Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,568 --> 00:00:06,397
This is the story
of the greatest man
2
00:00:06,441 --> 00:00:09,400
to ever walk the earth,
3
00:00:09,444 --> 00:00:11,576
MacGruber.
4
00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:14,579
♪ He was
a military secret weapon ♪
5
00:00:14,623 --> 00:00:17,060
♪ America's favorite son
6
00:00:17,104 --> 00:00:19,932
♪ Doing whatever it takes
to keep the country safe ♪
7
00:00:19,976 --> 00:00:22,587
♪ Been ripping throats out
just for fun ♪
8
00:00:22,631 --> 00:00:25,199
♪ His prowess
on the battlefield ♪
9
00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:28,376
♪ Was only equaled
in the sack ♪
10
00:00:28,419 --> 00:00:30,726
♪ He knew how to hump
and, baby, I should know ♪
11
00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:33,033
♪ I was his wife
so I humped him back ♪
12
00:00:33,076 --> 00:00:34,382
Wow.
13
00:00:34,425 --> 00:00:36,601
♪ But our marriage
lasted seven seconds ♪
14
00:00:36,645 --> 00:00:39,213
♪ 'Cause at the altar
as we pledged our love ♪
15
00:00:39,256 --> 00:00:42,303
♪ I was blown up
by MacGruber's nemesis ♪
16
00:00:42,346 --> 00:00:44,696
♪ The piece of shit named
Dieter von Cunth ♪
17
00:00:44,740 --> 00:00:47,264
♪ Then a bunch
of fucking years later ♪
18
00:00:47,308 --> 00:00:50,311
♪ Cunth hijacked
a nuclear bomb ♪
19
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:53,096
♪ Well, Mac assembled a team
that was hungry and mean ♪
20
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:56,273
♪ But they exploded in a van
21
00:00:56,317 --> 00:00:58,406
♪ A backup team
was assembled ♪
22
00:00:58,449 --> 00:01:01,191
♪ Dixon Piper was
his right hand man ♪
23
00:01:01,235 --> 00:01:03,933
♪ And my best friend
Vicki St. Elmo ♪
24
00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:06,675
♪ Joined MacGruber
and they formed a plan ♪
25
00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:09,547
♪ But while they were
on the mission ♪
26
00:01:09,591 --> 00:01:12,289
♪ Mac and Vicki
both developed a crush ♪
27
00:01:12,333 --> 00:01:14,944
♪ They tracked down Cunth
and blew his compound up ♪
28
00:01:14,987 --> 00:01:17,381
♪ And in their spare time,
they boned a bunch ♪
29
00:01:17,425 --> 00:01:18,948
♪ Their relationship
30
00:01:18,991 --> 00:01:20,471
♪ Progressed super quickly
31
00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:23,474
♪ They were the love
of each other's life ♪
32
00:01:23,518 --> 00:01:26,260
♪ And after more flirting
MacGruber was certain ♪
33
00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:29,089
♪ And he asked Vicki
to be his wife ♪
34
00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:31,569
♪ But just when you thought
everything was safe ♪
35
00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:34,572
♪ Cunth came back
from the dead ♪
36
00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:36,748
♪ And just like me,
he tried to kill Vicki ♪
37
00:01:36,792 --> 00:01:39,882
♪ On their motherfuckin'
wedding day ♪
38
00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:42,711
♪ But MacGruber fought hard
and killed that fucker ♪
39
00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:45,235
♪ And threw him off a cliff
40
00:01:45,279 --> 00:01:46,715
♪ Then using Piper's gun
41
00:01:46,758 --> 00:01:48,499
♪ Mac shot Cunth
full of holes ♪
42
00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:50,893
♪ And then pissed on
his smoldering corpse ♪
43
00:01:50,936 --> 00:01:53,852
♪ So spread the words,
ya frickin' turds ♪
44
00:01:53,896 --> 00:01:56,203
♪ MacGruber is the man
45
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:59,423
♪ Now you're all caught up
and you can watch the show ♪
46
00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:02,252
♪ Send complaints
to this woman Susanne ♪
47
00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:21,489
Go get it, Bailey.
48
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:26,668
Nightingale is secure.
49
00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:30,672
She's all good,
Mr. President.
50
00:02:30,715 --> 00:02:33,283
Thanks, Ronnie.
Hey, grab a cookie.
51
00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:34,980
John, are you gonna
come help me
52
00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:38,158
or am I gonna have to decorate
this whole tree all by myself?
53
00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:40,638
I'm sorry, hon.
I-I gotta finish up
54
00:02:40,682 --> 00:02:43,206
a little light reading
from the Joint Chiefs.
55
00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:44,773
Bah humbug.
56
00:02:49,256 --> 00:02:52,346
North Pole, Santa speaking.
57
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:55,566
Hello, Mr. President.
58
00:02:55,610 --> 00:02:57,220
Who the hell is this?
59
00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:01,137
Bailey...
60
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:04,227
Bailey!
61
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:08,753
You take from me,
I take from you.
62
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,061
Lucy.
63
00:03:15,064 --> 00:03:16,892
Bailey?
64
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,169
Go, go, go!
65
00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:13,427
♪ MacGruber
66
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:25,613
Are you sure about this, sir?
