

And I said,

"That's not a crossroads,
that's a T-junction."

Well, I'm glad you laughed -
she went crazy.

If we're all God's children...

what's so special about Jesus?

Of course, you may be wondering
about my accent.

Of course, technically,
I don't have an accent,

I'm from England.

This is just how things sound
when they're pronounced properly.

I bought my girlfriend a book called
Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking,

which is ideal for her, because
not only is she a vegetarian...

They say travel broadens the mind,

except with Americans,

where it tends to widen the arse.

Don't get the wrong idea,
I've got nothing against Americans,

it's just one came up to me after a show
a couple of weeks ago

and said he thought
I was "pay-tronising".

I said, "Well, I think you'll find
that's pronounced 'patronising'."

"It means when you talk down
to someone."

"Don't worry,
I'm not being condescending.

"I'm far too busy thinking about important
things you wouldn't understand."

Did you know, you're eight times more likely
to get mugged in Montreal

than you are in New York City?

No!

It's because you don't live
in New York City.

Boxers.
Boxers don't have sex before a fight.

- Do you know why that is?
- Why?

They don't fancy each other.

The reason old men use Viagra
is not because they're impotent.

It's because old women...

are so very ugly.

Watching sex on telly with Mum and Dad,
that's embarrassing.

I didn't even know they knew
how to use the camcorder.

My girlfriend's always saying to me,

"You never tell me
how much you love me."

I don't want to upset her.

A couple of weeks ago,
I failed to perform sexually.

I know it will come as a shock.

I don't want to go into details,
but suffice to say

I arrived early.

And my girlfriend said to me,
"Don't worry,

"that happens to a lot of guys."

I said, "Well, there's two things
the matter with that.

"One, who are these 'a lot of guys',

"and, two, if it's happening to more than
one of us, don't you think...

"it could be your fault?"

When it comes to charity,
a lot of people will stop at nothing.

A woman stopped me on the street
the other day with a clipboard.

She said, "Could you spare a few minutes
for Cancer Research?"

I said, "All right, but we're not
going to get much done."

I saw one of those charity appeals
in the newspaper, it read -

"Little Zuki has to walk 15 miles
every day

"just to fetch water."

And I couldn't help thinking...

"She should move."

I'm going to have to go now,
ladies and gentlemen,

but I would like to leave you
with this frightening fact, if I may.

I'm not sure if you're aware of this,

but if you took all the money that we
in the West spend on food in one week,

you could feed the Third World
for one year.

Now, I don't know about you good people,
but I can't help feeling

we're being overcharged
for our groceries.

I've been Jimmy Carry.
Thank you very much indeed.

Well, I can't believe your luck. Hello.

I'm Jimmy Carr,
one of the biggest faces in comedy.

Literally,
I've got one of the biggest faces.

It's like the moon.

I'm probably affecting your menstrual cycle
just being this close.

I had hassle getting out tonight,
had to organise a baby-sitter.

I don't have children,

I've just found they're a lot cheaper
than escorts.

I saw a homeless guy
getting off the bus.

I thought,
"How does he know it's his stop?"

Men are no good at stopping
and asking for directions.

- Would you agree with that, ladies?
- Yes!

Well, I put my hand up to that. We are no
good at stopping and asking for directions.

Of course, on the other hand,
maybe we wouldn't have to,

if you could read a bloody map.

I said to my girlfriend, "You shouldn't eat
before you go swimming."

She said, "Why is that?"

I said, "You look fat."

Easy, easy. I'm being misogynistic
for comic effect.

I'm obviously not a misogynist.

I'm actually a very modern man.

I've got no problem
buying tampons,

but apparently
they're not a "proper present".

"Happy birthday, Mum!"

"It says 'super' on the box,
I don't know what you want."

Montreal, do you know what you're meant
to do if you're stung by a jellyfish?

Do you know what you're meant to do?
Shout out.

- Pee on it.
- That's exactly right.

You're meant to pee on it.

I went on holiday, everyone else knew,
I didn't know.

They told me, they said, "If you get stung
by a jellyfish you're meant to pee on it."

I'll tell you this much,
it doesn't work as well on shark bites.

The boy's family were livid.

Apparently, once they've been dead a
couple of hours there is nothing you can do.

Do you know what you're meant to do
if you're attacked by a bear?

- You're meant to play dead.

Do you know why
you're meant to play dead?

It's to get you used to
how you're going to be in a minute.

According to a new bit
of scientific research,

apparently women can tell
if a man wants a baby

just by looking
at the shape of his face.

Presumably, if it's like this...

that means he doesn't want a baby.

And if it's like this...

it means the conception
will involve a turkey baster.

There are ten million obese children
in America today.

That's a frightening fact, isn't it?
Ten million obese children.

Do you realise, if they all jumped
up and down at the same time...

they might lose a little bit of weight.

It's the excuses that get me.

"It's water retention."

