All language subtitles for Here.We.Go.S03E06.Dads.Red.Cap.1080p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-TBN_track3_[eng]

Why are you taking a can opener?

You're supposed to roll stuff.

I'll just climb on top of it.
Be careful!

Robin! Robin! Oh, God, God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, Robin!

Someone get him out, please.

Rachel, help me! Well, help you how?

Lower me into the pool! What?

Just get in at the shallow end.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a better idea.
Yeah.

And ask your father about
the Maltese health care system.

Yeah. Why would that help?
Well, just in case we have to pay.

We're still taking him to hospital,
you stingy git.

It's just going to voicemail.
Do something, Sam!

I am doing something, I'm filming.

No, do something helpful,
get Robin some ice.

Or get me some wine. Robin?
Ugh...

Oh, good, he's groaning.
He's groaning.

Robin, mate, are you OK? I fell in
the pool. I know you did, buddy.

Aw, Robin. Aw.

OK, realise this is going to make me
sound quite selfish,

but I'm off out.
Oh, very helpful. Thank you, Amy.

And medical treatment is free
for UK tourists here, by the way.

Thank you. Can someone call
an ambulance, please?

Oh, NOW we're calling an ambulance.

Yeah. And, Rachel, I need a hoist.
What?

Can you find a rope or some strong
string to get him out of here?

What are you talking...?
What is your plan?

Just take him to the shallow end,
where there are steps. Right.

Wow. OK, well, help me lift him,
then.

Well, I can't, I'm phoning for
an ambulance. Exactly.

Sam, please, can you put the camera
down

and help your dad? Do something.

Really? Get in the pool, Sam!

All right, fine. Now!
Ugh, honestly, this holiday.

Look at it.
Wow. It's lovely. Yeah.

Can you not put a hanky
at the back of your hat, please?

You look like such a tourist.
It's a bad look!

Yeah, you look rubbish. All right.

My skin is highly flammable.

Flammable? Burnable.

I burn like billyo
if I'm not careful.

So, you know, if we see anyone
selling a sombrero or something.

Oh, no, please do not wear a
sombrero. You're not on a stag.

Or Mexican, crucially.

Ooh, guys! Malta's
got two Caravaggios.

Ah, wicked. We ate at the one
in Cambridge, didn't we, babe?

Well, that was Carluccio's.
What's this one?

Caravaggio. Yeah, he's an artist,
not a restaurant.

Oh, yeah. The cathedral has his
The Beheading Of Saint John,

if you want to see that!
No, I don't want to see that,

why would I want to see that?
Sounds like an Isis video.

OK, well, we should definitely check
out the hypogeum, guys.

That looks slay.

What? What is that?
It's a Neolithic burial chamber.

I mean, what are you talking about,
man? A chamber?

Some kids
went missing there in the 1940s.

We have very different ideas
about how to do holidays, Paul.

Yeah, we are not going to complete
the guidebook, OK?

The only old thing we're
here to see is my dad.

All right, I just thought we could
explore the history a bit.

No, thanks! I just want to veg by
the pool and empty my head.

Shouldn't be too difficult.
Yeah! Exactly, me too.

Yeah, well deserved. Amy. Take a
well-earned break from

the busy schedule
of not doing anything!

Well, I hope Dad
hasn't planned anything.

Well, of course he won't have,
Robin.

I mean, since when did he ever plan
anything or think of others?

Oh, my God, where is this road?
What's it called?

OK, so, everybody, please look
for Triq Ix-Xemxija.

It's "Ish-Shemshiya." Yeah.

Soft X, like how Sean Connery would
say it. OK, that hasn't helped.

It should be here.

Ugh.

Maybe it's down there?
Oh, well done, Sam.

Well, we can all say,
"maybe it's down there."

Maybe it's down there! All right,
Mum, don't take it out on Sam.

Oh, God! Sorry. Sorry, Sam.

We'll try this way,
shall we, babe?

Yes, you try that way. OK.

Everything all right?
I think it's... Yeah, sorry.

I'm just, uh,
stressed about seeing my dad.

Why are YOU stressed?
I'm the one he's mean to.

He's not mean, he just winds you up.
The last time we saw him, Amy,

he called me a wally. Yeah.

I'm going to talk to him.
I've decided.

Well, we're staying with him,
of course you're going to.

No, I mean about my childhood,
about him being a bad dad.

Oh, right. Yeah. Mmm.

Are you sure? My tutor thinks I'm
carrying some baggage.

Well, yeah!

Some metaphorical baggage,
which I need to deal with

before becoming a counsellor.
I mean, he wasn't a bad dad, was he?

I mean, you turned out all right.
Well, he once forgot to pick up

Robin from a football tournament
for five hours. To you, though.

Yeah, and he once sold Robin's
bike without telling him

because he needed some money.
To you, though, Mum.

And he was also not great to me.
Not great in what way?

Well...

..I can't think of any specific
examples but... Right.

Rach!
Yes?

Ish-Shamshishmish, down here.
Bingo! Yeah!

Well done, Robin. I thank you.
Great.

It's big, innit? It's huge.
Really lovely. I'll, ah...

KNOCKING

How can he afford this?
Wowee! I know.

David Wowee.

Isn't it? No?

KNOCKING

Let us in! Ha-ha.

Dad!
Where is he?

Dad?

Bang harder.

Open up!
THEY LAUGH

It's the police!
Oh, my God, get over it.

Is he...? Nothing? Dad?!
Where is he?

Well, have we got the right place?
He might be round the back.

I hope so, I don't know. Oh.

Blinds are down.

I'll give him a call. Any lights on?
Hang on, he's texted.

Oh, yeah? "What time do you get in,
I'll be back at three."

What time is it now? 9:30.
That's, like, ten hours! All right.

What are we going to do for all that
time? There's lots to see.

Typical. This is absolutely
bloody typical.

I told him. I told him we arrived
this morning, so...

Bwah-ha-ha! Argh!
LAUGHTER

Oh, Dad, that is classic! Gotcha!

I'm just teasing. Malteasing.

Welcome to Malta.

Oh, that is brilliant, that is!
Yeah, jokes. Great jokes. Is it?

It's just lying.
Oh, look at... Look at your face!

Look. You thought I'd forgotten,
didn't you, Rachel?

No, I didn't, actually, I didn't.
Nice to see you.

Hi, Grandad. Oh, my God,
Amy, look at you.

You're an absolute sexpot.
She's your granddaughter.

You working are you?
Or studying or...? No.

And also no.

Just no. Nothing.
Just like me, then?

Yeah. Oh, and there's
the lovely Cherry.

Oh-ho-ho! Looking stunning as ever.

Oh, stop it, you dirty old man!

THEY CACKLE

Yeah. And Porky, Porky the Pig,
there he is. What?

Yeah, the policeman. Oh!

Very glad I left England if this is
the sort of dross

they're taking on the force.
Very good, very good.

ROBIN LAUGHS AND OINKS

So, where's that
gorgeous mother of yours?

Oh, well, yeah, sorry, Michael,
she decided to stay at home

and rewatch
all 70 episodes of Poirot.

Oh. That's if she can figure out how
to turn the telly on without us!

Fair do's, fair do's.
Calm down.

Right, well, where's the boy,
then, Robin?

He's sleeping at the moment.
That's the way I like 'em!

Now, that's called a baby, Dad.

You might remember Mum
mentioning them.

I did my fair share, Rachel,
thank you. I looked after you,

looked after both of you.
At times.

I don't remember that. No.

Oh! Yeah. Look at him! I know.

My first grandson. Yeah.
Um...

And there's also Sam. Yeah.
Oh, well, after Sam, yeah.

You all right, mate?
Yeah. Hi, Grandad.

You sort of forget he's there
sometimes, don't you? Yeah.

You do, yeah.
I mean, I don't, but...

So how come you
moved here, Dad?

I thought you liked it in France.
Yeah, we did, yeah, but...

Well, France was just
a bit too French, you know,

after a while, with the language
and everything.

So they spoke French. That was your
problem with France, was it?

Yeah, but everyone speaks
English here. It's fantastic.

And the tax arrangements are fit as.

Aha. Right, come on through.

Anyone want a Maltese lager?
Er, or a coffee, as it's 9:30.

I want to see the pool.
Ah, yeah. Now...about that.

Ah. OK. I mean... Mm.

Because you said you had a pool.

I have, I've got an infinity pool.
You're looking at it.

With water in, though.
Water, I don't have, currently.

It's not really a pool, then, is it?
It's just a hole.

An infinity hole. Ha-ha!

Can we not fill it up?
No, it leaks. It's a leaker.

OK. Well, this is fine.
Uh, is it?

Yeah, we can still, you know,
sit around it.

Well, I wasn't going to swim anyway.
Well, there you go, perfect.

Perfect? I don't think three days
sat by an empty pool is perfect.

We're not just going to
stay here, mate.

You know, there's plenty to do.

BABY FUSSES

Oh, God. That is all I need.

Where's a good place to feed
the baby, Michael?

In the mouth, traditionally.
MICHAEL AND ROBIN LAUGH

No, anywhere you like, my love.

All right, thanks.
In the mouth! I love that.

I meant to ask about the
attractions, actually, Michael.

Yeah? What are the best Neolithic
temples to see, do you think?

Are there temples, are there?
Are there temples?!

Yeah, there are temples.
They're older than Stonehenge!

No?! You're joking?
Yeah, there's at least 19 of them.

Oh, my God, 19? Yeah, the remnants
of an ancient civilisation,

some say. Ah? It's...

Oh, you're taking the piss, aren't
you? I am, yeah.

LAUGHTER

You can see 'em on your tod,
I think, Porky.

Splash on the old Dulux and
waddle down there.

Do you want a coffee, Rach?
Just ignore him.

Yeah, I will. Yeah, yeah.
Here you are. Oh, wow, OK.

Bought that for yourself, did you,
Dad? Ah, no, I think Robin

got that for me. Surely not.
Could be, yeah, back in the day.

Or maybe it was one of my other kids
you two don't know about.

Is that a joke?
I mean, I don't know.

So what other stuff is there to do
then, Grandad, in Malta?

Oh, well, now, hey-hey.

Hmm, for one thing, yeah. Drinking.

And there's a fantastic
ice cream place,

and there's a restaurant
that does swordfish.

OK. Because I would like to go
for a walk at some point.

Oh, yeah. There are walks, yeah.
And bike rides...

With you, I mean. ..diving, and the
aquarium ain't too shabby, actually.

OK.
Diving? As in scuba diving?

Yeah. Oh, I've always wanted
to do that!

Hell, yes, that would be awesome.
To talk...

Well, I'll give 'em a call.
You know, dive, dive, dive!

Yes! Woohoo!

OK, I'll try later. Parp!

Oh, there's a frog in the pool.

Wow.

You don't need that much, surely?
I need to cover everything, Cherry.

Weather like this, I just... I
honestly wish I could just wear...

..a burqa. What? Yeah, YOU can't do
that. Yeah, I know I can't!

Is my nape covered, Rach?

Can you cream up my nape?
It's my Achilles heel.

Just put the peak at the back
and then do your face.

Oh, yeah. Good thinking.

You're not diving then, Sam?

Nah, I'll probably just go
to the aquarium.

Same thing, innit? But...drier.

Well, I am going to stroll
to the hypogeum/Tarxien temple,

if anyone wants in?
Should be fascinating.

No, thanks.
Is it just a load of old rocks?

Yeah, well, you could say that about

any Neolithic temple complex,
Cherry. You know,

the rocks are arranged
into chambers.

Oh, my God, can you stop
banging on about chambers, mate?

No-one wants to go into a chamber.
PHONE BUZZES

Hang on.

Hello, Mum?

Yes, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?

Yeah...
Well, which remote control, Mum?

They're all black, Mum.

They all have numbers, Mum.

OK. Amy and Robin? Yo!

Oh, someone's up for it. I am, yeah.

My name's Ruby,
I'll be your pilot this afternoon.

Do you want your briefing
in English or Maltese?

English, please. I'm just kidding.

I've been here six years, I know
literally one word of Maltese.

How are you doing with your kit?
It's very tight.

Oh, yeah - and please,
please don't wee into the wet suits

when we're in the pool.
Or, obviously, at any other time.

Ah. What do you mean, ah?
Have you done it already?

Can you tell by looking? No.
No, then I haven't, then.

But I did have a question, though.
Do we get a harpoon?

No, you don't get a harpoon.

OK, follow-up question -
are there sharks?

Not in the pool, no.

What do you mean, pool?
Why do you keep...?

We want to dive in the sea.
Yeah, sorry, newbies have to

do an intro dive in the pool. Oh.
Oh, what, really?

That little pecker?
Diving in a pool?

That's like skydiving off a ladder,
it's a waste of money.

I mean, that is just so shit.
That's rubbish.

No, it's not shit,
it's actually very fun.

Oh, come off it, mate.
It's as boring as a book!

Can we not dive in the sea?
Come on, please.

It's an insurance thing,
I can't really...

They've done it before,
diving. Yeah, they're not newbies.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They dived, uh,

on our last family holiday in,
um, in Nepal. Yep.

Landlocked Nepal?
Oh, no, not Nepal, no.

The other one. Um, what was it...?

Um... China...?
Yeah, Thailand, that's it?

Thailand.
Yeah, they know what they're doing.

OK. Well, if you want to sign
a waiver and just, like,

go for it, I'd be happy to do that.

I mean, the pool is extremely
boring.

OK, great. Yeah, they'll do that,
won't you? Great.

Yes. Nice one, Dad.
Yeah, sorry, I'm not sure

you should lie about having
dived before, guys.

Yeah, but they've got
to go in the sea, though,

that's the whole point.
Exactly. Yeah, obviously.

You give the fun police
an inch and they make you do

a risk assessment
before wiping your arse. Oh-ho-ho!

OK, all right. Well, I'm off to see
the temples if anyone wants to join?

No.Still no.
Or cares? No. See you later.

Cool. Bye, Dad.

Um, so, yeah... Um, we'll
go for a walk, then, shall we?

Oh, no, I'm having a massage.

A massage? Yeah.
You're having a massage? Today?

The one weekend when your family is
staying with you,

you're having a massage.
My shoulders are in knots.

Yeah, but I want to talk to you,
Dad. Go on, then.

But...

Ugh, we'll do it tomorrow. OK.

All right, guys, this
just says that you know

what you're doing and that I'm not
liable for any sort of injury,

death or general disappointment.

Yeah. Um, sorry, just by death -
what do you mean by death?

So even though Ruby's earning less
here than she was in Chester,

she's got way more spending money.

She reckons we could go
out all night for, like, £30.

OK. My question was, did you enjoy
the diving, Amy?

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, there were a lot of jellyfish.
Oh, right.

Robin got a bit freaked out.

I did, actually, yeah. One of
them had these massive testicles.

What? Tentacles. Could be. Yeah.

I mean, it's hard to know what's
what with jelly, isn't it?

Should have gone aquarium
with me and Sam. Yeah.

How'd you get on then, Paul?
Have fun at your chamber, did you?

Well, it was a bit of a hefty hike
getting there, yeah.

But, no, the hypogeum was absolutely
scintillating, thanks, Cherry.

Oh? Yeah. Scintillating.

Where's, uh...

Where's Michael?

He had to have a massage,
apparently.

And now he's out buying plums.
Hmm, OK.

Yeah, I think he's just trying
to avoid me. Yeah.

I'm not sure it's worth it, babe.
What isn't?

Talking to him.
Don't think it'll help.

Well, given I've spent the last two
years training to be a counsellor,

clearly I think
the talking to people does help.

Where's the Calpol, Chez?

I've got an absolute splitter.

You are not downing Calpol again,
Robin.

It is for Atlas, not your hangovers.

OK, I'm going to get some
fresh air, then.

I've got a bit of a headache too,
actually.

Must be from absorbing
so much history.

Whoa, Dad, what is that? Eh?

Ah! What are you doing? Ow!

Is it sunburn? What?

Oh, my gosh! Where? When?

AMY LAUGHS,
CHERRY CACKLES

Oh, Dad!
It's a perfect semicircle.

I thought it was all hat.
It's where the hole is.

Oh, Rachel!

Well, don't blame me! Well,
you told me to turn my hat round.

You didn't have to do it! You didn't
even cream up the hat hole! Ugh!

Is he all right?

It's not funny, Amy!

OK. I mean, it is.

It is, actually, yeah.

I look like a sunset.

I should have bought a sombrero.

We'll get a sombrero.

ROBIN YELLS
Oh, my God!

What?

Robin's fallen in the pool.

Classic.
ALL LAUGH

Well, no, there's no water in it.

Oh! Oh!

Robin!
Robin! Robin!

Oh, God, God!

Oh, my God! Robin!

Oh, Robin!

The bends?

You've got the bends?
I have got the bends.

And I've got OK Computer.
I've even got Pablo Honey. Ha!

What? It's a Radiohead joke.
I have got the bends, yeah.

Well, you haven't lost your
sense of humour, I see.

Trust you to get the bends, Robin,
that is so typical of you.

I'm sorry, babe.

MICHAEL CHUCKLES

It's serious, Dad.

No, no, no, I'm still laughing
at Porky's sunburn.

Oh, OK. Thank you, Michael.

It's actually your fault this has
happened, you do realise?

What? I wasn't even there.

You made him skip the safety
dive in the pool.

Well, he's a grown-up,
I didn't make him do anything.

And you were into it, Mum.
I wasn't "into it," Sam,

it's just...
Er, yeah, you were.

Mr Hanky? Yo! Excuse me,
can we talk privately for a moment?

Ooh, hello, Matron! Doctor.

Doctor, I'm so sorry.

PHONE BUZZES
Your grandmother.

Hello, Mum. Yes, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?

Step into my office, Doctor.

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me now?

Have you got Poirot on yet?

AMY GROANS

What is up with you? You ain't got
the bends an' all, have you?

No, just hungover. Ah!

Myrsini kept buying me shots.

Myrsini? Who is this person?

One of Ruby's mates.

Oh, aye? Where'd you go?

Met at Badass Burger, then cocktails
at Bar Q? Yeah.

And ended up in Sky Club. Ooh!
It was wild.

I had no idea there were,
like, young people here.

Oh, yeah, there's a fair
few people your age here that...

You should move over here.
What? What?!

What are you talking about?
Move in with me, I've got room.

I've got plenty of room! Don't be
nuts. Would that be all right?

No. Yeah, of course.
That is complete madness. No.

Sorry, no.
No, Amy, what about Bedford? Uh...

And your band?
Yeah, the band's not going to work.

Well, no, not with half of it based
in Malta, no.

And Carlo reckoned he could get me
a job at, um, Embassy Cinema?

There you go.
No, not "there you go," Dad,

we don't even
know who this Carlo is,

so don't say things like that.
Why not?

Because you can't forget to send her
a birthday card every year

then suggest she moves in with you.
That's what I've done.

And Amy doesn't care about cards,
do you? No. There you go.

You're free to go in now.
Thank you so much.

- Thank you.- ..just pick
an episode and "OK."

OK? Can we discuss this when we're
not in a hospital, please?

Figure it out, Mum! All right.

Well, what'd she say?
What happens now?

OK, so, apparently I'm going to be
moved to the hyperbaric chamber.

What? Isn't that
where you went yesterday?

Oh, no, that's the hypogeum.
It's a Neolithic burial chamber.

Right, OK. And this one's what?

Hyperbaric. A high-pressure oxygen
chamber. Yep.

Right. So, you're spending your
holiday in a chamber now an' all?

Looks like it, yep.
Don't worry, babe,

you don't have to come with me,
it'll be well boring.

Well, of course I'm coming.

I'm not leaving you here while
you're riddled with the bends, am I?

I've got you. Aw.
PHONE BUZZES

Hello, Mama.

You've got... You've got it on.
Great. She's got it on, everyone!

OK, yeah.

Uh, Japanese?

Well, which remote did that?

So what are you going to do with
Atlas if you're both at the chamber?

Oh, God.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

Well, I can take the lad. You?

Are you serious?

Yeah, why not?
I'm good with children. Are you?

What children are you thinking of?

And it would be nice
to spend some time with my grandson.

Your second grandson. There's
also... Sam's also your grandson.

Yeah, I know, never said he wasn't.

We'll go for a walk, shall we,
Atlas? Take you round Valetta?

Yeah, I've been asking to go for a
walk with you

since I got here, so...
So come with us.

For God's sake, Rachel, chill out,
just for once in your life, eh?

Is it dubbed?

Is it DUBBED?

Surely David Suchet
isn't actually speaking Japanese?

What's that fort
over there, Grandad?

Don't know, don't care.

Ask your dad when he gets back
from his temple or wherever he is.

Tunnels. He's gone down some
old Crusader tunnels.

Oh, wow. He knows how to have
a good time, don't he, eh?

At least he won't get burned.

Oh, I'm sure he'll find a way,
the wally.

Please don't call
my husband a wally, Dad.

Well, he called himself a wally

when he burnt that semicircle
into his face.

AMY LAUGHS

Do you know where the cathedral is,
Grandad? With the Caravaggios?

I know there's a good ice cream
place around here somewhere,

that I do know.

But I'm not into that, I'm afraid,
ancient history.

Yeah, so, Dad, there's some things
I want to talk about,

about my... Mine and Robin's
childhood.

Speaking of ancient history.

No, I'm serious, Dad.

Given that I'm training to be
a counsellor, you know,

this is something I want
to talk about.

Yeah, and I want to get
an ice cream,

so how about we do my idea, eh?

Yeah, I'd much prefer to get
an ice cream as well, actually.

Why are you so resistant to this?

Well, it's a generational thing.
People my age, you know,

we're just not into it.
What? Talking?

About the past, yeah.

Do you know what happened to
my dad during the war?

No. Exactly. Neither do I.

He never talked about it,
he never wanted to.

Well, you see, that is...
It's just not healthy.

Well, what would you know, eh?

He lived till he was 78
and he was a bloody good father.

As was I, by the way, as was I.

Are you telling me
or are you telling yourself?

Oh, fashionable, middle-class crap
is what it is.

Talking, talking, talking.
Just get over yourself, yeah?

Ugh.

Oh, hey, Amy!

Oh, thank God.
Hey, that was good timing.

Hey, Amy's family.
Hello again, Ruby.

All right?

So, are you guys still having
a nice holibobs? Sort of.

Mum's trying to work through some
generic childhood trauma

and Robin's now got the bends.

OK. Glad you signed that waiver,
then.

SHE CHUCKLES

Do you fancy joining?

A few of us are going to Badass
Burger for lunch. Yes, please.

Anywhere but here is ideal.

Didn't you go there last night?
I'll see you later, yeah?

Oh, well, OK.

Uh, don't stay out all night, Amy.

And she's not moving here.

Ruby?

Cool!

Oh, Ruby, where's the cathedral
with the Caravaggios?

Thanks.

I might, um...

Oh, OK.

Bit much.

No recording, please.

Thank you.
OK, OK, I'm turning it off.

Oh, come off it.
I mean, what? Disengaged?

What the hell does that mean?
Of course I wasn't disengaged.

You didn't even notice when Robin
was getting bullied at school.

He didn't tell me.
I'm not a mind-reader, Rachel.

It just felt like you weren't
paying attention to us.

Oh, you can bloody talk.
Slagging me off.

You haven't even noticed
how miserable your daughter is.

I... What? No.

Well, she's single again,
she's unemployed,

she's scared shitless
and you don't even see it.

I do, and she's fine. Nah.

So... Hi.

Hi, Sam.

How was it? Yeah. You know, churchy.

Are you guys still talking?
Trying to, but...

Right.

Uh, where's Atlas?

Where's Atlas?

Dad? Um, I thought you had him.
You were pushing the pram.

Yeah, well, he'll be here,
course he will be.

OK. Did you leave it somewhere?
Um, well, I don't know. Oh, God!

Oh, God! It might be back there.
Back where?! WHERE?!

Oh, God! Oh, God! No, it'll be fine,
don't panic, Rachel.

Don't... Oh.

Ah, scuzzi, ah, scu... Scuzzetti...

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me. Out of my way! Scuzzi.

Oh, come on, come on, come on!

Put the ice cream in the bin, Dad!
Yeah.

Keep up, please! God, we've lost a
baby. We've lost a baby!

No, we haven't, we can't have done.
This way, come on.

Sam, call your dad. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, is this it? Is this it?

That's clearly their baby!

Oh, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I knew you'd do something like this.

Well, you were here, too, Rachel!
You were here the whole bloody time.

Should we call the police?
I mean, yes, at some point,

but we just need to find the baby!
Yes, we do, of course we do!

Rach! Rach, it's me! Oh, God!
Are you OK?

No, no! Paul's here.

I'm coming!

Nearly there.

Sam told me. Have you seen him?
Have you found him? No, no...

OK, OK.

We need to retrace our steps, OK?
Where have you been?

We went... We went to get coffee.

And then we went for an ice cream.

No, no, no. I didn't
have the pram at the ice cream.

Well, where did you go for coffee?
Uh, it was a van.

Um, it was... It had a sign on.
Letters, capital letters.

A sign with capital letters on it.
Yeah, that really narrows it down!

Well, you try thinking of something!
Yeah?! I am, I'm trying!

It was sunny
and it was near the sea.

It's a small island, Rachel,
everything's near the sea!

And there was a door!
A doorway behind, made of stone.

It looked...old.

And an eye. What, an eye?

Yeah, there was an eye
above the door.

A stone one, I think.

I mean, now I say that, that doesn't
sound... An eye, what kind of eye?

A sort of human eye. A big one.

Have you ever seen an eye like
that round here?

No, course I haven't!
Hang on, hang on!

What? You all right?

Porta del Soccorso.

What?

The Knights of Malta built an
eye above the Porta del Soccorso

as a sign of vigilance
and protection.

RACHEL BLABBERS
Fort St Elmo. This way! Oh!

I actually wanted to go there
anyway. OK!

Quickly!

Come on, Dad. I am!

Down here, Rach!

Oh, God, are you sure?

Where?

There it is, there it is, the eye!

And the pram!

And the pram, the pram.

Oh, God! I will never complain
about your interest in historical

tourist attractions again.

Ow, my burn, Rachel! Oh, God, sorry!

He's not here.

What?

Joke, I'm joking.

Ugh, really funny.

He's fast asleep.

He won't even have noticed.

Look. Aww! Oh.

Oh, God.

Well done, Paul.
That was, uh, that was...

That was really good.
Oh, thank you, Michael.

Yeah. Police are lucky to have you.

As is, you know, my,
uh...

My daughter.
Well done, son.

So, what is this place, Dad?

What IS it?

It's only the main theatre of combat

for the Great Siege of Malta
in 1565!

Picture the scene, guys -

180 ships,

40,000 Ottoman soldiers,

the greatest army in the world.

OK. I know I wasn't
the greatest father, Rachel.

I know that.

And I guess it's fair to say
that I'm still not, after that.

And I can't change anything now.

But, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

OK.

We're very similar, you and I.

You're my girl.

And, um, if there's
anything you want, then, um...

..I'll do it.

I just want us to communicate
better, Dad, as a family.

You know, be more honest.

OK, deal. Yeah. OK.

We're not going to tell Robin
and Cherry about

losing the baby, though, are we?
God, no. Oh, good.

..from whence they came.

Uh, Sam? Sorry, were you not
even listening to me?

Uh, no. Oh, no. Sorry.

Say it again?

Do it again. Picture the scene...

Stop picking at it. It's itchy!

..we went to Bar Q again,
and then Sky Club again,

where Myrsini bought us
all mai tais. Again. Again, yeah.

I mean, it was honestly
like Groundhog Day, but not funny.

I think that's just life on
a small island. Mm.

And I know things haven't been very
good at home recently

but, you know, I'm here,
if you're ever upset

or worried about anything.

I'm here.

And I love you.

Gross. OK.

But, you know, thanks. Mm.

I'm actually - and I can't believe
I'm saying this -

quite looking forward
to getting back to Bedford.

Hey-hey! He's back.
The bends is on the mend!

Are you feeling better, Robin?
Yeah, yeah.

You know, I'm just sad it's
all over, to be honest.

The oxygen gave me this
mad headrush.

It was like Burning Man
but, you know, in a chamber.

Cool. Wow.
And how's everything here?

Were you, like, all all right with
Atlas?

Um...

Yeah, absolutely.
He's great, more than all right.

Told you it would be.

Um, also, Dad, Cherry got you a
little something when I was...

Oh, yeah, I did, yeah.
..in my old chamber. Oh-ho!

What's that? Aw, oh!

That's nice, innit?
Oh, I love that! I love that.

Oh, look at that, Sean. Sam.

"Best grandad ever."

So, what is the plan today,
Grandad Michael, before the flight?

Well, well, well, uh...

Well, you'd better ask Paul,
he's the expert.

Oh, that's nice. OK. Huh?Go
on, then, Dad. Go on, then, Paulo!

Oh, OK.

Uh, wow. OK. Um, well,

there's still 18 Neolithic temples
I've not visited,

so we could, um...

Yeah? Or we could just go out and
eat a swordfish?!

Yes!

Viva Malta
by Freddie Portelli