Original subtitles

Every time I come to Greece, I can't lie,

I do think of Mamma Mia! Yeah. You know, in my head,

I think I'm Meryl Streep dancing on that jetty.

You don't think you're Pierce Brosnan?!

No, but I think I'm more, um,

Julie Walters singing, when she's in that bar after that man.

I'm the first in line

You see, I think that's probably, realistically, more my range.

Yeah. THEY LAUGH

In the hillside hamlet of Kokkini, on the romantic island of Corfu...

There's something about Corfu that makes you frisky.

Look at Shirley Valentine.

Look at Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia! Three husbands, she had.

I just want one.

..Alan and I are taking our chances on a beast of a project.

Someone's written "Keep out"!

And it's in blood.

With the help of our expert builders...

Be honest with us.

Do you think we've made a mistake with this house?

We're turning this neglected wreck into a beautiful holiday home.

We have never had a sea view before.

That view is worth it. I'm, like, living a dream.

To be in Corfu, building a house with Alan,

it's just brilliant.

So far, we've cleared the building and ripped out the poo pipe.

I'm going backwards.

And it's time to tackle the biggest space in the house...

The living and dining room.

And so it begins, Mr Carr.

But I am feeling a bit more confident, a bit more upbeat.

I think we can do this.

What are we going to do about your flags?

Just... Can you just stop looking at them?

Just concentrate on this. I'm concentrating.

Just get this sorted, please. Well, this has to come down.

Definitely. Because that's pointless.

What I keep seeing that's actually fashionable...

Bear with me. You take this down,

but have the separation between the two.

And then this could be a lounge.

I'm brimming with ideas.

I've made a mood board for the living-dining space,

and it's going to be all neutrals,

but it's got to have the wow factor because it's going

to be the biggest room in the house.

So what style are we going to have it?

Is it rustic or is it going to be white...? Pale pastels.

Because if we keep this wall nicely

exposed with all this off, look, once

this is repointed, these colours are perfect on my mood board.

I keep seeing that. Amanda mentions,

"Oh, my mood board."

I haven't seen this mood board.

It's a bit like the Beast of Bodmin or Loch Ness.

I've heard it exists, but I've never seen it.

If it's like a family home, maybe the kids

can have their own area or something. Or put something...

Because, you know, we're so near the beach.

Yeah. What about something to put, like, all your inflatables and...?

I love that. Inflatables? Inflatables. Yeah.

Should I tell you where my mood board is?

Here.

It's all filed away in there. You've heard of AI.

AL.

And then we come here, and then this is dining area. Dining.

Yeah. Maybe like a little banquette seating there.

That's a very good idea. Well, I like b...

Did we had banquette in the last...? No, because I vetoed it.

That's what I thought. But this lends itself to that.

Alan's always wanted to do a banquette.

And actually, in the dining room,

I think a banquette is the best thing.

FLY BUZZES, AMANDA YELPS

That was a fly.

That wasn't my reaction to Alan's banquette.

Do you know what? This is the thing with renovation.

I am learning more and more and... Do not yank my...

That's enough. The joke's over now.

We love you, Greece.

Before we do anything, we need to get that wall down.

So I've called on our local project manager,

Stamatis, to help.

So we take this, which is the difficult part. Wicked.

I can't wait to knock that wall down,

because I think it's just dictating the whole feel of the room.

It's oppressive. And I just think, just get it out.

Get rid.

Should I start up here? Yeah.

Oh! Wow! You make a hole!

I might do a bit of...that.

Can you do that?

Let's do it. Oh! Ooh!

Something popped. Was it your hip, Alan?

I think it's somewhere else. No!

Well done. Push it. Whoa!

Oh, my God. Can you do the splits? I can go that way.

That's amazing! Thanks, babe.

Look at this! Looks different now, huh?

It's so much lighter, isn't it? It's huge.

It's got a really lovely energy here, hasn't it? It really has.

It feels like a big hug.

GOATS BLEAT

Before work starts this morning,

Amanda and I are taking advantage of our proximity to the beach.

Right. Yes? I need inflatable...

Inflatable. Of course.

One for boy and then one for girl.

Boy and girl.

I do like a crazy inflatable.

I mean, there has been times when I've spent

a whole holiday just floating on a pair of giant Mick Jagger lips.

