Original subtitles

It's a bit of a suntrap, this bus stop.

GURGLE Is that your tummy gurgling?

Yeah, yeah. Have you had enough to eat?

You know I always have enough to eat. That's the trouble.

Well, yes, I know. How's that button doing?

Oh, no, it's not pinging off any more!

That's good. You've lost a bit of weight.

Oh, no, it's coming up now, the bubble.

Let me see if can get it.

PARP Oh! Was that a fart I just...

It was not a fart! You squeezed a fart out then! That was not a fart.

It literally went bip!

I didn't fart in a bus stop! Bip!

No, you farted in a boiler suit. Oh...

Goodbye, My Love, Goodbye by Demis Roussos

On the Ionian isle of Corfu,

Alan and I are nearing the end of our summer.

Woo!

As well as looking for love...

Here, do you know any gays?

I do.

Come on, then.

..and helping out at an animal shelter...

Oh, my gosh! There we are.

..we're transforming a ruin into a gorgeous family holiday home.

Oh, my God, this is better than I ever thought it would be.

We've completed all the rooms.

This looks really cool. This could be in a magazine.

But there's still one last space to conquer.

Oh, God, what are we going to do?

I feel this is perfect for, like, entertaining and stuff.

It's so near the kitchen. Did you say light entertaining?

No... Ladies and...

No rest for you.

I know. Have a day off, Alan.

No, this is nice for entertaining.

Yes. So, you mean, like, we could have a table?

Yeah, yeah, like an outdoor kitchen or something like that. Yes!

It's exciting because we've got two gardens this time.

We've got a traditional garden, and then at the back

is going to be a fun garden where all the socialising happens.

What about, like, a pergola over a table with lights?

I like that. And a barbecue.

I love a barbecue as well.

I think it's going to be so lovely.

Can you imagine sitting there with the sunset

and you've got a barbecue and a pe... what, pergola?

Whatever that does.

Alan, we'll just have, like, hard landscaping, and then...

Why's it called hard landscaping?

Is it cos it's hard?

SHE LAUGHS Hard flooring.

Oh. I don't know!

Gravel, just gravel everywhere.

It would be amazing to have a swimming pool,

but I know we can't have one with the budget. We haven't got any space.

What about a plunge pool though? A little... A plunge pool, 100%.

Or a little tub or something, just to cool down in.

And then get in naked.

Naked? Oh!

No, you could!

A cold plunge pool is an absolute necessity here.

It's good for your blood, it's good for your fat cells,

good for your brain.

It's really good.

For privacy, Alan, we'll put a fence up there

so we can be in the cold tub.

Yeah, as nature intended us to be. Exactly.

Lovely.

Before we get our hands dirty,

we're treating ourselves to a special trip.

Fish is a staple of Corfiot dishes,

and as it's the perfect food to cook up a storm on our barbecue,

we've organised a masterclass in sourcing catch of the day.

Green is your colour. Do I look like a pirate?

No.

We've come to meet fisherman Babis...

Looks cute. Nice to meet you. Ship ahoy!

..along with his sister and father, Captain Spiros,

who's been fishing on Ionian waters for the past 45 years.

Welcome. This is amazing. Yeah, and don't worry... Yes.

..just because were dressed like gangsters, we're not gangsters.

Ah, OK. We will see at the end of the day.

Yes. I'm not packing. No.

So, we are ready to start. Are you ready? Yes, let's do it.

Woo! Brap, brap, brap!

OK, let's go.

The Ionian Sea is full of marine life,

and the most common fish Babis catches daily are the red snappers.

Rich in vitamin A, potassium and omega-3,

they can help contribute to a long, healthy life.

In England, we get told all the time about the Mediterranean diet.

Yes. Fish and salad... Olive oil. Olive oil. And olives.

Do you eat that every day?

Yes, of course. He's actually 74 years old.

74, yes.

We try. We eat fish three, four days every week.