It's cake retention.

"It's a thyroid problem."

What are you taking for that? Pies?

"The camera adds ten pounds."

Stop eating bloody cameras!

When I was at school
I had a friend called Anthony.

I'm not proud of this, but it happened.
We were at a party, we were quite drunk -

he was very drunk, he passed out,

and myself and another friend,
we shaved his eyebrows off.

He was really surprised.

But you couldn't tell.

My favourite thing
about natural disasters,

and I know it's wrong to have a list,

certainly getting it laminated
was a mistake,

but my favourite thing about natural
disasters is they call them "acts of God",

and then two days later
they have a "day of prayer".

So they have a day of prayer for an act
of God. How does that prayer go?

"Dear Lord, what the hell
was that all about?"

Creationists, the hardline
right-wing Christians,

creationists believe every word
Genesis says.

I don't even think Phil Collins
is a good drummer.

It's 20 years
since the Chernobyl disaster.

Is it just me that's surprised?

Still no superheroes.

I recently had the sexual history
conversation

where my girlfriend said to me, "I'd like to
know about your previous sexual history."

And I said, "Oh, no, you wouldn't."

She pushed me on it, she insisted,

eventually I had to list
everyone I'd ever been with,

from the girl I lost my virginity to,
right the way up to her,

and that is where
I should have stopped.

I've been Jimmy Carr. Good night.
Thank you, cheers.

Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr.

Well, thank you very much. Erm...

When I told my mum I wanted to grow up
and be a comedian, she said,

"You can't do both."

I'm British, of course,

and what makes Britain great
is our ability to laugh at ourselves.

When I say ourselves,
I mean other people.

And when I say laugh,
I mean invade.

People ask me,
"What were you like at school?"

So I tell them.

I was a little black girl.

I had a great cab driver the other day
in Montreal, he was driving along,

he was very happy, he was whistling
and smiling, in a very good mood.

He said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss,
nobody tells me what to do."

I said, "Left here."

I was in the airport -
those treadmills they've got are huge.

They're much better than the ones
in the grocery store.

I get very self-conscious.

One of my favourite things
to do in the world -

do you know the animal rights people
you get in the street?

You get these animal rights people
and they've got a little kiosk they set up,

and they've got terrible,
horrible posters put up,

taken in laboratories where they're doing
experiments on animals.

Have you all seen those?
They're horrible.

You're out doing your shopping
and you see them on the street.

They're images of emaciated dogs
in tiny cages and...

and rabbits that have been shaved,
with wires coming out of them,

a monkey missing the top of its head
but you can tell it's still alive,

they're doing some sort
of neurological test,

and a cat that's having stuff put in its eyes
to test whether it's safe for us.

What I like to do on an afternoon
if I'm bored

and I'm at the shops and I'm walking down
the street and I see one of those kiosks,

I walk up to it and say,

"I'll have the one of the monkey,
please."

Sex is always better in hotels.
Have you noticed that?

Sex is always better in hotels.
Why is that?

Is it cos it's with a hooker?

Is that it? Is that it?

Yeah, that's it.

I saw a story in the local paper

about an 87-year-old woman
marrying a 93-year-old man.

Is it wrong that I looked at that
and thought,

"That's not gonna last."

I worry about my grandmother.

If she's alone in the house
and she falls,

does she make a sound?

What happens
if you spill carpet cleaner?

When someone recommends a book to me
and they say, "It's a page-turner."

I always think,
"Yeah, I know how books work."

I met a girl that was scared
of dwarves.

So I asked her, "Are you also scared of
normal people when they're far away?"

Women like to dance with men,

because women think if they dance
with a man they'll be able to tell

what he's like in the bedroom.
And it is a good indicator -

I tend to dance for about 30 seconds
then have a bit of a cry.

I told my girlfriend
my ultimate sexual fantasy

was to have two women
at the same time.

And she agreed.

But then she was very upset
when I told her she wasn't either of them.

I was in the supermarket, it said "buy two,
get one free", but I only wanted one,

so I took the free one.

Have you ever looked at a bill in a restaurant
where it says "service not included",

and thought, "No, it wasn't, was it?"

I'm trying to eat better, ladies
and gentlemen, to lose a little bit of weight,

so I'm having oatmeal every morning
for breakfast.

And it's such a boring thing to eat.

I was reading the box of oatmeal,
it says on the box "no added colour".

I thought, "It's grey.

"Do they think I think
they're adding extra grey?"

I don't know if any of the other men
in the room have this,

but my girlfriend tells me about her day
in real time.

Right, last thing from me,
ladies and gentlemen.

Surely the best thing
about getting a face transplant...

- Oh, yeah.

Surely the best thing
about getting a face transplant

would be turning up at the donor's funeral
and going, "Whooooo."

I've been Jimmy Carr. Thank you
very much indeed, cheers. Good night.

Thank you, cheers.

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the original festival in Montreal
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