67
00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:27,528
No, Major, I'm not.
68
00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:29,617
This son of a bitch
is our only hope.
69
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:32,489
And what if he says no?
70
00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:35,231
Then God help us.
71
00:04:39,627 --> 00:04:42,020
He's been in and out
of the special housing unit
72
00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:43,500
since he got here.
73
00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:46,111
He's what we like to call
a "problem inmate."
74
00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:47,591
Why is that?
75
00:04:47,635 --> 00:04:49,419
Let's just say...
76
00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,769
he doesn't play well
with others.
77
00:04:57,035 --> 00:04:58,820
Shit.
78
00:04:58,863 --> 00:05:00,865
Fuck it.
Just leave it, man.
79
00:05:00,909 --> 00:05:02,476
I'll go get it.
80
00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:11,789
Are you trying
to steal my ball?
81
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:13,617
See, it's on my side
of the yard,
82
00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:15,967
so, the way I see it,
83
00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:18,927
this is my ball now.
84
00:05:18,970 --> 00:05:22,147
Good news is,
I'm gonna let you keep it.
85
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:23,801
The bad news?
86
00:05:23,845 --> 00:05:26,369
I'm gonna shove it up your ass.
87
00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:28,980
Do you like things up
your ass, boy?
88
00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:30,417
Huh?
I said,
89
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:32,244
do you like
things up your ass?
90
00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:33,898
I like things in my butt.
91
00:05:38,381 --> 00:05:40,992
What the fuck you just say?
92
00:05:43,386 --> 00:05:45,257
Thought I was speaking
pretty clearly.
93
00:05:48,826 --> 00:05:52,961
I said,
"I like things in my butt."
94
00:05:54,702 --> 00:05:56,181
So why don't you
leave the kid alone
95
00:05:56,225 --> 00:05:59,184
and come put your little
rubber ball up inside me?
96
00:06:00,969 --> 00:06:06,104
Did you hear that,
you fucking piece of shit?
97
00:06:06,148 --> 00:06:09,194
- You got a death wish, man?
- Why, are you a genie?
98
00:06:09,238 --> 00:06:12,110
No, I'm the guy who's gonna
pound your fucking face in.
99
00:06:12,154 --> 00:06:15,070
Nice to meet you, guy who's
gonna pound my fucking face in.
100
00:06:15,113 --> 00:06:16,593
My name is let the kid go
101
00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:19,335
or I'll kill you
and all your fucking friends
102
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,076
Love Hewitt.
103
00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:24,688
But, hey, we're getting off
track here, bud.
104
00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,995
You got a perfectly nice ball,
105
00:06:27,038 --> 00:06:29,737
and I have a desire
to have that ball up my butt.
106
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:32,000
So I guess
the only question is:
107
00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:35,612
are you gonna jam it up
there or am I?
108
00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:40,400
Lucky me.
109
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,426
We done here?
110
00:07:06,469 --> 00:07:09,429
Hit him!
111
00:07:15,957 --> 00:07:18,002
God damn it, Pierce.
Shut this down now.
112
00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:21,571
- Yes, sir.
- Wait a minute, son.
113
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:24,052
I'd like to see this.
114
00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:32,713
Pretty satisfying
main course so far.
115
00:07:32,756 --> 00:07:35,237
Hope you saved room
for dessert.
116
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,457
Or should I say...dis dirt!
117
00:07:53,298 --> 00:07:55,126
all: Throat rip!
Throat rip, throat rip!
118
00:07:55,170 --> 00:07:57,346
Is this what you want?
119
00:07:57,389 --> 00:08:00,131
- Yeah!
- Is it?
120
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:01,176
Shut it down.
121
00:08:06,224 --> 00:08:08,226
Sorry, bud, but for you,
122
00:08:08,270 --> 00:08:10,620
that's all she throat.
123
00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:18,323
Open 104.
124
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:32,512
Well, well, well.
125
00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:34,775
If it isn't my old friend,
126
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:37,038
Lieutenant Colonel
Barrett Fasoose.
127
00:08:37,081 --> 00:08:39,606
It's General Fasoose now.
128
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:43,044
Sorry, General.
129
00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:44,698
Who's the cherry?
130
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:48,310
Major Harold Kernst, NSA.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
131
00:08:48,353 --> 00:08:51,356
Save the fuckin'
Boy Scout shit for someone
132
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,837
who gives a flying funk.
133
00:08:53,881 --> 00:08:55,752
I'll cut to the chase.
134
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:57,493
We need you, MacGruber.
135
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,190
Of course you do.
136
00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:01,279
The government is prepared
to release you from prison,
137
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:04,282
restore your pension,
and grant you a full pardon.
138
00:09:04,326 --> 00:09:05,849
Oh, a full pardon!
139
00:09:05,893 --> 00:09:07,982
You mean, for a crime
I didn't commit?
140
00:09:08,025 --> 00:09:09,287
You killed an unarmed man
141
00:09:09,331 --> 00:09:11,507
in front of 75 people
at your own wedding.
142
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,987
Unarmed?
143
00:09:13,030 --> 00:09:16,033
He shot a rocket-propelled RPG
at our wedding pagoda!
144
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:17,208
You could've just
arrested him.