In wintertime, we catch the tuna, swordfish, cuttlefish,

calamari, squid, everything.

Sometimes the sea is very windy with the big waves.

The boat's like... Yes.

Has the coastguard ever come out to save you?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, sometimes. Of course. Oh, my God.

But not today, not today. No, not today.

To have a decent chance of catching something,

we're using shrimp as bait

and dropping the line 45 metres to the seabed.

When you have bite on your rod, you will see some vibrations.

Tack-tack-tack. Oh.

That's the line. Touch it?

Yes. I don't understand.

THEY LAUGH

If you bring the line up to check...

Oh, OK. Yes. Coming up.

Oh, we need more bait.

They got it!

They've had me shrimp! How did they do that? That's sneaky.

Feel the bite...to watch the rod.

I feel like I've been conned, you know?

Leave it and wait. I am.

Oh, I've got one.

Bring the line up. Oh! Oh, what've you got?

It's coming. No way? Yes.

Opa! Oh! Oh, my God, that's amazing!

Vame! Aw! Well done.

He's so sweet. Can we just put him back?

Back? Yes. Amanda, it's our tea, though.

No, it's not our tea. Put him back in. And the lunch on the boat?

I'm going to have salad. And the pirate here is very hungry.

Goodbye, darling.

OK. Goodbye. Oh, my God, Amanda.

Goodbye.

See you next year! Oh!

How you feel now? Happy. Happy?

Yes, I caught one and he's lived.

Amanda, when you come fishing, you do know what fishing entails?

You know you've got to catch a fish?

Yes, but you can put them back.

Luckily, the other fishermen on the boat aren't so sentimental,

so we've still got a decent catch for lunch.

He thinks we're idiots.

And in true Greek style, simplicity is key -

lightly frying the fish with flour, salt and oregano.

And your fish.

Oh, wow. Alan, that looks amazing.

Yamas! Yamas! Yamas! Yamas! Woohoo!

We hope you have a great day with us.

We've had the best time. Thank you so much,

and sorry about throwing the fish back in.

OK. Sorry. No problem.

I've just seen that fish wave at us.

THEY LAUGH

In Kokkini, Alan and I have had a busy morning

cutting back overgrown plants

and clearing the garden space

so we can get started on building our bespoke barbecue

using leftover stone from the seating around the olive tree.

There was a perfectly good barbecue at that shop.

As I said to you, Mr Carr, we don't need a tiny-weeny metal...

We're making one that's fit for Fred Flintstone. Look at that.

With the help of Stamatis and his top stonemasons,

we're having to chip away at the stones until they're square.

Look, it's tricky.

Oh, give over, love!

It's an ancient craft known as ashlar masonry,

which has been used by the Greeks for over 7,000 years.

Right, what do you want me to do, love?

OK, we need to find the right stone now.

Just get another... Do you want square?

This. Similar to this, yeah?

I do jigsaws.

This is nature's jigsaw, so I'll find us a nice square...

Now, that's great. Look at that.

Yeah, this is good. That's good? Yeah.

You have a gift.

Finding a square stone... Yeah.

..is up there with you with a glue gun.

Yeah, honestly. I've got two skills now.

Oh, my God, look at this.

It's like finding a pearl in an oyster. Look at that.

I'm like one of those sniffer dogs at the airport. Yeah.

See if we can spot a wrong 'un.

Another beauty.

One under your feet, there. Which one did you like, love?

That one? Yep. Right, coming up.

You would literally be able to go anywhere and find a square stone.

There you go. Oh, this is good.

We've got a BOGOF today. Do you want another one?

This is good. It just fit.

Oh, look at that, watching that go in. Perfect, so good. Isn't it?

He's still not happy with that. He's like me, in't he?

Will not relax until it's perfect.

We're nearly there, Alan.

This is probably some of the most gruelling work we've done.

I know. But it's literally...we are nearly at the end.

And it's typical, innit, you find a job you enjoy on the last day?

I can't believe you love being a rock finder!

After a day of hard labour, we're off to master

one last iconic Greek tradition before leaving the island.

But a late summer storm might be upending our plans.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Ooh! Did you see that?

SHE GASPS

Fork. Over there. What did you say?

Listen, I'm not... THUNDER CRACKS

That's above our head.

Did you see that? One thousand,

two thousand, three thousand... Three thousand...

THEY GASP

Oh, my actual God! That was like... Did you see that?

That was terrifying. What do you reckon?

We're not letting the rain stop play.

It's all gone down my back. My knickers are soaked!

Let me get underneath it.

We've come to Imerolia in Kassiopi...

Hello! Hello!

..to learn the famous dance from Zorba The Greek

with maestro Demetrios.

Have you ever danced in a storm before?

Many times.

I've danced on roller-skates in front of the King,

so I have quite good, extensive dance skills.

I did the splits, didn't I?

By accident, yes. By acc...

THEY LAUGH

Today, Demetrios is teaching us how to master the art of sirtaki...

Ready?

..a dance choreographed for the 1964 film.

OK, the left front, right up.

Very good. Left up.

Oh, my God. Left.

The dance has slow steps...

Now open the left.

Right, close the left.

..and energetic jumps...

And everybody say opa!

Opa!

Oh, wow!

Very good.

..and steadily gets more difficult as the tempo increases.

And one, back and left, and...

Oh, ow!

Sorry, I didn't mean to kick you!

The concentration, it's too much.

It's not easy? It's not easy. Oh, come on!

You make it look so... THUNDER CRACKS

Oh, the gods are angry, Alan.

You want to try to the music?

I think I'm ready for the music. Oh! I'm not, but it'll be a laugh.

I kept forgetting to breathe, did you?

Yeah, I just... I—I just didn't take my eyes off people's feet.

Ah! Opa.

And left down, front right.

I couldn't do it if I didn't... If I was looking up, I wouldn't know

what I was doing. No, no, no.

And one more three. Yeah. To the right, and the left foot now.

And one the right, and over the right and...

Alan, I love your technique cos you've got a little dip in there.

I've got a dip in there. And you're pointing your toes. One...

I am! How do you know I'm pointing them?

Can you see through me moccasins? Yeah! And right down.

This music's getting faster, I can tell. Don't pretend it's not.

Remember, three to the right. One, two, three...

Oh, come off it.

I didn't realise how mischievous that song is,

because it lures you in under a false sense of security.

One, two, three, away!

But, yeah, for me it was a bit like...

..you know when you get on, like, a waltzer or a roller-coaster... Yeah.

..and the music, and you go, "Oh, no, this is getting faster and faster"?

Right, one, two, three. Left.

Right. Right. Oh. Left one more.

Feels a bit like, "Get off, get off, get off!"

And then we were stuck on it. Yeah, we were stuck. It was fun, though!

And everybody say...

Opa!

Oh, my God. Well done.

Wow.

Oh! That is a calorie burner, that is.

I feel shattered.

I don't know what was going to get me first,

the fork lightning or a stitch!

THUNDER RUMBLES

It's the Greek gods saying, "Get off this island!" "Go home!"

"You've done enough." Yeah, please.

"You've done us a lovely house, but we've had enough of your cackling,

"your drinking, your dancing and your joking. Go home."

It's a new day and the sun is shining.

The builders have been forging ahead creating our bespoke pergola...

..so I've arrived at the house to help out,

but it's not as I imagined.

Good morning. Hello. How you doing?

Yes, good. You?

Well, just, you need to... I don't like the face!

..talk me through this.

Is there something that you don't like?

The whole house is so perfect and it's looking so nice,

but this thing is almost the same size as the house.

Oh, my God, I—I can't... I won't be able to hold back.

It's a little bit big?

It's big, it's metal, it's in front of the window we just found.

Mm-hm. It's the only place that's sunny. Mm-hm.