She loves pink, flamingo... Yeah, so that would be lovely.

This is small for you. Not for me!

I can't fit in there. We make a good price.

I'd like to feel the quality, you know.

You see, I don't know if I'll be able to get in it.

See, it's a bit too... Oh!

It's good. SHOPKEEPER LAUGHS

It's good. I like it. Bravo!

So we've got flamingo. Oh, that's good.

This is like me with a hangover.

30 euro. 30.

Thank you so much. Thank you very much. And now I've got

to walk through Kassiopi with a dead unicorn.

I bring the packet flamingo. OK.

Bye-bye. Bye. All the best.

Thank you.

North of the island is Acharavi beach,

one of the few sandy beaches on Corfu,

and stretching across 7km, it's also the longest.

Look what I got.

Oh, no! Yes. We can't be on the beach with that!

Yes, we can. We're in Greece!

Let's put it here so we get a bit in the shade.

Face in the shade. Body in the sun. What is your actual skin tone?

Because I've never, ever seen it.

AMANDA LAUGHS

Is it beige? In the summer, tangerine dream is what I like.

Because I've never actually seen you out of drag, have I?

No, never.

I always think I look like Ross Kemp when I don't wear my lashes.

Oh, please. You are gorgeous without make-up. I love him,

but when I've got no make-up on and no lashes on...

Oh, my God, you've brought... Yes, I've got a unicorn.

AMANDA LAUGHS

He said, "Pop a straw in." Pop a straw in?! Yeah.

AIR WHEEZES

Rubbish.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, for God's sake. I'm putting this...

I'm sick of that stupid thing.

AIR WHEEZES

Do you remember taking food to the beach when you were a kid?

Oh, my God. And having sand in your egg sandwich.

And you'd be like, "Oh!" Like that.

My nan and grandad used to make salad sandwiches

that were limp and warm by the time you ate them.

But I still crave those sandwiches.

Yeah. That is one of my biggest childhood tastes.

Yeah. I'm going to put a little bit of cream on your neck,

Alan, cos you're burning a little bit.

You've got very rubbery ears. Very flexible, look.

You know what they say. No!

THEY LAUGH

I don't know what they say. What do they say?

THEY LAUGH

Flexible ears... Let's go for a dip.

After cooling off in the Ionian Sea...

Whoo! ..it's straight back to work.

Stamatis and I are making plans for the new space.

So even though we've taken down the wall...

We need enough space for people to sit on the table.

To sit, and table...

But there's no sign of Alan.

And then I was thinking,

a big sofa that comes along here, and along there,

so it divides... OK. Like an L? Like an L.

Yeah. Yeah. OK. Yeah, I think it's going to look nice.

Hi, guys.

Oh. Whoa.

Hi. Hi. Where have you been?!

Do you know what? I was upstairs. Did you have a nap?

No, I never had a nap.

But, you know, I struggle in the heat.

And there was...

The further you go up the hill, the more breeze. He was sleeping.

OK. Yeah, I did nod off. Just a little bit.

Just a little nana nap.

Now I'm raring to go and I can't wait to do some DIY.

OK.

Good. Today, we want to see if the stone walls underneath

the old layers of plaster will be good enough to leave exposed.

OK. You're good at this, aren't you?

I remember you did this... I think this

is too heavy for you. Is it? Yes. Don't be sexist.

I'll have to show him differently.

STAMATIS LAUGHS

I think Stamatis is underestimating me.

But, you know, my favourite position is being underestimated.

Oh, phew. I'm enjoying myself.

I like to get the whole section good.

So I get all the concrete, all the plaster,

and then I can see where the old cement is.

And then I go to the next section.

No, I'm more scatter-gun. I'm like I'm paintballing in there.

MIMICS GUNFIRE

Yeah. Eat lead!

MIMICS GUNSHOT

Oh!

I know. What do you reckon? Are you impressed?

Sometimes we take out the stones and doesn't look right, you know.

But here I think it's going to look nice.

Well, this is history. Someone's made this.

I think it would be nice to, like, expose these three walls.

Alan?

I think I need another siesta, so I will see you in four hours.

THEY LAUGH

It's been all hands on deck at the house.

With new ceiling beams going in, and with the plaster gone

from all the walls, they're getting a jet-wash makeover.

But today, it's also Alan's birthday,

so I'm whisking him off to one of my favourite Greek islands, Paxos.

Look at that. Whoo! Happy birthday. Thank you.

To get there, it's a quick 11km jaunt from

the southern tip of Corfu across the Ionian Sea.

For your 50th next year, what are we thinking?

Because obviously,

in the back of my head, I've been planning your 50th since

you were 46. It hasn't been in the back of your head.

You've been quite vocal, haven't you?

"Alan, this will be perfect. Alan, book this."

Send me emails. "Alan, perfect for your 50.

"Get it booked now." Do you want me to help you?

Yeah, yeah, but, I mean, you're wishing my life away.

Aw! I'm excited.

The Venetians ruled the Ionian Islands

in the 14th to 18th centuries,

and Paxos still carries their legacy in its architecture and traditions.

Can definitely see the Italian influence.

Oh, my gosh, yeah. So lovely. Do you want a birthday ice cream?

Yeah.

Well, isn't this adorable?

Thank you, thank you.

Only 30 square kilometres in size, the island is nicknamed

the Jewel of the Ionian,

and is voted most Instagrammable destination in the whole of Greece.

Happy birthday!

Oh, wow. I love you. Oh. Thank you. Lovely.

Mm!

Bloody hell, Alan. What? You've got it everywhere.

See? God. You see,

I'm getting old now. I need... I am turning into your carer.

I've only been 49 for one day.

AMANDA LAUGHS

Legend has it Paxos was Greek god Poseidon's gift

of love to his sea queen, Amphitrite.

Oh, thank you so much. Oh. For my wife?

Oh. Thank you. Oh, how sweet is that?

Why is the water clearer in Greece than anywhere else?

No, why? Does it make you want to jump in?

I so want to jump in. You would never wear a Speedo, though.

I wish I had that confidence to wear a Speedo,

but I'm more of a shorts person,

and maybe a little pashmina over the top or something, you know?

So that is the thing about getting older.

The more fearless you are as you go into your 50s,

the younger... I'm still 49.

Let me enjoy my 40s in peace. I will.

But what I'm going to say is, don't be fearful of it,

or ageing.

Time is flying by.

And I remember my mum saying that when I was 21.

She said, "Enjoy it, because it will fly by."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" And here I am at 50, in the blink of an eye.

And I think that's one of life's catches.

And you have to live that life. I know.

Is there any decisions

that you wouldn't have made? Or do you go,

"No regrets"? Look, sitting here with you,

how can I have regrets? You know,

everything that's happened has brought me here.

So you have to be quite positive. Do you feel like that? 100...

I mean, obviously, we've both been through a divorce.

Yeah. We've both made mistakes.

And as much as I regret hurting people, maybe,

or causing chaos... Yeah.

..it shapes you to who you are in this moment.

Yeah. And I think life is too short to have regrets.

I mean, it's not decisions for me,

but knowing your worth and the amount

of times I've been walked over and... You are soft. ..people have demeaned me.

You're so lovely. I know.

There's times that I wish I'd said no,

I wish I'd been a bit bolder and a bit... Stronger.

Yeah, a bit stronger. After a divorce,

what you do think is that you are never going to find love again.

Do you sort of trust yourself to fall in love and make a good

decision about somebody for the rest of your life?

It'd be nice, wouldn't it? I don't really trust anyone,

really. That's the trouble.

I think that is my main thing. What do you think I'm going to do?

Oh, no, I trust you.

And maybe my mum and dad and my family.

But, yeah, just getting out there and trusting, isn't it?

Happy birthday, darling. Oh, thank you.

To another 49 years. To another 49 years.

You're fabulous.

This morning, we're tackling the biggest job in the house...

Thank you, my darling.

..laying the concrete floor.

I've got so much make-up on... to do cementing.

I literally look like I'm going to do a panto.

ALAN LAUGHS

So we've got both Scott and Stamatis on hand to help.

We'll work from that corner back this way,

and we'll do, like, a strip here and then we'll move across.

OK. Now, how long does concrete take to set?

In this heat,

it's going to be quick. Maybe ten minutes.

To prevent the concrete

setting too quickly and forming cracks,

you wet the floor first...

Ready? Get pouring. ..spread it evenly into the space...

Oh! Oh, it's like a cowpat. More cement?

Yeah. ..and then use a screeding bar to level the surface.

Some ways of doing things are so old-fashioned.

Yeah. We just did this on an 800 square metre garden.

Oh, my God.

And with less than ten minutes till the whole floor dries out,

I'm on cement duty.

Alan! What? More water. Can you turn it on?

Come on. Look, look! Why have I got the rubbish jobs?

I want to be, like, hands-on.

There. You know what I mean? I'm missing all the good stuff.

Alan! What? Off! Oh!

Finally, I'm allowed to do some DIY.

We can do it together, Alan. Just with little,

like, shakes, like that.

And then you're going to pull it backwards.

Like that? And then pull it down. That's it.

Oh, I see. It's all in the wrist. Mm-mm-mm.

Slide to the left. Slide to the right.

Criss cross. It's a bit like the Cha Cha Slide.

Alan... I can feel it setting.

Hold. Ready? I'm actually going to tip forward.

Don't tip forward. No, Scott can you grab me.

No... This is so tight.

You're going to have to put your arms around me!

Put your arm around me. LAUGHTER

Oh, my God. I'm in so much pain.

I've lost about nine kilos of sweat.

Scott and Stamatis finish off the floor just in time.

Can you see that?

STAMATIS LAUGHS

Amanda? Yes. You know you're quite nimble?

Yes.

Look where Stamatis' phone is. You are kidding me.

How we gonna reach that now?

Well, I did do gymnastics, so move that over there.

I'll do some beam work.

Dun, dun, dun, dun...

Oh, Amanda! No way.

Wow. Really? Please. Yeah.

Thank you.

LAUGHTER

Amanda, I need my hard hat.

AMANDA LAUGHS

Maybe after lunch.

While the concrete sets,

I'm heading to the nearby village of Kassiopi.

to visit the local Greek Orthodox church.

Wow.

It's so ornate.

I was not expecting all the detail and all the artwork, to be honest.

Oh, isn't it gorgeous?

It feels opulent. Ours are sort of stripped back,

aren't they, in the UK? But this feels...

Lots of gold and it's very blingy.

Corfu is nicknamed the Island of Churches,

and there are over 250 across the island.

You know, everyone has their own version of faith,

but there is no denying, every time I come into a church,

that I do feel grounded

and a sense of, well, just calm and peace, really.

My nan was quite religious.

I naturally connect to her in a church.

It makes you reflective.

I will always come in and... not necessarily pray,

but I will think about life and...people that I've lost,

I always think about. I will always take a seat,

and I have a little chat with my nan and my grandad.

We lost our little boy when he was stillborn,

so I always think of him, and whenever I light a candle,

it's for them. You just...

It just makes you think for a second,

and then you go out into

the blinding sunlight of the real world.

But you just... For that moment, you get that sense of...

Back at the house, the floor is solid and prepped,

ready for Amanda to build

our banquette seating in the dining area.

Just me today. No Alan, no Stamatis.

OK. The proper team. Good team. Yes. This is a good team.

We call it banquette seating. Banquette.

So we're just going to build them out of those, yeah?

Yes. Easy? Easy. Easy.

THEY LAUGH

OK. Perfect.

I feel like we're going quite speedy, Yanis.

Would you give me a job? Why not?

Why not?

While they get stuck in, Stamatis and I are

getting better acquainted on the golf course.

Have you played golf before? Nope. All right.

I love crazy golf. Are you alpha male?

Are you very competitive? You know something?

I'm going to win. End of story. OK.

It's the best of nine holes. Watch and learn.

For me, crazy golf is all in the hips.

Spin it around like that and then tap.

And you mark my words, it'll go in the hole.

Oh, God.

Oh! So, watch.

ALAN SCOFFS

ALAN LAUGHS

Oh! Be careful with the stick.

Aim for the hole.

Oh! No way! Oh!

Nearly. Hey, Stamatis. Yeah?

I've been divorced now for, like, three years,

and I'm single and I want to mingle. Do you catch my drift?

I'm ready to date. I'm married. Not...

Not you, not you. OK. I need someone who's good at golf.

THEY LAUGH

I'll tell you what. Being here without Alan,

look how fast it's going.

And I do love him to bits, but...

Yanis? Yes? Alan needs a boyfriend.

Do you have any gay friends? Do we know anyone?

No? I don't have gay friends. You don't have gay friends?

I don't have any straight friends.

AMANDA LAUGHS

We find someone.

Do you have any friends who maybe might dance

my end of the hole?

Maybe. So... Oh, that sounds promising.

Are they single? Are they...?

Are you going to let me concentrate on this?

All right. Listen, just worried about my love life.

Yes! Wow.

OK, now it's the last. The last?

Yeah. We're on the home straight.

This is good. The last one. OK, Amanda.

Bravo! Yes! Bravo! High five.

High five.

OK. Thank you, Yanis.

Adding rocks and cement to the banquette makes it extra strong.

And once it's dried, it'll be ready for plastering.

Right. OK. This is for decider.

Oh!

Yeah!

ALAN LAUGHS

Did you see that?! That's amazing. About that date.

Yes? No.

STAMATIS LAUGHS

You're such a sore loser.

THEY LAUGH

With Amanda putting in all the hard work today,

I'm taking her out for dinner

in the village of Kynopiastes, 10km south of Kokkini.

GREEK MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

Oh, I like the shoes. Oh, yes. The massive pompoms!

They're like a Greek Bucks Fizz.

Oh. Dolmades, as we say in Greece. Thank you.

As part of the taverna's Greek-themed night,

there's not just traditional dance. Thank you so much.

There's also seven courses of home-cooked Greek cuisine.

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

That's for you, Alan. That's beef.

No, no.

Autograph? Oh, of course. Yes. What's your name?

Anthony. Oh, Anthony.

There we are.

Do you want me to sign it?

Yes, of course!

Thank you. You're welcome.

It'd be nice of them to ask for MY autograph.

And a selfie.

Is this a celebration? Yes. Yes, it is.

What's the celebration? Baptism. A baptism?

Yes.

Oh, the baby's been baptised, Alan. Are you talking to me?

Sorry. You all look so cute. I love this.

I might as well not even be here. I'm famous as well.

Gorgeous kids!

It will be great if you join us in a big circle.

And everybody say, "Opa!"

Opa!

Opa!

Opa!

Where am I supposed to go?! I know, we're going...

Opa! Ready? Heyyyy...

Opa!

Opa!

In Greek tradition, plate smashing is a display of kefi -

the joy, passion and exuberance of life.

Yeah!

CHEERING

It is. It is my birthday. Aw!

AMANDA CHEERS

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Eat your cake, Alan.

After all our hard graft,

it's the final push to get the living and dining room complete.

The concrete floor's polished, the banquette's plastered,

and we're ready to choose our dining table from local stone.

That's so nice to go with the wall. If you drop the wine,

you're not going to come back to me and say, "Look what happened here!"

She never drops wine. By the time it's dropped,

she does a forward roll and she's up again.

You know how good at gymnastics she is.

And with our marble table top installed...

Go, go, go, go. ..we're ready for the final touches.

Oh, I love this fabric. This storage is cute.

I know. To me. To me. Yeah? Yeah.

Use your knees.

I always put the books the wrong way.

So you just have a nicer colour scheme.

I mean, I put your biography face to the wall.

Thank you.

I think we're done. Oh, that's worn me out.

Oh. AMANDA LAUGHS

The stone creates the entire mood in here.

It dictates everything.

And it's, like, better than wallpaper.

It's better than plaster. Yeah. It's everything.

This polished concrete makes it feel homely and warm.

Do you know why this room works?

Because it's speaking the same language.

It's the same vocabulary. Listen. The curve of the table.

The curve of that table. The curve of the chair.

The curve of this. It all speaks. It's curvy.

It's muted. It's Greek chic.

Greek chic. You don't want people coming in and smashing plates.

Nobody's going to smash plates in here, Alan.

Do you reckon we should put a sign up? No signs, Alan.

What about a symbol with a plate on it,

with a red...? With a cross... Yeah. Then...think about it.

Yeah. Do you think that exists?

Well, it's an idea.

OK, great.

Smashing plates, my arse.

Next time...

..we get wet and wild...

I tipped off!

..dirty...

Oh. Disgusting!

And creative. Is that good?

Don't wipe it like... No!

As we take on our first-ever children's bedroom.

You know, art is about making mistakes.

Not every five minutes. AMANDA LAUGHS