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1
00:00:04,172 --> 00:00:06,207
(telephone rings)
2
00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:09,009
Hello?
3
00:00:09,077 --> 00:00:10,078
Hold on.
4
00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:11,412
Are you in for Suzanne?
5
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:16,217
I kinda have to be.
6
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:18,719
You didn't put your hand
over the phone.
7
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:21,622
Oh, right.
8
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,357
Sorry, he's not here.
9
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,694
Gimme, gimme.
10
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,163
Sorry about that.
My brother's kid.
11
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,665
Yeah, dumb as a stump.
12
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:34,102
(doorbell rings)
13
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,306
Hi.
14
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:45,346
I'm not sure I have
the right address.
15
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,381
No, you got
the right address.
16
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,186
Charlie, it's for you!
17
00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:55,589
Who is it?
18
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:59,660
Karma.
19
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,262
What?
20
00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:04,165
Your chickens have
come home to roost.
21
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:06,767
Chickens? Karma?
22
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:09,103
Alan, what the hell
are you talking...
23
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,340
Ew...
24
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:15,543
Charlie,
it's for you!
25
00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:18,512
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
26
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:22,082
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
27
00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:25,018
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
28
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,121
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
29
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:29,523
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
30
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,626
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
31
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:37,198
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
32
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,305
Hey...
33
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:46,807
great to see you...
34
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,377
again.
35
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,779
I don't think we've met.
36
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:52,680
Really?
37
00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:54,047
Really.
38
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,449
Are you trying
to give me a stroke?
39
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:57,818
Is that what
you're trying to do?
40
00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,119
Well, it's about time.
41
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,321
Oh, hey, Mom.
42
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:02,390
I got the cleaning stuff
you wanted.
43
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,159
Well, don't just
stand there.
44
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:06,594
Get in the kitchen
and start using it.
45
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,229
Fine.
46
00:02:08,296 --> 00:02:10,130
Berta, aren't you
going to introduce us?
47
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,199
Oh, I'm sorry.
48
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,300
Where are my manners?
49
00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:14,435
Charlie, Alan,
50
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:17,238
I'd like you to meet
my youngest daughter Naomi--
51
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:19,407
the light of my life.
52
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,509
A little angel
who swooped down from heaven
53
00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:24,278
and landed on
a married man's penis.
54
00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:26,680
Mom!
55
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:29,149
And when she got knocked up
and lost her job,
56
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,818
she had to come live with me.
57
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,453
They fired you
for being pregnant?
58
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:33,654
Yep. Being pregnant
59
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,724
and stealing a few
office supplies.
60
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:40,628
Eight computers
and a Xerox machine.
61
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:42,596
Not all at once.
62
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:45,499
So which one of you guys
63
00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,701
is the rich one
who likes to party?
64
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:51,672
Get to work.
65
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,674
All right.
66
00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,643
And when you're done
in the kitchen,
67
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,478
you can scrub the toilets.
68
00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:01,749
All right!
69
00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:03,817
she wouldn't be
in this situation.
70
00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:06,687
Not necessarily.
71
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:11,325
Should she really be scrubbing
toilets in her condition?
72
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,860
Hey, when I was pregnant
with her
73
00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,695
I worked right up
until my water broke.
74
00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,764
And then I used the water
to mop the floor.
75
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:21,602
I exaggerate for effect.
76
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,539
Wow.
77
00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:28,676
Yeah, and we think
our family's screwed-up.
78
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:34,147
No, no, I meant,
"Wow, Naomi is hot."
79
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,417
What?
80
00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:38,652
Come on.
She's ripe and luscious.
81
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:42,456
I just want to caress
that taut, voluptuous belly
82
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,525
and, you know...
83
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:49,162
Ungh...
84
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:52,433
Who are you?
85
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,768
Oh, come on, you can't tell me
you don't appreciate
86
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:56,704
the beauty of a woman
in that condition.
87
00:03:56,770 --> 00:04:00,240
Okay, look, freako.