The plunge pool was going to go there. Mm-hm.

This is the sunbathing area, that's the dining room.

OK. If we make it with wood... Yeah?

..then it's going to last three, four years,

you need to keep painted, you need to... Yeah, fair enough.

That's why I want to make it with metal. Yeah. OK?

And now if I have to put the plunge pool over there,

all the leaves from the trees are just going to be in the plunge pool.

Hmm.

I have an idea.

We're going to take out these two poles,

and we put them there and move everything on the other side.

That's genius.

Stamatis, I love this idea. Thank you.

God. Ah.

Is that set? Damn!

As Stamatis and his team get to work moving the cemented poles

out of the ground and into their new position...

Oh, mamma mia!

..me and my dad, Les, who's over on holiday,

are waiting on the sidelines before we can get stuck in.

How do you say pergola?

I... I don't know. Do you say per-guh-la,

or do you say per-go-la? I always thought it was per-guh-la...

Shall we call it per-go-la?

Cos we had a pergola in our back garden made of wood

that you made... Yeah. ..from scratch.

It had like a four-inch rustic pole. Yeah. Yeah. Really nice.

And then... Are we allowed to criticise them?

Yes. I just laid into him, poor man.

I thought it was a carport.

Let's go and give them a hand. Right.

Agh...

Stamati, I cannot believe how fast this changed.

What do you think, it looks nice?

I think Greek builders are the best.

OK.

With the poles now securely in position

and the pergola reduced in size...

Oh, my God. It's heavy.

..my dad and I...

Really bloody heavy.

..with the aid of Adonis...

I'm going to help you. You do it with my...

Oh, my God! Yeah, you can do that.

..can fit the ceiling slats into place.

Are you OK there with that?

That's good. What do you think?

Well, I think, actually, it looks good metal. Yeah.

Cos this is that lovely soft sage green,

so it matches the kitchen.

Too much talking. Sorry.

Ooh! Oh, he's worse than you.

Oh, my God.

Once the slats are in position,

we have to ensure they're evenly spaced out...

So, we need to... How much is this gap?

My side, 56.5.

Is there a maths teacher anywhere?

..before they're welded in place to stand the test of time.

Can we hold him to a guarantee?

Yeah, if it falls down in two years, will you come back?

Yes. Let's get him to sign.

As Amanda and Les join Judy to cool off with an ice cream...

Oh, my God, that looks amazing.

Amanda, do they do chocolate flakes?

No. Oh.

Mm!

..I'm on site for my 11.30 appointment with Adonis.

After the success of Amanda's circular bath,

he's made a plunge pool for us.

Are these the tiles?

Yeah.

And to save on waste, we're using Amanda's bathroom rejects.

Do we have to work quite quickly?

Yeah, you have to be fast, eh?

I'm fast. Try your best. Yeah, OK, right, right.

As we're working in 30 plus degrees,

the heat can cause the tile adhesive to set in minutes.

You will let me know when I put this on, yeah?

Oh, no, I will show you, come inside and we install together.

For me and Adonis to be in such an intimate space together...

..it's going to, erm...

Yeah, it's going to be interesting.

See how it goes, how it looks like.

That's so easy, I love it.

Hmm. Is that good? Yeah.

Are we putting these on the floor as well?

Yeah. Oh, God.

Do you reckon it might be too much, Adonis?

We finish the wall. Yeah.

And then we see.

It looks a bit leisure centre-y, but....

Um, maybe. Yeah.

In every town in England, you have a leisure centre

and there would be a swimming pool,

and there were signs that said, "No heavy petting", "No kissing".

Nothing? Nothing.

Ah.

When I was handing Adonis the tiles,

I felt a frisson, a buzz.

I'm just getting out of the bath, OK?

You're leaving?

No, I'm getting some more, don't worry.

What would I do by myself alone? Exactly.

I don't know what to say about the plunge pool,

but I want to swim in Adonis's eyes.

Are you married, Adonis?

Why are you asking? Just making conversation.

CHUCKLING

People think Amanda's my wife. Oh.

And that's why I'm single, you see, they think I'm already taken.

No, I'm single too. Oh, OK.

Hard, isn't it, trying to find the right person?

Yeah. Maybe you came to the right place.

Well, you know, people do come to Corfu and find love, don't they?

Yeah. And then they leave.

Yeah, I get the hint.

LAUGHTER

With the tiles in place, Adonis applies stucco,

a wet cement mixture that when dry will create a smooth finish.

I've been looking for love on the island.

Yeah? Amanda put me on a lonely-hearts app, you know,

for single people.

You know me now here, why you need the app?

Oh... Don't tease.

Love may be on the horizon for Alan,

but there's also a new guy in my life.

He's clean, he's domesticated. Yeah.

He wants to be loved.

I just knew I had to take him.

I mean, it's lovely that you found a new cat in Corfu.

I've broken my promise not to take a stray home.

Over the summer I've taken a shine to a cat

that I just couldn't leave behind.

Look at this, if I go down my top,

I've had a T-shirt down there all day

so he can smell his new mummy.

I thought you'd put on weight.

And now he's in the safe hands of Amanda, who runs Corfu Cattery.

Aw!

Anyone who loves animals is a friend of ours.

Come on in.

Amanda's currently caring for 22 cats and is helping me prepare

all the necessary requirements to take my adopted feline back home.

So, he is down here.

Ooh, ooh.

Hello, my baby.

Gosh, Alan, look.

That cat's just bitten me.

Oh, you gorgeous, gorgeous boy.

Hello, beautiful. He's purring so loudly.

You're going to come and live with me.

Ooh.

He wants to come home with Uncle Alan.

Ooh, no, don't go under there. Oh, God, can we get him out?

Don't worry. He can't get out, can he? Come here.

Oh, that's how she gets me out of bed in the morning.

I can't blinking believe this. Come out.

He's hidden underneath the flooring.

He doesn't want part of the showbiz life.

Come on.

He doesn't want to be at The Ivy or in Hello magazine

or on a red carpet.

If the worse comes to worst, it's only pallets,

I can just take them out.

I think I might have to call him Houdini.

Because he's literally just disappeared on me.

Come on, then.

I'm not saying body odour, but it might be

the smell of the T-shirt that's making the cat run off.

I can see you in there.

I'll just take the floor up.

If you don't mind me getting my husband and a screwdriver.

LAUGHTER

Did you get him out?

No, but, but...

I wouldn't take it personally. Oh, I'm not taking it personally.

I just wanted to give him a big cuddle.

He's back in his cage. Oh.

There.

We just need you to come home now, don't we?

Back at the house, it's been a massive team effort.

The pool is plastered.

The gravel's been levelled.

And now we're getting the outdoor kitchen party-ready.

Oh, I love the smell of these. Oh, they look gorgeous...

Yeah, they're like mini olives.

..as we're preparing to say a big thank you to all our local friends.

These are the chairs from the kids' room,

and you know I'm obsessed with a stripe.

Yes, you love a stripe.

Perfect.

Look at it. It's beautiful. It is a thing of beauty.

Oh, gosh, and isn't it lovely that this garden...

Yeah. ..gets sun all day?

And we've got the pergola there.

We painted it, like, a very soft green,

so it's got the continuity from the kitchen.

Nice, innit?

And then we've got a barbecue.

We've got one for life.

And a plunge pool.

All your friends come round, you open a bottle of wine,

then finish the night off by having a little dip in the plunge pool.

I think you should take the plunge with Adonis.

I'm going to dive straight in.

Can you believe that we have actually done it?

I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you too.

We've done it, Alan. Aw.

It's even worse on the inside!

Over the course of our Corfiot summer...

I literally feel like I'm in my own movie.

SCREAMING

..we've fallen in love with the island's animals...

Hello, Wogan.

Oh, darling, you are a softie.

..the wonderful friends we've made...

Hi. How are you? So exciting to see you here.

It's so lovely to meet you. Lovely to see you.

Oh, my God.

No, no, naughty Yiayia.

AMANDA SHRIEKS

..and wholeheartedly embraced Greek culture.

And after a lot of elbow grease...

Argh!

Oh, watch it.

..we've turned our Greek ruin into a gorgeous family holiday home.

Even though it's probably one of the smallest properties we've done,

and I think the most difficult we have ever done,

I honestly think it's my favourite.

And I think our renovation does sort of symbolise Corfu, really -

unpretentious, it's natural, it's real.

And it's homely.

There are so many places where you can sit, grab a book,

go on the floating bed or by the window in one of the bedrooms.

Places where you can just go... And escape from your own family.

Escape... If you need to.

And that's what family holidays are about. Exactly.

Going away with your family, then trying to get away from your family.

That's so true though. That's true.

Before we bid our farewell, our fabulous friends we've made

over the summer are arriving at the house to see it in all its glory.

Would you like a crisp? I spoil you here, don't I?

Mwah. Wow, that's lovely.

Oh, my God, we've got a bee. Yeah.

Spiros! How are you?

I'm fine. Lefteris, nice to see you.

What do you think? It looks perfect.

I love this. It's beautiful.

It's our living space, it's gorgeous, isn't it?

It is. Come up to my intellectual reading room.

So relaxing. That's what I wanted.

Can I show you my bathroom? It's perfection.

We could all get in there!

Look at this, bed's in the ceiling.

Yeah. Can I claim the top bunk?

LAUGHTER

Come and have a look at the master bedroom. Come on, Adonis.

Ah.

Aw!

You're naughty. Yeah, see you, bye.

Oh. We're alone.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

We need to get these guys a beer, because if it wasn't for you,

none of this would have happened.

This whole experience, I think, I feel like we are family.

Yes. It's felt like, you know, we've got to know everybody,

and it's...it's killing me that we're going on this one.

I feel really choked up about leaving.

I know, I love it here.

I'm going to be honest, I haven't had the Shirley Valentine

experience, love hasn't really been knocking at my door.

But I have felt very loved-up.

It's like what Durrell said, it was the magnetic isle.

Yeah. I mean, we've always been a bit sentimental

when we've finished a renovation, but this time it feels personal.

It does feel really personal. Really personal.

Stamatis.

Thank you, that's a new one.

The Greek god... Yamas. ..of building.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Everyone is loving it, people are going into different rooms,

they're loving different things.

They love it. How do you feel about this?

I feel, erm...

Are you OK?

Aw! It's because it's over.

Aw. Yes, because it's over now.

Like, we always think that we leave a piece of us

in every property that we do, but I think more than ever,

because I love it here so much, I am definitely leaving...

It's a special place. ..a piece of me here.

Oh, no.

Aw. Ah.

We appreciate every single person here that's gone above

and beyond to make this an amazing experience.

It's been unbelievable.

We have had the best summer.

Oh, my gosh, the best summer ever.

We're so grateful, so thank you. Thank you.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

Yamas. Yamas!

And I think there's only one way

that we can get this party started...

Really? ..in true Greek style.

Ouzo.

Yes, ouzo! Yes, Stamatis.

Not ouzo, not ouzo.

Zorba's Dance by Mikis Theodorakis

Ah! Opa!

Come on, everyone, will you dance with us?

Yeah! Come on! Yes!

Come on! Come on.

Kick, step, kick, step, kick...

Can you remember it, Alan?

No. I can't remember it.

Come on, get involved, come on.

None of us know what we're doing.

Oh, no, it's getting faster.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC SPEEDS UP

Round the olive tree, let's spread it round.

I'm going to kick you.

Join, join, join, come on!

Opa!

I'm still going!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING