Original subtitles

Ah Maryland, my Maryland!

Don't get me wrong...

when I say my Maryland I don't mean I own it all..

just the best part.

Take a look at that. Pretty nice, huh?

And how about that one there?

That belongs to my neighbor, Mr. Burnshaw.

But my place is in a class by itself.

Anything anyone could possibly want, I've got it.

Larkin - Trade 2nd hand everything. Order your spring piglets now.

My, that pig surely has a pair of lungs!

Marvelous gentleman.

We're gonna have us a first- class championship litter.

I'll say one thing:

He didn't waste any time

Must have been a case of love at first sight, just like you and me, Ma'am.

Look here, don't you go comparing us to a couple of pigs?

Don't you be so touchy.

Lee, Lee!

Yeah, Pop?

Time to get Mr. Burnshaw's pig home.

Hurry up now, come on!

Ok, Pop.

Come on, Grant.

Morning now, Vicky, Susy, everybody helps here.

All right get along now

Where is Mariette?

- She's up in the barn. - Well, you go along.

Mariette! Mariette!

What's up Pop?

We got to take Mr. Burnshaw's pig back.

Already? Sheesh!

Yeah, right now!

You meet a boy He smiles at you

Your eyes light up Your heart does, too

You feel so weak

You can't speak your name

You've started The Mating Game

He takes you home He holds you tight

You can't resist A kiss good night

You may pretend that the moon's to blame

But no, it's The Mating Game

And as the game goes on

Sometimes you think you lose

You'll fight, you'll cry

He'll say goodbye and leave you with the blues

When he comes back You're all aglow

You're in his arms You love him so

And when he tells you he feels the same

You've found the right mate

for The Mating Game

Here we go. Come on, old boy.

Come Lee, get in here help your sister.

You've had enough romance. Here we go.

On your feet. Come on, hey!

Here we go. Up! That's it. Come on. Get up!

Oh come on, You aren't that tired. Now come on, boy!

Careful, now. a boar's a dangerous animal Especally in the mating season.

Ma, every animals are dangerous in the mating season.

You ought to know that by now.

Sure it was nice of Mr.Burnshaw to lend him to you.

It's not like him to be so generous.

He wasn't generous, Ma. he just wasn't home.

Oh, you didn't ask Mr.Burnshaw?

How could I ask him if he wasn't home?

Susy, Vicky! Get in there and keep that sow back! We all got to do our share around here.

Get out of that pen! Come on, boys!

Come on, give him a hit in the rear!

Go on, go, go, go! That's it, go, pig pig pig pig

Go on, boy. Here we are.

How's Mr. Burnshaw gonna feel about sharing his prize boar?

He's gonna feel mighty fine when I give him his pick of the litter.

Now, quit worrying.

You should have asked him.

You know how he is, I didn't want to upset him.

He's a nice enough fella, It's just that he never learned how to unto others.

He's a stingy old crock, that's what he is.

Yes, and he's likely to do unto you with a shotgun.

Girls, that is no way to talk about your neighbors.

Besides, we didn't hurt the pig any. We're taking him back as good as new - better.

A gentleman always feels better after a little outing.

Oh, fresh!

Listen Pop, we're in a lot of trouble

Oh, you worry more than your mother.

Come on, everybody, get on board Never mind that. Get inside!

- Trouble, Trouble, that's all we've got trouble, I'm telling you

Why does he have to be so ornery?

You'd be ornery, too, if they dragged you away from your sweetheart.

Huh. Not if she was a pig, I wouldn't.

Poor pigs. Gee, it's sad, huh, Pa?

Getting married and divorced in the same day.

Well, that's life in the animal kingdom.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I want you to put this on before you go overthere.

I'll put it on later.

Put it on right now. Out, out!

Anything to make you happy.

Can't call on Mr.Burnshaw in your shirtsleeves.

Yeah. Burnshaws happy, and I'm suffocating.

Give him this baked fresh this morning.

Grand thought, Ma. It'll sweeten him up.

Sure hope, don't want to spend the night picking buckshot out off your tail.

Oh? Whose tail would you rather pick buckshot out of?

Guess whose!

You be good now!

We'll be right back. Don't worry.

Bye bye now. you behave yourselfves, all of you.

Ok, Ma! Bye, Honey!

Now, I'll go settle with Mr. Burnshaw,

and you take Romeo to back to his pen.

Why don't we just put him back and skedaddle, huh?

Honey, you can't use a man's hog and not tell him. That's not honest.

No, but it's a lot safer.

There is no cause for alarm.

Now, you take care of Mr.Pork chops, and I'll take care of Mr. B.

Ok. Well, let's get him out of here.

Vicky, hand me those tomatoes, will you?

Thank you!

Come on, Lee, open the gate.

Let's pull him down.

By George, look who's here!

Well, Howdy, Brigadier! How's the horsey crowd today?

Chasing the hounds and raising saddle sores, huh?

What heve you got there?

It's one of Ma's blueberry pies.

you sink your choppers into this, you'll think you died and went to heaven.

What you'll take for it?

Oh, no, no, it's a present for Mr. B.

Pa!

Howdy-doodle-do, Luisa? My, you're looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed!

knocked off some blubber, didn't you?

Five pounds

Well, that's look good.

Ed, if you want to trade that cornhusker of yours

I think I can get you a power mower.

Good, come and see me tomorrow.

Will do. Bet your bottom.

I can trace the lineage of every animal back as far as you care to look.

Here, Pop, have a drink.

Well, yes, indeed, I will. Thank you!

By the way, Brigradier, I traded captain Gatsby out of that nice dinghy of his

and if you want to swap your power mower

To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?

Oh, well, Mr. B, I came over to tell you that if you ever need anything of mine...

don't bother to ask for it, just take it. cause that's what neighbors are for.

As they say, one hand washes the other.

Pop! He got away

Dad, escaped.

Well, catch him, sweetie. You're disturbing Mr. Burnshaw's party

Oh, excuse me. Oh, hello, Brigadier.

Hiya Louisa!

Larkin, what are you doing with my pig?

Well, you might say we sort of borrowed him.

You took my blue-ribbon champion boar?!

Well, we have a sow with no boar

You get the connection? One's no good without the other.

Like they say, it takes two to tango.

Look out, Mr. B.!

I'm terribly sorry...

I'm realsorry, Mr. B.

I... I...

Get out of here!

Don't fly off the handle.

You're gonna get the pick of the litter.

I don't want the pick of the litter.

I want you out of here and off of my property!

Get out! Get out! Get out!

Calm down, Mr.B Look, I brought you a little stud fee

The best blueberry pie in the world

- Oh, really? - I guarantee it, Ma sent it over specially for you.

Well, you know, do unto others and they'll do unto you.

If that ain't the best pie you ever tasted, I'll eat it myself.

You've had 'em, haven't you Brigadier?

Jolly good.

What'd you want to do that for?

Some people just don't have the first idea of how to be neighborly.

Grant, give me one of those. Stand back!

Ma's always running short of these.

If you ever so much as touch one of my animals again, I'll...

You shouldn't ought to have done that, Mariette.

Do unto others and they'll do unto you.

Come on!

In point of fact, Wendell, they didn't steal your pig.

They merely "preempted" the use of your pig

Preemted? Don't give me that legal jargon.

I mustn't get angry again I've got ot watch my blood pressure.

David, for 10 long years...

those Larkins have spent every waking moment making my life miseable.

Anything they could get their hooks on

My prize apples, My prize pig...

Wendell, let's stipulate to the fact that you hate the Larkins.

I want them out of here.

How would you like living next-door to a junkyard populated by vandals?

I wouldn't.

Why don't you buy the place?

David, I've offered him twice what the place is worth... 3 times

- Won't sell, huh? - Not for any price.

He say got all the money he needs.

You just bet he has buckets of it! Barrels! Do you know what he does for living?

- No, what? - He trades things.

You got something valuable He'll give you a piece of junk for it any day.

Sly, crooked...

Wendell, what can I do? I am a tax lawyer.

Why do you think I sent for you?

These days, who has all the money he needs?

You don't. I don't. Why? Income tax.

granted, but what's that got to do with it?

Every year, those bereaucratic cutthroats drink my blood.

In spite of you, inspite of my so-called friend in the Treasure Department ...

...every year they bleed me dry! - Not again!

David, doesn't it strike you as odd that brother Larkin ...

has all the money he needs, huh?

Are you suggesting a little...

Cheats everybody else. Wouldn't he also cheat the Government, huh?

-Uh huh! -Tomorrow, David, you and I are going to Baltimore...

...to find out how brother Larkin ...

...stand with the Internal Revenue.

Internal Revenue

Better start looking for another job.

Sad sight, isn't it?

You understand, of course, gentlemen, I don't like to ruin a man

We don't enjoy taking his stocks and bonds,...

...selling his house and property.

But when a man shortchanges Uncle Sam, it leaves us no choice.

Great or small, gentlemen...

...high bracket, low bracket...

... if Uncle doesn't get his cut...

we nail your hide to the barnyard door.

- Yes ahem. - That's a wonderful attitude, Mr. Kelsey.

now about this fello Larkin...

Yes, some of them lead us a merry chase,

...but we get them all in the end. We pick their bones clean.

(Man, on intercom:) Yes, Sir?

Lorenzo, ready on the Sidney Larkin?

Right.

Ok, front and center.

My number one bird dog.

Now, you mark my words, gentlemen, within four years, he'll be in Congress.

10 years, the senate.

Going places.

Watch! Watch how he takes hold.

Come in!

This is Lorenzo Charlton.

And these gentlemen brought the Larkin matter to our attention

DeGroot... Oh, yes. How do you do?

Mr.Burnshaw How do you do?

Good to meet you Mr.Charlton. Mr. Kelsey said some very nice things about you

You expect a reward for turning in your neighbor?

Reward? Certainly not.

Then what's your motive?

Mr. Burnshaw is a patriotic American

who every year gladly pays a very large tax bill.

He feels that anyone who enjoys the privilege of living under the stars and stripes (the American flag)

Oh, yes...

Mr. Burnshaw, where do you file your return? At this office?

Yes, Sir. Why?

Mr. Kelsey will tell you that we frequently find...

...that informers have something to hide themselves.

Now just a minute. What's going on here? What is this?

What did I tell you? First crack out of the box, He's got you backed in a corner

Well, let me tell you something...

A top man in Treasury Department happens to be...

... a very dear, close, personal friend of mine.

- Ahem. Yes, yes.

Lorenzo, what have you got on Larkin?

Not a thing.

Mr. Sydney Larkin has never paid one penny of income tax.

What?

What is more, he has never even seen fit to file a return.

- Never? - Never.

Is that wonderful?

Wonderful?! I see nothing wonderful.

All I see is a big black mark on our record.

I agree with you absolutely.

Lorenzo, you hop down there tomorrow and erase that black mark. Get me?

Right.

I suppose he could lose everything he owned?

...and then some, when you dance, gentlemen, you pay the piper.

From now on, Uncle Sam is in the driver's seat.

US GOVERNMENT FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY

What's the matter with you, young woman?

You want to get your self killed or something?

Hey, look out!

Crazy lot of people around here?

Hey, Pop, how come everytime Mariette goes out riding...

...she comes back with a bunch of crazy boy chasing her?

Yeah, Pop. How come?

Let me think...

How old are you twwo now?

We're 11.

Ask me in a couple of years I'll tell you.

Where'd she go, Mr.Larkin?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Looking for me? Haha!

Think you're smart, huh?

- Wait, I'll get ahold of you. - Get down!

Sure knows how to get them lathered up, don't she?

Takes after you, Ma.

Takes up where I left off.

- Poppy? - Huh?

We got a problem on our hands.

She's ripe and ready, that girl

Aw, Ma, she's just practicing.

You know, like they say, practice makes perfect.

Too much practice takes the edge off the real thing

You know me, Ma...

I'm all for the real thing.

I'm talking about getting married.

Mariette is a good girl, so we got nothing to worry about so far

But I know the signs...

It's time we find her a husband.

I'll go oil up my gun, which one do you want?

Poppy, serious, she's not gonna marry one of those hoot'n'holler boys.

For her, it's got to be somebody special off the top branch.

...nice, clean-cut young man with a good education.

fellow who appreciate what he's getting.

Ma, you've been looking at too many of them TV programs.

where are we gonna find a fella like that?

- Howdy Mr. - Hi.

Is this the Larkin place?

- Yes, I'm Lee and this is my brother,Grant. - How do you do?

- I'm Vicky, this is Susan. - Hello, hello.

That's Mariette.

Mr. Sidney Larkin?

Yours truly...

- My name is Charlton, sir. I'm with the IRS ... - This is Ma

- How do you do Mrs.Larkin?

- What did you say? - The IRS, sir.

It's come to our attention...

Barney, that's enough horsing around!

- You fella get on home now! - I got her

- Hey, mister... - Hmm?

- Your car is burning oil. - What? What was that?

Your car, I saw it smoking when you drove in.

It's not my car.

Where'd you say you're from? what's that service of yours again?

- Baltimore.

Never heard of that, Ma. We ever had the Baltimore Service?

No

- Mariette, come on out of there! - It's not the Baltimore Service. I'm from the In...

Here, now! Mm-Mm, Mm-Mm Here, now, leave the car alone, please.

Ok, but it sure needs a ring job.

We have a maintenance department

You tell them they're sure goofing off.

You two want to fix something, fix the television set.

Get in the house. Go on, scoot. Move.

- Mariette, do you hear me?

- Come on, let's go!

Mr. Larkin, now...

Boy, it's worth your life to get caught in the haystack with those three.

- Mr. Charlton, this is our daughter, Mariette. - How do you do?

Hey, you're the one I jumped in front of, down the road?

Yes, that was I.

Bet I scared you, didn't I?

Oh, startled, rather, very daring of horsemanship...

horse womanship, I should say.

Oh, Ican tell you've had a fine education, Mr. Charlton.

Oh, oh, oh... nice dog!

Oh, Get him off my car!

Nice goat, nice goat!

I see you like animals...

Within reason, yes...

They know. You know, that goat, she's very choosy.

most of the time, the only thing she ever goes for is another goat.

I'd appreciate it if you'd point out her error to her.

Pretty good. How about a turkey for your missus?

- Beg your pardon? - How about taking a Turkey home for your wife?

Oh, I'm not married. Thank you!

Mariette, you go change your clothes. A girl like you wearing pants.

- Ma... - Do what I tell you, hon.

Mr. Charlton, you'll stay and eat?

No thanks, I'm not allowed to.

What do you mean, you're not allowed to eat?

- You're not on one of those starvation diets? - Oh, no, no, of course not.

- That settles it, then. Girls ... - I can't, I can't

Sure, you can. I want you to stay...

...and tell me all about that services of yours May be we can use a little. Come on.

I don't think you understand exactly...

Girls, set another place. Vicky, get the fried chicken and the pig's knuckles.

Grant, I think Isabela wants to go out.

That's right, Susie. Just put that chair right down here.

You get the biscuit and open some...

Oh, and, Susie, fetch me a can of that goose liver.

Ready in a jiffy, Mr. Charlton.

I thought I made it quite clear...

I told you don't worry. It's no trouble at all.

We have people droping in all the time.

Cute, huh? Well, here we are.

This will put teeth in your appetite I tell you, Red Lion hits the spot

- No thank you, Mr Larkin - No beer?

- No beer. - No beer.

Mr.Larkin, may I have your attention...

Shh... Hold everything. I got it. Homemade applejack. This will grow hair.

Mr. Larkin, I am an agent of ...

of the United States government.

And I'm here to talk to you about your income tax.

Hi-de-ho, what do you know?

You hear that, Ma?

A government man!

So, you see, I can't take favors from taxpayers.

Who's a taxpayer? I never paid a tax in my life.

Did I, Ma? Ask Ma. Did I?

- No, that's right. He never did. - Never.

Would you mind turning that down, the volume on that thing for just a minute?

Boys, turn the set off, will you? Can't hear ourselves think.

Worst TV we ever had. . I'm gonna throw that out and get a new one

- Aw, give it a chance, Pa, I'll fix it. - Well, just one more chance,

but if she starts acting up again, I'm warning you, out she goes

Mr. Larkin, not only have you never once paid any income tax,

but you've never even filed an income tax return.

What's that? Return?

Yes, one of these forms.

Well, I... I never got one, so how could I return it?

Mr.Larkin, everyone who has a gross annual income ofr $600 or more,

has got to file an income tax return.

Well, that lets me out. All I got is $183, the most money I've had in couple of years, I tell you.

Are you aware of the penalties...

- Mr. Charlton from the Government,

From the US government.

Yeah, I know.

I saw the license on the car.

Smart, she doesn't miss a trick.

Well, what's holding up the parade? Come on, everybody, let's eat.

Grant, come a-running, Boy!

Ahh.

Aren't you hungry, Mr.Charlton? Come on, sit down!

Maybe I'll have a cup of coffee...

No coffee for you, young man, unless you eat your lunch.

Mr.Larkin, it's obvious, just looking around...

that your gross annual income has got to be at least over $600.

Um, Uh... Go ahead, Grant, It's your turn.

Thank you for the world so sweet.

Thank you for the bisds that ...

Oh yeah... Thank you for the world so sweet.

Thank you for the food we eat

Thank you for the birds that sing.

Thank you Lord for everything.

Mr. Larkin...

Ahem. You've been real generous with us, O Lord,

and I promise we'll do our best to pay you back

That's all for now.

Except thanks for sending this fine young fellow...

to share thy heavenly bounty.

- Amen - Amen

- Mr.Larkin...

- Hey, come on, Pop, throw me a biscuit. - Ok you got it, Lee.

That's the best crab salad in the world.

No, no, no, please, no.

How do you expect to stay alive?

No offense, but you look downright seedy

I suppose so.

It's that city air, dirtied up your blood, hey, Pa?

Yep. I took one look at you and I said to myself...

"what he needs is a few days in the country".

- Oh, a grand thought! Adore to have you. - Got plenty of room. The more the merrier.

Mr. Larkin, please listen to me.

I'm here to investigate you.

There's strong presumptive evidence...

that you've been violating federal law for years.

Strong what? Violating?

He says you're a crook.

That's not what I said.

Oh no? That's what it sounde like.

It didn't sound like that to me.

Don't mind her, son Just what can I do for you?

Well, first I would like to look at your books.

I don't do much reading, you can see the whole lot of them. They're just back there.

Your accounts, records of sales, profits last year...

cash on hand...

Hold on, young man. I hardly never deal in money.

That's the truth, Pop trades things.

You know, his pop was the greatest horse-trader you ever saw.

I told you I got $183 in cash That's all I have, all I need.

If we want something, I go out and trade for it

You want to see the money?

You'll take my word for it.

No, it's not a question of doubting your words. Mr.Larkin.

Of course not, of course not...

Mr.Larkin, just now, out in the yard,

I saw a big refrigerator in the truck.

How much did that cost you?

One secondhand manure spreader.

Mm-hmm, how much did manure spreader cost you?

About 50 loadss of manure.

Now, Mr. Larkin...

It's A-1, first-class manure Pop get it at the diary.

First of all It's screened, and then it's aged...

all right, all right...

How much did the manure cost you?

2 cows.

Are you trying to tell me...

that there was no cash involved at all?

Well, you see, son, there is no hard feelings with a trade.

In a trade, both people want something,

and they each get what they want.

with money, it's not the same story,

like the time the army came here and took all those horses

They promised to pay, and nobody ever got a nickel.

- When was this? - What?

- When was this? - During the war. The Civil War, 1863.

- I see. - Now, my great-grandfather...

Yes, yes, alright, alright...

I'm willing to make a complete appraisal of everything you own...

I think we'll just proceed from your there

That sounds fair enough.

I'd like to warn you, Mr. Larkin...

to start getting together all the cash you can right now...

because from the looks of things you're going to need it.

Where are you two up to?

Don't worry Pop, we'll take care of it, Mr. Charlton.

Hold out your hands.

Me and Susie have been selling flowers.

It was for Pop's birthday present,

But I guess he needs it more now..

Will that help?

It's $4 and 10 cents.

We don't take money from children.

I didn't mean to threaten you, Mr. Larkin.

If I can, I want to keep you out of trouble.

Actually, it's part of my job to be of assisstance to taxpayers.

Well, that's more like it.

for a moment there, you had me worried.

You know why you got sore? You're hungry

That's right. Come on Sit down and let's eat.

You've been working too hard.

After lunch, you and Mariette have a nice walk in the meadow.

The flowers are just lovely this year. Just lovely.

May I have that cup of coffee now, Mrs. Larkin?

- Certainly. - Coffee?

- What you want a nice cold bottle of beer - No, no...

I got one right here, yes, sir.

Tubs, 2 sinks...

And six plumbing fixtures...

I don't know very much about livestocks...

How old are these mules?

Donkeys.

Well, Algy here is 5 and Mabel is 4.

- They are married. - Hmm?

Well, a sort of. You see, Mabel's pregnant It's that time of year, you know?

Ah, you can feel it in the air, can't you?

Look, how much would you say these mules are worth?

these donkeys are worth?

Don't ask me.

- Well, would you say $35? - I don't know.

Would you say $40?

Say, how old are you?

Considerably older than when I first arrived here.

Would you say 50$?

I guess so. And how old were you then?

29.

How it's going, Pop?

Perfect, Ma, just perfect.

Look at her... doesn't she break your heart?

Oh yes, definitely. How much is the sow worth?

That's all you think about? How much?

Oh, relax, this is Red He won't hurt you.

Look, look, feel his nose. Just like velvet

fine-looking steed.

He's only the best horse in Maryland. That's all

Really? How much you pay for him?

He was born on our farm and I raise him from a colt.

And you give me a big, fat pain.

I regret it very much.

Wait!

How large is the farm?

90 acres.

How long have you owned it?

150 years.

Would you please answer my question?

It belonged to his Pop, and his Pop, and his Pop, and his Pop!

We've owned it for 150 years.

Well, hear this: if you and your pop don't start cooperating...

Scram! You're not going to own it much longer.

Where are you going?

To talk to your father, There's no point in trying to talk to you.

Wait a minute

Oh, I'm sorry Mr.Charlton, I know you're trying to help us...

I'm just try to do my job.

Oh, I've got a terrible temper.

But I get over it right away.

And you're not the kind that gets mad and stays mad, are you?

No, Miss Larkin.

Why don't you call me Mariette?

- Oh, my. - Let's get on with the appraisal, shall we?

Hard as nails, aren't you? In a pig's eye.

You know, I've got your number.

Fine, while you appraise me, I'll appraise the property.

Wait... you want to see the most valuable thing we've got?

What, what?

Well, I can't tell you about it but I'll show you. Come on!

How much farther?

There. Isn't that beautiful?

Beautiful.

Now, don't you feel better?

I feel perfectly fine.

I know, I know.

Whenever I get in a nasty mood like you were...

I wasn't in a nasty mood!

I just come out here, and I lie down and listen. And look.

And in no time at all, whatever's been bothering me seem...

no bigger than a leaf on a whole tree.

Now, you tell me how much that's worth and I'll pay the taxes on it myself.

It's nice.

Say, uh..., why don't you come and sit over here?

Pop says if heaven is anything like this, He wouldn't mind dying.

Except it's too nice being alive.

Hey, listen... Meadowlarks.

Where?

Look, look, right over there.

See? Bet you never saw one before.

No, I never did.

Golly, aren't they beautiful?

Thank you for the bird that sing.

Thank you Lord for everything.

Amen.

Say, how can you live in a stinking city?

I work there.

And I study law at night.

A lawyer?

Well, not for another year.

And then I'm off to Washington.

What for?

Experiences, contacts...

In another four years I intend to run for Congress.

- No kidding? - Yeah.

How come?

Well, I could tell you, but you may not like the answer.

I'll take a chance.

Well, a tax investigator gets a pretty clear picture...

of what's wrong with this country.

You have no idea, no conception of...

how many irresponsible people I meet...

completely obviously to any sense of duty.

Not merely dodging their taxes, every aspect of their lives.

Take your family, for example, well, I don't intend to be critical, of course.

But what are you contributing to the national welfare? Nothing.

Where are you headed? Nowhere.

No ambitions, no goals.

Just eat, drink and have a good time.

It's not your fault, not entirely. It's up to the leaders of this country to revitalize the entire

- What was that for? - Cause you're so cute.

Cause I felt like it, What's the matter? Don't you want to kiss me?

- No, No. I don't, I don't - You don't?

Please, let's go, please, let's go, huh...

Oh, oh my goodness!... Come on, boy, come on, Red !

- What are you kid doing now? - How does she looks, Mr.Charlton?

Yes, she looks fine but you shouldn't be doing this sort of thing

Why not? You're helping us so we're helping you

Like Pop says, one hand washes the other.

Mr. Larkin, you should not let them do this.

Why not? Do unto others and they'll do unto you.

How is thing coming along?

Not so good...

Mr. Charlton fell into the river and got his pants wet, Pa.

You sure did wet them!

Come on up the house, and I'll give you a dry pair.

I do not require dry pants.

What happened to the refrigerator?

Oh, that? I traded it. Did ok, too.

Well, I'm going to have to know the exact details.

Mr. Charlton, telephone long distance.

Oh, excuse me.

A Mr. Kelsey from Baltimore.

Oh, thank you.

How'd it go, sweetie?

What's that mean?

You like him, don't you?

Pa, quit shoving me...

I'll decide whether I like him or not.

Sure, I like him.

At first, I thought he was a cold fish, you know.

But when he looked out over that river, you should have seen his face...

It was like he just woke up and saw it's Christmas.

That's nice, huh, Pa?

Perfect, what'd he say?

Well he told me all about his plans and ambitions.

That's a good sign, then what?

Then I kissed him and he acted like I'd spit in his ear.

Honey, that kind of fish don't jump into your lap.

You got to bait the hook

Look, go put in your pink dress

and use some of my new perfume that "orgy".

- I used some the other night and Pop nearly came unhinged - Nearly? Ahem. Mighty powerful

Ma It's not "orgy", it's "orgie".

Orgie.

Ma... maybe she's right,

Don't rush her.

Poppy, listen, that top branch, somebody special... He's it.

And she likes him a lot more than she lets on.

I know Mariette.

Mark my words She's feeling right now...

... the way I felt first time I set eyes on you.

Ok, Ma, if you're that sure...

Let's go nail him.

Mm-hmm. No.

No.

Yes sir.

Yes sir.

Yeah.

Yes sir.

Well... it's a rather complicated business.

No cash, no record, nothing...

He comes from a long line of horse traders.

Horse thieves. According to our friend Burnshaw.

Well, let's remember that Mr.Burnshaw is an informer.

Let's remember that he has connections in the Treasury Department.

But don't let that influence you.

You treat Larkin like any tax-dodger...

slap an iron door on his loophole and smoke him out

Yes fine, I'll call you as soon as I get be back tonight.

- Hear that? - What's the matter?

He's gonna leave, Pop, you better think of something.

- Hey, Pop, I could do a ring job on his car. - Say...

You can't do that! Car belongs to the Government.

Yeah, that's right.

Right

Alright, Mr. Larkin, Let's get down to cases, shall we?

You've had a hard day Why not skip it for now?

You stay with us tonight...

No, Mrs.Larkin.

You wouldn't be any bother. We got a nice foam mat

I could put it there on the pool table and you'd be as snug as a bug in a rug.

Mr.Larkin, stop dodging the issue.

Tell me something, Do you love your family?

Plenty, but why?...

When a taxpayer shortchanges the Government

It's the same thing as if he's shortchanged his own family.

Why?

Because the Government belongs to everybody.

Don't you understand that?

Well, you mean, well, like that government car that's out there that belongs to everybody?

Exactly. That is exactly what I mean.

What are you two standing around for? Don't you have some thing to do?

Yeah, come on, Grant.

- Mr. Charlton, here's your coat. I'll just put it here - Thank you very much.

My throat's kind of dry, I think I'll whip up a little refreshment

Good, I'm feeling kind of parched myself.. How about you, Mr. Charlton?

I'm fine, thanks.

Name your poison, Ma.

That black lightning's nice. The one with Scotch and Cream de Cocoa?

I feel like something new.

Here's a beauty!

A laughing hyena. This will make you change your mind, Mr.Charlton.

1 part Vermouth, 2 parts Gin and 3 parts Whiskey.

What do you say? That'll tune your fiddle.

I'm not musically inclined, thank you.

Haha! That's a corker! Don't let me forget that, Ma.

Ooh, you're so fresh.

I have work to do here... Come on, Rusty, get out. I wanna sit down.

Ohh, my feet are killing me.

Now then, we're going to estimate the annual profits from your business.

Pop told you he don't make any profit.

That's right.

every transaction involves a profit.

For instance, he started out with two cows, and he woud up with a refrigerator.

Mr.Charlton dear, the refrigerator is gone!

I'm only citing that as an example

Now, what would it cost to buy 2 cows?

Well, there's cows and there's cows.

The 2 cows you traded,

What would they go for?

Well, now, let's see...

A couple of cows like that about 400 or 500$.

- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.

- Here, clean it real good. - Okey-dokey.

Windy!.

Now then, let's see if we've got this right.

Don't hesitate to correct me if I'm wrong.

- 2 cows are 500$. - That's right.

Cow for manure, manure for manure spreader...

and manure spreader for refrigerator.

A refrigerator that size would be worth at least $800

Now then, what did you get for the refrigerator?

What was that again?

What did you get for the refrigerator?

Oh, I got a first-class second-hand electrical organ.

An organ...

Here, this'll put some wind in your sails.

I've all the wind I need, thank you.

Haha! You now, you come up with some of the...

Wow!

You still at it?

How's it coming?

How do you like my new dress?

It's not too tight, is it?

I lost my lens...

Sure? Oh, here... Here it is, I have it.

Here, want me to help you. Here, let me try.

No, no. I can do it just as well with one.

An electric organ should be worth at least $1000.

So you now have a taxable profit of $500

Where's the 500$?

You started out with two cows at $500...

now you have a $1000 electric organ.

Not me, I gave it to the church.

Would you say that again.

He said he gave it to the church.

Why would you give a valuable electric organ to the church?

Mr. Charlton, don't tell me you're an atheist!

The Lord has been good to us and I promise to make it up to him.

All right. You have a tax deduction of $500.

$500! You said the organ is worth $1,000.

You're trying to cheat us, Mr.Charlton?

Ha ha! That's a horse on you, Mr. Charlton.

because you weren't thinking she's smart.

If you want to deduct something, how about deducting those army horses...

that were swiped from us back in 1863?

How about that, Mr. Charlton?

I said to myself this affair never would go so well...

But why do I try to resist, when darling I know...

so well.

I've got the...

under my skin...

Right after chow, Mr.Larkin we gotta settle this whole ugly matter.

You bet your bottom, Mr. Charlton.

Why do we call you Mr. Charlton? What is your first name?

Lorenzo...

That's a lovely name.

- Perfect - Stinks.

- Why don't we call you Charlie? - Feel free

Wake up to reality...

Bingo.

- Charlie!, Charlie! Telefone. - Thank you.

In spite of the warning voice, that comes in the night...

and repeats and repeat I'll be right back...

Oh sorry.

Yo?

Lorenzo, what's holding you up down there?

What's holding me up?

The truth of matter is...I'm defying the law of gravity.

Sorry...?

Lorenzo, what is the joke?

Lorenzo?

Call me Charlie. He thinks I'm Lorenzo.

Charlton, are you all right?

You bet your bottom.

I got my fiddle tuned. I got wind in my sails

Traded a laughing organ for an electric hyena.

You're drunk, Lorenzo. Now you stop that.

Look, is there anything wrong?

Everything is perfect... just perfect.

You're drunk, those tax-dodgers have got you drunk.

Now listen, boy, can you drive?

Can I drive?

Use your mentality Wake up to reality...

All right, boy. You just steady down. Now you get in your car...

drive to the nearest town and get a room.

- Do you hear me? - Roger

You sleep it off and get back there tomorrow.

- Understand? - Roger dodger.

Tomorrow, you harpoon those tax-dodgers...

and cut them to ribbons.

Roger dodger, old codger.

Although I am very far from you...

Sacrifice anything, come what might...

For the sake of having you near..

In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night, and repeat...

Charlie, where are you going?

Merry Christmas to everyone!

And to all. Goodnight.

Charlie!

Charlie!

I'd cacrifice anything, come what might...

For the sake of having you near..

Charlie! In spite of...

Charlie, where are you going?

I got to go to a hotel and get a room.

Hey, you're not going with me, huh?

A small hotel? A wishing well?

What are you talking about? You can't do that.

Go back, go back...

Charlie, Charlie...

You can't get in the car. It has no motor!

I never heard anything so silly. This car is fabulous for its motor, they...

bumblestums...! Maintenance department sent me here without a motor.

Charlie, Charlie. The boys are fixing it for you

It's right there. Now, come on, Let's get back to the house.

- They can't do that! - What?

- Charlie, - Come on, leave it alone.

I got to get a room. Now stand back.

Charlie, Charlie!

Charlie!

Lee, Grant, you go up and get the foam mattress.

You twins, clear off the pool table.

Here, come on.

Come on, Laddie,

easy does it.

Attaboy

- Where's Mariette? - I'm here, Charlie.

Hey, clear off those balls, Grant!

Let me go!

- This is the smalest... - Take your coat off, Charlie

- You know something? - What?

-You're nice. - Down, down, boy.

- You're nice too.

- Oh, no, All right. - Good night.

- Time to sleep. - Where's Mariette?

- Cover him with the blanket. - Where's Mariette?

Mariette.

Hey, don't you take liberties.

Lie down, friend.

Freedom... equality...

Fraternity...

Mariette... Mariette.

Now lie down Oh, my goodness! Charlie!

He will fall! Dropped down!

My God, Charlie!

Charlie!

Freedom!

Charlie! Charlie!

Get back here!

Can't get me...

Got it!

Get him!

I don't want.

Come on Charlie You'll feel better in the morning.

What's the matter?

I don't feel good.

Hold him!

Let's get him back on the pool table.

He'll fall off. Take him to my room.

- Come here Vicky. - Carefully.

Carefully.

Very carefully.

Take it easy

Grant, get out of the way.

And now go away children. Leave him alone.

- Mariette - Here I'm Charlie.

I am here. You'll be all right.

Now sleep tight

That he will, Come on, give me a hand, Ma. We'll get the rest of his clothes off

Now, Pop, wait a minute. Just a minute

Let me get my nightgown.

- Goodnight. - Good night darling

Mr.Kelsey? Mr.Wendell Burnshaw calling.

Here you are, sir.

Kelsey,what's your bird dog doing over there? Building a nest?

How do you know he's over there?

How I know he's there? I can see his car from my window.

Good, that means he's back on the job.

Back on the job? His car's been ther all night.

There must be some explanation?

That's what I calling for, Mr. Kelsey.

Or should I call my friend in Washington?

No, no, no. Don't do that. Lorenzo might have been working all night.

I beg your pardon? What was that?

My pig. A perfectly normal pig, till the Larkins got hold of him.

Now he's a nervous wreck.

What have they done to him?

Corrupted him, turned him into a howling sex maniac.

If they can do it to my pig, they can it to your bird dog.

You have no fear about Lorenzo.

Once he gets hold of tax-dodger He never lets go.

Good morning, How's my loving little revenuer?

Oh, look kind of peaked.

Well that's the price you pay, huh?

Guess you're out of condition, huh?

I'm only kidding.

You were wonderful...

Just wondeful.

You'd better get some more sleep. after last night, you need it.

I'll keep your breakfast warm.

What have I done?

Laughing hyena... .

Pool table!

Lorenzo, look at you! Oh, you're in trouble now.

Got to get ot of here

Oh, never again, never!

What have I done? What will they say?...

You're under my skin... Oh, how I hate that song!

This time I did it my boy

This time we did it

Good morning, Charlie! You're wanted on the phone, it's Mr. Kelsey.

Oh, thanks.

How'd he find out so fast?

Oh my boy, my boy!

- Was he awake? - Yeah, he's coming.

Good. Now Grant, you eat breakfast, or you don't get to ride on the truck.

Hello!

Hello!

What in the devil is going down there?

I can't talk to you right now.

Operator, get that number back again.

Well, you had yourself quite a night, Charlie?

Before you say anything, Mr.Larkin I don't know what you put in those drinks

Now I'm not blaming you But nothing ever hit me like that before

Now being drunk is no excuse. I know that But I didn't know what I was doing.

Guess You and I better have a little talk, Charlie.

Yes I more or less expect that...

Now, don't get yourself in an uproar,

What's done is done. Water over the dam

- Right, Ma? - Sure, Pop, happens in the best of families.

No use crying over spilt milk.

Now, now, now, Charlie. Don't act like a tax collector.

Sit down and have breakfast.

Give him some hot coffee, hon.

Answer the phone.

Am I to understand the fact that I...

That doesn't bother you?

No, bothers you, though you are being a government man,

I guess you're scared we're gonna spill the beans.

That's one aspect...

Ah, go on, relax, sit down and have your breakfast.

Hey, Charlie, That's Mr. Kelsey again.

Thanks.

Hello?

Lorenzo, don't you ever hang up on me again.

Now, Burnshaw tells me you spent the night there. Is that true?

Yes, sir.

But why? Are they holding you?

Look, what is going on.

Did they mousetrap you?

Hello everybody. Can we come in?

Pleasure, Sydney,

especially under the circumstances.

Yes, when the Reverend told me about it,

so I decided I better come along, too.

Look, Lorenzo, I...

Lorenzo, you still on that phone? I can hear you breathing, answer me

I can not talk to you now.

Lorenzo! Lo...Lo...

Charlie! Come on in here, will you?

Some friends of mine I want you to meet.

Charlie, This is the Reverend Osgood.

- Charlie Charlton. - Much pleasure.

and this is Chief Guthrie.

This is the young fella I told you about.

Ah, so this is the young man...

I've heard some very unsual things about you.

Can't believe everything you hear.

Listen, son, anything Pop Larkin says It's gospel.

Now wait, there are two sides to this.

I am not talking responsibility.

It's just that...

...in the first place I didn't want to spend the night here last night.

They took my motor apart. Don't you deny it.

Then you fed me that hopped-up booze...

Ok, I drank too much. I blacked out.

How I... If I made a mistake, I'm human same as everybody else

They can't be all that eager to get her... She's an attractive girl...

After all, I'm not all that What I'm driving at is this...

I'm from the IRS.

Mr. Larkin is in trouble about his back taxes.

- Now you follow me? - No I don't.

Well, I do. And let me tell you this, Charlie...

The only reason we put you in my bed,

because you couldn't hang onto the pool table.

Mariette! Charlie, you were a little tipsy last night...

And you ought to stay that way!

only time you act like a human is when you're drunk!

How about that, Ma? He thinks he spent the night with...

Pop! Not in front of the Reverend.

Sorry, Padre..

Mr.Charlton you seem to be laboring under a misconception.

I came to thank the Larkins,

for the organ they gave the church.

Me, too. I play the organ on Sundays.

And let me tell you something...

Everybody for miles around thinks...

the Larkins are the nicest people they know.

that includes me.

So maybe you better apologize. Huh, son?

- Please forgive me... - Oh, now, now, Charlie, ...

it's perfectly natural

Since I met Ma, the one thing on my mind,

day and night...

Poppy! Not in front of the Reverend.

- I believe I ought to... - Yes, Charlie, why... why don't you?

Well, Why don't we all sit down?

Chief, it's a little early, but how about, uh...

just coffee.

Coffee?

I'll have some coffee too.

If it's all the same to you, I'm busy.

This will only take a minute.

I did some foolish thing last night I said some follish things this morning.

Ok, time's up.

Now, will you kindly clear out?

Hey, Sugar. What's the good words?

What do you want Barney?

Now, is that any way to talk to a fella comes over here to pay you a friendly visit?

Oh, take your paws off me!

I'm in a bad mood.

I thouht I told you to clear out.

I'm not finished yet.

Maybe he don't hear so good. Shall I remove him?

Barney, you just remove yourself. Don't bother to think about it. Just go on.

What's the matter with you today?

Now you heard the lady? Get out of here!

Man, you a real comical type!

Go on, Barney!

See you later, Sugar.

I made a mistake.

Excuse me.

I admit that I was overly suspicious.

Suspicious?

You were born suspicious.

I'll bet you made the doctor show his license befor you let him slap your behind.

You don't trust a living soul. You don't even trust yourself.

You thought you came and got in my bed last night,

And that is not enough You thought I'd let you...

There's some truth in what you said.

Some truth?

where you concerned, I don't trust myself.

That's just her way of letting off steam.

She's let off quite a bit already.

Let me tell you a little secret about women.

Now, the reason they are called the opposite sex...

is because when they start to holler "I hate you"...

you can bet money, marbles, or chalk, that they mean just the opposite.

Food for thought, chum.

Well, the thought uppermost in my mind now is settling this tax matter.

Absotively.

I have a pretty fair idea what you're worth today

Now, if I could find out the value of this place when you inherited it,...

I could subtract that value from what you're worth today and proprate the...

Whoa, whoa, now.. say that again, will you?

Do you have any records of what you inherited? A probate file?

Well, let me see, now... There's a lot of old papers in the back room. Help yourselves.

I got to go say goodbye the Reverend and the Chief.

Uh, The reverend was very mighty grateful for that elctric organ,

and I imagine he'd do us a favor anytime we ask.

Think it over, Charlie.

What do you mean you don't trust yourselve?

- Hmm? - That's what you said.

Just wonder what you meant.

Oh, I'd rather not say.

Don't want to be accused of conflict of interest.

What are you doing?

Looking for a probate file.

Wasn't very nice to my friend Barney.

Why?

Because I took an instant dislike to him.

Well, I am like that, too.

One look and I can size a person up.

Take this fella I met.

Right off I could tell what was the matter with him.

He's a nice looking fella,... smart, ambitious.

But he's so serious. Work, work, work all day long.

what he needs, I said, is someone to show him...

how to get some fun out of life,...

And I said, I'm just the one to do it.

You know... you know what's wrong with you?

You are inhibited.

Would you prefer the homespun type? Honey lamb, honey sugar, sweetie pie

honey lamb, sugar plum! I'll...

Ha ha, no.

Maybe a career girl? Mm-hmm?

May I take a letter, Senator?

Any letter you'd care to dictate to me, from A to Z, you take it,

And I'll just run it down your throat.

Oh, now cut out the monkey business...

and let me get on with my work, please...

Well, what type do you like?

The silent and invisible type.

Invisible!

Help!

All right, come on, come on get out of here, you'll suffocate.

A cool arctic time. And a good night out

for me to be.

All right, all right,

You've had your fun. Now, come on...

It's snowing.

I've got so much to do.

Here's that paper Pop was talking about? Listen, listen!

"The Federal Government promises to pay to Joshua Larkin. ..", that's Pop's great-grandfather,

"The sum of $50 each for 30 horses" We never got paid a nickel!

Hey, look, It is signed by Major Oscar Bolt 2nd Cavalry US Army.

And it's dated August 4, 1863. Here!

- So? - So do something about it.

Do what?

Get our money.

Are you out of your mind? An old claim like that?

- It clearly says here, Charlie... - Now, will you leave me alone...

and stop acting like an idiot.

Idiot?! I...

- Ooh! - Oh... haha!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, You're going to be much sorrier.

Sorry, sorry!

- Who's an idiot? - I am

Hiya, Sugar.

Get out of here, you big lummox!

You see how it is? Yesterday I was first in line.

Today she tells me to get out.

What do you suppose cause a sudden shift in the wind?

Barney, don't you go starting anything!

I'm not starting anything! I'm here to finish it!

- You get your hands off him ...

- and leave him alone! - You get out of here!

Where are you, Charlie? Wait a minute now wait a minute!

Charlie! Let him go!

Help!Larkins!

Let him go, brutes!

Help me!

Hang onto him, Hank!

Here, Grant, take this! You know help yourselve.

Ma, here. Get busy, come on.

We're coming, Honey!

Charlie, watch out!.

Ok Kids! Let her go!

- Hate to do this to you, Pop! - I have to fix that board.

- Now, Ma! - Hey Pop, Hit him, Pop! - Get him Mom, slug him!

- Help! Help! Get him off me! - Sir! Help me! Get me out of here.

- Not me mom, him!

Lorenzo! Lorenzo!

Why are you...?

Now, Ma!

- Watch yourselve, Ma! - Get him! I will! - Watch it

Lorenzo.

Sir. Kelsey?

Well! I hope you have a suitable explanation for all of this.

Excuse me. I present Mr. and Mrs.Larkin.

Their daughter Mariette.

These are the twins.

this is Lee.

and you met Grant.

Yes, Lorenzo... I'll have a word with you.

Forget about my career, they can carve me up like a Christmas turkey

But forget about that Let's just consider your career.

Well, If word of this get back to Washington...

Mr.Kelsey, with you on the job There no need to involve Washington.

We sent a boy to do a man's work. We made mistake.

That's all been rectified now.

How'd you like me to rectify you......

Now, now, you watch it. He's being very lenient to you and so am I

Now, you get into this car and hightail it back to Baltimore.

I'll settle with brother Larkin.

No sir, please let me finish this job...

Get in and get going!

- I can't. - Why not?

The motor's gone.

They stolen your motor?

No, no, the boys thought it needed fixing

why didn't you stop them, Mr. Charlton?

Because I was drunk!

Take my car, Lorenzo, and hit the road.

Good hunting, Kelsey.

You never mention you were sent by Mr. Burnshaw.

Oh... he only started the inquiry.

Yeah, you did all the dirty work.

You know Pop wouldn't cheat the Government.

Why don't you stay here and help him? Kelsey can ruin me with just two words: "You're fired".

Two little words, and my whole future goes down the drain.

- Now tell me the truth... - Ok! Oh! If that's the way to protect your rosy future.

- Go ahead. Do what you're told - Please listen to me...

You may be a big man oneday. But you better start growing fast...

Cause right now you look awful small to me.

Lorenzo! what is holding you up?

Don't get excited. He's leaving, by request.

You know, you'll make a great congressman!

Don't mind Mariette, I know you did your level best.

Come back really soon, Charlie.

If you do, you won't work for the government again.

Goodbye Charlie!

Goodbye!

Now then...

You lads get that car back together...

or you'll be a pair of the sorriest juveniles in the good old USA

Mr. Larkin, you and I are going to the mat.

And hear this, no more razzmatazz.

Any funny...

What do ... Get away!

Stray dog!

That's the cumulus.

Damn animal.

Look out Mr.Kelsey!

You sit right down here, Mr.Kelsey.

Will you hand me my briefcase?

Here you are Mr. Kelsey, this will oil up the old caboose.

What is that?

It's called the laughing hyena.

Plenty of bite, but leaves smiling.

Tune my fiddle? Put wind in my sail?

You bet your bottom!

Uh, nothing personal. Won't you try it!

I wouldn't touch it with a pair of fire tongs.

Nice basin of ice water. Now wouldn't you rather go in the next room and soak..

Why don't you turn off the molasses and let's get this show on the road

Now according to Lorenzo's figures, your total cash assets are $180.

$183, correct.

No secret bank account, no money hidden under the mattress...

buried in the backyard?

No, sir. No, serrée.

You see, the way Ma and I figure a man who spends his time hoarding money...

Well, he's like a dog with large plate full of bones.

He's so busy snarling and snapping at the other dogs...

He'll like to starve to death himself.

Now we enjoy what we have, we eat good, we sleep good and we feel good.

You sure you won't have one of these, huh?

I'm positive.

- $183, hmm? - Correct, yeah.

How much do you get from the soil bank?

Soil? Soil bank?

The only bank arround here is the bank of Midelehaven.

No, no, no, I don't mean that kind of bank.

There's a bank that pays with just ordinary dirt?

Look...

Let's say there's a surplus in barley...

- You understand surplus? - Yeah, too much.

Too much, yes. Well, then, naturally, the government doesn't want any more barley, right?

Right.

So you say to the government,

"I am go to plant 20 acres of barley."

- No, I never said that. - Why would I want to plant barley...?

Don't you understand? The government pays you...

not to plant barley, in cash!

You mean there's a bank that pays you...

not to plant something?

Cash!

Hmm! that's the crookedest thing I've ever heard of.

That's cheating. Shame on you.

Wouldn't catch Charlie telling us to cheat the government.

Straight as a string Charlie is.

Ok, folks. The quiz show is over.

we'll just start with Charlton's figures. Now I'll figure out what you owe.

- That's good enough for us, huh, Ma? - You bet.

I trust Charlie's figures from here to Hackensack.

I will do my utmost to justify your faith.

Soil Bank? That's the silliest thing I ever...

Aw, don't pay any... I don't...!

How's she sound, Grant?

Perfect, just perfect.

Mariette!

Oh... going to sell some flowers, hmm?

Not these, we brought these for you.

Well, what did you do that for?

We thought they would cheer you up.

Make you feel a little better about Charlie.

They always send flowers to people that feel bad.

And to people who are sick...

Or dead.

No! Noooo!

You keep that dog away from me!

Shoo! get out, go on.

Shoo! get out, go on.

I don't know why Mr.Kelsey, but you don't seem to hit it off with the animal kingdom.

Yes, well, as long as I hit it off with you, Mr.Larkin. I'll be very happy.

Can I get you a cup of coffee, Mr.Kelsey?

No thank you.

Maybe you'd like a beer or something?

Thank you, no.

I have already calculated the total of your taxes.

Good.

Hope you remember, Pop's a little short of cash.

Yes, I remember now, let's see...

20-year back taxes and interest,...

plus penalties for never having file a return. This can all add up

However, I've gone very easy on you

Well, thank you kindly, sir.

I've managed to hold it down to only $50,000.

50.000?

You must be dreaming.

You are out of mind?

Where in the world would I round up $50,000?

Nice little place you've got here. You should have no trouble selling it.

Hold on a minute.

As a matter of fact, Mr. Burnshaw tell me he made you a most attractive offer.

Burnshaw? He'll say anything.

One thing I won't do is sell this place.

All right, we'll sell it for you.

Your sweet little joyride is over, Mr.Larkin.

Now you start paying your way.

Pop pays his way! You ask anybody.

Fellas down on his luck, Pop's right there with a truckload of food!

He may trade the shirt off your back,

But if you need a shirt, he'll give you 5 of his own!

He does more for the human race in a week than you do in a month of Sundays.

I'll tell you that.

Quiet down. Look, Mariette.

Sweetie, I thank you for the kind words,

But we're in trouble enough when he's happy,

and you're making him mad.

that'd be half what I am. Watch out!

Shame!

What's he trying to do to Pop?

They going to take our place away? They can't do it, can they?

I'll sic the dog on him.

Hey, Where are you going?

Ahem. Then, where were we?

Ah yes, yes...

There's several ways of going about this.

If Uncle sells you out, it will be a public auction, sold to the highest bidder.

Bye-bye, baby, that is it...

But if you sell it yourself to Mr. Burnshaw, for instance,

Well, You'll be money ahead.

Hey

No, no, no.

Stop that.., follow that girl!

That's the government property! That's valuable! Get it? Go!

Mariette Larkin, You really fixed yourself this time!

Now get out of that car!

Chief, let me go.I got to go see the government.

You are looking at the government right now. Get out!

Pop's in trouble.

So are you, get out.

I got to go raise some money, If I don't, they're going to take our farm.

Take your farm? Who's going take your farm?

That tax collector, that's why I got to get the money.

Chief, Don't stop me.

He is, is he? Get in that car.

But you drive slowly.

Right.

Come in.

Hi Charlie.

Mariette!

What are... How... This is a miracle!

Do you believe in ex... ex... you know thought transference?

Oh, have you any remote idea how I've... the inner conflict, the torment.

I can't eat or sleep. Look...

Look, I've even saved hay from the barn.

What can I get you?

A drink of water? No, I have a thermos...

We... no,,, we'll go to the cafeteria. They have every sort of delicious...

Hello.

How are you?

Oh... I'm on top of the world. I never thought I'd see you again.

Here I am.

- I know. How are you? - Well, I'm terrible.

Mr. Kelsey is going to take our farm.

Oh, no.

Yeah, or make Pop sell it; We owe $50,000!

Charlie, you've got to help me.

- Get a lawyer - Yeah? - You'll go to court.

- Right? - That is the one...

No that will take months, though.

Charlie, we need the money!

When the case is finally decided, you'd lose

The taxpayer always loses.

Now just calm down a little and read this.

Look... 30 horses cost $1,500 and at 10% compound interest...

That'd be a lot of money, wouldn't it?

Yes, of course.

Why don't you call the guy in charge and tell him we have to have it?

I just can't pick up a phone and call the Inspector General of Claims.

Well, let's go see him.

- It isn't far to Washington. - Don't be ridiculous.

In the first place,...

even if your claim is valid, which is subject to some doubt,

you don't start at the top.

Charlie, you're shrinking again.

Oh, a claim has got to be processed.

It has to be checked. It has to be scrutinized

You're getting smaller and smaller...

Look, I would be perfectly happy to file your claim,

But you've got to go through proper channels.

Talk, talk, talk. All you ever do is talk.

They're going to take Dad's farm and they're going to break his heart.

You know perfectly well...

Hello?

Lorenzo, Kelsey here. I want you to start foreclosure proceedings immediately against Larkin.

I've already lower the boom.

Yes, I know all about it. $50,000.

Who told you?

Mariette!

She is there?

Just a minute, where are you going?

I'm going to Washington to get our money.

Don't! They'll think you're crazy.

They'll lock you up! Come on, back here!

If you let her get away, you are out of a job.

Mr. Kelsey with your imagination, I think you know what you can do with my job..

Sir.

Take her to the FBI!

- Give her a loyalty check! - Mariette!

- I've got to see the Inspector General! - Let her go, gentlemen! She didn't know what she was doing!

- I told you I knew this would happen! - Talk, talk. Can't you ever do anything?

She is a decent, law-abiding woman!

Get down! I'll lock them down! Beat it

Get away! Charlie!

Now just hold on a moment there,

I know the laws of land.

She has a perfect right to present a claim.

- Help, Charlie! Tell them let me go! - Out of the way

Are you willing to face a charge of false arrest?

I'll do you one better, buddy?

You're under arrest too. Come on.

You're very rude! You haven't heard the end of this!

Hold it, hold it!

It's a false alarm.

What's the meaning of this? What are you doing in there?

I am sorry. I apologize.

No need to apologize, This is a public room, isn't it?

Let's get out of here.

No, we're going to do no such thing. You're come with me.

- What, what?

- Not here. - See about this.

The door. The door

- And I'll tell you one thing...We're going to have some more fire drills around here!

Yes sir. Did you hear that. Why do they pushed Mr. Bigelow around outside there like nobody

Who in the world would set off a false alarm?

Probably that crazy girl who was trying to get in to see Mr.Bigelow.

We'll get to the bottom of this!

Gentlemen, Mr. Inspector General.

What do you want?

I want you to listen to me, sir.

In 1863, a Major of the US Cavalry...

requisitioned 30 horses from a farmer named Joshua Larkin.

The Major signed a paper.

Get the security officer!

Please look at this, sir. promising to pay $50 per each.

or a total of $1,500 at 10% compounded ...

There they are.

Get her! Get her!

Funny, never figured borrowing a pig ...

could cause so much trouble.

Poppy, I'm real worried about Mariette.

You think we ought to call the police?

I did that sometime ago, Mrs.Larkin.

I'm sure she's in good hands by now.

What do you mean...?

- Larkin may we have your answer, please? - You want to sell or don't you?

Of course I don't want to sell!

Excuse me, I...I'm upset.

You're a puzzle Mr.B.You got more land than you could ever use...

still, you got to run me off mine.

Tell me why Mr.B?

Let's not go into all that.

I'm offering twice what your property's worth.

I advise you to grab it, Mr.Larkin, he is being very generous with you.

Oh, He's like that! Ask him for the loan of a shotgun!

without thinking twice, he'll give you both barrels

Ma, we can't stall any longer Do we or don't we?

Poppy, what ever you say, it will be all right with us. That's right kids?

Yeah, Ma, sure.

Would you show me where to sign? I never done this before.

Right there.

Hey, Pop!, there some kind of parade coming.

Or a funeral, whole lot of people!

Well.. howdy, everybody. Reverend. Chief.

Bob, what is all this?

Well, Sydney, the Reverend here needs a stove for the parish house...

and I brought purchasing committee along to decide.

Look like the whole congregation

Well, take your pick. Help yourself.

Look at this one! This one's a beauty.

Reverend that's an old wood-burner!

Yes, It's exactly what my wife has always wanted.

I wouldn't take that home. Down here...

Would $300 be enough?

What did you say?

300$.

He's right, Reverend. Why? This is a collector's item.

An real antique! how about $400?

$400?

Sold.

Sydney, come here, please... Look, this trailer down here

I can use it now Will you take $1000 for it?

Wait a minute I could use that too, $1250.

$1500 Sydney?

$2000 and I'll give you...

- .... - ....

Come on, I found what I wanted.

- Now, let's him get away with that, are - Tsk.., tsk,...

But... what is all this?

Will you take $2,000 for this?

What do you want with a fire engine?

I collect fire engines.

Well, so do I. I'll give you $3000.

$ 3.500.

Ok... ok ...

Ok, you didn't fool me for a minute

I know what you're up to.

And the answer all around is "No"

We didn't expect to fool you, Sidney.

Well, we just wanted to render payment to you for...

Well, for making so many lives so much richer and happier.

We can afford the money but we can't afford to see you go.

Well, I'm in the trading business.

I never took something for nothing in my life and I don't plan to start now

The Larkin family has lived here for a long time.

But nothing as nice as this has ever happened to us before

And likely won't again.

That right, Ma?

Ma says "Yes"

I appreciate all of you coming out here.

and doing us this honor.

You're giving us a wonderful memory... to take with us as long as we live...

We'll remember this day as the proudest moment of our...

Where have you been?

Hi!

Officer, arrest that woman!

Charlie!

Lorenzo, what are you doing in that thing?

I thought I told you to... Mr. Ogelthorpe?

Mr. Arbuthnot?

Mr. Bigelow?

Kelsey, did you send this young man to investigate Larkin?

This young man?...Well, Sir, as Head of the... Yes, Sir.

Yes, he fumbled the ball but I took over.

Now, it's true I only nailed Larkin for 50 grand...

50,000. Isn't that marvelous?

Superb.

Out of this world.

Well, now, I don't deserve all the credit.

Mr. Burnshaw here started the ball rolling.

Yes, I have very close ties to the Treasurer.

Don't be too sure about that.

My client every year pays a large... very large tax bill.

Wait till he sees tax bill for next year.

Now, please...

This conscientious young man and this young lady forcibly brought to my attention...

a 96-year-old claim against the government.

Charlie deserves all the credit.

You should have seen him, Pop. He was wonderful!

In those days, the government paid a much higher interest rate.

In all those 96 years, the interest apparently has been adding...

doubling, tripling, multiplying.

Charlie figured it all out for them.

Mr.Larkin owes us $50,000, you say?

Yes sir...

In the opinion of our legal department,

we'll owe Mr.Larkin $14,119,500.

- I have the most marvelous decorator do the whole place over. - Do it over?

Now, in all fairness, Mr.Bigelow, to justify my course of action...

I would like to say one thing...

If it worth 14 million, say it, otherwise shut your face.

What?

Pop.

Here's Charlie.

Are you serious?

Of course, he is

Charlie, it's all your fault, so don't just stand there.

Get busy and do something!

- If you say that once more...! - Okay, okay. But get busy

Where is Mr.Bigelow?

Excuse me. there you are, Sir.

Sir, Mr.Larkin says he doesn't want the 14 million.

I don't think I heard you correctly.

Yes, you heard him correctly. I don't want your old 14 million.

You don't want it?

What would I use it for?

We got everthing we need We eat good, sleep good, we feel good.

Who could ask for more than that?

Besides, I didn't earn it.

I never yet took anything for nothing.

so I hope you won't feel hurt but...

even though I haven't got it yet, please take it back!

He's drunk?

He's not drunk, he's crazy.

I am glad you said that Mr.B,

cause now I know he's doing the right thing.

Of course he is! and we'll be very happy to take the money back.

Ah! One condition!

Mr.Larkin's money will apply toward his taxes from now on.

No more bird dogs snooping around here.

We can't promise that Lorenzo.

Oh, No! No strings attached...

- I've told you once, I'll tell you for the last time... - Shut your face!

You got a deal

You did it again, Charlie boy!

I tell you, Ma, He's a prize animal!

Right off the top branch.

Now, if it's all right with you I'd like a word with your loud-mouthed daughter.

Go get her, boy! Skin her alive.

Come on Ma! Let's go!

Just as I always say, Ma Do unto others, and they'll do unto you.

Poppy, not in front of the Reverend.

I give up! You caught me!

Turned out to be a pretty nice day after all, huh, Ma?

The very nicest day we ever had.

Perfect... Everything just perfect.

Subtittle editted by Thokidi