88
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,943
I get the aesthetic appeal
89
00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:04,545
of a woman with
the glow of motherhood,
90
00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:07,881
a new life growing inside
of her, blah, blah, blah.
91
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,317
But long story short--
92
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,751
once there's a bun
in the oven,
93
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:13,421
I don't feel the need
to butter it.
94
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,656
Well, then you
have missed out
95
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:18,359
on one of the great sexual
experiences a man can have.
96
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,328
There had to be one.
97
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,397
When Judith was pregnant
with Jake,
98
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,198
I-I don't know
if it was hormones
99
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:28,802
or pheromones, but she just
could not get enough of me.
100
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,871
And ever since then, every time
I see a pregnant woman,
101
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,373
I just...
102
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,775
(moans)
103
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:37,778
Okay, seriously,
you got to stop that.
104
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:39,580
I am telling you,
it was nine months
105
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:40,948
of the hottest sex
we've ever had,
106
00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:42,850
even with the morning sickness
and hemorrhoids.
107
00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:45,886
Maybe that explains
Jake's grades.
108
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,989
Morning sickness
and hemorrhoids?
109
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:52,760
No, the repeated blows
to his unformed head.
110
00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:57,731
You are such an idiot.
111
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,867
All the experts agree
that sex during pregnancy
112
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,234
is not harmful
to the baby.
113
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,837
Experts, shmexperts.
114
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,473
Tonight when you're sleeping,
I'm gonna come in
115
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:07,741
and start poking you
in the ear with a hot dog.
116
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:11,879
See how you like it.
117
00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:14,715
Okay, okay, clearly,
we have different opinions.
118
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,817
All I know is,
I find pregnant women
119
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,953
very erotic.
120
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,590
Oh, hey, buddy.
121
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:23,857
Hi.
122
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:25,559
How long have
you been standing there?
123
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,929
Long enough
to be very confused.
124
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,933
But we have hot dogs, right?
125
00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:38,906
* Men
126
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,912
(moans)
127
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,481
Excuse me?
128
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:50,484
Oh, it's just
a little indigestion.
129
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:54,522
So, uh, she's got you doing
a little ironing, huh?
130
00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:56,790
Yeah. Boy, I can't wait
to get this day over with
131
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,826
and take a nice, hot bath.
132
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,561
(moans)
133
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,768
You know, uh,
134
00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,037
we happen to have a Jacuzzi tub.
135
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,539
It, uh, has those jets and...
136
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:16,444
I'm okay.
137
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:17,545
I'm okay.
138
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:18,612
(laughing):
Are you sure?
139
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,347
Yeah, yeah, fine.
140
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:21,849
You, uh, you want me
to run some water for you?
141
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:22,750
No, no, I couldn't.
142
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,452
I got to keep working
143
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:26,820
or my mom'll be all
over me like hair on soap.
144
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:31,892
Mm, you, uh,
you do paint a picture.
145
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:35,028
But still, you, you shouldn't
be working in your condition.
146
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,097
Come on, just, uh,
just sit here.
147
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,932
I'll, uh,
I'll finish it for you.
148
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:39,933
Really?
149
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,001
Yes, really.
150
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,536
Why, thank you.
151
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:43,537
(both laugh)
152
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,676
You're not doing
a very good job anyway.
153
00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:52,946
Ooh.
154
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:53,881
Hot.
155
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,051
So, you know what the baby is?
156
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:01,421
Well, I'm hoping
for human.
157
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:04,992
Uh, no, no, I meant boy or girl?
158
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:05,993
Oh, it's a girl.
159
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:07,127
Oh, oh, that's nice.
160
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,829
I always wanted a girl.
161
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:11,364
I mean, you know, I love my son,
but let's face it,
162
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,967
girls are so much smarter
and more spiritual than boys.
163
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:17,004
Plus, we got all the boobies.
164
00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,373
All the good ones anyway.
165
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:24,377
Course, right now, mine feel
like two big bags of wet sand.
166
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:26,947
Nice.
167
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:29,750
My back is killing me,
my feet are swollen,
168
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:32,520
and I'm passing gas
like a NASCAR pit crew.
