Original subtitles

Hmm.

Hmm.

What is taking you so long?

You have the first turn. You can put any word down.

Don't rush me.

Is "Dogarf" a word?

I'm not telling you.

You're fun to play with.

Is, uh, "Fodgrf" a word?

If you can't say it, it's probably not a word.

Okay, fine.

"Darvog?"

- What? - I challenge.

Darvog is a word.

Use it in a sentence.

I just did. Darvog is a word.

That's a sentence.

Do you not know what a sentence is?

Because if you don't know what a sentence is

we shouldn't play.

It would be like playing with a child.

You want something to eat? I am darvoged.

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

I just invented a new sandwich.

I took peanut butter

and spread it on a piece of bread.

And then, on the other piece of bread

I put some jelly.

I call it a jelly and peanut butter sandwich.

Or a J and PB.

chomp chomp chomp

Not great. Weird combination.

- Don't move. - Why?

Spider.

Where? Where is it?

Is it on me? G-get it off me!

Daffy, get out of the way!

Uhh huh huh!

- Where did it go? - What did it look like?

It was the biggest spider I've ever seen.

Ooh! Ooh!

[gasps]

- What are you doing? - I'm gonna kill it.

Are you mad? You can't do that.

You need to capture it and take it outside.

And then kill it. We don't want that mess in here.

- The maid just cleaned. - We don't have a maid.

I meant you.

Hey, guys! Uhh! Spider!

[glass shattering]

Lola!

Oh, did you like that lamp?

Let me get you another one. Seriously, it's no problem.

I can go right now. I'm eight hours early for our date anyway.

- I don't see the spider. - Oh, I missed him.

He could be anywhere!

You guys should be careful.

I heard this story once about a spider

that crawled inside this man's ear

and laid its eggs in there and the spider babies

ate his brain.

Well, time to go lamp shopping!

You know what, I should go help Lola with that lamp.

Lamps can be pretty tricky.

'Wait for me! I'm not getting killed by a spider today!'

[spider hissing]

A J and PB? I think that sounds good.

I invented a sandwich once.

You take a piece of bread, a piece of cheese

a bunch of ice cream, a little more bread

some fish sticks, a little syrup

and then the heel of the bread.

I call it a darvog.

Ah! I knew that was a word.

[bell ringing]

You can't do anything until he's been missing for 24 hours?

But this is an emergency! You're the police!

What if something terrible's happened to him?

No, you calm down!

[sobbing]

I can't stand it!

We're looking for a lamp.

Tosh is missing!

Well, we're not looking for a Tosh.

- We're looking for a lamp. - What's a Tosh?

Tosh, my dear friend!

He went to mail a letter but he never came back!

Oh, dear. How long has he been gone?

- Ten minutes! - Oh, you poor thing.

We're never apart, I just know something

terrible has happened to him!

Eleven minutes! Tosh!

That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

And once I heard about this guy who had a spider

lay babies in his ear and eat his brain.

Oh!

[sobbing]

Tears won't bring your friend back.

Right now, time is our enemy.

In the case of an abduction, every second counts.

Listen to me

if we don't find your friend soon

the chances are, you will never see him again.

[piano music]

Oh, sorry.

May I?

We'll take your case.

Oh, are you a private detectives?

No, but I can't go home until Bugs

takes care of that giant spider.

And this seems like a decent way to kill some time.

Now, can you give us a general

physical description of the victim?

- Victim? - Hey!

The clock is ticking.

Umm, alright.

High cheekbones

'big expressive eyes, athletic build.'

- Oh, no, wait, that one's me. - This is Tosh.

- What's his height? - 'Nine and a half inches tall.'

Weight?

Now, he'll tell you

he's three quarters of a pound

but between you, me and the fencepost

he's at least a pound but he carries it well.

It's gonna be okay, believe me

I have a sixth sense about these things.

I've got sight, I've got hearing

I've got taste, I've got smell.

- What is the other one? - Touch?

Oh, thanks, I'm flattered but I'm

trying to think of the other sense.

Well, whatever it is, I've got it.

But the important one is my sixth sense.

My sense of humor.

boo brr boo bbb-boo

boo boo boo ew ew ew

doo dooo dooo pfft pfft pfft

[bell rings]

I guarantee you we will find your friend.

But just in case we don't

we'll go ahead and take the lamp now

so it's not awkward later, you know.

[dramatic music]

[cell phone ringing]

- Lola, I can't talk right now. - Oh, it's no problem.

I just wanted you to know that Daffy and I

are gonna be a little late.

We're investigating a missing person's case.

(Bugs) Mm-hmm.

(Lola on phone) 'But the good news is'

'we got you a new lamp'

'and it looks exactly'

'like your old one.'

'Except it's a different color'

'and the base is a little wider, a lot wider'

'and the shade's different. It's a weird shade .'

Aah!

You know, you could at least see it before you judge it.

- Unbelievable, that guy. - Tell me about it.

Try living with him.

[instrumental music]

What are we doing here again?

We need to print out missing person's flyers

and put them up all over town, get the public involved.

Plus, I get the 10% friends and family discount here.

- Hey, guys! - I don't have time to chitchat.

Lola and I are in a race against the clock to save a life.

- One of the gophers is missing. - That's terrible.

How long has he been gone?

- Fifteen. - Days?

Minutes.

And every second I spend talking to you

is a second I don't have.

Now, do you have a dollar?

I wanna get something from the vending machine.

Thanks. Put it on my tab.

Minus 10%.

Look, I know what you're thinking.

Daffy and I, working side by side

in an emotionally charged environment?

How easy it is for two people bonded by a shared experience

to become romantically intertwined.

I just want you to know that is not

gonna happen with me and Daffy.

Yeah.

I wasn't worried.

Okay, now that my blood sugar's under control

we can focus on that flyer.

- Ooh! What about a reward? - Good idea!

But how do you put a dollar amount on a human life?

What am I talking about? He's a gopher. Put five bucks.

Alright, now, let's put the photo of Tosh here.

We don't have a photo.

What we also don't have is time, Lola.

That gopher's been gone for 16 minutes.

Maybe we should just give up and go home.

You don't mean that.

And the spider's still there so

yeah remember, you can't go home.

You're right.

Well, if we don't have a photo

we'll have to draw a picture of him.

Ooh! Okay, not to brag

but I have been told I am a great artist.

Oh, no, wait, I've been told I'm a great flautist.

No, that doesn't make sense. I don't play the flaut.

Maybe I've been told something about Sauerkraut?

Wait, what are we talking about?

- Drawing the gopher. - Ooh! I'll do it.

Not to brag, but I've been told I'm a great artist.

Yes, okay.

Shade that part..

- How's that? - I don't know.

Just those two big teeth in front?

He looks like a hillbilly.

- No offense. - How about that?

Better. What about putting him in clothes?

You know, like, uh, maybe a white outfit

to signify his purity?

Ooh, yeah, like he's the innocent victim.

I like that.

Hmm. Now it's a little too much white.

Maybe he needs a pop of color.

- Ooh, that looks good. - What about a hat?

Give him a little personality like, "Hey, look at me.

I got a hat on."

Oh, yeah, that's our guy.

Let's see what kind of spider we're dealing with here.

Uhh! This kind of looks like him.

'"African sand spider.'

"The genus is Sicarius

"which is Latin

"for murderer.

"The venom of the six-eyed

"sand spider is highly toxic

"and causes blood vessel leakage

"tissue destruction

and multi-organ breakdown!"

Aah!

Check out my n-new driving gloves.

Eh, w-why are you so jumpy?

There's a killer spider in the house.

A k-k-killer spider?

You m-mean that one?

W-what do we do?

Just calm down.

Let me get on your shoulders.

I-I just had my jacket cleaned.

Fine. Get on my shoulders.

Oh! You're real solid, aren't you?

I-I don't know about this.

You can do this, Porky.

D-do we have to g-get so close?

It's a spider. It's not gonna jump on you.

Aah! It's on my face!

- Kill it! - B-b-but it's on my face!

- Stab it! - Get it off me!

Porky, you're panicking!

There's a p-poisonous spider on my face!

Aaah!

thud

[both screaming]

[grunting]

W-what about my driving gloves?

Really?

[instrumental music]

This mailbox was Tosh's destination.

Did he make it? There's only one way to find out.

Dust for fingerprints.

Right. Yes. Dust for fingerprints.

You know what, we don't need fingerprints.

Let's run some forensics.

Right, forensics. Love forensics.

Big fan of forensics.

Now that I think about it, all we really need is a DNA sample.

Right. One sample of DNA coming up.

You wanna just crawl inside and see if he's in there?

Ooh! Fun!

'Nope! No gopher.'

'Ooh, but there's tons of mail in here.'

Oh, really?

'Hmm. Not as roomy as I thought it would be.'

N-now what do we do?

Hey, boy!

[indistinct muttering]

You're a good guard dog, right?

[indistinct muttering]

There's an intruder in the house.

[indistinct muttering]

You think you can get him?

[indistinct muttering]

Good boy! Then go in there and get him!

[indistinct muttering]

Bye-bye.

[whimpering]

Eh, w-well, it's getting late. Ha ha ha ha.

It looks like you've got e-everything under control.

So, I-I'll just be going now.

'I'll g-get my driving gloves some other time!'

[dramatic music]

What do we know?

We know climbing inside

a mailbox is against the law.

What else?

The fire department's not happy

when they have to use the jaws of life

to pry you out of a mailbox.

What else?

The city says you have to pay

to replace the mailbox or do 1100 hours

of community service.

What else?

Tosh has been missing for 28 minutes

and we still haven't found him.

Oh, right, the gopher.

I totally forgot about that whole situation.

Well, I guess we're back to square one.

Or..

[indistinct muttering]

Uh-huh, uh-huh, interesting.

Maybe. Could be. Ahh!

I like where you're going with this.

I hadn't thought of that.

- You're good! - What do you think?

I think this is just the break we've been looking for.

Yeah, I think we'll be able to focus a lot better

after we make some cookies.

I just set off the poisonous gas

so that'll take care of your spider.

Just don't go back inside for 24 hours.

You don't wanna breathe that stuff in.

Oh, and thanks for the driving gloves!

Don't mention it.

Hi, Mr. Bunny.

Hey, Gossamer, what's the matter?

My pet ran away.

Aww, I'm sorry.

His name's Webster.

'He looks like an African Sand Spider'

'but he's actually harmless.'

'I really miss him.'

Can you please let me know if you see him?

[inhales]

[dramatic music]

hiss

[inhales]

Gossamer!

Look who I found.

That's not Webster.

Uh, there he is!

Oh, I missed you so much, buddy.

Uh-huh!

I thought those cookies would help us focus

but now I'm just really full and tired.

And a little sick.

Well, the gopher's been gone an hour anyway.

I think we should just assume the worst

and get on with our lives.

But how are we gonna break the news to that poor gopher?

I don't know. E-mail? Text?

The beauty of today's electronic devices

is that they allow you to maintain a cool distance

when delivering upsetting news.

Ah, or maybe we don't have to

break the news after all.

Come on!

Gotta keep that blood sugar up.

[gopher sobbing]

Where are you, Tosh?

Oh, wait. That's me.

Where are you, Tosh?

We found your friend!

Ah! Where is he?

[dramatic music]

- Tada! - Tada!

I guess this case is closed.

[gasps] Oh, Tosh!

- Where were you? - Why? Whatever do you mean?

After I went to the mailbox, I spent an hour in the park.

I thought it would be good to have a little time to myself

but the truth of the matter is, I hated every second of it!

Turns out, I didn't want time to myself.

I just want to be with you.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

You could have at least left a note.

But I did, I wrote it on that notepad

by the cash register.

"Dear Mac, I'm going to the park

"to spend a little time alone.

"I'm sure I'll hate it. Didn't want you to worry.

X-O-X-O-X-O, Tosh."

You know what, I should go help Bugs

kill that spider.

Spiders can be pretty tricky.

What, are you nuts?

Why were you handling a poisonous spider?

You're lucky we didn't have to amputate.

Am I gonna be okay?

You'll be fine.

Just go home. Get some rest.

Oh, the exterminator said

I can't go home until tomorrow.

Well, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

Put this on twice a day.

- What is it? - 'Darvog.'

(male #2) 'It's an anti-inflammatory.'

'Better than amputating!'

[instrumental music]

How many hours until we can go home?

Nineteen.

Who's your friend?

I'm still deciding on a name.

Right now, it's between

Lieutenant Maximilian Von Lundergartner

or Frank.

Well, you can't go wrong with either one.

Except for that first one.

I'm starving! What is taking so long?

Yeah, where's Speedy?

(Mac) 'Oh, I missed you so much!'

I missed you so much!

- Well, I missed you more. - Oh, don't be silly.

I missed you more.

[giggling]

Alright, gopher!

Give me my five dollars!

I told you, I'm not a gopher!

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

♪ Standin' there with a blade in your hand ♪

♪ Yosemite Sam Don't you understand? ♪

♪ I'm your moustache ♪

♪ Don't shave your moustache ♪

♪ Been with you since the day you were born ♪

♪ All that time I've never been shorn ♪

♪ What would you do without your flavor saver? ♪

♪ Puttin' aside those crumbs for later ♪

♪ Very first time that you kissed a girl ♪

♪ I tickled her nose and I rocked her world ♪

♪ Stuck with you through thick and thin ♪

♪ Shavin' me off would be a sin ♪

♪ Moustache ♪

♪ Your face is my home ♪

♪ Moustache ♪ ♪ I got my own comb ♪

♪ Moustache ♪

♪ Without me you would be so alone ♪

♪ Do you remember that time we got ♪

♪ Caught up in a snowstorm? ♪

♪ I was right there for you my friend ♪

♪ Keepin' your top lip so warm ♪

♪ I keep tears off of your mouth ♪

♪ Bugs from flyin' up your nose ♪

♪ When you got punched in the mouth ♪

♪ I was cushioning the floor ♪

♪ Put that blade back on the shelf ♪

♪ You know I love you more than anyone else ♪

♪ If you feel some hair just has to go ♪

♪ Weed-wack some of that back hair bro ♪

♪ Moustache ♪

♪ I'm your best friend ♪

♪ Moustache ♪

♪ Until the end ♪

♪ Moustache ♪♪

This shade's a little weird, but it's not bad.

Aah!

Another spider?

No, it's just after seeing that shade

it's really too weird.

[theme music]

[music continues]

Aah!

[glass shattering]

Sorry, I thought there was a spider on you.