Original subtitles

I've had enough of this.

No cars, please.

Phone Amanda.

People just keep parking in our garden

and using it as a drive.

I know. In England we don't do that.

But this is my lorry.

Oh, is it YOUR lorry?

Oh, OK. You...

I'll let you park. You can park here.

I'll give you a permit. OK.

In the traditional village of Kokkini

on the Greek island of Corfu,

we're renovating, Ionian style.

Oh, my God!

With the help of our expert builders...

It does look like hummus.

Ah...ha!

..we're turning this roadside ruin into a family holiday home.

Oh, no, no, no!

No! What are you doing? There.

Perfect.

So far, we've completed the living room,

children's bedroom,

kitchen, and the master bedroom.

Now we're transforming the unloved patch of land

at the front of the house into a garden.

So the garden, I think, out of everything so far

that we've done, is going to end up being the best garden ever.

And best of all,

I'm thinking chandeliers in the trees.

This is Alan.

And Stamatis has called in

horticultural expert Spiros to help us.

This is going to be a massive challenge, I feel.

I hate this garden. Well...

I mean, we've got two good things. Shall we start with that?

We've got an orange tree. And an olive tree.

I'd love some wild flowers because of, like, pollination.

Who are you?

I'm not green-fingered,

but how hard can it be

to put a plant in a soil?

The gardens I plant always have

Mediterranean plants for bees... Yes. ..and lion flies. It's...

We want no mosquitoes, but lots of bees. Not mosquitoes.

On this olive tree,

we were saying we want, like, round seating.

Like all the way round.

A stone round? Yes, yes. Yes. That'd be pretty.

A 4,000-year-old olive tree.

I want to show that off. Not 4,000.

No, the man told me it's 4,000. Really?

How...? How many years is it, Spiros?

200. 200?

200. How do you know that? How do you know?

From the size, I'm... This is my job.

I'm getting a lot of mixed messages about the olive tree.

So until I get it carbon-dated,

I'm not going to comment any further.

It's well old, and it's wrinkly.

And then I've got this idea to put an outdoor chandelier.

What is this? In the tree.

Can you please explain?

A big light. It is a very good idea. It is a very good idea.

No. No. Oh. It's not.

You have an old olive tree and... 4,000 years old.

..like a Christmas tree?

Yes. I'm telling you,

people always start like this with my ideas,

and then, by the end, they go, "Oh, I see your vision."

This glamorous makeover doesn't stop in the garden.

The exterior of the house needs a face-lift, too.

So while the builders make a start re-rendering the house,

we need to get the lowdown on

what plants can survive a Corfiot summer.

Do you reckon it's ever going to rain here?

We've come back to Sara and Kenny's place

to meet their gardener, Yannis.

You have an amazing tan, Yannis.

You have nice colour, too. Thanks.

Yannis transformed an abandoned hillside

into a thriving Mediterranean garden.

Just stunning!

Oh, my gosh! You see, look at this.

I love this garden, Alan, because it looks very wild

and like it's sort of part of the environment already.

Yeah. We try to blend the garden with the horizon.

Ah, fantastic.

It's all about the senses, isn't it?

It's everywhere you go, there's a smell... Exactly.

..or there's a gorgeous sight line or something.

Yeah. Always is something. Yes.

Agapanthus. The blue ones. Yes.

And the gauras, the white and the pink.

Rosemary's here.

Is it true that this rosemary is good for mosquitoes,

keeping them away? Yes, they keeping away.

We have a lot of lavender here. Oh, good.

Yes, it's a very nice and strong plant.

Yannis, I'm going to tell you something. Are you?

You know the human eye? Yes.

It can differentiate more shades of the colour green

than any other colour.

Did you know that fact already? Yes, I knew.

Oh, why are we here, then? Come on, let's get on with the garden.

As well as low-maintenance plants and herbs...

Here is oregano.

And the most easier is this one, the wild geranium.

Oh.

That'd go nice in the bath. Oh, yeah.

We'd like to encourage biodiversity.

We used to hate bees,

but now we love bees because they are declining, you know.

Exactly. And now, you know...

Do you remember in the day you used to go, "Agh! Bee!"

And now you're like, "Please come on in and..." "Welcome, bees."

What are the flies called

that just have those silly legs that just do that?

I don't know how to say it in English. I hate them.

Yes, I understand. I understand.

They're just, like, there. They're like they can't be bothered.

They just go around.

They just annoy you and look scary.

Just... I've just seen a glimpse of the future.

It'll be you and me, kid.

There's rosemary everywhere.

A lot of rosemary and a lot of lavenders. Rosemary and lavender.

Mm. It's perfect for our garden. I think that's all we need,

to be honest. I think... Yeah. And maybe some agapanthus.

It's an early start, and while the builders

are busy plastering the house, I need my caffeine fix.

Hello. Hello. Good morning. How are you?

I need a coffee. Yes. A very strong coffee. Very strong.

I've got a big day.

Oh, my God, my first coffee of the day,

I get, like, butterflies in my stomach for.

How sad is that?

Luckily for me, the Greeks like it strong, too,

making it with finely ground beans

and served unfiltered for a big caffeine kick.

Thank you very much.

Enjoy your coffee. Thank you.

Wow.

It's definitely an acquired taste. OK, your coffee?

Yes. It's lovely. OK.

Did that typical British thing.

Yay!

It's definitely not my cup of tea, or...

You know what I mean.

Whilst Amanda is riding high on her morning coffee,

I'm all abuzz as I'm finally putting an end

to our garden being a lay-by.

I have a very British sensibility.

I've always wanted to know what's my land,

what's the road, what's the neighbours'?

Get off my land.

So I've roped in Stamatis and Harris to work out

the precise coordinates of our boundary line.

So what are we doing here?

When you buy something here,

you buy the coordinates.

Given the numbers, we can write it down. Yes? Yes.

I need to. It's 44. 44.

0816... 168.

Is that your phone number? No. OK.

No.

It's just a bit of building site banter.

So this is the road,

this is my land.

Correct.

Can we push it a little bit more?

Get a bit more back? No.

Why not? Because we're not allowed.

In the UK, fences are a big deal.

We love a fence.

Now the coordinates have been confirmed,

we can mark out the boundary line.

You hold my pad. Yeah. Thank you.

Careful. There's all notes on there.

No, no, no.

Go low. Low. Low.

Low, low, low, low, low.

How's your back?

I've done pilates. It's here.

Yeah.

Between you and me, I stole a bit of the road,

so I feel like I have, like, got a bit extra for my money.

Whilst I'm still caffeine fuelled...

..I've joined Alan at the house

to build a stone seat around our ancient olive tree.

Grab hold of that wheelbarrow.

Wheelbarrow.

All right, come on, then.

It'll be made using a traditional

technique that we've seen all around the island.

So we've got the whole team in, including expert stonemasons.

One of the most difficult things is to do this.

I mean, build bricks is not so difficult. No.

Especially when you...

Because they're square and they're a regular shape.

Yeah. And when you cover them with plaster,

you know... Yeah. ..then you don't mind

if they're not perfect straight.

So this has to be sort of perfectly imperfect.

Yes.

That's amazing. That is the title of your next book.

That is amazing.

I love that. Perfect.

Can I have a sit down?

Because that's... That was deep.

So follow this line around...

To ensure the seating is a perfect circle,

we've marked a ring around the tree

where the wall will go.

I'm taking one side

and Alan will take the other.

Is there a special way. So, that way?

The trick is to get the stones

to slot together just right.

Is this good, Stamatis? Yeah, yeah. Put a little bit more.

This is like nature's jigsaw.

Good?

Do you see?

ROCKS CLATTER Oh.

Now, where's the stone?

How neat mine is.

It's actually quite satisfying.

I'm trying to find the perfect stone.

Amanda's definitely winning this race, you know.

Well, it's clear, isn't it?

There's one woman here,

and there's four men over there.

I think that says everything.

See? That's nice,

but would you say that's too big?

That's the thing with Alan.

I know he does need the support,

especially with big things like this.

Um...

He's contributing.

He thinks he's doing a lot.

You just say, "Well done, Alan. Well done."

Alan? What, love?

Do you want a little tea break?

No.

Wow.

I will not relax until this is complete.

That's a good one. OK.

I now pronounce this olive tree seating open.

After an exhausting day,

we're unwinding in Kalami Bay on the north-east of the island,

and I've got a little surprise for Alan.

How much do you like to engage in water sports, Alan?

Hmm.

I thought we should try a sofa.

A sofa. A sofa. Has it got a back that I can put me back on?

It's got, like, a plasma screen.

Everything's on it. And you just...

Has it got one of those things? Ladyboys.

Yeah. Not ladyboy.

Ladyboy!

Things are looking up.

OK. Let's go.

Oh, thank you.

Lovely. Thank you.

Thank you.

OK. Are you ready? Yes. Yes.

Yes. OK. Let's go.

OK. I leave you in good hands. OK.

OK. Thank you.

Hold on tight.

Let's go.

Oh-oh, I didn't know it was this.

Oh, no!

I'm not used to that.

Go faster!

Whaaaaa!

Why did you say that?

Aghhhhhh!

Aghhhh! Oooh!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

You've ruined it!

Oh!

Agh!

Slow down!

I think I'm dead.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my gosh!

Thank you. Very elegant.

I think more boats should

be sofa-shaped, because you just relax more.

You're just more relaxed. If I could give them some feedback...

Mm. ..a little, um... Cup holders. Cup holders on the side.

Today I'm going solo, and I'm on a little research mission.

Bees fascinate me.

It's like they've had some good PR.

They used to ruin a picnic, didn't they?

I've come to the Vasilakis Estate, and I'm getting ready for a close

encounter with these master pollinators.

I'm worried about being stung by a bee, and I've even put these on.

Matina's family have been making honey here for 20 years,

and Jorge is the beekeeper at the helm.

Where have you been stung?

Here, here, here.

Here. Here.

Is he lying? No.

JORGE SPEAKS GREEK

Not every day.

JORGE SPEAKS GREEK

Another day here. Another day here.

You've been stung everywhere? Yeah. No problem.

There ahead of us, you can see them.

Bees play a vital role in our ecosystems,

pollinating plants

so they reproduce.

The nectar they gather while they do it gets turned into honey,

and every hive can make around 11kg every summer.

Oh! The beehives, their home.

Oh. Lovely!

Lovely! So this is where I'm going to die.

No! I want positivity.

This fetching get-up should help make sure I don't get stung.

I want some gloves.

Oh. Stupid thing. OK.

Thank you, Jorge.

OK. Are we ready? We are ready.

Now I know how a goldfish feels when it's been caught.

Oh, my gosh, this is so funny. This is so funny.

Now I'm all covered up, Jorge lights the smoker,

which should help keep the bees nice and calm.

I'm trying not to be scared. It's OK. I'm here.

Look how slowly he opens it.

Look at them!

So cute and small. All of them ladies.

And is there honey in...? There's honey...?

We're putting it out.

Oh, my God!

It has honey. You see this?

Yes. This is honey, basically.

Look at those beauties.

JORGE SPEAKS GREEK

It's not ready.

JORGE CONTINUES

Look, they like you. They like you.

They really like you.

I'm not very relaxed.

The hexagons are made by the bees.

This is like, for me, like a horror film. Yeah.

To me, it's like the most beautiful thing ever.

Look at that! Oh! Look at how much honey they have.

So much honey. Oh! Get away from me!

One nearly went up my Marigolds. Don't move. Don't move.

Don't move!

Oh, no, no. Look at how many bees.

At the house...

..the wall for the olive tree seating is coming along nicely.

And we're getting some deliveries.

What?

That is not a good place to put this gravel.

Stop, stop!

It's too close to the wall.

Up, up, up, up.

THEY SPEAK GREEK

At the minute, it looks like a building site.

There's so many things unfinished...

..it's hard to see it as a garden. It just looks like a car park.

We need to do stone, stone, to make a path.

To try and make it resemble any form of garden

we need to mark out where the flower beds and pathways go...

The idea I've got in my head is

some sort of triangular flower bed,

and a sort of winding footpath to the house.

..and I've roped in Stamatis, Yannis and Nikos to help.

So I think we'll make the first stone here.

Good.

So should we just put a bit of gravel down here so we can see...?

Yeah, I think that's... Yeah.

I mean, this is super cheap...

..easy way of making a path.

It's going to look dead posh.

Oh, my God!

Ughhh!

Get away from them!

Shoo! Shoo! Ow! You're pinching me!

This is the queen with the green.

Look. Why's she got the green on her?

This is hell.

We are putting her a collar so we can find her easily.

You put a collar on a bee?

Yeah. Don't worry. Aghhh!

Oh. It's your hand. Don't move!

Sorry.

HE MOUTHS

Look at how many. Oh, wow!

There's so many bees.

Oh...! Do you want to hold it?

No! No, no, no.

No, no. Stop it!

Can you tell Jorge to stop that?

It's terrifying.

Oh, and that goes back on there.

They like when it's dark inside. OK.

Yeah. Oh, put the top on.

You survived. I survived. You know, I haven't been stung.

They liked you a lot.

I've realised, with bees,

there's nothing really that much to be scared about.

So I'm going to go

and plant some bee friendly plants in my garden with my friend Amanda.

That's wonderful.

It's going to stop people parking here.

Yeah. And, actually, this is a wongous flower bed.

I didn't expect it to be this big.

Once planted, this bed will be a real haven

for bees and other insects, just like Alan wants.

Shall we go and have a bird's-eye view up there?

Come up here, Stamatis.

Ah, yes. See? Look.

What do you think Alan is going to say?

Alan is going to love it, mainly because he wasn't involved in it

and didn't have to do any of the hard work.

OK.

Now we've just got to go and buy loads of blinking plants.

As Amanda's worked so hard,

I have a little treat for her.

I know she loves animals,

so we are heading to the beach for a swimming lesson

with some local rescue horses.

You know we're going to the beach and not Goodwood?

Hello! This is amazing!

I want to look sexy on the horse.

OK, I'll give you the blue one, then.

Oh, OK.

Do they like a swim at the end of the day because it's so hot?

Or are they...? Yes, yes, they love it. Especially him.

He can take you to Albania.

Alan, you want...?

He needs to find a lover. Do you have a passport with you?

Yeah. Yes. Can I go to Albania? All the way.

Alan, just take that off.

Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, my God!

That's a nice stretch.

Ah!

One, two, three, up.

Up!

My God! That was nice. Like a pro. Well done, Alan. Lovely.

Which way is Albania? That way.

See you in a bit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Katarina started looking after rescue horses in 2014,

and funds their care

by offering amazing riding experiences.

You follow.

Oh, wow.

Come on, then.

They feel so safe, don't they, Alan?

Yeah.

I literally feel like I'm in my own movie here.

Do you want to ride with the dog? Yeah.

Biko!

He's playing with the water.

Why is my horse River Dancing?

Do you want to go a little bit deeper?

Oh, yes.

Go away, mozzies!

We're getting bitten to BLEEP.

MOSQUITOES BUZZ

Oh! Oh, my God. The mozzies!

Thank you, thank you. I'm getting bitten.

I need to go. Let's say thank you.

Thank you so much. That was absolutely magical.

We're going to run because of the mozzies.

Oh, my God! I've never seen so many... That was a bit traumatic.

They are literally everywhere.

BLEEP!

They're buzzing around me.

Is that a car?

Whose car is that?

I don't care, let's just get in it.

Get in. Move over.

Drive, drive!

Oh, my God! Kill them, kill them!

Today is the day

when we get to plant our garden

with all of our bee-friendly plants.

And our gardener Spiros is here to help.

First planting the big ones. The big ones first. The big ones, please.

Oh, look, there's a bee already

come to see us.

Do you know a bee has its sex organs on the end of its foot?

Did you know that?

No way?!

To attract our pollinators,

we're planting agapanthus around our olive tree.

What happened to...? Where's the hole gone?

Said the actress to the bishop.

Oh, please!

And to give this bed some structure,

larger Elaeagnus ebbingei are planted,

with herbs all around that we can use in the kitchen.

Do you ever talk to the plants, Spiros?

Yes. Do you sing to it?

Yes? What do you say? Do you sing?

They do understand you.

I love them.

You say "I love them." Yes.

Yes. Aw! That's so sweet!

I... What's your favourite?

I cultivate plants for... I love you. ..35 years, 40 years now.

Yeah. Oh.

I love you.

I hope you enjoy going in the hole.

Could we get a job with you, Spiros? What do you think?

Yes. I feel like you've said yes, but your heart's not in it.

I thought that the same thing, Alan.

That's it. I love you, too.

I love you.

Good job. It looks completely different now.

Did you say "Good job"?

Good job. Yes.

Oh. Thank you.

One of the best things about this house

is how close we are to the sea.

So we're heading five minutes

down the road to San Stefanos for a cuppa on the beach.

Oh, that's really nice of you. Thank you.

Superstar.

Do you know, it feels more exotic

when it's in a clear glass.

Yes. Doesn't it? No milk?

Oh, you don't really have much dairy.

I don't like dairy.

So do you think you're more like your mum or your dad?

I feel like I'm getting like my dad as I'm getting older.

My dad was a bit of an enigma growing up.

On a Friday night,

our house used to be like a monastery.

Can you believe that? Because my dad was grumpy.

"Shut up. Don't slam that door."

We'd sit there and have the telly turned down.

But, of course, I realise now because he had

a big match... On the Saturday. ..on the Saturday.

And, you know, I'm like that before a big show.

Yeah. You know, my friends say, "You coming out? It's a Friday night."

And I'm like, "No, no, no." Because if I do go out, I'm thinking

and I'm irritable and I'm trying to think.

And I thought, "Oh, I get it now, Dad."

Yeah. Because when they were doing great,

my dad would get massive cheers.

But if they... Oh, my gosh. If they lost, everyone's booing your dad.

Being a manager of a football club

and being a stand-up comedian, you are on your own.

And also, what's the difference between going up the football tunnel

and walking onto a stage?

Exactly. Everyone's judging you.

Everyone wants to be entertained.

If you don't deliver it, you get boos.

It's exactly the same. It's exactly the same.

But I get it now. And, I mean,

I don't totally get my dad, but I get that side of it.

Is there a trait in your mum

that you feel like, "Oh, I've got that from her"? Or...?

I call my children the wrong names.

Oh, yeah. Every day. Oh, my mum does that.

I call Lexi Holly, Holly Lexi. But it's just started happening.

Yeah, but has it ever gone to pets? I've been called... Oh...

I've been called Big Puss. I've been called Big Puss by my mum.

Big Puss. Big Puss. I know.

I mean, I get it, a man's name, but Big Puss?

A cat that has been dead for over 25 years.

I know.

Back at the house, it's the final push

to get the front garden finished.

The fence has gone up.

And more shrubs have been planted to give some privacy.

Now it's down to us to add some final details.

You grab the cushions, love.

Please use the stepping stones.

Please use the stepping stone.

But this is a cute idea.

You can always tell a top quality

chandelier by its weight.

Where do you...? Oi!

But there's no electricity,

so how are they going to shine?

Look inside there.

They are solar-panelled, state of the art.

See how far you can get it up.

What about this bit there?

Yes, Alan, that's perfect. Is that nice?

Oh, I actually can't quite believe

that this car park is now a Mediterranean... I know! ..garden.

And it's so Mediterranean with all the plants

and the herbs, but also it's got the social side.

You can sit almost anywhere.

Anywhere, for a gin and tonic. Gin and tonic, cup of tea. Whatever.

And I've seen loads of little butterflies and bees.

They've already... Word's got round, Alan.

Well, that's good to know. That's good to know. Yeah.

And we've got a little bit of England in the garden, haven't we?

What? The boundary.

Oh! We have!

I like a picket fence.

This is mine.

It feels like a film set to me.

I know. The centrepiece being that gorgeous tree.

The tree with the chandeliers,

which look nicer than you thought.

Do you know what? I will give you that.

OK. They look nicer than I thought they would.

It's so lovely.

It's just unbelievable.

Next time...

I'm having a round bath.

It's AI. That is not AI.

..I embrace new technology to design my bathroom...

Can't wait to see it.

He's a got lovely bottom.

..we try to tackle ancient mythology...

Let's hope the gods are smiling down

on some of your design choices. Let's hope they are.

..and Alan has another shot at the Corfu dating game.

Good job we're not playing strip pool, isn't it?

Yeah.