169
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:37,925
Well, I-I think you look...
beautiful.
170
00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,528
Aren't you sweet?
171
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,430
Ooh. God, it feels
172
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:44,965
like she's playing
Hacky Sack in there.
173
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:46,967
Wanna feel?
Yes.
174
00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:53,006
Come on.
175
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,445
What's going on here?
176
00:07:58,512 --> 00:07:59,747
Oh, hi, Berta.
177
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,549
The baby was kicking
and Naomi asked me
178
00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:03,483
if I wanted to feel the baby
kicking and I said, "Sure,"
179
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,085
which is when you walked in,
and that's pretty much it.
180
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,654
Okay.
Yes, it is okay.
181
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,088
It is okay.
182
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,558
Hey, you're having
a new granddaughter.
183
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:11,992
W-What a blessing, huh?
184
00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:14,662
Yeah, sort of takes
the sting out of this one
185
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:17,931
being a gullible tramp.
186
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,500
Now, get off your rump roast
and finish the ironing.
187
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:22,636
Oh, wait, relax, Berta,
I'll do the ironing.
188
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,972
Why don't you just let Naomi
take it easy?
189
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,675
Easy's the reason
she's in this condition.
190
00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:30,578
Get to it.
All right.
191
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,848
You know, if, if your back
is really bothering you,
192
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,784
I'm a chiropractor...
Zippy!
193
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,185
Yes?
Conference.
194
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,186
Yes.
195
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:45,492
Zippy is kind of
an affectionate nickname...
196
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,227
'cause I'm quick.
197
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,131
What are you doing?
198
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,533
I'm trying to teach
that girl responsibility.
199
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:56,570
She's going to be a single
mother with no job skills.
200
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,172
I want her to be able to support
herself with some dignity.
201
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,642
Oh, please, what kind of
dignity can a woman have
202
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,877
ironing clothes and
cleaning strangers' toilets?
203
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,982
I'll tell you what kind.
204
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,719
The dignity of an honest buck
for an honest day's labor.
205
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:13,153
Hats off to the
working gal.
Excuse me.
206
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,093
* Men
207
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:25,799
(sobbing)
208
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,668
(sniffling)
209
00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,837
Berta?
Go away.
210
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:34,174
Uh, I actually need
to use the bathroom.
211
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,509
Well, I'm using this one.
212
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:37,645
Are you okay?
213
00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:40,247
Yeah, Charlie,
I am just aces.
214
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,582
All right, uh...
215
00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:44,718
Would you like a magazine?
216
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:46,286
Go... away.
217
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,290
(sniffles)
218
00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:53,060
Berta, I'm coming in.
219
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,561
Is it okay if I come in?
220
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:00,801
Hi.
221
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,102
(sniffling)
222
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:04,638
I didn't want you
to see me like this.
223
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:05,906
Yeah, well, it's better
224
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:08,041
than the image
I had in my mind.
225
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,078
What's wrong?
226
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,080
What do you think?
227
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:15,683
Your daughter?
228
00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:17,885
I had such hopes for her.
229
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,854
Of all of my girls,
she was the smart one.
230
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:24,224
She was the smart one?
231
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,226
Go on.
232
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,895
I really thought
233
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,263
Naomi would make something
of herself, you know?
234
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:31,765
A career, a family.
235
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:33,901
A house that wasn't just
a horse trailer
236
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,036
with a futon in it.
237
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,270
Don't blame yourself.
238
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,039
It's not your fault.
239
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:42,275
Who said anything about
being my fault, you nimrod?
240
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:44,244
No, no, no, no, no.
241
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,847
I'm-I'm just saying that-that
you did the best you could.
242
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:49,116
How the hell do you know?
243
00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,985
Actually, I-I don't.
244
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:57,124
But I am something of an expert
on where girls go wrong.
245
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,326
When-When they start
sleeping around,
246
00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:01,862
it-it's usually a daddy thing.
247
00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:04,231
At least in my experience.
248
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,599
Thanks for trying
to cheer me up, Charlie.
249
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:07,600
You're welcome.
250
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:08,869
But you can stop now,
251
00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:10,137
'cause it ain't your forte.
252
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,638
Okay.
253
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:14,141
I'll tell you whose fault it is.
254
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:15,208
Ronald Wiedermeier.
255
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,777
Who?
256
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:19,312
The sleazeball
who pollinated my little flower
257
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:23,016
then disappeared like cupcakes
at a pot party.
258
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:24,918
Damn that
Ronald Niedermeier.
259
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:25,753
Wiedermeier.
260
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,620
Him, too.
261
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,157
Well, I'll tell ya, I am not
gonna let him get away with it.
262
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:31,158
Good for you.
263
00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:32,826
Guys like that need to know
264
00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:34,627
that there's consequences
to their actions.
265
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,330
They need to learn that-that
women are people with feelings.
266
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:39,299
They're not just vaginas
that talk.
267
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,869
"Vaginas that talk"?
268
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:45,372
Damn that Ronald Wiedermeier.
269
00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:47,140
You know, Charlie,
you may be a pig,
270
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,308
but in this case, you're right.
271
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,242
Thank you.
272
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:50,744
What did I say?
273
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:53,646
We need to teach
Mr. Wiedermeier a lesson.
274
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,282
I don't think
I said that.
275
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:56,784
Come on.
276
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,251
No, really, I-I am
almost positive
277
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,420
I didn't say that.
278
00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:06,359
You know, I still
have to pee.
279
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:09,296
* Men.
280
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,202
Where the hell are we?
281
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:17,805
It's called Rancho Pacoima.
282
00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,672
Huh.
283
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,776
It's very... brown.
284
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:26,780
Yeah, not much grows here
except meth labs and cold sores.
285
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:29,850
Just out of curiosity,
286
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,284
what exactly are we hoping
to accomplish
287
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,020
here with this Ronald guy?
288
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,288
Well, in the perfect world,
he'd dump his wife
289
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,790
and marry my little hose bag.
290
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,259
But I'll settle
for him stepping up
291
00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:40,861
and paying
for his mistake.
292
00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:42,395
And if he declines?
293
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:43,330
That's why I brought you.
294
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,932
Me?
295
00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:48,068
All I can do at this point
is pee on his rug.
296
00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:50,270
You still have to go?
297
00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:53,473
Well, yeah,
it doesn't evaporate.
298
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,843
Can we pull over for a minute?
299
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:57,777
In this neighborhood
in a Mercedes?
300
00:12:57,845 --> 00:13:01,281
Sure, if you're partial
to car theft and sodomy.
301
00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:04,784
Take a left right here.
302
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,086
That's not a road.
303
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,155
Well, not during
rainy season.
304
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,794
(thud)
305
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:15,896
Oh, God!
306
00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,965
I think I hit a dog!
307
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,967
Don't worry.
It was just a rat.
308
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,768
It's okay.
He's getting up.
309
00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:28,108
* Men.
310
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:31,744
(giggles)
311
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:32,946
What's this stuff
called again?
312
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:35,115
Vitamin E oil.
Oh.
313
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,350
Feels really good.
314
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:38,852
Ah...
315
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,894
(doorbell rings)
316
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,330
Hey, Mom. I'm
ready to go.
317
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:51,831
Where's your father?
318
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:53,766
He's in the den
rubbing oil on Naomi.
319
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,069
Who's Naomi?
320
00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:57,770
Berta's daughter.
321
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,240
Your father's rubbing oil
on a woman in front of you?
322
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:01,774
Nah. I couldn't watch.
323
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,877
It was too creepy.
324
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,913
Well, we'll just see
about that.
325
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:08,148
Oh, and by the way, I found out
why I get bad grades.
326
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:09,816
It's all your fault.
327
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:12,385
Why is it my fault?
328
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:15,288
You know.
329
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,390
NAOMI:
Oh, yeah, Alan.
330
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:18,858
ALAN:
Ah...
331
00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:20,961
Wait in the car.
332
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,097
Alan, what do you think
you're doing?
333
00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:25,465
Oh, hi, Judith.
334
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,234
Naomi here was worried
about stretch marks,
335
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,468
and I was showing her how
vitamin E can help prevent them.
336
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,203
You know, like I did with you.
337
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:31,504
And then you walked in,
and that's pretty much it.
338
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,006
Oh, really?
339
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,108
Yeah. Hey, why don't you pull up
your top
340
00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:37,110
and let her check out
your belly?
341
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:38,946
I will not!
342
00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:40,147
So he rubbed this
on you, too?
343
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,814
Oh, he rubbed all right,
344
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,184
but it was only to satisfy
his own twisted needs.
345
00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:47,287
Excuse me, but you were the one
that was constantly horny.
346
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,122
And you sure took advantage
of it, didn't you?
347
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:52,025
Hey, when the bar is only open
nine months a decade,
348
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,860
you drink till you puke.
349
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:56,964
And then you keep drinking.
350
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,265
(Jake laughs)
351
00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:01,969
That's funny.
352
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:04,604
Hey, buddy.
353
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:08,908
You're turning into
quite the little
ninja, aren't you?
354
00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:10,577
There's just one thing
I don't understand.
355
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,045
Well, wha-what's
that, honey?
356
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,280
If you have sex
with a pregnant lady,
357
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:14,847
wouldn't she have twins?
358
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,283
No.
359
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:19,486
Otherwise, I'd be having
a whole damn litter.
360
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:24,524
* Men.
361
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:27,027
(dogs barking)
362
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,500
Lot of cold medicine.
363
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:35,568
He must have allergies
or something.
364
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:38,005
You don't watch 60Minutes,
do you?
365
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:46,613
(bumping and thudding)
366
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,050
What?
367
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,584
You Ronald?
368
00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:53,053
No.
369
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,954
WOMAN:
Ronald,
who is it?
370
00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:59,492
Damn it, Darlene.
We're incognito, remember?
371
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,229
You cops?
372
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:03,496
Yeah.
373
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,965
I'm Scully.
This is Mulder.
374
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:09,636
Listen, can I use
your bathroom?
375
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:13,473
No, no, it's, uh, not
functioning... correctly.
376
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,642
We use the Chevron
up the block.
377
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,044
Bye.
378
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,578
No bye-bye.
379
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,080
So, Ronald, this
is the deal.
380
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,648
You've knocked up
my little girl,
381
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:24,051
and I want to know what
you're gonna do about it.
382
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:25,418
Well, that depends.
383
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,619
On what?
384
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,288
Who's your little girl?
385
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:29,522
Naomi.
386
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,058
Naomi?
387
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:34,694
Oh, I haven't seen Naomi
in a real long time.
388
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:37,064
About eight,
nine months?
389
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,032
Yeah, that sounds right.
390
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:40,433
Ew.
391
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,069
DARLENE:
Ronald, what's
going on?
392
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,603
Nothing,
sweet cheeks.
393
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,272
Okay, look,
394
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,674
I'd like to keep this
away from the missus.
395
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,242
She's a little volatile.
396
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:52,779
Hasn't slept really well.
397
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,481
Maybe you've got a coffee can
or a milk jug?
398
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:55,782
I could just
go around back?
399
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,351
No, no, it's a real mess
back there.
400
00:16:58,418 --> 00:16:59,652
(explosive pop)
401
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:02,122
Ooh!
402
00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:07,060
Damn it, Darlene. I told you
not to smoke in there.
403
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:11,431
Well, I don't have
to pee anymore.
404
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:17,237
* Men.
405
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:19,172
Oh!
406
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,374
That feels so good.
407
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,410
(breaks wind)
408
00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,381
Sorry.
409
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:30,083
Oh, no, don't be silly.
410
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,119
It's a... It's a natural
bodily function.
Oh.
411
00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:34,721
The, uh, the baby is-is pressing
down on the intestines and...
412
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:36,789
Oh, dear Lord!
413
00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:39,359
Oh, I'm sorry.
414
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,794
Oh, no, no.
No, it's-it's all right.
Okay.
415
00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:43,230
Uh, I'm used to it.
416
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,098
When my wife was pregnant...
417
00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,167
Oh, that's got
some hang time.
418
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:52,739
You are so sweet, Alan.
419
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:54,841
How come I've never
met a man like you?
420
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,710
Well, speaking on behalf
of men like me,
421
00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:00,213
we don't get out a lot.
422
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,253
(breaks wind)
423
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,357
Sorry.
424
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,860
I'm not.
425
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:22,402
You know, these sweatpants
are really comfortable.
426
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,137
That's 'cause they're dry.
427
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:26,406
And boy, what a deal.
428
00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:28,241
What did you call
that place again?
429
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:29,409
A swap meet.
430
00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:32,212
Swap meet.
431
00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:37,417
Well, aside from the exploding
meth lab and peeing myself,
432
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,219
this was a fun
little trip.
433
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:42,155
I got the sweatpants
and a bag of tube socks,
434
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:45,692
four DVDs and a corn dog,
all for eight bucks.
435
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,260
Just a hint.
436
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,429
The corn dog will last longer
than the socks.
437
00:18:49,496 --> 00:18:51,164
NAOMI:
Oh, God! Oh!
438
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:52,599
Oh, it's
too big!
439
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,501
What the hell?
440
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,636
Alan, you sick freak.
441
00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,572
Naomi!
442
00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,275
Oh, hi. She's
having a baby.
443
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,810
BERTA:
Oh, damn!
444
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:05,678
It's all right, honey.
Mommy's here.
445
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:06,846
(Naomi moaning)
446
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,248
Ooh...
447
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,417
What? You never saw
an angry one before?
448
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:11,784
Out of the
way, Zippy.
449
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:14,254
It's okay.
I'm a chiropractor.
450
00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:17,156
(screaming and sobbing)
451
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:17,790
You got it.
452
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:20,660
It's okay, honey.
That's it, yeah.
453
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,762
Now take a big deep breath
and push!
454
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,497
Yeah, whoa, whoa,
hold on! hold on!
455
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:27,434
Let me put down
some tube socks!
456
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,836
Breathe.
457
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:32,171
Breathe. Now, push!
458
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,307
(pained groaning
and crying)
459
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:36,643
Push!
460
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,379
(screaming)
461
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:41,448
* Men.
462
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,752
Now, you listen up,
Brittany Pam,
463
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,920
you're my last chance.
464
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:49,389
You're gonna go to college,
465
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:51,491
and you're gonna make something
of yourself.
466
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:53,059
No getting knocked up
467
00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:56,496
by some greasy tweeker
from Rancho Pacoima.
468
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,231
Oh, gee, Mom, about that.
469
00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,533
I've-I've kind of been
counting back the weeks,
470
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,935
and Ronald can't be the daddy.
471
00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:04,271
What?
472
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:08,308
Yeah. See, he was in a burn unit
at the time.
473
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:12,845
He wanted to, but his skin
just kept sliding off.
474
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,080
Oh, God.
475
00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:16,683
Here comes
the corn dog.
476
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:18,785
So... so, who is the father?
477
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:19,986
Well, I got it narrowed down.
478
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,688
Hmm. Dear Lord.
479
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:25,725
I'll know for sure
if she starts speaking Spanish.
480
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:30,730
Well, we just
shut down Ronald for $5,000.
481
00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:32,332
"We"?
482
00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:34,901
You were hiding behind the car,
pulling off your wet undies.
483
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:38,938
Oh, make yourself
comfortable.
484
00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:40,840
The doctor will
be right in.
485
00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,675
(moaning)
486
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,811
Come on, freako.
487
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,914
You are absolutely radiant.
488
00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:50,883
Best of luck.
489
00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:54,020
Thanks.
Sorry about
your couch.
490
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:57,790
Good news, honey:
I got you $4,000.
32832
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