145
00:09:17,252 --> 00:09:18,862
Instead you threw him
off a cliff,
146
00:09:18,906 --> 00:09:19,907
riddled him with bullets,
147
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:21,473
and urinated on his corpse.
148
00:09:21,517 --> 00:09:24,607
Cunth deserved everything
he got, and you know that.
149
00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:25,956
Well, the jury
felt differently.
150
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,871
Well, fuck the fucking jury.
151
00:09:27,915 --> 00:09:29,873
Look, Mac,
I understand you're angry,
152
00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:31,788
but we're offering you
a way out here.
153
00:09:31,832 --> 00:09:33,747
And this one comes
all the way from the top.
154
00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:38,055
The President?
155
00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:39,927
Oh, my God.
156
00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:43,452
I-I've been waiting
for this day for ten years.
157
00:09:43,495 --> 00:09:45,193
Oh, my God, I'm a free man.
158
00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:47,108
There's a catch.
159
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:50,677
It's a suicide mission, Mac.
160
00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:55,420
Major, give us a second.
161
00:09:55,464 --> 00:09:57,597
Sir.
162
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:04,081
In exactly 46 hours,
163
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:06,649
there's going to be
a hostage exchange.
164
00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:08,085
And I'm the hostage.
165
00:10:08,129 --> 00:10:10,435
The kidnappers
requested you specifically.
166
00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:12,089
Flattering.
167
00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:15,092
They left this as
some kind of calling card.
168
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:17,660
Said it would explain
your death sentence.
169
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:23,710
Look familiar?
170
00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:29,280
Never seen it before.
171
00:10:29,324 --> 00:10:31,631
Shame, 'cause this is
all we've got.
172
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:34,068
Well, sucks to be you.
173
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:36,113
Look, super tempting offer,
174
00:10:36,157 --> 00:10:37,462
but it's a hard pass.
175
00:10:37,506 --> 00:10:40,640
Mac, it's not for me.
It's for your country.
176
00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:42,859
Oh, for my country, huh?
177
00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:45,775
Let me tell you a little
something about my country.
178
00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:48,082
I risked my life
for my country.
179
00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:50,693
I saved her from
a fuckin' nuclear holocaust.
180
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,782
And what did my country
do for me?
181
00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:54,131
Destroyed my marriage,
182
00:10:54,175 --> 00:10:56,307
took a dump
in my reputation's mouth,
183
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:58,658
and caged me
like a wild animal.
184
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:01,704
So fuck my country!
185
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:03,750
And fuck you.
186
00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:13,673
Merry Christmas, MacGruber.
187
00:11:19,374 --> 00:11:22,203
Merry Christmas.
188
00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:31,647
♪ Happy birthday to you
189
00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:37,000
- ♪ Happy birthday to you
- Open it.
190
00:11:41,352 --> 00:11:46,140
♪ Happy birthday,
dear MacGruber ♪
191
00:11:46,183 --> 00:11:49,056
Down now!
192
00:11:49,099 --> 00:11:51,319
Mommy!
193
00:12:08,336 --> 00:12:10,381
One flannel shirt.
194
00:12:10,425 --> 00:12:12,035
One tan vest.
195
00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:13,950
One pair of denim jeans.
196
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:15,952
One wedding ring, gold.
197
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,911
One pair of sunglasses.
198
00:12:17,954 --> 00:12:19,521
One locket, gold.
199
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:21,784
One car stereo, Blaupunkt.
200
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,526
Sign on the line.
201
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:44,372
Who let the dog out?
202
00:12:47,027 --> 00:12:48,332
This way, MacGruber.
203
00:12:48,376 --> 00:12:49,812
You wish.
204
00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:51,596
Sir, we have
strict instructions
205
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,816
to take you straight
to NSA headquarters.
206
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:54,904
Well, I'm sure you do.
207
00:12:54,948 --> 00:12:58,516
I'm afraid
this isn't a request.
208
00:13:05,306 --> 00:13:07,830
Look...
209
00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:10,093
I have one day left
on this Earth.
210
00:13:10,137 --> 00:13:12,269
One fucking day.
211
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:15,185
Please let me
go say my goodbyes.
212
00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,535
Sorry.
My hands are tied.
213
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:21,844
I understand.
214
00:13:23,977 --> 00:13:26,066
Shit. Shoelaces.
215
00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:40,907
Damn it.
Call it in.
216
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,304
Threat assessment.
217
00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:50,307
Awareness, detection, response.
218
00:13:50,351 --> 00:13:51,482
Always be on the lookout,
219
00:13:51,526 --> 00:13:53,354
because if you're not
on your game,
220
00:13:53,397 --> 00:13:55,530
that's you in a body bag.
221
00:13:55,573 --> 00:13:57,532
So to recap,
222
00:13:57,575 --> 00:13:58,968
U-turns are okay
at an intersection
223
00:13:59,012 --> 00:14:01,579
unless a sign
explicitly prohibits it.
224
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:07,107
Any other questions on U-turns?
225
00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:08,717
I have a question.
226
00:14:10,719 --> 00:14:12,416
What the hell
are you doing here?
227
00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:14,723
What happens if
you've, uh, done something
228
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:17,639
that you regret
with all your heart?
229
00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:20,163
Something that made one of
your most dependable allies
230
00:14:20,207 --> 00:14:21,991
lose faith in you.
231
00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:23,558
Is it possible to, uh,
232
00:14:23,601 --> 00:14:27,649
U-turn in that situation?
233
00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:30,217
Like, say you murdered someone.
234
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:31,914
Someone who deserved it.
235
00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:34,482
And then in court,
you got really scared,
236
00:14:34,525 --> 00:14:36,745
like shit your pants scared.
237
00:14:36,788 --> 00:14:38,573
So you pinned some of
the blame on your friend--
238
00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:41,054
who did throw you
the murder weapon, by the way.
239
00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:44,318
But then that friend got kicked
out of the military,
240
00:14:44,361 --> 00:14:45,841
was forced
to teach traffic school
241
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,538
to a bunch of fuckin' losers
242
00:14:47,582 --> 00:14:49,062
'cause his life
went down the toilet.
243
00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:51,455
Could that friend ever
244
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:53,588
U-turn his feelings
245
00:14:53,631 --> 00:14:55,416
toward that friend
who fucked his life,
246
00:14:55,459 --> 00:14:57,505
if that friend--
the first friend,
247
00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:59,986
the accused murderer--
248
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:02,379
was as sorry as
the sorriest person
249
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:05,121
ever in the history
of the universe?
250
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:10,735
Hello, Piper.
251
00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:13,738
- Class dismissed.
- No, not dismissed.
252
00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:16,263
Wait, Piper.
Piper, bud!
253
00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:18,830
Look, I blew it,
with a capital B.
254
00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:21,746
Blew it?
You ruined my life.
255
00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:23,792
You took away everything
I'd been working toward
256
00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:25,054
and threw it in the garbage.
257
00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:26,969
Yeah, and then I went
to jail, dude.
258
00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:28,101
So did I!
259
00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:29,624
Five years for aiding
and abetting.
260
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:31,843
And now, thanks to you,
I'm a convicted felon
261
00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:33,715
and I'll never work
in the military again.
262
00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:35,935
No.
For sure, you won't.
263
00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:38,589
And I apologize
with my whole heart,
264
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:39,851
base to tip,
265
00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:42,593
so you have to forgive me.
266
00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:46,554
No, MacGruber.
I will never ever forgive you.
267
00:15:49,252 --> 00:15:52,125
Never ever say never ever.
268
00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:56,607
Remember I said
that to you once?
269
00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:59,610
And you said it back to me
a couple days later?
270
00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:04,050
Come here.
271
00:16:04,093 --> 00:16:06,008
Fuck you, MacGruber.
272
00:16:25,332 --> 00:16:30,685
♪ Al Green took you
to the river ♪
273
00:16:30,728 --> 00:16:34,471
♪ Berlin took
your breath away ♪
274
00:16:35,864 --> 00:16:39,302
♪ The Eagles took it
to the limit ♪
275
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:41,696
♪ Janis Joplin
276
00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:47,441
♪ Took another little piece
of your heart ♪
277
00:16:47,484 --> 00:16:51,401
♪ But I
278
00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:53,273
♪ Don't wanna take
279
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:56,058
♪ I wanna give
and I wanna live ♪
280
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:58,713
♪ And I forgive
your primitive ♪
281
00:16:58,756 --> 00:17:00,845
♪ And pre-emptive attempt
to shake ♪
282
00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:02,586
♪ And bake the rake
283
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:03,718
♪ That held my guard
and take ♪
284
00:17:03,761 --> 00:17:05,546
- Vicki.
- ♪ Your heart
285
00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:08,027
♪ But you left me like a mess
286
00:17:08,070 --> 00:17:10,594
♪ Oh, I confess,
I failed the test ♪
287
00:17:10,638 --> 00:17:13,075
♪ To bless my quest
to be the best ♪
288
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,860
♪ To win your heart
which was a part ♪
289
00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:18,863
♪ Of the start of my art
which turned me upside down ♪
290
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:21,344
♪ A frowning clown
all around the town ♪
291
00:17:21,388 --> 00:17:24,478
♪ Who wore a crown
and made the sound of ♪
292
00:17:24,521 --> 00:17:26,480
- What the fuck is this?
- Shh.
293
00:17:26,523 --> 00:17:29,874
♪ The bubbles small and tall
and heeded the call ♪
294
00:17:29,918 --> 00:17:32,051
♪ And went to the mall
with Lauren Bacall ♪
295
00:17:32,094 --> 00:17:34,879
♪ And the late Lou Rawls
and a Cabbage Patch doll ♪
296
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:37,012
♪ And then in the bar,
in the car ♪
297
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,840
♪ With a star ate a Larabar
298
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:40,189
♪ With a pirate, arr
299
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:42,800
♪ And I met a robot
whose name was Bobot ♪
300
00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:45,542
♪ And we shared a loquat
on a tropical donut ♪
301
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:47,936
♪ I love to shove
above the dove ♪
302
00:17:47,979 --> 00:17:50,330
♪ Wearing oven gloves
with Hilary Duff ♪
303
00:17:50,373 --> 00:17:53,420
♪ But then Jimmy Buffett
took the tuffet ♪
304
00:17:53,463 --> 00:17:54,725
♪ From Little Miss Muffet
305
00:17:54,769 --> 00:17:56,118
♪ And he told her
to stuff it ♪
306
00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:58,468
♪ Oh, what a good time
with a friend of mine ♪
307
00:17:58,512 --> 00:18:01,341
♪ And we started to rhyme
and it flowed like wine ♪
308
00:18:01,384 --> 00:18:02,907
♪ And it went like this
309
00:18:02,951 --> 00:18:05,084
♪ Back hair, fair, tear,
share, Nair, hair ♪
310
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:06,998
♪ Stare, lair,
dare, pear, mare ♪
311
00:18:07,042 --> 00:18:09,827
♪ Mohair, kiss, piss,
tis, list, wiz, this ♪
312
00:18:09,871 --> 00:18:12,134
♪ Shiz, Liz, yes, yes,
this, biss, liss ♪
313
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:15,485
♪ Doesn't have to exist
if you say it with zest ♪
314
00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:17,922
♪ There's no rhyme or reason
315
00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:20,751
♪ 'Cause you don't need
a reason ♪
316
00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:23,928
♪ To run all the time
317
00:18:23,972 --> 00:18:27,628
♪ Lime, slime, by mine
318
00:18:27,671 --> 00:18:30,370
♪ I love you, friend
319
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,763
♪ I love you, lover
320
00:18:32,807 --> 00:18:38,769
♪ I love
321
00:18:38,813 --> 00:18:41,207
♪ Love
322
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:44,079
Thank you.
323
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,907
That's too much.
Thank you.
324
00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:47,169
Fuckin' good.
325
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:49,258
I'd listen to that
on the radio.
326
00:18:49,302 --> 00:18:51,739
Okay, give it up for
327
00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:54,437
Victoria St. Elmo Fasoose.
328
00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:00,791
- You liked it?
- Outstanding.
329
00:19:00,835 --> 00:19:02,141
Oh, my gosh!
Are you sure?
330
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:03,925
- Outstanding.
- Oh, I was so nervous.
331
00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:05,579
It wasn't too short?
No.
332
00:19:05,622 --> 00:19:06,797
Oh, my gosh,
I was so nervous.
333
00:19:06,841 --> 00:19:09,844
You were great.
334
00:19:22,465 --> 00:19:25,164
Oh, oh, yes.
335
00:19:25,207 --> 00:19:27,166
Oh, right there.
Oh, that's amazing.
336
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:29,124
Oh, my king!
So close, so close.
337
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,821
So close.
Oh, you are my king!
338
00:19:30,865 --> 00:19:34,521
So close, so close.
Close, close, oh. Oh.
339
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:44,400
Oh, you're my king.
Oh.
340
00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:53,496
Bravo.
341
00:19:53,540 --> 00:19:55,803
MacGruber?
342
00:19:55,846 --> 00:19:58,893
Oh. Oh!
343
00:19:58,936 --> 00:20:02,331
Hope I wasn't
disturbing anything.
344
00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:03,854
God damn it.
345
00:20:03,898 --> 00:20:05,856
Where the hell
have you been, MacGruber?
346
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:07,423
Half of D.C.
is looking for you right now.
347
00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:10,600
Relax, I'm gonna do
your stupid ass mission.
348
00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:12,689
Maybe you've forgotten
how things work.
349
00:20:12,733 --> 00:20:15,736
Remember protocol?
Chain of command?
350
00:20:15,779 --> 00:20:19,305
God damn it, we expected you
at Langley this afternoon!
351
00:20:19,348 --> 00:20:21,655
And I expected me
to be married forever.
352
00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:24,440
But my first wife got blown up
at the goddamn altar
353
00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:26,703
and my second wife
left me to rot in prison
354
00:20:26,747 --> 00:20:28,314
and is currently fucking
some shit-dick
355
00:20:28,357 --> 00:20:30,707
who can barely get her off
in the sack three times.
356
00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:32,622
So, sorry to break it
to you, General,
357
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:36,365
but things don't always go
as planned, do they?
358
00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:38,715
Do they?
359
00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:44,765
It must've been hard to see.
360
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:46,332
And hear
361
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:48,334
and smell.
362
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:52,076
Look, Mac, you were given
a life sentence.
363
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,730
Victoria had to move on.
364
00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:59,388
Maybe I shouldn't have come.
365
00:20:59,432 --> 00:21:00,955
Where the hell you think
you're going?
366
00:21:00,998 --> 00:21:02,348
Don't worry.
I'll be there.
367
00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:04,219
Mac, my ass
is on the line here--
368
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,961
And my life is on the line!
369
00:21:07,004 --> 00:21:09,920
I'll be there.
370
00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:18,277
And, look,
371
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,932
I don't mind that you put
your penis in Vicki's vagina,
372
00:21:21,976 --> 00:21:26,720
but put it in her heart too.
373
00:21:26,763 --> 00:21:28,330
You got it, Mac.
374
00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:39,472
So this is it?
375
00:21:42,170 --> 00:21:43,737
Barrett told you.
376
00:21:43,780 --> 00:21:45,260
Enough to know
that this might be
377
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,175
my last chance to say goodbye.
378
00:21:47,218 --> 00:21:50,221
Well, my country
has invited me to die for it,
379
00:21:50,265 --> 00:21:52,963
and I RSVP'd, "Yas queen."
380
00:21:53,007 --> 00:21:54,356
Uncle Sam told you to jump
381
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,619
and you go get
your jumping shoes.
382
00:21:56,663 --> 00:21:59,274
Classic MacGruber.
383
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,841
You don't have to do this.
384
00:22:00,884 --> 00:22:03,365
And what else do I have
to live for, huh?
385
00:22:03,409 --> 00:22:05,802
A fucking concrete cell?
386
00:22:08,283 --> 00:22:11,460
Anyway, I just wanted
to see you one last time
387
00:22:11,504 --> 00:22:14,637
before I, uh, went away.
388
00:22:16,726 --> 00:22:20,208
Look, Vic...
389
00:22:20,251 --> 00:22:22,123
I made some mistakes.
390
00:22:22,166 --> 00:22:23,254
Are you referring to when
you blamed me
391
00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:24,517
for Cunth's death
at your trial?
392
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:25,866
- Yes.
- And you tried to persuade
393
00:22:25,909 --> 00:22:27,171
the jury
that it was premeditated
394
00:22:27,215 --> 00:22:28,477
and I planned
the whole thing?
395
00:22:28,521 --> 00:22:30,044
- Uh, uh, yes.
- And then when you
396
00:22:30,087 --> 00:22:31,567
pushed for
the death penalty for me?
397
00:22:31,611 --> 00:22:33,613
Look, we're getting
in the weeds here.
398
00:22:33,656 --> 00:22:36,311
I'm not proud of what I did.
399
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,226
But if it's any consolation,
400
00:22:38,269 --> 00:22:42,273
I thought about you every
single second I was in jail.
401
00:22:42,317 --> 00:22:45,973
And I understand why you never
came to visit or called.
402
00:22:46,016 --> 00:22:48,932
And I truly accept
your apology.
403
00:22:48,976 --> 00:22:52,371
- I didn't apologize.
- Thanks.
404
00:22:52,414 --> 00:22:56,679
And, look, Barrett,
he's a good man.
405
00:22:56,723 --> 00:22:58,377
And just know, I don't mind
406
00:22:58,420 --> 00:23:01,597
that he puts his penis
in your vagina.
407
00:23:01,641 --> 00:23:05,645
But I hope that he puts it
in your heart too.
408
00:23:05,688 --> 00:23:08,387
I just told him that but I
wanted you to hear it as well.
409
00:23:10,606 --> 00:23:13,043
Good tidings, Vicki.
410
00:23:13,087 --> 00:23:15,045
And I mean that.
411
00:23:15,089 --> 00:23:17,396
The very best of tidings
to you.
412
00:23:42,029 --> 00:23:46,555
♪ Time, it needs time
413
00:23:46,599 --> 00:23:50,429
♪ To win back
your love again ♪
414
00:23:50,472 --> 00:23:53,344
♪ I will be there
415
00:23:55,303 --> 00:23:58,437
♪ I will be there
416
00:24:01,265 --> 00:24:05,661
♪ Love, only love
417
00:24:05,705 --> 00:24:09,665
♪ Can bring
back your love someday ♪
418
00:24:09,709 --> 00:24:12,712
♪ I will be there
419
00:24:14,365 --> 00:24:17,325
♪ I will be there
420
00:24:23,026 --> 00:24:24,375
Everyone, listen up.
421
00:24:24,419 --> 00:24:26,465
This is our red zone.
422
00:24:26,508 --> 00:24:30,120
A hundred square miles of open
desert with zero ground cover.
423
00:24:30,164 --> 00:24:32,471
The enemy will allow
one vehicle only
424
00:24:32,514 --> 00:24:34,603
into our red zone, but we will
have eyes in the sky.
425
00:24:34,647 --> 00:24:36,475
That means,
triggers off fingers
426
00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:38,041
unless ordered otherwise.
427
00:24:38,085 --> 00:24:41,001
We need to be on our toes,
people,
428
00:24:41,044 --> 00:24:43,743
'cause these are
some bad-ass hombres
429
00:24:43,786 --> 00:24:46,354
and they have come to play.
430
00:24:46,397 --> 00:24:50,532
Why don't you just let them
finger your butt hole, General?
431
00:24:50,576 --> 00:24:51,794
MacGruber.
432
00:24:51,838 --> 00:24:53,448
Nice of you to show up.
433
00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:55,450
You remember your butt hole,
don't you?
434
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:57,844
It's right around the corner
from the balls and penis
435
00:24:57,887 --> 00:25:00,063
that were pumping
my wife last night.
436
00:25:00,107 --> 00:25:02,979
Mac, this isn't the time
or the place.
437
00:25:03,023 --> 00:25:05,199
You listen here, General.
438
00:25:07,549 --> 00:25:09,508
I'm kidding, bud.
439
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:12,772
'Sup, gang?
440
00:25:12,815 --> 00:25:14,600
MacGruber here.
441
00:25:14,643 --> 00:25:17,777
The general's in a committed
relationship with my ex-wife
442
00:25:17,820 --> 00:25:20,649
and last night,
I gave them my consent.
443
00:25:20,693 --> 00:25:22,216
And I meant that, Barrett.
444
00:25:22,259 --> 00:25:23,913
Look, I'm sorry
for interrupting.
445
00:25:23,957 --> 00:25:25,306
I believe you're at the part
446
00:25:25,349 --> 00:25:27,047
where you were just about
to explain
447
00:25:27,090 --> 00:25:29,658
why you don't just let them
finger your butt hole.
448
00:25:29,702 --> 00:25:31,312
Kidding. Continue.
449
00:25:31,355 --> 00:25:32,661
Thank you.
450
00:25:32,705 --> 00:25:33,836
The attack on POTUS
451
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:35,316
was a highly
coordinated strike,
452
00:25:35,359 --> 00:25:38,188
using advanced TTP
and E&E capabilities.
453
00:25:38,232 --> 00:25:41,191
So it's likely that our enemy
is ex-military.
454
00:25:41,235 --> 00:25:43,454
Now, the exchange is set
for oh eight hundred.
455
00:25:43,498 --> 00:25:46,588
That's, uh, 8 a.m. o'clock.
Eight o'clock a.m.
456
00:25:46,632 --> 00:25:49,025
- That's correct.
- Ante meridiem.
457
00:25:49,069 --> 00:25:52,028
That's, uh, what a.m.
stands for.
458
00:25:52,072 --> 00:25:53,943
- Right.
- I'd always wondered
459
00:25:53,987 --> 00:25:55,075
what it stood for,
and so that's it.
460
00:25:55,118 --> 00:25:56,685
You know, I looked it up.
461
00:25:56,729 --> 00:25:58,557
Yeah.
462
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:00,167
Continue.
463
00:26:00,210 --> 00:26:02,473
E7 Davidson will lead
Fire Team Bravo
464
00:26:02,517 --> 00:26:05,433
to the red zone where
the packages will be exchanged.
465
00:26:05,476 --> 00:26:06,956
Make no mistake, people,
this will be
466
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,306
the most important
rescue mission of your lives.
467
00:26:09,350 --> 00:26:11,613
And I wanna thank Mac
for his sacrifice.
468
00:26:11,657 --> 00:26:13,484
I know it wasn't
an easy decision.
469
00:26:13,528 --> 00:26:14,921
You mean the decision
470
00:26:14,964 --> 00:26:17,793
to get killed by terrorists
and be dead forever?
471
00:26:17,837 --> 00:26:20,622
- Yes.
- Well, you know--
472
00:26:20,666 --> 00:26:23,582
Ain't nothing but a MacG thing.
473
00:26:23,625 --> 00:26:26,410
But that's the life we chose.
474
00:26:26,454 --> 00:26:28,630
Death is our job.
475
00:26:28,674 --> 00:26:31,938
And I know that every man
or woman in this god damn room
476
00:26:31,981 --> 00:26:33,983
would make the same
god damn decision
477
00:26:34,027 --> 00:26:38,509
that I made 11 times
out of god damn 10.
478
00:26:38,553 --> 00:26:41,208
And yeah, it's brave,
and it's commendable,
479
00:26:41,251 --> 00:26:43,253
and it's patriotic as shit,
480
00:26:43,297 --> 00:26:46,213
but it's also contagious
like the clap.
481
00:26:46,256 --> 00:26:49,738
Because bravery begets bravery.
482
00:26:49,782 --> 00:26:52,132
And yeah, this time, it's me.
483
00:26:52,175 --> 00:26:56,702
But next time, it might be you.
484
00:26:56,745 --> 00:26:58,704
Or you.
485
00:26:58,747 --> 00:27:05,188
Or you. Or you. Or you.
Or you. Or you. Or you.
486
00:27:05,232 --> 00:27:07,974
Or you. You get the point.
487
00:27:08,017 --> 00:27:11,934
Or you. Or you.
488
00:27:11,978 --> 00:27:15,546
Or you. Or you. Or you. Or you.
489
00:27:15,590 --> 00:27:16,722
You see what I'm saying?
490
00:27:16,765 --> 00:27:18,680
Could be anyone of us.
491
00:27:18,724 --> 00:27:19,768
It could be you in the back.
492
00:27:19,812 --> 00:27:21,465
I haven't even looked
in the back.
493
00:27:21,509 --> 00:27:22,945
Could be you in the suit.
494
00:27:22,989 --> 00:27:24,947
You with the thinning hair.
495
00:27:24,991 --> 00:27:26,209
Double chin.
496
00:27:26,253 --> 00:27:27,471
Looking at frumpy dump
right there.
497
00:27:27,515 --> 00:27:28,647
It could be you.
498
00:27:28,690 --> 00:27:30,387
It could be anybody.
499
00:27:32,738 --> 00:27:37,830
But this time, it's me.
500
00:27:37,873 --> 00:27:40,049
This guy.
501
00:27:41,834 --> 00:27:45,794
Please tell people I did this.
502
00:28:04,726 --> 00:28:06,510
Thank you.
503
00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:35,235
Entering red zone.
504
00:28:35,278 --> 00:28:37,716
Bravo Team,
you're on your own.
505
00:28:52,121 --> 00:28:53,732
Fire Team Bravo in position.
506
00:28:53,775 --> 00:28:55,037
Copy that, Bravo Team.
507
00:28:55,081 --> 00:28:57,039
Set the asset
and hold tight for package.
508
00:29:08,007 --> 00:29:10,096
Death, be not proud,
509
00:29:10,139 --> 00:29:12,489
though some have called thee.
510
00:29:12,533 --> 00:29:14,665
Mighty and dreadful,
511
00:29:14,709 --> 00:29:17,843
but thou art not so.
512
00:29:17,886 --> 00:29:22,195
For those who--thou--
513
00:29:22,238 --> 00:29:28,157
uh, who, thou, dost, uh
514
00:29:28,201 --> 00:29:33,032
for--for those doust--
515
00:29:33,075 --> 00:29:35,164
Fuck.
516
00:29:35,208 --> 00:29:40,082
John Donne. John Donne.
517
00:29:40,126 --> 00:29:41,170
It's been an honor--
518
00:29:41,214 --> 00:29:42,606
Eyes on target.
519
00:29:44,783 --> 00:29:47,046
Vehicle approaching from
the southwest.
520
00:30:03,236 --> 00:30:05,716
Who are you,
you son of a bitch?
521
00:30:07,849 --> 00:30:14,769
Walk.
522
00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:16,075
Stop.
523
00:30:21,428 --> 00:30:23,952
Take off your clothes.
524
00:30:23,996 --> 00:30:25,693
Pardon?
525
00:30:25,736 --> 00:30:30,263
Take off your clothes.
526
00:30:30,306 --> 00:30:34,963
But, uh--can we talk
about this for a moment?
527
00:30:35,007 --> 00:30:36,965
Do it or the hostage dies.
528
00:31:03,078 --> 00:31:04,166
Underwear, too.
529
00:31:09,171 --> 00:31:11,347
Underwear, too.
530
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:28,930
Hands on your head.
531
00:31:28,974 --> 00:31:31,977
Oh, come on. Ha, ha, ha.
532
00:31:32,020 --> 00:31:33,979
Five, four...
533
00:31:34,022 --> 00:31:35,850
Three, two...
534
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:36,895
But I--
535
00:31:36,938 --> 00:31:38,287
Fine, fine!
536
00:31:38,331 --> 00:31:40,202
Fuckin' perv!
537
00:31:51,866 --> 00:31:53,259
Turn around.
538
00:32:03,791 --> 00:32:06,968
What? It's super fucking cold
out here!
539
00:32:07,012 --> 00:32:08,317
Friggin' desert.
540
00:32:25,117 --> 00:32:27,075
What the fuck?
541
00:32:27,119 --> 00:32:29,991
You guys traded me
for a fucking dog?
542
00:32:30,035 --> 00:32:32,254
Oh, you son of a bitch,
Fasoose!
543
00:32:32,298 --> 00:32:34,430
You fuckin' piece of shit!
544
00:32:34,474 --> 00:32:37,303
Oh, and the president's
a piece of shit, too.
545
00:32:37,346 --> 00:32:39,870
Fuck him and his stupid wife
546
00:32:39,914 --> 00:32:44,005
and your stupid piece
of shit daughter.
547
00:32:44,049 --> 00:32:45,615
Oh, oh, Jesus. It was a--
548
00:32:45,659 --> 00:32:47,139
Okay, it was the daughter too.
549
00:32:47,182 --> 00:32:49,097
Sorry about my language.
550
00:32:49,141 --> 00:32:50,359
Target acquired.
551
00:32:56,322 --> 00:32:57,801
We got her, Mr. President.
552
00:32:57,845 --> 00:33:00,456
General, thank you.
553
00:33:00,500 --> 00:33:02,937
Why don't you stay
for a little bit?
554
00:33:15,036 --> 00:33:17,604
Okay, light him up.
555
00:33:17,647 --> 00:33:19,388
But, sir,
what about MacGruber?
556
00:33:19,432 --> 00:33:21,260
I'm not gonna let
America's finest soldier
557
00:33:21,303 --> 00:33:24,654
give up his god damn life to
a group of god damn terrorists,
558
00:33:24,698 --> 00:33:28,832
so take the shot.
559
00:33:28,876 --> 00:33:31,313
Is that clear, Major?
560
00:33:31,357 --> 00:33:33,011
Yes, sir.
561
00:33:36,057 --> 00:33:39,539
Eagle One, engage target.
562
00:33:39,582 --> 00:33:41,367
Roger that.
563
00:33:41,410 --> 00:33:43,499
Command, command--
564
00:33:43,543 --> 00:33:45,501
Something's wrong
with the controls. We can't--
565
00:33:45,545 --> 00:33:47,590
God damn it, take the shot.
566
00:33:47,634 --> 00:33:49,070
We can't, sir. They're
interfering with the signal.
567
00:33:49,114 --> 00:33:51,072
We lost visual.
568
00:33:51,116 --> 00:33:52,334
Damn it.
569
00:34:09,917 --> 00:34:11,875
No.
570
00:34:11,919 --> 00:34:14,139
No, it's not possible.
571
00:34:16,967 --> 00:34:18,230
Queeth?
572
00:34:18,273 --> 00:34:20,754
Hello, MacGruber.
37864
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof